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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week....they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. He's so very much in love with her. . Brophy.. I must be catching cold. and now. Bless you.. Remember now. dear. You'd be surprised .should take any man's daughter anyplace.. Don't you call them "the girls.. watch your language. .but no man with this published attitude. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. Sister Martha and I are so happy. You know I'm not a swearing man.Their old man left them fixed for life.... .. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.. . But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. at any time. No... That's their way of digging up people to do good to. . Reverend Harper.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater..... It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. He used to come to see us only occasionally." either.
-So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. sir? It's nice to meet you. He's taking over my beat. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. That's splendid work you men do.what they'd consider swearing. the new man on the beat. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. This is Officer O'Hara. Teddy. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Brophy. Harper from the church next door? Hello. gentlemen. Mr. You know the Reverend Dr. -How do you do. Teddy. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. You get tired of playing cards. No. Will you excuse me? No. no. we have nothing to report. At ease. dear. Brophy? . They're all packed. This is Officer O'Hara. we came for the toys. The toys are on the chair up here. I'll go. what news have you brought me? Colonel. absolutely nothing to report. -Miss Abby. Gentlemen. -Come right in. How do you do. Thank you. by the library door. Splendid! Thank you.
. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Father. Gentlemen.and the neighbors raised Cain. That's right.. thank you... Isn't it a shame. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.. I promised I wouldn't swear. He's an interesting character. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Sarge. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Isn't it a shame... Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.. Now don't do that again.She's better.. Please don't bother. . But a little weak. You've done so much already. I'll make a note.. Teddy. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. still. They're afraid of him. Look. . I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Reverend. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.
Colonel. -Thank you. Martha. Officer O'Hara. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Teddy. Brophy. Miss Brewster. -Don't mention it. So long. this is grand. Colonel. dear. Dismissed! . -How do you do? -Good afternoon. Here's the broth for Mrs.. put it back. it goes to Australia. Sarge. Thank you. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon.Well. you're back. Hey. -Not at all. You bet I will. how do you do? Miss Martha. It'll make a lot of kids happy.. -The children will go crazy. now. The Army and Navy are ready for action.. -Now. Yes. -Reverend. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. -These are lovely. and thank you very much. Be sure it's good and hot. He's taking over my duties. No. -But the Oregon goes to Australia.
That is quite a problem. you're happy. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. we thought if he'd be George Washington.. Yes..-Goodbye and thank you. let that be a lesson to you. Goodbye. Well. indeed. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. -Good night.. and what's more important. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. Do you remember. -Well..it might be a change for him. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. I must be going. if he's happy. Young man. -Careful of the step with the toys. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. -Don't mention it.. and we suggested it... Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. .. Martha? Once. a long time ago.. .
I'm sure we needn't worry about him. dear. Did you just have tea? Yes. why? Good news for you. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal.. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Dear. -No. -I got along fine. I didn't know when you'd be back. You know. So. I just couldn't wait for you. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. . Martha. -But all by yourself. And dinner's going to be late. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. sweet Reverend Harper. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes.. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. and Reverend Harper was coming.. There wasn't time. too. dear. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. And I was all alone.
right out here with everyone looking. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Here's your hat. And her brooch. you're going to love me . I don't like that look in your eyes. buddy. -It's Elaine! -Hello. keep them. He did? What did he say? -He was against it.. Hold on to that. -But. Mortimer. Wait a minute. Mortimer. If you find her hairpins. There they are. Just throw it. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.Well? Just look in the windowseat. -But that was only Sunday. -You ain't seen anything yet. -Take her hat.. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. darlings. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. But. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -You've got to drive us to the station..
We've a room on the train. Look. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. He's a dear... I don't have to. You should've seen my secretary's face... certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. It goes just before this. the bridal suite in the hotel. hurry and pack. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I started packing the day after I met you. too? One thing at a time. you see! You see? That's what I mean. Yes. . . Go on. You know what we're doing? Wasting time.. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. don't tell your father. No. You'll see it often. I can handle Father.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. That's what I hate about women..for my mind. There. darling.. There's that look again! "There's that look again.
I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. you two old frauds. hurry. When you whistle. dark streak of light. here. Brewster? Good. -Whistle when you're ready. And throw in a flock . Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Oh. -Father may want to pray over me. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Did you send those roses to Mrs. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Hold on to your bustles. Elaine and I are married. darling. What? Now? No. -It'll be a few minutes. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. We're married. Grand Central Station. If you see a tall. Isn't it too. open the front door fast. Hurry. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. it's me.
It's all ready. A taxi's waiting. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. . of course. a wedding cake. -And. Of course. we can have our celebration. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. Well. -You won't have time to bake a cake.of orange blossoms. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. But before you go. Did everybody know I was getting married. I'm going to burn all my books. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. too. You know how your books upset him. We're going to Niagara Falls. Oh. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. I'll run along and get everything ready. dear. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry.
Mr. thank you. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. what a face! I remember now. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. reminded me of Jonathan. President. had a character in it. My. Mortimer! -How are you. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Mr. you know. I'm off to Panama. Oh. Yes. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Just bully.Now you behave. Hello. Really? A honey of a lunatic. goodbye. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. I know. I saw a play. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. President? -Bully. dear! . He'd scare grownups with it. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Goodbye. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. "Oh. A new lock for the canal. dear.
mister. dear. Get him up here now. but I've got an awful shock for you. darlings. darlings. That's after we're gone. Now. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now.Yeah. At once! -He's in the cellar. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -You know? -Of course. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. you can't get his mind on anything else. darling! Never mind that now. the first thing you see is a dead body. -There's no such hurry as that. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Yes. When Teddy's working on the canal. When the curtain goes up. look. Well. The next thing-Hey. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. I'm frightfully sorry. what a play. dear. Teddy's killed a man. Yes. . listen. We know.
it has a distinct odor. That's really all I know about him. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. You just forget about it.. Hoskins. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.Now. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. You mean you. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. except that he's a Methodist.. You put it in the wine? . Adam Hoskins. how did he die? Mortimer. men just don't get into windowseats and die. He died first. Now look. Who is he? He's a Mr. dear.. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. Aunt Martha. No. What the. don't be so inquisitive. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice.. When it's in tea. Mortimer.. Wait! Stop all this.
Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. Look at me. tomorrow or next day. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Hoskins in the windowseat.. darling. Yes. . The dears. but this time we'll go where we want to go.. you know all about it and just forget about it.Yes. We must do that. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Schultz. Now. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. She's much better. not at tea.. That wouldn't have been very nice. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.. Abby. And I put Mr. It's first-degree. Mortimer.because Reverend Harper was coming.
dear. dear.. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. They have so much fun. dear. you can't leave him in there. Hoskins. don't be so impatient.. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Mr. it is. -Stop worrying about it. you behave. digging the lock. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. here. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Teddy's down in the cellar now. We told you to forget the whole thing. I want to know what we're going to do. That's what we did with the others. Look. Mortimer. We don't intend to. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. dear.. Whatever his name is. -We can't turn you over to the police. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. -But Mr. Now. Aunt Martha. Mortimer. . You can't. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. You're going to bury Mr. I know what his name is.Yes.
Abby? No. she's probably right. Makes it 12. because I remember when Mr. dear. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. This is 1 1.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. I really don't think you should count the first one. I think you're wrong. dear. It does? Well. I was counting the first one. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Hoskins first came in. Abby. This makes 12. and that makes it 12. I get them mixed up sometimes. Abby. dear... keep your shirt on! Elaine." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Hello. For heaven's sake.. dear. This one is only 1 1 . Abby usually is. I didn't mean-- . Abby.-Others? -The other gentlemen. No. Let me see now. . dear. But.. isn't it. When you say "others.
.Now.. All his kith and kin were dead. . Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. when his heart attack came... Why.looking so peaceful.we would. dear.. you poor.. old men.. You mean. . old gentleman. we all took him down to Panama. . Midgely. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. Just sit down.. He was a Baptist..... .. Twelve! Yes. We felt so sorry for him. .to find that same peace.. .that if we could help other lonely... Martha? We made up our minds... let's see.and he sat there dead in that chair. . Tell me.. you see.. who was the first one? Mr... Abby thinks we should count the first one.. Where were we? Twelve. then and there... Never mind about that.. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. And then. And that meant he had to be buried immediately..and he thought Mr. Remember... He was such a lonely. So.
As a matter of fact. No. .. Wait a minute! Come here.. And then.... -Mortimer.. Well. . What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.. . You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial... one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .... dear. for a gallon of elderberry wine.. so.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic... -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves.. Should have quite a kick.. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. Of course not! Well.. just a pinch of cyanide.because we know exactly what's to be done. dear...then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. There.. darling. .
He did? Well.. a sip of. Who can I call up? Dewey.. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . That'd be nice. Winchell? No. Everybody knows he's crazy. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. We must get that cake frosted. What am I doing with tickets? Information. digging locks. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number.. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Happy as a lark. He's wonderful. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Let me see. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Singing away.. Teddy! Of course. I couldn't eat a thing.. darling. Let me see. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Winchell's no good.. La Guardia. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Don't worry about the cake.
. What's wrong? Look at your hair. dark streak of light. Brooklyn. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. I'll call you up tomorrow. you! Thought you were tall. -Run on home. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. -How do I look? -You look fine. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. yes. I heard you whistle. What'd you do. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. Yeah. please.on North Shore Road. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Something's happened. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two.
You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster.If I could only tell you. The police want to throw him into a state institution.. he's-It's his bugle blowing. You smell so nice. Judge. we were married today. It's very. Judge. I'll tell you why I called you. -Go to bed.. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. Elaine. We've got to do something immediately. . A thing happened. Judge.. It's about Teddy. But it's a matter of life and. very important. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. darling. It won't wait until tomorrow. You better go home! -But. I've got to come over and see you right away. about Teddy. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does.
dear. -All alone in the world? . Doorbell's ringing. New York. we're just setting the table for dinner. Happy Dale. do sit down. Don't like it. please. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Do step in.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. Operator? Give me long distance. I understand you've got a room to rent. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. I'm Miss Brewster. we can get him to Happy Dale. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. It's a wonderful place. And this is my sister. Another Miss Brewster. -My name's Gibbs. Now. -Well. I'm sorry. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. this would be a nice comfortable chair. How do you do? Come in.
" when you dig a lock. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No.. I don't think I'll like it. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. skoal. It's elderberry wine. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. "A" Iike in "arsenic.-Well. "D" Iike in "dig. Well. you've come to just the right house. -Dale." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. -Thank you. we make this ourselves.. . I'd like to see the room. That's right. Well.. I can see the headlines now. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. Martha. Happy Dale. The room's upstairs. -No. -Do sit down. but the cemetery's full of them. Please. Well.
What I mean is. . People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand.. I'm nervous. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do.. Don't do that. murdered. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .but it's not only against the law. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.. madam.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. I'm not drunk. but you've given me an idea! Darling.. Oh. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look.Hello. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. it's wrong.. Not that.
Oh. operator. Mr. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. dear. now. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.and it would lead to trouble. . How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well.-.. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. .That's amazing. That's too bad. Thank you. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Witherspoon. Well. Of course. And if-Oh. Witherspoon. I see. Thank you. if your mind is made up. How do you do. dear. thanks. Mr. Well. Witherspoon speaking. Mr.What? All right. Witherspoon. Yes. Bonaparte. do you-I'm fine. if he thought that-Mr. we want to commit him there immediately... please. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Brewster. Oh.. Well. Mr.
dear. Now listen. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. Mortimer. -But. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Well. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. darling. . What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. Whosit where he is.Another Roosevelt. dear. don't you? Yes.. I want you to do one thing for me.. I love you both very much. What on earth could happen to us? Well. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. you'll do that little thing for me.. Get off that thing.. but I want you to promise me something. I can't concentrate. You know I'd do anything for you. I'll sing with you. I mean. Anyway. darling. like good girls. we'd have to know what it was first.. Oh.. I can't talk to you.
well. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. cab! Here you are. I can go faster that way. anything. that's right. -Don't open it. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. The poor dears. Shame! Such a nice hat.I'll dance with you. Sure. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Remember. I'm so happy for Elaine. You know. . Yes. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. Why? He's just been married. You promise? Good. Oh. What is it? Mr. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. What? Stop that.
Look. As if we were expected. I'll go. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. doctor. dear. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. Johnny. . Johnny. It's two men. Drink. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. we'll need another hymnal. they're strangers to me. Yes. -Let me look. -You look. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. I'm so hungry. -Do you recognize them? -No.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. A fatted calf?. and I've never seen them before. As a boy. The family must still live here. -Are you sure? -Yes. This is the home of my youth. Johnny. Come in. it's a good hideout. There's one up in my room.
. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring.. Why. still the high collar. Jonathan. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. He's a plastic surgeon. Aunt Martha..to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. No.. Aunt Martha. so don't pretend you are.. Einstein is responsible for that. And you.. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. Your nephew.A good omen. you know. You're nothing like Jonathan. you're not. . But I've seen that face before. . .. Dr. It's Jonathan. Have you been in an accident? My face... his voice is like Jonathan's. You just get out of here. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan..that Grandma Brewster bought in England.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.. . Spenalzo in through the door.. Rather a good joke on my aunts. See the hole he's digging. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. How do we get him in here? Yes. And it just fits Mr.. That's hospitality. Four feet wide. Spenalzo along..Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.. I could be disagreeable. we can't just walk Mr.You remember that. I forgot to tell you. as a boy. Spenalzo. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. we'll bring him in through the window. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. six feet long.. -Down here. Come here. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Bed. . I don't have to go into details. Quick.. We expect to be very busy.
there's been another yellow-fever victim. That might be against the law. And he's been so patient.We're moving the car behind the house. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. I think Teddy had better take Mr. What are we going to do about Mr. I don't want to leave it in the street. Hoskins? Mr. General Goethals was very pleased. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. You'd better get to bed. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. No. The car is all right where it is until morning. He said the canal was just the right size. Promise? You have the word of the President . we must keep it a secret. Teddy. a state secret. Hoskins downstairs right away. A state secret? Yes. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. the poor dear.
Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. when everything's dark here.. But you must be very tired.when I turn out the lights. And we'll come down later and hold services. . You just come right along and see him now. . You know. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar.. Now get along. And then. You can go right up. We've never had yellow fever there before... We're bringing the luggage through here. I've never even seen Mr. you were out. considering that he's a Methodist. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. Your room is waiting for you. -And we don't go to bed this early. It seems to be spreading.. Both of you. .. Now. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours.of the United States.. he's really very nice looking.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. You two run along to bed. let's see.. Cross my heart and hope to die.
you open the window. Where am l? Here I am. and I'll stay here and pull. I'll open the window. You go outside and push. Aunt Abby. For the instruments. Yeah. Aunt Martha. When I tap on the glass. You go round and hand him through. Just off the laboratory. we'll all go to bed. Now! Turn out the lights. -I'll be right up. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. It's dark in here. Take the bags upstairs. Doctor. Aunt Abby. And then together we take him down to Panama. Now. Good night. I'll come back later. He's all right. But he's too heavy for me. I'll take a look around outside the house. All right. Run along. We must be quick.-It's time I came home to take care of you. -All right. . Johnny.
Help me. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. He's so heavy. somebody's at the door. Now I got him. wait a minute. Allez. it's Brewster. Go open. -Be careful. Now I have him. Now I've got him! Johnny. I'm not very used to it. Go. I'll manage Spenalzo. Mortimer. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. He's so heavy. wait a minute. Now I have him. I'm a brand-new Brewster.Who left this open? Okay. Hand him over. Help me. You lost a leg somewhere. up! Now. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. -But his shoe came off. I live next door. Doctor! . I mean. quick. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband.
And something of a magician. You don't live here. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. they talk about you. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. I'm in this house every day. It's okay. That explains everything.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. that's all.. "That explains everything.It's all right. . Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. Now that I know who you are.. -You've heard of me? -Yes.." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I've never seen you before. May I present Dr. -You're Jonathan. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. Einstein? Dr. .. We happen to live here.
that's all! I see. It's going to be a private funeral. Charge! Doctor.I suppose it was you. I came to see Mortimer. Is that why you came over here? No. . But if he's not home. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. I'll run--You've given two names. No! Don't be a tomboy. the cellar. No visitors. a sneak thief. Go back to your room. -What else did you see? -Just that. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Alice. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous.
-Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother.. "I've come back home." Listen.. Mortimer.. he--Wait a minute. .when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails.. -What? I've come back home.. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr.. darling. Jonathan! -I've come back home.. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. . -I'll handle this. Mortimer. it talks! Yes. Mortimer. -Mortimer. Mortimer. I talk. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Go back to your room. Einstein. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer.-We'll call the police. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now.
How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. We don't take up much room. be a good fellow.. Please.. -In fact. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Einstein to stay.. Now look. We invited Jonathan and Dr. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. -What? -Just for tonight. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Nothing to. I remember. I'm staying here from now on. . Johnny can sleep on the sofa. just a moment.Yeah. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. Here's $10. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. No. I'm staying here tonight. Now. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away.
in just a little while. . Now. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Mr. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. What? What's going to happen to Mr. beat it! It's all right. I'll take care of you. Mortimer.Mortimer. Don't bring anyone else in here. Johnny. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. -Oh. I'll tell you about him. that. Spenalzo. darling? -I almost got killed. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Doctor. Spenalzo. I've completely lost track of Mr. While we are packing. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. you know what I do to people who order me around. Elaine. Wait! Who's this Mr.
. -You'd better run along home.your brother tries to strangle me. Witherspoon. look. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Yes. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. I'm afraid of him. Darling. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. we were going over Niagara Falls. .. We were married today. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr.. . -But--Please. I'm here now. I don't understand you. I can't hear the man. He's some kind of a maniac. . Mr... Well. I got things to do... Forget it.-It was worse than that. don't worry about it. a taxi's waiting. Brewster. please. Well..
. windowseat... .. Doctor. come right away. well. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. taxi. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.. Thank you. By the way. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon.I've got the papers all drawn up.put them in a barrel. darling. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.. Let me think about this thing. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. . I'll get both signatures. darling. signature. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. of course? By the doctor? Oh. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Teddy. Yeah. wedding ring. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. I know it's late.
You admitted you put Mr. I did. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. dear. It is not Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. he's mistaken. Hoskins! -By the way. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Mr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. you come in here now! Yes.No. where is Mr. Yes. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. . Hoskins in the windowseat.
I did. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. No.. Listen. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. I've decided that we're staying. And I've also decided that you're leaving. handsome. Mortimer. dear. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Oh.He's down there waiting for the services. . and I mean now.. Are you getting out. poor dear. Don't. you come straight along here. I'm in no mood to debate the question.. what with Jonathan in the house. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. Martha. We haven't had a minute. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there.
I owe you an apology. you're a Brewster. You can't ask for more than that. -And this is another nephew. -Glad to see you. I've got some very good news for you. -No! Come in. Don't reach for the telephone.. Jonathan.. Officer. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. too. -Yes. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. .. Remember. You're my brother. Einstein and that cold companion with him. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Come right in. what happened to Mr. I'll have to call the police. Listen. This is our nephew. in that case. darling. -Pleased to make your acquaintance.Aunt Abby. Mortimer. Jonathan is leaving. Well? All right. Spenalzo can happen to you. Put down that telephone. -Pleased to meet you. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. do come in. And he's taking Dr.
the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. All three of you: you. If you don't leave here. You can tell me all about it. I can spell like the dickens. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. This is your last chance. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. Spenalzo. You are? Well. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. well. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. Dr. Officer O'Hara. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. but I can't spell them. . -I'll be running along. Einstein and Spenalzo. I got to ring in.Your face is familiar. I'm working on a play now. Mr.
let's go. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Two old ladies as a front. Only Mortimer stands in our way. After that. we're coming back here. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . We've got a wonderful setup here. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. no. take it easy. Johnny. Just give me one moment. Look. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Come. We're sleeping right here in this house. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Please! Doctor. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Johnny. No.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. O'Hara. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Please. Now get going! All three of you. Right with you. please. I never did like Mortimer. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. you lose your head. Okay. We're not going. We can make a fortune.
rehash it. you asked for it. -Swell. -Legitimate? Of course. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. If you tell O'Hara . -Officer O'Hara? -Coming.. -My mother was an actress. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you.. She was my mother. We're not going. -Peaches La Tour was her name. Yes. Mortimer. All right. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -I don't know. Well. I worked on it for 12 years. Well.. -You're not going? -No. I'll be back in a minute. -I like the first act. It's no fly-by-night idea.in the cellar. we got an ace in the hole. Move fast. You stay out of this. -Excuse me. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn.
-What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.what's in the windowseat. I assure you. . huh? Let's go where we can be alone. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. Lowbrows. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . Bohemian atmosphere... You'd better ring in. I'll meet you there later. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. This opening will kill you.. Genius at work. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now.
. doctor. -Can't wait! Doctor. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. Did he look guilty! Well... will you? This is a great play. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. -I'll see you down there. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. you ring in and I'll see you later. Perish the thought. The moment the doctor signs. We thought we heard you leave. Martha. Well.. Where do you. You won't stand me up. When I come back. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Jonathan.. I expect to find you gone. That was just Mortimer. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo.. And speaking of services. You're smug. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. I think we can start the services now. dear aunties...Look. Yes. . Where are those papers? There they are.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. Wait for me! We'll wait for him.. You've got to take him with you! .. You haven't.
Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. You mean. Hoskins. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Hoskins--Mr. The cellar's crowded already. Why. -But Mr. Doctor. Hoskins is no stranger. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. there's no room for Mr. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Spenalzo. what we've been doing is a mercy. -He's one of our gentlemen. It's one of our charities. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. . Twelve graves. He must mean Mr. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Besides. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. They're both dead. -Your gentlemen? Yes.
. Then the first one in London. they got 12.. and they do just as good as you do. . Spenalzo.. You've done all that. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend.. Don't brag. That makes 13..two in San Francisco.and they stay right here in Brooklyn.. -No... You got 12. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. -Thirteen. He died of pneumonia.. they got 12. 12. I've got 13.So you just take your Mr. You cannot count the one in South Bend.. one in Melbourne.. one in Sydney.. You cannot count him. Arizona. . What? You got 12. . There's Mr. -Filling. Johnny. one in Phoenix..right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. Spenalzo out of here. . Two in Johannesburg.. Phoenix? -The filling station.
I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. .The old ladies is just as good as you are... The pixies won't be out till after midnight. I know Teddy blows bugles. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. -Who? What? Did I say. -You better wait. that's easily taken care of. but only you can help me.. Make yourself comfortable. Dr. I'll be right back. Gilchrist. All I need is one more. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. seeing a doctor. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. Just one more. Pull up a tombstone. That's all. This is most irregular. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out... are they? Well. They are. If you'd talk with him. . And I've a pretty good idea who it is. -You wait here.l'm sure you'd be convinced.. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween.. but I can't commit a man just on that.
of course I love you. -Mr. Not so good. Certainly. -Do you? -Yes. darling. may I present--Dr. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes.-Hey. $22. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes." $22. that's that. President. . thanks. indeed. the meter! "Looks good on me.50. yes. is it not? Yes. Welcome to Washington. So far. It wouldn't fit me. No. Well now.50! -What? $22.50! Oh. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. Five more bucks and you'll own it. so good. looks good on you! Not the suit. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. with a Maxim silencer. It gives me a chance to rest.
well. that's ancient history. insanity runs in my family. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.. darling. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. but it's only a matter of time. -Of course. I love you so much.. if the country insists.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. I probably should have told you this before. -What are you talking about? -Well.. but you see. that doesn't mean-No. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. . Just because Teddy's strange. I'll run for a third term. ... Darling. Darling. I can't go through with our marriage. but I won't be elected. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. It's way back before Teddy. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I don't quite know. Doctor. It practically gallops. -That's what you think...
There's no use doing what you're doing. Thank you. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. They're Brewsters. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. but kiss me. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. all this doesn't prove a thing. drop in to see me at the White House. Just go on signing the papers. That's the way I love you. aren't they? They're the sweetest. What of it? So your family's crazy. Goodbye. Look at your aunts. It'll just have to be undone. no. -Those papers. So you're crazy.. you better stop it.. I. Ambassador. sanest people I've ever known. Aunt Abby. Anytime you're in Washington. Well. -Go away.Darling. No.. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. go to bed! . I'm crazy too. even they have their peculiarities.
The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. let him. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police.. If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. I'll get them out. All right. Spenalzo in together.. You know. This is all fixed up nice now. Martha and I are going for the police. Hoskins and Mr. You're forgetting. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. . -Oh. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Nice and smooth like a lake. Doctor. .. Bed feels good already.we're going for the police. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed..
not tonight! I'm sleepy. But the quick way. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over.-Remember. Okay. Doctor. My brother. what? . We'll do it tomorrow. go to bed. You are going to operate tomorrow. Not the Melbourne method. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. no police! No police! Look. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Johnny. Mortimer. huh? The quick twist like in London. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Or the next day. Doctor. I just heard him upstairs. You forget. we'll do it. I know that look. perhaps. Doctor. can't you? Yeah. Look at me. the Melbourne method. No! I am tired. I think. Okay. You can see that it's got to be done. No. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. But Johnny. I think this calls for something special.
I see! Very clever. You already have them on. Mr. So I have. Get out! -Stop underplaying. will you. What is it. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Mr. Wait here. -Of course. . A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. President. Mr. Don't do that. I can't hear you. please? -What? Speak up. Get out. -Please listen to me. Mr. What a load off my mind. Oh. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. I can't hear you. Boy. Mr. mice? -You get out of this house. President. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Brewster. President. Johnny's in a bad mood. President. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Yes. This must be secret. A secret proclamation? How unusual. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Hey.
He's a maniac! And then things happen. look. 1919. -That's mine. Stop it.he's a madman. when Johnny's in that mood. But.Are you really a doctor? Yes. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Please. . please. Heidelberg. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. You beat it before things start popping around here. Mr.. Don't those plays you see all the time . -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Horrible things. -My schnapps.. Please.. -What's that? Wait. I'll take care of him. -I could use that. little fellow. Doc-. Please listen to me.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Only for dramatic critics.. You take care of yourself. but you go now. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Brewster. You've just been married. Please go now. Get going.
he doesn't.. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. . What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. He's even been warned to get out. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. At least people in plays act like they got sense. There's a man. it'll still be running when you get out. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.. When you get out of prison. And does he go? No. Witherspoon. The murderer even invites him to sit down. -What do you think he does? -I don't know.. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. There's a play that's so bad. Now listen to this.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. Isn't that great? So there he is. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger.
He wasn't very bright. ... I dreamt of you. Please. Johnny. Now get a load of this.. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. for me. Mortimer. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. In Melbourne one night. in a play or even in a movie.we go to work. All he has to do is look around. the quick way.a fellow never sees or hears anything. my dear brother. Now. Look at the attitude. . . you may consider that a blessing. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. This fellow's supposed to be bright... The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. were you out of my mind. Yes.. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. but does he? No! See. That's right. Doctor.. But never. Later on. brother Heidelberg. I've been away for 20 years..
Pull yourself together. Please! All right. To my dear. One moment. Where are your manners? Yes. We drink to you. That idiot! -He goes next. Let's get it over with. -Please. dead brother. But I cannot see this without the drink. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Mortimer. please. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. We both have a drink before we operate. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. there was some wine. I'll split it with you. After all. Here. And then they took it. That's all. Where did they put it? I found some wine. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn.-This must be an artistic achievement. You remember when we came in.
I'll help you. We're taking the bugle away from him.. . Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody.. . sure. The quick way. I see. Yeah. Like a flash. In the second act. yes! If it has to be.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. I'd better talk to him myself.. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. They practically stole that from my play.. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. -What happened to him? -Nothing. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. It's all right. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. then the quick way. out of a clear sky. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.-We'll get to him later. The quick way.
there's me. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. .. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.. -It's probably over his head.He says. . "Miss Peaches La Tour. Well.. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. a fire breaks out.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. -What? -I personally like it very much. All of a sudden.. The scene changes. It's getting you. see? Little do I know it. casual-like. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. I'm in great danger. Growing into a magnificent specimen. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. You ain't heard nothing yet. I'm walking along my beat.. in the meantime. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. My mother doesn't say they're married. please.. It's an evolving stage. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.
-Do you have to tie him up? Report in.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -He's going to help me write my play. so I pulls out my gun. My play put him to sleep. That's the one that ran away.when a guy that I'm following.. -I heard him. we came to warn the old ladies.. The neighbors are phoning in. the cops! I sees the door handle turn... . He says we've got to put him away someplace. boys. Right in the middle of the second act. this is Mortimer Brewster. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Get me Mac. -There's a vacant house on the corner. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. who the heck is this? Mr. I figures I'll outsmart him. Brophy. Brewster's brother. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. Did they send you here? No. -Johnny. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.. So he came back. Now..braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. .
I better let them know that I found you.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. Yes. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. don't you? Well. 13. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Brewster. -Wait a minute. We found him. you've got me. Brewster. Leave him to me. At the Brewster house. we'll hold him right here. So I've been turned in? All right. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Mr. The Lieutenant is on his way over. It wasn't that bad. -Come down to the cellar. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. Mr. Be careful what you say. -I'll show them to you. . charming old ladies. You think my aunts are sweet. Your aunts are friends of ours. Shall we bring him in? All right. Thirteen bodies.
You could use this in the third act. Pat. please. He looks like Boris Karloff. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Look out! Fight. -Go on down the cellar with him. Such a fine day. I got him. look. that's enough. I got something better. That's enough. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. -Yes. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. -Go to the cellar with him. Amazing. Pat. come to the cellar.I'll show you where they're buried. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Don't! Sarge! Look out. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. too. look out! Amazing. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Go on and fight. Well. Everybody off. Don't bother me now. .
I've tried it before-It did. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. brother. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. Wish I could relax like that. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Get him. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. please. fight. -Witherspoon. .. What do I care? Go ahead. dear. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense... Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Telephone.The papers are all signed. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. -Come in. Boris. That won't have any effect. Don't do that. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Turn him over. Pat. That's fine. Thank you very much. Isn't that amazing? Oh.
Now go on. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.. He says 13 bodies are there. About my not ringing in. "He looked like Karloff.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. You're going to have a long time on that play. . That's my brother. too.you can at least read short detective stories.. You're suspended. The guy who helped him escape. pal. Certainly.. Report in. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. . He's a lifer. That's the way they described him.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.. .... He's wanted." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. he's wanted.
I'm Mortimer Brewster. I want to question him. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Nothing to eat. But I'm not myself today. Colonel. you've blown your last bugle. With flatheads like you on the force. Howdy. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Take him out and bring him to. keep out of that. We caught him at the White House. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. . Colonel. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. This is a spy. Get this gu y out of here. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. -Hey. -Questioning of spies is my department. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. No. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. I've been after these guys for 48 hours.Here. No sleep. you. Colonel.
Read this. Just a minute. Captain. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. take it easy. I know just how you feel. no argument. Last year there was a crazy guy. started a murder rumor. I have come to get a Brewster. I'm liable to think anything. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. -As long as he's going someplace. No arguments. Look. No arguments. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. . He's got to be put away.You're his brother. Any offers? I'm Mr. Witherspoon. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. -I'm waiting for Mr. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute.
Brewster? Mr. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. This is fun. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. That's all right! Do that again for me. Never mind! Give me that pen.Mr. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. Now. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. I'm so glad to see you. -That's fine. . Witherspoon is here. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. it's chicanery. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -Hold him till I get there. He's ready to talk." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Let me explain. all I got to get is Witherspoon.
I want you to be just as harsh as you like. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. I sometimes envy some of our patients. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.And no wagon when he leaves. We always. You never can tell. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. Taxicabs.. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. I've never been there. -That's good. -The woods are full of them. I shan't mind. You do? It must be a nice place.. this is Mr. Witherspoon. secretly. Something I've been working on. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. It means a great deal to me. . you know-Captain.. You know. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. it's a play. Why? To take him away? Never. never. I have one waiting now.
Let's see. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. -What is this? No. Aunt Abby. Mr..-Come. this isn't Mr. Aunt Martha. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Mr. you got it wrong. I must get started immediately. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! .. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. your guide to Africa. I'm on my way to Africa. President. I have good news for you. -Is this March 4? -Practically. all signed. I'll bring down my equipment. President? Taft! No. my boy. It's Mr. Witherspoon. Happy man. Taft. Your term of office is over. Now you can take him away.. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Goodbye. This is Captain Rooney.
We promise to take his bugle away from him. How can you allow this? You promised. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. too! -Yes. but impossible. you'll have to take us with him. Dissension. Oh. I've got it. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. he's come to take him. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. You've come to meet Teddy. -If he's going. -I'm sorry.It's all right. jealousy. indeed? It's sweet of them. You could arrange that. Now. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. dear. we're going. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Too dangerous. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Why not? Why not. let's be sensible. . -We won't be separated from Teddy. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. ladies. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. haven't you? No. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. No.
.It ain't only his bugle blowing. you wouldn't have to dig. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. You just ask our nephew. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. No. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. . The graves are all marked. What? Yes. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Things are going to get worse.and we'll get them all together. -I'll tell you what we'll do. . Mortimer. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. -How about it? -I'll be right there. He's been a little strange all day. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. -I'll look in that cellar. There are 13 bodies in our cellar..
-Flowers? Sure. -He got married today. Spenalzo. Humor them. None of mine are gentlemen.. There's one down there. It's amazing. -You mustn't mind him at all. "There is a Happy Dale far.. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. Smile. we'll sign the papers. Hasn't got it yet.. humor them.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. . If we can go with Teddy. a Mr.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. far away "There is a Happy" He got it.. I put neon lights on mine. Teddy committed himself. -Certainly. Where are they? . -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.
-Good night. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. right here. if you'll sign right here. Just sign right here. here. Oh. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Einstein. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. please. Ladies. -Were you leaving. Doctor. Dr. Maybe I can understand him. Doctor? -Yes. please.I have them. It's on the right-hand side there. ladies. please. We've overlooked something. . Now. -Here? -Yes. Doctor. I'm going out to talk to that spy. dear. A doctor. I'm so sorry. -A doctor? -Yes. will you? I want this all cleaned up. Come along. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Dr. Dr. Yes. please. -Come here. I'm really looking forward to going. The neighborhood here has changed so. Sign them up.
Thanks. Talks with a German accent. . That's great! Thanks. Mr. Poses as a doctor. Pop eyes. Mr. It's your turn. But Dr. Hello. It's contagious. Read it to me.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. -Don't play games--You sign. yes. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. on the desk. Don't mind me. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Einstein! -Now. It's all right. You sign as next of kin. I'm Brewster. One hundred and forty pounds. Witherport. Mac. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Okay. Mac. The doctor has completed the signatures. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Five-foot-three. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Doc. will you? About 40.
you know? And bring along my bugle. Einstein--But it's not his signature. dear. Mortimer. -Mine? You see. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. We're very happy about the whole thing. darling. -Here. but that's just it. darling. you tell him. -What. Duffel? Pack his duffel.-Spoon. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. President. of course. Now. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. And you were born . Come up and pack my duffel. don't be worried. you signed as next of kin. Well. darling? -Martha. -Well. -It's yours. He's President. dear. -Me too. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. -What's wrong about that. We don't want anything to go wrong.
So brother married her. Quiet! -But.we didn't want to lose her. Your real father was a cook. I really did see-- . -Goodbye. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. .about three months afterwards. He was a chef on a tramp steamer... It's true. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. too. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. They're off to a flying start. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine... Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye.
Mr. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. We're going to Niagara Falls. Mortimer. its operators.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. I'm a son of a sea cook. Call me a cab. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. But. Yes. love. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . dear.
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