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MAINTAINING AND BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS

NOT EVERYONE MUST BE YOUR FRIEND EVEN WHEN EVERYONE CAN BE YOUR FRIEND | Ntege Eric

MAINTAINING AND BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS
My title up here looks somehow funny I do not know whether you thought about it, I somehow believe that making friends is not all that hard, because I have tried to recall how my friends became my friends and if I was write the ways I remember… I would be wasting your time reading this article. You could be good at making friends yet not good at maintaining and building long relationships, the fact is that relationships are hard and things do not always go perfectly, conflicts do occur, and it takes a 100% commitment from all parties to make it a success. Often when people break off a relationship, they feel as though something is missing, inadequate and unfulfilled. There are hundreds of things you can do to better your relationship. To help get you headed in the right direction, but let’s look at a few ways to build, strengthen, and enhance your relationship. Start Over Again When we first meet with people many at times we tend to over look those tiny annoying things people do but as time goes by we get fade up and feel like quitting yet this does not solve anything. At points like this we need to sit down and be honest that things have changed. Identify the things we did in the beginning of the relationship that created the attraction in the first place. Then together, make a commitment to start over. The truth is, all of us will have to work on this. It will not automatically be easy but it is possible. Start by forgiving each other, forgetting the past, and then start over again but remember it will take some time so be patient. Schedule Time Spending quality time together is crucial. This time can be with friends, dining out, attending a sporting event, or cuddling together while watching a favorite movie. The activity is not what is important but the fact that you are together, doing something that you both enjoy. People have extremely busy schedules and between work, family, the home, errands, and everything else going on, finding time for each other or a group can be difficult but just as you would schedule a meeting on your calendar, show some courtesy in the relationship by scheduling time with each other. Once the plan is in place, no backing out unless you have some life and death emergency. Need for Space As important as it is to spend quality time together, it is equally important to give each other time to do something they like. For the fact that we all have been given different talents, we will always find friends with different interests which will create the need to create room for others to do what they love most. Do not try to control your friends Real friendship does not mean you always have to be together. It may be tempting to have a fun person all to yourself, and feel threatened when your friend spends time with others. If you are afraid to let your friends out of your sight, you are probably afraid of losing them. Good friendship will endure time spent apart. You and your friends may learn to appreciate each other even more. Never force anyone to do what they do not Love to do.
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Focus on what you can give to a friend, not what you get out of a Friendship If being happy is your only motive for wanting someone to be your friend, then you are not being a real friend. Don't get caught up in keeping tabs on who has given most in the friendship. Give to your friends regardless of how much they give to you. Learn to accept personality differences in your friendship Be careful not to evaluate other people by how you react in a particular situation. Do not automatically take your friends' behavior personally. Encourage your friend Real friends inspire and push each other to be the best that they can be, rather than drag each other down. They are happy when other people achieve their goals. Be willing to forgive. Don't let hurt turn to grudge. This is one sure way to destroy a friendship. Forgive your friend and move on. Be reliable When you say you are going to do something or be there, always keep your word and your promise since keeping promises to yourself builds your own sense of self worth. Surprise If you scheduled some time for a get together, put together a surprise instead. This best done when you what your friend(s) like most. The idea of you getting their favorite and then keeping it as a special surprise will touch the heart! Give praise where it due When you notice something good about you friend a word of well done, that was cool will help keep your relationship alive and moving rather than making complaints only. Use technology to your best With the presence of mobile phones and access to the internet for free emails, an sms or email with words of encouragement and for the cause of finding out how your friend is makes it clear of your love and care for your relationship. Making your Presence felt This is always best when things are not going on well in other people’s lives; it’s being there for the good and bad times. It will always make a whole lot difference in someone life. I remember this one time when we visited a sick friend of ours and after our visit he said he was feeling much better than we found him. Celebrate with them if your friends are excited about something. But don't be there just for the good times. When your friend is upset about something, give them your full attention. Most of the time, what friends really need is a sympathetic ear, someone who understand their feelings.

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Offering a hand of help when need arises We leave in a world of uncertainties where man is not an island and for the friends we have they will always need a hand of help when need arises. So we ought to avail our self to our friends whenever we see need in their life. Gifts and cards on special days Knowing people’s birthdays or sending Christmas cards, get well soon cards in any relationship will help keep it healthy and reveal your love for each other. Tactfully point out your friends mistakes. This is one way to show concern for others. If you really care, you will tactfully point out a specific mistake for their good. But once you've brought the problem to your friend's attention, don't harp on it all the time. Don't walk away from a friendship when you see some of your friend's faults. Be patient with friends as they try to change. Realize that nobody is perfect Do not be a blabbermouth Learn and be willing to keep each other's secrets, in this way you will be able to build trust in each other making your relationship grow stronger every new-year. Do not let arguments destroy your friendship Suppose you're having a discussion with a friend and after you've said what you think is true, they still disagree. Don't keep arguing until you get mad with each other. Just drop it. Your desire to win the argument may ruin your friendship. Constructive Criticism This when offered in the right tone will make a whole lot difference in friendship. Take an example when say “Eric I do not feel comfortable with the time you come for a sound check” this will make the person you talking to listen to what have to say than when you say “Hey Eric! What time are you to be here for a sound check?” H0W TO OFFER CONSTRACTIVE CRITICISM Constructive Criticism is one of the best of way keeping relationships healthy and when offered in the right tone will make a whole lot difference in friendship. The problem with most people who give criticism is that they almost always feel they could do it better. This brings to mind the obvious question, which is - if they could do it better, then why aren’t they doing it? As leaders, we are always targets for criticism and so be it; I think that’s part of the deal. Where we fail is that we don’t help our team members by training them how to deliver criticism or feedback in the best ways. Let’s take a look at this:
1. Take an honest look at where you’re coming from. If there’s some anger or resentment

toward the team member, then you’re probably not the best person to offer them advice.

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2. Start and end with a compliment. Find something good to say about your team member,

this will help him or her take in your advice. At the end of the conversation, it will help your team member to feel that they aren't a failure or that you're not angry. 3. Listen to your own voice. The tone of your voice can communicate as much (if not more) than the words you choose. If there is an edge to your voice it will be harder for your team member to take in your request. 4. Eye contact is important. It helps both of you stay focused and it communicates sincerity. It will also help you stay on topic. If you're working on the computer or busy with something, stop what you're doing and look at the person you're speaking to. 5. Choose the best time and place. Never give criticism in public, in front of another person, or when you or your team member may be too tired or hungry to deal with it appropriately. If you're physically uncomfortable you may not be in the best frame of mind to talk about a difficult subject. 6. Do your best to avoid hurting any ones feelings. Use a softened start-up followed by a gentle suggestion. 7. Talk about the behavior not the person. Feedback is not about insulting someone's behavior; it's about telling him or her how to be better. For example, you would never say to a child, "You are a mistake." Instead you would say, "You made a mistake." 8. Use gentle humor if possible. If you can deliver criticism in a light-hearted manner, it will be received in a much more positive way. Humor doesn't diminish the seriousness of the feedback you are giving, it actually helps the person receiving the direction to open up and take it in. 9. Work with your team member to improve the situation. This will help them to make the appropriate adjustments sooner rather than later. It will also strengthen your bond as a team. Making changes is easier if you have someone supporting you. 10. Don't harp. Once you have asked for what you need from your team member, let it go. If you have to ask someone to do something four times, I can promise you that the person in question has heard what you have to say. If you've reached an agreement or agreed to disagree, let it go and move on, holding a grudge is a waste of time. So where are you today? When you carefully look at relationships there are a couple of elements that will make it or break it, take a look at the level of Communication and trust you have in each other for example, does the way you communicate with others make you feel loved and appreciated? Or does it only frustrate you and make you feel sad, alone, and misunderstood? Communication should be done with extra care for the fact that when we communicate there is a hidden "subtext" that is, what we really mean, or are really asking for. When communicating with people, you should ask yourself whether what you do and say to others inspires them to want more with you and to open up in a way they never have before. Relationships need trust to develop and flourish. A friendship with no trust can be compared to a plant without water. Sooner or later it will dry up and die. Trust, applied too late cannot revive a relationship that is past restoring. If we take the same amount of time building trust in our relationships as many of us do building our bank accounts, we will find ourselves thriving like a well cultivated plant, plentifully watered and flourishing in fruitful and enduring friendships.
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I have walked the planet on which we live for some good years now and I have seen this so true in practice “Birds of the same feather flock together” , have you ever asked yourself why you not every ones friend? Or why you do not like some people? Or you once thought that a particular person would be your partner in rhyme but latter found out they would not? Okay let face it the way it is, not everyone must be your friend even when everyone can be your friend, ending unhealthy friendships is difficult, but you have to know when it's time to say good-bye to a bad friend for your own sake! Drifting apart happens even when you were once very close friends: people move, life circumstances change, priorities are shifted, jobs lost or found…people simply change, and the friendship changes too. Sometimes you just lose touch and move on. Other times you end friendships on purpose, especially if they're weak or unhealthy friendships. When you're ending an unhealthy friendship, you decide to say good-bye for good and cut off all contact with bad friends. Whether it's deliberate or a matter of drifting away, ending friendships can be hard to do and to accept even if your friend was bad or your friendship unhealthy but there are things you can do to make it respectful and a little easier to cope with.
1. Show respect for the other person and yourself and break-up face to face. Don’t be

fearful of doing the break-up while looking at that person in the eye after all you doing it for your own benefit if not theirs.
2. Pick a mutually comfortable spot and don’t break-up in a public place with other

people around, you won’t fall apart with total strangers watching. There’s nothing worse as this.
3. A long meal could be too much to endure with anger and tears overcoming the person, so

keep the meeting short. Better off for every one is a quick break-up date.
4. Avoid the cliché and don’t say the following: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”

and “It’s not you, it’s me.” 5. Recognize when it’s proper to save the other person’s feelings. Now is the time to stick to the real reason the relationship is ending, not to pick her or him apart with all the little things that drive you crazy, like eating habits and movie preferences.
6. Avoid analogies and just say “I don’t see our relationship going anywhere” or “I think

we’d both be happier with someone else.”
7. Going your separate ways really is best. You can be done after you call once. Say hello

and that you’re sorry, but no more. Dragging out a break-up might give the other person hope for reconciliation when there is none.
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All things on earth stand to be tested and so is what I have written so far, I hope this will be of help to you and am open to any contributions to this article. So do email me ntegeeric2002@yahoo.com

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