This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
It was Reverend Harper who sneezed...they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.but no man with this published attitude. Reverend Harper.. Remember now. .because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. I must be catching cold.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. watch your language. .. He used to come to see us only occasionally. You'd be surprised ....... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.should take any man's daughter anyplace...Their old man left them fixed for life.. No. Bless you. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.. Sister Martha and I are so happy. and now. . He's so very much in love with her." either.. Brophy. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. at any time... But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. . You know I'm not a swearing man.... . I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. dear. Don't you call them "the girls.
-Miss Abby. dear. Will you excuse me? No. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. gentlemen. No. Gentlemen. This is Officer O'Hara. we have nothing to report. sir? It's nice to meet you. Splendid! Thank you. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Teddy. by the library door. I'll go. You know the Reverend Dr. Mr. This is Officer O'Hara. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Teddy. Thank you. At ease.what they'd consider swearing. absolutely nothing to report. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Brophy. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. That's splendid work you men do. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. -How do you do. You get tired of playing cards. The toys are on the chair up here. He's taking over my beat. How do you do. no. we came for the toys. the new man on the beat. Brophy? . -Come right in. They're all packed. what news have you brought me? Colonel.
that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . Isn't it a shame. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was...and the neighbors raised Cain. Now don't do that again.She's better.. I'll make a note.. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. Gentlemen. still. Look. That's right. Reverend. .. I promised I wouldn't swear. Teddy. Sarge. You've done so much already. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Father.. Isn't it a shame. He's an interesting character... Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Please don't bother... They're afraid of him.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. But a little weak. . you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. thank you. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.
. Colonel. -Don't mention it. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. dear. Hey. Teddy. Martha. -Reverend. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Yes. So long.. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Dismissed! . -But the Oregon goes to Australia.Well. No. this is grand. You bet I will. it goes to Australia. -These are lovely. -The children will go crazy. Officer O'Hara. -Now. how do you do? Miss Martha. Here's the broth for Mrs. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Brophy. Miss Brewster. Be sure it's good and hot. and thank you very much. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. He's taking over my duties. -Not at all. Thank you. put it back.. Sarge. -Thank you. Colonel. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. now. you're back.
.. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Yes. -Don't mention it. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill.. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. indeed. I must be going. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.. ... . let that be a lesson to you. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. -Careful of the step with the toys. That is quite a problem. and we suggested it. Goodbye. Young man.. if he's happy. -Good night. a long time ago. Martha? Once.it might be a change for him.-Goodbye and thank you. Well. you're happy. and what's more important... Do you remember. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. -Well.
to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. There wasn't time. I didn't know when you'd be back. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. And I was all alone. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. . Martha. Dear... sweet Reverend Harper. -I'll run right downstairs and see. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. and Reverend Harper was coming. -But all by yourself. -I got along fine. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. too. dear. So. why? Good news for you. I just couldn't wait for you. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. And dinner's going to be late. You know.. dear. Did you just have tea? Yes. -No. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey.
Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. -You ain't seen anything yet. right out here with everyone looking? Yes.Well? Just look in the windowseat.. darlings. you're going to love me . Wait a minute. Here's your hat. -Take her hat.. Mortimer. -But. There they are. buddy. And her brooch. keep them. He did? What did he say? -He was against it.. But. Please! For heaven's sake! But. Mortimer. Hold on to that. -This old cab has seen osculation but. If you find her hairpins. Just throw it. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -You've got to drive us to the station. right out here with everyone looking. -It's Elaine! -Hello. -But that was only Sunday. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. I don't like that look in your eyes.
you see! You see? That's what I mean.. It goes just before this. the bridal suite in the hotel. don't tell your father. Look. We've a room on the train. darling. Go on. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. hurry and pack. Yes. I can handle Father.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. . No. There's that look again! "There's that look again. I don't have to. You should've seen my secretary's face. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. There. You'll see it often... .. too? One thing at a time. That's what I hate about women. He's a dear.. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. You know what we're doing? Wasting time.. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. I started packing the day after I met you.. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.for my mind.
Elaine and I are married. And throw in a flock . Brewster? Good. you two old frauds. darling. What? Now? No. Oh. -Whistle when you're ready. Grand Central Station. Isn't it too. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. If you see a tall. open the front door fast. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Did you send those roses to Mrs. here. it's me.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. hurry. Hurry. Hold on to your bustles. -Father may want to pray over me. dark streak of light. When you whistle. We're married. -It'll be a few minutes.
you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. -You won't have time to bake a cake. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. we can have our celebration. of course. But before you go. too. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. A taxi's waiting. We're going to Niagara Falls. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. Of course. I'll run along and get everything ready. Oh. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. -And. I'm going to burn all my books. . dear. a wedding cake.of orange blossoms. Did everybody know I was getting married. Well. It's all ready. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. You know how your books upset him.
Really? A honey of a lunatic. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Goodbye. you know. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. what a face! I remember now. President. I'm off to Panama. had a character in it. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. I saw a play. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. reminded me of Jonathan.Now you behave. dear. A new lock for the canal. thank you. Yes. Mortimer! -How are you. Mr. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. He'd scare grownups with it. I know. "Oh. goodbye. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. President? -Bully. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Just bully. My. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Oh. Hello. dear! . Mr.
darlings. you can't get his mind on anything else. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. Get him up here now. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Yes. When Teddy's working on the canal. That's after we're gone. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. darlings. When the curtain goes up. listen. dear. but I've got an awful shock for you. .Yeah. -There's no such hurry as that. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. The next thing-Hey. We know. Yes. what a play. look. Well. At once! -He's in the cellar. darling! Never mind that now. I'm frightfully sorry. mister. Now. -You know? -Of course. the first thing you see is a dead body. Teddy's killed a man. dear. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now.
Mortimer.Now. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. What the. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. He died first... don't be so inquisitive. Aunt Martha. You put it in the wine? . how did he die? Mortimer. No. except that he's a Methodist.. Who is he? He's a Mr. it has a distinct odor. That's really all I know about him. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. men just don't get into windowseats and die. Now look. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.. You mean you. Hoskins. You just forget about it. When it's in tea. Adam Hoskins. dear. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died... Wait! Stop all this.
. Now. That wouldn't have been very nice. And I put Mr.. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people.Yes. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. not at tea..because Reverend Harper was coming. you know all about it and just forget about it. Yes. Hoskins in the windowseat. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again.. . darling. but this time we'll go where we want to go. The dears. tomorrow or next day. Look at me. We must do that. Abby. Schultz. She's much better. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. Mortimer. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. It's first-degree.
Mr. You're going to bury Mr. I want to know what we're going to do. Now. you can't leave him in there.. Look. don't be so impatient. Mortimer. . Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -We can't turn you over to the police. it is. Mortimer. dear. dear. here. Whatever his name is. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Aunt Martha. Hoskins. Teddy's down in the cellar now. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate.Yes.. digging the lock. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. dear. I know what his name is. -Stop worrying about it. They have so much fun. You can't. We told you to forget the whole thing.. dear. That's what we did with the others. you behave. -But Mr. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. -We'll let you lick the bowl. We don't intend to.
It does? Well. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. Abby." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Abby? No. But... keep your shirt on! Elaine. dear. No. I was counting the first one. Abby usually is. This makes 12. she's probably right. and that makes it 12. I really don't think you should count the first one. This one is only 1 1 .it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. because I remember when Mr. dear. Hoskins first came in. isn't it. Abby. . When you say "others. Makes it 12.-Others? -The other gentlemen.. I didn't mean-- . dear. I get them mixed up sometimes. I think you're wrong.. dear. dear. Hello. This is 1 1. Let me see now. Abby. For heaven's sake.
. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.. when his heart attack came. then and there. He was a Baptist.Now. So.. Why. . who was the first one? Mr. All his kith and kin were dead.. old gentleman. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. we all took him down to Panama. . Just sit down. Never mind about that. He was such a lonely. You mean.... We felt so sorry for him.to find that same peace.... you poor. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. Twelve! Yes.that if we could help other lonely.. Tell me.... . dear....and he sat there dead in that chair. Midgely. old men.....and he thought Mr. And then. Where were we? Twelve. .we would. Abby thinks we should count the first one. Teddy came up from digging in Panama... . Remember. .looking so peaceful.. let's see. Martha? We made up our minds.... you see... .
.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. Of course not! Well..... What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .. No. -Mortimer. so.because we know exactly what's to be done... And then. dear. As a matter of fact. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. just a pinch of cyanide. Well. Wait a minute! Come here..... for a gallon of elderberry wine. dear. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. There... . Should have quite a kick. .....l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. darling. .. .
You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. We must get that cake frosted. Teddy! Of course.He did? Well.. Let me see. digging locks. Singing away. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Let me see.. What am I doing with tickets? Information. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Winchell? No. La Guardia. Everybody knows he's crazy. I couldn't eat a thing. That'd be nice... Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Happy as a lark. darling.. Don't worry about the cake. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Winchell's no good. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Who can I call up? Dewey. a sip of.. He's wonderful.
-Come on! -I'm so sorry. Something's happened. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. Yeah. What's wrong? Look at your hair. . I heard you whistle. What'd you do. I'll call you up tomorrow. -How do I look? -You look fine. Brooklyn. yes.on North Shore Road. you! Thought you were tall. please. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. dark streak of light. -Run on home. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi.
very important. You better go home! -But. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. I'll tell you why I called you. -Go to bed. You smell so nice. But it's a matter of life and.If I could only tell you. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. The police want to throw him into a state institution. A thing happened. we were married today.. .. I've got to come over and see you right away. Judge. Elaine.. he's-It's his bugle blowing. It's very. It won't wait until tomorrow. We've got to do something immediately. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. about Teddy. It's about Teddy. darling. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Judge. Judge.
this would be a nice comfortable chair. And this is my sister. I understand you've got a room to rent. please. Happy Dale. we're just setting the table for dinner. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Now. Do step in. do sit down. Doorbell's ringing. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. dear. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. we can get him to Happy Dale.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. How do you do? Come in. -Well. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. I'm sorry. Operator? Give me long distance. Another Miss Brewster. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. -My name's Gibbs. It's a wonderful place. New York. I'm Miss Brewster. Don't like it. -All alone in the world? .
The room's upstairs... Well. Well. .-Well. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Happy Dale." when you dig a lock. -Do sit down. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. -Thank you. It's elderberry wine. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. I can see the headlines now. you've come to just the right house. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. "D" Iike in "dig. but the cemetery's full of them. -Dale. That's right. I don't think I'll like it.. Martha. we make this ourselves. skoal. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. Well. I'd like to see the room. -No. Please." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us.
He wouldn't understand. People wouldn't understand... murdered. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .Hello.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do..but it's not only against the law. . killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look.. What I mean is. Oh. it's wrong. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. I'm nervous. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What... madam. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. Not that. but you've given me an idea! Darling. I'm not drunk. Don't do that.
. thanks. . Of course. dear.and it would lead to trouble.What? All right. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Thank you. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Brewster. And if-Oh. Bonaparte. Oh. we want to commit him there immediately. dear. Thank you. now.. How do you do. Witherspoon speaking. Yes. Well. operator. Witherspoon. Mr. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well.. Witherspoon. Well. Brewster? How are you? Mr. please.-. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. I see. That's too bad. Mr. Mr. if your mind is made up.. if he thought that-Mr. Oh. Mr.That's amazing. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.. Witherspoon. Well. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. do you-I'm fine.
Oh. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Get off that thing. don't you? Yes. Well. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr.. like good girls. Mortimer. we'd have to know what it was first. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. Now listen. I mean.. dear. I can't talk to you. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. darling.Another Roosevelt. I love you both very much. I'll sing with you. Whosit where he is. . dear. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner.. I want you to do one thing for me. What on earth could happen to us? Well.. you'll do that little thing for me. Anyway. I can't concentrate.. -But. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. You know I'd do anything for you.. darling. but I want you to promise me something.
well. The poor dears. I'm so happy for Elaine. I can go faster that way. .I'll dance with you. Remember. Shame! Such a nice hat. that's right. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. What is it? Mr. You promise? Good. What? Stop that. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Yes. You know. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Why? He's just been married. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Sure. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. anything. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. cab! Here you are. Oh. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. -Don't open it.
I'll go. -You look. -Do you recognize them? -No. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. . Johnny. As a boy. it's a good hideout. The family must still live here. Look. I couldn't wait to escape from this house.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. It's two men. Yes. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. Johnny. -Let me look. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. doctor. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Drink. they're strangers to me. -Are you sure? -Yes. Come in. Johnny. dear. There's one up in my room. and I've never seen them before. A fatted calf?. we'll need another hymnal. I'm so hungry. This is the home of my youth. As if we were expected.
He's a plastic surgeon.... Have you been in an accident? My face. No. Why.. You just get out of here. Jonathan. his voice is like Jonathan's.A good omen. Aunt Martha. It's Jonathan. Dr. still the high collar. But I've seen that face before. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Your nephew..to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you... . You're nothing like Jonathan. Einstein is responsible for that.. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. you know. And you. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. so don't pretend you are.. . you're not. .. Aunt Martha.that Grandma Brewster bought in England.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. as a boy. we can't just walk Mr. . Come here. Rather a good joke on my aunts. . And it just fits Mr. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. How do we get him in here? Yes. we'll bring him in through the window. Quick.. Spenalzo along.You remember that. We expect to be very busy. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Bed.. We'll get the car and after they're in bed... six feet long. Spenalzo. Spenalzo in through the door. I could be disagreeable. I don't have to go into details. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. See the hole he's digging.. -Down here. That's hospitality. I forgot to tell you. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.. Four feet wide.
a state secret. What are we going to do about Mr. there's been another yellow-fever victim. The car is all right where it is until morning. And he's been so patient.We're moving the car behind the house. Hoskins downstairs right away. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. You'd better get to bed. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. He said the canal was just the right size. Hoskins? Mr. the poor dear. General Goethals was very pleased. A state secret? Yes. No. Promise? You have the word of the President . That might be against the law. Teddy. I don't want to leave it in the street. I think Teddy had better take Mr. we must keep it a secret.
How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. .. And then.. you were out. You can go right up. . when everything's dark here. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. You know. But you must be very tired. You just come right along and see him now. I've never even seen Mr.. . Both of you..of the United States. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. It seems to be spreading. We've never had yellow fever there before. You two run along to bed. Now get along.when I turn out the lights. let's see. -And we don't go to bed this early.. Cross my heart and hope to die. considering that he's a Methodist.... Your room is waiting for you. he's really very nice looking. And we'll come down later and hold services. We're bringing the luggage through here. Now.
Aunt Abby. Doctor. I'll come back later. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. He's all right. Where am l? Here I am. I'll open the window. and I'll stay here and pull. Aunt Abby. -I'll be right up. . we'll all go to bed. Run along. For the instruments. You go round and hand him through. Aunt Martha. you open the window. Yeah. Now. Good night. It's dark in here. Now! Turn out the lights. But he's too heavy for me. Johnny. Just off the laboratory. You go outside and push. I'll take a look around outside the house.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Take the bags upstairs. When I tap on the glass. All right. And then together we take him down to Panama. We must be quick. -All right.
I'm a brand-new Brewster. Now I got him. Now I have him. Now I've got him! Johnny.Who left this open? Okay. I live next door. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. wait a minute. quick. He's so heavy. Allez. Help me. Doctor! . What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. -Be careful. somebody's at the door. He's so heavy. -But his shoe came off. I'll manage Spenalzo. You lost a leg somewhere. I'm not very used to it. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. up! Now. Go open. Help me. Mortimer. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. I mean. Now I have him. Go. Hand him over. it's Brewster. wait a minute.
We happen to live here..It's all right. Now that I know who you are.. I'm in this house every day. that's all.. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. You don't live here. they talk about you. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction.. -You're Jonathan. And something of a magician. It's okay. -You've heard of me? -Yes. . May I present Dr. I've never seen you before." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. "That explains everything. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. That explains everything. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. . Einstein? Dr.
. Charge! Doctor. a sneak thief. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. I came to see Mortimer. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. No! Don't be a tomboy. -What else did you see? -Just that. It's going to be a private funeral. Go back to your room. I'll run--You've given two names. But if he's not home. Alice. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. the cellar. that's all! I see. Is that why you came over here? No.I suppose it was you. No visitors. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous.
. it talks! Yes. -Mortimer. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Mortimer. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. -I'll handle this.. Mortimer.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. .. darling. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother.. he--Wait a minute. Mortimer. Einstein.. Mortimer." Listen. . Jonathan! -I've come back home. Go back to your room. I talk.. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. "I've come back home. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. -What? I've come back home. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr.-We'll call the police. Mortimer..
No. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. be a good fellow. I remember. Nothing to. -What? -Just for tonight. -In fact. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. I'm staying here from now on. Please. We don't take up much room. and I'll sleep on the windowseat.. . Here's $10. Now look. Einstein to stay.. We invited Jonathan and Dr. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Now.Yeah. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.. just a moment. I'm staying here tonight. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat.
Mortimer. Doctor. While we are packing. I've completely lost track of Mr. Elaine. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Don't bring anyone else in here. you know what I do to people who order me around. Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. . Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Now. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. -Oh. I'll take care of you. Johnny. I'll tell you about him. Spenalzo. Mortimer. in just a little while. beat it! It's all right. Spenalzo. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Wait! Who's this Mr. that.
I don't understand you.. . Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Brewster. I'm here now. Darling. I'm afraid of him. Yes. Witherspoon. -But--Please.. Forget it. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. I got things to do. look.your brother tries to strangle me. . Well. -You'd better run along home. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. . please. don't worry about it. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. Well. I can't hear the man. a taxi's waiting.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat.-It was worse than that.. -What? Go on home like a good girl... Mr. we were going over Niagara Falls... He's some kind of a maniac. We were married today. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan..
Teddy. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. wedding ring. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. Yeah. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.. Thank you.. come right away. Let me think about this thing. Doctor. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. I know it's late. well. darling.. I'll get both signatures. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. signature. . of course? By the doctor? Oh.. By the way.I've got the papers all drawn up.. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please.put them in a barrel.. darling. . taxi. windowseat.
-What? You buried him? -Not yet. I did. Yes. dear. Hoskins! -By the way. It is not Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat. . This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Hoskins. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. he's mistaken. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. you come in here now! Yes. where is Mr. You admitted you put Mr. Mr. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in.No.
You just look and see what's in that windowseat. . I've decided that we're staying.. Martha. dear. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there.He's down there waiting for the services. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger.. Mortimer. I'm in no mood to debate the question. We haven't had a minute. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. And I've also decided that you're leaving. Don't.. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Oh. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. poor dear. what with Jonathan in the house. you come straight along here. Are you getting out. Listen. No. and I mean now. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. I did. handsome.
Well? All right. And he's taking Dr. Jonathan. . in that case.Aunt Abby. Mortimer. This is our nephew. Come right in. -Pleased to meet you. -Yes. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness.. Officer. Listen. You're my brother.. I owe you an apology. Put down that telephone. You can't ask for more than that. do come in. -No! Come in. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Spenalzo can happen to you. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. I've got some very good news for you.. darling. Einstein and that cold companion with him. what happened to Mr. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. -And this is another nephew. too. -Glad to see you. I'll have to call the police. Don't reach for the telephone. Jonathan is leaving. you're a Brewster. Remember.
Your face is familiar. If you don't leave here. I got to ring in. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. Einstein and Spenalzo. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. but I can't spell them. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. This is your last chance. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. I can spell like the dickens. You can tell me all about it.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Officer O'Hara. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I'm working on a play now. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Spenalzo. Mr. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. Dr. -I'll be running along. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. All three of you: you. well. You are? Well. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. . the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.
Come. Johnny. But we've got trouble enough as it is. No.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Just give me one moment. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Please. take it easy. no. We're sleeping right here in this house. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. please. Look. We've got a wonderful setup here. we're coming back here. let's go. We can make a fortune. Right with you. I never did like Mortimer. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. you lose your head. We're not going. Okay. Johnny. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Then if he tries to interfere-No. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Two old ladies as a front. Now get going! All three of you. After that. Please! Doctor. O'Hara.
-I don't know.. If you tell O'Hara . We're not going. -My mother was an actress. Move fast. I'll be back in a minute. Well. -Swell. You stay out of this. Mortimer. -I like the first act. Well. -Excuse me. you asked for it. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. rehash it. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -Peaches La Tour was her name. I worked on it for 12 years. She was my mother. we got an ace in the hole. -Legitimate? Of course.. Yes. -You're not going? -No. It's no fly-by-night idea. All right..in the cellar.
You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.what's in the windowseat...l'll tell him what's in the cellar. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. . Genius at work.. I assure you. I'll meet you there later. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. Lowbrows.. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. You'd better ring in. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . This opening will kill you. Bohemian atmosphere. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.
aren't you? You think you've got it over me. Yes.. will you? This is a great play. -Can't wait! Doctor. I don't care who knows about Hoskins.. doctor.. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Where are those papers? There they are. I expect to find you gone. -I'll see you down there. Jonathan.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. dear aunties. That was just Mortimer. . When I come back. You won't stand me up. We thought we heard you leave. you ring in and I'll see you later. The moment the doctor signs. I think we can start the services now.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Did he look guilty! Well.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.. Perish the thought. Where do you. You've got to take him with you! ... You haven't. Martha..Look. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. And speaking of services.. Well. You're smug.
Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Doctor. It's one of our charities. Besides. Mr. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. -He's one of our gentlemen. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. The cellar's crowded already. Twelve graves. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. there's no room for Mr. -But Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. He must mean Mr. -Your gentlemen? Yes. what we've been doing is a mercy. Spenalzo. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. They're both dead. Mr. Why. Hoskins is no stranger.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Hoskins--Mr. Hoskins. . Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. You mean.
-No.. I've got 13. -Filling. He died of pneumonia.. and they do just as good as you do.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful.two in San Francisco. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. one in Phoenix. Don't brag.. they got 12. they got 12. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend... 12.... You cannot count him. one in Melbourne. . Spenalzo out of here.. . . That makes 13. Arizona. You've done all that. one in Sydney.. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world... There's Mr. You got 12. -Thirteen. Spenalzo..and they stay right here in Brooklyn.So you just take your Mr. You cannot count the one in South Bend. Johnny.. Then the first one in London. Phoenix? -The filling station. . Two in Johannesburg. What? You got 12.
l'm sure you'd be convinced. I know Teddy blows bugles.The old ladies is just as good as you are. This is most irregular. I'll be right back. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.. but only you can help me.. Make yourself comfortable. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies.. If you'd talk with him. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. That's all. -You better wait. . Gilchrist.. that's easily taken care of. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. -Who? What? Did I say.. All I need is one more. are they? Well. They are. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. Just one more. Dr. -You wait here. but I can't commit a man just on that. seeing a doctor. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. .. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. Pull up a tombstone..
50! Oh. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. .-Hey. with a Maxim silencer. yes. thanks. of course I love you. Well now. that's that. the meter! "Looks good on me. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. indeed. Five more bucks and you'll own it. $22. Not so good. No." $22. President.50! -What? $22. -Mr. It gives me a chance to rest. may I present--Dr. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. darling. is it not? Yes. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. looks good on you! Not the suit. So far. -Do you? -Yes. It wouldn't fit me. Certainly.50. Welcome to Washington. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. so good.
. I'll run for a third term.. darling.. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. but it's only a matter of time.. -Of course. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House.. I don't quite know. insanity runs in my family.. It's way back before Teddy. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I can't go through with our marriage.. -What are you talking about? -Well. but I won't be elected. . -That's what you think. Just because Teddy's strange. I probably should have told you this before. It practically gallops. Doctor.. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. if the country insists.well. Darling. I love you so much.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. that doesn't mean-No. Darling. but you see. that's ancient history.
No. What of it? So your family's crazy.Darling. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Look at your aunts. It'll just have to be undone.. They're Brewsters. drop in to see me at the White House. I. Just go on signing the papers. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Goodbye.. I'm crazy too. Anytime you're in Washington. There's no use doing what you're doing. but kiss me. sanest people I've ever known. go to bed! . -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. -Go away. all this doesn't prove a thing. That's the way I love you. Aunt Abby. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. Thank you.. you better stop it. Well. Ambassador. So you're crazy. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. no. even they have their peculiarities. -Those papers.
This is all fixed up nice now. -Oh. All right. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. I'll get them out. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Nice and smooth like a lake. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Hoskins and Mr.. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. If Jonathan and Mr.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.. .we're going for the police. Martha and I are going for the police. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. You know.. Doctor. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. . You're forgetting. Bed feels good already. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours.. Spenalzo in together. let him.
no police! No police! Look. Doctor. I just heard him upstairs. we'll do it. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. You can see that it's got to be done. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. I think this calls for something special. Mortimer. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Okay. Or the next day. Look at me. You are going to operate tomorrow. not tonight! I'm sleepy. No. Okay. Johnny.-Remember. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. what? . It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. go to bed. My brother. No! I am tired. huh? The quick twist like in London. You forget. We'll do it tomorrow. I think. can't you? Yeah. perhaps. Not the Melbourne method. Doctor. But the quick way. Doctor. But Johnny. the Melbourne method. I know that look.
Mr. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Boy. Johnny's in a bad mood. Mr. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. I see! Very clever. -Of course. Get out! -Stop underplaying.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Get out. President. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Brewster. Mr. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Yes. mice? -You get out of this house. Oh. Mr. What is it. Wait here. -Please listen to me. please? -What? Speak up. So I have. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. This must be secret. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Don't do that. I can't hear you. What a load off my mind. President. will you. President. . Hey. Mr. President. You already have them on. I can't hear you.
-My schnapps.he's a madman. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Please. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that.. Mr. . You beat it before things start popping around here. look. Please. when Johnny's in that mood. Please go now. Horrible things.Are you really a doctor? Yes. Heidelberg. Only for dramatic critics. -That's mine. You take care of yourself.. 1919. You've just been married. Don't those plays you see all the time . Please listen to me. Doc-. But. -What's that? Wait. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. -I could use that. please. but you go now. Brewster. Stop it..Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. I'll take care of him. Get going. He's a maniac! And then things happen. little fellow. You have a nice little wife waiting for you..
. And does he go? No. There's a man. Now listen to this. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. Isn't that great? So there he is. He's even been warned to get out. At least people in plays act like they got sense. The murderer even invites him to sit down.. Witherspoon. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. When you get out of prison.. he doesn't. it'll still be running when you get out. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. There's a play that's so bad. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it.
my dear brother. the quick way. Johnny. Look at the attitude.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. . brother Heidelberg...we go to work. Doctor. Later on. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. That's right..a fellow never sees or hears anything. ... were you out of my mind. All he has to do is look around. Mortimer. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.. This fellow's supposed to be bright.. Yes. you may consider that a blessing.. He wasn't very bright. in a play or even in a movie. Now. Please. but does he? No! See. In Melbourne one night. . I've been away for 20 years. for me. I dreamt of you. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Now get a load of this. But never.
But I can't pull myself together without a drink. Mortimer. I'll split it with you. Where are your manners? Yes. Here. We both have a drink before we operate. That idiot! -He goes next. You remember when we came in. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . To my dear. Let's get it over with. dead brother. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. And then they took it. After all. But I cannot see this without the drink. there was some wine. Where did they put it? I found some wine. One moment. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Pull yourself together. That's all. -Please. We drink to you. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink.-This must be an artistic achievement. Please! All right. please.
-You won't at all! We have to work fast. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. Like a flash. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. I'd better talk to him myself. In the second act. The quick way. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. They practically stole that from my play. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. then the quick way. I see. We're taking the bugle away from him. yes! If it has to be. .. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. sure. out of a clear sky. . Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.. It's all right.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. -What happened to him? -Nothing.. I'll help you. The quick way.. Yeah.-We'll get to him later.
The scene changes. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. -What? -I personally like it very much. in the meantime. there's me. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. please. You ain't heard nothing yet. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. -It's probably over his head. casual-like. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. a fire breaks out.. All of a sudden.. My mother doesn't say they're married. Well. It's an evolving stage. .. .He says. see? Little do I know it. I'm in great danger.. "Miss Peaches La Tour.. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. It's getting you. Growing into a magnificent specimen. I'm walking along my beat..
so I pulls out my gun. -Johnny. Did they send you here? No. we came to warn the old ladies..when a guy that I'm following. He says we've got to put him away someplace. My play put him to sleep. -There's a vacant house on the corner. -He's going to help me write my play. -The colonel blew that bugle again.. Brophy.. Brewster's brother. That's the one that ran away. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. who the heck is this? Mr. Get me Mac.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello.. Now. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. Right in the middle of the second act. -I heard him... this is Mortimer Brewster. . -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. The neighbors are phoning in. So he came back. .. I figures I'll outsmart him. boys.
Thirteen bodies. we'll hold him right here. -I'll show them to you. you've got me. We found him. Brewster. Mr. Be careful what you say. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. -Come down to the cellar. The Lieutenant is on his way over. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. I better let them know that I found you. Brewster. You think my aunts are sweet. -Wait a minute. don't you? Well. Mr. Shall we bring him in? All right. charming old ladies. . reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. So I've been turned in? All right. It wasn't that bad. At the Brewster house. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Yes. Leave him to me. Your aunts are friends of ours. 13.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station.
I'll show you where they're buried. Pat. He looks like Boris Karloff. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. You could use this in the third act. come to the cellar. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. look. too. Such a fine day. Amazing. -Go to the cellar with him. That's enough. please. that's enough. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Well. I got something better. I got him. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Go on and fight. Everybody off. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Don't bother me now. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Look out! Fight. . -Yes. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Pat. -Go on down the cellar with him. look out! Amazing.
Boris. -Come in. please. That's fine. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Get him. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. Thank you very much. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.. Isn't that amazing? Oh. fight..The papers are all signed. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Wish I could relax like that. That won't have any effect. Turn him over. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left.. I've tried it before-It did. Don't do that. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Pat. Telephone. brother. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. -Witherspoon. dear. What do I care? Go ahead. .
You're going to have a long time on that play.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. He's a lifer. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is... I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. .. too." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me..you can at least read short detective stories. Report in.. . Now go on.. .and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks.. The guy who helped him escape. He's wanted. About my not ringing in. "He looked like Karloff. That's the way they described him. He says 13 bodies are there. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. he's wanted. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. pal. You're suspended.. Certainly. That's my brother.
I'm Mortimer Brewster. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. keep out of that.Here. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. We caught him at the White House. you've blown your last bugle. Colonel. Get this gu y out of here. Take him out and bring him to. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. -Questioning of spies is my department. Nothing to eat. . This is a spy. But I'm not myself today. No sleep. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Howdy. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. Colonel. you. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Colonel. With flatheads like you on the force. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. I want to question him. -Hey. No.
take it easy. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. No arguments. There's people dumb enough to believe that. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Look. . I'm liable to think anything. Any offers? I'm Mr. Witherspoon. I have come to get a Brewster. Captain. Just a minute. no argument. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. No arguments. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. I know just how you feel. Last year there was a crazy guy. He's got to be put away. started a murder rumor. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Read this.You're his brother. -I'm waiting for Mr. -As long as he's going someplace. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight.
Witherspoon is here. all I got to get is Witherspoon. This is fun. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Now. -Hold him till I get there. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. That's all right! Do that again for me. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. -That's fine. He's ready to talk. I'm so glad to see you. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. Let me explain. Brewster? Mr. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Never mind! Give me that pen. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it.Mr. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. it's chicanery. .
I sometimes envy some of our patients. . You do? It must be a nice place. -The woods are full of them. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. You know. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. you know-Captain. Something I've been working on.. -That's good.. We always. I shan't mind. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. Why? To take him away? Never. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do.And no wagon when he leaves.. You never can tell. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. this is Mr. It means a great deal to me. Witherspoon. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. secretly. I've never been there. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. I have one waiting now. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. it's a play. never. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Taxicabs.
-Is this March 4? -Practically. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Now you can take him away. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Witherspoon. my boy. Mr. President? Taft! No. President. this isn't Mr. I have good news for you. Mr. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. This is Captain Rooney. It's Mr. I'm on my way to Africa. I must get started immediately. you got it wrong.. Aunt Martha.. Your term of office is over. Taft. all signed. Aunt Abby. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who.-Come. Bully! Bully! Wait right here.. I'll bring down my equipment. Happy man. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Let's see. Goodbye. -What is this? No. your guide to Africa.
you'll have to take us with him. -I'm sorry. Now. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. Oh. How can you allow this? You promised. We promise to take his bugle away from him. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. he's come to take him. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. You could arrange that.It's all right. Why not? Why not. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. indeed? It's sweet of them. I've got it. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. . You've come to meet Teddy. too! -Yes. -If he's going. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. ladies. we're going. jealousy. but impossible. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Too dangerous. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. No. -We won't be separated from Teddy. Dissension. let's be sensible. he can't go now! We won't permit it. haven't you? No. dear.
. Things are going to get worse. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. -I'll tell you what we'll do. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. you wouldn't have to dig. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. What? Yes. No. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. -How about it? -I'll be right there. You just ask our nephew. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. -I'll look in that cellar. Mortimer. and we'll send them to Happy Dale..It ain't only his bugle blowing. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.and we'll get them all together.. The graves are all marked. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. . . Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. He's been a little strange all day.
-Certainly.who doesn't belong here and has to leave.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. "There is a Happy Dale far.. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. -Flowers? Sure. It's amazing. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. Where are they? . Teddy committed himself. -He got married today. Humor them. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. There's one down there. Hasn't got it yet. None of mine are gentlemen. we'll sign the papers. Smile. If we can go with Teddy. Spenalzo.. humor them. far away "There is a Happy" He got it.. I put neon lights on mine. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. -You mustn't mind him at all.. . a Mr.
Just sign right here. Dr. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. -Good night. right here. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. please. We've overlooked something. -Here? -Yes.I have them. ladies. if you'll sign right here. Now. dear. Einstein. please. I'm so sorry. please. I'm going out to talk to that spy. I'm really looking forward to going. The neighborhood here has changed so. Oh. Doctor. A doctor. Sign them up. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Come along. Maybe I can understand him. -A doctor? -Yes. Ladies. will you? I want this all cleaned up. It's on the right-hand side there. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Dr. please. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. . -Were you leaving. Yes. Doctor. -Come here. here. Doctor? -Yes. Dr.
I'm Brewster. Mr. Hello.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Thanks. Don't mind me. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. . Read it to me. will you? About 40. Mac. Mr. His accomplice's description is on the circular. The doctor has completed the signatures. yes. One hundred and forty pounds. Pop eyes. It's contagious. -Don't play games--You sign. It's all right. Five-foot-three. But Dr. on the desk. Poses as a doctor. Einstein! -Now. Mac. Doc. That's great! Thanks. You've done Brooklyn a great service. It's your turn. Okay. Witherport. You sign as next of kin. Talks with a German accent.
dear. -It's yours. Well. We don't want anything to go wrong. Einstein--But it's not his signature. darling. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. Mortimer. you know? And bring along my bugle. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -Me too. -Mine? You see. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. of course. don't be worried. He's President. And you were born . We're very happy about the whole thing. -What. you tell him. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. -Well. dear. President. -What's wrong about that. Come up and pack my duffel. darling? -Martha. darling. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. -Here. but that's just it. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Now.-Spoon. you signed as next of kin.
too. . It's true. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them.about three months afterwards. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. I really did see-- . And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook.we didn't want to lose her.. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. Your real father was a cook.. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. Quiet! -But.. They're off to a flying start. So brother married her. -Goodbye. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime..
Call me a cab. But. Mr. dear. I'm a son of a sea cook. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. its operators. Yes. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . We're going to Niagara Falls.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Mortimer. love.
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue reading from where you left off, or restart the preview.