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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater....he's in Brooklyn six nights a week... .should take any man's daughter anyplace. Don't you call them "the girls. and now. That's their way of digging up people to do good to...but no man with this published attitude. Sister Martha and I are so happy. ..they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.. .. watch your language.. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. You know I'm not a swearing man. I must be catching cold. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.. at any time. Brophy. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. No. . He used to come to see us only occasionally. Bless you. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed..... dear." either..Their old man left them fixed for life. .. You'd be surprised . Reverend Harper. He's so very much in love with her. Remember now.
we came for the toys. I'll go. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Will you excuse me? No. Mr. -Miss Abby. gentlemen. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. That's splendid work you men do. absolutely nothing to report. Brophy? . we have nothing to report. Splendid! Thank you. This is Officer O'Hara. Thank you. by the library door. They're all packed. You know the Reverend Dr. sir? It's nice to meet you. dear. No. Gentlemen. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. He's taking over my beat. At ease. You get tired of playing cards. Teddy. what news have you brought me? Colonel. -Come right in. -How do you do. no. Teddy.what they'd consider swearing. Brophy. How do you do. The toys are on the chair up here. the new man on the beat. This is Officer O'Hara. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp.
Isn't it a shame. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. He's an interesting character. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . But a little weak. Teddy.... Now don't do that again. That's right... I'll make a note. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. Sarge. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.. Isn't it a shame.and the neighbors raised Cain..it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Please don't bother. thank you. You've done so much already.. . still. I promised I wouldn't swear. Reverend. . Father. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.She's better. Look. Gentlemen.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.. They're afraid of him..
Dismissed! . -The children will go crazy. put it back. -Don't mention it.. Be sure it's good and hot. it goes to Australia. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Colonel. It'll make a lot of kids happy. -But the Oregon goes to Australia.. Brophy.Well. -Thank you. -Now.. No. how do you do? Miss Martha. -These are lovely. So long. Hey. you're back. dear. Martha. Officer O'Hara. You bet I will. Sarge. Yes. this is grand. Here's the broth for Mrs. He's taking over my duties. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Miss Brewster. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. now. -Reverend. Colonel. Teddy. and thank you very much. -Not at all. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. Thank you. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy.
a long time ago. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. if he's happy. -Careful of the step with the toys. Goodbye. we thought if he'd be George Washington. -Well. Well.. Young man. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. and we suggested it. let that be a lesson to you.-Goodbye and thank you. and what's more important..... And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. Yes. indeed..it might be a change for him. That is quite a problem. -Don't mention it. Do you remember. . you're happy... I must be going. Martha? Once.. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. . -Good night.
sweet Reverend Harper. There wasn't time. too. And dinner's going to be late. . Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. So. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine.. -I'll run right downstairs and see. why? Good news for you. -No..to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. I just couldn't wait for you. -I got along fine. I didn't know when you'd be back. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. Martha. dear. -But all by yourself. And I was all alone. Did you just have tea? Yes. dear. and Reverend Harper was coming. Dear. You know.. I'm sure we needn't worry about him.
darlings. you're going to love me .. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. And her brooch. Hold on to that. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen.. Please! For heaven's sake! But.Well? Just look in the windowseat. Mortimer. -Take her hat. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. buddy. Here's your hat. Wait a minute. Mortimer. right out here with everyone looking. keep them. Just throw it. But. -You ain't seen anything yet. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. -You've got to drive us to the station.. -But that was only Sunday. -This old cab has seen osculation but. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. -But. There they are. -It's Elaine! -Hello. I don't like that look in your eyes. If you find her hairpins.
. He's a dear..for my mind.. the bridal suite in the hotel. We've a room on the train. I started packing the day after I met you. Look. I can handle Father. hurry and pack. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. darling. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. too? One thing at a time.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel... There's that look again! "There's that look again. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. you see! You see? That's what I mean. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. Yes. Go on. I don't have to. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. You should've seen my secretary's face. . There.. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. It goes just before this. don't tell your father. . That's what I hate about women. No. You'll see it often..
-It'll be a few minutes. Hold on to your bustles. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. open the front door fast. darling. When you whistle. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. And throw in a flock .I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. -Father may want to pray over me. Isn't it too. you two old frauds. Elaine and I are married. We're married. Brewster? Good. it's me. What? Now? No. If you see a tall. hurry. -Whistle when you're ready. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Hurry. Did you send those roses to Mrs. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. here. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Oh. dark streak of light. Grand Central Station.
a wedding cake. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. But before you go. we can have our celebration. -And. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. Oh. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. -You won't have time to bake a cake. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. of course. I'm going to burn all my books. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. Of course. Well. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. Did everybody know I was getting married. You know how your books upset him.of orange blossoms. It's all ready. We're going to Niagara Falls. dear. . I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. A taxi's waiting. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. I'll run along and get everything ready. too.
Mortimer! -How are you. I'm off to Panama. you know. Mr. Really? A honey of a lunatic. I know. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. thank you. President. what a face! I remember now. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. goodbye. He'd scare grownups with it. had a character in it. A new lock for the canal. Just bully. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. reminded me of Jonathan. Yes. President? -Bully. My.Now you behave. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Hello. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Goodbye. "Oh. Mr. Oh. I saw a play. dear! . Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. dear.
we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Yes. dear. We know. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Yes. Teddy's killed a man. I'm frightfully sorry. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. listen. look. That's after we're gone. . darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. At once! -He's in the cellar. Well. Now. darling! Never mind that now. When Teddy's working on the canal. darlings. dear. mister. -You know? -Of course. but I've got an awful shock for you.Yeah. the first thing you see is a dead body. Get him up here now. darlings. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. When the curtain goes up. you can't get his mind on anything else. The next thing-Hey. -There's no such hurry as that. what a play.
men just don't get into windowseats and die... The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. What the. how did he die? Mortimer. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek.. dear. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. He died first. Who is he? He's a Mr. Mortimer.. You mean you.Now. You put it in the wine? . When it's in tea. Now look. Adam Hoskins. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. Hoskins. That's really all I know about him. No. Wait! Stop all this. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. except that he's a Methodist. Aunt Martha.. You just forget about it. it has a distinct odor. don't be so inquisitive.
Mortimer. That wouldn't have been very nice. Abby. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. We must do that. Schultz. Look at me..Yes.because Reverend Harper was coming. The dears. Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat. Now.. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. you know all about it and just forget about it. She's much better. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. but this time we'll go where we want to go.. tomorrow or next day. not at tea. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. . darling. It's first-degree.. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? .
Whatever his name is. Teddy's down in the cellar now. dear. You're going to bury Mr. You can't.Yes. here. I want to know what we're going to do. digging the lock. don't be so impatient. Mortimer. We told you to forget the whole thing. dear. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. dear. -We can't turn you over to the police. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. I know what his name is. -But Mr. We don't intend to. you can't leave him in there. dear. Now. Look. Mortimer. Aunt Martha. -We'll let you lick the bowl.. you behave. Hoskins. . Mr. -Stop worrying about it. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. it is.. That's what we did with the others. Hodgekiss--Hoskins.. They have so much fun.
When you say "others. dear.. No. Let me see now. she's probably right. For heaven's sake. This makes 12." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. I didn't mean-- . But.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen... I really don't think you should count the first one. dear. Hello. and that makes it 12. . what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Abby usually is. Abby. I get them mixed up sometimes. Abby? No. Makes it 12. keep your shirt on! Elaine. isn't it. because I remember when Mr. I was counting the first one. dear. dear. Abby. This is 1 1. I think you're wrong.-Others? -The other gentlemen. dear.. Abby. This one is only 1 1 . Hoskins first came in. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. It does? Well.
who was the first one? Mr...... . .. Where were we? Twelve... Why.and he sat there dead in that chair. So. you see... Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. Twelve! Yes... We felt so sorry for him. then and there.. old gentleman. when his heart attack came. you poor. Never mind about that. Abby thinks we should count the first one. .. Martha? We made up our minds.we would. Midgely. All his kith and kin were dead. dear. .that if we could help other lonely. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. let's see.. Tell me.. Just sit down. .. old men.. And then. .looking so peaceful.... He was a Baptist. Teddy came up from digging in Panama... we all took him down to Panama.. You mean. Remember.. ..... he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.Now.to find that same peace.and he thought Mr. He was such a lonely.
. Should have quite a kick. -Mortimer..l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it... .... for a gallon of elderberry wine... dear.. There. darling.. Wait a minute! Come here....because we know exactly what's to be done. Of course not! Well....in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. Well. No.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. As a matter of fact. so.. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. dear. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli... . And then..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. just a pinch of cyanide. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. . one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " ..
Winchell? No. Singing away.He did? Well. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. La Guardia. Let me see.. Let me see. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Everybody knows he's crazy. Happy as a lark. Winchell's no good. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. I couldn't eat a thing. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number.. Don't worry about the cake. He's wonderful. a sip of. We must get that cake frosted. Teddy! Of course. darling. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. That'd be nice. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Who can I call up? Dewey.. digging locks.. What am I doing with tickets? Information. wasn't that nice of him? Abby... A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this.
You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. Something's happened. I'll call you up tomorrow. dark streak of light. What'd you do. I heard you whistle. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. please. you! Thought you were tall. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. What's wrong? Look at your hair. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. Yeah. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. . Brooklyn.on North Shore Road. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. -Run on home. -How do I look? -You look fine. yes.
You better go home! -But. very important. A thing happened. I'll tell you why I called you.. I've got to come over and see you right away. darling. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. Judge. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. It's about Teddy. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. -Go to bed.If I could only tell you. The police want to throw him into a state institution. Judge. It's very. It won't wait until tomorrow. We've got to do something immediately. Judge.. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster.. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. Elaine. he's-It's his bugle blowing. we were married today. . But it's a matter of life and. You smell so nice. about Teddy.
-Well. this would be a nice comfortable chair. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. I'm Miss Brewster. I'm sorry. Do step in. we can get him to Happy Dale. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. please. Another Miss Brewster. New York. How do you do? Come in.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. do sit down. And this is my sister. Happy Dale. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. -All alone in the world? . Now. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. we're just setting the table for dinner. Doorbell's ringing. Operator? Give me long distance. Don't like it. I understand you've got a room to rent. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. dear. It's a wonderful place. -My name's Gibbs.
. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it.. you've come to just the right house. It's elderberry wine. I don't think I'll like it.. Martha. skoal. "D" Iike in "dig. -Do sit down. I'd like to see the room. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Well. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Please. -Dale." when you dig a lock." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. Happy Dale. -No. -Thank you. I can see the headlines now.-Well. . we make this ourselves. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. That's right. but the cemetery's full of them. The room's upstairs. Well. Well.
killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. Don't do that.. I'm not drunk.Hello. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . but you've given me an idea! Darling. What I mean is. People wouldn't understand. madam. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you... operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do... I'm nervous. .. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. He wouldn't understand. Oh. it's wrong. Not that.. murdered.but it's not only against the law.
if your mind is made up. How do you do.What? All right. do you-I'm fine. Oh. we want to commit him there immediately.-. Witherspoon speaking. Well. Mr. .. Witherspoon. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Well. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present.That's amazing. And if-Oh. Mr. if he thought that-Mr.and it would lead to trouble. Witherspoon. Yes. please. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Witherspoon. Oh. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. thanks. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Bonaparte. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. dear. That's too bad.. Brewster. . Thank you... How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Of course. Mr. Thank you. dear. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Well. now. operator. Mr. I see.
-But. darling. but I want you to promise me something. you'll do that little thing for me. What on earth could happen to us? Well. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. don't you? Yes. Whosit where he is. Well. I'll sing with you. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. like good girls. Anyway. we'd have to know what it was first. dear. Oh. I want you to do one thing for me. I mean. Mortimer.. I love you both very much. . I can't concentrate. Now listen.. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. I can't talk to you. darling.... -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. dear. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr.. Get off that thing.Another Roosevelt. You know I'd do anything for you.
anything. Remember. well. Oh. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. cab! Here you are. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey.I'll dance with you. Shame! Such a nice hat. You promise? Good. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. The poor dears. Yes. What? Stop that. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. I'll sit with you! Yeah. that's right. I can go faster that way. You know. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. I'm so happy for Elaine. What is it? Mr. -Don't open it. Why? He's just been married. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. . Sure. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset.
Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. This is the home of my youth. Yes. . it's a good hideout. doctor. -You look. Look. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. -Do you recognize them? -No. As if we were expected. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. they're strangers to me. The family must still live here. Come in. A fatted calf?. I'll go. and I've never seen them before. I'm so hungry. Johnny. Drink. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. As a boy. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. -Are you sure? -Yes. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. There's one up in my room. -Let me look. dear. we'll need another hymnal. Johnny. Johnny. It's two men.
No.. Jonathan. It's Jonathan. so don't pretend you are. still the high collar. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Why. . Your nephew. Aunt Martha. But I've seen that face before. . I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring.... you know. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. Have you been in an accident? My face. And you.A good omen.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. you're not. his voice is like Jonathan's.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. He's a plastic surgeon.. Aunt Martha. Dr. You're nothing like Jonathan.. Einstein is responsible for that.... Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. .. You just get out of here.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
-Down here. as a boy.. six feet long.You remember that.. I could be disagreeable. we'll bring him in through the window. And it just fits Mr. Bed. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Quick.. Four feet wide. I don't have to go into details. That's hospitality. We expect to be very busy. . Spenalzo. How do we get him in here? Yes.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Spenalzo along. Come here. See the hole he's digging. Rather a good joke on my aunts. we can't just walk Mr. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. .. Spenalzo in through the door. I forgot to tell you. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr..
You'd better get to bed. The car is all right where it is until morning. Teddy. Hoskins? Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away. What are we going to do about Mr. General Goethals was very pleased. That might be against the law. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. we must keep it a secret. He said the canal was just the right size. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. there's been another yellow-fever victim. a state secret. I think Teddy had better take Mr. And he's been so patient. No. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. I don't want to leave it in the street. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. Promise? You have the word of the President . the poor dear.We're moving the car behind the house. A state secret? Yes.
. Your room is waiting for you. It seems to be spreading. But you must be very tired. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. Cross my heart and hope to die. I've never even seen Mr.. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. he's really very nice looking.. You just come right along and see him now..you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. Now. We've never had yellow fever there before.. We're bringing the luggage through here. you were out. And we'll come down later and hold services.. . considering that he's a Methodist.of the United States. . How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. And then. when everything's dark here.when I turn out the lights. Now get along. . You can go right up.. Both of you. You two run along to bed. let's see. -And we don't go to bed this early. You know. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours..
and I'll stay here and pull. Now! Turn out the lights. I'll come back later. When I tap on the glass. Aunt Abby. Now. Aunt Abby. Run along. we'll all go to bed. We must be quick. I'll open the window. It's dark in here. Just off the laboratory. Take the bags upstairs. you open the window. For the instruments. But he's too heavy for me. And then together we take him down to Panama. All right. I'll take a look around outside the house. He's all right. . You go round and hand him through. Good night. Doctor. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Yeah. Johnny. Aunt Martha. You go outside and push. -I'll be right up. -All right.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Where am l? Here I am.
quick. I'll manage Spenalzo. Help me. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. I'm not very used to it. up! Now. Hand him over. Doctor! . wait a minute. I mean. Mortimer.Who left this open? Okay. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Allez. Help me. Go open. it's Brewster. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. He's so heavy. Now I got him. wait a minute. You lost a leg somewhere. Now I've got him! Johnny. somebody's at the door. Now I have him. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. I live next door. -Be careful. -But his shoe came off. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Go. He's so heavy. Now I have him.
. We happen to live here. -You're Jonathan.. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. That explains everything.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door.. Now that I know who you are. It's okay. I've never seen you before. I'm in this house every day. -You've heard of me? -Yes." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. Einstein? Dr. May I present Dr. "That explains everything. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. that's all. they talk about you.. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. You don't live here. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. ..It's all right. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. And something of a magician.
But if he's not home. No! Don't be a tomboy. . a sneak thief. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. No visitors. that's all! I see. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. It's going to be a private funeral. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. -What else did you see? -Just that. Is that why you came over here? No. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Go back to your room. I came to see Mortimer. Alice.I suppose it was you. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. the cellar. I'll run--You've given two names. Charge! Doctor. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar.
Jonathan! -I've come back home..when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. "I've come back home. -I'll handle this. darling. Go back to your room. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. -What? I've come back home. it talks! Yes. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. he--Wait a minute. Einstein. .. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Mortimer. -Mortimer.. Mortimer. I talk. Mortimer. Mortimer." Listen. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember.-We'll call the police.. Do you hear me? Don't answer that.. Mortimer.. ..
Yeah. Please.. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other.. -What? -Just for tonight. just a moment. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Now look. -In fact. Here's $10. I'm staying here from now on. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. I'm staying here tonight. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. . be a good fellow. We don't take up much room. Nothing to. Now. We invited Jonathan and Dr. Einstein to stay. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. I remember. No.. and I'll sleep on the windowseat.
Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Don't bring anyone else in here. I've completely lost track of Mr. darling? -I almost got killed.Mortimer. I'll tell you about him. you know what I do to people who order me around. beat it! It's all right. . Spenalzo. Johnny. Elaine. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. -Oh. Spenalzo. that. Now. Doctor. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. While we are packing. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. in just a little while. Mr. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Mortimer. Wait! Who's this Mr. I'll take care of you. -Killed? Aunt Abby.
Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. I'm here now. we were going over Niagara Falls.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. . don't worry about it. Brewster. I can't hear the man. Well. please. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. We were married today.. -You'd better run along home.-It was worse than that. Yes. I got things to do. Well. Darling.. He's some kind of a maniac. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr... a taxi's waiting. Forget it. I don't understand you... -What? Go on home like a good girl. Mr. .. I'm afraid of him. Witherspoon. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. look. -But--Please.your brother tries to strangle me. ..
signature..put them in a barrel. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. . darling. Let me think about this thing. taxi. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. Yeah. well. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. I know it's late. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. of course? By the doctor? Oh. windowseat. Doctor.. darling. I'll get both signatures. Thank you. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. By the way.. wedding ring.I've got the papers all drawn up. . and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. Teddy.. come right away...
This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Hoskins! -By the way. -What? You buried him? -Not yet.No. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. Mr. he's mistaken. Yes. dear. . This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. It is not Mr. I did. You admitted you put Mr. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. you come in here now! Yes. where is Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Hoskins.
and I mean now. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral..He's down there waiting for the services. I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Oh. you come straight along here. Mortimer. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. handsome. We haven't had a minute. dear. poor dear. I've decided that we're staying. . I'm in no mood to debate the question. And I've also decided that you're leaving. Listen. what with Jonathan in the house. you admit you poisoned them! Yes.. No. Martha. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. You just look and see what's in that windowseat.. Are you getting out. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. Don't.
I owe you an apology.. You can't ask for more than that. Well? All right. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Einstein and that cold companion with him. you're a Brewster. Don't reach for the telephone. darling. Put down that telephone. I've got some very good news for you. -Pleased to meet you. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. . Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness.Aunt Abby. -Glad to see you. Jonathan is leaving. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. This is our nephew. And he's taking Dr... in that case. I'll have to call the police. -And this is another nephew. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Mortimer. Remember. Officer. what happened to Mr. -Yes. do come in. Jonathan. You're my brother. -No! Come in. too. Come right in. Spenalzo can happen to you. Listen.
This is your last chance.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. I'm working on a play now. You can tell me all about it. Officer O'Hara. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. I got to ring in. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Dr. Mr. but I can't spell them. You are? Well. I can spell like the dickens. -I'll be running along. Spenalzo. . If you don't leave here. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. well.Your face is familiar. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. Einstein and Spenalzo. All three of you: you. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves.
Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Now get going! All three of you. Come. Then if he tries to interfere-No. After that. We're not going. no. No. I never did like Mortimer. let's go. Just give me one moment. We can make a fortune. Johnny. But we've got trouble enough as it is. please. We're sleeping right here in this house. Only Mortimer stands in our way. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Okay. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Two old ladies as a front. Please. Please! Doctor. you lose your head. Right with you. We've got a wonderful setup here. we're coming back here. Look. take it easy. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Johnny. O'Hara.
If you tell O'Hara . All right.. Mortimer. We're not going. -I like the first act.. Yes. Well.in the cellar. rehash it. -Peaches La Tour was her name. She was my mother. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Legitimate? Of course. I worked on it for 12 years. Move fast. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. we got an ace in the hole. You stay out of this.. -I don't know. -Swell. you asked for it. -My mother was an actress. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. -You're not going? -No. -Excuse me. I'll be back in a minute. Well. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. It's no fly-by-night idea.
Genius at work. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. You'd better ring in.. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. I'll meet you there later. This opening will kill you. I assure you.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Lowbrows. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. Bohemian atmosphere.what's in the windowseat. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .. huh? Let's go where we can be alone... .
That was just Mortimer. Well. will you? This is a great play. And speaking of services.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. You're smug. When I come back. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. doctor. -Can't wait! Doctor.. Did he look guilty! Well. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's.. The moment the doctor signs. -I'll see you down there. We thought we heard you leave.... Where are those papers? There they are. You haven't.. Where do you. Martha. dear aunties. you ring in and I'll see you later. You've got to take him with you! . I think we can start the services now.. Wait for me! We'll wait for him.Look. You won't stand me up.. I expect to find you gone. . aren't you? You think you've got it over me. Jonathan.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Yes. Perish the thought.
Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Twelve graves. Spenalzo. Mr. -But Mr. there's no room for Mr. . Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Why. Hoskins--Mr. Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. They're both dead. Hoskins. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. The cellar's crowded already. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. It's one of our charities. Doctor. Hoskins is no stranger.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -He's one of our gentlemen. what we've been doing is a mercy. You mean. He must mean Mr. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Besides.
Don't brag.. they got 12. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Johnny... one in Sydney. I've got 13. Then the first one in London. .. You got 12. You cannot count the one in South Bend. Phoenix? -The filling station. and they do just as good as you do. one in Phoenix. Arizona.. -Filling....right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. That makes 13. Spenalzo out of here. There's Mr.. 12. Spenalzo. You've done all that. one in Melbourne. He died of pneumonia. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. they got 12...two in San Francisco.... What? You got 12. . Two in Johannesburg.. . You cannot count him.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. -Thirteen. .So you just take your Mr. -No.
If you'd talk with him.l'm sure you'd be convinced. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. Make yourself comfortable. but I can't commit a man just on that. -Who? What? Did I say. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed.. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. . are they? Well. They are. This is most irregular. -You wait here. . Pull up a tombstone. -You better wait. but only you can help me. All I need is one more. seeing a doctor. Gilchrist. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins.The old ladies is just as good as you are..... I'll be right back. Dr.. Just one more. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. I know Teddy blows bugles. that's easily taken care of. That's all. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. The pixies won't be out till after midnight..
the meter! "Looks good on me. may I present--Dr.-Hey. So far. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Certainly. It wouldn't fit me. yes.50! -What? $22. Welcome to Washington." $22. of course I love you. Well now. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. $22. with a Maxim silencer. indeed. President. thanks. . Not so good.50! Oh. Five more bucks and you'll own it. -Mr. darling.50. -Do you? -Yes. is it not? Yes. so good. It gives me a chance to rest. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. No. that's that. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. looks good on you! Not the suit.
... I love you so much. -What are you talking about? -Well. Darling. I don't quite know. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. that's ancient history.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling.. darling. .. but I won't be elected. I probably should have told you this before. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. but it's only a matter of time.. Doctor. It's way back before Teddy. if the country insists.. Darling. that doesn't mean-No. It practically gallops. -That's what you think. insanity runs in my family. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.well. . I'll run for a third term. but you see. Just because Teddy's strange. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. I can't go through with our marriage. -Of course.
Just go on signing the papers. all this doesn't prove a thing. No. go to bed! . drop in to see me at the White House. no. Thank you. So you're crazy. It'll just have to be undone.. you better stop it..Darling. Anytime you're in Washington. -Those papers. -Go away. That's the way I love you. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Well. What of it? So your family's crazy. sanest people I've ever known. I'm crazy too. Ambassador. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. There's no use doing what you're doing. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. I. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. Look at your aunts. even they have their peculiarities. Goodbye. Aunt Abby.. They're Brewsters. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. but kiss me.
Nice and smooth like a lake. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. I'll get them out. .. Doctor. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning.. -Oh... Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. let him. Spenalzo in together. If Jonathan and Mr. You're forgetting. Martha and I are going for the police. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. You know. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Hoskins and Mr. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Bed feels good already. All right.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. . Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.we're going for the police. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. This is all fixed up nice now.
But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. My brother. We'll do it tomorrow. Not the Melbourne method. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. huh? The quick twist like in London. But the quick way. But Johnny. Look at me. no police! No police! Look. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. You are going to operate tomorrow. Doctor. I know that look. Or the next day. perhaps. Doctor. I think this calls for something special. No! I am tired. not tonight! I'm sleepy. You can see that it's got to be done. Johnny. I just heard him upstairs. Okay. Doctor. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. I think. the Melbourne method. we'll do it. Okay. go to bed. I got to operate on your face tomorrow.-Remember. what? . Mortimer. You forget. No. can't you? Yeah.
mice? -You get out of this house. President. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. please? -What? Speak up. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. You already have them on. -Please listen to me. What is it. I can't hear you. Mr. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. . Get out! -Stop underplaying. Yes. -I'll put on my signing clothes. So I have. Boy. Mr. This must be secret. Mr. President. will you. Don't do that. Mr. I see! Very clever. President. Wait here. What a load off my mind. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Mr. -Of course. Brewster. President. Oh.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Johnny's in a bad mood. Hey. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. I can't hear you. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Get out.
You beat it before things start popping around here. Get going. -That's mine.. when Johnny's in that mood. Only for dramatic critics. but you go now. Don't those plays you see all the time . Doctor! You get out of here! Look. -What's that? Wait. But. I'll take care of him. please. look. Heidelberg. You have a nice little wife waiting for you.. Please. . 1919. little fellow. Horrible things.Are you really a doctor? Yes... Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. -My schnapps.he's a madman. You've just been married. Please listen to me. Please. Stop it. -I could use that.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Doc-. Mr. Please go now. Brewster. You take care of yourself. He's a maniac! And then things happen.
There's a play that's so bad. When you get out of prison. There's a man. He's even been warned to get out. . Isn't that great? So there he is.. And does he go? No. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. Now listen to this. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. Witherspoon. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. he doesn't. At least people in plays act like they got sense.. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. The murderer even invites him to sit down..teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. it'll still be running when you get out.
Yes. All he has to do is look around. for me. I've been away for 20 years. But never. were you out of my mind. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. Doctor. Now get a load of this. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. This fellow's supposed to be bright. but does he? No! See. the quick way. you may consider that a blessing. Later on.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. brother Heidelberg. Please. Now.. my dear brother. In Melbourne one night. ... He wasn't very bright. in a play or even in a movie.. I dreamt of you. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. . Look at the attitude. Johnny. Mortimer. .a fellow never sees or hears anything.. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.... That's right.we go to work.
Please! All right. We both have a drink before we operate. Pull yourself together. dead brother. That's all. I'll split it with you. -Please. there was some wine. But I cannot see this without the drink. And then they took it.-This must be an artistic achievement. Where did they put it? I found some wine. To my dear. Mortimer. Where are your manners? Yes. Let's get it over with. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Here. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. You remember when we came in. That idiot! -He goes next. please. After all. We drink to you. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . One moment.
the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. Like a flash. They practically stole that from my play. In the second act.. We're taking the bugle away from him.. I'll help you. out of a clear sky. . The quick way. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play.. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. The quick way.-We'll get to him later. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. sure. I'd better talk to him myself. . You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up.. then the quick way. -What happened to him? -Nothing. It's all right. yes! If it has to be. Yeah. I see.
a fire breaks out. My mother doesn't say they're married.He says. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. in the meantime. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. It's an evolving stage.. . It's getting you. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. "Miss Peaches La Tour.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. there's me. -It's probably over his head. Growing into a magnificent specimen... casual-like. You ain't heard nothing yet. please. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. The scene changes... All of a sudden. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. I'm walking along my beat. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. . -What? -I personally like it very much. I'm in great danger.. Well. see? Little do I know it.
I figures I'll outsmart him. boys. So he came back. this is Mortimer Brewster..braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. Brophy. Get me Mac. Now. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. we came to warn the old ladies. -Johnny. My play put him to sleep. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. That's the one that ran away. . Right in the middle of the second act. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.. -I heard him. -There's a vacant house on the corner. -He's going to help me write my play.when a guy that I'm following. Did they send you here? No. Brewster's brother. He says we've got to put him away someplace. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. ... who the heck is this? Mr. The neighbors are phoning in. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. The Lieutenant's on the warpath... so I pulls out my gun..
we'll hold him right here. Mr. Brewster. 13. don't you? Well. -Wait a minute. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. So I've been turned in? All right. The Lieutenant is on his way over. Your aunts are friends of ours. Be careful what you say. Mr.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. I better let them know that I found you. Brewster. charming old ladies. Thirteen bodies. We found him. It wasn't that bad. you've got me. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. At the Brewster house. -Come down to the cellar. Shall we bring him in? All right. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. You think my aunts are sweet. -I'll show them to you. Yes. . was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. Leave him to me.
I'll show you where they're buried. I got him. look out! Amazing. Such a fine day. Don't! Sarge! Look out. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. too. please. -Go to the cellar with him. Look out! Fight. -Yes. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. That's enough. Well. . that's enough. Go on and fight. Don't bother me now. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. You could use this in the third act. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. look. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Amazing. Pat. Pat. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Everybody off. I got something better. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. come to the cellar. -Go on down the cellar with him. He looks like Boris Karloff.
Boris. That's fine. Telephone. . Get him. dear. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. Isn't that amazing? Oh. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. -Come in.The papers are all signed. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Pat.. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Thank you very much. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Don't do that. brother.. -Witherspoon.. fight. What do I care? Go ahead. That won't have any effect. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Turn him over. please. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. I've tried it before-It did. Wish I could relax like that. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense.
. he's wanted. pal. . .you can at least read short detective stories.. You're suspended. . He's a lifer.. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. You're going to have a long time on that play." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. About my not ringing in. too. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. Report in... I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. The guy who helped him escape.. That's my brother. Now go on. That's the way they described him. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. He says 13 bodies are there.. He's wanted. Certainly.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. "He looked like Karloff.
No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. Howdy. No sleep. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. -Questioning of spies is my department. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. you. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. We caught him at the White House. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. With flatheads like you on the force.Here. Get this gu y out of here. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. Nothing to eat. Colonel. keep out of that. Colonel. But I'm not myself today. -Hey. Take him out and bring him to. Colonel. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. I want to question him. you've blown your last bugle. . But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. No. This is a spy.
He's got to be put away. Any offers? I'm Mr. Last year there was a crazy guy. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. No arguments. take it easy. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. no argument. I have come to get a Brewster. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. -I'm waiting for Mr. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Look. . I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. I know just how you feel. Witherspoon. I'm liable to think anything. Captain. There's people dumb enough to believe that. -As long as he's going someplace. Read this. Just a minute. started a murder rumor. No arguments. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good.You're his brother.
You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. I'm so glad to see you. He's ready to talk. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -That's fine. it's chicanery. This is fun. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Let me explain. -Hold him till I get there.Mr. Now. all I got to get is Witherspoon. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Witherspoon is here. . Brewster? Mr. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Never mind! Give me that pen. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. That's all right! Do that again for me.
I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. You know. it's a play.. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. You do? It must be a nice place. You never can tell.And no wagon when he leaves. you know-Captain. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. It means a great deal to me. Something I've been working on. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. -That's good. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. .. Taxicabs. I've never been there. I sometimes envy some of our patients. never. I have one waiting now. -The woods are full of them. this is Mr. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. secretly.. Why? To take him away? Never. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Witherspoon. We always. I shan't mind. I want you to be just as harsh as you like.
Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. I have good news for you. all signed. Happy man. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Now you can take him away. Aunt Martha. Aunt Abby. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. your guide to Africa. I'll bring down my equipment. this isn't Mr. my boy. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. -What is this? No. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Witherspoon. -Is this March 4? -Practically.-Come. President.. Goodbye. President? Taft! No. Mr.. I must get started immediately. you got it wrong. This is Captain Rooney.. I'm on my way to Africa. Taft. It's Mr. Your term of office is over. Let's see.
he's come to take him. you'll have to take us with him. You've come to meet Teddy. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Why not? Why not. jealousy. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Too dangerous. we're going. let's be sensible. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. too! -Yes. haven't you? No. You could arrange that. I've got it. -If he's going. -We won't be separated from Teddy. ladies. No. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. Oh. How can you allow this? You promised. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Now. indeed? It's sweet of them. . dear. Dissension. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. but impossible.It's all right. We promise to take his bugle away from him. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. he can't go now! We won't permit it. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. -I'm sorry.
You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. you wouldn't have to dig.. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. .. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. -I'll look in that cellar. The graves are all marked. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. What? Yes. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. -How about it? -I'll be right there. -I'll tell you what we'll do. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. . You just ask our nephew.. No. He's been a little strange all day.and we'll get them all together. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar.. Mortimer. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.It ain't only his bugle blowing. Things are going to get worse.
Teddy committed himself. Spenalzo.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. It's amazing. we'll sign the papers.. Where are they? . Hasn't got it yet. Smile. I put neon lights on mine. -He got married today. "There is a Happy Dale far. .-We put flowers on them every Sunday. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. -You mustn't mind him at all. None of mine are gentlemen.. humor them. There's one down there. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. -Flowers? Sure. a Mr.. Humor them. If we can go with Teddy. -Certainly.. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.
Einstein almost operated on me earlier. please. -A doctor? -Yes. Dr. -Good night. please. Just sign right here. Doctor? -Yes. Doctor. Einstein. Sign them up. Dr. I'm really looking forward to going. . I'm so sorry. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Come along. please. right here. I'm going out to talk to that spy. will you? I want this all cleaned up. if you'll sign right here. -Here? -Yes.I have them. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. A doctor. Now. Doctor. dear. here. Ladies. please. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. -Were you leaving. Yes. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. ladies. We've overlooked something. The neighborhood here has changed so. It's on the right-hand side there. Oh. Maybe I can understand him. Dr. -Come here.
Read it to me. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. His accomplice's description is on the circular. You've done Brooklyn a great service. . Hello. It's your turn. Mac. Witherport. Einstein! -Now. But Dr. I'm Brewster. yes. Mr. Five-foot-three. Pop eyes. Talks with a German accent. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Don't mind me. -Don't play games--You sign. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. on the desk. You sign as next of kin. Thanks. Mac. The doctor has completed the signatures. It's all right. One hundred and forty pounds. It's contagious. That's great! Thanks. Okay. Mr. Doc. Poses as a doctor. will you? About 40.
dear? -You're not really a Brewster. -Well. Well. -What. We don't want anything to go wrong. darling? -Martha. Mortimer. -It's yours. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. darling. darling. of course. Duffel? Pack his duffel. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. you tell him. -Mine? You see. Come up and pack my duffel. dear. President. -Me too. Now. Einstein--But it's not his signature. dear. you signed as next of kin. -What's wrong about that. We're very happy about the whole thing. you know? And bring along my bugle.-Spoon. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -Here. And you were born . but that's just it. don't be worried. He's President.
Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye.. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. too.we didn't want to lose her. It's true. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. They're off to a flying start.about three months afterwards. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon.. Quiet! -But.. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.. So brother married her. -Goodbye. Your real father was a cook. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. I really did see-- . .
love. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Mortimer. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Mr. But. dear. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . We're going to Niagara Falls. Yes. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Call me a cab. its operators.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. I'm a son of a sea cook.
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