Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

.. . .. Don't you call them "the girls.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week... Bless you.but no man with this published attitude.. Sister Martha and I are so happy. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't... at any time. He used to come to see us only occasionally.. watch your language. Brophy.should take any man's daughter anyplace... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. You know I'm not a swearing man.. Reverend Harper... That's their way of digging up people to do good to. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. I must be catching cold.Their old man left them fixed for life.. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. and now.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.." either. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. He's so very much in love with her.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. dear.. . You'd be surprised .. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. No. Remember now. .. .

At ease.what they'd consider swearing. Thank you. absolutely nothing to report. no. Teddy. He's taking over my beat. Brophy. sir? It's nice to meet you. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. Splendid! Thank you. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. Gentlemen. You know the Reverend Dr. The toys are on the chair up here. I'll go. -Come right in. Mr. -Miss Abby. we came for the toys. what news have you brought me? Colonel. by the library door. That's splendid work you men do. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. No. Teddy. -How do you do. You get tired of playing cards. dear. This is Officer O'Hara. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Will you excuse me? No. How do you do. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. the new man on the beat. we have nothing to report. gentlemen. They're all packed. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Brophy? . This is Officer O'Hara.

Look. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. I promised I wouldn't swear. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. Now don't do that again.and the neighbors raised Cain. Isn't it a shame. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her... I'll make a note. He's an interesting character. .. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Gentlemen.. .. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore.. Reverend. Sarge. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. They're afraid of him. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. Teddy. Father. thank you. That's right.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. But a little weak. still. Please don't bother.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .. You've done so much already.She's better... Isn't it a shame.

Brophy. -Thank you. this is grand. how do you do? Miss Martha. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Colonel.. Dismissed! .Well. Yes. Colonel.. put it back. Teddy. Miss Brewster. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. So long. -Don't mention it. you're back. dear. Officer O'Hara. Sarge. Be sure it's good and hot. It'll make a lot of kids happy. -Now. Thank you. Here's the broth for Mrs. -Not at all. He's taking over my duties. -The children will go crazy. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. -Reverend. Martha. No. Hey. it goes to Australia. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. The Army and Navy are ready for action. -These are lovely. You bet I will. and thank you very much. -How do you do? -Good afternoon.. now.

Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. I must be going. -Don't mention it. and we suggested it.-Goodbye and thank you. indeed.. -Good night. Do you remember. -Careful of the step with the toys.. Well. . That is quite a problem. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. -Well. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone... if he's happy... and what's more important. Goodbye. Martha? Once. Yes. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.it might be a change for him. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.. a long time ago... . let that be a lesson to you. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. Young man. you're happy.

. dear. Did you just have tea? Yes. There wasn't time. too. and Reverend Harper was coming. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. You know. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. -I got along fine. -No. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. sweet Reverend Harper. why? Good news for you. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. So. I just couldn't wait for you. -But all by yourself.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. And I was all alone. Martha. dear.. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. I didn't know when you'd be back. And dinner's going to be late... Dear.

keep them.. Wait a minute. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. If you find her hairpins. Mortimer. -But.Well? Just look in the windowseat. There they are. And her brooch. Hold on to that. I don't like that look in your eyes. -You've got to drive us to the station. But. -Take her hat.. darlings.. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Just throw it. -This old cab has seen osculation but. -But that was only Sunday. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -It's Elaine! -Hello. -You ain't seen anything yet. right out here with everyone looking. Please! For heaven's sake! But. you're going to love me . buddy. Mortimer. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Here's your hat.

darling. We've a room on the train. There's that look again! "There's that look again. you see! You see? That's what I mean. too? One thing at a time. Go on. Look... That's what I hate about women. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there.for my mind. You should've seen my secretary's face. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. . I started packing the day after I met you. don't tell your father.. He's a dear. It goes just before this. I can handle Father. hurry and pack... Yes. Mortimer! " You better get used to it..and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel.. I don't have to. You'll see it often. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. the bridal suite in the hotel. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. There. No. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. .

Brewster? Good. -It'll be a few minutes. When you whistle. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Oh. dark streak of light. If you see a tall. Isn't it too. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Hurry. Elaine and I are married. Did you send those roses to Mrs. -Whistle when you're ready. -Father may want to pray over me. Grand Central Station. And throw in a flock . What? Now? No. here. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. darling. you two old frauds. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Hold on to your bustles. We're married. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. hurry. it's me. open the front door fast.

Well. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. You know how your books upset him. dear. We're going to Niagara Falls. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. -You won't have time to bake a cake. A taxi's waiting. It's all ready. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. Oh. Did everybody know I was getting married. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. I'm going to burn all my books. . of course. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. we can have our celebration. But before you go. too. I'll run along and get everything ready. Of course.of orange blossoms. a wedding cake. -And.

I'm off to Panama.Now you behave. reminded me of Jonathan. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. I saw a play. dear. Oh. you know. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Mr. Mortimer! -How are you. had a character in it. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. thank you. A new lock for the canal. goodbye. "Oh. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. dear! . President. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Yes. Just bully. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. what a face! I remember now. President? -Bully. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Well. My. Hello. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Goodbye. He'd scare grownups with it. I know.

dear. . darlings. We know. At once! -He's in the cellar. Well. -You know? -Of course. you can't get his mind on anything else. look. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. I'm frightfully sorry. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. darling! Never mind that now. what a play. dear.Yeah. Teddy's killed a man. listen. Get him up here now. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. darlings. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. The next thing-Hey. When the curtain goes up. mister. That's after we're gone. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Yes. but I've got an awful shock for you. Now. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. the first thing you see is a dead body. Yes. When Teddy's working on the canal. -There's no such hurry as that.

. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. men just don't get into windowseats and die. You put it in the wine? . dear.. Hoskins. except that he's a Methodist.. Wait! Stop all this. He died first.Now. Now look. how did he die? Mortimer. When it's in tea. Aunt Martha. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Who is he? He's a Mr.. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.. What the. You just forget about it. That's really all I know about him. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. it has a distinct odor. don't be so inquisitive. Adam Hoskins. Mortimer.. You mean you. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. No.

Yes... We must do that. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . darling. The dears. tomorrow or next day. She's much better. Look at me. . It's first-degree.Yes. Schultz. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Now. That wouldn't have been very nice. but this time we'll go where we want to go. not at tea. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. Mortimer. And I put Mr. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. you know all about it and just forget about it..because Reverend Harper was coming. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Abby.. Hoskins in the windowseat.

Look. Teddy's down in the cellar now. you behave. -Stop worrying about it. dear. Mr. That's what we did with the others. -We'll let you lick the bowl. dear. Whatever his name is. Mortimer. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. I know what his name is. -We can't turn you over to the police. You're going to bury Mr. dear. you can't leave him in there. They have so much fun. Aunt Martha. Mortimer. I want to know what we're going to do. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. here. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. digging the lock. You can't. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. don't be so impatient. We told you to forget the whole thing. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. it is.Yes. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. dear... We don't intend to. Hoskins. -But Mr. .. Now. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now.

dear.. Abby usually is. When you say "others. Makes it 12.. Hello. Abby. and that makes it 12. For heaven's sake. dear. dear.. This makes 12. I didn't mean-- . I get them mixed up sometimes. keep your shirt on! Elaine. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. I really don't think you should count the first one. But." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. This one is only 1 1 . No. It does? Well. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. Abby? No.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. I think you're wrong.. . dear. she's probably right. This is 1 1. Hoskins first came in.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Let me see now. dear. because I remember when Mr. Abby. isn't it. Abby. I was counting the first one.

..and he thought Mr. we all took him down to Panama.Now..we would.. .. then and there. You mean.. He was such a lonely.to find that same peace. Martha? We made up our minds... he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. you poor. Teddy came up from digging in Panama.. Abby thinks we should count the first one. .. . . . Just sit down.... Remember.. .. you see. All his kith and kin were dead.looking so peaceful. Tell me. So.. Why.that if we could help other lonely......... Midgely. old men. Twelve! Yes. let's see.. Never mind about that. who was the first one? Mr.. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.and he sat there dead in that chair. old gentleman. We felt so sorry for him. He was a Baptist. .. dear. And then.. Where were we? Twelve. when his heart attack came..

now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it... Should have quite a kick.. dear... .and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.. -Mortimer. There. . . just a pinch of cyanide.. Of course not! Well. darling. Wait a minute! Come here..then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. Well. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things... No. for a gallon of elderberry wine...l take one teaspoonful of arsenic.. As a matter of fact.. dear. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. so. And then........ .because we know exactly what's to be done. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.

Let me see... we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Everybody knows he's crazy... wasn't that nice of him? Abby. We must get that cake frosted. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Who can I call up? Dewey. He's wonderful. Happy as a lark. Don't worry about the cake. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this.. Winchell's no good. Let me see. a sip of. Winchell? No. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim.. Singing away. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. That'd be nice. What am I doing with tickets? Information. La Guardia. digging locks.He did? Well. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . darling. Teddy! Of course. I couldn't eat a thing.

-Run on home. . What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. What's wrong? Look at your hair. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. What'd you do. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. I'll call you up tomorrow. yes. Yeah. dark streak of light.on North Shore Road. please. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. -How do I look? -You look fine. you! Thought you were tall. Something's happened. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Brooklyn. I heard you whistle.

Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.. -Go to bed.. It's very. . But it's a matter of life and.If I could only tell you. he's-It's his bugle blowing. very important. darling. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. about Teddy. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Judge.. You better go home! -But. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. Judge. The police want to throw him into a state institution. A thing happened. It won't wait until tomorrow. Elaine. We've got to do something immediately. You smell so nice. Judge. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. we were married today. It's about Teddy. I'll tell you why I called you. I've got to come over and see you right away.

Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Another Miss Brewster. we can get him to Happy Dale.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. -All alone in the world? . Doorbell's ringing. New York. Now. this would be a nice comfortable chair. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. -Well. Don't like it. Happy Dale. It's a wonderful place. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. dear. we're just setting the table for dinner. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. please. I understand you've got a room to rent. Do step in. do sit down. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. -My name's Gibbs. I'm Miss Brewster. Operator? Give me long distance. How do you do? Come in. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. I'm sorry. And this is my sister.

we make this ourselves. -Thank you. That's right. Well. Well." when you dig a lock. -No.-Well. but the cemetery's full of them. I'd like to see the room.. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. The room's upstairs. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Happy Dale. It's elderberry wine. I can see the headlines now. skoal. -Dale.. -Do sit down." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. I don't think I'll like it. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it.. Martha. you've come to just the right house. Well. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Please. . "D" Iike in "dig. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes.

This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . . Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. murdered. People wouldn't understand. but you've given me an idea! Darling. Oh. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. I'm nervous... it's wrong.. madam.Hello.but it's not only against the law.... Not that. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is. Don't do that.. I'm not drunk.

Mr. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Witherspoon.What? All right. How do you do. do you-I'm fine. Brewster? How are you? Mr. thanks. if your mind is made up.That's amazing. Of course. Mr. Thank you. . . We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. That's too bad. operator. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. dear. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Mr. we want to commit him there immediately. Well. please. if he thought that-Mr. Oh.. Thank you.and it would lead to trouble.. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Brewster. I see. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Witherspoon speaking.. Well. Yes. Well. And if-Oh. Witherspoon. Mr. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them.. dear. Oh. Witherspoon. now.-. Bonaparte.

won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. Oh.. What on earth could happen to us? Well.. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner.. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. dear. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. Mortimer. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. we'd have to know what it was first. . like good girls. Get off that thing. I want you to do one thing for me. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Whosit where he is. I love you both very much. Now listen. I'll sing with you. I can't concentrate. -But. I mean.. Well. dear. You know I'd do anything for you.. darling. darling. but I want you to promise me something. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything.Another Roosevelt. you'll do that little thing for me.. Anyway. don't you? Yes. I can't talk to you.

I'll sit with you! Yeah. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. well. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. that's right. Why? He's just been married. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Sure. . anything. The poor dears. Oh. I'm so happy for Elaine. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. -Don't open it. I can go faster that way. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today.I'll dance with you. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. You promise? Good. What is it? Mr. What? Stop that. Yes. cab! Here you are. You know. Shame! Such a nice hat. Remember.

I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. Johnny. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. -You look. it's a good hideout. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Johnny. Yes. This is the home of my youth. The family must still live here. -Do you recognize them? -No. and I've never seen them before.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. As if we were expected. I'm so hungry. Johnny. A fatted calf?. they're strangers to me. There's one up in my room. It's two men. . -Are you sure? -Yes. Come in. I'll go. -Let me look. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. dear. we'll need another hymnal. Drink. doctor. As a boy. Look. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home.

his voice is like Jonathan's. you know. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. It's Jonathan. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. . Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. Jonathan. ... But I've seen that face before.that Grandma Brewster bought in England...A good omen. so don't pretend you are. Your nephew. Aunt Martha... Why.. He's a plastic surgeon. you're not. Einstein is responsible for that. Aunt Martha. Dr.. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.. Have you been in an accident? My face. . still the high collar. No. You're nothing like Jonathan.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.. And you. You just get out of here.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

.. . as a boy. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.. I could be disagreeable. Come here...You remember that.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. Four feet wide.. Quick. How do we get him in here? Yes. See the hole he's digging. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. We expect to be very busy.. Rather a good joke on my aunts. six feet long. Spenalzo. we can't just walk Mr. Bed. Spenalzo along. I forgot to tell you. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Spenalzo in through the door. And it just fits Mr. I don't have to go into details. we'll bring him in through the window.. That's hospitality. -Down here.

I think Teddy had better take Mr. A state secret? Yes. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. we must keep it a secret. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General.We're moving the car behind the house. That might be against the law. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. No. You'd better get to bed. the poor dear. And he's been so patient. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. a state secret. The car is all right where it is until morning. there's been another yellow-fever victim. I don't want to leave it in the street. Promise? You have the word of the President . He said the canal was just the right size. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins? Mr. General Goethals was very pleased. Hoskins downstairs right away. Teddy.

I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours.of the United States. Both of you. . Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. We're bringing the luggage through here.. You know. he's really very nice looking.. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. . Your room is waiting for you. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. Now. And then. considering that he's a Methodist. Now get along.. Cross my heart and hope to die. You two run along to bed.. We've never had yellow fever there before. I've never even seen Mr... You just come right along and see him now. -And we don't go to bed this early.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal.. But you must be very tired. when everything's dark here. And we'll come down later and hold services. You can go right up. you were out. let's see. It seems to be spreading.when I turn out the lights. .

-All right. Run along. When I tap on the glass. .-It's time I came home to take care of you. Now! Turn out the lights. Doctor. Now. Take the bags upstairs. He's all right. You go outside and push. you open the window. We must be quick. I'll open the window. Where am l? Here I am. Aunt Abby. I'll take a look around outside the house. For the instruments. Just off the laboratory. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. But he's too heavy for me. Johnny. It's dark in here. Aunt Martha. we'll all go to bed. -I'll be right up. All right. Good night. And then together we take him down to Panama. I'll come back later. Aunt Abby. and I'll stay here and pull. Yeah. You go round and hand him through.

Who left this open? Okay. Help me. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. wait a minute. Allez. You lost a leg somewhere. quick. wait a minute. Doctor! . Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Now I got him. it's Brewster. He's so heavy. Help me. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. -But his shoe came off. up! Now. Now I've got him! Johnny. I'll manage Spenalzo. Now I have him. Now I have him. He's so heavy. -Be careful. Go. I'm not very used to it. I mean. I live next door. Go open. Mortimer. somebody's at the door. Hand him over.

that's all. It's okay." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. You don't live here. they talk about you.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. We happen to live here.. May I present Dr. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. . "That explains everything. -You're Jonathan. And something of a magician. I've never seen you before. Einstein? Dr. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. . Now that I know who you are. That explains everything. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. I'm in this house every day... -You've heard of me? -Yes..It's all right. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction.

a sneak thief. Charge! Doctor. I came to see Mortimer. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. . I'll run--You've given two names. It's going to be a private funeral. Go back to your room. -What else did you see? -Just that.I suppose it was you. the cellar. that's all! I see. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Alice. No! Don't be a tomboy. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. But if he's not home. No visitors. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. Is that why you came over here? No. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter.

. I talk. "I've come back home. he--Wait a minute. -I'll handle this. Einstein.. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Go back to your room. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Jonathan! -I've come back home." Listen.-We'll call the police. -Mortimer. Mortimer.. it talks! Yes. Mortimer. ... Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. darling.. Mortimer. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer.. Mortimer. -What? I've come back home. .when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails.

I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. I remember. -What? -Just for tonight.. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Einstein to stay. be a good fellow. Nothing to. . Please. Now look. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Here's $10. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on..Yeah. I'm staying here tonight. We don't take up much room. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. Now. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. -In fact. just a moment. We invited Jonathan and Dr. No. I'm staying here from now on. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other..

beat it! It's all right. Wait! Who's this Mr. Mortimer. Johnny. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Doctor. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Mr. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. darling? -I almost got killed. that. I'll tell you about him. Elaine. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat.Mortimer. . How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. I've completely lost track of Mr. -Oh. in just a little while. Don't bring anyone else in here. While we are packing. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Now. Spenalzo. Spenalzo. I'll take care of you. -Killed? Aunt Abby.

we were going over Niagara Falls. Forget it. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. He's some kind of a maniac.. Brewster. Well. Yes. don't worry about it. ... But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat.. Mr. look.. please. Well. I'm afraid of him. -You'd better run along home.. -But--Please. a taxi's waiting. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. I got things to do.. I can't hear the man. Witherspoon.. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Darling. I'm here now.-It was worse than that. We were married today.your brother tries to strangle me. I don't understand you. . .

. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.I've got the papers all drawn up. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.. I'll get both signatures. well. Thank you. windowseat.. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please.. Doctor. By the way. of course? By the doctor? Oh. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.. Yeah. Let me think about this thing. come right away. I know it's late. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. . Teddy.put them in a barrel. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. wedding ring. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. darling. darling. signature. taxi.. .

. You admitted you put Mr. he's mistaken. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. It is not Mr. Hoskins! -By the way. Hoskins. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Yes. I did. you come in here now! Yes. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. dear. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins in the windowseat.No. where is Mr. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor.

Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. Are you getting out. We haven't had a minute. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Mortimer. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. Don't. and I mean now. handsome. Oh. No. dear. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. I did. what with Jonathan in the house. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. you come straight along here. Listen. Martha. I'm in no mood to debate the question. . I've decided that we're staying.. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. And I've also decided that you're leaving.. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral..He's down there waiting for the services. poor dear.

Don't reach for the telephone. I'll have to call the police. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Mortimer. Listen. Well? All right. do come in. Remember.Aunt Abby. I've got some very good news for you. And he's taking Dr. in that case. what happened to Mr. -Glad to see you. you're a Brewster. -And this is another nephew. -Yes. I owe you an apology. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you.. . Jonathan.. Spenalzo can happen to you. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Put down that telephone. Officer.. -No! Come in. You can't ask for more than that. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Come right in. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. too. darling. Einstein and that cold companion with him. -Pleased to meet you. Jonathan is leaving. You're my brother. This is our nephew.

You are? Well. Dr. This is your last chance. I'm working on a play now. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. If you don't leave here. All three of you: you. Officer O'Hara. well. Spenalzo. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. You can tell me all about it.Your face is familiar. I got to ring in. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. -I'll be running along. Einstein and Spenalzo. but I can't spell them.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. I can spell like the dickens. . Mr. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves.

Two old ladies as a front.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. O'Hara. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Come. Now get going! All three of you. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. But we've got trouble enough as it is. please. take it easy. We can make a fortune. Okay. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Then if he tries to interfere-No. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. We've got a wonderful setup here. no. We're sleeping right here in this house. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Right with you. No. Please! Doctor. Just give me one moment. Johnny. Look. let's go. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Johnny. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. We're not going. you lose your head. After that. I never did like Mortimer. we're coming back here. Please.

Move fast. We're not going. we got an ace in the hole. -Swell.. I'll be back in a minute. Mortimer. You stay out of this. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. -I don't know. Well. If you tell O'Hara . -Legitimate? Of course. -You're not going? -No.in the cellar. She was my mother.. rehash it. you asked for it. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. Well. Yes. I worked on it for 12 years. All right. It's no fly-by-night idea.. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -My mother was an actress. -Excuse me. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -I like the first act.

I assure you. . There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Genius at work. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.. Bohemian atmosphere. You'd better ring in. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.what's in the windowseat.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. I'll meet you there later.. This opening will kill you. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Lowbrows. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .

you ring in and I'll see you later.Look.. Where are those papers? There they are.. -Can't wait! Doctor. will you? This is a great play. Yes.. Where do you.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.. -I'll see you down there. You won't stand me up. I think we can start the services now.. You haven't. When I come back. You've got to take him with you! ... You're smug. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. The moment the doctor signs... Jonathan. . aren't you? You think you've got it over me. Martha. We thought we heard you leave. Perish the thought. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. I expect to find you gone.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. And speaking of services. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Did he look guilty! Well. doctor. That was just Mortimer. Well. dear aunties.

He must mean Mr. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins--Mr. Spenalzo. It's one of our charities. Besides. Mr. Hoskins. Doctor. . And he's no friend of Mortimer's.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. The cellar's crowded already. They're both dead. Why. -But Mr. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Mr. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. what we've been doing is a mercy. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Twelve graves. Hoskins is no stranger. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. there's no room for Mr. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. You mean. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. -He's one of our gentlemen.

. Spenalzo out of here.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. 12. one in Melbourne. What? You got 12. . Two in Johannesburg. You cannot count him... You've done all that...right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. Johnny. -Thirteen. they got 12.. -No.. You got 12. He died of pneumonia.. That makes 13. -Filling.So you just take your Mr. Spenalzo. You cannot count the one in South Bend.. . Johnny! We've been chased all over the world.two in San Francisco. one in Phoenix.. There's Mr... . I've got 13. Arizona.. they got 12. .. one in Sydney. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. and they do just as good as you do. Then the first one in London.. Phoenix? -The filling station. Don't brag.

Gilchrist. that's easily taken care of. They are. .. All I need is one more. are they? Well. Just one more.. That's all. Pull up a tombstone. The pixies won't be out till after midnight..l'm sure you'd be convinced.The old ladies is just as good as you are. If you'd talk with him. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. but I can't commit a man just on that. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. Make yourself comfortable.. .. -You wait here. I'll be right back. -Who? What? Did I say. This is most irregular. seeing a doctor. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.. I know Teddy blows bugles. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. -You better wait. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. but only you can help me. Dr..

So far. of course I love you. yes.-Hey. Certainly. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. so good. President. with a Maxim silencer. that's that. the meter! "Looks good on me. Well now. looks good on you! Not the suit. -Do you? -Yes. Not so good. It gives me a chance to rest. -Mr. may I present--Dr. Welcome to Washington. indeed. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year.50! -What? $22. .50. Five more bucks and you'll own it. is it not? Yes.50! Oh. No. It wouldn't fit me." $22. $22. thanks. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. darling. The doctor would like to have a few words with you.

Darling.. -That's what you think.. that doesn't mean-No. Doctor. I'll run for a third term. -Of course.. . would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Darling. I can't go through with our marriage. -What are you talking about? -Well. darling.. It's way back before Teddy. I don't quite know. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. if the country insists. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.. but I won't be elected. It practically gallops. I love you so much. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. insanity runs in my family.. but you see. . that's ancient history.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling.well. but it's only a matter of time. Just because Teddy's strange.. I probably should have told you this before.

Aunt Abby. Anytime you're in Washington. Ambassador.. Look at your aunts. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. all this doesn't prove a thing. Just go on signing the papers.. I'm crazy too. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. no. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Thank you. I. -Go away. you better stop it. What of it? So your family's crazy. No. There's no use doing what you're doing.Darling. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. Well. drop in to see me at the White House. They're Brewsters. That's the way I love you.. So you're crazy. It'll just have to be undone. Goodbye. sanest people I've ever known. but kiss me. -Those papers. go to bed! . even they have their peculiarities.

The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. If Jonathan and Mr. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. I'll get them out.we're going for the police.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.. -Oh. All right. Hoskins and Mr. Spenalzo in together. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. This is all fixed up nice now. Doctor. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. let him. You know. .. You're forgetting. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police.. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Nice and smooth like a lake. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. . Bed feels good already.. Martha and I are going for the police.

It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Look at me. Mortimer. perhaps. But the quick way. I just heard him upstairs. Doctor. No.-Remember. I think this calls for something special. You are going to operate tomorrow. we'll do it. Doctor. Not the Melbourne method. the Melbourne method. go to bed. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. can't you? Yeah. You forget. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. You can see that it's got to be done. But Johnny. Doctor. We'll do it tomorrow. Okay. what? . I think. My brother. no police! No police! Look. No! I am tired. Johnny. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. I know that look. Okay. Or the next day. not tonight! I'm sleepy. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. huh? The quick twist like in London.

Mr. mice? -You get out of this house. Wait here. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Get out. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Get out! -Stop underplaying. You already have them on. please? -What? Speak up. This must be secret. Mr. Don't do that. Johnny's in a bad mood. I can't hear you. Oh. President. Mr. President.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. I can't hear you. Hey. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Mr. Yes. President. -Please listen to me. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. . Mr. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. What is it. A secret proclamation? How unusual. What a load off my mind. Brewster. President. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. I see! Very clever. will you. -Of course. So I have. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Boy.

Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. -What's that? Wait. 1919. -I could use that. You beat it before things start popping around here. Heidelberg. Please. . Mr. You take care of yourself. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Please listen to me. Please go now. please. but you go now... Doc-.. You've just been married. little fellow. Stop it. Horrible things. when Johnny's in that mood. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Brewster. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Don't those plays you see all the time .. look. Please. -My schnapps.he's a madman. I'll take care of him. But.Are you really a doctor? Yes. -That's mine. Get going. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Only for dramatic critics.

Isn't that great? So there he is. .. And does he go? No. The murderer even invites him to sit down. He's even been warned to get out. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. Witherspoon.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. Now listen to this. When you get out of prison.. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. At least people in plays act like they got sense. There's a play that's so bad. There's a man. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. it'll still be running when you get out. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard.. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. he doesn't.

. I dreamt of you. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Yes. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. This fellow's supposed to be bright. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.a fellow never sees or hears anything.. my dear brother. were you out of my mind. Mortimer. you may consider that a blessing... In Melbourne one night.. Later on. but does he? No! See. I've been away for 20 years.. . He wasn't very bright. Now. Doctor. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. Look at the attitude. Now get a load of this. for me.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. That's right. in a play or even in a movie. brother Heidelberg. The big dope! You were right about that fellow.. the quick way.we go to work. All he has to do is look around. Please. . But never. Johnny.. .

we're performing before a very distinguished critic. That's all. Where are your manners? Yes. please. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . After all. I'll split it with you. Please! All right. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. We drink to you. We both have a drink before we operate. To my dear. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. That idiot! -He goes next. Let's get it over with. Pull yourself together. dead brother. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. there was some wine. Mortimer. Here. And then they took it. Where did they put it? I found some wine. You remember when we came in. -Please. But I cannot see this without the drink. One moment.-This must be an artistic achievement.

You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up.. sure. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. -What happened to him? -Nothing.. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. It's all right. We're taking the bugle away from him. Yeah. . The quick way. In the second act. . I'll help you. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.-We'll get to him later. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. Like a flash. They practically stole that from my play. yes! If it has to be.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.. The quick way. I'd better talk to him myself. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. then the quick way.. out of a clear sky. I see.

. I'm walking along my beat. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. please. casual-like. My mother doesn't say they're married. -It's probably over his head. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. there's me. Well. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. see? Little do I know it. "Miss Peaches La Tour.. I'm in great danger. It's an evolving stage. -What? -I personally like it very much. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. in the meantime... The scene changes.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. Growing into a magnificent specimen. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. . a fire breaks out. . What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. You ain't heard nothing yet.. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry..He says. It's getting you. All of a sudden.

. That's the one that ran away. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in.. -There's a vacant house on the corner. He says we've got to put him away someplace. Brewster's brother. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Did they send you here? No. we came to warn the old ladies. Brophy. I figures I'll outsmart him. -Johnny. who the heck is this? Mr. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. Now. The neighbors are phoning in. the cops! I sees the door handle turn.. this is Mortimer Brewster...braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. . So he came back. My play put him to sleep. so I pulls out my gun. Get me Mac.. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -He's going to help me write my play..when a guy that I'm following. boys. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. Right in the middle of the second act. -I heard him. .

Mr. charming old ladies. So I've been turned in? All right. you've got me. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. You think my aunts are sweet. . -Come down to the cellar. Yes.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. I better let them know that I found you. Mr. The Lieutenant is on his way over. Shall we bring him in? All right. Brewster. -Wait a minute. It wasn't that bad. Brewster. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. We found him. -I'll show them to you. Thirteen bodies. Be careful what you say. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. Your aunts are friends of ours. At the Brewster house. Leave him to me. we'll hold him right here. 13. don't you? Well. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward.

-Go on down the cellar with him. Pat. -Go to the cellar with him. too. Such a fine day. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. look out! Amazing. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. That's enough. look. please. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Amazing. Don't bother me now. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Look out! Fight. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. You could use this in the third act. Well. that's enough. Go on and fight. I got him. -Yes. come to the cellar. . He looks like Boris Karloff. Everybody off. Pat. Don't! Sarge! Look out. I got something better.I'll show you where they're buried. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun.

. brother. That's fine. . I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. dear. Thank you very much. please. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Turn him over. -Witherspoon. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Boris.. I've tried it before-It did. Isn't that amazing? Oh. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. That won't have any effect. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.The papers are all signed. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. Pat.. Wish I could relax like that. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. What do I care? Go ahead. Don't do that. -Come in. Get him. fight. Telephone.

he's wanted.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. too... ." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. That's the way they described him. You're going to have a long time on that play. He says 13 bodies are there. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. He's a lifer.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. Now go on. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.you can at least read short detective stories... The guy who helped him escape. About my not ringing in. You're suspended.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.. Report in.. .. That's my brother. pal. Certainly. "He looked like Karloff. He's wanted. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. .

But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Colonel. This is a spy. Get this gu y out of here. No. Howdy. Take him out and bring him to. keep out of that. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. Colonel. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. you've blown your last bugle. With flatheads like you on the force. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Colonel. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. -Questioning of spies is my department. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. We caught him at the White House. I want to question him. But I'm not myself today. -Hey. you. No sleep. . I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Who are you? What's your name? Usually.Here. Nothing to eat.

Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. Captain. No arguments. No arguments. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. -As long as he's going someplace. He's got to be put away. Just a minute. no argument. take it easy. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. There's people dumb enough to believe that. Look. Read this. -I'm waiting for Mr. I'm liable to think anything. I have come to get a Brewster. . -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Any offers? I'm Mr. started a murder rumor. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Last year there was a crazy guy.You're his brother. I know just how you feel. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Witherspoon. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good.

Brewster? Mr. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. He's ready to talk. Witherspoon is here. -That's fine. I'm so glad to see you. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. That's all right! Do that again for me. -Hold him till I get there. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Never mind! Give me that pen. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. it's chicanery. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Let me explain. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. . all I got to get is Witherspoon.Mr. Now. This is fun.

Witherspoon. . I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. I've never been there.. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. You do? It must be a nice place. I shan't mind. -The woods are full of them. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. Taxicabs. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. you know-Captain. You never can tell. You know. this is Mr. never. Something I've been working on. We always. Why? To take him away? Never. it's a play.And no wagon when he leaves. I have one waiting now.. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I sometimes envy some of our patients.. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. secretly. -That's good. It means a great deal to me.

I'm on my way to Africa. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Your term of office is over. your guide to Africa. Happy man. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. this isn't Mr. It's Mr. This is Captain Rooney. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Mr. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Goodbye. you got it wrong... I must get started immediately. Taft. President. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Now you can take him away. Aunt Martha. I have good news for you.. Mr. Let's see. all signed. President? Taft! No. I'll bring down my equipment. Aunt Abby. Witherspoon. -What is this? No. my boy.-Come.

Oh. Now. -If he's going. -We won't be separated from Teddy. No. We promise to take his bugle away from him. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. indeed? It's sweet of them. too! -Yes. ladies. he's come to take him. -I'm sorry. You could arrange that. Dissension.It's all right. dear. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. . The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. we're going. he can't go now! We won't permit it. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Too dangerous. haven't you? No. but impossible. How can you allow this? You promised. let's be sensible. jealousy. I've got it. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Why not? Why not. you'll have to take us with him. You've come to meet Teddy.

The graves are all marked. Things are going to get worse... Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. -How about it? -I'll be right there. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. You just ask our nephew.and we'll get them all together. -I'll tell you what we'll do. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.It ain't only his bugle blowing. -I'll look in that cellar. No. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. Mortimer. and we'll send them to Happy Dale.. . you wouldn't have to dig. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. . What? Yes. He's been a little strange all day.

None of mine are gentlemen. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. we'll sign the papers. -Certainly.. Hasn't got it yet.. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. . far away "There is a Happy" He got it. It's amazing.. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. Spenalzo. There's one down there. Humor them. humor them. Teddy committed himself. -You mustn't mind him at all. Where are they? . If we can go with Teddy. -He got married today. "There is a Happy Dale far.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Smile. -Flowers? Sure.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. I put neon lights on mine.. a Mr.

-Here? -Yes. Einstein. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Doctor. Yes. please.I have them. -Were you leaving. The neighborhood here has changed so. Dr. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Doctor. . It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Doctor? -Yes. will you? I want this all cleaned up. if you'll sign right here. please. -Good night. Dr. dear. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. A doctor. Come along. It's on the right-hand side there. I'm so sorry. please. -Come here. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Sign them up. Dr. Oh. I'm really looking forward to going. Just sign right here. right here. We've overlooked something. Ladies. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. -A doctor? -Yes. Now. ladies. please. here. Maybe I can understand him.

Witherport. Mac. Poses as a doctor. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Pop eyes. You sign as next of kin. will you? About 40. Thanks. It's your turn. One hundred and forty pounds. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Okay. Read it to me. I'm Brewster. yes. The doctor has completed the signatures.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. -Don't play games--You sign. Einstein! -Now. Hello. It's all right. Mac. Don't mind me. It's contagious. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Talks with a German accent. . Mr. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Five-foot-three. Doc. on the desk. That's great! Thanks. Mr. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. But Dr.

-What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. We're very happy about the whole thing. He's President. darling? -Martha. Mortimer. Come up and pack my duffel. Now. darling. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. We don't want anything to go wrong. Well. And you were born . Duffel? Pack his duffel. -Mine? You see. but that's just it. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. darling. -It's yours. President. you know? And bring along my bugle. Einstein--But it's not his signature. -Me too. -Here. don't be worried. dear. of course. -What's wrong about that. dear. you tell him. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -Well. -What.-Spoon. you signed as next of kin.

darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. Your real father was a cook. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. .about three months afterwards. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. -Goodbye. Quiet! -But.. I really did see-- . You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. too.we didn't want to lose her. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. It's true. They're off to a flying start.. So brother married her.

I'm a son of a sea cook. dear. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Mr. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. But. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. We're going to Niagara Falls. love. its operators. Yes.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Call me a cab. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Mortimer.