WHAT WH ITE E LEPHANT

THE LATELY ISSUE

WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT | THE AUGTEMBER ISSUE

CONTENTS
HOROSCOPES VILLAINS MAYFLY

2. ...1 4. ...4 6. ...4

ARTICLES
ONCE AGAIN 8.
I can hear you dying. the slowly quiet everwhirring fan blades turned complying with their original design. as usual,

STEP ONE

9.

Her skin was a fair pale color, her eyes a deep blue surrounded by an angry blood shot red.

13

UNTITLED IV

10.

Abby is still sitting there, in my head and in this novel, presumably with his thumb up his butt.

THE RULES OF SENTIENCE

12.

It was crowded that day, smoke dust and other particles of shit looming throughout the air not to mention the curling of illegal smoke lofting from one decrepit room to the next.

DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP

13.

No ma’am that hookah isn’t for smoking drugs, yes sir, those crickets are real and people do buy and eat them, no, i don’t fucking know if our shirts are pre shrunk,.

FAILED HOPES & DISENCHANTMENT WAIT-- WHAT WERE WE DOING AGAIN?
CONFESSIONAL THINGS OVERHEARD THE GUEST LIST 18. 19. 20.

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15.

POETRY & PROSE
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16.

SPONSORED BY LATELY

Again, I use the term, ‘roommate,’ lightly, as a roommate is traditionally a roommate person who helps with rent and bills. We weren’t evicted, in the traYeti Detective ditional sense. The property development company that bought the building we lived in informed everyone that reetings, readers. What White they would be locking us all out. So, it Elephant apologizes for the delay in re- doesn’t count as an eviction, though I lease of the free zine that we put out didn’t pay any rent in the two months for you for free. The zine who’s very inks between receiving that warning and are formed from the bodily fluids we losing my place of residence. Our place squeeze from our own hearts and veins of residence. directly into specially designed printer This is actually a really sad story, cartridges, and who’s pages are formed and I’ve drunk enough whiskey now from our very flesh, and who’s binding that I can tell it. is our own disgusting sinew which we Me and Junkie Roommate were must stretch and snap like rubber bands supposed to stay up all night, the last and feed into the binding machine. Not night we could spend in the apartment. a single day goes by that we do not re- The back story to that was that she had gret purchasing discount printing hard- a plane ticket to California at 7 am, and ware from Dark Craigslist. neither of us had really packed anything No, actually, I don’t have any- at all. The plan was to wash all of our thing to do with the actual production laundry all night long, borrow a car, of the zine. The only juices I contribute then drive her to the airport. are my metaphorical brain saps. How- The further back story to that is ever, I am given the utmost assurances that I’d spent the previous two years of that the actual creators and editors of my life looking out for this person like a this fine zine, who sometimes appear to little sister. We fought a lot. That mornme out of the shadows in the form of ing was no different. a snake or a swarm of insects that can She fell asleep around three. I communicate human language in its woke her up at four thirty, and we spent buzzing, put a lot of blood, sweat and the interim thirty minutes frantically tears into its production so that you, The stuffing all of her belongings into two User, can be delivered the most neuro- pieces of luggage that were less than logically nutritious and psychologically five feet long and two carry on bags delicious morsel possible in the form of that could fit inside the dumb little box, 30 or so pages of poetry, prose, weird as per airline parameters. word puzzles, arcane illustrations, and We fought. We fought all mornsubliminal brainwashing. ing. She yelled at me for not waking up For free. sooner. I yelled at her for not being able Did I mention that they do this to take care of her own shit. for free? For you? Out of love? We drove to the airport. She Anyway, enough about those yelled at me for not being able to find assholes. Let’s talk about my recent any single place we were attempting harrowing experience. So, my favorite to go in the entire two years we had junkie roommate and I got kicked out known each other. I yelled at her to shut of our apartment building in August. the hell up. I’m trying my best.

August equals

junkie

G

4

FILTH

When we got to the airport, we went to the computer terminal where you print off your tickets if you did not have the foresight to print off your tickets before you arrived at the airport. We checked her bags. We walked toward the gate so she could board. We arrived at the gate, and there were ropes and a makeshift stop sign. It said, “Present your tickets to the agent at the gate,” as such signs are wont to say. I inquired of said agent, “I can’t go past here if I don’t have a ticket, can I?”

and deserves a break, and if you live on the west coast and meet a pretty, dark haired girl who goes by Calico and is mean as shit, you’d better be nice to her. And that’s all the feelings I can handle for two months, so fuck off now, Reader. You’ve drank your fill of my blood.

She looked at me and said, “No.”
I turned to my friend and said, “I can’t go with you past here.” She looked at me and said, “Oh.” We had been fighting the entire time up until this point, and now it was over. I told her to give me a hug. When she did, I said into her ear, “I’ll miss you.” She said, “Yeah.” We looked at each other with tears in our eyes and the weight of infinite wasted moments in our hearts. It took an eternity. Then she proceeded through the gates. I waited on the other side of the glass until I saw her come through TSA security. She was one of the first to go in, and one of the last I saw come out. I imagined that they had told her she couldn’t bring her shampoo through because it was one ounce too large, and she took out a mother fucker’s eye. But she made it onto the plane. She’s in a better place now. She doesn’t have anyone to look after her but herself, and I’m terrified every day that something bad will happen, because so very many bad things could happen to her. She’s my friend, and I love her, and I hope things turn out well for her because she has walked a hard road

SUBMIT
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5

Her unforgiving chains of clandestineness rip through my chest and pollute the purity that is my patchwork heart, till every stitch oozes and seeps the toxic sludge of decrepitude. Powerless. Completely and utterly powerless, every damn time. But that’s the thing about her, when she focuses on you, she makes you feel like you’re the only thing in the universe. Its her gift. Maybe it’s a gift given too freely. I remember college, that’s when I first saw her. It was a time of flighty passions, where things seemed obsolete and time moved too quickly. Then you realize that everything you believe to be true changes. I often ask myself why some of the most beautiful gifts are the cruelestmaybe because sometimes the ugliest ones tell us the most about ourselves. I said once through the channels of petulant candor, thatI’ve never met anyone like you before. However, that’s not necessarily a good thing.

me she would be anything less than twenty ways from crazy and wouldn’t fuck like an animal, just like these broads do. The crazy ones always make the best lays, maybe that’s why I love them so much. But once again I was wrong. The silent conversation of our predestined lust changed me forever… I want you to plunge your fingers into the silk clothened crevices of my cognizance and have your words paint intricate swirls in my mind with the tip of your wet tongue. I want your obfuscations to be as carnal as the fantasy at the edge of my fingertip. I want my lips wet with your warm oozing euphemisms.

Create a reality in the blue of my eyes that leaves me tantalized and raw, turning my inhibitions over to the creature I can become. Play with my moist senses til my the eyes of my perception roll back in a moment of the truest truth. My pons are the bridge which you straddle with engorged reticular formations, effervescent, and vitiate my moralities. My skins begs your aggressive amygdala to run Perception is the cruelest form of reality. its salacious licentiousness up and down my cells, Because then reality only exist within the lens you lightening them up like the magic that lies in beview it. tween my soft thick flesh. But what do you do with a dirt caked lens? Then at the point where I can take no more, your I wanted to find a person whose matching intellect eyes open mine in pure ecstasy leaving my world allows us to go through an entire journey of pure, screaming to be defiled over and over by your sexually charged transcendence without a single flagitiousness. touch. Leaving only my vociferous response of your I was craving a intellectual orgasm so bad, the inimitable perversion bouncing off the walls of ache in my loins could be felt outward to the end my cerebrum- covering my subconscious in the of my toes, to the tip of my skull. sticky white of your intellect and filth. This is what leads every path-walking individual to live the sentence of the reprobated. It’s so pre- And ill thank you by drawing the universe on the dictable you can almost smell it, heavy in the air, back of your hand, so that every time you stumlike the cigarette smoke that chokes your eyes in a ble a glittering sidereal net will catch your fall. bar too small and unloved. I looked up from my sweat dripping coke and This is what keeps me writing with the force of rum to see it. Like a flashing red sign screeching a pure and nasty addiction, even if what I write every hellish warning, but at the same time holds means nothing. Because there is a ton of reality every single thing that made me want her more- out there that we never experience that other the bat of her eyelash, the slight twinge of her creatures can. mouth. Life is made up of a series of moments channeled The way she orders her drink, in just a way that through the eyes of right now. positions her body enough to give me a glimpse I saw a side of myself in that moment that I did of its glory, but not enough to directly say she’s not perceive before, and in that moment it was interested. more real than any other experience felt within the physical realm of my perception. Broads like her have been playing this game for way too long, to not know what they are doing. -HandfulOfEuphemisms KIDDING. There was nothing about JUST this specimen that told

WE THINK HOMOS ARE PRETTY THAT FILTHYSWELL. WHORE!

15

VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED, NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL AGES, CONSULT WITH YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CONSUMING AS IT MAY INTERACT WITH CERTAIN MEDICATIONS

THIS MAGAZINE CONTAINS A TRAP AND ALSO HIGHLY SATIRICAL JOKES & AMAZING WRITERS; A FANTASTIC VOYAGE ON THE DEEP SEA OF FICTIONAL NARRATIVE. OH, AND THERE’S FREE COOKIES TOO. WE LIKE FREE PUBLICITY AND WE LIKE DELICIOUS GREEK FETA CHEESE. WE OFTEN USE POOR GRAMMER

villains noun \ˈvi-lən\ Definition of VILLAIN 1 : villein 2 : an uncouth person : boor 3 : a deliberate scoundrel or criminal 4 : a character in a story or play who opposes the hero 5 : one blamed for a particular evil or difficulty <automation as the villain in job … displacement — M. H. Goldberg> Origin of VILLAIN Middle English vilain, vilein, from Anglo-French, from Medieval Latin villanus, from Latin villa First Known Use: 14th century

ENGARDE!
you foe.
WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT - a subsidiary of SUPER VILLAINS INCORPORATED L.L.C. - a division of NURSE! I SPY GYPSIES RUN! INCORPORATED You can find this issue and past issues at scribd.com/whatwhiteelephant or even e-mail us at WHATWHITEELEPHANT@gmail.com & we’ll send you a pdf (although for all the trouble that’s worth, it’s probably not worthwhile). We’re also on THE INTERNET, and on Twitter @what_elephant (if you’re into those sorts of things).

SOMEONE SAID THEY’D REDO THIS BACK PAGE. THEY WILL. SOMEDAY.

AND TPYICALLY A LOT OF MISSPELLINGS TOO (WE FIRED OUR PROOFREADERS) WE LIKE INAPPROPRIATE HAND GESTURES, FIGS & ANTIQUATED MORALS. SLOW MOTION.

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