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The Anglo Week

The School’s first quality weekly
Issue 1, 28/04/2008
Editor: Mr. S DISCLAIMER: The events and people depicted herein are fictitious, any similarity to real places or people, living or dead is entirely coincidental. By reading this paper or looking at any images held therein, you are forfeiting your right to criticise or take offense at it. The Anglo Week and all its contributors hold no responsibility nor interest in any of your petty minded complaints.

Gambling in our school
Gambling destroys our children and undermines our communities. This disease has found its way into the very heart of local community.
Every so often, a group of students will grow weary of the day to day study which is imposed upon them. Some will drift into pubs or drugs or if they are feeling particularly low they will watch the Jeremy Kyle show. However sometimes a worse plight is brought upon them. Gambling. This is of course an irrelevant side track on my exposure of the 500 club. For those innocent minded readers who are unaware of what this evil system operating behind your backs in your name is, I shall explain. The school encourages parents to set up a standing order of £20 a year from which they take a cut

We’re NUT working today
Thursday 24th April marked a historic day for the country. A day when NUT members far and wide gathered to strike out against pay cuts. The strike action came after weeks of advanced planning and authorisation and had a clear and reasonable goal from the outset. Many teachers chose to take to the streets in peaceful protest as a means of speaking out against this heinous injustice. The figure offered by the government of 2.45% comes far below the NUT’s demand of 4%. It may not have been supported by any of the other four teaching unions and condemned by the government but that had little to no effect on the NUT members’ resolve.
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and repay some back to parents in the form of prizes. This sick ‘bookie’ role the school has taken withstands despite the harsh rules rightly placed upon the students in regard to gambling, bringing whole new meaning to ‘those who can’t, teach’.

Castro quote of the week
I am not a communist and neither is the revolutionary movement. At the risk of sounding ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by feelings of love.

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The Anglo Week

A book review: The King James Bible
Guest Contributor

Starts a little bit slow. Builds up a bit in the middle, and no-one really wins in the end. Trust me. Feels like it’s missing bits of detail, and some of it is perhaps a little ‘out there’. The characters are not particularly deep, and the story jumps around a bit. Not something that should really be a holiday read, even if you find it in your hotel free. It is a book that contains something for all the family though, for dad the action, for the kids the violent stories, and for mum a little bit of romance (prostitute), child-rape and property law.

too much of a cliff hanger ending. (Which seems like a plan for the next edition). Also the first bit is obviously plagiarized off the Pentateuch, and the Gospels are a bit same-y. Also the Paul character seems pushy. Obviously written in the past, since nowadays we’d have more taste than to publish someone’s mail. In some parts it’s a little gloomy, especially if you’re a heathen. (Which most of us seem to be)

“the Paul character seems pushy”

A good book for those interested in the eternal condemnation genre. For those fascinated also check out, the Torah, the Koran, the Hadith, Joseph Smith’s books and Jesus Christ Superstar for a different take on a similar theme. I look forward to my excommunication. Come and get me Ratzinger.

A book review: Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code It’s shit.

Wouldn’t transfer well to movies, and has

Readers’ letters: Submit your own
This weeks star letter

Suppressed proletariat masses, hail comrades! The time is right for revolution; Rise up, cripple the two-headed monster and its vile conformist children! This day, we rid ourselves of the bourgeois curse and decide our own destiny! The corrupt authorities and their harsh immoral policies have plagued us for too long! How many times have we been hushed in our study room, OUR STUDY ROOM! How many times must we be repressed in our common room, OUR COMMON ROOM! The place where we should be communing and creating thunderous noise through our veneration of the great, noble and intelligent mortal Gods of our battered and decadent history: Mau, Stalin, Del Castro! This magnificent day, we have the chance to remove the conformist laws and obliterate the social conditioning that prevents us from achieving our true will. If one should want to marry a horse, then are they to stop one? Furthermore, let us not blind ourselves against the increasing imperialistic actions of the greedy two-headed monster. A worrying number of new buildings, an increasing number of students and, we have recently discovered, PE lessons will be shortly increased threefold. Who does this compare to? That’s right… the devil himself: Hitler! Hitler did exactly the same with PE lessons in German schools! What shall the monster do with this large mass of strong… soldiers? Send them to the frontline in order to expand their vicious control! ACT NOW! Take the initiative and burn, break, annihilate our common enemy. Take the power of freedom and equality and decide our future! Yours sincerely, A. Mann

Issue 1, 28/04/2008

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Would three heads be better than two?
By Ms Y

Would (x + 1) Heads be better than the currently, lowly, x. Yes, I’ll say they would. In fact I can see no logical limitation to the sheer number of management staff the school can take.

Why though would we stop there, surely then two deputy head boys are better than one? Surely two teachers per class are better than one. Maybe go entirely crazy and have two pupils per textbook. In fact ideally, they would build two schools, and each run one.

Mathematically speaking the number of head teachers has no limit, but since realistically speaking not everyone is quite able of pulling off part of the job of a regular head teacher we probably need settle for a forum of head teachers. A head-staff senate, where they can decide each of the rules for the plebeians, set their own pay, hire frightening management staff, and then eventually retire to a full head teacher's worth of pension each.

This article was written with recycled arguments.

Work-shy free-loaders want time off when they should be teaching
A collaboration article with Mr. S and Ms. Y
Continued from page 1

figure). The latter being less reliable because of its heavy weighting towards fuel, To take a slightly different slant, now this is the ease of manipulation of housing costs, the lack of any revision and the lack of no longer a front page article, perhaps inclusion of education costs. On the whole, they should get to work. After all 2.45% is the CPI is more generally used globally greater than the 2% increase for all other and is used as the governments target for civil servants and public workers, including the armed forces, the police, NHS staff inflation. Whichever figure you look at, you will find an inflation value below 4%. etc. But do the doctors and nurses strike, even though they’re battling disease in Since Labour came to power, teacher’s NHS hospitals, riddled with MRSA? No, pay has already gone up in real terms by a because if they did people would die. Do fifth. the police strike, after battling crack heads and chavs day in and day out? No, because criminals would roam the streets. Do the army strike, battling armed insurgents? No, because it would be dereliction of duty and they would be promptly dismissed. So why, I hear the masses screaming, have the teachers taken a full day away from battling with childhood illiteracy and occasionally teenage violence (which on both counts, they seem to be losing abysmally), in order to protest to the government. Well the answer is simple, money. This is not a suggestion that all teachers are in their profession merely for the money, they’d have to be quite oblivious if they were. However the stated reason for this strike was a ‘below inflation pay increase. Inflation is 2.5% according to the CPI (Consumer Price Index) general inflation figure. (This approaches 3.8% year on year when looking at the less reliable RPI

Plus let’s face it, teachers only work 32 weeks a year and it’s not like they have to do anything complicated. With exams getting easier and the curriculum getting shorter, there really are more and more people that can take a two week course to become a teacher. Why then should they get a 4% pay increase, a number which was seemingly pulled out of the thin air. It’s not like we haven’t just heard that a record number of students can’t read or write, or that 20% of students won’t be entered for the core subjects at GCSE because they’re too thick. Now it would be unfair to leave this article with solely negative views in it, so I invite any teachers or any pupils who were forced out of THEIR school, paid for by THEIR and THEIR PARENTS TAXES, a couple of weeks before THEIR SATS, GCSEs OR A-LEVELS, to write in and tell us of your views. Please leave any responses to this or any other article pinned to the notice board and we will do our utmost to acquire them before someone else does.

Of course, this comes at a poor time. With jobs in the heart of the capital in the private sector more at risk, (40000 likely losses according to JP Morgan), and people in that sector with uncertain job security and an unsure economic climate likely to have greater difficulty gaining a mortgage, teachers only had to sit back and enjoy the relative ease.

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The Anglo Week

Baka by Jam

Crossword

Coming soon to a youtube.com near you

Quiz
What is the name of this shape? A — A triangle B — A special trapezium C — An n-sided shape, where n-3 of the sides are equal to 0

FIND A PICTURE OF KARL MARX to win a special prize

Answers to Quiz — All answers are apparently true

Issue 1, 28/04/2008

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Test the nation
By Mr. S

Over the last few weeks the sixth form students have been subjected to various tests which would not be misplaced in criminal profiling. The first of these was the ALIS test, a thorough twenty five minute rummage through the respective intelligences of the Anglo students which led this reporter to ask the question ‘Can a person’s brain be analysed to any real extent through testing their ability to map a dice or is it merely a ten minute exercise suitable for a nine year old to occupy the students temporarily?’. This test of course was not alone. No sooner had we finished completing fun geometrical patterns, than we were thrust into another engaging piece of citizenship. It’s not that I’m particularly against mind-invading

mental assessments, however is there really any merit in spending one hour of our valuable study time to pander to the demented whims of whichever sociologist came up with this ‘Belvin’ test? Is it reasonable to call it learning when we while away one hours worth of our lives answering questions which are vaguer than Mr. Bryant’s hairline to finally be rewarded with a reiteration of the answers we gave? Perhaps this has been an unfair appraisal, perhaps there is some worth to this test, maybe everyone in the World can be categorized into a handful of groups and thus everybody must have about six hundred million people with whom they are intellectually identical, though it seems highly unlikely.

Horoscopes*
Aquarius
This week will hold some challenges for you maybe you’ll have to climb something, I don’t know. Do not fear take it one step at a time, or two if you’re in a hurry.

Pisces
Someone will ask you to do something which you are uncomfortable with this week , but I suppose you’ll have to get use to it. See previous for more advice.

Aries
This is your only opportunity to do this week, so you’d better do it right or you may end up ruining next week and then the whole thing comes tumbling down etc.

Taurus
You are a strong confident person, who probably has a vague idea of how this week is going to pan out, therefore this was a waste of time. Thanks for reading.

Gemini
The stars tell me of terrible things in your future, but why worry about that when real people are probably slagging you off behind your back as you read this?

Cancer
Your stars hold bad omens, but with a star sign like Cancer, that should be pretty obvious, I mean you’d find the hidden message if your star sign was called ‘renal failure’.

Leo
This week will bring events, some good, some bad, with any luck they’ll balance each other out and you can float through this week on a cloud of indifference

Virgo
This week is a necessary step in your progression to next week. So in that spirit just get on with it and if you want some self-affirming notions which will help you through the next seven days, go bother your friends.

Libra
This week will probably be the same as all the others for you. Maybe you’ll find a cool leaf or something. Maybe your life will get better, but for now I’d imagine it sucks.

Scorpio
The name of your star sign would suggest that you have some similarity with a venomous, carnivorous arachnid. Take a long hard look in a mirror and see the truth, these names mean e ss e n t i a l l y nothing.

Sagittarius
There’s no way out of this week. Unless you count the easy way out. It would be perfectly reasonable to take the easy way out. I’ll turn away now if you want to do so.

Capricorn
Chaos theory states that because tiny variations of matter can lead to vastly different outcomes any string of events is theoretically possible, thus refuting horoscopes etc.

*Disclaimer: The Anglo Week, including its editors and writers, accept no responsibility if the above events do, or do not, occur to you for we regard it as complete bullshit

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The Anglo Week

Sport
Football

Improvised by Mr. S

Webster’s dictionary defines sport as “That which diverts, and makes mirth; pastime; amusement”. With this in mind your wish to read the following page of sport analysis is most likely driven by a desire to divert yourself from something or pass time. It all sounds pretty empty, nonetheless...

Recent weeks have shown an increase in the number of people who are playing football matches. For those unaware football is ball game centred mostly around the foot, as well as including a net, pitch and about 22 sexually frustrated men. A standard football game will end in a win, loss, draw or brawl. The object of the game for each player is to pass the ball to the slightly faster players. Should the ball be intercepted during a pass, standard proce-

dure is to raise ones arms in the air thing to do with pigs’ stomachs. Here and swear blindly at the other players. are some recent football results. Similar rules apply in the event of one 0—0 player harmlessly brushing past an1—0 other, although it is also commonplace for both players to dive to the 2—1 ground clutching their limbs. Once 6—3 the fastest (or in Manchester United’s 2—2 case, ugliest) player has the ball, they then kick blindly at a net. Therein lies 1—1 the genius game of football, a sport 3—2 designed to give poor people some-

Running etc.
The fact that the London marathon can now be completed by overweight middle aged accountants really does beg the question of what was that pansy Greek soldier talking about when he collapsed on the streets of Athens all those years ago. Perhaps he had to do the run in full armour but I definitely saw some people dressed up as pirates and trophies and even one crazy guy who dressed up as a 101-yearold man. Perhaps we should have some sympathy, after all he had just fought off 25,000 Persians but still at least he didn’t have to go through the rigmarole of getting sponsorship and have to undergo a health check before being allowed to do it.

Misc.
Golf
This guy got a ball and hit it dead far with a stick until it went in a hole. That event could have been a lot shorter but he chose to do it over a period of 3½ hours. Face it golf fans, it’s boring.

Polo
Not to be mistaken with the crippling viral infection. Polo is a game involving horses but apparently they don’t jump over anything and you’re not supposed to bet on individual horses.

Kidnapped horse makes daring reappearance to celebrate the Good Friday Agreement

The famous race horse Shergar recently made a press release that he had decided to come out of hiding for a short time to celebrate the ten year anniversary of the good Friday agreement. Long thought dead the horse revealed that it had orchestrated his kidnapping to Motorsport Croquet avoid the pressures of the modern horse Yesterday cars were revealed to do seriI think this is the one that involves frivo- world. Shergar, 30, claims that he worked in ous damage to the environment by relous misuse of a hammer and has far too collaboration with the IRA to escape his owner’s grasp. Masquerading as the Rt. Hon. lease of dangerous gases and noxious many rules for what is fundamentally Ian Paisley for the last 25 years, Shergar was fumes. Sources say that motorsport driv- golf for rich twats. very happy to see the dispute come to a reaers were ‘uninterested’. sonable end.

Tennis

Motocross

We lost

What? Can’t afford a real car?