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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
That's their way of digging up people to do good to. I must be catching cold.. No.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.." either..but no man with this published attitude.... Remember now... But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room..should take any man's daughter anyplace.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. dear. You know I'm not a swearing man. Bless you.. He used to come to see us only occasionally. ... Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.. You'd be surprised .they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. Brophy. . . It was Reverend Harper who sneezed.. He's so very much in love with her.. watch your language.Their old man left them fixed for life. and now. at any time. .. Don't you call them "the girls.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.. . Sister Martha and I are so happy.. Reverend Harper.. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.
what they'd consider swearing. -How do you do. Thank you. Splendid! Thank you. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. They're all packed. -Come right in. You get tired of playing cards. Will you excuse me? No. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. You know the Reverend Dr. Teddy. At ease. Harper from the church next door? Hello. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. what news have you brought me? Colonel. This is Officer O'Hara. dear. no. -Miss Abby. Brophy? . Teddy. How do you do. The toys are on the chair up here. This is Officer O'Hara. Gentlemen. we came for the toys. Brophy. the new man on the beat. gentlemen. sir? It's nice to meet you. He's taking over my beat. by the library door. That's splendid work you men do. I'll go. Mr. we have nothing to report. No. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. absolutely nothing to report. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station.
But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Isn't it a shame.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.. Look. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. That's right. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . He's an interesting character.. Isn't it a shame. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. I'll make a note. Teddy. .. Father..and the neighbors raised Cain. Please don't bother. You've done so much already. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute... still. .She's better. Gentlemen. Reverend... There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. Sarge. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. thank you.. I promised I wouldn't swear.. They're afraid of him. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. But a little weak. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. Now don't do that again.
-Reverend. you're back. The Army and Navy are ready for action. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Officer O'Hara. Thank you. Colonel.. Sarge. Be sure it's good and hot. put it back. So long..Well. how do you do? Miss Martha. -These are lovely. -Don't mention it. Dismissed! . and thank you very much. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. this is grand. -Thank you. -Not at all. -Now. No. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. -The children will go crazy. Yes. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. dear. it goes to Australia. Brophy. Colonel. Miss Brewster.. Teddy. He's taking over my duties. Martha. Hey. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. You bet I will. Here's the broth for Mrs. now. -How do you do? -Good afternoon.
and what's more important. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. -Careful of the step with the toys.... -Don't mention it. That is quite a problem. Goodbye..... if he's happy. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Do you remember. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.. Well. let that be a lesson to you. -Well. Yes. I must be going.-Goodbye and thank you. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. Young man. .. and we suggested it. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. -Good night. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. Martha? Once. .it might be a change for him. you're happy. a long time ago. indeed.
. And dinner's going to be late. I didn't know when you'd be back. Dear. -I'll run right downstairs and see.. There wasn't time. -I got along fine.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. Did you just have tea? Yes. dear. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. why? Good news for you. -No. dear. So. Martha. and Reverend Harper was coming. sweet Reverend Harper. too. I just couldn't wait for you. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. -But all by yourself. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. And I was all alone. You know. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey.. I'm sure we needn't worry about him.. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes.
Just throw it. -You've got to drive us to the station. right out here with everyone looking. And her brooch.Well? Just look in the windowseat. Hold on to that. I don't like that look in your eyes. Please! For heaven's sake! But. buddy. -It's Elaine! -Hello. Mortimer. you're going to love me . If you find her hairpins.. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. -You ain't seen anything yet. Mortimer. -But... -But that was only Sunday. -This old cab has seen osculation but. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Wait a minute. -Take her hat. keep them. There they are. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. Here's your hat. But. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. darlings.
Yes. There's that look again! "There's that look again. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. I don't have to. You'll see it often.for my mind. you see! You see? That's what I mean.. I can handle Father. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. darling. too? One thing at a time. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. No. There. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. You should've seen my secretary's face. He's a dear.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. I started packing the day after I met you. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. That's what I hate about women.. . .. We've a room on the train. hurry and pack.... Go on. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. the bridal suite in the hotel. It goes just before this. Look.. don't tell your father.
Grand Central Station. -It'll be a few minutes. And throw in a flock . darling. you two old frauds. If you see a tall. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Elaine and I are married. Oh. open the front door fast. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Isn't it too. here. not now! Look surprised when he tells us.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Hurry. hurry. Hold on to your bustles. When you whistle. We're married. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. What? Now? No. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. -Whistle when you're ready. it's me. -Father may want to pray over me. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Brewster? Good. dark streak of light.
It's all ready. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. Well. I'll run along and get everything ready. But before you go. A taxi's waiting. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. we can have our celebration. too. You know how your books upset him. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. . dear. Oh. I'm going to burn all my books. a wedding cake. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. Of course. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world.of orange blossoms. -You won't have time to bake a cake. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. -And. Did everybody know I was getting married. We're going to Niagara Falls. of course.
I saw a play. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Goodbye. what a face! I remember now. President? -Bully. dear! . you know. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. I know. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Mortimer! -How are you. President. dear. reminded me of Jonathan. Hello. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. He'd scare grownups with it. thank you. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. A new lock for the canal. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. goodbye. Mr. I'm off to Panama. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Just bully. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. had a character in it.Now you behave. Oh. Isn't it wonderful? Well. "Oh. Yes. Mr. My.
Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Teddy's killed a man. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. That's after we're gone. -You know? -Of course. Now. Yes. When Teddy's working on the canal. mister. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. what a play. The next thing-Hey. you can't get his mind on anything else. darling! Never mind that now. When the curtain goes up. Well. We know.Yeah. darlings. look. -There's no such hurry as that. Get him up here now. Yes. dear. dear. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. . I'm frightfully sorry. but I've got an awful shock for you. darlings. At once! -He's in the cellar. listen. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. the first thing you see is a dead body.
it has a distinct odor. don't be so inquisitive. Adam Hoskins. Aunt Martha. how did he die? Mortimer. When it's in tea. Who is he? He's a Mr.. Wait! Stop all this.. dear. men just don't get into windowseats and die.. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. What the. He died first. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. You just forget about it.. You mean you. Now look. Hoskins.Now. That's really all I know about him. Mortimer. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. except that he's a Methodist. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. No. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice.. You put it in the wine? .
but this time we'll go where we want to go. Look at me. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. And I put Mr.. Mortimer. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Abby. She's much better. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . That wouldn't have been very nice. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. not at tea. darling. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well.Yes. Now.because Reverend Harper was coming.. It's first-degree. tomorrow or next day. Schultz. . The dears. Yes. Hoskins in the windowseat. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.. We must do that. you know all about it and just forget about it..
Now. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. don't be so impatient. Teddy's down in the cellar now. it is. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. digging the lock. We don't intend to. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Look. you behave. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. Mortimer. I know what his name is. You can't. dear. Hoskins. Mortimer. Whatever his name is. dear.. dear. . -Stop worrying about it. I want to know what we're going to do. dear. -We'll let you lick the bowl.Yes. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Aunt Martha. here. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. We told you to forget the whole thing... you can't leave him in there. You're going to bury Mr. Mr. -We can't turn you over to the police. That's what we did with the others. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. -But Mr. They have so much fun.
. dear. Abby? No. No. and that makes it 12. keep your shirt on! Elaine. dear. dear. This one is only 1 1 . I think you're wrong. because I remember when Mr. Hello. But.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. dear." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes.-Others? -The other gentlemen. When you say "others. . dear. This makes 12. Abby. This is 1 1. I get them mixed up sometimes. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. she's probably right. Let me see now. Hoskins first came in. isn't it. Makes it 12. Abby usually is. I was counting the first one. I didn't mean-- .. It does? Well. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. I really don't think you should count the first one. For heaven's sake. Abby... Abby.
Where were we? Twelve.. . Abby thinks we should count the first one........ Tell me..Now. you see. let's see. .and he sat there dead in that chair. . You mean. dear. We felt so sorry for him.. who was the first one? Mr. then and there. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. old gentleman. Why. Just sit down...to find that same peace.. Remember. when his heart attack came. All his kith and kin were dead..that if we could help other lonely.and he thought Mr. .. . Martha? We made up our minds.. Never mind about that.looking so peaceful... Twelve! Yes. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.we would. And then. Midgely.. old men... Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. He was such a lonely. He was a Baptist.. So.. we all took him down to Panama.. And that meant he had to be buried immediately... .. you poor. ...
Well. As a matter of fact. Should have quite a kick.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic..because we know exactly what's to be done.. so. No. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.... Wait a minute! Come here.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. . . You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it..... There.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial....then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. dear.. dear. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. -Mortimer. .. Of course not! Well. for a gallon of elderberry wine. And then... .. just a pinch of cyanide.. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .... darling.
Let me see. Don't worry about the cake. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page.. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. He's wonderful..He did? Well.. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Singing away. We must get that cake frosted.. That'd be nice. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. I couldn't eat a thing. digging locks. Who can I call up? Dewey. Winchell's no good. Winchell? No. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Everybody knows he's crazy. La Guardia. darling. Let me see.. Teddy! Of course. Happy as a lark. a sip of.
-Come on! -I'm so sorry. please. What's wrong? Look at your hair. Brooklyn. What'd you do. -Run on home.on North Shore Road. Something's happened. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. you! Thought you were tall. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. -How do I look? -You look fine. yes. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Yeah. I'll call you up tomorrow. I heard you whistle. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. dark streak of light. .
. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. You better go home! -But. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry.. he's-It's his bugle blowing. darling. . The police want to throw him into a state institution. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. Elaine. It's about Teddy. Judge. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. But it's a matter of life and. I'll tell you why I called you. -Go to bed. It's very. I've got to come over and see you right away.If I could only tell you. It won't wait until tomorrow. about Teddy. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. we were married today. You smell so nice. Judge. Judge.. We've got to do something immediately. very important. A thing happened.
-All alone in the world? . -Well. I'm sorry. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Happy Dale. do sit down. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. we can get him to Happy Dale. we're just setting the table for dinner. Don't like it. please. It's a wonderful place. Doorbell's ringing. Operator? Give me long distance. And this is my sister. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Another Miss Brewster. this would be a nice comfortable chair. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. New York. How do you do? Come in. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Now.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. I understand you've got a room to rent. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. dear. -My name's Gibbs. Do step in. I'm Miss Brewster.
"A" Iike in "arsenic. but the cemetery's full of them. Well.. Well. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. I can see the headlines now. Well. -Thank you. -Do sit down. I'd like to see the room. I don't think I'll like it. you've come to just the right house.. . like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. That's right. -Dale.-Well. It's elderberry wine. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.. we make this ourselves. skoal." when you dig a lock. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. "D" Iike in "dig. The room's upstairs. -No. Happy Dale. Martha. Please.
Hello.. madam. People wouldn't understand. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. it's wrong. I'm not drunk. . This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you.. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. but you've given me an idea! Darling.but it's not only against the law... Oh. murdered.. Don't do that.. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. I'm nervous. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. What I mean is. He wouldn't understand.. Not that.
we want to commit him there immediately.. dear. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Thank you. operator. if he thought that-Mr. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. That's too bad.. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. dear. Brewster. Witherspoon speaking. Bonaparte.What? All right. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment.. Well. Mr. Mr. do you-I'm fine. Witherspoon.and it would lead to trouble. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Mr. now. Witherspoon.That's amazing.. Oh. Witherspoon. Thank you. Well. I see. thanks. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. And if-Oh. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Yes. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. if your mind is made up. Mr. please. .-. How do you do. Of course. Oh. Well. .
What on earth could happen to us? Well. Anyway.. I can't concentrate.. I mean. darling. I love you both very much. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. Get off that thing. I'll sing with you. -But. . Mortimer. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. dear. dear. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything.. You know I'd do anything for you.. Oh. don't you? Yes. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. Now listen. like good girls. I can't talk to you.. we'd have to know what it was first. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes.. Well.Another Roosevelt. I want you to do one thing for me. but I want you to promise me something. Whosit where he is. darling. you'll do that little thing for me.
Remember. The poor dears. . Shame! Such a nice hat. What is it? Mr.I'll dance with you. I'll sit with you! Yeah. cab! Here you are. well. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. I'm so happy for Elaine. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. that's right. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Yes. You promise? Good. Why? He's just been married. -Don't open it. anything. You know. Oh. I can go faster that way. What? Stop that. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Sure.
This is the home of my youth. I'll go. As if we were expected. Johnny. There's one up in my room. and I've never seen them before. -Do you recognize them? -No. Drink. it's a good hideout. we'll need another hymnal. Yes. Look. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Johnny.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. It's two men. The family must still live here. doctor. A fatted calf?. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. Come in. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. -You look. they're strangers to me. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. -Let me look. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. As a boy. dear. -Are you sure? -Yes. Johnny. . I'm so hungry.
. Your nephew. . It's Jonathan. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Jonathan. . his voice is like Jonathan's. still the high collar. Why.... you're not..A good omen. you know. so don't pretend you are.. . Einstein is responsible for that.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. Have you been in an accident? My face. You're nothing like Jonathan.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. Dr.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. Aunt Martha. But I've seen that face before.. He's a plastic surgeon.. Aunt Martha. And you. You just get out of here. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. No..
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.. Four feet wide. And it just fits Mr.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. we can't just walk Mr. Quick.. Rather a good joke on my aunts. Spenalzo in through the door. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. We expect to be very busy. I could be disagreeable..You remember that. Bed.. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. I forgot to tell you. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.. . See the hole he's digging. six feet long. I don't have to go into details. we'll bring him in through the window. -Down here.. How do we get him in here? Yes. Spenalzo. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. Spenalzo along. Come here. That's hospitality. .. as a boy.
I think Teddy had better take Mr. No. a state secret. A state secret? Yes. General Goethals was very pleased. And he's been so patient. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. What are we going to do about Mr. The car is all right where it is until morning. Hoskins downstairs right away. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. the poor dear. That might be against the law. I don't want to leave it in the street. there's been another yellow-fever victim. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. we must keep it a secret. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. He said the canal was just the right size. Hoskins? Mr. Promise? You have the word of the President . You'd better get to bed.We're moving the car behind the house. Teddy.
And we'll come down later and hold services.. Cross my heart and hope to die. It seems to be spreading. I've never even seen Mr.. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours.of the United States. let's see. . You know. We've never had yellow fever there before. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. Now. You just come right along and see him now. you were out. .you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.. -And we don't go to bed this early. You two run along to bed. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right... Your room is waiting for you. And then.. he's really very nice looking. when everything's dark here..when I turn out the lights. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. We're bringing the luggage through here. But you must be very tired.. You can go right up. Both of you. . Now get along. considering that he's a Methodist.
Run along. -All right. . Johnny. Doctor. When I tap on the glass. Aunt Abby. He's all right. -I'll be right up.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Good night. We must be quick. Aunt Martha. All right. we'll all go to bed. You go round and hand him through. And then together we take him down to Panama. Now! Turn out the lights. Aunt Abby. Now. Yeah. I'll come back later. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. you open the window. I'll take a look around outside the house. and I'll stay here and pull. You go outside and push. It's dark in here. Where am l? Here I am. But he's too heavy for me. Just off the laboratory. For the instruments. I'll open the window. Take the bags upstairs.
You lost a leg somewhere. up! Now. I live next door. Help me. Now I got him. He's so heavy. it's Brewster. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. I'm a brand-new Brewster. I'll manage Spenalzo. somebody's at the door. Help me. wait a minute. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Allez. -Be careful. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper.Who left this open? Okay. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Hand him over. Go open. quick. Go. Doctor! . I mean. wait a minute. I'm not very used to it. He's so heavy. Now I have him. Now I've got him! Johnny. Now I have him. Mortimer. -But his shoe came off.
It's okay. that's all. I've never seen you before. -You've heard of me? -Yes.. We happen to live here. "That explains everything. Einstein? Dr. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. -You're Jonathan. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. May I present Dr. You don't live here. And something of a magician. That explains everything. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I'm in this house every day..It's all right.. . Now that I know who you are. they talk about you. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. .l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door.
the cellar. I'll run--You've given two names. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Go back to your room. a sneak thief. . -What else did you see? -Just that. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. No visitors. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. Is that why you came over here? No. No! Don't be a tomboy. But if he's not home. Charge! Doctor. Alice.I suppose it was you. It's going to be a private funeral. I came to see Mortimer. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. that's all! I see.
Mortimer. . What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.-We'll call the police... have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. -What? I've come back home. Mortimer. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother.. darling.. -Mortimer... Mortimer. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails." Listen. Mortimer. "I've come back home. I talk. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. it talks! Yes. -I'll handle this. Go back to your room. Mortimer. Einstein. . Jonathan! -I've come back home. he--Wait a minute..
Yeah. Please. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here.. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. I'm staying here tonight. just a moment. Here's $10. Now. I remember. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat.. -In fact. -What? -Just for tonight. be a good fellow. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. Nothing to.. Now look. Einstein to stay. We invited Jonathan and Dr. We don't take up much room. I'm staying here from now on. . and I'll sleep on the windowseat. No. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat.
Wait! Who's this Mr. -Oh. Doctor. I'll take care of you. Mr. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Mortimer. Now. Spenalzo. Johnny. beat it! It's all right. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. I've completely lost track of Mr. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Spenalzo. I'll tell you about him. -Killed? Aunt Abby. that. you know what I do to people who order me around. .Mortimer. Don't bring anyone else in here. Elaine. What? What's going to happen to Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. in just a little while. While we are packing. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat.
look. He's some kind of a maniac. Forget it. Well.. ..your brother tries to strangle me. We were married today.. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. don't worry about it. Darling.. Yes. I got things to do. -What? Go on home like a good girl. a taxi's waiting. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. I'm here now... . -But--Please..-It was worse than that. Witherspoon.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Well. Brewster. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. I don't understand you.. Mr. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. please. we were going over Niagara Falls. -You'd better run along home. I can't hear the man. I'm afraid of him. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. .
. Doctor. wedding ring. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. taxi.. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. windowseat.. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. of course? By the doctor? Oh. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. I'll get both signatures. Let me think about this thing. come right away. Thank you. darling. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.put them in a barrel. Yeah. Teddy. well. I know it's late. darling. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. .I've got the papers all drawn up.. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. signature.. .. By the way.
This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. he's mistaken. Yes. Mr. you come in here now! Yes. . where is Mr. Hoskins! -By the way. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins in the windowseat. You admitted you put Mr. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor.No. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. dear. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. It is not Mr. I did. -What? You buried him? -Not yet.
You just look and see what's in that windowseat. what with Jonathan in the house. Martha. handsome. I did. . you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Don't. No. We haven't had a minute. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. dear. Are you getting out.He's down there waiting for the services. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you.. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. and I mean now. And I've also decided that you're leaving. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there.. Oh. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. I've decided that we're staying. Mortimer. you come straight along here. poor dear. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Listen..
I owe you an apology.. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. darling. Well? All right. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. -No! Come in. Come right in. I'll have to call the police. And he's taking Dr. Put down that telephone. Mortimer. too. Einstein and that cold companion with him. what happened to Mr. Officer. Listen. -Pleased to meet you. Remember. -Yes. You can't ask for more than that. -And this is another nephew. This is our nephew. Jonathan. in that case. I've got some very good news for you. You're my brother. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. .. do come in. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. you're a Brewster. -Glad to see you. Spenalzo can happen to you. Don't reach for the telephone.Aunt Abby. Jonathan is leaving. -Pleased to make your acquaintance..
well! -Maybe I can help you with it. . Mr. If you don't leave here. You can tell me all about it. Officer O'Hara. You are? Well. All three of you: you. Spenalzo. I'm working on a play now. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. well. I got to ring in. I can spell like the dickens. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. -I'll be running along. This is your last chance. Einstein and Spenalzo.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen.Your face is familiar. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. but I can't spell them. Dr. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas.
Just give me one moment. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. you lose your head. We're sleeping right here in this house. Look. No. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. But we've got trouble enough as it is. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Right with you. We're not going. Please! Doctor. Then if he tries to interfere-No. We can make a fortune. Two old ladies as a front. Okay. please. Johnny. no. Only Mortimer stands in our way. we're coming back here. Please. Now get going! All three of you. take it easy. After that. I never did like Mortimer. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Johnny. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them .My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. let's go. Come. We've got a wonderful setup here. O'Hara.
Mortimer. -Excuse me. Well. we got an ace in the hole. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. She was my mother. -My mother was an actress. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -I like the first act. It's no fly-by-night idea. I'll be back in a minute. you asked for it. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it.. All right. Yes. Well. We're not going. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you.. I worked on it for 12 years. If you tell O'Hara . -Legitimate? Of course. -Swell.in the cellar.. -You're not going? -No. -I don't know. Move fast. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. rehash it. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. You stay out of this.
I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. I assure you. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.what's in the windowseat... Genius at work. . huh? Let's go where we can be alone. You'd better ring in. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. Lowbrows. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's.l'll tell him what's in the cellar.. Bohemian atmosphere. I'll meet you there later. This opening will kill you.
aren't you? You think you've got it over me.. You're smug. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Well. -I'll see you down there. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. You haven't. You've got to take him with you! . Perish the thought. will you? This is a great play. That was just Mortimer. The moment the doctor signs. Martha. . you ring in and I'll see you later.. -Can't wait! Doctor... Did he look guilty! Well. dear aunties.... And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. We thought we heard you leave. Where do you.Look. I think we can start the services now.. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Where are those papers? There they are. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. doctor. You won't stand me up. Jonathan. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins.. Yes. I expect to find you gone.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.. When I come back. And speaking of services.
Why. Hoskins is no stranger. Mr. what we've been doing is a mercy.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Besides. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Hoskins--Mr. . -But Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Spenalzo. You mean. It's one of our charities. Twelve graves. Hoskins. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. -He's one of our gentlemen. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. The cellar's crowded already. Doctor. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. They're both dead. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. there's no room for Mr. He must mean Mr. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not.
they got 12.. they got 12. Arizona.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful.two in San Francisco.. He died of pneumonia. Then the first one in London. You cannot count him. 12. .. one in Sydney.. Don't brag. . -No. You cannot count the one in South Bend..So you just take your Mr. What? You got 12. and they do just as good as you do. Phoenix? -The filling station. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world... You got 12. one in Melbourne.. I've got 13. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Two in Johannesburg. . one in Phoenix.... -Thirteen.. That makes 13. You've done all that. Spenalzo out of here. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend..and they stay right here in Brooklyn. . Spenalzo.. Johnny. -Filling. There's Mr..
I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed... Dr. I'll be right back. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. -You better wait. This is most irregular. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. . I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. They are. That's all. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. And I've a pretty good idea who it is... are they? Well. -You wait here. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. seeing a doctor. If you'd talk with him. Just one more. but only you can help me. . I know Teddy blows bugles. All I need is one more.The old ladies is just as good as you are.l'm sure you'd be convinced. that's easily taken care of. Gilchrist. Pull up a tombstone.. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.. Make yourself comfortable.. but I can't commit a man just on that. -Who? What? Did I say.
President.50! Oh. -Do you? -Yes. Five more bucks and you'll own it. that's that. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes." $22. No. . Not so good. looks good on you! Not the suit.50! -What? $22.-Hey. $22. Well now. Welcome to Washington. -Mr. so good. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. the meter! "Looks good on me. of course I love you. thanks. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. may I present--Dr. It wouldn't fit me. is it not? Yes. Certainly. indeed. darling. It gives me a chance to rest. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. So far. yes. with a Maxim silencer. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes.50.
I probably should have told you this before. . You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. Just because Teddy's strange. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. It practically gallops. I don't quite know.. that's ancient history.well. but it's only a matter of time. but you see. I'll run for a third term.. It's way back before Teddy.. Darling. -That's what you think.. darling. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. that doesn't mean-No. insanity runs in my family. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.. .. if the country insists. Doctor. I can't go through with our marriage. I love you so much. -What are you talking about? -Well. Darling..Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. -Of course. but I won't be elected.
No. There's no use doing what you're doing. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that.. but kiss me. -Those papers. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Anytime you're in Washington. Aunt Abby. aren't they? They're the sweetest. It'll just have to be undone. sanest people I've ever known. Goodbye. I've enjoyed this little talk very much.. They're Brewsters. all this doesn't prove a thing. What of it? So your family's crazy. -Go away. no. go to bed! . Ambassador. Thank you. drop in to see me at the White House. you better stop it. even they have their peculiarities. I'm crazy too..Darling. So you're crazy. I. That's the way I love you. Well. Look at your aunts. Just go on signing the papers. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place.
.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. All right. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Nice and smooth like a lake. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. . Bed feels good already. You know. You're forgetting. Spenalzo in together. let him. This is all fixed up nice now. If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. Hoskins and Mr. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr.. Martha and I are going for the police. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Doctor.we're going for the police.. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal.. I'll get them out. -Oh. . Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police.
the Melbourne method. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. You forget. Doctor. what? . will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Look at me. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Doctor. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. Doctor. I think. we'll do it.-Remember. No! I am tired. I know that look. My brother. No. But Johnny. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Okay. Not the Melbourne method. But the quick way. Mortimer. We'll do it tomorrow. go to bed. I think this calls for something special. can't you? Yeah. perhaps. You can see that it's got to be done. Okay. Or the next day. You are going to operate tomorrow. I just heard him upstairs. huh? The quick twist like in London. Johnny. no police! No police! Look.
Don't do that. What a load off my mind. Wait here. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. What is it. Get out. Mr. . Get out! -Stop underplaying. President. I see! Very clever. -Of course. Oh. So I have. I can't hear you. -Please listen to me. please? -What? Speak up. Hey. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Yes. President. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Mr. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Boy. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. President. I can't hear you. Mr. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. mice? -You get out of this house. Johnny's in a bad mood. This must be secret. President. Mr. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. You already have them on. Mr. Brewster. will you.
You've just been married. Please listen to me.he's a madman. look. Stop it. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Please. Only for dramatic critics. Heidelberg. Get going. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Brewster. Please. He's a maniac! And then things happen. . 1919. Don't those plays you see all the time . little fellow. -My schnapps. please. I'll take care of him. But... Horrible things. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. when Johnny's in that mood.. Mr. Please go now. You beat it before things start popping around here.. -That's mine. -What's that? Wait.Are you really a doctor? Yes. Doc-. -I could use that. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. You take care of yourself.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. but you go now.
There's a man. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. There's a play that's so bad. he doesn't. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. At least people in plays act like they got sense. He's even been warned to get out... He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. it'll still be running when you get out. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. When you get out of prison. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. Witherspoon. And does he go? No. Now listen to this.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. . Isn't that great? So there he is.. The murderer even invites him to sit down. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard.
a fellow never sees or hears anything. Yes. . The big dope! You were right about that fellow. Johnny.. my dear brother. That's right. brother Heidelberg. This fellow's supposed to be bright. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. Now get a load of this. Look at the attitude.. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. I dreamt of you. in a play or even in a movie. All he has to do is look around.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. . Doctor... In Melbourne one night. Now. Later on. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. for me.we go to work. I've been away for 20 years. He wasn't very bright. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. the quick way. But never. . were you out of my mind. Please.. you may consider that a blessing.. Mortimer.. but does he? No! See..
I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. We drink to you. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . You remember when we came in. dead brother. -Please. But I cannot see this without the drink. After all. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. I'll split it with you. One moment. That idiot! -He goes next. Please! All right. Here. That's all. Where are your manners? Yes. Pull yourself together. please. Mortimer. there was some wine. To my dear.-This must be an artistic achievement. Let's get it over with. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. We both have a drink before we operate. And then they took it. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Where did they put it? I found some wine.
He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. Yeah. I see. .. out of a clear sky. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. -What happened to him? -Nothing. Like a flash. They practically stole that from my play. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. yes! If it has to be. I'll help you. .. then the quick way. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. The quick way. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. It's all right. In the second act.-We'll get to him later.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.. sure. The quick way. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. We're taking the bugle away from him. I'd better talk to him myself. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up..
. Growing into a magnificent specimen. -It's probably over his head. please.. Well. . there's me. You ain't heard nothing yet. -What? -I personally like it very much.. see? Little do I know it. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. The scene changes. All of a sudden. It's an evolving stage. casual-like. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep.. "Miss Peaches La Tour. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. My mother doesn't say they're married. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry.. in the meantime. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. .He says. It's getting you. -Where have I seen that face before? -No.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. I'm in great danger. a fire breaks out.. I'm walking along my beat.
. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. . -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. boys. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. That's the one that ran away.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -He's going to help me write my play. Brewster's brother. Brophy..when a guy that I'm following. -I heard him. The neighbors are phoning in. who the heck is this? Mr.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. Right in the middle of the second act. So he came back. so I pulls out my gun. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -There's a vacant house on the corner.. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. I figures I'll outsmart him. Get me Mac.. this is Mortimer Brewster. Did they send you here? No. -Johnny. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. we came to warn the old ladies. . He says we've got to put him away someplace.. Now.. My play put him to sleep.
Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. . we'll hold him right here. I better let them know that I found you. Your aunts are friends of ours. It wasn't that bad. Brewster. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. -Wait a minute. Brewster. -I'll show them to you. -Come down to the cellar. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. don't you? Well. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. The Lieutenant is on his way over. Yes. Mr. Mr. you've got me. Leave him to me. At the Brewster house. Be careful what you say. 13. Shall we bring him in? All right. So I've been turned in? All right. You think my aunts are sweet. charming old ladies. Thirteen bodies. We found him.
come to the cellar. too. Look out! Fight. . Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Everybody off. I got him. Pat. Such a fine day. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun.I'll show you where they're buried. look out! Amazing. Pat. -Yes. Don't bother me now. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing. Don't! Sarge! Look out. please. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. That's enough. I got something better. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. -Go to the cellar with him. Go on and fight. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. that's enough. He looks like Boris Karloff. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. You could use this in the third act. Well. -Go on down the cellar with him. look.
Kind of think he's wanted somewhere.The papers are all signed. please. I've tried it before-It did. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. . -Witherspoon.. Isn't that amazing? Oh. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Wish I could relax like that. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. fight. Don't do that. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Boris. dear. Turn him over. Get him. -Come in. Telephone. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. What do I care? Go ahead. That won't have any effect. Pat. Thank you very much. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle.. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher.. That's fine. brother.
you can at least read short detective stories. About my not ringing in. Certainly. That's the way they described him.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. The guy who helped him escape. He says 13 bodies are there. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is... . You're suspended.. . too. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. You're going to have a long time on that play. He's a lifer.. Report in.. . he's wanted.. pal. That's my brother. "He looked like Karloff. He's wanted.. Now go on.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.
Who are you? What's your name? Usually. We caught him at the White House. Howdy. -Questioning of spies is my department. . -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. No sleep. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Nothing to eat. Take him out and bring him to. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. With flatheads like you on the force. No. you've blown your last bugle. Colonel.Here. But I'm not myself today. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. keep out of that. Get this gu y out of here. -Hey. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. you. Colonel. This is a spy. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Colonel. I want to question him.
no argument. I know just how you feel. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Look. Captain. started a murder rumor. Last year there was a crazy guy. There's people dumb enough to believe that. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. No arguments. -As long as he's going someplace. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Any offers? I'm Mr. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. -I'm waiting for Mr. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. He's got to be put away. Witherspoon.You're his brother. No arguments. I'm liable to think anything. . take it easy. Just a minute. I have come to get a Brewster. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Read this.
This is fun. Witherspoon is here. I'm so glad to see you. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. all I got to get is Witherspoon. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. That's all right! Do that again for me. -That's fine. Brewster? Mr.Mr. Now. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. . Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. He's ready to talk." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -Hold him till I get there. Never mind! Give me that pen. it's chicanery. Let me explain. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster.
this is Mr. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. It means a great deal to me. secretly.. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. I shan't mind. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. never. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. you know-Captain. We always. You know. I sometimes envy some of our patients. -I've never met a dramatic critic before.And no wagon when he leaves. it's a play. You do? It must be a nice place. I've never been there.. -The woods are full of them.. Something I've been working on. Why? To take him away? Never. . I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. Witherspoon. I have one waiting now. You never can tell. Taxicabs. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. -That's good.
you got it wrong. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Aunt Martha. this isn't Mr. President. -What is this? No. Now you can take him away. Let's see. Your term of office is over. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Taft. I'll bring down my equipment. Witherspoon. I'm on my way to Africa. President? Taft! No. your guide to Africa. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. This is Captain Rooney. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Goodbye.. Aunt Abby. It's Mr. Happy man.-Come. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . all signed. Mr. Mr. my boy.. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. I have good news for you.. I must get started immediately.
we're going. ladies. We promise to take his bugle away from him. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. -We won't be separated from Teddy. too! -Yes. You've come to meet Teddy. let's be sensible. he's come to take him. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. Why not? Why not. jealousy. You could arrange that. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. No. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. Too dangerous. . indeed? It's sweet of them. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Now. -I'm sorry. Dissension. Oh. -If he's going. haven't you? No. but impossible. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. How can you allow this? You promised. dear. he can't go now! We won't permit it.It's all right. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. I've got it. you'll have to take us with him.
Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. . What? Yes. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. . There are 13 bodies in our cellar. -I'll look in that cellar... Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. You just ask our nephew. He's been a little strange all day. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer.. you wouldn't have to dig. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Things are going to get worse. The graves are all marked. And there are hundreds more up in the attic.and we'll get them all together. Mortimer.. -I'll tell you what we'll do. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. No. -How about it? -I'll be right there. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar.It ain't only his bugle blowing.
-We put flowers on them every Sunday. Smile. It's amazing. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. humor them. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Hasn't got it yet. . far away "There is a Happy" He got it. a Mr. Humor them. Where are they? . There's one down there. If we can go with Teddy. -Certainly. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Spenalzo. "There is a Happy Dale far.. I put neon lights on mine. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.. -He got married today.. we'll sign the papers. -Flowers? Sure. None of mine are gentlemen.. Teddy committed himself. -You mustn't mind him at all.who doesn't belong here and has to leave.
ladies. Maybe I can understand him. -Were you leaving. I'm really looking forward to going. -Good night. please. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Einstein. Ladies. please. Sign them up. please. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Doctor? -Yes. Come along. if you'll sign right here. Doctor. right here. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. will you? I want this all cleaned up. I'm so sorry. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. -Here? -Yes. The neighborhood here has changed so.I have them. Oh. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Dr. . It's on the right-hand side there. here. Doctor. -Come here. We've overlooked something. Dr. -A doctor? -Yes. dear. Dr. please. Now. Yes. Just sign right here. A doctor.
That's great! Thanks. . will you? About 40. Poses as a doctor. Mac. It's your turn. Einstein! -Now. Hello. -Don't play games--You sign. on the desk. Doc. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Five-foot-three. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Okay. But Dr. Thanks. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Don't mind me. It's contagious. Witherport. Talks with a German accent. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. It's all right.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. yes. One hundred and forty pounds. Mr. The doctor has completed the signatures. Read it to me. I'm Brewster. Mr. Mac. Pop eyes. You sign as next of kin.
-What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. darling. dear. And you were born .-Spoon. Come up and pack my duffel. darling. Now. -It's yours. We don't want anything to go wrong. We're very happy about the whole thing. of course. -Mine? You see. Mortimer. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -What. but that's just it. -What's wrong about that. don't be worried. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. you know? And bring along my bugle. -Here. dear. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. darling? -Martha. you tell him. He's President. Well. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. you signed as next of kin. Einstein--But it's not his signature. -Well. -Me too. President.
darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. Your real father was a cook. Quiet! -But.. .. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them.about three months afterwards. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. They're off to a flying start.we didn't want to lose her. I really did see-- . So brother married her.. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. It's true. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. too. -Goodbye.
I'm a son of a sea cook. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. But.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Yes. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Call me a cab. love. Mr. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. dear. Mortimer. its operators.