Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. Sister Martha and I are so happy.. and now. .... dear.... I must be catching cold.. Don't you call them "the girls." either. He's so very much in love with her.. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. watch your language. at any time..but no man with this published attitude.. He used to come to see us only occasionally. You'd be surprised .. Remember now. Brophy. .should take any man's daughter anyplace.. . You know I'm not a swearing man. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room.Their old man left them fixed for life. . Reverend Harper... I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. No... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. Bless you. ..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.

Teddy. Splendid! Thank you. dear. no. Brophy? . miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. I'll go. He's taking over my beat. Mr. -Come right in. -Miss Abby. You get tired of playing cards. -How do you do. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Will you excuse me? No. You know the Reverend Dr. The toys are on the chair up here. the new man on the beat. This is Officer O'Hara. Brophy. They're all packed. Thank you. Gentlemen. That's splendid work you men do. How do you do. by the library door. absolutely nothing to report. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. gentlemen. sir? It's nice to meet you. Teddy. we came for the toys. At ease. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. This is Officer O'Hara. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. what news have you brought me? Colonel. No. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room.what they'd consider swearing. we have nothing to report.

.. You've done so much already.. That's right. Now don't do that again. Reverend.... Isn't it a shame.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. But a little weak. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. Isn't it a shame. . He's an interesting character. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.. I'll make a note. . you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Teddy. Gentlemen. still. thank you.She's better.. Please don't bother. I promised I wouldn't swear. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.and the neighbors raised Cain. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. Father... that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. They're afraid of him. Sarge. Look. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.

-Not at all. Hey. Yes.. You bet I will.Well. dear. Colonel. Teddy. The Army and Navy are ready for action. and thank you very much. So long. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Martha. -Don't mention it.. -These are lovely. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. -Reverend. He's taking over my duties. how do you do? Miss Martha. Brophy. No. Thank you. -Now. put it back. now. Be sure it's good and hot.. you're back. -Thank you. Colonel. it goes to Australia. Officer O'Hara. Here's the broth for Mrs. It'll make a lot of kids happy. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. this is grand. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. Miss Brewster. Dismissed! . -The children will go crazy. Sarge.

Young man.. indeed. . Yes.. let that be a lesson to you. if he's happy.it might be a change for him. Do you remember. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt... you're happy. . Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh... I must be going... -Good night. and we suggested it..-Goodbye and thank you. Martha? Once. we thought if he'd be George Washington. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. -Don't mention it. That is quite a problem. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. -Well. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. a long time ago. Well. -Careful of the step with the toys. Goodbye. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. and what's more important.

Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. You know.. I didn't know when you'd be back. dear. why? Good news for you. Martha. -I got along fine. and Reverend Harper was coming. . Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. -No. There wasn't time. too. I just couldn't wait for you. I'm sure we needn't worry about him.. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Dear. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. Did you just have tea? Yes. And dinner's going to be late. And I was all alone. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. sweet Reverend Harper. So.. -But all by yourself. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. dear.

Mortimer. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -It's Elaine! -Hello. -You've got to drive us to the station. buddy. Hold on to that. -You ain't seen anything yet. If you find her hairpins. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. Mortimer. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. But. Wait a minute. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Here's your hat. I don't like that look in your eyes. -But.. And her brooch. keep them. you're going to love me . Just throw it..Well? Just look in the windowseat. There they are. -But that was only Sunday. right out here with everyone looking. darlings.. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. -Take her hat.

I can handle Father. too? One thing at a time. No. hurry and pack. you see! You see? That's what I mean. I started packing the day after I met you. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. . .and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. I don't have to. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. Yes. don't tell your father. There. It goes just before this. You'll see it often. You should've seen my secretary's face. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. We've a room on the train.for my mind. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. the bridal suite in the hotel.. That's what I hate about women.. He's a dear. Look.... darling. Go on.. There's that look again! "There's that look again. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office..

hurry. Elaine and I are married. you two old frauds.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. dark streak of light. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. We're married. Grand Central Station. -Whistle when you're ready. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. it's me. darling. If you see a tall. When you whistle. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Hurry. Did you send those roses to Mrs. -It'll be a few minutes. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. Brewster? Good. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. open the front door fast. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Hold on to your bustles. Oh. And throw in a flock . -Father may want to pray over me. What? Now? No. here. Isn't it too.

Did everybody know I was getting married.of orange blossoms. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. I'm going to burn all my books. Well. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. I'll run along and get everything ready. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. You know how your books upset him. Of course. A taxi's waiting. -You won't have time to bake a cake. dear. We're going to Niagara Falls. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. -And. a wedding cake. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. too. . Oh. of course. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. we can have our celebration. It's all ready. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. But before you go.

dear! . thank you. Really? A honey of a lunatic. President? -Bully. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Oh. President. Mr. "Oh. what a face! I remember now.Now you behave. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Mortimer! -How are you. My. goodbye. dear. Goodbye. Hello. I'm off to Panama. Yes. reminded me of Jonathan. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. I know. A new lock for the canal. Isn't it wonderful? Well. you know. had a character in it. I saw a play. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Mr. He'd scare grownups with it. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Just bully.

listen. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. I'm frightfully sorry. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. -There's no such hurry as that. dear. darling! Never mind that now. mister. The next thing-Hey. That's after we're gone. Get him up here now. Teddy's killed a man. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. -You know? -Of course. Yes. We know. what a play. When the curtain goes up. look. the first thing you see is a dead body. Yes. you can't get his mind on anything else. darlings. When Teddy's working on the canal. Now. At once! -He's in the cellar. dear. but I've got an awful shock for you. Well. . darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes.Yeah. darlings. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes.

When it's in tea. You just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. men just don't get into windowseats and die. Who is he? He's a Mr. What the. how did he die? Mortimer. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it... How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Aunt Martha. Mortimer. No... dear. That's really all I know about him. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. You mean you. He died first.Now.. don't be so inquisitive. except that he's a Methodist. Hoskins. Wait! Stop all this.. Now look. it has a distinct odor. Adam Hoskins. You put it in the wine? .

you know all about it and just forget about it. Mortimer. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Abby. The dears. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well.Yes. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. darling. That wouldn't have been very nice. Look at me. It's first-degree. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz. Yes.. Hoskins in the windowseat. And I put Mr. tomorrow or next day..because Reverend Harper was coming.. but this time we'll go where we want to go. Now. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. . Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. not at tea. We must do that. She's much better.

That's what we did with the others. -We can't turn you over to the police. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Teddy's down in the cellar now. Look. . Now. dear. dear. don't be so impatient.Yes. -But Mr. here. Mortimer. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. it is.. Mr. We told you to forget the whole thing. digging the lock. -Stop worrying about it. you can't leave him in there. You can't. Whatever his name is. Hoskins. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. We don't intend to. I know what his name is. I want to know what we're going to do. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. You're going to bury Mr. Mortimer. dear. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. They have so much fun. dear... -We'll let you lick the bowl. you behave. Aunt Martha. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now.

Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. Abby. . I didn't mean-- . Hello. This one is only 1 1 .-Others? -The other gentlemen. Abby? No. But. For heaven's sake.. When you say "others. I really don't think you should count the first one. dear.. This is 1 1. dear. Abby. dear. and that makes it 12. I was counting the first one.. dear. isn't it.. It does? Well. This makes 12. because I remember when Mr. Abby. keep your shirt on! Elaine. Hoskins first came in. dear. Makes it 12. Abby usually is. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Let me see now." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. I think you're wrong. she's probably right. I get them mixed up sometimes. No.

. Martha? We made up our minds.. Abby thinks we should count the first one. Never mind about that.to find that same peace... Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. let's see. Just sit down. Why.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. And then. . . . you see... He was a Baptist.... dear.. .we would. Twelve! Yes. So. Midgely.... You mean.....and he sat there dead in that chair.. All his kith and kin were dead. Tell me. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.. .. . Teddy came up from digging in Panama.Now. .. we all took him down to Panama..looking so peaceful. when his heart attack came. then and there.. you poor.. old men...and he thought Mr. Where were we? Twelve. Remember.. He was such a lonely.. We felt so sorry for him. who was the first one? Mr.that if we could help other lonely. old gentleman.

Should have quite a kick..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. dear. No. Well. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves.....l take one teaspoonful of arsenic...... As a matter of fact.because we know exactly what's to be done.... so.. just a pinch of cyanide.. .. -Mortimer. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. Wait a minute! Come here. There. . And then. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it. Of course not! Well. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . dear. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli..in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. for a gallon of elderberry wine. darling. ...then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. ...

Winchell? No. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Happy as a lark... Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Singing away. darling. Teddy! Of course... You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Who can I call up? Dewey. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Let me see. He's wonderful. digging locks.. a sip of. Let me see. La Guardia. That'd be nice. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. We must get that cake frosted.He did? Well. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. I couldn't eat a thing. Everybody knows he's crazy. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Don't worry about the cake. Winchell's no good. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page.

Something's happened. . What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. What's wrong? Look at your hair. you! Thought you were tall. I heard you whistle. I'll call you up tomorrow. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. yes. What'd you do. dark streak of light. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. Yeah. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. please. Brooklyn. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh.on North Shore Road. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. -How do I look? -You look fine. -Run on home.

The police want to throw him into a state institution. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster..If I could only tell you. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. -Go to bed. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. I've got to come over and see you right away. Judge. We've got to do something immediately. I'll tell you why I called you. It's about Teddy. It won't wait until tomorrow. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. You smell so nice.. But it's a matter of life and. Judge. darling. . You better go home! -But. A thing happened. Judge. very important. we were married today. about Teddy. he's-It's his bugle blowing. Elaine.. It's very.

-Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. please. we can get him to Happy Dale. this would be a nice comfortable chair. I understand you've got a room to rent. And this is my sister. Happy Dale. we're just setting the table for dinner. do sit down. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. How do you do? Come in. Don't like it.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. -Well. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. -My name's Gibbs. I'm Miss Brewster. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Doorbell's ringing. Do step in. I'm sorry. Another Miss Brewster. -All alone in the world? . It's a wonderful place. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Now. dear. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Operator? Give me long distance. New York.

Well. -Thank you." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. -No.. I can see the headlines now. I don't think I'll like it. skoal. I'd like to see the room. Well. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No.-Well. Happy Dale. Please. . Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. It's elderberry wine." when you dig a lock. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. Martha. but the cemetery's full of them. -Do sit down. we make this ourselves. That's right. The room's upstairs. you've come to just the right house. "A" Iike in "arsenic. -Dale. "D" Iike in "dig. Well...

. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.. People wouldn't understand. it's wrong. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . I'm not drunk. madam. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you..but it's not only against the law.Hello. I'm nervous. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. murdered.. but you've given me an idea! Darling. What I mean is.... Oh. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. Don't do that. . Not that. He wouldn't understand.

That's too bad. Mr. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. if he thought that-Mr. dear... Thank you. And if-Oh. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. do you-I'm fine. Mr. operator.What? All right. now. Bonaparte.. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Oh. I see. if your mind is made up. Yes.. Mr.-. please. Witherspoon speaking. Well. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. dear. Witherspoon. Mr. Witherspoon. Well. .That's amazing. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. thanks. Oh. .and it would lead to trouble. Witherspoon. How do you do. Of course. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. we want to commit him there immediately. Brewster. Well. Thank you.

. Oh. You know I'd do anything for you. Whosit where he is. Now listen. I'll sing with you. Anyway.. don't you? Yes. Well. darling. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. I can't concentrate.. I mean. I want you to do one thing for me. like good girls.. -But. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. but I want you to promise me something.. Mortimer. you'll do that little thing for me. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. dear. we'd have to know what it was first. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. darling. dear. What on earth could happen to us? Well. I love you both very much. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is... Get off that thing.Another Roosevelt. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. I can't talk to you.

. I'm so happy for Elaine. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. What? Stop that. Oh. Yes. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. What is it? Mr. well. that's right. cab! Here you are.I'll dance with you. The poor dears. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. -Don't open it. anything. I can go faster that way. Why? He's just been married. You promise? Good. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Shame! Such a nice hat. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Remember. Sure. I'll sit with you! Yeah. You know.

I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. I'll go. As a boy. -Do you recognize them? -No. Yes. -Let me look. we'll need another hymnal. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Johnny. . doctor. This is the home of my youth. Look. it's a good hideout. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. and I've never seen them before. they're strangers to me. Johnny. -Are you sure? -Yes. As if we were expected. Come in. Drink. -You look. I'm so hungry. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. There's one up in my room. Johnny. It's two men.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. A fatted calf?. dear. The family must still live here.

But I've seen that face before.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you..A good omen. his voice is like Jonathan's. Aunt Martha. still the high collar. It's Jonathan. You just get out of here. Jonathan. so don't pretend you are. you know. He's a plastic surgeon. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby.. And you. Aunt Martha. You're nothing like Jonathan.... Dr. you're not. . Why. . ... I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Einstein is responsible for that..that Grandma Brewster bought in England. Your nephew. No. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies... Have you been in an accident? My face.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

-Down here. Spenalzo along. Bed.. And it just fits Mr. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. How do we get him in here? Yes. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. . we can't just walk Mr. Come here.. we'll bring him in through the window. See the hole he's digging. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.You remember that.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room... do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. Spenalzo. That's hospitality. as a boy. I forgot to tell you. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. We expect to be very busy. Four feet wide. Quick. six feet long. Rather a good joke on my aunts. I don't have to go into details. Spenalzo in through the door.. I could be disagreeable. .

General Goethals was very pleased. I think Teddy had better take Mr. He said the canal was just the right size. there's been another yellow-fever victim.We're moving the car behind the house. Promise? You have the word of the President . The car is all right where it is until morning. A state secret? Yes. Hoskins? Mr. That might be against the law. You'd better get to bed. No. the poor dear. Hoskins downstairs right away. What are we going to do about Mr. a state secret. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. I don't want to leave it in the street. Teddy. And he's been so patient. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. we must keep it a secret. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there.

when everything's dark here. But you must be very tired. We've never had yellow fever there before.. let's see.. considering that he's a Methodist. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. You can go right up. We're bringing the luggage through here. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. -And we don't go to bed this early. You just come right along and see him now. . Both of you.... It seems to be spreading. And we'll come down later and hold services. I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. . How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy.. And then. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. Cross my heart and hope to die.. Now. Now get along.of the United States. You two run along to bed. Your room is waiting for you.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. . he's really very nice looking. you were out. You know..when I turn out the lights.

-I'll be right up. we'll all go to bed. He's all right. But he's too heavy for me. Aunt Martha.-It's time I came home to take care of you. I'll take a look around outside the house. For the instruments. We must be quick. It's dark in here. Take the bags upstairs. Doctor. And then together we take him down to Panama. When I tap on the glass. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. and I'll stay here and pull. Just off the laboratory. Now. I'll come back later. Aunt Abby. All right. . -All right. I'll open the window. Where am l? Here I am. you open the window. Now! Turn out the lights. Yeah. Run along. Good night. Aunt Abby. Johnny. You go outside and push. You go round and hand him through.

Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. Now I have him. it's Brewster. I mean. Go. Now I got him.Who left this open? Okay. You lost a leg somewhere. somebody's at the door. Help me. I'm a brand-new Brewster. He's so heavy. up! Now. I'll manage Spenalzo. wait a minute. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. He's so heavy. Hand him over. Now I've got him! Johnny. -But his shoe came off. Mortimer. I live next door. -Be careful. Doctor! . quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Allez. Help me. I'm not very used to it. wait a minute. quick. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Go open. Now I have him.

"That explains everything. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. And something of a magician. . May I present Dr. It's okay. -You've heard of me? -Yes. I'm in this house every day. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. . We happen to live here. Einstein? Dr. Now that I know who you are. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. that's all. You don't live here..l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. -You're Jonathan.. I've never seen you before. they talk about you.. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.It's all right.. That explains everything." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.

Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. the cellar. a sneak thief. No visitors. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Go back to your room. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Is that why you came over here? No. -What else did you see? -Just that. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Don't play rough with the gentlemen.I suppose it was you. No! Don't be a tomboy. . Charge! Doctor. I came to see Mortimer. that's all! I see. I'll run--You've given two names. But if he's not home. It's going to be a private funeral. Alice. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar.

-Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother..when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails.-We'll call the police. -Mortimer. Mortimer. he--Wait a minute. . I talk. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer. Go back to your room.... it talks! Yes." Listen. -What? I've come back home. -I'll handle this. Mortimer.. Mortimer. . "I've come back home. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. darling. Mortimer. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Jonathan! -I've come back home.. Einstein. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember..

I'm staying here from now on. I'm staying here tonight. -In fact. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. Now look. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. -What? -Just for tonight. be a good fellow. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. We don't take up much room. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Here's $10. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.. just a moment. Nothing to. I remember. No. Einstein to stay. Please. We invited Jonathan and Dr.. .. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Now.Yeah. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.

you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo. -Killed? Aunt Abby. -Oh. Don't bring anyone else in here.Mortimer. I'll tell you about him. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Spenalzo. I've completely lost track of Mr. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. I'll take care of you. Johnny. . Wait! Who's this Mr. in just a little while. While we are packing. Now. beat it! It's all right. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Doctor. Mortimer. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. that. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Elaine.

I'm afraid of him.. a taxi's waiting.-It was worse than that. .. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Well.. He's some kind of a maniac.. Mr. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. We were married today. Darling. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Yes. -But--Please. Brewster. I got things to do. look. we were going over Niagara Falls. Witherspoon. I don't understand you. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Well.. don't worry about it.. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. please. . . Forget it.your brother tries to strangle me.. -You'd better run along home. I'm here now. I can't hear the man..

darling. wedding ring. darling. I know it's late. taxi. Let me think about this thing. signature. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Thank you.put them in a barrel. Doctor. Yeah. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.I've got the papers all drawn up. By the way. come right away. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down...... . Teddy. windowseat. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. .. I'll get both signatures. well.. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. of course? By the doctor? Oh.

This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. he's mistaken. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. It is not Mr. You admitted you put Mr. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. I did. . Hoskins. dear. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. where is Mr.No. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Hoskins! -By the way. you come in here now! Yes. Hoskins in the windowseat. Yes. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet.

No. And I've also decided that you're leaving. what with Jonathan in the house. I've decided that we're staying.He's down there waiting for the services. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Don't. handsome. Martha. and I mean now. I did. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. poor dear. We haven't had a minute. Mortimer. you admit you poisoned them! Yes.. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there... Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. Are you getting out. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. Listen. . dear. Oh. you come straight along here. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral.

darling. -Yes. I owe you an apology. too. Einstein and that cold companion with him. -Glad to see you.. Well? All right. Officer. Come right in. Mortimer. -No! Come in. Jonathan. Listen. you're a Brewster.. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. You can't ask for more than that. do come in. I've got some very good news for you. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. You're my brother. -Pleased to meet you. in that case. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. This is our nephew. Remember. . And he's taking Dr.Aunt Abby.. Put down that telephone. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Don't reach for the telephone. I'll have to call the police. -And this is another nephew. Spenalzo can happen to you. what happened to Mr. Jonathan is leaving. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you.

I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. Officer O'Hara. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. This is your last chance. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. well. I got to ring in. -I'll be running along. . -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. If you don't leave here. I'm working on a play now. You are? Well.Your face is familiar. All three of you: you. Spenalzo. You can tell me all about it.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. but I can't spell them. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Einstein and Spenalzo. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. Dr. I can spell like the dickens. Mr.

After that. no. We're sleeping right here in this house. let's go. Two old ladies as a front. O'Hara. Okay. We've got a wonderful setup here. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. We can make a fortune. we're coming back here. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Johnny. Right with you. take it easy. Johnny. I never did like Mortimer.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. We're not going. Please. Come. Look. Please! Doctor. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Then if he tries to interfere-No. please. Now get going! All three of you. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Just give me one moment. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. No. you lose your head. But we've got trouble enough as it is.

-Peaches La Tour was her name. Yes. You stay out of this. -Swell.. I worked on it for 12 years. -You're not going? -No. -My mother was an actress. If you tell O'Hara . -Excuse me. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. Mortimer. -Legitimate? Of course. Well. -I like the first act. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. Move fast.in the cellar. we got an ace in the hole. I'll be back in a minute. -I don't know. We're not going. She was my mother. All right. It's no fly-by-night idea.. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. you asked for it. Well. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you.. rehash it.

. . -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Genius at work. I'll meet you there later. I assure you. Bohemian atmosphere. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead... You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. You'd better ring in. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. Lowbrows. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place..what's in the windowseat. This opening will kill you. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.

You won't stand me up. You've got to take him with you! . Did he look guilty! Well.. -I'll see you down there. Where do you. When I come back. will you? This is a great play. Martha. Perish the thought... you ring in and I'll see you later. dear aunties.. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. And speaking of services. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. That was just Mortimer.Look.. You're smug. Yes.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. You haven't. . Well. We thought we heard you leave.. aren't you? You think you've got it over me... The moment the doctor signs. -Can't wait! Doctor. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. I expect to find you gone. Where are those papers? There they are.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. doctor. Jonathan. I think we can start the services now. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's.

-He's one of our gentlemen. He must mean Mr. Spenalzo. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Besides. Mr. The cellar's crowded already. . Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Twelve graves. there's no room for Mr. -But Mr. Hoskins. what we've been doing is a mercy. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. You mean. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. It's one of our charities. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. They're both dead. Doctor. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Hoskins--Mr. Hoskins is no stranger. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Why.

.. 12. You cannot count him.. Arizona..right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. Spenalzo out of here. Johnny. He died of pneumonia.. -Filling.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. one in Melbourne. What? You got 12. one in Sydney.two in San Francisco. they got 12.. You've done all that. Then the first one in London. There's Mr.. .. . You got 12. one in Phoenix. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. . . -Thirteen. Don't brag. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. You cannot count the one in South Bend. That makes 13... I've got 13.. -No. and they do just as good as you do. Spenalzo..So you just take your Mr.. Two in Johannesburg. they got 12. Phoenix? -The filling station..

.. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. but only you can help me. All I need is one more. . -You better wait. Just one more. If you'd talk with him.. Pull up a tombstone.. Gilchrist.. seeing a doctor. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. are they? Well. I'll be right back. I know Teddy blows bugles. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. They are. but I can't commit a man just on that. .l'm sure you'd be convinced. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies..The old ladies is just as good as you are. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.. This is most irregular. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. that's easily taken care of. That's all. Dr. -You wait here. Make yourself comfortable. -Who? What? Did I say.

with a Maxim silencer. thanks. so good. $22. -Do you? -Yes. It gives me a chance to rest.-Hey. Not so good. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. . darling. Well now. Welcome to Washington. President. Certainly. that's that. indeed. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. may I present--Dr. It wouldn't fit me.50." $22. looks good on you! Not the suit. No. yes. So far. of course I love you.50! Oh. -Mr. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. the meter! "Looks good on me. Five more bucks and you'll own it.50! -What? $22. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. is it not? Yes.

darling.. that doesn't mean-No. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. I don't quite know. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. -What are you talking about? -Well.. I'll run for a third term. that's ancient history. I can't go through with our marriage. It practically gallops.. . Darling. Darling. . insanity runs in my family. but you see.well. -That's what you think. -Of course.. It's way back before Teddy... Doctor. I probably should have told you this before. if the country insists. but it's only a matter of time. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. but I won't be elected. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.. I love you so much. Just because Teddy's strange.

Goodbye. What of it? So your family's crazy. It'll just have to be undone. Well. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. Look at your aunts. Ambassador. No. Just go on signing the papers. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. no. go to bed! . all this doesn't prove a thing. -Those papers. They're Brewsters. So you're crazy. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. even they have their peculiarities. sanest people I've ever known. Thank you. but kiss me. drop in to see me at the White House. I'm crazy too... I..Darling. -Go away. Aunt Abby. There's no use doing what you're doing. aren't they? They're the sweetest. That's the way I love you. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. you better stop it. Anytime you're in Washington.

.we're going for the police.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver.. . Nice and smooth like a lake. This is all fixed up nice now. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. -Oh. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Bed feels good already. You're forgetting.. I'll get them out.. All right.. Doctor. If Jonathan and Mr. You know. let him. Spenalzo in together. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. Martha and I are going for the police. Hoskins and Mr. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.

Mortimer. I think this calls for something special. what? . Okay. Look at me. I just heard him upstairs. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Okay. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Or the next day. huh? The quick twist like in London. the Melbourne method. no police! No police! Look. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. No! I am tired. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. But Johnny. Doctor. I think.-Remember. go to bed. You forget. Not the Melbourne method. perhaps. You are going to operate tomorrow. we'll do it. Doctor. We'll do it tomorrow. I know that look. But the quick way. can't you? Yeah. Johnny. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. No. You can see that it's got to be done. Doctor. My brother.

please? -What? Speak up. President. Mr. Mr. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Oh. Mr. President. will you. President. Mr. -Of course. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Don't do that. This must be secret. I see! Very clever. -I'll put on my signing clothes. I can't hear you. Yes. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Mr. You already have them on. . mice? -You get out of this house. Johnny's in a bad mood. What a load off my mind. I can't hear you. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Wait here. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Hey. So I have. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Boy. -Please listen to me. Get out. President. Brewster. What is it.

. -I could use that.he's a madman.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. 1919. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Stop it. when Johnny's in that mood. Don't those plays you see all the time . You've just been married. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan.Are you really a doctor? Yes. Please. -What's that? Wait. but you go now. . Mr. -My schnapps. But. Get going. You beat it before things start popping around here. Horrible things. I'll take care of him. -That's mine.. Heidelberg.. Please listen to me. You take care of yourself. Doc-.. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. please. look. Please go now. little fellow. Only for dramatic critics. Brewster. Please.

He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger.. Isn't that great? So there he is. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. There's a man.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. And does he go? No. he doesn't. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. When you get out of prison. He's even been warned to get out. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. The murderer even invites him to sit down. There's a play that's so bad.. it'll still be running when you get out. Witherspoon.. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. At least people in plays act like they got sense. Now listen to this. .

but does he? No! See.. Yes.. ... my dear brother. Please. Later on. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. Now get a load of this. Johnny. for me.... This fellow's supposed to be bright. Now.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. you may consider that a blessing. brother Heidelberg. were you out of my mind. I've been away for 20 years.a fellow never sees or hears anything. the quick way. I dreamt of you.we go to work. He wasn't very bright. in a play or even in a movie.. That's right. But never. In Melbourne one night. . Mortimer. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. Doctor. All he has to do is look around. . The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Look at the attitude.

Pull yourself together. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. Where did they put it? I found some wine. Where are your manners? Yes. Mortimer. We both have a drink before we operate. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. please. And then they took it. After all. But I cannot see this without the drink. You remember when we came in. That idiot! -He goes next. there was some wine. We drink to you. Let's get it over with. -Please. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . One moment. Please! All right. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. To my dear. That's all. Here. we're performing before a very distinguished critic.-This must be an artistic achievement. dead brother. I'll split it with you.

sure. We're taking the bugle away from him.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. In the second act. I'd better talk to him myself. I'll help you. It's all right. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. The quick way. .. out of a clear sky. yes! If it has to be. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. Yeah. -What happened to him? -Nothing. They practically stole that from my play.-We'll get to him later. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. then the quick way. I see... The quick way. Like a flash. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. ..

.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. Well..He says. It's getting you. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. You ain't heard nothing yet. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. casual-like. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. there's me. I'm in great danger. a fire breaks out. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. ... see? Little do I know it. "Miss Peaches La Tour.. -What? -I personally like it very much. My mother doesn't say they're married. All of a sudden. . I'm walking along my beat. -It's probably over his head. It's an evolving stage. Growing into a magnificent specimen. please. The scene changes. in the meantime. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest..

. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. -Johnny. who the heck is this? Mr. . Right in the middle of the second act. this is Mortimer Brewster. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in.. boys. .. we came to warn the old ladies. Now. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. The Lieutenant's on the warpath.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. so I pulls out my gun.. Brophy. -There's a vacant house on the corner. Get me Mac. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in.. -I heard him.. Did they send you here? No. My play put him to sleep. That's the one that ran away. -He's going to help me write my play. The neighbors are phoning in. I figures I'll outsmart him..when a guy that I'm following. He says we've got to put him away someplace. Brewster's brother. So he came back.

It wasn't that bad. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. I better let them know that I found you. Shall we bring him in? All right. Brewster.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. Yes. don't you? Well. we'll hold him right here. Leave him to me. We found him. you've got me. Brewster. Be careful what you say. Mr. -Come down to the cellar. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Thirteen bodies. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. . 13. -I'll show them to you. So I've been turned in? All right. -Wait a minute. Mr. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. You think my aunts are sweet. The Lieutenant is on his way over. charming old ladies. At the Brewster house. Your aunts are friends of ours.

Go on and fight. Don't bother me now. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. I got him. Amazing. Such a fine day. look. look out! Amazing. . Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Pat. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. He looks like Boris Karloff. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. -Yes. You could use this in the third act. I got something better. Pat. -Go on down the cellar with him. Well. come to the cellar. too. Everybody off. that's enough. Don't! Sarge! Look out. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn.I'll show you where they're buried. -Go to the cellar with him. Look out! Fight. please. That's enough.

Isn't that amazing? Oh. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Get him. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. fight.The papers are all signed. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. What do I care? Go ahead.. That's fine. Wish I could relax like that. . brother. Telephone. please. Don't do that. dear. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. Turn him over.. -Witherspoon. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. That won't have any effect.. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. I've tried it before-It did. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Boris. Thank you very much. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Pat. -Come in.

Now go on.. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. . .you can at least read short detective stories.. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. He says 13 bodies are there. He's a lifer. That's the way they described him.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. Report in. The guy who helped him escape. That's my brother. .. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. He's wanted.. he's wanted. Certainly.. "He looked like Karloff." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. too.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. pal. You're suspended. About my not ringing in. Thirteen bodies in the cellar... You're going to have a long time on that play.

But I'm not myself today. With flatheads like you on the force. I'm Mortimer Brewster. . Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. No. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. Nothing to eat. -Hey. Howdy. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. you. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. This is a spy. I want to question him. you've blown your last bugle. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. We caught him at the White House. keep out of that. Colonel. -Questioning of spies is my department. No sleep. I've been after these guys for 48 hours.Here. Colonel. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Take him out and bring him to. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in.

Any offers? I'm Mr. . -As long as he's going someplace. Last year there was a crazy guy. Just a minute. Look. There's people dumb enough to believe that. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. no argument. No arguments. He's got to be put away. started a murder rumor. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. take it easy. Captain.You're his brother. Witherspoon. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. I know just how you feel. No arguments. I have come to get a Brewster. -I'm waiting for Mr. I'm liable to think anything. Read this. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle.

" Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. This is fun. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. it's chicanery. Brewster? Mr. Let me explain. I'm so glad to see you. all I got to get is Witherspoon. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. He's ready to talk. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Never mind! Give me that pen. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. Now. Witherspoon is here. . -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it.Mr. -Hold him till I get there. -That's fine. That's all right! Do that again for me. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster.

.. -That's good. Something I've been working on. this is Mr.And no wagon when he leaves. I've never been there. It means a great deal to me. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. Why? To take him away? Never. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. secretly. I shan't mind. you know-Captain. never. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. You never can tell. I sometimes envy some of our patients. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. -I've never met a dramatic critic before.. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. I have one waiting now. Witherspoon. -The woods are full of them. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. it's a play. Taxicabs. . You know. You do? It must be a nice place. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. We always.

I must get started immediately. my boy.. Witherspoon. President? Taft! No. -What is this? No. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Taft. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. I have good news for you. this isn't Mr. Aunt Abby.. your guide to Africa. Aunt Martha.-Come. I'll bring down my equipment. Goodbye. This is Captain Rooney. President. Mr. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. I'm on my way to Africa. all signed. Mr. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Your term of office is over. Happy man. -Is this March 4? -Practically. you got it wrong.. It's Mr. Let's see. Now you can take him away.

haven't you? No. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Why not? Why not. dear. jealousy. Now. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. We promise to take his bugle away from him. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. Too dangerous. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up.It's all right. . Dissension. Oh. -We won't be separated from Teddy. too! -Yes. indeed? It's sweet of them. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. How can you allow this? You promised. we're going. ladies. let's be sensible. No. You've come to meet Teddy. he's come to take him. but impossible. You could arrange that. -If he's going. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. -I'm sorry. I've got it. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. you'll have to take us with him. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn.

The graves are all marked. you wouldn't have to dig. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. -How about it? -I'll be right there. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. There are 13 bodies in our cellar... Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. -I'll look in that cellar. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. -I'll tell you what we'll do. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. You just ask our nephew. No. Mortimer. . Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.. He's been a little strange all day. . Things are going to get worse. What? Yes.and we'll get them all together. and we'll send them to Happy Dale.It ain't only his bugle blowing.

-Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. -Flowers? Sure.who doesn't belong here and has to leave... None of mine are gentlemen. we'll sign the papers. There's one down there. If we can go with Teddy. Spenalzo. far away "There is a Happy" He got it.. Smile.. Humor them. "There is a Happy Dale far. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Teddy committed himself. I put neon lights on mine. Hasn't got it yet. Where are they? . . -You mustn't mind him at all. a Mr. -He got married today. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. -Certainly. It's amazing. humor them.

Dr. please. dear. Just sign right here. Now. Einstein. Oh. Maybe I can understand him. right here. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Sign them up. ladies. Doctor. -Good night. It's on the right-hand side there. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Dr. please. Yes.I have them. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. if you'll sign right here. Dr. Doctor? -Yes. Ladies. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. here. I'm so sorry. I'm going out to talk to that spy. A doctor. Doctor. We've overlooked something. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. -Here? -Yes. please. please. I'm really looking forward to going. -Come here. Come along. will you? I want this all cleaned up. -A doctor? -Yes. -Were you leaving. . The neighborhood here has changed so.

Okay. One hundred and forty pounds. You've done Brooklyn a great service. yes. will you? About 40. Thanks. It's your turn. Read it to me. I'm Brewster. . Mr. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Talks with a German accent. Pop eyes. -Don't play games--You sign. Witherport. His accomplice's description is on the circular. It's all right. Don't mind me. You sign as next of kin. Mac. It's contagious. Hello. The doctor has completed the signatures. Five-foot-three. Einstein! -Now. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. That's great! Thanks. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Mac. But Dr. Poses as a doctor. on the desk. Mr. Doc.

-Me too. We're very happy about the whole thing. We don't want anything to go wrong. Now. darling? -Martha.-Spoon. Einstein--But it's not his signature. you signed as next of kin. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -Well. And you were born . don't be worried. of course. -What. -What's wrong about that. Well. -Here. dear. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. darling. President. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. Duffel? Pack his duffel. you know? And bring along my bugle. but that's just it. Mortimer. darling. Come up and pack my duffel. -Mine? You see. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. you tell him. -It's yours. He's President. dear.

So brother married her. I really did see-- . And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. They're off to a flying start. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine.. Quiet! -But. too.we didn't want to lose her. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.. . Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. -Goodbye..about three months afterwards.. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. Your real father was a cook. It's true. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.

We're going to Niagara Falls. Yes. its operators. dear. Mr. Mortimer. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Call me a cab. But. I'm a son of a sea cook. love. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ .You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver.