This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?
Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.
Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.
at any time. . Don't you call them "the girls.should take any man's daughter anyplace. No... Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. You know I'm not a swearing man...... That's their way of digging up people to do good to. Reverend Harper. ... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. Sister Martha and I are so happy. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. .. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. He's so very much in love with her.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. You'd be surprised .... ... I must be catching cold.. He used to come to see us only occasionally.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.Their old man left them fixed for life. Bless you. Remember now. dear. and now.but no man with this published attitude.... Brophy." either. . It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.. watch your language.
Teddy. the new man on the beat. How do you do. dear. You know the Reverend Dr. -Miss Abby. we have nothing to report.what they'd consider swearing. absolutely nothing to report. The toys are on the chair up here. gentlemen. Will you excuse me? No. He's taking over my beat. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. by the library door. -Come right in. what news have you brought me? Colonel. This is Officer O'Hara. I'll go. Thank you. Mr. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. Gentlemen. No. That's splendid work you men do. Brophy? . At ease. no. This is Officer O'Hara. -How do you do. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. we came for the toys. Harper from the church next door? Hello. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. You get tired of playing cards. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Splendid! Thank you. Brophy. Teddy. sir? It's nice to meet you. They're all packed.
... but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. But a little weak. Look. still.. Gentlemen.. Isn't it a shame.. . I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters... He's an interesting character. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. I promised I wouldn't swear. That's right. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Teddy. Reverend. Sarge. They're afraid of him.She's better. I'll make a note. thank you. Now don't do that again. You've done so much already.. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night.. Father. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .and the neighbors raised Cain. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. Please don't bother. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. Isn't it a shame. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. .
you're back.Well. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Brophy. this is grand. how do you do? Miss Martha. Hey. -These are lovely. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. So long.. Miss Brewster. and thank you very much. Officer O'Hara. You bet I will. Colonel. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. No. now. Yes. Colonel. -The children will go crazy. Teddy. Sarge.. -Not at all. -Reverend. put it back. Be sure it's good and hot. -Thank you. He's taking over my duties. it goes to Australia. -Don't mention it. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. -Now. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. The Army and Navy are ready for action. dear.. Dismissed! . Martha. Thank you. Here's the broth for Mrs. -How do you do? -Good afternoon.
. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh.. Goodbye. indeed. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Do you remember. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Careful of the step with the toys... Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy... . if he's happy. a long time ago. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.it might be a change for him. -Don't mention it. you're happy. Young man. and what's more important. Yes... Martha? Once. Well. and we suggested it.-Goodbye and thank you.. I must be going.. let that be a lesson to you. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. That is quite a problem. -Well. -Good night.
Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. And dinner's going to be late. -No. So. -But all by yourself. I just couldn't wait for you. sweet Reverend Harper. dear. too. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. You know. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. And I was all alone. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. Dear. Did you just have tea? Yes. -I'll run right downstairs and see. dear. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. -I got along fine. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place.. Martha.. and Reverend Harper was coming. why? Good news for you. ..to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. There wasn't time. I didn't know when you'd be back.
-But. Mortimer. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. I don't like that look in your eyes. -You've got to drive us to the station. Here's your hat. darlings. Hold on to that. -You ain't seen anything yet. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Mortimer. There they are. you're going to love me . -But that was only Sunday.. If you find her hairpins.. Please! For heaven's sake! But. -Take her hat. Wait a minute. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. right out here with everyone looking. -It's Elaine! -Hello.. keep them. -This old cab has seen osculation but. And her brooch. He did? What did he say? -He was against it.Well? Just look in the windowseat. But. Just throw it. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. buddy.
No..for my mind. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. . darling. the bridal suite in the hotel. There. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. There's that look again! "There's that look again. Look. You should've seen my secretary's face. Go on. Yes. I started packing the day after I met you. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. .and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. hurry and pack. He's a dear. That's what I hate about women. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. It goes just before this. too? One thing at a time. I can handle Father. you see! You see? That's what I mean... I don't have to.. You'll see it often... Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. don't tell your father. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. We've a room on the train..
And throw in a flock . Isn't it too. Elaine and I are married. What? Now? No. Grand Central Station. you two old frauds. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. Hurry. it's me. Hold on to your bustles. We're married. Did you send those roses to Mrs. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. dark streak of light. -It'll be a few minutes. hurry. open the front door fast. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. -Father may want to pray over me. Oh. Brewster? Good. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. -Whistle when you're ready.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. When you whistle. here. If you see a tall. darling.
-And.of orange blossoms. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. we can have our celebration. I'm going to burn all my books. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. Did everybody know I was getting married. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. too. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. But before you go. It's all ready. Oh. A taxi's waiting. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. Well. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. I'll run along and get everything ready. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. You know how your books upset him. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. a wedding cake. of course. Of course. . We're going to Niagara Falls. -You won't have time to bake a cake. dear.
thank you.Now you behave. goodbye. Isn't it wonderful? Well. you know. Hello. Mr. President. I saw a play. Mr. Really? A honey of a lunatic. He'd scare grownups with it. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Just bully. "Oh. A new lock for the canal. I'm off to Panama. reminded me of Jonathan. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. I know. Oh. Goodbye. Yes. My. President? -Bully. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. had a character in it. what a face! I remember now. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. dear! . dear. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Mortimer! -How are you. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you.
but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Teddy's killed a man. darlings. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. When Teddy's working on the canal. . Yes. Well. Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. listen. dear. darlings.Yeah. darling! Never mind that now. -There's no such hurry as that. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. but I've got an awful shock for you. The next thing-Hey. what a play. When the curtain goes up. mister. Get him up here now. dear. I'm frightfully sorry. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. We know. That's after we're gone. you can't get his mind on anything else. look. At once! -He's in the cellar. -You know? -Of course. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Now.
That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. Wait! Stop all this. men just don't get into windowseats and die. except that he's a Methodist. Now look. You put it in the wine? . That's really all I know about him. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. You mean you. Who is he? He's a Mr. how did he die? Mortimer. Mortimer.. Hoskins. He died first... He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. don't be so inquisitive. Aunt Martha. Adam Hoskins. dear. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.Now. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek... it has a distinct odor. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. When it's in tea. No. What the. You just forget about it..
Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. . Now. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. It's first-degree. The dears. Abby. you know all about it and just forget about it.Yes.. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? .. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. Yes. but this time we'll go where we want to go. Look at me. darling. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. not at tea. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. We must do that. She's much better. Schultz.because Reverend Harper was coming. And I put Mr. Mortimer.. Hoskins in the windowseat. That wouldn't have been very nice. tomorrow or next day. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well..
dear. -We can't turn you over to the police. don't be so impatient. you behave. Mr. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. it is. here. I know what his name is. dear. You can't.. you can't leave him in there. dear. digging the lock. I want to know what we're going to do. . -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. -Stop worrying about it.. That's what we did with the others. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Teddy's down in the cellar now. We told you to forget the whole thing. -But Mr. Whatever his name is. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. They have so much fun. Mortimer. -We'll let you lick the bowl. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate.Yes. You're going to bury Mr. Look. We don't intend to. Now. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. dear. Aunt Martha. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes.. Mortimer. Hoskins.
But. isn't it. keep your shirt on! Elaine. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. I didn't mean-- . she's probably right.. and that makes it 12. because I remember when Mr. dear.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. I really don't think you should count the first one. Abby? No. It does? Well. When you say "others. Hello. Abby usually is. Hoskins first came in. Let me see now. dear. dear. No.. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. This makes 12. This is 1 1. dear. . For heaven's sake. Makes it 12." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Abby... I was counting the first one. dear.-Others? -The other gentlemen. This one is only 1 1 . I think you're wrong. Abby. I get them mixed up sometimes. Abby.
. Midgely..looking so peaceful.. . . Martha? We made up our minds. when his heart attack came.. He was a Baptist........and he sat there dead in that chair.to find that same peace.we would.. Just sit down. Twelve! Yes. All his kith and kin were dead.and he thought Mr..... . old gentleman. you see... . old men. let's see. .Now. And then. You mean. He was such a lonely. . Remember.. then and there. Tell me. . who was the first one? Mr.that if we could help other lonely. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. we all took him down to Panama. Abby thinks we should count the first one..... We felt so sorry for him.... So. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. Where were we? Twelve.. Never mind about that. Why.. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. you poor.. dear.
.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.. dear. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. for a gallon of elderberry wine. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. No.. Of course not! Well.... There.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic.. darling.... .. And then. Well...... so. . -Mortimer.. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. Should have quite a kick. . As a matter of fact.. just a pinch of cyanide. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . . dear.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine... What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. Wait a minute! Come here.because we know exactly what's to be done..in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.
Everybody knows he's crazy. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Happy as a lark. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Winchell? No. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. He's wonderful.. We must get that cake frosted.. That'd be nice. Who can I call up? Dewey. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Don't worry about the cake. darling... I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. digging locks.He did? Well.. a sip of. Winchell's no good. I couldn't eat a thing. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman .. Singing away. La Guardia. Let me see. Teddy! Of course. Let me see.
yes. What's wrong? Look at your hair. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. Yeah. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. Brooklyn. -Run on home. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. . What'd you do. dark streak of light. please.on North Shore Road. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. I heard you whistle. I'll call you up tomorrow. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. you! Thought you were tall. Something's happened. -How do I look? -You look fine.
Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.. darling.. very important. we were married today. We've got to do something immediately. Elaine.If I could only tell you. A thing happened. Judge. You smell so nice. The police want to throw him into a state institution.. It's very. It's about Teddy. Judge. I've got to come over and see you right away. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. about Teddy. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. . but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Judge. -Go to bed. You better go home! -But. It won't wait until tomorrow. he's-It's his bugle blowing. I'll tell you why I called you. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. But it's a matter of life and.
Happy Dale. we're just setting the table for dinner. Don't like it. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. do sit down. I'm sorry. -My name's Gibbs.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. New York. It's a wonderful place. this would be a nice comfortable chair. we can get him to Happy Dale. -Well. I'm Miss Brewster. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. please. -All alone in the world? . How do you do? Come in. Doorbell's ringing. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. And this is my sister. Now. I understand you've got a room to rent. Operator? Give me long distance. dear. Do step in. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Another Miss Brewster.
but the cemetery's full of them.. I don't think I'll like it. That's right. -No. "A" Iike in "arsenic. The room's upstairs.. Well. we make this ourselves.-Well. -Do sit down. "D" Iike in "dig. -Thank you. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. skoal. Martha. .. Well." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. Please. I can see the headlines now. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Happy Dale. -Dale. I'd like to see the room. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. It's elderberry wine. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it." when you dig a lock. Well. you've come to just the right house.
People wouldn't understand. What I mean is. murdered. but you've given me an idea! Darling. madam. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned..but it's not only against the law. . you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What... Oh. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No.. Not that. He wouldn't understand.. Don't do that. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. it's wrong..Hello.. I'm nervous. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . I'm not drunk.
Witherspoon. dear. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Thank you.-.. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Oh. Oh. . if your mind is made up. thanks. Bonaparte. Thank you. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. Brewster. That's too bad.. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. operator.and it would lead to trouble. How do you do. Witherspoon. please. Brewster? How are you? Mr. Mr. do you-I'm fine. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. we want to commit him there immediately. if he thought that-Mr. Witherspoon speaking.What? All right.That's amazing. Mr. I see. Well. Well. Yes. Mr. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. . Of course... Witherspoon. Well. now. dear. And if-Oh. Mr.
don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. darling. dear. don't you? Yes. You know I'd do anything for you. I love you both very much. dear. . -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner.Another Roosevelt. I can't concentrate. Get off that thing.. Well. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. I want you to do one thing for me. What on earth could happen to us? Well. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. we'd have to know what it was first.. but I want you to promise me something. I can't talk to you. -But.. I mean. like good girls.. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. you'll do that little thing for me. Anyway. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Mortimer. Oh. Now listen... I'll sing with you. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. Whosit where he is. darling.
Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. that's right. The poor dears. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. cab! Here you are. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. Why? He's just been married.I'll dance with you. What? Stop that. You promise? Good. You know. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Yes. anything. Shame! Such a nice hat. Sure. I'm so happy for Elaine. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. I'll sit with you! Yeah. -Don't open it. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. What is it? Mr. Remember. I can go faster that way. well. . Oh.
-Let me look. The family must still live here. It's two men. dear. As a boy. A fatted calf?. Look. they're strangers to me. There's one up in my room. Yes. -Are you sure? -Yes. doctor. As if we were expected. This is the home of my youth. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. I'll go. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. and I've never seen them before. it's a good hideout. . We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Johnny. -Do you recognize them? -No. we'll need another hymnal. Come in. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Johnny. I'm so hungry. Drink. Johnny.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. -You look. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal.
You just get out of here.. his voice is like Jonathan's. so don't pretend you are.. Dr.. Jonathan. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. ... Your nephew. He's a plastic surgeon. But I've seen that face before.A good omen. And you.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. You're nothing like Jonathan. Aunt Martha. you're not. Why. Einstein is responsible for that. .. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan..that Grandma Brewster bought in England. It's Jonathan. No.. Aunt Martha. Have you been in an accident? My face. .. you know. still the high collar.
...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.
The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.
I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--
No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?
-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.
They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Four feet wide.. I could be disagreeable. . Spenalzo along. . And it just fits Mr. We'll get the car and after they're in bed. See the hole he's digging.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. -Down here. I don't have to go into details. That's hospitality. I forgot to tell you. Spenalzo in through the door. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. Bed.. Spenalzo. Rather a good joke on my aunts. six feet long.. we'll bring him in through the window. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. as a boy.You remember that. Come here. we can't just walk Mr. How do we get him in here? Yes. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.... Quick.. It would not be pleasant for any of us if. We expect to be very busy.
General Goethals was very pleased. And he's been so patient. A state secret? Yes. a state secret. He said the canal was just the right size. Teddy. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. there's been another yellow-fever victim. You'd better get to bed. Hoskins? Mr. Promise? You have the word of the President . I don't want to leave it in the street. the poor dear. No.We're moving the car behind the house. The car is all right where it is until morning. Hoskins downstairs right away. What are we going to do about Mr. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. That might be against the law. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. we must keep it a secret. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. I think Teddy had better take Mr.
But you must be very tired. You two run along to bed. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. We're bringing the luggage through here. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy... Hoskins! My goodness! That's right.when I turn out the lights. Now. Now get along. considering that he's a Methodist. And then.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. ... We've never had yellow fever there before.. And we'll come down later and hold services. Your room is waiting for you. he's really very nice looking. Cross my heart and hope to die. when everything's dark here. . You just come right along and see him now. You know. You can go right up... I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. you were out. Both of you..of the United States. . -And we don't go to bed this early. I've never even seen Mr. let's see. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. It seems to be spreading.
-It's time I came home to take care of you. Just off the laboratory. -I'll be right up. All right. we'll all go to bed. and I'll stay here and pull. He's all right. And then together we take him down to Panama. -All right. You go round and hand him through. Now. Aunt Abby. Aunt Abby. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Now! Turn out the lights. Johnny. Aunt Martha. I'll come back later. We must be quick. You go outside and push. For the instruments. Yeah. you open the window. Take the bags upstairs. Where am l? Here I am. . But he's too heavy for me. Run along. Doctor. When I tap on the glass. I'll take a look around outside the house. It's dark in here. I'll open the window. Good night.
somebody's at the door. -But his shoe came off. -Be careful. I'll manage Spenalzo. I'm a brand-new Brewster. He's so heavy. wait a minute. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Allez. Help me. Doctor! . Hand him over. I'm not very used to it. Now I've got him! Johnny. Now I got him. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. wait a minute. I live next door.Who left this open? Okay. I mean. Go. Help me. Now I have him. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Mortimer. Now I have him. up! Now. it's Brewster. quick. You lost a leg somewhere. Go open. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. He's so heavy.
May I present Dr. -You're Jonathan. Now that I know who you are. You don't live here.It's all right. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. And something of a magician." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. I'm in this house every day. -You've heard of me? -Yes. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. Einstein? Dr. I've never seen you before.. that's all.. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. It's okay. "That explains everything..l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. We happen to live here.. they talk about you. . That explains everything. .
It's going to be a private funeral. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. that's all! I see. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Is that why you came over here? No. a sneak thief.I suppose it was you. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. -What else did you see? -Just that. I came to see Mortimer. Go back to your room. No visitors. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. But if he's not home. Alice. the cellar. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. Charge! Doctor. . No! Don't be a tomboy. I'll run--You've given two names.
.-We'll call the police. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember... Go back to your room. -Mortimer. "I've come back home. Einstein. Mortimer.." Listen.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Jonathan! -I've come back home. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer. Mortimer. I talk.. darling. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. -What? I've come back home.. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. it talks! Yes. -I'll handle this. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. he--Wait a minute. . Mortimer.. . Mortimer.
I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Einstein to stay. . Here's $10. just a moment. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. -In fact. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. We don't take up much room. -What? -Just for tonight. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat.. I remember. Now look. be a good fellow. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat.. No.. Please. Nothing to. I'm staying here from now on. I'm staying here tonight.Yeah. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. We invited Jonathan and Dr. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. Now.
in just a little while. What? What's going to happen to Mr. Johnny. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. Don't bring anyone else in here. I'll take care of you. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Wait! Who's this Mr. -Killed? Aunt Abby. I've completely lost track of Mr. Spenalzo. -Oh. Elaine. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. . I'll tell you about him. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Spenalzo. darling? -I almost got killed. Doctor. you know what I do to people who order me around. Mortimer. Now.Mortimer. that. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. beat it! It's all right. While we are packing. Mr.
I'm here now. I got things to do... . look. . -You'd better run along home. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Darling.. Forget it... I can't hear the man. We were married today. Well. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. He's some kind of a maniac.. a taxi's waiting.your brother tries to strangle me. I'm afraid of him. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. Well.-It was worse than that.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. Witherspoon.. we were going over Niagara Falls. Brewster. -But--Please. Yes. please.. . don't worry about it. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. Mr. I don't understand you.
I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. I know it's late. of course? By the doctor? Oh. Teddy. windowseat.I've got the papers all drawn up. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. wedding ring. Let me think about this thing. Thank you.. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. . taxi. well. Yeah. Doctor. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.put them in a barrel. signature. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please.... . come right away. darling. darling.. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. By the way. I'll get both signatures.
I did. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins. he's mistaken. Hoskins! -By the way. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. where is Mr. you come in here now! Yes. Hoskins in the windowseat. Yes. dear. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. Mr. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. . Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama.No. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. You admitted you put Mr. It is not Mr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet.
dear.He's down there waiting for the services. Don't. Listen. you admit you poisoned them! Yes.. And I've also decided that you're leaving. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there.. I did. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. I'm in no mood to debate the question. I've decided that we're staying. Martha. Are you getting out. handsome. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. what with Jonathan in the house. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. . Oh. Mortimer. No. poor dear. you come straight along here.. We haven't had a minute. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. and I mean now.
And he's taking Dr. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Listen. -No! Come in.. Come right in. in that case.Aunt Abby. Officer. darling. Jonathan. You're my brother. This is our nephew. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. You can't ask for more than that. Jonathan is leaving. do come in. I've got some very good news for you. Remember. Spenalzo can happen to you. Well? All right. Mortimer. -Pleased to meet you. what happened to Mr.. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Don't reach for the telephone. I'll have to call the police. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. too. I owe you an apology. -Yes. Put down that telephone.. -And this is another nephew. you're a Brewster. . -Pleased to make your acquaintance. -Glad to see you. Einstein and that cold companion with him.
I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. I got to ring in. Officer O'Hara. If you don't leave here. Mr. All three of you: you. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas.Your face is familiar. Dr. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Einstein and Spenalzo. This is your last chance. -I'll be running along. but I can't spell them. well. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. You can tell me all about it. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. . Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. I'm working on a play now. Spenalzo. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. I can spell like the dickens. You are? Well.
Two old ladies as a front. you lose your head. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Please! Doctor. No. Just give me one moment. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Then if he tries to interfere-No. let's go. Now get going! All three of you. take it easy. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Johnny. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Please. Okay. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. We're not going. Look. Come. We can make a fortune. We've got a wonderful setup here. we're coming back here. But we've got trouble enough as it is. We're sleeping right here in this house. Right with you. I never did like Mortimer. please.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Johnny. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. O'Hara. no. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. After that.
Yes. we got an ace in the hole. -My mother was an actress. You stay out of this.. -You're not going? -No. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes..in the cellar. -Swell. -I don't know. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. Mortimer. If you tell O'Hara . you asked for it. -Excuse me. rehash it. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -I like the first act. Well. I worked on it for 12 years. We're not going. All right. -Legitimate? Of course. Move fast. She was my mother. It's no fly-by-night idea. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you.. I'll be back in a minute. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. Well.
You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. Lowbrows. You'd better ring in. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. I'll meet you there later. I assure you.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. This opening will kill you... Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Bohemian atmosphere. . Genius at work. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me..what's in the windowseat..
Yes. Did he look guilty! Well. I expect to find you gone.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.Look. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. Well. And speaking of services. You haven't.... You won't stand me up. doctor. You've got to take him with you! . Martha. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. -Can't wait! Doctor. Where are those papers? There they are. you ring in and I'll see you later. You're smug. will you? This is a great play. aren't you? You think you've got it over me.. Jonathan.. When I come back. We thought we heard you leave. -I'll see you down there. dear aunties... Perish the thought. . The moment the doctor signs. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. I think we can start the services now. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. Where do you.... Wait for me! We'll wait for him. That was just Mortimer. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo.
Twelve graves. You mean. -But Mr. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -Your gentlemen? Yes. They're both dead. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins is no stranger. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Mr. Hoskins--Mr. The cellar's crowded already. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. He must mean Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. what we've been doing is a mercy. Why. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Spenalzo. Besides. Doctor.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. there's no room for Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Hoskins. It's one of our charities. . And he's no friend of Mortimer's. -He's one of our gentlemen. Mr.
one in Melbourne. . Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes 13. 12... You cannot count him.. Phoenix? -The filling station.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful... they got 12. Spenalzo.. Spenalzo out of here. Then the first one in London.So you just take your Mr. Arizona. You got 12. -Filling. one in Sydney. .. they got 12. -No. Don't brag.. -Thirteen.. Two in Johannesburg.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. one in Phoenix.. .two in San Francisco. There's Mr. Johnny. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. You've done all that. What? You got 12... and they do just as good as you do. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.. .. You cannot count the one in South Bend. I've got 13. He died of pneumonia..
. This is most irregular... I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. And I've a pretty good idea who it is.. Just one more. . .l'm sure you'd be convinced. All I need is one more.. Gilchrist. -You wait here. I know Teddy blows bugles. Pull up a tombstone. They are.. That's all.The old ladies is just as good as you are. I'll be right back. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. but only you can help me. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. seeing a doctor. but I can't commit a man just on that. Make yourself comfortable.. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. If you'd talk with him. Dr. -You better wait. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. are they? Well. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. -Who? What? Did I say. that's easily taken care of.
So far. with a Maxim silencer. Not so good. No. It wouldn't fit me. President.50! Oh. of course I love you. is it not? Yes. may I present--Dr. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. -Do you? -Yes. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. Welcome to Washington." $22. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. . It gives me a chance to rest. Well now. -Mr. $22. thanks. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling.-Hey. so good. Five more bucks and you'll own it. the meter! "Looks good on me.50! -What? $22. Certainly. indeed. looks good on you! Not the suit. The doctor would like to have a few words with you.50. yes. darling. that's that.
This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. I probably should have told you this before. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. darling.. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. I can't go through with our marriage. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. I don't quite know. Darling. I love you so much. I'll run for a third term.well. -What are you talking about? -Well. that doesn't mean-No.. . but it's only a matter of time. It practically gallops... Just because Teddy's strange. that's ancient history.. -That's what you think. It's way back before Teddy.. if the country insists. -Of course. Doctor. but you see.. insanity runs in my family. . Darling. but I won't be elected.
go to bed! . you better stop it. aren't they? They're the sweetest. That's the way I love you. even they have their peculiarities. -Those papers. no. Aunt Abby.Darling. Goodbye. Just go on signing the papers. drop in to see me at the White House. but kiss me. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. There's no use doing what you're doing. I'm crazy too. Thank you. all this doesn't prove a thing. Anytime you're in Washington.. It'll just have to be undone. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. No. Ambassador. sanest people I've ever known.. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that.. Look at your aunts. So you're crazy. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. They're Brewsters. Well. What of it? So your family's crazy. -Go away. I.
. You're forgetting.. If Jonathan and Mr. This is all fixed up nice now. -Oh. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. I'll get them out. You know.we're going for the police.. Doctor. Martha and I are going for the police. let him. Hoskins and Mr. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. .. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. All right. Spenalzo in together. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. Bed feels good already. Nice and smooth like a lake. . Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning.
It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Doctor. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. You can see that it's got to be done. My brother. No. Okay. I think. perhaps. Doctor. Mortimer. Johnny. We'll do it tomorrow.-Remember. I know that look. what? . huh? The quick twist like in London. the Melbourne method. can't you? Yeah. No! I am tired. But the quick way. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Not the Melbourne method. go to bed. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. You are going to operate tomorrow. But Johnny. You forget. Look at me. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Or the next day. I think this calls for something special. we'll do it. no police! No police! Look. Okay. I just heard him upstairs. Doctor.
A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. President. I can't hear you. Mr. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Boy. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. Oh. Mr. President. Yes. Mr. -Of course. I see! Very clever. President. Get out! -Stop underplaying. -Please listen to me. This must be secret. -I'll put on my signing clothes. So I have. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. What a load off my mind. . Mr. Don't do that. President. will you. You already have them on.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Wait here. please? -What? Speak up. mice? -You get out of this house. I can't hear you. Johnny's in a bad mood. Get out. Hey. Mr. What is it. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Brewster.
. You take care of yourself. Don't those plays you see all the time . please. .Are you really a doctor? Yes. little fellow. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. -That's mine. look. Please. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. -I could use that. Stop it. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that.he's a madman.. You beat it before things start popping around here. but you go now. Please go now. when Johnny's in that mood. Horrible things.. 1919. Mr. I'll take care of him.. Please listen to me. Doc-. -What's that? Wait. Only for dramatic critics. -My schnapps. Please.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. You've just been married. Get going. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. But. Heidelberg. He's a maniac! And then things happen. Brewster.
. There's a play that's so bad. Witherspoon. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it.. Isn't that great? So there he is. And does he go? No. He's even been warned to get out.. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. he doesn't.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. . have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. When you get out of prison. At least people in plays act like they got sense. Now listen to this. it'll still be running when you get out. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. There's a man. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. The murderer even invites him to sit down.
were you out of my mind. . you may consider that a blessing. but does he? No! See. for me. . Johnny. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer... Now get a load of this. my dear brother. brother Heidelberg.. All he has to do is look around. Please. Yes. Now. I've been away for 20 years. Mortimer.. . In Melbourne one night. He wasn't very bright. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged.. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. This fellow's supposed to be bright...a fellow never sees or hears anything. Doctor. the quick way. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. That's right. I dreamt of you. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Look at the attitude.we go to work. in a play or even in a movie.. Later on. But never.
Pull yourself together. there was some wine. -Please. Where are your manners? Yes. Where did they put it? I found some wine. dead brother. We drink to you. Here. Please! All right. That's all. But I cannot see this without the drink.-This must be an artistic achievement. You remember when we came in. And then they took it. After all. Mortimer. One moment. That idiot! -He goes next. please. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. To my dear. Let's get it over with. I'll split it with you. We both have a drink before we operate.
. -What happened to him? -Nothing. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. yes! If it has to be. The quick way. I'll help you. then the quick way. out of a clear sky.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in.-We'll get to him later. In the second act.. Like a flash. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. Yeah. I see. The quick way. It's all right. They practically stole that from my play. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up... Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. We're taking the bugle away from him.. I'd better talk to him myself. . sure.
That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. It's an evolving stage.He says. in the meantime. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. -It's probably over his head. . I'm walking along my beat.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. a fire breaks out.. there's me. casual-like. It's getting you.. Growing into a magnificent specimen. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry.. .. All of a sudden. please.. Well. -What? -I personally like it very much.. see? Little do I know it. The scene changes. I'm in great danger. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. My mother doesn't say they're married. "Miss Peaches La Tour. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. You ain't heard nothing yet.
Brewster's brother. The neighbors are phoning in. boys. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. That's the one that ran away. Did they send you here? No..braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. . Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.when a guy that I'm following. -Johnny. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Now.. The Lieutenant's on the warpath.. -I heard him. -There's a vacant house on the corner.. Get me Mac. I figures I'll outsmart him.. so I pulls out my gun. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. we came to warn the old ladies. . My play put him to sleep. who the heck is this? Mr... So he came back. this is Mortimer Brewster. Brophy. -He's going to help me write my play. He says we've got to put him away someplace. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. Right in the middle of the second act.
I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. . Shall we bring him in? All right. Be careful what you say. -Come down to the cellar. charming old ladies. -Wait a minute. So I've been turned in? All right. I better let them know that I found you. Brewster. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. you've got me. Yes. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. -I'll show them to you. Brewster. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Your aunts are friends of ours. The Lieutenant is on his way over. 13. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. It wasn't that bad. Thirteen bodies. At the Brewster house. Leave him to me. Mr. Mr. don't you? Well. You think my aunts are sweet. we'll hold him right here. We found him.
Don't bother me now. Pat. Such a fine day. Well. You could use this in the third act. -Yes. look. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. that's enough. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. That's enough. . Let me tell you-I'll see you later. come to the cellar. Amazing. Pat. -Go on down the cellar with him. Go on and fight. Look out! Fight. too. He looks like Boris Karloff. Everybody off.I'll show you where they're buried. please. look out! Amazing. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. I got something better. -Go to the cellar with him. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. I got him.
Isn't that amazing? Oh. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara.The papers are all signed. -Witherspoon. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. dear. please. brother. Wish I could relax like that. What do I care? Go ahead.. Get him. I've tried it before-It did.. . Boris.. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Pat. That won't have any effect. Telephone. Don't do that. That's fine. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. fight. Turn him over. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. -Come in. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Thank you very much. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well.
he's wanted. That's the way they described him. Now go on.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. pal.. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. That's my brother." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. He's a lifer. The guy who helped him escape.. He's wanted. .. You're going to have a long time on that play.you can at least read short detective stories.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. "He looked like Karloff. Certainly. He says 13 bodies are there. You're suspended. too. . .. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.. Report in. About my not ringing in..
With flatheads like you on the force. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. I'm Mortimer Brewster. you. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. No. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. . keep out of that. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. -Hey. Colonel. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar.Here. Howdy. I want to question him. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. -Questioning of spies is my department. This is a spy. you've blown your last bugle. Nothing to eat. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. Take him out and bring him to. We caught him at the White House. Colonel. No sleep. But I'm not myself today.
started a murder rumor. Just a minute. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Captain. -As long as he's going someplace. I have come to get a Brewster. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. . -I'm waiting for Mr. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. I'm liable to think anything. Read this. No arguments. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. No arguments. Look. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Witherspoon. There's people dumb enough to believe that. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium.You're his brother. take it easy. Last year there was a crazy guy. Any offers? I'm Mr. I know just how you feel. He's got to be put away. no argument.
it's chicanery. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Let me explain. Never mind! Give me that pen. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Now. I'm so glad to see you. all I got to get is Witherspoon. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Brewster? Mr. This is fun. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. He's ready to talk. -That's fine. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Witherspoon is here.Mr. That's all right! Do that again for me. -Hold him till I get there. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. .
-That's good.. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. this is Mr. Taxicabs. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. I shan't mind. you know-Captain. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. -The woods are full of them. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. Why? To take him away? Never. it's a play. We always.. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully.And no wagon when he leaves. I have one waiting now. You know. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. . I sometimes envy some of our patients. never. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. Witherspoon. I've never been there. secretly. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No.. You never can tell. It means a great deal to me. Something I've been working on. You do? It must be a nice place.
your guide to Africa... Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Mr. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Now you can take him away. President? Taft! No. my boy. all signed. Goodbye. Happy man. I must get started immediately. -Is this March 4? -Practically.. Witherspoon. this isn't Mr. It's Mr. I'll bring down my equipment. Let's see. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. I have good news for you. This is Captain Rooney. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. President.-Come. Taft. Your term of office is over. Aunt Martha. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Mr. you got it wrong. -What is this? No. Aunt Abby. I'm on my way to Africa.
No. haven't you? No. we're going. -We won't be separated from Teddy. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. -I'm sorry. I've got it. You could arrange that. . -If he's going. We promise to take his bugle away from him. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. but impossible. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Too dangerous. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. You've come to meet Teddy. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Why not? Why not. How can you allow this? You promised. Oh. he can't go now! We won't permit it. he's come to take him. dear. ladies. Now. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn.It's all right. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. let's be sensible. too! -Yes. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. indeed? It's sweet of them. jealousy. you'll have to take us with him. Dissension.
The graves are all marked. you wouldn't have to dig. What? Yes. .and we'll get them all together. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.It ain't only his bugle blowing. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. and we'll send them to Happy Dale.. -I'll tell you what we'll do. .. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself.. No. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. -I'll look in that cellar. He's been a little strange all day.. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. You just ask our nephew. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. -How about it? -I'll be right there. Mortimer. Things are going to get worse. And there are hundreds more up in the attic.
. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. Where are they? . I put neon lights on mine.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Teddy committed himself. If we can go with Teddy.. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better.-We put flowers on them every Sunday.. "There is a Happy Dale far. None of mine are gentlemen. There's one down there. -He got married today. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Humor them. -You mustn't mind him at all.. we'll sign the papers. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. It's amazing. Hasn't got it yet. . -Certainly. -Flowers? Sure. a Mr. Spenalzo. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. Smile. humor them.
Dr.I have them. -Come here. Maybe I can understand him. Just sign right here. ladies. . The neighborhood here has changed so. -Were you leaving. Doctor. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Doctor. Oh. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. dear. Come along. please. here. Sign them up. A doctor. Dr. Yes. I'm going out to talk to that spy. please. I'm really looking forward to going. We've overlooked something. Ladies. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Doctor? -Yes. right here. I'm so sorry. -Here? -Yes. -Good night. Einstein. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. -A doctor? -Yes. if you'll sign right here. Dr. Now. will you? I want this all cleaned up. please. It's on the right-hand side there. please.
Doc. Read it to me. Poses as a doctor. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. His accomplice's description is on the circular. I'm Brewster. It's your turn. Mac. The doctor has completed the signatures. Mr. It's contagious. Thanks. Don't mind me. Hello. It's all right. on the desk. But Dr. . Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. yes. That's great! Thanks. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Einstein! -Now. One hundred and forty pounds.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. You've done Brooklyn a great service. will you? About 40. Mac. Pop eyes. Okay. Mr. Witherport. Five-foot-three. You sign as next of kin. Talks with a German accent. -Don't play games--You sign.
you know? And bring along my bugle. you signed as next of kin. darling. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. Einstein--But it's not his signature. darling. Duffel? Pack his duffel. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. We're very happy about the whole thing. We don't want anything to go wrong. He's President. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. President. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. -Well. -What. -Mine? You see. And you were born . Come up and pack my duffel. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. -Me too. darling? -Martha. of course. dear. dear. -What's wrong about that. you tell him. Now. Mortimer. -It's yours. don't be worried. -Here.-Spoon. Well. but that's just it.
I really did see-- . So brother married her.. Your real father was a cook.we didn't want to lose her. It's true. They're off to a flying start. too.. -Goodbye.about three months afterwards. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. Quiet! -But. . Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine.. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.
and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Brewster! I'm not a Brewster.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. love. Yes. Mortimer. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. We're going to Niagara Falls. dear. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. But. Call me a cab. I'm a son of a sea cook. its operators. Mr.
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue listening from where you left off, or restart the preview.