Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

That's their way of digging up people to do good to.. Sister Martha and I are so happy. .but no man with this published attitude.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks....should take any man's daughter anyplace. and now...... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. ..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater." either.. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.. Bless you. watch your language. He used to come to see us only occasionally.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. at any time. You'd be surprised . Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't..Their old man left them fixed for life. I must be catching cold. No. Remember now.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. .... . He's so very much in love with her.. Don't you call them "the girls. You know I'm not a swearing man.. Reverend Harper. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. Brophy.. . dear.

what they'd consider swearing. absolutely nothing to report. what news have you brought me? Colonel. This is Officer O'Hara. You get tired of playing cards. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. sir? It's nice to meet you. Harper from the church next door? Hello. He's taking over my beat. I'll go. They're all packed. we have nothing to report. The toys are on the chair up here. we came for the toys. Teddy. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. the new man on the beat. Splendid! Thank you. no. Mr. -How do you do. That's splendid work you men do. Gentlemen. At ease. No. Will you excuse me? No. Brophy? . run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. You know the Reverend Dr. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Teddy. by the library door. Brophy. Thank you. gentlemen. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. dear. This is Officer O'Hara. -Come right in. -Miss Abby. How do you do.

that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . Isn't it a shame. Isn't it a shame. Please don't bother... I'll make a note. Now don't do that again. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. . thank you. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.and the neighbors raised Cain... still. But a little weak. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. That's right. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.. Teddy..it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Gentlemen. Sarge. You've done so much already.. I promised I wouldn't swear. They're afraid of him. Father. Reverend. Look. . Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. He's an interesting character...She's better.. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was..

It'll make a lot of kids happy. Miss Brewster. Colonel.Well. Teddy. this is grand. Colonel. -Reverend. So long. put it back. Martha. Brophy. -Don't mention it. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. He's taking over my duties. Hey. -Thank you.. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. now.. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. -Now. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. No. Dismissed! . The Army and Navy are ready for action. Officer O'Hara. -Not at all.. You bet I will. Here's the broth for Mrs. and thank you very much. Sarge. -These are lovely. it goes to Australia. dear. how do you do? Miss Martha. Thank you. Yes. you're back. Be sure it's good and hot. -The children will go crazy.

and what's more important.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. .. That is quite a problem. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. . Well.. -Well. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. -Don't mention it.. you're happy.-Goodbye and thank you. let that be a lesson to you. and we suggested it. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy.. Goodbye.. if he's happy. Martha? Once.. Young man. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. I must be going. a long time ago.. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.it might be a change for him. -Good night. Do you remember.. indeed. Yes. -Careful of the step with the toys. we thought if he'd be George Washington.

.. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. There wasn't time. -No. why? Good news for you. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. So. dear. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. You know... I didn't know when you'd be back. and Reverend Harper was coming. -I'll run right downstairs and see. too. -I got along fine. sweet Reverend Harper.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. And I was all alone. Did you just have tea? Yes. Martha. I just couldn't wait for you. -But all by yourself. Dear. And dinner's going to be late. dear. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. I'm sure we needn't worry about him.

Hold on to that. right out here with everyone looking.. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. darlings. -Take her hat. keep them. I don't like that look in your eyes. There they are. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Here's your hat. Please! For heaven's sake! But.. But. -But. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Mortimer. Mortimer. buddy. And her brooch. Just throw it. If you find her hairpins. you're going to love me .Well? Just look in the windowseat. Wait a minute. -You ain't seen anything yet.. -But that was only Sunday. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. -You've got to drive us to the station. -It's Elaine! -Hello.

and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel..for my mind. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. I can handle Father. There... There's that look again! "There's that look again.. too? One thing at a time. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. don't tell your father. You'll see it often. I started packing the day after I met you. We've a room on the train. you see! You see? That's what I mean. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. That's what I hate about women... hurry and pack. Go on. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I don't have to. . . No. It goes just before this. the bridal suite in the hotel.. He's a dear. Yes. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. Look. You should've seen my secretary's face. darling. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. Mortimer! " You better get used to it.

If you see a tall. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Hold on to your bustles. Hurry. open the front door fast. What? Now? No. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Grand Central Station. you two old frauds. And throw in a flock .I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. -Father may want to pray over me. dark streak of light. -It'll be a few minutes. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. When you whistle. We're married. here. Did you send those roses to Mrs. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. it's me. Oh. Elaine and I are married. Brewster? Good. darling. -Whistle when you're ready. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. hurry. Isn't it too.

I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. Did everybody know I was getting married. I'm going to burn all my books. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. You know how your books upset him. It's all ready. We're going to Niagara Falls. Well. we can have our celebration. of course. But before you go. Oh. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. I'll run along and get everything ready.of orange blossoms. too. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. -And. -You won't have time to bake a cake. dear. a wedding cake. A taxi's waiting. . Of course. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. I'll let the Reverend light the first match.

Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. dear! . "Oh. President? -Bully. Oh. Just bully. I know. I saw a play. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. reminded me of Jonathan. goodbye. thank you. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Isn't it wonderful? Well.Now you behave. Mr. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Yes. you know. Mr. had a character in it. My. Hello. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. dear. A new lock for the canal. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. I'm off to Panama. Mortimer! -How are you. Really? A honey of a lunatic. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Goodbye. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. President. what a face! I remember now. He'd scare grownups with it.

We know. The next thing-Hey. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -You know? -Of course. That's after we're gone. the first thing you see is a dead body. dear. Yes. you can't get his mind on anything else. dear. Well. Now. darlings. . Teddy's killed a man. look. When the curtain goes up. but I've got an awful shock for you. When Teddy's working on the canal. what a play. listen. mister. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. darling! Never mind that now. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Get him up here now. Yes. darlings. -There's no such hurry as that. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. I'm frightfully sorry. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. At once! -He's in the cellar.Yeah.

You mean you..Now.. No. Now look. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. dear. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. men just don't get into windowseats and die. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. What the.. it has a distinct odor. When it's in tea. Hoskins. how did he die? Mortimer. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Mortimer. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. He died first. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. That's really all I know about him. Aunt Martha. You put it in the wine? . don't be so inquisitive. Adam Hoskins. Wait! Stop all this. You just forget about it.. except that he's a Methodist... Who is he? He's a Mr.

Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Now. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? .. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Abby. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Schultz. Look at me. We must do that. you know all about it and just forget about it. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. but this time we'll go where we want to go. Mortimer. The dears.. . I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.. And I put Mr. darling.because Reverend Harper was coming.Yes. tomorrow or next day. Hoskins in the windowseat. That wouldn't have been very nice. It's first-degree. She's much better. not at tea. Yes.

Mortimer. We don't intend to. dear. Whatever his name is. . Aunt Martha. Hoskins. it is. -We'll let you lick the bowl. I know what his name is.. Look. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. dear. Teddy's down in the cellar now. Mr. digging the lock. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. -Stop worrying about it. You're going to bury Mr. They have so much fun.. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. you behave. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. dear.. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. don't be so impatient. I want to know what we're going to do. Mortimer. Now. dear. You can't. We told you to forget the whole thing.Yes. here. That's what we did with the others. -But Mr. you can't leave him in there. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. -We can't turn you over to the police.

Abby? No.. Abby. and that makes it 12. Hello. But. This one is only 1 1 .it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. dear. she's probably right. Hoskins first came in. Let me see now. I think you're wrong. isn't it. This makes 12.. I was counting the first one. This is 1 1. When you say "others." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. dear. . I didn't mean-- . because I remember when Mr. I get them mixed up sometimes. Makes it 12. No. Abby. It does? Well. dear. Abby. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Abby usually is. For heaven's sake. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. keep your shirt on! Elaine. dear. dear. I really don't think you should count the first one...

.. who was the first one? Mr.to find that same peace. . So. And that meant he had to be buried immediately..... He was such a lonely.... when his heart attack came.. . old men.. You mean. Why... Just sit down. you poor.and he thought Mr. . He was a Baptist... We felt so sorry for him.that if we could help other lonely. Abby thinks we should count the first one. Where were we? Twelve. dear... Tell me. Never mind about that. All his kith and kin were dead.... let's see. then and there. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. old gentleman. . . ...and he sat there dead in that chair. . Martha? We made up our minds. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. you see...we would. Remember.. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. we all took him down to Panama.Now. And then. Twelve! Yes...looking so peaceful... Midgely.

just a pinch of cyanide. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it..because we know exactly what's to be done. Wait a minute! Come here.. dear. Well.. .. for a gallon of elderberry wine... Of course not! Well..in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. There.. And then... darling.... so. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. . one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead..then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine... You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. . No. As a matter of fact.. Should have quite a kick..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.. dear. -Mortimer. ..

Don't worry about the cake. He's wonderful.. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. La Guardia. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite... a sip of. Let me see. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim.He did? Well. Let me see.. We must get that cake frosted. Who can I call up? Dewey.. Happy as a lark. That'd be nice. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Winchell? No. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Everybody knows he's crazy. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. darling. Winchell's no good. digging locks.. I couldn't eat a thing. Teddy! Of course. Singing away.

. Something's happened. I heard you whistle. yes. Yeah. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. Brooklyn. -How do I look? -You look fine. dark streak of light. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. -Run on home. I'll call you up tomorrow. What's wrong? Look at your hair. please. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. What'd you do.on North Shore Road. you! Thought you were tall. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear.

If I could only tell you. Judge.. Judge.. I've got to come over and see you right away. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. A thing happened. We've got to do something immediately. very important. It's about Teddy. about Teddy. . we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. he's-It's his bugle blowing. -Go to bed.. The police want to throw him into a state institution. You better go home! -But. we were married today. Judge. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. But it's a matter of life and. Elaine. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. It's very. You smell so nice. darling. It won't wait until tomorrow. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. I'll tell you why I called you.

Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Now. do sit down.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. dear. And this is my sister. -My name's Gibbs. please. How do you do? Come in. this would be a nice comfortable chair. we're just setting the table for dinner. Do step in. I'm sorry. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Another Miss Brewster. we can get him to Happy Dale. It's a wonderful place. -Well. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Happy Dale. I understand you've got a room to rent. -All alone in the world? . -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. I'm Miss Brewster. Operator? Give me long distance. Don't like it. Doorbell's ringing. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. New York.

skoal. I don't think I'll like it. Please." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. -Thank you. "A" Iike in "arsenic. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes.. -Dale. Well.. -Do sit down. but the cemetery's full of them. "D" Iike in "dig. I'd like to see the room. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. we make this ourselves. Well. you've come to just the right house.-Well. -No. Well." when you dig a lock. I can see the headlines now. That's right. It's elderberry wine. Martha.. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. The room's upstairs. Happy Dale. .

murdered. Don't do that.Hello. but you've given me an idea! Darling. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. Oh.. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . What I mean is. He wouldn't understand. I'm not drunk. it's wrong. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.. . they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No.. madam.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. People wouldn't understand..but it's not only against the law. I'm nervous. Not that.

if your mind is made up. I see. Bonaparte.. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. operator. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Well. Oh. Witherspoon. Well. How do you do. Thank you. Of course. . How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Thank you.What? All right. That's too bad.. Brewster? How are you? Mr.-. Witherspoon. Well. Mr... Mr. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. now.and it would lead to trouble. Witherspoon. thanks. please. dear. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Brewster. And if-Oh. dear. if he thought that-Mr.That's amazing. Witherspoon speaking. Mr. Yes. . Mr. do you-I'm fine. Oh. we want to commit him there immediately.

Get off that thing. dear. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. What on earth could happen to us? Well. Anyway. Whosit where he is. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I'll sing with you. darling. we'd have to know what it was first. Now listen.. -But..Another Roosevelt.. dear. like good girls. you'll do that little thing for me. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. don't you? Yes... I can't talk to you. I love you both very much. I can't concentrate. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. You know I'd do anything for you. . Mortimer. Oh. I mean. darling.. I want you to do one thing for me. Well. but I want you to promise me something.

What is it? Mr. cab! Here you are. . Oh. I'm so happy for Elaine. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. that's right. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Why? He's just been married. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Remember. anything. What? Stop that. Sure. The poor dears.I'll dance with you. Yes. well. You know. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. You promise? Good. Shame! Such a nice hat. I can go faster that way. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. -Don't open it.

we'll need another hymnal. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. it's a good hideout. Johnny.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. doctor. Yes. Come in. -Let me look. As if we were expected. There's one up in my room. The family must still live here. -Are you sure? -Yes. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. I'm so hungry. Drink. dear. . We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. I'll go. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. This is the home of my youth. Johnny. A fatted calf?. Look. It's two men. As a boy. -Do you recognize them? -No. they're strangers to me. Johnny. -You look. and I've never seen them before. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal.

.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. But I've seen that face before.. . He's a plastic surgeon. Why.A good omen. No. his voice is like Jonathan's. you're not. It's Jonathan. you know.... Have you been in an accident? My face. Aunt Martha.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Your nephew... You're nothing like Jonathan.. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. . still the high collar. And you. . Einstein is responsible for that.. Jonathan. so don't pretend you are. Dr.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. You just get out of here. Aunt Martha.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

We'll get the car and after they're in bed. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. . Spenalzo in through the door... See the hole he's digging. we can't just walk Mr. I don't have to go into details. .. Spenalzo. And it just fits Mr. Quick. as a boy. That's hospitality.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. How do we get him in here? Yes. Rather a good joke on my aunts. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. We expect to be very busy. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. we'll bring him in through the window. six feet long. Spenalzo along. I forgot to tell you. I could be disagreeable.... He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. Four feet wide. Come here. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.You remember that. -Down here. Bed..

No. General Goethals was very pleased. Hoskins downstairs right away. What are we going to do about Mr. I think Teddy had better take Mr. the poor dear. He said the canal was just the right size. a state secret. Hoskins? Mr. Teddy. A state secret? Yes. You'd better get to bed. That might be against the law. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. there's been another yellow-fever victim. Promise? You have the word of the President . And he's been so patient. I don't want to leave it in the street. we must keep it a secret. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.We're moving the car behind the house. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. The car is all right where it is until morning.

. . -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.. You can go right up. he's really very nice looking. You two run along to bed. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. Your room is waiting for you. It seems to be spreading... let's see.of the United States. Both of you. And we'll come down later and hold services. considering that he's a Methodist. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. And then.when I turn out the lights. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. You know.. Cross my heart and hope to die. Now get along. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. You just come right along and see him now. . . you were out. We've never had yellow fever there before. We're bringing the luggage through here. Now... But you must be very tired. when everything's dark here.. -And we don't go to bed this early. I've never even seen Mr.

We must be quick. Where am l? Here I am. Doctor. All right. I'll open the window. Johnny. Aunt Martha. Take the bags upstairs. -All right. I'll come back later. -I'll be right up. I'll take a look around outside the house. Now. we'll all go to bed. Now! Turn out the lights. and I'll stay here and pull. For the instruments. Good night. Aunt Abby. Just off the laboratory. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Aunt Abby.-It's time I came home to take care of you. you open the window. And then together we take him down to Panama. Yeah. But he's too heavy for me. It's dark in here. You go round and hand him through. Run along. . You go outside and push. When I tap on the glass. He's all right.

I'm a brand-new Brewster. I live next door. -Be careful. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. You lost a leg somewhere. Now I've got him! Johnny. up! Now. He's so heavy. I'm not very used to it. Go. I mean. Hand him over. wait a minute. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go open. He's so heavy. Help me. Now I have him. somebody's at the door. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. quick. Help me. Allez. -But his shoe came off. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Mortimer. Now I have him. wait a minute.Who left this open? Okay. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Now I got him. Doctor! . it's Brewster.

Now that I know who you are. May I present Dr." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.. they talk about you. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. We happen to live here. "That explains everything. . Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.It's all right. It's okay. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.. That explains everything. I've never seen you before. that's all. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. And something of a magician. You don't live here. Einstein? Dr. -You're Jonathan...l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. I'm in this house every day. -You've heard of me? -Yes. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. .

Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. a sneak thief. -What else did you see? -Just that. But if he's not home. Charge! Doctor. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. the cellar. . Is that why you came over here? No. Alice. Go back to your room. I came to see Mortimer.I suppose it was you. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. It's going to be a private funeral. I'll run--You've given two names. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. No visitors. that's all! I see. No! Don't be a tomboy.

Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Mortimer. . Jonathan! -I've come back home. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother... Go back to your room. -What? I've come back home. it talks! Yes. Mortimer. darling. I talk. -I'll handle this.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. "I've come back home. -Mortimer.-We'll call the police. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. Mortimer..." Listen. Einstein. he--Wait a minute.. Mortimer.. Mortimer.. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. .

just a moment.. -What? -Just for tonight. Now. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. -In fact. be a good fellow. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. I remember. Now look. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. Please. We don't take up much room. and I'll sleep on the windowseat.. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. We invited Jonathan and Dr. Here's $10. Nothing to.. . I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Einstein to stay. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. No.Yeah. I'm staying here tonight. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. I'm staying here from now on. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other.

Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Elaine. I'll take care of you. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. I'll tell you about him. darling? -I almost got killed. Spenalzo. Wait! Who's this Mr. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Now. -Oh.Mortimer. Doctor. beat it! It's all right. Spenalzo. Johnny. I've completely lost track of Mr. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. you know what I do to people who order me around. . What? What's going to happen to Mr. Don't bring anyone else in here. While we are packing. Mr. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. that. Mortimer. in just a little while.

-It was worse than that.. -You'd better run along home.your brother tries to strangle me.. We were married today. Well. I don't understand you. Well. Mr. I'm afraid of him. .. please. Forget it... Witherspoon. look. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr..and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Brewster. I can't hear the man. . a taxi's waiting. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. -What? Go on home like a good girl. we were going over Niagara Falls. I'm here now. Darling. .. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. He's some kind of a maniac. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. I got things to do. -But--Please.. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Yes. don't worry about it.

Let me think about this thing. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. of course? By the doctor? Oh. I know it's late. darling. taxi.. come right away. I'll get both signatures. Thank you. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. Yeah. ... wedding ring.. windowseat. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please.I've got the papers all drawn up. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Doctor. Teddy. well. signature. darling. By the way. . Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy..put them in a barrel.

what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. . -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr.No. Hoskins in the windowseat. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Hoskins! -By the way. he's mistaken. Yes. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. I did. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. It is not Mr. You admitted you put Mr. where is Mr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. dear. you come in here now! Yes.

Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. I've decided that we're staying.. dear. Mortimer. Don't. handsome. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. We haven't had a minute. what with Jonathan in the house. you come straight along here. And I've also decided that you're leaving. Are you getting out. Martha. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Listen.. . I did.He's down there waiting for the services. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. poor dear. No. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you.. Oh. and I mean now.

-And this is another nephew. what happened to Mr. I owe you an apology. Einstein and that cold companion with him. You're my brother. And he's taking Dr. -Glad to see you. -Pleased to make your acquaintance.. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Listen. This is our nephew. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. do come in. -No! Come in. Don't reach for the telephone. You can't ask for more than that. -Pleased to meet you. Officer. in that case. I've got some very good news for you. Jonathan is leaving.. Well? All right. too. Spenalzo can happen to you. Remember. Mortimer. Come right in. Jonathan.Aunt Abby. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. I'll have to call the police. -Yes. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you.. you're a Brewster. . Put down that telephone. darling.

Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. Spenalzo.Your face is familiar. If you don't leave here. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I got to ring in. but I can't spell them. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. I can spell like the dickens. I'm working on a play now. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. Officer O'Hara. Mr. This is your last chance. You can tell me all about it. . well. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Einstein and Spenalzo. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. You are? Well. -I'll be running along. Dr. All three of you: you. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas.

Johnny. After that. Please. please. Right with you. We've got a wonderful setup here. take it easy. Johnny. Then if he tries to interfere-No. We can make a fortune. Please! Doctor. Only Mortimer stands in our way. O'Hara. Okay. Come. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them .My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. We're not going. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. I never did like Mortimer. Now get going! All three of you. But we've got trouble enough as it is. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. We're sleeping right here in this house. you lose your head. no. Two old ladies as a front. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. let's go. we're coming back here. No. Look. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Just give me one moment.

. It's no fly-by-night idea. -I like the first act. You stay out of this. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. Move fast. I worked on it for 12 years. Yes. -Legitimate? Of course. Well. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. All right. -You're not going? -No. you asked for it. We're not going. -Peaches La Tour was her name. If you tell O'Hara . She was my mother. I'll be back in a minute. Mortimer. rehash it.. -I don't know.in the cellar. -My mother was an actress. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming.. Well. -Swell. we got an ace in the hole. -Excuse me. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn.

Bohemian atmosphere. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. I assure you. .l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Genius at work. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's..what's in the windowseat. Lowbrows. I'll meet you there later. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. You'd better ring in. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. This opening will kill you. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .

Jonathan. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's.. doctor... Martha. I expect to find you gone.Look... Perish the thought. You haven't.. Did he look guilty! Well.. You won't stand me up. And speaking of services. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. you ring in and I'll see you later. Well. Where do you. aren't you? You think you've got it over me.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. We thought we heard you leave. You've got to take him with you! . I don't care who knows about Hoskins.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. dear aunties. I think we can start the services now.. . Where are those papers? There they are. -I'll see you down there. Yes. -Can't wait! Doctor.. You're smug. The moment the doctor signs. will you? This is a great play. That was just Mortimer. When I come back.

Why. He must mean Mr. -But Mr. You mean. Twelve graves. what we've been doing is a mercy. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. -Your gentlemen? Yes. there's no room for Mr. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. . Doctor. Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Hoskins--Mr. Hoskins is no stranger. They're both dead. The cellar's crowded already. Hoskins. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Besides. It's one of our charities. Mr. Spenalzo. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. -He's one of our gentlemen.

Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. -Thirteen.. -Filling. one in Melbourne. ... Johnny. they got 12.. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. I've got 13. Don't brag.. You cannot count him. Phoenix? -The filling station...right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. . You cannot count the one in South Bend. Arizona.. ..and they stay right here in Brooklyn. You've done all that. they got 12. Spenalzo out of here. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend.. Two in Johannesburg.. He died of pneumonia. and they do just as good as you do. . -No.. 12. Then the first one in London. What? You got 12.two in San Francisco.So you just take your Mr. You got 12. That makes 13.. one in Sydney. one in Phoenix. There's Mr... Spenalzo.

-You better wait. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. They are. Pull up a tombstone. I know Teddy blows bugles. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. If you'd talk with him. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. -You wait here. are they? Well. Make yourself comfortable. but I can't commit a man just on that. All I need is one more. but only you can help me. Just one more. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween..l'm sure you'd be convinced.. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. that's easily taken care of.. . Dr. This is most irregular. I'll be right back. -Who? What? Did I say. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. And I've a pretty good idea who it is.. seeing a doctor.The old ladies is just as good as you are.... Gilchrist. . That's all.

the meter! "Looks good on me.-Hey. No. .50! -What? $22. -Mr.50! Oh. Welcome to Washington. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. $22. Well now." $22. of course I love you. Certainly. looks good on you! Not the suit. that's that. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. thanks. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. So far. -Do you? -Yes. may I present--Dr. so good. darling. yes. indeed. It wouldn't fit me. is it not? Yes. It gives me a chance to rest. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling.50. President. with a Maxim silencer. Not so good.

Darling. It's way back before Teddy. but it's only a matter of time. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. darling.. I probably should have told you this before.. . . I love you so much. -Of course.. -What are you talking about? -Well. but I won't be elected. I don't quite know.well. I'll run for a third term. insanity runs in my family.. Darling.. -That's what you think. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. It practically gallops. Doctor. if the country insists. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. I can't go through with our marriage. that's ancient history. that doesn't mean-No.. Just because Teddy's strange. but you see.

-Those papers. Anytime you're in Washington. aren't they? They're the sweetest. even they have their peculiarities. So you're crazy. They're Brewsters. I'm crazy too. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. -Go away. go to bed! . all this doesn't prove a thing. I. Aunt Abby.Darling. Well. Look at your aunts. What of it? So your family's crazy. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. drop in to see me at the White House. Thank you. no. That's the way I love you. Ambassador.. It'll just have to be undone. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. sanest people I've ever known. Goodbye. Just go on signing the papers. you better stop it. No... but kiss me. There's no use doing what you're doing.

The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. You're forgetting. .we're going for the police. Martha and I are going for the police. Hoskins and Mr. All right. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning.. . Doctor. Bed feels good already. -Oh. let him. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. I'll get them out. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police.. If Jonathan and Mr. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. This is all fixed up nice now.. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Spenalzo in together. Nice and smooth like a lake.. You know.

I think this calls for something special. Doctor. go to bed. can't you? Yeah. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. I think. We'll do it tomorrow. what? . no police! No police! Look. Johnny. You forget. Okay. No. Mortimer. My brother. No! I am tired. But Johnny. Or the next day. huh? The quick twist like in London. But the quick way. You can see that it's got to be done. Doctor. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Look at me. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. I know that look. I just heard him upstairs. the Melbourne method.-Remember. You are going to operate tomorrow. we'll do it. Okay. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Doctor. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. perhaps. Not the Melbourne method.

You already have them on. -I'll put on my signing clothes. What a load off my mind. I see! Very clever. . Johnny's in a bad mood. What is it. mice? -You get out of this house. President. Get out. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Don't do that. Oh. So I have. Wait here. President. This must be secret. President. President. Brewster. -Of course. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Yes. I can't hear you. Mr. Mr. A secret proclamation? How unusual. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Mr.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Boy. please? -What? Speak up. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. -Please listen to me. will you. I can't hear you. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Hey. Mr. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Mr. Get out! -Stop underplaying.

Please. -I could use that. Doc-. But.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Mr. Brewster. when Johnny's in that mood.Are you really a doctor? Yes. . You've just been married. Only for dramatic critics. but you go now. Please go now. Get going. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Heidelberg.he's a madman. Stop it. -What's that? Wait. Please listen to me. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Please. -That's mine. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Don't those plays you see all the time .. Horrible things... 1919. You beat it before things start popping around here. You take care of yourself. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan.. look. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. little fellow. please. I'll take care of him. -My schnapps.

teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. -What do you think he does? -I don't know.. The murderer even invites him to sit down. There's a man. There's a play that's so bad. it'll still be running when you get out. Witherspoon. He's even been warned to get out.. At least people in plays act like they got sense. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. Isn't that great? So there he is. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. he doesn't. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. And does he go? No. Now listen to this. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. When you get out of prison. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.. . have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater.

. .. my dear brother. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. This fellow's supposed to be bright. you may consider that a blessing. Now. Look at the attitude. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. were you out of my mind.a fellow never sees or hears anything.. In Melbourne one night. brother Heidelberg.. Mortimer. But never. All he has to do is look around. in a play or even in a movie.we go to work. Yes. Doctor.. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. Johnny. .. He wasn't very bright. The big dope! You were right about that fellow.. Later on. .. the quick way.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Now get a load of this. but does he? No! See. Please. I've been away for 20 years. for me. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. I dreamt of you. That's right.

dead brother. Pull yourself together. Mortimer. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Where did they put it? I found some wine. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. -Please. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. That's all. We both have a drink before we operate. please. One moment. After all. That idiot! -He goes next. Where are your manners? Yes. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. We drink to you. Here.-This must be an artistic achievement. Let's get it over with. And then they took it. there was some wine. I'll split it with you. But I cannot see this without the drink. You remember when we came in. Please! All right. To my dear.

The quick way. Like a flash. yes! If it has to be. out of a clear sky. Yeah. sure. then the quick way. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. . I see. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. I'll help you. . It's all right.-We'll get to him later.... In the second act. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. We're taking the bugle away from him. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. -What happened to him? -Nothing. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. I'd better talk to him myself. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. They practically stole that from my play.. The quick way.

What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. see? Little do I know it. My mother doesn't say they're married.. a fire breaks out. All of a sudden. I'm walking along my beat. -What? -I personally like it very much.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me.. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.. casual-like. It's getting you. -It's probably over his head. "Miss Peaches La Tour. I'm in great danger. You ain't heard nothing yet. .. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. It's an evolving stage. in the meantime. Growing into a magnificent specimen.. please. Well. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.He says. The scene changes. there's me. .

-He's going to help me write my play. Right in the middle of the second act. Now. So he came back. so I pulls out my gun. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. I figures I'll outsmart him. -I heard him. He says we've got to put him away someplace. -There's a vacant house on the corner. That's the one that ran away. The neighbors are phoning in. -Johnny. Get me Mac. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in.. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. Brewster's brother. ... this is Mortimer Brewster. Brophy. we came to warn the old ladies.. who the heck is this? Mr. boys. .when a guy that I'm following. My play put him to sleep. the cops! I sees the door handle turn.. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge.. Did they send you here? No.

don't you? Well. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. -Wait a minute. Thirteen bodies. Brewster. you've got me. So I've been turned in? All right. It wasn't that bad. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. Brewster. You think my aunts are sweet. -I'll show them to you. Be careful what you say. 13. charming old ladies. -Come down to the cellar. The Lieutenant is on his way over. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. Mr. Yes. We found him. Shall we bring him in? All right. At the Brewster house. we'll hold him right here. Your aunts are friends of ours.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. . reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Mr. I better let them know that I found you. Leave him to me.

He looks like Boris Karloff. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. that's enough. That's enough. Go on and fight. Amazing. I got him. Well. You could use this in the third act. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Pat. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Don't bother me now.I'll show you where they're buried. too. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. look. Pat. -Go on down the cellar with him. please. look out! Amazing. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Such a fine day. Everybody off. come to the cellar. Look out! Fight. -Go to the cellar with him. I got something better. . -Yes.

. I've tried it before-It did. Don't do that.The papers are all signed. Isn't that amazing? Oh. Turn him over. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. Thank you very much. Telephone. What do I care? Go ahead. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. -Witherspoon. brother. Wish I could relax like that. . Get him. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. please. dear... Boris. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. That won't have any effect. -Come in. fight. That's fine. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Pat. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara.

. The guy who helped him escape. too. Report in. . That's my brother. "He looked like Karloff. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.. You're suspended. pal.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. Now go on. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. That's the way they described him. He's a lifer.you can at least read short detective stories..... Certainly.. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. About my not ringing in..You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. He says 13 bodies are there. . he's wanted. You're going to have a long time on that play. He's wanted.

But I'm not myself today. you. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. -Questioning of spies is my department. I'm Mortimer Brewster. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. . Colonel. -Hey. Colonel. Howdy. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Take him out and bring him to. No sleep. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. keep out of that. This is a spy. you've blown your last bugle. I want to question him.Here. Nothing to eat. Colonel. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. We caught him at the White House. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. No. With flatheads like you on the force. Get this gu y out of here.

I know just how you feel. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. . I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. He's got to be put away. Captain. take it easy. Read this.You're his brother. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I have come to get a Brewster. no argument. Witherspoon. I'm liable to think anything. No arguments. Last year there was a crazy guy. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Just a minute. Look. No arguments. Any offers? I'm Mr. started a murder rumor. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. -I'm waiting for Mr. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. -As long as he's going someplace.

-What is this? Come on! -He's come to. He's ready to talk. Now." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Brewster? Mr. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. That's all right! Do that again for me. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. -Hold him till I get there. I'm so glad to see you. all I got to get is Witherspoon. . The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt.Mr. Let me explain. -That's fine. it's chicanery. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. Witherspoon is here. Never mind! Give me that pen. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. This is fun.

It means a great deal to me. -The woods are full of them.And no wagon when he leaves.. You do? It must be a nice place. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. . it's a play. Why? To take him away? Never. Something I've been working on. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I've never been there. You never can tell.. -That's good. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I have one waiting now. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. We always. I sometimes envy some of our patients. never. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. this is Mr. Taxicabs. You know. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. I want you to be just as harsh as you like.. secretly. Witherspoon. you know-Captain. I shan't mind.

Mr. Now you can take him away. I'm on my way to Africa. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Witherspoon.. this isn't Mr. Goodbye. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. It's Mr. President.. Mr.-Come. your guide to Africa. Let's see. -What is this? No. you got it wrong. President? Taft! No. Happy man. my boy. -Is this March 4? -Practically. all signed. Taft. I must get started immediately. This is Captain Rooney.. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. I'll bring down my equipment. I have good news for you. Your term of office is over. Aunt Martha. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Aunt Abby. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well.

It's all right. but impossible. We promise to take his bugle away from him. How can you allow this? You promised. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. -I'm sorry. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. we're going. Why not? Why not. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. You've come to meet Teddy. too! -Yes. dear. Dissension. No. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. he's come to take him. . -If he's going. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. jealousy. -We won't be separated from Teddy. haven't you? No. You could arrange that. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Oh. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Too dangerous. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Now. indeed? It's sweet of them. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. ladies. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. let's be sensible. I've got it. you'll have to take us with him.

. You just ask our nephew. The graves are all marked.It ain't only his bugle blowing. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. -I'll tell you what we'll do.. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar.. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. -How about it? -I'll be right there. He's been a little strange all day. Mortimer. -I'll look in that cellar. . you wouldn't have to dig. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.and we'll get them all together. What? Yes.. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. Things are going to get worse.. No. and we'll send them to Happy Dale.

It's amazing. Teddy committed himself. -He got married today. humor them. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Where are they? . Hasn't got it yet. we'll sign the papers.. Smile. Spenalzo. .-We put flowers on them every Sunday. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. None of mine are gentlemen. -You mustn't mind him at all. If we can go with Teddy. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen..who doesn't belong here and has to leave. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. "There is a Happy Dale far. -Flowers? Sure. I put neon lights on mine. There's one down there.. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. -Certainly.. Humor them. a Mr.

We've overlooked something. Doctor. please.I have them. -A doctor? -Yes. Dr. A doctor. if you'll sign right here. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Maybe I can understand him. Come along. dear. right here. -Good night. -Were you leaving. I'm really looking forward to going. please. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Doctor. I'm so sorry. It's on the right-hand side there. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. -Come here. Yes. Doctor? -Yes. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Dr. Just sign right here. please. Einstein. will you? I want this all cleaned up. -Here? -Yes. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. here. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. The neighborhood here has changed so. Now. Ladies. ladies. Oh. Sign them up. . please. Dr.

Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. It's all right. Hello. It's your turn. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. The doctor has completed the signatures. Mr. I'm Brewster. Five-foot-three. His accomplice's description is on the circular. will you? About 40. Poses as a doctor. on the desk. Okay. -Don't play games--You sign. Don't mind me. Mac.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Einstein! -Now. Thanks. It's contagious. yes. One hundred and forty pounds. You sign as next of kin. You've done Brooklyn a great service. But Dr. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Doc. Mr. . Read it to me. Mac. That's great! Thanks. Pop eyes. Talks with a German accent. Witherport.

dear. darling. -Here. He's President. Well. don't be worried. you know? And bring along my bugle. you signed as next of kin. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. -Mine? You see. you tell him. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. We're very happy about the whole thing. -It's yours. And you were born . -What. Come up and pack my duffel. -Me too. Duffel? Pack his duffel. We don't want anything to go wrong. darling? -Martha. President. -What's wrong about that. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -Well. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. but that's just it. Mortimer. dear.-Spoon. of course. darling. Einstein--But it's not his signature. Now.

He was a chef on a tramp steamer. Your real father was a cook. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. -Goodbye.. . Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye.about three months afterwards. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. So brother married her. They're off to a flying start. It's true.. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. Quiet! -But. I really did see-- ..we didn't want to lose her. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. too. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon.

But. Mortimer. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Call me a cab. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'm a son of a sea cook. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mr. Yes. its operators. dear. love. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver.

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