Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

watch your language.... Brophy. . .. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room.. He's so very much in love with her. I must be catching cold. Bless you. Don't you call them "the girls. You'd be surprised .. and now.should take any man's daughter anyplace. Sister Martha and I are so happy.Their old man left them fixed for life.. . .because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.but no man with this published attitude..... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.. No.. at any time.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. You know I'm not a swearing man.. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. Reverend Harper. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't... It was Reverend Harper who sneezed.. dear.. . Remember now. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. He used to come to see us only occasionally..he's in Brooklyn six nights a week." either..

what news have you brought me? Colonel. we came for the toys. Will you excuse me? No. no. Gentlemen. The toys are on the chair up here. Splendid! Thank you. absolutely nothing to report. Brophy.what they'd consider swearing. This is Officer O'Hara. dear. Teddy. No. I'll go. Thank you. the new man on the beat. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Harper from the church next door? Hello. -Miss Abby. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. -Come right in. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. gentlemen. Mr. This is Officer O'Hara. Teddy. You know the Reverend Dr. He's taking over my beat. They're all packed. -How do you do. How do you do. That's splendid work you men do. sir? It's nice to meet you. You get tired of playing cards. we have nothing to report. by the library door. At ease. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Brophy? . -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs.

if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Please don't bother. I promised I wouldn't swear... There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. Sarge. I'll make a note.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. Father.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. Isn't it a shame. Isn't it a shame... Teddy. That's right. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. Now don't do that again. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Look.and the neighbors raised Cain. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. thank you.. He's an interesting character. They're afraid of him. Gentlemen... Reverend. You've done so much already.She's better.. . still.. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. But a little weak.. .

Sarge. -Don't mention it. you're back. Be sure it's good and hot.Well. how do you do? Miss Martha.. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Thank you. Martha. So long. now. Hey. Teddy. -The children will go crazy. dear.. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. Officer O'Hara. Colonel. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy.. and thank you very much. -Thank you. Dismissed! . Brophy. it goes to Australia. put it back. He's taking over my duties. -Now. -Reverend. You bet I will. It'll make a lot of kids happy. -Not at all. Colonel. -These are lovely. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. Here's the broth for Mrs. this is grand. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Yes. Miss Brewster. No.

And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. Well. -Careful of the step with the toys. Goodbye. -Good night.. if he's happy. indeed.. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. Do you remember.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. . a long time ago. and we suggested it.-Goodbye and thank you. Yes. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. -Well.. -Don't mention it. you're happy. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. and what's more important. ...it might be a change for him.. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. Young man. Martha? Once. let that be a lesson to you.. That is quite a problem. I must be going.

I didn't know when you'd be back. dear. And dinner's going to be late. . There wasn't time.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. dear. Did you just have tea? Yes. I just couldn't wait for you. And I was all alone. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. why? Good news for you. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. too. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. Dear. -But all by yourself. and Reverend Harper was coming. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place.. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes.. -I got along fine. Martha. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. -I'll run right downstairs and see.. sweet Reverend Harper. -No. So. You know. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey.

. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. If you find her hairpins.. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. -But. -This old cab has seen osculation but. There they are. Here's your hat. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. darlings. -But that was only Sunday. Mortimer. -You ain't seen anything yet. you're going to love me . But. keep them. -Take her hat.. -It's Elaine! -Hello. And her brooch. Wait a minute. right out here with everyone looking. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. I don't like that look in your eyes. Hold on to that. buddy.Well? Just look in the windowseat. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. -You've got to drive us to the station. Just throw it. Mortimer. Please! For heaven's sake! But.

.. No.. you see! You see? That's what I mean. That's what I hate about women. . You'll run his cold into a pneumonia.. Go on.. You'll see it often. I don't have to. I started packing the day after I met you. Look. There's that look again! "There's that look again. darling. . don't tell your father. He's a dear.. We've a room on the train.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. It goes just before this..for my mind. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. Yes. the bridal suite in the hotel. hurry and pack. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. too? One thing at a time. You should've seen my secretary's face. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. There. I can handle Father. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.

Hurry. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. here. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. you two old frauds. -Father may want to pray over me. We're married.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. What? Now? No. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. If you see a tall. dark streak of light. it's me. Oh. Hold on to your bustles. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. And throw in a flock . When you whistle. -It'll be a few minutes. Brewster? Good. Elaine and I are married. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Isn't it too. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. darling. hurry. Grand Central Station. open the front door fast. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. -Whistle when you're ready.

. we can have our celebration.of orange blossoms. Well. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. too. Of course. You know how your books upset him. -You won't have time to bake a cake. of course. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'll run along and get everything ready. I'm going to burn all my books. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. It's all ready. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. Did everybody know I was getting married. A taxi's waiting. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. But before you go. Oh. -And. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. dear. a wedding cake.

Yes. I'm off to Panama. thank you. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Well. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. He'd scare grownups with it. Just bully. had a character in it. you know. what a face! I remember now. Goodbye. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. President? -Bully. Hello. I know. Mortimer! -How are you. A new lock for the canal.Now you behave. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Oh. "Oh. I saw a play. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. goodbye. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. President. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. dear! . Really? A honey of a lunatic. Mr. reminded me of Jonathan. My. dear. tell the news to Mother" -Oh.

When Teddy's working on the canal. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. dear. Yes. The next thing-Hey. you can't get his mind on anything else. dear. darlings. mister. That's after we're gone. listen. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. When the curtain goes up. Well. . we talked with Reverend Harper about it. look. We know. Yes. darling! Never mind that now.Yeah. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. -There's no such hurry as that. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. I'm frightfully sorry. -You know? -Of course. Get him up here now. Now. darlings. Teddy's killed a man. but I've got an awful shock for you. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. At once! -He's in the cellar. what a play.

. Adam Hoskins. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Mortimer. don't be so inquisitive. You just forget about it. That's really all I know about him. except that he's a Methodist.. You put it in the wine? .. dear. men just don't get into windowseats and die. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. Aunt Martha. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.Now.. Wait! Stop all this. You mean you. Now look. how did he die? Mortimer. it has a distinct odor. No. Hoskins. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.. Who is he? He's a Mr. What the. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek.. When it's in tea. He died first. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice.

They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Abby. Mortimer.. We must do that.because Reverend Harper was coming. tomorrow or next day. .. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. you know all about it and just forget about it. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.Yes. That wouldn't have been very nice. Look at me. Yes. The dears.. Hoskins in the windowseat. She's much better. Schultz. darling. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Now. And I put Mr. not at tea.. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. but this time we'll go where we want to go. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. It's first-degree.

Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes.. -We'll let you lick the bowl. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. I know what his name is. You're going to bury Mr. Aunt Martha. it is. dear. dear. They have so much fun. We don't intend to. Hoskins. dear.. Whatever his name is. That's what we did with the others. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. We told you to forget the whole thing. -Stop worrying about it. -But Mr. Mortimer. Mr. digging the lock. Hodgekiss--Hoskins.. you behave. here. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to.Yes. . you can't leave him in there. Teddy's down in the cellar now. don't be so impatient. Now. I want to know what we're going to do. -We can't turn you over to the police. Look. You can't. Mortimer. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. dear. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now.

because I remember when Mr. But. dear." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Abby usually is. . No. This makes 12. she's probably right. I get them mixed up sometimes. I didn't mean-- . I think you're wrong. keep your shirt on! Elaine. Hoskins first came in. dear.. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now.-Others? -The other gentlemen. dear. Abby. Abby? No. Let me see now. dear. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. Hello. Abby. I was counting the first one. and that makes it 12. I really don't think you should count the first one.. This one is only 1 1 .. It does? Well.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.. Abby. isn't it. dear. Makes it 12. For heaven's sake. This is 1 1. When you say "others.

... you see. You mean. Midgely. .and he sat there dead in that chair. who was the first one? Mr. Martha? We made up our minds.. . We felt so sorry for him.. And then. let's see. Why... And that meant he had to be buried immediately.that if we could help other lonely... Just sit down.. Twelve! Yes.. Tell me. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. then and there. we all took him down to Panama. . Remember.to find that same peace. Abby thinks we should count the first one. when his heart attack came. . All his kith and kin were dead. He was a Baptist.....looking so peaceful...and he thought Mr..... Teddy came up from digging in Panama. dear. Never mind about that. So.Now... . He was such a lonely. old men..we would.... you poor.. Where were we? Twelve. . old gentleman. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim...

Wait a minute! Come here. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . dear.. . -Mortimer...l take one teaspoonful of arsenic...and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial... for a gallon of elderberry wine.... ... You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. ...because we know exactly what's to be done.. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. just a pinch of cyanide. darling.... No. so. Should have quite a kick.. . And then. Of course not! Well.. There. Well. As a matter of fact. dear.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it...

. Happy as a lark. Don't worry about the cake. Winchell? No. We must get that cake frosted. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. La Guardia. Singing away. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. That'd be nice. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. What am I doing with tickets? Information. darling.He did? Well. Let me see. Teddy! Of course. Winchell's no good.. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Who can I call up? Dewey.. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . a sip of.. I couldn't eat a thing. Let me see.. digging locks. Everybody knows he's crazy.. He's wonderful.

Something's happened. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. yes. I'll call you up tomorrow. dark streak of light. -How do I look? -You look fine. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. . please. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. I heard you whistle. What'd you do. What's wrong? Look at your hair. you! Thought you were tall. Brooklyn. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. Yeah.on North Shore Road. -Run on home.

darling. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. You smell so nice.If I could only tell you. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.. The police want to throw him into a state institution. very important. Judge. I've got to come over and see you right away. It's very. It won't wait until tomorrow. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does.. It's about Teddy. -Go to bed. Judge. But it's a matter of life and. about Teddy. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. We've got to do something immediately.. I'll tell you why I called you. Elaine. he's-It's his bugle blowing. You better go home! -But. A thing happened. Judge. we were married today. .

do sit down. -Well. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Don't like it. -All alone in the world? . Now. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Doorbell's ringing. dear. please. I'm Miss Brewster. It's a wonderful place. we can get him to Happy Dale. Do step in. New York. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Happy Dale. Another Miss Brewster. this would be a nice comfortable chair. I'm sorry. How do you do? Come in. I understand you've got a room to rent. -My name's Gibbs. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. we're just setting the table for dinner. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. Operator? Give me long distance. And this is my sister.

. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Well. The room's upstairs. Please. That's right. we make this ourselves.. Well. I don't think I'll like it. you've come to just the right house. -No. but the cemetery's full of them. . I can see the headlines now. -Thank you. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.-Well. "D" Iike in "dig. Martha. Well. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes." when you dig a lock. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. -Dale.. Happy Dale." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. skoal. "A" Iike in "arsenic. It's elderberry wine. I'd like to see the room. -Do sit down.

murdered.Hello. I'm not drunk. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. . it's wrong. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? ... madam.. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No... People wouldn't understand. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. Don't do that. Not that. but you've given me an idea! Darling. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. I'm nervous. What I mean is.but it's not only against the law. Oh. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. He wouldn't understand..

.. Mr.-.. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. . Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Have you had the papers drawn up? No.What? All right. Brewster. now. Thank you. Oh. Bonaparte. we want to commit him there immediately. Yes. That's too bad. operator. . if your mind is made up.. Mr. Well. Mr. Witherspoon. Oh. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. thanks.That's amazing. Mr. Witherspoon. Well. Witherspoon. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. I see. please. Of course. How do you do. dear. Thank you. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. dear. Witherspoon speaking. Brewster? How are you? Mr. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Well. if he thought that-Mr.and it would lead to trouble. do you-I'm fine. And if-Oh.

darling.. you'll do that little thing for me. Get off that thing. dear. I want you to do one thing for me. like good girls. You know I'd do anything for you.. I love you both very much.. Anyway. I'll sing with you. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. What on earth could happen to us? Well. I can't talk to you. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you.. don't you? Yes. Now listen. .Another Roosevelt. Mortimer. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. Whosit where he is. Oh. I mean. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. dear. Well. -But.. I can't concentrate. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. but I want you to promise me something. we'd have to know what it was first. darling..

I'm so happy for Elaine. Remember. Yes. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today.I'll dance with you. anything. . Sure. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. I can go faster that way. You know. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Shame! Such a nice hat. well. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. that's right. cab! Here you are. Why? He's just been married. What is it? Mr. You promise? Good. I'll sit with you! Yeah. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Oh. -Don't open it. The poor dears. What? Stop that.

Look. Drink. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Johnny. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. they're strangers to me. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. . -Do you recognize them? -No. This is the home of my youth. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. The family must still live here. dear. Come in.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. doctor. There's one up in my room. A fatted calf?. -You look. As a boy. Johnny. It's two men. -Let me look. -Are you sure? -Yes. Yes. and I've never seen them before. we'll need another hymnal. I'll go. it's a good hideout. I'm so hungry. Johnny. As if we were expected.

.. ... You just get out of here. But I've seen that face before. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. Dr. Einstein is responsible for that. It's Jonathan. No.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. his voice is like Jonathan's.A good omen. He's a plastic surgeon. Your nephew. you know. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. . You're nothing like Jonathan. so don't pretend you are. Why. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Aunt Martha. Aunt Martha.. Have you been in an accident? My face. Jonathan.. you're not. And you... .that Grandma Brewster bought in England.. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. still the high collar..

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. -Down here.. Come here. we'll bring him in through the window. six feet long. we can't just walk Mr. Bed. Spenalzo along. That's hospitality..You remember that. Rather a good joke on my aunts. I could be disagreeable.. . And it just fits Mr.. Four feet wide. We expect to be very busy... I don't have to go into details. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Spenalzo. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo in through the door. I forgot to tell you.. See the hole he's digging. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. How do we get him in here? Yes. . as a boy. Quick.

Hoskins downstairs right away. the poor dear. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. You'd better get to bed. A state secret? Yes. there's been another yellow-fever victim. Teddy.We're moving the car behind the house. I think Teddy had better take Mr. The car is all right where it is until morning. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins? Mr. And he's been so patient. a state secret. Promise? You have the word of the President . That might be against the law. No. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. He said the canal was just the right size. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. we must keep it a secret. General Goethals was very pleased. I don't want to leave it in the street.

But you must be very tired. you were out.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. You just come right along and see him now...of the United States. when everything's dark here. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. considering that he's a Methodist. . You know.when I turn out the lights. And then.. Cross my heart and hope to die.. It seems to be spreading. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. Your room is waiting for you.. I've never even seen Mr. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. he's really very nice looking.. You two run along to bed. Now. -And we don't go to bed this early. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. . . You can go right up. let's see. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.. We're bringing the luggage through here. Now get along. We've never had yellow fever there before.. Both of you. And we'll come down later and hold services.

It's dark in here. Johnny. you open the window. You go round and hand him through. . I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Just off the laboratory. -All right. Aunt Martha. All right. I'll come back later. We must be quick. Good night. Now. Yeah. And then together we take him down to Panama. Take the bags upstairs. I'll open the window. When I tap on the glass. Run along. Now! Turn out the lights. Aunt Abby. For the instruments. -I'll be right up. and I'll stay here and pull. He's all right. Aunt Abby. we'll all go to bed. But he's too heavy for me. I'll take a look around outside the house. Where am l? Here I am. You go outside and push. Doctor.-It's time I came home to take care of you.

He's so heavy. -But his shoe came off. Doctor! . quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. I mean. Go open. He's so heavy. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Now I have him. I'm not very used to it. it's Brewster. Allez. Go. wait a minute. somebody's at the door. up! Now. Now I got him. Now I've got him! Johnny. I'll manage Spenalzo. I live next door. Help me. Help me. I'm a brand-new Brewster. quick. You lost a leg somewhere. -Be careful. Hand him over. Now I have him. Mortimer. wait a minute.Who left this open? Okay.

-I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. . Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. May I present Dr... You don't live here. "That explains everything. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. they talk about you. That explains everything. It's okay. ..It's all right. -You've heard of me? -Yes. that's all. -You're Jonathan. I'm in this house every day. Now that I know who you are. And something of a magician. Einstein? Dr.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. We happen to live here.. I've never seen you before." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.

Is that why you came over here? No. No visitors. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. No! Don't be a tomboy. I'll run--You've given two names. a sneak thief. But if he's not home. It's going to be a private funeral. Charge! Doctor. I came to see Mortimer. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Go back to your room. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. -What else did you see? -Just that.I suppose it was you. Alice. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. the cellar. . that's all! I see.

I talk. "I've come back home. -Mortimer. Mortimer.-We'll call the police. he--Wait a minute. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Mortimer. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. it talks! Yes. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Mortimer. -I'll handle this. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. -What? I've come back home. Mortimer. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. darling..." Listen... Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. . Go back to your room. Einstein..when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. .. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy..

We don't take up much room. No. I'm staying here tonight. -In fact.. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. -What? -Just for tonight. Please. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. Einstein to stay. Now look. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. . Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Here's $10. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. I remember. Now. I'm staying here from now on.. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other.Yeah. We invited Jonathan and Dr. Johnny can sleep on the sofa.. Nothing to. just a moment. be a good fellow.

What? What's going to happen to Mr. I'll take care of you. in just a little while. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. -Oh.Mortimer. I've completely lost track of Mr. Mortimer. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. . I'll tell you about him. Wait! Who's this Mr. Doctor. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Don't bring anyone else in here. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Elaine. Spenalzo. Mr. beat it! It's all right. Now. you know what I do to people who order me around. darling? -I almost got killed. Johnny. While we are packing. Spenalzo. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. that.

Darling. I don't understand you. . We were married today. -You'd better run along home. He's some kind of a maniac.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. I got things to do. don't worry about it.-It was worse than that. Well. we were going over Niagara Falls. Yes. I'm here now.. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. -What? Go on home like a good girl. I can't hear the man.. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Witherspoon.. Forget it. Brewster. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. I'm afraid of him. Well.. .your brother tries to strangle me. please. . -But--Please.. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. look.... Mr. a taxi's waiting.

.. taxi. I know it's late.I've got the papers all drawn up. Let me think about this thing. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.. . Teddy.. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. signature. I'll get both signatures... What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Thank you. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. darling. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please.. windowseat. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. come right away. wedding ring. . well. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. By the way. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.put them in a barrel. Yeah. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. of course? By the doctor? Oh. Doctor. darling.

I did. . dear. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Mr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. where is Mr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins. he's mistaken. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. Yes. You admitted you put Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. you come in here now! Yes. Hoskins in the windowseat. It is not Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. Hoskins! -By the way.No.

Oh. We haven't had a minute. I'm in no mood to debate the question. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. And I've also decided that you're leaving. you admit you poisoned them! Yes.He's down there waiting for the services. Mortimer. handsome. Martha. what with Jonathan in the house. I did. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger.. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. poor dear. . Are you getting out. dear. Listen. No. and I mean now... you come straight along here. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. I've decided that we're staying. Don't.

. what happened to Mr.. darling. too. Officer. Come right in. Mortimer. Listen. Remember. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you.. Jonathan is leaving. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. You're my brother. -And this is another nephew. Put down that telephone. This is our nephew. I've got some very good news for you. Einstein and that cold companion with him. I'll have to call the police.Aunt Abby. in that case. Spenalzo can happen to you. You can't ask for more than that. -Glad to see you. do come in. you're a Brewster. And he's taking Dr. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. I owe you an apology. Well? All right. . Jonathan. -Yes. -Pleased to meet you. -No! Come in. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Don't reach for the telephone.

You can tell me all about it. . -I'll be running along. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. All three of you: you. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. If you don't leave here. Dr. I can spell like the dickens. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Mr.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. I got to ring in. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. You are? Well. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. well. Einstein and Spenalzo. This is your last chance. Officer O'Hara. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. Spenalzo. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. but I can't spell them. I'm working on a play now. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so.Your face is familiar.

Johnny. Right with you. Come. After that. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. you lose your head. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Just give me one moment. no. Now get going! All three of you. Please! Doctor. We're not going. take it easy. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Okay. We can make a fortune. Then if he tries to interfere-No. No. Johnny. we're coming back here. let's go. O'Hara. We've got a wonderful setup here. please. Two old ladies as a front. We're sleeping right here in this house. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Look. Please. I never did like Mortimer.

We're not going. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. I'll be back in a minute... You stay out of this. All right. Well. -I don't know. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. She was my mother. -My mother was an actress. Move fast. -Legitimate? Of course. -You're not going? -No. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Swell. Well. I worked on it for 12 years. If you tell O'Hara . It's no fly-by-night idea. you asked for it. Mortimer.in the cellar.. rehash it. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. Yes. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -I like the first act. we got an ace in the hole. -Excuse me.

Genius at work.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. . Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. Lowbrows.. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. Bohemian atmosphere. This opening will kill you. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . I assure you. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.what's in the windowseat. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. You'd better ring in. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's... I'll meet you there later. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place..

You won't stand me up. -Can't wait! Doctor. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo.. Perish the thought.. Jonathan. You've got to take him with you! . You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. Yes. you ring in and I'll see you later. Where are those papers? There they are.. dear aunties.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. aren't you? You think you've got it over me.Look. You haven't. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. We thought we heard you leave. When I come back.. Where do you. -I'll see you down there..will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. And speaking of services. Did he look guilty! Well. Well.. will you? This is a great play. The moment the doctor signs.. That was just Mortimer. I think we can start the services now.. You're smug. . Martha. I expect to find you gone. doctor..

They're both dead. You mean. It's one of our charities. Hoskins is no stranger. Hoskins. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. . what we've been doing is a mercy. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Hoskins--Mr. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Spenalzo. Why. Besides. Mr. Twelve graves. He must mean Mr. The cellar's crowded already. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -But Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. -Your gentlemen? Yes. there's no room for Mr. -He's one of our gentlemen. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Mr. Doctor.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him.

He died of pneumonia. What? You got 12. Spenalzo out of here. Spenalzo.. one in Phoenix. Then the first one in London...and they stay right here in Brooklyn. ... .. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. they got 12. -Thirteen. 12. That makes 13. You cannot count him. and they do just as good as you do.two in San Francisco. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world... one in Melbourne..right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. There's Mr. -No. You've done all that.. Don't brag. -Filling. You got 12. Phoenix? -The filling station. Two in Johannesburg. .So you just take your Mr. Johnny. one in Sydney. You cannot count the one in South Bend. I've got 13. . Arizona. they got 12.....

. . Dr.The old ladies is just as good as you are. but only you can help me. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.l'm sure you'd be convinced. If you'd talk with him. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. -Who? What? Did I say.. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. -You better wait. are they? Well. seeing a doctor. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. . -You wait here. that's easily taken care of. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. I'll be right back.. That's all. but I can't commit a man just on that. Gilchrist. Pull up a tombstone. Make yourself comfortable.. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween... I know Teddy blows bugles. All I need is one more.. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. Just one more. They are. This is most irregular. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home.

-Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. thanks. . of course I love you. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. the meter! "Looks good on me. looks good on you! Not the suit. Certainly. Welcome to Washington. Five more bucks and you'll own it. No. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. So far." $22. darling.50! Oh. with a Maxim silencer.-Hey. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. yes. is it not? Yes. -Mr. Not so good. President. -Do you? -Yes. It gives me a chance to rest. Well now. indeed. so good. may I present--Dr. that's that.50.50! -What? $22. It wouldn't fit me. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. $22.

if the country insists.. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. darling. Just because Teddy's strange. I probably should have told you this before.. -That's what you think. insanity runs in my family. I'll run for a third term. -What are you talking about? -Well. It's way back before Teddy.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. -Of course. but it's only a matter of time. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians..well. but you see. It practically gallops. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I can't go through with our marriage.. Doctor. that's ancient history. Darling. that doesn't mean-No.. I love you so much.. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. I don't quite know. .. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. but I won't be elected. . Darling.

. all this doesn't prove a thing. no.. Thank you. So you're crazy. No. drop in to see me at the White House. It'll just have to be undone. -Those papers.Darling. Look at your aunts. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. I. even they have their peculiarities.. -Go away. I'm crazy too. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. Just go on signing the papers. sanest people I've ever known. Well. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. but kiss me. There's no use doing what you're doing. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. go to bed! . That's the way I love you. Anytime you're in Washington. Aunt Abby. you better stop it. They're Brewsters. Goodbye. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Ambassador. What of it? So your family's crazy.

This is all fixed up nice now. -Oh.. All right.. . You're forgetting..It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Hoskins and Mr. let him. If Jonathan and Mr. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Bed feels good already. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. You know. Martha and I are going for the police.. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. I'll get them out. Nice and smooth like a lake. . Doctor.we're going for the police. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Spenalzo in together.

No. You are going to operate tomorrow. I think this calls for something special. we'll do it. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. But the quick way. perhaps. Mortimer. We'll do it tomorrow. I just heard him upstairs. Okay. Not the Melbourne method. You can see that it's got to be done. not tonight! I'm sleepy. huh? The quick twist like in London. I know that look. Look at me. Or the next day. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Doctor. My brother. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. the Melbourne method. no police! No police! Look. Okay. I think. what? . go to bed. You forget. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Doctor. Doctor.-Remember. But Johnny. No! I am tired. Johnny. can't you? Yeah.

President. I can't hear you. will you.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. . -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Mr. mice? -You get out of this house. Yes. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. Brewster. Hey. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. President. Oh. please? -What? Speak up. You already have them on. Get out. This must be secret. What is it. So I have. I see! Very clever. Johnny's in a bad mood. -Please listen to me. I can't hear you. A secret proclamation? How unusual. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. President. Don't do that. Mr. Boy. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Get out! -Stop underplaying. What a load off my mind. President. -Of course. Mr. Wait here. Mr. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Mr.

Get going. Mr. -My schnapps. Horrible things. Please go now. Heidelberg. but you go now. Only for dramatic critics. You take care of yourself.. You beat it before things start popping around here.. I'll take care of him. little fellow. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. .Are you really a doctor? Yes. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. 1919. Please. Brewster. He's a maniac! And then things happen. please. You've just been married.. But. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Stop it. You have a nice little wife waiting for you..Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Please listen to me. look. -That's mine. -What's that? Wait.he's a madman. Doc-. when Johnny's in that mood. Please. -I could use that. Don't those plays you see all the time .

. Now listen to this.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. At least people in plays act like they got sense. There's a play that's so bad. The murderer even invites him to sit down.. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. There's a man. And does he go? No. -What do you think he does? -I don't know.. He's even been warned to get out. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. Witherspoon. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. Isn't that great? So there he is. When you get out of prison. . it'll still be running when you get out. he doesn't.

. you may consider that a blessing. Now get a load of this. . I dreamt of you. but does he? No! See. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. brother Heidelberg... for me. the quick way. All he has to do is look around. This fellow's supposed to be bright. That's right. He wasn't very bright.we go to work.. Now. Look at the attitude. my dear brother. But never. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.. Doctor. in a play or even in a movie. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer.. Yes. Later on.. Mortimer. I've been away for 20 years.a fellow never sees or hears anything. In Melbourne one night. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Johnny. . . were you out of my mind.. Please.

-This must be an artistic achievement. Please! All right. -Please. Let's get it over with. Where are your manners? Yes. And then they took it. please. Mortimer. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Here. We both have a drink before we operate. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Where did they put it? I found some wine. But I cannot see this without the drink. After all. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. there was some wine. We drink to you. dead brother. That idiot! -He goes next. That's all. I'll split it with you. You remember when we came in. One moment. To my dear. Pull yourself together. But I can't pull myself together without a drink.

. The quick way. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. .. Like a flash. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. The quick way.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. We're taking the bugle away from him. I see.-We'll get to him later. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.. I'd better talk to him myself. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. It's all right. yes! If it has to be. Yeah.. -What happened to him? -Nothing.. then the quick way. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. They practically stole that from my play. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. out of a clear sky. In the second act. I'll help you. sure.

ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. a fire breaks out. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. please. "Miss Peaches La Tour. All of a sudden.He says. It's an evolving stage. You ain't heard nothing yet. It's getting you.. . .. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.. casual-like. Well. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. I'm walking along my beat. -Where have I seen that face before? -No.. -What? -I personally like it very much. I'm in great danger. My mother doesn't say they're married. see? Little do I know it. -It's probably over his head. in the meantime.. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. The scene changes.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. there's me. Growing into a magnificent specimen.

the cops! I sees the door handle turn.. -He's going to help me write my play. .. this is Mortimer Brewster.. we came to warn the old ladies.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. boys. who the heck is this? Mr. so I pulls out my gun. Brophy. Did they send you here? No. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -I heard him.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. My play put him to sleep. He says we've got to put him away someplace. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in.. That's the one that ran away. I figures I'll outsmart him.when a guy that I'm following. Brewster's brother. So he came back. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. -There's a vacant house on the corner. . Now. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge.. The neighbors are phoning in. Right in the middle of the second act. Get me Mac. -Johnny.

13. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. At the Brewster house. Leave him to me. charming old ladies. Thirteen bodies. Mr. Shall we bring him in? All right. You think my aunts are sweet. Brewster. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. -Wait a minute. I better let them know that I found you. Be careful what you say. . reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. -Come down to the cellar. We found him.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. The Lieutenant is on his way over. Brewster. you've got me. Yes. Mr. So I've been turned in? All right. It wasn't that bad. we'll hold him right here. don't you? Well. Your aunts are friends of ours. -I'll show them to you.

Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. too. Pat. You could use this in the third act. I got him. look. that's enough. Go on and fight. Look out! Fight. Everybody off. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. -Do I have to? Look at that puss.I'll show you where they're buried. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. He looks like Boris Karloff. -Yes. Amazing. Such a fine day. . -Go on down the cellar with him. That's enough. -Go to the cellar with him. I got something better. Pat. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Well. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. please. look out! Amazing. come to the cellar. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Don't bother me now.

-This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Pat. Telephone. -Witherspoon. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.The papers are all signed.. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Don't do that. . Kind of think he's wanted somewhere.. -Come in. That's fine. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Get him. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. What do I care? Go ahead. Isn't that amazing? Oh.. I've tried it before-It did. brother. That won't have any effect. fight. Wish I could relax like that. Boris. please. dear. Turn him over. Thank you very much.

pal.. Now go on... That's my brother. He says 13 bodies are there.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.. "He looked like Karloff. Report in. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane.. He's wanted.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. . I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. .you can at least read short detective stories. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. That's the way they described him. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. He's a lifer. About my not ringing in.. . You're going to have a long time on that play. too. he's wanted.. Certainly. The guy who helped him escape. You're suspended.

You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. No.Here. you've blown your last bugle. No sleep. But I'm not myself today. Nothing to eat. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. I want to question him. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Colonel. Get this gu y out of here. you. We caught him at the White House. With flatheads like you on the force. Take him out and bring him to. Howdy. Colonel. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. . Colonel. -Hey. keep out of that. -Questioning of spies is my department. This is a spy.

Captain.You're his brother. -I'm waiting for Mr. no argument. No arguments. take it easy. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Any offers? I'm Mr. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Just a minute. He's got to be put away. Look. I'm liable to think anything. No arguments. Last year there was a crazy guy. Witherspoon. -As long as he's going someplace. . started a murder rumor. I have come to get a Brewster. I know just how you feel. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. Read this.

Now. Witherspoon is here. -Hold him till I get there. Let me explain. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. -That's fine. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. Brewster? Mr. it's chicanery. I'm so glad to see you. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Never mind! Give me that pen. . This is fun. He's ready to talk. That's all right! Do that again for me. all I got to get is Witherspoon." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.Mr. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster.

You know. I've never been there. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. You never can tell.. You do? It must be a nice place. We always.And no wagon when he leaves. I sometimes envy some of our patients. Taxicabs. I have one waiting now. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. . -That's good. It means a great deal to me. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. secretly.. you know-Captain. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. Why? To take him away? Never. -The woods are full of them. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. never. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.. Witherspoon. this is Mr. Something I've been working on. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. it's a play. I shan't mind.

Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. I have good news for you. It's Mr. all signed. Let's see. your guide to Africa. my boy. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Mr. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers.. -Is this March 4? -Practically.-Come. you got it wrong. I'm on my way to Africa. Taft. Now you can take him away. Mr. Your term of office is over. -What is this? No. Aunt Martha. President. Witherspoon. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Aunt Abby. I must get started immediately. Happy man. this isn't Mr. I'll bring down my equipment.. President? Taft! No. Goodbye. This is Captain Rooney.. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well.

he can't go now! We won't permit it. we're going.It's all right. let's be sensible. you'll have to take us with him. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Why not? Why not. . I've got it. Too dangerous. -If he's going. -We won't be separated from Teddy. You've come to meet Teddy. ladies. Now. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. How can you allow this? You promised. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. he's come to take him. dear. but impossible. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. indeed? It's sweet of them. Oh. jealousy. Dissension. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. too! -Yes. We promise to take his bugle away from him. You could arrange that. -I'm sorry. haven't you? No. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. No.

. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. No. -How about it? -I'll be right there. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. . Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. The graves are all marked. Mortimer. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.. What? Yes. you wouldn't have to dig. .It ain't only his bugle blowing.and we'll get them all together.. He's been a little strange all day. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. -I'll look in that cellar. You just ask our nephew. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. -I'll tell you what we'll do. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Things are going to get worse.

-You mustn't mind him at all. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.. Smile. I put neon lights on mine. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. If we can go with Teddy. we'll sign the papers. Where are they? .who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Hasn't got it yet. Spenalzo. "There is a Happy Dale far. a Mr.. -Flowers? Sure. humor them. There's one down there. None of mine are gentlemen..-We put flowers on them every Sunday. . It's amazing. -He got married today. -Certainly. Humor them. Teddy committed himself..

Dr. if you'll sign right here. -A doctor? -Yes. Einstein. Doctor. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. A doctor. It's on the right-hand side there. Yes. Just sign right here. Come along. ladies. here. Sign them up. will you? I want this all cleaned up. please. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. please.I have them. -Good night. -Come here. dear. right here. please. -Here? -Yes. Oh. The neighborhood here has changed so. We've overlooked something. Doctor. Dr. please. Doctor? -Yes. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. -Were you leaving. I'm so sorry. Ladies. Now. I'm really looking forward to going. Dr. . Maybe I can understand him.

. Talks with a German accent. will you? About 40. Okay. Doc. It's your turn.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Mr. Witherport. Poses as a doctor. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Einstein! -Now. Read it to me. The doctor has completed the signatures. Don't mind me. But Dr. Mr. One hundred and forty pounds. on the desk. That's great! Thanks. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. You sign as next of kin. Pop eyes. yes. Mac. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Mac. Hello. Five-foot-three. -Don't play games--You sign. You've done Brooklyn a great service. It's contagious. I'm Brewster. It's all right. Thanks. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon.

you know? And bring along my bugle. Well. darling. -Well. of course. but that's just it. -It's yours. We're very happy about the whole thing. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. Duffel? Pack his duffel. Now. -Mine? You see. dear. Mortimer. don't be worried. We don't want anything to go wrong. -Me too. And you were born . dear. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook.-Spoon. -What. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. He's President. you signed as next of kin. -What's wrong about that. darling? -Martha. Come up and pack my duffel. -Here. you tell him. darling. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. Einstein--But it's not his signature. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. President.

They're off to a flying start. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. Your real father was a cook. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.about three months afterwards. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. Quiet! -But. I really did see-- .we didn't want to lose her. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon.. too. It's true.. -Goodbye. So brother married her.. .

Mortimer. Call me a cab. Mr. Yes. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. We're going to Niagara Falls. its operators. But. love. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. I'm a son of a sea cook. dear. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ .You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh.

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful