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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
Remember now. watch your language. You know I'm not a swearing man...he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. .. at any time. No.. Bless you.. You'd be surprised . I must be catching cold. He's so very much in love with her. Don't you call them "the girls.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. He used to come to see us only occasionally. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed..Their old man left them fixed for life. dear." either.. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.... ..but no man with this published attitude... ..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater... . Brophy. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. and now.. Sister Martha and I are so happy. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room..should take any man's daughter anyplace. Reverend Harper.. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. .
what news have you brought me? Colonel. Brophy. -Miss Abby. we have nothing to report. He's taking over my beat. Teddy. You know the Reverend Dr. Harper from the church next door? Hello. the new man on the beat. At ease. Brophy? . This is Officer O'Hara. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. How do you do. You get tired of playing cards. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. by the library door. This is Officer O'Hara. Mr.what they'd consider swearing. I'll go. That's splendid work you men do. dear. Teddy. Will you excuse me? No. Gentlemen. Splendid! Thank you. gentlemen. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. absolutely nothing to report. They're all packed. No. -How do you do. -Come right in. The toys are on the chair up here. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. sir? It's nice to meet you. we came for the toys. no. Thank you.
. They're afraid of him.. But a little weak.and the neighbors raised Cain.. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. Now don't do that again.. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Teddy.She's better.. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Father. I promised I wouldn't swear.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Look.. . Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .. thank you. Isn't it a shame.. You've done so much already. Isn't it a shame. Gentlemen. That's right.. I'll make a note. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Please don't bother. He's an interesting character.. still.. Reverend. Sarge.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.
So long. you're back. -The children will go crazy. Sarge. -Now. Thank you. Dismissed! . Brophy. Hey.Well. -Reverend. You bet I will. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Be sure it's good and hot. Officer O'Hara. Here's the broth for Mrs. and thank you very much. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Miss Brewster. this is grand. -Not at all. how do you do? Miss Martha. it goes to Australia... -These are lovely. now.. Martha. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Teddy. Colonel. dear. The Army and Navy are ready for action. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Yes. -Don't mention it. -Thank you. put it back. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. No. Colonel. He's taking over my duties.
I must be going.it might be a change for him. a long time ago... indeed... Goodbye. -Careful of the step with the toys. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. if he's happy. Young man. -Don't mention it. let that be a lesson to you. -Well. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. -Good night. . . and we suggested it. we thought if he'd be George Washington. you're happy. and what's more important. Yes..-Goodbye and thank you.. Well.. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. Do you remember. That is quite a problem.. Martha? Once.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.
. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. and Reverend Harper was coming. Martha. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. why? Good news for you. And I was all alone. sweet Reverend Harper. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. I didn't know when you'd be back. I just couldn't wait for you. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. -But all by yourself. And dinner's going to be late.. -No. -I got along fine. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. There wasn't time. -I'll run right downstairs and see... too. You know. dear. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. dear. Did you just have tea? Yes. Dear. So.
If you find her hairpins. you're going to love me . -But that was only Sunday. Mortimer. -But. Mortimer. darlings. Hold on to that.. -You've got to drive us to the station. And her brooch. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -You ain't seen anything yet.. Please! For heaven's sake! But.Well? Just look in the windowseat. There they are. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Wait a minute. keep them.. right out here with everyone looking. -Take her hat. I don't like that look in your eyes. -It's Elaine! -Hello. buddy. -This old cab has seen osculation but. But. Here's your hat. Just throw it. He did? What did he say? -He was against it.
.. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. Go on. You'll see it often. You should've seen my secretary's face. don't tell your father. I started packing the day after I met you. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. That's what I hate about women. Yes. darling. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. .and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.. you see! You see? That's what I mean.. There's that look again! "There's that look again. . Mortimer! " You better get used to it. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. No. Look.. hurry and pack. I don't have to. the bridal suite in the hotel. I can handle Father. There.for my mind. He's a dear. We've a room on the train... too? One thing at a time. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. It goes just before this.
how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Elaine and I are married. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. you two old frauds. We're married. -It'll be a few minutes. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Isn't it too. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. open the front door fast. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Oh. Brewster? Good. Hurry. -Whistle when you're ready.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. What? Now? No. it's me. dark streak of light. darling. Hold on to your bustles. hurry. here. When you whistle. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. If you see a tall. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. -Father may want to pray over me. Grand Central Station. And throw in a flock .
I'll let the Reverend light the first match. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. dear. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her.of orange blossoms. . I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'm going to burn all my books. But before you go. a wedding cake. You know how your books upset him. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. I'll run along and get everything ready. A taxi's waiting. we can have our celebration. Did everybody know I was getting married. Oh. -You won't have time to bake a cake. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. of course. -And. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. Well. It's all ready. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. Of course. too.
President? -Bully. thank you. dear! . One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. My. reminded me of Jonathan. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Mr. Yes. Oh. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. I'm off to Panama. what a face! I remember now. Mr. Mortimer! -How are you. Hello. Goodbye. I saw a play. A new lock for the canal. you know. Just bully. "Oh. Isn't it wonderful? Well. President. goodbye. I know. He'd scare grownups with it. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. dear. had a character in it. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me.Now you behave.
listen. -There's no such hurry as that. Now. The next thing-Hey. That's after we're gone. dear. darling! Never mind that now. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. Get him up here now. darlings. Teddy's killed a man. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes.Yeah. . darlings. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. Well. We know. I'm frightfully sorry. but I've got an awful shock for you. When Teddy's working on the canal. Yes. At once! -He's in the cellar. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. what a play. mister. look. -You know? -Of course. you can't get his mind on anything else. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. When the curtain goes up. Yes. dear.
You just forget about it..Now. it has a distinct odor. You put it in the wine? . You mean you. That's really all I know about him.. Aunt Martha. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.. What the. don't be so inquisitive. Hoskins. Mortimer. Who is he? He's a Mr. When it's in tea. dear. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. He died first.. men just don't get into windowseats and die. except that he's a Methodist. No. how did he die? Mortimer. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.. Wait! Stop all this. Now look. Adam Hoskins.
tomorrow or next day. And I put Mr. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. It's first-degree. Look at me. That wouldn't have been very nice. Hoskins in the windowseat. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . not at tea. Now. Abby. Schultz.. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. but this time we'll go where we want to go. you know all about it and just forget about it. Mortimer. We must do that. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Yes. The dears. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. .. darling. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. She's much better... while I was out I dropped in on Mrs.because Reverend Harper was coming.Yes.
-We'll let you lick the bowl. That's what we did with the others. We don't intend to. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Whatever his name is. dear. You can't.. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. Mr. You're going to bury Mr. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. it is. dear. Mortimer. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Look.. dear. Hoskins. digging the lock. -Stop worrying about it. dear. Aunt Martha. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Mortimer.Yes.. Teddy's down in the cellar now. -We can't turn you over to the police. We told you to forget the whole thing. I want to know what we're going to do. you behave. I know what his name is. you can't leave him in there. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. don't be so impatient. They have so much fun. . Now. here. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. -But Mr.
I didn't mean-- . isn't it. Abby. Let me see now.. Abby. I get them mixed up sometimes. Makes it 12. and that makes it 12. dear. I think you're wrong. This is 1 1.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. dear. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Hoskins first came in.. It does? Well. Abby? No.. No.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Abby. Hello. she's probably right.. For heaven's sake." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. But. dear. This one is only 1 1 . When you say "others. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. I really don't think you should count the first one. Abby usually is. dear. because I remember when Mr. I was counting the first one. keep your shirt on! Elaine. . dear. This makes 12.
. dear. So. Tell me. when his heart attack came.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. And that meant he had to be buried immediately... you poor.. . who was the first one? Mr. We felt so sorry for him. Never mind about that. . we all took him down to Panama.Now. Twelve! Yes.. old gentleman. Just sit down. .and he sat there dead in that chair..and he thought Mr.. Midgely... Teddy came up from digging in Panama. let's see. All his kith and kin were dead. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim... And then... He was a Baptist.. Where were we? Twelve..that if we could help other lonely. He was such a lonely.. . . Martha? We made up our minds... old men.... you see. You mean... Remember. . Why....to find that same peace..looking so peaceful.. then and there. .we would. Abby thinks we should count the first one.
.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " ...because we know exactly what's to be done. .. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.... ... Of course not! Well. -Mortimer. Well. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. so.... .. Should have quite a kick. And then.. for a gallon of elderberry wine. dear. There. ..l take one teaspoonful of arsenic.. darling.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. dear.. just a pinch of cyanide. No. Wait a minute! Come here. As a matter of fact.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial..
a sip of. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Winchell? No. Teddy! Of course. That'd be nice. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Happy as a lark. digging locks. Don't worry about the cake... We must get that cake frosted. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Who can I call up? Dewey. Let me see..He did? Well.. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. La Guardia. Everybody knows he's crazy. Let me see. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. darling. He's wonderful. Winchell's no good. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . I couldn't eat a thing.. Singing away..
You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. you! Thought you were tall. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. Yeah. yes. -How do I look? -You look fine. . I'll call you up tomorrow. I heard you whistle. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. please. dark streak of light. Something's happened. Brooklyn.on North Shore Road. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. What'd you do. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What's wrong? Look at your hair. -Run on home. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh.
but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. We've got to do something immediately. he's-It's his bugle blowing. Elaine. You smell so nice. A thing happened. Judge..If I could only tell you. I'll tell you why I called you. It won't wait until tomorrow. But it's a matter of life and. The police want to throw him into a state institution. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. about Teddy. very important. I've got to come over and see you right away. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. It's very. Judge. It's about Teddy. You better go home! -But. darling. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. we were married today. . -Go to bed... Judge.
we're just setting the table for dinner. -My name's Gibbs. we can get him to Happy Dale. -All alone in the world? .How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. this would be a nice comfortable chair. I understand you've got a room to rent. And this is my sister. New York. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. How do you do? Come in. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Operator? Give me long distance. I'm Miss Brewster. dear. -Well. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Happy Dale. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Don't like it. I'm sorry. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. please. Now. It's a wonderful place. Doorbell's ringing. Another Miss Brewster. Do step in. do sit down.
-No.. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes.-Well. Martha. Well. -Dale. -Do sit down.. we make this ourselves." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us." when you dig a lock. That's right. you've come to just the right house. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No.. The room's upstairs. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. Please. -Thank you. I'd like to see the room. I can see the headlines now. Well. skoal. Well. "D" Iike in "dig. but the cemetery's full of them. . I don't think I'll like it. "A" Iike in "arsenic. It's elderberry wine. Happy Dale.
madam.. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .... I'm not drunk..but it's not only against the law. Don't do that. . it's wrong.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you.. but you've given me an idea! Darling. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. Oh. What I mean is. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. Not that. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. People wouldn't understand. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. He wouldn't understand. murdered.Hello. I'm nervous. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.
Brewster? How are you? Mr. Witherspoon. Of course. Mr. please.That's amazing.-.What? All right.. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. if he thought that-Mr.. Witherspoon. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present.. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Bonaparte. And if-Oh.. How do you do. Well. Well. That's too bad. operator. thanks. . Witherspoon. Witherspoon speaking. if your mind is made up. Thank you. Mr. Oh. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Oh. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. we want to commit him there immediately. Yes. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Thank you. Mr. dear. now. do you-I'm fine. I see.and it would lead to trouble. dear. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Well. Mr. . Brewster.
don't you? Yes. I'll sing with you. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Now listen. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. What on earth could happen to us? Well. I mean. you'll do that little thing for me.. I'm going to Judge Cullman's... I love you both very much.. Well. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. like good girls. darling. . dear. dear.. -But.. we'd have to know what it was first. Mortimer. Oh. darling. but I want you to promise me something. Whosit where he is. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. I can't concentrate.Another Roosevelt. Get off that thing. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. I want you to do one thing for me. You know I'd do anything for you. I can't talk to you. Anyway.
Oh. cab! Here you are. What is it? Mr. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. What? Stop that. Remember.I'll dance with you. Shame! Such a nice hat. You promise? Good. well. that's right. The poor dears. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Sure. anything. I'm so happy for Elaine. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. -Don't open it. Why? He's just been married. I can go faster that way. I'll sit with you! Yeah. . You know. Yes. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr.
-Do you recognize them? -No. dear. -Let me look. Look. -You look. There's one up in my room. A fatted calf?. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. I'll go.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. As a boy. The family must still live here. This is the home of my youth. -Are you sure? -Yes. Come in. they're strangers to me. Drink. . Now I'm glad to escape back into it. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. Johnny. and I've never seen them before. Johnny. it's a good hideout. we'll need another hymnal. It's two men. As if we were expected. I'm so hungry. Johnny. Yes. doctor. I couldn't wait to escape from this house.
I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. so don't pretend you are.. You just get out of here. Aunt Martha.. his voice is like Jonathan's.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. . Why. you're not.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.. It's Jonathan. still the high collar. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. You're nothing like Jonathan. Your nephew.. . He's a plastic surgeon.. Jonathan. you know... No. But I've seen that face before. Einstein is responsible for that. And you.A good omen. Have you been in an accident? My face.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. Aunt Martha. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.. Dr.. .
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
Quick. . I could be disagreeable. We expect to be very busy. Come here.You remember that. Rather a good joke on my aunts. we'll bring him in through the window. That's hospitality. I don't have to go into details. Spenalzo along. Four feet wide. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.. See the hole he's digging. I forgot to tell you. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.. we can't just walk Mr. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. . Bed.. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.. And it just fits Mr. -Down here. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room... as a boy. How do we get him in here? Yes. Spenalzo. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. six feet long.. Spenalzo in through the door.
Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. And he's been so patient. Promise? You have the word of the President . Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. You'd better get to bed. there's been another yellow-fever victim. I think Teddy had better take Mr. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. General Goethals was very pleased. That might be against the law. Teddy. I don't want to leave it in the street. Hoskins downstairs right away. He said the canal was just the right size. A state secret? Yes.We're moving the car behind the house. What are we going to do about Mr. a state secret. Hoskins? Mr. No. the poor dear. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. we must keep it a secret. The car is all right where it is until morning.
We've never had yellow fever there before. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. he's really very nice looking.when I turn out the lights. . Your room is waiting for you. Cross my heart and hope to die.. We're bringing the luggage through here. You just come right along and see him now.. But you must be very tired.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. . It seems to be spreading. let's see. You can go right up.. when everything's dark here. Both of you. You two run along to bed. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. You know. And then.of the United States... . How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. -And we don't go to bed this early.. Now get along. you were out. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. I've never even seen Mr. considering that he's a Methodist... Now. And we'll come down later and hold services.
All right. For the instruments. Doctor. I'll take a look around outside the house. Yeah. you open the window. Good night. When I tap on the glass. -I'll be right up.-It's time I came home to take care of you. You go outside and push. Now. we'll all go to bed. We must be quick. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Johnny. and I'll stay here and pull. Take the bags upstairs. Aunt Abby. Run along. Where am l? Here I am. You go round and hand him through. Just off the laboratory. Aunt Abby. -All right. Now! Turn out the lights. . And then together we take him down to Panama. It's dark in here. He's all right. I'll come back later. But he's too heavy for me. I'll open the window. Aunt Martha.
I mean. it's Brewster. Help me. I'm not very used to it.Who left this open? Okay. Go open. Go. Allez. You lost a leg somewhere. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. wait a minute. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. I'm a brand-new Brewster. somebody's at the door. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. -Be careful. up! Now. Now I've got him! Johnny. Now I got him. -But his shoe came off. I'll manage Spenalzo. I live next door. Now I have him. He's so heavy. quick. Hand him over. He's so heavy. wait a minute. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Doctor! . Now I have him. Help me. Mortimer.
May I present Dr. We happen to live here. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction.. That explains everything..It's all right. . .l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. Einstein? Dr. I'm in this house every day.. It's okay." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. And something of a magician. -You've heard of me? -Yes. I've never seen you before. they talk about you.. Now that I know who you are. You don't live here. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. that's all. -You're Jonathan. "That explains everything. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan.
that's all! I see. the cellar. But if he's not home. Is that why you came over here? No. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. a sneak thief. No! Don't be a tomboy. Alice. Don't play rough with the gentlemen.I suppose it was you. . I'll run--You've given two names. I came to see Mortimer. No visitors. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. Go back to your room. It's going to be a private funeral. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Charge! Doctor. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. -What else did you see? -Just that. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous.
. Mortimer. it talks! Yes... Do you hear me? Don't answer that." Listen. -I'll handle this. Einstein. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. I talk. he--Wait a minute. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now.-We'll call the police. . Mortimer. "I've come back home. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. darling...... Jonathan! -I've come back home. Go back to your room. Mortimer.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Mortimer. -What? I've come back home. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Mortimer. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. -Mortimer.
So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other.. I remember. We don't take up much room. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. We invited Jonathan and Dr..Yeah.. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. -In fact. No. . Now. just a moment. be a good fellow. Now look. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Please. Here's $10. I'm staying here tonight. -What? -Just for tonight. Einstein to stay. I'm staying here from now on. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Nothing to.
in just a little while. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. -Killed? Aunt Abby. that. I'll tell you about him. Don't bring anyone else in here. you know what I do to people who order me around. -Oh. Now. Doctor. I'll take care of you. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. . Wait! Who's this Mr. Spenalzo. Mr. While we are packing. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief.Mortimer. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Mortimer. What? What's going to happen to Mr. beat it! It's all right. Elaine. Johnny. I've completely lost track of Mr. darling? -I almost got killed. Spenalzo. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter.
Yes. Well..your brother tries to strangle me. -You'd better run along home. Well. I'm afraid of him. . Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. don't worry about it. look. I got things to do. .. I don't understand you. we were going over Niagara Falls. please. I can't hear the man. a taxi's waiting. Witherspoon. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. Darling. -But--Please.. Mr. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan... Brewster... -What? Go on home like a good girl. Forget it. . He's some kind of a maniac. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr.-It was worse than that..and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. I'm here now. We were married today.
.. windowseat.. Teddy. Thank you. come right away. taxi..I've got the papers all drawn up. I know it's late. I'll get both signatures. darling. Doctor. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Yeah. By the way. darling.put them in a barrel.. wedding ring. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. Let me think about this thing. well.. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please.. signature. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. of course? By the doctor? Oh. .
Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. . It is not Mr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. I did. You admitted you put Mr. Hoskins. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Yes. Hoskins! -By the way.No. Hoskins in the windowseat. Mr. where is Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. you come in here now! Yes. dear. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. he's mistaken. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in.
. Martha. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Listen. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. I've decided that we're staying. what with Jonathan in the house.He's down there waiting for the services. . dear. Are you getting out. We haven't had a minute. Don't. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral.. and I mean now. No. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. you come straight along here. I did. poor dear. You just look and see what's in that windowseat.. handsome. And I've also decided that you're leaving. Oh. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Mortimer. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life.
in that case. -Pleased to meet you. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Well? All right. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. And he's taking Dr. do come in. I've got some very good news for you. I'll have to call the police. Listen. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. -Glad to see you. what happened to Mr. . Remember. Mortimer. Spenalzo can happen to you. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Jonathan. Einstein and that cold companion with him.Aunt Abby.. Put down that telephone. Don't reach for the telephone.. This is our nephew. You can't ask for more than that. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. you're a Brewster. Come right in. -Yes. -No! Come in. Officer.. darling. Jonathan is leaving. You're my brother. I owe you an apology. too. -And this is another nephew.
Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. If you don't leave here. I'm working on a play now. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. Mr. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Spenalzo. All three of you: you. well. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. Einstein and Spenalzo. I got to ring in. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. but I can't spell them. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. Officer O'Hara.Your face is familiar. I can spell like the dickens. You are? Well. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. You can tell me all about it. Dr. -I'll be running along. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. . This is your last chance.
This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. But we've got trouble enough as it is. No. We've got a wonderful setup here. O'Hara. no.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Johnny. we're coming back here. Then if he tries to interfere-No. you lose your head. Right with you. I never did like Mortimer. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Johnny. We're not going. Please! Doctor. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Two old ladies as a front. please. let's go. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. After that. Just give me one moment. take it easy. Now get going! All three of you. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Okay. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Please. We're sleeping right here in this house. We can make a fortune. Come. Look.
-You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Swell. you asked for it.. -Peaches La Tour was her name. It's no fly-by-night idea. we got an ace in the hole. If you tell O'Hara . We're not going.. -You're not going? -No. All right.in the cellar. Well. She was my mother. -Legitimate? Of course. -Excuse me. Yes. -I like the first act. Mortimer. -I don't know. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. Move fast. I worked on it for 12 years.. Well. rehash it. I'll be back in a minute. -My mother was an actress. You stay out of this. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming.
I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . Genius at work.. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Bohemian atmosphere. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's.. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.. This opening will kill you. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.what's in the windowseat. I assure you. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. . Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. You'd better ring in. Lowbrows.. I'll meet you there later. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.
aren't you? You think you've got it over me. dear aunties. You won't stand me up. Where are those papers? There they are. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. You're smug. you ring in and I'll see you later.. Jonathan. will you? This is a great play. The moment the doctor signs. doctor. That was just Mortimer.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. When I come back.. Did he look guilty! Well. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. I don't care who knows about Hoskins..... I think we can start the services now. I expect to find you gone. . Where do you. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Well.. Perish the thought.. You haven't. -I'll see you down there. Martha. Yes. You've got to take him with you! .. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. -Can't wait! Doctor. And speaking of services. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo.Look.. We thought we heard you leave.
you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. there's no room for Mr. Twelve graves. Besides. . Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. He must mean Mr. -Your gentlemen? Yes. -But Mr. Why.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Hoskins. what we've been doing is a mercy. Doctor. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Mr. Hoskins is no stranger. Spenalzo. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. You mean. It's one of our charities. The cellar's crowded already. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. -He's one of our gentlemen. Hoskins--Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. They're both dead. Mr.
You got 12...right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. 12. one in Phoenix. He died of pneumonia. Johnny. Then the first one in London. I've got 13.. -Filling. and they do just as good as you do...and they stay right here in Brooklyn. Phoenix? -The filling station. Spenalzo out of here. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. Two in Johannesburg.. You cannot count him.. .So you just take your Mr. -Thirteen. . one in Sydney. What? You got 12. Spenalzo. That makes 13.. You've done all that. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. There's Mr. . -No. they got 12.. one in Melbourne.. Don't brag. You cannot count the one in South Bend. they got 12. Arizona..... .two in San Francisco. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world.
. -You better wait. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. that's easily taken care of. .l'm sure you'd be convinced.. but only you can help me. but I can't commit a man just on that. Just one more. If you'd talk with him.The old ladies is just as good as you are. -You wait here. I know Teddy blows bugles. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. Pull up a tombstone. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. That's all. And I've a pretty good idea who it is.. Dr.. seeing a doctor. This is most irregular.. are they? Well... All I need is one more. Gilchrist. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. Make yourself comfortable. -Who? What? Did I say. They are. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home.. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. I'll be right back.
Welcome to Washington.50! -What? $22. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. Well now. that's that. Five more bucks and you'll own it.-Hey. -Mr. with a Maxim silencer. darling. Not so good. It wouldn't fit me. So far. -Do you? -Yes. so good. yes. of course I love you. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. thanks.50! Oh. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. No. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. the meter! "Looks good on me." $22. looks good on you! Not the suit. . President. It gives me a chance to rest. may I present--Dr. indeed. is it not? Yes. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Certainly. $22.50.
if the country insists. but you see. I probably should have told you this before.. darling. but it's only a matter of time.. -That's what you think. that doesn't mean-No. Doctor.. . Just because Teddy's strange. It practically gallops. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. -Of course. I don't quite know.. I love you so much. Darling. . -What are you talking about? -Well. but I won't be elected. insanity runs in my family.well. I'll run for a third term. Darling. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. that's ancient history. It's way back before Teddy. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower... I can't go through with our marriage. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling..
Just go on signing the papers. -Those papers. Aunt Abby. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. you better stop it. drop in to see me at the White House. It'll just have to be undone. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. What of it? So your family's crazy. Thank you.. They're Brewsters. sanest people I've ever known. Anytime you're in Washington. That's the way I love you. even they have their peculiarities. There's no use doing what you're doing. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. So you're crazy. I'm crazy too. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. but kiss me. -Go away. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Goodbye. go to bed! . no. No. all this doesn't prove a thing..Darling. I. Look at your aunts. Well. Ambassador..
If Jonathan and Mr. let him. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police..we're going for the police. .. .It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. You know. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Nice and smooth like a lake. I'll get them out. Martha and I are going for the police. All right. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Spenalzo in together. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. You're forgetting. -Oh. Hoskins and Mr. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. Bed feels good already.. This is all fixed up nice now. Doctor. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr..
go to bed. But Johnny. Doctor. No! I am tired. I think. perhaps. You can see that it's got to be done. not tonight! I'm sleepy.-Remember. No. huh? The quick twist like in London. Doctor. I just heard him upstairs. what? . It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Mortimer. no police! No police! Look. we'll do it. Not the Melbourne method. can't you? Yeah. I know that look. the Melbourne method. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. Doctor. We'll do it tomorrow. Okay. But the quick way. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Or the next day. I think this calls for something special. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. You are going to operate tomorrow. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Look at me. My brother. Okay. You forget. Johnny.
I can't hear you.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. -Please listen to me. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Get out. will you. I can't hear you. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. President. This must be secret. President. Johnny's in a bad mood. Brewster. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. You already have them on. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. What a load off my mind. mice? -You get out of this house. Wait here. Yes. President. Mr. I see! Very clever. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. So I have. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Boy. Mr. President. -I'll put on my signing clothes. What is it. Mr. Oh. Mr. Hey. Don't do that. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Get out! -Stop underplaying. . please? -What? Speak up. Mr. -Of course.
1919. -What's that? Wait. but you go now. He's a maniac! And then things happen. You've just been married. Only for dramatic critics. Don't those plays you see all the time . Horrible things. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Please. You beat it before things start popping around here. I'll take care of him.. Please. Heidelberg. Please listen to me. But. -My schnapps. please.he's a madman. . when Johnny's in that mood. look.Are you really a doctor? Yes..Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. -That's mine. -I could use that. Doc-. Brewster.. little fellow. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Stop it. You take care of yourself. Get going. Mr. You have a nice little wife waiting for you.. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Please go now.
What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord.. And does he go? No.. Now listen to this. When you get out of prison. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. Witherspoon. . He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. At least people in plays act like they got sense.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. There's a man. He's even been warned to get out. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. There's a play that's so bad. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. he doesn't. Isn't that great? So there he is. it'll still be running when you get out. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it.. The murderer even invites him to sit down.
a fellow never sees or hears anything. All he has to do is look around. Doctor. In Melbourne one night.. . Please. Now.. Now get a load of this. in a play or even in a movie. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. my dear brother. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.. . That's right. but does he? No! See.we go to work. Later on..Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. the quick way. brother Heidelberg... I've been away for 20 years. for me. Johnny. Mortimer. you may consider that a blessing. Yes. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. I dreamt of you... But never. He wasn't very bright. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. . Look at the attitude. This fellow's supposed to be bright. were you out of my mind.
there was some wine. After all. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . -Please. Let's get it over with. Where did they put it? I found some wine. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. We drink to you. Where are your manners? Yes. Here.-This must be an artistic achievement. To my dear. That idiot! -He goes next. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. That's all. One moment. And then they took it. Pull yourself together. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Please! All right. You remember when we came in. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. But I cannot see this without the drink. dead brother. please. I'll split it with you. We both have a drink before we operate. Mortimer.
yes! If it has to be. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. They practically stole that from my play. Yeah. I'll help you.-We'll get to him later. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. out of a clear sky.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.. In the second act. The quick way. sure.. . I'd better talk to him myself. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. I see. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. We're taking the bugle away from him. The quick way. -What happened to him? -Nothing.. Like a flash. It's all right. .. then the quick way.
casual-like. It's getting you.. All of a sudden.. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. My mother doesn't say they're married. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. -It's probably over his head.. see? Little do I know it.. there's me. Well. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. please. I'm walking along my beat.. I'm in great danger. -What? -I personally like it very much. in the meantime. It's an evolving stage. . ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. "Miss Peaches La Tour. .. Growing into a magnificent specimen. You ain't heard nothing yet. a fire breaks out. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. The scene changes.He says.
the cops! I sees the door handle turn... Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -There's a vacant house on the corner. That's the one that ran away. Did they send you here? No. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. -I heard him.. He says we've got to put him away someplace. this is Mortimer Brewster. Get me Mac. . -He's going to help me write my play. My play put him to sleep.. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Right in the middle of the second act. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. So he came back. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. boys. Brewster's brother. The neighbors are phoning in. we came to warn the old ladies.. Now.when a guy that I'm following.. Brophy. . so I pulls out my gun. -Johnny. who the heck is this? Mr.. I figures I'll outsmart him. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello.
Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. we'll hold him right here. 13. Mr. you've got me. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. . Shall we bring him in? All right. It wasn't that bad. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. You think my aunts are sweet. -I'll show them to you. Brewster. The Lieutenant is on his way over. I better let them know that I found you. So I've been turned in? All right. Brewster. Thirteen bodies. don't you? Well. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. -Wait a minute. We found him. Yes. Leave him to me. At the Brewster house. Your aunts are friends of ours. -Come down to the cellar. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. charming old ladies. Be careful what you say. Mr. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute.
do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Pat. I got him. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Well. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. -Yes. Amazing. look out! Amazing. come to the cellar. I got something better. Go on and fight. that's enough. Look out! Fight. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. -Go on down the cellar with him.I'll show you where they're buried. too. You could use this in the third act. please. Such a fine day. look. Don't bother me now. That's enough. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. -Go to the cellar with him. Pat. . Everybody off. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. He looks like Boris Karloff.
I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Get him. Turn him over. I've tried it before-It did. dear. . That won't have any effect. Wish I could relax like that.. Don't do that. Telephone. please. -Witherspoon. Boris. -Come in. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. fight. Isn't that amazing? Oh. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. That's fine. Pat... What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. Thank you very much. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.The papers are all signed. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. What do I care? Go ahead. brother.
. pal.... You're going to have a long time on that play. He's a lifer.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. Certainly. The guy who helped him escape. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. Report in." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. You're suspended. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. That's my brother.... . About my not ringing in. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.you can at least read short detective stories. "He looked like Karloff. he's wanted. . That's the way they described him. too. He says 13 bodies are there. Now go on.. He's wanted..and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks.
No. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. We caught him at the White House. Colonel. -Hey. This is a spy. With flatheads like you on the force. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. Colonel. No sleep. I'm Mortimer Brewster. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. I want to question him. you've blown your last bugle. -Questioning of spies is my department. Nothing to eat. keep out of that. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. . No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. you. Take him out and bring him to. But I'm not myself today. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Howdy.Here.
Witherspoon. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. Any offers? I'm Mr. No arguments. I know just how you feel. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Read this. Captain. . -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Look. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. started a murder rumor.You're his brother. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. There's people dumb enough to believe that. -As long as he's going someplace. take it easy. Just a minute. He's got to be put away. I'm liable to think anything. No arguments. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. I have come to get a Brewster. -I'm waiting for Mr. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. no argument. Last year there was a crazy guy.
-Hold him till I get there. Let me explain. Never mind! Give me that pen. He's ready to talk. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. -That's fine. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. That's all right! Do that again for me. I'm so glad to see you. all I got to get is Witherspoon. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows.Mr. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. This is fun. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Witherspoon is here. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. . Brewster? Mr. Now. it's chicanery.
-I've never met a dramatic critic before. You never can tell. this is Mr. Taxicabs. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. it's a play. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. I have one waiting now. Something I've been working on. I sometimes envy some of our patients.And no wagon when he leaves. You know. -That's good. We always. Witherspoon. you know-Captain.. secretly. You do? It must be a nice place. I want you to be just as harsh as you like.. I shan't mind. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. Why? To take him away? Never. -The woods are full of them. It means a great deal to me.. never. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I've never been there. . You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.
Aunt Abby. Your term of office is over. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Aunt Martha. my boy. Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Now you can take him away.-Come.. This is Captain Rooney.. your guide to Africa. I have good news for you. all signed. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. I'll bring down my equipment. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Mr. this isn't Mr. Taft. Let's see. Happy man. President? Taft! No. -What is this? No. It's Mr. you got it wrong. President. Witherspoon. -Is this March 4? -Practically. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills.. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Goodbye. I'm on my way to Africa. I must get started immediately.
Oh. ladies. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. indeed? It's sweet of them. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. You could arrange that. Why not? Why not. haven't you? No. he can't go now! We won't permit it. . I've got it. too! -Yes. let's be sensible. dear. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Now. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. but impossible. -I'm sorry. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. he's come to take him.It's all right. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. You've come to meet Teddy. you'll have to take us with him. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. Too dangerous. No. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. we're going. We promise to take his bugle away from him. jealousy. Dissension. -If he's going. How can you allow this? You promised. -We won't be separated from Teddy.
. No.. you wouldn't have to dig. You just ask our nephew. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. Mortimer. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. He's been a little strange all day. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.It ain't only his bugle blowing. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. What? Yes. The graves are all marked. -I'll look in that cellar... There are 13 bodies in our cellar. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. -I'll tell you what we'll do. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.. . Things are going to get worse.and we'll get them all together. -How about it? -I'll be right there.
who doesn't belong here and has to leave. -He got married today. I put neon lights on mine. a Mr. "There is a Happy Dale far. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. It's amazing. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Smile. Spenalzo. humor them. None of mine are gentlemen.. If we can go with Teddy... . -Certainly. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Humor them. Hasn't got it yet. Teddy committed himself. There's one down there. -Flowers? Sure. we'll sign the papers. -You mustn't mind him at all. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better..-We put flowers on them every Sunday. Where are they? .
dear. Oh. -Good night. please. Sign them up. Doctor. We've overlooked something. Dr. A doctor. please. will you? I want this all cleaned up. please. ladies. if you'll sign right here. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. here. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Ladies. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. I'm so sorry. please. Now. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Doctor.I have them. right here. The neighborhood here has changed so. Einstein. Dr. I'm really looking forward to going. -Were you leaving. . -Here? -Yes. Dr. Come along. Doctor? -Yes. It's on the right-hand side there. -A doctor? -Yes. -Come here. Just sign right here. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Maybe I can understand him. Yes.
Talks with a German accent. You've done Brooklyn a great service. You sign as next of kin. The doctor has completed the signatures. will you? About 40. Thanks.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. It's all right. Mac. Don't mind me. -Don't play games--You sign. It's your turn. But Dr. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Read it to me. Five-foot-three. Pop eyes. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Okay. . His accomplice's description is on the circular. One hundred and forty pounds. Witherport. Mac. That's great! Thanks. Mr. It's contagious. yes. Hello. Doc. I'm Brewster. Poses as a doctor. on the desk. Einstein! -Now. Mr.
Come up and pack my duffel. Well. And you were born . you signed as next of kin. President. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. dear. -Well. We're very happy about the whole thing. -What's wrong about that. Duffel? Pack his duffel. -What. -It's yours. dear. -Mine? You see. -Here. darling. darling? -Martha. but that's just it. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. of course. Now. don't be worried. darling. Mortimer. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. you tell him. We don't want anything to go wrong. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something.-Spoon. you know? And bring along my bugle. He's President. -Me too. Einstein--But it's not his signature.
He was a chef on a tramp steamer. too. It's true. They're off to a flying start. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye... I really did see-- . . And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine.about three months afterwards. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. Quiet! -But. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. -Goodbye. Your real father was a cook. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.. So brother married her.we didn't want to lose her.
Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. We're going to Niagara Falls. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Call me a cab. dear. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Yes. its operators. But.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. love. I'm a son of a sea cook. Mr. Mortimer.
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