GATESWAY CEO HAS SEX WITH COW!

NORTH SIOUX CITY, SD-The serenity of the bovine world was shattered today when local sheriffs officers arrested Bob Apple, the CEO of Gatesway Computers, and charged him with sexually abusing a calf. The robust manufacturing cowpany known for shipping their computers in boxes with a Holstein motif had sales of over $7.7 billion last year. Local Persecutor Ludvik Ramrod charged Mr. Apple with 13 counts of bestiality. If convicted the computer moogul could face twenty years in prison. As cows in this small state choked on their cud at the horrifying news, word up in the field is that more indictments of digital dickheads doing cows is forthcoming. The latest sex scandal to rock the US erupted when a young and portly Holstein fashion model by the name of Ariola Bakery spilled the beans of her six month affair with Apple to Daily Cow via email. She wrote that she was kept in a barn at Gatesway headquarters where during the day artists would make paintings of her markings to design their shipping boxes. At night Apple would come visit and have sex with her. "He had this groovy-smelling long pipe that he seduced me with. Our sex took place nearly every night but I soon grew tired of his ravenous sexual appetite. He threatened to send me to hamburger heaven if I did not give in to his sexual advances." The straw that broke her back happened last week when Apple invited other digital kingpins to bang his bovine. They were introduced to her as "The Farmer In The Dell" and "Goofy Guy with Glasses." All three spent the night ejaculating on her favorite muu muus which have since been turned over to local persecutors for DNA testing. Also, unbeknownst to the billionaire bovine bangers, a friend of Bakery's installed a video camera in the barn a few days earlier and a record now exists of these crapitalists having their way with the nubile calf. After that nights debauchery, Ariola finally broke free from her stall and enlisted the aid of local animal activists who spirited her away to Dr. Jack Off's Hoe Barn in Michigan. Reaction from the bovine cowmunity has been muted but current leader Bossy Tweed did release a statement while barnstorming Iraq in search of the perfect veil. "These three wise ass men worth billions are nothing more than sanctimonious scumbags. Cows be on the alert! We are now surrounded by digital degenerates who have created a manipulative, ad-driven culture whose main product is misinformation. Their ejaculate contains a steady stream of distortions, exaggerations and lies. Our moos for virtue, morality and truth ring hollow in their world of profit and legal fraud. Do not look for redress from their justice system. I implore all farm animals to run for the hills and wear chastity belts! Their government spends billions protecting its citizens from Middle East terrorism but does little to protect it from these bogus bulls running wild on Wall Street and in our barns. Big business cowglomerates and government cheeseheads are in cowhoots with one another and bestiality is their latest dark and dirty secret. These butchers of information with their oversized brains and puny peckers must be stopped! To this end I have assigned special agents from our Cow Underground Nerve Tactical Squad (CUNTS) to target these bovine boffers and bomb them with treated manure gas which will render them impotent forever!"

Gatesway Corporation lawyer Bert Weidermyer held a press conference after his clients arrest and said: "This is all very stupid. Cows can't kiss and tell. They can only moo. These charges are the end product of a demented and dysfunctional mind that does not believe in the American Dream. Gatesway Corporation and its CEO loves cows, but only in a commercial way. The American consumer can rest assured that the boxes being shipped to their schools, churches, homes and businesses are not tainted with the scent of untoward sexuality. No jury in its right mind will convict my client and no judge will let a cow in the courtroom to testify. Mr. Apple never had sexual relations with this heifer!" Well, there you go cow fans. Are these titans of industry guilty of sexually abusing cows or are they only guilty of abusing the earth and all of its inhabitants? It's up to you to decide. Enjoy your daily graze but beware of the moneymakers-they will rape you any way they can. By David R. Wyder/Daily Cow #13 Cover Story

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