Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. Sister Martha and I are so happy. watch your language.. He's so very much in love with her.. You'd be surprised ." either.. . You know I'm not a swearing man...... No.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. Brophy. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. He used to come to see us only occasionally. dear. ... Bless you.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater...should take any man's daughter anyplace. . . I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. Don't you call them "the girls..but no man with this published attitude. at any time.. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.Their old man left them fixed for life. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. Remember now. I must be catching cold. ... Reverend Harper... and now. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room.

sir? It's nice to meet you. At ease. No. This is Officer O'Hara. You get tired of playing cards. gentlemen. Gentlemen. no. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Brophy? . we came for the toys. That's splendid work you men do. dear. what news have you brought me? Colonel. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. The toys are on the chair up here. Harper from the church next door? Hello. -Come right in. They're all packed. Splendid! Thank you. How do you do. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. I'll go. -How do you do.what they'd consider swearing. Will you excuse me? No. Thank you. Teddy. Teddy. You know the Reverend Dr. -Miss Abby. Brophy. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. Mr. the new man on the beat. we have nothing to report. by the library door. absolutely nothing to report. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. He's taking over my beat. This is Officer O'Hara.

you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. Isn't it a shame. thank you. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. still.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Teddy. Father.. He's an interesting character... I'll make a note.She's better. Sarge. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . That's right. Gentlemen. Reverend... There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her.. .. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.. But a little weak. Please don't bother.and the neighbors raised Cain. Look. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. They're afraid of him.. Now don't do that again. I promised I wouldn't swear. . Isn't it a shame. You've done so much already..

It'll make a lot of kids happy. Officer O'Hara. -Don't mention it.. how do you do? Miss Martha. -These are lovely. No. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you.. Yes.Well. Miss Brewster. Dismissed! . The Army and Navy are ready for action. Teddy. Hey. Martha. -Now. Thank you. Colonel. this is grand. Colonel. -Reverend. You bet I will.. -Thank you. -Not at all. and thank you very much. Sarge. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. put it back. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. Brophy. Here's the broth for Mrs. He's taking over my duties. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. dear. it goes to Australia. So long. -The children will go crazy. Be sure it's good and hot. you're back. now. -How do you do? -Good afternoon.

Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.. Martha? Once. . And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. -Careful of the step with the toys. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. indeed. if he's happy. Yes.. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. . and we suggested it.it might be a change for him. Young man. you're happy. That is quite a problem. -Well. we thought if he'd be George Washington.. Do you remember.. -Good night.. Goodbye. let that be a lesson to you. -Don't mention it. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Well. I must be going. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill.. a long time ago.-Goodbye and thank you.. and what's more important..

And I was all alone. dear. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes... He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. and Reverend Harper was coming. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey..to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. -But all by yourself. why? Good news for you. I just couldn't wait for you. sweet Reverend Harper. Martha. Did you just have tea? Yes. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. So. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. -No. I didn't know when you'd be back. There wasn't time. -I'll run right downstairs and see. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. too. -I got along fine. . Dear. You know. dear. And dinner's going to be late.

Wait a minute. you're going to love me . right out here with everyone looking. buddy. I don't like that look in your eyes. Hold on to that. -You ain't seen anything yet. Mortimer. Here's your hat. keep them. There they are. But. -This old cab has seen osculation but.. -But that was only Sunday. -But. darlings. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Mortimer.Well? Just look in the windowseat. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -It's Elaine! -Hello... Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. -Take her hat. If you find her hairpins. -You've got to drive us to the station. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. And her brooch. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Just throw it.

. You should've seen my secretary's face. It goes just before this... don't tell your father. That's what I hate about women. I can handle Father. You know what we're doing? Wasting time.. darling.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. We've a room on the train. I don't have to. Yes. Look. I started packing the day after I met you... No. You'll see it often. the bridal suite in the hotel. Go on. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. There. you see! You see? That's what I mean. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. too? One thing at a time. There's that look again! "There's that look again.for my mind.. hurry and pack. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. He's a dear. . .

Brewster? Good. hurry. What? Now? No. When you whistle. If you see a tall. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. open the front door fast.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Hurry. -Father may want to pray over me. Hold on to your bustles. -It'll be a few minutes. Elaine and I are married. And throw in a flock . We're married. dark streak of light. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. -Whistle when you're ready. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Grand Central Station. it's me. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. darling. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. Oh. Isn't it too. you two old frauds. here.

I'll let the Reverend light the first match. Oh. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. dear. But before you go. Of course. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. A taxi's waiting. -You won't have time to bake a cake. I'll run along and get everything ready. You know how your books upset him. -And. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. Did everybody know I was getting married. Well. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. too. a wedding cake. we can have our celebration. We're going to Niagara Falls. . I'm going to burn all my books. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. It's all ready. of course.of orange blossoms. And we'll invite a few neighbors in.

reminded me of Jonathan. Yes. dear! . You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Mortimer! -How are you. A new lock for the canal. thank you. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Oh. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. He'd scare grownups with it. Just bully. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Really? A honey of a lunatic. My. what a face! I remember now. I'm off to Panama. you know. President.Now you behave. I know. had a character in it. "Oh. Hello. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. I saw a play. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. goodbye. dear. Goodbye. Mr. President? -Bully. Mr.

-You know? -Of course. darling! Never mind that now. When Teddy's working on the canal. listen. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. darlings. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. That's after we're gone. Get him up here now. mister. dear. I'm frightfully sorry. . At once! -He's in the cellar. Well. Yes. but I've got an awful shock for you. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. Yes. you can't get his mind on anything else. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes.Yeah. darlings. dear. We know. look. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Teddy's killed a man. The next thing-Hey. the first thing you see is a dead body. -There's no such hurry as that. what a play. When the curtain goes up.

Forget you ever saw the gentleman. dear.. Hoskins.. Aunt Martha. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Wait! Stop all this. What the. You put it in the wine? . don't be so inquisitive. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. Mortimer. men just don't get into windowseats and die.. Adam Hoskins. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. You just forget about it. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. Who is he? He's a Mr. When it's in tea. Now look.. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. You mean you. except that he's a Methodist. That's really all I know about him.Now. No. He died first. how did he die? Mortimer.. it has a distinct odor..

Mortimer. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. Now. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . you know all about it and just forget about it. And I put Mr. darling. Look at me. Hoskins in the windowseat. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs.Yes. It's first-degree.because Reverend Harper was coming. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. but this time we'll go where we want to go. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. . She's much better. That wouldn't have been very nice.. The dears. Abby.. We must do that. not at tea. Schultz. Yes. tomorrow or next day. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people.

-We'll let you lick the bowl. We don't intend to. They have so much fun. You're going to bury Mr. Hoskins. I know what his name is. Mr. -But Mr. Mortimer. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. We told you to forget the whole thing. dear. you behave. dear. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. you can't leave him in there. digging the lock. Aunt Martha.. . Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. dear. -We can't turn you over to the police. Mortimer. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Hodgekiss--Hoskins.Yes. it is. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. You can't. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. dear. -Stop worrying about it. That's what we did with the others. I want to know what we're going to do. here.. don't be so impatient. Whatever his name is. Look.. Teddy's down in the cellar now. Now.

Hoskins first came in. Abby. because I remember when Mr." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. No.. Let me see now. dear.-Others? -The other gentlemen. I get them mixed up sometimes. keep your shirt on! Elaine. Abby usually is. dear.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. dear. Abby? No. Abby.. When you say "others.. I really don't think you should count the first one. she's probably right. isn't it. For heaven's sake. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. But. It does? Well. I think you're wrong. dear. I didn't mean-- . Makes it 12. This is 1 1. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. dear.. This makes 12. Hello. I was counting the first one. . Abby. This one is only 1 1 . and that makes it 12.

. Why. .looking so peaceful....we would.. Martha? We made up our minds.. Twelve! Yes. you see. We felt so sorry for him. Remember. Teddy came up from digging in Panama.. . Never mind about that...... . . . Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. when his heart attack came.Now. old men.... . you poor.. All his kith and kin were dead.. we all took him down to Panama. And then. Just sit down. dear. So. who was the first one? Mr.. Where were we? Twelve... He was such a lonely. Abby thinks we should count the first one..that if we could help other lonely.and he thought Mr.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. He was a Baptist.and he sat there dead in that chair.... You mean.to find that same peace. Tell me. old gentleman. .. And that meant he had to be buried immediately... Midgely. let's see. then and there.

As a matter of fact.because we know exactly what's to be done. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it. And then.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. dear. .. so..... Wait a minute! Come here. ... What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.. Well.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. Of course not! Well. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves....... Should have quite a kick. No.. . just a pinch of cyanide.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.. for a gallon of elderberry wine.. -Mortimer. dear. darling. There. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " ... ..

Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman .. I couldn't eat a thing. Don't worry about the cake. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. We must get that cake frosted. That'd be nice.. Teddy! Of course. He's wonderful. darling.He did? Well.. Let me see. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Let me see. Winchell's no good.. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. a sip of.. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Winchell? No. Who can I call up? Dewey. Everybody knows he's crazy. digging locks. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. La Guardia. Happy as a lark. Singing away. What am I doing with tickets? Information..

dark streak of light. Yeah. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. Brooklyn. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. -Run on home. . What's wrong? Look at your hair. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. please. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. I heard you whistle. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. yes. I'll call you up tomorrow. Something's happened. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear.on North Shore Road. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. you! Thought you were tall. What'd you do. -How do I look? -You look fine.

If I could only tell you. he's-It's his bugle blowing. I've got to come over and see you right away.. about Teddy. we were married today. It's about Teddy. . We've got to do something immediately. Elaine. darling. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Judge. I'll tell you why I called you. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry.. It won't wait until tomorrow. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.. Judge. It's very. But it's a matter of life and. -Go to bed. A thing happened. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. You better go home! -But. The police want to throw him into a state institution. Judge. You smell so nice. very important.

dear. Now. Happy Dale. Don't like it. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Do step in. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. It's a wonderful place. please. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. How do you do? Come in. Doorbell's ringing. Operator? Give me long distance. -Well. Another Miss Brewster. -My name's Gibbs. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. I understand you've got a room to rent. New York. do sit down. I'm sorry. And this is my sister. we can get him to Happy Dale. this would be a nice comfortable chair.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. -All alone in the world? . I'm Miss Brewster. we're just setting the table for dinner.

"D" Iike in "dig. I'd like to see the room. skoal.-Well. "A" Iike in "arsenic." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. -Do sit down. I don't think I'll like it. . -Dale. we make this ourselves. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. I can see the headlines now. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. It's elderberry wine." when you dig a lock. you've come to just the right house. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it.. Martha. The room's upstairs. -No. Well. but the cemetery's full of them. Happy Dale. -Thank you. Well.. Well. That's right. Please.. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes.

Hello.. but you've given me an idea! Darling.. Oh. He wouldn't understand. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .. I'm not drunk. Not that. People wouldn't understand. murdered. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look... What I mean is. Don't do that. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. it's wrong. madam.. I'm nervous.but it's not only against the law. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.. .

How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Witherspoon. I see. thanks. Well.-. Witherspoon. operator. Thank you. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Of course.and it would lead to trouble. Brewster. Oh. we want to commit him there immediately. How do you do. if he thought that-Mr. do you-I'm fine. dear. Well.What? All right. Mr.. And if-Oh. Witherspoon speaking.That's amazing. dear. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. if your mind is made up. please. Bonaparte. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. That's too bad. Oh... Well. Mr. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Mr. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. now. Thank you. .. Witherspoon. Mr. Yes. .

Another Roosevelt. Oh. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. .. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. I'll sing with you. dear. but I want you to promise me something. I love you both very much. you'll do that little thing for me.. -But. I can't talk to you. don't you? Yes. Anyway. Whosit where he is. dear. Get off that thing. Mortimer.. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. What on earth could happen to us? Well. darling. You know I'd do anything for you.. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you.. we'd have to know what it was first. darling. I can't concentrate. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. Now listen. Well. like good girls. I want you to do one thing for me. I mean.. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is.

don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Sure. Oh. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Yes. cab! Here you are. anything. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Shame! Such a nice hat. I'm so happy for Elaine. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. that's right. -Don't open it. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. You promise? Good.I'll dance with you. I can go faster that way. Why? He's just been married. . What? Stop that. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. well. What is it? Mr. You know. Remember. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. The poor dears. I'll sit with you! Yeah.

I'll go. we'll need another hymnal. -Do you recognize them? -No. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. . This is the home of my youth.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. The family must still live here. -You look. they're strangers to me. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. A fatted calf?. As a boy. Yes. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Drink. it's a good hideout. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. dear. As if we were expected. and I've never seen them before. -Are you sure? -Yes. It's two men. Johnny. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. -Let me look. I'm so hungry. Johnny. doctor. Come in. There's one up in my room. Look. Johnny.

.. . No. And you.. . Have you been in an accident? My face.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. still the high collar.. He's a plastic surgeon. Jonathan. Dr... you know. It's Jonathan.A good omen. his voice is like Jonathan's.. Your nephew. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. Why..that Grandma Brewster bought in England. Einstein is responsible for that. Aunt Martha.. You're nothing like Jonathan. . so don't pretend you are. you're not. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Aunt Martha. You just get out of here.. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. But I've seen that face before.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. And it just fits Mr. Spenalzo along. -Down here. Quick. Spenalzo.. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. we'll bring him in through the window. I forgot to tell you. Come here. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Four feet wide. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. . Spenalzo in through the door.. See the hole he's digging. I could be disagreeable.You remember that. Rather a good joke on my aunts.. I don't have to go into details. six feet long.. We expect to be very busy. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. Bed. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.. How do we get him in here? Yes. we can't just walk Mr. as a boy. That's hospitality..

The car is all right where it is until morning. No. I think Teddy had better take Mr. That might be against the law. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. Teddy. You'd better get to bed. the poor dear. And he's been so patient. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. A state secret? Yes. Hoskins downstairs right away. He said the canal was just the right size. I don't want to leave it in the street. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. we must keep it a secret. Promise? You have the word of the President . General Goethals was very pleased. Hoskins? Mr. there's been another yellow-fever victim.We're moving the car behind the house. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. What are we going to do about Mr. a state secret.

Cross my heart and hope to die.. We're bringing the luggage through here.. he's really very nice looking. And then. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. . Both of you. You just come right along and see him now. You know. when everything's dark here..when I turn out the lights. you were out.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. Now get along. I've never even seen Mr.. You two run along to bed. Now. considering that he's a Methodist.. But you must be very tired. -And we don't go to bed this early... . let's see. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy.of the United States. You can go right up.. It seems to be spreading. Your room is waiting for you. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. And we'll come down later and hold services. . We've never had yellow fever there before. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.

It's dark in here. When I tap on the glass. He's all right. Run along. -I'll be right up. Now. But he's too heavy for me. Take the bags upstairs. I'll take a look around outside the house. You go outside and push. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Aunt Martha. Now! Turn out the lights. Where am l? Here I am. And then together we take him down to Panama. . I'll come back later. we'll all go to bed. We must be quick. Doctor. For the instruments. Yeah. All right. I'll open the window. You go round and hand him through. Aunt Abby.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Johnny. -All right. Just off the laboratory. and I'll stay here and pull. you open the window. Good night. Aunt Abby.

I'm a brand-new Brewster. Go open. wait a minute. He's so heavy. You lost a leg somewhere. up! Now. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. -Be careful. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Mortimer. Now I've got him! Johnny. wait a minute. somebody's at the door. Help me. Allez. Hand him over. Go. I'll manage Spenalzo. Help me. Now I have him. Now I have him. quick. He's so heavy. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. I'm not very used to it. -But his shoe came off.Who left this open? Okay. I live next door. Doctor! . Now I got him. I mean. it's Brewster.

-What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. . -You're Jonathan. Einstein? Dr." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I've never seen you before. I'm in this house every day. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster... Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. You don't live here. May I present Dr. they talk about you.. . Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door.. It's okay. -You've heard of me? -Yes. "That explains everything. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.It's all right. And something of a magician. We happen to live here. Now that I know who you are. that's all. That explains everything.

No! Don't be a tomboy. . But if he's not home. It's going to be a private funeral. Go back to your room. -What else did you see? -Just that. I'll run--You've given two names.I suppose it was you. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. Charge! Doctor. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. No visitors. I came to see Mortimer. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. the cellar. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. that's all! I see. a sneak thief. Is that why you came over here? No. Alice. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes.

. .. -Mortimer. darling." Listen. "I've come back home. . What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.. Einstein. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr.. Mortimer. Mortimer. it talks! Yes. I talk. -What? I've come back home. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Mortimer. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. -I'll handle this. he--Wait a minute. Mortimer.. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother..-We'll call the police.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Go back to your room.. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer.

How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. We don't take up much room. Einstein to stay. Please. Nothing to. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Now look.. Now. I'm staying here from now on.. We invited Jonathan and Dr. I remember. No. . -In fact. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. I'm staying here tonight. -What? -Just for tonight. just a moment. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.Yeah.. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. be a good fellow. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Here's $10.

Spenalzo. you know what I do to people who order me around. Wait! Who's this Mr. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Spenalzo. While we are packing. What? What's going to happen to Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. Don't bring anyone else in here. -Oh. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. I'll tell you about him. that. beat it! It's all right. . Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Elaine. Doctor. Mr. Now. Mortimer. I've completely lost track of Mr. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. in just a little while. Johnny.Mortimer. -Killed? Aunt Abby. I'll take care of you. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat.

a taxi's waiting. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Brewster. He's some kind of a maniac. I'm afraid of him. we were going over Niagara Falls. .. Witherspoon.your brother tries to strangle me.. Yes. .. Forget it. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. please. -But--Please. Mr. -What? Go on home like a good girl..-It was worse than that. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.. I'm here now. I can't hear the man. .. don't worry about it.. I don't understand you. Well. We were married today. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. I got things to do. Darling.. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Well. -You'd better run along home. look.

Thank you. I'll get both signatures. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. darling. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. . wedding ring. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. signature. well.. .put them in a barrel.I've got the papers all drawn up. Teddy. taxi.. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. come right away. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please... darling. of course? By the doctor? Oh.. Let me think about this thing. I know it's late.. Doctor. By the way. Yeah. windowseat. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please..

Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Hoskins in the windowseat. he's mistaken. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Mr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. It is not Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. you come in here now! Yes.No. Hoskins. I did. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. . where is Mr. You admitted you put Mr. Yes. Hoskins! -By the way. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. dear.

We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. I did. you come straight along here. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. Are you getting out. poor dear.. and I mean now. I've decided that we're staying. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. Martha. No. dear. Mortimer. Don't. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you.He's down there waiting for the services. . Listen. I'm in no mood to debate the question. We haven't had a minute. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. what with Jonathan in the house. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. handsome... But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. Oh. And I've also decided that you're leaving.

Jonathan is leaving. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. This is our nephew. Mortimer.. Remember.. And he's taking Dr. Spenalzo can happen to you. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. You're my brother. Put down that telephone. -Yes.. Jonathan. Listen. I owe you an apology. -Pleased to meet you. do come in.Aunt Abby. you're a Brewster. -And this is another nephew. in that case. Well? All right. Come right in. -No! Come in. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. -Glad to see you. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. too. darling. You can't ask for more than that. I'll have to call the police. Don't reach for the telephone. . what happened to Mr. I've got some very good news for you. Officer.

You can tell me all about it. Dr. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. Officer O'Hara. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. I can spell like the dickens. This is your last chance. . Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. Einstein and Spenalzo. You are? Well. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. I'm working on a play now. Spenalzo. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. but I can't spell them. -I'll be running along. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright.Your face is familiar. If you don't leave here. I got to ring in. Mr. well. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. All three of you: you.

Look. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Please. we're coming back here. Just give me one moment. I never did like Mortimer. Okay. O'Hara. let's go. Come. take it easy. please. After that. We've got a wonderful setup here. Right with you. you lose your head. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Only Mortimer stands in our way. Two old ladies as a front. We're sleeping right here in this house. Please! Doctor. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. We can make a fortune. No. We're not going.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Johnny. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Now get going! All three of you. no. Johnny. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Then if he tries to interfere-No. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you.

You stay out of this. Well..in the cellar. -Excuse me. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. She was my mother. -I like the first act. All right. -My mother was an actress. you asked for it. I'll be back in a minute. Yes. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. It's no fly-by-night idea. Mortimer. If you tell O'Hara . -Swell. Well. rehash it. we got an ace in the hole. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. -You're not going? -No. Move fast. We're not going. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -I don't know... -Legitimate? Of course. I worked on it for 12 years. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes.

Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. Genius at work. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. I'll meet you there later. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. This opening will kill you.. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Lowbrows. You'd better ring in. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.. .what's in the windowseat. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . I assure you. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.. Bohemian atmosphere.

.. Jonathan. And speaking of services.. Perish the thought. Did he look guilty! Well. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. You've got to take him with you! . I don't care who knows about Hoskins. You won't stand me up. -I'll see you down there. will you? This is a great play.. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's.. you ring in and I'll see you later. The moment the doctor signs. -Can't wait! Doctor. Where are those papers? There they are. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. Martha. dear aunties. Well.Look. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Yes. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. doctor... That was just Mortimer. I think we can start the services now.. I expect to find you gone. We thought we heard you leave.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.. You haven't. Where do you. You're smug. .. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. When I come back.

Spenalzo. -Your gentlemen? Yes. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Mr. Hoskins. Why. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. . Twelve graves. Besides. He must mean Mr. Hoskins--Mr. It's one of our charities. They're both dead. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins is no stranger. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. -He's one of our gentlemen. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. there's no room for Mr. Doctor. what we've been doing is a mercy.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. -But Mr. The cellar's crowded already. You mean. Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet.

He died of pneumonia. Arizona. they got 12. Phoenix? -The filling station.So you just take your Mr. You've done all that. There's Mr.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. Spenalzo. Then the first one in London. and they do just as good as you do. Spenalzo out of here. they got 12.. -No. You cannot count the one in South Bend... Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. . .. 12..... Johnny.. -Thirteen. one in Melbourne. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. Two in Johannesburg. That makes 13. .. What? You got 12.. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. one in Phoenix.two in San Francisco. I've got 13. one in Sydney.. Don't brag.. . You cannot count him. You got 12.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful.. -Filling.

Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. This is most irregular. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. That's all.The old ladies is just as good as you are. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. -You better wait. I'll be right back. . Pull up a tombstone. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. If you'd talk with him. but only you can help me..l'm sure you'd be convinced. are they? Well. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. seeing a doctor. Gilchrist. Just one more. Dr. Make yourself comfortable. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. -You wait here.. that's easily taken care of. They are. but I can't commit a man just on that.. . -Who? What? Did I say. I know Teddy blows bugles. All I need is one more.... The pixies won't be out till after midnight..

50! -What? $22. darling. the meter! "Looks good on me. may I present--Dr. Certainly. so good. Five more bucks and you'll own it. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes.50. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. with a Maxim silencer. It gives me a chance to rest. indeed. Not so good.50! Oh. .-Hey. of course I love you. Well now. So far. that's that. It wouldn't fit me. President. yes. Welcome to Washington. No. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. -Do you? -Yes. is it not? Yes. -Mr." $22. thanks. looks good on you! Not the suit. $22.

That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. if the country insists. It practically gallops. Darling. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell..Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. . Doctor. I'll run for a third term. darling.well. but it's only a matter of time. It's way back before Teddy.. . I love you so much.. but you see. insanity runs in my family. Darling. I can't go through with our marriage.. I probably should have told you this before. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I don't quite know. but I won't be elected. that's ancient history. -Of course. Just because Teddy's strange... -That's what you think.. that doesn't mean-No. -What are you talking about? -Well. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.

There's no use doing what you're doing. Aunt Abby. drop in to see me at the White House. It'll just have to be undone. Anytime you're in Washington.. Just go on signing the papers. I. -Those papers. -Go away. Well.. all this doesn't prove a thing. you better stop it. even they have their peculiarities.Darling. What of it? So your family's crazy. Look at your aunts. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. go to bed! . Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. I'm crazy too. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. Thank you. They're Brewsters. sanest people I've ever known. So you're crazy. but kiss me. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. Goodbye. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Ambassador.. No. That's the way I love you. no.

we're going for the police. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. You know.. Martha and I are going for the police. Spenalzo in together. Nice and smooth like a lake. All right. let him. -Oh. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. I'll get them out. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours.. Bed feels good already.. Doctor. . Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. Hoskins and Mr. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. If Jonathan and Mr. You're forgetting. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning.. This is all fixed up nice now. .

I know that look. Or the next day. Doctor. I think this calls for something special. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. the Melbourne method. Doctor. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. we'll do it. Okay. No! I am tired. Johnny. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. My brother. go to bed. Look at me. We'll do it tomorrow. what? . I think. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Doctor. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. Not the Melbourne method. I just heard him upstairs. But Johnny. perhaps.-Remember. You can see that it's got to be done. No. huh? The quick twist like in London. Okay. But the quick way. no police! No police! Look. You forget. can't you? Yeah. You are going to operate tomorrow. Mortimer.

I can't hear you. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Brewster. Boy. A secret proclamation? How unusual. President. So I have. Mr. Hey. You already have them on. Oh. . I can't hear you. Yes. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. -Please listen to me. What a load off my mind. Get out. Wait here. could I use a drink! -Get out of here.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. -I'll put on my signing clothes. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. What is it. -Of course. This must be secret. Mr. Mr. Johnny's in a bad mood. mice? -You get out of this house. President. Mr. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Mr. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. please? -What? Speak up. will you. Don't do that. President. I see! Very clever. President.

Please go now. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. look. -What's that? Wait. -My schnapps. . Brewster... Stop it. please.. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Mr. But. -I could use that. Horrible things.. -That's mine. You take care of yourself. Don't those plays you see all the time .Are you really a doctor? Yes. 1919. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Please listen to me. Doc-.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Heidelberg.he's a madman. Please. I'll take care of him. Only for dramatic critics. but you go now. You've just been married. Get going. You beat it before things start popping around here. when Johnny's in that mood. Please. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. little fellow.

Isn't that great? So there he is. He's even been warned to get out. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. When you get out of prison.. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. . What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. he doesn't. Witherspoon. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. At least people in plays act like they got sense. And does he go? No. There's a man. The murderer even invites him to sit down. it'll still be running when you get out. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. Now listen to this.. There's a play that's so bad..teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it.

The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer... But never.. The big dope! You were right about that fellow..Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Yes. in a play or even in a movie. but does he? No! See. .a fellow never sees or hears anything. Johnny. That's right. I've been away for 20 years. This fellow's supposed to be bright. for me. were you out of my mind. . Please. Now. Now get a load of this.. Look at the attitude.. brother Heidelberg. In Melbourne one night.. . I dreamt of you. All he has to do is look around. you may consider that a blessing. Doctor. Mortimer. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. my dear brother.. He wasn't very bright. Later on. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. the quick way.we go to work.

-This must be an artistic achievement. Where did they put it? I found some wine. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. Pull yourself together. Here. To my dear. Let's get it over with. We drink to you. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Where are your manners? Yes. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . And then they took it. After all. One moment. -Please. dead brother. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. there was some wine. But I cannot see this without the drink. That idiot! -He goes next. please. Please! All right. I'll split it with you. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. We both have a drink before we operate. Mortimer. You remember when we came in. That's all.

sure.-We'll get to him later. We're taking the bugle away from him. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. then the quick way. In the second act.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. They practically stole that from my play. .. I see. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. I'd better talk to him myself. It's all right. I'll help you. yes! If it has to be. The quick way. -What happened to him? -Nothing. The quick way.. . The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play.. out of a clear sky. Yeah. Like a flash. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody.

That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. casual-like. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. see? Little do I know it. The scene changes. there's me. You ain't heard nothing yet. Well. a fire breaks out. ... -It's probably over his head. It's getting you. "Miss Peaches La Tour.. I'm walking along my beat. Growing into a magnificent specimen..He says. -What? -I personally like it very much. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. It's an evolving stage. I'm in great danger. . -Where have I seen that face before? -No. please.. My mother doesn't say they're married. in the meantime.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me.. All of a sudden.

-There's a vacant house on the corner. That's the one that ran away. boys. -I heard him. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. we came to warn the old ladies..... I figures I'll outsmart him. The neighbors are phoning in. Brophy.when a guy that I'm following. Did they send you here? No. So he came back.. -Johnny. Now. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. . -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. so I pulls out my gun. He says we've got to put him away someplace. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. . Right in the middle of the second act. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. Brewster's brother. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Get me Mac.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath.. who the heck is this? Mr. this is Mortimer Brewster. My play put him to sleep. -He's going to help me write my play.

13. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. you've got me. charming old ladies. It wasn't that bad. -I'll show them to you. I better let them know that I found you. Thirteen bodies. We found him. Brewster. -Come down to the cellar. At the Brewster house. Your aunts are friends of ours. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. Leave him to me. -Wait a minute. Brewster. . reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. we'll hold him right here. Shall we bring him in? All right. So I've been turned in? All right. You think my aunts are sweet. Yes. Mr. Be careful what you say. The Lieutenant is on his way over. don't you? Well. Mr. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind.

Pat. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. That's enough. Well. Amazing. that's enough. Look out! Fight. Such a fine day. Don't! Sarge! Look out. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. come to the cellar. . -Yes. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. please. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. too. Don't bother me now. look out! Amazing. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. -Go to the cellar with him. You could use this in the third act.I'll show you where they're buried. look. I got something better. Everybody off. He looks like Boris Karloff. Go on and fight. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. -Go on down the cellar with him. Pat. I got him.

Get him. That's fine. please. Wish I could relax like that. -Come in.. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Don't do that. What do I care? Go ahead. Thank you very much. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well.The papers are all signed. Isn't that amazing? Oh. Turn him over. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Telephone. Pat. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. -Witherspoon. fight. Boris.. brother.. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. dear. I've tried it before-It did. . That won't have any effect. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense.

In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. he's wanted. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. . Thirteen bodies in the cellar.. pal. Now go on.. . I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. . He says 13 bodies are there. "He looked like Karloff.you can at least read short detective stories... The guy who helped him escape..and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks.. Report in. too. You're going to have a long time on that play. About my not ringing in." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. That's my brother... I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. You're suspended. He's a lifer. That's the way they described him. He's wanted. Certainly.

But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. No. No sleep. Colonel. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. But I'm not myself today. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. -Hey. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in.Here. Howdy. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. This is a spy. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. . keep out of that. Take him out and bring him to. you. Nothing to eat. I want to question him. With flatheads like you on the force. Colonel. -Questioning of spies is my department. We caught him at the White House. Colonel. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Get this gu y out of here. you've blown your last bugle.

He's got to be put away. I have come to get a Brewster. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Witherspoon. I know just how you feel. Last year there was a crazy guy. There's people dumb enough to believe that. started a murder rumor.You're his brother. No arguments. Captain. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. take it easy. Read this. -As long as he's going someplace. . I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. No arguments. Look. Any offers? I'm Mr. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. I'm liable to think anything. Just a minute. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. -I'm waiting for Mr. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. no argument. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle.

it's chicanery. . -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Never mind! Give me that pen. -That's fine. This is fun. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. I'm so glad to see you. Brewster? Mr. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Let me explain. -Hold him till I get there. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. He's ready to talk. That's all right! Do that again for me. Now. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. all I got to get is Witherspoon.Mr. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Witherspoon is here.

You do? It must be a nice place. -The woods are full of them. it's a play. I shan't mind. secretly. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. You never can tell. this is Mr. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. never. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale.. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. . I have one waiting now. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. We always.. I've never been there. It means a great deal to me.And no wagon when he leaves. -That's good. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. Something I've been working on. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. You know. Taxicabs. Why? To take him away? Never. you know-Captain. Witherspoon.. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. I sometimes envy some of our patients.

all signed. -What is this? No. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Let's see. I must get started immediately.-Come. Goodbye. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. -Is this March 4? -Practically. President? Taft! No. Witherspoon. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. my boy. you got it wrong. Happy man. Now you can take him away. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Taft. President. Mr. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. This is Captain Rooney.. this isn't Mr. It's Mr.. I have good news for you. Aunt Martha.. I'm on my way to Africa. your guide to Africa. Mr. I'll bring down my equipment. Aunt Abby. Your term of office is over. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! .

jealousy. . Dissension. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. he's come to take him. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. -If he's going. We promise to take his bugle away from him. indeed? It's sweet of them. we're going. Too dangerous. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Now. haven't you? No. let's be sensible. Why not? Why not. dear. You've come to meet Teddy. you'll have to take us with him. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Oh. ladies. I've got it. -I'm sorry. How can you allow this? You promised. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. but impossible. -We won't be separated from Teddy. You could arrange that. too! -Yes.It's all right. he can't go now! We won't permit it. No.

. you wouldn't have to dig. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. He's been a little strange all day..It ain't only his bugle blowing. and we'll send them to Happy Dale.. No. You just ask our nephew. -How about it? -I'll be right there. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. .and we'll get them all together. -I'll look in that cellar. What? Yes. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. The graves are all marked. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. . Things are going to get worse. Mortimer. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. -I'll tell you what we'll do. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.

-We put flowers on them every Sunday.. -Flowers? Sure.. -Certainly. a Mr. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. I put neon lights on mine. humor them.. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Spenalzo.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. . we'll sign the papers.. If we can go with Teddy. There's one down there. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Humor them. "There is a Happy Dale far. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Where are they? . None of mine are gentlemen. Hasn't got it yet. Smile. It's amazing. -You mustn't mind him at all. -He got married today. Teddy committed himself.

. I'm really looking forward to going. Sign them up. We've overlooked something. -Good night. dear. Maybe I can understand him. -A doctor? -Yes. please.I have them. Now. -Were you leaving. ladies. Doctor. if you'll sign right here. please. Doctor? -Yes. Oh. The neighborhood here has changed so. Come along. -Here? -Yes. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. please. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Dr. Dr. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Ladies. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Yes. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. right here. Just sign right here. here. will you? I want this all cleaned up. please. I'm so sorry. Dr. -Come here. Einstein. A doctor. It's on the right-hand side there. Doctor.

Mac. will you? About 40. Pop eyes. Five-foot-three. Einstein! -Now. It's all right. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Talks with a German accent. . Doc. Thanks.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. yes. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Read it to me. It's your turn. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Hello. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Don't mind me. One hundred and forty pounds. Mac. That's great! Thanks. But Dr. You sign as next of kin. Mr. Poses as a doctor. The doctor has completed the signatures. Mr. I'm Brewster. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Witherport. -Don't play games--You sign. on the desk. It's contagious. Okay.

darling. And you were born . Now. -What's wrong about that. -Mine? You see. We're very happy about the whole thing. don't be worried. -Well. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. you know? And bring along my bugle. Mortimer.-Spoon. -What. Come up and pack my duffel. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. darling. Einstein--But it's not his signature. Well. -It's yours. of course. He's President. -Here. President. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. dear. but that's just it. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. -Me too. you signed as next of kin. darling? -Martha. you tell him. We don't want anything to go wrong. Duffel? Pack his duffel. dear.

So brother married her. They're off to a flying start.. . -Goodbye.. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. It's true.we didn't want to lose her. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. too. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it..about three months afterwards. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. Quiet! -But. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Your real father was a cook. I really did see-- .

But. Yes. Mr. its operators. We're going to Niagara Falls. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Call me a cab. dear. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ .You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mortimer. I'm a son of a sea cook. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. love.

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