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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
at any time.. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. He's so very much in love with her.. Remember now.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. ... It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. . Sister Martha and I are so happy. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. He used to come to see us only occasionally.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. I must be catching cold.. You know I'm not a swearing man... I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.. watch your language. . dear. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room... and now. ..but no man with this published attitude.." either.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.. Reverend Harper.. . You'd be surprised ..Their old man left them fixed for life.should take any man's daughter anyplace. That's their way of digging up people to do good to... Brophy. Bless you. Don't you call them "the girls. No..
-So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. He's taking over my beat. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Brophy? . The toys are on the chair up here. by the library door. -Come right in. How do you do. absolutely nothing to report. Teddy. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. No. we came for the toys. Splendid! Thank you. Gentlemen. -Miss Abby. gentlemen. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Will you excuse me? No. what news have you brought me? Colonel. You get tired of playing cards. dear. no. Teddy. I'll go. Harper from the church next door? Hello. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. Brophy. That's splendid work you men do. Mr. This is Officer O'Hara. At ease. Thank you. You know the Reverend Dr. sir? It's nice to meet you. They're all packed. the new man on the beat. we have nothing to report.what they'd consider swearing. This is Officer O'Hara. -How do you do.
Sarge. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.... But a little weak. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are... Teddy. Gentlemen. You've done so much already. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. I'll make a note. still. He's an interesting character. Isn't it a shame. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Look. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. I promised I wouldn't swear..it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Please don't bother.. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . Now don't do that again. Father. They're afraid of him.... That's right. Reverend. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. . Isn't it a shame.and the neighbors raised Cain.She's better. . thank you. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore.
Colonel. Be sure it's good and hot. Officer O'Hara. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Miss Brewster. Brophy. He's taking over my duties. -These are lovely.Well. this is grand. Thank you. -Not at all. now. dear. Sarge. Teddy. -But the Oregon goes to Australia... You bet I will. Colonel. it goes to Australia. you're back. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. -Now. So long. put it back. -Thank you. Here's the broth for Mrs. Dismissed! . What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. how do you do? Miss Martha. Yes.. It'll make a lot of kids happy. and thank you very much. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. -The children will go crazy. Hey. -Reverend. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. No. Martha. -Don't mention it.
. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.it might be a change for him.. Goodbye.. we thought if he'd be George Washington. and what's more important. -Don't mention it. if he's happy. indeed.. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. Yes. Martha? Once. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill.. a long time ago. Do you remember. you're happy.... Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.. and we suggested it. -Well. Well.-Goodbye and thank you. Young man.. -Good night. -Careful of the step with the toys. That is quite a problem. let that be a lesson to you. I must be going. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. .
I didn't know when you'd be back.. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. too. Martha. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. . -I got along fine. And dinner's going to be late. Did you just have tea? Yes. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. -I'll run right downstairs and see.. And I was all alone. You know. There wasn't time. and Reverend Harper was coming. So. dear. sweet Reverend Harper. I just couldn't wait for you. Dear. dear. -But all by yourself. -No.. why? Good news for you.
. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -Take her hat.Well? Just look in the windowseat. Mortimer. Hold on to that. Mortimer. darlings. -You've got to drive us to the station. buddy.. you're going to love me . keep them. And her brooch. -It's Elaine! -Hello. -You ain't seen anything yet. Here's your hat.. Just throw it. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. I don't like that look in your eyes. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. right out here with everyone looking. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. If you find her hairpins. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. There they are. -But that was only Sunday. Wait a minute. But. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -But.
I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. No. I started packing the day after I met you. I don't have to. He's a dear. the bridal suite in the hotel. I can handle Father.. . You should've seen my secretary's face.. Go on. Look. You'll see it often.. It goes just before this. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog... There.for my mind. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. too? One thing at a time. hurry and pack. . We've a room on the train..and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. you see! You see? That's what I mean. Yes. darling. don't tell your father.. That's what I hate about women. There's that look again! "There's that look again.
Hurry. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. it's me. When you whistle. here. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Hold on to your bustles. Brewster? Good. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. Elaine and I are married. -It'll be a few minutes. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Isn't it too.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. And throw in a flock . -Father may want to pray over me. dark streak of light. Oh. Grand Central Station. Did you send those roses to Mrs. We're married. If you see a tall. What? Now? No. darling. you two old frauds. open the front door fast. hurry. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. -Whistle when you're ready.
And we'll invite a few neighbors in. -You won't have time to bake a cake.of orange blossoms. a wedding cake. A taxi's waiting. But before you go. too. Well. Of course. Did everybody know I was getting married. I'm going to burn all my books. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. -And. I'll run along and get everything ready. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. of course. dear. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. . we can have our celebration. We're going to Niagara Falls. You know how your books upset him. It's all ready. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. Oh.
He'd scare grownups with it. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Well. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. A new lock for the canal. Mortimer! -How are you. dear. Oh. you know.Now you behave. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. goodbye. dear! . thank you. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. what a face! I remember now. Yes. President? -Bully. had a character in it. reminded me of Jonathan. I saw a play. Goodbye. Mr. Hello. Really? A honey of a lunatic. President. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. I'm off to Panama. Just bully. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. My. "Oh. Mr.
darlings. We know. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Yes. darlings. Well. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. . Teddy's killed a man. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. what a play. dear. Yes. listen. mister. look. When the curtain goes up. At once! -He's in the cellar. but I've got an awful shock for you. That's after we're gone. Get him up here now.Yeah. I'm frightfully sorry. Now. darling! Never mind that now. dear. you can't get his mind on anything else. When Teddy's working on the canal. -You know? -Of course. The next thing-Hey. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. -There's no such hurry as that. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now.
How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. men just don't get into windowseats and die. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Wait! Stop all this. dear. You just forget about it. it has a distinct odor. What the.. Mortimer. You mean you. He died first.. You put it in the wine? .Now.. Hoskins. That's really all I know about him. When it's in tea.. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. don't be so inquisitive. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. No. Adam Hoskins. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. how did he die? Mortimer.. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. except that he's a Methodist. Now look. Aunt Martha. Who is he? He's a Mr..
darling. but this time we'll go where we want to go. We must do that.Yes.. Yes. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. She's much better. Mortimer. Now. That wouldn't have been very nice. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . tomorrow or next day. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Hoskins in the windowseat. And I put Mr.. Abby.. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. The dears. Look at me. . Schultz. It's first-degree.because Reverend Harper was coming. not at tea. you know all about it and just forget about it.. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.
Mortimer. you behave.Yes. Mr. That's what we did with the others. dear. They have so much fun. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. digging the lock. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. Whatever his name is. it is.. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. you can't leave him in there. Hoskins. You can't. Look. dear. Mortimer. don't be so impatient. I want to know what we're going to do. -We'll let you lick the bowl. -But Mr. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Now. We don't intend to. Aunt Martha. here. We told you to forget the whole thing. You're going to bury Mr. dear. -Stop worrying about it.. -We can't turn you over to the police. dear. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now.. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. . I know what his name is. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. Teddy's down in the cellar now.
Makes it 12.. Abby. No.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. dear. because I remember when Mr. . dear. I think you're wrong. I didn't mean-- . This is 1 1. I really don't think you should count the first one. It does? Well. isn't it. When you say "others. and that makes it 12. This one is only 1 1 . keep your shirt on! Elaine.. For heaven's sake. she's probably right.. Abby usually is. This makes 12. I was counting the first one. Abby." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. I get them mixed up sometimes. Abby? No. Hoskins first came in. But.. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Hello. Let me see now. dear. dear.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Abby. dear.
So. .we would.. . .looking so peaceful.Now. Just sit down.that if we could help other lonely... You mean. . Midgely was a yellow-fever victim... And that meant he had to be buried immediately.. Midgely. . who was the first one? Mr. Never mind about that. All his kith and kin were dead. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. old men.... Martha? We made up our minds....... Tell me. old gentleman. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then..and he thought Mr... you poor. Why.. let's see.. Where were we? Twelve. He was such a lonely..and he sat there dead in that chair. when his heart attack came. And then. Twelve! Yes... Abby thinks we should count the first one. then and there.. Remember.... We felt so sorry for him. we all took him down to Panama.. .to find that same peace. you see. He was a Baptist. .. dear.
. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . As a matter of fact.. . .. Well.. Of course not! Well.. . just a pinch of cyanide. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves... No...in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things... Should have quite a kick.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine..because we know exactly what's to be done. darling.. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. Wait a minute! Come here.. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. for a gallon of elderberry wine. so. -Mortimer. dear. And then... There.....l take one teaspoonful of arsenic...and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. dear. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it..
Singing away. La Guardia. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night.He did? Well. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page... darling. What am I doing with tickets? Information. That'd be nice.. Teddy! Of course. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Who can I call up? Dewey.. We must get that cake frosted. Let me see. Happy as a lark. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this... Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Winchell? No. Everybody knows he's crazy. digging locks. I couldn't eat a thing. Let me see. He's wonderful. a sip of. Winchell's no good. Don't worry about the cake.
You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Brooklyn. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. you! Thought you were tall. What'd you do. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. Yeah. please. I'll call you up tomorrow.on North Shore Road. . yes. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. What's wrong? Look at your hair. -Run on home. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. Something's happened. dark streak of light. -How do I look? -You look fine. I heard you whistle. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh.
The police want to throw him into a state institution.. You smell so nice. You better go home! -But. -Go to bed. Judge. It's very. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.If I could only tell you. Judge. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. We've got to do something immediately.. about Teddy. we were married today.. But it's a matter of life and. I've got to come over and see you right away. Elaine. darling. A thing happened. Judge. It's about Teddy. very important. he's-It's his bugle blowing. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. It won't wait until tomorrow. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. . I'll tell you why I called you.
Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. It's a wonderful place. do sit down. Another Miss Brewster. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. dear. Happy Dale. And this is my sister. Operator? Give me long distance. I'm Miss Brewster. -My name's Gibbs. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. -All alone in the world? . Now. please. New York. we can get him to Happy Dale. this would be a nice comfortable chair. -Well. Doorbell's ringing. I'm sorry. we're just setting the table for dinner. Do step in.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. Don't like it. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. I understand you've got a room to rent. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. How do you do? Come in. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family.
-Well.. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.. I don't think I'll like it. The room's upstairs. Well. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. we make this ourselves. I can see the headlines now.." when you dig a lock. but the cemetery's full of them." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. That's right. skoal. -Thank you. I'd like to see the room. Please. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Well. Well. Happy Dale. you've come to just the right house. It's elderberry wine. "D" Iike in "dig. Martha. -Dale. . -No. -Do sit down.
but it's not only against the law. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. Oh.. People wouldn't understand. it's wrong.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. . Don't do that. murdered... but you've given me an idea! Darling. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is. madam. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. I'm nervous. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . Not that. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look... I'm not drunk..Hello.
Thank you. Well. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Witherspoon. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Yes. Mr. Mr. Witherspoon. How do you do. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Mr. please.What? All right. if he thought that-Mr.. Mr. now. Bonaparte. Witherspoon speaking. we want to commit him there immediately. if your mind is made up. Oh.That's amazing.-.. That's too bad.. do you-I'm fine.. Brewster. Of course. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. . Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Thank you. dear. I see.and it would lead to trouble. operator. Oh. And if-Oh. Well. Well. dear. . thanks. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Witherspoon.
dear.. You know I'd do anything for you. don't you? Yes. Mortimer. darling. I'll sing with you. dear. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. I love you both very much. Get off that thing. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. like good girls. Oh. What on earth could happen to us? Well. you'll do that little thing for me. Well.. Whosit where he is. -But. .. darling.Another Roosevelt. but I want you to promise me something. I want you to do one thing for me. I mean. Anyway. Now listen. I can't concentrate. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr.. we'd have to know what it was first. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner... I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. I can't talk to you. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. I'm going to Judge Cullman's.
Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. cab! Here you are. Remember. I'm so happy for Elaine. What? Stop that. You promise? Good. that's right. The poor dears. well. anything. Why? He's just been married. . Shame! Such a nice hat.I'll dance with you. You know. -Don't open it. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Oh. Sure. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. I'll sit with you! Yeah. What is it? Mr. Yes. I can go faster that way. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous.
The family must still live here. Johnny. we'll need another hymnal. Johnny. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. I'm so hungry. It's two men. As a boy. . Drink. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Come in. A fatted calf?. -You look. -Do you recognize them? -No. and I've never seen them before. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. -Let me look. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. Yes. Johnny. they're strangers to me.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. I'll go. it's a good hideout. This is the home of my youth. dear. doctor. Look. There's one up in my room. As if we were expected. -Are you sure? -Yes.
. his voice is like Jonathan's... Why. Aunt Martha.. you're not. you know. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.. No..that Grandma Brewster bought in England.A good omen.. He's a plastic surgeon. Dr. so don't pretend you are.. It's Jonathan. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. still the high collar.. Aunt Martha. Have you been in an accident? My face. And you. Jonathan.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.. Einstein is responsible for that. . Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. But I've seen that face before. You just get out of here. .. You're nothing like Jonathan. Your nephew.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
. Spenalzo along. I could be disagreeable. How do we get him in here? Yes.You remember that. That's hospitality.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.. Quick. I don't have to go into details. Spenalzo in through the door. . Spenalzo. Rather a good joke on my aunts.. we'll bring him in through the window. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. We expect to be very busy. Come here. six feet long. Four feet wide. Bed.. we can't just walk Mr. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.. . I forgot to tell you. See the hole he's digging. as a boy.. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. -Down here. And it just fits Mr.. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.
No. Teddy. A state secret? Yes. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. we must keep it a secret. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. Hoskins downstairs right away. The car is all right where it is until morning. You'd better get to bed. I don't want to leave it in the street. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. the poor dear. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins? Mr. Promise? You have the word of the President . He said the canal was just the right size. General Goethals was very pleased. there's been another yellow-fever victim. And he's been so patient. a state secret. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. I think Teddy had better take Mr.We're moving the car behind the house. That might be against the law.
. I've never even seen Mr. Your room is waiting for you. We've never had yellow fever there before. You just come right along and see him now.. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. We're bringing the luggage through here. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. But you must be very tired.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. Both of you. Now get along... And we'll come down later and hold services. And then. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours.. Cross my heart and hope to die. .of the United States. when everything's dark here.. You two run along to bed. let's see. -And we don't go to bed this early. You can go right up. Now.when I turn out the lights. It seems to be spreading. he's really very nice looking. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. You know. considering that he's a Methodist. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.. . . you were out..
All right. -I'll be right up. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. I'll open the window. Run along. Good night. He's all right.-It's time I came home to take care of you. When I tap on the glass. And then together we take him down to Panama. Doctor. . I'll take a look around outside the house. Yeah. Aunt Abby. You go round and hand him through. I'll come back later. You go outside and push. Aunt Abby. we'll all go to bed. Now! Turn out the lights. Where am l? Here I am. Johnny. Take the bags upstairs. Now. -All right. Aunt Martha. It's dark in here. But he's too heavy for me. For the instruments. and I'll stay here and pull. you open the window. Just off the laboratory. We must be quick.
Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Allez. He's so heavy. Doctor! . Now I got him. I mean. Mortimer. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Hand him over. Help me. Now I have him. Go open. I'm not very used to it. it's Brewster. -But his shoe came off. I live next door. up! Now. wait a minute.Who left this open? Okay. I'll manage Spenalzo. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. somebody's at the door. Help me. Go. quick. Now I have him. wait a minute. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Now I've got him! Johnny. You lost a leg somewhere. He's so heavy. -Be careful.
Einstein? Dr. . I've never seen you before. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. We happen to live here." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. -You're Jonathan.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door.. May I present Dr. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. that's all. And something of a magician... Now that I know who you are. That explains everything. they talk about you. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. I'm in this house every day. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. You don't live here. ..It's all right. It's okay. "That explains everything. -You've heard of me? -Yes.
You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. -What else did you see? -Just that. the cellar. No visitors. Charge! Doctor. . -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes.I suppose it was you. It's going to be a private funeral. Alice. No! Don't be a tomboy. Go back to your room. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. But if he's not home. I came to see Mortimer. that's all! I see. a sneak thief. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Is that why you came over here? No. I'll run--You've given two names.
I talk. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Mortimer.. he--Wait a minute. -What? I've come back home... ." Listen. "I've come back home.. Jonathan! -I've come back home. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. Mortimer. Mortimer. . darling. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. -I'll handle this. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. Go back to your room. Einstein. -Mortimer.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails..-We'll call the police. it talks! Yes. Mortimer...
How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. I remember. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. No.Yeah. Here's $10. Now. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. We don't take up much room. -What? -Just for tonight.. -In fact. Nothing to.. I'm staying here tonight. Einstein to stay. just a moment. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. be a good fellow. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. . We invited Jonathan and Dr. I'm staying here from now on. Now look. Please. Johnny can sleep on the sofa.
. Spenalzo. Spenalzo.Mortimer. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. What? What's going to happen to Mr. While we are packing. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Mortimer. in just a little while. darling? -I almost got killed. Don't bring anyone else in here. I'll take care of you. that. -Oh. Now. beat it! It's all right. Johnny. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Doctor. I'll tell you about him. I've completely lost track of Mr. Mr. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. you know what I do to people who order me around. Elaine. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Wait! Who's this Mr.
Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. I'm afraid of him. .. Well. Witherspoon. please. -He was going to kill me! -Wait.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0.. Darling... -You'd better run along home. I'm here now. we were going over Niagara Falls. . Brewster. . don't worry about it. We were married today. He's some kind of a maniac.. I can't hear the man.-It was worse than that. Mr. I got things to do. -But--Please.. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. -What? Go on home like a good girl. look. Forget it. a taxi's waiting. I don't understand you.your brother tries to strangle me. Yes. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan... Well.
. wedding ring.put them in a barrel. darling. By the way.. Yeah.. signature. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. Teddy. windowseat. I know it's late.. taxi.. .. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Doctor. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. Let me think about this thing. well. Thank you. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.. darling. . of course? By the doctor? Oh. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. I'll get both signatures. come right away.I've got the papers all drawn up.
And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Hoskins in the windowseat. . Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. where is Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. Hoskins! -By the way. I did. you come in here now! Yes. he's mistaken. Yes. dear. Hoskins. You admitted you put Mr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. It is not Mr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr.No. Mr.
We haven't had a minute.. I'm in no mood to debate the question.. what with Jonathan in the house. Mortimer. Don't. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. . and I mean now. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. And I've also decided that you're leaving. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. Listen. Martha. poor dear. dear. Are you getting out. handsome. I've decided that we're staying.. you come straight along here. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. I did. No. Oh. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat.He's down there waiting for the services.
I've got some very good news for you. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Jonathan. . Remember. -No! Come in. I owe you an apology. what happened to Mr.Aunt Abby. -Glad to see you. -Pleased to meet you. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. -And this is another nephew. Listen. Put down that telephone. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. And he's taking Dr.. Jonathan is leaving. You can't ask for more than that. do come in. Well? All right. Don't reach for the telephone. you're a Brewster. too. I'll have to call the police. in that case. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. -Yes. This is our nephew.. darling. You're my brother. Spenalzo can happen to you. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Come right in. Mortimer. Officer..
-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. All three of you: you. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. This is your last chance. You can tell me all about it. I got to ring in. Einstein and Spenalzo. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.Your face is familiar. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. You are? Well. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Mr. Dr. -I'll be running along. well. I can spell like the dickens. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Officer O'Hara. but I can't spell them. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. . I'm working on a play now. Spenalzo. If you don't leave here.
My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. you lose your head. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Please! Doctor. Okay. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Johnny. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Right with you. Johnny. Please. Just give me one moment. After that. Now get going! All three of you. we're coming back here. We can make a fortune. Look. No. let's go. We've got a wonderful setup here. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Two old ladies as a front. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Only Mortimer stands in our way. I never did like Mortimer. take it easy. We're sleeping right here in this house. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. please. But we've got trouble enough as it is. We're not going. Come. no. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . O'Hara.
All right. -Excuse me. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -I don't know. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -I like the first act. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming.. We're not going. we got an ace in the hole. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn.. you asked for it. It's no fly-by-night idea. -You're not going? -No. You stay out of this. Well. Mortimer. -Legitimate? Of course.in the cellar. -My mother was an actress. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. She was my mother.. If you tell O'Hara . -Swell. Yes. I worked on it for 12 years. rehash it. Well. I'll be back in a minute. Move fast.
Genius at work. You'd better ring in. I assure you. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . huh? Let's go where we can be alone.. I'll meet you there later. This opening will kill you.what's in the windowseat. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. Bohemian atmosphere. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's... . Lowbrows. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.
Wait for me! We'll wait for him. We thought we heard you leave. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. will you? This is a great play. I expect to find you gone. Where do you. Perish the thought.. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. you ring in and I'll see you later. aren't you? You think you've got it over me.. You've got to take him with you! . dear aunties. doctor.. Yes. And speaking of services. That was just Mortimer. -Can't wait! Doctor. Did he look guilty! Well.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.Look.... Where are those papers? There they are. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. I think we can start the services now... Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. The moment the doctor signs. Well. -I'll see you down there. Jonathan. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins... You haven't. Martha. You're smug. . You won't stand me up. When I come back.
you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. -He's one of our gentlemen. He must mean Mr. -Your gentlemen? Yes.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Mr. Hoskins--Mr. what we've been doing is a mercy. It's one of our charities. Doctor. They're both dead. . Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Besides. there's no room for Mr. Spenalzo. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Why. -But Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Hoskins is no stranger. You mean. Mr. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Twelve graves. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. The cellar's crowded already. Hoskins. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar.
. . Johnny..two in San Francisco.. You've done all that. Spenalzo out of here. What? You got 12.. one in Phoenix. Two in Johannesburg. You cannot count him. they got 12.. 12. Spenalzo. . -Thirteen. they got 12... one in Melbourne.. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world.. Phoenix? -The filling station.So you just take your Mr. -Filling.. .. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. and they do just as good as you do. He died of pneumonia. -No. You cannot count the one in South Bend. one in Sydney. That makes 13. ..right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. I've got 13... Then the first one in London. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Arizona.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. There's Mr.. You got 12. Don't brag.
but I can't commit a man just on that. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. If you'd talk with him. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. All I need is one more.. are they? Well. Gilchrist.. -You wait here. They are. . That's all. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. Make yourself comfortable. -You better wait. I'll be right back.. . The pixies won't be out till after midnight.The old ladies is just as good as you are.. -Who? What? Did I say.. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. but only you can help me. I know Teddy blows bugles. Dr. seeing a doctor. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home..l'm sure you'd be convinced. This is most irregular. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed.. that's easily taken care of. Just one more. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. Pull up a tombstone.
-Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. Certainly. No. It gives me a chance to rest. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. looks good on you! Not the suit. darling." $22. . that's that. President. indeed. $22. Well now. Welcome to Washington. yes. so good.50. the meter! "Looks good on me. may I present--Dr. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. is it not? Yes. Five more bucks and you'll own it.-Hey. -Do you? -Yes. It wouldn't fit me. So far. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes.50! -What? $22. with a Maxim silencer. thanks.50! Oh. Not so good. -Mr. of course I love you.
. insanity runs in my family. . Just because Teddy's strange. -That's what you think. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. I probably should have told you this before. if the country insists.well. darling. but I won't be elected. Doctor.. but it's only a matter of time. Darling. that doesn't mean-No. It practically gallops. I love you so much. that's ancient history. Darling.. I can't go through with our marriage. -Of course. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I'll run for a third term. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. It's way back before Teddy. I don't quite know. -What are you talking about? -Well..Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. .. but you see..
That's the way I love you. Anytime you're in Washington. Goodbye. Well. sanest people I've ever known.Darling. So you're crazy. you better stop it. Aunt Abby.. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. Thank you. No. aren't they? They're the sweetest. no.. I'm crazy too. even they have their peculiarities. What of it? So your family's crazy. go to bed! . Look at your aunts. They're Brewsters. It'll just have to be undone. I. There's no use doing what you're doing. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. drop in to see me at the White House.. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Ambassador. all this doesn't prove a thing. -Go away. Just go on signing the papers. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. -Those papers. but kiss me.
I'll get them out. Hoskins and Mr. You know.we're going for the police. Martha and I are going for the police. . Nice and smooth like a lake. Spenalzo in together... Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. All right. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. let him. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. If Jonathan and Mr. You're forgetting. Bed feels good already.. This is all fixed up nice now. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning.. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. -Oh. Doctor. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. .
You forget. No. Johnny. Or the next day. huh? The quick twist like in London. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. the Melbourne method. Mortimer. But Johnny.-Remember. But the quick way. I just heard him upstairs. Doctor. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Not the Melbourne method. You are going to operate tomorrow. I think this calls for something special. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. what? . Look at me. can't you? Yeah. We'll do it tomorrow. perhaps. I know that look. I think. My brother. Okay. we'll do it. No! I am tired. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. not tonight! I'm sleepy. no police! No police! Look. Okay. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. You can see that it's got to be done. Doctor. Doctor. go to bed.
What is it. Mr. Mr. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. President. Johnny's in a bad mood. I can't hear you. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. Get out. Boy. Yes. So I have. A secret proclamation? How unusual. will you. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. mice? -You get out of this house. Mr. President. You already have them on. I can't hear you. Mr. Wait here. -I'll put on my signing clothes. . Hey. -Please listen to me. President. could I use a drink! -Get out of here.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Brewster. Oh. This must be secret. Get out! -Stop underplaying. What a load off my mind. President. -Of course. Don't do that. I see! Very clever. please? -What? Speak up. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Mr.
-I could use that. ..Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Heidelberg. You take care of yourself. but you go now. when Johnny's in that mood. 1919.he's a madman. Don't those plays you see all the time ... -That's mine. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. -What's that? Wait. Stop it. -My schnapps. He's a maniac! And then things happen. But. Please. Only for dramatic critics.. please. Get going. Brewster.Are you really a doctor? Yes. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Please. little fellow. look. Please listen to me. Doc-. Mr. I'll take care of him. Please go now. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. You've just been married. You beat it before things start popping around here. Horrible things.
he doesn't. Isn't that great? So there he is. At least people in plays act like they got sense. And does he go? No. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. There's a man. it'll still be running when you get out. Witherspoon. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.. He's even been warned to get out. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. The murderer even invites him to sit down... He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. Now listen to this. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. When you get out of prison. .teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. There's a play that's so bad.
the quick way. you may consider that a blessing.. in a play or even in a movie.. Now. for me. Now get a load of this... The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. This fellow's supposed to be bright. Later on. That's right. I've been away for 20 years. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. Yes. But never.a fellow never sees or hears anything. I dreamt of you. brother Heidelberg. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.we go to work. All he has to do is look around.. . He wasn't very bright. .. . Look at the attitude. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Johnny. my dear brother. Mortimer.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. In Melbourne one night... were you out of my mind. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. but does he? No! See. Please. Doctor.
Let's get it over with. Mortimer. That's all. -Please. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. please. After all. Here. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . there was some wine. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink.-This must be an artistic achievement. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. That idiot! -He goes next. You remember when we came in. One moment. I'll split it with you. Where are your manners? Yes. We both have a drink before we operate. To my dear. Where did they put it? I found some wine. Please! All right. dead brother. But I cannot see this without the drink. And then they took it. Pull yourself together. We drink to you.
You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. -What happened to him? -Nothing. In the second act. The quick way... yes! If it has to be. Like a flash. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. I'd better talk to him myself.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. It's all right. . He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. They practically stole that from my play. sure. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. then the quick way. ... I see. out of a clear sky. I'll help you. The quick way.-We'll get to him later. We're taking the bugle away from him. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. Yeah.
It's an evolving stage. Well. please. All of a sudden. a fire breaks out. in the meantime. The scene changes. -Where have I seen that face before? -No.. . casual-like... see? Little do I know it.. I'm in great danger. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep.. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. My mother doesn't say they're married. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. It's getting you. . "Miss Peaches La Tour. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. Growing into a magnificent specimen. -What? -I personally like it very much..but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. You ain't heard nothing yet. there's me. I'm walking along my beat. -It's probably over his head. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry.He says.
who the heck is this? Mr. this is Mortimer Brewster. so I pulls out my gun. the cops! I sees the door handle turn.. Right in the middle of the second act.. -I heard him.. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. He says we've got to put him away someplace. ... Did they send you here? No. Get me Mac.. we came to warn the old ladies. That's the one that ran away. So he came back. Brophy. . The neighbors are phoning in. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. My play put him to sleep. -Johnny. -He's going to help me write my play. I figures I'll outsmart him. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Now.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello.when a guy that I'm following. Brewster's brother. boys.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -There's a vacant house on the corner. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge.
Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. We found him. Shall we bring him in? All right. -I'll show them to you. Brewster. we'll hold him right here. Your aunts are friends of ours. Mr. don't you? Well. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. you've got me. Mr. You think my aunts are sweet. At the Brewster house. Thirteen bodies. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. I better let them know that I found you. Be careful what you say. Yes. -Come down to the cellar. charming old ladies. So I've been turned in? All right. It wasn't that bad. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. -Wait a minute. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. 13. Leave him to me. Brewster. The Lieutenant is on his way over. .
Let me tell you-I'll see you later. I got him. that's enough. too. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Don't! Sarge! Look out. please. He looks like Boris Karloff. Pat. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. -Go to the cellar with him. Go on and fight. . -Do I have to? Look at that puss. -Yes. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. look. Pat. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. I got something better. come to the cellar. Such a fine day. look out! Amazing. Everybody off. Amazing. Look out! Fight. Don't bother me now. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. -Go on down the cellar with him. That's enough.I'll show you where they're buried. You could use this in the third act. Well.
fight. That's fine. What do I care? Go ahead. That won't have any effect. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. -Witherspoon. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. please. dear. Boris. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Telephone. -Come in.. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. I've tried it before-It did.The papers are all signed.. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.. Get him. Isn't that amazing? Oh. brother. Turn him over. Wish I could relax like that. Thank you very much. Pat. Don't do that. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. . -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle.
You're suspended. He's a lifer.you can at least read short detective stories. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. pal. too. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane.... "He looked like Karloff. He says 13 bodies are there. Report in. That's the way they described him. He's wanted... Certainly. .. . The guy who helped him escape. About my not ringing in." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. You're going to have a long time on that play.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. That's my brother. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.. Now go on. he's wanted. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. .
This is a spy. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. We caught him at the White House. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Colonel. -Questioning of spies is my department. -Hey. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. keep out of that. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. . Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Nothing to eat. But I'm not myself today. No sleep. Howdy. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. With flatheads like you on the force. Take him out and bring him to. you. you've blown your last bugle. I want to question him.Here. Colonel. No.
Witherspoon. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. take it easy. No arguments. . started a murder rumor. There's people dumb enough to believe that. He's got to be put away. no argument. Captain. -As long as he's going someplace. Any offers? I'm Mr. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. -I'm waiting for Mr. Read this. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. I'm liable to think anything.You're his brother. No arguments. Just a minute. Last year there was a crazy guy. I know just how you feel. I have come to get a Brewster. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Look.
He's ready to talk. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. That's all right! Do that again for me. . -Hold him till I get there. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Never mind! Give me that pen. I'm so glad to see you. This is fun. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Let me explain. all I got to get is Witherspoon. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. it's chicanery. Witherspoon is here. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -That's fine." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster.Mr. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Brewster? Mr. Now.
Something I've been working on. I sometimes envy some of our patients. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. You know. you know-Captain. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. secretly. this is Mr. Why? To take him away? Never. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. I have one waiting now. I shan't mind. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. You never can tell.And no wagon when he leaves.. Taxicabs. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale.. It means a great deal to me. -That's good. I've never been there.. You do? It must be a nice place. -The woods are full of them. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. never. it's a play. We always. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. . Witherspoon.
I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Witherspoon. Now you can take him away. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. I'm on my way to Africa. Goodbye. President? Taft! No. Taft. this isn't Mr.. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. I must get started immediately. Your term of office is over. -What is this? No. I have good news for you. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. your guide to Africa. Aunt Abby. President. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Mr. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Let's see. It's Mr. you got it wrong. Mr. all signed.. my boy.-Come. Happy man. I'll bring down my equipment. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . This is Captain Rooney.. Aunt Martha.
Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. dear. let's be sensible. haven't you? No. indeed? It's sweet of them. we're going. -If he's going. . How can you allow this? You promised. -I'm sorry. Oh. you'll have to take us with him. You've come to meet Teddy. ladies. Now. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. We promise to take his bugle away from him. he's come to take him.It's all right. You could arrange that. No. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. too! -Yes. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Why not? Why not. jealousy. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. Dissension. Too dangerous. -We won't be separated from Teddy. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. but impossible. I've got it.
Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. No.. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. -I'll look in that cellar. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. -I'll tell you what we'll do. Things are going to get worse. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. You just ask our nephew. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. He's been a little strange all day. you wouldn't have to dig...and we'll get them all together. . -How about it? -I'll be right there. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.It ain't only his bugle blowing. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. Mortimer. . and we'll send them to Happy Dale.. What? Yes. The graves are all marked. There are 13 bodies in our cellar.
Smile. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. we'll sign the papers. There's one down there.. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. -You mustn't mind him at all. If we can go with Teddy. -Certainly. a Mr. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. "There is a Happy Dale far. . Hasn't got it yet. Humor them.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. Teddy committed himself. -He got married today. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better.. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. Where are they? . It's amazing.. I put neon lights on mine. None of mine are gentlemen.. Spenalzo.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. humor them. -Flowers? Sure.
Sign them up. will you? I want this all cleaned up. -Come here. please. Yes.I have them. We've overlooked something. -Good night. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Doctor. right here. I'm so sorry. It's on the right-hand side there. Oh. Dr. please. -Here? -Yes. Doctor. Maybe I can understand him. Dr. Come along. please. The neighborhood here has changed so. dear. A doctor. Now. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. if you'll sign right here. Einstein. Just sign right here. Dr. here. Ladies. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. . -A doctor? -Yes. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Doctor? -Yes. ladies. I'm really looking forward to going. please. -Were you leaving.
Poses as a doctor. You sign as next of kin. Talks with a German accent. Doc. Pop eyes. Mr. It's contagious. I'm Brewster. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. . Read it to me. Okay. -Don't play games--You sign. Einstein! -Now. The doctor has completed the signatures. Mr. You've done Brooklyn a great service. yes. His accomplice's description is on the circular. One hundred and forty pounds. Hello. That's great! Thanks. Mac. Don't mind me. Thanks. It's all right. But Dr. Witherport. on the desk. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Five-foot-three. It's your turn. will you? About 40.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Mac.
Duffel? Pack his duffel. dear. darling. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -Mine? You see. -Me too. And you were born . but that's just it. -What. -Here. you tell him. Einstein--But it's not his signature. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. darling. dear. you know? And bring along my bugle. We're very happy about the whole thing. We don't want anything to go wrong. Mortimer. Come up and pack my duffel. -What's wrong about that. of course. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. President.-Spoon. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. Well. -It's yours. don't be worried. -Well. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. you signed as next of kin. He's President. darling? -Martha. Now.
. Quiet! -But. I really did see-- . And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook.we didn't want to lose her.. So brother married her.. too. -Goodbye. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them.about three months afterwards. Your real father was a cook. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. It's true. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. . You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. They're off to a flying start. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye..
Mr.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mortimer. I'm a son of a sea cook. Yes. We're going to Niagara Falls. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. dear. Call me a cab. But. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. love. its operators.
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