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Asylum

I had her right where I wanted her she was so vulnerable, I could have moulded her anyway I wanted. I am sure she would have caved in to whatever I suggested at that moment. Oh God! If only I had the courage to just tell her. To tell her the truth, rather than blasting my latent rage at her! Of-course, she never knew how I felt. How much I loved her!! I circled the ring with which I was supposed to propose her as the lift announced its arrival. I was involuntarily circling the ring as my thoughts cascaded around how stupid and cowardly I was. How cruel and accusing I was being to her for trying to dispense her loneliness by finding someone who was accepting and encouraging. As the lift began its descent from the topmost floor, I too began my journey into the abyss of my despair; my self-loathing getting fiercer with each second. I was drained of any emotions other than pure hatred; and as if on cue there was a blackout and I was stuck in the lift. My inner darkness manifested my surrounding... the lift, just like my mind, was completely void of light. Total blackness, the empty darkness which was devouring me from the inside suddenly started consuming me... and as I stood there looking around the emergency light flickered on and I was standing there all alone in that smirking yellow glow... reinforcing the lonely existence that I lead! I am sure as hell Ill Hey will you hold on your rant for a moment and stay calm?" I looked around the four corners, seeking the source of the voice.... I couldn't from whence the voice came. "Oh I am here only, to guide you through this... don't worry the security guards are on their way, theyll open the lift doors soon... said a voice that seemed to come out from within the lift.... and thats when I realized that I had lost my mind! Yeah, Youve. It's either that or another plausible but seemingly impossible assumption could be that I can read minds promptly said the voice from the speaker. Oh Crap. Yeah, Shit happens. I stayed silent for a moment... I concentrated on what I wanted to do... to get out of this mess and confess everything to Smriti, embrace her and tell her that I love her. I will pull my act together and be responsible; I will stop being possessive and be more accepting. If I could just get out of this lift and climb up the stairs! Oh God please! Make it quick, I just want to go up and tell her everything, tell her that I am sor "tell her that youll never hurt her. Then youll plead to god to make the security people come up real quick, make them open this damn door and let you out! finished that ominous voice as if he was bored. "Dont worry, they are on their way. They will come up shortly! And yeah, I am bored of your whining! Oh My GOD! How the fuck does this guy know what I AM THINKING? Hmm... hahahahaha How the hell can he hear what I am thinking? Or Am I Talking? I mean I am sure as hell that my lips ain't moving! "Yeah, they are not! he said. Fuck! Thought I. You! came the response. What the hell! This is Heaven, buddy. You may percieve it as a well made, 1200x1500 mm rectangular compartment made of stainless steel with a foolish young man slouched inside it. If

you want hell, you should see that its a padded cell with a mindless ass inside. Whichever you choose, remember that you are stuck between two floors. What? Yeah, you heard it. You are exactly in the middle of two floors; there is no way that they can get you out unless electricity is restored." So I am stuck? Seems so. Crap, what a pathetic day this is.True. I dont need a comment on everything that I say or think or ask, ok? Anyway how the hell can you hear my thoughts? "That's not important. The matter worth significance is that I can hear you and I am the only here capable of helping you." Hmm... Thank You. But can you spare me for a moment? Im seeking some self-introspection not to a therapy... Anyway, who the hell are you? I asked loudly. I could feel my lips move; I could clearly hear my voice vibrate within the confines of the 1200x1500 mm stainless steel bullshit! There was no reply, Silence was slowly slithering and engulfing space between me and the walls; the only recognisable sound was the fleeting echo of my last question. In that moment of peace, as I slouched into a corner, I revisited what I did, how I ruined everything... Smriti and I were colleagues, she was beautiful and generous; she helped me immensely when I joined the firm as a newly appointed executive. She had this aura which made me comfortable and at peace with this new environment. Thanks to her, I somehow gained self-confidence even though this change and transition was way too much to adapt to. She was reason behind my success at this office. Gradually, our relationship as colleagues grew and we formed a friendship that steadily led to me asking her out and we went on a date... within days and few dates we formed a strong bond and we were heading smoothly and steadily onto the next level. Thats when the demon inside me woke; the simple gestures and smiles that Smriti showered on others irked me, made me furious... I wanted my Smriti to be mine. The very Idea of sharing her with someone bought shivers, we fought on this regard, I was furious (and Stupid!) she was angry cause of my attitude and reasoning. We stopped talking completely and within a few days she was off to Chennai and Hyderabad for recruitment. I was in despair and logically to subdue my hopelessness I should have of-course changed my attitude and should have mended my ways, but that's what reasonable people do, not me, she was touring those cities for a period of three months and those 90 days completely shattered my mind. I was restless, I constantly enquired about her to those she was in contact with, how she was doing, when is she coming back, et al. I was concerned that in my absence, she may find someone... someone who was both better looking and understanding than me. And when she came back, I was relieved, I was happy that everything was fine I still had my Smriti. Yet, we didnt speak and I never made any effort to talk to her, whenever we bumped into each-other, she smiled and I would just ignore her and walk away. My coldness towards her may have motivated her, may have been the reason behind her taking comfort in the company of Rajeev, they would hang out together, laugh, enjoy and gradually I could sense that they might be heading towards something. And I was in despair, the very thought that Rajeev would snatch my Smriti away from me encouraged me to confront her about our relationship I decided that I would mend my ways and we could continue together; thats when I decided to meet her, talk to her, persuade her to be with me. Today was supposed to be the day when I would have attained it, but to my utter disbelief, as I was about to knock on her front door, I could hear her laughing and talking to someone; she was happy

about something and I decided to wait and listen. But they were not talking then, I waited and then I heard her say I want you. And then, I decided to knock. Rajeev opened the door, and as I soon as he saw me, he gave me a sheepish smile, Smriti was wearing a satin gown and was lying on her sofa... She wasnt surprised to see me, she just smiled. Rajeev spoke first, You have a sense of Timing, Man. followed by Smritis Hi.. But before she could say anything else, I swiftly entered the room and with all my energy kicked Rajeev in the groin, jumped on to him and started punching his face left and right. Smriti was hysterical and started screaming What are you doing? Leave him, you MAD BASTARD! And by the time I stopped punching him, he was semiconscious and was quivering on the floor, I got up turned to Smriti, looked at her, she was crying, screaming her gut out, she started hitting me with her hands, I held her and steadied her and asked her to look at me. Tears streaming she looked me in the eye and I could see fear etched all over her face... and I felt pathetic, thats when I told her that Please don't be afraid... I... I cant stand the thought of loosing you! Please... I want to be with you, I took out the ring that I had with me and I told her to be with me, always. She looked at me and then took a step back and slapped me and screamed, You are pathetic, you mad son of a Bitch! You barge in here, try to kill the one person I care about and then you have the nerve to ask- Get out. GET OUT! and as she screamed, she grabbed a steel vase on the table beside her and tried to hit me. I blocked her, held her hand and took away the vase from her hand. Thats when Rajeev came behind me and tried to grab me. I instinctively hit him on the back of his head with that vase and he slumped down on to his knees. I looked at him and Smritis words pierced my body like nails. Two blows, thats all it took me turn Rajeevs swaying body into a heap of bloody mass and as I stared at him, Smriti was shocked at what I just did... she just stood there staring at Rajeev's body... she slumped down slowly too numb to react. I surveyed the chaos and destruction that I caused, I was overwhelmed and I ran for it... I entered the lift feelin Tch tch tch.... that was gruesome. OHHHHH! FUCK YOU, YOU HALF WIT SON OF A BITCH! DONT YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TO SHUT UP, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! My voice was shrill. And dont you understand that when someone says Get Out, you get the hell out rather than stay and try to kill them? he said calmly. And that put me in my place. It better put you there, otherwise I know how to deposit you he concluded. He didnt say anything for a long time, must have go "Hey what time is it? and thats what you get when you are too optimistic! I glanced at my watch, it showed 4.20 am. Hmm... What? Still no electricity. She was right when she said that youre to be locked away..." he said and I was like What the hell are you talking about?! I am confused.... who is this person you are talking about? You will never know and you will never understand... for when you knew, you choose to believe otherwise. You choose what that pathetic mind of your fancied rather than seeing and accepting reality! Fuck man. What the hell are you talking about? You are going round in circles would you care to explain? Explain?! There is no point in explaining cause you have now travelled beyond reason. You lost it! You just couldnt confront what it was.

You are mad. And now you are driving me crazy, just wait till I lay my hands on you... you raving lunatic. Yeah... whatever. Silence again- Nope. Hey, you told me one story, how about I tell you one? I think it will rekindle some of those CFLs and bulbs that we have gone dim today! Go Ahead. Ok. So there was this guy who was timid and shy and used to prefer to abide by a routine. A rigid routine that he never changed, you know, his life was like well tuned Clock, always going round, never running out of battery... you know like I get it. Come to the fucking point. Move. "Yeah, so... when his previous employer fired him, he was stuck. Stuck at home, he could never figure a way to get out this mess until he was recruited once again. Now, you remember what I told you about his routine, right? Yeah. Hmm, good. Now, our guy never spoke to a girl not even a professional conversation with a colleague, so when this new recruiter called him for the interview and later hired him, he found it extremely difficult to communicate with her, except for whatever questions she asked. But his rigidness was not unnoticed by her, she sought the reason behind his lack of communication and monosyllable answers and after a gruelling session she finally had a breakthrough when he opened up and stated his problems. She promised to help him. Just like someone you know. Ha?! What? Who?? Oh you know her. No I dont k Then youll know pretty soon. So when he joined the company, she did all that she could to help him settle down and thanks to her within two-three months our protagonist was soon comfortable and formed a new routine at the new place. But he noticed that whenever she was around him, he felt comfortable; he was able to adjust to things that he was averse to earlier. Gradually he began to embrace the idea that if she was with him hell be happy. Hell be able to adjust to things. Hell be able to explore life! You getting it? Yeah. He was falling in love. Nope. He was infatuating on the idea that she is making his life worth living. Rather like you, he thought that she was reason behind his happiness. What the? What do you mean, like me? You know what I mean. I So-, please let me continue. So his infatuation with her motivated him to constantly bump into her, talk to her and seemingly shower attention on her, whereas his mind was building fantastical castles filled with imageries where they were falling in love. Small details became large stones that laid foundation to his imagination, a conversation that only lasted a minute became dates that lasted for hours and hours. He was gradually becoming obsessed. You getting it? Nope. Just like you. Oh for gods sake, stop comparing me with a fantasizing lunatic, you Please let me continue. Eventually, like any relationship, his fantasy realm also came under stress when she started getting busy with her work and he started imagining that she was ignoring him. You getting it? What? Getting what? Then eventually she was asked to leave on a Recruitment Tour for 3 months to some cities. How about now you getting Stop it, you motherfucker stop it.

Ah! You got it. Good. Finally the CFLs are blinking! I said stop talking. Stop Talking? Me talking has got nothing to do with what you are in... You are the one who is projecting stuffs.... you are the one with all the reels.... you are showing yourself a movie... so whatever you want to stop... you stop it yourself! You do realise now that you are in a fantasy world. Your denial is your fantasy. For gods sake, embrace truth and be cured. STOP IT! STOP IT!! OR I WILL KILL YOU!!! SMRITI AND I ARE TOGETHER! THATS THE TRUTH! That your fantasy. A fantasy you have been harbouring inside that tiny cell of a mind of yours! SHUT UP!! And I raced towards the speaker, banging my fist against the speaker. But instead of the reverberating sound of steel, I heard a muffled thud and felt pain! Hahahaha... look around you, where are you? Inside the elevator of the posh residential complex or in a rotting Cell? You think youre in heaven, boy? No you are actually in hell! "They survived the attack. The neighbours rounded you and the police took you in custody, you were tried and she testified against you. Whilst at the trial when this fantastical story was brought up, it not only amused her, but the newspapers as well. OUR STORY ISNT A FANTASY! A searing pain began puncturing my head. Oh quit it! Stop banging your head against the wall..! Your story is as fantastical as any myth ever written. It is a goddamn mythology! Accept it you mindless vermin! For the sake of those who love you accept it. And relieve me the plight of enduring this night after night! Pain was numbing head and I was losing my senses, yet I keep on banging. I want to get this crap talking motherfucker out of my head. I want to escape from him. You wont escape from me or from whatever I have to say. Accept it and that is the only way for us to move ahead. Or because of you well be stuck here forever...... stuck between these floors. Accept it, please! Suddenly darkness was pierced by the scampering rays streaming in through the narrow slit. I looked up. Please. Accept it, Please! The yellow glow, shinning and I lost.......... ....Son of a Bitch. Sleep, you asshole. Sleep till we meet again tonight.