Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

. You'd be surprised . ... You know I'm not a swearing man.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. Don't you call them "the girls.. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. Remember now. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. . ... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer... and now..he's in Brooklyn six nights a week..Their old man left them fixed for life. watch your language.should take any man's daughter anyplace. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. He used to come to see us only occasionally. Sister Martha and I are so happy.. Bless you. dear. Reverend Harper." either.. at any time. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. He's so very much in love with her.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. No.. I must be catching cold. ... Brophy... .but no man with this published attitude..

-Come right in. Teddy. absolutely nothing to report. Splendid! Thank you. You get tired of playing cards. gentlemen. Will you excuse me? No. You know the Reverend Dr. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Gentlemen. sir? It's nice to meet you. the new man on the beat. This is Officer O'Hara. No. How do you do. dear. Brophy? . Mr. Brophy. by the library door. Thank you. This is Officer O'Hara. The toys are on the chair up here. what news have you brought me? Colonel. That's splendid work you men do. I'll go. He's taking over my beat. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. They're all packed. we have nothing to report. -Miss Abby. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. no. At ease. -How do you do. we came for the toys. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs.what they'd consider swearing. Teddy.

. still. That's right.. . Reverend. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. You've done so much already.. Sarge. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Gentlemen.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Teddy. I'll make a note... thank you. Look.and the neighbors raised Cain. He's an interesting character.. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore.. Isn't it a shame.. But a little weak... Father. Please don't bother.. Isn't it a shame. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . Now don't do that again. I promised I wouldn't swear. They're afraid of him. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.She's better.

. No. Here's the broth for Mrs. You bet I will. So long. -Now. it goes to Australia. Officer O'Hara. Hey. this is grand. and thank you very much. you're back. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Dismissed! . -These are lovely. how do you do? Miss Martha.Well. put it back. He's taking over my duties. Be sure it's good and hot. -Reverend. -How do you do? -Good afternoon.. Thank you. Brophy. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. dear. -Not at all. Sarge. -Thank you. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Teddy. Colonel. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Yes. -The children will go crazy.. Colonel. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Miss Brewster. The Army and Navy are ready for action. -Don't mention it. Martha. now.

you're happy. -Well. -Careful of the step with the toys.. I must be going. Martha? Once.. Do you remember. Yes. . Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. and what's more important. if he's happy. Well. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Don't mention it.. let that be a lesson to you. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. a long time ago. indeed. . Goodbye..-Goodbye and thank you. That is quite a problem.. Young man. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.... Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. we thought if he'd be George Washington. and we suggested it. -Good night.it might be a change for him.

Martha. -But all by yourself. There wasn't time. I didn't know when you'd be back. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. I just couldn't wait for you. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. And dinner's going to be late. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. dear.. dear. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. So. -I got along fine. -No. . He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. You know. sweet Reverend Harper. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. why? Good news for you.. -I'll run right downstairs and see.. And I was all alone. Dear. too. and Reverend Harper was coming. Did you just have tea? Yes.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.

Mortimer. Mortimer. Wait a minute. -It's Elaine! -Hello. -But. Just throw it. But. -You've got to drive us to the station. -Take her hat. If you find her hairpins. There they are. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -This old cab has seen osculation but. you're going to love me . right out here with everyone looking.Well? Just look in the windowseat. I don't like that look in your eyes. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. buddy. And her brooch. -You ain't seen anything yet. darlings.. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Hold on to that... keep them. -But that was only Sunday. Here's your hat. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. right out here with everyone looking? Yes.

I started packing the day after I met you. No. I can handle Father. don't tell your father. too? One thing at a time. It goes just before this. you see! You see? That's what I mean. We've a room on the train. That's what I hate about women. . He's a dear. Go on. You should've seen my secretary's face.. the bridal suite in the hotel. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. There's that look again! "There's that look again.. Look. hurry and pack.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your.. There. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog.for my mind. Yes. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. .. I don't have to. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office... darling. You'll see it often. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia.. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there.

Send four dozen more to drawing room A. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. darling. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Grand Central Station. Elaine and I are married. Hold on to your bustles. it's me. you two old frauds. And throw in a flock . -Father may want to pray over me. What? Now? No. -Whistle when you're ready. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. -It'll be a few minutes. Brewster? Good. open the front door fast.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. hurry. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. When you whistle. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Oh. here. We're married. dark streak of light. If you see a tall. Isn't it too. Hurry.

-You won't have time to bake a cake. I'll run along and get everything ready. Well. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. Oh. . It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. It's all ready. dear. You know how your books upset him. we can have our celebration. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. We're going to Niagara Falls. Did everybody know I was getting married. A taxi's waiting. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. I'm going to burn all my books. a wedding cake. But before you go. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. too. Of course.of orange blossoms. of course. -And. I'll let the Reverend light the first match.

Let's find them before Elaine sees them. I know. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. dear! . A new lock for the canal. I'm off to Panama. Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Really? A honey of a lunatic. dear. President. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Oh. Hello. President? -Bully. Yes.Now you behave. He'd scare grownups with it. Just bully. Mortimer! -How are you. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. "Oh. I saw a play. reminded me of Jonathan. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. My. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. thank you. what a face! I remember now. Goodbye. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. goodbye. had a character in it. Mr. you know.

listen. Now. what a play. mister. Well. When the curtain goes up. When Teddy's working on the canal. -You know? -Of course. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Get him up here now. dear. you can't get his mind on anything else. Yes. look. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. . -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. but I've got an awful shock for you. That's after we're gone. darlings. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. -There's no such hurry as that. but it has nothing to do with Teddy.Yeah. The next thing-Hey. We know. darling! Never mind that now. Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. I'm frightfully sorry. darlings. dear. Teddy's killed a man. At once! -He's in the cellar.

No. men just don't get into windowseats and die. You mean you. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice.. Aunt Martha... He died first. how did he die? Mortimer. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. except that he's a Methodist. Adam Hoskins.. it has a distinct odor. What the. Wait! Stop all this. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. Now look. That's really all I know about him. dear. Hoskins. You just forget about it. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.. Who is he? He's a Mr. don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Mortimer. You put it in the wine? .Now.. When it's in tea. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.

. but this time we'll go where we want to go. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. . Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. The dears. not at tea. tomorrow or next day. Mortimer. It's first-degree.because Reverend Harper was coming. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . darling.. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Schultz. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. She's much better. We must do that. Now. Abby..Yes. Look at me. you know all about it and just forget about it. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Yes. And I put Mr. That wouldn't have been very nice. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Hoskins in the windowseat.

Teddy's down in the cellar now. Whatever his name is. dear. Aunt Martha. -We'll let you lick the bowl. dear. I know what his name is. -We can't turn you over to the police. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. you behave. Now.Yes. dear.. Mortimer. I want to know what we're going to do. You're going to bury Mr. Hoskins. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. We told you to forget the whole thing. That's what we did with the others. it is. Look. digging the lock. don't be so impatient. They have so much fun. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. Mortimer. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Mr. you can't leave him in there. -But Mr. here. We don't intend to. dear. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. You can't.. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. -Stop worrying about it. ..

it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.. This one is only 1 1 . Hello. When you say "others. Let me see now. I was counting the first one. Abby.. Makes it 12. keep your shirt on! Elaine. dear. But. Abby? No. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. dear.. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why.. because I remember when Mr. Abby. isn't it." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Hoskins first came in. This makes 12. . dear. It does? Well. I didn't mean-- . For heaven's sake. Abby usually is. No. I really don't think you should count the first one. This is 1 1. dear.-Others? -The other gentlemen. dear. I get them mixed up sometimes. she's probably right. Abby. and that makes it 12. I think you're wrong.

. Never mind about that. then and there. we all took him down to Panama.. All his kith and kin were dead.and he sat there dead in that chair..to find that same peace. dear.. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.. And then. You mean. Where were we? Twelve. old men.. . you poor. Abby thinks we should count the first one.. .. .. Midgely. Remember. Tell me.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.. .. old gentleman.looking so peaceful. Just sit down.. .. Teddy came up from digging in Panama..we would. when his heart attack came. let's see.. .and he thought Mr.. He was such a lonely.... So. Why... . He was a Baptist... Twelve! Yes. who was the first one? Mr.. you see..Now... Martha? We made up our minds.. We felt so sorry for him.that if we could help other lonely.

because we know exactly what's to be done. just a pinch of cyanide... -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. There. . And then. Wait a minute! Come here.. . -Mortimer.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things... . darling... one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead... Well.. dear.. ... As a matter of fact. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it. dear... so. Of course not! Well.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. for a gallon of elderberry wine.....l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. Should have quite a kick.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. No..

Winchell? No.He did? Well. darling. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Let me see. Everybody knows he's crazy. What am I doing with tickets? Information.. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. That'd be nice. Who can I call up? Dewey. Teddy! Of course. digging locks.. Singing away.. We must get that cake frosted. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. a sip of. He's wonderful. Winchell's no good. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. I couldn't eat a thing... Happy as a lark. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night.. La Guardia. Let me see. Don't worry about the cake.

-Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. you! Thought you were tall. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. please. What'd you do. What's wrong? Look at your hair.on North Shore Road. I heard you whistle. -How do I look? -You look fine. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. yes. Something's happened. Yeah. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. Brooklyn. dark streak of light. -Run on home. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. I'll call you up tomorrow. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. .

But it's a matter of life and. A thing happened. The police want to throw him into a state institution. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. Judge. . I've got to come over and see you right away. I'll tell you why I called you. You smell so nice. darling. It won't wait until tomorrow. he's-It's his bugle blowing. Judge. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. You better go home! -But. It's about Teddy. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry... It's very. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. very important. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. -Go to bed. we were married today. Elaine. Judge. about Teddy.If I could only tell you.. We've got to do something immediately.

-Well. Doorbell's ringing. -My name's Gibbs. we're just setting the table for dinner. do sit down. please.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. I understand you've got a room to rent. -All alone in the world? . Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. How do you do? Come in. Do step in. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Now. Happy Dale. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Don't like it. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. And this is my sister. New York. I'm Miss Brewster. It's a wonderful place. I'm sorry. this would be a nice comfortable chair. we can get him to Happy Dale. Another Miss Brewster. dear. Operator? Give me long distance.

Happy Dale. I'd like to see the room. -Thank you. Martha. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.-Well. "D" Iike in "dig... we make this ourselves. . but the cemetery's full of them. skoal. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Well." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. Well. The room's upstairs. you've come to just the right house.. -Do sit down. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. That's right. I don't think I'll like it. Please. "A" Iike in "arsenic. I can see the headlines now. -Dale." when you dig a lock. -No. It's elderberry wine. Well.

Oh. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No.. but you've given me an idea! Darling. Not that. murdered. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. What I mean is. Don't do that. People wouldn't understand.Hello. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . madam... Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. I'm nervous. . I'm not drunk.but it's not only against the law.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you.. it's wrong... He wouldn't understand.

. Well. That's too bad. Brewster. Thank you. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Mr. Of course. dear. we want to commit him there immediately... Mr.What? All right. . do you-I'm fine. if he thought that-Mr. now. Well. please. Witherspoon. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. How do you do. Thank you. Mr. Bonaparte. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. I see. Witherspoon. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Yes. Oh. thanks. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Witherspoon speaking. operator.That's amazing. Oh. Mr. . Well.-. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. if your mind is made up. dear. And if-Oh. Witherspoon..and it would lead to trouble. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment.

.. we'd have to know what it was first. dear. darling. like good girls. I love you both very much. Mortimer... -But. Whosit where he is. dear. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. Oh. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I'll sing with you. I can't concentrate.Another Roosevelt.. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. you'll do that little thing for me. Now listen. Get off that thing. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. darling. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. I'm going to Judge Cullman's.. but I want you to promise me something. don't you? Yes. I mean. You know I'd do anything for you. What on earth could happen to us? Well. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is.. I can't talk to you. I want you to do one thing for me. Anyway. Well.

Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. I'll sit with you! Yeah. anything. -Don't open it. Yes. You promise? Good. . Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. that's right. I can go faster that way. Sure. Remember. What? Stop that. You know. What is it? Mr. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. I'm so happy for Elaine. Oh. Shame! Such a nice hat. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous.I'll dance with you. The poor dears. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Why? He's just been married. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. well. cab! Here you are. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey.

doctor. Yes.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. The family must still live here. it's a good hideout. Johnny. Drink. This is the home of my youth. they're strangers to me. It's two men. -You look. As a boy. I'll go. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. and I've never seen them before. Johnny. Johnny. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Look. dear. Come in. I'm so hungry. -Are you sure? -Yes. -Let me look. A fatted calf?. There's one up in my room. -Do you recognize them? -No. . As if we were expected. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. we'll need another hymnal.

. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies.. You just get out of here.... You're nothing like Jonathan.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. his voice is like Jonathan's. He's a plastic surgeon. Einstein is responsible for that. Aunt Martha. No. It's Jonathan. Have you been in an accident? My face.. But I've seen that face before.. Your nephew. still the high collar..that Grandma Brewster bought in England. Jonathan.. Aunt Martha. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.. .A good omen. you know. you're not. And you. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. . Dr. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. so don't pretend you are.. Why.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

Four feet wide. We expect to be very busy.. as a boy. Rather a good joke on my aunts. Spenalzo in through the door. Come here. . . I could be disagreeable.. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Bed. we'll bring him in through the window.. How do we get him in here? Yes.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.. we can't just walk Mr.. I don't have to go into details. And it just fits Mr. six feet long.. That's hospitality. Spenalzo. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.. I forgot to tell you. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. -Down here. Quick. See the hole he's digging.You remember that. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo along.

the poor dear. And he's been so patient. Promise? You have the word of the President . Hoskins downstairs right away. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. there's been another yellow-fever victim. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. Teddy. we must keep it a secret. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. Hoskins? Mr. I think Teddy had better take Mr. That might be against the law. I don't want to leave it in the street.We're moving the car behind the house. He said the canal was just the right size. You'd better get to bed. The car is all right where it is until morning. No. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. A state secret? Yes. General Goethals was very pleased. a state secret.

Now get along. We've never had yellow fever there before. You two run along to bed.. You can go right up. But you must be very tired. you were out... It seems to be spreading.. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar.of the United States. he's really very nice looking. .. considering that he's a Methodist. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. You just come right along and see him now. And then. Your room is waiting for you. Both of you.. let's see. Cross my heart and hope to die. I've never even seen Mr. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. when everything's dark here. You know. .. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.. Now. -And we don't go to bed this early. We're bringing the luggage through here.when I turn out the lights. . I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. And we'll come down later and hold services.

Now. Now! Turn out the lights. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. I'll come back later. Aunt Abby. You go outside and push. I'll take a look around outside the house.-It's time I came home to take care of you. you open the window. . Take the bags upstairs. All right. Aunt Martha. we'll all go to bed. -All right. It's dark in here. You go round and hand him through. But he's too heavy for me. Aunt Abby. I'll open the window. For the instruments. -I'll be right up. and I'll stay here and pull. Johnny. Just off the laboratory. Doctor. And then together we take him down to Panama. When I tap on the glass. We must be quick. Run along. Good night. Yeah. Where am l? Here I am. He's all right.

Now I have him. Now I have him. Doctor! . wait a minute. Now I've got him! Johnny. I'm not very used to it. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. -But his shoe came off. it's Brewster. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. wait a minute.Who left this open? Okay. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Mortimer. -Be careful. Allez. Now I got him. You lost a leg somewhere. quick. He's so heavy. I live next door. up! Now. He's so heavy. Go open. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. I mean. somebody's at the door. Help me. Hand him over. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go. Help me.

. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. I'm in this house every day. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.. That explains everything. It's okay. May I present Dr. Einstein? Dr. they talk about you. Now that I know who you are. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. I've never seen you before.. "That explains everything.. . We happen to live here.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. -You've heard of me? -Yes. You don't live here. -You're Jonathan.It's all right. that's all. . And something of a magician. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.

-Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Go back to your room. No visitors. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. -What else did you see? -Just that. Charge! Doctor. the cellar. . Alice. a sneak thief. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. No! Don't be a tomboy. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. I came to see Mortimer. It's going to be a private funeral. Is that why you came over here? No. that's all! I see. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. I'll run--You've given two names. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous.I suppose it was you. But if he's not home.

-We'll call the police.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Mortimer. . Mortimer. -What? I've come back home. I talk. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now.. "I've come back home. it talks! Yes. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. darling. Mortimer. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you." Listen. Jonathan! -I've come back home. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. Einstein.. he--Wait a minute. -I'll handle this.. Mortimer. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Go back to your room. . Mortimer. Do you hear me? Don't answer that... -Mortimer.. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember..

No. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. Here's $10. We don't take up much room. Please. and I'll sleep on the windowseat.. . Einstein to stay.. I'm staying here from now on. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat.Yeah. Now look. Now. just a moment. -What? -Just for tonight. -In fact. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. I remember. be a good fellow. I'm staying here tonight. Nothing to. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. We invited Jonathan and Dr.

. Spenalzo. that. beat it! It's all right. Wait! Who's this Mr. -Oh. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Spenalzo.Mortimer. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. I'll take care of you. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. I've completely lost track of Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. I'll tell you about him. Elaine. in just a little while. Don't bring anyone else in here. Now. Mortimer. Mr. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Doctor. Johnny. While we are packing. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. What? What's going to happen to Mr.

I'm afraid of him. please. we were going over Niagara Falls. look. Brewster...-It was worse than that. -You'd better run along home. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. . Witherspoon. I'm here now. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. I got things to do. I can't hear the man. don't worry about it.. -What? Go on home like a good girl. . Yes. -But--Please. He's some kind of a maniac. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. . We were married today. Mr.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Well.. Forget it.your brother tries to strangle me... a taxi's waiting. I don't understand you. Well. Darling. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0.. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr..

Yeah.. Doctor.. of course? By the doctor? Oh. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. . Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. taxi. Teddy. darling.. I'll get both signatures. . What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. come right away. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. wedding ring. I know it's late.put them in a barrel. Let me think about this thing. signature.. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. By the way.. darling. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.. Thank you. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please.I've got the papers all drawn up. windowseat. well.

No. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. It is not Mr. you come in here now! Yes. Yes. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. You admitted you put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat. Mr. he's mistaken. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Hoskins. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. I did. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Hoskins! -By the way. where is Mr. dear. . And if he came here to be buried in our cellar.

But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Listen. .. And I've also decided that you're leaving. I did. Are you getting out. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. We haven't had a minute. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. you come straight along here. No. Mortimer. Don't. Oh.He's down there waiting for the services. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. what with Jonathan in the house. handsome. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. dear. and I mean now. poor dear. Martha. I've decided that we're staying... I'm in no mood to debate the question.

Remember. This is our nephew. Jonathan is leaving. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. too. I've got some very good news for you. I'll have to call the police.. . Well? All right. Jonathan. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Come right in. Don't reach for the telephone. Spenalzo can happen to you. Einstein and that cold companion with him.. -Glad to see you. You're my brother. You can't ask for more than that.Aunt Abby. darling. -No! Come in. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. -And this is another nephew. Listen. -Yes. Mortimer. Put down that telephone.. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. in that case. what happened to Mr. I owe you an apology. And he's taking Dr. Officer. you're a Brewster. do come in. -Pleased to meet you.

I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I can spell like the dickens. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. This is your last chance. well. Mr. -I'll be running along. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.Your face is familiar. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. You are? Well. Dr. Spenalzo. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. If you don't leave here. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. All three of you: you. Officer O'Hara. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. I got to ring in. . Einstein and Spenalzo. but I can't spell them. I'm working on a play now. You can tell me all about it. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen.

Then if he tries to interfere-No. we're coming back here. Okay. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Come. We can make a fortune. Just give me one moment. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Johnny. I never did like Mortimer. But we've got trouble enough as it is. O'Hara. Please! Doctor. Please. let's go. Right with you. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Johnny. Look. please.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. We're sleeping right here in this house. Two old ladies as a front. We're not going. We've got a wonderful setup here. No. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Now get going! All three of you. Only Mortimer stands in our way. no. you lose your head. take it easy. After that.

rehash it. Well. We're not going.in the cellar. Yes. I'll be back in a minute. If you tell O'Hara . I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -I like the first act. -You're not going? -No. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn.. I worked on it for 12 years. you asked for it.. It's no fly-by-night idea. we got an ace in the hole. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. -Excuse me. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. -I don't know. Move fast. All right. -Legitimate? Of course. Mortimer. -Swell. You stay out of this. She was my mother.. Well. -My mother was an actress. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it.

Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. I assure you. This opening will kill you. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. . huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Bohemian atmosphere. Genius at work. Lowbrows.. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.what's in the windowseat. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. I'll meet you there later.. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . You'd better ring in. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.l'll tell him what's in the cellar.

I think we can start the services now. You haven't. You've got to take him with you! . Perish the thought.. We thought we heard you leave. -Can't wait! Doctor.. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. Did he look guilty! Well. The moment the doctor signs. will you? This is a great play. You won't stand me up. Well.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. doctor. Martha. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Yes. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. Wait for me! We'll wait for him.... I expect to find you gone. Where do you. . I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. dear aunties... When I come back. -I'll see you down there.Look.. Where are those papers? There they are. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. And speaking of services. You're smug. Jonathan. That was just Mortimer. you ring in and I'll see you later...

Doctor. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Hoskins--Mr. He must mean Mr. Hoskins is no stranger. there's no room for Mr. They're both dead. Twelve graves. Why. Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Spenalzo. -But Mr. Besides. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. . You mean. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. The cellar's crowded already. It's one of our charities. -He's one of our gentlemen. -Your gentlemen? Yes. what we've been doing is a mercy. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Mr.

.. Spenalzo out of here. Then the first one in London. -No. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. one in Phoenix. I've got 13. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Johnny.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. Spenalzo.. they got 12. -Filling.. and they do just as good as you do. . Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. .. What? You got 12. That makes 13. You've done all that. . Phoenix? -The filling station. You cannot count him.. 12. There's Mr. one in Melbourne.and they stay right here in Brooklyn..two in San Francisco.. You cannot count the one in South Bend. Arizona... He died of pneumonia. they got 12. one in Sydney.. Two in Johannesburg.So you just take your Mr.. -Thirteen. . You got 12. Don't brag....

. Dr. -You better wait..The old ladies is just as good as you are.. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. seeing a doctor.. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. All I need is one more. -You wait here.l'm sure you'd be convinced. Just one more. Gilchrist. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. That's all.. but only you can help me. -Who? What? Did I say. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. . If you'd talk with him. but I can't commit a man just on that. They are. I know Teddy blows bugles. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. I'll be right back. .. are they? Well. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. that's easily taken care of. Make yourself comfortable. This is most irregular.. Pull up a tombstone. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home.

50! -What? $22. So far. is it not? Yes. looks good on you! Not the suit.50. indeed.-Hey. Five more bucks and you'll own it.50! Oh. thanks. of course I love you. -Mr. Well now." $22. Certainly. -Do you? -Yes. No. so good. yes. President. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. with a Maxim silencer. darling. Not so good. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. . $22. may I present--Dr. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. that's that. It gives me a chance to rest. Welcome to Washington. It wouldn't fit me. the meter! "Looks good on me.

That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. but you see. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. It's way back before Teddy. I can't go through with our marriage. Doctor. that doesn't mean-No. but it's only a matter of time. . .. -What are you talking about? -Well.. I love you so much. -Of course. I probably should have told you this before. I'll run for a third term. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.. -That's what you think.. Darling.. Darling. Just because Teddy's strange. if the country insists. that's ancient history. darling. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I don't quite know. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. insanity runs in my family... but I won't be elected. It practically gallops.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling.well.

I. They're Brewsters. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. That's the way I love you. even they have their peculiarities. Thank you.Darling.. I'm crazy too. -Go away. you better stop it. It'll just have to be undone. all this doesn't prove a thing. sanest people I've ever known. There's no use doing what you're doing. -Those papers. Anytime you're in Washington. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Just go on signing the papers. I've enjoyed this little talk very much... Aunt Abby. Well. aren't they? They're the sweetest. What of it? So your family's crazy. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. Look at your aunts. Goodbye. No. no. drop in to see me at the White House. go to bed! . but kiss me. Ambassador. So you're crazy.

Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. . Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. -Oh.. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Hoskins and Mr.. All right. I'll get them out. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. Spenalzo in together. Martha and I are going for the police. Nice and smooth like a lake. You know. This is all fixed up nice now. Bed feels good already.. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. Doctor. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. . If Jonathan and Mr. let him. You're forgetting..we're going for the police. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.

Okay. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. You are going to operate tomorrow. You forget. Mortimer. You can see that it's got to be done. Doctor. I just heard him upstairs. the Melbourne method. Okay. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Doctor. go to bed. I know that look. Not the Melbourne method. But the quick way. Doctor. can't you? Yeah. But Johnny. Or the next day. I think. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. what? .-Remember. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Johnny. I think this calls for something special. No. Look at me. perhaps. We'll do it tomorrow. My brother. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. we'll do it. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. no police! No police! Look. huh? The quick twist like in London. No! I am tired.

This must be secret. Mr. Hey. What a load off my mind. Mr. President. What is it. . please? -What? Speak up. Yes. Johnny's in a bad mood. Mr. Brewster. Get out! -Stop underplaying. -Of course. So I have. President. A secret proclamation? How unusual. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Mr. mice? -You get out of this house. Don't do that. Boy. Get out. will you.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. I see! Very clever. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Mr. President. -Please listen to me. You already have them on. Wait here. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. President. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. I can't hear you. Oh. I can't hear you.

1919. please. He's a maniac! And then things happen. -What's that? Wait. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Doc-. You take care of yourself. Brewster. You beat it before things start popping around here. But. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. I'll take care of him. Stop it.he's a madman. but you go now. . Please. little fellow. -I could use that.Are you really a doctor? Yes.. look. Please go now.. Heidelberg.. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Horrible things. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Only for dramatic critics. Get going. -That's mine. You've just been married. Please. Don't those plays you see all the time . when Johnny's in that mood.. Mr. Please listen to me.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. -My schnapps.

it'll still be running when you get out. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. . When you get out of prison. There's a play that's so bad. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. He's even been warned to get out. Now listen to this.. Isn't that great? So there he is. The murderer even invites him to sit down. At least people in plays act like they got sense. And does he go? No. There's a man. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. -What do you think he does? -I don't know... Witherspoon. he doesn't.

But never. Now. Johnny. That's right..we go to work.. brother Heidelberg. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. He wasn't very bright. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. I've been away for 20 years. you may consider that a blessing.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Later on. my dear brother. Look at the attitude. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. . This fellow's supposed to be bright. but does he? No! See. for me.. I dreamt of you.. were you out of my mind. Yes. in a play or even in a movie. Now get a load of this. . The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. In Melbourne one night.. Please. Mortimer. All he has to do is look around.a fellow never sees or hears anything.... . The big dope! You were right about that fellow. Doctor. the quick way.

I'll split it with you. please. One moment. -Please. Where did they put it? I found some wine. We drink to you. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. Let's get it over with. That idiot! -He goes next. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Here. But I cannot see this without the drink. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. After all. Please! All right. Mortimer. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Where are your manners? Yes. To my dear. That's all.-This must be an artistic achievement. We both have a drink before we operate. there was some wine. And then they took it. Pull yourself together. You remember when we came in. dead brother. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn.

In the second act.. I'll help you. The quick way. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. The quick way. Like a flash.. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. sure. Yeah.. They practically stole that from my play.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. I'd better talk to him myself. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. We're taking the bugle away from him. .-We'll get to him later. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. out of a clear sky. I see. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.. then the quick way. It's all right. yes! If it has to be. -What happened to him? -Nothing. .

It's getting you. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.. My mother doesn't say they're married. . It's an evolving stage.. Well. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. I'm in great danger.. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.. "Miss Peaches La Tour. . casual-like.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. -It's probably over his head. see? Little do I know it. You ain't heard nothing yet. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. please. in the meantime.He says.. I'm walking along my beat. Growing into a magnificent specimen.. a fire breaks out. The scene changes. All of a sudden. there's me. -What? -I personally like it very much. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.

Did they send you here? No. . Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -I heard him. so I pulls out my gun. -He's going to help me write my play. That's the one that ran away.when a guy that I'm following. . Brewster's brother. who the heck is this? Mr.. So he came back. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in.. -Johnny. He says we've got to put him away someplace.. this is Mortimer Brewster..braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello.. boys. I figures I'll outsmart him.. we came to warn the old ladies. -The colonel blew that bugle again.. Now. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. Brophy. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. Get me Mac. Right in the middle of the second act. -There's a vacant house on the corner. My play put him to sleep. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. The neighbors are phoning in. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in.

Mr. I better let them know that I found you. -Come down to the cellar. Mr. Brewster. you've got me. Be careful what you say. 13. So I've been turned in? All right. Shall we bring him in? All right. -Wait a minute. It wasn't that bad. You think my aunts are sweet. Leave him to me. . Thirteen bodies. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. We found him. charming old ladies. Yes. Brewster. -I'll show them to you. we'll hold him right here. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Your aunts are friends of ours. The Lieutenant is on his way over. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. At the Brewster house. don't you? Well. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes.

Let me tell you-I'll see you later. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. I got something better. Don't bother me now. come to the cellar. . Amazing. -Go on down the cellar with him. -Go to the cellar with him. Pat. Don't! Sarge! Look out. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Such a fine day. He looks like Boris Karloff. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. too. Look out! Fight. I got him. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Pat. that's enough. please.I'll show you where they're buried. Everybody off. Go on and fight. look out! Amazing. Well. You could use this in the third act. look. That's enough. -Yes. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar.

Wish I could relax like that.. What do I care? Go ahead. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. dear. That won't have any effect..The papers are all signed. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. please. -Come in. fight. Pat. . Telephone. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. I've tried it before-It did. Turn him over. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. Get him.. -Witherspoon. That's fine. Isn't that amazing? Oh. Don't do that. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. Boris. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Thank you very much. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. brother.

you can at least read short detective stories. The guy who helped him escape. You're suspended. He's wanted. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. He's a lifer. He says 13 bodies are there.. About my not ringing in. pal. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. "He looked like Karloff.. .. Report in. .You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up... Certainly. That's my brother. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. Now go on.. he's wanted.. You're going to have a long time on that play.. That's the way they described him. ." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. too. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.

I'm Mortimer Brewster. -Questioning of spies is my department. No. Get this gu y out of here. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. keep out of that. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. With flatheads like you on the force. Colonel. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Colonel. you've blown your last bugle. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. This is a spy.Here. But I'm not myself today. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Nothing to eat. you. Colonel. I want to question him. -Hey. Howdy. . Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. We caught him at the White House. No sleep. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. Take him out and bring him to.

-I'm waiting for Mr. Captain. I'm liable to think anything. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. No arguments. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Read this. . I know just how you feel. Any offers? I'm Mr. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Last year there was a crazy guy. No arguments. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good.You're his brother. Just a minute. He's got to be put away. take it easy. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. started a murder rumor. I have come to get a Brewster. no argument. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. There's people dumb enough to believe that. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Look. -As long as he's going someplace. Witherspoon.

You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. I'm so glad to see you. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. He's ready to talk. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Never mind! Give me that pen.Mr. Witherspoon is here. Let me explain. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. all I got to get is Witherspoon. That's all right! Do that again for me. it's chicanery. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. . Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -Hold him till I get there. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Brewster? Mr. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -That's fine. Now. This is fun. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.

You never can tell. Taxicabs. Something I've been working on.And no wagon when he leaves. I shan't mind. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. You do? It must be a nice place. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. it's a play.. It means a great deal to me. secretly. I have one waiting now. . Witherspoon. -That's good. you know-Captain. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale.. Why? To take him away? Never. -The woods are full of them. never. You know. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. We always. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. this is Mr. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. I've never been there.. I sometimes envy some of our patients.

-Is this March 4? -Practically. Witherspoon. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Goodbye. -What is this? No. I'm on my way to Africa. President? Taft! No. Now you can take him away. Aunt Abby. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. you got it wrong.. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Aunt Martha. Mr. This is Captain Rooney. Taft. It's Mr. this isn't Mr. my boy. your guide to Africa. Happy man. I must get started immediately.. President.-Come.. all signed. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. I'll bring down my equipment. I have good news for you. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Let's see. Mr. Your term of office is over.

Too dangerous. -If he's going. ladies. Dissension. let's be sensible. he's come to take him. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. jealousy. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. We promise to take his bugle away from him. dear. he can't go now! We won't permit it.It's all right. You've come to meet Teddy. Oh. -We won't be separated from Teddy. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. You could arrange that. Now. but impossible. haven't you? No. we're going. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. I've got it. . Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. No. -I'm sorry. you'll have to take us with him. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. too! -Yes. Why not? Why not. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. How can you allow this? You promised. indeed? It's sweet of them.

.and we'll get them all together. No. -I'll tell you what we'll do. He's been a little strange all day. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. Mortimer. . We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. You just ask our nephew.. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. . You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. -I'll look in that cellar. What? Yes. The graves are all marked. Things are going to get worse. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar.It ain't only his bugle blowing. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. you wouldn't have to dig. -How about it? -I'll be right there. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore..

. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. -He got married today. It's amazing. humor them. None of mine are gentlemen. Humor them. Spenalzo. There's one down there. Smile.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. -Flowers? Sure. Where are they? .. Hasn't got it yet. "There is a Happy Dale far. . Teddy committed himself. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. we'll sign the papers. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed.. I put neon lights on mine. If we can go with Teddy. -You mustn't mind him at all. a Mr. -Certainly..-We put flowers on them every Sunday.

Yes. Dr. Maybe I can understand him. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. I'm so sorry. Doctor. -Here? -Yes. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. here. Oh. Come along. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. -A doctor? -Yes. Einstein. Dr. Ladies. Doctor? -Yes. please. right here. I'm really looking forward to going. please. -Good night. please. Sign them up. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Just sign right here. We've overlooked something.I have them. The neighborhood here has changed so. ladies. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. will you? I want this all cleaned up. if you'll sign right here. please. Now. It's on the right-hand side there. Dr. dear. A doctor. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Doctor. -Were you leaving. -Come here. .

Mr. Five-foot-three. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. -Don't play games--You sign. It's all right. Okay. Einstein! -Now. Mac. It's contagious. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Mr. Read it to me. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Mac. That's great! Thanks. You sign as next of kin. will you? About 40. Pop eyes. One hundred and forty pounds. But Dr. Witherport. I'm Brewster. The doctor has completed the signatures. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. It's your turn. Poses as a doctor. yes. Doc. Hello. Don't mind me. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Talks with a German accent. on the desk. Thanks. .

He's President. darling. you tell him. dear. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. -Me too. We're very happy about the whole thing. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. -What.-Spoon. Einstein--But it's not his signature. darling? -Martha. -Well. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. We don't want anything to go wrong. Well. -What's wrong about that. Mortimer. dear. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. darling. -Here. Come up and pack my duffel. don't be worried. -It's yours. of course. you know? And bring along my bugle. Now. you signed as next of kin. And you were born . -Mine? You see. but that's just it. President. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. Duffel? Pack his duffel.

I really did see-- . darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. They're off to a flying start. -Goodbye. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. Your real father was a cook. too. It's true. ... So brother married her.. Quiet! -But..we didn't want to lose her. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.about three months afterwards. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.

I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. dear. I'm a son of a sea cook. But. Mortimer. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. love. Yes. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. We're going to Niagara Falls. Call me a cab. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ .You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. its operators. Mr.

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