Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

... I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer." either....should take any man's daughter anyplace. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. dear.Their old man left them fixed for life.. Bless you..they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.. Sister Martha and I are so happy. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. He used to come to see us only occasionally. You'd be surprised . Brophy... at any time. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. He's so very much in love with her. watch your language. . Remember now. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. Don't you call them "the girls. .. .he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. and now. You know I'm not a swearing man..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.. I must be catching cold...but no man with this published attitude.... Reverend Harper. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.. . No..

-So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. How do you do. Brophy? . sir? It's nice to meet you. Splendid! Thank you. That's splendid work you men do. I'll go. by the library door.what they'd consider swearing. -How do you do. we have nothing to report. This is Officer O'Hara. we came for the toys. -Come right in. At ease. Teddy. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Brophy. Harper from the church next door? Hello. You get tired of playing cards. The toys are on the chair up here. Gentlemen. the new man on the beat. absolutely nothing to report. He's taking over my beat. This is Officer O'Hara. You know the Reverend Dr. what news have you brought me? Colonel. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. Will you excuse me? No. dear. Thank you. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. no. gentlemen. They're all packed. -Miss Abby. Teddy. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. Mr. No.

.'s because I've known the Brewster sisters. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless..and the neighbors raised Cain. still. I promised I wouldn't swear. thank you... Gentlemen. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. Father. Now don't do that again.. You've done so much already. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. They're afraid of him... Reverend. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.She's better. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Please don't bother.. I'll make a note. He's an interesting character. But a little weak. Teddy. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Isn't it a shame. That's right... Sarge. Isn't it a shame. ..

isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. you're back. Dismissed! . Colonel. -Now. The Army and Navy are ready for action.Well. Hey. Miss Brewster. this is grand. Brophy. -Don't mention it. Teddy. No. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you.. and thank you very much. put it back. Martha. Officer O'Hara. -These are lovely. how do you do? Miss Martha.. -Reverend. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. -How do you do? -Good afternoon.. Here's the broth for Mrs. It'll make a lot of kids happy. -Thank you. Sarge. He's taking over my duties. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. -The children will go crazy. it goes to Australia. dear. Be sure it's good and hot. now. -Not at all. So long. You bet I will. Colonel. Yes. Thank you.

Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. Young man. -Don't mention it. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. -Well..-Goodbye and thank you.. -Careful of the step with the toys. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Goodbye. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. and what's more important.. I must be going. Yes. indeed. if he's happy.. Do you remember.. Martha? Once. -Good night. a long time ago. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. That is quite a problem. and we suggested it.. let that be a lesson to might be a change for him.... Well. . you're happy. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. .

too. sweet Reverend Harper. go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. I didn't know when you'd be back. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place.. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. and Reverend Harper was coming. Did you just have tea? Yes. -I got along fine. . I do believe he's beginning to see the light. I'm sure we needn't worry about him.. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. I just couldn't wait for you. You know. Dear. why? Good news for you. There wasn't time. And dinner's going to be late. So. And I was all alone. dear. dear. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. -I'll run right downstairs and see.. -But all by yourself. Martha.

He did? What did he say? -He was against it. right out here with everyone looking.. -You ain't seen anything yet. -It's Elaine! -Hello. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Please! For heaven's sake! But. There they are. Mortimer. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Here's your hat. -Take her hat. you're going to love me . Mortimer. I don't like that look in your eyes. -You've got to drive us to the station.. If you find her hairpins. -But that was only Sunday. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. Just throw it. And her brooch.Well? Just look in the windowseat. Wait a minute. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. Hold on to that. keep them. But. buddy. -But. darlings..

the bridal suite in the hotel. I started packing the day after I met you. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. No.. I can handle Father. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. Yes. Go on. you see! You see? That's what I mean. .. He's a dear. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. hurry and pack.for my mind. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. don't tell your father.. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. Look. Mortimer! " You better get used to it.. There's that look again! "There's that look again. I don't have to. too? One thing at a time. That's what I hate about women. We've a room on the train.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. You should've seen my secretary's face.. It goes just before this. You'll see it often. . There. darling...

I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. Elaine and I are married. hurry. Grand Central Station. darling. Did you send those roses to Mrs. And throw in a flock . here. We're married. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster. Hurry. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Brewster? Good. Oh. dark streak of light. What? Now? No. Isn't it too. -It'll be a few minutes. -Whistle when you're ready. If you see a tall. you two old frauds. it's me. When you whistle. Hold on to your bustles. -Father may want to pray over me. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. open the front door fast. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either.

you've got the nicest nephew in the world. -You won't have time to bake a cake. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. You know how your books upset him. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world.of orange blossoms. a wedding cake. I'll run along and get everything ready. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. Of course. It's all ready. dear. of course. I'm going to burn all my books. Did everybody know I was getting married. A taxi's waiting. We're going to Niagara Falls. we can have our celebration. But before you go. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. Oh. -And. too. . Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. Well.

Really? A honey of a lunatic. Oh. thank you. Just bully. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Goodbye.Now you behave. Mr. "Oh. I saw a play. He'd scare grownups with it. Mr. had a character in it. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. My. goodbye. dear! . reminded me of Jonathan. Mortimer! -How are you. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. you know. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. I'm off to Panama. Yes. I know. what a face! I remember now. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. dear. President. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Hello. President? -Bully. Isn't it wonderful? Well. A new lock for the canal.

When Teddy's working on the canal. Now. We know. darling! Never mind that now. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. I'm frightfully sorry. Yes. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. At once! -He's in the cellar. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. mister. -There's no such hurry as that. you can't get his mind on anything else. what a play. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. Teddy's killed a man. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. darlings. dear. listen. look. .Yeah. but I've got an awful shock for you. -You know? -Of course. The next thing-Hey. When the curtain goes up. Get him up here now. Well. That's after we're gone. dear. darlings. Yes. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations.

You mean you. it has a distinct odor. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. Adam Hoskins. dear. Wait! Stop all this. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. Hoskins. He died first. That's really all I know about him. When it's in tea. Now look. men just don't get into windowseats and die.. You put it in the wine? . Mortimer.. What the. No.. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. You just forget about it.Now. don't be so inquisitive. how did he die? Mortimer.. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Aunt Martha. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Who is he? He's a Mr. except that he's a Methodist..

Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Now. Hoskins in the windowseat. darling... You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. We must do that. tomorrow or next day. Schultz.Yes. but this time we'll go where we want to go. The dears.because Reverend Harper was coming. She's much better. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. Abby. Mortimer. That wouldn't have been very nice.. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. you know all about it and just forget about it. not at tea. Look at me.. And I put Mr. . They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. It's first-degree. Yes.

dear. -We can't turn you over to the police. dear. -We'll let you lick the bowl. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Teddy's down in the cellar now. We don't intend to. Mortimer. it is. Aunt Martha. Look. you behave. Now. I know what his name is. Whatever his name is. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes.. I want to know what we're going to do. digging the lock. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -But Mr.Yes.. -Stop worrying about it. here. dear. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. Hoskins. don't be so impatient. Mr. Mortimer. Hodgekiss--Hoskins.. They have so much fun. You're going to bury Mr. dear. We told you to forget the whole thing. . you can't leave him in there. That's what we did with the others. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. You can't.

keep your shirt on! Elaine. dear. I really don't think you should count the first one. Abby usually is. Makes it 12. because I remember when Mr.. No. isn't it. . I didn't mean-- . what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. I think you're wrong. When you say "others. Abby? No.. Let me see now. It does? Well. Abby." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Hello. and that makes it 12. This makes 12. dear.-Others? -The other gentlemen. This one is only 1 1 . she's probably right. dear. I was counting the first one. For heaven's sake. But. Abby. Hoskins first came in. I get them mixed up sometimes. dear. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. dear. This is 1 1. occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen..

Tell me. Never mind about that. old men..and he sat there dead in that chair. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.. And then...Now. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. He was such a lonely.. ... Just sit down.... then and there.and he thought Mr. Where were we? Twelve..looking so peaceful.. ... Abby thinks we should count the first one.. . you poor.... Twelve! Yes. old gentleman. He was a Baptist... we all took him down to Panama. dear... We felt so sorry for him. who was the first one? Mr. Teddy came up from digging in Panama...we would.. Why. Midgely. Martha? We made up our minds. You mean. find that same peace.that if we could help other lonely. So. . .. when his heart attack came. let's see... you see. . All his kith and kin were dead. .

darling.. so... Should have quite a kick.. for a gallon of elderberry wine..because we know exactly what's to be done. Of course not! Well.. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.... .. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.. . -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it..then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. . And then. dear. Well... one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " ..l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. As a matter of fact... There. -Mortimer. dear.. .. No. just a pinch of cyanide...and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.. Wait a minute! Come here.

I couldn't eat a thing. Winchell? No. digging locks.. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number.. Let me see. Don't worry about the cake. That'd be nice. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. Happy as a lark. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. La Guardia.. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. a sip of. darling. Winchell's no good. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. Everybody knows he's crazy. Teddy! Of course.He did? Well.. Singing away. Let me see. Who can I call up? Dewey.. He's wonderful. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. We must get that cake frosted. What am I doing with tickets? Information.

I heard you whistle. What's wrong? Look at your hair. -How do I look? -You look fine. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. dark streak of light. you! Thought you were tall. Yeah. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. Brooklyn. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi.on North Shore Road. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. -Run on home. yes. please. I'll call you up tomorrow. What'd you do. . Something's happened.

It's very.. It won't wait until tomorrow. darling. Judge. -Go to bed. Judge. The police want to throw him into a state institution.. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. We've got to do something immediately. I've got to come over and see you right away. It's about Teddy. Elaine. I'll tell you why I called you. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. A thing happened. .If I could only tell you. we were married today. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. about Teddy. he's-It's his bugle blowing.. very important. You better go home! -But. Judge. You smell so nice. But it's a matter of life and.

How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. How do you do? Come in. Another Miss Brewster. I'm Miss Brewster. -Well. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. -All alone in the world? . -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. -My name's Gibbs. please. Operator? Give me long distance. this would be a nice comfortable chair. I'm sorry. And this is my sister. we're just setting the table for dinner. Doorbell's ringing. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Don't like it. It's a wonderful place. I understand you've got a room to rent. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. New York. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Happy Dale. dear. Do step in. Now. do sit down. we can get him to Happy Dale.

"D" Iike in "dig. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes.-Well. but the cemetery's full of them. "A" Iike in "arsenic. I don't think I'll like it. -Do sit down.. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it.." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. I can see the headlines now. It's elderberry wine. -Thank you. I'd like to see the room. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. -No. That's right. Please. Martha. -Dale. we make this ourselves." when you dig a lock. skoal. The room's upstairs. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Well. Well.. you've come to just the right house. Happy Dale. . Well.

operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. madam.. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. Oh. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . . I'm nervous. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. Don't do that. Not that. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.Hello. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. What I mean is. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. I'm not drunk... you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. it's wrong... murdered.. but you've given me an idea! Darling..but it's not only against the law.

I see. Oh. That's too bad.. operator.That's amazing. Mr. Of course. Mr. How do you do. Thank you. Mr. Yes. do you-I'm fine. if he thought that-Mr. . now. Brewster? How are you? Mr.What? All right.and it would lead to trouble. Witherspoon. And if-Oh. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. we want to commit him there immediately. Well. Brewster... Mr.-. . Bonaparte. if your mind is made up. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. dear. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Witherspoon. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Well. thanks. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Well. Thank you.. please. dear. Oh. Witherspoon speaking. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Witherspoon.

you'll do that little thing for me. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. I'll sing with you. Oh. I love you both very much. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I can't talk to you. dear. don't you? Yes. . darling. -But.. You know I'd do anything for you.. I can't concentrate. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. I want you to do one thing for me. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. Anyway. Get off that thing. but I want you to promise me something. dear.Another Roosevelt. Mortimer... darling. Now listen. like good girls. What on earth could happen to us? Well. we'd have to know what it was first. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. Well.. I mean. Whosit where he is.. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you.

You know. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Why? He's just been married. that's right. . I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. Remember. The poor dears. What? Stop that. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. -Don't open it. I can go faster that way. What is it? Mr. anything. Sure. I'll sit with you! Yeah. well. Oh. You promise? Good. Yes. cab! Here you are. Shame! Such a nice hat.I'll dance with you. I'm so happy for Elaine.

. -Let me look. The family must still live here.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. we'll need another hymnal. dear. I'm so hungry. This is the home of my youth. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. A fatted calf?. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Look. Drink. There's one up in my room. Johnny. -Do you recognize them? -No. As a boy. It's two men. doctor. I'll go. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. it's a good hideout. and I've never seen them before. Come in. Johnny. -Are you sure? -Yes. -You look. Yes. As if we were expected. Johnny. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. they're strangers to me.

Aunt Martha. . Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. still the high collar. You just get out of here. Have you been in an accident? My hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. You're nothing like Jonathan.. But I've seen that face before.A good omen. Jonathan. Einstein is responsible for that. you know. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.... I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. He's a plastic surgeon. It's Jonathan... so don't pretend you are.. No. . .... his voice is like Jonathan's. Your nephew. Dr. Why. Aunt Martha. And you.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. you're not.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan...'s been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Four feet wide. Rather a good joke on my aunts. How do we get him in here? Yes. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Spenalzo.. Spenalzo along. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.. And it just fits Mr.. . I could be disagreeable. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. Bed. Come here... I forgot to tell you. we'll bring him in through the window. six feet long. That's hospitality. -Down here. we can't just walk Mr. See the hole he's digging. as a boy. We expect to be very busy. I don't have to go into details. . Quick.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. Spenalzo in through the door..You remember that.. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.

we must keep it a secret. Teddy. And he's been so patient. You'd better get to bed. That might be against the law. No. there's been another yellow-fever victim. I think Teddy had better take Mr. General Goethals was very pleased. What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General.We're moving the car behind the house. He said the canal was just the right size. The car is all right where it is until morning. Promise? You have the word of the President . A state secret? Yes. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. Hoskins? Mr. the poor dear. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. I don't want to leave it in the street. a state secret.

. considering that he's a Methodist. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn come up and take the poor man down to the canal. We're bringing the luggage through here.. let's see. when everything's dark here. .. And we'll come down later and hold services. Now. Now get along..of the United States. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. You just come right along and see him now. You know.when I turn out the lights. But you must be very tired. he's really very nice looking. . We've never had yellow fever there before. Both of you.. You two run along to bed. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. you were out. Your room is waiting for you. Cross my heart and hope to die.. .. -And we don't go to bed this early. You can go right up. I've never even seen Mr.. And then. It seems to be spreading.

We must be quick. Good night. You go round and hand him through. Take the bags upstairs. Aunt Martha. And then together we take him down to Panama. All right. Johnny. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. You go outside and push. It's dark in here. Run along. we'll all go to bed. But he's too heavy for me. you open the window. For the instruments. Now! Turn out the lights. I'll open the window. He's all right. Now. Aunt Abby. Just off the laboratory. Where am l? Here I am. Yeah.-It's time I came home to take care of you. I'll take a look around outside the house. I'll come back later. Doctor. and I'll stay here and pull. . Aunt Abby. -All right. When I tap on the glass. -I'll be right up.

Doctor! . I'll manage Spenalzo. Now I have him. You lost a leg somewhere. somebody's at the door. Go open. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. it's Brewster. up! Now. wait a minute. Help me. Now I got him. wait a minute.Who left this open? Okay. -Be careful. Hand him over. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Now I've got him! Johnny. Go. He's so heavy. I live next door. Help me. He's so heavy. Now I have him. I'm not very used to it. -But his shoe came off. I mean. quick. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Allez. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Mortimer.

Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. I've never seen you before. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. I'm in this house every day.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. And something of a magician. That explains everything. May I present Dr. -You're Jonathan.. Einstein? Dr.. . ... Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. they talk about you. Now that I know who you are. It's okay. "That explains everything." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. that's all.It's all right. We happen to live here. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. You don't live here. -You've heard of me? -Yes.

It's going to be a private funeral. I came to see Mortimer. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. No visitors. a sneak thief. Go back to your room. Charge! Doctor. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. No! Don't be a tomboy. I'll run--You've given two names. But if he's not home.I suppose it was you. Alice. Is that why you came over here? No. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. the cellar. that's all! I see. -What else did you see? -Just that. . You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes.

Mortimer. -What? I've come back home.-We'll call the police. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. -I'll handle this. .. Mortimer. Mortimer... -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. I talk. Do you hear me? Don't answer that. darling. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember. Einstein.. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer. Jonathan! -I've come back home. it talks! Yes.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.. he--Wait a minute. -Mortimer... What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. "I've come back home. Mortimer." Listen. . Go back to your room.

How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other.Yeah. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. just a moment. be a good fellow. We don't take up much room. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. -In fact. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. No. Nothing to. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. Now. I remember. Now look.. I'm staying here from now on. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. Please. We invited Jonathan and Dr.. Einstein to stay. I'm staying here tonight. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. Here's $10. -What? -Just for tonight. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.. .

Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Johnny. While we are packing. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Wait! Who's this Mr. Now. that. . Spenalzo. I'll tell you about him. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Mr. Don't bring anyone else in here. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. I've completely lost track of Mr. in just a little while. I'll take care of you. Mortimer. -Oh. Doctor. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. darling? -I almost got killed. Elaine. What? What's going to happen to Mr.Mortimer. Spenalzo. beat it! It's all right.

and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. a taxi's waiting.. I can't hear the man. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. Brewster. Witherspoon. . He's some kind of a maniac. Forget it.. . Mr.. I'm here now. I don't understand you. Well. please. we were going over Niagara Falls. look. -You'd better run along home. I'm afraid of him. Darling. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. Yes. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr..your brother tries to strangle me.-It was worse than that. . Well. We were married today. don't worry about it. I got things to do. -He was going to kill me! -Wait... -What? Go on home like a good girl... -But--Please. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster.

Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.I've got the papers all drawn up. . . holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. come right away..... I'll get both signatures.. well.put them in a barrel. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. By the way.. of course? By the doctor? Oh. wedding ring. taxi. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. Thank you. Doctor. Let me think about this thing. darling. signature. windowseat. I know it's late. Yeah. darling. Teddy. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here..

It is not Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. Hoskins. Hoskins in the windowseat. . dear. You admitted you put Mr. Hoskins! -By the way. where is Mr. Yes. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. you come in here now! Yes. he's mistaken. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Mr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. I did.No.

How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there.. Martha. Are you getting out. We haven't had a minute. Mortimer. and I mean now. I'm in no mood to debate the question. what with Jonathan in the house. I've decided that we're staying. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. . Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. Oh. handsome. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. No.. And I've also decided that you're leaving..He's down there waiting for the services. you come straight along here. I did. Don't. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. poor dear. dear. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Listen.

Spenalzo can happen to you. I'll have to call the police. Don't reach for the telephone. -Yes. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Jonathan is leaving. -Pleased to meet you. Come right in. too. Put down that telephone. Jonathan. -Glad to see you. Listen. Einstein and that cold companion with him. -Pleased to make your acquaintance.. you're a Brewster.. what happened to Mr. Officer. -No! Come in. do come in. I've got some very good news for you. I owe you an apology. And he's taking Dr. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Well? All right. .. Remember. Mortimer.Aunt Abby. darling. You can't ask for more than that. -And this is another nephew. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. You're my brother. This is our nephew. in that case.

You can tell me all about it. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. . but I can't spell them. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. If you don't leave here. Spenalzo. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. -I'll be running along. You are? Well. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. I can spell like the dickens.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. All three of you: you. well. I'm working on a play now. Mr. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. Einstein and Spenalzo. Dr. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I got to ring in.Your face is familiar. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. Officer O'Hara. This is your last chance. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen.

Look. Johnny. We're sleeping right here in this house. But we've got trouble enough as it is. We're not going. you lose your head. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Two old ladies as a front. After that. We can make a fortune. Please! Doctor. let's go. I never did like Mortimer. No. Only Mortimer stands in our way. Right with you. Please. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Now get going! All three of you. Just give me one moment. O'Hara. Johnny. we're coming back here. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. no. take it easy. We've got a wonderful setup here. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. please. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . Come. Okay.

-Peaches La Tour was her name.. I'll be back in a minute. Move fast. Mortimer. I worked on it for 12 years. Well. Well. -I don't know. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. If you tell O'Hara . -Legitimate? Of course. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told the cellar. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. -You're not going? -No. We're not going. She was my mother. -My mother was an actress. -I like the first act. you asked for it. All right. Yes. -Swell.. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. we got an ace in the hole. It's no fly-by-night idea. rehash it. You stay out of this.. -Excuse me.

Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.. ... Bohemian atmosphere. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. I assure you.what's in the windowseat. You'd better ring in. I'll meet you there later. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.. This opening will kill you. Lowbrows. Genius at work. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.

Did he look guilty! Well. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo.. Perish the thought.. You've got to take him with you! . And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. dear aunties. Martha. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Jonathan.Look.... I think we can start the services now. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. You won't stand me up. We thought we heard you leave. When I come back.. Yes. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. Well.... The moment the doctor signs. -I'll see you down there. you ring in and I'll see you later. You're smug.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. Where are those papers? There they are. That was just Mortimer. . aren't you? You think you've got it over me. doctor. I expect to find you gone. And speaking of services. Where do you. will you? This is a great play.. -Can't wait! Doctor. You haven't.

Why. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. It's one of our charities. They're both dead. -But Mr. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Twelve graves. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Besides. what we've been doing is a mercy. Hoskins--Mr. Doctor. -He's one of our gentlemen. Mr. Hoskins. Mr. He must mean Mr. The cellar's crowded already. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Hoskins is no stranger. there's no room for Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Spenalzo. . you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. You mean. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. -Your gentlemen? Yes.

. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world..and they stay right here in Brooklyn.. Don't brag. Spenalzo. Johnny.. they got 12. -No. they got 12.. You've done all that. . There's Mr.. You cannot count the one in South Bend. -Thirteen. Two in Johannesburg.two in San Francisco. Spenalzo out of here. He died of pneumonia. one in Melbourne. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend.. . and they do just as good as you do. Phoenix? -The filling station. -Filling. I've got 13..... one in Sydney. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. Arizona. That makes 13. 12..So you just take your Mr. What? You got 12. You cannot count him.. You got 12. one in Phoenix. Then the first one in London. ...right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful..

Just one more... seeing a doctor.l'm sure you'd be convinced. that's easily taken care of. Dr. Pull up a tombstone. They are. but only you can help me. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. -You better wait. are they? Well. .. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween.. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. Make yourself comfortable.The old ladies is just as good as you are. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. but I can't commit a man just on that. If you'd talk with him. -Who? What? Did I say. Gilchrist. I'll be right back. I know Teddy blows bugles. -You wait here. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. That's all. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies.. All I need is one more. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home.. This is most irregular. .. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out.

may I present--Dr. that's that. -Mr." $22. is it not? Yes. with a Maxim silencer. .-Hey. of course I love you. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. Not so good. Certainly. indeed. $22. President. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Welcome to Washington.50. Well now.50! -What? $22. looks good on you! Not the suit. thanks. -Do you? -Yes. yes. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. No. the meter! "Looks good on me. It gives me a chance to rest.50! Oh. so good. So far. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. It wouldn't fit me. darling.

but it's only a matter of time. Doctor.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. if the country insists. darling. It practically gallops. insanity runs in my family. Darling.well... but I won't be elected. I love you so much. that's ancient history. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. .. I probably should have told you this before. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. It's way back before Teddy. -What are you talking about? -Well. . That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. but you see. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Darling. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. I'll run for a third term. Just because Teddy's strange.. that doesn't mean-No. -Of course.. I don't quite know. -That's what you think.. I can't go through with our marriage..

sanest people I've ever known.Darling.. That's the way I love you. but kiss me. Thank you. Aunt Abby. I. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you.. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. you better stop it. There's no use doing what you're doing. drop in to see me at the White House. Just go on signing the papers. I'm crazy too. -Go away. no. Goodbye. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. go to bed! . Ambassador. Anytime you're in Washington. So you're crazy. even they have their peculiarities. It'll just have to be undone. Look at your aunts. Well. -Those papers. all this doesn't prove a thing. aren't they? They're the sweetest. They're Brewsters. No. What of it? So your family's crazy..

I'll get them out. Martha and I are going for the police. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. This is all fixed up nice now. Doctor.we're going for the police. . The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. let him. .. All right. Bed feels good already.. Spenalzo in together. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. -Oh. You know.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Nice and smooth like a lake. You're forgetting. Hoskins and Mr. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. If Jonathan and Mr..

Doctor. Okay. huh? The quick twist like in London. Not the Melbourne method. My brother.-Remember. go to bed. Johnny. I know that look. But Johnny. I think this calls for something special. You forget. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. Mortimer. You can see that it's got to be done. You are going to operate tomorrow. no police! No police! Look. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. But the quick way. not tonight! I'm sleepy. Or the next day. the Melbourne method. I just heard him upstairs. we'll do it. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. No! I am tired. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. No. perhaps. Doctor. can't you? Yeah. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Look at me. We'll do it tomorrow. Okay. I think. Doctor. what? .

-Please listen to me. Brewster. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. . Mr. Wait here. Get out! -Stop underplaying. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. This must be secret. I see! Very clever. Oh. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Yes. President. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. Johnny's in a bad mood. Mr. Mr. President. What is it. mice? -You get out of this house. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. -I'll put on my signing clothes. So I have.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. President. Mr. I can't hear you. Don't do that. What a load off my mind. Mr. I can't hear you. Boy. You already have them on. will you. -Of course. President. please? -What? Speak up. Get out. Hey.

Brewster.. .. You take care of yourself. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Get going. little fellow. You beat it before things start popping around here. -My schnapps. -What's that? Wait. but you go now. please. Mr. Horrible things. -That's mine. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Doc-. But. look. Please. Please go now. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. -I could use that. Heidelberg.. Please. Please listen to me.he's a madman. Stop it. I'll take care of him.Are you really a doctor? Yes. Only for dramatic critics. Don't those plays you see all the time . You've just been married.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. Doctor! You get out of here! Look.. when Johnny's in that mood. 1919. He's a maniac! And then things happen.

And does he go? No. Now listen to this. When you get out of prison. Witherspoon.. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. -What do you think he does? -I don't know.. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. it'll still be running when you get out. Isn't that great? So there he is. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. The murderer even invites him to sit down. At least people in plays act like they got sense.. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. There's a play that's so bad. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. he doesn't. . There's a man. He's even been warned to get out.

The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. the quick way. in a play or even in a movie. Doctor. Please. were you out of my mind. Yes.we go to work.. He wasn't very bright. I've been away for 20 years..Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. But never.. Now get a load of this. That's right. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. In Melbourne one night. my dear brother. Mortimer. All he has to do is look around. Look at the attitude. Later on. This fellow's supposed to be bright.. But what does he do? The big chump sits there. Now. brother Heidelberg. ... . The big dope! You were right about that fellow.. .a fellow never sees or hears anything. you may consider that a blessing. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. for me. but does he? No! See.. I dreamt of you. Johnny.

And then they took it. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. That's all. I'll split it with you. Please! All right. Let's get it over with. Pull yourself together. We both have a drink before we operate. After all. please. dead brother. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Where did they put it? I found some wine. We drink to you. -Please. But I cannot see this without the drink. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Here. Mortimer. That idiot! -He goes next.-This must be an artistic achievement. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. To my dear. Where are your manners? Yes. One moment. You remember when we came in. there was some wine.

Like a flash.. -What happened to him? -Nothing. The quick way.. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. sure. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. It's all right. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. The quick way. Yeah.. yes! If it has to be. .the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. I see. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.-We'll get to him later.. . I'll help you. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. out of a clear sky. They practically stole that from my play. In the second act. We're taking the bugle away from him. then the quick way. I'd better talk to him myself.

. I'm in great danger. a fire breaks out. -It's probably over his head. in the meantime. . -What? -I personally like it very much. All of a sudden..but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. I'm walking along my beat.He says.. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. Well.. You ain't heard nothing yet. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. It's an evolving stage. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. "Miss Peaches La Tour. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. The scene changes. will you marry me?" That's the first scene.. Growing into a magnificent specimen. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes.. there's me. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest.. please. My mother doesn't say they're married. casual-like. see? Little do I know it. It's getting you.

Right in the middle of the second act. Brophy. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. boys. -The colonel blew that bugle again. Get me Mac. so I pulls out my gun.. So he came back. . That's the one that ran away.. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. -I heard him. I figures I'll outsmart him. .. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. Now.. who the heck is this? Mr. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. My play put him to sleep..when a guy that I'm following. He says we've got to put him away someplace. Did they send you here? No. -He's going to help me write my play. this is Mortimer Brewster. Brewster's brother.. -There's a vacant house on the corner. The neighbors are phoning in.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. we came to warn the old ladies. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. -Johnny..

-Come down to the cellar. Yes. Brewster. we'll hold him right here. At the Brewster house.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. The Lieutenant is on his way over. You think my aunts are sweet. Leave him to me. -Wait a minute. Brewster. I better let them know that I found you. charming old ladies. -I'll show them to you. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Your aunts are friends of ours. you've got me. . Thirteen bodies. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Shall we bring him in? All right. So I've been turned in? All right. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. 13. We found him. It wasn't that bad. Mr. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Mr. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. don't you? Well. Be careful what you say.

Look out! Fight. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. -Go on down the cellar with him. come to the cellar. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. look out! Amazing. Such a fine day. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. . -Go to the cellar with him. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Pat. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Well.I'll show you where they're buried. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. I got something better. He looks like Boris Karloff. I got him. Go on and fight. That's enough. please. that's enough. Pat. too. Everybody off. Amazing. look. You could use this in the third act. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. -Yes. Don't bother me now.

The papers are all signed. Turn him over. Isn't that amazing? Oh. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well.. Telephone. fight. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. Thank you very much. -Come in. That's fine. I've tried it before-It did. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. please. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense.. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. What do I care? Go ahead. Pat. Boris. brother.. Get him. -Witherspoon. That won't have any effect. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Don't do that. . -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Wish I could relax like that. dear.

pal. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. Report in. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. That's the way they described him. .. He says 13 bodies are there.. You're going to have a long time on that play. . I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. can at least read short detective stories. Now go on." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. About my not ringing in. The guy who helped him escape.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks. That's my brother. "He looked like Karloff... He's a lifer. You're suspended.. he's wanted. Certainly.. He's wanted. ..

Colonel. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. keep out of that. -Hey. Colonel. you've blown your last bugle. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. Nothing to eat. No. I want to question him. But I'm not myself today. We caught him at the White House.Here. you. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. Colonel. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. . Get this gu y out of here. Take him out and bring him to. Howdy. I'm Mortimer Brewster. -Questioning of spies is my department. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. This is a spy. No sleep. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. With flatheads like you on the force.

I have come to get a Brewster. no argument. Look. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. . I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. Witherspoon. Any offers? I'm Mr. started a murder rumor. Captain. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. take it easy. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Last year there was a crazy guy. There's people dumb enough to believe that. He's got to be put away. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. Just a minute.You're his brother. Read this. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. I'm liable to think anything. -I'm waiting for Mr. No arguments. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. -As long as he's going someplace. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. I know just how you feel. No arguments.

Now. . -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. This is fun. He's ready to talk. Brewster? Mr. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Let me explain. I'm so glad to see you. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. -That's fine. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. all I got to get is Witherspoon. -Hold him till I get there.Mr. Never mind! Give me that pen. That's all right! Do that again for me." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Witherspoon is here. it's chicanery. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to.

Witherspoon. you know-Captain. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. It means a great deal to me. secretly. You know.And no wagon when he leaves. You do? It must be a nice place. . You never can tell. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. I've never been there. this is Mr. -That's good. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. never. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. I want you to be just as harsh as you like.. Something I've been working on. Taxicabs. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. Why? To take him away? Never. it's a play. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. I shan't mind. We always. I have one waiting now.. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. I sometimes envy some of our patients. -The woods are full of them.. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.

Let's see. Mr.. my boy. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. Witherspoon. Goodbye. Mr. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers.-Come.. -What is this? No. you got it wrong. Now you can take him away. -Is this March 4? -Practically.. your guide to Africa. President. I must get started immediately. this isn't Mr. Taft. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Your term of office is over. all signed. This is Captain Rooney. President? Taft! No. I'll bring down my equipment. I'm on my way to Africa. I have good news for you. Happy man. It's Mr. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Aunt Abby. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Aunt Martha.

We promise to take his bugle away from him. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. . jealousy. Too dangerous. but impossible. No. Dissension. he can't go now! We won't permit it. you'll have to take us with him. haven't you? No. You've come to meet Teddy. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. -I'm sorry. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. Oh. I've got it. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. You could arrange that. we're going.It's all right. dear. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. Why not? Why not. How can you allow this? You promised. indeed? It's sweet of them. he's come to take him. -We won't be separated from Teddy. let's be sensible. Now. too! -Yes. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. ladies. -If he's going. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again.

Things are going to get worse. you wouldn't have to dig. . We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. What? Yes. -How about it? -I'll be right there. -I'll tell you what we'll do. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. Mortimer. You just ask our nephew. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. . No. and we'll send them to Happy Dale....It ain't only his bugle blowing. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar.. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. He's been a little strange all day.and we'll get them all together. -I'll look in that cellar. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. The graves are all marked. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar.

Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. -You mustn't mind him at all. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. If we can go with Teddy.. we'll sign the papers.. Smile. There's one down there. a Mr. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. -Certainly. humor them. It's amazing.who doesn't belong here and has to leave. Spenalzo. Humor them. Teddy committed himself. Where are they? . I put neon lights on mine.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. None of mine are gentlemen. Hasn't got it yet. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. -Flowers? Sure. .. "There is a Happy Dale far.. -He got married today.

. The neighborhood here has changed so. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. We've overlooked something. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Now. Just sign right here. will you? I want this all cleaned up. -Were you leaving. Oh. It's on the right-hand side there. Ladies. ladies. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Yes. A doctor. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers.I have them. Einstein. here. please. -Here? -Yes. please. Doctor? -Yes. Dr. Dr. -A doctor? -Yes. Maybe I can understand him. -Good night. Doctor. Dr. please. please. Doctor. I'm so sorry. I'm really looking forward to going. -Come here. right here. Sign them up. dear. Come along. if you'll sign right here. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.

Doc. Mr. Read it to me. Mac. Five-foot-three. Pop eyes. Einstein! -Now. Mr. Witherport. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Thanks. Poses as a doctor. Hello. Talks with a German accent. . I'm Brewster. on the desk. It's all right. The doctor has completed the signatures. will you? About 40. Mac. It's contagious. His accomplice's description is on the circular. yes. But Dr. -Don't play games--You sign. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. One hundred and forty pounds. It's your turn. That's great! Thanks. Okay. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Don't mind me.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. You sign as next of kin.

-What's wrong about that. Now. -Well. darling. We don't want anything to go wrong. -Me too. -Here. don't be worried. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. And you were born . Duffel? Pack his duffel. -It's yours. you know? And bring along my bugle. of course. you signed as next of kin. you tell him. Well. Einstein--But it's not his signature. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. darling. We're very happy about the whole thing. -Mine? You see. darling? -Martha. dear. He's President. Come up and pack my duffel. President. Mortimer. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. but that's just it. -What. dear. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook.-Spoon.

-Goodbye.we didn't want to lose her. too. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye.about three months afterwards. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime.. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine... And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. So brother married her. They're off to a flying start. I really did see-- . Quiet! -But. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon.. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. . It's true. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. Your real father was a cook.

I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. Yes. Mortimer. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Call me a cab. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. I'm a son of a sea cook. We're going to Niagara Falls. dear. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . love. Mr. But. its operators.

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