Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

Brophy. He's so very much in love with her. dear. ... Don't you call them "the girls.but no man with this published attitude... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. Remember now.... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. Reverend Harper. .. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room... Bless you.Their old man left them fixed for life.should take any man's daughter anyplace. . You'd be surprised . .. You know I'm not a swearing man.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week..." either.. at any time. He used to come to see us only occasionally... watch your language.. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. and now. I must be catching cold.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. No.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. . It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.. Sister Martha and I are so happy..

They're all packed. I'll go. Teddy. Splendid! Thank you. The toys are on the chair up here. dear. we came for the toys. Brophy? . Harper from the church next door? Hello. This is Officer O'Hara. Teddy. Thank you. -How do you do. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. -Come right in. by the library door. Gentlemen. sir? It's nice to meet you.what they'd consider swearing. the new man on the beat. You get tired of playing cards. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. -Miss Abby. no. what news have you brought me? Colonel. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. You know the Reverend Dr. That's splendid work you men do. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. This is Officer O'Hara. No. How do you do. Mr. Will you excuse me? No. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. At ease. absolutely nothing to report. He's taking over my beat. gentlemen. we have nothing to report. Brophy.

Isn't it a shame.. That's right. Sarge. thank you.She's better. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. You've done so much already. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Reverend. Teddy. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . . Now don't do that again. They're afraid of him. Isn't it a shame..and the neighbors raised Cain. still. I'll make a note. Look. Father.. I promised I wouldn't swear. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt..it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.. Please don't bother. Gentlemen... Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. He's an interesting character. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute... but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.. .. But a little weak.

Officer O'Hara. You bet I will. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. and thank you very much. Here's the broth for Mrs. this is grand. Martha. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Brophy. Miss Brewster. how do you do? Miss Martha. -Reverend. -These are lovely. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. No. -Thank you. -The children will go crazy. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon.Well. So long.. Sarge. Thank you. Colonel. it goes to Australia. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Dismissed! . Yes. -Now. -Don't mention it. put it back. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Colonel. Hey. now. dear. He's taking over my duties. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. Be sure it's good and hot. you're back.. -Not at all. Teddy..

-Good night.. I must be going.-Goodbye and thank you. we thought if he'd be George Washington. -Don't mention it.. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. indeed.it might be a change for him. let that be a lesson to you. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone... -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. you're happy. Yes. and we suggested it.. and what's more important. a long time ago.. Goodbye.. . Martha? Once. -Careful of the step with the toys. That is quite a problem. -Well. if he's happy. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy.. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Do you remember. . Well.. Young man.

to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. I just couldn't wait for you. So. dear.. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. Dear. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. why? Good news for you. There wasn't time. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. dear. -But all by yourself. -I got along fine. . sweet Reverend Harper. too.. You know. -I'll run right downstairs and see. and Reverend Harper was coming. I didn't know when you'd be back.. -No. And I was all alone. Did you just have tea? Yes. Martha. And dinner's going to be late.

-But. -It's Elaine! -Hello. I don't like that look in your eyes. keep them. -But that was only Sunday. Mortimer.. -Take her hat. darlings. Hold on to that. And her brooch. There they are. Mortimer. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -This old cab has seen osculation but. -You ain't seen anything yet. -You've got to drive us to the station. Wait a minute. you're going to love me . He did? What did he say? -He was against it. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. right out here with everyone looking. Here's your hat.Well? Just look in the windowseat. Please! For heaven's sake! But. buddy. If you find her hairpins. Just throw it. But. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look...

the bridal suite in the hotel. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. I can handle Father. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. There's that look again! "There's that look again. . don't tell your father.. It goes just before this. . Look. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. I started packing the day after I met you. He's a dear. That's what I hate about women.for my mind... hurry and pack. You know what we're doing? Wasting time..and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. There. No.. You should've seen my secretary's face. You'll see it often. too? One thing at a time. Go on. I don't have to. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. Yes. you see! You see? That's what I mean.. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. darling. We've a room on the train..

hurry. Grand Central Station. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. What? Now? No. it's me. Brewster? Good. Did you send those roses to Mrs. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. And throw in a flock . When you whistle. open the front door fast. -It'll be a few minutes. Isn't it too. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. you two old frauds. -Whistle when you're ready. Elaine and I are married. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Hurry. -Father may want to pray over me. Hold on to your bustles. We're married. dark streak of light. If you see a tall. here. Oh. darling.

We're going to Niagara Falls.of orange blossoms. -You won't have time to bake a cake. A taxi's waiting. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. Did everybody know I was getting married. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. dear. Oh. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. a wedding cake. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. too. I'll run along and get everything ready. But before you go. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. It's all ready. of course. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. You know how your books upset him. -And. . we can have our celebration. I'm going to burn all my books. Well. Of course.

Just bully. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Yes. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. President? -Bully. President. had a character in it. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Hello. My.Now you behave. I saw a play. Goodbye. dear. Mortimer! -How are you. Oh. He'd scare grownups with it. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. A new lock for the canal. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Isn't it wonderful? Well. dear! . reminded me of Jonathan. you know. "Oh. I know. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Mr. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. I'm off to Panama. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. what a face! I remember now. goodbye. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. thank you. Mr.

When the curtain goes up. Yes. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. At once! -He's in the cellar. Well. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. Now. Yes. darling! Never mind that now.Yeah. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. That's after we're gone. the first thing you see is a dead body. look. When Teddy's working on the canal. I'm frightfully sorry. listen. -There's no such hurry as that. darlings. Teddy's killed a man. what a play. darlings. but I've got an awful shock for you. dear. mister. . We know. dear. The next thing-Hey. you can't get his mind on anything else. -You know? -Of course. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. Get him up here now.

. dear. What the. When it's in tea. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice.. except that he's a Methodist. You mean you. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Adam Hoskins. don't be so inquisitive.. That's really all I know about him. how did he die? Mortimer.. He died first. Now look. Hoskins. Mortimer. You put it in the wine? .. it has a distinct odor. Aunt Martha. Who is he? He's a Mr. Wait! Stop all this. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. men just don't get into windowseats and die. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.Now. You just forget about it.. No.

The dears. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people.. darling. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. It's first-degree. Schultz. Hoskins in the windowseat. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. She's much better. Now. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Look at me. . Abby. tomorrow or next day. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . Mortimer. but this time we'll go where we want to go. you know all about it and just forget about it. not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. We must do that.Yes. Yes. And I put Mr. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets...because Reverend Harper was coming.

Mr. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. That's what we did with the others. We don't intend to. . digging the lock. you behave. here. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -But Mr. -We'll let you lick the bowl.Yes. Whatever his name is. Aunt Martha. -Stop worrying about it. it is. Hodgekiss--Hoskins.. I know what his name is. We told you to forget the whole thing. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Mortimer. I want to know what we're going to do.. You're going to bury Mr. You can't. Teddy's down in the cellar now. you can't leave him in there. dear. Look. don't be so impatient.. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Hoskins. -We can't turn you over to the police. Now. They have so much fun. dear. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. dear. dear. Mortimer.

I really don't think you should count the first one. Hello. keep your shirt on! Elaine. and that makes it 12. Makes it 12. dear. Abby. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Let me see now. I was counting the first one. It does? Well. Hoskins first came in. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. dear.-Others? -The other gentlemen. This makes 12. dear. Abby usually is. This is 1 1. No. because I remember when Mr.. . she's probably right." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. When you say "others.. Abby. dear. For heaven's sake. But. dear. isn't it. Abby.. I get them mixed up sometimes..it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. I think you're wrong. This one is only 1 1 . I didn't mean-- . Abby? No.

. We felt so sorry for him.. we all took him down to Panama. when his heart attack came. Why. So. .. And then. Just sit down. Tell me... .. who was the first one? Mr.and he thought Mr. . he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. Twelve! Yes. He was a Baptist. old men...Now. Where were we? Twelve..to find that same peace...we would. Remember. you see. All his kith and kin were dead. ... then and there. He was such a lonely.looking so peaceful. . Never mind about that. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. You mean. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.and he sat there dead in that chair... Midgely.. let's see..... old gentleman.. ..that if we could help other lonely.. Abby thinks we should count the first one.. Martha? We made up our minds. dear... Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. .. you poor...

now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. As a matter of fact. .. dear......because we know exactly what's to be done.. just a pinch of cyanide. Well.. No. . Should have quite a kick. dear. There... so. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . darling.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic... -Mortimer.. Wait a minute! Come here..... What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. And then. .. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. for a gallon of elderberry wine. Of course not! Well. ..then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.

Let me see.. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. I couldn't eat a thing. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . We must get that cake frosted. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.. a sip of.. La Guardia.He did? Well. Singing away. He's wonderful. Everybody knows he's crazy. That'd be nice. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Who can I call up? Dewey.. Winchell? No. Let me see. Happy as a lark. Teddy! Of course. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Don't worry about the cake. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. What am I doing with tickets? Information.. digging locks.. darling. Winchell's no good. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number.

you! Thought you were tall. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. Brooklyn. Something's happened. -Run on home. . I heard you whistle. -How do I look? -You look fine. What'd you do. yes.on North Shore Road. What's wrong? Look at your hair. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. please. Yeah. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. I'll call you up tomorrow. dark streak of light. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful.

very important. You better go home! -But. Judge. -Go to bed. I'll tell you why I called you. Judge. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does.. about Teddy..If I could only tell you. Judge. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. . we were married today. You smell so nice.. It won't wait until tomorrow. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. I've got to come over and see you right away. Elaine. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. darling. It's about Teddy. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. he's-It's his bugle blowing. But it's a matter of life and. The police want to throw him into a state institution. We've got to do something immediately. A thing happened. It's very.

Doorbell's ringing. we're just setting the table for dinner. Operator? Give me long distance. Don't like it. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. dear. Happy Dale. -All alone in the world? . this would be a nice comfortable chair. I'm Miss Brewster. do sit down. I understand you've got a room to rent. And this is my sister. we can get him to Happy Dale. I'm sorry. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. -My name's Gibbs. How do you do? Come in. Now. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Do step in. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. It's a wonderful place. Another Miss Brewster. New York. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. -Well. please.

-Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. -No. -Dale. "D" Iike in "dig. you've come to just the right house. skoal. we make this ourselves. The room's upstairs. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. It's elderberry wine. I can see the headlines now... Well." when you dig a lock. Please. Happy Dale. -Do sit down. -Thank you." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. . That's right. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. Well. Martha. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. I don't think I'll like it. but the cemetery's full of them. I'd like to see the room.. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Well.-Well.

but you've given me an idea! Darling. He wouldn't understand. People wouldn't understand. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.but it's not only against the law.. murdered. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. Oh.. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.Hello. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look.. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . I'm nervous... Don't do that... . it's wrong. madam. Not that. I'm not drunk. What I mean is.

if your mind is made up.. I see. Well. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. if he thought that-Mr. Mr.. Of course.-. Witherspoon. Oh.What? All right. That's too bad. Brewster. And if-Oh. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. .and it would lead to trouble. operator. Oh. thanks. How do you do. Witherspoon. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Well.. Witherspoon speaking.That's amazing. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Bonaparte. Thank you. Mr.. . Yes. dear. please. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Well. we want to commit him there immediately. dear. Thank you. Witherspoon. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. do you-I'm fine. Mr. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. now. Mr.

won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. I want you to do one thing for me. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. You know I'd do anything for you. I'll sing with you. Well.. darling. Get off that thing.. Whosit where he is. darling. don't you? Yes. Oh. you'll do that little thing for me. Mortimer.. like good girls. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. dear. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I can't concentrate. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. we'd have to know what it was first. Anyway. I can't talk to you.. What on earth could happen to us? Well. I love you both very much.Another Roosevelt. . dear. Now listen. -But. I mean.. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. but I want you to promise me something..

The poor dears. I'll sit with you! Yeah. anything. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Yes. I can go faster that way. What is it? Mr. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. You promise? Good. Sure. Why? He's just been married.I'll dance with you. I'm so happy for Elaine. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. What? Stop that. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. . well. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Remember. Oh. Shame! Such a nice hat. that's right. You know. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. cab! Here you are. -Don't open it.

-Let me look. -Do you recognize them? -No. A fatted calf?. There's one up in my room. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. they're strangers to me. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. doctor. -You look. . dear. and I've never seen them before. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. Drink. Johnny. we'll need another hymnal. Come in. As a boy. It's two men. The family must still live here. This is the home of my youth. it's a good hideout. I'll go. Johnny.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. As if we were expected. -Are you sure? -Yes. Look. Johnny. I'm so hungry. Yes.

No. But I've seen that face before..A good omen. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. You're nothing like Jonathan. you're not. . Aunt Martha. still the high collar. so don't pretend you are. And you. Why.. It's Jonathan. you know.. Einstein is responsible for that. You just get out of here. Your nephew.. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring.. .. . He's a plastic surgeon.that Grandma Brewster bought in England.. Jonathan. Aunt Martha. his voice is like Jonathan's.. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. Dr. Have you been in an accident? My face..to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you..

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

We expect to be very busy. . Quick.. we'll bring him in through the window.. we can't just walk Mr. Rather a good joke on my aunts. as a boy. Spenalzo along. I don't have to go into details. . How do we get him in here? Yes. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.. Come here. Spenalzo in through the door. Bed. That's hospitality. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. six feet long. Four feet wide. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. See the hole he's digging....You remember that. And it just fits Mr. I could be disagreeable.. I forgot to tell you. Spenalzo.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. -Down here. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.

Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. That might be against the law. The car is all right where it is until morning. Teddy. Hoskins? Mr. And he's been so patient. we must keep it a secret.We're moving the car behind the house. Hoskins downstairs right away. Promise? You have the word of the President . there's been another yellow-fever victim. No. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. You'd better get to bed. I don't want to leave it in the street. A state secret? Yes. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. the poor dear. I think Teddy had better take Mr. General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was just the right size. a state secret.

. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. We've never had yellow fever there before. You can go right up.of the United States. And we'll come down later and hold services. Cross my heart and hope to die. . We're bringing the luggage through here. let's see. Both of you. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. you were out.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. when everything's dark here. Now. Your room is waiting for you... he's really very nice looking... Hoskins! My goodness! That's right... But you must be very tired. It seems to be spreading. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. And then. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy.. You two run along to bed. -And we don't go to bed this early. I've never even seen Mr. You know. . Now get along.. considering that he's a Methodist.when I turn out the lights. You just come right along and see him now.

I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Yeah. Aunt Abby. I'll open the window. Where am l? Here I am. Take the bags upstairs. Good night. Run along. we'll all go to bed. I'll take a look around outside the house. Doctor. For the instruments. But he's too heavy for me. Now! Turn out the lights. It's dark in here. -I'll be right up. you open the window. Just off the laboratory. I'll come back later. You go outside and push. Johnny. When I tap on the glass. And then together we take him down to Panama. Aunt Martha.-It's time I came home to take care of you. and I'll stay here and pull. He's all right. Aunt Abby. We must be quick. Now. All right. . You go round and hand him through. -All right.

I'm a brand-new Brewster. He's so heavy. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Now I have him. -But his shoe came off.Who left this open? Okay. I mean. Now I have him. Help me. Allez. wait a minute. He's so heavy. Help me. -Be careful. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go open. Doctor! . up! Now. wait a minute. Now I've got him! Johnny. Go. Now I got him. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. I'm not very used to it. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Mortimer. somebody's at the door. I live next door. You lost a leg somewhere. Hand him over. it's Brewster. quick.

I'm in this house every day. -You've heard of me? -Yes. And something of a magician.. that's all.. "That explains everything. -You're Jonathan. Einstein? Dr. We happen to live here. That explains everything. they talk about you. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. You don't live here. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. .. Now that I know who you are.. I've never seen you before. May I present Dr. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan.It's all right." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. It's okay. .

You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Alice. It's going to be a private funeral. Is that why you came over here? No. But if he's not home. -What else did you see? -Just that. a sneak thief. Go back to your room. I'll run--You've given two names. the cellar. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. that's all! I see. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous.I suppose it was you. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. . I came to see Mortimer. No visitors. Charge! Doctor. No! Don't be a tomboy.

. "I've come back home.. Mortimer. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now.. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Go back to your room. Mortimer. Mortimer. -Mortimer.-We'll call the police. . Einstein. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. it talks! Yes. darling.. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember.. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. -What? I've come back home. I talk. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Mortimer." Listen.. Mortimer. -I'll handle this. .. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. he--Wait a minute.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you.

I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Einstein to stay. We don't take up much room. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here.. I remember. -In fact.. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Now look. be a good fellow. No. Now. just a moment. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.Yeah. I'm staying here tonight. Here's $10. Nothing to. Please. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. We invited Jonathan and Dr. . and I'll sleep on the windowseat. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away.. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. -What? -Just for tonight. I'm staying here from now on.

Mortimer. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Doctor. I'll take care of you. Don't bring anyone else in here. I've completely lost track of Mr. that. Wait! Who's this Mr.Mortimer. -Killed? Aunt Abby. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. -Oh. While we are packing. beat it! It's all right. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Elaine. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. you know what I do to people who order me around. . darling? -I almost got killed. Now. I'll tell you about him. in just a little while. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Spenalzo. Mr. Johnny. Spenalzo. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter.

and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Witherspoon. -He was going to kill me! -Wait.. please. I can't hear the man. we were going over Niagara Falls. Well.. Mr. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Darling.your brother tries to strangle me. He's some kind of a maniac. We were married today. I don't understand you. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. -You'd better run along home. -But--Please. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Well. Brewster. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. I'm afraid of him. ... . a taxi's waiting. don't worry about it. Forget it... I'm here now. I got things to do.-It was worse than that.. . Yes.. look.

. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. come right away.I've got the papers all drawn up. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. By the way. signature. Yeah. well. darling. I know it's late. darling. .put them in a barrel. windowseat...... Let me think about this thing.. Teddy. Thank you. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. Doctor. of course? By the doctor? Oh. wedding ring. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. I'll get both signatures. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. taxi. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon.

-I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Mr. You admitted you put Mr. . where is Mr. Yes. Hoskins! -By the way. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. Hoskins in the windowseat. you come in here now! Yes. Hoskins. It is not Mr. I did. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. dear.No. he's mistaken.

I'm in no mood to debate the question. I've decided that we're staying. Oh... and I mean now. you come straight along here. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. Martha. Are you getting out. poor dear. We haven't had a minute.. dear. Mortimer. Listen. handsome. I did. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. And I've also decided that you're leaving. No. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. what with Jonathan in the house. Don't. .He's down there waiting for the services. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral.

-Pleased to meet you.. -Yes. You're my brother. -No! Come in.. Spenalzo can happen to you. Officer. Come right in. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Remember. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. too. Jonathan. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Jonathan is leaving. I'll have to call the police. -And this is another nephew. in that case. -Glad to see you. Mortimer. I've got some very good news for you. . You can't ask for more than that. Don't reach for the telephone. do come in. Well? All right. Put down that telephone. what happened to Mr. This is our nephew. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you.Aunt Abby.. Listen. you're a Brewster. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. And he's taking Dr. Einstein and that cold companion with him. I owe you an apology. darling.

Dr. I'm working on a play now. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. I can spell like the dickens. You can tell me all about it. well. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.Your face is familiar. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. Mr. Officer O'Hara. but I can't spell them. Spenalzo. -I'll be running along. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. All three of you: you. . I got to ring in. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. You are? Well. If you don't leave here. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. This is your last chance. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Einstein and Spenalzo.

Come. I never did like Mortimer. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. We've got a wonderful setup here.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Then if he tries to interfere-No. No. Right with you. Please. Just give me one moment. We can make a fortune. Johnny. take it easy. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Two old ladies as a front. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. O'Hara. Okay. no. let's go. We're not going. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. we're coming back here. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Now get going! All three of you. Johnny. you lose your head. We're sleeping right here in this house. Please! Doctor. After that. Look. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. please.

All right. I worked on it for 12 years. -Excuse me. -I don't know. We're not going. -I like the first act. you asked for it. She was my mother. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. Yes. -Swell. we got an ace in the hole...in the cellar. rehash it. I'll be back in a minute. It's no fly-by-night idea. Mortimer. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -My mother was an actress. Move fast. -Peaches La Tour was her name.. Well. -Legitimate? Of course. If you tell O'Hara . Well. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. You stay out of this. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. -You're not going? -No.

.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. This opening will kill you. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Bohemian atmosphere. I'll meet you there later. . Genius at work. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. You'd better ring in.what's in the windowseat. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Lowbrows. I assure you.. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .

Jonathan. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo.. Martha. When I come back. And speaking of services. Where do you.. you ring in and I'll see you later. We thought we heard you leave. Well. doctor. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. dear aunties. Where are those papers? There they are. I think we can start the services now. You haven't. -Can't wait! Doctor. aren't you? You think you've got it over me.. will you? This is a great play. Did he look guilty! Well.. .will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. You've got to take him with you! ... Wait for me! We'll wait for him. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. That was just Mortimer.. The moment the doctor signs. Perish the thought.. You're smug. You won't stand me up.Look. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's.. I expect to find you gone.. Yes. -I'll see you down there. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins.

Besides. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. It's one of our charities. what we've been doing is a mercy. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins. You mean. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Mr. -He's one of our gentlemen. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Spenalzo. Why. Doctor. He must mean Mr. They're both dead. Mr. there's no room for Mr. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. The cellar's crowded already. . Hoskins is no stranger. -But Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Twelve graves. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Hoskins--Mr. -Your gentlemen? Yes. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet.

Spenalzo. You cannot count the one in South Bend. Johnny. Then the first one in London.. one in Sydney.two in San Francisco. Don't brag. I've got 13.. .. You cannot count him. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world.. .. -No. That makes 13. one in Melbourne. -Thirteen.. What? You got 12. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Spenalzo out of here.So you just take your Mr. they got 12. You've done all that. . He died of pneumonia.. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. -Filling.and they stay right here in Brooklyn.. and they do just as good as you do... Two in Johannesburg. Phoenix? -The filling station. Arizona..right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful... one in Phoenix. You got 12. . There's Mr.. they got 12.. 12.

. And I've a pretty good idea who it is... I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies.. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.. I know Teddy blows bugles.l'm sure you'd be convinced. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. are they? Well. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. Just one more. seeing a doctor.The old ladies is just as good as you are.. That's all. Pull up a tombstone. This is most irregular. . They are. I'll be right back. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. Gilchrist. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. All I need is one more. that's easily taken care of. but only you can help me.. but I can't commit a man just on that. -You wait here. If you'd talk with him. Make yourself comfortable. . -You better wait. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. -Who? What? Did I say. Dr.

The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Not so good. darling. No. so good. So far. Certainly. Well now. may I present--Dr. with a Maxim silencer. of course I love you. is it not? Yes. the meter! "Looks good on me. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. yes.50! -What? $22. $22. indeed. Welcome to Washington. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. -Mr. President. that's that. .50! Oh. looks good on you! Not the suit. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. thanks. It gives me a chance to rest." $22. Five more bucks and you'll own it. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes.50. It wouldn't fit me. -Do you? -Yes.-Hey.

This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. Darling. I don't quite know. -Of course.. Darling. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. Just because Teddy's strange.. It's way back before Teddy. insanity runs in my family.. that's ancient history. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. . but I won't be elected. -What are you talking about? -Well. ... Doctor.. I probably should have told you this before. but it's only a matter of time. if the country insists. I love you so much. darling. I can't go through with our marriage. but you see. I'll run for a third term.well. that doesn't mean-No. It practically gallops. -That's what you think.

aren't they? They're the sweetest. So you're crazy. no. even they have their peculiarities. Thank you. drop in to see me at the White House. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you.. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. all this doesn't prove a thing. -Those papers. Ambassador.. Just go on signing the papers. There's no use doing what you're doing. Anytime you're in Washington.Darling. go to bed! . I. Well. They're Brewsters. -Go away. That's the way I love you. but kiss me. Goodbye. Aunt Abby. Look at your aunts. No. you better stop it. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. It'll just have to be undone.. What of it? So your family's crazy. I'm crazy too. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. sanest people I've ever known.

Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Nice and smooth like a lake. Spenalzo in together.. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. . we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. . Doctor. All right. -Oh. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. Martha and I are going for the police. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. You're forgetting. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. let him.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. This is all fixed up nice now... You know. I'll get them out. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed.we're going for the police. Bed feels good already. If Jonathan and Mr. Hoskins and Mr.

But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. not tonight! I'm sleepy. You are going to operate tomorrow. no police! No police! Look. Doctor. can't you? Yeah.-Remember. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Doctor. go to bed. I just heard him upstairs. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Johnny. My brother. I think this calls for something special. Or the next day. perhaps. huh? The quick twist like in London. Look at me. Mortimer. I know that look. No! I am tired. But Johnny. what? . Not the Melbourne method. I think. Okay. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. the Melbourne method. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. No. we'll do it. Okay. Doctor. But the quick way. You forget. You can see that it's got to be done. We'll do it tomorrow.

it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Brewster. President. So I have. President. -Of course. Mr. Don't do that. President. Get out. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. What a load off my mind. mice? -You get out of this house. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Hey. -Please listen to me. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. please? -What? Speak up. Johnny's in a bad mood. Boy. Mr. President. Wait here. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. I can't hear you. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Mr. Get out! -Stop underplaying. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. will you. This must be secret. Oh. I see! Very clever. You already have them on. I can't hear you. Mr. What is it. . Yes. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Mr.

-My schnapps. -What's that? Wait. Horrible things. Stop it. little fellow. Get going...Are you really a doctor? Yes. Brewster. 1919. Please. but you go now. Don't those plays you see all the time . when Johnny's in that mood. But.. You take care of yourself. Heidelberg.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Doc-. Please. I'll take care of him. -That's mine. look. Please go now. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Only for dramatic critics.he's a madman. . You've just been married. He's a maniac! And then things happen. please.. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Mr. -I could use that. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Please listen to me. You beat it before things start popping around here. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan.

teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. . And does he go? No.. Isn't that great? So there he is. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He's even been warned to get out. Now listen to this. There's a play that's so bad. Witherspoon. When you get out of prison. he doesn't. The murderer even invites him to sit down.. it'll still be running when you get out. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. At least people in plays act like they got sense. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged.. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. There's a man.

But never... .. Doctor. . Now get a load of this.we go to work. . but does he? No! See. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. He wasn't very bright. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. in a play or even in a movie.. All he has to do is look around.. Johnny. for me. Yes. brother Heidelberg. This fellow's supposed to be bright. The big dope! You were right about that fellow.. were you out of my mind.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. you may consider that a blessing. my dear brother.a fellow never sees or hears anything. Please.. Look at the attitude. Now. Later on. I dreamt of you.. That's right. Mortimer. I've been away for 20 years. the quick way. In Melbourne one night.

After all. Where did they put it? I found some wine. You remember when we came in. To my dear. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. Here. We both have a drink before we operate. But I cannot see this without the drink. dead brother. Pull yourself together. Mortimer. Where are your manners? Yes. please. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. And then they took it. there was some wine. -Please. Please! All right. I'll split it with you.-This must be an artistic achievement. We drink to you. One moment. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. That idiot! -He goes next. Let's get it over with. That's all.

Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody..-We'll get to him later. .. The quick way. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. The quick way. I see. sure.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. We're taking the bugle away from him. Like a flash. -What happened to him? -Nothing. In the second act. I'll help you. They practically stole that from my play. yes! If it has to be. then the quick way. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. It's all right. Yeah.. out of a clear sky. . I'd better talk to him myself. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.

. see? Little do I know it. -It's probably over his head. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. ..He says. It's getting you. casual-like. there's me. please. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. You ain't heard nothing yet. . My mother doesn't say they're married.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. "Miss Peaches La Tour. Well. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry.... a fire breaks out. All of a sudden. -What? -I personally like it very much. I'm in great danger. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. in the meantime. Growing into a magnificent specimen. The scene changes. It's an evolving stage. I'm walking along my beat. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. -Where have I seen that face before? -No..

when a guy that I'm following. -He's going to help me write my play. So he came back. this is Mortimer Brewster. Right in the middle of the second act.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. -Johnny. we came to warn the old ladies. Get me Mac. Now. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in.. -There's a vacant house on the corner. . My play put him to sleep. so I pulls out my gun. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. boys... Brewster's brother... it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. He says we've got to put him away someplace. That's the one that ran away. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. The neighbors are phoning in. -I heard him. I figures I'll outsmart him. Brophy.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. .. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. who the heck is this? Mr. Did they send you here? No. -The colonel blew that bugle again.

Brewster. Yes. don't you? Well. . Shall we bring him in? All right. -I'll show them to you. We found him. -Come down to the cellar. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. I better let them know that I found you. Mr. we'll hold him right here. Brewster. you've got me. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. Leave him to me. Be careful what you say. 13. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. The Lieutenant is on his way over. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. You think my aunts are sweet. It wasn't that bad. At the Brewster house. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. Your aunts are friends of ours. So I've been turned in? All right. Mr. -Wait a minute. charming old ladies.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. Thirteen bodies.

do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Don't! Sarge! Look out. please. Pat. look out! Amazing. Look out! Fight. Don't bother me now. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Well. that's enough. Pat. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. I got something better. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. come to the cellar. -Go on down the cellar with him. Go on and fight. I got him. That's enough. Amazing.I'll show you where they're buried. -Go to the cellar with him. look. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Everybody off. He looks like Boris Karloff. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. You could use this in the third act. -Yes. too. Such a fine day. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. .

Don't do that. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Turn him over. That's fine.. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Wish I could relax like that. Telephone.. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. Boris. Get him. Thank you very much. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. -Witherspoon. . dear.The papers are all signed. I've tried it before-It did. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. What do I care? Go ahead. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Pat. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. please. fight. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. brother. That won't have any effect.. -Come in. Isn't that amazing? Oh.

and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. You're going to have a long time on that play.. He's a lifer.you can at least read short detective stories.. He's wanted. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.. . About my not ringing in. He says 13 bodies are there.. That's my brother.. Certainly. Now go on.. he's wanted. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. . too." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. The guy who helped him escape.. . "He looked like Karloff. pal. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.. That's the way they described him. Report in. You're suspended. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.

Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. . You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. you've blown your last bugle. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Nothing to eat. Colonel. Colonel. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. No sleep.Here. This is a spy. But I'm not myself today. Get this gu y out of here. Howdy. We caught him at the White House. keep out of that. I want to question him. -Questioning of spies is my department. With flatheads like you on the force. Take him out and bring him to. Colonel. No. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. I'm Mortimer Brewster. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. you. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. -Hey.

I know just how you feel. No arguments. -I'm waiting for Mr. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. started a murder rumor. Just a minute. I'm liable to think anything. Witherspoon. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute.You're his brother. Read this. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Last year there was a crazy guy. I have come to get a Brewster. Look. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. No arguments. . There's people dumb enough to believe that. take it easy. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. Captain. -As long as he's going someplace. Any offers? I'm Mr. no argument. He's got to be put away. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good.

Now. Let me explain. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Witherspoon is here. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. Brewster? Mr. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. -Hold him till I get there. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -That's fine. all I got to get is Witherspoon. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Never mind! Give me that pen. I'm so glad to see you. it's chicanery. This is fun.Mr. . That's all right! Do that again for me. He's ready to talk. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.

I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. never. -The woods are full of them. Something I've been working on.. this is Mr. We always. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. I've never been there. you know-Captain. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. I shan't mind. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale..And no wagon when he leaves. . I have one waiting now. Taxicabs. it's a play. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. It means a great deal to me. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Why? To take him away? Never. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully.. I sometimes envy some of our patients. You do? It must be a nice place. -That's good. Witherspoon. You know. secretly. You never can tell.

Let's see. you got it wrong. Aunt Martha. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. -What is this? No. President? Taft! No.. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . your guide to Africa.. Your term of office is over. Happy man. Mr. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. this isn't Mr. It's Mr. Aunt Abby. all signed. I'm on my way to Africa. President. Mr. This is Captain Rooney. my boy. I must get started immediately. Goodbye.-Come. Witherspoon. -Is this March 4? -Practically. I have good news for you. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. I'll bring down my equipment. Now you can take him away. Taft. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers.. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills.

haven't you? No. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. I've got it. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Oh. Why not? Why not. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Too dangerous. -If he's going. jealousy. Dissension. How can you allow this? You promised. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Now. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. dear. No. -We won't be separated from Teddy.It's all right. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. -I'm sorry. let's be sensible. We promise to take his bugle away from him. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. too! -Yes. You've come to meet Teddy. you'll have to take us with him. indeed? It's sweet of them. You could arrange that. ladies. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. we're going. . he's come to take him. but impossible. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go.

You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. you wouldn't have to dig. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. What? Yes.. Things are going to get worse.and we'll get them all together. The graves are all marked. He's been a little strange all day... -How about it? -I'll be right there. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. No. -I'll look in that cellar. . There are 13 bodies in our cellar. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer.It ain't only his bugle blowing. Mortimer. -I'll tell you what we'll do. . You just ask our nephew.. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.

. I put neon lights on mine. -He got married today.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. Humor them. Hasn't got it yet. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better.. -Flowers? Sure. "There is a Happy Dale far. If we can go with Teddy.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. It's amazing. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. None of mine are gentlemen. -You mustn't mind him at all. we'll sign the papers. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed.. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Spenalzo. Smile. humor them. Teddy committed himself. There's one down there. a Mr.. Where are they? .. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. -Certainly.

Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Dr. ladies. -A doctor? -Yes. right here. Come along.I have them. I'm really looking forward to going. Doctor. It's on the right-hand side there. -Good night. if you'll sign right here. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Yes. Doctor? -Yes. Maybe I can understand him. Ladies. -Here? -Yes. The neighborhood here has changed so. please. Now. Dr. We've overlooked something. -Come here. . will you? I want this all cleaned up. please. Dr. I'm going out to talk to that spy. -Were you leaving. Just sign right here. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. I'm so sorry. please. Doctor. Sign them up. Einstein. dear. here. please. A doctor. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Oh. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.

We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. You sign as next of kin.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. I'm Brewster. One hundred and forty pounds. But Dr. Doc. will you? About 40. . Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. It's all right. -Don't play games--You sign. The doctor has completed the signatures. Poses as a doctor. Witherport. Mr. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Einstein! -Now. Talks with a German accent. That's great! Thanks. Okay. Mac. yes. Don't mind me. on the desk. It's your turn. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Pop eyes. Thanks. Five-foot-three. Mr. It's contagious. Read it to me. Hello. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Mac.

You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. President. -Mine? You see. you signed as next of kin. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. darling? -Martha. Duffel? Pack his duffel. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. -Here. Einstein--But it's not his signature. you know? And bring along my bugle. but that's just it. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. -What's wrong about that. We don't want anything to go wrong. He's President. -It's yours. of course. -Well. We're very happy about the whole thing. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. Now. you tell him. And you were born . Mortimer. dear. don't be worried. -Me too. Come up and pack my duffel. Well. darling. -What.-Spoon. dear. darling.

Quiet! -But. They're off to a flying start.. Your real father was a cook. . You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. I really did see-- .about three months afterwards. too. So brother married her... Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them.we didn't want to lose her. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook.. It's true. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. -Goodbye. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine.

We're going to Niagara Falls. But. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Mortimer. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . I'm a son of a sea cook. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Call me a cab.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Mr. Yes. dear. its operators. love.

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