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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
dear. watch your language. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. Brophy. Bless you.. ... Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.." either. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. Remember now.but no man with this published attitude.. He's so very much in love with her.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. No. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room... I must be catching cold..Their old man left them fixed for life.. at any time. Sister Martha and I are so happy... Don't you call them "the girls..they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. .. He used to come to see us only occasionally. .he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. . .. Reverend Harper... I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer... You'd be surprised . You know I'm not a swearing man. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. and now..should take any man's daughter anyplace.
we have nothing to report. The toys are on the chair up here. by the library door. Gentlemen. No. -How do you do. This is Officer O'Hara.what they'd consider swearing. Teddy. How do you do. -Miss Abby. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Will you excuse me? No. You know the Reverend Dr. Splendid! Thank you. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Brophy? . He's taking over my beat. what news have you brought me? Colonel. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Thank you. You get tired of playing cards. They're all packed. absolutely nothing to report. At ease. sir? It's nice to meet you. Teddy. gentlemen. no. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. I'll go. Mr. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. the new man on the beat. That's splendid work you men do. dear. This is Officer O'Hara. we came for the toys. -Come right in. Brophy.
Look.and the neighbors raised Cain. Father.. But a little weak. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . He's an interesting character. I'll make a note. Please don't bother. I promised I wouldn't swear. You've done so much already... Gentlemen. Isn't it a shame. Reverend. . Sarge.. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless... Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. Now don't do that again. They're afraid of him. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. That's right.. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. still. . Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters..... if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Teddy.She's better. Isn't it a shame. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. thank you. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.
Well. -Reverend. Dismissed! . -Thank you. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Colonel. this is grand. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. You bet I will. Brophy. He's taking over my duties. -Not at all.. Sarge. So long. Colonel. -These are lovely. -The children will go crazy. Yes. how do you do? Miss Martha. Miss Brewster. now. put it back. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. Here's the broth for Mrs. No. Thank you. -Now.. Be sure it's good and hot. dear. Teddy. The Army and Navy are ready for action. you're back. Martha. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. and thank you very much.. it goes to Australia. Hey. -Don't mention it. Officer O'Hara.
no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Do you remember... That is quite a problem. Young man.. and what's more important..-Goodbye and thank you. Yes. Martha? Once.... and we suggested it. indeed. a long time ago. Goodbye. you're happy. -Good night. -Don't mention it. if he's happy.. I must be going. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. Well.it might be a change for him. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. . . -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Careful of the step with the toys. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. -Well. we thought if he'd be George Washington.. let that be a lesson to you.
. sweet Reverend Harper. -But all by yourself.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. dear.. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. I just couldn't wait for you. And I was all alone. Martha. Dear.. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. dear. And dinner's going to be late. So. too. and Reverend Harper was coming. -No. Did you just have tea? Yes. why? Good news for you. . Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. There wasn't time. -I'll run right downstairs and see. You know. -I got along fine. I didn't know when you'd be back.
-But that was only Sunday. -You ain't seen anything yet. keep them. Hold on to that. Please! For heaven's sake! But. Wait a minute. -You've got to drive us to the station. -Take her hat. Here's your hat.. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Just throw it. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Mortimer. right out here with everyone looking. darlings. Mortimer. you're going to love me .. -It's Elaine! -Hello.Well? Just look in the windowseat. And her brooch. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. I don't like that look in your eyes. buddy. But. There they are.. If you find her hairpins. -But. right out here with everyone looking? Yes.
You should've seen my secretary's face. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. the bridal suite in the hotel. you see! You see? That's what I mean. . You know what we're doing? Wasting time.. hurry and pack... Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I started packing the day after I met you. No..for my mind.. He's a dear. There's that look again! "There's that look again. Look... Yes. darling. That's what I hate about women. I can handle Father. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. I don't have to. . Mortimer! " You better get used to it. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. don't tell your father. Go on. too? One thing at a time. You'll see it often. It goes just before this. We've a room on the train. There.
Send four dozen more to drawing room A. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. darling. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. -It'll be a few minutes. hurry. Hurry. Isn't it too. If you see a tall.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. -Whistle when you're ready. dark streak of light. Grand Central Station. Did you send those roses to Mrs. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. here. What? Now? No. Elaine and I are married. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. Hold on to your bustles. it's me. Oh. open the front door fast. -Father may want to pray over me. Brewster? Good. When you whistle. We're married. And throw in a flock . you two old frauds.
You know how your books upset him. -You won't have time to bake a cake. . It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. Well.of orange blossoms. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. of course. a wedding cake. Oh. We're going to Niagara Falls. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. Of course. I'll run along and get everything ready. Did everybody know I was getting married. -And. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. I'm going to burn all my books. dear. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. But before you go. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. A taxi's waiting. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. we can have our celebration. too. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. It's all ready.
what a face! I remember now. Oh. Hello. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. President. "Oh. dear! . Mr. Yes. you know. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. goodbye. I'm off to Panama. I saw a play.Now you behave. He'd scare grownups with it. thank you. reminded me of Jonathan. had a character in it. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. President? -Bully. Mortimer! -How are you. Really? A honey of a lunatic. I know. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Goodbye. Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Well. A new lock for the canal. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. My. Just bully. dear.
the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing-Hey. dear. Yes. look. -You know? -Of course. mister. . When the curtain goes up. you can't get his mind on anything else. When Teddy's working on the canal. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. but I've got an awful shock for you. I'm frightfully sorry. Teddy's killed a man. Get him up here now. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. Well. -There's no such hurry as that. darlings. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Yes. At once! -He's in the cellar. dear. what a play. Now. darlings. darling! Never mind that now. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. listen.Yeah. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. That's after we're gone. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. We know.
You mean you. Hoskins. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Adam Hoskins. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. No. how did he die? Mortimer. What the.. He died first. Mortimer. That's really all I know about him.. it has a distinct odor. You put it in the wine? . When it's in tea. You just forget about it. Now look..Now. Aunt Martha.. men just don't get into windowseats and die. don't be so inquisitive. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. Wait! Stop all this. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. except that he's a Methodist.. Who is he? He's a Mr.. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. dear.
That wouldn't have been very nice. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. Look at me.... I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. . And I put Mr. The dears.Yes. It's first-degree. darling. Yes. We must do that. tomorrow or next day. Schultz. Mortimer. Now.. not at tea. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. She's much better. you know all about it and just forget about it. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Hoskins in the windowseat. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. but this time we'll go where we want to go. Abby.because Reverend Harper was coming. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . while I was out I dropped in on Mrs.
-Stop worrying about it. -We'll let you lick the bowl. -We can't turn you over to the police. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. dear. We told you to forget the whole thing. I know what his name is. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes.. Whatever his name is. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. You can't. You're going to bury Mr. don't be so impatient. That's what we did with the others.. We don't intend to. I want to know what we're going to do.Yes. Aunt Martha. Teddy's down in the cellar now. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Hoskins. Look. you behave. Now. -But Mr. you can't leave him in there. here. They have so much fun. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. . Mortimer. Mortimer. dear. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. dear. Mr. dear. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now.. digging the lock. it is.
keep your shirt on! Elaine. dear.. Makes it 12. Abby usually is. isn't it. But. I really don't think you should count the first one.. and that makes it 12. Abby. Abby.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. dear. Abby? No. No. I was counting the first one. Hello. I think you're wrong. dear. This one is only 1 1 . dear. This is 1 1. I get them mixed up sometimes. Abby. When you say "others. because I remember when Mr. This makes 12. Let me see now. .. she's probably right. Hoskins first came in. I didn't mean-- . It does? Well. dear. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. For heaven's sake.." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes.
.. .... let's see. ..looking so peaceful. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then..and he thought Mr.we would.. We felt so sorry for him... Remember. . old men. .. then and there.. And then.... who was the first one? Mr. Where were we? Twelve...and he sat there dead in that chair. when his heart attack came. ..to find that same peace.. You mean. Why.... Teddy came up from digging in Panama. Twelve! Yes. Never mind about that. He was a Baptist.Now. you poor. He was such a lonely.. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. Midgely. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. . dear... you see. Just sit down. Martha? We made up our minds.that if we could help other lonely.. . we all took him down to Panama. So. old gentleman.. Abby thinks we should count the first one. Tell me. All his kith and kin were dead...
now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .. There.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.. Well..in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. dear. . darling.... . just a pinch of cyanide...because we know exactly what's to be done.... As a matter of fact... You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. Wait a minute! Come here. so.. Of course not! Well. No. Should have quite a kick. -Mortimer. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. for a gallon of elderberry wine.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. . .. dear....l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. And then.
Don't worry about the cake.. Everybody knows he's crazy. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.He did? Well. Let me see. Winchell's no good. a sip of. darling. I couldn't eat a thing. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Let me see. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page.. He's wonderful. Happy as a lark. That'd be nice.. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number.. digging locks. We must get that cake frosted. Winchell? No. Singing away. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night... A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. La Guardia. Who can I call up? Dewey. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Teddy! Of course.
yes. -How do I look? -You look fine. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. What'd you do. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. you! Thought you were tall. -Run on home. I heard you whistle. Yeah. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. What's wrong? Look at your hair. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. -Come on! -I'm so sorry.on North Shore Road. I'll call you up tomorrow. . please. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Brooklyn. Something's happened. dark streak of light.
-Go to bed. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. about Teddy. he's-It's his bugle blowing. But it's a matter of life and. It's about Teddy. darling.. It's very. Judge. We've got to do something immediately. Elaine. I've got to come over and see you right away. very important. Judge. we were married today. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. The police want to throw him into a state institution. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. A thing happened.. I'll tell you why I called you. . Judge. It won't wait until tomorrow..If I could only tell you. You smell so nice. You better go home! -But.
Operator? Give me long distance. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. -Well. I'm Miss Brewster. -My name's Gibbs. Happy Dale. I understand you've got a room to rent. we can get him to Happy Dale. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Now. Don't like it.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. dear. -All alone in the world? . It's a wonderful place. we're just setting the table for dinner. Do step in. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Doorbell's ringing. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. do sit down. please. New York. How do you do? Come in. this would be a nice comfortable chair. And this is my sister. I'm sorry. Another Miss Brewster.
Well. It's elderberry wine. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Well. Well. -Thank you. I'd like to see the room. but the cemetery's full of them. I don't think I'll like it. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. I can see the headlines now. Please. That's right. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy." when you dig a lock. -Dale. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes.. The room's upstairs. -No." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. we make this ourselves. Martha. you've come to just the right house. "D" Iike in "dig.-Well.. Happy Dale.. skoal. . -Do sit down.
Don't do that... you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you..but it's not only against the law. Oh. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do.Hello.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. murdered.. it's wrong. . What I mean is. I'm nervous. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . People wouldn't understand. Not that.. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. He wouldn't understand.. but you've given me an idea! Darling. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. I'm not drunk. madam.
How do you do. Well. Witherspoon.and it would lead to trouble. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Mr. Bonaparte. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. That's too bad. do you-I'm fine. we want to commit him there immediately. dear. Yes. thanks. Thank you.. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. if your mind is made up. Well. Thank you. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Brewster.That's amazing. Well. . Oh.What? All right. Witherspoon.-. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. now.. Mr. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. . please. Brewster? How are you? Mr. dear. Mr. I see. Oh. Mr.. Witherspoon speaking. if he thought that-Mr. Of course. And if-Oh. Witherspoon.. operator.
I'm going to Judge Cullman's. like good girls.Another Roosevelt. we'd have to know what it was first. darling. Get off that thing. I'll sing with you. -But. Now listen.. . Whosit where he is. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I want you to do one thing for me. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is.. you'll do that little thing for me. but I want you to promise me something. Well. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. Anyway.. I mean. don't you? Yes. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. I can't talk to you. I love you both very much. dear. Mortimer. I can't concentrate. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. Oh.... What on earth could happen to us? Well. darling. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. dear. You know I'd do anything for you.
I'm so happy for Elaine.I'll dance with you. What is it? Mr. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Oh. that's right. What? Stop that. -Don't open it. Why? He's just been married. Yes. Remember. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. I can go faster that way. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. The poor dears. . Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Shame! Such a nice hat. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. You know. You promise? Good. well. cab! Here you are. anything. Sure.
I'll go.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. I'm so hungry. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. This is the home of my youth. -Are you sure? -Yes. we'll need another hymnal. -Let me look. doctor. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. and I've never seen them before. The family must still live here. . -Do you recognize them? -No. Come in. A fatted calf?. As if we were expected. Johnny. dear. Johnny. Drink. Look. There's one up in my room. As a boy. It's two men. Yes. they're strangers to me. -You look. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Johnny. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. it's a good hideout.
that Grandma Brewster bought in England... so don't pretend you are. It's Jonathan. Why. You just get out of here. you know. No.. He's a plastic surgeon. Have you been in an accident? My face. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you... Dr. his voice is like Jonathan's.A good omen. Jonathan. still the high collar... But I've seen that face before. . . Aunt Martha. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Einstein is responsible for that.. You're nothing like Jonathan. Your nephew. And you. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. . Aunt Martha.. you're not..
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
six feet long. we'll bring him in through the window. I forgot to tell you. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.. And it just fits Mr. Rather a good joke on my aunts. We expect to be very busy. That's hospitality. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. Spenalzo along. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.. Quick. See the hole he's digging. we can't just walk Mr. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.. . Bed.You remember that. as a boy. -Down here. Spenalzo. . Four feet wide. Spenalzo in through the door.. I could be disagreeable. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. Come here.. How do we get him in here? Yes. I don't have to go into details..Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.
A state secret? Yes. I don't want to leave it in the street. Hoskins downstairs right away. Promise? You have the word of the President . Teddy. we must keep it a secret. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. Hoskins? Mr. a state secret. there's been another yellow-fever victim. No. He said the canal was just the right size. And he's been so patient. General Goethals was very pleased.We're moving the car behind the house. What are we going to do about Mr. That might be against the law. You'd better get to bed. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. the poor dear. I think Teddy had better take Mr. The car is all right where it is until morning.
when I turn out the lights. .you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. -And we don't go to bed this early. considering that he's a Methodist. ..of the United States. Your room is waiting for you.... I've never even seen Mr. You two run along to bed. You know. when everything's dark here. You can go right up. And then. It seems to be spreading.. Both of you. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.. And we'll come down later and hold services. Now get along. You just come right along and see him now. let's see. Cross my heart and hope to die.. Now. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy.. . I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. he's really very nice looking. you were out. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. We've never had yellow fever there before. We're bringing the luggage through here. But you must be very tired.
Just off the laboratory. Yeah. I'll come back later. and I'll stay here and pull. For the instruments.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Good night. You go round and hand him through. . Now. Take the bags upstairs. Doctor. Aunt Abby. we'll all go to bed. I'll open the window. Where am l? Here I am. I'll take a look around outside the house. But he's too heavy for me. It's dark in here. When I tap on the glass. you open the window. -All right. We must be quick. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Aunt Martha. Now! Turn out the lights. Aunt Abby. Run along. He's all right. And then together we take him down to Panama. Johnny. You go outside and push. -I'll be right up. All right.
it's Brewster. I mean. Now I've got him! Johnny. quick. Doctor! . wait a minute. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. I live next door. Now I got him. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Mortimer. Go open. Allez. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go. somebody's at the door. He's so heavy. Now I have him. You lost a leg somewhere. wait a minute. up! Now. Now I have him. Help me. -But his shoe came off. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. -Be careful. Hand him over. Help me.Who left this open? Okay. He's so heavy. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. I'm not very used to it.
-You're Jonathan. .. We happen to live here." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. Einstein? Dr.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. I've never seen you before. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. I'm in this house every day. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan.. . -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster.. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. You don't live here. It's okay. Now that I know who you are. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. -You've heard of me? -Yes. And something of a magician. that's all. "That explains everything.. they talk about you. That explains everything. May I present Dr.It's all right.
But if he's not home. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter.I suppose it was you. -What else did you see? -Just that. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. Is that why you came over here? No. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. the cellar. Charge! Doctor. Go back to your room. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. I came to see Mortimer. No! Don't be a tomboy. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. a sneak thief. I'll run--You've given two names. that's all! I see. . It's going to be a private funeral. Alice. No visitors.
darling." Listen. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Do you hear me? Don't answer that.. Einstein. I talk. Mortimer. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Mortimer.. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. it talks! Yes... Go back to your room. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Mortimer.. he--Wait a minute.-We'll call the police. . .. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. -I'll handle this. -Mortimer. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. -What? I've come back home. Mortimer. Mortimer.. "I've come back home.
I remember.. I'm staying here tonight. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. -In fact. I'm staying here from now on. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. We don't take up much room. No. -What? -Just for tonight. Einstein to stay.. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat.Yeah. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. be a good fellow. Here's $10.. Nothing to. Now. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Please. . Now look. We invited Jonathan and Dr. just a moment.
what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Wait! Who's this Mr. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. I'll take care of you.Mortimer. in just a little while. you know what I do to people who order me around. darling? -I almost got killed. Doctor. Spenalzo. Mortimer. What? What's going to happen to Mr. beat it! It's all right. Don't bring anyone else in here. While we are packing. Elaine. -Oh. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Mr. I'll tell you about him. Johnny. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. that. . Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Now. I've completely lost track of Mr.
. Yes. a taxi's waiting. Mr. I'm afraid of him. Well. please. He's some kind of a maniac.. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. We were married today.. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. . Brewster.-It was worse than that.your brother tries to strangle me. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr.. . . Well. Darling.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. don't worry about it. Forget it. I can't hear the man. -You'd better run along home. we were going over Niagara Falls. -What? Go on home like a good girl. -He was going to kill me! -Wait... Witherspoon. I don't understand you. -But--Please. I'm here now.. look. I got things to do.
. signature. come right away... well. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. wedding ring. Teddy. . What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. By the way. .put them in a barrel. darling. I'll get both signatures. of course? By the doctor? Oh.. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. windowseat.. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. taxi.. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. I know it's late. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. Doctor.I've got the papers all drawn up. darling. Yeah.. Let me think about this thing. Thank you.
Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Hoskins! -By the way. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. . Hoskins in the windowseat. -What? You buried him? -Not yet.No. Yes. I did. where is Mr. Hoskins. dear. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. he's mistaken. It is not Mr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. You admitted you put Mr. Mr. you come in here now! Yes. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor.
Listen. I've decided that we're staying. No. dear. and I mean now.. And I've also decided that you're leaving. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. Are you getting out. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. I did.. poor dear. We haven't had a minute. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. Martha. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Don't. handsome. Oh. what with Jonathan in the house. you admit you poisoned them! Yes.He's down there waiting for the services. you come straight along here. Mortimer. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger.. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. .
in that case. Officer.. Jonathan is leaving. And he's taking Dr. darling. You're my brother. I've got some very good news for you. . You can't ask for more than that. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. -No! Come in. do come in. -Glad to see you.Aunt Abby. you're a Brewster. Spenalzo can happen to you. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. too. I owe you an apology. Jonathan. This is our nephew. what happened to Mr. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Listen. -Yes.. -And this is another nephew. Well? All right. I'll have to call the police. Come right in. Don't reach for the telephone. Put down that telephone. Mortimer.. Remember. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Einstein and that cold companion with him. -Pleased to meet you.
Spenalzo. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Officer O'Hara. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Dr. I can spell like the dickens. All three of you: you. . And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. well. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. You can tell me all about it. I got to ring in. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. If you don't leave here. Einstein and Spenalzo. This is your last chance. You are? Well. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.Your face is familiar. I'm working on a play now. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Mr. but I can't spell them. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. -I'll be running along. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out.
no. we're coming back here. take it easy. Right with you. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Then if he tries to interfere-No. please. Just give me one moment. Now get going! All three of you. Johnny. let's go. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Please. We're not going. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. After that. We've got a wonderful setup here.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. We can make a fortune. you lose your head. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. No. Okay. Come. Please! Doctor. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Only Mortimer stands in our way. We're sleeping right here in this house. Two old ladies as a front. O'Hara. Johnny. I never did like Mortimer. Look.
-You're not going? -No. -I like the first act. Mortimer.in the cellar. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -Excuse me. If you tell O'Hara . Yes.. we got an ace in the hole. We're not going. She was my mother. I'll be back in a minute.. You stay out of this. you asked for it. Well. Move fast. It's no fly-by-night idea. Well. -My mother was an actress. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Legitimate? Of course.. -Swell. rehash it. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. I worked on it for 12 years. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. All right. -I don't know.
I'll meet you there later. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .l'll tell him what's in the cellar. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. This opening will kill you. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Lowbrows. Genius at work. You'd better ring in. . Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead...what's in the windowseat. I assure you. Bohemian atmosphere. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.
will you? This is a great play. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. When I come back. I expect to find you gone. I think we can start the services now. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. ..Look. you ring in and I'll see you later. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Where do you. Well. Jonathan. The moment the doctor signs.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. dear aunties. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. We thought we heard you leave. -Can't wait! Doctor. Perish the thought. You've got to take him with you! .. Did he look guilty! Well... And speaking of services. Yes. That was just Mortimer.... doctor. You won't stand me up. -I'll see you down there.. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. You haven't... Martha. Where are those papers? There they are. You're smug.
Doctor. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Besides. Mr. -But Mr. It's one of our charities. there's no room for Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. . Hoskins--Mr. They're both dead. Spenalzo. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Mr. what we've been doing is a mercy. The cellar's crowded already. He must mean Mr. -He's one of our gentlemen. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. You mean. Twelve graves. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Hoskins is no stranger. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Why. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Hoskins.
Two in Johannesburg. You cannot count him. . He died of pneumonia. .right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful.. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. You've done all that.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. one in Phoenix. What? You got 12. I've got 13. Then the first one in London.. they got 12... . Phoenix? -The filling station. 12.. Don't brag. There's Mr.... You cannot count the one in South Bend. -Filling.. Spenalzo. -No.. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world.. Spenalzo out of here. Arizona. and they do just as good as you do... -Thirteen. one in Sydney. That makes 13.. one in Melbourne. Johnny.two in San Francisco.So you just take your Mr. You got 12.. . they got 12.
And I've a pretty good idea who it is. I know Teddy blows bugles. but only you can help me. .. Just one more.. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. . -You wait here... I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. That's all. seeing a doctor. but I can't commit a man just on that. Dr. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. -You better wait. that's easily taken care of. I'll be right back. -Who? What? Did I say. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. If you'd talk with him. This is most irregular.. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. Gilchrist. are they? Well.l'm sure you'd be convinced. They are.The old ladies is just as good as you are.. Make yourself comfortable. Pull up a tombstone.. All I need is one more.
Not so good. Certainly. is it not? Yes. yes." $22. So far. darling. President. looks good on you! Not the suit. Welcome to Washington. Well now. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes.50! -What? $22. $22. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. It wouldn't fit me. may I present--Dr. No.50. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. -Do you? -Yes. with a Maxim silencer. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. indeed.50! Oh. -Mr. that's that. of course I love you. thanks.-Hey. . so good. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. the meter! "Looks good on me. It gives me a chance to rest.
. -Of course. It's way back before Teddy. but it's only a matter of time. but I won't be elected. I probably should have told you this before. I can't go through with our marriage.. I'll run for a third term. . That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. darling. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. Darling. Doctor.well.. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. -What are you talking about? -Well. Darling. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.. It practically gallops. .. insanity runs in my family. but you see. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. that's ancient history. Just because Teddy's strange.. -That's what you think. if the country insists.. that doesn't mean-No. I don't quite know. I love you so much.
-Go away. Well. but kiss me. Aunt Abby. you better stop it. I'm crazy too. Look at your aunts.. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Anytime you're in Washington. -Those papers. Just go on signing the papers. No. Thank you. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Ambassador. all this doesn't prove a thing. They're Brewsters. I. even they have their peculiarities. What of it? So your family's crazy. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. go to bed! .. sanest people I've ever known. There's no use doing what you're doing.Darling. Goodbye. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. no. It'll just have to be undone. That's the way I love you. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. drop in to see me at the White House.. So you're crazy.
Nice and smooth like a lake. . no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.. Martha and I are going for the police. . I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. I'll get them out.. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. You know. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo in together. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning.. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. Doctor. Bed feels good already.we're going for the police. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.. let him. You're forgetting. Hoskins and Mr. -Oh. This is all fixed up nice now. All right.
go to bed. Look at me. Johnny. what? . We'll do it tomorrow. But Johnny. Not the Melbourne method. I know that look. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. can't you? Yeah. the Melbourne method. No. Doctor.-Remember. I think this calls for something special. huh? The quick twist like in London. My brother. You forget. we'll do it. Doctor. Or the next day. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. I just heard him upstairs. perhaps. You can see that it's got to be done. Okay. Okay. I think. not tonight! I'm sleepy. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. You are going to operate tomorrow. Doctor. But the quick way. no police! No police! Look. No! I am tired. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. Mortimer. I got to operate on your face tomorrow.
The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Mr. I can't hear you. -Please listen to me. I see! Very clever. Mr. Johnny's in a bad mood. You already have them on. Hey. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Oh. Don't do that. . please? -What? Speak up. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Get out! -Stop underplaying. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. So I have. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Boy. Mr. Yes. I can't hear you. Mr. -Of course. What a load off my mind. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Mr. Get out. President. What is it. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. President. President. President. This must be secret. Brewster. will you. mice? -You get out of this house. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Wait here.
Only for dramatic critics. I'll take care of him. Brewster. Doc-. but you go now. You've just been married. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. look. when Johnny's in that mood. You take care of yourself. Heidelberg. -That's mine.he's a madman. Mr. Don't those plays you see all the time .. Please listen to me.. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Stop it. Please. 1919.. He's a maniac! And then things happen. -What's that? Wait. Please go now. . Please.Are you really a doctor? Yes.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. You beat it before things start popping around here. Get going. -My schnapps. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. little fellow. But.. Horrible things. please. -I could use that.
. it'll still be running when you get out. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it.. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. he doesn't. When you get out of prison. Isn't that great? So there he is. Witherspoon. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. There's a man. And does he go? No. There's a play that's so bad.. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. The murderer even invites him to sit down. At least people in plays act like they got sense. He's even been warned to get out. Now listen to this. .
. the quick way. The big dope! You were right about that fellow.. my dear brother. This fellow's supposed to be bright.. I dreamt of you. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. for me. but does he? No! See. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. Yes.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. All he has to do is look around. Look at the attitude.. . brother Heidelberg. were you out of my mind.. Mortimer. I've been away for 20 years. in a play or even in a movie.. Doctor. He wasn't very bright. Later on. Now get a load of this.a fellow never sees or hears anything. Johnny... That's right. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. you may consider that a blessing. But never. In Melbourne one night.. . Please. Now.we go to work.
Here. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. To my dear. I'll split it with you. -Please. Mortimer. Pull yourself together. Let's get it over with. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. there was some wine. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . But I cannot see this without the drink. And then they took it. One moment. After all. dead brother. That's all. please. Please! All right. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink.-This must be an artistic achievement. We drink to you. Where are your manners? Yes. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. Where did they put it? I found some wine. We both have a drink before we operate. You remember when we came in. That idiot! -He goes next.
The quick way. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. sure.. -What happened to him? -Nothing. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. . I'd better talk to him myself. The quick way. . Like a flash. out of a clear sky. I see. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. I'll help you. then the quick way. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.. It's all right. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. We're taking the bugle away from him.. yes! If it has to be. In the second act. They practically stole that from my play.-We'll get to him later. Yeah. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up.
So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.He says. I'm walking along my beat.. a fire breaks out.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. The scene changes. -It's probably over his head... All of a sudden. please. Growing into a magnificent specimen. -What? -I personally like it very much. You ain't heard nothing yet. It's an evolving stage. there's me. My mother doesn't say they're married. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. see? Little do I know it. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. . What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. casual-like. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. . That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass... in the meantime. Well.. It's getting you. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. I'm in great danger. "Miss Peaches La Tour.
. Brewster's brother. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. That's the one that ran away. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. Brophy. boys. The neighbors are phoning in.. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. So he came back.. -I heard him. Right in the middle of the second act. He says we've got to put him away someplace. My play put him to sleep. -Johnny. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -There's a vacant house on the corner. Get me Mac.. this is Mortimer Brewster. -He's going to help me write my play. we came to warn the old ladies. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. .when a guy that I'm following.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. -The colonel blew that bugle again. so I pulls out my gun.. Did they send you here? No.. . who the heck is this? Mr.. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. Now. I figures I'll outsmart him.
-Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. -Come down to the cellar. Your aunts are friends of ours. we'll hold him right here. . Mr. The Lieutenant is on his way over. You think my aunts are sweet. At the Brewster house.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. So I've been turned in? All right. It wasn't that bad. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. 13. Brewster. Mr. don't you? Well. you've got me. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. We found him. -Wait a minute. Shall we bring him in? All right. Yes. Thirteen bodies. Brewster. charming old ladies. Be careful what you say. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. I better let them know that I found you. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Leave him to me. -I'll show them to you.
I got something better. please. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. -Yes. Well. I got him. Such a fine day. that's enough. Look out! Fight.I'll show you where they're buried. Pat. That's enough. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. He looks like Boris Karloff. -Go to the cellar with him. You could use this in the third act. Go on and fight. Pat. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing. -Go on down the cellar with him. Everybody off. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. . Don't! Sarge! Look out. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Don't bother me now. look. too. look out! Amazing. come to the cellar.
Turn him over. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. dear. -Come in. Boris.. brother. please. I've tried it before-It did. Don't do that.The papers are all signed.. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. What do I care? Go ahead. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. That won't have any effect. Isn't that amazing? Oh. That's fine. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. fight. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Telephone. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Pat. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. . Get him. -Witherspoon. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. Thank you very much.. Wish I could relax like that.
" Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. . He says 13 bodies are there.. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. That's my brother. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. "He looked like Karloff... Report in.you can at least read short detective stories.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. You're suspended. Certainly. About my not ringing in. he's wanted. too.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. He's wanted. You're going to have a long time on that play. Now go on. That's the way they described him. The guy who helped him escape..You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.. ... . He's a lifer. pal.
keep out of that. No. No sleep. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. But I'm not myself today. I want to question him. This is a spy. Nothing to eat. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. Colonel. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. We caught him at the White House.Here. you. -Questioning of spies is my department. With flatheads like you on the force. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. you've blown your last bugle. Colonel. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. I'm Mortimer Brewster. -Hey. Take him out and bring him to. Howdy. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. . -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle.
No arguments. There's people dumb enough to believe that. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. . -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Witherspoon. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. no argument. I know just how you feel. Look. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. -I'm waiting for Mr. take it easy. Read this. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. started a murder rumor. No arguments. Last year there was a crazy guy. He's got to be put away. Just a minute. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium.You're his brother. I have come to get a Brewster. I'm liable to think anything. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Any offers? I'm Mr. -As long as he's going someplace. Captain. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium.
Witherspoon is here. -Hold him till I get there. This is fun. He's ready to talk. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. it's chicanery.Mr. Let me explain." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. That's all right! Do that again for me. Now. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. . Never mind! Give me that pen. -That's fine. Brewster? Mr. all I got to get is Witherspoon. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. I'm so glad to see you.
Why? To take him away? Never. Witherspoon. You know. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. -That's good.. We always.. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. -The woods are full of them. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. secretly. never. You do? It must be a nice place. I've never been there. . it's a play. I sometimes envy some of our patients. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. It means a great deal to me. I shan't mind. this is Mr. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.And no wagon when he leaves. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. you know-Captain. Taxicabs.. Something I've been working on. I have one waiting now. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. You never can tell. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale.
Aunt Martha. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. I'll bring down my equipment.. Goodbye. Aunt Abby. Happy man. Mr. your guide to Africa.. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Taft. Mr. Now you can take him away. -What is this? No. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. I must get started immediately.-Come. Your term of office is over. I have good news for you. my boy. this isn't Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . President. you got it wrong. all signed. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. President? Taft! No. Witherspoon. Let's see. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. This is Captain Rooney. I'm on my way to Africa. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. It's Mr..
jealousy. he's come to take him. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. too! -Yes. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. I've got it. You've come to meet Teddy. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. ladies. dear. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. -If he's going. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. haven't you? No. Oh.It's all right. We promise to take his bugle away from him. Too dangerous. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Why not? Why not. he can't go now! We won't permit it. let's be sensible. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. -I'm sorry. indeed? It's sweet of them. we're going. but impossible. you'll have to take us with him. No. You could arrange that. How can you allow this? You promised. -We won't be separated from Teddy. . Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. Now. Dissension.
Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. The graves are all marked. No... What? Yes. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. -I'll look in that cellar. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Things are going to get worse. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. Mortimer. . And there are hundreds more up in the attic. You just ask our nephew. He's been a little strange all day. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. -I'll tell you what we'll do. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. -How about it? -I'll be right there. There are 13 bodies in our cellar..and we'll get them all together. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar.It ain't only his bugle blowing. . you wouldn't have to dig.
-But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Hasn't got it yet. Spenalzo. There's one down there. Humor them... "There is a Happy Dale far. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. humor them. -You mustn't mind him at all. It's amazing. -Flowers? Sure. Where are they? . Smile. None of mine are gentlemen.who doesn't belong here and has to leave..-We put flowers on them every Sunday. we'll sign the papers. Teddy committed himself. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. -He got married today. -Certainly. If we can go with Teddy. a Mr. I put neon lights on mine. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. ..
-Here? -Yes. Now. Sign them up. It's on the right-hand side there. Come along. -Were you leaving. -A doctor? -Yes. Doctor. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Dr. . Doctor? -Yes. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. please. please. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. here. The neighborhood here has changed so. We've overlooked something. -Come here. I'm going out to talk to that spy. please. Einstein. I'm really looking forward to going. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Maybe I can understand him. Dr. ladies. Ladies. Just sign right here. please. A doctor. Dr. Doctor. Oh. right here. dear. -Good night. will you? I want this all cleaned up. if you'll sign right here. Yes. I'm so sorry. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician.I have them.
Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Mac. will you? About 40. Pop eyes. The doctor has completed the signatures. -Don't play games--You sign. Poses as a doctor. That's great! Thanks. You sign as next of kin. Doc. Okay. Witherport. I'm Brewster. It's your turn. Read it to me. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Don't mind me. His accomplice's description is on the circular.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. It's all right. on the desk. Hello. Einstein! -Now. Mr. Mac. One hundred and forty pounds. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Mr. It's contagious. Talks with a German accent. Thanks. . yes. Five-foot-three. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. But Dr.
-Mine? You see. dear. President. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. -Me too. don't be worried. Mortimer. He's President. -It's yours. Einstein--But it's not his signature. Well. We're very happy about the whole thing. We don't want anything to go wrong. darling.-Spoon. dear. darling? -Martha. you signed as next of kin. -Well. you tell him. darling. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -Here. Now. And you were born . -What. but that's just it. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. of course. Come up and pack my duffel. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -What's wrong about that. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. you know? And bring along my bugle.
They're off to a flying start. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.we didn't want to lose her. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. Your real father was a cook.. So brother married her. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. Quiet! -But. .about three months afterwards.. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. -Goodbye. It's true. too.. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. I really did see-- .
Call me a cab. I'm a son of a sea cook. But. Yes. its operators. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. dear. Mortimer. love.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Mr. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . We're going to Niagara Falls.
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