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” “Will you take out the trash,it's overflowing? I've already been through it,there's nothing you want.”mom demanded earnestly while jabbing at my good taste. “Ha ha, very funny ,you know I only like good garbage and there ain't never anything good in there....” “I know theres nothing good in there...if there was you'd have dug it out already.You're always digging through it.”she retorted. “Somebody on this planet needs to do something...””I know,I know!You're doing God's work,when's you're next court date?” enthusically asked,to which I unleashed the following..”You think it's funny the cops dont know the law,I can't help it when I indorse those financial instruments,disguised as complaints,summons,tickets,warrants et al,properly and they ball it up and rewrite the damn things ,forcing me to sign a name I know knot and then expect me to actually pay the thing,There is no money!”...”Would you shut up and take out the trash,you're making my head spin with all that nonsense”she said ,only slightly dizzy. And you're right there is no money,when are you gonna file disability?You cant just sit around here and do nothing.” “Awww mom,you cant be under God and man,I'm making money anyway.” “Going around stealing peoples trash is not making money,it's making trouble...I'm not helpin you get out of jail this time..” “Oh,stop it!I exclaimed.First of all,it's not people's trash, its businesses and if you knew what I know about the waste in this country you'd be morally obligated to go with me,but because I dont want to put your soul in danger I keep it from you. “Thanks honey,I'm glad my soul is in your hands,have you taken your medicine today?” “You drive me crazy with that damn medicine,don't you know that stuff is how they kill the saints?” “Since when are you a saint?You're a freaking zealot,a rebel without a cause,the least you could do is take your meds so I dont have to worry about you killing yourself.” “I'm not suicidal”,I said matter of factly,”If anyone's trying to kill anyone around here it's you always harpin' on my medicine.How many times do I have to tell you,they call it Haldol for a reason.They don't want you to know it's Haloperidol, Halo peer, rid all,All being another name for God-how can I take that in good concsience?” , “What about that other stuff?”she asked hopefully.”O lands a penny...Olanzapine is exactly that ,no thanks, you somehow think you can be in no cent while ingesting something called Oh! Lands in a penny don't you? And you call me crazy.Besides I'm fine without it.I'm a professional now ,I can be on the other side and still tell the time.”I said proudly.”Anyway weren't you the one that told me it was ok to lose your marbles as long as you pick them up before you move on?” “No,I told you it's ok to talk to yourself as long as you don't answer back.” It was December,my dad and I were sitting in a middle pew when I said “Stand up daddy.”Most times, when someone is moved to point out the errors in catholic doctrine it's not during midday mass, surrounded by faithful parishioners listening to a priest in full regalia, reciting the latin vulgate.This wasn't to be like most times,it became once in a lifetime.Dad stood up and I don't know what he said but whatever it was, they threw us out straight away and we walked.We walked into another service that hadn't quite yet started.People were milling about,trying to find their seats.It wasn't a typical church setting,instead,neatly arranged metal folding chairs in rows with enough space in the middle to be considered an aisle had been set-up in what was probably recently vacated office space.My dad and I sat near the six inch tall stage where the drumset and monitors and microphones on stands awaited their masters. We sat there ,me in an aisle seat, him next to me on my left and we waited.Just as the thought of being bored again began to make me fidget I turned to look behind me and to my surprise was Santa,Santa Claus himself,doing cartwheels down the aisle towards the stage,whizzing past me so fast I could hardly believe my eyes.It was quite an unexpected sight but unfortunately ,when he began
He says he couldn't do it.Fortunately I missed that part but I sure didn't miss the repurcussions of that day. not with that stick.the sane choice if you ask me...my faith in his ever being healed grew cold and it became harder and harder to be .to preach about how it's Satan Claus .Good thing he didn't think weilding that giant dead stick over his head in the piggly-wiggly parking lot wasn't deemed inappropriate or else I wouldn't have witnessed his attempt at blinding himself.I call it the other side.and for good reason.He never got healed but he did get close to God..I don't know.the next phase would be to understand the details.Not why he blinded himself.they would find me.well.Dad's main focus was to get as close to The Father and His Son and The Holy Spirit as is allowed .At times.Oh how I wish those cops had just kept driving on but it wasn't meant to be.is to go deeper into the words of God.was following the same road but with a different goal.although some have.Instantly a feeling of guilt swept over me and my smile was wiped away as the picture of my dad writhing in pain on the floorboard of the squad car was burned into my memory. dad got the extra adrenaline he needed to tear the retina in his right eye. it fell on my shoulders to bring him and God together. right then and there.while in some Memphis hospital's psychiatric ward.Dad wasn't one to appreciate anything construed to be a lack of faith.They would knock you out. Most people haven't had to rationalize psychotic misadventure.When you think about it. Why did Father have to send his only begotten son here to die?What is the Christ trying to tell us? As a child it never made any sense to me.that the letters are transposed.They stopped to see what the guy with the giant stick was doing and in the process.The advantage I have in this is that although I'm departing on a crazy train.Last thing I remember is sitting on the lap of one of the cops and him making me smile with a teddy bear he had pulled out of the trunk.but where.I got on with a young and sound mind.Not easy to do as its one helluva ride.Then if my search uncovered a need for religion in the first place.If who you think is God asks you to do something and you do it.I mean can't Father just fix it?He is the creator of the universe isn't He? I read the Bible aloud continually.I always knew there was truth in his madness .Dad being blind.. The next day.does it make sense to turn away from that God because you may have gone off the deep end a little or a lot?Doesn't it make sense to pursue an even deeper relationship with the God whom you've already proven blind devotion to? Dad chose the latter and why not. From that day on religion.that would be my cross. When I got older.God.that didn't have to be understood.The quagmire was religion and why we have it.Jesus.dad thought that not a good message for me seeing how I wasn't much past the age of three.not obvious ones anyway and not easily found I would come to find.Rightly so since faith will move mountains and in his case restore sight lost in the dusk of a psychotic experience that many have traversed but few have had the commitment to actually follow through with it.from the very first days that I could read.from five on I guess. Questions that I had to have answers to.my main focus was to understand the reason or reasons for the quagmire itself.It was Christianity that would have to be examined and that was the the crazy train I got on whilst dad got on a crazy train of his own.When I got older I still kept quiet about it..became my constant companion..the sanest course of action following such blind devotion.Only trouble with that choice is that I. If they prayed with him they would all end up being passed out on the floor.The challenge has been to keep it sound.spirituality.my chains and the beginning of my change.That and to keep my mind as well.If it weren't for those heathen cops he couldn't have done it.Questions for which there are no answers.when I would decide to give up.dad grabbed a spoon off the nurse's tray as she was preparing a shot of thorazine and he plucked out his other eye.I can't say for sure how close but he had very little sin in his life and his prayers were like flash-bang grenades.a little kid .I never had the nerve to mention the lack of documented miracles involving amputees and others missing limbs but I did have the where-with-all to research into it.it hurt too much.no matter the outside appearance.always right there but never giving me answers.The people at the prayer lines had to block his number because no one was able to process the tithes.
those were the reasons for my want of escape.Being blind was also a magnet for stray glances and as a matter of necessity I became very good at not giving a shit what other people think.Nine or so months out of the year I was blessed with being around normal people.As I grew older I gravitated to the punkrock style of dress.all the descriptions of Heavens Glory and Hell.Hell this ain't a memoir it's a resume'.I feel it .Although personally of sound mind.the absolute and never ceasing affirmations of faith.”You believe me .I had no .plus the music was loud.necessary because God didn't leave me alone.of course I do!”would be the lie most told.God had other plans.His powers here . Dad is blind in both eyes.I can only sketch a very limited picture of what it was like being the bridge between dad and the other side.All the hours reading the King James aloud. I would robotically respond after years of it never materializing. today.When you're a kid you believe anything your dad tells you so at first the let down was very hard emotionally. During the quest to regain his sight.my experience was the same as if it were my own quest for sight and as it turns out. I had to.Probably the best gift I ever got from the experience and I've kept it all my life.all the demons flying around the room.With all the shouting at the devil.You see.”Get behind me Satans'!”.only trouble with me filling it is I'm not bloodthirsty enough.I was ready to party.By the time I was twenty I had given up on understanding the teachings of Jesus and focused mostly on being happy.as you'll soon discover.the tent revivals.do you sense it?””Yes daddy”.it was changed to 30 or 40 days during my summer vacations from school.right now and it took a while for me to figure out he was an absolute lunatic. fast and angry and I was definitely angry.it was too much of a build up and let down.”I bind you in the name of Jesuses!”.although I didn't know it at the time.There wasnt much to do in Baton Rouge but it packed a lot of excitement nonetheless.I didn't have to see them to know they were there.day in .after he and his new wife moved to Baton Rouge.The first stigma I was forced to get over was the embarrassment that would creep around whenever Dad and I went public.constantly.around him.I think that when back in Memphis being normal.all the thank you Jesuses.I played on the same soccer team for eight years and generally had a quasi-normal upbringing and then school let out.day out.at first every weekend and then.My mom allows me to see my dad regularly.”Gods going to heal me today son.dad had a third eye for them and he didn't keep it a secret that they lived all around us. the constant radio sermons.how it is filled with gargoyles and monsters and pissed off demons and how much torment and misery you'll receive if you go there because they hate you because you look like God.well we got a lot of not so appealing looks from many unappealing persons.Actually He never bothered me directly.but hell other folks can run that part of the show. you would think the religious part of this story could end here and the uninteresting part could take over but.People with jobs and cars and tickets to sporting events.it was.I have a hippie style environment for the next few years but soon enough the casts are off and my constant doctor visits fade to memory.Drugs had become a part of my life very early and continued to be my preferred source of escape.I missed being a freak and the purple or blue or red bristlehead look helped me get comfortable in my skin.It bordered on just stupid but I had to play the part.I mean he had no doubt he was gonna be healed.don't you son?””Yes.absolutely daddy.Eventually I moved out of state and our relationship waned.it was the answers that are hidden and the questions that I found. but I didn't.Seriously tho.doesnt it?An anti-christ for sure and who would blame me.from what I can gather from my interpretation of the King James theres still a job opening available.with him unable to see the coffee stains and burnholes in his shirt and being such a big man.it became incumbent upon me to be as involved as a third party could get.all the running down the street naked.mom leaves him and takes me with her.the television evangelists.Sounds like the makings of an anti-christ.I gave up believing that he was going to be healed and although he couldn't. San Francisco By the time I arrived in the city by the bay I was a well established radical in my own way.
Arizona and I was going for a visit.Here I was standing in a utility closet full of paint and other maintenance paraphernalia.A real honest to goodness urban farm smack dab in the Mission District at Army and Potrero.This was more of a getting to know me type of psychotic episode and even with witnessing my dad poke his own eyes out I was moved to try it too.landscapes mostly but the smell of turpentine brought emotional responses to my psyche that reinforced my feeling of being where I was supposed to be.She took me in and another longtime friend of my mom's from Memphis gave me a job.The street signs and license plates got me to the street while the voices of traffic and walkie talkies and other sounds in a city got me to the back-yard fence of a two story townhouse somewhere in the middle of an Oakland neighborhood..garden and day care with punk rock concerts on the week-ends to raise money for the rent.The doggy door would have to do and once inside there was a smell that I knew.with nowhere to go.I didn't get all the information necessary to manifest such a reality but I did get enough to give the idea credence when it resurfaced later on.I did leave my heart there but that famous song fails to mention the part about how it rips it out of you .San francisco.I met a gaggle of girls one of which took a liking to me.all the damage to myself was a small bruise on my left eyelid.Upon arrival.Her and her two friends were touring with a band.very very low.pretty.in one of the most dangerous cities in the world.The mayor at the time had launched a campaign to close the place down and was ultimately successful.Grandmother spent time teaching all the grandchildren how to paint with oils.It would be just one of a number of changes in my life but the first time the other side would take notice of me.After bathing in some paint it was time to go so I exited the closet and flying above my head was a helicopter at an unusual altitude.The Day-Glo Abortions and happened to be guests of the band illegally being housed at The Farm.agenda other than to have an experience.About a week into my new life as a fifteen year old runaway.on Haight st.Fortunately.wasn't going to be my long-term home.Anyway.Walking up to the back door.It started a week or so before my flight back to Phoenix.Thats how dangerous it is.a petting zoo.a friend of my mom's happened to see me loitering near Golden Gate Park.as great as it is.very punk rock.Not being easily deterred I gave the door to my immediate left a try and it was locked too.I found a switch and flicked it.Any other smell and common sense may have enlightened me to the fact that what Im doing is not good or safe but turpentine soothed my better judgement away.I never made it on the flight.not the kind this world offers.My mom remarried quite a few years prior and we relocated from Memphis to Tempe.As it turned out.I discovered that someone in their right mind had been there already as the door was locked.she was the cool one.I made a choice to move out of the belly before I got too comfortable.Moving towards the fence while ignoring the .You know who you are.I didnt know where I was and it didnt matter.I had been walking for hours trying to make sense of this new hidden language I was being shown and trying to make sense out of what it was telling me. The timing of my flight and the urgency of my departure were a day apart and for the next twenty hours Oakland was to teach me a thing or two.Feeling around.God doesnt just let things go right away and He offered up another opportunity as soon as my feet touched the ground on the other side of that townhomes fence.Things had become difficult and I was forced to make a decision about my future.The overall message was that stuff was free.San Francisco has a seedy underbelly that isn't too uncomfortable if you happen to find yourself being digested.maybe more and was staffed with the best group of folks a teenage punk rocker from across the country runnin from God could have hoped to have met.The place held about eight hundred.my first encounter with my own psychotic experience would be my good-bye present from a city that had treated me so well.Turpentine.no one is safe when the Godmonster takes over.something I had learned watching my dad get around the house.it must've been about three-thirty in the morning.I had no fear.With a racing mind and a new way to read I wandered away from the Oakland aiport somewhere into the night.they took a liking to me and it wasnt long before I became a part of the family.blue hair. My first encounter with psychosis was as a child.In order to be true to myself and unable to turn my back on my upbringing.middle of the night and having had to climb a fence to get there.
This whole exchange lasted about five seconds so it was quick.fortunately those big rigs dont get up to speed that fast and my quick exit was uneventful although I'm sure it looked strange.Hello.with orange jumpsuits wandering around but I was protected.Somehow.he sure didn't seem the least bit surprised nor did I get any type of what the hell vibe. I thought I was wrong.he pulled me up and out. I was mistaken.I'm in here already!”thinking surely it can't be that big a deal.While he was shining a flashlight directly at my face.he asked somewhat rhetorically.or that I needed to get there at all.”What am I.Thank goodness since I got in while he was moving it was understood that I was now going to have to get out under the same conditions.Instead of walking.I was pretty sure I was on my own about my mind so when the cop let that guy go and headed towards me I knew what I was gonna say.may have been Martin Luther King Jr.once.Proceeding to walk again.I had a flight to catch and the seedy underbelly was becoming ill with me in there so getting to the airport was an absolute must.I was out of my mind and I knew it but was sane enough to wonder why no one else seemed to think the same about me.”I cant”was what I heard next which shocked me.some sort of taxi?”He motioned for me to sit back down and he closed me back into his cruiser.the thought to hop in the back of the cop car seemed a reasonable and prudent thing to do.Elvis I thought silently to myself.lights a flashing and as I made my approach closer I could see a cop patting some guy down about twent-five feet to my left. The sun was starting to come up but it was still dark when I was starting to get worried.using the alpha code they use so as to minimize misunderstandings.there.impulse to start jabbing my eyes out with the dagger-style stick at my feet.said”If you get yourself cleaned up I might give you a ride to the airport.I'm an action man and creating things is sometimes my forte.making it obvious that my instructions were to ignore the cop.Heading up the street the same way I had come in.It took about twenty seconds for him to make his way to the back door of the squad car and when he opened the door he said”Get out here.I think I pissed someone off pretty good but no matter.Ran as fast as I could and jumped up and onto a tractor trailer that was slowly accelerating up to freeway speed.the last thing I expected to hear was “I can't”.Once I opened the door and sat down I was rather surprised that the driver didn't think it too strange what I had done.If I were to walk to my right far enough I would have had to contend with the no pedestrians or non motorized vehicle sign giving warning that what lies ahead is an intersate highway.In the back seat I was able to hear the dispatcher repeating back to him three letters over and over again and they were nora edward ira.I waited until the lights on the chopper and my mental gymnastics synchronized and my little side trip down memory lane was over.what the hell are you doing?”I told him “I need a ride to the airport.at the top of the street was an Oakland police car.Through the door I could hear him say”possible 51/50 “and he proceeded to give the dispatcher my name.Today. I needed help getting my mind back or getting to the airport.I found myself standing on the sidewalk of a four-lane rd.I found myself in a holding cell in the middle of nowhere.turned out.there weren't any.Not wanting to take no for an answer “C'mon..having been walking almost non-stop for many hours and not knowing where I was..By this time.who knows why.”I'm going the wrong way.it was a cul de sac.the door was opened .the law figured out that I shouldn't be allowed to get to the airport on my own.Elvis passed out and choked on his vomit I believe whereas pulling an Elvis for me meant sticking my head in the toilet.I wonder what he ended up thinking about our encounter.”I need a ride to the airport” I said matter of factly.It was decided that I should be taken to the nearest penitentiary.”He drove off and I went searching for a garden hose.without further ado I exit the eighteen wheeler.I was the only one in this room. I eventually looked at him.chaos was my creature and he was about to enter the building.”As he was searching my cigarrettes and wallet for drugs.I ran.”he tells me and so.especially when I don't know what I'm waiting for.didn't expect you but I can't say I'm not glad you're here as it was he that got me out of that room and into a hospital bed sipping .like I said. Blvd but I'm guessing.I resisted turning my head towards him because I was being instructed not to do so but he did it for so long.Chaos.god doesn't let things go easy.plus.I've never been real good at sitting around waiting.Immediately.nora edward ira.
Makes no sense to me and it didnt when I was nine years old.my surroundings had improved one hundred fold but sometime during my walk I had committed the cardinal sin of moving on without picking up my marbles.In my excitement to find out I would be released forthwith I mentioned to the guy that I had eaten his lunch and his reaction was rather subdued.for the kids but also to see if any of the questions I had could be answered.Only problem was .After a while in the hospital I was taken to get the rest of my marbles.one of which contained a man whom although he didn't know it yet.Once there .We had to get undressed and searched before we left the jail.The bailiff overheard my confession and was kind enough to place me in my own cell so as to spare me a beating.The heavy door shut again and I was alone in the cell.I worked as a painter.That's me.I had to figure it out so I could do it someday.Sort of.Not until I heard all the outrage I had caused.My dad remarried and his new wife had decided to get saved.That one request that I'm sure he just took for granted as a symbolic giving of oneself to Christ.Seems I lost all of them.baptised. after relaying that snippet of info to a friend. The next few years were rather normal.I guess it takes a little time to lose them all so it takes a little time to put them all back.For the longest time I just couldn't wrap my mind around how public baptism equaled being saved equaled being born again and how these three things equaled heaven in the after-life.Somehow.They were being kept in the Alameda County Hospital's Psychiatric Unit so I had to go get them.Totally unexpected for me to be whisked out of that prison but sometimes genius just happens.standard procedure you might say. that he seemed to think it one of the underlying causes of a prison riot.The thing that most troubled me about organized religion was the concept of being born again.an absolute sidewalk licking experience involving the complete loss of any sense of reality and lived to not only tell about it but I actually fully recovered.In order to keep me locked up long enough to get back to my senses they charged me with being in a public place under the unlawful influence of drugs.or idiot savant but no matter.it was just a formality but it did necessitate a court appearance.get into a paddy wagon and get transported to the court.I was much better thanks to chaos and a tip of the hat to Elvis.The morning of my arraignment was uneventful.no thought whatsoever as to the logic behind it.For the most part I stayed as far away from anything intense but a part of me was open to having a church to go to.There was no question that I was innocent.A tall black man in an orange jumpsuit entered my cell and took a seat a good distance away from me.For a while.I was led to a cell and took a seat to await my turn before the judge.When the door slid open again it was my turn to head into court and I took my seat next to a number of orange jumpsuits.I'm sure they have been started for less offenses than a crazy wood eating a kin folks twizzlers.met and married my wife.born again by wading out into a big clear fish tank and having a public dunking and dad thought it a good idea for me to do the same.Could be.successfully participated in the births of three baby boys.all or nothing.A few minutes into my wait the heavy metal door made a loud clicking sound and then slid open by itself.I didn't know that standard procedure would have put us together again.I also had trouble with how being dunked under water saves me and now that I'm saved I'm now born again.I also didn't know how close I had come to being killed.through no fault of my own I had managed to have a psychotic episode.There-in lies my entire struggle in this life.do you jump off the same bridge without knowing what the guy that died failed to account for?When you see what damage .was going to want to hurt me.seems that someone had found them and put them in a bottle marked Haldol and the ones that didn't fit in that bottle were put in one marked Lithium.Alone except for a brown paper sack that contained an inmates lunch.of course.Life had returned to what most folks would consider normal.He wasn't unfriendly but I didn't get the feeling he wanted to talk.orange juice with two pretty nurses asking me if there was anything else I needed.All was not lost however.One request guided my life ever since and I can say I'm never bored.I dont know where I got the courage but I had to tell him that I didn't understand it and that I would have to do it again some other time so I wasn't going to do it and I stood firm .The only thing that wasn't normal was my relationship to God.A few minutes and the heavy metal door slid open and the orange suit left.I was told many years later.What he didn't seem able to get was the idea that when you see someone jump off a bridge and die.
Eve and the serpent it seems to me that it was a sexual sin.I'll be the first one to agree with something that makes sense and what I suppose could just be the rantings of a crazy person shouldn't be taken as fact because I have none.the part where God lays down the punishments to Adam.how I got there and what it means to me.They didn't scare me though and one time after a particularly moving prayer.a nine year old fool.my spiritual sickness was my failure to grasp the need for a Saviour.He freaked me out as well.was the Big cheese himself.only experiences and my interpretations.menstruation and tells her that her desire shall be for her husband.His law is written on your heart.I'm sure that what makes sense to you makes sense to you.Now I'm a forty-two year old fool still looking for the doorway but I did find Nemo.I would have my second helping of sidewalk before finally settling in to small business ownership and an honest but ill fated attempt at financial stability.All I'm talking about is where I've been.pretty much the first.Many crazy things took place but I haven't the patience to document them all but the main happenings.seriously.one causing the yellow pages to completely rewrite itself in an instant.I was lucky I wasn't assaulted.if you should choose to accept it.I applied myself to the American way.an atheist with a firm handle on what you believe or have a different take or no take at all.Told me stories about how he would suck the souls of the dead Viet Cong into himself instead of letting them float on.know that this is one mans search for answers that have taken him for a ride.especially if they were fool enough to even be considering jumping off the same bridge.That's all I was.any fool would want to make sure they comprehended the actions they would take.First character I meet.I liked him and he thought I was the craziest fool he'd ever met.Right on Ron was the name I gave him. Having the responsibility of mouths to feed and bills to pay. I was so excited to be finally able to move forward in my quest for answers.the new found enlightenment would not be contained and within a few weeks I was off the deep-end.I stepped outside and noticing a small army of those things darting in and out of the amber waves of grain across the street I couldn't help but yell to them “Hey!I changed the book!”It was quite hilarious watching them start to tremble but not being one .I have absolutely no desire to convince the reader of any doctrinal interpretations of scripture or what you have found to be solid foundational beliefs.Being stagnated for so long in my quest .Your mission.Soon.I had to get out of dodge before I got punched.They hid themselves because they knew they were naked and because He says enmity shall exist between two seeds it stands to reason that we have two races of folks with the same mother.To Eve He gives pain in childbirth.If what I have to say goes against those beliefs understand that I'm still learning.all I've done is try to make sense out of some rather simple questions.Sounds reasonable to me and it answers many questions plus it opens up the bible to a moron like me. So it was a sexual sin.When all the blood is intertwined how could anyone be destroyed without someone with the ability to weigh hearts. Religion is a crazy subject and I feel I must preface this part of the story.It wasn't long before I started seeing little shadow people.Part of my problem.read what follows and stay sane.One race approved of and one race destined for destruction.freaky but we drank a lil together and just kinda meshed while I was slipping further into the pool.the next church I found myself in.and I come not but for the lost sheep of the house of Israel have a meaning in the light of a sexual interpretation.just like the ones in the movie Ghost. it was all I could do to contain my excitement when I showed the preacher my discovery.Souleater. along with their thrusters deserve mention.I never did that again.Who knows .men of God they were/are.I wasn't there but if you read Genesis. Unbelievable.If you are a staunch conservative with a firm handle on what you believe.I'm hoping Dory makes it easy.blindly following God can do.that's it. I didn't think I was being anti-christian but afterwards.church-going was gone for me. a second episode would begin to surface and it would stick around for about two or three weeks and in that time a few events took place that shed some light on why I suffer through spiritual issues.I put my swimsuit on before I left Phoenix and by the time I arrived in Idaho I had lost my regular clothes.
not by way of death but by way of faith.Something is out there and we began to have a conversation.to lie.some act of complete and total belief.I had been hanging out with him for the last few days and felt confident that what ever he had done he wouldn't do it again.Father certainly isn't going to be deposed by me nor anyone else for that matter.the phone book!”And so it began.The smallest and most insignificant wrongs from as far back as I could remember.If death had been my plan I would have dove for the tires.faith or common sense.I certainly felt responsible but I guess God nor man required payment in such a way. bad things can happen.such a thought is ludicris but I did it anyway.When talking to my mom later telephonically.You become one with your soul and if its filled with too much pride or not enough compassion or lacks love.some hurt themselves. I felt so bad I offered to pay for the windshield.I followed my initial announcement with”Not that book.they asked If I was willing to pay for the damage and without hesitation I most certainly agreed.when I saw the absolute look of shock on the little old ladies face.miles and this time would be no different.somehow it occurred to me that if I exhibited some sort of doubtless faith.Aren't you miserable in a world full of fools?I was not ready to give up my chance to escape.find something you must do and nothing will stop you not even mountains. of course it wasn't hindsight then.When I have a psychotic experience its a sure thing I will be walking.Confident enough to mean what I was asking.I whisked right out in front of a Ford Escort and the windshield shattered. some are medicated into zombie's. It didn't even enter my realm of concsiousness that I might be considered suicidal.When the police showed up they asked me what happened and when they saw I had close to nine-hundred bucks in my wallet.the answer came in the form of a question .I deduced it must mean a must road see. I liked him. while you sleep. Wading further out .others suffer from uncurable fear.the money I had earned as a painter during my short stay was not used to reimburse the lady.When the dust finally settled and I reconciled my books.”He didn't say anything else but my sense was that His answer to my question would be the same as my answer to His question.”Of course I can forgive everyone who ever wronged me.Well.Then the recollections got more recent and more severe but with only two or three memories requiring a double-think it was an easy answer.Not cause I care about the devil.He asked “Can you forgive anyone whoever did you any wrong?”I'm higher average but that was genius. I'm reminded of the .anything you see or hear is given every consideration as to what it should mean and all of these ideas can just stop on a dime or walk a straight line.Thoughts race and connect and link together.Immediately thoughts began to flood in.The walking.it wasn't from me. “Why can't we forgive Satan?” I mean.I most certainly wasn't trying to hurt myself and the fact that I didnt even lose my footing during my leap out of here goes to show that suicide was not my plan.I would be immediately whisked away and be given a seat at the table of Gods.things done which were never to be recalled sprang forth one then another and another.A light went on and I could comprehend their reasoning but they just didn't understand my purpose. Right at the moment of no return.I couldn't help but laugh at the types of recollections coming back to me .I mean without a shadow of a doubt .That doesn't happen when your'e being taken for a walk on the wild side.I wanted the hell out of here.none of which brought forth the slightest hesitation to forgive.which makes sense.He's mysterious and I was happy to have an opportunity to champion the cause.I just want the world to be what it should.In hindsight. There is so much stimulus out in the world that your brain automatically filters sound and thought and other information it deems superflous and processes much of it later.not that I could ever escape.many more self medicate and does anyone ask why so many are afflicted with mental illness.an answer so sweet.The BatMan shooter comes to mind but it doesnt always happen that you find out about a spiritual sickness casualty.I explained how I was in the lockdown part of Kootanai County Hospital's psychiatric unit and thats when she told me they think I'm suicidal.Immediately I knew my interpretation of the faith of a mustard seed parable was way off since I was still here.never stopping for air.
Every hour a few minute smoke break could be had so during my first one I realised the wind was calling me.Why not.an oustretched arm reached towards me from across the room and slowly but deliberately the metal door frame became a glowing white and battleship grey lifeform of its own. Since I was still here and not in Valhala.If were all dust trees.I was free as a bird in seconds flat.Difficult to get it started and it was all I could do to keep it open at all.my marbles had been located in the same two pill bottles as before and my return to sanity was uneventful.It being a hospital more than a jail.the thought occurred to me that I could offer myself as a sacrifice for the sake of everyone else.Once I explained my motive for escape.”you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave. It dawned on me that I wasn't happy in this world.then the term industry says it all.I wasn't suicidal but couldn't argue with appearances.it won't be from lack of effort.my preferance was just to watch but when He surrounded my all sides I walked backwards towards my bed and layed down..finding it necessary to selfmedicate from a young age in order to function.the funeral pyre that burns forever so that creation could sustain itself eternally if possible and at least till the next bleeding heart can come along.With my eyes tightly shut and me lying there french kissing the wall I saw him.As a tortured soul.they seemed to understand and it was no harm no foul.escape was an easy task.He appeared as a bright angel of light.Alas.it may have behooved me to question it but I didn't and the portal was opened.This being began to communicate with me telepathically and I was instructed to open a portal in the wall as I lay in bed on my side.It's not the place itself but rather the way that it's being managed.y'know.The search wouldn't begin just yet however as I hadn't lost them all.Eagles song.Two.”That's not big enough!It must be bigger!”I could hear inside my head as I continued to lay on my bed with my lips plastered to the wall.My first opportunity to put my plan into action occurred very soon after I was admitted into the psyche ward..He was trying to tell me something but what I never deciphered.and me being just one.there were three options as to what could have happened.I was charged with something minor in order to keep me safe.I could've caused the rapture and myself and anyone still here were in hell.”Bigger!Bigger!”were my instructions so with all my mental energy expending and all the force of breath I could exert without letting any air escape out of the vaporlock created by my lips I managed to create a sizable portal.He had on the classic devil suit.No one told the other side and so I had a visitor.finally have the kind of world so many of us long for. dust we are and to dust we shall return.I answered the call by running up to and jumping over the wooden grape stick fence that surrounded the outdoor smoking patio of the hospital.Interestingly enough.By the next morning it would be official and they weren't gonna be as easy to find this time it seemed.Not being sure what this portal was for or where it was connecting too.my actions had zero effect on anything except for the little old lady driving the Ford Escort. While still under the influence of a mind with a mind of its own.In order to create the wormhole it was necessary that I blow into the wall much like blowing up a very small balloon.well it seemed like the thing to do.a red .I mean who am I but one man.One.It was treated as if it never happened.My idea was along the lines of being the oil.Within one week they moved me into the volunteer part of the psychiatric ward and one week later I was on a return flight to Phoenix.able to give myself for the cause of man.Standing underneath the metal door frame that encased the passageway from my room to the common area I was transfixed by the goings on across the room.crystalline in structure with the ability to shapeshift into limitless visuals.day turned into night and it was decided I could be left alone.It was as if it wanted me to take its hand but I was not really feeling into it.Compared to the number of souls that could benefit from such an act.After what seemed like quite a while .before the match could be struck to set the world on track again the hospital staff had run out the front and side doors to catch me.I was being shown a crib and it morphed into a playground and then continued to tell me some sort of story which never really led anywhere.The devil himself.my theory about certain parables was faulty or three .”if I never do escape.and within a matter of a few minutes I was back inside having to begin the search for my marbles .similar to what had been done seven years prior in northern California.
an entity came through the other way.although at my expense.the smell of charred wood and soot permeates the entire structure and as a remedy to this the painting would consist of coating the entire structure with a fairly noxious substance.Not wanting to come back the next day to finish.never identified with our system of education.It hadn't been but maybe two or three years since my episode in Idaho.When you have a fire.I was unable to tend to to it as I was having a vision.Idaho.trying to conform to a way of life considered normal.had flown to Idaho and helped to rescue me from a six month stay in the state run mental institution located in Aurafino.If you had a flood or a fire my company would come in and paint.He appeared in my mind and proceeded to laugh hysterically at me as he traipsed across my forehead and disappeared through the portal. The next morning.I never worried that it had been a bad thing I did because I was about to empty the whole damn place so I know that if it were part of the plan .Beginning to relax a bit while appreciating his humor.In pursuit of that end I worked consistently and was blessed to have a decent paying job which allowed me to realise my goal of small business ownership.I couldn't help but to laugh too as he was only the size of a tiny flea and the wormhole I was sustaining with nearly every ounce of energy I could muster was big enough to drive a truck through.cleaning up again .Needless to say.I wasn't having much luck getting the back of my head to stop boiling.so I wasn't due for my next one for another four years.and through my dads mother I had been exposed to it from a young age.this most recent episode was a little bit scarier and wanting to maintain my connection to reality more than to ask seek and knock.I was still conscious and I could hear my sprayer gasping for more paint because it was swallowing air and for an airless sprayer.spandex leotard with black tights.I was not alone.a pitchfork in one hand.the vortex was closed and as I lay there in bed I wondered who they were. You have to wear a respirator when spraying this stuff and since its an oil based material you have to clean your tools with turpentine or other hot thinner.Guinness and Real Ska vodka.when the doctor came into my room to check on me I decided that medicine might help.Painting was a natural fit for me since it didn't require formal education.my gaze became directed towards my feet and what I saw came as a complete surprise.I still don't know but I felt good that I was able to free them from hell.After about fifteen to twenty minutes of that I was done and went outside and passed out on the front yard grass.It was as if I was on top the world and nothing was in my way.I've always been a good sport.CHAMPION PAINTING..Passed out isn't exactly accurate.Directly below me.After commending me for my choice of alcohol..That one would come but in the meantime I had a vision.back home with my wife and kids.I took off my mask and took a deep breath.He got me . This is where I settled into my role as a dad and husband.sprayed a couple of passes and ran back out to get more air.Looking around in awe.One of the jobs we got was with a company that specialized in insurance work.I was a free man.the view was fantastic.During the course of restoring a nearly burned down house in the Phoenix suberbs I was tasked with applying this coating.I wouldn't have been admonished for the two I did help.its like a fish out of water.ran inside.after having attempted suicide(as it were)and escaping from the lockdown part of the psyche ward.My wife.I told him where my marbles had been found before and two weeks later.I took another break from my search for answers but I did have a new outlook on what was going on biblically although it was incomplete I was much better.Aura fix as it was known to the local sidewalk tasters.When nearing the end of this smell killing operation it became apparent that my respirator was ineffective due to the volume of product sealing the house required.LLC was born and it lived for a couple of years.each standing on his own clear platform and .not by a long shot..bless her heart.extending for as far as the eye could see were seemingly limitless entitities.He escaped and so did another.it was funny.he got me good but I had to admit. I was standing high in the clouds.At the time I was the only employee so the job fell on me.THAT'S ENOUGH!! in a very intimidating voice filled my head and I was scared.My marbles had been in those bottles before and try as I might .etc.Immediately my eyes opened.raised up so that the three prongs made him appear to have five horns but I could tell the difference.
qualifying itself as the dreaded number of the beast.nothing was strange to me anymore.Multiply that times six hundred.So unbelievable in fact that if the truth about the waste in this country were to become public knowledge.Again multiply times eight thousand and you get a number representing.toy stores.Some find it strange that to gain secret knowledge you must lose your mind.but the events of that day would spark another episode in my life but not a psychotic one.money has no intrinsic value anyway.This event was extremely moving to me.I was on top.the number of those stores peppered statewide and you get some huge numbers.It seemed to me that if you really wanted to terrorize the American people.it can only discharge . he asked”Hey. With my soul and the souls of my family in mind it became an overnight concern of mine to figure out how to support my loved ones if we were to be confronted with not being able to buy or sell.It was obvious to me that installation of the cameras had to have been initiated well prior to the attack in New york but no one else seemed to notice.It would be a few years later before my next visit from the little bird.housewares..As soon as the one directly below me was able to get my attention. I was on hiatus.When you add in supermarkets.The actual numbers are unbelievable I'm sure.would it be allright if I checked out your spot for a second.as training for survival in the coming new world.much less debate their timing.implanting such a device into people would allow big brother to know who was where and when so as to have an instant suspect list thereby simplifying the process of bringing those responsible to justice.Such an implant could also serve as a depository of health and banking info thereby.and why not.in my mind .If you want to know where anyone is at anytime.When reality would break . Needing a replacement income for now but more importantly.sporting goods.It's not easy being perceived as a nut.I've never been up there before?”I aquiesced to the seemingly benign request and immediately upon exchange I knew I would never regain my spot.He would bring comprehension to my understandings.on the conservative side.the list is enormous and believe it or not if they make it they throw out two for each one they sell at least.this is an attempt to explain it a little.it's created as evidence of debt and since a debt cannot pay a debt.I'm not sure exactly how my new business started.I had been deposed voluntarily and there I would remain for eternity.It wouldn't require very many casualties and the world as we know it would never be the same..mainly because it was telling me something although I knew not what and also because it had occurred during a time in which spiritually. My experience with capitalism left a lot to be desired and it was easy for me to walk away from my company when corporate renewal reared its ugly head.it would start to get weird though and soon.The questions I had to have answered were still with me but I would learn that to keep a sound mind my search would have to be peppered with reality breaks.This vision would give me reason to ponder for years to come and over time many thoughts as to what it meant would meander through the recesses of my mind.not yet.Almost immediately I began to wonder how such an incident would be prevented from happening again and I also began to think about what true terrorists would do.I started dumpster diving. September eleventh started as any other working day would. I know that comes off as completely ludicris thinking but I can't help it.Professional dumpster diving may sound ridiculous but do you believe it impossible in this throw away world?What have you thrown out lately?Multiply that times three.Eventually I would settle on a theory.It has been theorized that once the infrastructure is built.It was a modest enterprise initially but to my surprise I found it very lucrative and within six months I had turned pro.The number of pharmacy/drugstores it takes to average three hundred a week reselling shrink at the swap-meets.you just haven't seen what I've seen. There is a technology called radio frequency identification that is being used by retailers to count product inventory.I knew it by reason of my yearslong reality breaks.One week after the infamous twin tower's destruction I noticed that cameras had been installed along the major access roads servicing the airport and thought to myself how odd that those cameras would make such a quick appearance and how nothing in government materializes so quickly.people would stop buying anything.all it would take is a few suicide bombers to explode in a convenience store anywhere in the country.the amount of shrinkage produced on a national level by just one type of retail outlet weekly.
I'm comfortably numb in a way but still able to tie my shoes. But I digress.No one wants such a role in an eternal play but everyone wants to be free from death.The system has made us criminals by virtue of adhering to what we believe is common sense.On television presently.That's my hope but it's not the reason for my search.He then begs the question.let us move in order since order is what I've tried to make from the chaos I've been shown.I often think I'm the lead idiot. the same experiences given to any and all in the same measure up to the point of their emotional and spiritual collapse. and that my doing so was considered quite extraordinary .It's an unescapeable feeling of abandonment and fear.we as consumers are in reality tort feasors.the rewards of such a find might just be worth it.we really do live in a free country.Now begins my quest for the door and once found .It is as real as anything can be in this world and it was starting to become one with my full time normal environment of trees and people and traffic and the day to day of life as we know it.Through the crazy thinking lies a world unknown to most.I wish I was better able to convey the seriousness of my experience.”what if I'm not technically alive ( I hear “legally”)? He continues with “You know.it was weird.a pre hell hell .Words don't seem to do it justice and the acts that could bring home how sick I am will never materialize because I'm at peace with my fate.alas Im still in the process of entering the promised land myself.I just want to be free from the rules that a bunch of idiots blindly enforce because another bunch of idiots live here.what is legal.the obligation.But..A defeatists paradise is what many have made this place for themselves after having the experiences I've had and I do believe they are the same ones.No small accomplishment after having danced with the who-man.Another time though.listen.they wanted my brains to eat.by the Father himself.we are considered deceased and I think that's the secret.what the differences are and how they relate to one another in the context of history.Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction and when you start to think about it.Sometimes the thought occurs to me that maybe the story of Jesus was prolificated in order to get a Jesus because the world needs one to be the cure and then everyone else can enjoy the world as it was meant to be.No. you had to be there.not only are the thoughts unavoidable.The zombie guy walks up to the sales rep and brings up the lifetime service price.Law is a funny thing and I started to look into it. .When a famous man said “You shut up the kingdom of heaven and those that were entering.I'm their leader.in law.I'm still waiting to lose my mind and I'm beginning to think it may not happen.Sprint. He flew off without me and left me with visions of being hunted down by all the other souls that were left behind because being a self confessed sun of God would make me an eternal flame which if caught could temporarily quench their never-ending thirst as well as offer some recompense for leading them astray in the first place.then having become worthless they are of no use to the godmonster and the next third eye to pop open gets singled out for blindness. disease and the pains this life has so much of.not since Jesus.the cellular carrier is running an ad campaign featuring a zombie.My research tells me that technically.. the funny part is hardly anyone has the slightest clue as to what was meant by it.I feel like I'm on the cusp of finding the secret to living a life God can be proud of me about and with His pride in my having found the kingdom . well it's funny you think that .you hindered.I prefer to avoid those thoughts but when they come during the times I'm walking the line between this world and that one.what if you were say undead?” The sales rep says “Like a zombie?” Then the guys ear falls off as if to say to the viewer.you say.I know what you're thinking.We shall see.I'm sure many people have been injured by someone abandoned by God.It might not be so hard to believe if I told you that they dont just let you go away.enough to cause your heart to stop or your mind to snap.they are so real .Later I would find out that know one had ever actually volunteered for such a role.Would that scare you?I ask because I don't know what to feel anymore..I don't know.The one fool who fell for the role of eternal sacrifice.”He was not joking .an eternal paradise. A decade has passed and more since the days of my decision to become a societal dropout..What's done is done and to live life in fear or anger will only make what could be my only solace. entering through will involve learning what the law is.
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