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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. . That's their way of digging up people to do good to... .because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. Bless you..they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. You'd be surprised .but no man with this published attitude.... . No.... Don't you call them "the girls. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic..should take any man's daughter anyplace.. . Remember now. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.Their old man left them fixed for life. I must be catching cold. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.." either. He used to come to see us only occasionally. Sister Martha and I are so happy.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't... Reverend Harper... at any time. . and now.. He's so very much in love with her. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. watch your language.. dear. You know I'm not a swearing man. Brophy.
Splendid! Thank you. Harper from the church next door? Hello. we have nothing to report. sir? It's nice to meet you. This is Officer O'Hara. -Come right in. That's splendid work you men do. what news have you brought me? Colonel. I'll go. At ease. Brophy. by the library door. Thank you. -Miss Abby. Gentlemen. They're all packed. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. You know the Reverend Dr. The toys are on the chair up here. gentlemen. Teddy. dear. No. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room.what they'd consider swearing. How do you do. You get tired of playing cards. This is Officer O'Hara. the new man on the beat. absolutely nothing to report. we came for the toys. Will you excuse me? No. He's taking over my beat. Mr. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Brophy? . -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Teddy. -How do you do. no.
Father. Isn't it a shame.... Gentlemen..and the neighbors raised Cain. Look. Isn't it a shame...it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. thank you. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . He's an interesting character. Now don't do that again. I promised I wouldn't swear.. Reverend. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. . Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies.... Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. But a little weak. I'll make a note. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.She's better. Teddy. That's right. still. . but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. You've done so much already. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Sarge. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Please don't bother. They're afraid of him. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.
. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. Colonel. -Thank you. it goes to Australia. Thank you. The Army and Navy are ready for action. you're back. Teddy. Brophy. Miss Brewster. Martha. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. He's taking over my duties. No. Colonel. Here's the broth for Mrs. So long. Sarge. Be sure it's good and hot. Dismissed! . -Now. Officer O'Hara. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. -These are lovely. how do you do? Miss Martha. Hey.. now. put it back. -But the Oregon goes to Australia.Well. -Reverend. this is grand. dear. -Don't mention it. and thank you very much. It'll make a lot of kids happy. -The children will go crazy. Yes. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy.. -Not at all. You bet I will.
we thought if he'd be George Washington. I must be going. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. That is quite a problem.. indeed. -Careful of the step with the toys.. -Good night. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. .it might be a change for him. a long time ago.. and what's more important. Martha? Once. Well. Do you remember. let that be a lesson to you.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.. Young man... if he's happy. -Don't mention it. Goodbye.-Goodbye and thank you. -Well. and we suggested it. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Yes.. you're happy. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. . -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill..
I just couldn't wait for you. Dear. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. why? Good news for you. And dinner's going to be late.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. dear. So. I'm sure we needn't worry about him.. -But all by yourself. -I got along fine. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. And I was all alone. sweet Reverend Harper. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. Martha. I didn't know when you'd be back. You know. -No. dear. Did you just have tea? Yes. There wasn't time. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. .. too.. and Reverend Harper was coming. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. -I'll run right downstairs and see.
right out here with everyone looking? Yes. right out here with everyone looking. -Take her hat. But.. Just throw it. buddy. Wait a minute. I don't like that look in your eyes. Mortimer. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. And her brooch. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. keep them.. There they are. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen.. -It's Elaine! -Hello. you're going to love me . -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Hold on to that. -But. -You've got to drive us to the station. Please! For heaven's sake! But. darlings.Well? Just look in the windowseat. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Mortimer. -You ain't seen anything yet. If you find her hairpins. Here's your hat. -But that was only Sunday.
don't tell your father. darling. you see! You see? That's what I mean.. I don't have to. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. He's a dear.for my mind. You should've seen my secretary's face. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. Go on. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog.. There. I started packing the day after I met you. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your..and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. You'll see it often. the bridal suite in the hotel.. We've a room on the train. Yes. . I can handle Father. . hurry and pack. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. It goes just before this.. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. too? One thing at a time.. No.. Look. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. There's that look again! "There's that look again. That's what I hate about women.
you two old frauds. open the front door fast. We're married. Grand Central Station. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. here. Hurry. Did you send those roses to Mrs. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. -It'll be a few minutes. What? Now? No. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. -Whistle when you're ready. Hold on to your bustles. hurry. it's me. -Father may want to pray over me. darling. Oh. Isn't it too. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Elaine and I are married. dark streak of light. And throw in a flock . Brewster? Good. When you whistle.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. If you see a tall.
a wedding cake. Well. we can have our celebration. You know how your books upset him. But before you go. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. too. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. I'm going to burn all my books. Did everybody know I was getting married. I'll let the Reverend light the first match.of orange blossoms. -You won't have time to bake a cake. Of course. Oh. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. A taxi's waiting. of course. -And. dear. . I'll run along and get everything ready. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. We're going to Niagara Falls. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. It's all ready. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along.
Really? A honey of a lunatic. Isn't it wonderful? Well. thank you. Goodbye. dear. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. reminded me of Jonathan. I'm off to Panama. Just bully. Mr. A new lock for the canal. I know. you know. Oh. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. President? -Bully. dear! . I saw a play. goodbye. He'd scare grownups with it. My. Mr.Now you behave. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Hello. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. what a face! I remember now. President. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Mortimer! -How are you. Yes. had a character in it. "Oh. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.
When Teddy's working on the canal. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. That's after we're gone. you can't get his mind on anything else. darlings. I'm frightfully sorry. but I've got an awful shock for you. At once! -He's in the cellar. mister. . we talked with Reverend Harper about it. look. darling! Never mind that now. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. Teddy's killed a man.Yeah. listen. the first thing you see is a dead body. Yes. The next thing-Hey. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Well. When the curtain goes up. Now. what a play. Get him up here now. -There's no such hurry as that. dear. We know. Yes. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. dear. darlings. -You know? -Of course.
. Wait! Stop all this. You mean you. dear.. You put it in the wine? . That's really all I know about him. Hoskins. it has a distinct odor. He died first. Who is he? He's a Mr.Now. men just don't get into windowseats and die. except that he's a Methodist. Now look.. When it's in tea. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. No. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. You just forget about it. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. Adam Hoskins. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. how did he die? Mortimer.... don't be so inquisitive. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Aunt Martha. Mortimer. What the.
Abby. darling. The dears. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat. She's much better. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Now. Schultz. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well.. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. It's first-degree.because Reverend Harper was coming. but this time we'll go where we want to go.. not at tea. We must do that. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? .. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. you know all about it and just forget about it. tomorrow or next day.Yes. Yes. That wouldn't have been very nice.. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. . Look at me. Mortimer.
Mr. dear. I know what his name is. -But Mr. Mortimer. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Look. Now. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. you can't leave him in there. That's what we did with the others. We don't intend to. dear. They have so much fun. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. I want to know what we're going to do. digging the lock. You can't. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this.. dear. -We can't turn you over to the police. dear. Hoskins.. Whatever his name is. . it is. you behave. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. don't be so impatient. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes.. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Mortimer. here. Aunt Martha. Teddy's down in the cellar now. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. -Stop worrying about it.Yes. You're going to bury Mr. We told you to forget the whole thing.
" do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Abby. I think you're wrong.-Others? -The other gentlemen. For heaven's sake. Abby. Hello. . keep your shirt on! Elaine. It does? Well. This makes 12.. Let me see now.. I didn't mean-- . Hoskins first came in. isn't it. No. dear. she's probably right.. I get them mixed up sometimes. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. I really don't think you should count the first one. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. Abby. I was counting the first one. because I remember when Mr. Makes it 12. and that makes it 12. Abby usually is. dear. dear. But. This one is only 1 1 .it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. dear. Abby? No. This is 1 1. When you say "others. dear..
you poor. . .. Martha? We made up our minds.... Abby thinks we should count the first one. He was such a lonely. Never mind about that.and he thought Mr. .we would.to find that same peace.. ..looking so peaceful. .. Teddy came up from digging in Panama.. All his kith and kin were dead. Midgely.. We felt so sorry for him.. old men. . we all took him down to Panama. Twelve! Yes. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim... And that meant he had to be buried immediately.. then and there. Remember... Tell me.. You mean.. Why..Now.and he sat there dead in that chair. Where were we? Twelve... He was a Baptist. old gentleman... who was the first one? Mr. you see... when his heart attack came. So. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. let's see. Just sit down.... And then. dear.that if we could help other lonely. ..
You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. dear... for a gallon of elderberry wine. Well. Wait a minute! Come here. dear..l take one teaspoonful of arsenic... .and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial...in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. -Mortimer. No.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. .. There.. .. And then. Of course not! Well. Should have quite a kick. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves.....because we know exactly what's to be done. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. darling.... now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. just a pinch of cyanide. .... so. As a matter of fact. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .
. a sip of.. He's wonderful. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman .. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. La Guardia.. Winchell's no good.He did? Well.. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. What am I doing with tickets? Information. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Teddy! Of course. We must get that cake frosted. Let me see. Happy as a lark. Don't worry about the cake. Winchell? No.. Singing away. I couldn't eat a thing. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Who can I call up? Dewey. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. darling. Everybody knows he's crazy. That'd be nice. digging locks. Let me see.
dark streak of light.on North Shore Road. I heard you whistle. -How do I look? -You look fine. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. What'd you do. you! Thought you were tall. What's wrong? Look at your hair. I'll call you up tomorrow. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. -Run on home. Something's happened. . Yeah. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Brooklyn. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. please. yes. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh.
I'll tell you why I called you.. The police want to throw him into a state institution. Judge.If I could only tell you. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster.. It won't wait until tomorrow. about Teddy. I've got to come over and see you right away. -Go to bed. Judge. You smell so nice. very important. we were married today. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. You better go home! -But. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. . he's-It's his bugle blowing. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. Judge. It's about Teddy. Elaine. A thing happened. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. But it's a matter of life and. darling. We've got to do something immediately. It's very..
-Well. we can get him to Happy Dale. -All alone in the world? . How do you do? Come in. Now. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. New York. please. we're just setting the table for dinner. -My name's Gibbs. Do step in. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. I understand you've got a room to rent. Happy Dale. Doorbell's ringing. Don't like it. this would be a nice comfortable chair.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. do sit down. It's a wonderful place. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. I'm sorry. I'm Miss Brewster. Another Miss Brewster. And this is my sister. dear. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Operator? Give me long distance. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family.
-Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Well. Happy Dale.-Well. Well. Martha... but the cemetery's full of them. "D" Iike in "dig. It's elderberry wine. we make this ourselves. The room's upstairs. -Do sit down. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. ." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. That's right. -No. -Thank you. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. I don't think I'll like it. you've come to just the right house. Well. I'd like to see the room. skoal." when you dig a lock.. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Please. I can see the headlines now. -Dale.
Oh..but it's not only against the law.Hello. Don't do that. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. but you've given me an idea! Darling. . killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. I'm nervous.. Not that.. murdered. He wouldn't understand.. People wouldn't understand. What I mean is. madam. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.. it's wrong. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? ... I'm not drunk.
please. operator.-. Witherspoon. Witherspoon. Thank you. . but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. I see. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Oh. we want to commit him there immediately.. And if-Oh..That's amazing. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Mr. Thank you. dear. Witherspoon speaking. if he thought that-Mr. Oh. thanks. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Well. Brewster. Bonaparte. if your mind is made up. Mr.and it would lead to trouble. Well. How do you do. Of course. . Mr. Have you had the papers drawn up? No... do you-I'm fine. Witherspoon. Mr. Yes. now. dear.What? All right. Well. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. That's too bad. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.
What on earth could happen to us? Well. we'd have to know what it was first... . I want you to do one thing for me. I can't concentrate.. Well. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Anyway.. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. dear. I'll sing with you. I love you both very much. Oh. Get off that thing. you'll do that little thing for me. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. -But. Mortimer. dear.. I can't talk to you. I mean. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. like good girls. Now listen. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. don't you? Yes. Whosit where he is. darling. You know I'd do anything for you..Another Roosevelt. darling. but I want you to promise me something. I'm going to Judge Cullman's.
You know. Shame! Such a nice hat. Oh. Yes. cab! Here you are. You promise? Good. well. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. I can go faster that way. Why? He's just been married. that's right. anything. What is it? Mr. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. . Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. I'm so happy for Elaine. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Sure. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. The poor dears. -Don't open it. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Remember.I'll dance with you. What? Stop that.
As if we were expected. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. There's one up in my room. The family must still live here. it's a good hideout. This is the home of my youth. Johnny. -Let me look. Look. As a boy. -Do you recognize them? -No. I'll go. Yes. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. dear. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. I'm so hungry. Come in. and I've never seen them before. Johnny. -You look. Drink. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. they're strangers to me. . A fatted calf?. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. -Are you sure? -Yes. It's two men. we'll need another hymnal. Johnny. doctor.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services.
.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring.. You're nothing like Jonathan.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Your nephew. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. But I've seen that face before. .. so don't pretend you are. And you. Jonathan.. You just get out of here. It's Jonathan.A good omen. No.. you know.. Why. Einstein is responsible for that. Aunt Martha. .. still the high collar. He's a plastic surgeon.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.. Have you been in an accident? My face. Aunt Martha. Dr. you're not... his voice is like Jonathan's.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.. . do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. Rather a good joke on my aunts. six feet long. We'll get the car and after they're in bed..Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. we'll bring him in through the window.. I forgot to tell you.. And it just fits Mr. . How do we get him in here? Yes. We expect to be very busy.. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Spenalzo in through the door. I could be disagreeable. Four feet wide. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. Spenalzo along. we can't just walk Mr. Bed. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. Quick. Come here. Spenalzo.. That's hospitality.. as a boy. I don't have to go into details.You remember that. See the hole he's digging. -Down here.
He said the canal was just the right size. I don't want to leave it in the street. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. Hoskins? Mr. You'd better get to bed. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. A state secret? Yes. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. And he's been so patient.We're moving the car behind the house. the poor dear. there's been another yellow-fever victim. Teddy. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away. a state secret. Promise? You have the word of the President . we must keep it a secret. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. The car is all right where it is until morning. General Goethals was very pleased. No. I think Teddy had better take Mr. That might be against the law.
. . . I've never even seen Mr. considering that he's a Methodist.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. You can go right up. You two run along to bed. let's see. You just come right along and see him now. And we'll come down later and hold services.. Cross my heart and hope to die... Now get along. he's really very nice looking. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. You know..of the United States.. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. We've never had yellow fever there before. We're bringing the luggage through here. when everything's dark here. It seems to be spreading. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.. But you must be very tired. you were out.. .when I turn out the lights. Now. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. And then. Both of you. -And we don't go to bed this early. Your room is waiting for you.
you open the window. Just off the laboratory. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. I'll come back later. . Run along. Aunt Martha. All right. -All right. Take the bags upstairs. He's all right. You go round and hand him through. Aunt Abby. Where am l? Here I am. Doctor. It's dark in here. And then together we take him down to Panama. we'll all go to bed. Now! Turn out the lights. -I'll be right up. Johnny. Good night. Yeah. When I tap on the glass. Now. Aunt Abby. For the instruments. We must be quick. But he's too heavy for me. I'll take a look around outside the house. You go outside and push. and I'll stay here and pull. I'll open the window.-It's time I came home to take care of you.
wait a minute. Now I have him. I live next door. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. up! Now. Go open. Allez. I mean. wait a minute. I'll manage Spenalzo.Who left this open? Okay. Mortimer. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. it's Brewster. I'm not very used to it. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. You lost a leg somewhere. Now I have him. Help me. somebody's at the door. Go. Hand him over. Doctor! . What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Now I've got him! Johnny. I'm a brand-new Brewster. -But his shoe came off. Help me. He's so heavy. quick. He's so heavy. -Be careful. Now I got him.
l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. -You've heard of me? -Yes.It's all right... "That explains everything. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. that's all. Now that I know who you are. . -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. . That explains everything. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. I've never seen you before. I'm in this house every day. Einstein? Dr. We happen to live here. And something of a magician.." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. they talk about you. You don't live here. It's okay. May I present Dr. -You're Jonathan. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves..
You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. . No! Don't be a tomboy.I suppose it was you. the cellar. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Alice. I came to see Mortimer. Charge! Doctor. that's all! I see. I'll run--You've given two names. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. But if he's not home. No visitors. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Is that why you came over here? No. Go back to your room. a sneak thief. -What else did you see? -Just that. It's going to be a private funeral. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar.
"I've come back home. -Mortimer. I talk. . Mortimer. Go back to your room. -I'll handle this... Mortimer.." Listen. Mortimer. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr.. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy..when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Mortimer. -What? I've come back home. he--Wait a minute.. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Jonathan! -I've come back home. . Einstein. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. it talks! Yes. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Mortimer.. darling. Do you hear me? Don't answer that.-We'll call the police.
. No. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. -What? -Just for tonight. be a good fellow. Now. -In fact. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Nothing to. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. Please. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Here's $10.Yeah. . I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. I'm staying here from now on. We invited Jonathan and Dr... I'm staying here tonight. just a moment. I remember. Now look. We don't take up much room. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Einstein to stay. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other.
. Mr. Spenalzo. -Oh. While we are packing. that. in just a little while. Don't bring anyone else in here. Doctor. beat it! It's all right. I'll tell you about him. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Mortimer. I've completely lost track of Mr. Now. What? What's going to happen to Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Wait! Who's this Mr. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo. Johnny. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. you know what I do to people who order me around.Mortimer. I'll take care of you. Elaine. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for.
Yes.your brother tries to strangle me. -What? Go on home like a good girl. we were going over Niagara Falls. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. please. .. . He's some kind of a maniac. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Brewster. Witherspoon.. don't worry about it. -But--Please. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Well.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat.-It was worse than that. We were married today.. I can't hear the man.. Forget it. Darling. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. I'm here now.. I got things to do.. -You'd better run along home. Well.. . a taxi's waiting.. Mr. I'm afraid of him. look. I don't understand you.
wedding ring. I know it's late. Thank you.. darling. Let me think about this thing. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. Yeah.. signature... . I'll get both signatures. well. Doctor. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. Teddy. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.put them in a barrel. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. of course? By the doctor? Oh. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. By the way.I've got the papers all drawn up. . and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. come right away... darling. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. windowseat. taxi.
he's mistaken. It is not Mr. dear. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. I did. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. Hoskins in the windowseat.No. Hoskins! -By the way. You admitted you put Mr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Hoskins. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. . Yes. where is Mr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. Mr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. you come in here now! Yes. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am.
or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. handsome. I'm in no mood to debate the question. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. I did. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. poor dear. Don't. I've decided that we're staying... Oh. . No. you come straight along here.. and I mean now. Mortimer. And I've also decided that you're leaving. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Are you getting out.He's down there waiting for the services. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. what with Jonathan in the house. dear. Martha. Listen. We haven't had a minute.
Remember.. what happened to Mr. you're a Brewster. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. . Jonathan. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. I'll have to call the police. Jonathan is leaving. Mortimer. I've got some very good news for you. Don't reach for the telephone. in that case. And he's taking Dr. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Put down that telephone. -And this is another nephew. Come right in. -No! Come in.. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Listen. -Pleased to make your acquaintance.Aunt Abby. Well? All right. darling. -Yes. I owe you an apology. -Glad to see you. Einstein and that cold companion with him. You're my brother. You can't ask for more than that. This is our nephew. Officer. Spenalzo can happen to you. do come in. too.. -Pleased to meet you.
This is your last chance.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. You can tell me all about it. Officer O'Hara. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. -I'll be running along. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Mr. Einstein and Spenalzo. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. I'm working on a play now. I got to ring in. well. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. You are? Well.Your face is familiar. but I can't spell them. Spenalzo. If you don't leave here. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. . Dr. I can spell like the dickens. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. All three of you: you.
Look. Only Mortimer stands in our way. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Please. you lose your head. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. no. Okay. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Two old ladies as a front. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. please. We can make a fortune. Now get going! All three of you. We've got a wonderful setup here. Please! Doctor. Just give me one moment. let's go. O'Hara. I never did like Mortimer. No. Johnny. Johnny. we're coming back here. After that. Then if he tries to interfere-No. take it easy. We're not going. We're sleeping right here in this house. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Come.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Right with you.
in the cellar. I worked on it for 12 years. you asked for it.. Mortimer. -Swell. -Legitimate? Of course. Yes. It's no fly-by-night idea.. we got an ace in the hole. Well. -My mother was an actress. You stay out of this. I'll be back in a minute. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Excuse me. Move fast. rehash it. -I like the first act. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. If you tell O'Hara .. All right. -You're not going? -No. Well. We're not going. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. She was my mother. -I don't know.
How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.l'll tell him what's in the cellar... Genius at work.. You'd better ring in. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.what's in the windowseat. . The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. Lowbrows. This opening will kill you. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.. I'll meet you there later. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. I assure you. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Bohemian atmosphere.
Did he look guilty! Well..Look. You won't stand me up. You're smug. Jonathan. Where are those papers? There they are. And speaking of services. dear aunties. Wait for me! We'll wait for him.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Where do you. I think we can start the services now. -I'll see you down there. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. -Can't wait! Doctor...will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. will you? This is a great play.. I expect to find you gone.. you ring in and I'll see you later. When I come back. Well.. You've got to take him with you! .. That was just Mortimer. We thought we heard you leave. Martha. Yes.. You haven't. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. doctor. The moment the doctor signs. Perish the thought. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. ..
Twelve graves. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Hoskins. Why. there's no room for Mr. The cellar's crowded already. Spenalzo. Besides. Hoskins is no stranger. -But Mr. Mr. . Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. He must mean Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. They're both dead. It's one of our charities.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. what we've been doing is a mercy. Doctor. -He's one of our gentlemen. Hoskins--Mr. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. You mean.
-No. Arizona. . I've got 13.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful... You cannot count the one in South Bend. 12. Spenalzo out of here... Johnny. Two in Johannesburg. -Thirteen. That makes 13. Then the first one in London. . .So you just take your Mr. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. one in Phoenix.two in San Francisco.. You cannot count him. . one in Melbourne. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. they got 12. they got 12. You've done all that.. You got 12. and they do just as good as you do. What? You got 12. Don't brag.. He died of pneumonia. There's Mr. Phoenix? -The filling station.... Spenalzo. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him..... -Filling..and they stay right here in Brooklyn. one in Sydney.
. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies.. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. That's all. but I can't commit a man just on that. but only you can help me. . -Who? What? Did I say. I know Teddy blows bugles. Make yourself comfortable. Gilchrist. If you'd talk with him. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed..l'm sure you'd be convinced. Pull up a tombstone.The old ladies is just as good as you are. are they? Well. Dr.. -You wait here.. that's easily taken care of. They are. seeing a doctor. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.. I'll be right back. All I need is one more. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. -You better wait. This is most irregular. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween.. Just one more.
so good. Five more bucks and you'll own it. -Mr. that's that. So far. . Certainly. Welcome to Washington. It wouldn't fit me.50! Oh. $22. may I present--Dr. the meter! "Looks good on me. -Do you? -Yes. of course I love you. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. yes. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling." $22. President.50! -What? $22.50. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. Well now. thanks. Not so good. is it not? Yes. with a Maxim silencer. looks good on you! Not the suit. No. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. It gives me a chance to rest.-Hey. indeed. darling.
but you see. -That's what you think. I can't go through with our marriage. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower.. It practically gallops. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. . but I won't be elected. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. It's way back before Teddy.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. I'll run for a third term. Doctor.. I love you so much. insanity runs in my family.. -Of course.. that's ancient history.well. I probably should have told you this before. Darling.. that doesn't mean-No. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. -What are you talking about? -Well. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. darling. but it's only a matter of time. Darling. .. I don't quite know.. Just because Teddy's strange. if the country insists.
sanest people I've ever known. It'll just have to be undone. Goodbye. That's the way I love you. What of it? So your family's crazy. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. Just go on signing the papers. Ambassador. No. There's no use doing what you're doing. So you're crazy. I. Well. Thank you. go to bed! . I've enjoyed this little talk very much. I'm crazy too.Darling. Aunt Abby. -Go away. you better stop it.. They're Brewsters. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Look at your aunts. drop in to see me at the White House. even they have their peculiarities. -Those papers. Anytime you're in Washington. no. all this doesn't prove a thing.. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. but kiss me..
. Doctor. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. -Oh.. All right.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. I'll get them out. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Bed feels good already. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours.we're going for the police. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Spenalzo in together. . Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. You're forgetting. let him.. You know. Martha and I are going for the police.. Hoskins and Mr. Nice and smooth like a lake. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. This is all fixed up nice now. If Jonathan and Mr. . Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning.
no police! No police! Look. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. can't you? Yeah. what? . No! I am tired. we'll do it. No. We'll do it tomorrow. Okay. I know that look. Doctor. You are going to operate tomorrow. I just heard him upstairs. go to bed. Mortimer. Or the next day. the Melbourne method. But Johnny. Doctor. You forget.-Remember. not tonight! I'm sleepy. You can see that it's got to be done. Look at me. Okay. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. But the quick way. I think this calls for something special. huh? The quick twist like in London. Not the Melbourne method. I think. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. perhaps. Doctor. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. My brother. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. Johnny.
-Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. will you. Yes. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Mr. President. You already have them on. I can't hear you. . President. -Please listen to me. Boy. Mr. Get out. Don't do that. A secret proclamation? How unusual. I see! Very clever. Johnny's in a bad mood.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Mr. Mr. -Of course. Oh. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. mice? -You get out of this house. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. This must be secret. please? -What? Speak up. Hey. President. Get out! -Stop underplaying. President. So I have. Mr. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. What is it. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Brewster. What a load off my mind. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. I can't hear you. Wait here.
Stop it. Please. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. -I could use that. Doc-. little fellow. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. But. You take care of yourself. . I'll take care of him. Only for dramatic critics. 1919. Don't those plays you see all the time . but you go now. Brewster.. Get going. please. Heidelberg. Mr. look. Please listen to me. You've just been married. -That's mine. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Please go now..Are you really a doctor? Yes. You beat it before things start popping around here. when Johnny's in that mood.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look.. -My schnapps. Horrible things. Please.he's a madman.. He's a maniac! And then things happen. -What's that? Wait.
it'll still be running when you get out. There's a play that's so bad. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. Now listen to this. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. He's even been warned to get out. When you get out of prison. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. he doesn't. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard.. -What do you think he does? -I don't know.. Witherspoon. Isn't that great? So there he is. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. There's a man. At least people in plays act like they got sense.. . have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. The murderer even invites him to sit down. And does he go? No. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord.
were you out of my mind. for me. This fellow's supposed to be bright. brother Heidelberg. you may consider that a blessing..we go to work. Please. All he has to do is look around. Later on. I dreamt of you. Johnny. . . But what does he do? The big chump sits there. I've been away for 20 years.. That's right. but does he? No! See.. Look at the attitude.a fellow never sees or hears anything. the quick way.. in a play or even in a movie. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. . Yes. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. He wasn't very bright.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No.. Doctor. Mortimer. my dear brother. In Melbourne one night. Now get a load of this... But never. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. Now.. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.
Where are your manners? Yes. After all. Mortimer. But I cannot see this without the drink. You remember when we came in. there was some wine. Where did they put it? I found some wine. Let's get it over with.-This must be an artistic achievement. Pull yourself together. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. please. To my dear. That idiot! -He goes next. And then they took it. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. Please! All right. dead brother. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. -Please. Here. That's all. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . One moment. I'll split it with you. We drink to you. We both have a drink before we operate.
It's all right. I see. Yeah. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.-We'll get to him later. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. sure. -What happened to him? -Nothing. They practically stole that from my play. yes! If it has to be.. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. I'd better talk to him myself. . He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody.. In the second act. The quick way. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. then the quick way. The quick way. . I'll help you. out of a clear sky.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. We're taking the bugle away from him. Like a flash..
. -It's probably over his head. see? Little do I know it. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. I'm walking along my beat.. All of a sudden. -What? -I personally like it very much. there's me. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.. a fire breaks out. please.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. . "Miss Peaches La Tour. It's an evolving stage.. I'm in great danger. You ain't heard nothing yet. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. Well. My mother doesn't say they're married..He says. in the meantime. Growing into a magnificent specimen. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. It's getting you. casual-like. The scene changes... That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.
so I pulls out my gun.. Brewster's brother. So he came back. who the heck is this? Mr. -I heard him... Did they send you here? No. Brophy.. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. Get me Mac. The neighbors are phoning in. we came to warn the old ladies.. That's the one that ran away. this is Mortimer Brewster.. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in.when a guy that I'm following. -He's going to help me write my play. -Johnny. . it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. I figures I'll outsmart him.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. He says we've got to put him away someplace. . Now. -There's a vacant house on the corner. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Right in the middle of the second act. My play put him to sleep. boys..
-Wait a minute. Mr. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Yes. At the Brewster house. It wasn't that bad. Shall we bring him in? All right. Brewster. So I've been turned in? All right. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. We found him. Mr. I better let them know that I found you. . Your aunts are friends of ours. Leave him to me. don't you? Well. Thirteen bodies. You think my aunts are sweet. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Brewster. Be careful what you say. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. we'll hold him right here. 13. -Come down to the cellar. charming old ladies. -I'll show them to you. you've got me. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. The Lieutenant is on his way over.
He looks like Boris Karloff. That's enough. -Go to the cellar with him. . All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. You could use this in the third act. Such a fine day. look. I got him. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. -Go on down the cellar with him. please. look out! Amazing. -Yes. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. I got something better. Pat. Look out! Fight. that's enough. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Don't bother me now. Pat. too. Amazing.I'll show you where they're buried. Well. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Go on and fight. come to the cellar. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Everybody off. Let me tell you-I'll see you later.
Isn't that amazing? Oh. -Come in. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff.The papers are all signed. . dear. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Wish I could relax like that. Boris. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. brother. Turn him over. That's fine. Telephone. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. fight. I've tried it before-It did. That won't have any effect. Thank you very much. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left... -Witherspoon. Get him. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Don't do that.. Pat. What do I care? Go ahead. please.
He says 13 bodies are there. . "He looked like Karloff.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. he's wanted. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. Certainly. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.you can at least read short detective stories. pal. You're going to have a long time on that play... You're suspended. He's wanted. That's my brother. Now go on. That's the way they described him. too.. He's a lifer. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane.. ... Report in. The guy who helped him escape.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. About my not ringing in. .
Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. -Hey. I want to question him. With flatheads like you on the force. Nothing to eat. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. . you've blown your last bugle. No. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. No sleep. -Questioning of spies is my department. We caught him at the White House. you. Take him out and bring him to. Colonel. But I'm not myself today. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. keep out of that. Colonel.Here. Howdy. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. This is a spy. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service.
-As long as he's going someplace. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. No arguments. I know just how you feel. He's got to be put away.You're his brother. started a murder rumor. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Read this. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. no argument. Captain. Any offers? I'm Mr. No arguments. I have come to get a Brewster. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Look. Last year there was a crazy guy. -I'm waiting for Mr. take it easy. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I'm liable to think anything. . Witherspoon. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Just a minute.
Brewster? Mr. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. I'm so glad to see you. -That's fine. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. That's all right! Do that again for me. Never mind! Give me that pen. . -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. it's chicanery. Witherspoon is here. He's ready to talk. -Hold him till I get there. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. all I got to get is Witherspoon.Mr. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. This is fun. Let me explain. Now. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No.
it's a play.. I have one waiting now. I've never been there. . He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. I shan't mind..And no wagon when he leaves. this is Mr. You never can tell. -The woods are full of them. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. We always.. It means a great deal to me. Taxicabs. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. secretly. Witherspoon. You do? It must be a nice place. -That's good. Why? To take him away? Never. you know-Captain. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. Something I've been working on. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. You know. never. I sometimes envy some of our patients.
Your term of office is over. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Mr. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Aunt Abby.. President? Taft! No. It's Mr. -What is this? No. Taft. your guide to Africa. Now you can take him away. Aunt Martha. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . -Is this March 4? -Practically.. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. I'll bring down my equipment. Let's see. I have good news for you. all signed. you got it wrong. I'm on my way to Africa. my boy. Mr. I must get started immediately. This is Captain Rooney. Goodbye. this isn't Mr. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. President. Witherspoon..-Come. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Happy man.
These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. -I'm sorry. -If he's going. Too dangerous. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. How can you allow this? You promised. You could arrange that. ladies. -We won't be separated from Teddy. Now. let's be sensible. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. he can't go now! We won't permit it. but impossible. you'll have to take us with him. Why not? Why not. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. haven't you? No. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Dissension. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. . too! -Yes. I've got it. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn.It's all right. We promise to take his bugle away from him. he's come to take him. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. dear. Oh. indeed? It's sweet of them. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. we're going. You've come to meet Teddy. jealousy. No.
No. Things are going to get worse. -How about it? -I'll be right there.. .. -I'll look in that cellar.. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. you wouldn't have to dig.. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. You just ask our nephew. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. The graves are all marked. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar.It ain't only his bugle blowing. -I'll tell you what we'll do. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. . Mortimer. What? Yes. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. He's been a little strange all day.and we'll get them all together.
a Mr. we'll sign the papers. Spenalzo.. -Certainly. Where are they? . Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. I put neon lights on mine. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. -Flowers? Sure. Smile. "There is a Happy Dale far.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. It's amazing. humor them. Humor them. -He got married today. . There's one down there. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.. If we can go with Teddy.-We put flowers on them every Sunday.. -You mustn't mind him at all. Hasn't got it yet. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. None of mine are gentlemen.. Teddy committed himself.
Doctor? -Yes. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. ladies. here. Ladies. Doctor. Maybe I can understand him. will you? I want this all cleaned up. I'm so sorry. A doctor. Doctor. please. right here. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. The neighborhood here has changed so. Oh. dear. please. -A doctor? -Yes. I'm going out to talk to that spy. please. Now. -Here? -Yes. Just sign right here. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. It's on the right-hand side there.I have them. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Dr. if you'll sign right here. please. Dr. . Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Come along. I'm really looking forward to going. -Good night. Dr. -Were you leaving. Yes. -Come here. Einstein. We've overlooked something. Sign them up.
His accomplice's description is on the circular. Okay. It's contagious. on the desk. But Dr. -Don't play games--You sign. You sign as next of kin. Doc. . Hello. Mr. Einstein! -Now. You've done Brooklyn a great service. That's great! Thanks. Don't mind me. Thanks. Talks with a German accent. It's all right. Read it to me. Mr. will you? About 40. It's your turn. Mac. Witherport. yes. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. The doctor has completed the signatures. Poses as a doctor.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Mac. One hundred and forty pounds. Pop eyes. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. I'm Brewster. Five-foot-three.
We don't want anything to go wrong. you know? And bring along my bugle. of course. -What's wrong about that. Duffel? Pack his duffel. you tell him. don't be worried. darling? -Martha. -Me too. Einstein--But it's not his signature. -It's yours. -What. -Well. darling. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. Come up and pack my duffel. you signed as next of kin. Mortimer. And you were born . You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. dear. He's President. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. darling. We're very happy about the whole thing. Well. Now. President. dear. -Mine? You see. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr.-Spoon. -Here. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. but that's just it.
we didn't want to lose her. . He was a chef on a tramp steamer. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye.. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. Quiet! -But.. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook.. They're off to a flying start. -Goodbye. Your real father was a cook.about three months afterwards. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine.. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. It's true. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. I really did see-- . So brother married her. too.
I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. I'm a son of a sea cook. Call me a cab. Mr. dear. But. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Yes. We're going to Niagara Falls. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Mortimer. love. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. its operators.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh.
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