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Home Inspire His Love for You Newsletter Too Emotional When You Fight? Use “Safe Silence” October


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Home Inspire His Love for You Newsletter Too Emotional When You Fight? Use “Safe Silence” October

Too Emotional When You Fight? Use “Safe Silence”

October 31, 2012 by admin

  • I always had a hard time expressing my feelings constructively when fighting in relationships. I felt so

overwhelmed inside with sadness, anger, fear, anxiety that I felt like I was going to choke on all my feelings.

  • I couldn’t even speak because there was soooo much I wanted to say. I didn’t know how to tell my man that despite my anger at him I DESPERATELY NEEDED HIM to

help me feel better again. I needed him to soothe my pain and ‘hold’ some of my hurt for me. As my partner, I need that more than anything. My man is the only person

who can pull me from the bottomless well that I feel I am dropping down during a fight.

The problem is that he (and the men before him) always felt attacked before I even get out a word. Just my expression of overflowing negative emotion was enough for him to feel like a bad guy. Men can’t stand feeling like bad guys. Even bad guys can’t stand it. So instead of trying to soothe me and comfort me, he would end up shutting down, rationalizing with me, and then, when all else failed, calling me a crazy loon.

Of course, all this ever did was make things worse. I ended up blaming him, screaming, labeling him things like “ice cube” and “turtle stuck in a permanent shell of indifference”. One time I just texted him over and over and over and over until my index finger gave out.

This made him shut down, leave the room or shut off the phone, and the emotional abandonment I felt turned to physical abandonment and I was forced to calm myself down alone.

  • I ended up feeling so awful inside, so judged, so out-of-control and so unloved, that I would doubt my whole relationship. The loneliness and feelings of being

misunderstood made me feel so alienated and abandoned, it was as if he had taken me to the desert in a car, opened the door and threw me out to fend for myself. He, on

the other hand, just continued to call me crazy and over-emotional because he would rather think I’m nuts than dare to think he had hurt me so deeply.

First Try To Explain To Him How It Feels For You

Our fights are now rarely like this, but the above scenario continued and continued the same way for years. We’d be fine, enjoying an amazing relationship, and then I would get wounded and everything would fall to sh*t again. Finally, one day I wrote him a letter and tried to explain to him in this letter how it felt for me to experience such extreme feelings and how I needed him more than anything in those moments.

  • I wanted him to see that I was not in control at a certain point during an argument (once he emotionally dropped me and started criticizing me), and that I knew he felt like a failure when I started verbally attacking him.

If you are in the situation I was, write him a letter. The first step is to understand each other’s pain. Express to him how desperate you feel when he shuts down during an argument. Tell him that you love him and though you are yelling and blaming, you actually need him so much.

Give him a metaphor for how you feel (it’s like someone has put me in a sound-proof room and the walls start caving in; it’s like trying to reach out for something you need so badly and you can’t touch it; it’s like falling off a cliff and trying to be saved, etc.). Also express your concern for him at those times, “I know that you probably feel attacked and unappreciated. I don’t want you to feel that way and that isn’t my intention. I just get so desperate to be heard and I act out.” Apologize for your part and ask that he understand you. Ask him too what you both should do about it.

Fighting In Relationships: ‘Safe Silence’ Speaks Volumes

The next time we started having an argument I tried something: I felt inside like a pot that was going to boil over after I saw some shady emails that he left open on my computer. He was defending himself and walling up, preparing for my explosion. Instead of my usual yelling and arguing about how betrayed and scared I felt, I simply sat down on the sofa.

  • I just plopped down, curled up into a ball and sat there sobbing. He went to leave the room and I looked up at him and said, “ Please don’t leave.” He hesitated a moment

and then sat down in a chair across the room. We sat there (me crying, him uncomfortable and grumpy) but we stayed in the same room for an hour. No one spoke but no one left either. I actually poured him some tea and we sipped in quiet. It probably looked funny but it was also so healing to be able to be angry at one another and still not

abandon each other.

We were able to stay in the room and not attack one another only because of the letter I had sent. It had helped us relate with each other’s experience of an argument enough to know what not to do.

Just him being there helped me, and just me shutting up and self-soothing helped him. He wasn’t abandoning me and I wasn’t attacking him. Once we both calmed down, I asked him about the email and things got cleared up. I was able to listen to him, believe him and see that he had no intention of hurting me. He was able to see my hurt and

take care of my pain, without feeling overwhelmed, attacked and inadequate.

If you are like I am and your man is like mine, try what I now call ‘safe silence’. You do your part by feeling all your feelings without pushing him away with biting words, and ask him not to make you feel worse by attacking you (making you the wacko to save his ego) or by physically abandoning you (leaving the room).

Tell him that you don’t want to wound him and that when he starts judging you, you feel like he is taking all your feelings and dumping them back on you like a trash bin being thrown over your head. Tell him that the next argument might be survivable if both of you agree to shut up and calm down while remaining in the same room.

Talk Once The Emotion Subsides

Once you are calmer, tell him how you feel; “I feel upset and angry.” Then say no more. Listen to what he has to say. If he starts getting defensive and hostile, softly but firmly say, “I feel attacked right now. Please don’t get hostile.” He will calm down. If you both are too heated, agree to talk about things in an hour or so.

In Inspire His Love For You Sarah and I discuss communication in a relationship and how to deal with strong emotional reactions to rejection and insult. It’s so hard when we women get our feelings hurt to not go crazy, and it would be so amazing if more men didn’t jump ship (“I need space right now”) when we need them most. The program talks about how to better self-soothe in moments of crisis (so that he feels less overwhelmed) and how to express your feelings in a way that he can understand.

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take care of my pain, without feeling overwhelmed, attacked and inadequate. If you are like I

About the Author Of This Post

Kristina Marchant has always been fascinated by human behavior. She grew up an only child with lots of lonely alone time on her hands, which made her eager to understand the human connection she deeply craved.

When she was older, she got a BA in psychology at Barnard College at Columbia University and now has found her way into the romantic-love relationship niche, as a relationship coach who advises women on men and healthy relationship skills.

The decision to focus on dating and relationship advice for women came when she started having problems within her own marriage. She had spent years with her nose in academic books about the science of the human mind, and she couldn’t figure out her own husband’s head … or heart, at all.

Through the wisdom found in spirituality books and through strange life experiences, she began to see a light at the end of a painful, soul-searching tunnel. She began to realize that love wasn’t about games and power plays but about pure motives, honesty, trust and vulnerability. She then took her new discoveries into her dating relationships with men, and began to see amazing results.

She is now in the best relationship of her life! And… the man she’s with now, who treats her like gold and loves to service her every request, was once a self-proclaimed “emotionally unavailable commitment phobe.” She changed everything around for herself and took a seemingly doomed dating relationship and made it into a committed, loving, years-long relationship.

Come take a gander at Inspire His Love for You where you’ll learn common mistakes most women make in relationships.

Kristina has helped many women turn “impossible” relationships into fairytale romances! Don’t wait precious time. Your man needs and wants the kind of relationship you do, it’s just a matter of a little supple, sweet, feminine inspiration!

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