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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
but no man with this published attitude. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed... I must be catching cold..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.. at any time. Bless you.. No.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks..Their old man left them fixed for life. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. watch your language. Brophy.. You know I'm not a swearing man.. . Sister Martha and I are so happy.... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. . He used to come to see us only occasionally." either... .... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. Remember now.. dear.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. You'd be surprised .. Don't you call them "the girls. . Reverend Harper. and now.. He's so very much in love with her.should take any man's daughter anyplace. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. .
sir? It's nice to meet you. Gentlemen. You know the Reverend Dr. This is Officer O'Hara. No. we have nothing to report. I'll go. He's taking over my beat. -Come right in. absolutely nothing to report. what news have you brought me? Colonel. dear. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. Splendid! Thank you. Brophy? . Brophy. Mr. by the library door. Thank you. we came for the toys. Teddy. no. The toys are on the chair up here. They're all packed. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. -How do you do.what they'd consider swearing. You get tired of playing cards. This is Officer O'Hara. How do you do. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. That's splendid work you men do. At ease. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. the new man on the beat. Teddy. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Will you excuse me? No. -Miss Abby. gentlemen.
There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. You've done so much already. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Sarge.She's better.. Look.. That's right. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Father.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Please don't bother.. Isn't it a shame.. I promised I wouldn't swear. But a little weak.and the neighbors raised Cain.. Now don't do that again. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . thank you... if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. . but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. He's an interesting character. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. Gentlemen. Isn't it a shame. Teddy. They're afraid of him. . still... I'll make a note. Reverend.
Officer O'Hara. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Be sure it's good and hot. this is grand. Colonel. -Thank you. It'll make a lot of kids happy. You bet I will. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Hey. No. -The children will go crazy.. Colonel. Sarge. how do you do? Miss Martha. now. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. -Reverend. Yes. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. Martha.. Thank you. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. dear. -Don't mention it. you're back. it goes to Australia. Brophy. Dismissed! . So long. and thank you very much. Miss Brewster. -Now. Here's the broth for Mrs. -These are lovely. He's taking over my duties. Teddy. -Not at all.Well. put it back..
.-Goodbye and thank you. Goodbye. we thought if he'd be George Washington. and we suggested it. Young man. if he's happy. . -Don't mention it. I must be going. and what's more important. a long time ago.. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. -Careful of the step with the toys. you're happy. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. -Good night. Do you remember. indeed.. Well..it might be a change for him.. Martha? Once. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. . let that be a lesson to you. -Well. That is quite a problem... Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.. Yes.
-But all by yourself. why? Good news for you. -No. You know. too. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Martha. and Reverend Harper was coming. I do believe he's beginning to see the light.. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. I didn't know when you'd be back. I just couldn't wait for you. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. There wasn't time. Did you just have tea? Yes. -I'll run right downstairs and see. . sweet Reverend Harper. And I was all alone.. dear.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. -I got along fine. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. So. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. dear. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. Dear.. And dinner's going to be late.
. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. But. -It's Elaine! -Hello. Hold on to that. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -This old cab has seen osculation but. There they are. Mortimer. -You ain't seen anything yet. -But that was only Sunday. right out here with everyone looking. Mortimer. I don't like that look in your eyes. right out here with everyone looking? Yes.. -Take her hat. keep them.Well? Just look in the windowseat. If you find her hairpins. Please! For heaven's sake! But.. Here's your hat. -But. Wait a minute. Just throw it. you're going to love me . He did? What did he say? -He was against it. -You've got to drive us to the station. And her brooch. buddy. darlings.
too? One thing at a time. darling. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. . I can handle Father. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. You should've seen my secretary's face.for my mind. Go on. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. There. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. Look.. Yes. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. I don't have to.. the bridal suite in the hotel. you see! You see? That's what I mean.. We've a room on the train. .. It goes just before this. He's a dear. That's what I hate about women. don't tell your father. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia... hurry and pack.. You'll see it often. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I started packing the day after I met you. There's that look again! "There's that look again. No.
-Father may want to pray over me. -It'll be a few minutes. What? Now? No. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. We're married. hurry.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. Hold on to your bustles. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. open the front door fast. it's me. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. -Whistle when you're ready. dark streak of light. Isn't it too. Brewster? Good. And throw in a flock . If you see a tall. When you whistle. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Grand Central Station. you two old frauds. Elaine and I are married. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Hurry. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. darling. here. Oh.
dear. You know how your books upset him. -And. too. I'm going to burn all my books. A taxi's waiting. a wedding cake. of course. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. -You won't have time to bake a cake. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. Oh. I'll run along and get everything ready. Did everybody know I was getting married. It's all ready. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. But before you go. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. Of course. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. . I'll let the Reverend light the first match. Well. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. you've got the nicest nephew in the world.of orange blossoms. We're going to Niagara Falls. we can have our celebration.
My. dear. you know. I saw a play. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Mr. Mr. Goodbye. He'd scare grownups with it. Isn't it wonderful? Well. "Oh. reminded me of Jonathan. Hello. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. I'm off to Panama. had a character in it. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Mortimer! -How are you. Yes. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. President? -Bully. Oh. dear! . tell the news to Mother" -Oh. I know. A new lock for the canal.Now you behave. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. what a face! I remember now. President. Just bully. goodbye. thank you.
Yes. you can't get his mind on anything else. . we talked with Reverend Harper about it. The next thing-Hey. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. dear. darlings. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. That's after we're gone. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. dear. the first thing you see is a dead body. When Teddy's working on the canal. Yes. listen. Teddy's killed a man. darling! Never mind that now. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -There's no such hurry as that. Get him up here now.Yeah. what a play. mister. We know. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. darlings. look. At once! -He's in the cellar. I'm frightfully sorry. Well. When the curtain goes up. but I've got an awful shock for you. Now. -You know? -Of course.
He died first. Who is he? He's a Mr. Mortimer. You mean you. No. it has a distinct odor. dear. how did he die? Mortimer. Wait! Stop all this. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable...Now. That's really all I know about him. men just don't get into windowseats and die.. Adam Hoskins. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. You put it in the wine? . What the. except that he's a Methodist. You just forget about it.. don't be so inquisitive. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek... Now look. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. When it's in tea. Aunt Martha. Hoskins. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
but this time we'll go where we want to go. She's much better. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well.. That wouldn't have been very nice. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. It's first-degree. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . tomorrow or next day. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. We must do that.because Reverend Harper was coming. Abby. Look at me. not at tea. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Now. Hoskins in the windowseat. Schultz. The dears. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.. you know all about it and just forget about it. darling. Yes. And I put Mr. .Yes. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. Mortimer.
digging the lock. -Stop worrying about it. -We'll let you lick the bowl. dear. We don't intend to. dear. Mr.. . You can't. They have so much fun.. Now. dear. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. That's what we did with the others. -But Mr. Mortimer. you behave. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. dear.. here. I want to know what we're going to do. you can't leave him in there. Teddy's down in the cellar now. Look. I know what his name is. don't be so impatient. Aunt Martha. -We can't turn you over to the police. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. Mortimer. We told you to forget the whole thing. it is. Hoskins.Yes. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. You're going to bury Mr. Whatever his name is. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate.
dear. I get them mixed up sometimes. Makes it 12. isn't it. When you say "others. Abby.. I didn't mean-- . Hoskins first came in.. dear. Let me see now. keep your shirt on! Elaine.. This makes 12. dear. No. . I really don't think you should count the first one. Abby. dear. It does? Well. For heaven's sake. Abby. and that makes it 12. But. Hello. This is 1 1. This one is only 1 1 .-Others? -The other gentlemen. because I remember when Mr. I think you're wrong.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. Abby usually is. she's probably right. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. I was counting the first one." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Abby? No.. dear. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now.
. We felt so sorry for him. Where were we? Twelve. . when his heart attack came. ... you see.... He was such a lonely.. ...and he thought Mr. let's see. Martha? We made up our minds.to find that same peace.. Remember. .... we all took him down to Panama.. Tell me. Why. He was a Baptist...looking so peaceful.that if we could help other lonely..and he sat there dead in that chair. you poor.Now. You mean. All his kith and kin were dead.. .. Midgely. old men.. who was the first one? Mr. Never mind about that. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.... Teddy came up from digging in Panama.. .. Just sit down. Twelve! Yes. dear.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. So. . And that meant he had to be buried immediately. then and there.. Abby thinks we should count the first one. And then.. old gentleman.we would.
dear..then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " ...and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.. And then.because we know exactly what's to be done.... Wait a minute! Come here.... -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves..l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. No. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. so.. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. There. for a gallon of elderberry wine.... darling. dear. just a pinch of cyanide. Of course not! Well.. . .. Well. .. As a matter of fact.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. Should have quite a kick. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it... -Mortimer. ..
I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page.. Happy as a lark... we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. He's wonderful. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Winchell's no good. Don't worry about the cake. Singing away. Let me see.. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Who can I call up? Dewey... a sip of. That'd be nice. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim.He did? Well. Winchell? No. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. La Guardia. We must get that cake frosted. Let me see. digging locks. darling. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. I couldn't eat a thing. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Teddy! Of course. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Everybody knows he's crazy.
.on North Shore Road. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. What's wrong? Look at your hair. -How do I look? -You look fine. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. I'll call you up tomorrow. Something's happened. dark streak of light. Brooklyn. -Run on home. yes. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Yeah. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. you! Thought you were tall. please. I heard you whistle. What'd you do. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear.
I've got to come over and see you right away.. I'll tell you why I called you. Elaine. about Teddy. -Go to bed.. Judge. It won't wait until tomorrow. Judge. A thing happened. very important. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. he's-It's his bugle blowing. It's about Teddy. Judge.If I could only tell you. It's very. You better go home! -But. . You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. But it's a matter of life and. we were married today.. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. The police want to throw him into a state institution. darling. You smell so nice. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. We've got to do something immediately.
this would be a nice comfortable chair. Now. -All alone in the world? . -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. please. we can get him to Happy Dale. dear. -Well. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. New York. I'm sorry. do sit down.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. Don't like it. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Doorbell's ringing. Do step in. -My name's Gibbs. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Happy Dale. Another Miss Brewster. And this is my sister. It's a wonderful place. we're just setting the table for dinner. I'm Miss Brewster. How do you do? Come in. Operator? Give me long distance. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. I understand you've got a room to rent.
like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. I can see the headlines now.. we make this ourselves. It's elderberry wine. I'd like to see the room. skoal. Well. -Dale. Well. "A" Iike in "arsenic. -Thank you. "D" Iike in "dig. -Do sit down. . Martha." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us.. -No. The room's upstairs. That's right. you've come to just the right house. Happy Dale. Well. but the cemetery's full of them. I don't think I'll like it. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. Please.-Well.." when you dig a lock.
. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . Not that.Hello. What I mean is. I'm not drunk. I'm nervous.. it's wrong. but you've given me an idea! Darling.. murdered. madam. Don't do that.. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. People wouldn't understand..but it's not only against the law. Oh. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. He wouldn't understand. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. . you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you.
we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Witherspoon. Yes. please. Oh.and it would lead to trouble. Witherspoon speaking.. I see.What? All right. we want to commit him there immediately. Well. Mr.-. Mr.. operator. do you-I'm fine. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Thank you. Well. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.That's amazing. Brewster. Bonaparte. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. How do you do. Of course. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. That's too bad. Thank you. And if-Oh. now.. Mr. Witherspoon. Oh. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Well.. . if he thought that-Mr. dear. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. thanks. Mr. if your mind is made up. . Have you had the papers drawn up? No. dear. Witherspoon.
I mean.Another Roosevelt. I love you both very much. . don't you? Yes.. darling.. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Mortimer. darling. I want you to do one thing for me. I can't talk to you. -But. I'll sing with you.. What on earth could happen to us? Well. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. Well.. Whosit where he is. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. you'll do that little thing for me. I can't concentrate. dear. You know I'd do anything for you. but I want you to promise me something. dear.. Now listen. we'd have to know what it was first. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. like good girls. Oh. Anyway. Get off that thing. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr..
cab! Here you are. well. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. I'm so happy for Elaine. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Remember. What is it? Mr. You know. anything. I can go faster that way.I'll dance with you. that's right. You promise? Good. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Shame! Such a nice hat. -Don't open it. Sure. Oh. What? Stop that. . Why? He's just been married. Yes. The poor dears. I'll sit with you! Yeah.
We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Yes. A fatted calf?. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. Come in. Johnny. Drink. we'll need another hymnal. It's two men. I'm so hungry. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. -You look. dear. The family must still live here. and I've never seen them before. Johnny. This is the home of my youth. As a boy. -Do you recognize them? -No. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. it's a good hideout. As if we were expected. Johnny. -Let me look. doctor.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. they're strangers to me. There's one up in my room. I'll go. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. Look. . -Are you sure? -Yes.
that Grandma Brewster bought in England... Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby.. Aunt Martha.. you're not. And you.. . Your nephew. He's a plastic surgeon. so don't pretend you are. But I've seen that face before.. Jonathan. still the high collar...A good omen. It's Jonathan. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. his voice is like Jonathan's. Have you been in an accident? My face. Aunt Martha. Einstein is responsible for that.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. No. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. You just get out of here.. you know. Dr. . Why. . You're nothing like Jonathan.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
. How do we get him in here? Yes.You remember that. six feet long..Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. . Come here.. I don't have to go into details. Bed. we can't just walk Mr. . We expect to be very busy. I could be disagreeable.. Spenalzo in through the door. I forgot to tell you. Spenalzo. And it just fits Mr. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. See the hole he's digging.. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. -Down here. Quick.. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. we'll bring him in through the window. Spenalzo along. Four feet wide. as a boy. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. That's hospitality. Rather a good joke on my aunts.
Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. He said the canal was just the right size. And he's been so patient. I don't want to leave it in the street. What are we going to do about Mr. there's been another yellow-fever victim. No. Teddy. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. we must keep it a secret. The car is all right where it is until morning. Promise? You have the word of the President . General Goethals was very pleased. A state secret? Yes. Hoskins downstairs right away. I think Teddy had better take Mr. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. a state secret. You'd better get to bed. the poor dear. Hoskins? Mr.We're moving the car behind the house. That might be against the law.
And then. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. . You can go right up. And we'll come down later and hold services.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal... You just come right along and see him now. I've never even seen Mr.. let's see. You know....of the United States.when I turn out the lights. We've never had yellow fever there before.. It seems to be spreading. when everything's dark here.. Both of you. he's really very nice looking. you were out. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. -And we don't go to bed this early. considering that he's a Methodist. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. Your room is waiting for you. Now get along. . But you must be very tired. Cross my heart and hope to die. Now. We're bringing the luggage through here. You two run along to bed. .
Run along. Just off the laboratory. You go round and hand him through. Good night. Yeah. Where am l? Here I am. I'll come back later. . -All right. It's dark in here.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Johnny. and I'll stay here and pull. Now! Turn out the lights. Aunt Martha. Take the bags upstairs. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Aunt Abby. He's all right. When I tap on the glass. we'll all go to bed. Doctor. For the instruments. you open the window. But he's too heavy for me. Aunt Abby. I'll open the window. All right. I'll take a look around outside the house. You go outside and push. And then together we take him down to Panama. -I'll be right up. Now. We must be quick.
Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. -But his shoe came off. Now I have him. You lost a leg somewhere. Hand him over. it's Brewster. I live next door. I'm a brand-new Brewster. I mean. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Go open. He's so heavy. Now I've got him! Johnny.Who left this open? Okay. Mortimer. -Be careful. I'm not very used to it. up! Now. Now I got him. Help me. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go. Help me. wait a minute. wait a minute. Now I have him. He's so heavy. quick. somebody's at the door. Doctor! . Allez.
I'm in this house every day. That explains everything. May I present Dr. .It's all right.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door.. they talk about you. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. I've never seen you before. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. Now that I know who you are. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster.. that's all. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. -You've heard of me? -Yes. Einstein? Dr. It's okay. We happen to live here. -You're Jonathan. . And something of a magician. You don't live here.. "That explains everything. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan.." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.
the cellar. It's going to be a private funeral. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Alice. But if he's not home.I suppose it was you. No! Don't be a tomboy. Charge! Doctor. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. a sneak thief. I came to see Mortimer. I'll run--You've given two names. No visitors. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. that's all! I see. Is that why you came over here? No. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. -What else did you see? -Just that. . Go back to your room.
-We'll call the police..." Listen. Mortimer.. Mortimer. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Go back to your room. darling. I talk. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. -I'll handle this.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Einstein. . Mortimer.. it talks! Yes... he--Wait a minute. . Mortimer. "I've come back home. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. -What? I've come back home. Mortimer. -Mortimer.
Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. We don't take up much room. just a moment. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. We invited Jonathan and Dr. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. -In fact. No. Nothing to..Yeah. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. be a good fellow. . Einstein to stay. I remember. Please. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat.. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. -What? -Just for tonight. I'm staying here tonight. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Here's $10. Now look. I'm staying here from now on. Now.
you know what I do to people who order me around.Mortimer. Elaine. Spenalzo. -Killed? Aunt Abby. darling? -I almost got killed. What? What's going to happen to Mr. I'll tell you about him. that. I've completely lost track of Mr. . Spenalzo. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. While we are packing. Now. Mortimer. Mr. I'll take care of you. Johnny. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. -Oh. in just a little while. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Doctor. Don't bring anyone else in here. Wait! Who's this Mr. beat it! It's all right. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter.
.. please. Forget it. I'm afraid of him. . We were married today. I don't understand you. look. I'm here now.-It was worse than that. Witherspoon. I got things to do. Yes. .. Brewster. Well.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat... . But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. Darling. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. don't worry about it. -You'd better run along home.your brother tries to strangle me. a taxi's waiting. -But--Please. He's some kind of a maniac. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. Well. -What? Go on home like a good girl.. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0.. Mr. I can't hear the man. we were going over Niagara Falls..
but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. well. I know it's late.I've got the papers all drawn up. . Doctor. Let me think about this thing. By the way.. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. taxi...put them in a barrel. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon.. .. signature. wedding ring. of course? By the doctor? Oh. I'll get both signatures. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. Thank you. Yeah. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. darling. Teddy. windowseat.. darling. come right away.
And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. where is Mr. Mr. Yes. It is not Mr. I did. . This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. dear.No. Hoskins! -By the way. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. you come in here now! Yes. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. he's mistaken. You admitted you put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Hoskins. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in.
No. I'm in no mood to debate the question. And I've also decided that you're leaving.. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. Oh. poor dear.He's down there waiting for the services. and I mean now.. I've decided that we're staying. . We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. dear. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. I did.. Listen. Don't. what with Jonathan in the house. We haven't had a minute. Are you getting out. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Mortimer. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. you come straight along here. Martha. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. handsome.
I owe you an apology. This is our nephew. -Yes.Aunt Abby. You can't ask for more than that. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Listen. too. . I've got some very good news for you. Einstein and that cold companion with him. You're my brother. -Glad to see you. -No! Come in. Put down that telephone. And he's taking Dr. Don't reach for the telephone. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you.. in that case. Well? All right. Remember.. do come in. -Pleased to meet you. I'll have to call the police. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Jonathan is leaving. Come right in. -And this is another nephew.. you're a Brewster. what happened to Mr. Mortimer. Jonathan. Officer. Spenalzo can happen to you. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. darling.
Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Spenalzo. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.Your face is familiar. I got to ring in. All three of you: you. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. well. I'm working on a play now. You can tell me all about it.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. If you don't leave here. I can spell like the dickens. Einstein and Spenalzo. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. You are? Well. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. . Dr. but I can't spell them. Officer O'Hara. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. -I'll be running along. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. This is your last chance. Mr.
you lose your head. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Johnny. Now get going! All three of you.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Come. We've got a wonderful setup here. Please! Doctor. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . let's go. Right with you. We're sleeping right here in this house. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Okay. Please. No. no. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. please. Look. Only Mortimer stands in our way. But we've got trouble enough as it is. We can make a fortune. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. We're not going. I never did like Mortimer. O'Hara. we're coming back here. Just give me one moment. Johnny. take it easy. After that. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Two old ladies as a front.
. Well. If you tell O'Hara . You stay out of this.. -Excuse me. -My mother was an actress. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. you asked for it. -You're not going? -No. -Legitimate? Of course. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -Swell. Move fast. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. rehash it. It's no fly-by-night idea. -I like the first act. She was my mother. Yes. Well.. We're not going. All right. we got an ace in the hole. I worked on it for 12 years.in the cellar. -I don't know. Mortimer. I'll be back in a minute. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes.
Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. Genius at work. I assure you.. You'd better ring in.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. I'll meet you there later.. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest..what's in the windowseat. Bohemian atmosphere. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. This opening will kill you. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Lowbrows.. .
Martha.Look. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Well. -Can't wait! Doctor. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. Jonathan. You haven't. You've got to take him with you! . That was just Mortimer.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo.. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Yes. Where do you.. doctor. Did he look guilty! Well. will you? This is a great play.. You won't stand me up.. Perish the thought.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. I think we can start the services now. you ring in and I'll see you later. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. You're smug. The moment the doctor signs. I expect to find you gone. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's.. Where are those papers? There they are. -I'll see you down there. And speaking of services... We thought we heard you leave. When I come back. .. dear aunties.. I don't care who knows about Hoskins.
There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Twelve graves. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Why. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Hoskins. Spenalzo. Doctor. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. what we've been doing is a mercy. He must mean Mr. -He's one of our gentlemen. Besides. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. It's one of our charities. . -But Mr. Mr. Mr. They're both dead. You mean. there's no room for Mr. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Hoskins is no stranger. Hoskins--Mr. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -Your gentlemen? Yes. The cellar's crowded already.
Phoenix? -The filling station. Arizona.. Don't brag.. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. and they do just as good as you do.. He died of pneumonia. What? You got 12.. There's Mr. one in Melbourne. . one in Sydney.. Two in Johannesburg.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. -Thirteen.. . Spenalzo out of here.. -Filling. Johnny. -No. You've done all that. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Spenalzo. You got 12. I've got 13. . they got 12. they got 12. .. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. You cannot count the one in South Bend...two in San Francisco. one in Phoenix..So you just take your Mr. You cannot count him.... That makes 13.. Then the first one in London.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. 12.
That's all. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. Make yourself comfortable. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. All I need is one more. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. . Gilchrist. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. that's easily taken care of. I'll be right back. This is most irregular. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. Pull up a tombstone. but I can't commit a man just on that.. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. are they? Well.. I know Teddy blows bugles... I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. -You wait here. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween..The old ladies is just as good as you are. Just one more. -You better wait. Dr. -Who? What? Did I say. If you'd talk with him.. seeing a doctor.l'm sure you'd be convinced. They are. but only you can help me. ..
looks good on you! Not the suit. . So far. yes. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. of course I love you. Certainly. with a Maxim silencer. $22.50! Oh.50. President.50! -What? $22. It wouldn't fit me. Welcome to Washington. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. -Do you? -Yes. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. Well now. -Mr. darling. It gives me a chance to rest. Not so good. the meter! "Looks good on me. so good. indeed. is it not? Yes. may I present--Dr." $22. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. that's that. thanks.-Hey. No.
but I won't be elected. I'll run for a third term.. darling. -That's what you think. Just because Teddy's strange. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. if the country insists. . That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. -Of course.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. Darling... Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. . but you see.well. that's ancient history. I love you so much. -What are you talking about? -Well... I probably should have told you this before. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. I don't quite know. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. Darling.. I can't go through with our marriage. but it's only a matter of time. It practically gallops. insanity runs in my family.. Doctor. that doesn't mean-No. It's way back before Teddy.
Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. go to bed! .Darling. Anytime you're in Washington. What of it? So your family's crazy. Ambassador. drop in to see me at the White House. sanest people I've ever known. Well. even they have their peculiarities. Thank you. That's the way I love you. I. but kiss me. There's no use doing what you're doing. I'm crazy too. all this doesn't prove a thing. They're Brewsters. Just go on signing the papers. aren't they? They're the sweetest. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Aunt Abby. It'll just have to be undone. no. -Go away. Goodbye. Look at your aunts.. -Those papers. I've enjoyed this little talk very much.. So you're crazy.. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. No. you better stop it.
Hoskins and Mr. Nice and smooth like a lake.. You're forgetting. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Bed feels good already. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Doctor. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed.. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Spenalzo in together. . Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. This is all fixed up nice now. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr.we're going for the police. . -Oh. Martha and I are going for the police.. You know.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.. All right. If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. let him. I'll get them out.
You can see that it's got to be done.-Remember. huh? The quick twist like in London. the Melbourne method. No! I am tired. Doctor. can't you? Yeah. perhaps. Doctor. I just heard him upstairs. we'll do it. Johnny. I know that look. Okay. go to bed. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. You are going to operate tomorrow. No. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. We'll do it tomorrow. Or the next day. But Johnny. Okay. I think this calls for something special. no police! No police! Look. what? . please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. Mortimer. Look at me. But the quick way. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. My brother. Doctor. Not the Melbourne method. not tonight! I'm sleepy. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. You forget. I think.
. Oh. Don't do that. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. A secret proclamation? How unusual. mice? -You get out of this house. -Please listen to me. President. So I have. You already have them on. President. Boy. I see! Very clever. will you. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. What a load off my mind. Mr. This must be secret. Johnny's in a bad mood. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Mr. Mr. What is it. Get out. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Mr. please? -What? Speak up.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Wait here. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. President. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. -I'll put on my signing clothes. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Mr. Yes. Hey. -Of course. President. Brewster.
You have a nice little wife waiting for you. but you go now. little fellow. Stop it. I'll take care of him. -What's that? Wait. Only for dramatic critics. Don't those plays you see all the time . Please. Horrible things. You take care of yourself.. Please go now. Get going. Mr. look.. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. 1919.. -I could use that.Are you really a doctor? Yes.he's a madman.. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. when Johnny's in that mood. Please. -My schnapps. -That's mine. But. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. please. You beat it before things start popping around here. You've just been married. Please listen to me.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Brewster. . He's a maniac! And then things happen. Doc-. Heidelberg.
Witherspoon. . When you get out of prison. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. it'll still be running when you get out. Now listen to this.. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. The murderer even invites him to sit down. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He's even been warned to get out. There's a play that's so bad.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. he doesn't. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. Isn't that great? So there he is.. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. And does he go? No. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord.. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. At least people in plays act like they got sense. There's a man.
Doctor. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.. but does he? No! See.. I've been away for 20 years. my dear brother. in a play or even in a movie. In Melbourne one night. This fellow's supposed to be bright. . Please. Yes. Johnny... The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. Look at the attitude. for me. Now get a load of this. Later on. But what does he do? The big chump sits there..we go to work. were you out of my mind. . the quick way. But never... He wasn't very bright.. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. Now. . I dreamt of you.a fellow never sees or hears anything. brother Heidelberg. you may consider that a blessing. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. All he has to do is look around. Mortimer. That's right.
-Please. We drink to you. Where are your manners? Yes. After all. please. Please! All right. there was some wine. Pull yourself together. One moment. Let's get it over with. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. You remember when we came in. We both have a drink before we operate. But I cannot see this without the drink. dead brother. To my dear. Where did they put it? I found some wine. And then they took it.-This must be an artistic achievement. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Mortimer. That's all. Here. That idiot! -He goes next. I'll split it with you.
They practically stole that from my play. sure. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.-We'll get to him later. out of a clear sky. then the quick way. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. I'll help you. Like a flash. .. The quick way. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. I see. Yeah. It's all right..the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. The quick way. -What happened to him? -Nothing. . In the second act. We're taking the bugle away from him. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. I'd better talk to him myself. yes! If it has to be.
I'm in great danger.He says.. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.. Growing into a magnificent specimen. "Miss Peaches La Tour. It's getting you.. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. in the meantime. You ain't heard nothing yet. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. Well.. -What? -I personally like it very much. please. -It's probably over his head. I'm walking along my beat. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.. It's an evolving stage. My mother doesn't say they're married. a fire breaks out. casual-like. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep.. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. All of a sudden. . . see? Little do I know it.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. The scene changes. there's me.
Get me Mac. The neighbors are phoning in.. -I heard him.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. this is Mortimer Brewster. That's the one that ran away. Right in the middle of the second act. Brewster's brother. So he came back. Brophy. -There's a vacant house on the corner. -He's going to help me write my play. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge.. ... Did they send you here? No. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. My play put him to sleep. Now. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in.. .when a guy that I'm following.. He says we've got to put him away someplace. so I pulls out my gun.. I figures I'll outsmart him. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. we came to warn the old ladies. -Johnny. boys. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. who the heck is this? Mr. -The colonel blew that bugle again.
Be careful what you say. At the Brewster house. Your aunts are friends of ours.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. . You think my aunts are sweet. Leave him to me. charming old ladies. We found him. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. So I've been turned in? All right. -Wait a minute. we'll hold him right here. -I'll show them to you. Brewster. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. Mr. Mr. -Come down to the cellar. I better let them know that I found you. don't you? Well. Brewster. It wasn't that bad. The Lieutenant is on his way over. Shall we bring him in? All right. you've got me. Thirteen bodies. 13. Yes.
Pat. Look out! Fight. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. I got something better. that's enough. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. -Go to the cellar with him. He looks like Boris Karloff. You could use this in the third act. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Amazing. . Such a fine day. Pat. Don't! Sarge! Look out. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. come to the cellar. -Go on down the cellar with him.I'll show you where they're buried. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. That's enough. I got him. look. too. please. look out! Amazing. Go on and fight. Everybody off. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Don't bother me now. -Yes. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Well.
Turn him over. I've tried it before-It did. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere.. -Witherspoon.. fight. Get him. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. Wish I could relax like that. dear. Don't do that. Pat.The papers are all signed. -Come in. That's fine. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Thank you very much. please. brother. Isn't that amazing? Oh. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Boris. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. What do I care? Go ahead. Telephone.. . I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. That won't have any effect.
He says 13 bodies are there.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. He's a lifer. pal. Now go on.. .. too. The guy who helped him escape." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.. Report in. "He looked like Karloff.... he's wanted. He's wanted. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.. You're going to have a long time on that play. .. About my not ringing in.you can at least read short detective stories. That's the way they described him. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. That's my brother. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. . In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. You're suspended. Certainly.
But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Colonel. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Get this gu y out of here. . Take him out and bring him to. Nothing to eat. Colonel. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. With flatheads like you on the force. I'm Mortimer Brewster. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. you've blown your last bugle. No sleep. Colonel. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. -Hey. Howdy. No. But I'm not myself today. you. keep out of that. This is a spy. I want to question him. We caught him at the White House.Here. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. -Questioning of spies is my department. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar.
You're his brother. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. no argument. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I'm liable to think anything. Witherspoon. -As long as he's going someplace. I know just how you feel. No arguments. I have come to get a Brewster. No arguments. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. started a murder rumor. -I'm waiting for Mr. Last year there was a crazy guy. Captain. Read this. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Look. take it easy. Just a minute. He's got to be put away. Any offers? I'm Mr. . Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight.
Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. . That's all right! Do that again for me. all I got to get is Witherspoon. it's chicanery. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Let me explain. Brewster? Mr. Now. This is fun. He's ready to talk. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. I'm so glad to see you. -Hold him till I get there. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.Mr. -That's fine. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Witherspoon is here. Never mind! Give me that pen.
it's a play. I sometimes envy some of our patients. It means a great deal to me. secretly.And no wagon when he leaves. You do? It must be a nice place. You know. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale.. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. Witherspoon. You never can tell. this is Mr. I've never been there. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. I have one waiting now. . This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. -The woods are full of them. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. you know-Captain. Taxicabs.. never. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. Something I've been working on. I shan't mind. -That's good. We always.. Why? To take him away? Never. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I want you to be just as harsh as you like.
-Come.. I have good news for you. Aunt Abby. President? Taft! No. Mr. I'll bring down my equipment. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . I must get started immediately. Taft.. Your term of office is over. Aunt Martha. President. I'm on my way to Africa. my boy. your guide to Africa. this isn't Mr. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well.. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Witherspoon. Now you can take him away. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Goodbye. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Mr. Happy man. This is Captain Rooney. all signed. Let's see. It's Mr. you got it wrong. -What is this? No.
The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. indeed? It's sweet of them. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Now. he can't go now! We won't permit it. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. you'll have to take us with him. -We won't be separated from Teddy. You've come to meet Teddy. -I'm sorry. Too dangerous. -If he's going. we're going. We promise to take his bugle away from him. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. ladies. You could arrange that. Why not? Why not. he's come to take him. . How can you allow this? You promised. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. dear. No. Oh. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. haven't you? No. Dissension. jealousy. but impossible. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. I've got it. let's be sensible.It's all right. too! -Yes.
And there are hundreds more up in the attic. You just ask our nephew. No. Mortimer. .. -How about it? -I'll be right there.and we'll get them all together. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. . Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. you wouldn't have to dig. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. He's been a little strange all day. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. -I'll tell you what we'll do.. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. The graves are all marked.It ain't only his bugle blowing. What? Yes. Things are going to get worse. -I'll look in that cellar. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar.
I put neon lights on mine. Smile. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. -Certainly. Hasn't got it yet. Spenalzo. Humor them. humor them. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. None of mine are gentlemen.. . Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Where are they? . There's one down there. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. If we can go with Teddy. Teddy committed himself.. we'll sign the papers.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. -Flowers? Sure. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. a Mr.. -You mustn't mind him at all. -He got married today. It's amazing. "There is a Happy Dale far..
right here. Dr. Oh. The neighborhood here has changed so. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Dr. -Come here. -A doctor? -Yes. -Good night. Doctor? -Yes. Ladies. if you'll sign right here. here. please. It's on the right-hand side there. please. We've overlooked something. Now. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Yes. will you? I want this all cleaned up. Just sign right here. Doctor. I'm so sorry. -Were you leaving. -Here? -Yes. Maybe I can understand him.I have them. Doctor. I'm really looking forward to going. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. A doctor. Einstein. Sign them up. please. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. ladies. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Dr. . Thirteen bodies in the cellar. dear. Come along. please.
Thanks. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. It's contagious. You sign as next of kin. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Poses as a doctor. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Mr. Five-foot-three. . -Don't play games--You sign. But Dr. Okay. yes. Hello. Einstein! -Now. Pop eyes. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Doc. Witherport. will you? About 40. Talks with a German accent. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Don't mind me.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. The doctor has completed the signatures. It's your turn. Mac. It's all right. Mr. Mac. on the desk. That's great! Thanks. One hundred and forty pounds. I'm Brewster. Read it to me.
And you were born . President. Come up and pack my duffel. Well. Mortimer. -Me too. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. -What's wrong about that. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. don't be worried. you tell him. We're very happy about the whole thing. darling. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -Well. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. you know? And bring along my bugle. you signed as next of kin. of course.-Spoon. -Mine? You see. -What. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. We don't want anything to go wrong. darling. darling? -Martha. -It's yours. dear. Now. -Here. but that's just it. He's President. dear. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Einstein--But it's not his signature.
Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. too. . They're off to a flying start.. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. It's true.we didn't want to lose her.about three months afterwards. Your real father was a cook. I really did see-- . You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. -Goodbye.. Quiet! -But. So brother married her. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. He was a chef on a tramp steamer..
But. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. We're going to Niagara Falls. dear. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. I'm a son of a sea cook. Mortimer. Mr. love.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Yes. its operators. Call me a cab. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver.
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