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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
. Remember now.Their old man left them fixed for life. You know I'm not a swearing man. Brophy.. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.. and now. . at any time. ... Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. Don't you call them "the girls. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. He's so very much in love with her.. Sister Martha and I are so happy.. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. . It was Reverend Harper who sneezed...but no man with this published attitude. He used to come to see us only occasionally.. dear.. You'd be surprised . Bless you.... But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. . . Reverend Harper.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.." either... I must be catching cold.should take any man's daughter anyplace.. watch your language. No. That's their way of digging up people to do good to..
Thank you. They're all packed. we have nothing to report. Gentlemen. No. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. gentlemen. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. That's splendid work you men do. no. The toys are on the chair up here. I'll go. Will you excuse me? No. we came for the toys. dear. what news have you brought me? Colonel. Splendid! Thank you. -How do you do. the new man on the beat. This is Officer O'Hara. Teddy. He's taking over my beat. -Come right in. You get tired of playing cards. Teddy. Brophy. How do you do. -Miss Abby. Mr. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood.what they'd consider swearing. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. by the library door. absolutely nothing to report. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Brophy? . This is Officer O'Hara. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. At ease. You know the Reverend Dr. sir? It's nice to meet you.
I'll make a note. Look. Gentlemen. You've done so much already. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. thank you.and the neighbors raised Cain. They're afraid of him. . Now don't do that again.. Sarge.. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. Father... that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? ... Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. But a little weak.. Teddy. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Isn't it a shame... still.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. I promised I wouldn't swear. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore.. That's right. Reverend. Isn't it a shame. Please don't bother.. . He's an interesting character. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.She's better.
Be sure it's good and hot.. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. -Don't mention it. this is grand. Officer O'Hara. Dismissed! . -The children will go crazy. put it back. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. -Now. So long. and thank you very much. It'll make a lot of kids happy... -Reverend. you're back. Colonel. Hey.Well. Yes. Miss Brewster. Colonel. Brophy. Sarge. it goes to Australia. dear. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. You bet I will. He's taking over my duties. The Army and Navy are ready for action. -Not at all. how do you do? Miss Martha. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. -These are lovely. Thank you. Teddy. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Martha. now. Here's the broth for Mrs. -Thank you. No.
Young man. let that be a lesson to you. if he's happy. Do you remember.. you're happy. Yes. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. a long time ago. That is quite a problem.. -Good night. . no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. and we suggested it. and what's more important. . -Don't mention it. Martha? Once... indeed.it might be a change for him. -Well. Well. -Careful of the step with the toys. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. Goodbye... I must be going. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody..-Goodbye and thank you. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.
And dinner's going to be late. -But all by yourself. Martha. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. I didn't know when you'd be back. why? Good news for you. dear. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. Dear. and Reverend Harper was coming. I just couldn't wait for you. So.. There wasn't time. And I was all alone. dear.. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. too. sweet Reverend Harper. -No. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. Did you just have tea? Yes. .to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. You know. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. -I got along fine. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes..
-You ain't seen anything yet. -But that was only Sunday. Here's your hat. darlings. buddy. I don't like that look in your eyes. Please! For heaven's sake! But.Well? Just look in the windowseat. -Take her hat. right out here with everyone looking. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. There they are. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Mortimer. Mortimer. you're going to love me . -It's Elaine! -Hello. But. Hold on to that. -You've got to drive us to the station.. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. If you find her hairpins. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. And her brooch. Just throw it. -But... keep them. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Wait a minute.
We've a room on the train.. Go on. Look.. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. hurry and pack.. No. the bridal suite in the hotel. There. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. He's a dear. Yes. There's that look again! "There's that look again. .. It goes just before this. You'll see it often. I don't have to. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I can handle Father.. You should've seen my secretary's face. I started packing the day after I met you. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. don't tell your father. . you see! You see? That's what I mean.. too? One thing at a time.. darling.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel.for my mind. That's what I hate about women. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.
hurry. it's me. dark streak of light. What? Now? No. open the front door fast. -It'll be a few minutes.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. And throw in a flock . too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. you two old frauds. Hold on to your bustles. Hurry. here. Brewster? Good. When you whistle. We're married. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Elaine and I are married. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Isn't it too. -Whistle when you're ready. If you see a tall. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. -Father may want to pray over me. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. Oh. Grand Central Station. darling. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either.
Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. You know how your books upset him. -And. we can have our celebration. A taxi's waiting. Oh. a wedding cake. Well. of course. Did everybody know I was getting married. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. .of orange blossoms. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. But before you go. I'm going to burn all my books. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. too. It's all ready. Of course. dear. I'll run along and get everything ready. -You won't have time to bake a cake. We're going to Niagara Falls.
Mr.Now you behave. you know. He'd scare grownups with it. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Mr. I'm off to Panama. Yes. reminded me of Jonathan. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. had a character in it. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Oh. thank you. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. President. Goodbye. I saw a play. President? -Bully. I know. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Mortimer! -How are you. "Oh. A new lock for the canal. Just bully. Hello. what a face! I remember now. Isn't it wonderful? Well. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. dear. goodbye. Really? A honey of a lunatic. My. dear! . One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out.
The next thing-Hey. I'm frightfully sorry. Yes. -You know? -Of course. what a play. Yes. look. dear. -There's no such hurry as that. listen. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Now. you can't get his mind on anything else. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. darlings. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. darlings. darling! Never mind that now. That's after we're gone. mister. Teddy's killed a man.Yeah. When Teddy's working on the canal. Get him up here now. the first thing you see is a dead body. Well. dear. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. At once! -He's in the cellar. . When the curtain goes up. We know. but I've got an awful shock for you.
how did he die? Mortimer. Hoskins. He died first. Aunt Martha. What the. Who is he? He's a Mr... dear. Adam Hoskins.. Wait! Stop all this. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. No. it has a distinct odor. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. Mortimer. When it's in tea. don't be so inquisitive. Now look. You just forget about it.Now. men just don't get into windowseats and die.. You mean you. You put it in the wine? . The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. except that he's a Methodist. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.. That's really all I know about him.
She's much better. Mortimer. you know all about it and just forget about it. Yes. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . . not at tea.. The dears.because Reverend Harper was coming. Hoskins in the windowseat. It's first-degree. darling.. We must do that. Look at me. Now. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Schultz. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.. And I put Mr. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Abby. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.Yes. tomorrow or next day.. That wouldn't have been very nice. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. but this time we'll go where we want to go.
Now. I want to know what we're going to do. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate.. That's what we did with the others.. it is. -We can't turn you over to the police. Look. You can't. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. -But Mr. Mortimer. Mr. They have so much fun. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. We don't intend to.. here. Mortimer. dear. don't be so impatient. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -Stop worrying about it. Aunt Martha. You're going to bury Mr. Whatever his name is. digging the lock. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. dear. Hoskins. you can't leave him in there. Teddy's down in the cellar now. you behave. -We'll let you lick the bowl. We told you to forget the whole thing. dear.Yes. dear. I know what his name is. . Hodgekiss--Hoskins.
This one is only 1 1 . I think you're wrong. I didn't mean-- . dear. dear. This is 1 1.. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. dear. .. I get them mixed up sometimes. dear. dear.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. Abby usually is. No. Abby. keep your shirt on! Elaine. Let me see now. This makes 12. Makes it 12. because I remember when Mr. Abby? No. For heaven's sake.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Abby. When you say "others.. But. Hoskins first came in.. Abby. It does? Well. I was counting the first one. Hello." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. isn't it. I really don't think you should count the first one. she's probably right. and that makes it 12. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now.
. So. Where were we? Twelve. you see. Tell me.. we all took him down to Panama.... He was a Baptist. who was the first one? Mr.to find that same peace.and he thought Mr. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. Why. old men. You mean.... when his heart attack came. Midgely.and he sat there dead in that chair... he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. dear..Now. .we would. then and there.. you poor. All his kith and kin were dead. Just sit down. . .. Remember.. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. We felt so sorry for him..... Twelve! Yes.looking so peaceful. He was such a lonely.... . .. Abby thinks we should count the first one. Martha? We made up our minds.that if we could help other lonely.. old gentleman.... . let's see. Never mind about that.. And then...
.. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. .. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . just a pinch of cyanide.. -Mortimer. darling.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. dear. Should have quite a kick. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves... No. ... What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. dear....in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. Of course not! Well.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. so.because we know exactly what's to be done.... There. And then. Well.. As a matter of fact. .... Wait a minute! Come here. for a gallon of elderberry wine.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. ...
La Guardia. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. That'd be nice. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim.. Let me see. a sip of. We must get that cake frosted... digging locks. Happy as a lark. Don't worry about the cake.He did? Well. Let me see.. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Who can I call up? Dewey.. Teddy! Of course. What am I doing with tickets? Information. He's wonderful. Winchell's no good. Singing away. I couldn't eat a thing. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Winchell? No. darling. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Everybody knows he's crazy.. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman .
Something's happened.on North Shore Road. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. dark streak of light. Brooklyn. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. you! Thought you were tall. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. yes. . Yeah. please. -Run on home. -How do I look? -You look fine. I heard you whistle. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. What's wrong? Look at your hair. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. What'd you do. I'll call you up tomorrow.
Judge. But it's a matter of life and. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. Elaine. We've got to do something immediately. I've got to come over and see you right away. You better go home! -But. very important. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. we were married today. The police want to throw him into a state institution. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. It won't wait until tomorrow. he's-It's his bugle blowing. -Go to bed.If I could only tell you. Judge. about Teddy. I'll tell you why I called you.. A thing happened.. darling. It's very. .. You smell so nice. It's about Teddy. Judge. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.
And this is my sister. -My name's Gibbs. -Well. I understand you've got a room to rent. It's a wonderful place. dear. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Another Miss Brewster. Happy Dale. please. I'm sorry. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Operator? Give me long distance.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. Don't like it. How do you do? Come in. I'm Miss Brewster. Do step in. this would be a nice comfortable chair. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Now. do sit down. -All alone in the world? . Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. we're just setting the table for dinner. we can get him to Happy Dale. New York. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Doorbell's ringing.
Martha. -Dale.. That's right. I don't think I'll like it. Well.. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it.. -Thank you. Well. It's elderberry wine. Happy Dale. "A" Iike in "arsenic. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. -No. -Do sit down. Please. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. The room's upstairs. . but the cemetery's full of them. you've come to just the right house." when you dig a lock.-Well. I'd like to see the room. "D" Iike in "dig. we make this ourselves. skoal. Well. I can see the headlines now. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.
you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. Oh. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. People wouldn't understand.. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. Not that.. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. murdered.Hello. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.. He wouldn't understand. it's wrong..but it's not only against the law. I'm not drunk.. Don't do that. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . madam.. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. but you've given me an idea! Darling.. I'm nervous. . What I mean is.
and it would lead to trouble. Brewster? How are you? Mr.That's amazing. And if-Oh. That's too bad. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Witherspoon.. . How do you do. Oh. thanks.-. Thank you. operator. Mr. if he thought that-Mr.What? All right. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Mr. we want to commit him there immediately. Well. dear. Mr. Oh. . we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. dear. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. if your mind is made up. Witherspoon. Of course. Mr. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Witherspoon speaking. Yes. Witherspoon. I see... Well. Brewster. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Thank you. do you-I'm fine. Bonaparte. now. Well. please.. Have you had the papers drawn up? No.
. but I want you to promise me something. Oh.. -But.. darling. I can't concentrate. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. we'd have to know what it was first. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. Whosit where he is. I love you both very much. you'll do that little thing for me. darling. You know I'd do anything for you. What on earth could happen to us? Well. Now listen. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything.. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. . don't you? Yes. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I mean. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. like good girls. Mortimer. dear.. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. dear. Anyway.Another Roosevelt. I can't talk to you. Well.. I'll sing with you. I want you to do one thing for me. Get off that thing.
. Sure. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Oh. cab! Here you are. What? Stop that. I'm so happy for Elaine. anything. The poor dears.I'll dance with you. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. You know. Yes. that's right. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Remember. Shame! Such a nice hat. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. I can go faster that way. well. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. What is it? Mr. -Don't open it. You promise? Good. Why? He's just been married.
I couldn't wait to escape from this house. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. -You look. Drink. doctor. This is the home of my youth. Look. -Do you recognize them? -No. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. dear. -Are you sure? -Yes. I'll go. Johnny. Yes. Johnny. we'll need another hymnal. A fatted calf?. Come in. The family must still live here. It's two men. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. they're strangers to me. -Let me look. I'm so hungry. . There's one up in my room. As a boy. Johnny. As if we were expected. and I've never seen them before. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. it's a good hideout.
Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. It's Jonathan. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.A good omen. He's a plastic surgeon. Have you been in an accident? My face. so don't pretend you are.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. No. Aunt Martha. you know. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. And you. Aunt Martha... his voice is like Jonathan's. But I've seen that face before. You just get out of here. Jonathan. still the high collar.. .that Grandma Brewster bought in England. you're not.. Your nephew. Why.. Dr... . You're nothing like Jonathan.... Einstein is responsible for that. .
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. Spenalzo in through the door. . six feet long.. I forgot to tell you. And it just fits Mr. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. we can't just walk Mr. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. How do we get him in here? Yes...You remember that. we'll bring him in through the window. Spenalzo.. I could be disagreeable. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. That's hospitality.. Four feet wide. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Spenalzo along. I don't have to go into details. See the hole he's digging. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.. -Down here. as a boy. We expect to be very busy. Bed. . what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. Rather a good joke on my aunts. Quick.. Come here.
Hoskins downstairs right away. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. we must keep it a secret. there's been another yellow-fever victim. You'd better get to bed. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.We're moving the car behind the house. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. Hoskins? Mr. No. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. That might be against the law. What are we going to do about Mr. And he's been so patient. Promise? You have the word of the President . A state secret? Yes. He said the canal was just the right size. I think Teddy had better take Mr. a state secret. General Goethals was very pleased. Teddy. I don't want to leave it in the street. the poor dear. The car is all right where it is until morning.
. You know. you were out. Now.. You just come right along and see him now. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy.when I turn out the lights. . You can go right up. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. let's see. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. when everything's dark here. I've never even seen Mr. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. Your room is waiting for you. We've never had yellow fever there before. .... -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. We're bringing the luggage through here.. You two run along to bed. It seems to be spreading. . But you must be very tired. Cross my heart and hope to die. And we'll come down later and hold services. Both of you... And then.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. he's really very nice looking. -And we don't go to bed this early. Now get along. considering that he's a Methodist.of the United States.
-I'll be right up. He's all right.-It's time I came home to take care of you. It's dark in here. Now! Turn out the lights. I'll open the window. You go outside and push. We must be quick. you open the window. Aunt Martha. Just off the laboratory. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Good night. Run along. All right. For the instruments. But he's too heavy for me. Where am l? Here I am. Aunt Abby. Take the bags upstairs. I'll take a look around outside the house. Johnny. we'll all go to bed. Aunt Abby. Doctor. Yeah. -All right. I'll come back later. and I'll stay here and pull. You go round and hand him through. . Now. And then together we take him down to Panama. When I tap on the glass.
What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Allez. He's so heavy. wait a minute. Help me. Now I've got him! Johnny. I'll manage Spenalzo. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. I'm a brand-new Brewster. up! Now. -But his shoe came off. Go open. Hand him over. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Now I got him.Who left this open? Okay. You lost a leg somewhere. Now I have him. somebody's at the door. quick. I'm not very used to it. He's so heavy. Doctor! . -Be careful. it's Brewster. wait a minute. Go. Now I have him. Help me. Mortimer. I mean. I live next door.
Now that I know who you are. You don't live here. "That explains everything. . -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. . -You're Jonathan. May I present Dr.. And something of a magician. they talk about you. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.. -You've heard of me? -Yes. That explains everything." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. Einstein? Dr.. that's all.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. I've never seen you before. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.. I'm in this house every day. We happen to live here. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. It's okay.It's all right.
No! Don't be a tomboy. It's going to be a private funeral. Charge! Doctor. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. I came to see Mortimer. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. a sneak thief. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. -What else did you see? -Just that.I suppose it was you. the cellar. Go back to your room. I'll run--You've given two names. But if he's not home. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. that's all! I see. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Is that why you came over here? No. No visitors. . Alice.
I talk. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.. Mortimer. Jonathan! -I've come back home. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. .. darling.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. he--Wait a minute." Listen. it talks! Yes. Mortimer. Mortimer. ..-We'll call the police. -I'll handle this.. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. Mortimer.. -What? I've come back home. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember.. Mortimer. Einstein. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Go back to your room. -Mortimer. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. "I've come back home..
. Nothing to. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. -In fact.Yeah. We invited Jonathan and Dr. Now look. I'm staying here from now on. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. I remember. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.. Now. I'm staying here tonight. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. -What? -Just for tonight.. be a good fellow. Einstein to stay. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. No. . Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. just a moment. We don't take up much room. Here's $10. Please. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat.
Now. darling? -I almost got killed. Don't bring anyone else in here. While we are packing. I'll take care of you. . Spenalzo. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. I've completely lost track of Mr. -Oh. in just a little while. Doctor. that. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Mortimer. Mr. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. you know what I do to people who order me around. beat it! It's all right. Spenalzo.Mortimer. Wait! Who's this Mr. I'll tell you about him. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Elaine. Johnny.
Well. Witherspoon.. don't worry about it. I don't understand you. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.your brother tries to strangle me. look.. Forget it.. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.. -He was going to kill me! -Wait.. We were married today. . .and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. a taxi's waiting. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Darling.-It was worse than that.. . Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. -You'd better run along home.. -But--Please. Yes. Well. please. I'm here now. I can't hear the man.. we were going over Niagara Falls. He's some kind of a maniac. Mr. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Brewster. I'm afraid of him. I got things to do.
. Let me think about this thing. windowseat. . I know it's late. come right away.. darling.put them in a barrel. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. well. wedding ring. By the way. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. I'll get both signatures... and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. Thank you. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. Teddy. of course? By the doctor? Oh. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.I've got the papers all drawn up. darling. taxi. . Yeah. signature. Doctor... but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor..
he's mistaken. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor.No. Mr. I did. You admitted you put Mr. where is Mr. you come in here now! Yes. It is not Mr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Hoskins! -By the way. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. . dear. Hoskins in the windowseat. Yes. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama.
.. what with Jonathan in the house.. Martha. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. No. Listen. and I mean now. Are you getting out. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. And I've also decided that you're leaving. Don't. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. I've decided that we're staying. Mortimer.He's down there waiting for the services. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. Oh. We haven't had a minute. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. I'm in no mood to debate the question. poor dear. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. . you come straight along here. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. handsome. dear. I did.
Jonathan is leaving. You can't ask for more than that. Well? All right. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. in that case. And he's taking Dr. -Pleased to meet you. I'll have to call the police..Aunt Abby. too. do come in. . -And this is another nephew. Einstein and that cold companion with him. I've got some very good news for you. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you.. Come right in.. Don't reach for the telephone. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Spenalzo can happen to you. you're a Brewster. what happened to Mr. This is our nephew. Remember. Mortimer. Listen. darling. You're my brother. -No! Come in. I owe you an apology. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Put down that telephone. Officer. -Glad to see you. -Yes. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Jonathan.
Einstein and Spenalzo. Officer O'Hara. well! -Maybe I can help you with it.Your face is familiar. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. I'm working on a play now. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. I got to ring in. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. All three of you: you. but I can't spell them.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. This is your last chance. Spenalzo. If you don't leave here. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. well. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. You can tell me all about it. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. Mr. You are? Well. -I'll be running along. Dr. I can spell like the dickens. .
take it easy. Just give me one moment. No. O'Hara. We've got a wonderful setup here. After that. let's go. you lose your head. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Now get going! All three of you. Right with you. We're not going. Please. Then if he tries to interfere-No. We can make a fortune.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Johnny. Look. Come. Two old ladies as a front. But we've got trouble enough as it is. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. We're sleeping right here in this house. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. no. please. Okay. Johnny. I never did like Mortimer. Please! Doctor. we're coming back here. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Only Mortimer stands in our way. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled.
Move fast. we got an ace in the hole. rehash it. You stay out of this. -My mother was an actress. I worked on it for 12 years. I'll be back in a minute. you asked for it. Mortimer. -You're not going? -No.in the cellar. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -Legitimate? Of course. Well. All right.. -Excuse me. -I like the first act.. -Swell. If you tell O'Hara . Well. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. She was my mother. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. It's no fly-by-night idea. We're not going. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Peaches La Tour was her name.. Yes. -I don't know.
This opening will kill you. Genius at work. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. Bohemian atmosphere.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . Lowbrows. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. I assure you.. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.what's in the windowseat.. I'll meet you there later. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. . You'd better ring in. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's.. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.
Jonathan. Martha.Look. -Can't wait! Doctor.. Perish the thought. That was just Mortimer... Did he look guilty! Well. Where are those papers? There they are. You're smug. Where do you.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo.. I think we can start the services now.. You've got to take him with you! .. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins.. doctor. And speaking of services. Well. dear aunties. -I'll see you down there. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. will you? This is a great play.. I expect to find you gone. you ring in and I'll see you later. We thought we heard you leave. When I come back. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. The moment the doctor signs. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. You haven't.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. You won't stand me up. Yes.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. .
there's no room for Mr. . They're both dead. The cellar's crowded already. Mr. Besides. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Twelve graves. Doctor. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Hoskins--Mr. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins. Hoskins is no stranger. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. It's one of our charities. He must mean Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Why. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. what we've been doing is a mercy. You mean. Spenalzo. -He's one of our gentlemen. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Mr. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. -But Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him.
Spenalzo. one in Melbourne.. Phoenix? -The filling station... . one in Phoenix.. Spenalzo out of here.and they stay right here in Brooklyn.. one in Sydney. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Then the first one in London. You cannot count the one in South Bend. 12. and they do just as good as you do. .. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. -Filling. You got 12.. You've done all that. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. . What? You got 12. Johnny.. they got 12. Don't brag. . Two in Johannesburg. Arizona.two in San Francisco. He died of pneumonia. -Thirteen...right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. There's Mr. -No.. they got 12.. That makes 13.... I've got 13.So you just take your Mr. You cannot count him.
I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. . I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. I'll be right back. And I've a pretty good idea who it is.. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. but only you can help me.. -You wait here. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween.. Just one more.l'm sure you'd be convinced.. .. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. I know Teddy blows bugles.The old ladies is just as good as you are. Pull up a tombstone. If you'd talk with him. -Who? What? Did I say. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. Dr. This is most irregular. Make yourself comfortable. that's easily taken care of. -You better wait. seeing a doctor. are they? Well. All I need is one more. They are.. Gilchrist.. That's all. but I can't commit a man just on that.
-Hey. the meter! "Looks good on me. Welcome to Washington. may I present--Dr. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. $22. of course I love you. . President. -Do you? -Yes. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. so good. So far. It wouldn't fit me. looks good on you! Not the suit.50! -What? $22. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. indeed. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. It gives me a chance to rest. darling. No. is it not? Yes." $22.50! Oh. that's that. -Mr. yes. Well now.50. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Not so good. with a Maxim silencer. thanks. Certainly.
well. It's way back before Teddy. -That's what you think. I can't go through with our marriage.. -What are you talking about? -Well.. It practically gallops. . You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. I probably should have told you this before. Darling.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.. Just because Teddy's strange. . but I won't be elected. I love you so much.. that's ancient history. I'll run for a third term. darling. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. Darling. insanity runs in my family. but you see.. but it's only a matter of time. I don't quite know.. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. -Of course. Doctor.. if the country insists. that doesn't mean-No. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.
. drop in to see me at the White House. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. I'm crazy too. Goodbye. Thank you. -Go away. Aunt Abby.Darling. sanest people I've ever known.. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. -Those papers. but kiss me. They're Brewsters.. That's the way I love you. What of it? So your family's crazy. Just go on signing the papers. aren't they? They're the sweetest. no. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. There's no use doing what you're doing. Ambassador. you better stop it. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. even they have their peculiarities. No. Anytime you're in Washington. I. go to bed! . So you're crazy. Look at your aunts. Well. all this doesn't prove a thing. It'll just have to be undone.
Bed feels good already.. This is all fixed up nice now. .. . The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal.. Nice and smooth like a lake.. If Jonathan and Mr. All right. Martha and I are going for the police.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. You're forgetting. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed.we're going for the police. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. You know. -Oh. Doctor. I'll get them out. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Hoskins and Mr. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. let him. Spenalzo in together. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours.
But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. perhaps. no police! No police! Look. Not the Melbourne method. We'll do it tomorrow. we'll do it. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. No. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. You forget. Mortimer. Look at me. go to bed. huh? The quick twist like in London. I think. Okay. No! I am tired. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. I know that look. what? . can't you? Yeah. You are going to operate tomorrow. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Okay. I think this calls for something special. I just heard him upstairs. Doctor. Johnny. Doctor. But Johnny. But the quick way. Doctor. the Melbourne method. My brother.-Remember. You can see that it's got to be done. Or the next day.
Mr. please? -What? Speak up. Get out. President. Mr. So I have. What is it. will you. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Mr. -I'll put on my signing clothes. I can't hear you. Get out! -Stop underplaying. I can't hear you. Brewster. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Don't do that. . A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Boy. Johnny's in a bad mood. President. What a load off my mind. President. Oh. President. I see! Very clever. Wait here. -Of course. You already have them on. Mr. Mr. Yes. -Please listen to me. mice? -You get out of this house. This must be secret. Hey. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. A secret proclamation? How unusual.
You've just been married. little fellow.. Please. -My schnapps. Only for dramatic critics. Please go now. look. Please.he's a madman. Don't those plays you see all the time . -What's that? Wait.Are you really a doctor? Yes. You take care of yourself. Heidelberg. But. Mr. Doc-. Horrible things.. You beat it before things start popping around here. Get going. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Stop it. please. I'll take care of him.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Please listen to me. when Johnny's in that mood.. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. . -I could use that. You have a nice little wife waiting for you.. Brewster. -That's mine. 1919. but you go now. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan.
it'll still be running when you get out. There's a man. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged.. There's a play that's so bad. And does he go? No. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. . He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. -What do you think he does? -I don't know.. he doesn't. Now listen to this. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. At least people in plays act like they got sense. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He's even been warned to get out.. Isn't that great? So there he is. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. Witherspoon.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. The murderer even invites him to sit down. When you get out of prison.
the quick way. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. I dreamt of you. you may consider that a blessing. were you out of my mind. Doctor. Yes. He wasn't very bright. . . Later on. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. That's right.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Look at the attitude. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. Please. Now get a load of this. brother Heidelberg... But what does he do? The big chump sits there..a fellow never sees or hears anything. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. All he has to do is look around.. In Melbourne one night. my dear brother. Now.. Johnny. in a play or even in a movie. .. I've been away for 20 years. for me.we go to work.. Mortimer.. but does he? No! See. This fellow's supposed to be bright. But never.
He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . we're performing before a very distinguished critic. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Here.-This must be an artistic achievement. We drink to you. But I cannot see this without the drink. You remember when we came in. I'll split it with you. That idiot! -He goes next. That's all. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. After all. there was some wine. please. And then they took it. Pull yourself together. We both have a drink before we operate. Please! All right. Where did they put it? I found some wine. dead brother. Let's get it over with. To my dear. Mortimer. -Please. Where are your manners? Yes. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. One moment.
Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. The quick way.-We'll get to him later. .. then the quick way. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up.. I'll help you. -What happened to him? -Nothing. I'd better talk to him myself. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. Like a flash. We're taking the bugle away from him. yes! If it has to be. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.. They practically stole that from my play. I see. sure. Yeah. It's all right. The quick way.. out of a clear sky. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. . In the second act.
. The scene changes.. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. I'm walking along my beat. -It's probably over his head. in the meantime. a fire breaks out. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. All of a sudden. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. "Miss Peaches La Tour. see? Little do I know it. It's an evolving stage. I'm in great danger. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me.. there's me. Well..He says. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. please. Growing into a magnificent specimen.. . . What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. It's getting you. You ain't heard nothing yet. casual-like. -What? -I personally like it very much. My mother doesn't say they're married..
Brophy. I figures I'll outsmart him. this is Mortimer Brewster. The neighbors are phoning in. He says we've got to put him away someplace. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -Johnny. That's the one that ran away. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. so I pulls out my gun.. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. Did they send you here? No. ...when a guy that I'm following.. Get me Mac.. Right in the middle of the second act. -There's a vacant house on the corner. who the heck is this? Mr. -I heard him. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. boys. -He's going to help me write my play. Brewster's brother. Now. My play put him to sleep. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. So he came back. we came to warn the old ladies. . The Lieutenant's on the warpath...
Mr. You think my aunts are sweet. we'll hold him right here. Your aunts are friends of ours. We found him. don't you? Well. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. -Come down to the cellar. 13. Brewster. -Wait a minute. Shall we bring him in? All right. Brewster. Be careful what you say. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. At the Brewster house. Yes. charming old ladies. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Leave him to me. The Lieutenant is on his way over.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. It wasn't that bad. Thirteen bodies. I better let them know that I found you. Mr. you've got me. -I'll show them to you. . So I've been turned in? All right.
too. please. look out! Amazing. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. I got something better. You could use this in the third act. -Go to the cellar with him. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Look out! Fight. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Pat. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. that's enough. Amazing. That's enough. Well. Go on and fight. I got him. Such a fine day.I'll show you where they're buried. He looks like Boris Karloff. Everybody off. Don't bother me now. -Go on down the cellar with him. look. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Pat. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. . -Yes. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. come to the cellar.
That won't have any effect. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Isn't that amazing? Oh.The papers are all signed. please. That's fine.. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Wish I could relax like that. fight. Get him. Pat. Thank you very much. Turn him over. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara.. -Come in. . brother. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. Boris. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Telephone. Don't do that. What do I care? Go ahead. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. -Witherspoon. I've tried it before-It did. dear.. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left.
he's wanted.you can at least read short detective stories..and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. Certainly.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. That's the way they described him. ... He's a lifer.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. . pal. "He looked like Karloff. About my not ringing in. That's my brother. You're suspended.. You're going to have a long time on that play. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. . Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Now go on. Report in. He says 13 bodies are there... He's wanted.." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. The guy who helped him escape. too.
Howdy. No sleep. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. -Hey. you. This is a spy.Here. Colonel. No. you've blown your last bugle. -Questioning of spies is my department. keep out of that. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. Nothing to eat. With flatheads like you on the force. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. But I'm not myself today. I'm Mortimer Brewster. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. We caught him at the White House. Colonel. . I want to question him. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Take him out and bring him to. Colonel. Get this gu y out of here.
I know just how you feel. . No arguments. Just a minute. -I'm waiting for Mr. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Last year there was a crazy guy. Witherspoon. Read this. I'm liable to think anything. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. -As long as he's going someplace. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute.You're his brother. no argument. Any offers? I'm Mr. Captain. Look. I have come to get a Brewster. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. There's people dumb enough to believe that. He's got to be put away. No arguments. take it easy. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. started a murder rumor.
Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. I'm so glad to see you." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Brewster? Mr. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. all I got to get is Witherspoon. That's all right! Do that again for me. Let me explain. This is fun. it's chicanery. Now. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. -Hold him till I get there. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. He's ready to talk. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Witherspoon is here. . -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Never mind! Give me that pen. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster.Mr. -That's fine.
. . -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. -That's good. I have one waiting now.. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. It means a great deal to me. -The woods are full of them. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I shan't mind. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. never. Taxicabs. you know-Captain. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. it's a play. secretly. Why? To take him away? Never. You do? It must be a nice place. Something I've been working on. I've never been there. We always. You never can tell. I sometimes envy some of our patients..And no wagon when he leaves. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. Witherspoon. You know. this is Mr. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight.
President. -What is this? No. all signed. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. your guide to Africa. President? Taft! No. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Let's see. my boy. I must get started immediately. Aunt Abby. this isn't Mr. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Taft. Goodbye. This is Captain Rooney. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers... you got it wrong. Happy man. Mr. I'll bring down my equipment. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . It's Mr. I have good news for you.-Come. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Mr. Your term of office is over. Aunt Martha. Now you can take him away. I'm on my way to Africa. Witherspoon..
You could arrange that. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. We promise to take his bugle away from him. we're going. haven't you? No. ladies. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. dear. You've come to meet Teddy. he can't go now! We won't permit it. No. let's be sensible. Now. -We won't be separated from Teddy. I've got it. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. jealousy. you'll have to take us with him.It's all right. indeed? It's sweet of them. but impossible. . Dissension. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. -If he's going. Oh. Why not? Why not. Too dangerous. he's come to take him. -I'm sorry. How can you allow this? You promised. too! -Yes.
No. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. ..It ain't only his bugle blowing.. . The graves are all marked.. What? Yes. Things are going to get worse. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. -How about it? -I'll be right there. -I'll look in that cellar. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. you wouldn't have to dig. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. You just ask our nephew. -I'll tell you what we'll do. Mortimer. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.and we'll get them all together. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.. He's been a little strange all day. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.
-Certainly. It's amazing.. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. None of mine are gentlemen. -He got married today.. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. There's one down there. Smile. . -But the other 12 are our gentlemen.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. Hasn't got it yet. If we can go with Teddy. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. I put neon lights on mine. a Mr. -Flowers? Sure.. humor them. "There is a Happy Dale far. Spenalzo. Teddy committed himself.. Humor them. Where are they? . we'll sign the papers. -You mustn't mind him at all.
right here. We've overlooked something. -Come here. -Good night. Doctor. will you? I want this all cleaned up. I'm going out to talk to that spy. if you'll sign right here. The neighborhood here has changed so. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Ladies. please. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Doctor. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. -Here? -Yes. Dr. please. Dr. I'm so sorry. -Were you leaving. please. Dr. please. here. . Sign them up. Doctor? -Yes. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Yes. ladies. Einstein. Just sign right here. A doctor. It's on the right-hand side there. dear. -A doctor? -Yes. Now. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Oh. I'm really looking forward to going. Come along.I have them. Maybe I can understand him.
yes. Read it to me. You sign as next of kin. Five-foot-three. Okay. Pop eyes. Mr. Witherport. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. . It's contagious. Doc. -Don't play games--You sign. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Hello. I'm Brewster. on the desk. But Dr. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Mac. That's great! Thanks. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. You've done Brooklyn a great service. The doctor has completed the signatures.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Don't mind me. Einstein! -Now. It's your turn. It's all right. Poses as a doctor. Mr. One hundred and forty pounds. Mac. will you? About 40. Thanks. Talks with a German accent.
President. We're very happy about the whole thing. darling. And you were born . -Here. -Mine? You see. -Me too.-Spoon. -What's wrong about that. Come up and pack my duffel. darling. Einstein--But it's not his signature. but that's just it. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. Now. dear. darling? -Martha. you know? And bring along my bugle. Well. of course. dear. -Well. you signed as next of kin. We don't want anything to go wrong. Mortimer. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. -It's yours. -What. Duffel? Pack his duffel. you tell him. don't be worried. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. He's President. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something.
. I really did see-- . Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. -Goodbye. Your real father was a cook. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it..we didn't want to lose her. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. They're off to a flying start..about three months afterwards. It's true. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Quiet! -But.. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.. So brother married her. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. too.
I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. I'm a son of a sea cook. We're going to Niagara Falls. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. But. its operators. love. dear. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Call me a cab. Yes. Mortimer. Mr.
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