Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater..he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. I must be catching cold. and now.. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. ... He used to come to see us only occasionally. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.. watch your language..but no man with this published attitude. You'd be surprised .. He's so very much in love with her..Their old man left them fixed for life. Bless you.. Brophy. Don't you call them "the girls. Sister Martha and I are so happy. You know I'm not a swearing man.... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. dear.. Reverend Harper. .. No. .. . .should take any man's daughter anyplace. at any time.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't..." either. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room... That's their way of digging up people to do good to. Remember now.

what they'd consider swearing. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. This is Officer O'Hara. we came for the toys. -Come right in. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Brophy? . sir? It's nice to meet you. I'll go. Brophy. gentlemen. by the library door. absolutely nothing to report. the new man on the beat. Harper from the church next door? Hello. How do you do. -Miss Abby. no. Splendid! Thank you. You know the Reverend Dr. They're all packed. we have nothing to report. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. Teddy. -How do you do. He's taking over my beat. Teddy. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. The toys are on the chair up here. Will you excuse me? No. what news have you brought me? Colonel. Gentlemen. You get tired of playing cards. This is Officer O'Hara. No. Mr. Thank you. At ease. That's splendid work you men do. dear.

Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. They're afraid of him. Please don't bother. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies.. You've done so much already..She's better. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .. . still.. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Isn't it a shame. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. Reverend. I'll make a note. That's right.. I promised I wouldn't swear. Look. .it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. He's an interesting character.. Gentlemen. thank you.. Sarge. Isn't it a shame.. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. But a little weak.and the neighbors raised Cain. Now don't do that again. Teddy. Father.

-Thank you. It'll make a lot of kids happy. No. -Not at all. Sarge. He's taking over my duties. Teddy. -Don't mention it. You bet I will. Hey. Officer O'Hara. Colonel. now. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. The Army and Navy are ready for action. -The children will go crazy. Miss Brewster. Brophy. how do you do? Miss Martha.. -These are lovely.Well. -But the Oregon goes to Australia.. this is grand. Yes. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. put it back. -Now. and thank you very much. dear. -Reverend. So long. Dismissed! . Here's the broth for Mrs. Be sure it's good and hot. you're back.. Colonel. Thank you. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Martha. it goes to Australia.

Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. Young man. That is quite a problem.. indeed. . And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. a long time ago. -Don't mention it.. we thought if he'd be George Washington. .. I must be going. and what's more important... Martha? Once.. Goodbye. -Good night. if he's happy.it might be a change for him. -Well. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill... Well. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. let that be a lesson to you. you're happy.-Goodbye and thank you. Do you remember.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. Yes. and we suggested it. -Careful of the step with the toys.

I didn't know when you'd be back.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. There wasn't time. And I was all alone. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. -No. Martha.. dear.. Dear. sweet Reverend Harper. Did you just have tea? Yes.. I just couldn't wait for you. why? Good news for you. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. and Reverend Harper was coming. -I got along fine. . -But all by yourself. And dinner's going to be late. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. So. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. too. You know. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. dear.

-You ain't seen anything yet. Here's your hat. right out here with everyone looking. -Take her hat. -But. Please! For heaven's sake! But. And her brooch. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. you're going to love me . right out here with everyone looking? Yes. He did? What did he say? -He was against it.. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Hold on to that.Well? Just look in the windowseat. There they are.. Just throw it. -You've got to drive us to the station. But. keep them. Mortimer. -But that was only Sunday. Wait a minute. -It's Elaine! -Hello. -This old cab has seen osculation but. I don't like that look in your eyes. If you find her hairpins. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. darlings. buddy.. Mortimer.

don't tell your father.. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. He's a dear. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. darling. Go on. There.. the bridal suite in the hotel.. We've a room on the train. hurry and pack. I can handle Father. That's what I hate about women. I don't have to. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia.. too? One thing at a time.. Look. There's that look again! "There's that look again. you see! You see? That's what I mean. I started packing the day after I met you.for my mind. You should've seen my secretary's face.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. It goes just before this. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. You'll see it often. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. No. . Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there.. Yes. .

dark streak of light. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. We're married. Hurry. When you whistle. -It'll be a few minutes. And throw in a flock . Hold on to your bustles. -Whistle when you're ready. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Isn't it too. open the front door fast. If you see a tall. Oh. Did you send those roses to Mrs. darling. What? Now? No. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Elaine and I are married. Grand Central Station. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Brewster? Good. it's me.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. here. -Father may want to pray over me. hurry. you two old frauds.

I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. -You won't have time to bake a cake. a wedding cake. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. Did everybody know I was getting married. Of course. we can have our celebration. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'll run along and get everything ready. Well. of course. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. It's all ready. too. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. -And. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. Oh. . A taxi's waiting. I'm going to burn all my books.of orange blossoms. dear. But before you go. You know how your books upset him.

You ought to put that in the fire with my books. reminded me of Jonathan. I saw a play. I know. Just bully. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Mortimer! -How are you. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. thank you. President. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Hello. I'm off to Panama. "Oh. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. you know. Yes. My. dear. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Oh. He'd scare grownups with it. what a face! I remember now. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Mr.Now you behave. A new lock for the canal. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Goodbye. Really? A honey of a lunatic. President? -Bully. goodbye. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Mr. had a character in it. dear! .

Now. Teddy's killed a man. -There's no such hurry as that. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. dear. . When the curtain goes up. darlings. We know. you can't get his mind on anything else. I'm frightfully sorry. At once! -He's in the cellar. look. Get him up here now. The next thing-Hey. When Teddy's working on the canal. Well. but I've got an awful shock for you. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Yes. That's after we're gone. Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. what a play. we talked with Reverend Harper about it.Yeah. mister. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. darlings. -You know? -Of course. listen. dear. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. darling! Never mind that now.

That's really all I know about him.. Wait! Stop all this.. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. dear.Now. Now look. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. Aunt Martha.. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. You mean you. No. When it's in tea. men just don't get into windowseats and die. Mortimer. He died first. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. how did he die? Mortimer. it has a distinct odor. except that he's a Methodist. don't be so inquisitive. Who is he? He's a Mr.. Hoskins. Adam Hoskins. You just forget about it. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. You put it in the wine? ... What the.

Mortimer. tomorrow or next day. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people.. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. . Schultz. And I put Mr. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.Yes. Yes.because Reverend Harper was coming. We must do that. you know all about it and just forget about it.. Abby. She's much better. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. The dears. darling. Now. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . Hoskins in the windowseat. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. It's first-degree. not at tea. but this time we'll go where we want to go.. Look at me. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. That wouldn't have been very nice..

You're too old to be flying off the handle like this.Yes. Mortimer.. Teddy's down in the cellar now. dear.. you can't leave him in there. Now. it is. dear. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. digging the lock. Look. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. We don't intend to. . I want to know what we're going to do. That's what we did with the others. Whatever his name is.. They have so much fun. -We can't turn you over to the police. -Stop worrying about it. Mr. dear. You're going to bury Mr. -But Mr. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. I know what his name is. don't be so impatient. Hoskins. you behave. You can't. We told you to forget the whole thing. dear. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. here. Mortimer. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. Aunt Martha.

I think you're wrong. Abby.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Let me see now. Abby usually is. Hoskins first came in. dear. keep your shirt on! Elaine. dear.. Abby. I really don't think you should count the first one.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. because I remember when Mr. isn't it. No. This is 1 1. But. Makes it 12. I get them mixed up sometimes. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why.. This one is only 1 1 . For heaven's sake. . what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Abby." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. dear. she's probably right.. Abby? No. I didn't mean-- . Hello. dear. dear. When you say "others.. and that makes it 12. I was counting the first one. It does? Well. This makes 12.

He was such a lonely. . he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.Now.to find that same peace..looking so peaceful.. we all took him down to Panama.. Just sit down... then and there. Abby thinks we should count the first one... dear..and he thought Mr. Why. Martha? We made up our minds.. So. .. Midgely. when his heart attack came. who was the first one? Mr.. Tell me..we would. old men.. You mean. . Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.and he sat there dead in that chair... let's see. Never mind about that. Where were we? Twelve... Twelve! Yes. All his kith and kin were dead. He was a Baptist. .. . And that meant he had to be buried immediately...... We felt so sorry for him. ..... you see.. you poor. Remember..that if we could help other lonely. . old gentleman. And then. Teddy came up from digging in Panama.

dear. .then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. . now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it... Of course not! Well.... dear.. Should have quite a kick.... one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " ... Well. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves.because we know exactly what's to be done... .and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial..in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. As a matter of fact. for a gallon of elderberry wine. There. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. ... darling.. so. just a pinch of cyanide. -Mortimer. Wait a minute! Come here. No....l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. And then..

darling. Everybody knows he's crazy. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Winchell's no good. a sip of. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page... We must get that cake frosted. Singing away. What am I doing with tickets? Information.. Teddy! Of course. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Don't worry about the cake.. Who can I call up? Dewey. I couldn't eat a thing.He did? Well. Let me see.. That'd be nice. digging locks. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Winchell? No. La Guardia. He's wonderful. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman .. Happy as a lark. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Let me see. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.

yes. I heard you whistle. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. -Come on! -I'm so sorry.on North Shore Road. please. Brooklyn. Yeah. you! Thought you were tall. -Run on home. . I'll call you up tomorrow. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. dark streak of light. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. -How do I look? -You look fine. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. What's wrong? Look at your hair. What'd you do. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. Something's happened. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi.

he's-It's his bugle blowing. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. about Teddy. darling. You smell so nice. But it's a matter of life and. Judge. Judge..If I could only tell you. -Go to bed. It's very. Elaine. A thing happened. I've got to come over and see you right away. It's about Teddy. . It won't wait until tomorrow. We've got to do something immediately. we were married today. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen.. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. The police want to throw him into a state institution. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. Judge. very important. You better go home! -But.. I'll tell you why I called you.

How do you do? Come in. Now. this would be a nice comfortable chair. I'm Miss Brewster. I'm sorry. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Don't like it. please.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. -Well. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. dear. New York. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Another Miss Brewster. Happy Dale. It's a wonderful place. we can get him to Happy Dale. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Doorbell's ringing. do sit down. -All alone in the world? . we're just setting the table for dinner. And this is my sister. Do step in. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Operator? Give me long distance. I understand you've got a room to rent. -My name's Gibbs.

." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. I don't think I'll like it. Martha. -Dale.. It's elderberry wine. but the cemetery's full of them. we make this ourselves. you've come to just the right house. skoal. -Thank you. Well. I can see the headlines now. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. -No. That's right." when you dig a lock. I'd like to see the room. "A" Iike in "arsenic.-Well. -Do sit down. Well. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. . Please. "D" Iike in "dig. Well. Happy Dale. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes.. The room's upstairs.

.Hello. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. it's wrong... madam. He wouldn't understand. but you've given me an idea! Darling.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. What I mean is. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. Not that. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . I'm not drunk. Don't do that... I'm nervous. People wouldn't understand. murdered.but it's not only against the law. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. Oh.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. .

Oh. Mr. please. Thank you. we want to commit him there immediately. I see. Well. Witherspoon.-. now. Mr. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Oh. . That's too bad. Bonaparte. dear.What? All right.That's amazing. Mr.and it would lead to trouble. Well. thanks.. Mr. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. And if-Oh. operator. dear. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Well. Witherspoon speaking. if your mind is made up. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet... Have you had the papers drawn up? No. How do you do. Witherspoon. if he thought that-Mr. Witherspoon. Brewster. Thank you. do you-I'm fine. Yes. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. .. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Of course.

Now listen. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. Mortimer. darling. I can't talk to you. but I want you to promise me something. we'd have to know what it was first.. I'll sing with you. Get off that thing.. I want you to do one thing for me. Anyway. darling. What on earth could happen to us? Well.. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. -But.. you'll do that little thing for me.. dear. I love you both very much. I'm going to Judge Cullman's.. I can't concentrate. dear. Whosit where he is. . You know I'd do anything for you. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. like good girls. Well.Another Roosevelt. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. don't you? Yes. Oh. I mean.

I'll sit with you! Yeah. The poor dears. You know. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. You promise? Good. well. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Shame! Such a nice hat. that's right. Remember. Oh. What? Stop that. Why? He's just been married. cab! Here you are. anything. What is it? Mr. Yes. Sure. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey.I'll dance with you. I can go faster that way. -Don't open it. . What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. I'm so happy for Elaine. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today.

The family must still live here. . Now I'm glad to escape back into it. dear.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. There's one up in my room. doctor. -Are you sure? -Yes. Johnny. -Do you recognize them? -No. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. As a boy. A fatted calf?. Yes. -Let me look. Come in. I'm so hungry. I'll go. it's a good hideout. and I've never seen them before. This is the home of my youth. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. we'll need another hymnal. As if we were expected. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. they're strangers to me. Look. Johnny. Drink. Johnny. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. -You look. It's two men.

Jonathan.. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Have you been in an accident? My face. ... Aunt Martha.. you're not. But I've seen that face before. .. you know. Why. Your nephew. Aunt Martha. Einstein is responsible for that. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. No... He's a plastic surgeon.. . still the high collar. You just get out of here. so don't pretend you are.that Grandma Brewster bought in England.. You're nothing like Jonathan. his voice is like Jonathan's. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. Dr.A good omen. And you.. It's Jonathan.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

Spenalzo along. See the hole he's digging. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. as a boy. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. we can't just walk Mr.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.... Bed. Rather a good joke on my aunts. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. I forgot to tell you. That's hospitality. We expect to be very busy. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.. I don't have to go into details. . Quick... six feet long. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. And it just fits Mr. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.You remember that. Come here. Spenalzo in through the door.. I could be disagreeable. Four feet wide. -Down here. Spenalzo. we'll bring him in through the window. . How do we get him in here? Yes.

Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. we must keep it a secret. Hoskins downstairs right away. You'd better get to bed. What are we going to do about Mr. He said the canal was just the right size. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. That might be against the law. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. Hoskins? Mr. there's been another yellow-fever victim. No. Promise? You have the word of the President . a state secret. The car is all right where it is until morning. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. A state secret? Yes. I don't want to leave it in the street. And he's been so patient. I think Teddy had better take Mr. the poor dear.We're moving the car behind the house. Teddy. General Goethals was very pleased.

you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. . And then. You two run along to bed. he's really very nice looking. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. And we'll come down later and hold services.. Both of you.. .. Now. But you must be very tired. You just come right along and see him now. considering that he's a Methodist. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. -And we don't go to bed this early.when I turn out the lights. . Cross my heart and hope to die. We're bringing the luggage through here. I've never even seen Mr.. We've never had yellow fever there before..of the United States.. you were out. let's see. You can go right up. It seems to be spreading. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.. Now get along. when everything's dark here. Your room is waiting for you. You know.. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar.

For the instruments. Where am l? Here I am. Aunt Abby.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Take the bags upstairs. We must be quick. He's all right. Aunt Martha. Just off the laboratory. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. But he's too heavy for me. You go outside and push. -I'll be right up. All right. I'll take a look around outside the house. I'll open the window. Johnny. When I tap on the glass. It's dark in here. Yeah. You go round and hand him through. Now! Turn out the lights. I'll come back later. we'll all go to bed. and I'll stay here and pull. Run along. And then together we take him down to Panama. Doctor. -All right. you open the window. Good night. . Now. Aunt Abby.

quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. wait a minute. Go. He's so heavy.Who left this open? Okay. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. -But his shoe came off. Hand him over. I'm not very used to it. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. He's so heavy. Mortimer. Help me. quick. wait a minute. Now I have him. -Be careful. You lost a leg somewhere. I'm a brand-new Brewster. somebody's at the door. I mean. I live next door. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Now I got him. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go open. Allez. Doctor! . up! Now. Help me. it's Brewster. Now I've got him! Johnny. Now I have him.

-I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. ... they talk about you. We happen to live here." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. "That explains everything. I'm in this house every day.. Einstein? Dr. -You're Jonathan. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. . Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. Now that I know who you are.It's all right.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. I've never seen you before. That explains everything. May I present Dr. that's all. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan.. -You've heard of me? -Yes. And something of a magician. It's okay. You don't live here. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.

I came to see Mortimer. No visitors. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. I'll run--You've given two names. No! Don't be a tomboy. Alice. Charge! Doctor. . a sneak thief. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. But if he's not home. that's all! I see.I suppose it was you. the cellar. Go back to your room. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. It's going to be a private funeral. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. -What else did you see? -Just that. Is that why you came over here? No.

when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails.. -What? I've come back home... -I'll handle this. it talks! Yes." Listen. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.. "I've come back home. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Mortimer. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. . Mortimer. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Mortimer. Go back to your room.. Einstein. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Mortimer. I talk. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you..-We'll call the police. darling. he--Wait a minute. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. . -Mortimer..

Yeah. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. We invited Jonathan and Dr.. -In fact.. -What? -Just for tonight. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. I'm staying here from now on. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Einstein to stay. . I'm staying here tonight. No. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Now look. be a good fellow. Now. Please.. I remember. Here's $10. Nothing to. just a moment. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. We don't take up much room.

-Killed? Aunt Abby. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. I've completely lost track of Mr. beat it! It's all right. Don't bring anyone else in here.Mortimer. Now. -Oh. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Doctor. Wait! Who's this Mr. in just a little while. Mr. I'll tell you about him. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Mortimer. . While we are packing. darling? -I almost got killed. Johnny. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Elaine. I'll take care of you. that. Spenalzo.

I got things to do. ..your brother tries to strangle me. Yes. don't worry about it. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0.. we were going over Niagara Falls. please.. I don't understand you. He's some kind of a maniac.. Brewster. I can't hear the man... -He was going to kill me! -Wait. Darling. . a taxi's waiting. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.-It was worse than that. Mr. Well.. Witherspoon. look.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. -What? Go on home like a good girl.. I'm afraid of him. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. Well. -But--Please. Forget it. We were married today. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. -You'd better run along home. I'm here now. .

windowseat. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Let me think about this thing. darling.... What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Doctor. Teddy. signature.I've got the papers all drawn up. By the way. wedding ring. of course? By the doctor? Oh. I'll get both signatures. . well. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. come right away. . be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor....put them in a barrel. Yeah. darling. Thank you. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. I know it's late. taxi.

I did. Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. Hoskins! -By the way. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Yes. It is not Mr. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor.No. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. dear. you come in here now! Yes. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. where is Mr. Hoskins. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. Hoskins in the windowseat. he's mistaken. You admitted you put Mr. . what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in.

. and I mean now.. handsome. poor dear.He's down there waiting for the services. Listen. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. Martha. Oh. No. I did. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. I've decided that we're staying. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Are you getting out. . And I've also decided that you're leaving. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. dear. Don't. We haven't had a minute. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. Mortimer. I'm in no mood to debate the question.. what with Jonathan in the house. you come straight along here.

Mortimer. you're a Brewster. You're my brother.Aunt Abby. . Jonathan is leaving. Come right in. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Jonathan. do come in. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. -Glad to see you. -Pleased to meet you. You can't ask for more than that. Remember. Officer. Spenalzo can happen to you. Put down that telephone.. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. too. in that case. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Don't reach for the telephone. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. I owe you an apology. Well? All right. Listen. -And this is another nephew. This is our nephew. And he's taking Dr. darling. I'll have to call the police.. -No! Come in. -Yes. what happened to Mr. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. I've got some very good news for you..

Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. You can tell me all about it. Mr. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. -I'll be running along. well. Spenalzo. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. I can spell like the dickens. . And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. Officer O'Hara. I got to ring in. but I can't spell them. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. If you don't leave here. Dr. All three of you: you.Your face is familiar. You are? Well.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Einstein and Spenalzo. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. This is your last chance. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. I'm working on a play now. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.

No. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Johnny. please. we're coming back here. Johnny. let's go. Please! Doctor. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Only Mortimer stands in our way. no. We can make a fortune. Just give me one moment. take it easy. We're sleeping right here in this house. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. But we've got trouble enough as it is. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. We've got a wonderful setup here.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. After that. O'Hara. Come. I never did like Mortimer. Two old ladies as a front. Look. you lose your head. Right with you. Now get going! All three of you. Please. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. We're not going. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Okay.

. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. She was my mother. rehash it. Yes. I worked on it for 12 years. We're not going. -Legitimate? Of course. I'll be back in a minute. -Excuse me. If you tell O'Hara . It's no fly-by-night idea... -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. Well. -You're not going? -No. -I don't know. Well. we got an ace in the hole. -Swell. Move fast. -My mother was an actress. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. -I like the first act. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you.in the cellar. -Peaches La Tour was her name. All right. you asked for it. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. Mortimer. You stay out of this.

. . You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. This opening will kill you. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. Bohemian atmosphere. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . You can't tell me in front of those two fellas..l'll tell him what's in the cellar. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Genius at work. I assure you. You'd better ring in. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.what's in the windowseat. I'll meet you there later. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.. Lowbrows. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.

. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's.. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. -I'll see you down there. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Well. And speaking of services. will you? This is a great play. Where are those papers? There they are. . I expect to find you gone... Perish the thought. -Can't wait! Doctor. Where do you. You've got to take him with you! .will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. The moment the doctor signs. Did he look guilty! Well.. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. you ring in and I'll see you later.Look. Jonathan. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. Yes. dear aunties. When I come back.... You won't stand me up. We thought we heard you leave. I think we can start the services now. You're smug. doctor. That was just Mortimer. Martha.. You haven't..

You mean. there's no room for Mr. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Mr. . Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. -He's one of our gentlemen. Doctor. Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Hoskins is no stranger. Spenalzo.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Why. Hoskins--Mr. -But Mr. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. The cellar's crowded already. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Besides. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. It's one of our charities. what we've been doing is a mercy. Hoskins. He must mean Mr. They're both dead. Twelve graves. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet.

Don't brag. Phoenix? -The filling station. they got 12. -Filling.. He died of pneumonia. . You got 12. That makes 13. You've done all that. 12. Johnny.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. and they do just as good as you do.... There's Mr.. . Spenalzo out of here. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world.... Arizona. one in Melbourne.. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. . Two in Johannesburg. -Thirteen.two in San Francisco. What? You got 12. I've got 13. -No. they got 12. .and they stay right here in Brooklyn. one in Sydney. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. one in Phoenix... You cannot count him.. Then the first one in London. Spenalzo.. You cannot count the one in South Bend..So you just take your Mr..

. Pull up a tombstone. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. but only you can help me... are they? Well. that's easily taken care of.l'm sure you'd be convinced. They are. I know Teddy blows bugles. but I can't commit a man just on that. -You better wait. That's all. I'll be right back. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. If you'd talk with him. Gilchrist. -You wait here. This is most irregular.The old ladies is just as good as you are.. Dr. -Who? What? Did I say. Make yourself comfortable. All I need is one more. . I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. seeing a doctor. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. Just one more... -In the cemetery? It's Halloween... The pixies won't be out till after midnight.

It wouldn't fit me. that's that. Certainly. indeed. Welcome to Washington. -Do you? -Yes. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Well now.50! Oh. the meter! "Looks good on me. thanks. with a Maxim silencer. So far. yes. may I present--Dr. looks good on you! Not the suit. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. darling.-Hey. . It gives me a chance to rest. is it not? Yes. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year.50.50! -What? $22. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. -Mr. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. No." $22. $22. of course I love you. so good. Not so good. President.

-That's what you think. It practically gallops. Darling. darling. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. Just because Teddy's strange. I can't go through with our marriage. -Of course. that's ancient history. I don't quite know. I love you so much.. Doctor.. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. but I won't be elected. insanity runs in my family. if the country insists. Darling. but you see.well. . but it's only a matter of time. . that doesn't mean-No. It's way back before Teddy. I probably should have told you this before. -What are you talking about? -Well.... I'll run for a third term... This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House.

-Those papers. Aunt Abby. I've enjoyed this little talk very much.Darling. Goodbye. Thank you. It'll just have to be undone. No. Just go on signing the papers.. Anytime you're in Washington. drop in to see me at the White House. That's the way I love you. -Go away. go to bed! . all this doesn't prove a thing. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. Well. I. sanest people I've ever known. no. There's no use doing what you're doing. even they have their peculiarities. Look at your aunts. you better stop it. Ambassador. So you're crazy. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. aren't they? They're the sweetest. They're Brewsters. I'm crazy too.. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. What of it? So your family's crazy.. but kiss me.

This is all fixed up nice now. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. let him. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. .. -Oh. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. I'll get them out. You know. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. All right.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. If Jonathan and Mr.. Spenalzo in together. .. Doctor.. Bed feels good already.we're going for the police. Hoskins and Mr. You're forgetting. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Martha and I are going for the police. Nice and smooth like a lake.

It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. But Johnny. No! I am tired. Johnny. You can see that it's got to be done. I think this calls for something special. Or the next day. Okay. Doctor. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. huh? The quick twist like in London. what? . we'll do it. I think. Mortimer. can't you? Yeah. Doctor. Doctor. Look at me. not tonight! I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow. no police! No police! Look. I just heard him upstairs. No. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. But the quick way. go to bed. My brother. Okay. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. the Melbourne method. You forget. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Not the Melbourne method.-Remember. You are going to operate tomorrow. I know that look. perhaps.

Get out! -Stop underplaying. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Mr. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Johnny's in a bad mood. President. . -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Mr. This must be secret. Wait here. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. I see! Very clever. President. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -Of course. Mr. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. I can't hear you. will you. Yes. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. What a load off my mind. Hey. Get out. Brewster. please? -What? Speak up. What is it. Mr. -Please listen to me. mice? -You get out of this house. Oh. I can't hear you. Mr. Don't do that. You already have them on. A secret proclamation? How unusual. President. Boy. So I have.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. President.

1919. Please go now. look. . Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Please listen to me. when Johnny's in that mood. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Only for dramatic critics. -What's that? Wait. Please. Mr. Heidelberg.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Brewster. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. I'll take care of him. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Don't those plays you see all the time . but you go now. -I could use that. -That's mine. Please..Are you really a doctor? Yes. He's a maniac! And then things happen.. But. please. -My schnapps. You've just been married.. Horrible things.he's a madman. Doc-.. You beat it before things start popping around here. Get going. Stop it. little fellow. You take care of yourself.

it'll still be running when you get out.. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater.. . all waiting to be trussed up and gagged.. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. Now listen to this. He's even been warned to get out. Isn't that great? So there he is. Witherspoon.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. There's a man. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. he doesn't. There's a play that's so bad. And does he go? No. At least people in plays act like they got sense. When you get out of prison. The murderer even invites him to sit down.

. Yes. in a play or even in a movie. This fellow's supposed to be bright.. you may consider that a blessing. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Later on. Johnny. He wasn't very bright. .. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged.. Please.we go to work. brother Heidelberg. Now. But never. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. Look at the attitude. In Melbourne one night. were you out of my mind. All he has to do is look around. . but does he? No! See. I dreamt of you. .. for me. Doctor. I've been away for 20 years. Now get a load of this. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer.a fellow never sees or hears anything. Mortimer.. That's right.. my dear brother. the quick way..

Where are your manners? Yes. there was some wine. please. Here. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Pull yourself together. And then they took it. Please! All right. Let's get it over with. To my dear. We drink to you. I'll split it with you. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Where did they put it? I found some wine. You remember when we came in. That's all. But I cannot see this without the drink. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. -Please. dead brother. After all. Mortimer. We both have a drink before we operate. One moment. That idiot! -He goes next.-This must be an artistic achievement.

just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. . out of a clear sky. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. I see. Like a flash. -What happened to him? -Nothing. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. The quick way. I'll help you.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. yes! If it has to be. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.. We're taking the bugle away from him.-We'll get to him later. sure. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. . They practically stole that from my play. In the second act. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. I'd better talk to him myself. Yeah.. The quick way.. It's all right.. then the quick way.

I'm in great danger. in the meantime. there's me. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. -What? -I personally like it very much.He says. It's an evolving stage.. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep.... I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. casual-like. "Miss Peaches La Tour.. Well. It's getting you. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. All of a sudden. see? Little do I know it. a fire breaks out. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. The scene changes. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. -It's probably over his head. You ain't heard nothing yet. please. My mother doesn't say they're married. I'm walking along my beat. .but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. .. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. Growing into a magnificent specimen.

-I heard him.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. . who the heck is this? Mr. The neighbors are phoning in. -Johnny. My play put him to sleep. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. -He's going to help me write my play. So he came back. Get me Mac. Did they send you here? No. -The colonel blew that bugle again. He says we've got to put him away someplace. Right in the middle of the second act. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. -There's a vacant house on the corner.. Brewster's brother. Now. this is Mortimer Brewster. so I pulls out my gun. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. Brophy... The Lieutenant's on the warpath.. we came to warn the old ladies.when a guy that I'm following.. I figures I'll outsmart him. boys. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. .. That's the one that ran away.

Yes. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Thirteen bodies. you've got me. Brewster. The Lieutenant is on his way over. It wasn't that bad. Be careful what you say. -Wait a minute. -Come down to the cellar. We found him. At the Brewster house. Mr. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. don't you? Well. 13. So I've been turned in? All right. I better let them know that I found you. charming old ladies. Mr.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. -I'll show them to you. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Leave him to me. we'll hold him right here. Shall we bring him in? All right. Your aunts are friends of ours. Brewster. You think my aunts are sweet. .

Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Everybody off. look. -Go to the cellar with him.I'll show you where they're buried. He looks like Boris Karloff. I got him. Such a fine day. Pat. . I got something better. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Don't bother me now. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Go on and fight. please. come to the cellar. That's enough. Well. -Go on down the cellar with him. -Yes. that's enough. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing. Pat. too. look out! Amazing. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Look out! Fight. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. You could use this in the third act.

Don't do that. Wish I could relax like that. What do I care? Go ahead. Thank you very much. Telephone. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Boris. -Witherspoon. I've tried it before-It did.. fight. dear. -Come in. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Turn him over. please. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.The papers are all signed. That's fine. That won't have any effect. brother.. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Get him. . I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Pat. Isn't that amazing? Oh.. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff.

Now go on.you can at least read short detective stories. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. He says 13 bodies are there.." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. Certainly. You're suspended. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. That's the way they described him.. You're going to have a long time on that play. he's wanted. "He looked like Karloff. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. The guy who helped him escape. That's my brother. .. .. About my not ringing in.. Report in.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. He's a lifer.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. . He's wanted. too.. pal.

Who are you? What's your name? Usually. I'm Mortimer Brewster. -Questioning of spies is my department. No sleep. .Here. you've blown your last bugle. -Hey. No. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. I want to question him. you. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. We caught him at the White House. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. With flatheads like you on the force. But I'm not myself today. This is a spy. Colonel. Nothing to eat. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Take him out and bring him to. Colonel. Howdy. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. keep out of that.

-As long as he's going someplace. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. I'm liable to think anything. Any offers? I'm Mr. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. There's people dumb enough to believe that. started a murder rumor. Read this. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. I have come to get a Brewster. Look. I know just how you feel. take it easy. Captain. -I'm waiting for Mr. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight.You're his brother. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Witherspoon. He's got to be put away. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Just a minute. No arguments. No arguments. Last year there was a crazy guy. . no argument. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours.

Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. He's ready to talk. -That's fine. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. I'm so glad to see you. all I got to get is Witherspoon. -Hold him till I get there. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. This is fun. Never mind! Give me that pen. Brewster? Mr. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. . it's chicanery. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Let me explain.Mr." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. Witherspoon is here. That's all right! Do that again for me. Now.

He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. Witherspoon. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Taxicabs. . You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. never. Something I've been working on. -The woods are full of them.. I shan't mind. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. it's a play. You know. I sometimes envy some of our patients. -That's good. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I've never been there. We always. this is Mr. secretly. you know-Captain. You do? It must be a nice place. It means a great deal to me.. Why? To take him away? Never.And no wagon when he leaves. You never can tell. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. I have one waiting now.

Witherspoon.. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. I'll bring down my equipment. I must get started immediately. my boy. you got it wrong. your guide to Africa. -What is this? No. Aunt Abby. President. This is Captain Rooney. It's Mr.-Come. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Mr. I'm on my way to Africa. Aunt Martha. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. all signed. Taft. -Is this March 4? -Practically. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Now you can take him away. Goodbye. President? Taft! No. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. this isn't Mr. Mr. Your term of office is over. Happy man. Let's see... I have good news for you.

we're going. let's be sensible. you'll have to take us with him. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. No. Why not? Why not. indeed? It's sweet of them. but impossible. dear. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. -I'm sorry. he's come to take him. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again.It's all right. How can you allow this? You promised. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. You could arrange that. . he can't go now! We won't permit it. ladies. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. Dissension. You've come to meet Teddy. too! -Yes. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Too dangerous. We promise to take his bugle away from him. -If he's going. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Now. Oh. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. haven't you? No. -We won't be separated from Teddy. I've got it. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. jealousy.

There are 13 bodies in our cellar. -How about it? -I'll be right there. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. Things are going to get worse. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. He's been a little strange all day. . -I'll tell you what we'll do. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. you wouldn't have to dig.It ain't only his bugle blowing. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.and we'll get them all together. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. Mortimer... You just ask our nephew. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. And there are hundreds more up in the attic.. -I'll look in that cellar. No. What? Yes. . We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. The graves are all marked.

-You mustn't mind him at all. we'll sign the papers. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. It's amazing. Humor them. If we can go with Teddy. a Mr.. There's one down there. Where are they? . Teddy committed himself. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. -Flowers? Sure. -He got married today. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better.. . Spenalzo. -Certainly... Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.-We put flowers on them every Sunday.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. "There is a Happy Dale far. I put neon lights on mine. Hasn't got it yet. None of mine are gentlemen. Smile. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. humor them.

please. A doctor. We've overlooked something.I have them. I'm really looking forward to going. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. . here. please. Just sign right here. dear. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. -Good night. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. -Were you leaving. Dr. -Come here. Sign them up. Oh. Dr. The neighborhood here has changed so. if you'll sign right here. It's on the right-hand side there. -Here? -Yes. Doctor? -Yes. Maybe I can understand him. Come along. I'm so sorry. Doctor. -A doctor? -Yes. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Now. please. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. please. Einstein. right here. Ladies. Yes. will you? I want this all cleaned up. ladies. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Dr. Doctor.

Mac. Thanks. Five-foot-three. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. It's your turn. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. The doctor has completed the signatures. Doc. Okay.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. One hundred and forty pounds. will you? About 40. . Einstein! -Now. Read it to me. Hello. You sign as next of kin. Don't mind me. It's contagious. Witherport. on the desk. Pop eyes. yes. Mr. But Dr. -Don't play games--You sign. Poses as a doctor. It's all right. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Mr. Talks with a German accent. Mac. You've done Brooklyn a great service. That's great! Thanks. I'm Brewster.

-It's yours. you signed as next of kin. And you were born . -What's wrong about that. We don't want anything to go wrong. -Mine? You see.-Spoon. -What. Einstein--But it's not his signature. of course. Now. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. President. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. Mortimer. Well. darling. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. you know? And bring along my bugle. -Here. dear. We're very happy about the whole thing. you tell him. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. but that's just it. dear. Come up and pack my duffel. don't be worried. darling? -Martha. -Well. darling. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -Me too. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. He's President.

. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. Your real father was a cook.about three months afterwards. Quiet! -But. I really did see-- . Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye.we didn't want to lose her. too.. It's true. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. They're off to a flying start... I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. . So brother married her. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. -Goodbye. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.

Brewster! I'm not a Brewster.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Call me a cab. Yes. dear. its operators. We're going to Niagara Falls. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. love. But. I'm a son of a sea cook. Mr. Mortimer.

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