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B u i l d i n g I n t i m a c y i n M a r r i a g e
Written by Jonathan Daugherty
Staying Connected! Building Intimacy in Marriage Copyright © 2004 Jonathan Daugherty All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from Be Broken Ministries. Printed in the United States of America.
Requests for information, or to order additional workbooks, should be sent to: Be Broken Ministries firstname.lastname@example.org If you would like to contact Jonathan Daugherty, you may do so by email at email@example.com.
I dedicate this workbook and the insights contained within to my dear wife, Elaine. Without her patience, grace, and strength of character we could not have developed the deep, intimate connection we enjoy today.
Table of Contents
I. II. Introduction The Concept of Connection a. Connection with God b. Connection with Your Spouse c. Maintaining Healthy Connections III. Prioritizing and Pursuing Your Spouse a. The Importance of PRIORITIZING Your Spouse b. How to Make Your Spouse a Priority c. The Importance of PURSUING Your Spouse d. How to Pursue Your Spouse – Even When You Don’t Feel Like It IV. Roles vs. Relationship a. Are Role Expectations Healthy in a Marriage? b. Think Relationship First – A Paradigm Shift c. Replacing Role Expectations with Relationship Expectations V. Additional Resources Page 7 Page 11 Page 13 Page 15 Page 21 Page 25 Page 27 Page 29 Page 31 Page 33 Page 37 Page 39 Page 41 Page 45 Page 49
Welcome to Staying Connected! Building Intimacy in Marriage. It is my hope that this workbook will be a resource of refreshment and new challenges in your personal life as well as your marriage relationship. We all need encouragement from time to time and it is my desire to offer hope to those discouraged, challenge to those stuck in neutral, and praise to those sowing the seeds of righteousness in their marriages. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ then you are called to be different. When Christ redeemed you, He set you apart to be His servant, His child. You are now fully His, part of His family forever, saved for His pleasure and His glory. This is your position and function as a Christian. And it is your calling to glorify Him in all you do, whether married or single. In recent years, there has been a disturbing trend among evangelical Christian marriages in which there is virtually no difference in lifestyle behavior between professing evangelical Christians and the unsaved world. In a study performed by pollster George Barna of the Barna Research Group, it was shown that the divorce rate for born-again Christians was actually higher than that of nonbelievers. And not only was their divorce rate higher, but 87% of those believers that got divorced had done so after they accepted Christ. (see Barna.org for more info) This “narrowing of the cultural gap” in Christian marriages is producing widespread societal problems, primarily in our children. Future generations are looking to us for answers and direction, but instead are ﬁnding moral relativism and diluted convictions. How can we expect our kids to “do the right thing” when we aren’t making any changes in our own lives? In spite of the negative trends around us, in spite of a world that seeks to destroy the institution of marriage, and in spite of all the subtle lies that have infected our thinking, we do have a hope and a future! God promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He has promised that we can overcome the evil and temptation of this world because “He who is in [us] is greater than he who is in the world.” We can have vibrant, God-honoring marriages that cry out to the nations that the Lord lives, the Lord loves, and the Lord heals. But we must learn to STAY CONNECTED in order to enjoy the blessings and power of the Lord in our marriages. My prayer is that this short, yet powerful, workbook might help your marriage experience a time of renewal and excitement. I pray that you would allow the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart through each lesson. This is a resource to work through together as a couple. Discuss the
topics presented and ask one another questions to deepen your understanding of your spouse. I don’t have all the answers to the struggles in your marriage, but I know the One who does. And God promises that if we seek, we shall ﬁnd, and if we knock, the door will be opened to us. So, go ahead and seek what the Lord wants you to ﬁnd. And don’t be afraid to knock so that the door of peace and goodness might be opened in your marriage. One ﬁnal note; enjoy yourself! Have fun, seek the Lord, and be changed! Yours for unity, Jonathan Daugherty Director Be Broken Ministries
For additional resources and support, visit www.bebroken.com.
The Concept of Connection
The Concept of Connection
I am forever indebted to Gene McConnell, founder of Authentic Relationships International, for introducing me to the concept of connection as it relates to relationships, especially marriage. The concept of connection is simply this: I am functioning at my best, and in the way God intended, when I am in authentic, honest, and constant connection with my Creator. This is essentially another way to interpret the ﬁrst half of John 15 where Jesus explains the idea of “abiding in Him.” This idea is the basic premise on which this workbook is structured. This principle of connection is powerful when understood in a marriage relationship. This portion of the workbook will introduce you to three primary aspects of connection: connection with God, connection with spouse, and maintaining healthy connections. Let me make one other note about connection before we move on. The concept of connection is directed at fellowship, NOT relationship. It has more to do with our interaction than our position. For instance, our relationship with God is sealed forever at the moment we believe on Jesus Christ as our Savior. We can never lose that position in God’s family. However, we can damage our fellowship with Him at times through our rebellious, selﬁsh actions. This is where the concept of connection comes in. Even marriage was ordained by God to be a permanent relationship (Mark 10:9). So, when I talk of connection in this workbook I am discussing the idea of fellowship and communion, not the position of our relationship to one another or to God. Notes:
Connection with God
Jesus said in John 15:5, “Apart from me you can do NOTHING.” This is a universally inclusive statement for all believers. None of us can escape the fact that we are incapable of doing ANYTHING apart from the power of Christ. So, it would be safe to assume that if we want to experience a dynamic, vibrant marriage then Christ must be central in it. This is essential for experiencing true intimacy. If connection with God is essential for true intimacy, what are some questions that might arise in your own mind and marriage concerning such a connection? The following are some possible questions that you might encounter. Answer them individually at your convenience, and then come together with you spouse to discuss your answers. Feel free to add your own questions on the following page. What if my spouse isn’t a believer? Can we still experience intimacy?
How can I know if I am connected (in fellowship) with God? (John 14:15; 1John 3:24; Psalm 32:5)
Can I be connected with God if I am not connected with my spouse? (1 Peter 3:7)
Your own questions:
Connection with Your Spouse
If you are connected with God you are on the right track toward building a deeper connection within your marriage. But the challenge of marriage is that it involves someone else - your spouse! You might feel you would be an expert in your marriage if it just weren’t for having to relate to your spouse. You might believe, “Just God and me is ﬁne. But bring my spouse into the picture and life becomes complicated, confusing, and difﬁcult.” However, if you want a marriage that lasts and is honoring to God you must learn to connect with your spouse in an authentic, honest manner. There are three basic ingredients that must be worked on if your marriage relationship is to experience a healthy connection. 1. Communication – Constant and Consistent 2. Emotional Talk – Going Beyond “How was your day?” 3. Transparency – Exposing the REAL You Let’s break down each of these ingredients to better understand how they mix to produce deeper intimacy in your marriage.
Communication – Constant and Consistent
Good communication is a key ingredient to any healthy relationship, especially marriage. If you are unable (or unwilling) to effectively and lovingly communicate with your spouse you are setting yourself up for failure at worst and tension at best. There are two primary factors necessary for healthy communication to be present in your marriage. It must be CONSTANT and CONSISTENT. Constant communication does not mean you talk and never shut up. Communication is much more than the words you speak. In fact, roughly 90% of all communication is non-verbal. Therefore, to have constant communication with your spouse means to remain in a mode of connection, or engagement. Consistent communication means just that – developing the habit of communicating with your spouse. Just because you told your spouse you loved her 10 years ago does not mean you don’t need to reassure her today. Learning to be consistent in communication requires daily commitment to interacting with your spouse one-on-one. Write some thoughts about developing constant and consistent communication in your marriage. Ask your spouse to evaluate how you
are doing in this area and be willing to receive their constructive criticism, if necessary.
Emotional Talk – Going Beyond “How was your day?”
A simple deﬁnition of “emotional talk” is communication that focuses on each other’s feelings, not activities. Many couples get lulled into a pattern of talking about the day’s activities and rarely, if ever, discuss emotions or feelings. This is a dangerous pattern to create because it sets up the marriage for tension, frustration, and disconnection. Emotional talk is the doorway to developing deeper intimacy with your spouse. Learning to talk about how you feel about certain activities, or expressing your feelings about your spouse, is a key element to launching your relationship to an entirely new level of intimacy. This level of communication, however, can also be dangerous ground on which to tread if you are not adequately trained. If you start spouting off all your negative feelings toward your spouse in unhealthy, hurtful ways, then you cannot expect a strengthening of your connection. It is necessary to have some “ground rules” for emotional talk. Avoid all “You” statements (i.e. “You never listen”), and replace them with “I feel” statements (i.e. “I feel neglected and ignored whenever you aren’t paying attention to me”). Avoid the past in present conversations (i.e. “I never could trust you ever since you lied about that weekend in Vegas”), and remain in the present (i.e. “I feel betrayed when I feel like you are not being truthful with me”). Avoid negative associations (i.e. “Living with you makes me feel like I’m living with my mother”), and stay engaged with your spouse (i.e. “I feel restricted and babied when you watch over me like a hawk”)
Discuss with your spouse some emotions that you have kept bottled up. Remember, it’s ok (in fact, encouraged) to share positive emotions as well. Many spouses (especially men) do not communicate their deepest feelings because of fear of rejection. Create a safe place and share your emotional talk.
Transparency – Exposing the REAL You
Closely tied to emotional talk is what we call transparency. This means exposing the “real” you to your spouse. Our deepest desire in life is to be fully known, and fully loved. You cannot experience the deepest level of intimacy in your marriage if you remain guarded in your interactions with your spouse. You must be transparent. Transparency in marriage means you must be honest, willing to share even the toughest of issues. Your struggles, your failures, your desires, your quirks. Everything about you needs to be revealed. As with emotional talk, there needs to be some boundaries to the manner in which you communicate this information. Be gentle and discerning. If something you need to share with your spouse has the potential to rip them apart emotionally, be discerning and gentle in how you communicate that information. For instance, for a husband to say “I am struggling with lust” is much gentler than saying, “I downloaded 11 pornographic images off then Internet today and masturbated for 20 minutes.” Both statements address the issue, but the ﬁrst does so with more tact and care for the wife. Preface your moments of transparency with a question of invitation. Just blurting out a transparent feeling or thought isn’t always the best idea. Prepare your spouse to hear your honest disclosure. It can be as simple as saying, “Honey, can I share something personal with you?” This invites your spouse to focus on you and remove any distractions. It also allows your spouse the opportunity to prepare emotionally to hear whatever you have to say. Listen without judgment or ridicule. Being transparent takes guts. It’s not easy to share your deepest secrets, struggles, or desires. It puts you in a vulnerable position emotionally. Respect your spouse for having the courage and desire to go deeper with you in your marriage relationship. Listen attentively and without judgment. Only respond to your spouse’s sharing if you are invited to do so.
When you learn to connect with God and your spouse in a truly authentic way, you can experience true intimacy in your marriage. There is nothing easy about this concept of connection, but the rewards far outweigh the moments of discomfort. You must be willing to swallow your pride and connect with your spouse.
Talk with your spouse about the idea of transparent communication. Write down some thoughts and insights you gain from this conversation.
Maintaining Healthy Connections
As vitally important as it is to your marriage to be connected to God and your spouse, it is just as important that you maintain that connection in a healthy way. You must beware of confusing your connection with your spouse with your connection with God and vice versa. It is imperative that you prioritize your relationship with God above all else, even before your relationship with your spouse. This certainly doesn’t mean you neglect your spouse, but simply realize that if true intimacy is to be cultivated it begins with a deep, growing intimacy with God, not the other way around. In theory, it is simple to see how this works. In practice, however, it can become quite difﬁcult. But there are two major sets of questions you can ask yourself to ensure that you are maintaining healthy connections with God and your spouse. 1. Have I made God my number one relationship priority today? This one question relates to many other questions as well: Did I spend time with God today? Did I read His Word? Have I allowed Him to search my heart? Did I confess my sin to Him? Did I seek Him all through the day?
2. Have I engaged my spouse in meaningful interaction out of my love for the Lord? Have I allowed my love for God and my concern for my marriage to draw me into a deeper relationship with my spouse today?
Remember, the Lord must be number one if you are to expect a vibrant, intimate marriage to be built. God promises to honor those who honor Him. strive to live with your spouse in such a way that grants God the honor and glory He deserves.
Prioritizing & Pursuing Your Spouse
Prioritizing and Pursuing Your Spouse
What do you think would happen in your marriage if you consistently made your spouse a priority and maintained an attitude of pursuit after them? Do you think you would “grow apart?” Do you think you would seek love and affection from someone else? Would there be any reason to seek divorce? I think the point is clear. When you decide that your spouse is your top priority (second only to your relationship with God), the entire landscape of your marriage changes. In this section of the workbook we are going to discuss two VERY important decisions in marriage: making your spouse a priority and pursuing your spouse. These are decisions you must make because, quite honestly, they do not come naturally. You must consciously decide to make your spouse a priority. And you must continually refocus on pursuing your spouse. But why is this the case? Quite simply, we are all selﬁsh, self-centered people by nature. If you and I were honest with ourselves we would have to say that we probably think about ourselves twice as much (or more) as we think about our spouse. And many times when we do think of our spouse it is related in some way to getting something we want. Therefore, prioritizing and pursuing your spouse requires selﬂessness and hard work - very unnatural disciplines. But it doesn’t have to feel like hard work. So, now it is time for you to explore how you can prioritize and pursue your spouse in a way that develops a deep, intimate connection to last a lifetime. Notes:
The Importance of PRIORITIZING Your Spouse
The decision to prioritize your spouse ﬁts comfortably within the context of connection. How can you connect if you have not made the commitment to engage your spouse? But prioritizing goes beyond just connection. Prioritizing your spouse means that your spouse is placed ahead of every other human being in your life; even the children! Healthy families start with a husband and wife who place each other above all other human relationships. This provides the foundation for true intimacy. Why is it important to set your spouse as a priority in your life? Here are several suggestions of why you need to prioritize your spouse. 1. Your spouse is God’s gift to you. (Genesis 2:22)
2. It honors God. (Song of Solomon!)
3. Two are better than one. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
Other reasons to prioritize your spouse:
How to Make Your Spouse a Priority
It is one thing to know the importance of making your spouse a priority, but quite a different matter to actually do it. So, how can you make prioritizing your spouse a reality in your marriage? Here are a few practical suggestions to help you decide to prioritize your spouse: 1. Tell your spouse regularly that they are important in your life. 2. Periodically deny yourself a favorite personal activity (i.e. golf, shopping, etc.) and choose to spend that time creatively with your spouse. 3. Greet your spouse BEFORE greeting the children. 4. Talk to your spouse about decisions before making them. 5. Choose to spend time with your spouse separate from the children or other family members. Other practical ways to show your spouse their importance in your life:
The Importance of PURSUING Your Spouse
Prioritizing your spouse, as necessary as it is for your marriage, falls short of producing true intimacy because it lacks a depth of interaction and movement. This is where pursuit comes in. Pursuing your spouse means that you are committed to actively and consistently moving toward your spouse in a loving, interested manner. It is a commitment to the “want to.” Real intimacy starts to develop in your marriage when you go beyond the “have to’s” and commit to pursuing your spouse out of love and desire. When your spouse discovers that you are pursuing them because you want to, then the ﬂoodgates of true intimacy can be opened. Why is it important to pursue your spouse once you have decided they are a priority? Here are several suggestions of why pursuing your spouse is vital to building an intimate marriage. 1. Pursuit conﬁrms desire. When you pursue your spouse, you are conﬁrming to them that you desire them.
Pursuing your spouse protects from affairs. When you are pursuing each other in your marriage, you are FAR less likely to look elsewhere for emotional or sexual fulﬁllment.
Prioritizing your spouse gives them head knowledge of your love for them, but pursuing your spouse speaks such love to their heart.
Pursuit ensures connection. When you are consistently pursuing your spouse in love you are certain to remain connected in healthy emotional ways.
How to Pursue Your Spouse – Even When You Don’t Feel Like It
We mentioned earlier in this workbook the statement, “You might feel you would be an expert in your marriage if it just weren’t for having to relate to your spouse.” The truth is it takes effort to connect with your spouse on a consistent, authentic basis. There are times when you just don’t like your spouse. They can irritate you, hurt you, anger you, and push all the wrong buttons. So, the thought of pursuing your spouse can seem like a joke at times. But God calls us to love one another. Period. Wives are to honor and submit to their husbands. Husbands are to sacriﬁcially love their wives. God wants us to PURSUE each other! But how can you do that if your spouse isn’t receptive or you just don’t feel like it? The following are some practical ideas for pursuing your spouse – whether you feel like it or not: Send a card for no reason Take an overnight trip...without the kids Ask your spouse about their quiet time/Bible study time Hug often and long Kiss your spouse every day Hold hands in public...and private Leave a note where only your spouse will ﬁnd it Smile at your spouse Praise your spouse in front of others Move toward your spouse in an argument Start a hobby together Listen attentively when your spouse speaks Tell your spouse, “I love you” Tell your spouse they are beautiful/handsome Offer to do a chore for your spouse Keep exploring romance Always be ready to forgive Worship God and pray together
Add your own ideas for pursuing your spouse:
Roles vs. Relationship
Roles vs. Relationship
As Christian husbands and wives, are you designed to perform speciﬁc roles in your marriage? You may be surprised to ﬁnd out that the Bible does not discuss marital “roles” speciﬁcally. The Bible, however, does outline in detail how you are to relate to one another in your marriage. This may seem like splitting semantic hairs but it is important to understand the difference between roles and relationship. The primary difference between role expectations and relationship expectations in marriage is that roles focus on legalistic performance whereas relationship focuses on the wholeness of the marriage. One looks to receive, the other looks to give. This is basic to Christian living but many believers miss this simple principle in their marriages and then become confused as to why they are dissatisﬁed and frustrated. This section of the workbook will attempt to expose the fallacy in pursuing unrealistic role expectations and provide a biblical view of true intimacy. This teaching can be controversial so we encourage you to explore the Scriptures thoroughly and seek the leading of the Holy Spirit as you are challenged to go beyond human expectations and see the great richness of relationship that the Lord desires for your marriage. Notes:
Are Role Expectations Healthy in a Marriage
Let’s start by examining some typical role expectations in marriage: What Wives Expect of Husbands Financial leader Manual laborer Mechanic Initiator Strength Caring Gentle Talker Hero Lover Romantic Pursuer What Husbands Expect of Wives Housekeeper Cook Passenger Responsive Mild mannered Smart Content Understanding Creative Sexy Provocative Available
As you review this short list of typical role expectations in marriage, do you notice any activities or characteristics that are unhealthy, or unbiblical, in and of themselves? Probably not, right? So, what is the big deal about role expectations in marriage?! Let’s take a look at just two of the sample expectations listed above: romantic and cook. If a wife expects her husband to be romantic, how will she respond when days, weeks, months, and possibly even years go by without her husband initiating anything romantic in their marriage? Is her expectation of him going to cultivate intimacy and closeness or disconnection and bitterness? What about the husband who expects his wife to be the sole cook in the home? What will his demeanor be toward his wife if she simply doesn’t have the time or inclination to prepare meals? Will he move closer to her in attempts to create lasting emotional bonds, or will he retreat into isolation, disappointed in his wife’s inability to meet his expectations? Role expectations in marriage are a slippery slope to disconnection, misunderstanding, and can even lead to deep bitterness. While the activities of the roles listed above are perfectly ﬁne, they become a terribly divisive issue in a marriage when one spouse expects such actions from the other.
1. What role expectations have you placed on your spouse?
2. Does your spouse know of such expectations? If not, why haven’t you shared this with them?
3. Share with your spouse what role expectations you have placed on them. Write down your perception of your spouse’s response.
4. After hearing what expectations your spouse has had for you, write down how this information made you feel. Share these feelings with your spouse. (Remember, don’t share defensively)
Think Relationship First – A Paradigm Shift
Since placing role expectations on your spouse isn’t the best way to build intimacy, how might we go about tackling this difﬁcult task? I believe it requires a shift in how you view interaction with your spouse. You must learn to think relationship ﬁrst, not roles. Here are some biblical principles of relationship that might help you understand the sort of paradigm shift I am envisioning. Mutual Submission Ephesians 5:21 – “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” John 15:12-13 – “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Mutual Respect Romans 12:10 – “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” 1 Peter 3:16-17 – “Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.” Mutual Protection Philippians 2:3-4 – “Do nothing out of selﬁsh ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Colossians 3:12-13 – “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Unselﬁsh Love Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” John 13:34-35 – “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a – “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” These few verses clearly reveal the heart of God when it comes to how He desires you to interact with your spouse. The focus must be on the relationship, not pre-packaged role expectations. When your focus shifts from your self-centered expectations to meeting the needs of your spouse with the gifts God has given, you begin to experience deepening intimacy. 1. Which biblical principle outlined above had a particular impact on you when you read it? Why?
2. Of the principles listed, which one(s) need(s) the most work? Which ones are you doing well?
3. Go back and read this chapter aloud with your spouse. After reading the verses contained under each principle heading, discuss what you are doing well as a couple in that area and what needs work. Write down your responses below.
4. Write down your strategy as a couple for shifting your focus off role expectations and instead focusing on relating with your spouse.
Replacing Role Expectations with Relationship Expectations
It should be clear by now that role expectations are not the best way to develop intimacy with your spouse. However, does this mean you are to have zero expectations of your spouse in your marriage? Absolutely not! The difference is in what you are expecting. If you are expecting your spouse to behave a certain way to meet your preconceived notion of what constitutes a good husband or wife, then your expectations are based on the false premise that you know what is best for your relationship. If, however, your expectations of your spouse are based on God’s design for a healthy marriage, then you are justiﬁed in holding to such desires for your spouse. Let’s look at some relationship expectations you can have for your spouse based on the principles covered in the previous chapter. Principle Mutual Submission Healthy Expectation(s) Based on Eph. 5:21 you can expect that your spouse develop a reverence for Christ. From John 15 there is a direct command from Jesus to “Love one another.” It is reasonable for you to expect your spouse to grow in love for you. Mutual Respect You can expect loyalty & honor from your spouse. Expect your spouse to live as a servant of God, giving you proper respect and love. Mutual Protection Philippians reveals a proper expectation humility and concern for your interests. of
It is proper to expect your spouse to be working on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, with a teamwork attitude, woven together with forgiveness. Unselﬁsh Love Wives can expect husbands to follow Christ’s example of self-sacriﬁce, motivated by love. You can expect love to be cultivated in all your spouse’s relationships.
If your spouse is working on expressing love you can expect to see signs of growing patience, kindness, humility, peace, and forgiveness. You can expect increasing hatred of evil and growing love for truth, with a desire to protect, trust, hope, and persevere. What’s the difference between these relationship expectations versus the previously mentioned role expectations? Motivation and purpose. The motivation behind relationship expectations is to improve the quality of the entire relationship. The motivation behind role expectations is quite often simply to improve the lifestyle of one spouse. Also, the purpose of relationship expectations is ultimately to bring glory to God and see His purposes realized through growing intimacy in your marriage. Role expectations are often given with the purpose of glorifying one spouse at the expense of the other simply to fulﬁll selﬁsh wishes. It’s okay to place expectations on your spouse. Just be careful they are according to God’s design and not your own. 1. What relationship expectations are currently being met in your marriage? Which ones need improvement?
Ask your spouse how well you are doing in meeting these relationship expectations. Write their response below and commit to improving in these areas.
What are some other relationship expectations you could add to the list above based on biblical principles of relationship?
Share with your spouse all the ways they are satisfying you in your marriage. Write down how you are satisfying your spouse, according to him/her.
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