Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

should take any man's daughter anyplace. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed..Their old man left them fixed for life. ... and now. You'd be surprised ..he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. dear.....but no man with this published attitude.." either. .. Reverend Harper. . . He used to come to see us only occasionally.. I must be catching cold... But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. No.. Remember now.. You know I'm not a swearing man.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.. at any time.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. Bless you. . Sister Martha and I are so happy. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. Don't you call them "the girls. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. watch your language. He's so very much in love with her... Brophy. That's their way of digging up people to do good to..

-So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. sir? It's nice to meet you. absolutely nothing to report. No. I'll go. This is Officer O'Hara. Teddy. Brophy? . Thank you. dear. we came for the toys. They're all packed. by the library door.what they'd consider swearing. You get tired of playing cards. Gentlemen. -How do you do. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. no. At ease. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Brophy. gentlemen. You know the Reverend Dr. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. How do you do. the new man on the beat. That's splendid work you men do. Will you excuse me? No. Mr. The toys are on the chair up here. This is Officer O'Hara. Splendid! Thank you. we have nothing to report. -Miss Abby. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. He's taking over my beat. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Teddy. -Come right in. what news have you brought me? Colonel.

. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. Please don't bother. . that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .and the neighbors raised Cain. Gentlemen. thank you.She's better. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Look.. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. Reverend. You've done so much already.. Isn't it a shame. Father..... They're afraid of him. Now don't do that again. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. I'll make a note. Teddy. still. He's an interesting character. But a little weak. Isn't it a shame. That's right. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. I promised I wouldn't swear.. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies... Sarge...

Be sure it's good and hot.. Miss Brewster. The Army and Navy are ready for action. You bet I will. Colonel. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. -Not at all. Martha. Hey. -These are lovely.. Teddy. how do you do? Miss Martha. He's taking over my duties. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Officer O'Hara. Sarge. Thank you. dear.. put it back. -Thank you. it goes to Australia. Brophy. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Dismissed! . now. and thank you very much. So long. No. -Don't mention it. Colonel. -Reverend. you're back. It'll make a lot of kids happy.Well. Here's the broth for Mrs. -Now. this is grand. -The children will go crazy. Yes.

and we suggested it. Martha? Once. Yes. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. indeed. . Well... you're happy. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. .. Young man.-Goodbye and thank you. That is quite a problem. -Don't mention it.it might be a change for him.. Goodbye. let that be a lesson to you.. I must be going. Do you remember. -Well. -Good night. a long time ago.. and what's more important.. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.. -Careful of the step with the toys. if he's happy.

dear.. I just couldn't wait for you. You know. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. And dinner's going to be late. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. -But all by yourself. There wasn't time. I didn't know when you'd be back. sweet Reverend Harper. So. dear.. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Martha. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. And I was all alone. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Did you just have tea? Yes. Dear. -No. and Reverend Harper was coming. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. too. . why? Good news for you. -I got along fine..to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.

. -You ain't seen anything yet. buddy. Wait a minute. darlings.. But. -But. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. -You've got to drive us to the station. Mortimer. There they are. Mortimer. keep them. And her brooch. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. If you find her hairpins. Here's your hat. Hold on to that. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -But that was only Sunday. I don't like that look in your eyes. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Just throw it.. -This old cab has seen osculation but.Well? Just look in the windowseat. -Take her hat. right out here with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. -It's Elaine! -Hello. you're going to love me .

.for my mind... I don't have to. There's that look again! "There's that look again. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. darling..and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. . too? One thing at a time. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. It goes just before this. I started packing the day after I met you.. hurry and pack.. the bridal suite in the hotel. Yes. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. We've a room on the train. You should've seen my secretary's face. There.. That's what I hate about women. . You'll see it often. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. Look. don't tell your father. Go on. He's a dear. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. I can handle Father. you see! You see? That's what I mean. No.

-Father may want to pray over me. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. you two old frauds. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. hurry. Isn't it too. -Whistle when you're ready. Did you send those roses to Mrs. -It'll be a few minutes. darling. Brewster? Good. Hurry. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. If you see a tall. open the front door fast. When you whistle. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Oh. dark streak of light. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. We're married. it's me. Elaine and I are married. What? Now? No. Hold on to your bustles. Grand Central Station. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. And throw in a flock .I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. here.

Oh. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. -And. A taxi's waiting. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. we can have our celebration. of course. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'm going to burn all my books. too. Did everybody know I was getting married. It's all ready.of orange blossoms. -You won't have time to bake a cake. Well. But before you go. dear. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. I'll run along and get everything ready. Of course. a wedding cake. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. You know how your books upset him. . I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time.

dear! . One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. goodbye. A new lock for the canal. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Hello. Mortimer! -How are you. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Really? A honey of a lunatic. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Isn't it wonderful? Well. you know. He'd scare grownups with it. President. what a face! I remember now. had a character in it. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Mr. "Oh. Oh. Goodbye. I saw a play. dear. I know.Now you behave. President? -Bully. My. I'm off to Panama. Mr. Yes. Just bully. thank you. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. reminded me of Jonathan.

Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes.Yeah. I'm frightfully sorry. When Teddy's working on the canal. dear. darlings. -You know? -Of course. Teddy's killed a man. When the curtain goes up. Well. That's after we're gone. . the first thing you see is a dead body. you can't get his mind on anything else. mister. Get him up here now. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. The next thing-Hey. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Yes. listen. look. Yes. -There's no such hurry as that. dear. We know. Now. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. darlings. At once! -He's in the cellar. what a play. darling! Never mind that now. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. but I've got an awful shock for you.

. What the. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.Now. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.. You just forget about it. You put it in the wine? . don't be so inquisitive. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. it has a distinct odor.. Adam Hoskins. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. Hoskins. men just don't get into windowseats and die. Aunt Martha.. Now look. except that he's a Methodist. Who is he? He's a Mr. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. That's really all I know about him.. No. When it's in tea. dear. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. Mortimer.. how did he die? Mortimer. You mean you. Wait! Stop all this. He died first.

Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . She's much better. Abby.. And I put Mr. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people.. Hoskins in the windowseat.. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. Now. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. darling. not at tea. but this time we'll go where we want to go. tomorrow or next day. That wouldn't have been very nice. We must do that. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. . You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Mortimer.. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Look at me. Yes.because Reverend Harper was coming.Yes. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. It's first-degree. you know all about it and just forget about it. Schultz. The dears.

We told you to forget the whole thing. you behave. I want to know what we're going to do. That's what we did with the others. dear. Now. -We'll let you lick the bowl. -But Mr. here. Teddy's down in the cellar now. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. We don't intend to. . I know what his name is. You can't. you can't leave him in there..Yes. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. Mortimer. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to.. They have so much fun. Mortimer. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Hoskins. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Look. -We can't turn you over to the police. digging the lock. dear.. it is. -Stop worrying about it. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. dear. don't be so impatient. You're going to bury Mr. Mr. Aunt Martha. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. dear. Whatever his name is.

dear. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Abby. and that makes it 12. Makes it 12. dear.. I really don't think you should count the first one. because I remember when Mr. dear. Abby. When you say "others. keep your shirt on! Elaine. No.. This makes 12. It does? Well. Abby. Hoskins first came in. Abby? No. This is 1 1. This one is only 1 1 . dear. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why.. I get them mixed up sometimes. I didn't mean-- . . But. Abby usually is.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. she's probably right. I was counting the first one. I think you're wrong.-Others? -The other gentlemen.. Let me see now. For heaven's sake. dear. Hello." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. isn't it.

then and there. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.. let's see. Where were we? Twelve.. dear... . He was a Baptist....and he thought Mr.. And then..that if we could help other lonely.. you poor.. Remember. Martha? We made up our minds. Twelve! Yes. old gentleman.. You mean.. So. . who was the first one? Mr.... you see. He was such a lonely.. Just sit down. All his kith and kin were dead.and he sat there dead in that chair.looking so peaceful.we would. We felt so sorry for him. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. Midgely... Never mind about that. . when his heart attack came. Tell me.. .. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. Why. we all took him down to Panama. ... Teddy came up from digging in Panama.to find that same peace.. . ... old men. Abby thinks we should count the first one...Now.

.... -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. so.. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. . And then. .. for a gallon of elderberry wine.. There. darling.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.... dear.. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine... Wait a minute! Come here. Well. -Mortimer. dear.. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.. As a matter of fact.. No. just a pinch of cyanide..l take one teaspoonful of arsenic... . Of course not! Well. Should have quite a kick. . now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it..because we know exactly what's to be done.

darling..He did? Well. What am I doing with tickets? Information. He's wonderful. Happy as a lark. Don't worry about the cake.. Let me see. We must get that cake frosted. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this.. Singing away. That'd be nice. Everybody knows he's crazy. a sip of. Let me see. Winchell? No. Winchell's no good. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Teddy! Of course.. La Guardia. I couldn't eat a thing. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night.. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Who can I call up? Dewey. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman .. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. digging locks.

would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey.on North Shore Road. yes. please. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. What'd you do. Yeah. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. you! Thought you were tall. dark streak of light. I heard you whistle. -Run on home. What's wrong? Look at your hair. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. I'll call you up tomorrow. -How do I look? -You look fine. . Something's happened. Brooklyn. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling.

A thing happened. we were married today. It's about Teddy. Judge. -Go to bed. We've got to do something immediately. Judge. he's-It's his bugle blowing. You smell so nice. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. I'll tell you why I called you. It won't wait until tomorrow. about Teddy. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. Elaine.. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.If I could only tell you. . You better go home! -But. very important. It's very. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. But it's a matter of life and.. darling. Judge.. I've got to come over and see you right away. The police want to throw him into a state institution.

-Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Now. New York. -Well. I understand you've got a room to rent. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Happy Dale. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. It's a wonderful place. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. I'm sorry. we're just setting the table for dinner. -My name's Gibbs. Operator? Give me long distance. Don't like it. And this is my sister. we can get him to Happy Dale. please. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. -All alone in the world? . do sit down. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Another Miss Brewster. I'm Miss Brewster. dear. How do you do? Come in. Doorbell's ringing. Do step in. this would be a nice comfortable chair.

I don't think I'll like it. -Thank you." when you dig a lock. I can see the headlines now. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Happy Dale." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. I'd like to see the room. we make this ourselves. It's elderberry wine. -No. "A" Iike in "arsenic. The room's upstairs. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. -Do sit down.. "D" Iike in "dig.-Well.. but the cemetery's full of them. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. That's right. -Dale. Well. you've come to just the right house. skoal. Well. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. . Martha. Please.. Well.

Not that. murdered.. Oh.. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. but you've given me an idea! Darling.. Don't do that. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... it's wrong.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.but it's not only against the law. madam. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. . you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you.Hello. I'm nervous. I'm not drunk.

How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. dear. dear. Mr. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Witherspoon speaking. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present.and it would lead to trouble.What? All right. And if-Oh. now. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.. do you-I'm fine. Witherspoon. I see. Mr. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Oh. That's too bad. Mr. thanks. Yes. . Well. Brewster. Thank you. operator. Witherspoon. Oh. Well. Well. if he thought that-Mr. How do you do. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Mr. Witherspoon. .That's amazing..-. we want to commit him there immediately.. please. Bonaparte. if your mind is made up.. Of course. Thank you.

I mean. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. Well. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. Mortimer. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. . I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. dear.. What on earth could happen to us? Well. but I want you to promise me something. I can't concentrate.. darling. like good girls. dear. Oh. I'll sing with you. I love you both very much.. You know I'd do anything for you. don't you? Yes.. we'd have to know what it was first. darling... I can't talk to you. Now listen. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes.Another Roosevelt. -But. Whosit where he is. Get off that thing. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. I want you to do one thing for me. Anyway. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. you'll do that little thing for me.

Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. I'll sit with you! Yeah.I'll dance with you. What is it? Mr. The poor dears. that's right. Remember. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. What? Stop that. I can go faster that way. -Don't open it. Sure. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Oh. well. anything. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. You know. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. You promise? Good. Why? He's just been married. Shame! Such a nice hat. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. . I'm so happy for Elaine. cab! Here you are. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Yes.

I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. Johnny. -Are you sure? -Yes. It's two men. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. As a boy. it's a good hideout. Johnny. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. -Let me look. Yes. Look. I'm so hungry. . We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. This is the home of my youth. A fatted calf?. doctor. I'll go. -You look. Johnny. There's one up in my room. Come in. they're strangers to me.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. and I've never seen them before. -Do you recognize them? -No. Drink. As if we were expected. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. dear. The family must still live here. we'll need another hymnal.

I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring.A good omen. You're nothing like Jonathan.. No. you're not. But I've seen that face before.. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Have you been in an accident? My face.. It's Jonathan. you know. so don't pretend you are. Jonathan.. Your nephew. . He's a plastic surgeon. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. Dr. You just get out of here....that Grandma Brewster bought in England. And you. still the high collar. Why. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. . Aunt Martha..to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. Einstein is responsible for that. .. Aunt Martha.. his voice is like Jonathan's.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

as a boy. we can't just walk Mr. Come here. we'll bring him in through the window. We expect to be very busy. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. And it just fits Mr. I could be disagreeable.... six feet long. I forgot to tell you. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.. Bed. Four feet wide. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.You remember that. Spenalzo. Rather a good joke on my aunts. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Quick. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. See the hole he's digging. Spenalzo in through the door. . That's hospitality. Spenalzo along. I don't have to go into details. -Down here.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. ... How do we get him in here? Yes.

No. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. He said the canal was just the right size. Teddy. And he's been so patient. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. The car is all right where it is until morning. the poor dear. What are we going to do about Mr. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. A state secret? Yes. That might be against the law. I think Teddy had better take Mr. we must keep it a secret.We're moving the car behind the house. there's been another yellow-fever victim. a state secret. Hoskins downstairs right away. I don't want to leave it in the street. You'd better get to bed. General Goethals was very pleased. Hoskins? Mr. Promise? You have the word of the President .

You know. -And we don't go to bed this early. And we'll come down later and hold services. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. You two run along to bed. We're bringing the luggage through here.. . . when everything's dark here. Your room is waiting for you. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. You can go right up. .when I turn out the lights. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. you were out. Now. he's really very nice looking.... let's see. We've never had yellow fever there before. Both of you.of the United States. You just come right along and see him now. Now get along. But you must be very tired. And then. It seems to be spreading.. Cross my heart and hope to die. I've never even seen Mr. considering that he's a Methodist... I think you'd better get back down into the cellar.

Run along. He's all right. I'll open the window. For the instruments. It's dark in here. We must be quick. You go outside and push. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. All right.-It's time I came home to take care of you. I'll take a look around outside the house. Yeah. Aunt Martha. we'll all go to bed. Now. I'll come back later. Good night. Aunt Abby. When I tap on the glass. and I'll stay here and pull. -All right. Where am l? Here I am. Take the bags upstairs. And then together we take him down to Panama. . Doctor. But he's too heavy for me. you open the window. Just off the laboratory. Johnny. -I'll be right up. You go round and hand him through. Now! Turn out the lights. Aunt Abby.

He's so heavy. Go open. Doctor! . What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Mortimer. up! Now. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. I'm a brand-new Brewster. somebody's at the door. You lost a leg somewhere. Go. wait a minute. I'll manage Spenalzo. Help me. I mean. Allez. Now I got him. Now I have him. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. Help me. I'm not very used to it. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. -Be careful. quick. it's Brewster. Hand him over. Now I've got him! Johnny. wait a minute.Who left this open? Okay. -But his shoe came off. He's so heavy. Now I have him. I live next door.

. It's okay. I'm in this house every day.It's all right. . Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. I've never seen you before. You don't live here.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. . That explains everything. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. Now that I know who you are. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. May I present Dr. We happen to live here. Einstein? Dr. And something of a magician.. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.. "That explains everything. that's all.. -You've heard of me? -Yes. -You're Jonathan. they talk about you.

that's all! I see. Is that why you came over here? No. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. But if he's not home. the cellar. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. a sneak thief. Alice. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. No! Don't be a tomboy. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. Go back to your room. It's going to be a private funeral. Charge! Doctor. I came to see Mortimer. -What else did you see? -Just that. I'll run--You've given two names. . No visitors.I suppose it was you. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes.

Jonathan! -I've come back home. ..when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails.. "I've come back home. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. Einstein. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. I talk. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Mortimer.." Listen.-We'll call the police.. it talks! Yes.. -I'll handle this. -Mortimer. Go back to your room.. . Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Mortimer. he--Wait a minute. Mortimer. Mortimer. darling.. -What? I've come back home.

Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. just a moment. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Nothing to. -In fact. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away.Yeah.. be a good fellow. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Einstein to stay. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. I'm staying here from now on. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. . Now look. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. We don't take up much room. Please. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. Here's $10. I'm staying here tonight. I remember.. We invited Jonathan and Dr. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. -What? -Just for tonight. No. Now..

Doctor. While we are packing. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Mortimer. . Now. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. darling? -I almost got killed. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. beat it! It's all right. that. -Oh. Johnny. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat.Mortimer. in just a little while. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. I'll take care of you. Wait! Who's this Mr. I'll tell you about him. I've completely lost track of Mr. Don't bring anyone else in here. Elaine. Mr.

Well.. -But--Please. look. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.. I'm here now. please.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. . .. Well. we were going over Niagara Falls..-It was worse than that. -What? Go on home like a good girl.your brother tries to strangle me.. I can't hear the man. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. I'm afraid of him. Brewster. He's some kind of a maniac. I don't understand you. Yes. don't worry about it. Darling. .. -You'd better run along home. I got things to do. We were married today. a taxi's waiting. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Forget it.. Mr. Witherspoon.. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.

Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.put them in a barrel. signature.I've got the papers all drawn up. well... I'll get both signatures.. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. taxi.. come right away. windowseat. darling. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. . Teddy. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. Thank you. Doctor. I know it's late. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please.. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. Yeah. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Let me think about this thing. wedding ring.. . of course? By the doctor? Oh. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.. darling. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. By the way.

you come in here now! Yes. It is not Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. Hoskins in the windowseat. where is Mr. I did. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. he's mistaken. . Mr. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Hoskins! -By the way. Yes.No. Hoskins. You admitted you put Mr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. dear. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you.

Oh. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Listen. poor dear. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. Are you getting out. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Don't. And I've also decided that you're leaving.. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. We haven't had a minute. Martha. Mortimer. No. dear. and I mean now. . I've decided that we're staying.He's down there waiting for the services. I did.. you come straight along here. handsome. I'm in no mood to debate the question. what with Jonathan in the house. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat.. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there.

Spenalzo can happen to you. -Pleased to meet you. -Glad to see you. Come right in. Officer. I've got some very good news for you. You can't ask for more than that. Einstein and that cold companion with him. And he's taking Dr. Jonathan is leaving. -No! Come in. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. you're a Brewster. . in that case. -Yes. Well? All right. I'll have to call the police.Aunt Abby. too. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Remember. -And this is another nephew. do come in. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness.. Listen.. Don't reach for the telephone. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. what happened to Mr. Mortimer. You're my brother. I owe you an apology. This is our nephew.. Put down that telephone. darling. Jonathan.

You can tell me all about it. I can spell like the dickens. Officer O'Hara. All three of you: you.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. Dr. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. If you don't leave here. This is your last chance. Spenalzo. I got to ring in. but I can't spell them. well. -I'll be running along. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. . Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Mr. Einstein and Spenalzo. I'm working on a play now. You are? Well.Your face is familiar. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out.

We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. let's go. Johnny. We're not going. We're sleeping right here in this house. O'Hara. we're coming back here. Please. No. Two old ladies as a front. Just give me one moment. Come. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Only Mortimer stands in our way. take it easy. you lose your head. Look. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . I never did like Mortimer. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Okay. Then if he tries to interfere-No. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Please! Doctor. Right with you. please. We've got a wonderful setup here. Now get going! All three of you. no. Johnny. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. After that. We can make a fortune.

What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. Well. -I don't know. -My mother was an actress. Mortimer. Yes.in the cellar. we got an ace in the hole. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. -Excuse me.. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. She was my mother. Move fast. rehash it. All right. -You're not going? -No. I'll be back in a minute. If you tell O'Hara . We're not going. It's no fly-by-night idea. -I like the first act. -Swell. -Legitimate? Of course. I worked on it for 12 years. you asked for it. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn.. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you.. Well. You stay out of this.

Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. I'll meet you there later. I assure you. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. . The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.l'll tell him what's in the cellar.. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.what's in the windowseat.. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. This opening will kill you. Bohemian atmosphere. You'd better ring in. Genius at work. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . Lowbrows..

.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.. Yes.. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. You're smug. Did he look guilty! Well. You haven't. Perish the thought.. You've got to take him with you! . Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. doctor... That was just Mortimer. .. And speaking of services. When I come back. will you? This is a great play.. I think we can start the services now. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Jonathan. I expect to find you gone. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Well. You won't stand me up. Martha. you ring in and I'll see you later.Look. We thought we heard you leave. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. Where do you. Where are those papers? There they are.. dear aunties.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. -I'll see you down there. -Can't wait! Doctor. The moment the doctor signs.

-Your gentlemen? Yes. . Why. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. He must mean Mr. The cellar's crowded already. And he's no friend of Mortimer's.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Twelve graves. Mr. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. -But Mr. there's no room for Mr. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Mr. Besides. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Hoskins is no stranger. Hoskins. Hoskins--Mr. You mean. It's one of our charities. Doctor. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. what we've been doing is a mercy. Spenalzo. -He's one of our gentlemen. They're both dead. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together.

. one in Melbourne. -Filling.. -Thirteen..two in San Francisco..and they stay right here in Brooklyn. Arizona. 12.. He died of pneumonia. Two in Johannesburg.. You cannot count him. .. Johnny.. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. . I've got 13. .right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. Don't brag.. . There's Mr.. -No. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. Phoenix? -The filling station... What? You got 12.. You got 12. one in Phoenix. and they do just as good as you do. You've done all that. they got 12.. one in Sydney. Spenalzo out of here. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. That makes 13. they got 12. Spenalzo. You cannot count the one in South Bend.So you just take your Mr. Then the first one in London..

Gilchrist. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. I know Teddy blows bugles. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. Just one more. Pull up a tombstone. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. If you'd talk with him. I'll be right back.The old ladies is just as good as you are... -You better wait. are they? Well.. All I need is one more. Dr. And I've a pretty good idea who it is.. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. -You wait here. but only you can help me. that's easily taken care of. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. Make yourself comfortable. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. seeing a doctor.. . They are. .. This is most irregular. That's all. -Who? What? Did I say.l'm sure you'd be convinced. but I can't commit a man just on that..

50! Oh. looks good on you! Not the suit. that's that.50. President. Welcome to Washington. Not so good.50! -What? $22. It wouldn't fit me. thanks. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. It gives me a chance to rest. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. -Mr. so good. the meter! "Looks good on me. Well now. . with a Maxim silencer. So far. yes. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. may I present--Dr." $22. is it not? Yes. Certainly.-Hey. $22. darling. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. -Do you? -Yes. of course I love you. indeed. No.

would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Doctor. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. -That's what you think. . It's way back before Teddy. . that doesn't mean-No. Darling. that's ancient history.. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. if the country insists. Darling. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. I can't go through with our marriage. I'll run for a third term. -What are you talking about? -Well. I probably should have told you this before. Just because Teddy's strange.. I love you so much. but I won't be elected. It practically gallops. but it's only a matter of time..well..Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling.. I don't quite know.. insanity runs in my family. darling. but you see.. -Of course.

but kiss me. Just go on signing the papers. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. So you're crazy. go to bed! . They're Brewsters. That's the way I love you.. Aunt Abby. even they have their peculiarities. drop in to see me at the White House. Goodbye. No. Well. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place... There's no use doing what you're doing. It'll just have to be undone. -Those papers. Ambassador. aren't they? They're the sweetest. What of it? So your family's crazy. you better stop it. I'm crazy too. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Anytime you're in Washington. all this doesn't prove a thing. sanest people I've ever known. I.Darling. Thank you. no. -Go away. Look at your aunts.

All right. Bed feels good already. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Hoskins and Mr. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. . I'll get them out.. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed.. . If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo in together.. Nice and smooth like a lake. This is all fixed up nice now. let him.. -Oh. Doctor.we're going for the police. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. You know.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. You're forgetting. Martha and I are going for the police.

Not the Melbourne method. No! I am tired. You are going to operate tomorrow. Okay. perhaps. You can see that it's got to be done. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.-Remember. what? . But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. go to bed. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Mortimer. huh? The quick twist like in London. We'll do it tomorrow. I think. You forget. My brother. But the quick way. I know that look. Doctor. Doctor. Look at me. Or the next day. the Melbourne method. I just heard him upstairs. But Johnny. Johnny. not tonight! I'm sleepy. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. No. Doctor. we'll do it. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. no police! No police! Look. Okay. I think this calls for something special. can't you? Yeah.

-Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. President. Get out. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Mr. President. Johnny's in a bad mood. -Please listen to me. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -Of course. So I have. A secret proclamation? How unusual. President. What a load off my mind. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. President. Brewster. Mr. I can't hear you. mice? -You get out of this house. please? -What? Speak up. Mr. I can't hear you. Hey. Yes. Mr. Wait here. This must be secret. What is it. . Oh. You already have them on. I see! Very clever. will you. Don't do that. Mr. Get out! -Stop underplaying. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. Boy. -I'll put on my signing clothes.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne.

look. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that.. Please listen to me. . but you go now. Only for dramatic critics. I'll take care of him. You take care of yourself. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Please go now. You've just been married. Please. -That's mine. little fellow. Brewster. Please.. You beat it before things start popping around here. Doc-.. You have a nice little wife waiting for you.Are you really a doctor? Yes. -I could use that. Don't those plays you see all the time . Heidelberg. Horrible things.. 1919. Mr. please. Stop it. Doctor! You get out of here! Look.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. -What's that? Wait. But.he's a madman. He's a maniac! And then things happen. -My schnapps. Get going. when Johnny's in that mood.

-What do you think he does? -I don't know. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. it'll still be running when you get out. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. . At least people in plays act like they got sense. he doesn't.. When you get out of prison. Isn't that great? So there he is. The murderer even invites him to sit down.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. There's a play that's so bad. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. Now listen to this. There's a man... Witherspoon. And does he go? No. He's even been warned to get out. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger.

Please. I've been away for 20 years.. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. brother Heidelberg. for me.. But never. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. Now. Look at the attitude. All he has to do is look around.. . the quick way. .. were you out of my mind.. Later on. my dear brother. . Yes. Doctor. Johnny.we go to work. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.. in a play or even in a movie. you may consider that a blessing. This fellow's supposed to be bright.. In Melbourne one night. He wasn't very bright.a fellow never sees or hears anything. I dreamt of you. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. Mortimer.. but does he? No! See. That's right. Now get a load of this.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No.

We drink to you. And then they took it. Here. -Please. Pull yourself together. dead brother. there was some wine. But I cannot see this without the drink. One moment. I'll split it with you. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Please! All right. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. To my dear. Where did they put it? I found some wine. After all. You remember when we came in. Let's get it over with. That idiot! -He goes next.-This must be an artistic achievement. We both have a drink before we operate. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. please. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. Where are your manners? Yes. That's all. Mortimer. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink.

the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. yes! If it has to be. I'll help you.. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. sure.. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.. out of a clear sky. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. The quick way. I'd better talk to him myself. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. It's all right.. The quick way.-We'll get to him later. Like a flash. then the quick way. . . -What happened to him? -Nothing. We're taking the bugle away from him. They practically stole that from my play. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. In the second act. I see. Yeah.

. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. see? Little do I know it. All of a sudden. casual-like. . a fire breaks out. -What? -I personally like it very much. there's me. Growing into a magnificent specimen. -Where have I seen that face before? -No.. I'm in great danger. It's an evolving stage. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. in the meantime. "Miss Peaches La Tour.. Well. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. please. My mother doesn't say they're married. -It's probably over his head.. You ain't heard nothing yet. It's getting you.. .He says.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. The scene changes. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. I'm walking along my beat.

Did they send you here? No... I figures I'll outsmart him. . -There's a vacant house on the corner. this is Mortimer Brewster. My play put him to sleep. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. boys. Right in the middle of the second act..when a guy that I'm following. -The colonel blew that bugle again.. . so I pulls out my gun. Brophy.. Brewster's brother. The neighbors are phoning in. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. -Johnny. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. So he came back. -He's going to help me write my play. That's the one that ran away. He says we've got to put him away someplace.. we came to warn the old ladies. Get me Mac. -I heard him.. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. who the heck is this? Mr. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. Now.

we'll hold him right here. So I've been turned in? All right. charming old ladies. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Your aunts are friends of ours. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Brewster. You think my aunts are sweet.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. you've got me. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. 13. Mr. At the Brewster house. . -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. Mr. Thirteen bodies. I better let them know that I found you. -Wait a minute. We found him. Be careful what you say. Yes. It wasn't that bad. -I'll show them to you. -Come down to the cellar. don't you? Well. Leave him to me. Shall we bring him in? All right. The Lieutenant is on his way over. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. Brewster.

Go on and fight. Don't! Sarge! Look out.I'll show you where they're buried. too. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. I got him. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Pat. look. -Go to the cellar with him. That's enough. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. I got something better. Amazing. Everybody off. He looks like Boris Karloff. that's enough. Pat. look out! Amazing. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Look out! Fight. -Yes. -Go on down the cellar with him. please. come to the cellar. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Such a fine day. Well. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. . Don't bother me now. You could use this in the third act.

That won't have any effect. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Pat. -Witherspoon.. Isn't that amazing? Oh. Turn him over.. fight. I've tried it before-It did. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Wish I could relax like that.. dear. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. . That's fine. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Thank you very much. Don't do that. What do I care? Go ahead. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. please. -Come in. Telephone. Boris. brother. Get him.The papers are all signed. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well.

.. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster..and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. Report in. he's wanted. You're suspended. . . pal. He's wanted. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane.. He's a lifer. About my not ringing in. . You're going to have a long time on that play. That's the way they described him. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.. That's my brother. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. Now go on.. The guy who helped him escape." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.you can at least read short detective stories. too. He says 13 bodies are there. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. Certainly... "He looked like Karloff.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.

I want to question him. No sleep. . Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Howdy.Here. Colonel. Colonel. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Nothing to eat. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. This is a spy. I'm Mortimer Brewster. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. We caught him at the White House. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. But I'm not myself today. -Hey. Colonel. -Questioning of spies is my department. keep out of that. With flatheads like you on the force. you've blown your last bugle. Get this gu y out of here. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. you. Take him out and bring him to. No.

-Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Just a minute.You're his brother. Any offers? I'm Mr. No arguments. take it easy. I know just how you feel. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. No arguments. Look. Witherspoon. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. I have come to get a Brewster. -As long as he's going someplace. He's got to be put away. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. started a murder rumor. Captain. Read this. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. There's people dumb enough to believe that. no argument. . I'm liable to think anything. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Last year there was a crazy guy. -I'm waiting for Mr. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home.

Mr. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. This is fun. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Now. Brewster? Mr. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -Hold him till I get there. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. Witherspoon is here. it's chicanery. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. all I got to get is Witherspoon." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Let me explain. . Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. -That's fine. He's ready to talk. Never mind! Give me that pen. I'm so glad to see you. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. That's all right! Do that again for me.

.And no wagon when he leaves. You know. It means a great deal to me.. secretly.. you know-Captain. . We always. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I sometimes envy some of our patients. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. this is Mr. Why? To take him away? Never. I have one waiting now. never. I shan't mind. -The woods are full of them. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. You never can tell. it's a play. Witherspoon. Taxicabs. Something I've been working on. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. -That's good. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. You do? It must be a nice place. I've never been there. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do.

Now you can take him away. Let's see. President. Aunt Abby. I have good news for you. you got it wrong. I'm on my way to Africa.-Come.. Your term of office is over.. It's Mr. Aunt Martha. your guide to Africa. Taft. Mr. all signed. President? Taft! No. this isn't Mr.. Witherspoon. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . I must get started immediately. Mr. This is Captain Rooney. my boy. Happy man. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Goodbye. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. -What is this? No. -Is this March 4? -Practically. I'll bring down my equipment. Bully! Bully! Wait right here.

Dissension. we're going. We promise to take his bugle away from him. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. You've come to meet Teddy. -We won't be separated from Teddy. -I'm sorry. let's be sensible. You could arrange that. . he's come to take him. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. I've got it. How can you allow this? You promised. No. but impossible. too! -Yes. Too dangerous. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Why not? Why not. Now. haven't you? No. Oh. dear. -If he's going. you'll have to take us with him. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. ladies. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn.It's all right. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. jealousy. indeed? It's sweet of them.

I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. . Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. There are 13 bodies in our cellar.. and we'll send them to Happy Dale.. No.and we'll get them all together. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer... You just ask our nephew. you wouldn't have to dig. What? Yes. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. Mortimer. -I'll tell you what we'll do. .It ain't only his bugle blowing. -How about it? -I'll be right there. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. -I'll look in that cellar. Things are going to get worse. He's been a little strange all day. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. The graves are all marked.

.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. -He got married today. If we can go with Teddy.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. There's one down there. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. humor them. Where are they? . "There is a Happy Dale far.. we'll sign the papers. -You mustn't mind him at all. Smile. -Flowers? Sure.. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. I put neon lights on mine. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Hasn't got it yet. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. None of mine are gentlemen. a Mr. .. Spenalzo. Humor them. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Teddy committed himself. -Certainly. It's amazing.

I'm really looking forward to going. please. here. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. A doctor. ladies. -Here? -Yes. will you? I want this all cleaned up.I have them. Doctor. Dr. please. It's on the right-hand side there. We've overlooked something. Dr. I'm so sorry. Ladies. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. -A doctor? -Yes. Yes. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Maybe I can understand him. Doctor? -Yes. right here. -Good night. The neighborhood here has changed so. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Dr. please. Just sign right here. Oh. . -Were you leaving. -Come here. Come along. if you'll sign right here. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. dear. Doctor. please. Sign them up. Now. Einstein.

Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. His accomplice's description is on the circular. -Don't play games--You sign. Witherport. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. . It's contagious. Hello. on the desk. One hundred and forty pounds. Mr. It's your turn. Mac. Don't mind me. yes. Mr. You've done Brooklyn a great service.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Talks with a German accent. That's great! Thanks. Einstein! -Now. Doc. I'm Brewster. Okay. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. But Dr. Pop eyes. The doctor has completed the signatures. Poses as a doctor. will you? About 40. You sign as next of kin. Five-foot-three. It's all right. Mac. Thanks. Read it to me.

-What. you know? And bring along my bugle. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. -Well. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. We're very happy about the whole thing. dear. Come up and pack my duffel. -Here. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Well. darling. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. you signed as next of kin. you tell him. -Mine? You see. And you were born . Mortimer. of course.-Spoon. -What's wrong about that. He's President. -Me too. don't be worried. Einstein--But it's not his signature. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. -It's yours. Now. Duffel? Pack his duffel. We don't want anything to go wrong. darling. President. darling? -Martha. dear. but that's just it.

So brother married her. . Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. -Goodbye. too. Quiet! -But. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime..we didn't want to lose her... It's true. I really did see-- ..about three months afterwards. Your real father was a cook. They're off to a flying start. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.

We're going to Niagara Falls. Call me a cab. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. But. Mortimer.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mr. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. dear. love. its operators. Yes. I'm a son of a sea cook. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ .

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