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10 ways to scare your neighbors
1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone. hello 2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants,while watering the bad ones. 3.)Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically. 5.)Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again." 7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a dink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8.)Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household applainces.

50 Things To Do In an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

50 Fun Things To Do On a Final That Does Not Matter
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret

If asked to stop. 18. 19. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. 5. Every five minutes. . Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Breathe a sigh of relief. or fluorescent markers. Do the exam with crayons. loudly say to the instructor.). Be creative.. 10. BABE. a towel on your head.. start commenting on how easy it was. paint. Read questions aloud. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. If it is a multiple choice exam." If you're really daring. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. Walk in. a bathrobe. say "They've found me." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 17. 21. Be as vulgar as possible. 4.documents!!" 3. On the answer sheet (book. etc. Fifteen minutes into the exam. get the exam. make one up! For math/science exams. stand up. spell out interesting things (DCCAB. 11. collect all your things. stand up. 16. Say you lost the first one. 7. If it is a math/science exam. debate your answers with yourself out loud. Go to the instructor. Do the entire exam in another language. etc. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. yell out. interesting way to refuse to answer every question. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. "I don't understand ANY of this. 20. throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. answer in essay form. Talk the entire way through the exam. 23. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. 6. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. Bring pets. be persuasive. Bring cheerleaders.). I have to leave the country" and run off. Repeat th is process every fifteen minutes. 9. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 15. As you walk out. 12. Bring a black marker. If it is long answer/essay form. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear. try using Roman numerals. rip up all the papers into very small pieces.. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. About five minutes into it. and nothing else. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam. 14. Walk into the exam with an entourage. move to another seat. eat it. Come into the exam wearing slippers. sit down. Blame it on the person nearest to you. whatever) find a new. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Play with the volume at max level. 13. If you don't know one. "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. 22. continue with the exam. ask for another copy of the exam. answer with numbers and symbols.

relate everything to your own life story. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. tell him/her in a very derogatory tone." 39. Consider a small sacrifice. sent to you every few . 27. etc. Get deliveries of candy. 36. you should start crying for mommy). "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. flowers. balloons. ask for the answer.. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Insist this person is needed. 43. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. throw your papers down violently. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. Show up completely drunk. If the exam is math/science related. 34. like history notes for a calculus exam.. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done. 42. they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. One word: Wrestlemania. telegrams. 29. Nuff said. and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. 37. put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here. say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. 44. 38. Bring some large. begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about. 33... call the instructor over. ugly idol. cumbersome.24. Pray to it often. If the instructor asks why. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious. Twenty minutes into it.e. scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. From the moment the exam begins.. 35. Try to work it out of him/her. look it over. After about 30 minutes. Put it right next to you. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam. 30. complain about the heat. DUH!" 28. point to any question. make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Fight for your right to take the exam. 25. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. When you walk in. Strip. clap twice rapidly. you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam. 31. complete with sword and shield. 41. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit. After you get the exam. Get the exam. while laughing loudly.. Bring balloons. 45. 46. because you have bad circulation. otherwise you're not just failing. Bring a water pistol with you. the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. with the comment "Please use the attache d notes for references as you see fit. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. where you know the class is very small. Upon receiving the exam. hum the theme to Jeopardy. Every now and then. 40. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. blow them up. If it is a written exam.

minutes throughout the exam. 50. Bring a musical instrument with you. Stay Fit. During the exam. take apart everything around you. 49. say "it helps me think. If you are asked to stop. 47. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks" Books You Will Never Find In a Bookstore 124 Simple Exercises For the Teeth A Complete List Of All the Things That Are Still Pending A Hundred Dead People Nobody Misses A List Of People Who Mean Well A Treasury Of Poorly Understood Ideas Apartment Hunting For Devil Worshipers Backpacking For Shut-ins Caring For the Seated Chances Are Your Sister's Full Of Shit Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened Cooking For the Paralyzed Cooking With Heat Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin Eat. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. anything you can reach. 48. Desks. and Die Anyway Famous Bullshit Stories Famous People Who Were Wiry Fill Your Life With Croutons How To Become a Grease Ball How To Do Everything At Once How To Filet a Panda How To Get a Tan With a Flashlight How To Get Back From Boston How To Give a King a Really Hard Time . chairs." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you. play various tunes. challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". Run.

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Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. eggs or wife. "Is it in?" Q. but you can't beat a blowjob Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. Wife.. Blowjob? A. The longer you play with them. Eggs. Q. the harder they get. So men can be open minded. Blowjob: You can beat your meat. If the girl has to chew. Three words to ruin a man's ego. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. before she swallows. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. Q. Q. A. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. .The Meaning Of Corn The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future The Wrong Underwear Can Kill There's Big Money In Staying Put Things No One Can Help Tips On Getting Laid Tremble Your Way To Fitness Trotting Across Zaire Understanding People You'll Never Meet What To Wear On the Toilet Why Hawaii and Norway Are Not Near Each Other Why It Doesn't Snow Anymore Why Jews Point You Give Me Six Weeks and I'll Give You Some Disease Your Shoes Are Worth Money Your Thighs Control Your Life Crude Sex Jokes 4 Guyz N Gurlz Read To The End Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat.

Ten things NOT to say to a cop when you're pulled over. 6. 2. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 8. What's the biggest fish in the world? A.. What's green. 9. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A. I know I was weaving. 6. It reduces stress. A hore. 4. 12. 3. and call it a Goodyear! Q. not what management wants to hear. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. Nobody eats parsley. 1. Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen? 3. 7. It cuts down on time off because you have the hangover after work instead of before. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job. Employees tell management what they think. It encourages carpooling. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 9. Come on write the damn ticket.. You'll never get those cuffs on me. One of his fingers is clean. I'm surprised you stopped me. It makes fellow employees look better. Q. you don't care.. the bars close in 20 minutes! 4. It leads to more honest communications. Q. you're screwed. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks.Q. slimy and smells like Miss Piggy? A.. 10. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy? A. 10. make a tire. if you catch one you can eat her for months. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? 1. Kermits Finger Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Melt them down. Dunk'in Doughnuts has a three for one special! 25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK. It's an incentive to show up. . It reduces complaints about low pay. Back off Barney. I've got a piece.You Jerk! 5. 2. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. Sparky? 8. Wanta race to the station. 11. 5. Q. but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! 7.

19. 14. 4)Q:What is the mating call of a blond? A:"I'm so Drunk" 5)Q:Why do blonds have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First 6)Q:Here about the blond that got an AM radio? A:It took her a month to find out that you can play it in the afternoon. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. they spelled macy's wrong!! 10)Q:Why did the blond stare @ the orange juice container? A:It said concentrate 11)A blonde and a brunnet where walking when the brunnet said "Oh look a dead bird" The blond looked up and said "Where. 2)Q:What is the difference between a telephone and a blond? A:It's thirty-five cents to use the phone. 16)Q:How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye? . Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks. >> Dumb Blond Jokes!! 1)Q:What is the first thing a blond does when they wake up? A:They go home. 9)Q:What did the blond say when she saw the YMCA sign? A:"hey look. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. a group of men and a blond? A:Everyone scores. 23.13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. Suddenly.so they turned turned around and went home. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. 3)Q:What does a good basketball team have in common with a bad basketball team. 15)Q:Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman as opposed to a regular one? A:You have to hollow out the head. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 24. 8)Q:Why do blond smile during lightning storms? A:they think their picture has been taken. The janitor's closet will finally have a use." 25. burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. (depending of course on the boss).but don't see them. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.Where" 12)Q:What do you do if a blonde throws a pin @ you? A:RUN.After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sing that said "disneyland"LEFT". Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross. 15. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 7)Q:Why Cant blonds dial 911? A:they cant find the 11 button. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 16. 22. 17. 18. 21. she has a grenade in her mouth!!!! 13)Three blondes were driving to disneyland. 20. 14)Q:What do SMART blondes have in common with UFO's? A:You hear about them.

THE ROACHES IN YOUR HOUSE ONLY COME OUT WHEN COMPANY COMES. YOU REFER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AS AN ICEBOX. 17. 23. JEANS.. 29. YOU USE BLACK EYE LINER TO LINE YOUR LIPS. THERE'S REUSABLE BACON GREASE IN A MAXWELL HOUSE CAN IN THE CENTER OF THE BURNERS ON YOUR STOVE. 21. AND YOU AIN'T EVEN NO BABY. YOU HAVE PROJECT HEAT... YOU REFER TO YOUR DRESSER AS "THE BUREAU. OR INK PEN CAP. YOU WEAR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: BRUTE. AND ALL YOU DO IS CHANGE THE BOX OF ARM & HAMMER BAKING SODA. 15. 4.. YOU DRY-CLEAN YOUR WASHABLE CLOTHING (E. JEAN NATE. YOUR LIPSTICK MATCHES YOUR CLOTHES.G. YOU CLEAN YOUR TEETH WITH A MATCHBOOK OR BUSINESS CARD. 9. 26.). FABERGE' 19. 25. 31. 14. YOU GO TO THE BEAUTY SHOP FOR A PRESS AND CURL. 19)Q:How do you drowned a blonde? A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker @ the bottum of a pool. 32. 11. THE ONLY ART YOU OWN IS ON YOUR FINGERNAILS. HAI KARATE. ETC. 6. YOU'VE EVER WAITED SEVERAL HOURS IN A SALON TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND YOU HAD AN APPOINTMENT. 28. OLD SPICE. YOU WEAR YOUR SHOWER CAP EVERYWHERE BUT IN THE SHOWER. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST." 12. YOU CLEAN YOUR EARS WITH A BOBBY PIN. YOUR COLLAR IS STILL UP. YOUR DAUGHTER IS UNDER SIXTEEN AND HAS EXTENSIONS. 24. 18.(Reasons1-150) 1. AND ONE OF THEM IS SHOE POLISH. KEY. YOU HAVE ROLLS IN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.A:Shine a light in her ear. THE BACK OF YOUR TOILET SEAT IS ALWAYS OFF. THE HEELS OF YOUR FEET LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN KICKING FLOUR. 16. YOU RUN TO GET POTS AS SOON AS IT RAINS. 22. 7. 27. (NOTE: THIS MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR WINDOW IN THE WINTER. . 13. 8. YOU STILL REFER TO YOUR STEREO AS THE HI-FI. YOUR DRINKING GLASSES USED TO BE JELLY JARS.. YOU HAVE MORE THAN TEN USES FOR VASELINE. CHLOE. 17)Q:What happend to the blonde hockey team? A:They drowned during spring training 18)Q:How can you tell when a blonde sent you a fax? A:There is a stamp on it. TURNING UP THE HEAT MEANS TURNING ON ANOTHER BURNER ON THE STOVE. ENGLISH LEATHER. YOU WEAR YOUR CLOTHES WITH A TAG ON THEM. AND YOU KNOW HOW TO MANUALLY FLUSH IT. THE BATTERIES IN YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ARE HELD IN PLACE WITH A PIECE OF TAPE.) 5. YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE CLEAN UNLESS THERE IS VISIBLE BABY POWDER ON YOUR NECK AND CHEST. BASEBALL JERSEY. 30. 3. SOMETHING SMELLS SPOILED IN THE REFRIGERATOR. YOU USE TUSSY. YOUR FURNITURE IS COVERED IN PLASTIC. 20)Q:How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday? A:Tell her a joke on Wednsday. T-SHIRTS. CHARLIE. 10. You Know You're Ghetto When. 20. 2.

PERIOD. 44. 68. YOU PUT FINGERNAIL POLISH ON PANTYHOSE TO KEEP A RUN FROM GETTING WORSE. YOU WEAR COLORED CONTACTS.. AMBALAMPS-AMBULANCE 55. YOUR CHILD THINKS HIS REAL NAME IS LITTLE MAN. YOU HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES. 38. 43.. 41. SPISKETTIS-SPAGHETTI 62. THE PERSON YOU'RE SPEAKING TO DOESN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AND YOU JUST TALK LOUDER. ZINC-SINK 63. FRENCH FRIES. 73. YOU TALK LOUD ON THE PHONE BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE." 36. (NOTE: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOW-FAT FATBACK. YOU USE CATSUP ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN A HOT DOG. YOU NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR HAIR WET. (NOTE: IT'S NOT THE HAIR.G. 51. YA'LL MEMBER THE TIME. 48. YOU STILL THINK THERE'S SUCH A THING AS "GOOD" OR "BAD" HAIR. IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHICH IS APPROPRIATE. YOUR R'S. 34. MEMBER-OF OR PERTAINING TO A RECOLLECTION (E. LISTEN TO CLUES SUCH AS REFERENCES TO LARGE BODIES OF WATER. AND NOW YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER. TOOKED. 45. 56. YOU USE SALT BEFORE YOU TASTE YOUR FOOD. YOU'RE KNOWN FOR ROLLING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: YOUR NECK. IT'S THE BRAIN UNDER IT) 37. SHOWLIZ-THAT SURE IS 65. YOU HAVE MORE SHOES THAN YOU HAVE BOOKS. AND YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE IT'S A CULTURAL EXPRESSION. .) 67. AXE-ASK 59. THING-AMA-JIG. YOU THINK OF FATBACK AS A SOURCE OF NUTRITION. YOU WEAR FLIP-FLOPS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO THE WIND AS THE HAWK. OR YOUR WRIST. SPECIFIC (NOTE: THESE ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. PACIFIC VS.G. LIGHT-SKINNEDED.) 74.) 57. YOU PERM YOUR THREE-YEAR-OLD'S HAIR.. AND YOU NAMED THEM. 70. NEM-CONTRACTION FOR AND THEM (E. YOU HAVE TO PUT A TOWEL ON YOUR FURNITURE SO THAT YOUR CURL ACTIVATOR WON'T STAIN IT. YOUR BABY HAS A BOW OR BARRETTE ON HER ONE STRAND OF HAIR. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO ANYTHING AS ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: DO-HICKEY. SKRIMPS OR STRIMPS-SHIRIMP (NOTE: THERE IS NO "S" ON THE END). 52.G. YOU WEIGH MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. WHATCHAMACALLIT.. 53. LOOK DEAD-LOOKED 60. YOU PAGE YOURSELF. YOU BUY YOUR STOCKINGS AT THE SAME PLACE YOU DO YOUR GROCERY SHOPPING. 49. 39. 35. I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL MARQUITA NEM GET HERE. 72. YOU'RE LATE FOR EVERYTHING. BUT YOU CLAIM THAT YOU CAN'T EAT EVERYBODY ELSE'S FOOD. AS OPPOSED TO THAT BODY OF WATER. SKREET-STREET 58. 47. 69. 75. 40. THE BEST PAIR OF SHOES YOU OWN ARE SNEAKERS. 50. YOU CHANGED YOUR FIRST NAME 'CAUSE YOU SAID IT WAS THE WHITE MAN'S. 71. WHOSEYWHATS. OR HAMBURGERS. YOU USE BUT MISPRONOUNCE THESE WORDS: 54.?) 61. YOUR MOTHER CLEANED FLOORS TO EDUCATE YOU. RUINT). ALBLUMS-WHAT WE USED BEFORE CD'S 64. WAYMENT-WAIT A MINUTE 66. YOU WEAR A WATCH THAT YOU KNOW DOESN'T WORK. YOU ADD "ED" OR "T" TO THE END OF A WORD THAT'S ALREADY IN THE PAST TENSE (E. YOU'VE EVER DROPPED ANYTHING AND KISSED IT UP TO GOD BEFORE YOU ATE IT. YOUR EYES.33. 46.. YOU REFER TO THE HAIR AT THE NAPE OF YOUR NECK AS YOUR "KITCHEN. 42. KILT. BUT KEPT YOUR LAST NAME YOUR REAL SLAVE NAME.

NOW 'N LATERS. CHICK O STIX. 94. PACER. THE SERVICE LASTS FOR HALF A DAY. 91. THE DECEASED AND HIS WIDOW ARE WEARING MATCHING OUTFITS. . LICORICE. 101. 87. THERE ARE MORE GUEST AT THE RECEPTION THAN THERE WERE AT THE WEDDING. BOM POPS. 88. 82. 111. FRESCA. SOFTEE. YOUR WEDDING DRESS IS ALSO A MATERNITY DRESS. RED KOOL. BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL REMARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE FAMILY. YOU GOT ANGRY WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STOPPED THE CHEESE PROGRAM. 89. HORNET. THE OFFERING PLATE AT YOUR CHURCH GOES AROUND FIVE TIMES. SUGARBABIES." "RIBBON IN THE SKY. GREMLIN. YOU DRIVE AROUND ON THE DONUT. LEMON HEADS." 78. THE REAR WINDOW OF YOUR CAR IS FILLED WITH STUFFED ANIMALS." 106. MORE THAN ONE PERSON THINKS THAT HE IS THE CURRENT SPOUSE OF THE DECEASED. EITHER THE BRIDE OR GROOM SINGS A SOLO TO EACH OTHER. 109. MONTHS AFTER THE FLAT HAPPENED. SNOWBALLS. 104. 108. WATER ICE. CHITTERLINGS. YOU GO OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB. 80. BOSTON BAKED BEANS. 98. PIXIE STIX. THE ANNOUNCEMENTS AT YOUR CHURCH ARE LONGER THAN THE SERMON. CHEEZ WHIZ.") 113. YOU'RE ALWAYS EATING AT OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES. INCLUDING THE BRIDE. SUGAR WATER. PUSH-UPS. YOU EAT CHITTERLINGS. 107. SALT 'N VINEGAR CHIPS. BUT YOU NEVER BRING ANYTHING. EVERY TIME YOU HAVE MACARONI AND CHEESE. TAHITIAN TREAT. YOU'RE AT CHURCH AND PEOPLE CAN TELL WHAT YOU'LL BE HAVING FOR DINNER FROM THE SMELL OF YOUR COAT. 79. 99. MR. REDHOTS. 92. MOONPIES WITH COKE. 114. NO ONE KNEW THE DECEASED BY HIS REAL NAME. THE MAJORITY OF THE FLOWERS AT THE BURIAL SITE ARE PLASTIC. STRAWBERRY SODA. PUMPKIN SEEDS. SOMEONE TRIES TO CLIMB IN THE COFFIN. YOU POP OR CRACK YOUR GUM. 93. 102. JUICE-FILLED WAX. BUT YOU STAY OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE CLUB. ("WHO'S RAVON WILLIAMS III. I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS BOOKIE. YOU EVER SAID THAT THE DECEASED HAS "SLIPPED AWAY. FANTA ORANGE. MARY JANES. 77. YOU EAT THESE GHETTO SNACKS: PORK RINDS. 81. POLAROID SHOTS ARE BEING TAKEN OF THE DECEASED. PERIOD ." "I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. PINEAPPLE SODA. TAB. YOU SING GHETTO WEDDING SONGS: "ALWAYS AND FOREVER. TWISTERS. 84." "YOU AND I.76. THE RECEPTION MEAL WAS COOKED BY THE BRIDE'S MOTHER. RED DOG. NOBODY IN THE WEDDING CAN REALLY FIT IN HER DRESS. 86. SUNFLOWER SEEDS. ANYTHING RED. 83.99 A GALLON ANYTHING. 105. 103. YOU HAVE A CRACK ACROSS YOUR FRONT WINDSHIELD AND YOU NEVER BOTHERTO GET IT FIXED. EVERYBODY'S EXES WERE INVITED. YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT COFFEE WOULD MAKE YOU BLACK. BLOWPOPS. JIFFY POPS. 112. MALT LIQUOR. . PISTACHIOS. 96. OR BOTH. CANDY NECKLACES. 85. YOU CAN LEARN THE LATEST DANCES FROM YOUR CHURCH CHOIR. 97. LINCOLN." "FOR ALWAYS. 100. THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE IN THE WEDDING THAN THERE ARE IN THE AUDIENCE.AID. YOU KNOW HOW TO MELT GOVERNMENT CHEESE. 110. SUGAR DADDY. AND/OR TAKEN BACK THE FOLLOWING DAY. 90. YOU EAT COUGH DROPS LIKE THEY'RE CANDY." "HERE AND NOW. PINTO. YOUR WEDDING MARCH IS ACTUALLY A MARCH. 95. FREEZPOPS. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE CAR: CADDY. POP-TARTS. SUGAR MAMA. JAWBREAKERS." 115. CANDY STUCK TO PAPER. CREAM SODA. YOU PUT YOUR SALTED PEANUTS IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR COCA-COLA. YOU EAT OATMEAL BECAUSE IT STICKS TO YOUR RIBS ON A COLD DAY. YOU FEEL A NEED TO COMMENT ON HOW NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER THAN "THE GOBMENT CHEESE. YOUR CAR COST MORE THAN YOUR HOUSE. YOU DRINK THESE GHETTO BEVERAGES: YOO-HOO. MOST OF THE MOURNERS COMMENT THAT THE DECEASED DIDN'T LOOK THAT GOOD WHEN HE WAS ALIVE." "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.

145. YOU EVER PLAYED KICK THE CAN. IS YOU MARRIED? 124. THE BROTHERS JOHNSON. YOU EVER SENT YOUR CHILDREN TO PICK OUT THEIR OWN SWITCH. TINA MARIE. TARVARIS. THE ONLY SONG OF THE NIGHT THAT YOU DANCE TO IS THE ELECTRIC SLIDE. YOU EVER PLAYED KNUCKLES. YOU KNOW YOU'RE GHETTO IF YOU HEAR OR SAY ANY OF THE FOLLOWING PHRASES: 120. YOUR CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL SMELLING LIKE HOT BACON GREASE. READY FOR THE WORLD. JACKSONS or THE MICHAEL JACKSON 5/NOT THE JACKSON 5. WHO IS THE HEAD OF MY LIFE. YOU EVER TOOK A BUS TO A NIGHTCLUB. YOU'VE BEEN TO MORE THAN ONE PLAY WITH THE WORD MAMMA IN THE TITLE. YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO "FLOAT ON. (YOU AIN'T NO BIRD. BUT HE HAS HIS EARS PIERCED. 138. YOU EVER PLAYED DODGE BALL. YOU'VE WON A GRAMMY FOR YOUR BITCH AND HO RAP RECORD. 118. 136. 117. 144. YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN IN FRONT OF THE WICKER FAN CHAIR. YOU EVER RAN A RACE BAREFOOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AT APPROXIMATELY ELEVEN AT NIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR SIGN? 121. 132. YOU'VE EVER PLAYED RED-LIGHT-GREEN-LIGHT. YOUR MOTHER SOUNDED LIKE A RAP ARTIST WHEN SHE WAS BEATING YOU. HOWEVER. YOUR BASKETBALL HOOP HAS A RIM BUT NO NET. THE SILVERS. YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE A GYMNAST BECAUSE YOU COULD DO A HIGH FLIP ON A PISSY MATTRESS THAT SOMEBODY THREW OUT. YOU'VE EVER CHEATED IN A GAME OF MOTHER MAY I. 135. 122. 137. JODECI.'S CDS. THEN YOU TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT THIS IS SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY DATED. 150. A CRITICISM OF THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T THINK HER NAME IS BETTER THAN THATOF THE FATHER WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS OWN CHILD. YOU USE ABORTION AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL. STOP ACTING LIKE ONE. CAN I GET THOSE 7 DIGITS? 125. YOUR CHILDREN DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO "PUNCHINELLA" OR MISS MARY MACK. 148. 123. 127. (NOTE: THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM OF SINGLE MOTHERS. YOU PINCH YOU NEWBORN'S NOSE TO MAKE IT THIN. RIGHT ABOUT NOW WE GONNA SLOW IT DOWN JUST A TASTE.I WANT TO THANK GOD.116. 131. YOU CHEW YOUR BABY'S FOOD AND THEN FEED IT TO THEM." 126.) 133. . 143." 129. 147. 119. YOUR CHILDREN'S ONLY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT IS SINGING IN THE WINDOW FAN. RIGHT ABOUT NOW WE'RE GONNA TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE.) 142. COMMODORES FIFTH DIMENSION. YOUR CHILD DROPS HIS PACIFIER. BUT NONE OF GERALD ALBRIGHT'S. EVERY CHILD IN THE FAMILY HAS A DIFFERENT LAST NAME. AND YOU START YOU ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WITH HE FOLLOWING PHRASE: "FIRST OF ALL. 146." BUT THEY KNOW THE LYRICS TO ALL OF SNOOP DOGG'S RECORDS. YOU PAY MORE FOR YOUR CHILD'S SNEAKERS THAN YOU DO FOR THEIR CHILDCARE. AND YOU SANITIZE IT BY SUCKING ON IT. YOU HAVE ALL OF KENNY G. 128. 149. 140. IT IS. 141. YOU'VE EVER BEEN BEATEN WITH AN EXTENSION CORD. 139. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE GROUP: CLIMAX. YOUR SON IS NOT EVEN FIVE YEARS OLD. 134. YOU ASK PERFECT STRANGERS TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU. 130.

. then. A woman marries a man expecting he will change. It only seems longer.Marriage Jokes ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. a beautiful house. In my case. MARRIAGE QUOTES I married Miss Right. a big car. it was almost impossible. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 'My wife found out. Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change. Any married man should forget his mistakes. To be happy with a man. A woman has the last word in any argument. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.money. but married men are a lot more willing to die. Losing a wife can be hard. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.' . there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. the love of a beautiful woman. Married men live longer than single men. and she does. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all . he doesn't. To be happy with a woman.before marriage and after marriage. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a >construction site.Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. I thought >I told you to shovel this pile. ohhhhh ohhh ohhhhhhh .." He then says. "I can make you feel like a woman. if I'm going to die." To the Scotsman he says." he says He is gorgeous.. Three indians get lost in the forest. Ukrainian opera.No one moves." A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks. nothing! Second indian shoots in the sky. riveted. you just wasted my last arrows. waits a min. but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere. the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!! On a recent transatlantic flight.. They ask. She stands up in the front of the plane." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says. "I no hava no broom.And whispers:... "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says. waits an hour. the quy singing. well now what. "You're in charge of sweeping. leave the hallway light on.. An indian stands up in the crowd and yells. would you go to lunch or to a movie? A man is incomplete until he is married. Then she yells. and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. flowing black hair and jet black eyes. you just killed the best piece of ass in regina An Italian. "About 2 hours. I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says.I don’t fucking know. but if you get home before I do. the first indian says." The guy leaves." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns. waits an hour. pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies. nothing. I expect you >guys to make a big dent in that there pile. and still nothing. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.one button at a time." She wails. ohhh ohhh ohhh. "About 3 hours. One woman in particular loses it. a plane passes through a severe storm. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose. "Why didn't you sweep any of >it?" The Italian replies. boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies." . quickly shoots again. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. Husband: Okay. How many men does it take to open a beer? None.Muscles rippleacross his chest as he reaches her. "I'm too young to die. He asks the Italian. the >pile of sand is untouched." And to the Chinese guy. Screaming.. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the >Italian guy. do like the white men. "You're in charge of supplies. You saida to the Chinese a >fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies. I have to leave for a little while. Built. The turbulence is awful. "Well. "You're >iN charge of shoveling." The Scotsman replies. you mother fucker. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. what are we going to do. The first indian goes. 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds. opera is going on. at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. 'I don't care. waits an hour... After that.unbuttoning his shirt. 'Martha. getting near the end. He turns to the first indian and says.. with long. ye did lad. They all stared. the guy in the show pulls out a knife and stabs the woman in the opera. boot ahcouldnay fin' him either.. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife. "Now. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. then starts singing. what have I done. packed with indians. "Aye.He removes his shirt. he is finished. he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman. Just then. The third indian shoot into the sky.. So the first indian shoots into the sky.. "And you. and nothing."Iron this. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. Tall.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks. well below freezing. and proceeded to shag the nun. if you really want to have sex with this nun. Marine. "OK. the punk hid in the church and waited for the Nun. "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says. laughing hysterically. You've got to make 1. "No. The punk used some priests robes that he had stolen from the church and. "No. "could you possible send 1. The sergeant walked out and yelled." A little while later." The guy leaves. they have to be red in colour. "Both of them?" "Yes. both very good looking. and one more small favour. SIZE--SMALL'!" A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin." said the President. "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!" The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed. They talk for a while and then the friend asks. both of them!" It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U. "Thanks" replied the punk. and every day at a certain stop. The barber asks. "I DO need your help. "No problem. certainly! I'll get on it right away!" said Clinton. I know for a fact that she goes to St. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind.000.OK" replied the nun. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. That night.000 condoms right away and send them to Russia. Sure enough. "This is my people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster! Our population will explode unless you help us!" "Boris. "That's no way to ." "Easily done." Santa says." Santa says. Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U. Sir!" There was a Nun who has to take the same bus journey every day. "A fucking sandbox for the side yard. 10" long and 4" wide. Let's try again. Marine. Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me. Clare's church at midnight to pray. "Great! Now listen. he said to him "look. at midnight. One day. "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says. Bill comes back into the shop. please?" said Yeltsin. where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up.The guy leaves. "About an hour and half.000. 'MADE IN AMERICA. Anything else?" "Yeah.. Marine boot camp." replied the President. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection. Sir!" The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers. "Oh. Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. Bill. "No." "No Problem" replied the punk. follow that guy and see where he goes. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "My feet are cold. he says: "Hi. And everyday the bus driver would have to throw the punk off the bus. the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you." "Consider it done. Sir!" The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed. so he walked up to a third soldier. "I need a favour. Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. There he sees his friend's daughters. With that. so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say. the Nun came wandering in.S." "Well. "Hey. "Bill.. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut.S. naked and shivering.S. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs. "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents." said Yeltsin." said the President of Trojan. but then doesn't come back. "Print. "A fucking swing set. "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together. What else would you like?" The kid says. The captain appeared with his swagger stick. "That can't be!" He replies. disguising himself as priest said to the Nun "My child. tears in his eyes and says. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. When he had finished he took of his robes and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the Punk!" Upon which the nun removed her robe and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the bus driver!" A little kid sits on Santa's lap. and Santa says. as the driver was throwing the punk off the bus. I want you to have sex with me. "But it's the wrong time of the month so you will have to take me from behind." replied the President.000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why. a punk got on the bus and started to hassle the nun for sex. "Your house!" President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

You will spend eternity here." he replied. just gonna be the two of us. and then says.. whispers the man. there's gonna be some drinkin'. and comes back in. Thanks again. shaking his head. After six months or so of almost total isolation... and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape." Ramon decides to change his gender. One more time." The devil opens Door Three. Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. The guy says. and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. but you get to choose how to spend it. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor." The Millennium Party Sam has been in the newspaper business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing set. After 25 years in the computer business. The devil meets him at the gate and says." Damn." "Great. "No way. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. The bartender says." Again. The guy says." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam.Having a Millennium Party Friday Night . I can drink with the best of 'em." A guy walks into a bar holding a little turtle. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard. and now he/she is a beautiful blonde. this is the one I will chose. "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man. too. "What's wrong. he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.. "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once. "it was the worst experience I had in my life!" "Why?" asks the friend. how that operation was like?" "Well. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute. but I can't find him. looks around. He runs out the front door.. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too. You may choose one of these three doorways. I want a cheese sandwich. "Name's Enoch." "Not a problem.. When they cut off my dick." As Enoch is leaving. But then the worst was when they started cutting half of my brain. His/her friend ask him/her "Hey tell us. two of his legs are bandaged. "No way." A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the barCheese Sandwich: $1. Once you choose a door. and comes back in." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents.. goes to the other side of the bar. bearded Vermonter standing there. "can I help you?" "I was wondering"." The devil opens Door One. "I know how to stop it. "Alright.. After a few cocktails.Thought you'd like to come. and then he says. One week later he returns to the bar. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying. This turtle is very fast." A guy dies and goes to hell. he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door." says Sam." The devil says.. you may not change it.. "Well. put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox." he/she says. Go and stand at the other end of the bar and call your dog. as he starts to leave Enoch stops. He runs out the back door. Tough crowd. you have died and come to hell. looks around. the Frenchman smugly asked. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. I will get you some coffee.talk to Santa. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. He tells them what the kid said." Once again Enoch turns from the door.. I'll bet you five hundred bucks that my turtle will be there before your dog. it was aching like hell.50 Hand Job: $10. He runs out the side door. "Coffee break's over. "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes". "OK. "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me. let's move on. "I am.. One of the turtle's eyes is black and blue. Back on your heads!" . His father says. "Last night I made love to my wife four times." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. So let's get started. "What's wrong with your turtle?" The guy says. she purrs. and comes back in. the men began discussing their home lives. Thank you." "Ah. The guy says. Sam thinks. He opens it and there is a big. and there aren't any. The guy says.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop. and on the count of three he calls his dog. wait right here. last night I made love to my wife six times. looks around. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. Enoch stops in the door again and says." When the American remained silent. "Santa brought me a fucking dog. son?" The kid says. when they put on the tits. he saves his money for years and finally goes to the operation." A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. That should make him change his tune." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands. and it smashes! Into the wall.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2." Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents." The devil opens Door Two. "Great. "Gotta warn you." I'll be there. By the way. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted." the Italian responded." the Frenchman bragged. "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. what should I wear? "Whatever you want. "Nothing. Suddenly the guy throws the turtle across the room. he stops. I felt like I could die. I get along with people. let's move on. "Well.. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile. "I told you it'd be there before your dog." The bartender agrees. "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

"My family went to the New York City Zoo. but I wanted the word "`fascinate. they say the bigger the pee-pee. but both employees stayed after closing. they say the bigger the boobies. flashed his badge and said." He said. He ran over to his father and said. I have something I must confess to you. a little miffed at having struck out. either Jack or Jill. and Mom says. The son went in the lake. go to sleep now. Daddy's talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the more he talks." So the boy went wandering for a while. Shhh. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. "Go back to sleep. "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again. His wife said. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality. the dumber they are." he said. "Daddy. The warden took one of the ducks. yes. inserted his finger in the bird's rectum. "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars. "Why do you think I poisoned you?" This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. I slept with your brother. "Hush. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50 yard line. "No." One day. I'm going to get a tetanus shot." She replied. "Mommy. "You're so smart." he said. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said. It was still vacant when the 2nd quarter started. As he held her fragile hand. they're all at the funeral. I must die in peace. "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. "This here's a Washington state duck. but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8. Jake. "Jill. and said. "You've got all of these licenses. "Little Johnny does as he is told. went underwater and came back up." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. you tell me! A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. all those men's pee-pees are bigger than yours. I was fascinated." The father replied." he said. "Well. "Little Johnny does . bent over. Don't talk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest. and said. barely able to see the field. and roused her from her Slumber. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills. "My darling Jake. only this time more aggravated. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language." His dad then says. don't torment yourself. "This here's an Oregon state duck. Everything's all right. "Well. a man and wife went to a nudist beach with their son. splashed onto her face. the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. "Where are you going?" He said." she said in her tired voice. both employees came to work very early. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break." she whispered." An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee.A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl. because I'm late for my bus. "That was good. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off. "It's all right. but I wanted the word `fascinate. "Where are you going?" She said. "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons. "Hush now Becky. sniffed it. "Good. have a seat. pulled it out. his warm tears ran silently down his face. inserted his finger into the duck's rectum. and we saw all the animals. handed the ducks back to the hunter and said." Becky was on her deathbed with her husband. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter. my love." A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter." And she said. Mary said. The man said. "I'm going to the doctor. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. and came back and asked his mother. "I'm going to the doctor too. the dumber he gets!" Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said. "Why? Are you sick?" "No." So the boy went wandering for awhile and then went back to his mother and said. no. sniffed it. and said. The warden. She said. pulled it out. your best friend and your father. "This here's an Idaho duck. I suppose I would. you'd better jack off. Jake. "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. "I have to talk. The warden took a second duck. "Well. `" Sally raised her hand." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event." replied the weeping Jake. It was fascinating. I have a terrible problem. produced an Idaho state hunting license. "Mommy. conducted the same finger test. Feeling sorry for the nice man. Strangely. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away. They both ate at their desk." The teacher said. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again. "Why?" She said." "No. neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. the hunter produced the appropriate license. `" Little Billy raised his hand. a bit put out. The man said "No. The warden took a third duck." "There's nothing to confess." But she was insistent. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late. I know all about it. all those ladies' boobies are bigger than yours. "Jake. just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants. and said. Unfortunately. neither employee took a coffee break. maintaining a steady vigil by her side. His dad says. Billy said. the dumber the person." Jill said. The next morning. "Well." The teacher said. so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.

"Now son." The Irishman looks confused for a moment. 3 times. The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted." So he asks the first nun. Becky." Janet responded. all right. but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.this too. to save my life. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings. I was wondering have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a local convent. and knew that he would be wanting some action. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PRIEST SHOWS ASS The priest was so pleased that he decided to enter the donkey the following week and this time the donkey won first place. The lights started flashing. started scratching her head." Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. I have two brothers. why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question. when was number 3?" "Well. and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. at the local auction the going price for horses was so high that the priest settled on a donkey instead. She could hear him start to stir. The priest figured that since he had purchased the donkey he might as well race it. and off she went into the Pearly Gates.. "Well. "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun. Then St. "I don't want to intrude on your grief. "You know. Peter asked the third nun. One day. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin. She had been saving her farts all day. "You ladies have been very good. the donkey did very well and came in third place." The Irishman replies. you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever." "Yes. I couldn't be more moved.. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn." Hillary asked. There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident. When he comes back to the bar for the second round. he comes back into to the bar and orders three more. then a lights dawn in his eye and he laughs.. When he came around he ordered the nun to dispose of the donkey immediately. that's a hard one." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom. "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. the other in Australia. the music started playing. "Everyone is fine. to do the surgery himself. then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers. One is in American. drinking a sip out of each on in turn. we're living with a couple of whores. "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?" "Eve. it would taste better if you bought one at a time. Yes. but before I can let you in. and Dad says. and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. you see. remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember. Peter asked the second nun.. "Oh Sam." Little Johnny and his dad then sit down. and Sis says. When he finished them. the angels started singing. I suppose I would. I've just quit drinking!" Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks. clearly confused. orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room. In reality. So. "Well. Sam. Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.. when were they?" he asked. we're sitting on two million dollars. I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest. Please. Sam. and replied. all right then. and Hillary said to Janet." That night. no questions asked?" "Oh. nastiest fart that I can. and off she went into the Pearly Gates. I have to put up with Bill. you have to answer a question. remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife." she replied. he said. music started playing. The headlines read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS they buried the bishop the next day. The headlines read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. The nun searched and finally found a farmer to take the donkey for ten dollars. In theory. and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings. So. how do you deal with the problem?" "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me. you should do such a thing for me. and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky. "Well.. remember a few years ago. and I'm here in Dublin. when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short. To his great surprise.. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey." he says. the bartender says. To do such a thing. "Becky. However." "Three? Well. DeBakey came all the way up here. "Oh. Becky. I really want to know. you've learned the difference between theory and reality. Sam. Then St. Bill rolled over and asked. to do such a thing for me. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. "Gee. When we all left home. he comes in and orders two pints. As St. Peter was looking over their files." the nun said. Sam says to Becky." And the lights started flashing. and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. when was number 2?" "Well.." "Well. The bartender asks him. "Yes. no. is that you?" . and there is no telling where he last had his pecker. "What was the name of the first man that God created?" "Adam. "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.. a pint goes flat after I draw it. you must really love me darling.?" A priest was trying to raise money for his parish and being told there was good money to be had in horse racing he decided to buy a race horse and run it in local races. "Janet.. The headline said: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so outraged with this publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. and leaves it there.

the little boy says to his father. but a lot of folks are still siphoning. look.. "Every day when you get out of the shower. He gives up and goes back to bed. Un: No. Later that night. "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. and the blond says FIRE! A little boy goes to his dad and asks. he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.. confused." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. think about that and see if that makes sense. the Government is sound asleep. the hours are short.. Now.. So.. I don't like getting my hands dirty.washing dishes at a restaurant.. The lady was amazed. And they all hide and she gets away. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. Yes.. No. we'll call him the Future. A few minutes later. No. Un (getting excited): Yes. and the brunette says EARTHQUAKE and they all hide and she escapes. "Dad. EAO (getting annoyed): OK." A Marine colonel.. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock. Smith by any chance?" "Why. She directs him down the correct aisle. Un: No. and the red head says TORNADO. A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rottweiler's butt. The blond has gotten an idea to get her out of it just like the others. lets see what we have. but he can't take it!" . so he rolled down his window and asked. He said any last words and she said no. he hears his baby brother crying.. the pay is quite good and you get lots of benefits.. Your Mom. I have something for you that involves sex and travel." The father says. No. came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself. Not wanting to wake her. so we'll call her the Government." He noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars.. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. "Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replied. let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family." "Oh really? How much do you have so far?" "About three hundred gallons. I sent my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. "Sir. Yesterday. it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work. while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. The executioner says ready aim. so we'll call you the People. The Executioner said ready aim. I think I understand the concept of politics now..A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. No. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. We're taking up a collection for him. 'Scooby dooby dooby. The next morning." A guy walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The little boy said. I figure if I have to roll my own... Finding the door locked. I can't work for this government. she says no.. I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" The redneck answers. Un: No. so he gets up to check on him. Now your baby brother. He says ready aim. one was a blond. He tells her. "Scooby dooby dooby. Next the red head comes up in front of the executioner and he says again any last words. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them. this traffic seems worse than usual. We're here to take care of your needs." The little boy replies. I need a job. yes.. to no avail. "What's politics?" Dad says. The Rottweiler was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up. No. look there is a job here as a government clerk. "Do you go to Dr. One was a brunette.. she's the administrator of the money. on his way home from work at the Pentagon.. I do. so Last the blond comes in front of the executioner and he says any last words she says no. he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the nanny. "Well. EAO: OK lets see what else we have. the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.Oh yes there is an opening for a security guard night shift. Yes I have a job here . "Well son. "You see. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. so she got up in the middle of the bus and said. and the action immediately stopped. I want bigger boobies. tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. First the brunette stood in front of the executioner.. No.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months. hell.. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. "How did you do that?" she asked. so let's call me Capitalism. Employment Agency Official (EAO): Well. and anyway I'm a coward. and the last was a red head. we'll consider her the Working Class. I voted for the opposition. She says. she can too!" There were three girls and they were all going to get executed. rub the top of your nipples and say. Nothing's even moving. Yes. EAO: F*ck Off! A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when a large Rottweiler mounted from behind her dog. it's like this. EAO (pissed off): OK. he goes to the nanny's room." An unemployed man goes into the employment agency: Unemployed (Un): Hello. "Good son." A guy sitting nearby asked her. I want bigger boobies. "That's my dog! He can dish it out. (Flips through some files). I need my beauty rest. "Wow.. The nanny.

though. and roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull’s eye in your wife's love canal. I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. he came back and announced. Yea. Then he told the Greens the bad news. When the fun was over. and he gave them thorough physical exams. "Oh I got her a damn diamond ring and a pair of gloves. Mr. "Oh. Finally." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. Once again while she was in the bathroom he found another ear of corn. you must take the doughnuts and from across the room. The man asked what they had. "Your mamma even let me. he said to his two friends that he got some water from the lady. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town. the doctor said. "On your way home from the office. good idea Mike"." Mike." "Yea. They all decide to meet in the food court later that afternoon to compare gifts. so I will not take your money.. he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "I cannot help you. but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them." "Great idea". They replied. staggered up to them. "The Greens pleaded with him. say's Frank. "I went and bought her a damn toaster and a dildo. The man asked for the water again and she gave the water to him. toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. If she doesn't like the necklace she can hide it behind the scarf.. please help us. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He said to the female whale. "Your mamma's the best lay in town!" Everyone expected a fight. sir. So. but how do I remove it from the cow's udder? I. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. Green that they should see the good doctor. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. take off your clothes." A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. the ship turned over and quickly sank. now please. turned the switch on and everything else was automatic! Soon. "You helped our friends the Browns.. the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. When they were done he threw that one out the window as well. The two men said that they had something better. and said. you're drunk!" A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. He decided to use the ear of corn. "I just screwed your mamma. "Then next. when they came across a house." Mike and Frank look at each other puzzled and ask why those two gifts? Joe relies "If she don't like the toaster she can go screw herself!!!" Three guys were drinking in a bar when a drunk came in. and said." At this point. but the guy ignored him and the drunk wandered off and bellied up to the bar at the far end." she said. I got her a pearl necklace and a scarf. but absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen. "Yes. "I went along with the blow job. The Browns came to see the doctor. Mike says.. Mike says to Frank. The men said that they were in desperate need of some water and asked if she had any to spare. "So what did ya get your wife for Christmas?" Frank replies. and you. "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk. "We found two ears of corn already buttered!" A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life. He tried every button on the instrument. As the women was in the bathroom taking off her clothes the man found an ear of corn. Ten minutes later. The man asked the women for his water. he inserted his penis into the equipment. pointed at the same guy. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. Go home. Soon however. and various tests and then concluded. Then like a lioness. stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerio’s. so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. A few hours go by and the three of them finally hook up. the drunk came back. I just bought a milking machine from your company. he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. I cannot help. If she doesn't like the ring she can cover it up with gloves." replied the customer service rep. One of the men agreed to the offer. OK". So Frank asks Mike what he got his wife for Christmas? Mike replies. They knocked on the door and an 800 pound woman answered the door. I mean the cow seems to be in a lot of pain. As the man walked out the door. shouting. psychological exams.One day three men were walking through the desert desperate for water.. Frank and Joe were out shopping for their wives Christmas presents one morning. and it was sweet!" Again the guy refused to take the bait and the drunk wandered off. The women said yes but you have to have sex first. "Hello. you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.. ma'am. They told their friends. "Look. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. When they were all done he threw the corn out the window." They tried it and sure enough." Finally the guy interrupted "Go home Dad. Ten minutes later." "Don't worry." "Well.. the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. So Mike and Frank look at the Joe sitting there very quietly and ask him what he got his wife for Christmas? Joe say's. he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. It works fantastically. and his discomfort was quickly building. and pointed at the guy in the middle. She refused to give the water to him unless he did her one more time. but still without success. & Mrs. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. he decided to test it on himself first. He decided to do the same thing with that ear of corn." .

as he mopped the sweat from his brow: "How long has it been since you've been to confession?" The old man said: "I've never been to confession. I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. "How's business?" She sneered and replied. so the friends continue on up. "I'm a hooker. everyone's exhausted. replies Arthur. and still no Raymond. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain. I have no idea why I was arrested. said the patient. and a man enters. 'Raymond. So. they head on up to the fifth floor. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his . they continued on up. and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. there comes a knock at the door." Arthur stared at him in horror." replies a voice from the other side of the door. "Blind man. your Honour. 'I thought you packed it. Raymond sets off down the road. Steve. I'm telling everybody. Steve starts getting restless. the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room. Go up floor by floor. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. but Raymond flatly refuses. they decide to go in. and sandwiches. "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation. do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally. decide to go on a picnic. says the doctor. Twenty days pass. telling me this. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done". After about two hours. and paint in the nude." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. Another day passes. and once you find what you are looking for." The Judge sighed and said. 'Alright.either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor. "We have 5 floors. with all these students and housewives around. "Damn." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain. By the time they do arrive. They open the door. The trouble is. you can stay there. "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised. Miss. "Well. "Hi there"." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. legs apart." Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands. the picnic site is 10 miles away. who is walking exactly the same way. OK.An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years. but a promise is a promise. young lady. The woman began crying softly and said." Still." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify. Wondering what they are missing. In the middle of the project. THAT'S the word!!!" A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. On the fourth floor." "Well". Joe. but no Raymond. gimme the bottle opener. so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. shrug. but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters. one by one." "Well. strip off their habits. "I don't know what all this is about. Thirty days and $250 fine. "Well. there's no going back. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The bouncer. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled. this isn't good enough." They still want to do better. I'm Jewish. I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. "But have you thought it through properly?". My computer says you have two prior convictions. Three hookers stood before him. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome. asks the doctor.' Joe gets worried. "I want to be castrated. "Where do you want these blinds?" Three turtles. Raymond doesn't have it. asks the doctor in amazement. "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." Refreshed at her honesty. the Judge laughed and said. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies. bottled sodas. knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back." The Priest replied. The woman said simply. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind . swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.". I'm a college student doing research for a term paper." Old man: "Hey. explains to them how it works. Steve. all arrested on the same corner. Thirty days and $250 fine. The woman was irate. knowing there are still two floors left. a very attractive guy. the Police had rounded up the usual collection of streetwalkers and brought them before the Judge. the Judge shook his head and said. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. He turns to Raymond. The two nuns look at each other. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done. slow and steadily. says Arthur. "Judge." says the man. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it. competition is really tough!" "Doc" says Arthur." It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket. down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. "Nice boobs." "What on earth for?". and Raymond. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight." Priest: "Then what are you doing here. and the next day he is up and walking very slowly." This time. the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome.' Steve says. After conferring about this for a while. the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go. "Terrible Judge. and so.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener. Heading towards him is another patient. but a promise is a promise. He takes out the sodas and says.

I could have sworn we just went through a red light". I'm not going. "Can I help you Ensign?" The ENS said. "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one. The flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. and open their mouths to eat. get a sandwich. the judge asked.' Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. My husband does. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.. "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." says the flight attendant. did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques. Again. 'Just for that. right at that instant." He said. California." A guy goes over to his buddy's house. does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes.." "No. "You know Nora." A couple made a deal that whoever died first. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. and says." "Ma'am. did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said. am I driving?" A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one. you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen." "Please. he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office. "I've never wanted a divorce.voice." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks. I'm here to activate your phone lines. 'NO!' Joe retorts. and so do my husband's parents. but the answer to your questions is yes.. brick and mortar." she replied. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. At the next intersection.. and then set up a golfing date between him. "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by. "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else. Wishing to appear the hot shot. "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles. "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied. rings the bell." says the pilot. "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Finally. "I mean. "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town. I don't want a divorce. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together. in frustration. She opens her robe and shows one." she responded. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. both my son and daughter have stereo sets. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store. "Yes sir. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant. They sit there a while longer and Chris says. "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. they came to an intersection. He threw Captain's and Admiral's names around and talked about letting them stay at his Daddy's ranch in Arizona." he said. 'We promised. "Lady." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. But then. but his buddy's wife answers. you mind if I wait?" "No come in. "Oh shit. "It's simple. but they just went on through." At which the blonde says. "Do you have a real grudge?" "No. He said he couldn’t communicate with me. the Lieutenant picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chitchat with the Base Commander. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. As they were cruising along. The flight attendant askes the pilot what she said to the blonde. We don't necessarily like the music. "Well. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says. she turned to the other woman and said." he continued. and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road. they went right through." "Well. "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do. Mary." she responded. Mary.' Five more days pass. "Mildred. the Commander. The blonde says." They sit down and the friend says. they came to another intersection and the light was red again." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell .. "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact." she replied. After a few more minutes. The stoplight was red. sure enough. why DO you want a divorce?" "Oh. the light was red and they went on through. and asked." "I'm sorry." A young Navy 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Naval Amphibious Base in Coronado. So. "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes. Raymond pops out from behind a rock. Sitting there. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. so the two turtles weakly lift the lid. "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete." he tried again. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven.a hundred bucks." The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. Is that you Fred? . they would come back and inform the other of the after life.

" After a hearty dinner. "In the bathroom cabinet" she says. fuming. "So where the hell have you been?" she screams.. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight? His wife. At this. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. collects her things and storms out of the bar. His wife looks at him. Roger.. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. His wife's eyes widen. and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him. "No. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Roger is a hard worker. Jumping out of bed. He's just one of the guys I bowl with. drives home at ninety. Roger!" A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. Why are men so happy? Because ignorance is bliss. "No. why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. Willis thanked the host." They are seated. and the waitress approaches. "Well." he stammers. he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look. "but I don't think Dad would like me to. One weekend. What is it like? Well. How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini. but did not utter a word." replied Willis. This went on for several days. but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love. and of course the parrot was by his side. I have sex. telling his wife he'll be right back. then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night. his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports. you see honey. surprised. it was the captain's parrot after all. but he looks the other way. no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball. then I have sex-twice." "That's very nice of you. I have breakfast. "You must come here a lot!". sleep then start all over again. . "I feel a lot better now. he shakes the woman awake. Hell no. He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. His wife." he called out. He dusts his hands. Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used. They stared at each other with hate. the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight." Willis answered. seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. The audience would be different each week. "but Dad won't like it. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab. come on. The magician found himself on a piece of wood. She comes over and sits down. I have sex. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door. in the middle of the ocean. I bath in the sun. asking if she has any baby powder. she says." Turning on him furiously. "Hey. "By the way. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay. "let me see your hands." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbour. rolling pin in hand. What'd you do with the boat?" It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. Willis. he's already there. so he jumps into the passenger seat. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". asks her husband if he has been here before. and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.. I have come back like we agreed." "Aw. no. "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. where is he?" "Under the wagon. "Don't lie.." the boy finally agreed. sees Roger and says "Nice to see you. son!" the farmer insisted." Then a stripper walks up to the table. Once he understood that. OK.Yes. I get up in the morning. "I only went out for cigarettes. he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey." "Wait a minute" snapped his wife. but I know Dad's going to be real upset. so she takes him to a strip club. "Well. I give up.you've been bowling again!" Sexist Jokes. A gin and tonic as usual?". I'm a rabbit in Kansas! A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. it's not the same hat!" "Look. so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood. I have lunch.

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.' . Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. oh well. I'm blonde.How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. Why do women have small feet? So they can get close to the sink : How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet. I'm blonde.." Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". A woman of 35 thinks of having children. yea yea yea. Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A: Thanks Guys. I'm blonde. the dog is still excited to see you. But I've been swung around by the tits. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.L. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.N. I'm B. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde.. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The Blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.ah. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.O. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige? A: Lipstick on the cucumbers! Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.... Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor.

jumbo. Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers? A: They can't keep their calves together! Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. easy and they taste good. and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us she tried to get an all-over tan. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. she brings down the bridge too the highway patrol made her wear "Caution Wide Turn" when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo she fell in love and broke it she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction she wakes up in sections when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck she's on both sides of the family everytime she walks in high heels. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Because she blows the horn! Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's so FAT: she don't take pictures.Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. she takes posters her baby pictures were taken by satellite a picture of her would fall off the wall she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large. chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. she strikes oil she fell and made the Grand Canyon She has to use a VCR as a beeper she broke her leg. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. and the sun burned out she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks she puts on her belt with a boomerang she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors when you get on top of her your ears pop when she bungee jumps. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're fucked. and gravy poured out they have to grease the bath tub to get her out she influences the tides she stands in two time zones she cant tie her own shoes she cant reach her back pocket . Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex.

it says "To be continued" when she steps on a scale. it reads "One at a time. the elephants threw peanuts at her she got on an airplane and only the wings took off she could be the eighth continent she farted and put herself into an orbit I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back the only thing attracted to her is gravity small objects tend to orbit her her belly button's got an echo Yo mama's so STUPID: she got hit by a parked car she looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays she put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog . no one else gets sun when she sits at the beach. blood came out of George Washington's nose when she steps on a scale.class battleship she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book her senior picture had to be an aerial view she has to fly cargo class she has to wear a sock on each toe she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts she needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button when I tried to drive around her. she gets an estimate when she brought her dress to the cleaners. "Okay" when she goes to a restaurant. she came back with flip-flops she has to iron her pants on the driveway she needs a building permit for her girdle she has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller she needed her ears pierced with a harpoon when she sat on a dollar bill. helicopters try to land on her she shows up on radar when she goes to a restaurant. Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean when she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign.that she would have been in ET. the kids yell. please" when she steps on a scale. she caused an eclipse they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through tunnel when they want to clean it she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth she stepped on a talking scale and it said @#**&^% she wears a watch on each arm One for each time zone after she gets through turning around. they throw her a welcome back party when her beeper goes off. she couldn't identify them when she goes to the beach. I ran out of gas she sells shade in the summer cows graze by her for the shade when she went to the zoo. she looks at a menu and goes. Come Again" when she goes to a restaurant. you can only see the "H" and the "D" she was Miss Arizona -. she doesn't get a menu. people think she's backing up she had to go to Sea World to get baptized her favorite dress is a tent she left home with high heels. folks run after her yelling "TAXI" when she wears a Malcom X shirt. it says "I don't do livestock" the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight she has her own zip code the phone company gave her two area codes people jog around her for exercise when she wears a yellow raincoat. "Free Willy" the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds when she lies on the beach. she even orders the "Thank You. but when she rode the bike across the moon. they said "Sorry. we don't do curtains" when the police showed her a picture of her feet.

and I will motion to you at specific times. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons.she bought a solar-powered flashlight she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses /water-proof teabag/wheelchair with pedals she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico she spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate" I strangled her with a cordless phone she sent me a fax with a stamp on it she sits on the TV and watches the sofa she asked me what kind of jeans I had on. the sun goes down when she was born. "I have a problem.And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said. but she bought a pair of flip flops she writes "Thank You" notes for her bills Yo mama's so UGLY: your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye she makes blind kids cry when she threw a boomerang. the toilet flushes when she gets up.. Mrs. they put her in an incubator with tinted windows when she was born." In church the following Sunday. Jones. let's go bury it" when she was born. "Reverend. "What a treasure!"." he said. they put it around her neck they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies when I took her to the zoo. "Yeah. nodding to Mr. a guy at the door said. Noticing this. ". the preacher put his plan to work. her mom said. she asked me what color when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign. and she said "uh. you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin. because her face stopped the clock! she took your dog to the Canine Show and won your dog came in second Funny jokes Never Fall Asleep In Church (Rated PG) One day Mr Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. I said "Guess". When I motion. the doctor slapped her mother when she was born." said the minister. Levi's?" she stands up on an empty bus when I asked her to buy me a color TV. . It's very embarrassing. and your dad replied. "Thanks for bringing her back" the prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her her mom had to feed her with a slingshot her parents first named her "Accident" they knew what time she was born.. Jones dozed off. she went home and got 16 friends she went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed she broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor she only has one toe on each foot. it wouldn't come back the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down when she passes by your bathroom. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping. What should I do?" "I have an idea. the doctor slapped the wrong end the government moved Halloween to her birthday instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle.

and said "Big fucking deal. except -. He opened it. all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick. "Yes. "God!" cried out Mrs." said the minister. Mrs. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon. Mrs. but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. Jones shrieked. The guy took it home to his wife. The whole door shook with the vibrations. so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone. and pulled out an old wooden box. and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The old man said. Jones dozed off again. my pussy. carved with strange symbols. ". but there is the 'voodoodick. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort.. I don't usually mention this." He left for his trip satisfied that things would ." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick. Jones nodded off again." said the minister. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. this time the minister didn't notice. and a crack developed down the middle. but that was too close to another man for him. looking for something special to please his wife. and started screwing the keyhole. We have vibrating dildos. the minister noticed her dozing. you are right. Jones. However. Before the door could split. told her it was a special dildo and that to use it. The old man resisted. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. motioning towards Mr. Jones. and so on. floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. Again. "Right again. get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped. "Nothing. Before long. he made a few motions that Mr. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied. sir." and he stopped.nothing. "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass! Voodoo Dick (Rated X) Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. saying it wasn't for sale. darted over to the door." "C'mon. and started talking to the old man behind the counter. "Except what?" the man asked. "Well. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation. special attachments. tell me! I need something!" "Well. because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. Jones. He explained his situation. The businessman laughed. the door. Mrs. I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked. The old man reached under the counter." The voodoo dick rose out of its box. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He thought about a life-sized sex doll. Mrs. "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet. but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks."Jesus!" cried Mrs.And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. the old man said "Voodoo dick. Soon. smiling and continuing his sermon..

She tried and tried to get it out. my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. She put her clothes on.be fine while he was gone. but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy. and is not having much luck. It protects it from the rain. and wouldn't stop screwing. He inquires about it with the owner. The officer looked at her for a second. another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road. the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm." . After he'd been gone a few days. answering ads in the newspaper. and she was pulled over by a policeman. That night. we don't talk. When we eat dinner. He shops around. and tried to pull it out. like nothing she'd ever experienced before. a happy biker. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain. On the way. "Well. It was great. right. quivering with every thrust of the dildo. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. still thrusting. my ass!" Doing the Dishes (Rated X) A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. and then asked how much she'd had to drink. She got it out. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. Voodoo dick. you can have it. the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. Here. she explained that she hadn't been drinking.After three orgasms. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her. the wife was unbearably horny. Gasping and twitching.. rub Vaseline on the chrome." she says. got in the car and started to drive to the hospital. but then she remembered the voodoo dick." says the seller. since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. In fact. In fact. When the couple gets to the house. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. she decided she'd had enough. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. but it was stuck in her. He always wanted a big Harley. and then said "Yea." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he goes.. Upon inspection. and said "Voodoo dick. "it's pretty simple. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. but nothing worked. He asked for her license. "Honey. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

no one says a word. he thinks. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there." The next day. she replied. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there. Again. . That's courting. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. all right! I'll do the damn dishes. That's when the fever started. dirty dishes. though. she should clean it more often." he says. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. another huge stack of dishes. Her boyfriend must have thought so to. . So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. Piled up the stairs. so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart. the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. "Well. Johnny tells his mother what happened. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra. In fact. He looks at her parents. The boyfriend is astounded. sure enough. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle. In the family room. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right. He wasn't as good as the Dr. As dinner progresses. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table." Mommy . And in they go. strips her naked."No problem. dirty dishes. No one says a word. licking and using his fingers. grabs his girlfriend. but still they keep quiet. a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. They sit down to dinner and. "Her Mom's kinda cute". total silence. She stopped trying and then it squirted all . no one says a word. Flustered. "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. and they make love right on the dinner table. What is Courting? (Rated X) One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. So he stands up. Then. he missed an awful lot. everywhere he looks. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. Still. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

did I explain it right?" His mom fainted.so they turned turned around and went home. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. 7)Q:Why Cant blonds dial 911? A:they cant find the 11 button. but her boyfriend said it was too late.After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sing that said "disneyland"LEFT". she stopped and said she wasn't on anything. They had both cum. I think they were trying to squish it.but don't see them. 8)Q:Why do blond smile during lightning storms? A:they think their picture has been taken. 16)Q:How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye? . Dumb Blond Jokes!! 1)Q:What is the first thing a blond does when they wake up? A:They go home.Where" 12)Q:What do you do if a blonde throws a pin @ you? A:RUN. they spelled macy's wrong!! 10)Q:Why did the blond stare @ the orange juice container? A:It said concentrate 11)A blonde and a brunnet where walking when the brunnet said "Oh look a dead bird" The blond looked up and said "Where. 14)Q:What do SMART blondes have in common with UFO's? A:You hear about them.over the couch. a group of men and a blond? A:Everyone scores. So. 4)Q:What is the mating call of a blond? A:"I'm so Drunk" 5)Q:Why do blonds have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First 6)Q:Here about the blond that got an AM radio? A:It took her a month to find out that you can play it in the afternoon. she has a grenade in her mouth!!!! 13)Three blondes were driving to disneyland. 15)Q:Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman as opposed to a regular one? A:You have to hollow out the head. 2)Q:What is the difference between a telephone and a blond? A:It's thirty-five cents to use the phone. 9)Q:What did the blond say when she saw the YMCA sign? A:"hey look. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly. 3)Q:What does a good basketball team have in common with a bad basketball team.

11. Go through the drive through in reverse. Drive in the drive through. ask if its happy hour on draft beer. Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo? 1. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean. 20)Q:How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday? A:Tell her a joke on Wednsday. 10. 2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any. 14. When ordering in the drive through. Go through drive through naked. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at. then go inside and order. When they repeat your order totally change it. 17. 18. get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires. 12. 19. excluding the rabbit slippers of course! 15. 8. possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner. Wait for the busiest time of day. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay. may i have my money back. Repeat as desired. make them up. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel. Check oil in drive through. when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. park. 4. 9. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days. your dog won't make up his mind. 19)Q:How do you drowned a blonde? A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker @ the bottum of a pool. 7. 17)Q:What happend to the blonde hockey team? A:They drowned during spring training 18)Q:How can you tell when a blonde sent you a fax? A:There is a stamp on it. 5. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having 16. 6. Order a whopper from McDonalds. 20." . after paying get out of car. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place). again. 3. 13. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese. Ask for last months specials. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.A:Shine a light in her ear.

that guy is stupid." I thought to myself. I drive past at least one female that . That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems.000. 23. That's 33. 24. that EVERY SINGLE DAY. That's 642. That brings the number to something like 36. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language. that means I pass a new car something like every 40 feet per lane. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately. 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. ! Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. 25. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in. Play name that tune with person taking the order. or 31. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. According to the National Institute of Health. half of these are driven by females. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. that's 18. 70% describe their love life as Dissatisfying or unrewarding.000 cars I pass every day. A Male Driver's Observation: I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.21. Of these. That's 449. "Man. According to Cosmopolitan. 34% describe men as their biggest problem. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females Carry weapons and this number is increasing. That works out to be 982 cars every mile. Statistically. that's 96 miles each day. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.424 cars. That's 98. 22. This means.

is having the worst day of her period.A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. "She started screaming "He's back. and is armed. thinks men are her biggest problem. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped. Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus." Williams said. of Fort Smith. first officer on the scene." . 32. has seriously considered suicide or homicide. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him. I never expected anything like this to happen. "This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force. husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. according to her husband." just as the Williams' car passed him.has a lousy love life. who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air. who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus. When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls. Jokes ARKANSAS CITY (EPA) -." said Everet Williams. Flip one off? I think not. and Mrs." said Paul Madison. Ernie Jenkins. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky. pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration. and said "Come back here. He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car." he went on to say.

but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. 2. we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. labeled "93211-D. and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. However. Clams don't have teeth. 2. who has small children. which is obligated to accept submissions and reply to the person who sent them. 3. let us say that: 1. believes to be "Malibu Barbie. and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. layer seven. Without going into too much detail. _____________ Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington. labeling them with scientific names. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters. 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute. The material is molded plastic. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.C. To the best of our knowledge. D. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny . Rather.The story behind the letter below is that there is a man who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute. Sadly. the variety one of our staff. This is the actual response from the Smithsonian Institute. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen. next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull. it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution. no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination. and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation. insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.

....if she spoke her mind.she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated. yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly." ." -.. ... .. it is.she thought a quarterback was a refund.. . .she tripped over a cordless phone..under "education" on her job application. Harvey Rowe Curator...." which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front. .. .. she put "Hooked On Phonics.." she turned around and went home.she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY. .. Speaking personally." ...when she missed the 44 bus.she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. . she moved.she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. .Ralph Waldo Emerson She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ... nonetheless. and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum..... she'd be speechless.." .she thought General Motors was in the army.. I.. . Antiquities "Do not go where the path may lead.." ..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday...." she put "Sagittarius.. ...... for one.. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. However. and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your backyard.she had a shirt that said "TGIF...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept... .. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil. . fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy.... ." .she studied for a blood test... Yours in science.she sold the car for gas money! . and didn't really sound like it might be Latin in origin.. .. ... We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating illifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institute.she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here.when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home.Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino... go instead where there is no path and leave a trail......when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left...." ..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. ..she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train. she took the 22 bus twice instead.. .she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate..

ye did lad. "You're in charge of sweeping. "About 2 hours. waits an hour. Bill. and nothing. I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies..." The guy leaves.one button at a time. but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere. Built." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.Muscles rippleacross his chest as he reaches her. They all stared. the guy in the show pulls out a knife and stabs the woman in the opera. They ask.. The first indian goes. you just killed the best piece of ass in regina An Italian. the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!! On a recent transatlantic flight.And whispers:. So the first indian shoots into the sky.. the >pile of sand is untouched..unbuttoning his shirt. he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman." A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks. if I'm going to die. One woman in particular loses it. you just wasted my last arrows. packed with indians." He then says. flowing black hair and jet black eyes." And to the Chinese guy. the first indian says. waits an hour. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says.. what have I done.." The Scotsman replies. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. The barber asks. then starts singing. "Why didn't you sweep any of >it?" The Italian replies. Bill comes back into the shop. riveted." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns. "Bill. well now what." The guy leaves. waits an hour." A little while later. the quy singing." She wails. You saida to the Chinese a >fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies."Iron this. "Well. "I no hava no broom." The guy leaves. Tall. He turns to the first indian and says. Ukrainian opera. I thought >I told you to shovel this pile. tears in his eyes and says... Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. getting near the end. do like the white men. opera is going on. waits a min.. The third indian shoot into the sky. He asks the Italian.I don’t fucking know. "Your house!" .. quickly shoots again. "Hey.. what are we going to do. you mother fucker. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a >construction site. where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up. follow that guy and see where he goes. ohhhhh ohhh ohhhhhhh . but then doesn't come back. Just then." he says He is gorgeous. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks. "You're >iN charge of shoveling. a plane passes through a severe storm. "And you. and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says. ohhh ohhh ohhh. "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says. I expect you >guys to make a big dent in that there pile. She stands up in the front of the plane. "About an hour and half.. "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says. boot ahcouldnay fin' him either. nothing! Second indian shoots in the sky. "I can make you feel like a woman. "I'm too young to die. An indian stands up in the crowd and yells. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut. The turbulence is awful. and still nothing.He removes his shirt. Screaming. "Now. I have to leave for a little while. "About 3 hours. Then she yells.." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says.Jokes Three indians get lost in the forest.No one moves." To the Scotsman he says. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the >Italian guy. with long. "Aye. laughing hysterically. at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. "You're in charge of supplies. nothing.

but are you putting more money in?" She looks at him and replies indignantly. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them. The first blonde says "They're deer tracks." She then whispers. so the blonde women looks up and goes "Where?!?!". duhhh. Out pops a Mountain Dew. What do you call a blonde with a dollar on top of her head? All you can eat under a buck." Why did the Blonde jump off the building? She thougt her maxi pad had wings. . "Excuse me. miss. takes out a dollar and inserts it in the machine. then pushes the button for Coke Classic. pushes a Diet Coke selection and out comes a Diet Coke. She puts it on the counter by the machine. the thirsty businessman says." The second blonde says "They're bear tracks. A blonde walks into a library and says. She immediately takes the change and puts it in the machine. Out comes a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. Then she reaches into her purse again. A blonde and a brunette women were walking along the road when the brunette women says "Hey look a dead bird". “Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?" Why didnt the blonde's leggs know each other? Because they never met. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents.Blond Jokes How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday. As she is reaching into her purse again." Then a train hits them. “Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?" The librarian looks very confused and says. but never see any." The third blonde says "They're wolfs tracks. She examines the buttons carefully. I'm still winning. Three blondes are hiking through the forest when they find some tracks. “Do you know that this is a library?!" The blonde says oh I'm sorry I didn't know. studies the buttons for a short time. What does a blonde say during a porno? There I am! Why can't blondes dial 911? They can't find the eleven on the phone. studies the buttons for a moment and pushes the Mountain Dew button. "Well. How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. What is the difference between a blonde and a penny? A penny has more cents. A sweet young thing gets to a soft drink machine just ahead of a businessman who wants to quench his thirst.

(Sucks all the memory out of your computer.. I can't believe she DRINKS! " The blonde said. "How do you know I’m a blonde?" He replies. (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus." What Do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted I know a blond so stupid that she got locked in a bathroom and peeed in her pants! Three mothers were sitting having tea together. one was a brunette.. It's a microwave... I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day.." He says in return. she comes in with red hair and says. The red head said. I can't believe she has a PENIS! What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO? Don't know.. How do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. " How strange. she says. "That's not a TV. and the other was blonde. (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus.Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk? The cow fell on her. (Saves your data. and I found a bottle of beer.. "I'm sorry. A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the clerk. and I found a condom. " That's weird. One was a Red head. Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their mercedes with a wire coat hanger. I can't believe my daughter SMOKES! " The brunette said. "I'm sorry. "I want to buy that TV over there. (Reformats your hard drive into a 3. What do you call a blonde in college? A visitor.5 inch floppy.. we don't sell things to blondes. The girl with the hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath when her friend said anxiously. (Terminates some files." Frustrated. she comes in with brown hair and says. but will be back) THE LORENA BOBBITT virus. "I want to buy that TV over there. Stay tuned for Holyfield/Tyson III on Pay Per Chew... but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.. I haven't seen either. .. then Emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus. and asked "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?" 86% said "Never again". (Quits after two bytes) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus. "I'm sorry. THE CLINTON Virus. leaves." The next day. we don't sell stuff to blondes.." He says... "hurry up! it's starting to rain and the top is down!" Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. I was cleaning my daughters room the other day. " I was cleaning my daughters room today and I found a pack of cigarettes.. "I want to buy that TV over there. They took a survey of 10." The next day.000 women in Washington DC. then discards it through Windows It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets. we don't sell things to blondes.. What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff? Cadillacs seat six." He says.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. he has a website. I fall out tree. Q : What do you do after raping a deaf. I play with me. the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick. She strip he. He and she leave house. NO FEE How do you spot a modern spider? He doesn't have a web. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call it. He strip she. I watch. he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's butt. I climb tree-look in window. it's not gonna come anyway! Jokes Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex? A: It's warm. She kiss he.Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary Why does California have the most lawyers. He play with she. dumb and blind girl? A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone. I follow. A few days later. he hires a famous Asian detective to observe and inform him of any activities that might develop. Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded. not see. and New Jersey. Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia. He kiss she. She play with he. Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape? . He and she get on train.. I follow. A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.. it's tight and more degrading to women. So. Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. He and she go in hotel. He come house. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her .

" The operator asked. Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too. Q: What do 54. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Bubba replied. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of . "Where do you live?" asked the operator. The redneck gets emotionally involved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What's the most popular pick up line in Alabama? Nice tooth! ----------------------------------------------------------------------Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhoea. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? A: Drowns. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." ----------------------------------------------------------------------How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. Redneck Jokes Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.A: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it. "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.000 abused woman every year have in common? A: They don't fucking listen. "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Bubba said.

can I have one?" "Shoot. When they meet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. telephoned the fire department and shouted. Ummmmm . and one to watch out for traffic. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock." replied the fireman. and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens. Arkansas burned down? Yep. He says to the driver. ----------------------------------------------------------------------A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire. ----------------------------------------------------------------------A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? -.000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. One to eat. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Why did God invent armadillos? So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell. "Got any ID?" The driver says. ----------------------------------------------------------------------How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. My house is on fire!" "OK. a tornado in Kansas. "how do we get there?" . J. ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them. they're still brother and sister. and one is carrying amsack." "If I guesses how many they are. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. he rushed next door. . .000. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other.I-40. one says. "Bout what?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the $3. "Hurry over here. "Hey Tommy Ray. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. five?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------What do a divorce in Alabama.the high schools! ----------------------------------------------------------------------What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? A documentary. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Why did O." "OK.

A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much."Shucks.1 ---------------------------------------- Blond Jokes 1. 14. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! 15. 13. 12. Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. 4. They've never met. don't you still have those big red trucks?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! 8. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! 10. 3. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! 2. 11. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. 9. 7. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. 6. . 5.0. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because.5. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes V.

22. 34. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. 27. 25. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. 31. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. 33. . A2: They cant find the pull tab. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. 24. 19. 30. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. 29. 23. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! 26. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. 20. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. 18. 21. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.16. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. under a buck. 32. 28. 17. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 35.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. wrong hole. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. 45. 47. 48. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 44. 49. 39. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.S. 50. Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop.T. 38. Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!" 46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it." 37. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter." 55. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" 43. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: She was run over by the zambonis machine. 52. 54. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front. 41. 40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -. 53.Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. 51.36. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! 42. .

I mean. 63. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* 69. 64. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. 73. 61. "Next". 66. 60. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour. 71. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. 67. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. who really cares? The batteries have run out. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex! 70. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. Guys!" "Are you boys all in the same band?" Do you guys all play for the <team name>? Who were all those guys? 65.56. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized. 58. 57. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. Q: A1: A2: A3: A4: A5: A6: A7: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? She drops her nail-file! Who cares? She says. Q: A1: A2: A3: A4: What do blondes say after sex? "Thanks. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? A: Bucket seats. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilized. 59. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings? A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping. or the flat rate? 68. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 72. 62. A2: Walks home. 74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? . Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn.

83. Q: A1: A2: A3: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? "What's a lightbulb?" One. Are you sure it's mine? 86. "Daaady!" 78. wondering what she did with her pencil. There is no such thing as Santa Claus.A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear. Two. 89. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar.. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. 82. 85. 84. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 87. the Tooth Fairy. A2: Both have a cockpit. One to hold the Diet Pepsi. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. 88. 80. the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. Q: Santa Claus. there is no such thing as Santa Claus. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. 91.that's cute. and one to call. 90. 81. 77. 75. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. a dumb blonde. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because. A2: None of them. A2: They are easier to keep amused. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. or a smart blonde. . I want to go to Miaaami!" 79.. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee. What did you name the other one ?" 76. the tooth fairy. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy.

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 95. 109. A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. They're both round and have three holes to poke. 106. the looser it gets. 96. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. 108. and it won't follow you around for a week. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! 97. 105. 99. A3: There is no difference. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. 104. 98. 107. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted.92. 100. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. 101. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? . Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. 93. who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 111. 103. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it. A4: You don't eat your bowling ball 102. 94. 110.

121. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. 117. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. I'm blonde.. 119. yea yea yea. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. 112. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! 125.. 129. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard..O. 122. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 114. 113. 118.N.." 128.A: They're both empty from the neck up. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. 120. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A: Sweet Fuck All. A2: Three. . there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. 124.one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit." 123..L.ah.. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. 127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds. 130. 116.. I'm blonde. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. oh well. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms. Q: What's the blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. come home. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in bed by 12. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. I'm B.. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows. I'm blonde.. 115... Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex! 126. A3: Two.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits." 141. 136.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. like little snails. 134. 148. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. 147. they stick to the floor. 140. 142. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! 149. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. . they don't moo. A2: So that when you pull their tits. 138. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed? A: Because they always burn their nipples. Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes. 139. But I've been swung around by the tits. 143. Q: How do you describe a blonde. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. 133. surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. A3: So they don't leave trails. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" 146. 135. 145. 137. 144.131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" 132. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"? A: "No. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! 163. 166. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. 168. Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them. 154. A2: A labrador. 167. 153. 159. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! 156. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her? . 157. A3: So men can understand them. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader. 158. 161. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. 152. 151. A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover. 162. 165. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. 160. A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blonde electrician. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.150. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A1: A golden retriever. 164. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE! 155. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes? A: Because they're simple. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. 170. 177." 188. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. easy and they taste good.169. while a blonde says. "Cock'll-doodl-doooo". Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.I think I'll paint the ceiling beige. a nymphomaniac. "Beige. 173. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. "Are you done already?" The blonde says. 174." 184. I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" 171. and a blonde? A: The prostitute says. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal? A: One's a busy ditch. 182. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. 186. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? . 181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. 187. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. 179. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. 176. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why. 185. 172. 175. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. 180. "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says. "Any-cock'll-doooo.. 183. 178. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor..

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.. 200. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.screech. 202.. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom. SCREECH.. . varoom.VROOM.screech.. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.. It's on. 204. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. 198.. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. 192. 201. 194. 207. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".A: "Is it mine?" 189. SCREECH. varoom. 193. 197. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air.? A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light. 203. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap. 199.. 205.VROOM.. 190. 206. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Cause she blows the horn! 191.. It's off. It's off. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo.. It's off. It's on. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: What goes VROOM. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.screech. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. 196. 195.

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 215.. "Where?" 219." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?. By the time she drove eight miles. 220. what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. look at the dead birdie. "Miss. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! 211. but wherever it is. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. "Awww. How about the suicide blonde. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No.. . A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. 213." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go.. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver." The blonde stops. 218. she dyed by her own hand.208.. may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car. duh! Here it is. she had cleaned 43 restrooms. After thinking for a minute.. while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no. R: Neither did she. not another breathalyzer test!" 221. it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.. 212." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her. 216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". looks up.. 217. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road. The brunette says suddenly. 214." then we could do without the ironing lady. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! 210. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.. and says.

So she announced. and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. and she was too tired to go on. 226. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves..222. "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. last night I had over a hundred. ten miles. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. The second one. the redhead. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes." They keep arguing.. Those are deer tracks. and one half hour later they were both killed by a train." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. but she said." So she swam out five miles. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh. The shore was just in sight." So she swam out 5 miles. NINETEEN miles from the island. and arguig. crying. 225. There were three people stranded on an island. as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. 223. The blonde came running downstairs. and got really tired." "No. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes. its starting to rain and the top is down! . "Is it true that if you pull you finger out." So she attempts to swim out. 224. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh. "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it. She swam out ten miles from the island." 229. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. I'll sink?" 227. Operator: Hmmmmm. those are wolf tracks. a redhead. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. 15 miles. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. it's working fine. 228. But he says I can't cook. said to herself. so she drowned. too." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. "I'm going to try to swim to shore. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend. look at the deer tracks. So the blonde thought to herself. you'd better hurry up and try harder. you mean with one guy. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. she was too tired to go on. yes. a brunette. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No. so she drowned. After 15 miles. "I wonder if she made it.

230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly." 231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." 232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... 233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" 234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" 235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. 236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her." 237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

238. Q. How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day. A. She has a tampon tucked under her year, and she can't find her pencil. 239. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. 240. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. 241. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them. 242. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels.

243. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. 244. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. 245. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. 246. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. 247. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. 248. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. 249. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. 250. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." 251. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. 252. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. 253. Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. 254. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. 255. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum) 256. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb! 257. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. 258. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck. 259. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts. 260. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. 261. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A: An Italian suppository. 262. Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands? A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place. 263. Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and

eating Jell-o? A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. 264. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. 265. Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? A: She was having sunny periods. 266. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! 267. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose? A: When she farts, her knees bag. 268. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. 269. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. 270. Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. 271. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. 272. Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down? A: Marry her. 273. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. 274. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. 275. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. 276. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. 277. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. 278. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. 279. Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later. n like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them. 281. Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. 282. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! 283. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

281. a chimp. four bucks. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. what? 300. 282. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! . Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. 292. four bucks. 293. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Q: What do you call 3 blondes. 296. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. 284. not for a zillion f*cks. 290. Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. four bucks. 285. 4 f*cks. 289. 297. 286. 288. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. 291. 287. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks. 280. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A: A brunette with bad breath. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons? A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. four bucks. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress.A: From eating with forks. Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. 4 f*cks. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee' 298. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What. 4 f*cks! 295. 299. 294.

what? 300. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. not for a zillion f*cks. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. Q2: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev? A: He knows who the ten men were. 291. 292. 302. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. 288. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. . 287. a chimp. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A: A brunette with bad breath. 286. Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. 284. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. 290. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. four bucks. 4 f*cks. four bucks. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee' 298. Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common? A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. 4 f*cks! 295. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons? A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. 285. 297.283. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. 296. 294. 299. four bucks. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What. Q: What do you call 3 blondes. 4 f*cks. 293. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. 289. 301. four bucks. and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks.

318. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq? A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water. please. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU? A: Too many blondes were drowning. Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! 320. 319." . Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're fucked. 304. I could never eat twelve pieces.303. 306. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it. 308. 307. 311. A: "Six. 314. what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge. "I won her in a raffle!" 322. 317. 305. Q: To a blonde. 316. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. 321. 312.. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. 310..because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third Grade. 309. 313. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. who would die first? A: The brunette -. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian? A: Because she loved children. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. 315. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

326. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. The blonde says. "Mine's going to be a boy. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby concieved ?" "He was on top ". "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" 333. opened it. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed." came the reply. but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? 10 after watching the ballerinas. He wrote this on his pad. 330. but nothing upstairs? 8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? 9 was told she was a silly puss. she jumped into the back seat.Mentally Deficient? 6 7 had a terrific stairway. 331. The 2nd brunette says.323. she replyed. Did you hear about the blonde who: 1 had more on her body than on her mind? 2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? 3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice? 4 got into the taxi. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? A: Because every time the door opened. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. 'cuz I was on top during conception". The contractor wrote this down and went to the window. and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry. The 1st brunette says. 327. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. . wondered why they didn't get taller girls? 11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? 12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? 332. walked to the window. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. 328. . The painter wrote this down. opened it. Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him. 324. and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? 5 was an M. "I just know I'm going to have a girl. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. 325.D. walked to the window. 329. 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. Another blonde.. the guy's boss returns and asks. "you will have a baby girl. Another blonde in the porno shop: She asks." She pays him." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one. Finally. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while. They take a lickin'." replied the blonde. " said the doctor." She pays him. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. and off she goes. "who ripped off my car phone!" 338. "Plus 6 cents for the tax. "I was on top ".. "I wondered how they kept them on.." 340.. another store. and off she goes...The second woman was asked the same question. the third women. A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). I've never had a plaid one before. She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3. $35 for the black one. $35 for the black.. that's a very special dildo. "I did really good. "Am I going to have puppies ?". Lickin! 335." 339.. "I'll take the plaid one. but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.. and keep on. Blondes." She: "I think I'll take the black one. "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white. leaving its owner rather perplexed..it'll cost you $165. At a carwash in Burbank. $35 for the white one." "Oh." She: "Hmmm. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35. and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant. "$35. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband. I sold one white . "No. I've never had a white one before. "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded. Confucious say.. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? 336. 337. was the reply. blonde who fly upside down have crack up.. a blond." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off. About three minutes latter.. "How much for the white dildo?" He answers. burst into tears." She pays him. 334. she reappears at the car wash yelling.I think I'll take the white one.." She thinks for a moment and answers...." said the blonde. "The kind for under his arms.." he replied.." She: "Hmmmmm. With this. working at a porno shop." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks.how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well. This guy just started at his new job. I've never had a black one before.. and off she goes.

higher offer Nitrate -.journal of daily events Dilate -.soldiers' ball game Grippe -. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it.district in Rome Cat scan -." 342.distinguished.was aware of Outpatient -.friendly D&C -.cheaper than day rate Node -.to live long Enema -. Series -.got hurt at work Medical staff -. 344. .what doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -.doctor's cane Morbid -.O.damn near killed 'em Recovery room -. a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? A: Blow in her ear.not a friend Fester -. Blonde Medical Terminology Anally -. so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.quicker Fibula -. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.I.sickness at airport Tibia -.place to do upholstery Rheumatic -.coathook Impotent -.I.study of knighthood Tablet -.where Washington is Diarrhea -.Made eye contact with her Colic -.hiding anything Seizure -.a punctuation mark Congenital -. herealizes his manhood is still pretty hot.non-Jewish G.fatherhood test Pelvis -.person who had fainted Pap smear -.amorous Scar -.U Caesarian section -.letter carrier Protein -. "Oh.searching for kitty Cauterize -.Roman emperor Serology -.sheep dog Coma -.dildo.opposite of you're out Varicose -.suitcase Hangnail -. well known Intense pain -.occurring yearly Artery -.study of paintings Bacteria -.rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -. and I sold your thermos for $165!" 341. Just then the blonde walks in and says. After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up. one black dildo.located nearby Vein -.torture in a teepee Labour pain -.conceited 343.back door of cafeteria Barium -.letter like A.small tablet Terminal illness -.favouring young people Rectum -.a small lie Genital -.country in North Africa Tumour -.E. I always wondered how you refilled those.cousin of Elvis Post operative -.an extra pair Urine -.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? A: "Thanks. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team! 348. Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle? A: Rebel without a clue. 354. four bucks.. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE? A: Full. guys." 359. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 BLONDES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL? A: AIR POCKETs.. blowing air into ears) 356." 358. I just lie there. four bucks. 352. What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. Q: A: 361 Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her ankles warm.) 350.F? Tits go in first. 347.. The final frontier. 357.. 355. Why does a blonds bra say T. four bucks. Q: 363. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas? A: So guys will talk to them at parties. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team? A: Just One. four bucks. Boomer Esiason. Imitation of a blonde refuelling...G. . Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: To keep from bruising their ears. 364. (Flap hand. Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No. What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends? A: Regular price.. 360..345. Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES? A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.. 346.I." 362. Q: A: What's brown and red and black and blue? A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. 353. 349. 352..

373 Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A: Divorced. Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections? A: A wine and cheese party! 381. Q: A: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? She didn't know what ONE came first. Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A: You lick'm. and to all a good night. One to stand in the bathtub. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.365. Ho. Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. 376. 370. Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? You don't. Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat! 382. and another to pass her the blow dryer! 377. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. you see if you've got 3 condoms. A2: Their mothers told them not with there mouths full. 368 Q: A: 369. The blonde asked inquisitively. Ho.. Person 1: Wrong. 379. 372 Q: A: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? Divorced. Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? So she could keep the refriderator cold. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. (Visual Joke) . Q: A: 367. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought. 371 Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. Q: A: 366. 378 Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho. "How do you give shoulders?" 375. 374. and send'em on their way.. A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. That's disgusting!" 380. it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. stick'em. How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree.

And the finale 392. Blonde: Easier than what? 388. 12. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic sling to hold it all together. Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke THINGS TEACHERS WOULD LOVE TO WRITE ON A STUDENT’S REPORT CARD… BUT CAN’T 1. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road? A: One's a bike in a ditch.Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time? A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions) 383. When the student’s IQ reaches 50. This student has delusions of adequacy. he’d have to be watered twice a week. and the other's . . but the train isn’t coming. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. 389 Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin 390 Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. 10. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L. 384. 8. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. he/she should sell. . Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. 6. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 385. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: She liked kids. 3.. If this student were any more stupid. 7. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 13. 391 Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. . 4.A.? Blonde: I don't know. If your child had two brain cells. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. 2. 387. 5. I would not allow this student to breed. 11. they’d kill each other. 386. 9. your child has reached rock bottom and has starte to dig. lights are flashing. Gates are down. Student has been working with glue too much.. Since my last report. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. .

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