Caps, Badges and Pledges, Congrats!

If facebook and multiply hasn’t made it obvious, we had our capping ceremony last Tuesday. An added white to our uniform, I had to convince myself that this event was a big deal and it’s supposed to mean more to me. I had hoped that before I ‘walk down the aisle,’ I’d say yes to nursing. I would say yes without anyone’s promptings on the upsides of my course, just me letting go after the many cycles of protesting and embracing it. The week passed without much anticipation for our caps. I was just waiting for my turn. The moment suddenly reprimanded a small prayer and sometime in the minutes that I sat amongst fellow upcoming third years, God forwarded me an even better invitation than the one I had. I can be selfish. I still have to remind myself that what God wants is what I need. Years ago, I decided to go for literature, mass communications or fine arts. I never imagined myself to be a nurse. Never. But everything tells me that I have to be. Despite the feeling of not belonging, of starting to drift away from what I supposed to make me happy…I stay and I root for God’s plans. He calls me out to sea, swim against the wild waves of my ambitions and seek Him in the middle of this storm. I prayed for the sense of responsibility, I discovered the sense of God in all this. I am so afraid and distressed. I have given Him authority to take me wherever but maybe I have not given me permission to be driven out of who I presumed of myself. They say this semester is going to be killer. I don’t believe in zombies, then I took up nursing…right? There will be hardships, a cause for struggles and unbearable school annoyances. There will be me, weak and tired. There will be God who never fails. I am done with this silent stubbornness. I am done with my excuses. I am meant to be here though I’m barely surviving a stressful week, let alone 2 more years. But if there were ever people who inspire me to proceed, it would be my patients. I can’t say I love nursing (for now) but I love people. I’ve been to hospitals, to communities and because of that, I have been to this country and to this people. They lie in our assigned ward and most of them carry the weight of the world. We come to their bedside with our dusting materials, our kits, apparatuses and objectives. I am not sure of what that amounts to but I’ve been longing to be involved of the better change in this world. I am so small in all of this yet so big in the instances that I noticed and I cared. If I stop this desire to be some place else comfortable, I see someone who does not want to be in that position too. It’s a blow to every nerve ending because I would never want anyone to think that I have been forced to care and render my services. I would not want to miss out on any more strangers God wishes for me to meet. Forgive me if I have been pessimistic. I went about this in the wrong manner. I might have passed my subjects but I failed as a human being. My complaints are shallow and I permit those above me to break me if they have to, just because I deserve it. A child once approached me in Busay, Laguerta; took my hand and had it touch his brow. I’m not his grandmother (couldn’t look like her too. haha!) but I appreciate the gesture more than one could conceive. He was thanking me and so have so many people I’m grateful to have taken note of their TPRs and BPs. I am a shadow of a Healer. I am anonymity with a reputation of hope that we fight in sickness and poverty. A new born baby, a dying man, a woman who waits for her test results…where I am in these circumstances is where God promotes the value of life. I do not breathe the same because of them.

We prepare ourselves for expected difficulties, more serious cases, a schedule to knock us out like Haton in his match with Pacquiao and in our insanity to keep cool with the stresses, may we find rest in lifting the burden of others. We may not always love what we do but we love those who we do it for… the best way we know how. It is always time well spent to be heaven sent. I am in the ranks of the unqualified and if I’m not mistaken, in the marks of something great that is once again, outside me. “Many are cool but few are frozen. “

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