Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

..should take any man's daughter anyplace. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. Remember now. Bless you. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. Reverend Harper.but no man with this published attitude... .. No.Their old man left them fixed for life.. I must be catching cold. dear. ." either.. He used to come to see us only occasionally.. . at any time. Sister Martha and I are so happy.. You know I'm not a swearing man. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.. He's so very much in love with her. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. Brophy..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater..he's in Brooklyn six nights a week... That's their way of digging up people to do good to. You'd be surprised . Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.. watch your language. Don't you call them "the girls. and now.. .. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.. ..

No. You get tired of playing cards.what they'd consider swearing. You know the Reverend Dr. How do you do. Teddy. This is Officer O'Hara. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. what news have you brought me? Colonel. Brophy? . -How do you do. They're all packed. Harper from the church next door? Hello. we have nothing to report. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. absolutely nothing to report. Will you excuse me? No. dear. Brophy. Gentlemen. gentlemen. At ease. by the library door. The toys are on the chair up here. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. sir? It's nice to meet you. Splendid! Thank you. no. He's taking over my beat. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. This is Officer O'Hara. the new man on the beat. -Miss Abby. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. Teddy. we came for the toys. I'll go. Mr. -Come right in. That's splendid work you men do. Thank you.

. That's right... Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. still. Reverend. Teddy... Father. . but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. But a little weak. I'll make a note. Sarge. Gentlemen. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. .She's better. Look.and the neighbors raised Cain.. They're afraid of him... Now don't do that again. You've done so much already. thank you. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Please don't bother... that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. He's an interesting character.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Isn't it a shame.. Isn't it a shame. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. I promised I wouldn't swear. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.

isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. -Not at all.. this is grand. You bet I will. -Thank you. put it back. Thank you. -Now. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Teddy. Sarge. Colonel. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. you're back. how do you do? Miss Martha. -Reverend. No. Here's the broth for Mrs. -These are lovely. So long. Colonel. He's taking over my duties. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Hey. Dismissed! . -How do you do? -Good afternoon. dear. it goes to Australia.. -Don't mention it.. Yes. Officer O'Hara. Martha. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Miss Brewster. and thank you very much. -The children will go crazy. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Brophy.Well. Be sure it's good and hot. now.

.it might be a change for him. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. I must be going. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.-Goodbye and thank you. Young man. -Good night. if he's happy. indeed.. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Yes. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.. Do you remember. let that be a lesson to you... Martha? Once. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. . That is quite a problem.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Don't mention it. Well.. -Careful of the step with the toys. and what's more important.. you're happy. Goodbye. -Well.. a long time ago.. and we suggested it.

-I got along fine. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. and Reverend Harper was coming. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. You know.. Martha. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. There wasn't time. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. -No. -But all by yourself.. Dear. dear. too. And dinner's going to be late. . Did you just have tea? Yes.. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. -I'll run right downstairs and see. why? Good news for you. So. And I was all alone. sweet Reverend Harper. I just couldn't wait for you. dear. I didn't know when you'd be back.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine.

He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Hold on to that.. -You ain't seen anything yet. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -You've got to drive us to the station. -But. -But that was only Sunday. Mortimer. Just throw it.Well? Just look in the windowseat. keep them. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Please! For heaven's sake! But. Mortimer. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.. right out here with everyone looking. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. -Take her hat. Wait a minute. I don't like that look in your eyes. -It's Elaine! -Hello.. darlings. Here's your hat. But. And her brooch. buddy. If you find her hairpins. There they are. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. you're going to love me .

Yes.. He's a dear. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. don't tell your father. No.. I can handle Father. Look. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. the bridal suite in the hotel. I don't have to. Go on.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. There. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. too? One thing at a time. darling.... It goes just before this. There's that look again! "There's that look again. You should've seen my secretary's face.for my mind. I started packing the day after I met you. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. . That's what I hate about women. you see! You see? That's what I mean. hurry and pack. We've a room on the train. .. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.. You'll see it often.

-Father may want to pray over me. -It'll be a few minutes. If you see a tall. here. When you whistle. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. And throw in a flock . What? Now? No. We're married. open the front door fast. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Isn't it too. Did you send those roses to Mrs. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Grand Central Station. it's me. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. Hold on to your bustles. dark streak of light. -Whistle when you're ready. you two old frauds. Brewster? Good. Elaine and I are married.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Oh. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. hurry. darling. Hurry.

too. We're going to Niagara Falls. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. A taxi's waiting. dear. Of course. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. -And. But before you go. -You won't have time to bake a cake.of orange blossoms. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. a wedding cake. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. I'll run along and get everything ready. we can have our celebration. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'm going to burn all my books. Did everybody know I was getting married. of course. Well. Oh. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. It's all ready. You know how your books upset him. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. .

A new lock for the canal. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Mortimer! -How are you. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Mr. thank you. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Well. I saw a play. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Yes. Oh. President. He'd scare grownups with it. you know. Hello. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Mr. had a character in it. dear. President? -Bully. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. I'm off to Panama. dear! . My. "Oh. reminded me of Jonathan.Now you behave. Goodbye. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. what a face! I remember now. Just bully. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Really? A honey of a lunatic. goodbye.

The next thing-Hey. When Teddy's working on the canal. the first thing you see is a dead body.Yeah. Well. -There's no such hurry as that. but I've got an awful shock for you. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. We know. darling! Never mind that now. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. dear. look. At once! -He's in the cellar. . Now. Get him up here now. listen. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Teddy's killed a man. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Yes. what a play. That's after we're gone. darlings. mister. I'm frightfully sorry. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. Yes. dear. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. you can't get his mind on anything else. darlings. When the curtain goes up. -You know? -Of course.

don't be so inquisitive. except that he's a Methodist. dear.Now. Aunt Martha. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. You put it in the wine? . When it's in tea. Hoskins.. You mean you. it has a distinct odor. No. how did he die? Mortimer. What the. Now look. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Mortimer. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek... men just don't get into windowseats and die. Who is he? He's a Mr. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. That's really all I know about him. Adam Hoskins. Wait! Stop all this.. He died first. You just forget about it. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice..

tomorrow or next day.Yes. Abby. Look at me. Now. not at tea. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. It's first-degree. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. but this time we'll go where we want to go. Hoskins in the windowseat. you know all about it and just forget about it. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. That wouldn't have been very nice. And I put Mr. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. The dears. Schultz. She's much better. . I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets...because Reverend Harper was coming. Mortimer. darling.. Yes.. We must do that.

They have so much fun. I want to know what we're going to do. . I know what his name is. -We can't turn you over to the police. Mortimer. Hoskins. -But Mr. here. don't be so impatient. Look. That's what we did with the others.. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. We told you to forget the whole thing. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Whatever his name is.. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. dear. it is. you can't leave him in there. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. dear. digging the lock. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Now. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Teddy's down in the cellar now. We don't intend to. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. You're going to bury Mr. You can't. -Stop worrying about it. Mortimer. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. you behave. dear.Yes. dear. Mr. Aunt Martha..

dear." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. But. Hello. This is 1 1. Hoskins first came in. dear. dear. It does? Well.. dear. Abby? No. Abby. Abby usually is. Let me see now. because I remember when Mr. she's probably right. This one is only 1 1 . I didn't mean-- . I get them mixed up sometimes. I really don't think you should count the first one.. No. and that makes it 12. .. For heaven's sake.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. Abby. I was counting the first one. Abby. dear. When you say "others. I think you're wrong. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. isn't it. Makes it 12.. keep your shirt on! Elaine. This makes 12.

. And then. ..Now.. We felt so sorry for him. old men. So.to find that same peace. .. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim... then and there. Remember. you see... Tell me. Martha? We made up our minds. He was such a lonely. Twelve! Yes. .. .and he sat there dead in that chair... Abby thinks we should count the first one.. You mean.looking so peaceful.. Never mind about that. you poor. we all took him down to Panama.we would.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then...that if we could help other lonely.. Teddy came up from digging in Panama.... dear.. old gentleman. let's see. .. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. Where were we? Twelve.. when his heart attack came.. He was a Baptist. Midgely. Why. Just sit down...and he thought Mr... All his kith and kin were dead.. . . who was the first one? Mr.

. so. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it. There.... -Mortimer.because we know exactly what's to be done. Well.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. dear. And then...... . No. . . one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .. As a matter of fact. dear.. darling. . What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves.... You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial... Should have quite a kick.. just a pinch of cyanide.. Of course not! Well.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. Wait a minute! Come here..... for a gallon of elderberry wine.

. Let me see. What am I doing with tickets? Information.. darling. We must get that cake frosted. Teddy! Of course. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Winchell? No. Don't worry about the cake. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night.. Winchell's no good.. La Guardia.He did? Well. I couldn't eat a thing. a sip of. Who can I call up? Dewey. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. He's wonderful. digging locks. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Happy as a lark. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. That'd be nice.. Singing away.. Let me see. Everybody knows he's crazy. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.

I'll call you up tomorrow. I heard you whistle. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. -How do I look? -You look fine. Yeah. What's wrong? Look at your hair. Brooklyn. -Run on home. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. What'd you do. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. . Something's happened. please. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey.on North Shore Road. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. dark streak of light. yes. you! Thought you were tall.

If I could only tell you. It's about Teddy. I'll tell you why I called you. -Go to bed.. . We've got to do something immediately. he's-It's his bugle blowing. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. Judge. It won't wait until tomorrow. we were married today. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.. A thing happened. You smell so nice. Elaine.. darling. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. You better go home! -But. very important. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Judge. about Teddy. The police want to throw him into a state institution. Judge. It's very. I've got to come over and see you right away. But it's a matter of life and. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry.

dear. New York. -Well. Now. we're just setting the table for dinner. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. please. And this is my sister. -My name's Gibbs. How do you do? Come in. do sit down. It's a wonderful place.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. I'm sorry. I understand you've got a room to rent. Don't like it. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. -All alone in the world? . Do step in. Doorbell's ringing. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Happy Dale. this would be a nice comfortable chair. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Another Miss Brewster. we can get him to Happy Dale. Operator? Give me long distance. I'm Miss Brewster.

I can see the headlines now. Well.-Well. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Well. you've come to just the right house. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. we make this ourselves. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. The room's upstairs. skoal. Happy Dale. Martha. but the cemetery's full of them. -Thank you." when you dig a lock. -Do sit down. It's elderberry wine. Please.. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. I don't think I'll like it. "A" Iike in "arsenic." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. -Dale. "D" Iike in "dig.. I'd like to see the room. .. Well. -No. That's right.

He wouldn't understand. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .. . operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. I'm not drunk.. Not that. Oh... What I mean is.. murdered. madam. People wouldn't understand. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you.but it's not only against the law. it's wrong.. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do.. I'm nervous. but you've given me an idea! Darling. Don't do that. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look.Hello.

Of course. operator. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Mr. Oh. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. now... I see. Well. we want to commit him there immediately. dear. thanks. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Well. That's too bad. . Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Oh. And if-Oh. Witherspoon.. Brewster. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Witherspoon. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Bonaparte. if your mind is made up. Mr. Mr. Yes. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr.-. please.and it would lead to trouble. How do you do.. Mr. . Thank you. Thank you. Well. Witherspoon. dear.That's amazing. if he thought that-Mr.What? All right. Witherspoon speaking. do you-I'm fine.

you'll do that little thing for me. I'll sing with you. darling.Another Roosevelt. dear. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. Anyway. -But. I can't talk to you. What on earth could happen to us? Well. Well.. don't you? Yes.. Oh. I want you to do one thing for me. I'm going to Judge Cullman's.. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. I can't concentrate. I mean. You know I'd do anything for you. we'd have to know what it was first. Mortimer. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is.. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner.. but I want you to promise me something. I love you both very much. dear. darling.. Now listen. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. like good girls. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. . Whosit where he is. Get off that thing.

I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. . cab! Here you are. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. The poor dears. Sure. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. I'm so happy for Elaine. You know. Oh. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. -Don't open it.I'll dance with you. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. You promise? Good. Shame! Such a nice hat. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Remember. that's right. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. What is it? Mr. I can go faster that way. anything. well. Why? He's just been married. What? Stop that. Yes.

. This is the home of my youth. A fatted calf?. -You look. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. Johnny. Drink. As if we were expected. -Do you recognize them? -No. It's two men. There's one up in my room. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. I'm so hungry. Johnny. Look. dear. we'll need another hymnal. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. Come in. they're strangers to me. As a boy. I'll go. -Let me look. Yes. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. The family must still live here. Johnny. doctor.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. it's a good hideout. and I've never seen them before. -Are you sure? -Yes.

you know. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Your nephew. And you.. . No. Jonathan.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. You just get out of here. Have you been in an accident? My face. Aunt Martha. his voice is like Jonathan's. It's Jonathan. Why. . you're not. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby.. He's a plastic surgeon. Dr..A good omen. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies.... But I've seen that face before..to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you... Einstein is responsible for that.. You're nothing like Jonathan. still the high collar. so don't pretend you are. Aunt Martha. .

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

I forgot to tell you.. We expect to be very busy. How do we get him in here? Yes.. Spenalzo in through the door. Four feet wide. we'll bring him in through the window. Come here.You remember that. . we can't just walk Mr. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.. Rather a good joke on my aunts. Spenalzo along.. -Down here. Spenalzo. And it just fits Mr. six feet long. See the hole he's digging. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.. as a boy. . do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. Quick. That's hospitality. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. I could be disagreeable.. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. I don't have to go into details.. Bed.

Teddy. No. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. there's been another yellow-fever victim. the poor dear. I don't want to leave it in the street. You'd better get to bed. He said the canal was just the right size. What are we going to do about Mr. And he's been so patient. The car is all right where it is until morning. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. General Goethals was very pleased. A state secret? Yes. Promise? You have the word of the President . we must keep it a secret. Hoskins? Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away.We're moving the car behind the house. a state secret. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. That might be against the law. I think Teddy had better take Mr.

let's see. You can go right up. It seems to be spreading. . -And we don't go to bed this early.. Both of you. But you must be very tired. You know.. he's really very nice looking. I've never even seen Mr...of the United States. considering that he's a Methodist. You just come right along and see him now.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. Now get along. . And we'll come down later and hold services... when everything's dark here.. you were out. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. . Your room is waiting for you.. You two run along to bed. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. We've never had yellow fever there before. Now. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. Cross my heart and hope to die. And then.when I turn out the lights. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. We're bringing the luggage through here.

you open the window. -I'll be right up. We must be quick. Aunt Abby. Now! Turn out the lights. Take the bags upstairs. Doctor. All right. we'll all go to bed.-It's time I came home to take care of you. You go outside and push. He's all right. Run along. Yeah. I'll come back later. When I tap on the glass. . Where am l? Here I am. And then together we take him down to Panama. and I'll stay here and pull. For the instruments. It's dark in here. Johnny. You go round and hand him through. But he's too heavy for me. Now. I'll take a look around outside the house. -All right. I'll open the window. Just off the laboratory. Aunt Abby. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Good night. Aunt Martha.

Allez. He's so heavy. -Be careful. I live next door. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Help me. Now I've got him! Johnny. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. Help me. You lost a leg somewhere. -But his shoe came off. Go open. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Hand him over. up! Now. Now I have him. wait a minute. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. I'll manage Spenalzo. Mortimer.Who left this open? Okay. wait a minute. it's Brewster. Now I have him. I mean. He's so heavy. Go. Now I got him. quick. I'm not very used to it. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Doctor! . somebody's at the door.

they talk about you. "That explains everything. Einstein? Dr. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. May I present Dr. We happen to live here. I'm in this house every day. It's okay.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. -You've heard of me? -Yes.It's all right... You don't live here. And something of a magician. Now that I know who you are. ." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.. -You're Jonathan. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. . that's all. I've never seen you before. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. That explains everything..

the cellar. -What else did you see? -Just that. It's going to be a private funeral. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Is that why you came over here? No. No visitors. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. I'll run--You've given two names.I suppose it was you. Go back to your room. that's all! I see. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. No! Don't be a tomboy. a sneak thief. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. But if he's not home. . Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Alice. Charge! Doctor. I came to see Mortimer.

What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr.. Do you hear me? Don't answer that.. . "I've come back home. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. Jonathan! -I've come back home. he--Wait a minute. darling." Listen. -What? I've come back home. Mortimer.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer. Einstein. I talk. it talks! Yes..-We'll call the police. .. -I'll handle this. Mortimer. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember... Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Mortimer. Go back to your room.. -Mortimer.

. We invited Jonathan and Dr. I'm staying here from now on. I remember. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Please. Now look.Yeah. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. -In fact. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Einstein to stay. be a good fellow.. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Here's $10.. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. We don't take up much room. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. I'm staying here tonight. . Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. just a moment. Nothing to. -What? -Just for tonight. Now. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. No.

How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. While we are packing. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. darling? -I almost got killed. I've completely lost track of Mr. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Elaine. beat it! It's all right.Mortimer. -Oh. I'll take care of you. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo. Johnny. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. . I'll tell you about him. that. Mr. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Mortimer. Wait! Who's this Mr. in just a little while. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Now. Spenalzo. Doctor. Don't bring anyone else in here.

-What? Go on home like a good girl. I'm afraid of him. we were going over Niagara Falls.. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. a taxi's waiting. . don't worry about it. We were married today. please. Witherspoon. Darling. Well. I'm here now. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. I can't hear the man.-It was worse than that..your brother tries to strangle me. I got things to do. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. Brewster. -But--Please. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. Forget it... He's some kind of a maniac. . Yes. Mr.. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. I don't understand you.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat.. -You'd better run along home. Well. .. look..

Doctor.. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.I've got the papers all drawn up. come right away. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon.. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. Thank you.. I know it's late.. I'll get both signatures.. Teddy. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. Let me think about this thing..put them in a barrel. of course? By the doctor? Oh. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please.. windowseat. . signature. darling. . Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. well. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. wedding ring. taxi. Yeah. By the way. darling.

he's mistaken. It is not Mr. where is Mr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. You admitted you put Mr. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins in the windowseat. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. dear. Yes.No. Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins! -By the way. I did. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. you come in here now! Yes. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. .

handsome. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger.He's down there waiting for the services. poor dear. Are you getting out. dear. Listen. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. what with Jonathan in the house. No. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. We haven't had a minute. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. I'm in no mood to debate the question. I've decided that we're staying.. And I've also decided that you're leaving. you come straight along here.. and I mean now. . Don't. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life.. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. Mortimer. I did. Martha. Oh.

Don't reach for the telephone.. I'll have to call the police. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. You can't ask for more than that. Remember.Aunt Abby. -Yes. -And this is another nephew. Jonathan. -Pleased to meet you. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Come right in. -No! Come in. too. I owe you an apology. Well? All right. you're a Brewster. in that case. . darling. Jonathan is leaving. Listen. You're my brother. I've got some very good news for you. This is our nephew. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Spenalzo can happen to you. Put down that telephone. -Glad to see you.. Mortimer. what happened to Mr. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. And he's taking Dr. Officer. -Pleased to make your acquaintance.. do come in.

. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. -I'll be running along. You are? Well. You can tell me all about it. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. If you don't leave here. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. I got to ring in. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. I'm working on a play now. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. Officer O'Hara. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Spenalzo. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. This is your last chance. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. All three of you: you. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. well. Einstein and Spenalzo. Mr. Dr. I can spell like the dickens.Your face is familiar. but I can't spell them.

We're sleeping right here in this house. let's go. We've got a wonderful setup here. Johnny. We're not going. Now get going! All three of you. take it easy. Look. But we've got trouble enough as it is. O'Hara. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Only Mortimer stands in our way. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. no. After that. Then if he tries to interfere-No. please. Please! Doctor. Right with you. No. Johnny. we're coming back here. Two old ladies as a front. Just give me one moment. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Okay. you lose your head. Please. We can make a fortune. I never did like Mortimer. Come.

you asked for it. rehash it. -Excuse me. -Swell. we got an ace in the hole. We're not going. -I don't know.. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -I like the first act. All right.. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -You're not going? -No. Move fast. If you tell O'Hara . She was my mother. -Peaches La Tour was her name. Mortimer. Well. -My mother was an actress. I'll be back in a minute. Well. I worked on it for 12 years. Yes.in the cellar.. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. You stay out of this. It's no fly-by-night idea. -Legitimate? Of course. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming.

l'll tell him what's in the cellar... You'd better ring in. Bohemian atmosphere. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.what's in the windowseat.. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. Lowbrows. I assure you. This opening will kill you. I'll meet you there later. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.. Genius at work. . -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.

will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. We thought we heard you leave.. That was just Mortimer. Martha. I expect to find you gone. Where do you.. You're smug. aren't you? You think you've got it over me.. Perish the thought. You've got to take him with you! . you ring in and I'll see you later... And speaking of services. The moment the doctor signs. You won't stand me up. Where are those papers? There they are. . And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo.Look.... dear aunties. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. Jonathan. will you? This is a great play. doctor. I think we can start the services now. Did he look guilty! Well.. Well.. Yes. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. -Can't wait! Doctor. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. -I'll see you down there. When I come back. You haven't.

Spenalzo. -Your gentlemen? Yes. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Why. -But Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Mr. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. there's no room for Mr. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Hoskins--Mr. You mean. what we've been doing is a mercy. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. . It's one of our charities.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Doctor. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Twelve graves. He must mean Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Hoskins. Besides. They're both dead. The cellar's crowded already. Hoskins is no stranger. -He's one of our gentlemen. Mr.

. What? You got 12.. -Filling. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. one in Sydney. . Then the first one in London. one in Melbourne. Spenalzo. Johnny. Two in Johannesburg. You've done all that. You got 12. . .. That makes 13...So you just take your Mr... 12. -Thirteen... and they do just as good as you do... they got 12. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. I've got 13. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. they got 12. Spenalzo out of here. Arizona. Don't brag. one in Phoenix...two in San Francisco. You cannot count him..and they stay right here in Brooklyn...right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. There's Mr. You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia. Phoenix? -The filling station. -No.

. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. -Who? What? Did I say. This is most irregular.l'm sure you'd be convinced. Gilchrist.... Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. I know Teddy blows bugles. All I need is one more. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. -You wait here. If you'd talk with him. Dr.. Make yourself comfortable.. Just one more. but only you can help me. They are. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. -You better wait. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. are they? Well. but I can't commit a man just on that.. Pull up a tombstone. That's all. that's easily taken care of. seeing a doctor. I'll be right back.The old ladies is just as good as you are. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. . The pixies won't be out till after midnight. .

Well now. is it not? Yes. President. -Do you? -Yes. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. the meter! "Looks good on me. indeed. It wouldn't fit me. may I present--Dr. with a Maxim silencer.50! -What? $22. so good. So far. . looks good on you! Not the suit.50.-Hey. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. thanks. No. $22. Certainly. -Mr. Welcome to Washington. darling. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Not so good. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year." $22. that's that. Five more bucks and you'll own it.50! Oh. of course I love you. yes. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. It gives me a chance to rest.

. Darling. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. I love you so much. -What are you talking about? -Well. Just because Teddy's strange. I can't go through with our marriage. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. -That's what you think. -Of course. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. darling. but you see. ..well.. I don't quite know.. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. Doctor. that doesn't mean-No. I probably should have told you this before. that's ancient history. but it's only a matter of time. Darling. It's way back before Teddy. if the country insists. insanity runs in my family... but I won't be elected. It practically gallops. .Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling.. I'll run for a third term.

-Go away. I'm crazy too. -Those papers. you better stop it.. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. No. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. go to bed! . drop in to see me at the White House. all this doesn't prove a thing. That's the way I love you. Thank you. Look at your aunts. So you're crazy. Goodbye. no. Ambassador. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Just go on signing the papers. It'll just have to be undone. Well. There's no use doing what you're doing.Darling. Aunt Abby. What of it? So your family's crazy. I. even they have their peculiarities. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place.. but kiss me. sanest people I've ever known.. They're Brewsters. Anytime you're in Washington.

If Jonathan and Mr. Doctor.. Martha and I are going for the police. Bed feels good already. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver.. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Hoskins and Mr. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Nice and smooth like a lake. . Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. You know. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. .. Spenalzo in together.we're going for the police. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. let him. -Oh. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. This is all fixed up nice now. All right.. You're forgetting. I'll get them out.

But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. Not the Melbourne method. I just heard him upstairs. I think this calls for something special. Johnny. go to bed. You forget. I think. what? . Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done. no police! No police! Look. Okay. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Or the next day. Doctor. My brother. But Johnny. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. You are going to operate tomorrow. perhaps. Look at me. Mortimer. Doctor.-Remember. the Melbourne method. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. We'll do it tomorrow. huh? The quick twist like in London. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. No! I am tired. No. Okay. I know that look. can't you? Yeah. But the quick way. we'll do it. not tonight! I'm sleepy.

A secret proclamation? How unusual. Mr. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. I can't hear you. President. please? -What? Speak up. . Mr. Mr. Get out! -Stop underplaying. will you. Oh. Mr. I can't hear you. Mr. I see! Very clever. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. President. Get out. Johnny's in a bad mood. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Boy. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. What is it. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. mice? -You get out of this house. So I have. You already have them on. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -Of course. Yes. Brewster. Hey. Wait here. Don't do that. -I'll put on my signing clothes. This must be secret.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. What a load off my mind. President. President. -Please listen to me.

but you go now. when Johnny's in that mood. I'll take care of him. You've just been married. . -My schnapps. Don't those plays you see all the time . You beat it before things start popping around here..Stop all this! What are you doing? Look.. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Please listen to me.he's a madman. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Doc-. Get going. look. -What's that? Wait. Horrible things.. Brewster. Please go now. -I could use that. little fellow. But. Stop it. You take care of yourself. Doctor! You get out of here! Look.Are you really a doctor? Yes. 1919. Heidelberg. please. Please. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan.. -That's mine. Only for dramatic critics. Mr. Please. He's a maniac! And then things happen.

There's a play that's so bad. it'll still be running when you get out. He's even been warned to get out. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard.. he doesn't.. Now listen to this. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. And does he go? No. The murderer even invites him to sit down. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord.. . He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. Isn't that great? So there he is. When you get out of prison. At least people in plays act like they got sense. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. There's a man. Witherspoon.

. That's right.. Now. In Melbourne one night. .. Johnny..we go to work. were you out of my mind. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. This fellow's supposed to be bright. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. I've been away for 20 years. for me. you may consider that a blessing. He wasn't very bright. Mortimer. Look at the attitude. I dreamt of you. Yes. Doctor... Later on. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Now get a load of this. . brother Heidelberg.. Please. But never.a fellow never sees or hears anything. my dear brother. but does he? No! See. .Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. the quick way. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. in a play or even in a movie.. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. All he has to do is look around.

Here. Please! All right. We drink to you. We both have a drink before we operate. there was some wine. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Let's get it over with. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. One moment. -Please. dead brother. Mortimer. After all. That's all. please. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. You remember when we came in. To my dear. But I cannot see this without the drink. Pull yourself together. Where did they put it? I found some wine. Where are your manners? Yes.-This must be an artistic achievement. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . we're performing before a very distinguished critic. I'll split it with you. That idiot! -He goes next. And then they took it.

yes! If it has to be. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. sure. then the quick way. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. We're taking the bugle away from him.-We'll get to him later. out of a clear sky.. I see. Yeah. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. I'll help you.. The quick way. It's all right.. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. . . just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. -What happened to him? -Nothing. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. The quick way.. I'd better talk to him myself. They practically stole that from my play. Like a flash. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. In the second act.

All of a sudden.. please. You ain't heard nothing yet.. The scene changes.He says. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. in the meantime. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. casual-like. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. . see? Little do I know it.. It's an evolving stage. I'm walking along my beat. I'm in great danger. -It's probably over his head. My mother doesn't say they're married.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. -What? -I personally like it very much. "Miss Peaches La Tour. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. Growing into a magnificent specimen. . What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. will you marry me?" That's the first scene.. It's getting you. Well... a fire breaks out. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. there's me.

.when a guy that I'm following. -There's a vacant house on the corner.. Did they send you here? No. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. so I pulls out my gun. Brophy. -The colonel blew that bugle again. So he came back. Get me Mac.. Right in the middle of the second act. Now. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. . -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. The neighbors are phoning in... boys. who the heck is this? Mr. . The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -He's going to help me write my play. My play put him to sleep.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. I figures I'll outsmart him. -I heard him. Brewster's brother. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.. we came to warn the old ladies. this is Mortimer Brewster. He says we've got to put him away someplace. -Johnny. That's the one that ran away. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in..

Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. We found him. Your aunts are friends of ours. -Wait a minute. charming old ladies. 13. Thirteen bodies. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Mr. So I've been turned in? All right. The Lieutenant is on his way over. we'll hold him right here. Leave him to me. -Come down to the cellar. You think my aunts are sweet. Brewster. I better let them know that I found you. -I'll show them to you. don't you? Well. It wasn't that bad. Brewster. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. you've got me. . Be careful what you say. Shall we bring him in? All right. Yes. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. Mr. At the Brewster house.

That's enough. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Amazing. Well. Pat. please. -Yes.I'll show you where they're buried. -Go on down the cellar with him. You could use this in the third act. He looks like Boris Karloff. come to the cellar. Everybody off. I got him. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. I got something better. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. look out! Amazing. Look out! Fight. look. Pat. . Don't bother me now. -Go to the cellar with him. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Don't! Sarge! Look out. that's enough. too. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Go on and fight. Such a fine day.

Pat. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. I've tried it before-It did. please. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Get him.The papers are all signed. Don't do that. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. That's fine. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. That won't have any effect. brother. . What do I care? Go ahead. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. dear. Turn him over. Wish I could relax like that... Telephone. Boris. Thank you very much. fight. Isn't that amazing? Oh. -Witherspoon. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. -Come in..

That's my brother.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. You're going to have a long time on that play... You're suspended. Now go on. Report in. . Certainly..You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. He's wanted... The guy who helped him escape..you can at least read short detective stories. . pal. He says 13 bodies are there. too.." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. About my not ringing in. .and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. He's a lifer. "He looked like Karloff. he's wanted. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. That's the way they described him.

Howdy. keep out of that. you've blown your last bugle. But I'm not myself today. Take him out and bring him to. No. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. -Hey. We caught him at the White House. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Nothing to eat. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. . Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. Colonel. No sleep. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. This is a spy. With flatheads like you on the force. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel.Here. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Colonel. you. I want to question him. -Questioning of spies is my department.

Read this.You're his brother. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. started a murder rumor. Witherspoon. I'm liable to think anything. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. He's got to be put away. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. I know just how you feel. I have come to get a Brewster. no argument. No arguments. Look. Just a minute. -I'm waiting for Mr. take it easy. There's people dumb enough to believe that. -As long as he's going someplace. Any offers? I'm Mr. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Last year there was a crazy guy. Captain. No arguments. .

This is fun. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. Never mind! Give me that pen.Mr. Let me explain. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -Hold him till I get there. That's all right! Do that again for me. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Brewster? Mr. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Now. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. all I got to get is Witherspoon. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -That's fine. He's ready to talk. Witherspoon is here. . it's chicanery. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. I'm so glad to see you." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.

. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. this is Mr. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. you know-Captain. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. You do? It must be a nice place. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. secretly. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. -That's good. Something I've been working on. I want you to be just as harsh as you like.. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. I have one waiting now. I shan't mind. Taxicabs.. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. Witherspoon. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I sometimes envy some of our patients. We always. You know. You never can tell. I've never been there. it's a play. never.. Why? To take him away? Never. -The woods are full of them.And no wagon when he leaves. It means a great deal to me.

Isn't it wonderful? Charge! .. Mr. This is Captain Rooney. Aunt Martha. It's Mr. Happy man. Witherspoon.. Goodbye. I have good news for you. your guide to Africa. Mr. Now you can take him away.. I'll bring down my equipment. -What is this? No. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Your term of office is over. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. you got it wrong. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. my boy. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills.-Come. Let's see. all signed. Aunt Abby. President? Taft! No. I must get started immediately. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. President. I'm on my way to Africa. -Is this March 4? -Practically. this isn't Mr. Taft.

haven't you? No. Dissension. jealousy. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. but impossible. How can you allow this? You promised. You could arrange that. indeed? It's sweet of them. -If he's going. You've come to meet Teddy. let's be sensible. I've got it. we're going. Now. . Oh. you'll have to take us with him. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. he's come to take him. No. -I'm sorry. -We won't be separated from Teddy. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Too dangerous. We promise to take his bugle away from him. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. ladies. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Why not? Why not. dear. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn.It's all right. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. too! -Yes. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up.

-I'll tell you what we'll do.. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. The graves are all marked. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. Mortimer. you wouldn't have to dig. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. .It ain't only his bugle blowing.. Things are going to get worse. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar.. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. He's been a little strange all day. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar.and we'll get them all together. . What? Yes. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. -How about it? -I'll be right there. No. You just ask our nephew. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. -I'll look in that cellar.

Humor them. None of mine are gentlemen.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. a Mr.. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. If we can go with Teddy. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. I put neon lights on mine.. -Certainly.. There's one down there. Hasn't got it yet. -You mustn't mind him at all. Spenalzo. Teddy committed himself. we'll sign the papers. Where are they? . -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. "There is a Happy Dale far..who doesn't belong here and has to leave. It's amazing. -Flowers? Sure. humor them. Smile. . -He got married today. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. far away "There is a Happy" He got it.

Dr. I'm so sorry. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Dr.I have them. please. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. I'm going out to talk to that spy. It's on the right-hand side there. Doctor? -Yes. right here. Oh. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. if you'll sign right here. Doctor. Doctor. We've overlooked something. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Dr. -Come here. will you? I want this all cleaned up. dear. Maybe I can understand him. Yes. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Sign them up. here. A doctor. please. please. -A doctor? -Yes. . Just sign right here. ladies. -Were you leaving. Einstein. -Here? -Yes. Come along. I'm really looking forward to going. Now. -Good night. please. Ladies. The neighborhood here has changed so.

That's great! Thanks. His accomplice's description is on the circular. You sign as next of kin. Don't mind me. Mac. The doctor has completed the signatures. But Dr. It's all right. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. -Don't play games--You sign. on the desk. You've done Brooklyn a great service. . Mr. One hundred and forty pounds. I'm Brewster.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Mac. Hello. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Doc. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Five-foot-three. It's your turn. Einstein! -Now. yes. Read it to me. Witherport. Okay. Poses as a doctor. Mr. will you? About 40. Talks with a German accent. It's contagious. Thanks. Pop eyes.

You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. darling. We don't want anything to go wrong. dear. He's President. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. you know? And bring along my bugle. you signed as next of kin. Now. Duffel? Pack his duffel. President. And you were born . darling. -Mine? You see. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. darling? -Martha. -What. We're very happy about the whole thing. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. -It's yours. -What's wrong about that. Come up and pack my duffel. you tell him. of course. -Me too. don't be worried. Einstein--But it's not his signature. -Well.-Spoon. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. but that's just it. -Here. dear. Well. Mortimer.

It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. too.about three months afterwards.. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. Your real father was a cook. Quiet! -But. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. -Goodbye. I really did see-- . . So brother married her. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.we didn't want to lose her. They're off to a flying start. It's true...

and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. dear. its operators. love. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Mortimer. Call me a cab. We're going to Niagara Falls. Yes.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mr. I'm a son of a sea cook. But.

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