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You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
at any time. You know I'm not a swearing man." either..Their old man left them fixed for life. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. . No..should take any man's daughter anyplace. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed... Don't you call them "the girls. watch your language.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. He's so very much in love with her. . Brophy.but no man with this published attitude. I must be catching cold... .. and now. .because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater... I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer.... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic... . Bless you. He used to come to see us only occasionally. Remember now.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room... Reverend Harper.. You'd be surprised . Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. dear.... Sister Martha and I are so happy.
Will you excuse me? No. You get tired of playing cards. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Thank you. No. Brophy. This is Officer O'Hara. -Miss Abby.what they'd consider swearing. That's splendid work you men do. Harper from the church next door? Hello. I'll go. the new man on the beat. Splendid! Thank you. -How do you do. How do you do. dear. absolutely nothing to report. At ease. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. sir? It's nice to meet you. The toys are on the chair up here. You know the Reverend Dr. we came for the toys. we have nothing to report. by the library door. -Come right in. This is Officer O'Hara. He's taking over my beat. what news have you brought me? Colonel. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Mr. gentlemen. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. Teddy. Gentlemen. no. They're all packed. Teddy. Brophy? .
Isn't it a shame. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies.. .and the neighbors raised Cain... Sarge.. Now don't do that again. Gentlemen. . They're afraid of him. thank you. Father. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. But a little weak.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. Isn't it a shame. I promised I wouldn't swear.. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. still. That's right. Reverend.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. Please don't bother. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . He's an interesting character.. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.. Look. You've done so much already... if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.She's better. Teddy. I'll make a note..
Yes. now. how do you do? Miss Martha. -These are lovely. Thank you. Hey. It'll make a lot of kids happy. and thank you very much. you're back. Teddy. this is grand. Be sure it's good and hot. Colonel. -Don't mention it. Colonel. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. So long. -Reverend.. The Army and Navy are ready for action. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. -Now. Martha.. dear. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. -Thank you. You bet I will. -Not at all.Well.. No. He's taking over my duties. it goes to Australia. Officer O'Hara. Dismissed! . -The children will go crazy. Brophy. Here's the broth for Mrs. Miss Brewster. put it back. Sarge.
And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. if he's happy. -Well.. indeed. Martha? Once. and we suggested it. Goodbye. -Good night. Young man. Yes. -Careful of the step with the toys. let that be a lesson to you. That is quite a problem. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill.. and what's more important. we thought if he'd be George Washington..... Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. I must be going. -Don't mention it. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. a long time ago.it might be a change for him.. you're happy.. Do you remember.-Goodbye and thank you.. . . Well. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy.
You know.. -I got along fine. dear. Martha. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. -I'll run right downstairs and see. -No. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. sweet Reverend Harper. dear. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. Dear. too.. -But all by yourself. And I was all alone. So. .. I just couldn't wait for you.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. why? Good news for you. I didn't know when you'd be back. and Reverend Harper was coming. And dinner's going to be late. Did you just have tea? Yes. There wasn't time.
right out here with everyone looking. And her brooch. darlings. Just throw it. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. But.. I don't like that look in your eyes. Mortimer. Hold on to that. Please! For heaven's sake! But.Well? Just look in the windowseat. Mortimer. There they are. buddy. If you find her hairpins. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. -You ain't seen anything yet. keep them. -It's Elaine! -Hello. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. -But that was only Sunday. you're going to love me . Wait a minute. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.. -Take her hat. -You've got to drive us to the station. -But. Here's your hat. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. -This old cab has seen osculation but..
. We've a room on the train..for my mind.. He's a dear. No. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. That's what I hate about women. too? One thing at a time. I can handle Father. you see! You see? That's what I mean. There. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office.. don't tell your father. You should've seen my secretary's face. You know what we're doing? Wasting time.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. Yes. Go on. You'll see it often.. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. the bridal suite in the hotel.. I don't have to. hurry and pack. I started packing the day after I met you. . darling.. . Look. It goes just before this. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. There's that look again! "There's that look again.
We're married. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. darling. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Hurry. here.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Elaine and I are married. What? Now? No. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. When you whistle. Did you send those roses to Mrs. -Father may want to pray over me. And throw in a flock . If you see a tall. Isn't it too. -Whistle when you're ready. Oh. open the front door fast. Brewster? Good. -It'll be a few minutes. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Hold on to your bustles. hurry. you two old frauds. it's me. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. dark streak of light. Grand Central Station. not now! Look surprised when he tells us.
we can have our celebration. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry.of orange blossoms. Did everybody know I was getting married. Well. of course. -You won't have time to bake a cake. . We're going to Niagara Falls. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. a wedding cake. You know how your books upset him. too. Of course. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. Oh. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. I'm going to burn all my books. -And. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. But before you go. I'll run along and get everything ready. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. It's all ready. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. dear. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. A taxi's waiting.
Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. "Oh. thank you. reminded me of Jonathan. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Goodbye. Just bully. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Isn't it wonderful? Well. dear! . goodbye. I saw a play. dear. had a character in it. Mr. My. you know. He'd scare grownups with it. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. I know. Oh. I'm off to Panama. Yes. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Mortimer! -How are you. Hello.Now you behave. President. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. what a face! I remember now. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. A new lock for the canal. President? -Bully. Mr. tell the news to Mother" -Oh.
Teddy's killed a man. . Now. mister. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. Get him up here now. Well. but it has nothing to do with Teddy.Yeah. what a play. listen. -You know? -Of course. We know. The next thing-Hey. dear. That's after we're gone. darlings. look. dear. When Teddy's working on the canal. -There's no such hurry as that. I'm frightfully sorry. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. darling! Never mind that now. At once! -He's in the cellar. darlings. Yes. you can't get his mind on anything else. but I've got an awful shock for you. the first thing you see is a dead body. When the curtain goes up. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Yes.
it has a distinct odor.. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek.. Wait! Stop all this. except that he's a Methodist. Now look.. No. That's really all I know about him. Who is he? He's a Mr.. When it's in tea. Hoskins. how did he die? Mortimer. Aunt Martha. What the.Now. dear. You put it in the wine? . He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. Adam Hoskins. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. You mean you. You just forget about it. He died first. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.. don't be so inquisitive. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Mortimer.. men just don't get into windowseats and die.
not at tea. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat..because Reverend Harper was coming. Yes. The dears. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. darling. Look at me. but this time we'll go where we want to go. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. you know all about it and just forget about it. Abby.. tomorrow or next day. Now.. That wouldn't have been very nice. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. Schultz. Mortimer. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . It's first-degree. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets..Yes. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. . She's much better. We must do that.
digging the lock. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Teddy's down in the cellar now. . dear.. We don't intend to. Whatever his name is. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Mortimer.. you can't leave him in there. you behave. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. That's what we did with the others. Hoskins. Aunt Martha. Look. -Stop worrying about it. Mortimer. dear. We told you to forget the whole thing.Yes. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. I want to know what we're going to do. here. You're going to bury Mr. dear. They have so much fun. don't be so impatient. You can't. dear. -We can't turn you over to the police. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Mr. I know what his name is.. Now. it is. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. -But Mr.
I didn't mean-- . dear... Abby usually is. Let me see now. I was counting the first one. No. Abby.. dear. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why.. I really don't think you should count the first one. Abby. This one is only 1 1 . what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. But. For heaven's sake.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. and that makes it 12. When you say "others. Hello. keep your shirt on! Elaine. Makes it 12. Hoskins first came in. It does? Well. dear. because I remember when Mr. Abby? No. isn't it." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. This makes 12. I get them mixed up sometimes.-Others? -The other gentlemen. I think you're wrong. . Abby. dear. she's probably right. This is 1 1. dear.
. Why. Martha? We made up our minds. He was a Baptist. . All his kith and kin were dead. when his heart attack came. old men.. ... let's see... Remember. Never mind about that.. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.that if we could help other lonely. you see. Abby thinks we should count the first one. Where were we? Twelve. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. We felt so sorry for him..and he thought Mr. Midgely. You mean. dear. old gentleman..... He was such a lonely..... Tell me. And then...we would. Twelve! Yes. . So. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.. then and there.. Just sit down...and he sat there dead in that chair. you poor. who was the first one? Mr.... .looking so peaceful...to find that same peace. .. we all took him down to Panama.Now.. . . Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.
because we know exactly what's to be done. As a matter of fact.. so. . What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. . darling. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.... dear..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it. -Mortimer.. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. dear. No..then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine..... Of course not! Well. just a pinch of cyanide.. .... Wait a minute! Come here.. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . Should have quite a kick.... Well. for a gallon of elderberry wine.. And then... . There.
Singing away. Who can I call up? Dewey. Happy as a lark.. Winchell? No. That'd be nice. Don't worry about the cake. Let me see. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Let me see. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Teddy! Of course. a sip of. I couldn't eat a thing. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Everybody knows he's crazy..He did? Well. We must get that cake frosted... Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. digging locks. darling. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. La Guardia. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night.. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. He's wonderful. Winchell's no good..
would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. Yeah. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What'd you do. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. you! Thought you were tall. Something's happened. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. I heard you whistle. -Run on home. please.on North Shore Road. What's wrong? Look at your hair. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. . What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. I'll call you up tomorrow. dark streak of light. yes. -How do I look? -You look fine. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. Brooklyn.
. he's-It's his bugle blowing. Judge. . I'll tell you why I called you.. It's very. You smell so nice. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster.If I could only tell you.. about Teddy. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. You better go home! -But. We've got to do something immediately. darling. Judge. A thing happened. It's about Teddy. -Go to bed. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. I've got to come over and see you right away. very important. The police want to throw him into a state institution. Judge. But it's a matter of life and. we were married today. It won't wait until tomorrow. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. Elaine.
How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Operator? Give me long distance. It's a wonderful place. please. -All alone in the world? . -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. I understand you've got a room to rent. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. How do you do? Come in. this would be a nice comfortable chair. Another Miss Brewster. -My name's Gibbs. Happy Dale. Do step in. And this is my sister. we can get him to Happy Dale. do sit down. Now. I'm Miss Brewster. Don't like it. New York. -Well. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. we're just setting the table for dinner. dear. Doorbell's ringing. I'm sorry. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium.
-Dale. you've come to just the right house. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. I can see the headlines now. The room's upstairs." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us.. but the cemetery's full of them. Martha. skoal. I'd like to see the room.. Happy Dale." when you dig a lock. I don't think I'll like it. It's elderberry wine.-Well. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Please.. -Do sit down. Well. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. -No. we make this ourselves. Well. That's right. "D" Iike in "dig. . -Thank you. Well. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.
piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .. Don't do that. murdered. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. it's wrong. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. Not that. . but you've given me an idea! Darling..Hello.. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.but it's not only against the law. People wouldn't understand. I'm not drunk. madam.. What I mean is... Oh. I'm nervous.. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. He wouldn't understand.
. dear. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.-.and it would lead to trouble. if your mind is made up. now. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Well. Witherspoon. Oh. if he thought that-Mr. do you-I'm fine. Mr. Bonaparte. Brewster. And if-Oh. Well. operator. Yes. Witherspoon.. I see. Witherspoon.That's amazing. . . How do you do. please. thanks. Brewster? How are you? Mr. That's too bad. Witherspoon speaking. Well. Mr. Oh... but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Thank you. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Of course. Mr. Thank you.What? All right. dear. Mr. we want to commit him there immediately. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment.
. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. Whosit where he is. -But. darling. Now listen. Mortimer. I can't talk to you. dear. we'd have to know what it was first. darling. but I want you to promise me something..Another Roosevelt.. I love you both very much. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. Get off that thing. you'll do that little thing for me. don't you? Yes.. Anyway. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. You know I'd do anything for you. What on earth could happen to us? Well. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. I'll sing with you. I mean. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. I want you to do one thing for me. Well. like good girls. Oh... don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. I can't concentrate.. dear.
I'll dance with you. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. What? Stop that. The poor dears. Yes. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. I can go faster that way. Shame! Such a nice hat. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. What is it? Mr. cab! Here you are. I'm so happy for Elaine. You promise? Good. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. anything. Why? He's just been married. that's right. well. . Remember. -Don't open it. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. You know. Oh. Sure.
This is the home of my youth. It's two men. I'll go. As a boy. and I've never seen them before. -You look. . -Do you recognize them? -No. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. -Let me look. -Are you sure? -Yes. Johnny. Yes. The family must still live here.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. Come in. As if we were expected. doctor. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. Johnny. I'm so hungry. Drink. Look. A fatted calf?. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. There's one up in my room. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. we'll need another hymnal. dear. Johnny. they're strangers to me. it's a good hideout. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in.
.A good omen. And you. Einstein is responsible for that.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. you know.. You just get out of here. Aunt Martha. Dr. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. Jonathan...... He's a plastic surgeon. It's Jonathan. still the high collar. so don't pretend you are. Aunt Martha. . Your nephew. you're not. No. Why.. But I've seen that face before. his voice is like Jonathan's. Have you been in an accident? My face.. . You get out of here! I'm Jonathan..to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.. You're nothing like Jonathan.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. Spenalzo in through the door. We expect to be very busy. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. That's hospitality. . And it just fits Mr. How do we get him in here? Yes. I don't have to go into details. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. Quick. we can't just walk Mr. Spenalzo along.... See the hole he's digging. I could be disagreeable. six feet long. I forgot to tell you..You remember that.. we'll bring him in through the window. Bed. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. Rather a good joke on my aunts. .Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.. Four feet wide. as a boy. Spenalzo. -Down here. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Come here.
Teddy. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.We're moving the car behind the house. a state secret. the poor dear. That might be against the law. there's been another yellow-fever victim. A state secret? Yes. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. Hoskins downstairs right away. What are we going to do about Mr. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. Hoskins? Mr. And he's been so patient. I don't want to leave it in the street. General Goethals was very pleased. No. You'd better get to bed. I think Teddy had better take Mr. Promise? You have the word of the President . He said the canal was just the right size. we must keep it a secret. The car is all right where it is until morning.
he's really very nice looking... Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. Your room is waiting for you.when I turn out the lights.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal.of the United States. And we'll come down later and hold services. when everything's dark here. considering that he's a Methodist. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. Now. We're bringing the luggage through here. I've never even seen Mr.. You know. And then. let's see.. -And we don't go to bed this early. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours.. You just come right along and see him now.. you were out. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. . We've never had yellow fever there before. It seems to be spreading. Both of you. You can go right up. Now get along.. .. But you must be very tired. . Cross my heart and hope to die. You two run along to bed.
I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Where am l? Here I am. For the instruments.-It's time I came home to take care of you. You go outside and push. Doctor. -I'll be right up. He's all right. Good night. All right. But he's too heavy for me. and I'll stay here and pull. I'll take a look around outside the house. Just off the laboratory. -All right. We must be quick. Aunt Martha. Johnny. I'll come back later. And then together we take him down to Panama. It's dark in here. Now! Turn out the lights. . I'll open the window. Run along. Yeah. Aunt Abby. Take the bags upstairs. Now. we'll all go to bed. you open the window. You go round and hand him through. Aunt Abby. When I tap on the glass.
up! Now. quick. Go. I'm not very used to it. Doctor! . -Be careful. -But his shoe came off. wait a minute. it's Brewster. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. Go open. somebody's at the door. wait a minute. I mean. Hand him over. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Now I got him. Allez. Now I've got him! Johnny. He's so heavy. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Now I have him. I'll manage Spenalzo. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Now I have him. Help me. I live next door. Mortimer.Who left this open? Okay. He's so heavy. Help me. You lost a leg somewhere. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you.
that's all. That explains everything.. May I present Dr. . "That explains everything. I'm in this house every day. Now that I know who you are. Einstein? Dr. -You've heard of me? -Yes..It's all right. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves..l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. they talk about you. I've never seen you before. We happen to live here. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. And something of a magician." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.. You don't live here. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. . -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. -You're Jonathan. It's okay.
I'll run--You've given two names. that's all! I see. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. the cellar. Charge! Doctor. But if he's not home. Alice.I suppose it was you. No visitors. I came to see Mortimer. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. It's going to be a private funeral. -What else did you see? -Just that. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. No! Don't be a tomboy. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Go back to your room. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Is that why you came over here? No. a sneak thief. .
have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Jonathan! -I've come back home." Listen. Mortimer... . Mortimer. -What? I've come back home. Go back to your room. Mortimer. -Mortimer. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. "I've come back home. -I'll handle this. . Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. I talk.. Einstein. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr..-We'll call the police. it talks! Yes. Mortimer. he--Wait a minute. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. darling....
. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other.. Please. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. I remember. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. -In fact. . Nothing to. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. We don't take up much room. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. We invited Jonathan and Dr. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Now look. just a moment. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. be a good fellow. -What? -Just for tonight. I'm staying here tonight. Einstein to stay. Here's $10.Yeah. No. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Now. I'm staying here from now on.
I'll take care of you. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Spenalzo. Spenalzo. While we are packing. . -Killed? Aunt Abby. What? What's going to happen to Mr.Mortimer. I'll tell you about him. beat it! It's all right. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Now. Johnny. I've completely lost track of Mr. you know what I do to people who order me around. Elaine. Don't bring anyone else in here. Mr. Wait! Who's this Mr. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. in just a little while. -Oh. Mortimer. that. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Doctor. darling? -I almost got killed. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat.
. I can't hear the man. I got things to do. please. -You'd better run along home. Forget it. -But--Please. we were going over Niagara Falls. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. a taxi's waiting. I'm afraid of him. . . Yes..and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. don't worry about it. Witherspoon. look. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.. Well.. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Darling.-It was worse than that.. I'm here now.. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Brewster. I don't understand you. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0.. -He was going to kill me! -Wait.your brother tries to strangle me.. He's some kind of a maniac. Well. Mr. We were married today..
.. darling. I'll get both signatures. darling. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. signature. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. Teddy. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.. By the way. . of course? By the doctor? Oh. .. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. I know it's late. well. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. Thank you. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. Doctor. Let me think about this thing. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please.put them in a barrel. Yeah. wedding ring. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. windowseat.. taxi. come right away..I've got the papers all drawn up.
you come in here now! Yes.No. It is not Mr. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins in the windowseat. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. dear. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins! -By the way. I did. Mr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. . -What? You buried him? -Not yet. Yes. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. he's mistaken. where is Mr. Hoskins. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. You admitted you put Mr.
and I mean now. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. Listen. Don't. you come straight along here. what with Jonathan in the house. poor dear.. We haven't had a minute. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Oh. handsome.. Mortimer. I've decided that we're staying. Are you getting out. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. dear. And I've also decided that you're leaving. I'm in no mood to debate the question.. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. No. I did. . Martha.He's down there waiting for the services. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger.
Well? All right. -Pleased to meet you. . Jonathan. Spenalzo can happen to you. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you.. This is our nephew. you're a Brewster. Put down that telephone.Aunt Abby. Remember. too.. -And this is another nephew. do come in. Mortimer. -Glad to see you. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. You can't ask for more than that. And he's taking Dr. You're my brother. darling. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. I owe you an apology. Listen. Officer. in that case. Don't reach for the telephone. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. -Yes. Come right in. -No! Come in.. I'll have to call the police. Jonathan is leaving. what happened to Mr. I've got some very good news for you.
I'm working on a play now. but I can't spell them. Spenalzo. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen.Your face is familiar. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. -I'll be running along. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. Dr. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. Officer O'Hara. You can tell me all about it. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. . Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Mr.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. If you don't leave here. All three of you: you. I got to ring in. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. well. I can spell like the dickens. This is your last chance. You are? Well. Einstein and Spenalzo.
Okay. We've got a wonderful setup here. Now get going! All three of you. O'Hara. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . We're not going. Two old ladies as a front. Come. Please! Doctor. After that. we're coming back here. Look. We can make a fortune. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Only Mortimer stands in our way.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Then if he tries to interfere-No. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. take it easy. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. No. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. you lose your head. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Just give me one moment. We're sleeping right here in this house. let's go. But we've got trouble enough as it is. please. Johnny. Right with you. I never did like Mortimer. Johnny. no. Please.
-I don't know. She was my mother. -Legitimate? Of course. you asked for it. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. You stay out of this. Well. -I like the first act. I worked on it for 12 years. If you tell O'Hara . -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes.. -Excuse me. All right.. Mortimer. rehash it. -You're not going? -No. It's no fly-by-night idea. I'll be back in a minute. Move fast. -Swell. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. Yes. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. Well.. we got an ace in the hole.in the cellar. -My mother was an actress. We're not going.
Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. I assure you. . Lowbrows. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .l'll tell him what's in the cellar. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. This opening will kill you. Genius at work.. Bohemian atmosphere. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. You'd better ring in. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.what's in the windowseat. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's... I'll meet you there later.
Well. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. you ring in and I'll see you later. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. You're smug. We thought we heard you leave. Wait for me! We'll wait for him.. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Martha. doctor. Yes.Look. You've got to take him with you! .. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins.. I think we can start the services now. You haven't. Jonathan.. I expect to find you gone.. . And speaking of services. Did he look guilty! Well... dear aunties. will you? This is a great play. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. The moment the doctor signs.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Where do you. Where are those papers? There they are.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. -I'll see you down there. You won't stand me up. Perish the thought. -Can't wait! Doctor.. That was just Mortimer.. When I come back.
Hoskins--Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Besides. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. The cellar's crowded already. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. what we've been doing is a mercy. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. You mean. They're both dead. He must mean Mr. It's one of our charities. Hoskins. -Your gentlemen? Yes. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. Mr. there's no room for Mr. Hoskins is no stranger. Spenalzo. -But Mr. .There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Twelve graves. Mr. Doctor. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Why. -He's one of our gentlemen.
. You cannot count him. -Thirteen... they got 12.and they stay right here in Brooklyn.. I've got 13. Johnny. Phoenix? -The filling station.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful.. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. He died of pneumonia. Arizona.. What? You got 12. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. There's Mr.. . one in Phoenix.two in San Francisco. Don't brag. one in Sydney.. one in Melbourne. .. -Filling. Spenalzo. . Spenalzo out of here. and they do just as good as you do.. .. Then the first one in London. they got 12. You cannot count the one in South Bend.. You've done all that. 12. Two in Johannesburg.So you just take your Mr.. You got 12. -No... Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. That makes 13.
Make yourself comfortable.l'm sure you'd be convinced. If you'd talk with him.. Pull up a tombstone.. Just one more. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. Gilchrist. . -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.. This is most irregular. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.. are they? Well. seeing a doctor.. They are. -Who? What? Did I say.. All I need is one more. I know Teddy blows bugles. . I'll be right back. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. Dr. but I can't commit a man just on that. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. but only you can help me. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween.The old ladies is just as good as you are. -You wait here. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. That's all. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. that's easily taken care of.. -You better wait.
President. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. so good. -Do you? -Yes. yes. the meter! "Looks good on me. No.50. indeed.50! -What? $22. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. So far. looks good on you! Not the suit. Certainly. thanks. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. darling. It gives me a chance to rest. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year." $22. that's that. Welcome to Washington. Not so good. may I present--Dr. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. It wouldn't fit me. is it not? Yes. $22. -Mr. Well now. Five more bucks and you'll own it.-Hey. of course I love you. with a Maxim silencer.50! Oh. .
Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.. insanity runs in my family. but it's only a matter of time. -That's what you think.. It practically gallops. I'll run for a third term. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. . Just because Teddy's strange. I don't quite know. that's ancient history. Darling... -Of course.. -What are you talking about? -Well. Doctor.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. Darling. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House.. I love you so much. . but I won't be elected. darling. if the country insists.well. It's way back before Teddy. but you see. that doesn't mean-No. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I can't go through with our marriage.. I probably should have told you this before. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.
-You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. Well. So you're crazy. Thank you. even they have their peculiarities. Aunt Abby. you better stop it. -Go away. What of it? So your family's crazy. Ambassador. Look at your aunts. go to bed! . Goodbye. Anytime you're in Washington. I. all this doesn't prove a thing.. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. There's no use doing what you're doing. sanest people I've ever known. aren't they? They're the sweetest. but kiss me.Darling. -Those papers. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. I'm crazy too. No. Just go on signing the papers. drop in to see me at the White House. no. That's the way I love you. They're Brewsters. It'll just have to be undone.. I've enjoyed this little talk very much..
Nice and smooth like a lake.. Doctor. This is all fixed up nice now. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. Spenalzo in together. Martha and I are going for the police. Bed feels good already. All right.. Hoskins and Mr. I'll get them out.. . I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. If Jonathan and Mr.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. let him. -Oh. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. You know. .we're going for the police.. You're forgetting.
Doctor. Not the Melbourne method. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Doctor. no police! No police! Look. We'll do it tomorrow. I know that look. Okay. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. Doctor. No. Look at me. can't you? Yeah. But the quick way. You are going to operate tomorrow. You forget. Okay. I think this calls for something special. You can see that it's got to be done. Johnny. we'll do it. Or the next day. No! I am tired. perhaps. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. what? . Mortimer. My brother. But Johnny. huh? The quick twist like in London. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.-Remember. go to bed. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. I just heard him upstairs. the Melbourne method. I think.
Wait here. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Hey. I can't hear you. I see! Very clever. I can't hear you. mice? -You get out of this house. This must be secret. Yes. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. President. will you. So I have. Don't do that. What a load off my mind.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Mr. Brewster. -Of course. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. Johnny's in a bad mood. -Please listen to me. please? -What? Speak up. Mr. Mr. Mr. You already have them on. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. President. President. Oh. Mr. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Boy. . Get out. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. What is it. President.
when Johnny's in that mood. Please. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. -My schnapps. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Get going. -I could use that..Are you really a doctor? Yes... You've just been married. .Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Please go now. You beat it before things start popping around here. Mr.he's a madman. I'll take care of him. 1919. Only for dramatic critics. Brewster. You take care of yourself. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. little fellow.. Don't those plays you see all the time . look. Heidelberg. Horrible things. But. Doc-. please. Please listen to me. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Please. but you go now. Stop it. -That's mine. -What's that? Wait.
When you get out of prison. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. There's a man. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. Isn't that great? So there he is. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. The murderer even invites him to sit down. . There's a play that's so bad. And does he go? No... Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. Now listen to this. At least people in plays act like they got sense. Witherspoon. he doesn't. He's even been warned to get out.. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. it'll still be running when you get out.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr.
All he has to do is look around.. brother Heidelberg. . Mortimer.. in a play or even in a movie. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. . Look at the attitude. I've been away for 20 years..we go to work. for me. were you out of my mind. Later on. the quick way.. Please. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. my dear brother. This fellow's supposed to be bright. Now. Yes.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. Now get a load of this.. but does he? No! See... In Melbourne one night. you may consider that a blessing. Johnny. But never.. He wasn't very bright. . The big dope! You were right about that fellow.a fellow never sees or hears anything. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. I dreamt of you. That's right. Doctor.
But I can't pull myself together without a drink. That idiot! -He goes next. Where are your manners? Yes. After all. We both have a drink before we operate.-This must be an artistic achievement. Here. Where did they put it? I found some wine. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. I'll split it with you. But I cannot see this without the drink. That's all. -Please. there was some wine. Mortimer. please. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . dead brother. And then they took it. To my dear. You remember when we came in. Please! All right. Pull yourself together. One moment. Let's get it over with. We drink to you.
.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. I'd better talk to him myself. yes! If it has to be. out of a clear sky. Yeah. We're taking the bugle away from him. It's all right. -What happened to him? -Nothing.-We'll get to him later. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. then the quick way. I'll help you. The quick way.. I see. Like a flash. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. The quick way. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. They practically stole that from my play.. In the second act. . sure.. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. .
All of a sudden. casual-like. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes... So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. Growing into a magnificent specimen.He says. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. -It's probably over his head. please.. I'm walking along my beat. a fire breaks out. My mother doesn't say they're married.. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. -What? -I personally like it very much.. "Miss Peaches La Tour. I'm in great danger. It's an evolving stage. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. It's getting you. . there's me. The scene changes. in the meantime. . Well. will you marry me?" That's the first scene.. You ain't heard nothing yet.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. see? Little do I know it. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep.
-What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. Brewster's brother. I figures I'll outsmart him.. Get me Mac. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -He's going to help me write my play. who the heck is this? Mr.when a guy that I'm following.. .. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in.. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. Brophy. That's the one that ran away. The Lieutenant's on the warpath.. so I pulls out my gun. So he came back. -I heard him. Did they send you here? No. My play put him to sleep.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello.. -There's a vacant house on the corner. . this is Mortimer Brewster. He says we've got to put him away someplace. Right in the middle of the second act. The neighbors are phoning in. Now. we came to warn the old ladies. boys.. -Johnny.
We found him. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Mr. Brewster.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. we'll hold him right here. At the Brewster house. Yes. I better let them know that I found you. -Come down to the cellar. -I'll show them to you. The Lieutenant is on his way over. you've got me. Shall we bring him in? All right. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. Your aunts are friends of ours. Leave him to me. Be careful what you say. You think my aunts are sweet. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Mr. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. -Wait a minute. charming old ladies. 13. It wasn't that bad. Brewster. So I've been turned in? All right. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. . don't you? Well. Thirteen bodies.
do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. -Yes. -Go to the cellar with him. You could use this in the third act. Pat. Look out! Fight. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. too. -Go on down the cellar with him. Well. . I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Such a fine day. please. look. Amazing. Don't bother me now. Don't! Sarge! Look out. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Everybody off. that's enough. come to the cellar. Go on and fight. look out! Amazing. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. Pat. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. He looks like Boris Karloff. I got him. I got something better. That's enough.I'll show you where they're buried.
Boris.The papers are all signed. That won't have any effect.. I've tried it before-It did. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. Isn't that amazing? Oh.. Telephone. Thank you very much. please.. . Get him. What do I care? Go ahead. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. Pat. -Come in. fight. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Turn him over. -Witherspoon. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Wish I could relax like that. Don't do that. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. dear. That's fine. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. brother.
Report in.. ... Certainly. He's wanted. The guy who helped him escape.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. he's wanted. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. That's the way they described him. too.. That's my brother. You're going to have a long time on that play. He's a lifer.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. He says 13 bodies are there. About my not ringing in.. Now go on... "He looked like Karloff.you can at least read short detective stories. You're suspended. . In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.. pal. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. . Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.
This is a spy. . I want to question him. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. We caught him at the White House. you've blown your last bugle. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. -Hey. Take him out and bring him to. Colonel. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. But I'm not myself today. No sleep. you. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. Howdy. keep out of that. I'm Mortimer Brewster. No. Colonel. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. With flatheads like you on the force. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. Nothing to eat. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. -Questioning of spies is my department.Here.
no argument. No arguments. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. I know just how you feel. I have come to get a Brewster. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Witherspoon. started a murder rumor. . Any offers? I'm Mr. Captain. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. -I'm waiting for Mr. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Just a minute. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute.You're his brother. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. He's got to be put away. Read this. I'm liable to think anything. -As long as he's going someplace. Look. Last year there was a crazy guy. take it easy. No arguments.
That's all right! Do that again for me. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. I'm so glad to see you. This is fun. all I got to get is Witherspoon. -Hold him till I get there.Mr. He's ready to talk. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. -That's fine. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Never mind! Give me that pen. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. . Let me explain. Now. Brewster? Mr. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Witherspoon is here. it's chicanery.
-That's good. it's a play. I've never been there. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully.. .. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. secretly. I shan't mind. Something I've been working on. You never can tell.And no wagon when he leaves.. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. It means a great deal to me. this is Mr. I sometimes envy some of our patients. You know. Taxicabs. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. -The woods are full of them. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. Why? To take him away? Never. We always. never. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I have one waiting now. you know-Captain. You do? It must be a nice place. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. Witherspoon.
-Come. It's Mr. Let's see. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Goodbye. Bully! Bully! Wait right here.. President. Now you can take him away. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. President? Taft! No.. I have good news for you. I must get started immediately. This is Captain Rooney. Taft. I'll bring down my equipment. your guide to Africa. you got it wrong. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Witherspoon. Mr. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Mr. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Aunt Abby. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Happy man. I'm on my way to Africa.. my boy. all signed. this isn't Mr. -What is this? No. Aunt Martha. Your term of office is over.
We promise to take his bugle away from him. too! -Yes. but impossible. Dissension. -We won't be separated from Teddy. -If he's going. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. No. jealousy. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. -I'm sorry. let's be sensible. Too dangerous. he's come to take him. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. we're going. I've got it.It's all right. dear. you'll have to take us with him. haven't you? No. ladies. You could arrange that. indeed? It's sweet of them. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. . You've come to meet Teddy. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. Now. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. How can you allow this? You promised. Why not? Why not. he can't go now! We won't permit it. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Oh.
. -How about it? -I'll be right there. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. What? Yes. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. You just ask our nephew. Things are going to get worse. Mortimer. you wouldn't have to dig. He's been a little strange all day.It ain't only his bugle blowing..and we'll get them all together. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. -I'll look in that cellar. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. -I'll tell you what we'll do.. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. No. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. . Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. The graves are all marked. And there are hundreds more up in the attic...
-Certainly. "There is a Happy Dale far. Hasn't got it yet. we'll sign the papers. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. It's amazing.. -He got married today. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Humor them. -Flowers? Sure. a Mr.. Smile. Spenalzo.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. . -You mustn't mind him at all. Teddy committed himself. far away "There is a Happy" He got it.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Where are they? . -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed.. I put neon lights on mine. There's one down there. None of mine are gentlemen. humor them.. If we can go with Teddy.
A doctor. here. We've overlooked something. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Dr. The neighborhood here has changed so. Sign them up. Maybe I can understand him. ladies. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Yes. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Dr. Dr. please. I'm so sorry. right here. -Good night. please. Doctor. please. -A doctor? -Yes. I'm really looking forward to going. Ladies. Oh. Now. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. Come along. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. please. Doctor. dear. .I have them. It's on the right-hand side there. -Were you leaving. Just sign right here. if you'll sign right here. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Einstein. Doctor? -Yes. will you? I want this all cleaned up. -Here? -Yes. -Come here.
Talks with a German accent. Poses as a doctor. It's your turn. on the desk. Okay. That's great! Thanks. will you? About 40. Five-foot-three. . The doctor has completed the signatures. Witherport. You sign as next of kin. Mr. It's all right. Read it to me. Hello. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Einstein! -Now. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Thanks. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. But Dr. Mac. I'm Brewster. yes. Mac. Mr. Doc. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Don't mind me. -Don't play games--You sign.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. It's contagious. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. One hundred and forty pounds. Pop eyes.
darling. We don't want anything to go wrong. dear.-Spoon. -Here. Now. Mortimer. you signed as next of kin. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. -Me too. dear. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. darling? -Martha. of course. Einstein--But it's not his signature. -It's yours. Come up and pack my duffel. We're very happy about the whole thing. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. you know? And bring along my bugle. President. And you were born . -Mine? You see. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. you tell him. don't be worried. Duffel? Pack his duffel. He's President. -Well. but that's just it. -What's wrong about that. darling. Well. -What.
He was a chef on a tramp steamer.. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook.. So brother married her. Quiet! -But. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. Your real father was a cook. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. -Goodbye.we didn't want to lose her. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. too. They're off to a flying start..about three months afterwards. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. It's true.. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. I really did see-- . .
Yes. Call me a cab. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Mr. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . We're going to Niagara Falls. But.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mortimer. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. dear. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. its operators. love. I'm a son of a sea cook.
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