Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

That's their way of digging up people to do good to.. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. Brophy. .... dear. watch your language....but no man with this published attitude..... Don't you call them "the girls. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed.. You'd be surprised ... .." either.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. .. . I must be catching cold.. He used to come to see us only occasionally.Their old man left them fixed for life. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. You know I'm not a swearing man.. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room.should take any man's daughter anyplace. He's so very much in love with her. Bless you. Remember now. No. at any time...because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. Reverend Harper. Sister Martha and I are so happy. .they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. and now.

what they'd consider swearing. no. dear. This is Officer O'Hara. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Teddy. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. -Come right in. by the library door. Harper from the church next door? Hello. -How do you do. Mr. No. This is Officer O'Hara. -Miss Abby. I'll go. gentlemen. He's taking over my beat. That's splendid work you men do. Gentlemen. Will you excuse me? No. Brophy. what news have you brought me? Colonel. They're all packed. the new man on the beat. At ease. Splendid! Thank you. Thank you. we have nothing to report. we came for the toys. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. absolutely nothing to report. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. You know the Reverend Dr. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. The toys are on the chair up here. How do you do. You get tired of playing cards. sir? It's nice to meet you. Brophy? . Teddy.

They're afraid of him. That's right. Look... .. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute... -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. Reverend.. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. thank you. But a little weak. Teddy. Isn't it a shame. He's an interesting character. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. Sarge. You've done so much already. still... Father. Please don't bother. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her.She's better.and the neighbors raised Cain... I'll make a note. Now don't do that again.. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Gentlemen. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. Isn't it a shame. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. I promised I wouldn't swear. .

How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. and thank you very much. Here's the broth for Mrs. how do you do? Miss Martha. -Not at all. Dismissed! . Brophy. -Now. He's taking over my duties. Colonel. put it back. So long.Well. It'll make a lot of kids happy. this is grand. now. -Don't mention it. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Teddy. You bet I will. you're back. No. Yes. Thank you. Miss Brewster. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Martha. -Reverend. Colonel. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. dear. Be sure it's good and hot. -The children will go crazy. -These are lovely. it goes to Australia. Officer O'Hara. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. Hey. -Thank you. The Army and Navy are ready for action... Sarge..

-Good night. we thought if he'd be George Washington. .. -Careful of the step with the toys. Do you remember. let that be a lesson to you... and we suggested it.. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.. Young man. . you're happy. and what's more important. -Don't mention it. Well. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy.-Goodbye and thank you. Yes. That is quite a problem. Martha? Once. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. indeed.. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. if he's happy. a long time ago.. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh... Goodbye. -Well. I must be going.it might be a change for him.

I'm sure we needn't worry about him. and Reverend Harper was coming. sweet Reverend Harper. .. dear.. -But all by yourself. There wasn't time. -I got along fine. So.. I just couldn't wait for you. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. -I'll run right downstairs and see. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. why? Good news for you. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. dear. And I was all alone. -No. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. I didn't know when you'd be back. Martha. too. Did you just have tea? Yes. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. And dinner's going to be late. You know. Dear.

Wait a minute.. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Just throw it. I don't like that look in your eyes. There they are. Mortimer.. -But. -This old cab has seen osculation but.Well? Just look in the windowseat. -You ain't seen anything yet. Hold on to that. darlings. But. -But that was only Sunday.. -You've got to drive us to the station. Here's your hat. If you find her hairpins. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. right out here with everyone looking. buddy. keep them. Mortimer. And her brooch. -Take her hat. you're going to love me . -It's Elaine! -Hello. Please! For heaven's sake! But. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.

darling.. I don't have to. You'll see it often. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.. No.. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. Look. I started packing the day after I met you. Mortimer! " You better get used to it.. Go on. You know what we're doing? Wasting time.for my mind. . Yes. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. He's a dear.. It goes just before this. There's that look again! "There's that look again. .. There. too? One thing at a time. don't tell your father. the bridal suite in the hotel. I can handle Father.. you see! You see? That's what I mean. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. You should've seen my secretary's face. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. That's what I hate about women. We've a room on the train. hurry and pack.

Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Brewster? Good. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. hurry. Oh. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. Grand Central Station. Did you send those roses to Mrs. If you see a tall. Hurry. -Whistle when you're ready. Isn't it too. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. here. What? Now? No. it's me. darling. dark streak of light. And throw in a flock . We're married. -It'll be a few minutes. Hold on to your bustles. -Father may want to pray over me.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. you two old frauds. Elaine and I are married. When you whistle. open the front door fast.

I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. Of course. But before you go. -You won't have time to bake a cake. I'm going to burn all my books. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. Did everybody know I was getting married. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. -And. Oh. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. Well. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. of course.of orange blossoms. You know how your books upset him. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. we can have our celebration. A taxi's waiting. We're going to Niagara Falls. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. dear. . It's all ready. I'll run along and get everything ready. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. a wedding cake. too.

Really? A honey of a lunatic. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Mr. Just bully. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. had a character in it. I'm off to Panama. dear. Mortimer! -How are you. Oh. "Oh. Goodbye. Yes.Now you behave. dear! . He'd scare grownups with it. President. thank you. My. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. reminded me of Jonathan. what a face! I remember now. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Mr. you know. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Hello. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. President? -Bully. A new lock for the canal. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. goodbye. I saw a play. I know.

-Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. Now. Teddy's killed a man. what a play. but I've got an awful shock for you. the first thing you see is a dead body. That's after we're gone. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. When the curtain goes up. darling! Never mind that now. listen. you can't get his mind on anything else. When Teddy's working on the canal. -There's no such hurry as that. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Well. -You know? -Of course. We know. Yes. darlings. Get him up here now. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. I'm frightfully sorry. At once! -He's in the cellar.Yeah. The next thing-Hey. darlings. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Yes. look. dear. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. . dear. mister.

You mean you.. Mortimer. That's really all I know about him. No. Aunt Martha. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. dear.. don't be so inquisitive. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. Who is he? He's a Mr. Hoskins. He died first.... When it's in tea. men just don't get into windowseats and die. You put it in the wine? . How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. it has a distinct odor. Wait! Stop all this. Now look. You just forget about it. how did he die? Mortimer. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. except that he's a Methodist. Adam Hoskins.. What the.Now. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek.

Mortimer. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? .Yes.. tomorrow or next day. We must do that. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. you know all about it and just forget about it. Abby. Now. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. It's first-degree. Hoskins in the windowseat. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. darling.. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Schultz. . The dears.. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Yes. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Look at me. but this time we'll go where we want to go. She's much better. That wouldn't have been very nice.because Reverend Harper was coming. not at tea. And I put Mr.

-Stop worrying about it. Mortimer. dear. Look. We told you to forget the whole thing. I want to know what we're going to do. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. you behave.Yes. Whatever his name is. it is. That's what we did with the others. I know what his name is. you can't leave him in there. -We can't turn you over to the police. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. We don't intend to. You can't.. Mr. Teddy's down in the cellar now. here. dear. don't be so impatient. . Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. You're going to bury Mr. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now.. Now. Hoskins.. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Aunt Martha. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. -But Mr. They have so much fun. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. dear. digging the lock. dear. Mortimer.

This one is only 1 1 . dear. dear. Abby? No. Hello. dear.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.. When you say "others.-Others? -The other gentlemen. Abby. . Abby. and that makes it 12. keep your shirt on! Elaine. It does? Well.. Abby." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. But. For heaven's sake. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. dear. I think you're wrong. because I remember when Mr. Makes it 12.. I really don't think you should count the first one. isn't it. I was counting the first one. This makes 12. I get them mixed up sometimes. This is 1 1. Abby usually is. Let me see now. I didn't mean-- . what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Hoskins first came in.. No. she's probably right. dear.

.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. dear. then and there. Abby thinks we should count the first one. who was the first one? Mr.. Remember. He was a Baptist. let's see... So...looking so peaceful. You mean.. And then. when his heart attack came..... . old men. ... We felt so sorry for him.. Tell me. All his kith and kin were dead.. Martha? We made up our minds. you poor. He was such a lonely.and he sat there dead in that chair... . Twelve! Yes. we all took him down to Panama.. Just sit down. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.. old gentleman.and he thought Mr.we would..Now. Never mind about that.. Teddy came up from digging in Panama...to find that same peace.. Why. Where were we? Twelve. .. . ... you see.that if we could help other lonely. Midgely.

dear. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.. .. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. As a matter of fact. There....then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. No. darling. dear.... -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. Well. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . And then. Wait a minute! Come here... for a gallon of elderberry wine... so. ..because we know exactly what's to be done. -Mortimer.. Should have quite a kick.. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.... . . just a pinch of cyanide.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. Of course not! Well.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial....

Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number..He did? Well. Teddy! Of course. wasn't that nice of him? Abby.. digging locks. Winchell? No. He's wonderful. Who can I call up? Dewey. Winchell's no good. I couldn't eat a thing. Don't worry about the cake. Singing away. Happy as a lark. We must get that cake frosted. Let me see. La Guardia. a sip of. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim... Let me see.. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . darling. That'd be nice.. What am I doing with tickets? Information. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Everybody knows he's crazy. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page.

What'd you do. Yeah. Something's happened. -How do I look? -You look fine. What's wrong? Look at your hair. Brooklyn. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. please. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. yes. I'll call you up tomorrow. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. I heard you whistle. . dark streak of light. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. -Run on home. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling.on North Shore Road. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. you! Thought you were tall.

You smell so nice. I'll tell you why I called you. It's about Teddy. Elaine...If I could only tell you. But it's a matter of life and. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. we were married today. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. I've got to come over and see you right away. about Teddy. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry.. The police want to throw him into a state institution. -Go to bed. Judge. he's-It's his bugle blowing. You better go home! -But. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. A thing happened. It won't wait until tomorrow. It's very. . Judge. Judge. very important. darling. We've got to do something immediately.

I understand you've got a room to rent. Don't like it. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Doorbell's ringing. How do you do? Come in. And this is my sister. -All alone in the world? . -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. we can get him to Happy Dale. this would be a nice comfortable chair. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. -My name's Gibbs. I'm sorry. do sit down. dear.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. I'm Miss Brewster. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. we're just setting the table for dinner. Now. Do step in. Another Miss Brewster. Operator? Give me long distance. please. New York. -Well. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. It's a wonderful place. Happy Dale.

It's elderberry wine. Happy Dale. -Thank you. I can see the headlines now. you've come to just the right house. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. . The room's upstairs.-Well. Well. Please. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. we make this ourselves. "D" Iike in "dig. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it... -Do sit down. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. That's right." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. I don't think I'll like it. -No. Well. but the cemetery's full of them." when you dig a lock. I'd like to see the room. -Dale. Well. skoal. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Martha..

murdered. I'm not drunk..Hello. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. I'm nervous.. People wouldn't understand.. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. madam.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. .but it's not only against the law. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. but you've given me an idea! Darling.. it's wrong. Oh... Not that. Don't do that. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. What I mean is. He wouldn't understand.

That's amazing.-. Oh. we want to commit him there immediately. Oh.and it would lead to trouble. Brewster. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Bonaparte. Thank you. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Witherspoon. Witherspoon. Well.. if he thought that-Mr. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. if your mind is made up. Thank you. Well. Mr. How do you do. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them..What? All right. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Mr. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Yes. dear. Mr. Well. thanks. Of course. . Mr. please. do you-I'm fine. dear. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well.. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. operator. now. That's too bad.. Witherspoon speaking. Witherspoon. I see. And if-Oh. .

I can't concentrate. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. you'll do that little thing for me. Mortimer. dear. Well. we'd have to know what it was first... -But. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. Anyway.. darling. Whosit where he is. I mean. . I can't talk to you.Another Roosevelt. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. don't you? Yes. Get off that thing. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. I'll sing with you... -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Oh. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. dear. like good girls. I love you both very much. but I want you to promise me something. I want you to do one thing for me.. Now listen. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. What on earth could happen to us? Well. darling. You know I'd do anything for you.

Shame! Such a nice hat. I'm so happy for Elaine. I can go faster that way. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. anything. You promise? Good. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. The poor dears. that's right. What? Stop that. cab! Here you are. What is it? Mr. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. -Don't open it. well. Oh. Why? He's just been married. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today.I'll dance with you. I'll sit with you! Yeah. . Yes. You know. Remember. Sure. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr.

Yes. we'll need another hymnal. As a boy. The family must still live here. This is the home of my youth. -Are you sure? -Yes. Johnny. It's two men. Look. it's a good hideout. doctor. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. they're strangers to me. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Johnny. . dear. A fatted calf?. and I've never seen them before. -Do you recognize them? -No. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. -You look. There's one up in my room.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. Come in. Johnny. I'll go. As if we were expected. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. -Let me look. Drink. I'm so hungry.

.. He's a plastic surgeon... Why. so don't pretend you are.. still the high collar. . you're not. Dr... Einstein is responsible for that. Have you been in an accident? My face. Your nephew. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. You just get out of here. . .A good omen.. No. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. And you. But I've seen that face before. his voice is like Jonathan's.. You're nothing like Jonathan. Jonathan.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. Aunt Martha. It's Jonathan.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. you know. Aunt Martha.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

Quick. -Down here.. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal.You remember that. We expect to be very busy... six feet long. Rather a good joke on my aunts. I don't have to go into details. Spenalzo along. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. How do we get him in here? Yes. Spenalzo.. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. Bed. And it just fits Mr. I could be disagreeable. . He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight...Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. as a boy. I forgot to tell you. we'll bring him in through the window. Four feet wide. . Spenalzo in through the door. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. That's hospitality. See the hole he's digging. Come here. we can't just walk Mr.

the poor dear. General Goethals was very pleased. And he's been so patient. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. Hoskins downstairs right away. there's been another yellow-fever victim. That might be against the law. You'd better get to bed. Teddy. I think Teddy had better take Mr. we must keep it a secret. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. Promise? You have the word of the President . The car is all right where it is until morning. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. No. He said the canal was just the right size. I don't want to leave it in the street. a state secret.We're moving the car behind the house. Hoskins? Mr. What are we going to do about Mr. A state secret? Yes.

let's see. But you must be very tired. Now.. You two run along to bed.. Cross my heart and hope to die. We're bringing the luggage through here.... And we'll come down later and hold services. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. We've never had yellow fever there before. -And we don't go to bed this early. . You know. Now get along. you were out.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. And then. ... he's really very nice looking.of the United States. You can go right up.when I turn out the lights. when everything's dark here.. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. It seems to be spreading. You just come right along and see him now. . Both of you. considering that he's a Methodist. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. Your room is waiting for you. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. I've never even seen Mr.

I'll take a look around outside the house. I'll come back later. and I'll stay here and pull. Aunt Abby. You go round and hand him through. -All right. .-It's time I came home to take care of you. We must be quick. Aunt Martha. And then together we take him down to Panama. I'll open the window. Run along. Doctor. we'll all go to bed. Johnny. you open the window. It's dark in here. Aunt Abby. All right. Take the bags upstairs. You go outside and push. But he's too heavy for me. For the instruments. Good night. Now! Turn out the lights. Where am l? Here I am. Yeah. Now. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. He's all right. -I'll be right up. Just off the laboratory. When I tap on the glass.

somebody's at the door. He's so heavy. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. quick. I mean. Now I have him. Now I've got him! Johnny. You lost a leg somewhere. wait a minute. Now I have him. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Help me. He's so heavy. I'm a brand-new Brewster. I live next door. Help me.Who left this open? Okay. wait a minute. it's Brewster. Doctor! . Mortimer. -But his shoe came off. Allez. I'm not very used to it. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go open. up! Now. Go. Hand him over. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. -Be careful. Now I got him.

-I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. Einstein? Dr. -You're Jonathan. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. I've never seen you before." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. Now that I know who you are. "That explains everything. -You've heard of me? -Yes. And something of a magician. We happen to live here. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. It's okay.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. You don't live here. .. that's all.It's all right. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.. May I present Dr. . Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.. they talk about you.. I'm in this house every day. That explains everything.

I came to see Mortimer. Go back to your room. I'll run--You've given two names. It's going to be a private funeral. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. But if he's not home. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. . -What else did you see? -Just that. a sneak thief. that's all! I see. Is that why you came over here? No.I suppose it was you. Alice. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Charge! Doctor. No! Don't be a tomboy. No visitors. the cellar.

it talks! Yes. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you.. darling. "I've come back home.. I talk. Mortimer.-We'll call the police. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr.. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother." Listen. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. -I'll handle this.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Mortimer. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.. -Mortimer. -What? I've come back home. he--Wait a minute.. Einstein. Mortimer. . Do you hear me? Don't answer that. Mortimer... . Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Go back to your room. Jonathan! -I've come back home.

Yeah.. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. I'm staying here from now on. We invited Jonathan and Dr. Einstein to stay. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. No. Now look. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Nothing to. We don't take up much room. just a moment. Now.. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. I'm staying here tonight. I remember. Here's $10. -What? -Just for tonight. -In fact. . be a good fellow.. Please. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat.

Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. I'll take care of you. Wait! Who's this Mr. Johnny. Spenalzo. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Don't bring anyone else in here. . Mortimer. darling? -I almost got killed. I'll tell you about him. Now.Mortimer. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Spenalzo. that. you know what I do to people who order me around. Mr. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Elaine. While we are packing. in just a little while. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Doctor. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. What? What's going to happen to Mr. -Oh. beat it! It's all right. I've completely lost track of Mr.

Witherspoon.. He's some kind of a maniac. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. I'm here now. -But--Please.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.. I'm afraid of him. -What? Go on home like a good girl. . Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. look. We were married today. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. a taxi's waiting. don't worry about it. Yes... Brewster. . . Well...your brother tries to strangle me. Well. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. I don't understand you. -You'd better run along home. please. I can't hear the man. I got things to do. Darling.. Mr. we were going over Niagara Falls.-It was worse than that.. Forget it.

... Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. Doctor. darling. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. I'll get both signatures. come right away.put them in a barrel. Let me think about this thing. signature. wedding ring.I've got the papers all drawn up. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. By the way. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. Teddy. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. windowseat. well. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. Yeah. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. darling... . I know it's late. .. of course? By the doctor? Oh. taxi. Thank you..

Mr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. I did. where is Mr. . Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. It is not Mr. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Hoskins! -By the way. you come in here now! Yes. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. You admitted you put Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Hoskins in the windowseat. he's mistaken. Yes. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. dear. Hoskins.No. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama.

We've always wanted to hold a double funeral.. handsome.. what with Jonathan in the house. And I've also decided that you're leaving. I did. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. you come straight along here.He's down there waiting for the services. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. Don't. . Are you getting out. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Listen. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. dear.. I've decided that we're staying. poor dear. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Martha. We haven't had a minute. Oh. Mortimer. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. No. and I mean now. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger.

too. You can't ask for more than that. -Yes.Aunt Abby. I'll have to call the police.. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. -And this is another nephew. And he's taking Dr. -No! Come in. Remember. Spenalzo can happen to you. I owe you an apology. Mortimer. You're my brother. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Jonathan. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Come right in. I've got some very good news for you. . Well? All right. Listen. This is our nephew. darling. Put down that telephone. what happened to Mr. in that case.. you're a Brewster. -Pleased to meet you. do come in. Jonathan is leaving. -Glad to see you. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. -Pleased to make your acquaintance.. Officer. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Don't reach for the telephone.

And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Mr. This is your last chance. I'm working on a play now. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. Officer O'Hara. . I can spell like the dickens. but I can't spell them. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. I got to ring in. You can tell me all about it. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Spenalzo. If you don't leave here. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. Dr. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. You are? Well. Einstein and Spenalzo. All three of you: you.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster.Your face is familiar. well. -I'll be running along.

let's go. We've got a wonderful setup here. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Just give me one moment. Please! Doctor.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Johnny. Okay. O'Hara. please. we're coming back here. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Please. take it easy. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Two old ladies as a front. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . you lose your head. We're not going. We're sleeping right here in this house. Johnny. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. No. After that. Right with you. We can make a fortune. Now get going! All three of you. Come. I never did like Mortimer. Look. no.

-I like the first act. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. -Legitimate? Of course. we got an ace in the hole. All right. She was my mother.. -My mother was an actress.in the cellar. Well. You stay out of this. rehash it. We're not going. I worked on it for 12 years. If you tell O'Hara . -Swell. -Excuse me. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. Move fast. -I don't know. Well. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it.. Mortimer. Yes. you asked for it. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. I'll be back in a minute.. -You're not going? -No. It's no fly-by-night idea.

I assure you. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. Bohemian atmosphere. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place... There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. Genius at work. I'll meet you there later. .what's in the windowseat. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. Lowbrows. This opening will kill you. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . You'd better ring in...l'll tell him what's in the cellar.

. You're smug. will you? This is a great play. I think we can start the services now. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Jonathan.Look. dear aunties. Martha. Where are those papers? There they are. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. -I'll see you down there. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. -Can't wait! Doctor. And speaking of services. you ring in and I'll see you later.... Well. Perish the thought. You haven't. I don't care who knows about Hoskins.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. When I come back.. doctor. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo... We thought we heard you leave. The moment the doctor signs. I expect to find you gone. Yes. You've got to take him with you! . You won't stand me up. .. Did he look guilty! Well.. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. That was just Mortimer. Where do you.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo.

-Your gentlemen? Yes. It's one of our charities. Mr. there's no room for Mr. They're both dead. -He's one of our gentlemen. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins is no stranger. Twelve graves. Spenalzo. -But Mr. You mean. Why. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Doctor. He must mean Mr. Besides. And he's no friend of Mortimer's.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. . what we've been doing is a mercy. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Hoskins. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. The cellar's crowded already. Hoskins--Mr.

-Thirteen... There's Mr. That makes 13. Spenalzo out of here. Spenalzo.So you just take your Mr. they got 12. one in Sydney. -No. Two in Johannesburg. Then the first one in London.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. and they do just as good as you do. You've done all that. one in Phoenix. . . I've got 13. Johnny. Don't brag. 12.... You cannot count the one in South Bend. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. He died of pneumonia.two in San Francisco. . You cannot count him. Arizona.. Phoenix? -The filling station.. You got 12. they got 12. one in Melbourne....and they stay right here in Brooklyn.. What? You got 12. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend... -Filling.. .

. If you'd talk with him.. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. Dr. -You better wait. This is most irregular. All I need is one more....The old ladies is just as good as you are. are they? Well. . -Who? What? Did I say.. seeing a doctor. -You wait here. Pull up a tombstone. That's all. Just one more. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. but only you can help me. that's easily taken care of.l'm sure you'd be convinced. I'll be right back. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. Make yourself comfortable. but I can't commit a man just on that. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. . I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. They are. Gilchrist. I know Teddy blows bugles..

50! Oh. is it not? Yes.50. darling. Well now. that's that. Welcome to Washington. President. It wouldn't fit me. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes.-Hey. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. $22. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. so good. . Certainly. thanks. the meter! "Looks good on me. -Mr. No. with a Maxim silencer. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. Five more bucks and you'll own it. It gives me a chance to rest.50! -What? $22. -Do you? -Yes. looks good on you! Not the suit. yes." $22. indeed. may I present--Dr. So far. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Not so good. of course I love you.

that doesn't mean-No.. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. Just because Teddy's strange. that's ancient history. I probably should have told you this before. but it's only a matter of time. It practically gallops. I don't quite know. but I won't be elected.well... but you see. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. darling. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I love you so much.. I can't go through with our marriage. -That's what you think. -What are you talking about? -Well. -Of course.. It's way back before Teddy... Doctor. . Darling. I'll run for a third term. . Darling. insanity runs in my family. if the country insists. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.

No. go to bed! . Anytime you're in Washington. Goodbye. So you're crazy. Aunt Abby. aren't they? They're the sweetest. There's no use doing what you're doing. no. Well.. even they have their peculiarities. -Go away.. but kiss me. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. Look at your aunts. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. -Those papers. sanest people I've ever known. That's the way I love you.Darling. I. I'm crazy too.. drop in to see me at the White House. Thank you. What of it? So your family's crazy. all this doesn't prove a thing. you better stop it. It'll just have to be undone. Just go on signing the papers. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. They're Brewsters. Ambassador.

The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. -Oh. You know. Martha and I are going for the police. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Spenalzo in together. You're forgetting. . Nice and smooth like a lake. Doctor... let him. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours.. Hoskins and Mr. I'll get them out. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. Bed feels good already. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. . If Jonathan and Mr.we're going for the police.. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. All right. This is all fixed up nice now.

will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. You are going to operate tomorrow. But the quick way. I think this calls for something special. Johnny. No. Or the next day. I think. I just heard him upstairs. can't you? Yeah. My brother. No! I am tired. go to bed. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Doctor. Mortimer. no police! No police! Look. You forget. Look at me. Doctor. Okay. Okay. But Johnny. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Doctor. We'll do it tomorrow. perhaps. You can see that it's got to be done. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over.-Remember. we'll do it. the Melbourne method. not tonight! I'm sleepy. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. I know that look. what? . Not the Melbourne method. huh? The quick twist like in London.

President. Mr. mice? -You get out of this house. President. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Mr. Boy. What is it. President. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Get out. will you. This must be secret. President. Hey. You already have them on. Don't do that. Oh. I can't hear you. Wait here. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Johnny's in a bad mood. Mr. I see! Very clever. So I have. . A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. I can't hear you. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. -Please listen to me.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. A secret proclamation? How unusual. What a load off my mind. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Mr. Mr. please? -What? Speak up. Yes. Brewster. -Of course.

look. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. please. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Mr. Get going. Don't those plays you see all the time . Please go now. You've just been married. You take care of yourself.. little fellow.. -My schnapps. but you go now. 1919. But. Stop it. -That's mine. I'll take care of him. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Please. -What's that? Wait. Please listen to me. You beat it before things start popping around here. . Brewster. Please.. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. -I could use that. when Johnny's in that mood.. Doc-. Horrible things.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look.he's a madman. Heidelberg. Only for dramatic critics. He's a maniac! And then things happen.Are you really a doctor? Yes.

There's a man. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. . When you get out of prison. At least people in plays act like they got sense. And does he go? No. it'll still be running when you get out.. He's even been warned to get out. The murderer even invites him to sit down.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. There's a play that's so bad. Witherspoon. Now listen to this. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it.. Isn't that great? So there he is. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. he doesn't.

The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. the quick way. were you out of my mind.. The big dope! You were right about that fellow.. in a play or even in a movie. Please. Now get a load of this. brother Heidelberg. All he has to do is look around. But what does he do? The big chump sits there... Mortimer. Doctor. . I dreamt of you. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. But never. for me. In Melbourne one night. Later on. but does he? No! See. I've been away for 20 years. Johnny. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. That's right. Yes..we go to work.. Now.. Look at the attitude.. you may consider that a blessing.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. my dear brother.a fellow never sees or hears anything. . . He wasn't very bright. This fellow's supposed to be bright.

Mortimer. Where are your manners? Yes. I'll split it with you. We both have a drink before we operate. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. Let's get it over with. That's all. Where did they put it? I found some wine. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. We drink to you. After all. You remember when we came in. -Please. To my dear. That idiot! -He goes next.-This must be an artistic achievement. One moment. Here. Please! All right. And then they took it. But I cannot see this without the drink. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . please. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. dead brother. there was some wine. Pull yourself together. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn.

Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. It's all right. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. Yeah. . -You won't at all! We have to work fast. I'd better talk to him myself. I see. In the second act. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up.. They practically stole that from my play. sure. The quick way. I'll help you. yes! If it has to be.-We'll get to him later. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. out of a clear sky. The quick way. -What happened to him? -Nothing..the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. . Like a flash. then the quick way. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. We're taking the bugle away from him..

So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.. You ain't heard nothing yet. All of a sudden. -It's probably over his head.. in the meantime. I'm walking along my beat. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. -What? -I personally like it very much. The scene changes.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. It's an evolving stage. Growing into a magnificent specimen. "Miss Peaches La Tour. ...He says. please. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. a fire breaks out.. I'm in great danger. My mother doesn't say they're married. see? Little do I know it. casual-like. there's me.. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. Well. . It's getting you.

-The colonel blew that bugle again. -He's going to help me write my play.. The neighbors are phoning in.when a guy that I'm following. boys. this is Mortimer Brewster. Right in the middle of the second act. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. so I pulls out my gun. My play put him to sleep. Brewster's brother.. -I heard him. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. who the heck is this? Mr. we came to warn the old ladies. -Johnny. . the cops! I sees the door handle turn. . Did they send you here? No.. Brophy. Now. That's the one that ran away... -There's a vacant house on the corner..braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. Get me Mac. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. So he came back. I figures I'll outsmart him. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. He says we've got to put him away someplace. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge..

I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. 13. It wasn't that bad. Brewster. -Wait a minute. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. -Come down to the cellar. you've got me. . charming old ladies. Yes. Be careful what you say. At the Brewster house. Your aunts are friends of ours. Mr.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. We found him. Brewster. Mr. I better let them know that I found you. So I've been turned in? All right. The Lieutenant is on his way over. don't you? Well. we'll hold him right here. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. Thirteen bodies. Shall we bring him in? All right. -I'll show them to you. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. You think my aunts are sweet. Leave him to me.

-Yes. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. please. Don't! Sarge! Look out. too. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Everybody off. That's enough.I'll show you where they're buried. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. -Go on down the cellar with him. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. I got something better. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Well. Amazing. Pat. . come to the cellar. He looks like Boris Karloff. Go on and fight. look out! Amazing. Such a fine day. look. Look out! Fight. Don't bother me now. that's enough. I got him. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. You could use this in the third act. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Pat. -Go to the cellar with him.

-What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Boris. Turn him over. Don't do that. Thank you very much. dear. That's fine. I've tried it before-It did. brother. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. What do I care? Go ahead. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left.. Isn't that amazing? Oh. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. . Wish I could relax like that. fight. Get him. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. -Come in. Telephone. Pat. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops.. That won't have any effect. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -Witherspoon.The papers are all signed. please..

You're suspended. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. too. The guy who helped him escape. That's the way they described him." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar.. Certainly. He's wanted..You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. . pal.. . he's wanted. "He looked like Karloff.you can at least read short detective stories.. About my not ringing in. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane.. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. That's my brother. He says 13 bodies are there.. .. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. You're going to have a long time on that play. Now go on. He's a lifer. Report in..

You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. . I want to question him. I'm Mortimer Brewster. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Colonel. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. But I'm not myself today.Here. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. This is a spy. With flatheads like you on the force. We caught him at the White House. you've blown your last bugle. keep out of that. Nothing to eat. Take him out and bring him to. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Colonel. No sleep. Get this gu y out of here. -Hey. Howdy. you. No. -Questioning of spies is my department. Colonel.

started a murder rumor. take it easy. Read this. No arguments. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Any offers? I'm Mr. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute.You're his brother. I know just how you feel. Just a minute. no argument. . Captain. Look. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Witherspoon. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. I have come to get a Brewster. Last year there was a crazy guy. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. There's people dumb enough to believe that. -I'm waiting for Mr. -As long as he's going someplace. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. He's got to be put away. No arguments. I'm liable to think anything.

it's chicanery. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -That's fine.Mr. That's all right! Do that again for me. -Hold him till I get there. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. This is fun. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. . Let me explain. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Now. He's ready to talk. all I got to get is Witherspoon. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. I'm so glad to see you. Witherspoon is here." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Brewster? Mr. Never mind! Give me that pen. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows.

. We always. Taxicabs. I have one waiting now. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. It means a great deal to me.And no wagon when he leaves. You do? It must be a nice place. Something I've been working on. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I sometimes envy some of our patients. -That's good. -The woods are full of them. You never can tell. I've never been there. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. . never. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. You know. you know-Captain. Why? To take him away? Never. it's a play.. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully.. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. Witherspoon. this is Mr. secretly. I shan't mind. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do.

Aunt Martha. Your term of office is over. Happy man. President. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. -Is this March 4? -Practically. I must get started immediately. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers.. President? Taft! No. It's Mr. Aunt Abby.. Witherspoon. -What is this? No. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Mr. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Goodbye.-Come.. Mr. I'm on my way to Africa. This is Captain Rooney. your guide to Africa. Now you can take him away. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. this isn't Mr. Let's see. all signed. you got it wrong. Taft. I have good news for you. my boy. I'll bring down my equipment.

Too dangerous. Why not? Why not. let's be sensible. No. -If he's going. too! -Yes. -We won't be separated from Teddy. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Now. ladies. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. he can't go now! We won't permit it. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. I've got it. dear. haven't you? No. You've come to meet Teddy. he's come to take him. How can you allow this? You promised. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. we're going. you'll have to take us with him. Dissension. You could arrange that. We never take sane people at Happy Dale.It's all right. . but impossible. jealousy. Oh. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. -I'm sorry. indeed? It's sweet of them. We promise to take his bugle away from him.

And there are hundreds more up in the attic. . you wouldn't have to dig.and we'll get them all together. -I'll look in that cellar. You just ask our nephew. .It ain't only his bugle blowing. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. Things are going to get worse. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself... Mortimer. No.. -How about it? -I'll be right there. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. What? Yes. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.. -I'll tell you what we'll do. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. He's been a little strange all day. The graves are all marked. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.

I put neon lights on mine. -Flowers? Sure.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Hasn't got it yet. If we can go with Teddy. There's one down there. "There is a Happy Dale far. . far away "There is a Happy" He got it. a Mr. humor them. Where are they? . Spenalzo. It's amazing. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better.. -He got married today.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. Humor them. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. -Certainly. -You mustn't mind him at all. Smile. None of mine are gentlemen.. we'll sign the papers. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen... Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Teddy committed himself.

A doctor. Maybe I can understand him. I'm really looking forward to going. Sign them up. here. ladies. dear. please. please. It's on the right-hand side there. I'm so sorry. Doctor. Einstein.I have them. Dr. please. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. please. Dr. -Were you leaving. will you? I want this all cleaned up. -Come here. Doctor. Yes. We've overlooked something. Ladies. right here. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Dr. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Come along. -A doctor? -Yes. Oh. if you'll sign right here. Now. Doctor? -Yes. Just sign right here. -Good night. I'm going out to talk to that spy. -Here? -Yes. . Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. The neighborhood here has changed so.

on the desk. Hello. The doctor has completed the signatures. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. I'm Brewster. yes. Witherport. Pop eyes. Okay. Poses as a doctor. Einstein! -Now. That's great! Thanks. One hundred and forty pounds. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Talks with a German accent. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Mac. Mr. Read it to me. . -Don't play games--You sign. Mr. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Five-foot-three. Thanks. Don't mind me.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Doc. Mac. You sign as next of kin. It's your turn. But Dr. It's contagious. It's all right. will you? About 40.

Mortimer. dear. -Me too.-Spoon. you signed as next of kin. -It's yours. -Well. And you were born . -Here. We're very happy about the whole thing. -Mine? You see. We don't want anything to go wrong. President. dear. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. Well. you know? And bring along my bugle. Come up and pack my duffel. don't be worried. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. darling? -Martha. of course. darling. darling. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. Einstein--But it's not his signature. you tell him. -What's wrong about that. -What. Now. He's President. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. but that's just it. Duffel? Pack his duffel.

we didn't want to lose her. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. It's true. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.. -Goodbye..about three months afterwards. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. I really did see-- . Quiet! -But. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. They're off to a flying start. So brother married her. . Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye... Your real father was a cook. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. too.

Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Yes. dear.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mortimer. We're going to Niagara Falls. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . love. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Call me a cab. its operators. But. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. I'm a son of a sea cook. Mr.

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