Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

. ..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.but no man with this published attitude. .. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. dear.Their old man left them fixed for life. You know I'm not a swearing man. ..he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.... Don't you call them "the girls.should take any man's daughter anyplace... I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. Remember now.." either.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. Bless you. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. He's so very much in love with her.. Sister Martha and I are so happy... I must be catching cold.. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. . He used to come to see us only occasionally. Reverend Harper. . No.. You'd be surprised . and now. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.. at any time. Brophy. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed.... watch your language..

-Miss Abby. what news have you brought me? Colonel. Gentlemen. -Come right in. Harper from the church next door? Hello. No. You get tired of playing cards. Thank you. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. He's taking over my beat. no. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. the new man on the beat. by the library door. I'll go. we have nothing to report. Will you excuse me? No. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. absolutely nothing to report. The toys are on the chair up here. This is Officer O'Hara. That's splendid work you men do. we came for the toys. gentlemen.what they'd consider swearing. Mr. They're all packed. At ease. Brophy. -How do you do. Splendid! Thank you. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. How do you do. This is Officer O'Hara. Teddy. Brophy? . You know the Reverend Dr. Teddy. sir? It's nice to meet you. dear.

Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her.. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.... you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore.and the neighbors raised Cain. Sarge.. .it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Please don't bother. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.. He's an interesting character.. Now don't do that again. Isn't it a shame... There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. They're afraid of him. That's right. Isn't it a shame. . that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . Teddy. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. I promised I wouldn't swear. But a little weak. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. thank you. Reverend.. Father. Look. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. You've done so much already. still. I'll make a note..She's better. Gentlemen.

The Army and Navy are ready for action. You bet I will. and thank you very much. you're back. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. put it back. He's taking over my duties..Well. -Reverend. Martha. Miss Brewster. Colonel. -Don't mention it. -Not at all. -The children will go crazy. Be sure it's good and hot. Sarge.. now. -Thank you. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. dear. Colonel. So long. -These are lovely. Dismissed! . Officer O'Hara. Teddy. Brophy.. Here's the broth for Mrs. It'll make a lot of kids happy. how do you do? Miss Martha. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Yes. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. -Now. Hey. it goes to Australia. No. Thank you. this is grand.

you're happy. Yes. Young man. we thought if he'd be George Washington.. -Careful of the step with the toys. if he's happy. Do you remember. let that be a lesson to you. -Well. -Good night. and what's more important... Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. That is quite a problem... Our only worry for Teddy is after we're might be a change for him. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.-Goodbye and thank you. Goodbye. a long time ago.. Martha? Once. -Don't mention it... . indeed. Well. I must be going. .. and we suggested it. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.

I just couldn't wait for you. too. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. sweet Reverend Harper. why? Good news for you. There wasn't time. dear. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. And I was all alone. -No.. -But all by yourself. And dinner's going to be late. I'm sure we needn't worry about him.. So. dear. I didn't know when you'd be back. . go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. Did you just have tea? Yes. Dear. You know. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. -I got along fine. and Reverend Harper was coming.

. I don't like that look in your eyes. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -It's Elaine! -Hello.Well? Just look in the windowseat. Mortimer.. Wait a minute. Just throw it. Hold on to that. -This old cab has seen osculation but. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. darlings. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. keep them. -But. -You ain't seen anything yet. Mortimer. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. And her brooch. buddy. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. If you find her hairpins.. There they are. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Here's your hat. -You've got to drive us to the station. But. -But that was only Sunday. -Take her hat. you're going to love me . right out here with everyone looking.

you see! You see? That's what I mean.. hurry and pack. I can handle Father. .. It goes just before this. I don't have to. No. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. We've a room on the train. You'll see it often.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I started packing the day after I met you. You should've seen my secretary's face. Look. There's that look again! "There's that look again. don't tell your father. That's what I hate about women. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. Yes... Mortimer! " You better get used to it. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia.for my mind.. darling. He's a dear.. There. the bridal suite in the hotel. Go on. . You know what we're doing? Wasting time.. too? One thing at a time.

When you whistle. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Oh. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. it's me. We're married. -Father may want to pray over me. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. dark streak of light. Brewster? Good. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. darling.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. -It'll be a few minutes. open the front door fast. If you see a tall. Hold on to your bustles. -Whistle when you're ready. Isn't it too. you two old frauds. Grand Central Station. And throw in a flock . Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Hurry. hurry. What? Now? No. Elaine and I are married. here.

I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. . except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time.of orange blossoms. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. I'm going to burn all my books. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. of course. Well. It's all ready. -And. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. too. We're going to Niagara Falls. we can have our celebration. Of course. I'll run along and get everything ready. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. But before you go. -You won't have time to bake a cake. A taxi's waiting. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. Oh. Did everybody know I was getting married. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. dear. a wedding cake. You know how your books upset him.

what a face! I remember now. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. reminded me of Jonathan. I saw a play. I'm off to Panama. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Yes. He'd scare grownups with it. Mr. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Goodbye. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. goodbye. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. My. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. A new lock for the canal. "Oh. Really? A honey of a lunatic. President? -Bully. Mortimer! -How are you. you know. had a character in it. Just bully. dear! . Mr. dear. I know. Oh. Hello. thank you. President. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.Now you behave.

we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Yes. Well. what a play. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. look. The next thing-Hey. When the curtain goes up. . darlings. darlings. Get him up here now. the first thing you see is a dead body. Yes. We know. you can't get his mind on anything else. I'm frightfully sorry. At once! -He's in the cellar. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. dear. When Teddy's working on the canal. listen. Now. mister. darling! Never mind that now. That's after we're gone.Yeah. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -There's no such hurry as that. Teddy's killed a man. dear. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. -You know? -Of course. but I've got an awful shock for you.

He died first. Aunt Martha.Now. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. When it's in tea. That's really all I know about him... it has a distinct odor. dear. don't be so inquisitive. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.. Who is he? He's a Mr. men just don't get into windowseats and die. Hoskins. Mortimer. What the.. You put it in the wine? .. You just forget about it. You mean you. No. Wait! Stop all this. except that he's a Methodist. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.. how did he die? Mortimer. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. Now look. Adam Hoskins. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.

.. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Yes. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. She's much better. not at tea. Schultz. Look at me. Now. Hoskins in the windowseat.. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. darling. tomorrow or next day. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.Yes. Mortimer. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . The dears. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. but this time we'll go where we want to go. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. We must do that. you know all about it and just forget about it. Abby. That wouldn't have been very nice. And I put Mr.. It's first-degree..because Reverend Harper was coming.

Aunt Martha. -We can't turn you over to the police. You're going to bury Mr. We don't intend to. Now. I want to know what we're going to do. Look.. dear. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. .. Hoskins. here. -Stop worrying about it. Mortimer. dear. -We'll let you lick the bowl. dear. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. Whatever his name is. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. I know what his name is. -But Mr. you can't leave him in there. They have so much fun. We told you to forget the whole thing.. you behave. Mr. dear. That's what we did with the others. digging the lock. Teddy's down in the cellar now.Yes. You can't. Mortimer. don't be so impatient. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. it is.

Abby? No. This makes 12. Makes it 12. I really don't think you should count the first one. But. Abby. Let me see now. This is 1 1.. she's probably right. because I remember when Mr.. This one is only 1 1 . dear. Abby. When you say "others.. I didn't mean-- .it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. dear.-Others? -The other gentlemen.. dear. No. isn't it. keep your shirt on! Elaine. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. dear. I think you're wrong. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes. Hello. It does? Well. and that makes it 12. Hoskins first came in. Abby. dear. . I was counting the first one. For heaven's sake.

. And then. ... ... . you poor.that if we could help other lonely. He was a Baptist. Just sit down.. let's see.. You mean. Where were we? Twelve. We felt so sorry for him. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.we would. who was the first one? Mr..Now.. All his kith and kin were dead. old men.... then and there. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.. Martha? We made up our minds. dear. Tell me... He was such a lonely. Why.... Remember. .... . Abby thinks we should count the first find that same peace. . Teddy came up from digging in Panama...looking so peaceful. . So.. Midgely. old gentleman. you see. Twelve! Yes.and he thought Mr.. we all took him down to Panama. when his heart attack came.and he sat there dead in that chair..... Never mind about that. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.

-Mortimer. Wait a minute! Come here. just a pinch of cyanide.. Should have quite a kick. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli... . -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. for a gallon of elderberry wine..... .in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it. And then... No.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. Well.. .. There. .. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .. darling.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial...because we know exactly what's to be done. Of course not! Well. so.... dear. As a matter of fact... dear..l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead..

He's wonderful. Let me see.He did? Well. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Singing away. Happy as a lark. La Guardia. Winchell? No. That'd be nice... wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Don't worry about the cake. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Winchell's no good. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Who can I call up? Dewey.. darling. digging locks. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim.. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. We must get that cake frosted. a sip of. Everybody knows he's crazy.. Let me see.. I couldn't eat a thing. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Teddy! Of course. What am I doing with tickets? Information.

-How do I look? -You look fine. you! Thought you were tall. I heard you whistle. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. dark streak of light. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What'd you do. yes. Brooklyn. What's wrong? Look at your hair. Yeah.on North Shore Road. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. -Run on home. Something's happened. I'll call you up tomorrow. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. please. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. .

We've got to do something immediately. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. very important. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.If I could only tell you. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. Elaine. Judge. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen.. we were married today. You better go home! -But. he's-It's his bugle blowing. The police want to throw him into a state institution.. . A thing happened. darling. It won't wait until tomorrow. -Go to bed. I'll tell you why I called you. Judge. Judge. It's very. But it's a matter of life and.. I've got to come over and see you right away. It's about Teddy. You smell so nice. about Teddy.

Don't like it. I'm Miss Brewster. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. do sit down. Now. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Operator? Give me long distance. please. I'm sorry. And this is my sister. I understand you've got a room to rent. It's a wonderful place. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. How do you do? Come in. Do step in. this would be a nice comfortable chair. New York. -All alone in the world? . dear. -Well. Happy Dale. Another Miss Brewster. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. we can get him to Happy Dale. we're just setting the table for dinner. Doorbell's ringing. -My name's Gibbs.

"A" Iike in "arsenic. That's right. -Do sit down. Happy Dale. I don't think I'll like it. Martha. Well. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. skoal. -Dale. The room's upstairs. Well.-Well. but the cemetery's full of them. I'd like to see the room. we make this ourselves.. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. .. Well." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. It's elderberry wine. -Thank you. I can see the headlines now. Please. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. -No.. "D" Iike in "dig. you've come to just the right house." when you dig a lock.

madam. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. it's wrong.. Oh. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.Hello. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you.. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. I'm not drunk.. What I mean is. People wouldn't understand.. I'm nervous. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. Don't do that.but it's not only against the law.. Not that.. . but you've given me an idea! Darling. He wouldn't understand. murdered.

do you-I'm fine. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. And if-Oh. Well. . Mr. dear. if he thought that-Mr. Thank you. Bonaparte. Well. Mr. dear.and it would lead to trouble. That's too bad.What? All right. I see.. Of course. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Mr. operator.That's amazing. Witherspoon. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. .-. Well. please. now. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Oh. if your mind is made up. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Yes. Witherspoon. Brewster. Oh. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them.. thanks. we want to commit him there immediately. Witherspoon speaking. How do you do. Witherspoon. Mr.. Thank you..

-But. .. I can't talk to you. Mortimer. darling. dear. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. we'd have to know what it was first. but I want you to promise me something. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. don't you? Yes. Get off that thing. Well.. like good girls. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Oh. Anyway. You know I'd do anything for you. Whosit where he is. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr.. I'll sing with you. I love you both very much. Now listen. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you..Another Roosevelt.. What on earth could happen to us? Well. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I mean. dear. I can't concentrate. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. darling. I want you to do one thing for me. you'll do that little thing for me..

Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Remember. Yes. well. What is it? Mr. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. -Don't open it. The poor dears. You know. I'm so happy for Elaine. cab! Here you are. Why? He's just been married. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. anything. I can go faster that way. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. What? Stop that. I'll sit with you! Yeah. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. Shame! Such a nice hat. . You promise? Good. Oh. Sure. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey.I'll dance with you. that's right.

As if we were expected. Johnny. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. A fatted calf?. Johnny. I'll go. This is the home of my youth. it's a good hideout. dear. -Let me look. Yes. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. I'm so hungry. There's one up in my room. -You look. -Do you recognize them? -No. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. It's two men. Come in. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. they're strangers to me. The family must still live here. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. we'll need another hymnal. Johnny. . Look. -Are you sure? -Yes.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. As a boy. Drink. and I've never seen them before. doctor.

Aunt Martha. You're nothing like Jonathan. .. Your nephew.. you know. Why. you're hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. Have you been in an accident? My face. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Jonathan.. . . his voice is like Jonathan's... Aunt Martha. And you. still the high collar. so don't pretend you are.. He's a plastic surgeon.A good omen. It's Jonathan. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby..that Grandma Brewster bought in England. But I've seen that face before.. Dr. Einstein is responsible for that.. You just get out of here. No.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan...'s been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. Four feet wide. . Spenalzo in through the door.You remember that. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. we can't just walk Mr. How do we get him in here? Yes. as a boy.. Spenalzo. I could be disagreeable.. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. -Down here. And it just fits Mr. Rather a good joke on my aunts.. We expect to be very busy. Quick. Bed. That's hospitality. Spenalzo along.. . what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. See the hole he's digging. Come here. I forgot to tell you.. I don't have to go into details.. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. six feet long. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. we'll bring him in through the window.

I think Teddy had better take Mr. Promise? You have the word of the President . Teddy. there's been another yellow-fever victim. That might be against the law. No. the poor dear. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. And he's been so patient. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. A state secret? Yes.We're moving the car behind the house. a state secret. General Goethals was very pleased. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. Hoskins? Mr. we must keep it a secret. You'd better get to bed. Hoskins downstairs right away. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. I don't want to leave it in the street. The car is all right where it is until morning. He said the canal was just the right size.

. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. let's see. We're bringing the luggage through here. Your room is waiting for you. We've never had yellow fever there before. . And we'll come down later and hold services. You can go right up. . considering that he's a come up and take the poor man down to the canal.of the United States... -And we don't go to bed this early. he's really very nice looking.. Cross my heart and hope to die. Both of you. You know. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. when everything's dark here. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. You just come right along and see him now. Now. .when I turn out the lights. you were out. And then. It seems to be spreading.. But you must be very tired. You two run along to bed. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat... Now get along. I've never even seen Mr..

And then together we take him down to Panama. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. You go round and hand him through. Now! Turn out the lights. Yeah. We must be quick. He's all right. I'll come back later. -I'll be right up. and I'll stay here and pull. I'll open the window. For the instruments. Aunt Abby. You go outside and push. I'll take a look around outside the house. Johnny. Doctor. When I tap on the glass.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Good night. It's dark in here. you open the window. Just off the laboratory. Now. All right. Aunt Martha. Run along. . Aunt Abby. But he's too heavy for me. -All right. Take the bags upstairs. Where am l? Here I am. we'll all go to bed.

Now I have him. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Allez. up! Now. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. He's so heavy. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Hand him over. I mean. Now I've got him! Johnny. somebody's at the door. quick. -But his shoe came off. Mortimer. You lost a leg somewhere. He's so heavy. Help me. wait a minute. -Be careful. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Now I have him. it's Brewster. Doctor! . I'll manage Spenalzo. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Help me.Who left this open? Okay. I live next door. Now I got him. wait a minute. I'm not very used to it. Go open. Go.

You don't live here. I'm in this house every day. It's okay. May I present Dr. Now that I know who you are.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. "That explains everything. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. And something of a magician. We happen to live here. I've never seen you before.It's all right. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. they talk about you. .. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.. that's all.. Einstein? Dr. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. -You're Jonathan. That explains everything. -You've heard of me? -Yes.. .

No! Don't be a tomboy. Don't play rough with the gentlemen.I suppose it was you. I came to see Mortimer. a sneak thief. But if he's not home. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Go back to your room. Charge! Doctor. . It's going to be a private funeral. the cellar. No visitors. Is that why you came over here? No. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Alice. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. I'll run--You've given two names. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. -What else did you see? -Just that. that's all! I see. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes.

I talk. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Einstein.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails.. Mortimer. darling. . have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. ... -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother." Listen. "I've come back home. Mortimer.. Do you hear me? Don't answer that.. he--Wait a minute. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. Mortimer. -What? I've come back home. it talks! Yes. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Go back to your room.-We'll call the police. Mortimer. -Mortimer.. -I'll handle this.. Mortimer.

just a moment. Einstein to stay. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. I'm staying here from now on.. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. We invited Jonathan and Dr. -What? -Just for tonight. Here's $10.Yeah. I'm staying here tonight. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. -In fact. . We don't take up much room. Please. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. No.. Now look. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Now. Nothing to. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. be a good fellow. I remember.

Mr. beat it! It's all right. Now. in just a little while. While we are packing. Johnny. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. I'll tell you about him. Spenalzo. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. that. you know what I do to people who order me around. Don't bring anyone else in here. I'll take care of you.Mortimer. Elaine. -Killed? Aunt Abby. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Doctor. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. I've completely lost track of Mr. Spenalzo. Wait! Who's this Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. -Oh. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Mortimer. .

-But--Please. a taxi's waiting. Mr. we were going over Niagara Falls. . I got things to do..-It was worse than that.. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0... he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. I'm afraid of him.. look. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Well. -What? Go on home like a good girl.. Darling.. . -He was going to kill me! -Wait. -You'd better run along home. Witherspoon. . Brewster. He's some kind of a maniac. We were married today. don't worry about it. I don't understand you. Forget it. Well. Yes. I'm here now. I can't hear the man..and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. please.your brother tries to strangle me.

Thank you. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. taxi. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. Yeah. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Teddy. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. wedding ring. I know it's late.. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please.. ... well.I've got the papers all drawn up. By the way. windowseat.. I'll get both signatures. darling. Doctor. of course? By the doctor? Oh. come right away. .. darling. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. signature.put them in a barrel. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down.. Let me think about this thing.

Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. you come in here now! Yes. I did. You admitted you put Mr. . This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins! -By the way. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Mr. he's mistaken. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins. Hoskins in the windowseat. Yes. where is Mr.No. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. dear. It is not Mr.

He's down there waiting for the services. No. Martha.. Are you getting out.. You just look and see what's in that windowseat.. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. We haven't had a minute. what with Jonathan in the house. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. Oh. And I've also decided that you're leaving. poor dear. you come straight along here. handsome. Mortimer. . Don't. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Listen. I've decided that we're staying. I did. and I mean now. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. I'm in no mood to debate the question. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. dear.

. Officer. Mortimer. too.. what happened to Mr. Einstein and that cold companion with him. -Glad to see you.. Jonathan is leaving. -No! Come in. Don't reach for the telephone. Listen. Spenalzo can happen to you. -Pleased to meet you. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. And he's taking Dr. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. do come in. You're my brother. I owe you an apology. Well? All right. I've got some very good news for you. Jonathan. Put down that telephone. You can't ask for more than that. -Yes. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. -And this is another nephew. I'll have to call the police. in that case. darling. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Remember.Aunt Abby. This is our nephew. Come right in. you're a Brewster. .

This is your last chance. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. You can tell me all about it. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. Officer O'Hara. I'm working on a play now. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out.Your face is familiar. If you don't leave here. well. I can spell like the dickens. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. . And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Spenalzo. Dr. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. I got to ring in. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. -I'll be running along. You are? Well. Einstein and Spenalzo. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. All three of you: you. Mr.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. but I can't spell them.

I never did like Mortimer. We've got a wonderful setup here. Okay. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. We're not going. We can make a fortune. no. O'Hara. please. But we've got trouble enough as it is. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. No. Please! Doctor. we're coming back here. Johnny. Two old ladies as a front. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Right with you. Johnny. you lose your head. We're sleeping right here in this house. Only Mortimer stands in our way. take it easy.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Come. Please. let's go. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. After that. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Just give me one moment. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Look. Now get going! All three of you.

What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it.. you asked for it. -You're not going? -No. Mortimer. -I don't know. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. Well. -My mother was an actress. -Legitimate? Of course. She was my mother. I worked on it for 12 years. I'll be back in a minute. -Excuse me. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. If you tell O'Hara . rehash it. -Swell. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. It's no fly-by-night idea. the cellar. Well. -Peaches La Tour was her name. We're not going. we got an ace in the hole.. Move fast. You stay out of this. -I like the first act.. All right. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming.

Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.what's in the windowseat.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Genius at work. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. You'd better ring in. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .. I'll meet you there later. I assure you. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. Lowbrows. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. This opening will kill you.. . The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. Bohemian atmosphere. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now..

Perish the thought. Jonathan.. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. The moment the doctor signs. -Can't wait! Doctor. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Yes. Well. dear aunties.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. You're smug. We thought we heard you leave.Look.. You haven't. -I'll see you down there. doctor.. That was just Mortimer. And speaking of services.. Martha. I think we can start the services now. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. I don't care who knows about Hoskins.. Did he look guilty! Well... You won't stand me up... . I expect to find you gone. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. will you? This is a great play.. Where are those papers? There they are. When I come back. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. you ring in and I'll see you later. You've got to take him with you! . Where do you.

Mr. Why. They're both dead. You mean. -He's one of our gentlemen. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. -Your gentlemen? Yes. there's no room for Mr. Hoskins is no stranger. He must mean Mr. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Besides. Doctor. . It's one of our charities. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. The cellar's crowded already.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Hoskins--Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Hoskins. Twelve graves. Mr. what we've been doing is a mercy. -But Mr. Spenalzo. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet.

Phoenix? -The filling station.. . Two in Johannesburg. one in Sydney. Arizona. That makes 13. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. What? You got 12.. 12...... He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. -Thirteen. You got 12..right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. . You cannot count the one in South Bend.. .. they got 12. one in Melbourne. There's Mr. Spenalzo out of here. I've got 13.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. He died of pneumonia. Then the first one in London... one in Phoenix. they got 12.. . You've done all that.So you just take your Mr. -Filling. -No.two in San Francisco. Spenalzo. You cannot count him. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. Don't brag. Johnny.. and they do just as good as you do.

. . but only you can help me. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.l'm sure you'd be convinced. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. They are. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. but I can't commit a man just on that.. Just one more... This is most irregular. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies.. that's easily taken care of. I'll be right back. Gilchrist. -You wait here. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. Dr.. Pull up a tombstone. All I need is one more.The old ladies is just as good as you are. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. That's all. If you'd talk with him. I know Teddy blows bugles. Make yourself comfortable. -Who? What? Did I say. are they? Well. seeing a doctor. . Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins.. -You better wait.

Well now. Welcome to Washington. indeed. No. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes.50! -What? $22. It gives me a chance to rest. Five more bucks and you'll own it. President. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. . the meter! "Looks good on me. so good.-Hey. yes. with a Maxim silencer. -Do you? -Yes.50! Oh. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. -Mr. may I present--Dr. Certainly. Not so good. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. that's that. is it not? Yes. thanks. $22. It wouldn't fit me." $22. looks good on you! Not the suit.50. of course I love you. So far. darling.

but I won't be elected... but you see. -What are you talking about? -Well. -Of course.. that's ancient history. if the country insists.well.. Darling. . Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. I don't quite know. Just because Teddy's strange. . That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. but it's only a matter of time. Darling. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. It practically gallops.. that doesn't mean-No.. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower.. I can't go through with our marriage. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. -That's what you think. Doctor. darling. It's way back before Teddy. I'll run for a third term. I probably should have told you this before. insanity runs in my family. I love you so much.

no. Aunt Abby..Darling. -Those papers. drop in to see me at the White House. They're Brewsters. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. Just go on signing the papers. Ambassador. -Go away. I. but kiss me. Thank you. sanest people I've ever known. you better stop it. So you're crazy.. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. go to bed! . No. I'm crazy too. Goodbye.. aren't they? They're the sweetest. That's the way I love you. There's no use doing what you're doing. Look at your aunts. It'll just have to be undone. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Well. even they have their peculiarities. Anytime you're in Washington. all this doesn't prove a thing. What of it? So your family's crazy. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place.

. Bed feels good already. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. . All right. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Hoskins and Mr. You know. Nice and smooth like a lake. Doctor. Spenalzo in together. This is all fixed up nice now. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Martha and I are going for the police. If Jonathan and Mr. let him. I'll get them out.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. You're forgetting. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal... .. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. -Oh. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.we're going for the police.

what? .-Remember. You are going to operate tomorrow. not tonight! I'm sleepy. go to bed. Johnny. You forget. perhaps. We'll do it tomorrow. the Melbourne method. But the quick way. Doctor. no police! No police! Look. My brother. I just heard him upstairs. I think this calls for something special. Or the next day. I know that look. But Johnny. No! I am tired. Not the Melbourne method. we'll do it. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Doctor. No. huh? The quick twist like in London. You can see that it's got to be done. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Look at me. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. can't you? Yeah. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. Okay. Mortimer. Okay. Doctor. I think. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer.

What is it. I see! Very clever. Don't do that. President. . Boy. please? -What? Speak up. Mr. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. -Of course. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. I can't hear you. Mr. So I have. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Brewster.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. I can't hear you. Johnny's in a bad mood. mice? -You get out of this house. Get out. President. You already have them on. -I'll put on my signing clothes. A secret proclamation? How unusual. President. -Please listen to me. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. will you. President. Hey. Oh. Mr. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Yes. Mr. Wait here. Mr. This must be secret. What a load off my mind.

Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Please. when Johnny's in that mood. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Doc-.. But. look. Please listen to me. -What's that? Wait. little fellow. Please. but you go now.Are you really a doctor? Yes. Brewster. Get going. Please go now. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Horrible things. -I could use that.. You take care of yourself. Mr.. 1919. You beat it before things start popping around here. I'll take care of him. Don't those plays you see all the time . Stop it. -That's mine. .he's a madman. Heidelberg. Only for dramatic critics. -My schnapps.. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. please. You've just been married.

Witherspoon. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. And does he go? No. There's a play that's so bad. it'll still be running when you get out.. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.. The murderer even invites him to sit down. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. There's a man. At least people in plays act like they got sense.. . When you get out of prison. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. He's even been warned to get out. Isn't that great? So there he is. he doesn't. Now listen to this.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater.

Look at the attitude. In Melbourne one night.. . . Doctor. were you out of my mind. but does he? No! See. I dreamt of you. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.. .Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. Mortimer. Please.we go to work. for me. I've been away for 20 years. But never. in a play or even in a movie. Now get a load of this. brother Heidelberg. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged.. Johnny. Now. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer... He wasn't very bright. Later on. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. All he has to do is look around.a fellow never sees or hears anything. That's right. the quick way. This fellow's supposed to be bright.... you may consider that a blessing. my dear brother. Yes.

dead brother. Where are your manners? Yes. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Here. Please! All right. After all. And then they took it. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. Mortimer. But I cannot see this without the drink. Where did they put it? I found some wine. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. We both have a drink before we operate. You remember when we came in. there was some wine. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. please. Let's get it over with. -Please. That idiot! -He goes next.-This must be an artistic achievement. I'll split it with you. That's all. One moment. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . To my dear. Pull yourself together. We drink to you.

-You won't at all! We have to work fast. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. I'll help you. The quick way. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. I see..the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. sure. -What happened to him? -Nothing. It's all right.. They practically stole that from my play. . The quick way. . He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. then the quick way.. Like a flash. out of a clear sky. We're taking the bugle away from him. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody.. I'd better talk to him myself. yes! If it has to be. In the second act.-We'll get to him later. Yeah.

ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. Growing into a magnificent specimen. It's an evolving stage.. Well. .. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass..but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. My mother doesn't say they're married. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. It's getting you. in the meantime. -It's probably over his head. All of a sudden. . casual-like. -What? -I personally like it very much. see? Little do I know it. The scene changes. there's me.He says.. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. I'm walking along my beat... "Miss Peaches La Tour. I'm in great danger. please. You ain't heard nothing yet. a fire breaks out.

it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in.. who the heck is this? Mr. -There's a vacant house on the corner. I figures I'll outsmart him. My play put him to sleep. .. Right in the middle of the second act. Now. boys. so I pulls out my gun.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. Get me Mac. That's the one that ran away. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. this is Mortimer Brewster... -He's going to help me write my play. -Johnny. -The colonel blew that bugle again. ... Did they send you here? No. we came to warn the old ladies. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -I heard him. Brewster's brother. Brophy. He says we've got to put him away someplace. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. So he came back..when a guy that I'm following. The neighbors are phoning in.

you've got me. We found him. we'll hold him right here. The Lieutenant is on his way over. -Come down to the cellar. Thirteen bodies. Leave him to me. Mr. At the Brewster house. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Brewster. You think my aunts are sweet. don't you? Well.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. Shall we bring him in? All right. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. 13. It wasn't that bad. Yes. Be careful what you say. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. charming old ladies. Mr. Brewster. -Wait a minute. Your aunts are friends of ours. -I'll show them to you. So I've been turned in? All right. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. I better let them know that I found you. .

Go on and fight. too. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. He looks like Boris Karloff. -Go to the cellar with him. I got him. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. -Yes. That's enough. I got something better. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. look out! Amazing. Well. Pat. please. . Pat. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Such a fine day.I'll show you where they're buried. Everybody off. that's enough. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. look. Amazing. Don't bother me now. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Look out! Fight. come to the cellar. -Go on down the cellar with him. You could use this in the third act.

-Witherspoon. Pat. I've tried it before-It did. brother. Telephone. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. That's fine. Wish I could relax like that.. What do I care? Go ahead. dear. That won't have any effect. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Turn him over. . -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle.. please.The papers are all signed. Get him. Thank you very much. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. fight. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Isn't that amazing? Oh. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.. -Come in. Boris. Don't do that.

. pal. Report in.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. He says 13 bodies are there.. he's wanted. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. That's my brother. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. . He's a lifer.. Now go on. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. "He looked like Karloff. That's the way they described him... Bring him to and find out where his accomplice can at least read short detective stories.. . Certainly. About my not ringing in. The guy who helped him escape. . I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.. You're going to have a long time on that play.. You're suspended." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. too. He's wanted.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.

Who are you? What's your name? Usually. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. With flatheads like you on the force. you. Colonel. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Get this gu y out of here. But I'm not myself today. keep out of that. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. -Questioning of spies is my department. Howdy. No. . Take him out and bring him to. We caught him at the White House. No sleep. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. I'm Mortimer Brewster. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. I want to question him. you've blown your last bugle. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. Colonel. Colonel. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims.Here. This is a spy. -Hey. Nothing to eat.

I have come to get a Brewster. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. started a murder rumor. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Any offers? I'm Mr. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Read this. -As long as he's going someplace. Look. -I'm waiting for Mr. Witherspoon. I'm liable to think anything. Last year there was a crazy guy. There's people dumb enough to believe that. No arguments. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Captain. no argument. Just a minute. No arguments. . Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. take it easy. He's got to be put away.You're his brother. I know just how you feel.

The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. it's chicanery.Mr. -That's fine. Now. -Hold him till I get there. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. I'm so glad to see you. Brewster? Mr." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. He's ready to talk. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Let me explain. Never mind! Give me that pen. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. That's all right! Do that again for me. . This is fun. all I got to get is Witherspoon. Witherspoon is here.

Witherspoon. secretly. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. Why? To take him away? Never. never. . you know-Captain. it's a play.. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. I have one waiting now. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. I shan't mind. You do? It must be a nice place. You know. It means a great deal to me. I've never been there. I sometimes envy some of our patients. Something I've been working on. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight... -That's good. Taxicabs. You never can tell. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. -The woods are full of them. We always.And no wagon when he leaves. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. this is Mr.

I'm on my way to Africa. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Mr. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Let's see. my boy. this isn't Mr. Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha. all signed. This is Captain Rooney. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers.. It's Mr.-Come. Witherspoon. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Goodbye. I'll bring down my equipment. Now you can take him away.. Happy man. Your term of office is over. I must get started immediately. Taft. I have good news for you. your guide to Africa. President? Taft! No. you got it wrong.. -What is this? No. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . President. Mr.

jealousy. You could arrange that. Dissension. I've got it. No. dear. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. -If he's going. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. -I'm sorry. Oh. indeed? It's sweet of them. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. you'll have to take us with him.It's all right. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Too dangerous. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. haven't you? No. You've come to meet Teddy. we're going. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. let's be sensible. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. -We won't be separated from Teddy. We promise to take his bugle away from him. ladies. Now. too! -Yes. How can you allow this? You promised. but impossible. he's come to take him. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. . Why not? Why not.

There are 13 bodies in our cellar. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. you wouldn't have to dig.. He's been a little strange all day.. The graves are all marked. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. No. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. -I'll tell you what we'll do. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. . -I'll look in that cellar. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. You just ask our nephew.and we'll get them all together. -How about it? -I'll be right there. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.It ain't only his bugle blowing. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. Things are going to get worse... . What? Yes. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. Mortimer.

a Mr. It's amazing. . humor them. -He got married today.who doesn't belong here and has to leave.. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. Humor them.. I put neon lights on mine. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. -Certainly.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. -Flowers? Sure. Spenalzo. Where are they? . -You mustn't mind him at all. If we can go with Teddy. There's one down there. "There is a Happy Dale far. None of mine are gentlemen. we'll sign the papers.. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Smile. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Hasn't got it yet.. Teddy committed himself.

-Were you leaving. I'm going out to talk to that spy. The neighborhood here has changed so. Dr. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Yes. Doctor. right here. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. . -Good night. Come along. A doctor. Dr. -A doctor? -Yes. Ladies. I'm really looking forward to going. ladies. here. dear. -Here? -Yes. I'm so sorry. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. -Come here. Dr. Oh. please. if you'll sign right here. please. please. Maybe I can understand him. Now. please. Doctor. will you? I want this all cleaned up. Einstein. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. It's on the right-hand side there. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Just sign right here.I have them. Sign them up. We've overlooked something. Doctor? -Yes.

Okay. It's contagious. It's your turn. That's great! Thanks. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Mac. But Dr. will you? About 40. yes. You've done Brooklyn a great service. on the desk. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Einstein! -Now. Pop eyes. Five-foot-three. You sign as next of kin. Poses as a doctor. . It's all right. Doc. Mac. Mr. I'm Brewster. The doctor has completed the signatures. Read it to me. Hello. Witherport. Thanks. Talks with a German accent. Mr. One hundred and forty pounds. -Don't play games--You sign. Don't mind me.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place.

-Spoon. you tell him. -Me too. Now. -What's wrong about that. Einstein--But it's not his signature. President. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. We're very happy about the whole thing. you know? And bring along my bugle. dear. darling. And you were born . don't be worried. Come up and pack my duffel. Mortimer. dear. but that's just it. Well. He's President. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -What. darling? -Martha. -Well. of course. -Mine? You see. -Here. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. you signed as next of kin. We don't want anything to go wrong. darling. -It's yours.

Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. So brother married her.. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. too. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it..we didn't want to lose her. I really did see-- .. -Goodbye. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. . Your real father was a cook.about three months afterwards. It's true. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. They're off to a flying start. Quiet! -But. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook..

You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mr. Call me a cab. love. Yes. I'm a son of a sea cook. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. We're going to Niagara Falls. dear. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Mortimer. But. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . its operators. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster.

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