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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
Brophy. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. No.should take any man's daughter anyplace. Bless you.. . He used to come to see us only occasionally. Reverend Harper..they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.. .. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't...but no man with this published attitude. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. Sister Martha and I are so happy..he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.. He's so very much in love with her. Don't you call them "the girls. at any time.. .." either... I must be catching cold.. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. watch your language. dear.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.. You'd be surprised . . That's their way of digging up people to do good to.. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed... ..Their old man left them fixed for life. Remember now. and now. You know I'm not a swearing man.
The toys are on the chair up here. I'll go. sir? It's nice to meet you. absolutely nothing to report. dear. That's splendid work you men do. Harper from the church next door? Hello. No. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. -Miss Abby. Brophy? . Will you excuse me? No. the new man on the beat. Thank you.what they'd consider swearing. what news have you brought me? Colonel. -Come right in. You get tired of playing cards. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. You know the Reverend Dr. He's taking over my beat. Brophy. we came for the toys. gentlemen. Gentlemen. This is Officer O'Hara. we have nothing to report. Teddy. -How do you do. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Teddy. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Mr. by the library door. This is Officer O'Hara. Splendid! Thank you. At ease. no. They're all packed. How do you do.
thank you.. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. They're afraid of him. still. . Reverend. Now don't do that again... But a little weak.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Isn't it a shame. You've done so much already. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.. That's right. Isn't it a shame.. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. . Sarge..She's better. Gentlemen. He's an interesting character. I promised I wouldn't swear. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. Please don't bother. Look. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her... Teddy. I'll make a note. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . Father.and the neighbors raised Cain..
. you're back.Well. Hey. dear. Be sure it's good and hot.. and thank you very much. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon.. Colonel. Thank you. -Thank you. He's taking over my duties. Sarge. put it back. Officer O'Hara. -Don't mention it. So long. -Not at all. it goes to Australia. You bet I will. Martha. -These are lovely. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. The Army and Navy are ready for action. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Here's the broth for Mrs. this is grand. Miss Brewster. Teddy. Brophy. -Reverend. -Now. now. how do you do? Miss Martha. It'll make a lot of kids happy. No. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. Dismissed! . -The children will go crazy. Colonel. Yes.
you're happy.. a long time ago. -Good night.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.. Martha? Once. That is quite a problem. Do you remember.. and we suggested it. Young man.it might be a change for him.. let that be a lesson to you... . -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. I must be going. -Careful of the step with the toys. Yes. indeed. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. . -Don't mention it.-Goodbye and thank you. if he's happy. Well. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. we thought if he'd be George Washington. and what's more important. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. -Well. Goodbye..
You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Dear.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. too.. and Reverend Harper was coming. There wasn't time. .. And I was all alone. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. why? Good news for you. I didn't know when you'd be back.. dear. -I'll run right downstairs and see. sweet Reverend Harper. -No. And dinner's going to be late. Did you just have tea? Yes. I just couldn't wait for you. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. So. Martha. -But all by yourself. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. You know. dear. -I got along fine.
-It's Elaine! -Hello. keep them. Wait a minute. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. Here's your hat. Mortimer. And her brooch. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -Take her hat. Mortimer. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. Just throw it.Well? Just look in the windowseat. -This old cab has seen osculation but. -But. right out here with everyone looking? Yes.. Please! For heaven's sake! But.. There they are. I don't like that look in your eyes. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. you're going to love me . right out here with everyone looking. darlings. But. Hold on to that. -You ain't seen anything yet. -But that was only Sunday. -You've got to drive us to the station.. If you find her hairpins. buddy.
.. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. darling.. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. He's a dear. you see! You see? That's what I mean. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. Look.. I started packing the day after I met you. hurry and pack.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. the bridal suite in the hotel. . You should've seen my secretary's face.. I don't have to. too? One thing at a time..for my mind. don't tell your father. There's that look again! "There's that look again. It goes just before this. No. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog.. That's what I hate about women. Go on. There. Yes.. You'll see it often. We've a room on the train. I can handle Father. Mortimer! " You better get used to it.
not now! Look surprised when he tells us. -Whistle when you're ready. Grand Central Station. If you see a tall. open the front door fast. -Father may want to pray over me. And throw in a flock . When you whistle. dark streak of light. Hold on to your bustles. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. hurry. darling. Brewster? Good. -It'll be a few minutes. Isn't it too. you two old frauds. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. We're married. Elaine and I are married. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. it's me. Oh. What? Now? No.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. here. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Hurry.
It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her.of orange blossoms. -And. We're going to Niagara Falls. a wedding cake. too. dear. of course. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. Of course. Well. But before you go. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. I'll run along and get everything ready. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. Did everybody know I was getting married. we can have our celebration. I'm going to burn all my books. You know how your books upset him. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. A taxi's waiting. Oh. . It's all ready. -You won't have time to bake a cake. you've got the nicest nephew in the world.
Goodbye. I saw a play. President? -Bully. reminded me of Jonathan. Isn't it wonderful? Well. He'd scare grownups with it. Just bully. dear! . what a face! I remember now. Oh. I'm off to Panama. dear. Mortimer! -How are you. had a character in it. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Yes. thank you. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. President. you know. Mr. "Oh. I know. goodbye. Hello. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me.Now you behave. My. A new lock for the canal. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Mr.
you can't get his mind on anything else. Teddy's killed a man. darlings. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Well. what a play. darlings. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. . mister. Get him up here now. We know. Yes. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. I'm frightfully sorry. That's after we're gone. -There's no such hurry as that. dear. the first thing you see is a dead body. -You know? -Of course. The next thing-Hey.Yeah. When Teddy's working on the canal. look. listen. Now. but I've got an awful shock for you. At once! -He's in the cellar. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Yes. darling! Never mind that now. dear. When the curtain goes up.
it has a distinct odor.. That's really all I know about him. Wait! Stop all this. You mean you. You just forget about it.. Now look. You put it in the wine? .. Mortimer. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. No.. Aunt Martha. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. Hoskins. When it's in tea. Adam Hoskins. dear.Now. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. He died first. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.. What the. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. men just don't get into windowseats and die. how did he die? Mortimer. don't be so inquisitive. Who is he? He's a Mr. except that he's a Methodist.
We must do that. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Look at me. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. She's much better. And I put Mr.because Reverend Harper was coming. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again.. Hoskins in the windowseat. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. The dears. That wouldn't have been very nice. but this time we'll go where we want to go. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Mortimer. .. Yes.. not at tea. Abby. Schultz. you know all about it and just forget about it.Yes. darling. Now. It's first-degree.. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. tomorrow or next day.
-Lick the bowl? I don't want to. you behave. -But Mr. dear. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. We don't intend to. Mr. Whatever his name is. Now. That's what we did with the others. . You're going to bury Mr. Teddy's down in the cellar now. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. -Stop worrying about it. Mortimer.. dear.Yes.. you can't leave him in there. I know what his name is. Hoskins.. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. -We'll let you lick the bowl. I want to know what we're going to do. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. don't be so impatient. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. We told you to forget the whole thing. it is. They have so much fun. You can't. dear. -We can't turn you over to the police. Aunt Martha. dear. Mortimer. digging the lock. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. here. Look.
. This is 1 1. keep your shirt on! Elaine. I get them mixed up sometimes. Makes it 12. ... she's probably right. I was counting the first one. This one is only 1 1 . dear. Abby. because I remember when Mr. No. Abby. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. isn't it. I really don't think you should count the first one. Hello. When you say "others. Hoskins first came in. I didn't mean-- . It does? Well. dear. But. dear. Let me see now.-Others? -The other gentlemen. I think you're wrong. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. For heaven's sake. dear. and that makes it 12.. Abby? No. dear. Abby. This makes 12.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. Abby usually is." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes.
we all took him down to Panama.. Never mind about that. So.. who was the first one? Mr.and he sat there dead in that chair.. And then.that if we could help other lonely. . All his kith and kin were dead. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim..... He was such a lonely. when his heart attack came. . Twelve! Yes. Abby thinks we should count the first one. Martha? We made up our minds. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. old gentleman..we would..Now. . Teddy came up from digging in Panama. Midgely...... Remember... . Where were we? Twelve. you see. Tell me.. then and there. dear.... he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. Just sit down. Why. You mean. you poor. old men.. .. . let's see.looking so peaceful... ..and he thought Mr. We felt so sorry for him...to find that same peace. He was a Baptist..
. .and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. dear. for a gallon of elderberry wine. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. dear. Should have quite a kick. so........ one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . And then.. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. .. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. .... Of course not! Well.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. There. .l take one teaspoonful of arsenic..... No. darling.. -Mortimer.because we know exactly what's to be done... just a pinch of cyanide. Well. As a matter of fact. Wait a minute! Come here..
You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Let me see. Everybody knows he's crazy. Winchell? No. Let me see. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. That'd be nice. Happy as a lark. darling. Winchell's no good. Teddy! Of course. Singing away. Who can I call up? Dewey..He did? Well.. He's wonderful. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. La Guardia. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number... a sip of. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. What am I doing with tickets? Information. We must get that cake frosted. I couldn't eat a thing... digging locks. Don't worry about the cake.
You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. -Run on home.on North Shore Road. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. . Brooklyn. What'd you do. Yeah. I heard you whistle. dark streak of light. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. Something's happened. -How do I look? -You look fine. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. you! Thought you were tall. yes. I'll call you up tomorrow. please. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. What's wrong? Look at your hair. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey.
.. Judge. You better go home! -But. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. we were married today. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. very important. -Go to bed. Judge. You smell so nice. I've got to come over and see you right away. It won't wait until tomorrow. Elaine. We've got to do something immediately. I'll tell you why I called you. he's-It's his bugle blowing. Judge. The police want to throw him into a state institution.. darling.If I could only tell you. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. about Teddy.. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. But it's a matter of life and. It's very. It's about Teddy. A thing happened.
-Well. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Do step in. How do you do? Come in. I'm Miss Brewster. Another Miss Brewster. this would be a nice comfortable chair. New York. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. -All alone in the world? . we're just setting the table for dinner. Happy Dale. And this is my sister. -My name's Gibbs. Operator? Give me long distance. Doorbell's ringing. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. It's a wonderful place. I'm sorry. dear. please. do sit down. Now. I understand you've got a room to rent. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. we can get him to Happy Dale. Don't like it.
Martha." when you dig a lock. I can see the headlines now. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. I'd like to see the room. we make this ourselves. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. "D" Iike in "dig.. Well. but the cemetery's full of them. Well. -Do sit down. Please.-Well." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. you've come to just the right house. I don't think I'll like it. Well.. It's elderberry wine. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. -Dale. That's right.. The room's upstairs. skoal. -No. "A" Iike in "arsenic. . like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Happy Dale. -Thank you.
This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? ... Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.Hello. Not that. What I mean is. I'm nervous... madam. He wouldn't understand. Oh. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No.but it's not only against the law. Don't do that. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. it's wrong.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. murdered. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. I'm not drunk. People wouldn't understand... but you've given me an idea! Darling. . killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look.
Thank you. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Mr. if your mind is made up. do you-I'm fine. dear. Mr. Thank you. And if-Oh. Witherspoon speaking. we want to commit him there immediately. Oh. Bonaparte.What? All right. operator. That's too bad. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. dear. How do you do. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Brewster.. Witherspoon. Witherspoon. Well. . thanks.and it would lead to trouble. if he thought that-Mr.. Of course.That's amazing. now. I see.. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. please. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Witherspoon. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Oh. . Well. Brewster? How are you? Mr.-. Mr. Mr. Well. Yes.. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present.
won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. dear. you'll do that little thing for me. dear. but I want you to promise me something. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes.. I can't talk to you. Whosit where he is.Another Roosevelt. Mortimer. I want you to do one thing for me. You know I'd do anything for you. like good girls. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. -But. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. What on earth could happen to us? Well. Now listen... Get off that thing. Well... we'd have to know what it was first. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. darling. darling. Anyway.. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. Oh. I mean. I'll sing with you. don't you? Yes. I love you both very much. . I can't concentrate.
You promise? Good.I'll dance with you. Oh. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. -Don't open it. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. I can go faster that way. I'm so happy for Elaine. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. anything. Why? He's just been married. . Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. What is it? Mr. Yes. that's right. Sure. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. You know. I'll sit with you! Yeah. The poor dears. Remember. well. What? Stop that. Shame! Such a nice hat. cab! Here you are.
Come in. There's one up in my room. . doctor. -You look. and I've never seen them before. I'm so hungry. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Johnny. Drink. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. Yes. As a boy. dear. -Do you recognize them? -No. As if we were expected. it's a good hideout. Look. The family must still live here. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. they're strangers to me. I'll go. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. A fatted calf?. It's two men. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. we'll need another hymnal. Johnny.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. -Are you sure? -Yes. Johnny. -Let me look. This is the home of my youth.
I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. You just get out of here.. Your nephew. . Have you been in an accident? My face. It's Jonathan. so don't pretend you are. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. you know.. . Why.. Einstein is responsible for that. his voice is like Jonathan's.A good omen..to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you... No. Dr.. But I've seen that face before... You're nothing like Jonathan. you're not. still the high collar. Jonathan. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. And you. Aunt Martha. . Aunt Martha. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby.. He's a plastic surgeon.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
Four feet wide. as a boy.. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. we can't just walk Mr.. And it just fits Mr. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.. . . -Down here. See the hole he's digging. Spenalzo along. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. We expect to be very busy. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. six feet long. I could be disagreeable.. we'll bring him in through the window. Spenalzo in through the door. Spenalzo. That's hospitality.. Come here. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.. How do we get him in here? Yes.You remember that. I don't have to go into details. Bed.. I forgot to tell you. Quick. Rather a good joke on my aunts. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.
The car is all right where it is until morning. Promise? You have the word of the President . You'd better get to bed. That might be against the law. the poor dear. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. a state secret. Teddy. I think Teddy had better take Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away. Hoskins? Mr. General Goethals was very pleased. And he's been so patient. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. No. What are we going to do about Mr.We're moving the car behind the house. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. there's been another yellow-fever victim. He said the canal was just the right size. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. we must keep it a secret. I don't want to leave it in the street. A state secret? Yes.
. . I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. We're bringing the luggage through here.. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. considering that he's a Methodist. I've never even seen Mr. -And we don't go to bed this early.. Cross my heart and hope to die.when I turn out the lights. You can go right up. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.. You just come right along and see him now. let's see. And then. . But you must be very tired. .. Now.of the United States. Both of you. You two run along to bed. Now get along. We've never had yellow fever there before. he's really very nice looking.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. You know. And we'll come down later and hold services.. It seems to be spreading. you were out. Your room is waiting for you... when everything's dark here.
Now. We must be quick. Run along. When I tap on the glass. You go round and hand him through. . I'll take a look around outside the house. But he's too heavy for me. And then together we take him down to Panama. -All right. Now! Turn out the lights. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Yeah. It's dark in here. Where am l? Here I am. Just off the laboratory. you open the window. You go outside and push. He's all right. -I'll be right up. Good night. and I'll stay here and pull. I'll come back later.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Take the bags upstairs. Johnny. I'll open the window. Aunt Martha. For the instruments. Aunt Abby. we'll all go to bed. Aunt Abby. All right. Doctor.
Allez.Who left this open? Okay. Help me. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. somebody's at the door. it's Brewster. I'll manage Spenalzo. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. up! Now. I mean. I'm not very used to it. -Be careful. Mortimer. Now I've got him! Johnny. quick. Now I have him. I live next door. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Now I got him. He's so heavy. Go open. wait a minute. Now I have him. He's so heavy. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Help me. Doctor! . You lost a leg somewhere. -But his shoe came off. Hand him over. Go. wait a minute.
Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.. that's all. It's okay. You don't live here.. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. they talk about you. That explains everything.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. -You've heard of me? -Yes. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan... I've never seen you before. And something of a magician. . . We happen to live here. May I present Dr. I'm in this house every day. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.It's all right. Now that I know who you are. -You're Jonathan. Einstein? Dr. "That explains everything.
Charge! Doctor. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. the cellar.I suppose it was you. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. It's going to be a private funeral. I'll run--You've given two names. that's all! I see. Alice. Go back to your room. But if he's not home. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. -What else did you see? -Just that. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. a sneak thief. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. No! Don't be a tomboy. . I came to see Mortimer. No visitors. Is that why you came over here? No.
. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Mortimer. "I've come back home. -What? I've come back home..-We'll call the police." Listen. -Mortimer. -I'll handle this.. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother.. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now.. Do you hear me? Don't answer that.. Mortimer. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr... . darling.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. I talk. he--Wait a minute. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. it talks! Yes. Mortimer. Einstein. Go back to your room. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Mortimer.
We invited Jonathan and Dr. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away.Yeah.. Now.. I'm staying here from now on. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Here's $10. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. just a moment. I remember. No. .. Now look. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. -In fact. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. Nothing to. Einstein to stay. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Please. We don't take up much room. -What? -Just for tonight. I'm staying here tonight. be a good fellow. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. and I'll sleep on the windowseat.
How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Mortimer. While we are packing. that. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Doctor. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. . I'll tell you about him. I'll take care of you. in just a little while. Spenalzo. Don't bring anyone else in here. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. I've completely lost track of Mr. Now. Wait! Who's this Mr. Elaine. Johnny.Mortimer. Mr. -Oh. beat it! It's all right. darling? -I almost got killed. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter.
We were married today.your brother tries to strangle me.-It was worse than that. -You'd better run along home...and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Well. Yes. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Darling. Witherspoon. Forget it. I'm here now.. . look. a taxi's waiting. I can't hear the man. I got things to do. He's some kind of a maniac. -What? Go on home like a good girl... don't worry about it. please.. Mr. .. -But--Please. Well. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. we were going over Niagara Falls. . Brewster. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. I'm afraid of him. I don't understand you.
windowseat. Teddy. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Let me think about this thing. darling.. wedding ring. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. of course? By the doctor? Oh. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Doctor. taxi. Thank you... darling. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. come right away. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.. Yeah. . By the way.put them in a barrel.. I'll get both signatures. I know it's late. well. signature. ...I've got the papers all drawn up. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.
Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. . where is Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. You admitted you put Mr. he's mistaken. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Yes. you come in here now! Yes. Hoskins in the windowseat. I did. Mr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in.No. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. It is not Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. dear. Hoskins. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins! -By the way.
How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. No. dear. Are you getting out. what with Jonathan in the house. And I've also decided that you're leaving. and I mean now. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. Listen.. . We haven't had a minute. Don't. I'm in no mood to debate the question. handsome. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat.. I've decided that we're staying.. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. I did.He's down there waiting for the services. Mortimer. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. Oh. poor dear. Martha. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. you come straight along here.
Well? All right. -No! Come in. You can't ask for more than that. -And this is another nephew.. -Glad to see you. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. you're a Brewster. This is our nephew. -Yes. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Don't reach for the telephone. darling. do come in. too. Spenalzo can happen to you. Come right in.. Put down that telephone. Mortimer. what happened to Mr. I'll have to call the police. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Remember. Officer. I've got some very good news for you.. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. . I owe you an apology. Jonathan is leaving. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Listen. -Pleased to meet you. And he's taking Dr. You're my brother.Aunt Abby. in that case. Jonathan.
Mr. This is your last chance. I can spell like the dickens. . Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. You are? Well. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. -I'll be running along.Your face is familiar. Officer O'Hara. but I can't spell them. I got to ring in. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. I'm working on a play now. Einstein and Spenalzo. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Spenalzo. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. All three of you: you. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. If you don't leave here. Dr. well. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. You can tell me all about it.
But we've got trouble enough as it is. Two old ladies as a front. After that. Now get going! All three of you.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. O'Hara. We've got a wonderful setup here. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. We're sleeping right here in this house. take it easy. We can make a fortune. Please! Doctor. please. Johnny. let's go. Johnny. No. you lose your head. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. We're not going. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Only Mortimer stands in our way. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Look. Come. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. we're coming back here. I never did like Mortimer. Right with you. Just give me one moment. Okay. Please. no. Then if he tries to interfere-No.
. -I don't know. She was my mother. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. It's no fly-by-night idea. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Swell.. Well. we got an ace in the hole. Yes. -Excuse me. We're not going. You stay out of this. -I like the first act. If you tell O'Hara . rehash it. -Legitimate? Of course. I worked on it for 12 years. Move fast. -Peaches La Tour was her name. Well. -My mother was an actress. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. you asked for it. I'll be back in a minute. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it.. All right. Mortimer. -You're not going? -No.in the cellar.
This opening will kill you. huh? Let's go where we can be alone..l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. Genius at work. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.. I'll meet you there later. Lowbrows. I assure you.. You'd better ring in. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.what's in the windowseat. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. Bohemian atmosphere.. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. .
.. Well. Martha.. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. You haven't. I think we can start the services now. -I'll see you down there. will you? This is a great play. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. I expect to find you gone. Perish the thought. -Can't wait! Doctor. Where are those papers? There they are.Look. doctor. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. You've got to take him with you! . The moment the doctor signs. And speaking of services.. Did he look guilty! Well..... Jonathan. You're smug. Yes.. That was just Mortimer. When I come back. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. We thought we heard you leave.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Where do you. You won't stand me up.. dear aunties. . you ring in and I'll see you later.
. -But Mr. Besides. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Mr. It's one of our charities. You mean. Doctor. They're both dead. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Why. Hoskins. Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. there's no room for Mr. Hoskins--Mr. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins is no stranger. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Twelve graves. The cellar's crowded already. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. He must mean Mr. Spenalzo. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. what we've been doing is a mercy. -He's one of our gentlemen.
. Spenalzo. You got 12. . Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. they got 12. Then the first one in London. . Johnny. I've got 13. -No. What? You got 12. There's Mr. Two in Johannesburg. You cannot count the one in South Bend.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. 12.... That makes 13... ... they got 12. -Filling. one in Phoenix...and they stay right here in Brooklyn... one in Sydney. He died of pneumonia. You cannot count him. Arizona. You've done all that..two in San Francisco. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Phoenix? -The filling station. one in Melbourne. .. Spenalzo out of here. -Thirteen.. Don't brag. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. and they do just as good as you do.So you just take your Mr.
The old ladies is just as good as you are. but only you can help me. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. Pull up a tombstone. That's all.. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. Dr. This is most irregular.. -You better wait. Gilchrist. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. seeing a doctor. that's easily taken care of. . Make yourself comfortable. They are.. Just one more. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. -You wait here.. .. are they? Well. -Who? What? Did I say. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. but I can't commit a man just on that. If you'd talk with him.. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. I'll be right back. All I need is one more.l'm sure you'd be convinced.. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. I know Teddy blows bugles.
President. . -Do you? -Yes.-Hey.50! -What? $22. yes. It wouldn't fit me.50! Oh. indeed. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. thanks.50. $22. Not so good. of course I love you. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Five more bucks and you'll own it. So far. that's that. Welcome to Washington. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. looks good on you! Not the suit. -Mr. It gives me a chance to rest. Certainly. is it not? Yes." $22. with a Maxim silencer. No. Well now. darling. the meter! "Looks good on me. may I present--Dr. so good.
That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. Darling. I probably should have told you this before. Doctor... darling. . but I won't be elected. if the country insists. I'll run for a third term. I love you so much.. Darling. but it's only a matter of time. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. -What are you talking about? -Well. that's ancient history.. but you see. I can't go through with our marriage.. Just because Teddy's strange. It practically gallops. that doesn't mean-No. insanity runs in my family. -Of course. .. -That's what you think. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell..Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling.well. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I don't quite know. It's way back before Teddy. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.
What of it? So your family's crazy. That's the way I love you. even they have their peculiarities. Thank you. -Those papers. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. I. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Aunt Abby. sanest people I've ever known. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. drop in to see me at the White House. So you're crazy. Just go on signing the papers. Goodbye. No. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. all this doesn't prove a thing. but kiss me. I've enjoyed this little talk very much.Darling.. Well. They're Brewsters. It'll just have to be undone. I'm crazy too. Look at your aunts. go to bed! . no.. you better stop it. Ambassador. -Go away.. There's no use doing what you're doing. Anytime you're in Washington.
Hoskins and Mr. Martha and I are going for the police. Spenalzo in together. let him.we're going for the police.. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Doctor. Bed feels good already. This is all fixed up nice now. If Jonathan and Mr.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. . . All right. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. I'll get them out. -Oh.. You're forgetting.. You know. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Nice and smooth like a lake. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police..
I think. no police! No police! Look. But Johnny. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. what? . Doctor. No! I am tired. Not the Melbourne method. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. not tonight! I'm sleepy. I know that look. Look at me. Or the next day. No. But the quick way. Okay. Doctor. We'll do it tomorrow. My brother. the Melbourne method. You forget. perhaps. I just heard him upstairs. Mortimer. we'll do it. I think this calls for something special. can't you? Yeah. You can see that it's got to be done. Doctor. You are going to operate tomorrow. huh? The quick twist like in London.-Remember. go to bed. Okay. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Johnny.
please? -What? Speak up. Brewster. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Oh. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. You already have them on. Mr. So I have. I see! Very clever. Get out. President. -Of course. I can't hear you. What a load off my mind. Mr. I can't hear you. Don't do that. Mr. . -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. President. Yes. Wait here. Mr. Boy. President. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Mr. What is it. A secret proclamation? How unusual. President. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Hey. will you. Johnny's in a bad mood. This must be secret. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. mice? -You get out of this house. -I'll put on my signing clothes. -Please listen to me.
he's a madman. Please listen to me. Get going. please. 1919. -I could use that.. You beat it before things start popping around here. Stop it. little fellow.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. You take care of yourself. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Brewster. Please. -That's mine. Don't those plays you see all the time . But. Please go now. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. . Heidelberg.. Doc-. -What's that? Wait. I'll take care of him.. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Horrible things.Are you really a doctor? Yes. look. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. You've just been married. but you go now. when Johnny's in that mood. Only for dramatic critics. Mr. -My schnapps. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan.. Please.
Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. Witherspoon...teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. At least people in plays act like they got sense. There's a man. he doesn't. He's even been warned to get out. Isn't that great? So there he is. And does he go? No. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. .. The murderer even invites him to sit down. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. Now listen to this. There's a play that's so bad. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. When you get out of prison. it'll still be running when you get out.
for me. I dreamt of you... Now. In Melbourne one night. brother Heidelberg.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No... Yes. you may consider that a blessing. This fellow's supposed to be bright.a fellow never sees or hears anything.we go to work. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer.. Mortimer. He wasn't very bright. But never. That's right. Doctor. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. Please. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.. . The big dope! You were right about that fellow. . Look at the attitude. . were you out of my mind. Now get a load of this. All he has to do is look around.. the quick way. in a play or even in a movie. I've been away for 20 years. but does he? No! See. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Later on.. my dear brother. Johnny.
You remember when we came in. Where did they put it? I found some wine. dead brother. Mortimer. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. Please! All right. We both have a drink before we operate. Pull yourself together.-This must be an artistic achievement. Where are your manners? Yes. But I cannot see this without the drink. One moment. That's all. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Let's get it over with. After all. We drink to you. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Here. please. That idiot! -He goes next. there was some wine. To my dear. And then they took it. I'll split it with you. -Please. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink.
You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. I'll help you. I see. The quick way. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. We're taking the bugle away from him. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.-We'll get to him later. -What happened to him? -Nothing. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play.. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. I'd better talk to him myself. It's all right. In the second act.... sure. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. Yeah. yes! If it has to be. They practically stole that from my play. . . Like a flash. then the quick way. out of a clear sky. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. The quick way.
. please. Growing into a magnificent specimen..He says. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. -What? -I personally like it very much. "Miss Peaches La Tour. . . there's me. Well. It's an evolving stage. It's getting you. All of a sudden. -Where have I seen that face before? -No.. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. You ain't heard nothing yet... What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. My mother doesn't say they're married. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. in the meantime. I'm in great danger. -It's probably over his head. see? Little do I know it. casual-like..but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. a fire breaks out. The scene changes. I'm walking along my beat.
My play put him to sleep. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. -Johnny. so I pulls out my gun. The neighbors are phoning in. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. Right in the middle of the second act. this is Mortimer Brewster. Brophy. Get me Mac.when a guy that I'm following. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. -There's a vacant house on the corner.. -I heard him. -He's going to help me write my play... -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. I figures I'll outsmart him. Now. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. He says we've got to put him away someplace. who the heck is this? Mr. So he came back.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello... Did they send you here? No. we came to warn the old ladies. That's the one that ran away.. -The colonel blew that bugle again. . boys. .. Brewster's brother. The Lieutenant's on the warpath.
Leave him to me. -Wait a minute. Shall we bring him in? All right. charming old ladies. -I'll show them to you. we'll hold him right here. Thirteen bodies. Be careful what you say. Brewster. We found him. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Your aunts are friends of ours. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. Brewster. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. You think my aunts are sweet. you've got me. don't you? Well. . there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. It wasn't that bad. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. Yes. At the Brewster house. I better let them know that I found you. Mr. 13. Mr. The Lieutenant is on his way over. So I've been turned in? All right. -Come down to the cellar.
that's enough. Look out! Fight. -Go on down the cellar with him. That's enough. Everybody off. Pat. -Go to the cellar with him. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Amazing. please. Go on and fight. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. -Yes. I got something better.I'll show you where they're buried. look out! Amazing. come to the cellar. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. You could use this in the third act. too. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. He looks like Boris Karloff. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. I got him. . Don't bother me now. Such a fine day. look. Well. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Pat.
-What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. fight. That won't have any effect. .. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well.. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. dear. -Come in. Boris. Isn't that amazing? Oh. Wish I could relax like that. Don't do that. Telephone. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. I've tried it before-It did. That's fine. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. Thank you very much. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense.The papers are all signed. What do I care? Go ahead. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. brother.. -Witherspoon. please. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Pat. Get him. Turn him over.
I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.you can at least read short detective stories.. That's my brother. You're going to have a long time on that play. Report in. He says 13 bodies are there. The guy who helped him escape. "He looked like Karloff. . Now go on. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. he's wanted.. You're suspended... . Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. too. He's wanted.. That's the way they described him. Certainly..and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. He's a lifer. .. About my not ringing in. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. pal.
But I'm not myself today. With flatheads like you on the force. Colonel. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. you've blown your last bugle. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in.Here. -Hey. No. keep out of that. Take him out and bring him to. Colonel. Get this gu y out of here. you. I want to question him. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. . This is a spy. Colonel. Nothing to eat. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. No sleep. We caught him at the White House. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Howdy. -Questioning of spies is my department.
Just a minute. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I have come to get a Brewster. take it easy. Read this. Look. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. No arguments. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. He's got to be put away. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Last year there was a crazy guy. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. . started a murder rumor. No arguments. -As long as he's going someplace. I know just how you feel. Any offers? I'm Mr. Captain. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I'm liable to think anything. -I'm waiting for Mr. Witherspoon. no argument.You're his brother.
Brewster? Mr. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to.Mr. it's chicanery. Never mind! Give me that pen. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. all I got to get is Witherspoon. Let me explain." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -Hold him till I get there. This is fun. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. Now. -That's fine. I'm so glad to see you. Witherspoon is here. . -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. He's ready to talk. That's all right! Do that again for me.
you know-Captain. I shan't mind. it's a play. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. . I want you to be just as harsh as you like. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight.. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Why? To take him away? Never. I've never been there.. It means a great deal to me.And no wagon when he leaves. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. -The woods are full of them. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. Taxicabs. never. this is Mr. Witherspoon.. I sometimes envy some of our patients. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. You do? It must be a nice place. -That's good. We always. I have one waiting now. secretly. You know. You never can tell. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. Something I've been working on.
-Is this March 4? -Practically. your guide to Africa. Witherspoon. I'll bring down my equipment. Mr. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Let's see. It's Mr. Mr. -What is this? No.. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Happy man. This is Captain Rooney. my boy. Now you can take him away. Taft. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. you got it wrong. Aunt Martha.. Goodbye. all signed. President. I'm on my way to Africa.-Come. I have good news for you. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Your term of office is over. Aunt Abby. President? Taft! No.. this isn't Mr. I must get started immediately.
. we're going. too! -Yes. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Too dangerous. Why not? Why not. he's come to take him. -We won't be separated from Teddy. but impossible.It's all right. We promise to take his bugle away from him. How can you allow this? You promised. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. indeed? It's sweet of them. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. No. dear. let's be sensible. Now. Oh. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. -If he's going. I've got it. ladies. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. you'll have to take us with him. jealousy. Dissension. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. You've come to meet Teddy. he can't go now! We won't permit it. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. haven't you? No. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. -I'm sorry. You could arrange that.
. You just ask our nephew. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. The graves are all marked. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer..It ain't only his bugle blowing. . I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Things are going to get worse. Mortimer.and we'll get them all together. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. No. -I'll look in that cellar. What? Yes.. you wouldn't have to dig. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. He's been a little strange all day. . -How about it? -I'll be right there.. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. -I'll tell you what we'll do. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.
humor them. Humor them. -Certainly. Where are they? ..-We put flowers on them every Sunday. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. "There is a Happy Dale far.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Smile. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. we'll sign the papers.. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. -He got married today. If we can go with Teddy. -You mustn't mind him at all. I put neon lights on mine. There's one down there.. Spenalzo. None of mine are gentlemen. .. a Mr. -Flowers? Sure. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. It's amazing. Teddy committed himself. Hasn't got it yet. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.
Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Doctor. The neighborhood here has changed so. Ladies.I have them. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Yes. Just sign right here. if you'll sign right here. We've overlooked something. Dr. -Here? -Yes. A doctor. right here. I'm really looking forward to going. ladies. Come along. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Sign them up. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Doctor? -Yes. Einstein. Now. Dr. I'm so sorry. please. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. -Come here. here. will you? I want this all cleaned up. dear. -Were you leaving. Oh. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. please. It's on the right-hand side there. . Dr. please. -Good night. please. Maybe I can understand him. -A doctor? -Yes. Doctor.
It's all right. Einstein! -Now. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. His accomplice's description is on the circular. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. It's contagious. Pop eyes. Talks with a German accent. The doctor has completed the signatures. You sign as next of kin.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. will you? About 40. Read it to me. But Dr. on the desk. It's your turn. Mac. Five-foot-three. Mr. One hundred and forty pounds. . Doc. Mac. I'm Brewster. That's great! Thanks. Poses as a doctor. Hello. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Witherport. Mr. Okay. Don't mind me. yes. -Don't play games--You sign. Thanks. You've done Brooklyn a great service.
Einstein--But it's not his signature. darling. but that's just it. dear. you know? And bring along my bugle. -Mine? You see. And you were born . President. We're very happy about the whole thing. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -What's wrong about that. darling? -Martha. you signed as next of kin. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. of course. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. He's President. -Well. you tell him. darling. -Here. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something.-Spoon. dear. We don't want anything to go wrong. -What. Now. don't be worried. Come up and pack my duffel. -Me too. Mortimer. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -It's yours. Well.
Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. too..we didn't want to lose her. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. Quiet! -But. It's true. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. . It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. Your real father was a cook. So brother married her. They're off to a flying start. -Goodbye. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it..about three months afterwards. I really did see-- .. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon..
Call me a cab. Mr. I'm a son of a sea cook. Mortimer. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Yes. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. We're going to Niagara Falls. love.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. its operators. But. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . dear.
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