Pastors Vusi & Busi Radebe

Caught in the Web of Divorce

All rights are reserved by the authors

C.V. Radebe and B.F. Radebe No portion of this manual may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical which includes Photocopying, recording or by any information storage system, without written permission from the Author.

This book is written by C.V. Radebe and B.F. Radebe P.O. Box 16187, Leondale, 1424 Copyright: Abanqobi Publishers 2006

FOREWARD

In the midst of crisis, there is panic but time is a determining factor and soon all the worst is over! The sky may be dark, the clouds may hide the sky, but one should never lose sight of the fact that behind every cloud there is a silver lining, the cloud will move and the sun will shine again. There is hope for every hopeless situation in Africa the final hope for all is in trusting our God. Our parents are a great source of inspiration to us. We salute them for taking the bold step to obey God and choose not to please man. We are grateful that they fought hard to break the spirit of divorce which is rampant in our family blood line. They are our heroes. We may have nothing materially, but thank you for leaving us a good legacy, thank you for salvation. You are our heroes and role models. This book is a manual for all families; it brings hope to those who lost hope in marriage!! The challenge it puts to us, Let us build marriages that last, for this is Gods plan. Bonginkosi, Thembinkosi and Musawenkosi bakwa Radebe

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

First and foremost, we wish to thank God the almight our Creator, for giving us the ability to write this manuscript. Members of the body of Christ, friends and relatives, who were praying for the perfect, will of God to prevail over our lives. You deserve to celebrate this miracle. We are indebted to several writers recorded in the bibliography and preachers who at various stages inspired us to put this manuscript together. Our God-given spiritual parents Rev and Mrs. Makhathini of the Christ Ambassadors Gospel Church, Vosloorus, who helped us to rebuild this home, and Pastor and Mrs. L.T. Xolo, of the Apostolic Faith Mission Church in Vosloorus, who shared lots of information about divorce and its consequences. Our mother Evelyn Gigaba, who became a strong pillar of support during our trying times. Our friend, brother and true support of family unity, Dr Agrippa Khathide for uplifting us when we were down and out. God bless you and your family. By the Authors C.V. Radebe & B.F. Radebe B.A (Unizul); B. Theol (T.U.S.A); B.Ed (Wits); H. Ed (Unisa);D.div(Team Impact Christian University-USA)

DEDICATION To my mother (Sophia) and (belated father, Daniel) who gave me 17 years of good love and care, they have modeled to me what good family life is all about. I love them and appreciate them. Thank you for the good I learned from you. To my mother in-law (Albertina Siluma) for being such a good mentor to my wife. To my brother in-law, Bheki, thank you for being a pioneer for family reconciliation. Our children, Bonginkosi, Thembinkosi, Musawenkosi who thought they were so traumatized and affected by our divorce, but managed, through the grace of God to release their forgiveness to us and still continue to love and support us unconditionally when we reconciled. To my wife Busisiwe, who is a great source of encouragement to me, thank you for sharing your life with me and allowing me to use our marital experience as a resource to the public. Our special thanks go to the members of Breakthrough Ministries for understanding and a loving us during the difficult time we were through, may their support and empathy be richly rewarded by the Almighty Father. Thank you for not being judgmental and remaining true and loyal to us. This book is dedicated to those soldiers who are fighting a good fight of staying in their marriage and those who are working hard to build lasting marriages. It is also in appreciation to those who are celebrating each year of their togetherness despite all attacks they face. And also for those who have hope for reconciling with their partners one day. Finally, this is to honour those role models who have achieved twenty years and above of celebrating their faithfulness to their marriage covenant.

ABOUT THIS BOOK This book must be read by those who want to take the final step to divorce, you need to know what lies ahead of you and decide if it is worth it? It is also for those who want to quit and cancel their marriage vows, not forgetting those who have divorced but have now been convicted that divorce was not a solution and are considering a come-back. After twenty-six years of our marriage, we developed a strong sense of intolerance, judgement, bitterness and continuous quarrels and accusations against each other. We started to gang up with those who were sympathetic to us, telling our own side of the story to portray justification and mobilization for divorce support. We became unfaithful to our marriage vows and rebelled against any Godly advice to reconcile our differences because she had rebelled against me and she accused me of unfaithfulness when I said I did no longer love her and was opting for a new lover. Because we were leaders, the house of God was divided by lies and fabricated stories. I lost hope of being ever happy again, by integrity was destroyed, I filed for a divorce. This led to the destruction of both our marriage of twenty-four years and career as Pastors of a church we had founded eight years back. My wife remained with the congregation; I walked out and started a new church. Both of us were well looked after by our congregants with all our needs met materially. We had to pick up the pieces of a failed marriage and learn to accept that our decision to divorce was not what we wanted, our separation never worked out. We reconciled mysteriously and dramatically, it was indeed Gods miracle that up to today both of us do not understand because were still taking each other to court every month. Thinking that our reconciliation would be good news to the family of God, we were shocked that the whole congregation was influenced to walk out and isolate us because they said the reconciliation was a fake. Our character was assassinated and all sort of evil rumours were spread about us to destroy peoples confidence in our leadership. Opportunities came over, divided the congregation and split the church. We were left with only a few loyalists who were also called names by those who had deserted us. We were left in financial ruin and lived by the grace of God. We were stripped naked as everything that supported us was taken from us. Our children were also traumatized when members started to discuss their parents in shops, street corners and taxis. They influenced everybody and left us together as a family, the loyalists and our God, that was the miracle of our survival. I felt so hopeless that I wanted to take away my life. We both felt so cheated and angry inside, and wanted to take revenge. We wanted to go away to a far country somewhere where no one knew us and made a new start. We felt totally confused especially when we saw the caliber of people that were

rising against us in judgement, each having their own weakness, we became more confused, nobody explained to us what happened nor were we the given a chance to put our side of the story. The whole congregation walked out on us because we had chosen to reconcile, yet when we were divorced we had whole hearted support of the members. Divorce is one the most stressful situations a person can undergo. It strips you off your sense of worth and lives you naked and vulnerable. As a divorced person I went through a lot of negative feelings, my mind failed to reason properly, I could not neither sleep nor eat properly and I was unable to handle all my daily activities by myself. I asked myself many questions why it had to happen because we had counseled marriages, reconciled divorced couples and like all the other couples we faced difficulties in life and marriage, we never looked for an easy way out of marriage, but had always looked for God to help us. But then I realized that John 10:10 says The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy I realized that my wife was not the enemy, the church members were not the enemies, but the devil had targeted us to destroy more marriages so that people should remove focus from what was happening in the Kingdom of God. I will strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter Matt 26:31 The devil wanted us to give up hope and to become weary of doing the will of God. Vusi and Busi Radebe

THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK Many people do not want to divorce but see it as a lone practiced way out of a troubled marriage relationship that does not work. Bu5t once they have divorced, they feel cheated by their own decision and feel betrayed by following the norms of society. A great number of couples. Ultimately become convinced that divorce is not what they wanted but they have already made the decision and have to stick by it. This is the web that they are caught in. some dont want to divorce but are convinced that the marriage does not work and this leaves them caught in the web not knowing what to do and seeking somebody to rescue them from the entanglement. I was caught in the web of divorce, I was busy trying to remove the web yet the spider continued to mend the web b6y spinning new and stronger webs. I was dealing with the fruits and yet ignoring the roots which are seedbearing. It is high time people face divorce, head-on and deal with the spider (handle the real casual issues-roots) until they kill it rather than deal with the web (fruits or results).

INTRODUCTION Marriage is a good gift from God and is to be celebrated. Whether this is your first, or second or even third marriage, I say: Even though you may have opted to divorce, divorce is not a way of solving marriage problems, instead it creates permanent problems and gives no solutions. Let the married celebrate marriage and appreciate, support and protect their partners for this is the will of God. I write this book as a person who knows the pain of a broken home because my parents divorced when I was 18 years old. I have seen how my mother struggled to raise the family on her own without a husband, how she suffered depression and was even led to taking her life on several occasions. I know how I hated my father because my mother kept telling us that all the suffering we have comes from the devastation and desertion he caused us. I know the magic formula of a good marriage, and what makes a marriage work, Ive seen God blessing my marriage as long as we lived in love, forgiveness and in submission. I have also seen the marriage facing difficulties and destruction when we looked for an easy way to solve the problem than to let God solve it by His grace. I have seen even Christian couples who take their marriages for granted as a roller coaster ride and just because they know that, the Bible says God hates divorce. Couples who have filed in their marriage have failed to allow the love, grace, forgiveness and mercy of God to be operational in their lives. This is exactly what Christ did on earth to the people. Divorce is a spirit and can be contagious and transferred if not denounced spiritually. Divorce is rapidly increasing in South Africa. The Christian church is also getting greatly affected as the rate increases. One of the greatest causes of family breakdown is that the fear of the Lord had departed from couples and the Bible is no longer used as standard for life but human rights and the independence of Womens movement and lack of Godly discipline and the respect of authority has led to the collapse of the family, Holy institution of marriage and the family unit.

Divorce and re-marriage is a subject that brings a lot of discomfort to people with a troubled marriage or those who are divorced. It is also viewed as impossible by those whose marriage is smooth running. For the divorced or separated the mention of the name marriage, causes a mixed reaction and triggers many negative feelings of failure and sense of hopelessness.

1.Foundation of a good Marriage Build Carefully Since Jesus said, "I will build my church," we should let Him build His church by being careful how we build upon the foundation He has laid. In the Old Testament period strict guidelines were established for the tabernacle and priests; nothing was left to men to do as they pleased. The importance of following these guidelines is reflected in what the psalmist wrote, "Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain" (Psalm 127:1). The same principle is true in the new covenant period. Although the new covenant's guidelines are very simple compared to the old covenant, there is still a building plan to follow. Paul wrote about this: According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled master builder I laid a foundation, and another man is building upon it. Let each man take care how he builds upon it. For no other foundation can any one lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if any one builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw - each man's work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done. If the work which any man has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward. If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire I Cor. 3:10-15 The reader should note that the building material can be divided into two classes: gold, silver, precious stones, and wood, hay, stubble. The first group can survive a fire test, the second cannot. The Christian's work [10] can fall into two groups, one group will survive and the other will not. In light of the above, let us go to the Scriptures for God's plan for the church. Let the disciples learn from their Master Teacher how His church is to be built

The Bible Speaks on Family

The Bible contains Gods plan for achieving quality and health in family life. Christians are constrained to take very seriously the Word of God as it relates to the family.The Bible teaches that the institution of family is of divine origin and purpose. The Bible also provides guidelines for good relations within the family. A commitment to the Bibles teachings and principles provides todays best hope for the recovery of family life. I. The Family Is Divine in Origin. 1. God created human beings in His own image. Then God said, Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female (Genesis 1:26-27). Then the Lord God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (Genesis 2:7). 2. God created people so as to need and find fulfillment in human companionship. The Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him (Genesis 2:18). 3. God initiated the first family unit. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to come over the man, and he slept. God took one of his ribs and closed the flesh at that place. Then the LORD God made the rib He had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man (Genesis 2:21-22). II. The Family Is Divine in Purpose. God created the family, and He has divine purposes for it. Following His purposes for marriage and family life gives us the best opportunities for family fulfillment. 1. Companionship is a basic purpose of God for marriage and family life. Sex is a God-ordained means of overcoming the essential loneliness of human existence. Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is like him (Genesis 2:18). This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Havent you read, He [Jesus] replied, that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and He also said: For this reason a man

will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate (Matthew 19:4-6). 2. Procreation is another basic purpose of God for families. God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth (Genesis 1:28). Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord, children, a reward Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons Happy is the man who has filled his quiver with them (Psalm 127:3-5). 3. Nurture is still another basic purpose of God for families. Now if anyone does not provide for his own relatives, and especially for his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). He also said to them, You completely invalidate Gods command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: Honor your father and your mother; and, Whoever speaks evil of father or mother must be put to death. But you say, If a man tells his father or mother: Whatever benefit you might have received from me is Corban (that is, a gift [committed to the temple]), you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. You revoke Gods word by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many other similar things (Mark 7:913). III. The Bible Contains Divine Principles for Good Family Relationships. Gods purposes for the family have been challenged, but they have not been changed. In the Bible, God gives the principles and the power by which His purposes for the family can be fulfilled.

Husband-wife relationships:
1. The Bible calls for the marriage relationship to be characterized by mutual and voluntary submission in mutual respect and trust. submitting to one another in the fear of Christ (Ephesians 5:21). 2. The Bible calls for mutual fulfillment in sexual union in the marriage relationship. A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).

3. The Bible calls for mutual fidelity in a monogamous relationship. Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled, because God will judge immoral people and adulterers (Hebrews 13:4). Do not commit adultery (Exodus 20:14). 4. The relationship of the wife to the husband. a. She is to love him. older women are to encourage the young women to love their husbands so that Gods message will not be slandered (Titus 2:3- 5). b. She is to be responsive to his leadership. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should [submit] to their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:22-24). Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the [Christian] message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure, reverent lives (1 Peter 3:1-2). God commands that wiveswhether married to a believer or non-believer should seek to honor their husbands leadership. The passage suggests that wives exemplary lives can cause their unbelieving husbands to come to know Christ personally. A Spirit-filled life can be convicting and also provides a platform to share the Gospel. The passage, however, does not suggest that the wife should obey her husband when such actions would nullify or compromise her Christian witness. c. She is to respect him. the wife is to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33). 2. The relationship of the husband to the wife. a. He is to love her. Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies each one of you is to love his wife as himself (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33).

b.

He is to be committed to her. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31).

c.

He is to be considerate of her. Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as co-heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

The relation of parents to their children:

2. Parents are responsible for teaching their children. These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). 3. Parents must train children. Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). 4. Children need loving discipline. And fathers, dont stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). 5. Children need a worthy example. clearly recalling your sincere faith that first lived in your grandmother Lois, then in your mother Eunice, and that I am convinced is in you also (2 Timothy 1:5). Uzziah did what was right in the Lords sight as his father Amaziah had done (2 Chronicles 26:3-4).

The relation of children to their parents:

6. Children are to honor their parents. Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you (Exodus 20:12). 7. Children are to obey their parents.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right (Ephesians 6:1). Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing in the Lord (Colossians 3:20). 8. Children are to learn from their parents. Listen, my son, to your fathers instruction, and dont reject your mothers teaching (Proverbs 1:8). 9. Children are to provide for their needy parents. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, they should learn to practice their religion toward their own family first and to repay their parents, for this pleases God (1 Timothy 5:4).

2.Character determines the destiny and duration-(generational curses)

The Sins of our Parents Hosea 4:6 People die because of Lack of knowledge, because you have ignored the love of your God, I also will ignore your children. 1.Ex 20:5&6- God punishes children for the sins of their parents 2.Eph 6:1-6 Children and parents relationships 3.Ways of teaching Children 3.1 Words-instruct 3.2 Actions-do,model,demonstrate 3.3 Set an example-mentor/model The most effective is through setting an example.You are a product of your parents: Abuse,violence,pride,liquor,divorce;promiscuous,getting illigetimate children before marriage,joblessness, resigning from jobs-suicidal tendencies eg Vosloorus Sin: 2 Samuel11:2 Davids rape-he used his authority to force himself upon Batsheba-killed Uriah, the husband (Job 31:1)-Covenant with Lust Result: Sin caught up with the children: Amnon raped Tamar 2 Samuel 13:1

Sin: Abram went to Egypt and called his wife/ sister Gen 12:10-12 (He also prospered V16) Result: Isaac stayed in Gerar and called his wife Rebekah/sister Gen 26:7 Isaac also prospered V12-13 Sin: Esau was robbed off his birthright blessing by his brother-Jacob and this was the plan by their mother Rebekah Gen 27:3-40 Result: Jacob worked for Rachel but Laban gave him Leah and he had to work for another seven years. Gen 29:17-28 Result: Jacob worked for his flock but Laban wanted to rob him Gen 30:25-43-Was robbed by his uncle. He also robbed his uncle and gave him the weaker ones. Gen 30:42 Sin: Abraham slept with his slave Hagar because his wife Sarah could not get children-they were impatient with the promises of God. Gen 16:1-16; Gen 21;1-7. When THE prophecy was made, Abraham was 86 years old when he got Ishmael. At 99 God told Abraham he will be with child Gen 17:1 Abraham was 100 years old when his son was born Gen 21:4 His two wives fought over child bearing. Result: Jacobs wives-Rachel and Leah fought over child-bearing-Gen 30:3. Here is Bilhah my maidservant sleep with her so that she can bear children for me.Leahs servant Zilpah got a child Gen 30:9 Sin: Davids love for women was passed on to Solomon- He had 700 wives and 300 concubines.This caused him to loose his throne to Rehoboam.

Conclusion: Heb 12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Release- Ps 30:5 For his anger last only for a moment, but his favour for a night but joy /rejoicing comes in the morning . Read and Pray: Isaiah 61:1-2 The spirit of the Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor.. He has sentme to bind up the brokenhearted Read and pray: Ps 61 Ps 62:2

Check the History of Divorce in your Family As I glanced in my rear-view mirror, I could see the huge red fire truck bearing down on me... lights flashing aggressively. Hastily, I made it out of the way just in time. But then something odd struck me... the sirens were not blaring. There wasn't an emergency. What was going on? Then I looked closely. And what did I see? A lovely young girl with hair like burnished gold... maybe 19 or 21, dressed in sparkling white bridal garment... along with a sharply dressed, smiling young man. Holding hands together and standing in the back of the open-air truck, they were waving and smiling at the crowd. Whoa! This young couple newly married just hired a fire truck for the evening drive around town! I joined the crowd and waved back. The spectacle just brightened the whole place and drew smiles of joy from the face of everyone. At that moment it dawned on me what a precious joyful thing marriage was designed to be. This was 6:15pm Thursday evening.

Another Time, Another Place...

Different set of people. By 7 am Sunday morning in church I was jolted back to hard cold reality... like someone poured a bucket of ice-cold water on me. It happened when I innocently asked a brother how his family was doing ... "She's gone... walked out on me with the kids," came the sad reply. "Y...you m... mean..." I stammered trying to contain my shock. Not these ones. They always seemed so happy... always smiling. "She just said she felt like she was in prison or something. Packed up with our 2 kids and left for Arizona," he said sighing wearily. Then a thought struck me.

"I'm so sorry to hear that." I began. "That's okay, thanks," he said. "Excuse me for asking this...is there any pattern like this in your family... or hers?" "Not mine," he said gently but firmly, "in her family no one stays married for long." Hmmm. Before that week was over I had heard of 5 more similar cases. What could be going wrong?

Shocking Revelations ...

In our ministry years back we did a grounded spiritual research into collapsing marriages and up came certain shocking revelations. Some of them were not pretty. In fact, the enemy starts with one of the oldest and most successful strategies in the book - confusion of tongues. For students of the Bible, this lethal weapon was first used by God Himself against the builders of the tower of Babel in Genesis 11. It is such a weapon of mass destruction that it can create suspicion, misunderstanding, confusion and disintegration in a marriage... in no time at all. What happens is the husband and wife begin to disagree on practically everything... no one listens to the other and before long communication breaks down... then the enemy unleashes other MORE dangerous weapons. So we had to learn very quickly how to adapt the prayer of the psalmist like this: "O Lord, divide the tongues of all those targeting my marriage for destruction." - see Ps 55:9. In these marriages, We also uncovered an evil pattern of: * breakup or divorce either in the husband's family or on the wife's side or both. * marital problems transferred from one generation to another... using such vehicles as unbroken curses and hidden covenants. * hidden spiritual marriages in place. * invisible marks of hatred placed on the husband or wife . This makes one repulsive to the other and vice versa - after only a few months of marriage.

* warning signals ignored or simply not understood. Sometimes these warnings came through dreams. etc.

This One Had A Happy Ending But ...

To give you an example, once we found a man who was deeply in love with his wife - for 6 months. Then all of a sudden he couldn't stand the sight of her. No one could think of anything wrong that she had done. Eventually he walked out on her. She went for counselling... no solution. Her friends took her to all kinds of "prophets" and pastors. She even went to see 5 different therapists, 2 psychics and even an hypnotist. Nothing worked. She went into prayer asking God for another husband. No response. Her heaven was like brass. As she put it she had desperately prayed to God to send her that special someone with whom she could glorify and give Him praise... no answer. In fact all she seemed to be getting turned out to be nothing but "wolves in sheep's clothing." She gave up... not knowing how to navigate the tricky minefield of finding a sincere, God fearing man to share her love with. Then the Lord had mercy on her. One day, a friend at work invited her to an unforgettable Friday night prayer meeting we used to hold in those days. It was hot and wild ... no-holds-barred kind of intense praying, the type we do during our Prayer Marathon events. As soon as I called one strange prayer point, one prayer eagle noticed a spiritual mark on this sister's forehead... a tiny star-shaped symbol that was not visible to the naked eye. We stopped the prayers and raised this singular prayer point just for her: "Blood of Jesus, wipe off all handwriting of hatred and rejection from my

life in the name of Jesus." We prayed it 3 aggressive times, until we received an assurance from the LORD that the mission had been accomplshed. We thanked the LORD for the answer and moved right on to the next prayer bullet.

What Was The Result of That Prayer?

That same weekend the husband called for the very first time since the break-up. We didn't rest on our oars. 12 more sessions of customized prayers (with fasting) followed ...and hubby came home, full of apologies! Praise the LORD.

101 Prayer Bullets... RELOADED

I dug around. And found this sequence of prayer points I wrote a few years back as an instructional manual for couples facing stubborn generational marital problems. It contained 101 of the most potent prayers we've ever prayed on this issue of marriage and relationships. I've revised it, added fresh material... more teeth, more bite, hard working prayer sequence to hit straight at the root of the matter and continue working long after everyone has forgotten about them. There are some explanatory notes and scriptures. Plus specific instructions on when and how to pray them aright. And this is now included in the GOLD Edition of the Prayer Academy ... because many people have been writing and saying they are interested... in solving their marital problems using time-tested, PROVEN biblical principles. For deep spiritual reasons I cannot go into here, full access into the GOLD Academy site is severely restricted. Please listen carefully... Do you happen to know anyone whose marriage is not all it could be, maybe a friend or even a relative? * * * * Or Or Or Or the marriage is on the verge of falling apart? has broken down already? tell-tale signs of wear and tear are beginning to show? any couple just trying to bullet-proof their marriage against satanic storms?

3.Communication 3.1 Understanding the opposite sex

Differences Between Men and Women

Stereotypes in the division between men and women. The realists out there will simply nod, and even laugh where appropriate, since its just plain truth in most cases that certain significant differences to exist between the sexes. There are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, these 15 points of contention provide for easy ways to perpetuate the rift been the two disparate halves of humanity. 1.Urinary Protocol
Its really quite simple: Men have stringent rules they follow to make using the bathroom a quick, efficient, and silent. Its business, whereas for women, its a social event. Women will go to the restroom as a group, and use the time to discuss a full range of topics. Men go as far as to have rules set in place to ensure standardized utilization of personal space, as well as a code of silence and overall conduct when in the restroom with other men. The two schools of practice couldnt possibly be any more different

2. Hygiene Rituals Take one look in a womans purse, or for that matter, notice the fact that women need purses at all, and this one becomes all too clear. A mans bathroom sink might have a maximum of five items, including soap and a razor, whereas a womans bathroom will contain so many beauty products that the sink cannot possibly hold even a fraction of them. There will be a large cache under the sink, behind the mirror, and ringing the tub. The collection will be so immense, that a portion of it will permanently reside in the womans purse. Entire cabinets are usually added to the bathroom to hold more, as her collection expands, and all the while she will swear that each item is necessary. 3.Bedding Requirements A man can fall asleep anywhere, under any circumstances, and sleep well. Many men even prefer sleeping on the couch, as opposed to using the expensive mattress in the bedroom. In fact, many mens mattresses are unused unless he has a woman over to share it with him. Women feel the need for not only the softest mattress on the market, but extravagant and voluminous piles of pillows, pillow-tops, and pillowy comforters, each in groups and layers, covering the bed until it no longer presents any sort of usably flat surface to sleep upon. Men usually admit to finding these beds immediately comfortable, but report aching backs for the rest of their lives because of them.

4.Humor Men have the uncanny ability to find nearly anything humorous. Funny is funny, and whether the joke is appropriate or not doesnt matter to most guys. Women, on the other hand, take offense rather quickly if they feel a subject is taboo, and theyre pretty vocal about it. Any man whos ever worked in an office environment knows this all too well, and many have suffered repercussions from the nagging cubicle-neighbor that overheard the random off-color joke and went to HR about it. This same problem makes women hate most comedy movies guys count as their favorites. 5.Food When men go grocery shopping, they basically stock up on meat, and things that enhance meat, like bread, or cheese, or different types of meat for layering with bread and cheese. Men can be perfectly happy eating the same burger, sausage, or steak every night of the week. Women, on the other hand, would rather eat something that looks pretty than tastes like food. They make eating such an ordeal that it becomes a hassle to even bother, and this is partly the reason they are able to cope with eating so little. The compromise between these two views is always interesting as the kitchen-drama plays out in new relationships. 6.Aesthetics Colors, Decoration, Design We look at a blue swatch and call it what it is; blue. Women look at the same swatch and declare it to be periwinkle blue. They then proceed to harangue us for not knowing our basic colors. This same mentality spans the entire gamut of design and aesthetics on a daily basis. Men quickly give up on any notion that theyll be involved in decorating the house in any way, and find solace in the garage, where the distinct lack of any visually pleasing surfaces acts as a deterrent to most women on a home-makeover binge. 7.Fashion Jeans and a t-shirt the quintessential male uniform. The truly amazing thing about this robust combination of garments is the innate customizability. A man can create any number of combinations by simply changing his shirt. Women will require no less than three closets to hold their expansive wardrobes, and thats not including the separate shoe-racks that will hang from doors, and take space under the bed. Men will often compete to see who can actually wear the most relaxed outfit as a display of manly comfort, whereas women are in constant competition with each other over who can appear to be the most glamorous of the bunch. They will do this for no apparent reason. 8.Children and Animals To put it simply, women mollycoddle children and animals to a ridiculous extent. Kids are babied to the point that they arent allowed to get dirty, and dogs are ripped from their nobility and turned into dolls. Men, on the other hand, treat dogs as friends, cats as worthy adversaries,

and children as miniature humans who should be held accountable for their own actions. The difference between the two standpoints is staggering. 9.Automobiles and Driving The above footage shows, more or less, what every man is trying to say when he proclaims that women cannot drive. On top of that, every single part or piece of equipment on or about an automobile is known to women as a thingy. As for men, these things come a bit more naturally to them. 10.Technology Women, for the most part, seem to have a mental block when it comes to handling anything technological with any sort of finesse or intuition. Men will instinctively begin figuring out how equipment works, what it does, what it can do, and what its good for, whereas women tend to require instruction, from a man, who preferably wears a name tag. Most women will gladly pay money to a kid in a Geek Squad outfit just to plug three simple wires into the back of her television, even after her male friends explain to her that the wires and plugs are color-coded. 11.Emotions and Stress

Source The ways men and women handle stress are fundamentally different. Men generally handle bad situations by reacting in a proactive manner, feeling compelled to find a solution. Women almost

invariably have the well-known panic reaction. Proof of this can be had any of the 13 times a day that women can be found crying, inexplicably. 12.Memories, both Good and Bad Men have short memories. This sad fact routinely gets us in trouble as we forget the birthdays of our wives, mothers, sisters, even children. It also allows us to forgive and forget, bury the hatchet, and roll with the punches. Women remember everything, and they will never, ever let an issue die. You may forget what you did wrong, but a woman will remind you of it until the day you die. They will hold grudges, whether its with you, or their former bff, for years. 13.Communication

Source Men will communicate quickly and efficiently, with as little hassle as possible. If its easier to relay a message via third party, email, text message, or courier pigeon, then thats how a man will communicate. Women feel the need to spend roughly one third of their waking hours talking. Whether theyre talking on the phone, or in person, women just plain talk too much. When shes not busy yapping, shell be texting, or emailing, or both simultaneously. Men simply dont feel the need to spend so much time communicating what doesnt need to be expressed right away. 14.Punctuality and Time Sense

Source Men tend to be on time to planned events. They get to the theater early enough to get a good seat, and they get to the restaurant on time when invited out. Men dont like being late, because it makes them look like theyre not in control. Women behave the exact polar opposite theyre simply always late. They make it a point to be as late as possible, at all times, as though it were some sort of gauge for how much work they put into their appearance. 15.Multitasking and Focus

Source Women always harp on men for their supposed lack of multitasking prowess, when in reality its just that men arent as frivolous in their focus. Women insist on doing 47 things at once, without any consideration for the safety of themselves or others. They will constantly talk about how flustered they are, and how they narrowly averted disaster while not paying attention to their surroundings. Some women are just one diagnosis shy of being clinically ADHD, and some have even died due to their inability to focus on one single task.

Understanding The Difference Between Men And Women

By: Michael G. Conner, Psy.D, Clinical & Medical Psychologist

E-mail: Conner@OregonCounseling.Org Phone: 541 388-5660

[ This paper is collection of research conclusions and observations which I have witnessed over the past 5 year that I have attempted to put into a written form that might be helpful, but more importantly stimulate discussions. The real purposes is to increase the awareness between men and women, and to help them set aside issues that are not personal but are merely manifestations of nature. To my way of thinking, it is important to honor and rejoice in both our nature and our individuality.] For centuries, the differences between men and women were socially defined and distorted through a lens of sexism in which men assumed superiority over women and maintained it through domination. As the goal of equality between men and women now grows closer we are also losing our awareness of important differences. In some circles of society, politically correct thinking is obliterating important discussion as well as our awareness of the similarities and differences between men and women. The vision of equality between the sexes has narrowed the possibilities for discovery of what truly exists within a man and within a woman. The world is less interesting when everything is same. It is my position that men and women are equal but different. When I say equal, I mean that men and women have a right to equal opportunity and protection under the law. The fact that people in this country are assured these rights does not negate my observation that men and women are at least as different psychologically as they are physically. None of us would argue the fact that men and women are physically different. The physical differences are rather obvious and most of these can be seen and easily measured. Weight, shape, size and anatomy are not political opinions but rather tangible and easily measured. The physical differences between men and women provide functional advantages and have survival value. Men usually have greater upper body strength, build muscle easily, have thicker skin, bruise less easily and have a lower threshold of awareness of injuries to their extremities. Men are essentially built for physical confrontation and the use of force. Their joints are well suited for throwing objects. A mans skull is almost always thicker and stronger than a womens. The stereotype that men are more "thick-headed" than women is not far fetched. A mans "thick headedness", and other anatomical differences have been associated with a uniquely male attraction to high speed activities and reckless behavior that usually involve collisions with other males or automobiles. Men invented the game "chicken", not women. Men, and a number of other male species of animal seem to charge and crash into each other a great deal in their spare time. Women on the other hand have four times as many brain cells (neurons) connecting the right and left side of their brain. This latter finding provides physical evidence that supports the observation that men rely easily and more heavily on their left brain to

solve one problem one step at a time. Women have more efficient access to both sides of their brain and therefore greater use of their right brain. Women can focus on more than one problem at one time and frequently prefer to solve problems through multiple activities at a time. Nearly every parent has observed how young girls find the conversations of young boys "boring". Young boys express confusion and would rather play sports than participate actively in a conversation between 5 girls who are discussing as many as three subjects at once! The psychological differences between man and women are less obvious. They can be difficult to describe. Yet these differences can profoundly influence how we form and maintain relationships that can range from work and friendships to marriage and parenting. Recognizing, understanding, discussing as well as acting skillfully in light of the differences between men and women can be difficult. Our failure to recognize and appreciate these differences can become a life long source of disappointment, frustration, tension and eventually our downfall in a relationship. Not only can these differences destroy a promising relationship, but most people will grudgingly accept or learn to live with the consequences. Eventually they find some compromise or way to cope. Few people ever work past these difficulties. People tend to accept what they dont understand when they feel powerless to change it. Relationships between men and women are not impossible or necessarily difficult. Problems simply arise when we expect or assume the opposite sex should think, feel or act the way we do. Its not that men and women live in completely different realities. Rather, our lack of knowledge and mutual experience gives rise to our difficulties. Despite great strides in this country toward equality, modern society hasnt made relationships between men and women any easier. Todays society has taught us and has imposed on us the expectation that men and women should live together continuously, in communion, and in harmony. These expectations are not only unrealistic but ultimately they leave people feeling unloved, inadequate, cynical, apathetic or ashamed. The challenge facing men and women is to become aware of their identities, to accept their differences, and to live their lives fully and as skillfully as possible. To do this we must first understand in what ways we are different. We must avoid trying to change others to suit our needs. The following illustrates some important differences between men and women. These differences are not absolute. They describe how men and women are in most situations most of the time.

Problems
Men and women approach problems with similar goals but with different considerations. While men and women can solve problems equally well, their approach and their process are often quit different. For most women, sharing and discussing a problem

presents an opportunity to explore, deepen or strengthen the relationship with the person they are talking with. Woman are usually more concerned about how problems are solved than merely solving the problem itself. For women, solving a problem can profoundly impact whether they feel closer and less alone or whether they feel distant and less connected. The process of solving a problem can strengthen or weaken a relationship. Most men are less concerned and do not feel the same as women when solving a problem. Men approach problems in a very different manner than women. For most men, solving a problem presents an opportunity to demonstrate their competence, their strength of resolve, and their commitment to a relationship. How the problem is solved is not nearly as important as solving it effectively and in the best possible manner. Men have a tendency to dominate and to assume authority in a problem solving process. They set aside their feelings provided the dominance hierarchy was agreed upon in advance and respected. They are often distracted and do not attend well to the quality of the relationship while solving problems. Some of the more important differences can be illustrated by observing groups of young teenage boys and groups of young teenage girls when they attempt to find their way out of a maze. A group of boys generally establish a hierarchy or chain of command with a leader who emerges on his own or through demonstrations of ability and power. Boys explore the maze using scouts while remaining in distant proximity to each other. Groups of girls tend to explore the maze together as a group without establishing a clear or dominant leader. Relationships tends to be co-equal. Girls tend to elicit discussion and employ "collective intelligence" to the task of discovering a way out. Girls tend to work their way through the maze as a group. Boys tend to search and explore using structured links and a chain of command.

Thinking
While men and women can reach similar conclusions and make similar decisions, the process they use can be quit different and in some cases can lead to entirely different outcomes. In general, men and women consider and process information differently. Women tend to be intuitive global thinkers. They consider multiple sources of information within a process that can be described as simultaneous, global in perspective and will view elements in the task in terms of their interconnectedness. Women come to understand and consider problems all at once. They take a broad or "collective" perspective, and they view elements in a task as interconnected and interdependent. Women are prone to become overwhelmed with complexities that "exist", or may exist, and may have difficulty separating their personal experience from problems. Men tend to focus on one problem at a time or a limited number of problems at a time. They have an enhanced ability to separate themselves from problems and minimize the complexity that may exist. Men come to understand and consider problems one piece at

a time. They take a linear or sequential perspective, and view elements in a task as less interconnected and more independent. Men are prone to minimize and fail to appreciate subtleties that can be crucial to successful solutions. A male may work through a problem repeatedly, talking about the same thing over and over, rather than trying to address the the problem all at once. While there are differences in the ways that men and women think, it must be emphasized that they can and do solve problems in a similar manner. There are no absolutes, only tendencies.

Memory
Women have an enhanced ability to recall memories that have strong emotional components. They can also recall events or experiences that have similar emotions in common. Women are very adept at recalling information, events or experiences in which there is a common emotional theme. Men tend to recall events using strategies that rely on reconstructing the experience in terms of elements, tasks or activities that took place. Profound experiences that are associated with competition or physical activities are more easily recalled. There appears to be a structural and chemical basis for observed memory differences. For instance, the hippocampus, the area in the brain primarily responsible for memory, reacts differently to testosterone in men and it reacts differently to changing levels of estrogen and progesterone in women. Women tend to remember or be reminded of different "emotional memories" and content to some extent as part of their menstrual cycle.

Sensitivity
There is evidence to suggest that a great deal of the sensitivity that exists within men and women has a physiological basis. It has been observed that is many cases, women have an enhanced physical alarm response to danger or threat. Their autonomic and sympathetic systems have a lower threshold of arousal and greater reactivity than men. In both men and women, higher levels of testosterone directly affect the aggressive response and behavior centers of the brain. Increasing estrogen and progesterone in men has a "feminizing" effect. Sexually aggressive males become less focused on sexual aggressive behavior and content when they are given female hormones. On the other hand, changing estrogen and progesterone levels in women during menstrual cycles can produce a "flood" of memories as well as strong emotions. Increasing or high levels of testosterone can produce an emotional insensitivity, empathic block and increased indifference to the distress others. At the heart of sensitivity is our capacity to form, appreciate and maintain relationships that are rewarding. Even here there are important differences. For men, what demonstrates a solid relationship is quite different from that of most women. Men feel closer and validated through shared activities. Such activities include sports, competition, outdoor activities or sexual activities that are decidedly active and physical. While both men and women can appreciate and engage in these activities they often

have preferential differences. Women, on the other hand, feel closer and validated through communication, dialogue and intimate sharing of experience, emotional content and personal perspectives. Many men tend to find such sharing and involvement uncomfortable, if not, overwhelming.

The Task Of Relationship Facing Men and Women

The task that faces men and women is to learn to accept their differences, avoid taking their differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and to compromise whenever possible. The idea that one gender can think and feel like the other if they truly loved each is rather absurd. Sure, a man or women could act in consideration of the others needs, but this would not necessarily be rewarding and honest. Holding the benefit of another above our own is rewarding. But from time to time, and more often for most of us, it is important to be our self and to be accepted, and not to be the source of distress and disappointment in the lives of people we love.

The Role Of Counseling and Therapy

Counseling and therapy can help a couple understand and appreciate each other, and even benefit from their differences. Understanding these differences intellectually is not enough. A counselor or therapist can help point out these differences, as they surface, and guide a couple to a greater level of relationship. Understanding that differences are not intentional and that misunderstandings are merely the result of expectations that are not realistic can make a huge difference in a relationship. The differences that can be sensed between a man and women can deepen their relationship. More importantly, when men seek to understand and appreciate that which is feminine, they come to a deeper understanding of their self. And when a women seeks to understand that which is masculine in men, they come to appreciate and understand more about their own masculinity

4.The Causes of Divorce Family life today is under siege. Families are beset by divorce, a crisis in roles, absenteeism of parents, a breakdown of authority, preoccupation with things, inadequate time together, financial pressures, and a host of other problems

The Bible & 8 Basic Causes of Divorce

There are more than 30 million happy couples in America, more than 60 million people in the United States happily married. But oh, the tragedy of the other 25 per cent. Why do we have to have broken homes? Although there are many reasons, let's take a look at 8 of the most prominent causes of divorce. Identifying the major causes of divorce will prevent us from falling into these areas. The Bible says, "God hates divorce" (Mal.2:16).

The first is money:

The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. (I Timothy 6:10) Just two verses earlier, we also read, "Having food and raiment, let us be therewith content". Paul warns that uncontrolled desire for money will lead to a temptation, a snare and into many and foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition, and pierce themselves through with many sorrows. And then he warns, "Oh man of God, flee these things" I Timothy 6:11. Money is the number one cause of broken homes.

Second is alcohol:
There is a popular sign that reads: Alcohol Destroys Internally, Externally, and Eternally. Joan became a Christian believing she could lead her husband Joe, who was an alcoholic, and her daughter Julia to Christ. Joe did become a Christian within a few months and their daughter followed in their footsteps. But Joe didn't hold out. Within two years he was sentenced to the Penitentiary, and served 18 months. The preacher was the best friend they had, one in whom they could confide, and one who would not give up. Joe eventually re-dedicated his life to Christ. Julia graduated with honors from a private religious school, and is now engaged in a most successful career in social work. This is an actual story, of course the names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Third is sexual problems:

The sex pendulum is swung from one extreme to the other. We talk as freely of sex as we talk of politics. Improper attitudes about sex, and not physical causes, bring couples to the breaking point. Both those who regard sex as being acceptable outside of marriage, as well as those who think of sex as dirty and wrong within marriage, are equally guilty of maintaining attitudes which are destined to cause serious trouble to any family relationship.

Fourth is immaturity:
Married life is for adults, not for children. Immaturity is the fourth leading cause of broken homes. There is an age when we are not sure about anything. A toy may be ever so much fun one day, and discarded the next. Much of this same uncertainty goes with the person through adolescence with regard to marriage.

Fifth is jealousy:
One who demands exclusive devotion, and is intolerant of rivalry usually feels inadequate. If one finds himself caught in the clutches of this weakness, he needs to concentrate on selfimprovement.

Sixth is the "Hollywood myth":

It's based on the artificial and often unrealistic picture of love and life as depicted by many motion picture films. Two children were talking, one said to the other, "How do you like your

new daddy?". The other replied "fine". Whereupon the first said, "That's good, we had him last year". The kind of loose thinking which is the basis for such stories, is a prime ingredient in many needless cases of divorce.

Seventh is in-law's:
"Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife. And they shall be one flesh." These are God's words in Genesis Chapter 2, verse 24. Every couple should establish their own home away from parents. Should this not remove the interference then move so far away that contact with in-laws is limited. Problems will arise, differences will sometime seem impossible. But divorce is not the answer. Except in very rare cases.

Eighth is irresponsibility:
When a young man is irresponsible and unwilling to work before marriage, the chances are extremely good that he'll continue the same pattern of behavior after marriage. In the same way the young lady who has shown no sense of personal responsibility before marriage will likely also be unwilling to do her part in containing the home after marriage. If you're planning to marry such a person, with the expectation of changing him or her, it is very likely that you're in for a sad disappointment. Regardless of how sincerely one may promise to change after marriage, it is very unlikely that such a person will suddenly alter the habits of a lifetime. The best way to avoid divorce then, is by avoiding the situations that lead to it. (Read Matthew 19:9) This passage teaches ONLY one lawful reason for divorce and remarry. The other causes of divorce discussed are not valid and justifiable according to God. If anyone divorces for any other reason and marries another they would be living in adultery
ADULTERY A. DICTIONARY 1. Extramarital intercourse Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband (Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, Merriam-Webster Inc., Publishers, Springfield, MA, 1986). 2. Lust Unchastity of thought (ibid) B. OLD TESTAMENT 1. Extramarital intercourse 1 "You adulteress wife, who takes strangers instead of her husband!" (Ezek. 16:32). C. NEW TESTAMENT 1. Lust "Everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt. 5:28). 2. Extra-marital intercourse, as in the Old Testament, see B.l.

3. Marriage to another partner after divorce. "Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery" (Luke 16:18). "Whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery" (Matt. 5:32b). See Chapter SixA Second Marriage

II. THE SIN OF ADULTERY

A. SIN AGAINST YOUR OWN BODY Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body (1 Cor. 6:18). Immoral: porneuo - have illicit sexual intercourse, commit fornication or adultery B. SIN AGAINST YOUR MATE, YOUR ONE-FLESH PARTNER Because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband (1 Cor. 7:2-3). 2 Immoralities: porneia = illicit sexual intercourse, fornication, adultery "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery (Mark 10:11-12). C. SIN AGAINST ONE'S NEIGHBOR This is the will of God... that you abstain from sexual immorality... that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things (1 Thess. 4:3, 6). Immorality: porneia = illicit sexual intercourse, fornication,
adultery

D. A SIN THAT MAKES ANOTHER SIN "I have seen a horrible thing: the committing of adultery and walking in falsehood; and they strengthen the hands of evil doers, so that no one has turned back from his wickedness" (Jer. 23:14). If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or I have lurked at my neighbors doorway, may my wife grind for another, and let others kneel down over her, for that would be a lustful crime; moreover, it would be an iniquity punishable by judges" (Job 31:9-11). "But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the cause of unchastity, makes her commit adultery" (Matt. 5:32a). "Why have you have despised the word of the Lord by doing evil in His sight? You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword, have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the sons of Ammon.... You have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.... By this deed you have given occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme" (2 Sam. 12:9-10, 14). despised: bazab = to disesteem 3

E. SIN AGAINST GOD

Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the Lord" (2 Sam. 12:13). You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? (Jas. 4:4). Ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ (Jude 4). licentiousness: aselgeia = disregard of sexual restraints

deny: arneomai = to contradict, disavow, abrogate "I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me" (Ezek. 6:9)E SIN AGAINST GOD'S LAW "You shall not commit adultery" (Exod. 20:14). "You shall not covet your neighbors wife" (Exod. 20:17). Let the marriage bed be undefiled, for fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Heb. 13:4b). "You shall not wrong one another, but you shall fear your God, for I am the Lord your God" (Lev. 25:17). Whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all. For He who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said, "Do not commit murder." Now if you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a transgressor of the law (Jas. 2:10-11). Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness (1 John 3:4). 4 G. Is WITNESSED BY GOD "'They have acted foolishly in Israel, and have committed adultery with their neighbors' wives, and have spoken words in My name falsely, which I did not command them; and I am He who knows and am a witness,' declares the Lord (Jer. 29:23).

III. ADULTERY INVOLVES:

A. EVIL AND WICKEDNESS

My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake the teaching of your mother.... For the commandment is a lamp, and the teaching is light; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life to keep you from the evil woman and from the smooth tongue of the adulteress (Prov. 6:20, 23-24). For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness.... All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man (Mark 7:21-23). wickedness: poneria = hurtfulness, malice evil: poneros - hurtful, evil "As the proverb of the ancients says, 'Out of the wicked comes forth wickedness {1 Sam. 24:13). wicked: ra = bad, evil wickedness: rasha = a wrong, especially a moral wrong "Do we then hear about you that you have committed all this great evil by acting unfaithfully against our God by marrying foreign women?" (Neh.. 13:27). Foreign: nokriy = one who breaks wedlock, alien, non-relative women: ishshah = women, wives 5

B. ROBBERY
1. Of Conjugal Rights The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.... The immoral man sins against his own body (1 Cor. 7:4; 6:18). 2. Of Trust All of them adulterers, an assembly of treacherous men (Jer. 9:2b). treacherous: bagad = to cover, to act covertly, to cheat

C. FOOLISHNESS AND DECEPTION "They have acted foolishly in Israel, and have committed adultery with their neighbors' wives, and have spoken words in My name falsely, which I did not command them; and I am He who knows and am a witness, "declares the Lord (Jer. 29:23). "For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret but that it should come to light" (Mark 4:22). D. IDOLATRY No immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God (Eph. 5:5). E. BONDAGE "Every one who commits sin is the slave of sin" (John 8:34). Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or in obedience resulting in righteousness?.... For just as you presented your members as slaves to impurity and to 6 lawlessness, resulting in further lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness, resul

IV. THE THREE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN ADULTERY

A. THE ADULTERESS The lips of an adulteress drip honey, And smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, Her steps lay hold of Sheol. She does not ponder the path of life; Her ways are unstable, but she does not know it (Prov. 5:3-6). An adulteress hunts for the precious life (Prov. 6:26b). The adulteress flatters with her words; (She) leaves the companion of her youth, And forgets the covenant of her God; Her house sinks down to death, And her tracks lead to the dead (Prov. 2:16-18). One who is pleasing to God will escape from (the adulteress), but the sinner will be captured by her (Eccl. 7:26b). B. THE ADULTERER "The eye of the adulterer waits for the twilight, saying, 'No eye will see me'" (Job 24:15). Keep your way far from [the adulteress] And do not go near the door of her house Lest you give your vigor to others, 7 And your years to the cruel one; lest strangers be filled with your strength, and your hard-earned goods go to the house of an alien; and you groan at your latter end , when your flesh and your body are consumed; And you say, "How I have hated instruction! And my heart spurned reproof "And I have not listened to the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to my instructors! "I was almost in utter ruin In the midst of the assembly and congregation " For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress, and embrace the bosom of a

foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray (Prov. 5:8-14, 20-23). All of them are adulterers, An assembly of treacherous men. "And they bend their tongue like their bow; Lies and truth prevail in the land; For they proceed from evil to evil, And they do not know Me," declares the Lord (Jer. 9:2-3). C. THE MATE AGAINST WHOM THE ADULTERY IS COMMITTED Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, "Speak to the sons of Israel, and say to them, 'If any mans wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him, and a man has intercourse with her and it is hidden from the eyes of her husband and she is undetected, although she has defiled herself, and there is no witness against her and she has not been 8 caught in the act, if a spirit of jealousy comes over him and he is jealous of his wife when she has defiled herself... " (Num. 5:11-I4a). Remember, 0 Lord, what has befallen us; Look, and see our reproach! Our inheritance has been turned over to strangers, Our houses to aliens (Lam. 5:1-2). strangers: uwr = adultery, adulterers, strangers aliens: nokriy = foreigner, non-relatives "For the Lord has called you, Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, Even like a wife of one's youth when she is rejected," Says your God (Isa. 54:6). For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a man bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly... If when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God (1 Pet. 2:19,20b). Then the Lord said to [Hosea], "Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the sons of Israel, though they turn to other gods" (Hos. 3:1).

D. ADULTERY'S CONSEQUENCES
A. Adultery Diminishes One's Knowledge of God No one who sins has seen Him or knows Him (1 John 3:6). All of them are adulterers.... "And they do not know Me," declares the Lord... "Through deceit they refuse to know Me," declares the Lord (Jer. 9:2b, 3b, 6). By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, "I have come to know Him," 9 and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him (1 John 2:3-4a). keep: tereo = to guard from loss or injury, maintain B. ADULTERY AFFECTS ONE'S LOVE OF GOD "If 'you love Me, you will keep My commandments" (John 14:15). "He who has My commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves Me" (John 14:21). has: echo = to hold, possess keeps: tereo = to guard from loss or injury, keep an eye on

 "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word" (John 14:23). "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love" (John 15:10). For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome. For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the worldour faith (1 John 5:3-4). Whoever keeps [God's] word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected (1 John 2:5a). keeps: tereo = to guard from loss or injury, maintain C. ADULTERY IS ENERVATING Strangers devour his strength, yet he does not know it (Hos. 7:9). strangers: zuwr = adultery, adulterers, strangers [Adulterers] weary themselves committing iniquity (Jer. 9:5b). D. THE ADULTERER IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He 10 who would destroy himself does it (Prov. 6:32). "For what will a man be profited, if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? (Matt. 16:26a). "Behold, all souls are Mine.... The soul who sins will die (Ezek. 18:4). E. ADULTERY INVITES A CURSE ON SELF AND FAMILY Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord (Jer. 17:5). The mouth of an adulteress is a deep pit; He who is cursed of the Lord will fall into it (Prov. 22:14), "You shall therefore obey the Lord your God, and do His commandments and His statutes which L command you today.... Cursed is he who does not confirm the words of this law by doing them" (Deut. 27:10, 26). "L, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing loving-kindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments" (Exod. 20:5b-6). E ADULTERY'S CONSEQUENCES ARE WITHOUT PARTIALITY He who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality (Col. 3:25). "But everyone will die for his own iniquity" (Jer. 31:30). The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person. For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil (Eccl. 12:13-14). 11 G. ADULTERERS HAVE AN UNENVIABLE END While we were in the flesh, the sinful passions... were at work in the members of our body to bear fruit for death (Rom. 7:5). The present heavens and earth by His word are being reserved for fire, kept for the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men (2 Pet. 3:7). The wages of sin is death (Rom. 6:23).

VI. GOD'S RESPONSE TO ADULTERY

A. FOR THE REPENTANT SINNER WHO FORSAKES HIS/HER SINFUL WAYS: FORGIVENESS And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go your way. From now

on sin no more" (John 8:11). "Return, faithless Israel, " declares the Lord; "I will not look upon you in anger, for I am gracious," declares the Lord; "I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your iniquity, that you have transgressed against the Lord your God and have scattered your favors to the strangers under every green tree, and you have not obeyed My voice, " declares the Lord (Jer. 3:12-13). Strangers: zuwr - adultery, adulterers, strangers B. FOR THE UNREPENTANT ADULTERER 1. Invitation to God's Wrath The wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience (Eph. 5:6). This is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess 12 his own vessel in sanctification and honor... and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things (1 Thess. 4:3-4, 6). 2. Punishment Can a man take fire in his bosom And his clothes not be burned? Or can a man walk on hot coals And his feet not be scorched? So is one who goes in to his neighbors wife; Whoever touches her will not go unpunished (Prov. 6:27-29). "Why should I pardon you?.... [Your sons] committed adultery And trooped to the harlots house. They were well-fed lusty horses, Each one neighing after his neighbors wife. Shall I not punish these people?" declares the Lord (Jer. 5:7, 8, 9). Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness and truth... who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished" (Exod. 34:6-7). "If you forsake the Lord and serve foreign gods, then He will turn and do harm and consume you after He has done good to you (Josh. 24:20). 3. Judgment The Lord knows how to... keep the unrighteous under punishment for the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge the flesh in its corrupt desires and despise authority (2 Pet. 2:9-10a). Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage 13 bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Heb. 13:4). "Thus I shall judge you, like women who commit adultery or shed blood are judged" (Ezek. 16:38). "Then I will draw near to you for judgment; and I will be a swift witness... against the adulterers and against those who swear falsely... and do not fear Me," says the Lord of hosts (Mai. 3:5). 4. No Heavenly Inheritance Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers... shall inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9-10). Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity... and things like these, of which I forewarn you just as I

have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God (Gal. 5:19,21). immorality: moicheia = illicit sexual intercourse with the spouse of another, adultery impurity: porneia = illicit sexual intercourse, fornication, adultery "Not every one who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven; but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven (Matt. 7:21). And to whom did He swear that they should not enter His rest, but to those who were disobedient? (Heb. 3:18).

VII. OTHER PEOPLE AFFECTED BY ADULTERY

A. CHILDREN AFFECTED BY ADULTERY 1. Come Under a Curse "For I, the Lord, am a jealous God, visiting the sins of the fathers on the children, and on the third and the fourth generations of those 14 who hate Me, but showing loving-kindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments" (Deut. 5:9-10). 2. May Be Witnesses "Now behold, he has a son who has observed all his fathers sins which he committed, and observing does not do likewise. He does not... defile his neighbor's wife or oppress anyone... but executes My ordinances and walks in My statues; he will not die for his fathers iniquity, he will surely live" (Ezek. 18:14-17). 3. Are Loved by God "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these" (Mark 10:14). B. THOSE "WHO CARE FOR CHILDREN "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it is better for him that a heavy millstone be hung around his neck and that he be drowned in the depth of the sea" (Matt. 18:6). C. THE REST OF US 1. Those Who Hate the Sin of Adultery The fear of the Lord is to hate evil (Prov. 8:13a). Hate evil, you who love the Lord (Ps. 97:10a). Seek good and not evil that you may live; And thus may the Lord God of hosts be with you, just as you have said! Hate evil, love good, And establish justice in the gate! (Amos 5:l4-15a) 15 Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves (Rom. 14:22b). 2. Those Who Condone the Sin of Adultery "Should you help the wicked and love those who hate the Lord and so bring wrath on yourself from the Lord?" (2 Chron. 19:2). Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil! (Isa. 5:20). . To show partiality to the wicked is not good (Prov. 18:5). If you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors (Jas. 2:9). He who justifies the wicked, and he who condemns the righteous, Both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord (Prov. 17:15). "You disheartened the righteous with falsehood when I [the Lord God] did not cause him grief but have encouraged the wicked not to turn from his wicked way and preserve his life" (Ezek. 13:22).

D. HOW WE SHOULD RESPOND Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven" (Matt. 18:21). "Forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgression (Mark 11:25-26). Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men (Rom. 12:17). And we urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the 16 faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with all men. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all men (1 Thess. 5:14-15).

VIIL GOD RESPONDS TO THOSE AFFECTED BY ADULTERY

A. His PROMISES FOR ALL WHO ARE AFFLICTED AND OPPRESSED [The Lord] will have compassion on His afflicted (Isa. 49:13). "Thou dost save an afflicted people" (2 Sam. 22:28). The Lord performs righteous deeds, And judgments for all who are oppressed (Ps. 103:6). The Lord will deliver me from every evil deed, and will bring me safely to His heavenly kingdom; to Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen (2 Tim. 4:18). For thus says the high and exalted One Who lives forever, whose name is Holy, "I dwell on a high and holy place, and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit in order to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite" (Isa. 57:15). B. GOD HOLDS ACCOUNTABLE AS 'PARTAKERS' THOSE WHO CONDONE ADULTERY Do not let immorality or any impurity or greed even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure 17 person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them (Eph. 5:3-7). "For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass away from the Law until all is accomplished. Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments and so teaches others shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 5:18-19). But to the wicked God says, "What right have you to tell of My statutes, and to take My covenant in your mouth? For you hate discipline, and your cast My words behind you. When you see a thief, you are pleased with him,

and you associate with adulterers. You let your mouth loose in evil, and your tongue frames deceit.... These things you have done, and L kept silence; You thought that I was just like you; I will reprove you, and state the case in order before your eyes" (Ps. 50:16-19, 21).

IX. OUR RESPONSE TO THOSE AFFECTED BY ADULTERY

A. OUR RESPONSE TO THOSE COMMITTING ADULTERY 1. In General "When I say to the wicked, 'You shall surely die;' and you do not warn him or speak out to warn the wicked from his wicked way that he may live, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity, but his blood 18 / will require at your hand. Yet if you have warned the wicked, and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but you have delivered yourself" (Ezek. 3:18-19). "If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer" (Matt. 18:15-17). On the other hand 1 am filled with powerwith the Spirit of the Lordand with justice and courage to make known to Jacob his rebellious ac , even to Israel his sin (Micah 3:8). Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself lest you too be tempted (Gal. 6:1). To those who rebuke the wicked will be delight, and a good blessing will come upon them (Prov. 24:25). 2. More Specifically a. The Sin Should Be Named or Described Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act"

(John 8:4).
"You have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband" (John 4:18). b. There Should Be Neither Judgment Nor Condemnation "Did no one condemn you?.... Neither do I condemn you" (John 8:10, 11). 19 "Lf anyone hears My sayings and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world. He who rejects Me and does not receive My sayings has one who judges him; the word I spoke is what will judge him at the last day" (John 12:47-48). For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any twoedged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart (Heb. 4:12). c. The Person Should Be Sent Away With an Admonition Go your way. From now on sin no more (John 8:11). B. OUR RESPONSE TO THE OFFENDED MATE AGAINST WHOM

ADULTERY IS COMMITTED Ls anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praises. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him (Jas. 5:13-15). The Lord God has given me the tongue of disciples, that I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word (Isa. 50:4). C. OUR RESPONSE TO CHILDREN AFFECTED BY ADULTERY 1. Teach Them God's Law "Take to your heart all the words with which I am warning you today, which you shall command your sons to observe carefully, even all the words of this law" (Deut. 32:46).
THE

5.How to check if you are heading for divorce

When is professional help needed in marriage

The following problems are generally beyond the scope of marriage mentoring. Consider referring mentorees to a pastor or professional counselor for help when they exhibit symptoms such as the following: Persistent or Aggressive Anger: One or both spouses describing recurring bouts of anger evidenced by raised voice, yelling, or threats. Identification of certain sensitive or trigger issues that evoke anger, rage, or inappropriate behavior.

Abuse: Abuse can include not only physical, but emotional, sexual, or spiritual. Evidence of any type of abuse should be considered for referral. Examples of each are: Physical hitting, bruising, cutting, burning, throwing things, or injuring intentionally Emotional yelling, put downs, neglecting, withholding, constant negativity, or mental games Sexual forcing sex, requiring unwanted sexual actions, withholding sex, or any nonmutual sexual activity Spiritual distorted biblical interpretations (e.g. requiring the wife to submit inappropriately), extreme legalism, using scripture as justification for achieving selfish desires

Depression or Mood Difficulties: Feeling low is a normal part of almost everyone's life. However, the depressed person feels that way most of the time. Other symptoms include sleep disturbances, low energy, loss of appetite, poor concentration, and a feeling of hopelessness. A

clinically depressed person may not be able to benefit from marriage mentoring. They may need some medical attention and counseling before they are ready to take such a step.

Anxiety or Panic: People who experience panic attacks report symptoms such as shortness of breath and a rapid, pounding pulse. These people need to be referred for counseling, especially if the panic seems to be triggered by the spouse or even the mentoring experience.

Sexual Dysfunction: Every couple encounters sexual adjustments as they explore and develop their own healthy patterns of sexual activity. However, sexual dysfunction may be experienced if the couple is not engaging in routine sexual intercourse. This could be due to emotional and/or physiological reasons. Also, if pornography use is discovered consider referring the couple for counseling.

Psychotic Behaviors: If someone develops behavior which seems extremely inappropriate or out of touch with reality, a psychiatric referral may be necessary. Symptoms might include auditory, visual or other hallucinations ('hearing voices' is common), delusions, and disorganized thought processes.

6.The Process of Divorce 7.The Journey 8.The Reality of Divorce 9.Life after divorce 10.There is Hope

FACE TO FACE WITH DIVORCE When people marry, they expect that their marriage bond will last forever. Suddenly, after ignoring flashing red lights, the unexpected happens, the marriage bond is ripped apart through divorce and both partners as though hit by a tornado, experience a devastating and wrenching experience, a trauma they have to live with for the rest of their lives. Moving towards Divorce

My wife and I started to fight over many petty things. Everyday it was a new thing, we were fighting about how she was looking at me, about banging the door, about bringing up children, about money, about friends and eventually we fought about everything, fights became the lifestyle and we allowed all sorts of demons to enter into our lives. We never knew what the problem was but we continued to fight. Eventually there was a communication breakdown and we threw tempers and hurt each other with words and action. We were both trying to change each other. She was trying to make me to be like her, and I was trying to make her look alike of me. We moved from one counseling session to another but our hearts were hard to listen. We stopped looking to God and prayer for direction and we rebelled against the word of God and we chose to do things our way and did not want to listen to the men of God who were reconciling the marriage. Finally we ended up at the divorce court and we had our way and not Gods way. We divorced. A close look at divorce Divorce and re-marriage is a subject that brings a lot of discomfort to peoples with a troubled marriage or those who are divorced. For them at the mention of the name marriage, a mixed reaction is triggered but prominently featuring is the feeling of guilt, condemnation and mistrust of any member of the opposite sex. The word, divorce is taken from the Greek word APOSTASION, which means a defection to stand off from, to separate yourself. A soldier who runs away from a war is called a defector. Marriage is a war, if you have made a commitment to become a solder, you do not resign and say you want to be an ordinary citizen. A soldier who runs away from the war is a defector and one who stays and even dies in the war becomes a hero. God made marriage to last, Matt 19:6. .Therefore what God had joined together, let man not separate. Scriptures about divorce 1. God hates divorce Malachi 2:16 For the Lord the God of Israel saith that He hateth putting away: for one covert Vilene with his garment saith the Lord of host: therefore take heed to your spirit that ye deal not treacherously. 1 Cor. 7:10 And unto the married I command, and yet not I, but the Lord. Let not the wife depart from her husband. 2. God encourages reconciliation: 1 Cor. 7:11

But if she departs, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. 3. Any justifiable reason for granting a divorce 1 Cor. 7: 12-16 But to the rest speak I, and not the Lord: if any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with, let him not put her away. An Unbelieving partner is no justification for a divorce. The only reason for divorce should be fornication: Matt. 19:9 And I say unto you whosoever shall put away his wife, expect it be for fornication, and shall marry another commiteth adultery and whoso marryieth her which is put way doth commit adultery. Matt. 5:32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress. Luke 16:18 4. Divorce is caused by hard hearts of the partners Matt. 19:3-9 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Havent you read, he asked, that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Why than, they asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness and marries another woman commits adultery. The disciples said to him if this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry. 5. Fate of a woman divorcing husband:- Mark 10:12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery. Scriptures put it quite clearly that there is no scriptural justification of a divorce except were there was unfaithfulness. Christians who have violated the word of GOD need to repent and ask for forgiveness Divorce in the Old Testament Duet if a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, the procedure that was followed was that the man ahs to write her a letter of divorcement or certificate of

divorce, give it to her and send her away with goods, money etc. if the woman lives the house and becomes married to another husband and that husband either dies or divorce her, the original husband is not allowed to marry her again for she is defiled Malachi 2:15 The Lord honours the marriage covenant and makes man and wife to be one in spirit and in flesh. If people divorce, they break the unity that God had put in them. God warns us to guard and protect our spiritual life by not divorcing with the wife of our youth. Divorce leads to spiritual degeneration and opens up demonic forces around a persons life. God finally says He hates divorce or putting away! Men were leaving their wives not because of adultery but because of the faults they found in them and for many other reasons, every little thing that they did not like about her, for every cause. This is what God says He hates. This is what Moses called the hardness of the heart in Matt19:8. Jesus continues to say it was never Gods plan to accommodate divorce; God planned marriage to be permanent and not a temporary. Divorce in the New Testament Matt 19& 1 Cor 7 Here we fin two scriptures that seem to be in conflict, it looks like Paul in 1 Cor 7 is contradicting what Jesus said in Matt 9. The situation needs to be clearly understood, Jesus is interpreting the law of Moses concerning marriage, divorce and remarriage to His disciples. On the other hand Paul was teaching the church how to apply the law of love concerning marriage, divorce and remarriage in the church. The most important thing that we need to know is that the Holy Spirit will talk to us in His small voice to give us direction on what to do. We need to understand that the problem of man is that we want to listen to our hearts and we are controlled by our heads and these fails us, we need to listen to the Holy Spirit and submit fully to the fear of the Lord, and the obedience of the Holy Spirit. Re-Marriage and Divorce in the Bible Divorce is a plague in the society.Closing our eyes and wishing it will go away isnt going to work.Nor is just shouting and screaming against it. Divorce is ocuring, even in homes where both partners are Christians.Often in spite of good counsel,prayer .

Writting about marriage is fun and pleasurable, but writng about divorce is a pain. Divorce still occurs, Now ,more than ever.Often against the desire of one of the partners.Often in spite of assistance,effort,and much prayer by the church , family and friends.Often between two cchristians, yes, often.And always where biblical principles were unknown, ignored, or openly violated.yes,divorce happens.Its a fact we may hate but one cannot deny it. The controversy of Divorce Because of its controversial nature, I dont believe it will be easy for a group of Theologians to unanimously be in agreement on the subject of Divorce and remarriage. It is therefore very clear that whatever I may conclude, I am confident taht some very reliable, competent, and equally sincere people will disagree with me. But nevertheless, I came up boldly to address the issue. My honest and sincere prayer is that someone might read what I have written and misinterprete what I am saying.Disagreement is one thing; misinterpretation is another.

1.Divorce was nevr inteneded to be in Gods plan; matt 19;8 Because of your hardness of heart, moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way Gods plan in Genesis is clear-one man(Adam) with one wife( Eve) joined together in a permanent union(marriage) throughout life.But sin came in and Moses compromised by giving a certificate of divorce because of stubbornness,rebellion and sinful nature of man- hence Jesus called it hardness of heart.It was never Gods design for marriage but sin corrupted the plan.Because of the harsh presence and consequensec of sin,divorce was permitted.

Are ther any biblical grounds for remarriage? 1.When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation.-Read 2 Corinthians 5:17 2.When ones mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marraiage partner.(Matt 19:9)

3.When one of the mates is an unbeliever and wilfully and permanently deserts the believing partner-(Read 1Corinthians 7: 12-15)- She or he is not forced out but wilfully deserts,walks out,refuses to stay,chooses to leave. 1Corinthians 7:39 A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married.... This verse states that death frees us from the bondage of marriage, allowing the freedom of remarriage.

Conclusion Where God permits divorce and remarriage, humbly let us accept it without fear or guilt.Let us not call unclean what He now calls clean.

GOING THROUGH EMOTIONS Divorce is one of the most stressful situations a person can undergo. It is a process you have to go through to redefine your life. You go through a lot of emotional mood swings but eventually you gain a new sense of self and discover a resilience you never knew you had before. And eventually you will be able to begin healing form the painful wounds of divorce. During the time of divorce your problem seems to be all-consuming. You perhaps feel completely overwhelmed by life. Everything you see or hear reminds you of the break up of your marriage. Songs on the radio, people walking hand in hand, TV movie and commercials. Suddenly places that you were visiting frequently, cause you pain. Hatred and blame for yourself and others and even God is very common. This is the blame syndrome. Dealing with the reality of Divorce. Once you realize that, divorce is really happening to me and not just a dream. You will most likely be shocked. Some people prolong this stage by clinging to false hopes that they and their spouse will get back together again (denial), things will work out, there will be a happy ending. Try to look realistically at your situation as it is happening! It is over! Acknowledge that the marriage has failed. Admit to yourself that you are divorced. Take responsibility for your life as it is right now.

The grieving process Regardless of the circumstances of your divorce, who instigated it, how inevitable it was you have lost something very important, and you need to grieve. Blaming one another wont help, denying or suppressing feelings of sorrow and pain will only prolong the process of healing and recovery. Avoid negative mourning which occurs when you accord self-pity or blame, where everything was either your fault or someone elses. This negative mourning is often fed by well meaning friends and relatives who surround you at that time. They usually try to justify your divorce and blame the other partner to try to win your love, they are full of I am so sorry! this type of situation prolongs the grief process and can lead to depression. Dont try to stop the pain, allow the excruciating pain to take its toll not matter the scars it bears. At the end of the grieving process, you will feel better and unburdened. Adjusting to a new life. Divorce changes your life partner completely. You find yourself having to adjust to either a completely new life of sources or failure. You become concerned with many things and your life is full of anxiety and fear of the unknown. You think of things like moving to another place, finding new employment, living at a reduced income or a lower standard of life, making arrangements of taking care of additional household responsibilities. Allow time to heal you, live one day at a time and let the adjustments be gentle and gradual not hasty. Sit down and face your fears and draw out a strategy or plan of how you are to live your new life. Remember its not the end of your life, but this is a beginning of a new journey. You can grow through divorce. Allow yourself time to re-examine yourself (introspection) find out what your pitfalls were and dont rush into any decisions like a new marriage. You are still emotional and not ready for such a decision that will have long term effects over your life. Turn to God The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in the spirit. Ps 34:18. Allow God to touch and heal you. Remember divorce attacks your soul. Ask God to become the source of your inner strength and comfort. Remember He loves you and understands you more than you ever loved anyone. Turn to him often as a companion, not asking questions like Why did this happen to me? but instead ask questions like How can this situation better? only God can help you heal with inner hidden emotions like bitterness you might feel toward your former spouse. The revenge factor (Ill get him back for what he did to me- he will never see the children again.) such emotions are negative

thought process the delay the recovery process. Divorce becomes a never ending battle because you deal with the hatred of other people you implicate as being the cause of the marriage breakdown and you begin to hate them. While you may be incapable of forgiving your former spouse, God can help you accomplish this in you in His own special way. Remember only God knows how to mend a broken heart!!! Dont listen to people who judge you, reject you, and speak about you out of ignorance. Look to God who will restore your faith in a loving manner and God will always sustain you. Ask for forgiveness to your partner for the negative role, forgive those who became part of the problem. Pray for Gods miraculous intervention. Make new friends Often when couples get divorced, the whole network of friendship you and your wife knew gets affected. You suddenly find yourself cut off from friends and relatives who were so close to you because some of them were being influenced negatively against you. True friends who can listen without taking sides or giving advice are God sent. Usually friends, people, church groups are involved in the muddle and this creates a lot of ill feelings and animosity Make new friends. Get on with your life, be happy associate with healthy people who know how to let the past die and live and grow in the present. Spend more time reaching out to others who need to be helped. If you feel you need to professional help, go to a counselor who can help to give insight about your situation. Look after your health. Usually when people go through a divorce they become fully consumed with emotional trauma and this also affects their mind, body and social life. Engage into physical activities by either joining a keep fit gym or take regular walk or exercise. Physical activities of at least 30 40 minutes will help regularizing your sleep and appetite as well as your emotional outlook. Eat well or take food supplements and take lots of fluids and rest well. Do not cut off communication with your children. Sometimes your former spouse can make things very difficult for you to make contact with your children. Each contact with your former spouse causes the relationship to die all over again. Avoid emotional boxing bouts! It is essential nevertheless despite all the difficulties to maintain cooperative relationship with your children. Explain that you can no longer get along with the other parent, but you are not divorcing them. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. Be aware that your children too will be grieving, and dont hesitate to seek counseling for them too if

they need it; Understand that divorce has a devastating effect on the children too. Work out specifics of custody and visitation before the divorce. Parents should take a joint responsibility on disciplining the children and one parent should not criticize the other parent in front of the children. Try to settle most of the issues through talks rather than lawyers. Let the wound heal with time. Divorce does not end in the court room, but recovery is a process that needs you to take one step at a time. Take as much time as you need to come to a peaceful resolution about the divorce. No matter how lonely or guilty you feel now, accept the fact that you have to start anew. Time will heal all the wounds, take one step at a time, learn to love and forgive yourself. Close this door of pain and move on with your life. Remember the past is gone and can not be undone. Make a new beginning. The sad truth about divorce. John R Rice in his book Divorce, the wreck of marriage, states the following:it is rare, if ever, that a marriage fails when one party did all that he or she ought to have done to keep their marriage intact and to make the home happy and successful Every divorced person has a share of failing to prove themselves adequate to hold the respect and love and loyalty of a mate. They have failed to that solemn vow until death do us part one lives with a stigma that those who have had a divorce are likely to have another. One who is divorced ought to realize, and anyone who thinks of marrying a divorced person ought to realize that one who has failed once in a marriage relationship is either a poor risk or a matured investment. A divorced person should be double slow to marry, only after prayer, firm resolution and perhaps repentance, should a divorcee person enter into marriage. There is no such thing as having a divorce and not feeling some stigma attached to it. In many cases one would be much happier to remain single and find Gods blessings wonderfully adequate to fill the heart and mind with love and joy and service without entering again the bonds or marriage wherein one had once suffered failure and shame. But if your flesh burns you marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Those who marry the second time should not break the marriage. The causes of divorce in the 21st Century 1. Human Rights versus the Word of God. The Greeks are pioneers of western democracy that advocates for the recognition of human rights, the concept was Christianized and incooperated by the west. This emphasis on individualism promotes selfishness rather than African spirit of Ubuntu respect for other people and putting them first before your own interests. The recent marriage act

2.

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of South Africa defines the status of both parties as equal, hence this is a serious violation of the Word of God and has led to confusion in the families and decision making and roles. (Ephesians 5:22-24) states that The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. Contrary to the bible, the Marriage act says Equal rights equality at home- - this offsets Gods plan of marriage to mankind that is why there are so many divorces. The rights of children has caused parents to fight about parenting styles Gender equality and woman empowerment has led to a lot of men to be unemployed, hence a number of men have surrendered the headship of the family to women contrary to Gen 2:16 ( A man is to rule over a woman) Abuse of domestic violence act. Because of some very violent men who are irresponsible, who beat up their wives and children mercilessly, the government came up with the domestic violence act which was meant to protect family from abuse. This has led to women abusing this act to take over authority at home and frustrate the husbands. Instead of creating peace some families have declared on going war. The misuse of democracy leads to divorce. Lack of good role models A new role model of an executive woman who is independent, self supporting has become a new role model of success to many women. Women who are independent of their husbands, are perceived to be out dated and off tune. Families that are good role models are very few and long lasting marriages are no longer celebrated. The self comes first lifestyle promotes selfishness and greed and this often leads to divorce. Acceptance of divorce by the church In the past the church used to adopt a hardline stance on divorced people today the Monogamus charismatic marriages are increasing in the rate of divorce. Some compromising theologians and weak leaders even justify divorce. In the African community where marriages to more than one wife are practiced, divorce has no place. Even our African traditional churches (having millions of members); that are practicing marriage to more the one woman, divorce is unheard of even if the charismatic church criticize them. The keep on marrying we keep on divorcing and yet God says He hates divorce, we keep on remarrying yet God says he who remarries when the cause was not adultery, causes the woman to be an adulterous. I do not justify marriage to more than one wife, nor do I promote polygamous marriages, but I have developed a better understanding and respect of the practice because it does not lead to breaking up of families. Sex Unfaithfulness in marriage by having extramarital affairs causes men to divorce their wives for new lovers. Sexual immorality through the internet, pornographic videos and magazines have contributed a lot t destroying marriages Money

The love of money and expensive lifestyles leading to debt has caused many homes to break-up. People are controlled by competition and they live beyond what they earn. Retaliation in divorce When couples reach the final stages of marriage breakdown, their marriage relationship begins to become very unstable, their marriage reaches the hoolla hoop stage- they struggle to change each other, there are mood swings variability (sometimes very happy, sometimes very discourse with each other), finally disappointment and discouragement begin to dominate the relationship. The marriage is now viewed with despair and resentment, and bitterness begin to take their toll. Heightened emotionally leading to heated arguments and hurling insults to each other. The man loses interests and begin to pour out his life either to his profession or other women or things outside the home. The woman pours out her life into the children and do anything possible to influence them and draw them to her side, she may also seek social identity and become involved with friends and community ventures outside home. Their hearts are finally so hardened that no amount of negotiation and persuasion works. Discouragement, hopelessness finally paralyses them as they realize that their future is unknown, they react with hostility and discouragement. They begin to be physically and emotionally separated from each other and the relationship dies. Retaliation in the form of slander, sexual denial, bad talk, emotional and physical reaction, fight over children, fight over money and property and victimization of parties, and relatives who seem to be taking the side of other party. Consequences of divorce retaliation Parties break the communication channels, this delays the healing process and intensifies the root of bitterness and rejection, if this is not resolved, it can lead to witchcraft and physical violence. Children suffer a lot of confusion and uncertainty and have not role models to look to. Even though men may be successful, but they suffer lack of love and sense of pride and support from their family. Women may spend a lot of money on their outward appearance to try to attract love and appreciation from other men and also to instill jealousy on their former spouse. The families of the divorced couples worry about the next generation of their children and have great fear of marriage, fearing that their childrens marriages will also be broken. When couples retaliate through Lawyers Divorce causes financial debts especially when partners fight over property. The cost engaging lawyers to resolve the dispute results in the process going through emotional legal wrangles for a long time and money which could have been spend on other things is given to lawyers.

Retaliation also leads to character assassination of the other partner and this opens doors for all types of demonic spirits to enter into a persons life. This eventually causes extreme hatred and bitterness against the parties and can lead to death of loss of friends and close associates. THE TRAUMA OF DIVORCE The Oxford dictionary defines anything that causes profound emotional shock as a trauma. Divorce causes the parties to go through a traumatic experience in that the parties begin to go through the following emotions: (i) Feeling of rejection they feel the pain, anguish and condemnation that has been placed upon their lives as a result of divorce. They are treated as failures by those that use to admire them and this makes them live a life of isolation or hibernation. They avoid meeting people in social occasions lest an enquiry be made about their partners or family life. They are judged condemned and isolated by the church and those who are still happy in their Christian walk and marital relationship. (ii) The break of relationship - with friends and relatives leaves a divorced person with hurt and bitterness. They become affected in the soul, in their mind, will and emotions. (iii) Heightened emotionality - A divorced person experiences mood swings and becomes a ball of emotions. If there is no support service in the form of prayer, counseling or therapy or support groups, acute depression and death or insanity can be experienced. Emotionality comes from the fact that you were emotionally dependant on someone and there were soul ties and all has collapsed. The dependency was not only emotionally but also physically. Now all of a sudden, like two things that break apart, the wound of hurt and pain bleeds and needs a lot of healing. Only the blood of Jesus can heal you. A divorced person needs to become fully active in the things of God, this helps to help you activate the healing process. (iv) Broken vows and promises - A divorced persons feels guilty that he or she has let down God by breaking promises they made in public (Eccl. 5:4 & 5). The feeling of shame, low-esteem and being sinful makes them feel a spiritual vacuum which can only be filled love and forgiveness and support they can receive from the church and their families. (v) Separation causes scars and wounds that take time to heal A good relationship that has failed makes the partner feel forsaken by a good friend, you feel a good part of you is gone. They begin to blame the other party, and anyone they find for the cause of the divorce. The blame syndrome delays the healing process and wounds that have been healing

begin to bleed again. Your soul is affected, heart is broken, your spirit is crushed and your soul in painful (Prov. 15:13.)

THE TRAUMA OF DIVORCE CAN MANIFEST IN STAGES THE SHOCK STAGE Trauma has to do with an unexpected event that goes with loss or an experience that causes pain. The individual reacts with Shock and disbelief at what is happening. The tragic experience causes unbearable pain which causes the victim to react. At first the reaction is that of denial or disbelief, like it is not happening, it is just a video that the individual is watching, its like a dream, its not happening to him/her. They try to suppress or hide their emotions and try to play strong. When asked how they feel they will react like: I am fine! I am ok. They do not want the public to know what pain they feel inside, it is their own secret. THE EMOTIONAL ANXIETY STAGE The trauma victim faces the reality of the trauma and begins to react with a variety of emotions like anger, sickness or body pain, mood swings, blame of oneself or other people and even blaming God. Feelings of failure and discouragement, lack of sleep and bad dreams are part of the emotional reaction.

DEPRESSION The victim wants to mourn or grief the loss or tragedy and this causes them to withdraw into a shell or isolation. They want to be all by themselves and enjoy very little company of others. They are very sensitive and are easily hurt and are irritable. They suffer deep grief and cry a lot hoping that the whole process will be reversed. They lose interest in life and it is at this stage that they commit suicide. They shut off and life comes to a standstill. They are unable to make decisions and are very vulnerable and need the help and support of others to go over this place. They are very fragile and should be handled with care. The stages are to be allowed to take their normal pace; the process of recovery will differ according to the severity of the trauma. LIFE AFTER A DIVORCE The judge does not tell you about life after divorce. In many cases people shout hurrah! I am free after the judge or Magistrate grants the decree of divorce. The reality and fact of life is that your life, your title, your status will never be the same again. You live with feelings of being a failure in life this makes you to withdraw from active participation in life activities as well as withdrawal into a shell of isolation. Divorced people sometimes replace pain with people, they want to surround themselves with sympathizers, they seek friends who are in the same situation and even go into a new relationship. The pain is not gone yet, they just do things to prove a point. Very few people sit down to do soul searching and accept the role they placed in the destruction of the marital relationship. It is important for people to realize that trying to win the favour of people by talking negatively about your partner does not pay. Except in exceptional cases it always takes two to tango. Pride makes one partner to take advantage of one weak-point of the partner and link it to be the cause of the divorce and this is a fallacy. Instead of fastly moving into a new relationship, sit down and search what your contribution was towards the failed relationship. If is it possible live peaceably with everyone try to keep your former partner as a friend and not an enemy. Remember you did have good and romantic times together, you just cannot overlook that and pretend like you were married to a monster. This person caused you sleepless nights or her contribution. Fix and remove obstacles to communication, open the door of communication but define the boundaries. Visit the children, you have not divorced them and you are still their parents even if your partner has influenced them against you, leave an open door for them to come in at their own time, they must not find the door closed.

Do not fight over property, try to be reasonable and share things, problems usually arise when selfishness tempts others to take all and have it all in order to punish and the other partner and strip them of their livelihood. This can lead to violence, enmity, witchcraft and even death. Some partners lose all and even have no place of residence and have to go back to their energy on the job and become workaholics. Fighting produces casualties.

FINDING HELP AFTER DIVORCE Divorce is a life shock and can hide itself in your subconscious for years when you think its over and it can affect your decision making ability, your future relationships, your job performance and also how you react to future similar occurrences. You have to deal with the life shock and treat and remove all negative mind talks or destructive thought patterns. What is a life shock? It is an unexpected incident that happens in your life at an unexpected time and affects you in a variety of ways. Life shocks remain in the subconscious (mind) but show (manifest) in behavior that is strange, emotional, and can be either uncontrollable or unacceptable and even questionable. They control your volition/will (decision making power). They are activated by certain stimuli/events/episodes that happen in our daily lives. They led to strange behavior manifestation like seclusion, rejection, isolation, mood swings, being over demanding, seeking love and security, talkativeness, seeking publicity and attention at the expense of others (riding over others), defensiveness/blame/gossip/lying/hatred or bitterness of others. Escapism it always make you to search for somebody to blameancestors, your parents, apartheid, your boss, your partner etc. WHAT TO DO!!! 1. Identify/list the life shocks-date and event in details-trace the feelings that affected you. 2. Listen to the mind talk-little voices talking to you. What does the mind talk say to you what thought patterns does it bring to you? How does it affect your thinking and lifestyle? 3. Verify the mind talk by analyzing and placing into three categories: True Not sure False/not true 4. Take action/act on your situation-repent/forgive yourself/what lesson did you learn from this? 5. Continue with your life normally. *Find something that you can do very well and do it.

*Find someone to help and help them. 6. Pray and rebuke any future similar negative thoughts-read positive scriptures and confess them over your life. 7. Surround yourself with people of positive influence who have confidence in you and who are both resourceful and empowering to you. 8. Live a peaceful and holy life dedicating yourself to God and acknowledge Him as your lover. A CAUTION TO THE CHURCH The divorce rate amongst the Christian marriage has recently skyrocketed. The divorce rate among Christian charismatics was shocking equaling that of non-Christians. The statistics of American Evangelical marriage that ended in divorce shot up to 50 percent. This should come as a wake up call to even Christians in Africa. These are divorces that are not the fault of one of the parties. Therefore, I do not want to judge any divorced person if I do not know the facts from both sides. Every marriage today is subject to temptations and stress that were extremely uncommon just a generation ago. Even so, every divorce among Christians must be viewed as a failure by the church. Judgement by the Church One commonly observes the cynicism and constant attacks upon pastors or Christian leaders when they are faced with divorce. It is true that Christian leaders are expected to hold on to higher standards. However, we must also understand that leaders are bigger targets because the enemy knows very well that if he can strike the shepherd, the sheep will be scattered. Which of us has not been repeatedly forgiven by the Lord? How is the world ever going to believe our message of forgiveness and redemption if we do not practice it in the church? The terrible trend of broken marriages must start with the church forgiving, lest they be also guilty of judging others and then bring the curse upon their own lives. The church must repent from unrighteous judgements made towards great men of God, who are caught by the web of divorce. Pastors who are still happy and standing in their marriages must stop condemning and judging those who have problems and instead they must earnestly pray for them, restore them and embrace them. Some preachers and local church leaders take advantage of family disputes to ursurp opportunities to take over leadership and ordain themselves as leaders, some preachers who are hungry for a pulpit see an opportunity to preach, disregarding the fact that there is division in the church, it is very unwise for a preacher to accept a speaking invitation in a church where there is conflict between husband and wife, you already become part of the problem and you are taking sides. Some just side with the other party without hearing both sides of the story. Some people who are in a position to protect the office of the pastor and the house of God, just become spectators and allow the situation to deteriorate, they are equally guilty for being inefficient. Let us especially ask the Lord for the grace and wisdom to

minister to those who are divorced. The church must embrace, restore and forgive those who have been wounded by divorce.

THE POWER OF RECONCILIATION During the time of our divorce both of us suffered spiritually and physically. We faced a lot of difficult challenges and the peace and freedom that we thought we would get was never there. We continued to live a life of guilt, self-blame, condemning others and this eventually caused bitterness in our lives, yet we were Christians. We never enjoyed the joy of salvation and we began to reap what we planted. The seed that we had planted began to show differently in our children who became rebellious and in our church members who also started to initiate divorce proceedings. We became bad role models. There were certain scriptures that we wished were never written in the bible or rather be rephrased. The word of God hit hard on us and God forgave our sins but punished us for our disobedience we had to serve our sentence. We had learned that as spiritual leaders, our leadership must be based on the fear of God and not on our personal ambition. God encourages reconciliation: 1 Cor. 7:11 But if she depart, let her remain unmarried or reconciled to her husband put away his wife. The Miracle of Reconciliation God worked miraculously in our life, I was seriously ill and never understood what was happening. God created a situation that we should be reconciled. It was not easy to listen to the voice of God, but I am glad we did. Our reconciliation caused joy to our children at home and they were so overwhelmed with extreme delight, but the enemy blinded the body of Christ, some opportunists in the church got a chance to start their own kingdom, influenced the congregation negatively behind closed doors and they left us. They cursed us and vowed that we shall starve and the church shall be closed down and we shall be forced to move out of the community. The few members that were left were labeled, traumatized and harassed and told that they were living under a curse. Half of those who remained left as well. Pastors who I thought were friends of our ministry saw an opportunity to recruit members from our church by saying that the reconciliation wont work and it is a big risk. Our members were confused and we were paralysed, but we prayed like never before. Our finances were in shambles as people bragged that bit tithers had gone with their moneys, but God began to look after us like he cares for the birds and the flowers. We never starved instead God showed us that He is our provider and not man. God started to bring in new people and the church is growing again with people who really love us, appreciate us, and who see the miracle of God in our live. Recently God is not only bringing couples who need counseling but He is bringing those who have been divorced who want to be reconciled with the wives other youth. To date we have helped two couples to reconcile, one divorced for seven years and another for two years. Many are approaching

us for help and God has called us to assist families who are under attack. Our marriage is completely healed by the grace of God, our children are more close to us now than they were before. The couples in the church have cancelled their divorce proceedings and have come to us to say they are making up because our decision to reconcile has challenged them. God is gradually healing our finances and we are now madly in love with each other. We are now communicating freely even with very sensitive issues. My wife has become my sole partner, we have stopped trying to change each other but we now enjoy each other and we are forever thankful to God to bringing us together again. We really support each other and we take our marriage as a top priority to God. We are renewing our marriage vows as a token of sealing our marriage. This is a miracle of God and no one can undermine it. If it happened to us and to others, it can also happen to you. Humble yourself, put aside your pride, be bold and ask God for your miracle!!! STEPS TOWARDS RESTORING MARRIAGE AFTER A CONFLICT 1. Survey the cause of the marital breakdown by finding out the root cause and deal with the root and not only the fruit. 2. Avoid the blame syndrome. Stop blaming your partner for what they have done, but take account of your own role and admit your faults one to another. Confess all your faults and be as sincere as possible. Remember it takes two to make or brake marriage. 3. Show remorse and repent from your wrong doing, this means abandoning the past activities that caused conflict in marriage. 4. Seek to find solutions in reconciling the marriage than finding problems. This will help speed up unity and peace. 5. Exercise patience, reconciliation is not instant but it is a process and it will improve with time, allow mistakes and help and support each other on your way to recovery. 6. Release total forgiveness to your partner and do not continuously refer to past hurting experiences, try not to mention the past unless it is to resolve an issue that is related to it. 7. You do not need to consult or ask for somebody elses permission to reconcile with your partner. If God says do it, if you also want to give your partner a chance, do it. Forget about what you said in public when you were angry. A wise man changes his mind but a fool does not. 8. Be prepared to take a risk, avoid asking the question: what if it happens again? ask yourself: what if it does not happen again? Be prepared to bear the consequences of your decision. Life is about risk taking. Be optimistic. 9. Invest more in the marriage, show a serious commitment and whatever your partner does not want, do not do it. Compromise for your happiness. Remember you made the decision so make it work. 10. Do not repeat the same mistake again, mature and ask your partner to help you make a good partnership, make him/her feel they are an important part of your life.

11. Trust God in everything: Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Pray together, live a sanctified holy life, cut off all soul-ties and flesh bonds if there were past relationships, allow the Holy Spirit to clean your lives, make the word of God to be the constitution of your marriage. A WORD OF CAUTION ABOUT CONFESSION In order that there can be reconciliation, confession of the wrong done must be done. I do not recommend however that individuals should confess every detail of every sexual sin to their partners. That can be harmful. It may bring relief to the one who has been unfaithful, but equally put a burden on the spouse who gets details of her betrayals. The following guidelines can be followed by parties who wish to confess their wrong: o Consider how you would feel when that confession is made to you. o Are you showing genuine repentance in your confession? o How much detail are you revealing in your confession? N.B. Too much details can cause deep pain and delay the process of healing. o Is the timing right? Do not just say things hurriedly, take time to listen and talk the issues over. o Allow a moment of questioning and allow a free-flow of emotional expression. Stay with the emotions of your partner and support her. o Follow the biblical mode of true confession, i.e. will you forgive me? I know I dont deserve it, but I am asking you to forgive me. o Commit yourself to genuine change and to practicing purity and faithfulness. Where there is a clean and genuine confession that goes with repentance, the grace of God abides and both spouses are able to forgive and help each other out and forever live a happy life full of renewed trust, good communication, enjoy an affectionate relationship and a good restoration of the marital relationship. Our faithfulness gives strength to our marriage and family. In certain situations children must also be included in the process where they have been offended and parents must take caution not to hurt their feelings by revealing shocking details of their conflict. CONCLUSION Marriage is a lifetime contract, and it should never be broken. Allow the pain dont try to stop it. If you happen to get re-married dont break the second marriage. Two wrongs never make right. Confess the sins of the past, but do not sin again by causing another divorce or separation.

There is one message that you need to hear, loud and clear!! You are very precious to God!!! Even if a tragedy that you never expected has befallen you. The course of a persons life takes is, sometimes, not what you expected. One day the unexpected suddenly happens, a great disaster hits you for example, a dearly beloved dies; you have contracted a services disease, you are in danger of losing your work, possessions or house, your children get out of hand; your marriage is on the rocks; you just cannot pay your accounts anymore. Everything around you has become dear. A person then feels like asking: Why? Whey me Lord? Why? No matter how much you think and wonder and lie awake at night it is impossible to find a satisfactory answer. You may being saying I served the Lord faithfully and now this terrible thing has hit me. Thats not right! Why does God allow this? Where is God now? Or you think to yourself: God is now punishing me for all my sins and omissions in many areas, even the sins committed by our parents and forefathers. Maybe thats why I deserve this. I have good news for you! This is what the Bible says, For God so loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten, that who so ever believeth in Him should have eternal life. Jn 3:16 (God loves you despite what you are going through). When the enemy comes in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord will lift up the standard against him, Is. 59:19. The flood of water will seek to destroy you but God will protect you. John 10:10 The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but I have come to give you life in abundance. The devil has come to kill but God has come to give life. Dont blame God for things that happen around you ask God to replace what the devil has taken from you. Fight for your marriage, dont just give up and allow the devil to disposes you. If God be for us who can be against us?

A PRAYER OF DELIVERANCE AND CLEANSING FROM DIVORCE Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I realize that I have failed you, my partner, my children, my family and the body of Christ, by allowing divorce in my life. I renounce all sinful practice that I have done knowingly and unknowingly to contribute towards the breaking down of the marriage relationship. Sorry that I have been untruthful to the vow that I made to you and I repent of that sin. Though I may not understand what I am going through but I pray that you give me the strength to overcome evil with good. Help me to forgive all those I hurt and those that I hurt, ease all bad words that came out of my mouth in anger. Cancel all curses with a blessing even upon those who despitefully used me. I renounce the curse of divorce over my life and over my childrens lives and over my childrens lives. Help me to remain pure and sacred for you Lord. Bring back the fear of the Lord upon my life!!! Help me to be humble enough to reconcile with my partner when the time comes, for you will above my will, is important in my life. Amen!!!

BIBLIOGRAPHY Bruce, H. Wilkinson (Dr), A biblical Portrait of Marriage (Atlantas, USA: Walk Through the Bible Ministries, 1995) Charles Swindoll, Divorce,(, Zondervan Publishing House)Detroit Michigan,USA, 1995 Hagin KE, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage (Tulsa, USA: Faith Library Publications.2001) Heres life Publications, Roodeport Mission Press Kassner M, If you will reconcile your differences with the woman that I gave you, you will be a man my son. (South Africa, Randburg: Countdown Publishing, 1994) Maswanganyi, E (Dr), Avoiding Divorce in the year 2000 and beyond (South Africa, White River, Emmanuel Press, 2000)

Rice, JR, Divorce, the wreck of marriage (Tennessee, USA: sword of The Lord Publishers.) Rick J, From a Gate of Hell to A door of Heaven (USA Morning Star Publication Vol 10No2) Stipp D & R, Strength and help for a friend (St Macrand, In,Abbey Press) Other books by the same author 1. Sexuality Education 2. Freed to Possess.

Pastors Vusi and Busi Radebe are married for twenty eight years. They are blessed with three children Bonginkosi, Thembinkosi and Musawenkosi. They are founders of Breakthrough Ministries churches in South Africa, public motivational speakers, travelled conference speakers both locally and abroad. They are trained marriage counselors and marriage officers. They are forever students of the word of God. Apostle Vusi is a poet, musician and author of books. They have a training ministry called Greater Works Leadership Institution which offers training, seminars, and workshops on a variety of topics.

In this book you will learn:

That every divorce amongst Christians must be viewed as a failure by the church. How not to judge a divorce person; the unexpected always happen in life. That divorce causes pain in all affected parties, especially children. That there is hope of reconciliation even after divorce. Marriage is made of God and should be enjoyed.