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U K E D I T I O N 3 .8 0




talks Filth with Irvine Welsh

NOT ENOUGH TIME OR MONEY? Find out why on page 62 Three in a bed: are you competing with a smartphone?

Best feel-good buys from head to toe


Three trips to transform your life

Make a fresh start!


Begin! Again, again and again. Its OK Commit! Take action with our 7-point plan Celebrate! Be brave and have fun + TEST: DISCOVER WHERE TO MAKE THE FIRST STEP



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The Big Conversation
* JOANNE FROGGATT AND IRVINE WELSH The actress and the author who have worked together on the lm of Welshs novel Filth talk about loss, forgiveness and making mistakes

21 IDEAS Trends, news and views 25 DEBATE Can men and women really be
just friends?


26 SELF-HELP CLASSICS Oliver Burkeman 28 30 33 34

revisits Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong by Kelly Wilson and Troy DuFrene BOOKS The months best reads FILM New movies hitting the big screen QUESTIONNAIRE Fiona Shaw talks bad habits, strange dreams and scratchy mittens STYLE Fall in love with orals this autumn

58 62 66 70

LOVE IN ACTION Jini Reddy reports on the move towards a gentler form of activism * WHEN LESS IS LESS Rosie Ifould explores how the science of scarcity afects your life INNOCENCE AND INEXPERIENCE Author Charlotte Mendelson recalls the difculties of being clueless about sex as a teenager COULD YOU MEET YOUR NEW BOSS AT THIS PARTY? How new technology and making the most of social situations is playing a bigger role than ever in nding a job THIS LITTLE DOG SAVED MY LIFE Anne Thorn explains how getting a puppy was the thing that helped her most though the dark days after her sons death IN SEARCH OF LOST PASTIMES Adele Parks had lots of hobbies as a girl. So why did she leave them all behind as an adult, she wonders?

38 * MAKE A FRESH START 40 Empty your mind

Mary Jaksch explains how to attain a Beginners Mind to help you get into the right headspace to make the changes you want


44 Starters orders
Always pursuing yet another new passion but never quite get around to nishing anything? Barbara Sher tells us why thats no bad thing


48 The unsung joy of a whirlwind romance

Lucy McCarry on the advantages of embarking on a romance just for the fun of it


52 What kind of fresh start do you need?

You know that you want to tackle some areas of your life, but how do you decide what to focus on? Let our test help you gure it out







* you just keep me hanging on Is your relationship with your smartphone now the all-consuming one in your life? Our special report looks at what constant connection is doing to us and our partners

118 my world Shoe designer Aruna Seth shows

us some of her favourite things at home

120 playing house Bring out your inner child

for a fun interior

126 ease into autumn Mouthwatering recipes

to bridge the gap between summer and winter

transformative trips to help sort out their lives

97 109 111 113 114

140 travel news A New Forest hideaway, plus

helpful eye masks and adventure holidays

7 9 11 18 37 56 146


editors letter letters events Win tickets to see Karen Ruimy dilemmas Advice from Lucy Beresford suzi godson on adolescent awakenings subscriptions Subscribe to Psychologies sally brampton is feeling thankful

Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013



keep calm Amerley Ollennu has some great stress-busting solutions to share * Psychologies positive beauty awards 2013 We reveal which products make us feel good as well as look good beauty school Jo Fairley is getting ready for the start of the new term wellbeing Catherine Turner reects on the advantages of adapting to the season this is the month to try Yamuna body rolling and make sure you eat a good breakfast just keep moving Suzy Greaves discovers the power of forming a healthy habit, running, which helps her cope with change in her life

Beauty & Living

133 food news Chocolate indulgence, one-pot

lunches and your new kitchen textbook

134 * new horizons Three women take


Luxury gold and diamond jewellery from Italy

For your nearest stockist, visit Jewellery illustrated from the Flexit Vendme collection Contributors
Editor Suzy Greaves Deputy Editor Lauren Hadden Art Director Vanessa Grzywacz

Dossier Editor Anita Chaudhuri Contributing Editor, Features Elizabeth Heathcote Contributing Editor, Food & Travel Rosie Ifould Entertainment Editor At Large Lorien Haynes Entertainment Editor Samantha Wood Features Writer Ali Roff (01959 543536)

After heated discussion around thePsychologiesofce about how constant smartphone usage was afecting our signicant relationships, our features writer ALI ROFF volunteered to examine her own experiences. It felt like time to look into how this strange love triangle had formed and what I could do about it, she says. As she uncovered statistics around our ever-increasing phone use, she also consulted her own emotions. Turn to page 85 for more. We were delighted to hear that shortly after author CHARLOTTE MENDELSON wrote an exclusive piece for us about sex and her teenage ugly years, her latest novel, Almost English, was longlisted for the Man Booker Prize. She says: Writing about those years was strangely enjoyable; being reminded of the hell of adolescence makes adulthood much easier to bear. Read about her journey from innocence to experience, page 66.


Beauty and Wellbeing Director Emin Ali Rushton Acting Beauty and Wellbeing Director Catherine Turner Acting Beauty and Wellbeing Editor Amerley Ollennu Beauty Columnist Jo Fairley


Picture Editor Lindsay Cameron Chief Sub/Production Editor Danielle Woodward Acting Chief Sub/Production Editor Anne-Claire Loughman

Editorial Director Emma Dublin Commercial Director Martyn Hammond Finance Director Joyce Parker-Sarioglu Chairman Steve Annetts Chief Executive Stephen Wright Managing Director Mandy Thwaites Operations Director Phil Weeden (01733 353372


Newstrade Distribution Marketforce (020 3148 3333) Head of Newstrade Marketing Eleanor Brown (

Advertising Manager Lindsey Cantello Acting Advertising Manager Simon Hyland (01959 543591) Ad Sales Executive (Beauty & Cosmetics) Jessica Sobey (01959 543707) Classified Sales Executive Victoria Reay (01959 543593) Commercial Manager David Lerpiniere (01959 543507) Production Supervisor Hannah Shipman (01733 353352,

It was the rejection of violence and the idea of harnessing values like sensitivity and kindness that catapulted me into the world of compassionate activism, explains journalist JINI REDDY, who this issue looks at a more gentle alternative to traditional activism for us on page 58.

Digital Publisher Vicky Ophield ( Digital Marketing Rebecca Gibson ( Head of Audience Development Andy Cotton ( For all general editorial enquiries, email

Photographer and Cornwall-native LEE SEARLE took on our shoot with Ele, a Morkie puppy (half-Yorkshire terrier, half-Maltese) who, just by being there, has changed the life of her owner, Anne. I know how unpredictable dogs can be, so we came armed with a stock of sausage treats and enthusiasm, he says. Ele was a pleasure to photograph and I feel this dog is a real hero. See page 76.


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Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is published monthly by Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn, Berrys Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG. Tel: 01959 541444. Website: Copyright 2013. All rights reserved. Nothing in this magazine may be reproduced in whole or in part without the written permission of the publishers. Transparencies and other material submitted for publication are sent at the owners risk and, while every care is taken, neither Psychologies nor its agents accept any liability for loss or damage. Although Psychologies has endeavoured to ensure that all information inside the magazine is correct, prices and details may be subject to change. PRIVACY NOTICE Kelsey Media uses a multi-layered privacy policy giving you brief details about how we would like to use your personal information. For full details, visit, or call 01959 543524. If you have any questions please ask as submitting your details indicates your consent, until you choose otherwise, that we and our partners may contact you about products and services that will be of relevance to you via direct mail, phone, email and SMS. You can opt out at any time via email:, or 01959 543524. Subscription enquiries: Back issues and subscription rates for 12 issues: Psychologies Magazine, CDS Global, Tower House, Sovereign Park, Market Harborough, Leicestershire LE16 9EF (0845 872 7385). Standard rate UK 45.60; Europe, USA and Canada 61.80; RoW, 66. If you cant find Psychologies in the shops, call Marketforce on 020 3148 3333. Printed by Wyndeham Roche. Digital editions of Psychologies are available on Apple Newsstand, Zinio and PocketMags. Please visit

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editors letter suzy greaves

Storytellers call a new beginning an invitation,


an invitation to embark on a heros journey, where you get to open a door and go through to a shiny, new adventure. And this month, we invite you to begin your very own heros journey. We invite you to wipe the slate clean by engaging your beginners mind on page 38, and then commit, be bold, stop waiting and start your journey right now. Its OK to feel hesitant, resistant and scared. You may have to let go of a role youve been playing or a sense of identity that youve taken on. When we challenge or let go of that perception of ourselves, we can feel confused. We were perhaps dened by a role mother/lover/rich man/ poor woman/big cheese and now that title no longer ts and we dont know who we are any more. Or at the start of a new era, we may just lack direction, guidance or a clue. Read Charlotte Mendelsons excruciating account of her rst explorations of the sexual landscape at school on page 66. Our sex expert Suzi Godson gives us a denite map of blossoming sexuality on page 37 and writes movingly of the adult experiences that Holocaust victim Anne Frank never got to enjoy. Whatever your new beginning whether you want to nd a new way of working (read the advice from the ve career gurus who teach us about the skills you need to create your dream job on page 70) or you want to gure out how to face your fears even when things might go terribly, horribly wrong (page 26), were giving you the tools to help you survive and thrive on this beginners journey however bumpy it may be. But at the end of the day, theres no substitute for action. For example, I learnt the theory of true contentment this summer at the Wilderness Festival. Sitting in theNow Eventstent where ourbrilliant Psychologies experts John Paul Flintof and Oliver Burkeman gave talks on how being in the present will make us happier and healthier, I nodded, took notes and agreed that now is where its at. Theory is all well and good but with the pull of

technology and the million demands that irt with our attention (read our special report on page 85 on why that damn smartphone really is irting with your partners attention), howdowe live it not just talk about it? Its easy, I discovered that very afternoon. Just join the roller disco. On the far reaches of a festival eld, I found a pumping disco where I got to wear yellow roller boots and dance the light fandango on wheels. Or fall down, scream and knock small children ying, in my case. But in two hours, with my tongue between my teeth, I went from hugging the side of the roller rink or random strangers, to staying upright to the whole of We Love To Boogie. I was fully present, didnt look at my smartphone once and was focused totally in the now (because I tended to take six people down with me if I wasnt). Nothing beats taking action. Begin. You dont have to be a disco diva on wheels (though I highly recommend it) but this month accept the invitation go on that date, sign up to that course, take the rst step. Or make your rst pirouette in your roller boots. Whatever works for you.

Follow us on Twitter @PsychologiesMag or join us on or





Thank you for Jessica Jones inspiring account of her recovery from breast cancer, and the breakdown of her relationship (August). My husband of 18 years walked out on me in the aftermath of my treatment for breast cancer, leaving me to bring up two teenage boys on my own, while he set up home with his new girlfriend. To make matters worse, my beloved mother died the following summer. The love and support of my sister and friends have seen me through, and, two years on, I am slowly starting to rebuild my life. Jessicas bravery and her willingness to risk loving again has reminded me to cherish what life has to ofer and open my heart to new opportunities. Im ready to trust again. Claire


Reading @Psychologies Mag for the rst time, loving the adventure!

@PsychologiesMag this Creating Space Dossier is really helping


POWERFUL STORIES I enjoyed reading Rebecca Solnits article about storytelling (August). I was recently involved in a project to record elderly peoples memories about their lives. As well as creating a collection of fascinating stories, the experience was very benecial for those taking part. Many people who had become marginalised from the community were brought back into the fold as they shared their stories. It was amazing to see. Gillian

STEREOTYPE SURPRISE As a huge fan of the Before lms, I was delighted to see Julie Delpy on the cover of your August issue. However, I was disappointed to read she wanted a son so that she could play sci- . Speaking as a 25-year-old, female electrical engineer who has experienced sexism in the industry, there is currently a great shortage of female scientic professionals worldwide and this is partly due to a perpetuation of gender stereotypes beginning at an early age. While theres no reason not to play Strawberry Shortcake with a daughter , theres no reason not to play rockets with daughters as well. Sam IN THE MOOD Your Debate page about having sex when youre not in the mood (August) made me chuckle; my boyfriend always thought he had a high sex drive until he met me! I wasnt always like this, but Ive found that the more comfortable I am in my own skin and the more connected I am with my partner, the more sex I want! Ill be sharing this article with him. Abby

One day a week, I am now switching of my phone, avoiding Facebook/Twitter, and not responding to emails. #makespace #metime

@PsychologiesMag I still have all the previous magazines. Nice little collection and handy references should I need help!

Waiting for my third annual mammo, reading @PsychologiesMag, found an interview with @itsjessyjones, feels like Ive got a friend with me

A selection of INA Crystals body and skincare, worth 159*. For more details, go to

@PsychologiesMag excited to start new book When Things Fall Apart as recommended by Suzy. Great feature and great editors letter. Thank you

Email or write to us at: Psychologies, Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn, Berrys Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG



Dance with a diference

Check out a dynamic evening of dance and conversation with Karen Ruimy, and log on for a one-hour webinar with the godmother of life coaching, Barbara Sher
Karen Ruimy is the kind of onewoman, creative dynamo we love at Psychologies. She reached board level in the world of nance at the age of 28, but always knew there was more to life. Walking away from the high-ying career, Karen pursued her dream to dance and sing, immersing herself in the world of amenco, producing shows in both London and Paris with the likes of Strictly Come Dancings Craig Revel Horwood. Karen has also written two albums. Her second, Come With Me, reached number two in the dance charts with DJ Paul Oakenfold providing the beats. Shes also the author of two spiritual books, The Angels Metamorphosis and The Voice Of The Angel (Quartet Books, 12 and 8.99, respectively). Now Karen is returning to the stage and we are delighted to announce that she has ofered us free tickets to give away to see her exclusive new show Karen Ruimy Presents this November.



We have 10 pairs of tickets to give away to our readers*. The two performances will take place on 12 November and 3 December at a secret central London location. For a chance to win tickets, simply follow @karenruimy on Twitter and tweet Karen with #secretlondon. Alternatively email competition@ with your details and 10 winners will be chosen at random for each night, and be notied with the location and directions for how to get there. For further information about Karen, visit

Join Barbara Sher, author of the one million bestselling book Wishcraft: How To Get What You Really Want. Learn how to start new projects, and how to manage multiple projects. Create a dynamic new beginners mindset. You will discover your strengths and skills and turn your fears and negative feelings into positive tools.

Cheryl Strayed tells the story of her 1,100-mile hike across the US in her New York Timesbestselling memoir Wild: A Journey From Lost To Found (Atlantic Books, 8.99), which vividly captures the terrors and pleasures of this life-changing journey. Join our editor Suzy Greaves as she speaks to Strayed about fear, anger, grief and healing at the School of Life in London on 17 October.
Tickets, 25, are available at

Join us on 17 September at events/barbara-sher-free-webinar.html. See page 44 for more from Barbara




the big conversation

In our Big Conversation this month, author Irvine Welsh speaks to actress Joanne Froggatt about loss, forgiveness and why its OK to make mistakes
PhotograPhy rachell smith/camerapress

oanne Froggatt, 33, and Irvine Welsh, 54, are, on the surface at least, an unlikely combination for a sit-down chat. She, a Yorkshire lass, is an actress who plays the much-loved head housemaid Anna Bates in Downton Abbey. She is blonde, petite, slightly shy and self-deprecating. He, an intense, bald-headed Scot, is the acclaimed author of controversial ction like Trainspotting, The Acid House, and Crime an erudite and condent intellectual whose university thesis was on the subject of equal opportunities for women. However, they do have Filth in common. The lm adaptation of Welshs novel about a police ofcer who, personality degenerating as he engages in an obsessive quest for promotion, wreaks havoc on all around him, is released >>>
Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013


conversatIon arranged and comPIled by lorIen haynes. IrvIne Welsh PhotograPh: stePhanIe rushton

the big conversation joanne froggatt & irvine welsh
grief breaks through Bruces pain, it breaks through all his barriers, all his manipulations. You want them to get together but that would be a shit show. Joanne: A complete disaster. But what I love about what you explore is how grief has the ability to cut through to the truth. At times of sadness or loss in your life, whether it is the death of a person, or the death of a relationship it puts everything into perspective. I mean, does my bum look big in this? doesnt really matter at that point Irvine: It doesnt. Joanne: Or that little row we had with our partner when you are in that emotional state its the most honest place to be. What is important becomes clear. Irvine: I have a caveat to that, actually. Joanne: Of course you do. Irvine: Its also a really distorting and deceptive state of mind. People are never at their strongest when they are feeling these emotions. Joanne: Point taken. I dont always make the best decisions in an emotional crisis. When distressed, sad, negative, your judgement is clouded by what is happening. But losses in my life have taught me to enjoy what I have got. Irvine: Me too. Particularly at my age. Joanne: And at this stage in my life, where I am much younger than you, Im very thankful for where I am personally. Irvine: Well, I wont write about you then. Joanne: Thanks! Why? Irvine: I like to get people when they are having their worst year ever. Ive always been interested in how people fuck up and why theyre so hard on themselves and how, when things are going really badly, we tend to make the wrong decisions to compound that. And everybody does it right across the social spectrum. Joanne: Yes. When something bad happens you dont want to feel it and so you do anything to avoid it. Its all about escaping your emotions. Irvine: And in trying to escape you dig yourself deeper. I had drug abuse issues when I was younger and I know that I wasnt easy to be around. Its an experience I write into my characters. Joanne: But you cant get through a lifetime without feeling real pain. And how we deal with it our selfexamination in periods of darkness, how we deal with bad emotion to get back to a good place is the key. Irvine: I just nd a perverse comfort from looking at >>> how the worst-case scenario might play out.

>>> this month. Froggatt is starring as the policemans wife, Mary, a

redemption gure for his character. Getting the pair together on the phone is no mean feat. Froggatt lives in the UK with her husband, IT director James Cannon. And Welsh is rarely in the UK since he relocated to Chicago in 2005 with his American wife Beth Quinn, who rides dressage horses for a living. Yet here they both are today, clearly fond of each other after some time spent on the set of the lm.

Joanne: Well, hello. Last time we saw each other was on the set of Filth. Irvine: Hello! It was, and now I have to interview you. How do I do that? Joanne: Think Parkinson. Irvine: OK. [He takes a deep breath and puts on an ofcial tone.] Well, Joanne you are obviously a big star from Downton Abbey [he stops] I have to confess Ive not seen it. Any of it. I know you can get it in the States but I made a decision to avoid British stuf because I didnt want to be that sad ex-pat. Joanne: Can we get back on track? Irvine: But you are a huge star and we were really chufed and lucky to get you on Filth. Joanne: Bless you. I was very excited. Irvine: It was pure lth, wasnt it? [They laugh.] Joanne: Yes, but reading the script it was a nobrainer for me. Ive loved your work since I was a teenager. When Trainspotting came out in 1997, it was the movie of our generation. So you are a name I know well. And Filth is going to shock. But you should explain why. Irvine: Its a lm about mental illness. About cognitive dissonance. Its about Bruce Robertson Joanne: Who is played by James McAvoy and his performance is incredible Irvine: it is out of the box. Hes a bipolar policeman, whose wife has left him, who has lost his kid, whose life is falling apart and who just stops playing by the book. And, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, he becomes obsessed with one quest eliminating his work rivals. [Tongue rmly in cheek] A lot of the great novels are driven by that kind of obsession. Joanne: Give me an example. Irvine: Think Moby Dick. And you play Mary. Joanne: Yes. And you and Jon [Jon S. Baird, the director] developed her for the film to give some humanity to Bruce, I think. Irvine: We did. Shes grieving for her husband and her


Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013

Losses in my Life have taught me to enjoy what i have got Joanne

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


the big conversation joanne froggatt & irvine welsh
I felt that when I did a TV drama called See No Evil, which was about Myra Hindley and Ian Brady. I played Hindleys sister and because we met the families of victims and looked at a lot of research material, I remember thinking; if they see me acting this out badly they are going to be really angry. Irvine: Writing is similar, to be honest. Getting into your characters can be disconcerting. With Bruce in Filth I was in the head of not a very nice person going through a fucked-up period, and you can stay in that character for the best part of a year. It messes with your head. You walk around in character until your partner says, shape up or pack your bags. Joanne: Yeah, enoughs enough, Irvine! Irvine: I have to try to get out of character more. Can you teach me some techniques? Joanne: Im not sure how helpful I can be there. My mum always used to ask, Who are you today, dear? Irvine: Well, today Im two women. Joanne: Excuse me? Irvine: Ive just nished a novel called The Sex Lives Of Siamese Twins. The two main characters are women. One is a tness trainer so Ive been going to the gym for 18 months and the other is an artist so Ive been doing a bit of painting. The overweight artist becomes the trainers client and its about the relationship between them. And as a result, Ive been getting embroiled in womens issues online. I get really upset when I hear about anti-choice legislation and there I am weighing in passionately. Joanne: Do you think you can diferentiate between the sexes and how they deal with things? Irvine: I try to think about you and me before I think about gender. No two men are alike, no two women are alike. I hate the kind of ction a lot of men often write about women, where theres a ve-paragraph description of a woman putting on her bra Joanne: Yeah, you dont get long descriptions of a man shaving. I admire you for writing as a woman. I like to do things that scare me, career-wise. If Ive not had to put myself through anguish to get a good result I dont feel Ive done my job properly. Irvine: Mmmm, well at the moment Im just thinking, why am I doing this to myself? Joanne: Weve all got to be prepared to make mistakes. My dad has a very Northern saying, Them than never do owt, never do owt wrong. Youve got to take risks, sometimes you get it right, sometimes you get it wrong, but you learn from getting it wrong.

>>> Joanne: You might be unusual there.

Irvine: But my in-laws, for example, are very, very religious and dont look at anything dark at all! They live a very Pleasantville type of life. Anything innocuous is edited out. It seems to work for them as a coping strategy but Id nd it really scary because if something were to come along, how would you have the emotional reserves or vocabulary to deal with it? Joanne: Ive become fascinated with people who have come through truly extreme situations. Like those girls in Cleveland who were kidnapped [Gina DeJesus, Amanda Berry and Michelle Knight]. They came out from being locked up in a house and abused for 10 years. I was in Los Angeles for work last week and on the news I was watching one of them speak to her abuser in court, saying: I will not let you dene me. I will have a life now and you will go through the pain of living in prison. I thought, my God! Irvine: I dont know how you get back from that. When I was researching Crime, which is about survivors of sex abuse, I found the perpetrators were not interesting at all; one-dimensional, boring and arrogant. But the survivors every one of them was different. There were no rules to recovery. Their courage was inspirational. Joanne: How did you nd that experience? Irvine: It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life; sitting in a room with survivors of abuse it was harrowing. Just listening made me feel emotionally drained and on edge. Even talking about it now makes me feel uncomfortable. Joanne: Yes over-identication is difcult. Im not a method actress. Im not one to go, Oh my God, I really took it home with me. Irvine: Cant you breathe, or stretch, or something? I remember Robert Carlyle doing it on Trainspotting. Joanne: Ha! The point is doing something thats true to life, you get emotionally attached and feel responsible for doing justice to the people you depict.


Life is aLL about making mistakes. the trick is not to make the same ones again and again Irvine

Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013

Irvine: Yes. Life is all about making mistakes the trick is not to make the same ones again and again. Whats the phrase? Try again. Fail Again. Fail Bigger. Fail Better. One of the most horrible things in life would be not to be able to fail again. Joanne: And when you do, you have to forgive yourself for it. Irvine: Is there anything you cant forgive, Joanne? Joanne: Im a pretty forgiving person but there are things that are beyond redemption in my eyes. No one can say Ian Brady deserves a second chance. Irvine: Or a serial paedophile. Or someone involved in the Holocaust Joanne: Something I also couldnt forgive would be a betrayal, that would make me lose complete trust in someone. Not to the point of being unable to forgive actually, but more whats the point of having someone like that in your life as a friend or partner? Once that happens, for me that relationship is gone. Irvine: Yes, thats where Im at as well. I mean, something like indelity I would nd hard to forgive but, hopefully, as youre saying Joanne, more out of pragmatism than meanness of spirit. But Ive been lucky because Ive been shown a lot of forgiveness from other people in my life. And Ive tried to reciprocate. Joanne: Yes, I think you have to try to forgive if you would expect to be forgiven yourself. Have you forgiven me for my Scottish accent in the lm? Irvine: I have. It was a proper Edinburgh accent. Joanne: Which is where you are from. Irvine: Yes, except now I live in Chicago. Joanne: How did that happen? Irvine: Im not sure. Ive never been a Yankophile.

phoToGRAphs: coLLecTIoN chRIsTopheL IDs, Rex, LANDMARk MeDIA

But there are certain things I like; the American can do creativity. The only real problem is nobody understands a word Im saying. Joanne: I have that problem when I go to LA as well. Irvine: If I go out and say to someone my wife doesnt understand me its not a chat-up line its an actual description. Joanne: Any other notes for when I go there again? Irvine: Everyone thinks you are more intelligent they are completely wrong. People look at me and think; this guys really deep, he knows where Im coming from and Im thinking, um, not really, no. Joanne: Keep playing it up. Irvine: Talking to you Im realising I miss British humour and the family and the HP Sauce. Joanne: Ill send you a hamper. Irvine: Thanks. Can you put in some Nurofen? Anything with codeine in it they dont sell it here. So are you coming over, Joanne? Whats next for you? Joanne: Ive done another lm called uwantme2killhim? then Im at Venice for the premiere of Still Life with Eddie Marsan. And Im lming on Downton I have three days left. But in ve years time, Irvine, Id like to have done some work in the States lm and TV and Id like to have had a baby by then. Irvine: Babies go very well with work, I think. Joanne: Dont be funny. But Im going to see you before that I think. Irvine: Yes, for more Filth. You coming to the UK premiere? Ill be back for that. Joanne: Denitely. I look forward to it.
Filth is released on 27 September in Scotland, and in the rest of the UK and Ireland on 4 October

FROM LEFT: Joanne Froggatt as housemaid Anna, with fellow maid Gwen (Rose Leslie) in the rst series of ITV drama Downton Abbey; starring in See No Evil with Michael McNulty; and playing Mary in Filth

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


dilemmas answered

Psychologies advice columnist, psychotherapist lucy Beresford, author of Happy Relationships At Home, Work & Play (McGraw-Hill), analyses readers problems and ofers solutions

Your questions...
Living with my sisters behaviour is wearing me down
I am 33 years old and live with my sister who is 42. We always got on well, but after living with her for seven years as adults Ive really seen the worst side of her. She has stolen more than 4,000 from our joint bank account and asked me to cover her rent. She burst into tears and apologised when I confronted her, but she then continued to steal until I was forced to cancel her bank card. Recently Ive found she has done the same thing to my other sister, and our elderly mother. She is selsh and greedy, and I often feel like Im her mother. Her wilful disregard of our family, and my emotions and feelings while we are living together, has broken me down mentally, emotionally and physically. I have discovered lately that she was abused as a child by an uncle. But even so, does that give her the excuse to treat me this way? I have become extremely resentful and angry not only towards my sister, but towards myself too, for putting up with all her lies and manipulation for so long.

Much as we might wish to, we cant change other people, we can only change our feelings or responses towards them. There might well be solid reasons from her past for your sisters controlling behaviour but in terms of what you must do in the present, they are not relevant. Only you can change whether she continues to manipulate you. Channel your fury arising from having put up with all this for so long into instilling rmer boundaries in your life, such as separating the joint bank account into two separate ones. Examine your options. Consider moving out or asking your sister to do so. In other words, show her consistently that you will no longer be bailing her out. This way, your sister will be forced

to learn that her deplorable behaviour has consequences for her. As a way of coming to terms with the recent past, you might also want to explore why you have been putting up with this behaviour for such a long time, so that you dont risk doing so again. Have you, without realising it, been hoping to rescue your sibling somehow, or improve her? Or do you privately enjoy feeling stable and helpful in comparison to her inconsistency and greed? You probably feel like her mother because when your sister behaves badly, she bursts into tears like a child and just expects to be forgiven, while you willingly take up a parenting role, for example, by cancelling her credit card. Unfortunately, she wont stop her way of behaving until you change rst.


Psychologies MAgAZiNe

OCTOber 2013

phOTOgraph: jenny lewis
How can I get closure regarding my ex-boyfriend?
Ive been having a problem with an ex-boyfriend from 13 years ago. We were each others rst love as teenagers but, after two years, it was clear that we were two very diferent people and I felt I couldnt rely on him for the serious parts of life. I moved on, nding a loving husband and having a family with him. Years later, my ex randomly sent me a message me on Facebook. I always feel terribly guilty for even replying to him, knowing that my husband, who I truly love, would be so upset. I dont want him to think that hes got a hold on me after all this time, but unfortunately I think he has and I dont know how to get closure.
The problem with social media is that its scarily easy to get back in touch with an ex and for it to look quite harmless or innocent on the outside. Try to imagine how your husband would feel if he knew the extent of your current attachment to your ex. Are you prepared to lose the life you now have? You need to explore why your past is so tempting given the strength of feelings you have towards your husband, the guilt you experience when you secretly reply to your ex and the fact that, in your memory, you felt you couldnt rely on him for the serious parts of life. Im not entirely convinced you currently want closure. If you did, youd de-friend your ex right now and resist all communication. End of story. Knowing someone is interested can be seductive. Maybe the secrecy has made you feel alive. Maybe youre curious about what might have been. Or maybe diferent seems exciting after a few years of marriage. The truth is you wont get closure until you decide where your future lies. Think carefully about this, and, in the meantime, focus on your guilt as a way to resist replying when your ex gets in touch.

My group of friends is being divided over children

My friends (three of whom have young children) have been planning a weekend away for months. A few days before we were due to leave, one of the girls sent an email explaining she had problems getting childcare for the second night so shed have her two-year-old dropped of that night. As the email advised rather than asked the rest of us, nobody responded. The friend then got very upset, saying that because we hadnt replied she felt her son wasnt welcome. The pleas from everyone else to understand it was nothing personal, just that we had signed up to an entirely diferent weekend, fell on deaf ears. Its caused bad feeling among the group. What can we do?
I am intrigued by the silences on both sides: some failed to reply to the original email, because of your collective annoyance that your friend had sought approval rather than permission; and the friend with the toddler is choosing to ignore your pleas as she feels unsupported (and possibly also guilty at changing the dynamic of the weekend in the rst place). Both sides, in a way, are acting like two-year-olds! Personally, I dislike it when people seek my retrospective approval for something they knew in advance I wouldnt like it carries the unpleasant whif of passive aggression. Yet getting childcare can be a real nightmare. Then again, for those with kids, its sometimes hard to remember how totally diferent life is without them. Both sides feel unheard; it will take a frank discussion to clear the air. Organise a (child-free) meet-up as soon as you can. The emphasis mustnt be on apportioning blame, but on both sides developing compassion for the others point of view. I doubt either will truly agree, but it is hopefully a way to show that the friendship means more to you all in the long term.

SEND YOUR DILEMMAS TO Lucy Beresford, Psychologies, Cudham Tithe Barn, Berrys Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG, or email We regret that Lucy cannot enter into personal correspondence. Visit to see more readers questions and to ofer your own suggestions.



edited by ALI ROFF


PHOtOGRAPH: tOm meRtOn/PlAinPictuRe

For the love of letter-writing

The art of penning a handwritten letter hasnt much changed since Roman times; were still licking and stamping, but the tradition came under threat with the invention of email in 1971 and the decline has accelerated over the past decade. in his book, To The Letter: A Journey Through A Vanishing World (canongate, 16.99), Simon Gareld discusses snail mail and the personal, physical touch it delivers; he quotes Katherine manseld: this is not a letter but my arms around you for a brief moment . is ring of an email as romantic as the time spent writing a letter and delivering it? Gareld thinks not. He wonders whether our use of email is not a substitute for letter-writing but instead a temporary and illusionary bridge to not writing at all . time to pick up our pens

OCTOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


upfront ideas

Daniel Dennett, American philosopher and author of Intuition Pumps And Other Tools For Thinking (Allen Lane, 20)

Im very at ease at seeing consciousness without mystery

You argue that there is no place where consciousness comes together in the brain how are you so sure of this?

Are you having a laugh?

Fancy a workout without hitting the gym? What about letting go of some stress without forking out for a relaxing massage? Well, all you need to do is laugh. Dont worry, were not sending you to a dodgy stand-up comedy club. instead, leading laughter yoga instructor carrie graham invites you to her workshop at the om yoga show this october at londons olympia, where she promises to get even those of us who nd it hard to crack a smile giggling in no time. her aim is to also help you learn to laugh more easily and enjoy the many wellbeing benets of a good old chuckle.


We know, through trials and experiments, that when we open up somebodys brain, we nd nerve impulses passing from neuron to neuron. At no point do these nerve impulses pause to create a show in an inner theatre within the brain, or anything remotely like that.
You maintain that consciousness is a bag of tricks what do you mean by this?

Word of the MoNth

Thirty-seven per cent of the worlds population speaks Chinese, but for those of us in the West, it can be one of the most challenging languages to study. Thats why Taiwanese-born entrepreneur ShaoLan Hsueh has composed a revolutionary new way to learn Chinese characters with the use of illustrations (right). Each character has a meaning and can form new words, sentences or phrases when put together with another symbol. Hsuehs use of drawings also helps give the student a feel for Chinese culture: woods and mountains , for example, are used together to form scenery (top). Find out more at

You say that the self isnt a part of the brain, but like a centre of gravity can you explain this further?

There is a traditional idea that the self is the soul, its immortal and its what dies and goes to heaven. That is a sweet little idea, but we are in the 21st century now, so its time to abandon that thought. Does that mean we dont have souls? Well, we dont have souls in that sense. What we do have is individual organisations of neurons. They give us all the powers that souls are supposedly able to provide to us. They give us our preferences in life, they help us remember things, execute our intentions, and all the rest of it.
Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOber 2013


PhotograPhs: jim erickson/Plain Picture, erik Dreyer/getty, s hammiD/corbis

Some people want consciousness to be a mystery and I understand when they say: I know youre leaving something out. Well, maybe I am, but can you prove it? The oppositions argument to my thesis is so emotionally charged that I think a good way of disarming it is to inject a little humour. So I have a term for what it is they feel I am negating when it comes to the missing link (between the brain and consciousness) and thats gment. As the word suggests, I am saying that this link is just a fantasy. Im very at ease at seeing consciousness without mystery.
Success in the workplace
What can we learn from sex that we can use to help us be successful at work? Modern women today know how to call the shots in their sex lives, says Avril Millar, author of The Kama Sutra Of Work (Writersworld, 9.99). Now its time for tricks in the bedroom to translate to success strategies in the boardroom . Millar sees sex and success as two concurrent elements and it seems the original 1883 Kama Sutra had the same idea; aside from 64 sexual techniques, it also advised that women learn a number of arts , including foreign languages, chemistry, even code breaking, in order to be nancially independent. So, multiple orgasms? It might be hard work, or even seem unachievable, but strive for as many pleasures as you can extend interests and hobbies into paid work or practise them at a professional level. Oral, anyone? How much do you use your mouth to speak up, ask for what you want, or suggest that brilliant idea you had? Work (and sex) will never seem quite the same again.
b e h Av i o u r

Money love
The world loves money. It gives us freedom, and some of us nd happiness from our dosh and all that it can give us. Yet its easy to fall out of love, especially when you dont have enough. Kate Northrup, author of Mony, A Love Story: Untangle Your Financial Woes And Create The Life You Really Want (Hay House, 12.99), has some nance-friendly ideas: Start a pay attention habit. Pick one habit and build from there; check your bank account or clear out receipts once a week, or create a monthly spending plan. Get some help. Make a list of people who could help keep you on track. You must feel comfortable with them and not feel judged keep the experience positive. Make nances fun. Write down all the things you nd pleasurable getting dressed up, having brunch in your favourite caf, or writing on beautiful stationery. Choose to do something you love while youre doing your online banking or monthly statements. Begin to associate nancial consciousness with other things that bring you pleasure, and start loving money.


OCTOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


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upfront debate

Can men and women really be just friends?

Rich opposite-sex friendships arent common but are perfectly possible
AC GRAYLING, academic and author


hese types of relationships may not be as common think there is a diferent dynamic when it comes to as same-sex friendships, but where there is no opposite-sex friendships, especially for heterosexuals sexual tension, real and meaningful relationships and from the males perspective, as there is a potential can develop between men and women. These friendships mating goal and conict involved. As recent research by are more common in individuals who are not of a courting April Bleske-Rechek has shown, men are disposed to age, mainly adolescent children and the elderly. overestimate the likelihood that a female friend is Genuine opposite-sex friendships do have a diferent romantically interested in them. Some of my own earlier dynamic to same-sex friendships, though. Where women research with Bleske-Rechek shows men also value the share a great deal of their experiences and anxieties with attractiveness of a potential opposite-sex partner. They one another, men tend to say very little about their inner are more likely to dissolve a friendship if the female friend feelings. Theyll talk more about surface interests such as becomes romantically involved with a new boyfriend. sport and work. Men, therefore, can nd friendships with Opposite-sex friendships need to overcome certain women very empowering as they often nd they obstacles that same-sex friendship dont. In order HAVE YOUR SAY can speak to them about intimate issues to be friends with the opposite sex without Tweet us at they wouldnt discuss with male friends. sexual conict, we must draw very rm @PsychologiesMag and tell Women can also nd that being friends boundaries about what is and isnt us if you think men and with men is very valuable. The diferent acceptable in the relationship. women can be friends or if experiences each gender brings to the Women often report having platonic sex will get in the way. friendship means it will have a diferent male friends where theres no conict, only quality, dynamic and mutuality than we nd in to nd their friend will make a move and try to our same-sex relationships. take the relationship to another level. And while men are Sometimes people will experience sexual tension in always on the lookout for low-cost sexual opportunities friendships with the opposite sex. But I believe that, as we (often seeing female friends as short-term, hook-up get older, its easier to navigate such relationships; look at chances), women seem to have less interest in this. But the friendships within two married couples, where we can its also possible that women sometimes may send out nd that kind of genuine, platonic afection between all subtle signals of sexual availability without actually being four parties and there isnt any question of anything else. interested. Without even being conscious of it, they can In these situations, you often get a very rich relationship do this in order to receive the benets of male friendship, of real value. So where there arent any sexual including protection, being cared for and so on. misunderstandings, you can be friends with the opposite Both of these elements are involved in the common sex. This sort of friendship between men and women may mix-up between friendship and sexuality between males not be common, but it certainly is possible. and females.
Professor Barry X. Kuhle is an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Scranton, Pennsylvania

Sex will get in the way of men and women being genuine friends

BARRY KUHLE, evolutionary psychologist

Professor AC Grayling is the author of Friendship (Yale University Press, 12.99), out on 30 September



upfront self-help classics

Facing up to your fears

illusTraTion LUCI GUTIRRez

Every issue oliver Burkeman revisits a classic self-help book. This month, Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide To Life Liberated From Anxiety by Kelly Wilson and Troy DuFrene

Whats the story? Anxiety and worry come with a hidden catch: when you try to get rid of them, or avoid what triggers them, it only makes things worse. If youre nervous at social gatherings and stay home, youll grow more nervous about going out. Wilson is a practitioner of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which breaks with self-help tradition: it maintains that trying to stamp out anxiety is futile. We can focus on living richly while feeling anxiety whereupon it may evaporate anyhow. The message: The title encapsulates the point: things really might go horribly wrong. Indeed, the things we most want our lives to be about are intimately connected to the ways in which we sufer the most. Relationships end, loved ones die and, if you withdraw from such domains, youll lessen anxiety, but at the cost of withdrawing from life. ACT ofers ways to move anxiously forward instead. Key quote: ACT cant shield you from the things that might go wrong in your life. It cant protect you from disappointment, rejection, and loss. [But] it can show you how to nd the space you need to live your life in a way that matters to you, [while remaining] in the world with its potential for both pain and joy. Practical lessons 1 Try the broken record exercise. One principle of ACT, defusion, involves seeing your thoughts for what they are: collections of words arising in the mind, which you can choose whether to believe. To cut a thought down to size, take a key word from it and repeat for one minute, until it loses its meaning. Are you due to give a speech and worried about looking like a fool? Say Foolfoolfool Sounds silly? Thats the point: some thoughts are. 2 Remember and also. Too anxious to make that phone call? Remind yourself that you can feel the anxiety and also pick up the phone. It

works with other emotions, too. Feeling too bored to start an urgent workproject? Feel the boredom and also get out the le. 3 Sit inside questions. Sit down, choose a dilemma youre facing and ponder it without reaching for a solution. Instead, just wonder what youll do. Done for a few minutes, this will help you get comfortable with ambiguity. Why it beats the competition: Too many self-help books promise a trouble-free life, but, ironically, trying to persuade yourself that everythings perfect exacerbates anxiety. Facing the honest truth is scarier, but the route to lasting happiness. The downside: Occasionally, you really do need to remove the source of your anxieties. If youre too anxious to ever go to job interviews or on dates, this books excellent; if a specic job or relationship triggers huge anxiety, it might be time to leave.
Oliver Burkeman is author of The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Cant Stand Positive Thinking (Canongate, 8.99)

Remind yourself that you can feel the anxiety and also make that scary phone call


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOber 2013

upfront books

This months best books ediTed and reviewed by EMMA HERDMAN


Black chalk by Christopher J. Yates

(Harvill Secker, 14.99, out 19 September)

everyone has witnessed a situation, big or small, that spirals out of control; thats why the situation arising here creates a truly chilling thriller, with campus-fun-gone-wrong echoes of donna Tartts modern classic, The Secret History. Six best friends in their rst year at Oxford devise a game of consequences silly, trivial dares such as breakdancing in the quad and begging for beer money outside the library. inevitably, perhaps, the forfeits escalate, the fallout of which is devastating in some cases, examining just how far friends can push each other. Partly narrated 14 years later by one of the members, the game continues, to an unforeseen, unforgettable climax.

3 reasons to read
Marriage Material: A Novel by Sathnam Sanghera

(William Heinemann, 14.99, out 26 September)

1 For important issues aired with humour. its all here: issues around race, equality, gender, familial relationships, loyalty and community can be found in this gem of a multi-generational novel, set between London and wolverhampton. its not easy to cram in all of these big themes and also achieve a funny and touching read, but thats what the author, with a practised journalistic eye, has done. 2 To enjoy a brilliant chapter structure. we begin our story in a west Midlands corner shop in the 1960s: the rst chapter is titled Hairdressers Journal and features a young, feisty Surinder cutting the hair of Tanvir, a family friend who helps out in the shop. each chapter is named after a publication youd nd on the newsagents shelves. Personal favourites include Time Out (London) , featuring a disastrous French restaurant trip, Top Gear , involving the least competent getaway in history and Psychologies , concerning a couple trying to navigate the death of a close relative. 3 For a superbly updated version of Arnold Bennetts The Old Wives Tale. at its heart, this is a simple story of family. Sisters fall out, parents pass on, commitment to family is weighed against personal gain, resulting in either guilt or resentment. yet, all this is handled throughout with the lightest of touches, so that on reaching the end, you want to begin again to pick up the subtle nuances of this book.


enon by Paul Harding

(William Heinemann, 14.99, out now)

This is one of those rare books in which not a huge amount happens, but which is nevertheless a compulsive read. its the heartbreaking story of Charlie Crosby (grandson of George from Hardings Pulitzer Prize-winning debut, Tinkers), and his breakdown over the year following the death of his daughter, Kate. as his wife leaves and he becomes reliant on a cocktail of painkillers, he disintegrates as he tries to come to terms with family loss; so, yes, parts of it can be tough going, however, its so delicately written that you cant help but marvel at Hardings enormous skill.


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOber 2013

upfront books

My writing comes from a private place in which I need to feel alone

Jhumpa Lahiri is the author of unaccustomed earth. Her second novel, The lowland (Bloomsbury, 16.99), has been longlisted for the 2013 Man Booker Prize. Born in London to parents from West Bengal, she moved to the uS as a child and now lives in Brooklyn

The Novel cure: An A-Z of literary Remedies

by Susan Elderkin and Ella Berthoud (Canongate, 17.99, out 5 September)

Books develop our capacity to be empathetic, non-judgemental, to accept and honour diference, be brave, extend ourselves and make the most of ourselves. The authors of this literary tonic of a book go further than simply make this declaration they ofer specic works of ction to encourage empathy or bravery and to counter pretty much any psychological or physical trouble you can think of, from serious reading recommendations for those dealing with divorce, to more humorous suggestions (if youre sufering the loss of a limb, try Peter Pan or Flann OBriens The Third Policeman). Were hooked. LH

Picture Me gone by Meg Rosof (Penguin, 12.99, out now) Twelve-year-old Mila has a gift: she can read a room, a person, a situation, and sense exactly whats not obvious. When we meet her, shes about to travel to New York with her father, Gil, to visit his oldest friend. However, just before the two of them are about to leave London, Gils wife calls, telling him his friend Matthew has disappeared without a trace, leaving his passport, beloved dog and baby son. So begins Gil and Milas road trip to nd Matthew, in this exquisite coming-of-age novel exploring the complicated relationship between parent and child.
The novel Cure revieWed BY LaureN HaddeN

you won the 2000 Pulitzer Prize for Interpreter Of Maladies, and The Lowland is up for this years Man Booker Prize; do these honours add extra pressure when it comes to writing something new? im honoured and grateful for the attention my work has received. The greatest reward is that im able to devote my time to what i love most. But my writing comes from a very private place, a place in which i need to feel alone, anonymous. i never think about the attention my books have achieved when i am working. each work is built from nothing. is there a semi-autobiographical element to your writing? The landscape of my upbringing provides an environment, broadly speaking, for my work. i draw on the world that i know, and the context in which i was raised. My characters are works of the imagination, and their conicts are almost always invented. i wrote one story loosely based on the experience of my father arriving in america, and another story inspired by a family friend who used to visit our home during the Pakistani civil war. in both of those instances, i was too young to have any memory of what had taken place, so i had to reconstruct a real story creatively, based on a few details. in the act of reconstruction, those stories took on a separate, independent life. Fiction is an artice, a deliberate reworking of reality. in the writing process, at least for me, any correspondence to reality becomes irrelevant. as an artist, i work to full the demands of the story, and to sustain an illusion. identity and community are strong themes in your writing. Do you think these are easier to explore through ction than non-ction? i prefer ction; its more challenging and gives me more freedom. My aim, my aspiration, is the truth of art. i dont think about themes as i write. i think about character and conict and go from there. What other writers are you inspired by? i wouldnt be a writer if it werent for other writers. as Saul Bellow said, a writer is a reader moved to emulation. This was true for me from the beginning. as i child, i would read stories, then write my own versions of them. The experience of reading felt incomplete otherwise. Thats what i continue to do now. Writing is a form of communicating with other writers, as well as with readers. it is a way of honouring them, and an attempt, perhaps, to repay a debt. among the authors who have guided me are Hardy, Joyce, Beckett, Kafka. and Chekhov, of course.

OCTOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


upfront lm
ediTed and reviewed by Samantha Wood

This months best lms


Directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel

its with bated breath that we await the release of Diana, out on 20 September, the movie that promises to tell the untold story of the nal years of The Peoples Princess . Still in post-production at the time of going to press, the lm focuses on the controversial relationship that diana (naomi watts) had with heart surgeon dr Hasnat Khan (naveen andrews) and later dodi Fayed (Cas anvar), who died alongside her in 1997. although no dialogue can be heard in the trailer, scenes of the princess being chased by paparazzi suggest it wont hold back from the grittier details of the last months of her life. and while lmmakers insist it is not sensationalism , Hirschbiegel admits it was risky subject matter, and will no doubt cause a stir when it hits cinemas. SW

how i live Now

3 reasons to see

Directed by Kevin Macdonald HHHH

1 To recapture childhood imagination. misunderstood american teen daisy (Saoirse ronan) is packed of to england to stay with her cousins isaac (Tom Holland), edmond (George macKay) and Piper (Harley bird) who live in a ramshackle house with more idyllic ingredients than enid blyton could shake a ginger beer at. when a nuclear bomb is dropped on london and armageddon comes knocking, the four battle to survive crawling through muddied ditches, hiding in dappled woods, wiping sweat-beaten brows evoking the sun-drenched memories in which we all cleverly averted imaginary war in our back gardens, circa 1978. 2 For picturesque, stirring scenes. while the lm has some more shocking moments underage sex, bloody violence and a hint of incest the backdrop is far more palatable. britain looks brilliant: rolling scenery with streams and meadows replaces the sharp urban settings were used to seeing on lm. and the cast stirs up a real sense of all being on the same side, notably a brief yet stellar turn from anna Chancellor as aunt Penn, an international peacekeeper summoned to Oslo leaving the children, inevitably, home alone. 3 To see a modern classic come to life. although ostensibly written for children, meg rosofs novel from which the lm is adapted is a must for adults, too. while the lm lacks a bit of the thrill of the book, its timeless simplicity still makes it a hugely enjoyable watch. SW


The Artist And The Model

Directed by Fernando Trueba HHH

Set in 1943 in a small town close to the Spanish border, oncefamed 80-yearold sculptor marc (Jean rochefort), has been left disillusioned by two world wars, and lost all faith in art, life and humanity. but when wife la (Claudia Cardinale) nds a beautiful, young woman sleeping rough in the town, she ofers her the chance to live in the artists studio, hoping this might inspire marc to start afresh. The pair strike up an unlikely friendship, and as it develops, the artist who senses his days are numbered begins creating his last-ever sculpture. director Fernando Trueba delivers a quiet, stylish and exquisite reection on the big three life, death and art. SW


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOBER 2013

PHOTOGraPH: axiOm FilmS

upfront questionnaire

Fiona shaw is an Irish actress and theatre director. She has played roles as diverse as Medea on Broadway and Aunt Petunia in the Harry Potter lms. In October she embarks on a tour of the UK, directing the opera The Rape Of Lucretia INTERVIEW Samantha Wood

I see adventure in a thing and leap towards it

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Im not a agrant optimist, and Im not Pollyanna-ish, but I always see life as a corner around which therell be something interesting.
Whats your earliest memory?

Scratching my face with a mitten when I was about three. The mittens were strung around my neck and one of them was burnt my mother must have put it on the cooker accidentally and it had a horrible scratchy feeling. It never got better. I thought it would mend like I would.
Whats your guilty pleasure?

A glass of wine in the bath. Red which isnt very good in baths and always at an unsuitable hour, either late at night or randomly in the afternoon.
Whats the rst thing you think about when you wake up in the morning?

How did I come to be in this bed? I think it has to do with moving countries 30 years ago. Ill always have to replay the story of my life in a split second to get to the bed in that minute.
Which traits do you value in other people?

Loyalty, truth and delight. People who are delighted in life and take pleasure in observation. I nd people who notice those things and enjoy detail very attractive.
Whats your worst habit?

to time. Its not an unpleasant thing to have a visit from someone who is long gone.
What have you learnt about yourself as youve grown older?

Ive learnt that where I thought I had innite possibility, Im not sure I do.
At what age were you happiest?

I value traits like loyalty, truth and delight

PhOtOgrAPh: dAvId vIntIner/cAMerA PreSS

Reading the computer in bed. Being in bed was once for reading and now its not. When I wake up, I used to reach for my book to just nish that chapter, and now its the computer to check something. Its a terrible habit.
Do you have any recurring dreams?

Probably now. There are many things that make me unhappy, but Ive got a hold of it. As you get older, the value of life reminds you to be happy.
Whats your biggest fear?

Yes. Im walking towards a huge stage and I ask what the play is. Im willing to go on without knowing the lines if I just know the name of the play. Im desperate for someone to tell me, but no one will. I think thats less to do with acting and more to do with life. Not knowing quite what it is. I also have dreams of my brother, whos been dead 25 years. I meet him from time

That my abilities arent wanted. The fear of having run out of life, out of road, out of ideas.
What are you best at?

Seeing the adventure in something and leaping towards it. Ill say yes to things and dont think about it. Life wont be interesting if I say no.
The Rape Of Lucretia is at venues across the UK between 19 October and 6 December as part of the Glyndebourne Tour 2013. To book, visit

OCTOBER 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


upfront style

Summer may be over, but a bunch of gorgeous oral designs are blooming for autumn/winter and theyre set to uplift and inspire BY STEVEN KING ILLUSTRATION MONTSE BERNAL

Floral fantasy
Thanks to globalisation in general and jet aircraft in particular, few of us think twice about the sheer strangeness of being able to pluck a punnet of fresh, ripe strawberries of a supermarket shelf at any time of the year. We take for granted the ease with which we can brighten up our short northern-hemisphere days and long nights with a bouquet of vibrant tropical owers. Fashion, too, can introduce an uplifting element of out-of-season exotica and, whats more, can do so without incurring the additional costs to society or the environment that come with moving fruit and vegetables halfway round the world. Take, for example, the cheery proliferation of oral motifs that enlivened the recent autumn/winter ready-to-wear shows, particularly those ofLanvin, Oscar de la Renta and Vivienne Westwood. Something about these gorgeous owery prints and embroideries has what you cant help wanting to call a more wintry aspect in a purely fashion sense, that is, not a botanical one. Perhaps this is because the patterns are mostlyset against darker, distinctly un-summery backgrounds of black, rich greens, deep reds and plush, velvety blues. They havethe seductive opulence of jewels glowing in candlelight, the early evening promise and radiance of a well-stocked bar spied from a chilly footpath. Beyond that, I think the charm of these paradoxical unseasonal orals has to do with the way they speak to us in both nostalgic and optimistic accents. As the nights draw in, they remind us of the warmth of the summer just past and look forward to the spring that will come.




2 4 1
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s a fashion designer and a woman, timeless style essentials are invaluable to me. Although experimenting with trends and looks is fun for special occasions, for everyday dressing the core of any wardrobe is signature pieces that are immune to the seasons. Im a designer who believes in a more sustainable way of living, so owning and creating classic items is part of moving away from disposable fashion and enjoying pieces that stand the test of time. My top ve timeless style staples are a trench coat, skinny black Monkee Genes sustainably made jeans from an ethically minded company a little black dress, a print maxi dress, and a long-sleeved black top. To ensure these items feel current, I pair them with more trend-focused garments. My spring/summer 2014 collection is full of form-tting LBDs for every occasion, boho-chic pieces with cut-out detailing and timeless shift dresses with nipped-in waistlines in gentle pastels and beautiful, bold prints.

Being stylish doesnt end with what Im wearing, it means I consider how best to care for my clothes and use laundry products that ensure Im doing the best by my garments, my familys skin and the world around me. To ensure a wardrobe stays timeless I recommend using Ecover products, which are made from plant-based and mineral ingredients. Ecover works just as well as other ranges without nasties which can be harsh to fabrics and skin, as well as leaving unnecessary residues in water supplies, damaging aquatic life. The gentle nature of Ecovers laundry products mean that they not only help those classic investment

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Eco designer and London Fashion Week regular Ada Zanditon (pictured below) gives Psychologies readers her top tips on the art of timeless style

The classic choice

straight talking

SUZI GODSON Sex and relationships expert and author

The diary of a teenager

On holiday recently I ran out of things to read, so I went scavenging for books
in the house we were staying in. I found a copy of The Diary Of A Young Girl by Anne Frank. Not the most obvious beach read, but within minutes, I was ensconced in the world of the secret annex. Because the diary is primarily lauded as a personal record of the inhumanity of fascism, Id never realised it also provides such a unique insight into the emerging sexuality of an adolescent girl. Anne was just 12 when she went into hiding with her parents and sister. Sharing the annex were Hermann and Auguste van Pels, their 16-year-old son Peter and dentist Fritz Pfefer. During the two years, Anne predictably developed a crush on the only available teenage boy, and despite living in constant fear, despite never being able to go outside, despite existing on a diet of lettuce and rotten potatoes, during the months of her infatuation the strength of her feelings for Peter dwarf everything else happening in her life. She writes: From early in the morning till late at night, all I do is think about Peter. I fall asleep with his image before my eyes, dream about him and wake up with him still looking at me. It is a perfect description of falling in love, a process the evolutionary psychologist Helen Fisher describes as having someone camping in your head. Fisher has used fMRI scans to identify the neurological changes that occur when we fall in love, and Anne passes through each one during her relationship with Peter. The rst stage, lust, is driven by testosterone and oestrogen. At this point, both sexes will do virtually anything to make a relationship physical. Anne was just 14, but she ingeniously orchestrates time alone with Peter until, on 15 April 1944, she wins a rst, much-longed-for kiss. Stage two, attraction, activates monoamines, dopamine, norepinephrine (or adrenalin) and serotonin, the feel-good neurotransmitter that regulates moods and suppresses appetite. Now, Anne idealises Peter. She lists all his good qualities and they share intimate details about their private parts and discuss sexual intercourse. The nal stage is attachment, which triggers the release of oxytocin and vasopressin. But, by 6 July 1944, Anne is complaining that Peters beginning to lean on me and I dont want that, not under any circumstances. Tragically, we never nd out how this teen love-story ended,as on 4 August 1944 the annex was raided and the families sent to concentrations camps. Annes father, the sole survivor, published her diaries, but omitted the sexual content, thinking it too graphic. After his death in 1980, an original text edition came out. It caused controversy at the time, and again this year, when Michigan mother Gail Horalek led a complaint on learning that her daughter was studying what she called the pornographic version in the seventh grade (aged 12 or 13).One of the passages she objected to is Annes reection on her sexual naivety. Until I was 11 or 12, I didnt realise there was a second set of labia on the inside, since you couldnt see them. Whats even funnier is that I thought urine came out of the clitoris. The fact that anyone might nd this more disturbing than the circumstances in which it was written shows just how much denial there still is about teenage sexuality. As Anne wrote, If mothers dont tell their children everything, they hear it in bits and pieces, and that cant be right.Too true. In Holland, children start to learn about sex at six, and teen birth rates are the lowest in Europe. In much of the US, including Michigan, sex education is not mandatory but the teaching of abstinence is. Correlation may not imply cause, but the US teen birth rate is the highest in the developed world.





Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect. Alan Cohen For many of us, the rst smoky whif of autumn feels like a second new year, that evocative back to school sense of starting again with freshly sharpened pencils, shiny new shoes and a blank notebook. Theres a sense of potential, the unlived life beckoning you from the sidelines. How will you harness the energy of this new season? In the following pages, we ofer a road map for perfect beginnings.

photograph: jenny acheson/plain picture

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


DOSSIER new beginnings

Empty your mind

Beginning something new can feel both exciting and challenging. The good news is, you can learn to adopt the mindset that will give you the best chance at success, writes Zen Master Mary Jaksch


hat makes a new beginning feel like a challenge is that we dont know yet if well succeed or fail. In order to predict the outcome, we project what we have experienced in the past onto the new venture. That can be a problem. If youve ever started a new relationship, youll know how the baggage you carry from previous ones can make a new start difcult. But there is a state of mind we can tap into when we start something new. In Zen Buddhism its called beginners mind . Its a state of freshness where you experience everything anew in each moment. It means that you have no expectations, no xed view of yourself, anything is possible. You are open and receptive. Here are seven ways to use this tactic to make new beginnings easy.
Fo cus o n action What can get us into trouble when we embark on something new is the way our ordinary mind works. We tend to imagine future outcomes instead of focusing on the present. This can create anxiety. For example, if you climb a mountain and keep looking to the peak, the stony ground ahead feels hard because the goal seems so far away. The trick is to focus on one step at a time, without thinking of the whole journey. When your mind indulges in fantasies of the future, or gets stuck in memories of the past, ask yourself, What is the next step?

ago, a friend of mine brought her toddler, who is learning how to walk, along for a visit. She would pull herself up, wobble along a few steps then plop down on her bottom. The little girl got up each time and tried again, looking determined. Thats the attitude you need to cultivate. When you notice that youve made a mistake, say to yourself, That must mean Im learning!

Ba n is h n egative th o ug h ts Fear breeds negative thoughts. When you are on the verge of something new, negative thoughts can derail you. There is a simple way to let go of them by using an Uplift Bracelet . You can use any kind of elastic wrist bracelet for this strategy. By simply changing the bracelet to the other wrist each time you have a negative thought, you can train yourself to be more positive.

Fa ll dow n sev e n tim es, ge t up ei ght ti mes Whether youre starting a new relationship, a new job or a creative project, youll need to learn new skills. As adults, we sometimes forget that we cant learn anything new without falling at times. The key is to get up when we fall, and try again. Toddlers know all about this. A short while

R etuR n to th e pR es en t mo men t When faced with something new, stress is a natural response. Stress equals a preoccupied mind plus a tense body. If you are stressed, youll experience a lot of negative self-talk, such as I cant do this , or This is not going >>>


Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013


us e th e do n t kn ow min d In martial arts, the dont know mind refers to the wisdom of the warrior. Each of us has experience or knowledge that we use to make sense of a new situation. However, its exactly this kind of knowing that can cause problems. Beginners mind helps us to embrace not knowing which allows us to be creative, get out of a rut, and develop as a person. When you open up to not knowing, your natural wisdom comes into play. As Marcel Proust said, We dont receive wisdom; we must discover it after a journey that no one can take for us.

DOSSIER xxxxxxxx

DOSSIER new beginnings
Why are we waiting till were 65 and retired, why dont we just move to Dorset now?
Natasha Solomons, 33, is the author of international bestseller Mr Rosenblums List
y husband and I were living in Glasgow at the time. I was doing a Masters and he was starting out as a screenwriter. I had dreams of writing a novel but wasnt making much progress. I was aware that I was frittering away my time. We decided that we needed to move to a diferent city which might give us a fun, bold experience. But we couldnt decide where to go. First we thought we should move to London, and we put an ofer on a at near Hyde Park that neither of us really liked. While that was going through we thought maybe we should give Los Angeles a try. So we went out there instead, and had a great time, but were still unsure. Although Id grown up in London, our family summers were spent in Dorset. My dream was always that we might eventually be able to aford a weekend house there. One day we were in the car park of Ralphs, a grocery store in Beverly Hills, when my husband turned to me and said: There is another choice. Why are we waiting till were 65 and retired, why dont we just move to Dorset now? To me this was a terrifying, exhilarating idea that we could leap-frog over everything else and get to the end-point straight away. We pulled out of the London at, found a cottage in Dorset, and moved. That leap of faith was terrifying. I remember thinking, if things go wrong and I dont write this novel, what will I do? Theres nothing here. But somehow it didnt go wrong. The move triggered a creative surge in both of us. Somehow, going for walks in the elds around my house, I discovered that I think at a walking pace and I literally paced out the plot for my rst novel. And with my latest novel I discovered a funny thing, that the nostalgia of remembering the city life I left behind, that occasional yearning, gives me the details I need to write about it.
The Gallery of Vanished Husbands by Natasha Solomons is published by Sceptre, 14.99


to end well . But there is a metaphorical doorway you can step through at any moment that leads to calmness and relaxation, from preoccupation into awareness of the present moment. When we return to the present, a small miracle happens: stress drops away even if only for a moment. Use your senses. Tune in to the sounds around you and feel how the ground supports your feet. Youll nd that your mind and body relax.
Let go o f s hou Lds When you are about to start something new, your family, friends and colleagues are only too happy to give their opinion of what you should or shouldnt be doing. Shoulds are other peoples ideas of what your life should look like. Starting out with Beginners Mind means letting go of shoulds that hinder you from moving forward. Every time you encounter a should, ask: Says who?

. Let go o f t he fe ar of faiLu re One of the challenges of new beginnings is the fear of failure. We fear that well be embarrassed by mistakes, or wont be able to do what is asked of us. Young children dont get this so much; they usually enjoy learning something new because they still have Beginners Mind. But as adults, we grow more hesitant about being a beginner as we dont want to fail. According to Eric Hofer: The fear of becoming a has-been keeps some people from becoming anything . If fear of failing is holding you back, then its important to learn how to deal with it. There is a simple and efective way; I call it the Hand of Compassion. Whenever you feel anxious, stop whatever you are doing and slowly bring a hand to your heart area. Let it rest there gently for two breaths; notice how you begin to feel more condent.

How to access beginners Mind

n As you can see in the previous points, the key to successful beginnings is to start with Beginners Mind. This allows you to see a new friend or new romantic partner with fresh eyes without getting tripped up by all the negative or positive experiences youve had in the past. Beginners Mind will help you embark on a new adventure with a positive attitude. Its a great way to let go of fear and anxiety, and boost your creativity. n There is a simple way to access this peaceful state. Its the practice of the half-smile. Lift the corners of your mouth slightly for the space of three full breaths. You can think of it as lip yoga . When you try it, youll immediately notice a mind-shift that makes you feel calmer and more receptive. Youll also feel a surge of creativity. Mary Jaksch is an authorized Zen Master and writes the blog


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DOSSIER new beginnings

Starters orders
ynn is a very happy person by nature, but she has a little problem and it gets bigger every week: she has too many projects. First, there is her small but charming collection of vintage dolls on her shelves. Then her crocheting projects on the couch (and behind it) and, in the kitchen, a number of cookbooks (from which shes learning to cook vegan). Then there are clocks, four of them, all in pieces, and the tiny screwdrivers that helped with their dismantling, spread over half of her dining room table. I thought I had a clutter problem, she says, but now I know that its something else: I start too many things, and I dont nish them. Everything looks so interesting for a while. She cant keep up and the problem is getting worse. Whenever Lynn sees someone, say, making stained glass or setting up a vertical garden, she wants to try that, too. I think I have hobby envy, she confesses. Why does Lynn only like beginnings? Is she lazy or perhaps afraid of the hard work of nishing what she starts? Or does she have an attention disorder that makes every shiny new thing distract her from the one before? Whats wrong with her? The surprising fact is there might be nothing wrong with Lynn at all. Perhaps she is just be a naturally curious person who loves to explore. She might simply be drawn to wanting to understand whats going on in all those hobbies. Its time to take another look at people who typically fail to follow through what they start. I believe there are some very good reasons for not nishing everything. And one of them depends on what you mean by nish .

Are you madly in love with beginnings? Are you forever starting new projects, taking up new causes, interests, even careers? Its time to celebrate being a serial starter and learn how to harness this energy to create a happy life BY barbara sher

there are some very good reasons for not nishing everything

S eein g th e b ig pictur e I went to university with someone who had always adored lms. Hed see the same ones over and over. His rst term he studied screenwriting. By the end of the class, hed written a pretty good screenplay. But he didnt feel even slightly interested in writing another one. So he decided in his second term that hed rather



Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013


I was once booked to speak to a group of inattentive businessmen. After I was introduced, I stepped up to the microphone and found myself ignored as they continued talking. So I said into the microphone: How many of you have books all over your house that you havent finished? Everyone stopped talking. Faintly guilty smiles started to appear on their faces. They waited. Then I asked: What makes you think you havent nished them? Quizzical looks replaced their smiles. Well, one challenged me, when are you nished with a book? Maybe youre nished when you got what you came for, I said. What I said to them is true for you and your unnished projects, too. Why dont we know that? Because were told the opposite over and over. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Stay the course. Keep motivated and youll achieve your goals. But what if losing your motivation means that you still reach your goals? When is a bee nished with a flower? No gardener has ever stood among the owers scolding bees for not making up their minds about which one they want to visit. No one says: Fickle bee! Shame on you! We all assume that bees know what theyre doing. Its a good idea to start making that assumption about yourself, too.

>>> be an actor. He gave it everything he had for that terrm. But within three months, acting had lost its charms. He then tried camera work, editing, directing, and even thought he might specialise in the history of lm and become a teacher or a critic, but nothing held his interest for long. As graduation loomed, he (and his parents) started worrying that hed never be able to earn a living, so he enrolled in business school, determined to get rich. He spent lots of time with teachers and classmates who enjoyed guring out how to make money. He liked them, and liked hearing them talk about nance and investment. He envied their enthusiasm and started a lm club for them, so they could enjoy his. But, no matter how hard he tried, he didnt really care for nance and investment. Did he become a failure? He did not. He ended up using everything hed learnt to become a successful lm producer. Through those years of what looked like a reluctance to commit to anything, hed learnt every aspect of making successful lms. He understood scripts and actors, camera angles and direction. And what was crucial, but uncommon in lm school graduates, he had friends from business school who helped him nd investors for his lms. He produced lms for more than 30 years without losing interest. Theres so much variety, I could never get bored, he says. So before you decide youre lazy or inconstant, you should develop some respect for your willingness to start new things. If youre someone who wanted to try all the instruments in your school orchestra and couldnt stick with any of them, you might have the makings of a conductor.

You are a born learner who will always love whats new, who needs variety

I n p ra I s e o f Jack of all Trades Some of my favourite people (they call themselves serial starters but I call them Scanners) love to learn almost anything they dont already know. Im just a Jack of all trades, they sigh, and master of none. But Jack of all trades originally meant someone versatile a sought-after deckhand wanted by every

ships captain about to embark on a long journey. No sea voyage could survive without someone on board who knew something about weather and cooking, carpentry and knots, sewing and sign languages someone adaptable who liked learning new things. Such a hand could be invaluable in new situations, like going of course and landing on an island where no one on board spoke the language of the native population. Theres even a couplet once popular among seafarers: Jack of all trades, master of none/Often times better than a master of one. Thats as true in business today as it ever was. In fact, a friend weighed in recently with this unexpected statement: You show me someone who can see the big picture, has a wide variety of experience and plenty of good ideas but doesnt personally follow through on them, and Ill show you a great CEO. So why do eternal amateurs get so much criticism? We might inadvertently bring it on ourselves. If youve come to dread being called a dabbler so much that youre


Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013

DOSSIER new beginnings


desperate to nd a lasting passion, your next interest might make you say prematurely to all and sundry, This is what Ive been looking for! Finally, something I will stick with! Of course theyll groan. Theyve heard it all before. But if youre a true Scanner, youll never settle for only one passion for your whole life. Youre a born learner who will always love whats new, who needs variety, wholl always be bored by repetition. Which brings us back to Lynn with the hobby envy . Eventually she came up with a good solution. Im learning that just because something is fascinating to someone else, it doesnt mean it will be fascinating to me, she says. She still tries lots of new things, but now she listens carefully to her heart: as soon as she feels her interest waning, she stops. Im buying fewer beads and soldering irons, Lynn says. These days Im borrowing or renting or just limiting my purchases to much smaller amounts at the hobby shop. Wise words. Lynn is more cheerful now that she knows she doesnt have to complete every project. And she still enjoys being someone who is curious about so many things. So should you. If youre a starter, your brain is like a big, happy puppy. Love and enjoy it to your hearts

content. Just dont let it tear up the furniture. Like Lynn, remember whos in charge. And never forget to appreciate your curiosity and love of exploring, every day. Boredom is for other people, not for you.
Barbara Sher is a life coach and the author of Wishcraft: How To Get What You Really Want (Ballantine Books, 9.65) and Refuse to Choose (Rodale Press, 9.67). She has just launched a new online programme Hanging Out with Barbara Sher, which ofers content from her workshops and retreats and an online community. Readers can use a special $25 of coupon code valid until 15 November. Visit and enter PSYCHOLOGIES10 at the checkout

three easy ways to manage multiple projects

1. Buy 20 or 30 ring binders. every time you start a new project, begin a new binder and place every clipping, page of scribbled ideas, photograph, etc, safely inside. 2. create a timetable. Remember when you had double maths on Mondays from 9 to 10.30am? Do the same with your free time. schedule in 40 minutes or double periods for each of your projects in the course of a week. 3. Download Do Matrix, an iPhone app based on author steven coveys four quarters time management. simple and efective, use it to manage four projects at once.

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


DOSSIER new beginnings

The unsung joy of a whirlwind romance

There are few things more thrilling than the heady start of a new love afair. For some people, that highly-charged chemical rush can become addictive. Better to burn out than fade away, says Lucy McCarry of her own romantic philosophy
y rst real taste of whirlwind romance happened when I was 21, and had been living in London for a couple of years. I met Doug, a cheeky Australian with ink-pot eyes, while we were both temping in a bank. He and I immediately clicked, and irted our way through the summer. I can still remember reapplying my vivid-pink shimmering lippy in the banks ladies loos, bursting with excitement at the prospect of what I was certain would be a passionate romance. I called him up after my temp job ended, and asked him out. I pretended I was having a party, and invited him (his was the only name on the guest list), but he somehow rumbled me. We ended up meeting in the pub. My best friend at the time was dismissive. It wont last, get a proper, steady boyfriend, learn to drive like me , shed chivvy, as I dashed of to meet the exotic creature from a far-ung land who made me dizzy with excitement. Ultimately, she was right. The initial passion did wear of and my lover returned to Oz anyway, but I wasnt devastated, just glad that wed had such a thunderbolt experience. I still have fond memories (and Ive dined out on the tinned haggis story for years). I did have longer-term relationships, but I remained in thrall to the lure of the passionate new beginning, the former often following the latter as a means of reminding myself that far from there being something wrong with a whirlwind romance, it can be a good thing. Friends around me settled down, but I was never in any rush. My parents had married older (my dad was 56, my mother 36), so in my mind, I had ages. I never felt peer pressure, though friends used to comment on occasion. Are you OK with being single at nearly 40? theyd ask, almost pityingly. I was. If I met someone I wanted to settle down with, that would be great, I reasoned, but in the interim,I was too busy having a great time, free from responsibilities and commitments. I took life as it came. Sometimes my friends questioning of my somewhat ighty behaviour seemed more like thinly-veiled envy. One of the most alluring things about embarking on a whirlwind romance, aside from the chemical rush and the thrill of the new, is that you are at liberty to reinvent >>>
pHOTOgrApH: AnTHOny ArcIerO/gALLery STOcK

ca lli ng t he sh ots What followed was an exhilarating, whirlwind romance. What made it more exciting, more empowering, was that I called all the shots. It felt good to be in control. It gave me a condence I had previously been lacking in relationships, when Id always waited for men to make the rst move. Despite making Doug a decidedly unglam Scottish meal in my bedsit tinned haggis and copious amounts of corner-shop whisky we had a fantastic summer. In retrospect, I probably knew deep down it was always going to be short-lived, but that didnt matter. The time spent supping champagne in packed, parched London parks, going to see Bambi in the middle of the day and kissing in the back row was well-spent.

one of the most alluring things about embarking on a whirlwind romance is that you are at liberty to reinvent yourself


Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013

DOSSIER new beginnings
I remember feeling that this was the beginning of our journey away from home, but that it was only going to be temporary
Nadifa Mohamed, 32, is an award-winning Somali-British novelist

>>> yourself. Not to disguise who you really are, as such, but to dust of the cobwebs of the old you and present the best version of yourself to your new love. A new partner is keen to hear all about you, so you can click the refresh button on your life. New hopes, dreams, even ways of dressing can all add to the joy of it. I have a friend who left her husband, and stepped away from her old staple of jeans and a T-shirt, into dresses. Shes never looked back, romantically or sartorially. Some of my romances have started with the hope that the passion will perpetuate and prosper, others in the sure-re knowledge that the person is not for me, but will provide a psychological llip. And its not what you learn from the other person, ultimately its what you learn about yourself, and what you want from the future. Short-lived relationships provide a consolidated checklist of criteria for relationship positives. Whirlwind detractors are swift to point out these types of relationships are unsustainable, that the giddy thrill will not last and that it will end abruptly, or if it does go on, that pretty soon you and your partner will be grinding your teeth over another large gas bill rather than sweeping each other of your feet. Sure, reality does have to rear its ugly head in longer-term relationships, but why not have fun in the initial, heady days? Whatever way things turn out, the whirlwind can be invigorating, even sustainable.
So m e thi ng ot he r I know this from personal experience. In 2005 I turned 40, and had nished with a long-term Mr Wrong two years previously. One night I met Kev, a friend of a friend, in a Nottingham pub after a football match. Wed met briey years before but remembered each other vividly. A long night of partying was followed by an email from him on the Monday morning. I can still remember being thrilled to see his name on that email when it pinged into my inbox in London. This one seemed to matter, to stick. I was loving the whirlwind, but could sense something other happening. We spent every weekend after that commuting between our cities, declaring love after about six weekends. Kev moved in with me 10 weeks after we met. I didnt hesitate. Id never lived with anyone before, but I wasnt scared. I just trusted my instincts. If anyone else had their doubts about this romance, they didnt express them, and eight years later we now have two children, John, six, and Winnie, four. I still experience a rush of excitement when my whirlwinder emails me from his work. Win or lose, I think that embarking on a whirlwind romance is a gamble well worth taking.

The Orchard of Lost Souls by Nadifa Mohamed is published by Simon & Schuster, 12.99


Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013


n 1986, when I was four years old, I didnt know my father. He was in the merchant navy back then and he lived in London, whereas I lived with my mother and siblings at home in Somalia. At that time this was quite normal, the men often lived abroad to earn money and only came home every four years or thereabouts. But everything changed with the build-up to civil war that hit our country. My father could see that things were going badly and decided we should come to the UK to live with him. First of all, we had to travel to Mogadishu as there were no international ights from the north of the country where we lived. We stayed in the city for six weeks. I dont remember being frightened at all, but I do have vivid memories of all the tastes, smells and sights, they exist in my mind as solitary things with no events attached to them. I can still taste an unusual zzy, green drink a sugary, minty, imported one from Italy. I can still clearly see the view from the top of the mosque, you could see the ocean and the blue sky and all the white buildings, nothing but blue and white. I remember feeling that this was the beginning of our journey away from home, but that it was only going to be temporary. But once the actual travelling began, and the further away we travelled from home, the more the surroundings reected my emotional disconnection. Moscow was dark and cold I remember, by the time we got to Heathrow, the atmosphere was ominous. My older sister was carrying me down the steps of the plane, but it was quite icy and she tripped, and fell. We both hit the ground rolling in the ice and snow a rough beginning for our life in the UK. But I still wasnt worried. Well be going home soon, I thought. I didnt realise then that we would never go back.

DOSSIER new beginnings

What kind of fresh start do you need?

Do you feel like you need to make adjustments but youre not sure where to begin? Take our test to decide which area to focus on
1. Your car breaks down on Friday just as you were going away for the weekend. Your reaction is: This would have to happen to me This car really is a piece of junk Maybe its nothing very serious I should have got the car serviced 2. When you look in the mirror, what do you think? Im forced to look at myself Not bad, Ive seen worse Its impossible to nd clothes that really suit me Its such a pain to have to worry about ones appearance all the time 3. What work situation would be the worst for you? Working with colleagues who think about nothing but work having long hours that encroach on your personal life Not feeling up to the job Moving on every two years 4. Youre in a crowd when an old lady is pushed and falls to the ground just in front of you. Your reaction is: She didnt have to go out when it was so busy Its a scandal. No one has any respect for the elderly Being old is hard. Soon thatll be me lets hope she hasnt broken anything 5. Youre booking tickets online for a weekend in Paris when you see an amazing ofer for Thailand. You Think upselling is outrageous, they are just pushing people to spend more Smile online selling has become an art form Click on the link for more details. At least you can dream Curse the website for leading you astray, you need to get this trip booked 6. What profession seems the most interesting to you? Psychologist Teacher Journalist Architect 7. Theres a colleague you get on well with but she never looks you in the eye when you speak. You think: Thats just the way she is, shy She makes you feel a bit uneasy Shes lacking honesty and sincerity Thats unusual, perhaps she has been through some kind of trauma 8. Your upstairs neighbours have a burst pipe and your bedroom is ooded and your stuf ruined. You... Will lie awake worrying that the taps are turned of properly Think they ought to be more careful hope youre covered by insurance and there wont be any problems Are thrilled, you can redecorate 9. Imagine you were the oldest of 10 children. What would be the most difcult thing to put up with? The lack of freedom The weight of responsibilty having to help out with all the chores Nothing really. Surely it would be a fabulous experience... 10. You move into your dream home but the neighbours wont give you a minutes peace. You think No worries. youll come to an understanding youll know how to discourage them in future, its not a problem you should have set some boundaries from the start Theyre not very bright. It isnt going to be very easy to change them Now add up how many times you chose each symbol and turn the page to see what your results say about you >


PsYchologIes MAgAZINe october 2013


DOSSIER new beginnings

What your score says about you


If you scored mostly

Make changes to get more pleasure from life

How do you escape the daily grind? How can you break with routine in order to fully enjoy your life? addressing these two questions should be your main priority right now. Given the chance, you would willingly change several aspects of your daily life to shake of the burden of responsibility and make more time for yourself. you yearn for more freedom, for more pleasure, and you often feel a desire deep within you to make a clean break from everything thats stiing you. ask yourself this, though. Is it really possible, and do you really want to change so many things in your life? you believe that your life could be a lot more exciting if you were under less pressure. but does a life without any responsibilities really exist? It doesnt, does it? you know that from past experience. However, you shouldnt completely let go of this idealistic dream of a life of total freedom. from time to time its good for you to keep your distance from reality.


You yearn for connection

richer? Happier? a more exciting profession? you wouldnt say no, but none of that is a real priority in your life. the most important thing for you is the quality of your relationships. and sometimes you struggle with this. you would love to feel that you had more support and that people understood you better. sometimes, you feel that your circle of friends can be a bit indiferent towards you, sometimes you even feel that theyre not treating you fairly. you believe that your life would be easier and more pleasant if only your loved ones were there for you whenever you needed them. and thats not always the case. this feeling could be masking a serious dissatisfaction with your choice of romantic partners perhaps or with the quality of your family relationships. start by reviewing the painful experiences in your past, and those situations that are still painful now, in order to get rid of any bitterness on your part which can sometimes get in the way of establishing happy and condent relationships.


Focus on inner transformation

like everyone else, you moan about all the difcult situations that you have to deal with, and life seems less than ideal at times. It goes without saying that you would love to improve some things. However, the source of your dissatisfaction is not usually connected to external circumstances, rather your frustration is directed towards yourself. you have a tendency to blame yourself for a lot of things, eg I am not thin enough, rich enough, clever enough... or everything is my fault . In short, you are too hard on yourself. you would love to change your personality a bit to make it stronger, more courageous, more determined and get rid of certain inconvenient failings. Perhaps you had a very strict upbringing where your aws were overly highlighted and little focus was put on your good points. dont raise the bar so high that it clouds your self-esteem and prevents you from appreciating your true value. accept your strengths, but also your weaknesses. content yourself with changing just one thing the way you view yourself.


Dont change a thing

of course youre not 100 per cent satised with your life. far from it, and you are open to ideas for making positive changes. but, for the most part, you are not yearning to make any great changes. you make condent life choices and even if circumstances are not always within your control, you feel like you are pretty much managing your life all right. are you happy with your lot? yes, on the whole, you are. congratulations. you know how to accept things just the way they are tackling difcult situations as you go along and making the best of things. you have a positive attitude which not only allows you to move forward in life without regret or bitterness, it also benets everyone around you. Perhaps this is the result of an upbringing where you werent given much scope for complaint. In any case, you learned how to make the most of things and how to see the good in any situation. you are right on course, dont change a thing!

PHotoGraPH: sylvIa serrado/PlaIn PIcture

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


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HEARTS AND MINDS: A slogan from the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City

UNIVERSAL LOVE: An activist during the Occupy London protests, which began in the city in 2011


Love in
he image that popped up in my Facebook feed stopped me in my tracks: it was of a group of people staging a mass yoga demonstration in Istanbuls Gezi Park, in an efort to save it from bulldozers. Days later, protestors wore gas masks and danced the tango in the same spot. Around the same time, I heard about Canadas Idle No More movement, which was initially started up by four women in Saskatchewan. Across the land, indigenous First Nations people could be seen holding traditional round dances in shopping malls to promote land rights and the need for environmental protections. Then a colleague told me how locals in Raleigh, North Carolina, were singing gospel spirituals as part of peaceful civil disobedience demonstrations, protesting recent legislative policy changes. Meanwhile, back in the UK, a friend texted me to say hed joined a ash mob meditation in Trafalgar Square. Yoga, tango, meditation and singing as a form of social action? Actually, I could relate to these soft-feeling, engaging, positive pursuits. My heart felt connected

Raised in the shadow of the legacy of apartheid, Jini Reddy got her ll of political protest as a child. But the recent resurgence of a more gentle form of activism has captured her mind and her heart

to them. I didnt tune out, turned of as I ordinarily am by displays of more conventional activism, ofputtingly fuelled as they are, to my mind, by jarring anger and sometimes violence.

Easy does it
Its not that I am not compassionate or that I dont care about injustice I am


Changing the world can begin with acknowledging that how we act in our everyday lives has constant ripple efects
and I do. But Im also the daughter of Asian-South African parents who were raised under apartheid, subject to its humiliating, restrictive laws. I grew up in largely peaceful, democratic Montreal bar the struggle by Quebecois activists

to separate from the rest of the country. Long into the night I would hear my father debating with friends over South African politics, debates that often descended into tense arguments. Is it any wonder that I went the other way? Instinctively, I embraced the softer, more comfortable side of life. The way I saw it, my parents had struggled so that I didnt have to. But could this new form of activism be the kind that I and other softies might actually want to be a part of, compelled to join in by more than an onerous sense of duty? The concept of compassionate activism is not exactly new. Gandhi, of course, famously advocated non-violence. His objective was to earn India independence by peaceful means. But there has been a resurgence of this type of heart-centred movement lately why now? Who are the visionaries? What does compassionate activism mean to them? How does it shape their lives? I begin to delve deeper in London, as I attend the premiere of a film called Occupy Love, written and directed by Canadian lmmaker Velcrow Ripper. It >>>

OCTOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


>>> portrays global issues as a tug of war between power and love, with love win ning. In among scenes of peaceful protest are the voices of indigenous leaders and hopeful visionary thinkers. What were witnessing is a thirst for harmony, sustainability, creativity and compassion, Ripper says. This is activ ism that comes from the heart, not just the head. I think often activists are driven by righteous anger, but for me anger is not a sustainable fuel source. Compass ionate action is about acting, not reacting; its about raising each other up. I inch slightly: what if its not in your nature to want to go out and change the world? Isnt it enough, as Gandhi is said to have advised, to be the change you want to see in the world? The whole point is about being inte grated and whole. Most people who are very actionorientated need to learn how to go inward. And people who are very inwardfocused need to learn how to go outward, says Ripper. I feel the best way to be an activist is to nd out what your gifts are, to unwrap them and bring them into service, into your community and the world. To be of great service, you need to do whatever nourishes you. And not everyone is suited

The best way to be an activist is to nd out what your gifts are, to unwrap them and bring them into service, into your community and the world

explains. Another exercise involves asking ourselves crucial questions, ones that weeks later I am still mulling over: If you could do one action to be of the greatest service, what would you do? If you could do anything dream big what would you do?

to being in a protest role. What we want is to foster a world where everyone is engaged in creative, mutually enhancing relationships. This notion of identifying ones gifts sounds interesting, and Im intrigued enough to attend a workshop that Ripper leads the following afternoon. Were a group of eight one woman confesses that, like me, she is repelled by the notion of traditional activism and soon we pair up and dive into an exercise. We ask each other, over and over: Who are you? Our instinctive replies surprise us. They take us beyond the boundaries of our bodies and worldly identities. When we come from a place of interconnectedness, we move away from Im helping you out to for the good of all an important shift, Ripper

First, do no harm
One woman who doesnt shy away from the big questions is Polly Higgins, bar rister and author of Earth Is Our Business (ShepheardWalwyn, 14.95). Currently she is campaigning for a lifeafrming Earth Law, leading a global initiative to eradicate ecocide.Im daring to be great, she says, unabashedly. To Higgins, this means being in service to something bigger than herself and taking action. When law comes from a place of love we put in place governance that is con structive, not destructive. There is one fundamental principle at play here; rst do no harm. We have a duty of care for both people and the planet. Care comes from the heart, and so this is about love, not fear, she says. For Higgins, compassionate activism means three things: First, theres the state of being: to have compassion is to have an open heart. Second, a state of


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOber 2013


PEACEFUL PROTEST: (opposite page, far left) Purveyors of Positive News, (far left, bottom) Polly Higgins at the Supreme Court Ecocide trial in 2011, (centre images) Elina Pen and Wake Up London events, and (this page) an Occupy Earth banner on front of the White House as part of a protest over a proposed pipeline from Canada to the US

doing flows from the state of being. Any action that arises from a state of compassion can only be driven by love. Then third, theres a state of receiving when we are compassionate activists we receive that which we give out, so in turn we attract more love. She is making an impact: Higgins has now advised 54 countries on the law of ecocide. The results are hard to judge, but various organisations related to the UN are actively engaging, as are ministers of state, UN ambassadors and the legal world. There are law schools, business schools and students all over the world who now use my book as texts. Another advocate of change is Sen Dagan Wood, editor of Positive News, a UK quarterly newspaper with online and print editions, billed as the worlds rst to focus on solutions to issues, and on people and initiatives striving to create a sustainable, just and fullling world. These outer changes creating a more equal society or reversing the destruction of the natural world, for example are essential, and they require people to speak out, to join together, Wood points out.But changing the world doesnt always mean being an activist or doing something on a grand scale.

I think it means nding our own gifts, and also acknowledging that who we are and how we act in our everyday lives has constant ripple efects.

Waking up
The ripple efect is a subject that also impassions Elina Pen, one of the founders of Wake Up London, an organisation established to engage more young people in the capital to, as she puts it, nourish joy and contribute to a healthy and compassionate society . Its part of a global Wake Up network, which was established by Vietnamese monk, Zen Buddhist master, poet, peace and human rights activist Thich Naht Hahn. Wake Up London organises weekly afternoon group sessions for people aged 16-35 at a venue in central London. It also hosts free ash mob events for all ages in prominent places in the city. We want to bring people together to experience peace, raise awareness about meditation and inspire a sense of community too, says Pen. Were about love in action. Were interested in outreach work with the public events, plus were keen to go into schools and to engage teachers so that mindfulness can be taught to pupils.


To this end, a parent Wake Up Schools initiative has already hosted retreats for educators and is working on a curriculum to support its mindfulness aims. As Pen says: If enough of us live more mindfully, we will be living in a world where there is less violence and more love, a world in which we live in harmony with each other and the earth. How heartening to know that while we may not all be imbued with a driving sense of mission, or even clear about what our gifts are, we can try to pay more attention to the texture of our lives, live with greater intention and authenticity, follow our hearts, listen and question more, and in so doing trust that compassionate action will arise naturally. Or as Higgins puts it: We each step up when the time is right.


To nd out more, visit:




ecently, Id planned a day of fun with my young son. However, I also had a deadline to meet. I thought I could juggle the two, with careful planning, but, of course, it didnt work out. After some half-hearted playground trips, too much TV and a rushed bedtime story and plenty of tantrums I slumped at the kitchen table to send yet more emails, thinking that I hadnt phoned my elderly grandfather, again, or paid my tax bill. Ordinarily, Id be the rst to kick myself for being so useless, but the day before I had read the story of a similar-sounding woman. In their new book Scarcity: Why Having Too Little Means So Much (Allen Lane, 20), psychologists Eldar Shar and Sendhil Mullainathan explain that this harried mother wasnt neglectful by nature she was operating under what they call the scarcity mindset . We experience scarcity when we have a perceived lack of something, be it money, food, or, as in my case,

Why do we leave things to the last minute or nd it so hard to think about anything other than food when were on a diet? The answer may lie in the new science of scarcity by rosie ifould PHOTOGRAPHy luke j albert

less is less
time. Mullainathan and Shafir argue that this doesnt just cause worry or stress, it can fundamentally change the way we think. Scarcity captures the mind, they write. When we experience scarcity of any kind, we become absorbed by it. The mind orients automatically, powerfully, towards unfullled needs. They found that in all kinds of diferent circumstances, the psychological efects of scarcity were remarkably similar. To some extent, people perform well in the area where they feel scarcity. So lets say youre cash-poor you might manage a dollar pretty well. Its the other things that get neglected, Shar told me. The research has far more profound consequences than merely an excuse for my distracted parenting. Many of the studies tested the efects of scarcity on well-off, well-read Princeton students and found that a fear of scarcity made them behave the same way as the more disadvantaged. What it suggests, Shar explains, is that scarcity can have the same impact on any of us. The poor, to those who are not nancially poor, often seem exotic, strange and ill-behaved, he says. but if we can show that theres the same psychology at work for people poor in money and those poor in time, it provides an empathy bridge it makes behaviour much easier to understand. Shar is a member of barack Obamas Advisory Council on Financial Capability, where he hopes this research can be used to help implement policies to help those less well-off, but the book also has insights for our own everyday lives. Here are just a few and a number of suggestions for ways you can tackle the scarcity mindset.

Why youre most productive when a deadline looms

When you have a month to complete a project, do you start straight away or remain fairly relaxed about it until, all of a sudden, the deadline is upon you? I think I need the pressure of last-minute >>>


Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013

A tight deadline or shortage of cash focuses us on the task at hand and makes us less prone to careless error

Maintaining a constant vigilance against junk food when youre dieting can be hard throwing it all out in one go is a lot easier
>>> jobs. I need that adrenalin, explains Helen, a communications manager. Helen may be right. When scarcity captures the mind, we become more attentive and efcient, say Shar and Mullainathan. A tight deadline or a lack of cash focuses us on the task at hand. With our minds riveted, we are less prone to careless error. This is known as the focus dividend. When time is scarce, you may have great leaps of progress, flashes of brilliant inspiration that you wouldnt have experienced if you had gone about things in a more measured way. It may also be why meetings get more productive when people realise theyre running out of time to reach an agreement. effect of the scarcity mindset. In one study, dieters took 30 per cent longer to nd the word CLOUD in a wordsearch puzzle if it appeared after DONUT . Another study revealed that when a group of students read about a hypothetical situation where they had to pay an expensive bill, they did signicantly worse in a subsequent IQ test. A small tickle of scarcity and all of a sudden they looked significantly less intelligent, say the authors.Preoccupied by scarcity, they had lower uid intelligence scores. Fluid intelligence, cognitive capacity, executive control all come under what Shafir and Mullainathan term mental bandwidth, and even the slightest suggestion of scarcity taxes our ability to reason properly, to control our impulses, to think clearly. They even found that the efects can be as great for those sufering severe sleep deprivation.


Why the lonely are experts in reading others

People who report feeling lonely are often better at interpreting emotions from photographs of others. You might have thought theyd do worse after all, their loneliness might imply social ineptitude, say the authors. But this superior performance makes sense when you consider the psychology of scarcity. It is what you would predict if the lonely focus on their own form of scarcity, on managing social contacts. It has also been demonstrated that people in poverty are more likely to be better at assessing somethings worth, more astute about bargains. They make a dollar go further. They become experts in the value of money, says Shar. The implication for all of us is not to assume we feel a scarcity because we lack skills. In fact, the opposite may be true.

Why you dont save enough

In the UK, the average persons savings have fallen by 20 per cent, despite the fact were more conscious than ever of the need for a nancial safety net. Why dont we do anything about it? Because demands in the present control our scarcity mindset. Every month I say that Ill put a little bit extra into our rainy-day fund, but theres always some reason why were broke before payday, comments Laura, a HR manager. We are so focused on our immediate need that our vision narrows to exclude other considerations that may be just as important. It may also be why, when we try multitasking, we fail to pay attention to one thing at the expense of a more pressing other.


There are real advantages to understanding scarcity and being aware of how it taxes your bandwidth, says Shar. When scarcity captures your mind, it makes sense to resort to whatever might help you when you know youll be distracted.
Build in some slack This helps to alleviate the feeling of scarcity. The authors use the analogy of packing a suitcase. There will always be a nite amount of space in it, but if you have a bigger case, you wont have to worry as much about what to pack, or spend as long packing it the slack room frees you up to think about other things. Building time into your schedule can take the pressure of the time-poor. change whaTs in your Tunnel when scarcity forces us to tunnel our vision on a single thing, we dont see other important tasks. so setting your calendar to remind you about important diary dates, or signing up for a personal trainer who encourages you not to neglect the gym when youre busy can work efectively.

Why dieting can make you feel stupid

Its day three of your diet and you are thinking about the snack in your drawer. You call a friend to talk about her date last night but later realise that you cant remember the guys name. Then a client phones you to ask why youve emailed him condential information about a competitor. Dont underestimate the

converT vigilanT Behaviours inTo one-offs maintaining a constant vigilance against junk food when youre watching your weight can be hard. Throwing it all out in one go is a lot easier. remembering to pay bills on time every month takes efort, but signing up for a direct debit is simple. making sure you have fewer tasks that require constant vigilance frees up your mental bandwidth. make deadlines your friend mullainathan and shars studies found that setting more deadlines for tasks that were stricter increased productivity as they created a perceived scarcity of time. They also found people tended to be lenient with themselves when self-imposing deadlines, so it helps to let someone else make the rules.

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


rst person


Innocence and inexperience

A bright young girl when it came to school, author Charlotte Mendelson was nevertheless utterly clueless about sex. She recalls teenage years blighted by naivety before she found her way to knowledge and happiness
photography victoria birkinshaw

hink of the most innocent teenager you can possibly imagine. Give her pom-pom hair, NHS glasses, enormous self-hating jumpers; then double her shameful ignorance, her inability even to imagine a naked male, let alone what she would do with one. Add the central fact known to even the most naive of adolescents: that, if you dont immediately have sex with the rst person who asks you, nobody ever will again. Sounds bad? It gets worse. Make sure the poor child 16 now, nearly 17 has an active and romantic imagination, yet knows not a single person she could ask about the practicalities emotional or physical of snogging, let alone what happens next. Then take this poor paradigm of squareness, and put her in a predominantly male boarding school. That girl was me. Innocence is a privilege, and a curse. I grew up in Oxford: a tragically square child even by the impressively swotty standards of my peers. I tried halfeartedly to teach myself Ancient Greek, searched for fossils in the back garden, worried about my innite failings and spent my pocket-money on Just William and the Beano, which taught me boys have fun and girls barely exist. I had private parents, no brothers, no rst cousins, uncles, aunts or godparents; my

Innocence is a privilege, and a curse. Extreme innocence is ne, in theory, but it cant last

friends elder siblings seemed like adults. Pre-puberty, the boys at my primary school were invisible to me; by 10 I was at a girls secondary school, where Keats was a reasonable love object and we thought Bob Dylans Just Like A Woman was the height of filth. Others have recovered from such bad beginnings. In my case, there were further complications. Most women of my generation, raised in the 1970s and 1980s by baby-boomer parents, had grandparents of another, stricter, era. You know: outside lavatories, good manners, a sense of propriety especially about sex. Anyone who saw their elderly relatives as much as I did, every weekend, all holiday, would absorb a little of that, wouldnt they? Perhaps. And my grandparents, whom I loved and respected, came from an even more distant world. They had been born in the Austro-Hungarian Empire. My grandfather had a duelling scar. After 50 years in Britain, their standards had not relaxed; references to sex, illness or nancial hardship, swearing or arguing in public, being seen en route to the toilet, were all taboo. Yet my grandmother was oddly relaxed about other bodily issues; I was not. Aged 13, and only somewhat pubescent, I was lying in a hammock having a nosebleed when she commented: so, blood from one end but still not >>>


OctOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe

Psychologies MAgAZiNe April 2013

lead her from awkwardness to danger; she nds herself in situations I would not want any girl I know to experience, because I have. I wanted to evoke that time when Id find myself in bedrooms, gardens, once a compost heap, with boys I didnt know, let alone like or fancy. I needed to explain, if only to myself, why Id let myself be accidentally groped by a married stranger in a cinema, or to be driven into a lonely field by a former teacher, fanciable once, repellent now. But, as I wrote, I realised that navet was not the reason this kept happening. Most of the clever, gorgeous, feminist women I know were far more worldly than me as teenagers, yet they experienced the same problem: we did not know what was allowed. I dont mean that we werent sure what levels of orgiastic pleasure were acceptable in the young. Equally, Im not referring to rape, or assaults verbal, physical, sexual now often outed and catalogued on websites like or @EverydaySexism on Twitter. No. I am talking about the murky hinterland between the sexes, between partial consent and subtle duress; the fact that, however strong or lovely we were, we didnt know we could say no, I dont want to. We thought that, if we did, wed never be kissed again, or wed be called frigid. We believed a boy when he unzipped his trousers and declared he would be physically harmed unless we did what he expected. And besides, didnt letting them kiss us accidentally give them permission to do whatever they wanted? Age has brought me manifold happinesses, and the greatest of these is knowledge. My life is enhanced by the astounding fact that sex is wonderful, funny, impossible to do correctly, and never stops being rude. But, more importantly, I want my children, and everyone elses, to know the self-hatred-avoiding basics: that vulvas and penises and breasts and thighs all look diferent; that being cool is an illusion; and that everyone thinks they are uniquely, hideously cursed. I also want them to understand that sex is not an obligation. You dont have to snog the frog who sits next to you at a party, or grasp the sticky penis of some boy, or man, just because he unleashes it near your hand, whoever he is. Even if your body responds, you dont have to do what anyone expects. There will be other chances, with people you fancy, some of whom may surprise you. And, best of all, one day you too will see the waiting parents around your childrens school playground, and have the mind-blowingly hilarious realisation: Every adult here has done it! Several times! Including me!

Clueless: Charlotte in her teenage years, when she describes herself as a paradigm of squareness

>>> from the other? She was unashamed of being seen in her

underwear, and thought nothing of whipping back the shower curtain to discuss with me, naked, what to have for dinner. So, yearning for boys, for sex and love, but more familiar with the body of an 80-year-old woman than that of any male, and with sex education conned to science-class stamens, plus one unforgettable sex scene in Judy Blumes Forever, its no surprise that I remained clueless. How, for example, could something horizontal enter something vertical? I couldnt work it out. Extreme innocence is fine, in theory, but it cant last. Eventually, even the most unprepossessing teen will be invited to a party at which there will be equally unappetising boys, alcohol, and a pervasive atmosphere of meat-market desperation. This is where the trouble starts.

I am talking about the murky hinterland between the sexes, between partial consent and subtle duress

Been there, done that...

Marina, the protagonist of my new novel, is a spoddy almost17-year-old living in a basement at with elderly foreign relatives. She is convinced as I was that everybody else knows how to be happy: has the key to dealing with alcohol and boys. So intense is her longing to be diferent that she begs to go away to boarding-school, which her family cannot aford. Researching the book, I interviewed women who, for sixth form, had moved to schools posher and more brutal than mine. Based on their horror stories, I invented Combe Abbey, a recently co-ed, rural hell-hole: full of blond, sporty, goodlooking stockbrokers children, where boys hold up placards to rate the girls attractiveness, drench them in water regularly, give them graphic nicknames based on entirely imaginary frigidity or sluttishness; and are, with the support of the staf, entirely in charge. Marinas overheated speculations

Almost English (Mantle, 16.99) by Charlotte Mendelson is out now



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Its tough out there when it comes to nding a job. You can have the best CV on the block but its still not enough to get you where you want to be. Today, new technology and making the most of social situations plays a bigger role than ever. We spoke to ve career gurus about how to nd work in unexpected places
words Emma Cook

Could you meet your new boss at this

n todays difcult job market, how do you nd the position you want? There was a time when going to a good university or working hard was a guarantee of a great career. But that has all changed, according to a new generation of career advisers. Their message is clear: job security may be a thing of the past, but in its place there

are more opportunities than ever before, thanks to new technology. The internet has changed everything. These days you need a diferent set of skills to nd your dream job, often ones you wont learn on a traditional path. Call it street-smart education , a new way of thinking as you decide what you want to do. Here, ve career experts ofer some advice. >>>




Now its possible to build a career on your own terms, enjoying more than one job

Beth Reacher is a career stylist who specialises in helping women to nd their passion in life (
lanning a 21st-century career means a diferent way of thinking, one where personal fulllment takes priority. Its far away from the old days of thinking about qualications, degrees, jobs for life. New technology has created a new way of working with so much potential. Its never been easier to think of yourself as a brand and set up a business online. I see this as something to celebrate. This goes for people fresh out of college or someone whos been doing the same job for years. Id say to anyone, whatever their stage in life, how do you want to live travelling around or based in one country? Full-time in one job or dabbling in several? If youre already in work but looking to change, you dont have to make a radical change to be happy. Think about transitioning rather than going for a complete switch. Many companies are more open to employees reducing their hours would yours be interested in doing the same? If so, look at how you could use your work skills in a freelance capacity; could you convert your experience into a consulting or coaching role? One woman Ive been advising works permanently in IT but has switched to freelancing as an IT consultant and is also setting up her own cake-making business, which is her passion. Young people really understand this new approach to work, which is why weve seen a surge of 25 to 34-yearolds opt for part-time work over the last few years. Theyve seen their parents work hard for one employer and how quickly it can be taken away from them, so they are dipping into a part-time, steady job and combining that with something that fulls them in a diferent way. People worry that theres less security than ever before, but I say its far riskier to rely on one long-term employer. Now its possible to build a career on your own terms, enjoying more than one job and creating diferent streams of income. With the internet, there are no limits.

Find something you love, but always think about how you can make it valuable to others

Chris Guillebeau is an entrepreneur, blogger on the art of non-conformity, and author of The $100 Startup: Fire Your Boss, Do What You Love And Work Better To Live More (Macmillan, 12.99).

New technology has created a new way of working with so much potential there are no limits

hat I encourage people to do is create their own freedom. If you are someone who likes a traditional career, thats perfectly ne, but if youre looking for something else to do, then youve got to take a long hard look at your life why do you do what you do? How would you really like to spend your time? I tell people to pay close attention to certain details. If youre not sure of your strengths, think about the sort of questions people frequently ask you when they want your help and advice; what are you, the go-to person for your group of friends? Someone I know was always passionate about travel and all his friends and colleagues would ask him for tips about how and where to go; he ended up arranging their trips for free, then eventually set up a basic website and ofered it as a service. The site earned more than $100,000 a year and he was still able to carry on with his day job. One of the most exciting aspects of getting people to go their own way and not follow the conformist route is shining a light on how others have managed it, so we can support each other. The internet helps you do this; its also great for getting feedback. Im probably a good example of this I decided that I wanted to visit every country in the world and started blogging about my project. People started saying, Thats all very well for you, but how does it help me? It was good constructive criticism and I thought, how can I make what Im doing more helpful? So I made it more commercial, creating ebooks about my travel experiences and sending information out about frequent ier miles. Its important to nd something you love but always think about how you can make it valuable to others, too. Its not just about you; connect your passion to something thats useful as well.


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOber 2013


Focus on building up diferent networks of people while you gure out what you want to do
Michael Ellsberg is a blogger, public speaker and author of The Education Of Millionaires: Its Not What You Think And Its Not Too Late (Portfolio, 19.99).


f you want average results from your career, then do what average people do. Go to college and follow an established path and get a comfortable, entrylevel job. If you want something better, do something beyond average. Im arguing for street-smart education rather than a theoretical one. And that comes down to being proactive. Most people dont take the initiative; theyre passive and dont think for themselves. Which is why networking is the meta-skill of the 21st-century career. Studies have found that 80 per cent of hiring happens in the informal job market where a position hasnt been advertised, so its all down to connections. For my book, I interviewed 50 millionaires and ve billionaires and all of these people are passionate

networkers and connectors. Im not talking about the old-boy school networks here, but young urban people creating meet-ups and events online. Whatever age you are, my suggestion would be start a professional network, something where you meet once or twice a month. Remember that most job opportunities come through a weak link, such as an acquaintance that you dont know well but you may have met a few times through someone else those are the people who are really useful to you. Above all, dont worry if you have no idea what you want to do by the time youre 21. I didnt know what I wanted to be until I was in my thirties. Try lots of diferent things so you can pick up as many skills as possible. Focus on building up diferent groups and networks of people while you gure out what you want to do. Dont be afraid of taking on a sales job; nearly everyone I interviewed had worked in selling at some point. Its not just about getting people to buy things. Its also about pitching and persuading people to listen to your ideas; and both these skills will be key >>> in anything you want to do in life.

OCTOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe




Networking is paramount but you need to think about how you can do it efectively

Carole Ann Rice is a life coach ( and co-author of Start Your Dream Business (Marshall Cavendish International, 12.99).

Its about nding your aptitude and growing more conscious of what you feel youre good at

Sir Ken Robinson is a speaker and international adviser on education, and author of Finding Your Element (Allen Lane, 16.99).

he work climate out there is so diferent today see so many people doing things they dont really and you have to be more strategic in terms care for, enduring rather then enjoying life, hanging of knowing your personality strengths and on for the weekend. Then I speak to others who love promoting yourself. Its all very well saying networking what theyre doing and they cant believe theyre getting is paramount, which it is, but think about how you paid. I call this being in your element and thats what can do it efectively. Dont assume its all about you need to discover to get the career you want. Its all being pushy when you go to an event. Be helpful and about nding your aptitude growing more conscious supportive; listen to what other people do and think of what you feel youre good at. Aptitude can be buried, about how you can solve their problems rather than thanks to school and traditional education, and its selling yourself. Dont assume youll meet a great down to you to dig it out through self-reection. contact the rst time; you have to go a minimum of You need to get to know yourself better. In my book, ve times to any group event before you really engage. I ask people to start of by making lists of everything A client of mine started going to one regular event they do in a week; writing emails, looking after children, and asked the network organisers if she could help watching TV. Take that as a starting point, then break out: she would meet everyone as they came in and it down into areas; which activities do you feel good at? became the linchpin of that group. They eventually What tasks come naturally, make you feel uplifted? ofered her a job. Look at your list and think about the ones that raise Be shrewd about how you tweet comment your energy. If youre in your element, you get energy insightfully and re-tweet people you admire; they from whatever youre doing; an hour feels like ve will notice you and like the fact you follow them with minutes. If youre not, ve minutes feels like an hour. such enthusiasm. Another client of mine tweeted a Dont feel that your career has to conform to a linear famous business leader she really respected and, even track. Education is based on linearity, but what you though she only had 70 followers, he followed her. do in life isnt. You have control over what you choose Hes now commissioned her to make a lm for him. to do; think of the direction you take as a quest. Life is I personally have built up so much work from people brief only do things that hold meaning and purpose. following me on Twitter; they like the style of my tweets and approach me about coaching. Use social media intelligently. Draw up a dream list of ve companies that youd love to work for and ve leaders Here are ve questions you need to ask who you would love to be mentored by; diferently in order Whats holding If you could create follow them on LinkedIn and keep an eye to create this new you back? Find the ideal role for on their websites for any opportunities. role? new ways to tackle yourself and there One client I had was determined to work these obstacles. were no limits as to for the National Trust. It was her dream what it could be what Where can you nd organisation, so she kept checking its would it look like? a mentor to support What can you do website each and every day; when a job and champion you to diferently this get you where you month to showcase What would you eventually did come up, she applied want to be? your talents? have to believe and got it straight away.

CoaCh yourself to a Career you love

4 5


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOber 2013

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rst rstperson person

This little dog

When Anne Thorns only son took his own life at university, one of the things that helped her through her overwhelming grief was getting a dog photography lEE sEarlE

lfie came into my life three weeks and one day after Toby left it. Toby is my only child my son, who died aged 23 years, six months and 18 days old. Ele is a small, ufy terrier. When I woke up this morning, there she was, a warm, furry body curled up beside me on the bed, tting perfectly into the S-bend of my own body. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I can feel her warmth. Sometimes I reach out and just softly stroke her head or her belly, and she sighs contentedly. The rst three weeks after Toby died I went through my life like a robot, programmed to carry on, to carry out the essential tasks of telling all my friends about the tragedy, of talking to coroners, policemen and funeral directors. Because Toby had a tragic death: he killed himself. I was left facing not only a life without my beautiful son, but one now beset with a million questions

If Ele could talk, Im sure she would have said, Itll be OK, Ill help you get through this

that all started with Why? and the answer to every one of them is the same Ill never know. I had just realised a lifelong dream of leaving behind the rat race and a stressful IT job in London and relocating to Cornwall. I kept pinching myself that here I was living in my spiritual home, a place that I had felt drawn to since I was ve years old. I was finally here, ready to start living a life I had dreamed about for 20 years. Then, out of the blue, a policeman knocked on my door and everything changed.

Finding a friend

Part of my moving-to-Cornwall dream had always been to have a dog and so somewhere, even in the depths of my grief, I must have known this was the time to do it. Getting a dog was the only, small, light at the end of a very dark, long tunnel. Toby died in Cambridge, but for the week between his death and the funeral I was back at home in >>>


Psychologies MAgAZiNe april 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe october

saved my life

rst person

This page: Toby as a little boy (above), and (middle) during his school years, and (right) a Mothers Day card he once sent to his mother Anne

Opposite page: Anne and Ele today, (top right) Anne with her father and Toby, and (bottom right) Ele as a puppy curled up asleep with her toy

>>> Cornwall. I had decided I might as well carry on with the stuf

I had planned, otherwise I would be just sitting in the house looking at the wall, wanting to die. Looking back now, I nd it unbelievable. Why wasnt I a weeping, quivering mess, unable to drag myself out of bed? But no, I went to the dentist, and I was booked in to have a small outpatient investigation at a private hospital, so I did that, too. I found myself in the waiting room idly searching Google on my tablet for puppies in Cornwall. I knew Ele was mine as soon as I saw her staring out at me from the screen. I drove round to the house where she was born. And there she was a feisty, independent, little thing, bumbling round the kitchen oor with her brothers, giving as good as she got. I picked her up and looked into her eyes. She will never know what an important mission she had, but if she could talk, Im sure she would have said, Itll be OK, Ill help you get through this. I collected Ele soon after we met and from the minute I put her down on the rug, she just made herself at home as if she had always been there. We soon got into a routine. Id wake early every day, as Ele needed to be let out. Then Id curl up on the sofa covered in

In my very black times, the only thing that kept me alive was looking into Eles sweet brown eyes

a blanket and lie there wondering how I was going to get through the next hour. Tobys funeral was over by then, there was nothing to be done now, nothing more to organise and my friends had stopped calling every day. And, as so often happens, things were about to get a whole lot worse before they got better my father was diagnosed with cancer the day after I brought Ele home with me. It was August, so once I had found enough energy to get dressed, I would sit in the garden with the little pup running around my feet, playing with all manner of balls and toys, until it was time for her next nap. One of my friends commented that Ele was a child substitute, which was deeply upsetting to me; how could anything be a substitute for my lost son? But I know they didnt mean any harm its hard for anyone to say the right thing in these circumstances. Ele was certainly my only reason to stay alive, and in my very black times when I was thinking how I could just take a few of the diazepams that the doctor had given me and just walk into the sea, the only thing that stopped me was looking into her sweet brown eyes. In the end, my dad passed away four months after my son



so I live alone now my mum, Dad and Toby all gone. Tobys father had not been in the picture since my son was two years old. Ele is my best friend, my condante, my pal. She stays slumped on the bed fast asleep, while I shower, wash and dry my hair and get dressed. As soon as I head for the stairs, she leaps up, tail wagging, knowing that her exciting day of mud, adventures and doggy friends is about to begin. At the weekend she adjusts her routine beautifully: walk, collect the newspaper, breakfast, then a spot of dozing on my lap until the afternoon walk. She wants to be with me and she accepts me just the way I am.

Love always
Choosing a name for Ele was very easy for me. When Toby was seven years old, we went to babysit my five-year-old nephew at my brothers house. As bedtime approached, I searched the bookshelf for a story and found a picture book with a child hugging his dog on the front cover. I sat between

the two boys on the sofa and we began reading the story about a boy and his dog, Ele. The book turned out to be about the death of the boys dog a terrible tale in theory, but the moral of the story was that although he was sad that his pet had died, he was comforted because every day he had told her, Ill always love you. By the end I was weeping; and the boys thought this was funny, but when we got home that night and I put Toby in his own bed, I kissed him and said, Ill always love you and from that day forward we said it to each other every day. Even if I was mad with him and he was stomping down the road to school, I would shout after him, Ill always love you, and when he was grown up and at university, he would end his texts with IALY. Those words are now etched on a small slate marker stone where his ashes are buried. When he went away to university, I found a copy of the book and sent it to him, with Ill always love you Toby scrawled on the inside cover. That went into his casket, so its gone with him to wherever he is now. These days, Im doing much better and Ele continues to be the biggest source of joy and love in my life. And of course I tell her every day, Ill always love you.
Anne writes a blog and has created a support group for parents who have lost a child to suicide. You can nd it at




lost pastimes
Hobbies, spare time, leisure arent those just for children? As a parent, you can be so busy making sure your kids are involved in lots of activities that its easy to forget about your interests. Author, mother and self-confessed workaholic Adele Parks reveals how she dipped her toe back into the world of pleasurable pursuits

In search of


very time I wade into a swimming pool, a little part of me just wants to turn around and scamper back to the changing room; I feel scared and foolish. As a schoolkid, I did everything I could to avoid swimming; I faked illnesses and hid my kit. It was a combination of things that put me of: as a chubby child I didnt want to be seen in my swimsuit; I had a disproportional fear of soggy plasters; and the amount of lessons I skipped meant that I quickly fell behind my year group and had to join the babies. Simply, truthfully, I was terried. I hated the feeling of my head under water, my feet of the ground. Swimming aside, I was generally an enthusiastic do-er type as a girl. I had a number of hobbies: ice skating, drama, art and photography. I completed the Duke of Edinburgh Awards, Bronze, Silver

and Gold, which required much hiking up and down mountains, throwing pots, dancing, playing hockey and singing to OAPs. My son is 12 and while I dont think Im overly pushy (which mother does, really?), I certainly encourage him to have lots of hobbies. Before he walked he was attending music and swimming classes. Now, he regularly performs in theatre productions, goes to holiday lm schools, swims, fences, plays football as well as classical guitar. Hes quite a end at chess and in his spare time he takes photos (oh, OK, and he also plays videogames).

All work, no play

Im pleased he has such a diverse range of hobbies. Hes unlikely to pursue them all ad innitum (schoolwork, pop music and girls will take over), but I like to think he has a range of talents and experiences

that will stand him in good stead and allow him to turn his hand to most things as he gets older. Then, one day, he asked me, So what are your hobbies, Mum? I have hobbies, I replied defensively. Like what? he pursued. He made the argument that it was, at best, illogical, at worst, hypocritical, that I, and many other parents, relentlessly encourage children in extra-curricular activities but do very little outside our working lives. I know that hobbies help us unwind. They challenge us and provide diferent social links. Studies show people with hobbies live longer. Whats not to love? But when he asked this question, I realised I didnt have any hobbies. Where had the do-er gone? Shes sitting behind a desk. Still doing, of course, but not doing so many fun >>>

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


to a bunch of emerging readers that Id learn to swim if they learnt to read. Ive spent a lifetime avoiding swimming, although my husband and son are shes. (I had the sense to take our son to swimming lessons from three months old, so he wouldnt inherit my fears.) So, no one is more surprised than I am when I say that, since the start of 2013, Ive swum every day. After a couple of lengths, I start to relax. And when I get out, I feel refreshed and proud that I didnt give in to my rst wimpy impulse to scarper. After initial trepidation, I can honestly say I love it. I resent the mornings I miss because Im dashing to London and make it up in the evenings. I realise exercising regularly isnt the same as having a hobby. My swimming doesnt provide me with social interaction, but it does help me to switch of from work, and I do have to leave the desk. Its a start. Just say yes has become my motto. Over the last eight months, Ive attended cookery schools, silent discos, experimental theatre groups and karaoke nights. I have tried quad-biking, sandboarding and Ive ridden a camel. Im healthier, my back doesnt ache quite as often, or quite as much. I have far better anecdotes to tell at parties and I feel more invigorated and inspired. Im not there yet. I still have a tendency to try to pull out of things at the last minute, claiming Im too busy, but my friends and family have been briefed to ignore protests and drag me out of the house. My default setting is to I think Im not likely to be very good at something new and I prefer to stick with the hobbies I feel Im more talented at (art and drama rather than sport), but Im constantly trying to push. So far, its only been good news. My world has not fallen apart, in fact, its a better, bigger, brighter world where I can nally look my son in the eye and say, I have hobbies!
Adele Parks latest novel, The State Were In (Headline, 12.99) is out now

>>> things. If Im not working or caring for my family, Im throwing a dinner party or slouching in front of the TV. I dont even take pleasure in cooking the way some do; I cook well but with an air of efciency and necessity rather than indulgence. Reading once my greatest pleasure is no longer quite as relaxing as it was. Since I became a published author 13 years ago, Im conscious that there are books I ought to read (theyre either on awards lists or someone is hoping for an endorsement), or the books I have to read (for research) so the books I actually want to read slip down the pile. Pleasure is sapped. I no longer attend amateur dramatics. The darkroom was converted to a nursery many moons ago. I dont even take walks in the country, let alone hike up mountains.

because Im reasonably sure Im pretty good at my job, but outside work? I needed a hobby but I was at a loss as to what to take up. I cant read music or sing. My hand/ball coordination isnt up to much, and I wasnt condent I could learn a new language either. Despairing, I announced: Im a one-trick pony, I can write and thats it!

My back doesnt ache as much, I have far better anecdotes to tell at parties, and I feel invigorated and inspired
I forced myself to take a deep breath. Some of these harsh self-criticisms came from judgements I or someone else made about me when I was very young. I realised Id become set in my ways. My energy and condence was gone. In the work I do with The Reading Agency, a charity that encourages adult literacy, I often hear the same in relation to learning to read. Logically I know hobbies and interests should not just be the domain of kids. After a lifetime of focusing and narrowing, all I really had to do was broaden. I found myself making a pledge

Putting an end to excuses

No time for hobbies, I declared. I am selfemployed and a bit of a workaholic, which means I never have cause to step away from the laptop. Besides, theres ironing to do, groceries to buy, knicker drawers to sort. Yes, I heard my excuses for what they were. Excuses. Was there a condence issue, perhaps? Its easier to say Im busy than to give something a go and discover youre hopeless. Id sunk into a very deep comfort zone. I am prepared to challenge myself at work


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOBER 2013


Tests, tips, events and articles to help you know more and grow more


Take the test

Are you afected by regret?
Regrets are part of our emotional baggage; some linger, while others can be very painful. There are diferent approaches to coming to terms with these feelings. what is yours?

Celebrate what youve achieved

Marking your achievements has many benets; xing them in your mind encourages you to go for your goals, and achieving them builds condence. Life coach Mhairi Gordon-Preston has some ways to celebrate your success: Write an achievement diary. before you go to bed, list everything youve achieved that day. Aim to come up with at least 10 achievements , then pick one and reect on what it has contributed to your life. Try this for the next 30 days. Treat yourself. buy some owers, have a luxurious bath, or enjoy a night out to celebrate the bigger achievements. Focus on you and exactly what you want. Talk about your successes. Post what youve achieved on social media, or share it with a close friend over lunch. People who care about you will love hearing your wonderful news.

Your dilemmas answered

I cheated and got pregnant what should I do?
A reader writes: ive been trying to get pregnant for almost eight years. its put a lot of strain on my marriage, and i ended up in bed with someone from work. now ive discovered im six weeks pregnant. i dont know whether i should get rid of it and risk never having a child, or let my husband believe the baby is his. Lucy Beresford replies: For me, theres only one answer here and its the one you dont raise, which is to tell your husband the truth. Honesty is always the best policy. its often messy and can be painful, but, ultimately, the truth will out.

PHOTOGRAPH: j. wHeeleR And v. lAws/cORbis


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HAVE A GREAT DAY! make each moment at work count

radical acceptance: what happened when one woman said yes to everything Be your own hero (with some expert help) how to be alone but not lonely lessons from the antarctic circles of strength: we celebrate the friends who support us

its like for a 21st-century Bridget Jones

photograph: tom merton/plain picture

Plus: In search of real romance: what

Be life curious
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SpecIal report


* IDS report SponSoreD by Facebook; 62 per cent oF 7,446 Smartphone uSerS between the ageS oF 18 anD 44 reacheD For theIr phoneS ImmeDIately on wakIng up. backgrounD Image: ShutterStock

This is the rst thing 62 per cent of us* turn our gaze on when we wake up. Not our partners sleepy eyes, or our childs smile, but a screen. As more of us move to smartphones, with their do-it-all technology, the bond grows. You and your phone eat, sleep, socialise, even holiday together. Our partners battle with pieces of glass and plastic to be top priority. Fascinated by this, Psychologies features writer Ali Rof put her relationships romantic and digital to the test, and we spoke to neurologist Susan Greeneld and digital journalist Tom Standage to put our afair with mobile technology into context.

OCTOBER 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


special report
Just enough time to check twitter, he said. see what people are saying, tweet that were watching Broadchurch too! Who is the killer? We think its the vicar. But, @JoeBloggs thinks its the detective! and that was it, he was hooked. ten minutes later, i gasped in excitement. a secret had been revealed and, for the rst time since the episode began, my boyfriend managed to tear himself away from the twitter feed to look at the tV. What happened? he asked, eyes wide. youd know if you were watching, i said, my eyes on the screen. childish? oh yes. But it jogged him back to reality and he watched the rest of the episode without the live commentary. according to new research, we are now online for an average of four hours a day, compared to just 46 minutes in 2002 before the introduction of smartphones*. We are connected around the clock to social networking sites, to friends and strangers, not to mention the various email/text/im/call options we use to keep in touch. Whats more, we have become emotionally dependent on our devices in the uk, 51 per cent admit to feeling extreme anxiety, and 37 per cent to a lack of control, when separated from

You, him and the smartphone: how to live in harmony
l Agree to commit

table or in the bedroom.

l When you are using

to spending time together without your smartphones. Set specic timeframes that work for both of you, whether for an hour when you get home from work or when you go out socially at the weekend. l Create no-phone zones for specic problem areas, eg at the dinner

your smartphone in company, think about the person you are with. What are they doing when you are using your phone? Is your attention focused in the right place? l Include the person you are with so they dont feel excluded. Share the

video you are watching or tell them what the friend you are talking to is up to. l Ultimately its about self-discipline and taking responsibility for the amount of time we spend on our phones. The fact that we have constant access to the online world doesnt mean we need to use it 24/7.


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOBER 2013

photograph: matt dutile/gallerystock. *research coNducted By iNtel. **research coNducted By Versapack. ***research coNducted By

y partners with the competition right now oblivious to me, and anything else around him. i could be dancing naked on the coffee table and he wouldnt bat an eyelid. its not another woman, or a demanding best friend. my rival is no mere mortal: im competing for my partners love and attention with a smartphone. its a whole new front in the eld of relationship warfare. so how do we deal with it, and what are the rules? We have private, special bonds with our smartphones; were in love with them and lost without them. in one tiny hunk of plastic is held much of our working and private lives, from crucial emails to private photographs to the whole digital world out there; from everything-youever-needed-to-know on Wikipedia to your exs prole on Facebook. so is it really that strange i feel uneasy about my partners other exclusive relationship? my partner and i sat down one night a few months ago to watch the last episode in the tV murder mystery series Broadchurch. conspiracy theories and popcorn at the ready, we waited excitedly for the ominous theme tune to start.


their smartphone**. theyve even found their way into the bedroom, with 62 per cent of women and 48 per cent of men admitting to interrupting a sexual rendezvous to use their phone***. in her new book Untangling The Web: What The Internet Is Doing To You (Faber & Faber, 12.99), social psychologist dr aleks krotoski cites sobering research from harvard: a 2010 study found that 68 per cent of participants registered phantom vibrations actual physical sensations that their phones were buzzing when they werent. im willing to wager that statistic is even higher in 2013. Watching tV is not the only occasion my boyfriends smartphone has stolen him away from time weve put aside to spend together. day trips and meals out have often been interrupted by the phone bleeping for attention in his pocket. it usually starts with him tweeting about something for work. his eyes light up with little blue birds and although hes still sitting in front of me, hes left the table, left the restaurant, and is in his own private world where he can see what hugh Jackman ate for breakfast and how much an old colleague is enjoying his holiday in devon. meanwhile, im sitting there, twiddling my thumbs, trying not to look bored. more recently id play him at his own game, pull out my phone and tell him to hold on as i upload an instagram shot of >>>




>>> my proteroles. Childish? Denitely. As soon as I put my phone away, his had miraculously disappeared, too.

Attention, please!
Frances Booth, author of The Distraction Trap: How To Focus In A Digital World (Pearson, 10.99), says that we put huge demands on ourselves to keep up to date with multiple platforms such as Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.Its impossible, and theres no need to do it, she explains. We live in a world where 100 per cent attention is too much to ask. We are scattering tiny fragments of our attention everywhere but focusing nowhere. Whats the value in this, when we could focus our complete attention on one task, such as a face-to-face conversation? I know Im not the only person in a relationship, or even a friendship, to feel like this. How is it I feel? Bored, mainly. A little left out, perhaps. Self-conscious, too am I boring? Am I not a priority, even though Im there, in person? Im upset that @JohnSmith21, a stranger from Leeds who happened to enjoy that lm we saw last night, is getting more attention than me just now. But Im guilty of it too. Ive noticed myself asking him to repeat himself because Im engrossed in an email. On a recent day out with my mum I realised Id been scrolling mindlessly through Facebook mid-chat before forcing myself to put the phone away. So whats going on? Am I being spoilt, demanding my partners attention at all times, wanting to be his top priority, while I act as I please? Or is something deeper going on here? Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor at Relate, tells me she now counsels an increasingly large number of couples that are experiencing problems caused by the overuse of technology, the internet in particular. We can often feel less important than the people our partners are interacting with in this private world, she explains. We can feel excluded. The attention on

Manners maketh the man?

I spoke to friends, family, and colleagues to nd out how they felt. For many, it came down to manners. But are there smartphone rules? Ive come to the conclusion that there arent really, not any more. Before we were introduced to the

smartphone ve or six years ago, mobile phone manners were clearer. Today, with the innite tasks they can carry out, we constantly use them socially and privately, and the lines are blurred. Manners in every area of life are changing, as we become more timepoor. But they dont change consistently; they are subjective and seem to difer greatly between generations. Younger people spend most time online; in the uK, 25 to 34-year-olds are the largest age group to use their smartphones to access the internet. >>>


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOBER 2013


the relationship is being diluted and there is also a worry that these online friends are more interesting to our partners than we are. Sounds familiar. I have a holiday approaching and Knowles suggests that with the grip of our phones made temporarily redundant because of expensive network charges abroad, I should to talk to my partner. His reaction is surprise, explaining hes simply comfortable with me. He knows I understand the competitive nature of his industry and the need to network online; were a team, he realises I have to do the same. Reluctantly, I had to admit that I understood where he was coming from. But something was still niggling. Couldnt he put his phone away when we were relaxing in a restaurant, or at a barbecue? Did it always need to be there, even when he shouldnt be working?

of us worry we will miss out on what others are doing when we are away from our phones**


It sucks away your interaction with, and experience of, your feelings about the real world
Susan Greeneld, professor of pharmacology at Oxford University, is a neuroscientist who has researched and written about the efect of technology on how people think and feel
o ask whether our love afair with our smartphones is good or bad is like saying is a car a good thing? This is such a new way of life. Nowadays you can date, shop, learn, communicate and play games all on your phone. Its not as if youre just using a new technology, its that youre living in a diferent place. I fully acknowledge the positives. Im often demonised as some kind of Luddite who wants to turn the clock back but of course there are positives. The Arab Spring; the fact universities are putting their stuf out there, for example. But on the other hand, when you become so used to sharing every thought that you have via your phone and getting feedback, to following other peoples thoughts, then youre no longer living in the real world. An example would be a woman at a meeting who is so busy tweeting shes not listening to what is being said. Or you make a chocolate cake and youre so keen to take a picture to put online that you dont actually enjoy the cake. The experience is about what people think of it are they impressed you are eating a chocolate cake? This is very profound in the sense that you now have this new friend stuck to you your phone through which you express yourself and you dene yourself. It takes up a lot of your time, energy and attention, and it sucks away your interaction with

and your experience of and your feelings about the real world. I think that is a very deep-seated issue of which we are only just beginning to be aware. Part of being human is to have a strong sense of your own identity and to take great pleasure in having a private life as opposed to one that is shared with everyone. Part of that private life is a few key individuals who are very special. My close friends are a very positive aspect of my life and the notion of not having them would be very negative. The idea that you are relinquishing that specialness changes everything. The people you interact with online are just an audience, as opposed to a relationship. In terms of the efect on our brains, scientic papers are starting to appear, but theyre very specic. Theres evidence from China showing that there are microstructural abnormalities in the brains of compulsive internet users. But at the moment there is more evidence from surveys and psychological analysis, where we are seeing a rise in narcissism and a decline in selfesteem. How that relates to physical changes in the brain is less clear, but we know physical changes do occur because the brain adapts to environment. Its just not easy or cheap to test, but we will get there.






their partner or friend but then continue with the behaviour, its clear sign they are either indiferent to their partners happiness or actually trying to hurt them. And Booth is also concerned about the damage we are doing ourselves: As a society, we dont like to use the word addicted but most of us are a lot more digitally distracted than we may think. Its a spectrum: and everyone who uses a smartphone is on the spectrum. We need to be aware of that. Amid my journey to understanding our strange relationship, my partner, our smartphones and I moved in together. Once we had talked openly about our little love triangle-turned-love square, it was clear to both of us that we had fallen into bad habits and could sometimes be rude without realising. We needed to put each other rst, and our phones back in their rightful place. Self-discipline, a new understanding of each others feelings, and a pinch of mindfulness seem to have helped our now happy foursome to amicably cohabit. Well, that and the fact that we havent got around to installing the broadband connection yet.

So is it possible to establish a set of rules by which we can live together harmoniously? It may be down to distinguishing our habits from our intentions, and making appropriate adjustments. Relationship psychologist Beverley Stone also explains that there may be a darker side to the intentions of some users: Using a smartphone in company can simply be down to habit. Our intentions are harmless as we are unaware of the negative impact its having on the other person. But if someone can see, or has been made aware, that its irritating

I do sometimes feel like inside my phone is where all the action is

Keris Stainton is an author for young adults who has embraced online social networking. She discusses what it means to her and how it ts in with the rest of her life
omeone I know woke up one morning to nd shed tweeted in her sleep. Im not quite that bad, but I am obsessed with Twitter. I was a very early adopter (before Stephen Fry even) and, as of writing, Ive sent more than 130,000 tweets. I tweet funny things my children say. I tweet about TV shows, books and writing. I chat almost every day with a core group of people some of whom Ive met in real life, some I havent who I consider friends. Because I work from home, its a great way to network and its also a brilliant laugh. I sometimes nd Im posting when I should be living, but as a writer, Ive always done that anyway Twitter just gives me a new avenue. In the park once, my nine-year-old, told me of for spending too much time on my phone hed noticed

when I wasnt tweeting funny things he or his brother said, I was taking photos of them to put on Facebook. I said, Youre right. Ill turn it of now. Just let me make a note of this, I want to pitch it to a magazine I do sometimes feel like inside my phone is where all the action is and when Im not on Twitter Im missing out if theres a party happening in your pocket isnt it rude not to turn up? I nd checking for responses especially if Ive tweeted something I think is funny or interesting can, like other kinds of validation, become addictive fast. The other side of the coin is that I sometimes get into heated debates that seem much more urgent because theyre coming through in short bursts on my phone. Recently, on holiday, I spent much of a beautiful walk tweeting furiously on the subject of

a female Doctor Who. Looking back, I feel like an idiot, but at the time it seemed vital I get my point across. I appreciate this doesnt seem all that healthy, but Twitter comforted me when my dad died and I couldnt sleep, entertained me when my son was two weeks overdue and I was on bed-rest, and celebrated when I got a book deal. When I started writing online about my life before Twitter, before Facebook it was because I felt alone. Now thats not the case. I feel part of this supportive, funny community. I share my experiences good and bad in the hope that they may make others feel less alone.



Were still negotiating what an appropriate amount of privacy is

Tom Standage, digital editor at The Economist and author of Writing On The Wall (Bloomsbury, 14.99), believes that new technology makes no real diference to our relationships that the way we relate and gossip has not changed for millennia
So your theory is that all this is really nothing new?

My argument is that the technologies come and go, but they still push the same buttons in our heads: the desire to share information with friends and feel part of a wider community. Today we do it with smartphones and social networks, the Romans did it with papyrus rolls carried by scribes, and later generations did it with cofee houses and pamphlets, scientic journals, early newspapers, and so on. But these earlier forms were not universally accessible. The great thing about mobiles and Facebook is that, in rich countries at least, pretty much anyone who wants to can use them.
Do they make us more shallow?


These social technologies can convey shallow messages just as easily as they allow for serious discussion. The same was true in the Roman era: Cicero told his friend Atticus to send him a message every day, even if he had nothing to say. He didnt want to feel out of the loop when he was away from Rome. There can be benets to even apparently shallow conversations, as theyre a way for us to stay in touch with our friends.
Is there a useful function to this minute-by-minute keeping in touch?

that they are the human version of grooming activity. In other primates this involves picking parasites out of each others fur, for example. And primates spend much longer on grooming than is necessary, because it has a social function too. Its a way to reinforce and publicly demonstrate a bond. Who you groom, and who you allow to see you grooming, sends a social message. Grooming is how you assess and maintain your position in the social hierarchy. Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist at Oxford University, thinks human speech, and specically gossip, emerged as a more efcient form of grooming. It lets you groom more than one person at a time, and you can do something else (such as prepare food) while youre doing it. So the exchange of gossip acts as social glue: what we say or dont say about ourselves, or about others, helps us establish our social positions

relative to others. And this, I think, is why social media is so compelling: it means you can gossip with your friends anywhere, at any time.
What about privacy? Smartphones invade our homes and our bedrooms in a way that networks of friends never did, historically...

Thats true. But nobody is forcing us to share all this stuf about ourselves online, some people are happier sharing more than others. As a society, were still negotiating, in efect, what an appropriate amount of privacy is, now that we can share everything we do online. I dont sleep with my phone under my pillow but my wife does!
Does technology really encourage us to be nastier?

The point of gossip, and the deeper explanation for the value of apparently shallow discussions, is



I dont think it inherently makes us nastier, no. But online social media is diferent from earlier forms of social media, and diferent from spoken gossip, in that it is global, instant, permanent and searchable. So the consequences of saying something nasty can be much greater. You dont just shock the people around you in the pub: potentially millions can see what youve said about someone, and even if you try to delete it there will probably be other copies oating around. So I dont think social media makes us nastier, but it does require us to think much more carefully before expressing ourselves.







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beauty & living reections

Keep calm and

here can often be a stigma attached to the word stress, making it hard to admit that sometimes we all get a little overwhelmed. We may not be sharing our feelings with others but our skin is shouting it out loud and AMERLEY clear. For me, spots ensue, but you OLLENNU may experience anything from Every month, sensitivity, dryness, or redness, to Psychologies Acting Beauty & Wellbeing blotchy dull skin and more proEditor ponders the nounced lines. These are the result best beauty buys. of stress signals secreted by the brain causing the release of hormones to ght the symptoms. I stockpile Alpha-H Clear Skin Blemish Control Gel, 15/20ml (, an intensive spot treatment that can be worn under or over make-up, and have been testing Lancme DreamTone, 69 (, and stress-targeting Kiehls Skin Rescuer, 29.50 (, with pleasing results. The former, a serum developed after extensive studies on how skin shades behave, corrects pigmentation while targeting the specic characteristics of your skin colour. The latter utilises the anti-inammatory properties of Rosa Gallica extract, Mannose sugar, olive-derived squalane and a blend of lipids to strengthen the skin barrier. Shiseido IBUKI, from 23 (, meanwhile, is a stressbusting skincare range designed for women in their twenties and thirties who work hard and play harder. You might assume that as a beauty editor I religiously buf, oil and spritz. In fact, because Im always on the go, I give body moisturising a miss more times than Id like to admit. Im not alone according to Nivea, 55 per cent of us forget about the bits below the neck. Nivea In-shower Body Moisturiser, 3.50/250ml (nationwide), works wonders on fraught skin and wired individuals and is based on the same principle as hair washing you cleanse then condition with the moisturiser. And if your skin is feeling especially dry, scaly and tight Eucerin AutoControl Body Care Lotion, 16/250ml (nationwide), is just the ticket.

3 4

Relaxing rituals
Unwind as these stress-xers work their magic
1 Morgan Taylor Nail Lacquer, 10.50 ( Try a pleasantly diverting DIY mani/pedi with these professional standard polishes that come in striking bold berries, smoky greys and calming lilacs. 2 Jo Malone Peony & Blush Suede Cologne, from 39/ 30ml ( The crisp bite of apple combined with soft almond notes gives way to a oral heart of peony that works in harmony with the sensual suede accord. 3 Elizabeth Arden Beautiful Colour Lipsticks, 19.50 (nationwide). Moisture-binding technology tackles any stress-induced dryness, and there is a great array of mood-boosting colours available. 4 Fresh Creme Ancienne Ultimate Nourishing Honey Mask, 89/100ml (020 7486 4100). This restorative honey-based mask contains detoxifying echinacea, nourishing sea buckthorn oil and shea butter enveloping the skin with a moisture-preserving veil. 5 LOccitane Lotion Divine, 33/200ml ( Boasting the ability to speed up cellular renewal, this mineral-rich uid should help your anti-stress products penetrate more deeply.



body & mind beauty

Now in their third year, our awards celebrate condence-boosting cosmetics, ethical business practice and beauty icons that embody our positive beauty ethos. Both industry experts and readers have voted and we are ready to reveal the products that truly passed the test



Lena Korres, co-founder of Korres; George Northwood, celebrity hair stylist; Rebecca Hopkins,
co-founder and director of Balance Me; Sarah Chapman, skin technician and founder of Skinesis; Debbie Thomas, facialist; Fiona Brackenbury, Declor head of training and education; Jo Fairley, former beauty editor and co-founder of The Beauty Bible;Azzi Glasser, perfumer and INA Crystals co-founder; Marie Reynolds, facialist; Sunita Passi, Ayurvedic founder of Tri-Dosha; Dr Nick Lowe, consultant dermatologist; Dr Stefanie Williams, cosmetic dermatologist; Emma Hardie, facialist and founder of Emma Hardie Amazing Face skincare; Abigail James, facialist; Geraldine Howard, co-founder of Aromatherapy Associates; Jenni Draper, nail artist; Philip Kingsley, trichologist; Nicky Kinnaird, founder of Space NK; Dr Lamees Hamdan, founder of Shifa; James Read, tanning expert; Georgia Louise, facialist and founder of Georgia Louise skincare; Imelda Burke, founder of Content Beauty & Wellbeing; Millie Kendall, co-founder of BeautyMart; Mary Greenwell, make-up artist; Dr Nigma Talib, naturopathic doctor; Dr Pauline Hili, founder of Natural Products Factory; Beata Aleksandrowicz, founder of Pure Massage; Margo Marrone, co-founder of The Organic Pharmacy; Nahid de Belgeonne, founder of Good Vibes; Annee de Mamiel, facial acupuncturist and founder of de Mamiel Skincare; Georgie Cleeve, founder of Oskia skincare; Dr Simon Jackson, pharmacognosist and founder of Dr Jacksons Natural Products; Adam Slee, manicurist; Catherine Turner, acting beauty & wellbeing director; Amerley Ollennu, acting beauty & wellbeing editor.


Shampoo and Conditioner
WINNER: Ojon Dry Recovery Hydrating Shampoo, 18/250ml and Conditioner, 19.50/250ml (0870 034 2454). Thick, unruly hair is transformed by this duo. The shampoo thoroughly cleanses without drying, and the conditioner is rich in shea butter and jojoba oils that deeply condition and boost shine. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Shu Uemura Art of Hair Muroto Volume Pure Lightness Shampoo and Conditioner, 24/300ml and 32/300ml (

Styling Product Treatment Product

JOINT WINNER: Percy & Reed Reassuringly Firm Session Hold Hairspray, 12/250ml ( This coats hair in an ultrane mist to tame frizz with none of the crispiness rm hold sprays can create. JOINT WINNER: Bumble and bumble Surf Spray, 21.50/125ml (bumbleand For believable beach waves, this saltinfused styling spray is a must-have. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Aveda Pure Abundance StylePrep, 19.50/100ml ( WINNER: Philip Kingsley Elasticizer, 54.50/500ml ( Our panel agree this is the best pre-shampoo deep-conditioning treatment you can buy. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Phyto 7 Hydrating Day Cream, 13.50/50ml (


Margaret Dabbs Medical Pedicure, from 80 (, combines podiatrist know-how with a beauty aesthetic. Dead, dry and calloused skin is expertly removed. Nails are then rehydrated, shaped and bufed to perfection. Aveda Stress Fix Manicure, 46 and Pedicure, 50 (salons nationwide,, uses the French lavender-infused Stress Fix range to soothe your hands and feet. Expect hot towels and the skilled massage techniques that are synonymous with an Aveda treatment. Shu Uemura Art of Hair Beauty Ceremonies, from 15 (nationwide). Concentrated oils and unique Depsea Water cream bases are used to create bespoke blends to soothe the scalp and nourish hair alongside Shiatsu-inspired scalp and upper-body massage. A sensorial experience, way beyond the average wash and blow-dry. >>>



body & mind beauty
WINNER: Elemis TriEnzyme Resurfacing Facial Wash, 29 (timetospa. This cleanses deeply while gently removing dead cells to reveal noticeably smoother and more radiant skin. HIGHLY COMMENDED: The Organic Pharmacy Carrot Butter Cleanser, 34.96/75ml (theorganic


Eye Product
WINNER: Elizabeth Arden PREVAGE Eye Ultra Protection Anti-Aging Eye Moisturizer SPF15, 85 (nationwide). The intense moisture boost, SPF protection, rming capabilities and visible results makes this a favourite. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Este Lauder Advanced Night Repair Eye Serum Infusion, 45/15ml (

WINNER: Neals Yard Rejuvenating Frankincense Facial Serum, 42.50/30ml ( Naturals such as antioxidant-rich blueberry oil and beautifully scented frankincense work to rm and protect the face and neck with lasting results. HIGHLY COMMENDED: SkinCeuticals Redness Neutralizer, 70/50ml (

WINNER: Crme de la Mer Moisturizing Soft Cream, 105/30ml ( With all the skin-boosting marine ingredients of its cult big sister, but in a lighter jelly cream more suited to sensitive and oily skins. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Nivea Q10 Plus Anti-Wrinkle Energising Day Cream, 11.08 (nationwide).



4 Great Skin-Reviving Facials


Harper Collagen Boosting Facial, from 45 for 30 minutes (, involves a thorough skin MOT plus a holistic tune-up, to rebalance and reboot.

Recherche Soin Lissant Facial, 250 for 90 minutes (efmedispa. com) has a novel chilly sensation but results are impressive perfectly hydrated, calm skin.


WINNER: Sisley Black Rose Cream Mask, 93 (020 7591 6380). This mask transforms a drawn complexion into one that is rm, radiant and dewy. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Georgia Louise Sleeping Beauty Oil, 68/30ml (

Debbie Thomas SkinCeuticals Delicate Skin Repair and Strengthening Treatment, from 130 for 60 minutes (0800 028 2331), bolsters and calms even the most sensitised skin.

Clarins Triactive Facial The Radiance Reviver, 65 for 80 minutes (, uses the salon-only Clarins Pro line and leaves tired and stressed skins revived, toned and rested.


WINNER: Kiehls Creme de Corps, from 8.50/75ml ( This moisturiser packed with nourishing cocoa butter, aloe vera and vegetable oils leaves your body soft and supple. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Aromatherapy Associates Support Supersensitive Massage & Body Oil, 40/100ml (

Treatment Product
WINNER: Caudalie Divine Scrub, 21.50/150g (caudalie. com). This brown sugar scrub enriched with grape, hibiscus, argan and sesame oil does a wonderful job of bufng away dead skin cells leaving only soft, smooth skin behind. HIGHLY COMMENDED: INA Crystals White Gold Detoxifying Crystal Salts, 47 (

Bath Product
WINNER: Neom Organic Tranquillity Bath Foam, 20/200ml (neomorganics. com). The SLS-free formula is kind to delicate skins and pure essential oils nourish the body, while the basil and jasmine scent relaxes the mind. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Dr. Hauschka Lavender Bath, 18.25/150ml (

Tanning Product Hair Removal Product

WINNER: Gillette Venus & Olay Razor, 10.99 (nationwide). Spring-mounted blades glide over bumps and curves, while attached moisturising bars soothe skin. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Veet Warm Wax Jar Essential Oils, 9.89/250ml ( WINNER: Garnier Ambre Solaire No Streaks Bronzer Dry Body Mist, 11.69/150ml (nationwide). The 360-degree mist applicator and quick-dry formula makes achieving a natural-looking, sun-kissed glow foolproof. HIGHLY COMMENDED: James Read BB Gradual Tan Face, 22.50/25ml (


3 Brilliant Body Boosting Treatments

Aromatherapy Associates Clear Your Mind Body Treatment, from 50 for 1 hour (aromatherapy, calms mind and body using uplifting camomile, petitgrain and rosemary massage oils. Darphin Daydream Ultracomfort Body Treatment, 60 (, is a unique experience in which you lie on your side in a foetal position as a therapist exfoliates and massages your body. Jojoba oil rehydrates skin, while the Nourishing and Firming Velvet Cream increases elasticity. Then a Shea Butter mask cocoons the body in a layer of moisture; ending with a nourishing oil to ensure skin stays supple. Thalgo Indocane Spa Ritual, from 75 (nationwide). This begins with a Mediterranean sea salt and sugar scrub to polish the body, readying it for a milk bath inspired by Egyptian tradition. A re-energising 45-minute Ayurvedic massage is next, then a Chinese silk sheet wrap leaves skin soft and utterly revived.


Hand & Nail Product

WINNER: Sarah Chapman Skinesis Overnight Hand and Nail Treatment, 35 ( This silky serum uses collagen boosters and plant extracts for intense moisture while you sleep. HIGHLY COMMENDED: LOccitane Shea Butter Hand Cream, 19/150ml (



body & mind beauty


WINNER: Lancme Hypnse Custom-Wear Volume Mascara, 22 ( Be it a natural boost or a glamorous doe-eyed efect youre going for, this does it all. The no-ake formula and specially designed brush make this the failsafe way to build the lash look you want. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Dior Diorshow Mascara, 23 (

WINNER: MAC Eyeshadow, 12.50 ( worthy winner for the second year in a row, this never fails to impress. Available in soft neutrals and bold brights, its a make-up kit essential. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Clinique Chubby Stick Shadow Tint For Eyes, 17 (

WINNER: Chanel Perfection Lumire Long-Wear Flawless Fluid Makeup, 36 (020 7493 3836). Matt yet natural, this velvety foundation really does stay put for more than 10 hours. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Bobbi Brown Extra SPF 25 Tinted Moisturizing Balm, 35/30ml (bobbibrown. >>>

WINNER: Tom Ford Lip Color, 36 (0870 034 2566). This creamy texture glides on with ease to deliver a polished pop of colour, in an array of spot-on shades, all in ber-chic packaging. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Bobbi Brown Creamy Matte Lip Color, 19 (

CC or BB product
WINNER: REN Satin Perfection BB Cream, 26/50ml ( Proving that the BB hype is deserved; this glides seamlessly over skin for a smooth, awless nish. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Dior Diorskin Nude BB Crme, 30 (

WINNER: Benet Fine-one-one, 23.50 (benetcosmetics. Our experts adore this cream blush. The fusion of champagne and coral tones highlights cheeks for a rosy glow. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Nars Blush, 21.50 (



body & mind beauty



Geraldine Howard, co-founder of Aromatherapy Associates
Big in beauty since 1985, Howard now champions afordable, quality plant-based products in a new arena with the arrival of her Aroma Actives range in Sainsburys next month
Are oils good for all skin types?

Yes. Vegetable oils (not mineral or petroleum-based) are the closest thing to skins natural oil, sebum. Mixed with essential oils such as ylang ylang and lavender, they can help to balance out an oily skin. Rose is great for any skin as it improves blood capillary circulation, leaving it radiant.
How do they work with our emotions?

Oils have a dynamic efect on the brain when you massage any part of the body. For example, rose, which we used in our new Rose Innity Collection, is euphoric and helps the body unwind, which in turn creates a heightened state of relaxation.
Whats your favourite tip for great skin?

Intelligent Nutrients

Layer products (serum, oil, cream) to treat both face and body. Serum hydrates, oil nourishes and cream gives protection. If you have all three products, you can adapt your daily skincare regime according to climate changes and your lifestyle.
What are your must-have beauty products?


You may not yet have heard of Intelligent Nutrients, a relative newcomer to the beauty scene, but our expert panel is already hooked on the luxurious 100 per cent natural line. You will know the work of its creator, Horst Rechelbacher, the original founder of last years winner, Aveda. Not only a beauty visionary, Rechelbacher is an active environmentalist: author of the book Minding Your Business , (Earth Aware Editions, 14.99) about eco-aware business practice and a co-founder of Business for Social Responsibility, now a global organisation promoting sustainability. Horst lives on a solar, wind and geothermic-powered organic farm in Wisconsin, where he grows his plant ingredients for Intelligent Nutrients, and his mantra for the brand is everything we put on our bodies must be nutritious and safe . Having received the prestigious Rachel Carson* Award for Lifetime Commitment to Environmental Ethics and Integrity in 2007, we can rely on him to lead the way in greening up the beauty industry.
* Rachel Carson is author of Silent Spring, the book credited with launching the environmental movement in the US

Our Rose Body Oil and our Fine Line Face Oil, Overnight Repair Face Mask, and Soothing Cleansing Balm. If I was only allowed one skincare product, it would be a vegetable oil blended with rose essential oil. I love Chanel mascara and blusher, and Laura Mercier eyeshadow. I use Moroccan Oil and John Frieda Deep Conditioning Mask to keep my hair shiny and full of volume.
Who is your beauty icon?

French aromatherapist Micheline Arcier. She was the most incredible mentor: I wouldnt be where I am today without her.
What are the secrets to ageing gracefully?

Im not a fan of invasive treatments, but I rate machine-based facials to give a gentle lift. Eat healthily, exercise regularly and look after your skin. Make the most of every day, enjoy what you do, and however tired you are, nd time to laugh and smile.


Acting beauty & wellbeing director


am not a big fan of the term anti-ageing (its inevitable well age, after all), but, as I hurtle towards 50, Im glad we have the skincare technology to make us look younger, glowier and healthier. Serums are the most efective way to get active ingredients into skin. I really love May Lindstrom The Youth Dew, 90 (, and Clarins Double Serum, 55 (, which use the power of essential oils. On the new-science side of things, Lancme Genique Activating Concentrate, 58 (, incorporates the latest ndings on genes and proteins, and YSL Forever Youth Liberator Serum-in-Creme, 150(, is a super-charged hydrator both deliver smooth, less lined skin. Its also been the year of intelligent creams that multi-task and adapt, for example, Origins Smarty Plants CC SPF20, 28 ( its natural ingredients switch on with exposure to UV and environmental pollutants, plus adapting pigments give a hint of colour. Chanel Le Jour, La Nuit, Le Weekend, from 60 (020 7493 3836) seem pared down, but are packed with naturals and trusted derm-standard ingredients (such as glycolic acid). I am currently addicted to the renewing properties of Le Weekend. Meanwhile, nding a great eye cream is surely the holy grail of beauty these two are above and beyond any others Ive tried: Sisley Suprema Eye At Night, 175 (020 7591 6380), expensive but super impressive on rming, and our Best For Skin Condence runner-up Este Lauder Advanced Night Repair Eye Serum Infusion, 45 (, which noticeably softens laughter lines in days. Special mention goes to Aesop Parsley Seed Anti-Oxidant Hydrator, 43 (, my current favourite daily moisturiser.


New perfume
WINNER: Dries Van Noten par Frederic Malle, 115/50ml (liberty. Monsieur Malle is the fragrance afcionados favourite, collaborating with the worlds best this time, designer Van Noten and perfumer Bruno Jovanovic. This hint of hippy woody oriental has the softness of sandalwood and vanilla, earthiness of patchouli and sweet spiciness of safron and nutmeg. Its delicate, captivating and sensual. HIGHLY COMMENDED: See by Chlo, 49/50ml (nationwide). This addictive oral is elegant, energetic and feminine. Sparkling apple blossom and soft citrusy bergamot contrast with jasmine, all held together with the warmth of sandalwood and adding up to an unusual take on ower power that stands out from the crowd.


Classic perfume
WINNER: Chanel No 19 Eau de Toilette, from 55/50ml (020 7493 3836). Originally launched in the early 1970s on the crest of the second wave of feminism (think Lauren Hutton and ared trouser suits in the boardroom), this landmark green scent has been accused of being cold, but pay more attention to its hidden depths of white owers, dusty iris, crisp leaness and warm vetiver and youll discover why this is a winner. HIGHLY COMMENDED: Jo Malone Lime, Basil & Mandarin Cologne, 78/100ml ( Fresh on the wave of watery orals in the early 1990s came this ber-wearable, no-fragrance fragrance. This has the airy quality of a cologne with zest of citrus lime, grapefruit and mandarin, alongside a punch of herbal basil freshness. >>>



body & mind beauty
Acting beauty & wellbeing editor



he tools that ensure frizz-free hair, blooming complexions and glowing bodies are the industrys unsung heroes. I use the Clarisonic Plus, 179 (, massage brush in the shower to encourage smooth skin, then ick on the face setting to supercharge my morning and evening cleanse, as it massages away dirt and make-up, reduces pore size and improves skin tone. I follow this with Crystal Clear Lift Away The Years, 59.99 (, a vibrating sonic technologypowered wand with built-in serum to boost circulation, plump and rm the face. With make-up, Im a brush over ngers fan. Synthetic brushes distribute creams and liquids more efectively than natural hairs, making Illamasqua Highlighter Brush, 24.50 (, Benet Foundation Brush, 19.50 ( and Revlon Foundation Brush, 8.99 ( my favourites. For lightweight powder application, I use Mac Duo Fibre Brush 187, 33.50, on my T-zone, and the Tapered Blending Brush 224, 22.50 (, around my eye area. Clinique Eye Shader Brush, 14 (clinique., and Bobbi Brown Ultra Fine Eyeliner Brush, 22 (, are my other eyeshadow brushes of choice. For easier blush application and contouring, Chantecaille Cheek Brush, 53 (, is a winner, and Laura Mercier Tweezers, 18.50 (, have kept my brows in shape between threading for the past decade. I dont know what Id do without a Tangle Teezer brush, 10.99 (boots. com), John Frieda Salon Shine AC Dryer, 59.99 (, ghd eclipse, 195 (ghdhair. com), and Sleep-In Rollers, 17.95 (sleepinrollers. com). I discovered my nal tool this summer and plan use it weekly in winter, too: MICRO Pedi, 39.95 (, provides professional pedicure results, bufng dry, hard soles or heels with a 360-degree, sandpaper-like roller.


Bobbi Brown
Bobbi Brown started out in the US as an editorial make-up artist in the 1980s, working with some of the worlds best photographers including Patrick Demarchelier and Bruce Weber. She was one of the rst to bring professional quality cosmetics to consumers with a unique understanding of the every-day make-up needs of women. Her rst collection of sell-out nude lipsticks nailed the early 1990s no make-up look, followed by groundbreaking yellowtoned foundations that made orange tide marks a thing of the past. Now a global brand with Este Lauder Companies, Bobbi continues to pioneer not only with products, but by sharing beauty wisdom through teaching, books and at Fed up with the over lled/Botoxed look, she launched her Pretty Powerful Campaign in 2010 to demonstrate the transformational power of make-up on real women and continues with a special Pretty Powerful Campaign for Women and Girls to celebrate International Womens Day on 8 March next year. Power to you, Bobbi, we love you! (



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beauty & living positive beauty


utumn has always been my favourite time of the year even more so than summer. Its that back-to-school excitement, only these days Ive traded art crayons for eye pencils, grey wool socks for Wolford opaques, and a satchel for a smart tote. Of those, make-up surely ofers the fastest, easiest and Jo Fairley cheapest way to update a look for the season. is co-author of the I like to pick out a few items that will change best-selling Beauty how I feel about what Ive got, just as Ill buy a Bible series of books and co-founder of new scarf and some of the tights du jour to Green & Blacks. accessorise what I already own. The following will all be making the cut this season. My nod to the red lip trend: a rich tone that I can always blot to a attering berry stain, Chanel Rouge Allure Luminous Intense Lip Colour in nigmatique, 25 (020 7493 3836), ticks that particular box. For wearing on its own, or layering onto lipstick for extra glamour: Guerlain Gloss DEnfer in Madame Flirte, 22 (, which I might have bought for the name alone, leaving aside the glorious sparkling red shade of this almost syrupy gloss. A red polish, too, as, happily, we seem to be saying goodbye to taupe or putty nails, which might look great on darker skin tones, but made my hands appear cadaverous: Essie Twin Sweater Set Nail Polish, 7.99 (boots. com), strikes me as the perfect pillar-box shade, with its super-shiny nish. Plus Liz Earles Strengthening Nail Colour in Old Velvet, 7.50 (, as my red-black alternative nail colour being my absolute favourite way to show that the nger is literally on the pulse. Im embracing the ladylike trend, rather than the grungy alternative look and a light shade of Clinique Moisture Surge CC Cream SPF30 Hydrating Colour Corrector, 28/40ml (, will even out my skin tone without looking too done. For days when a little more coverage is required, theres the compact, easy-to-blend Laura Mercier Smooth Finish Foundation Powder, 32 ( Not forgetting a sweep of all-important colour to cheeks a pop of Bobbi Brown Blush in limited edition Berry, 19 (, is powdery soft and just enough. It may have been a catwalk trend to go blusher-free, but its about tailoring trends, not being slavish. And something else thats denitely on my to-do list at this start of term: to book in for a tutorial and makeover at a couple of beauty counters truly the best way to nd out what autumns colours have to ofer me, personally. Because no matter how long ago you left school, its never too late to learn.

Beauty school

photoGraph: pixelate styled By amerley ollennu, Jo Fairley

It may have been a catwalk trend to go blusher-free, but its about tailoring trends, not being slavish

OctOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


istying stress you in knots?

Today's lifestyles are demanding, and one of the things they demand most is the mineral magnesium, which allows the nervous system to function properly and the muscles to relax. Magnesium is available in healthy foods such as wholegrains, dried fruit, green leafy vegetables and nuts, however there are times when your diet can lack the goodness needed and be deficient in magnesium. If you are feeling irritable and snappy, with knots in your shoulders and tension stiffening your neck, bump up your magnesium and lose those knots. Floradix Magnesium contains highly absorbable magnesium in a delicious herbal formula which could make the difference to your nerves - unlock the knots and survive the stress.
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Psychologies Oct 13


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beauty & living wellbeing


hen I was in my twenties, I would barely notice the seasons changing. My routine centered around a deadline-fuelled, full-time job on a magazine, and shopping for newseason layers was the only concesCATHERINE sion that Id make to winter. As Ive TURNER has 28 years experience as become more health-conscious, a health and beauty I realise that the arrival of darker journalist. She is also nights and dropping temperatures an alternative health has a profound efect. Theres a defguru and holistic inite sense of closing in, though not beauty expert. necessarily in a gloom-and-doom way, as usually I feel energised from being more active and outdoorsy over the summer. This chimes with Ayurvedic thinking; in the ancient Indian system of medicine, the seasons are thought to align with its characteristic categories. Winter is seen as Vata cold temperatures, blustery winds and dry air align with the Vata body tendencies of cold hands and feet, dry skin, fast movements and a quick mind, ofering an explanation for feeling restless or a little anxious at this time. To counteract this, a Vata balancing diet of warm, freshly cooked foods, avoiding dry raw fruits and vegetables, is recommended. Which makes perfect sense embarking on a spartan raw food detox regime would seem odd now. Instead of fruit salad, what could be more comforting than a seasonal compote of apples and blackberries sweetened with a little agave syrup and served warm? The abundance of parsnips, pumpkin, butternut squash and beets inspires hot soups and roasted veg instead of salads. And warming drinks are on the Vata menu too: plain hot water instead of cold, or ginger tea made with fresh slices of root ginger. Ill also be adding steaming hot chocolate to that list. Although the Ayurvedic way of rising with the sun and going to bed as it sets is less feasible, hibernating a little with an earlier bed time suits me. And I love the excuse to embrace darker mornings and evenings by practising yoga or meditation by candlelight.

Brace yourself

Nurture me
Feel-good buys to keep you going through autumn
1 Nadia Narain Light Candle, 28 (nadianarain. com), is a warming and inspiring combination of orange, clove and cinnamon oils perfect for shorter days. 2 Pukka Vitalise, 1.90 (, is a health kick in a sachet full of greens, beetroot and power-berries. Add to your smoothie for energy on cooler mornings. 3 Aesop Shine, 23 (aesop. com). A few drops of this lightweight oil transforms damaged hair into lustrous locks with a woodsy, slightly hippy scent of ylang-ylang, petitgrain and patchouli. 4 Balance Me Tinted Lip Salve, 12 ( uk), has softening coconut oil and mango plus a hint of colour and a citrusy smell. 5 H Gillerman Organics Pure Breathing Sinus Remedy, 36 ( A deep inhale of this pure oil blend of eucalyptus, lavender and lemons instantly eases that snufy wintry feeling. 6 REN Moroccan Rose Otto Firming Crme, 36 ( Cocoon yourself in this luxurious cream rose is said to have mild antidepressant and sedative qualities.

2 3

4 5 6



Look out for Nelsons Arnicare arnica kids stick in larger Boots stores, Tesco, Amazon & all good independent retailers.

beauty & living wellbeing

THIS is the month to...

Get in the habit of breakfast

While we know it makes sense to eat rst thing, a recent Harvard study, published in Circulation, the American Heart Association journal*, shows skipping breakfast can lead to a 27 per cent higher chance of coronary heart disease. Prolonged fasting puts stress on the body, and, over time, can increase blood concentrations of insulin, disrupt the balance of fatty acids and lead to blood pressure problems; all risk factors in heart disease. The study looked at older men, but researchers already predict the same will apply to women. In one report, it was thought that women might even be at higher risk. All the more reason to start the day with a heart-healthy bowl of porridge.

WORDS: cATheRine TURneR. phOTOGRAph: GennA nAccAche/TAxi/GeTTY imAGeS * ScienceDAilY.cOm/ReleASeS/2013/07/130722202818.hTm

Roll with it

Yamuna Body Rolling started in the US and is catching on here as a quick way to improve exibility and sculpt your body. The method, which involves rolling on various sized exible balls, is named after its founder, Yamuna Zake, who invented it as a way to stay supple and mobile as she ages. At classes, you learn how to work through the body youre rolling into every tiny ligament and muscle it feels like a massage, stretch and exercise class in one. After just one session, we felt blood rushing to parts we never knew we had in a good way. Go to yamunabodyrolling. com for UK practitioners.

double up

Its estimated that up to 90 per cent of back pain is non-specic back pain which varies with posture, activity, time and treatment. Clients often complain of worsening symptoms at this time of year, says physiotherapist Paul Hobrough of the Simplyhealth Advisory Research Panel. The simplest way to avoid this is to double your movements during the day. When you get out of a chair, or use stairs, do it twice. Try doing lunges in the lift, and standing on one leg when brushing teeth. Chronic back pain leads to the pain receptor area in the brain getting larger, which medication masks. We can bring it back to normal with CBT, alongside yoga, pilates, physio, massage, strength and conditioning a 360degree approach. Self-massage can help too, so we tested two new gadgets. The Scholl I-pop Hand Held Massager, 14.99 (, has infrared for heated pain reduction as well as vibration to soften muscles, and is ideal for use on the neck and shoulder area. The Back Nodger, 29 (, has an ergonomic curved shape and a cantilever efect, with a precision tip to reach niggling knots, and will reach down your spine.

OCTOber 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


beauty & living wellbeing

Just keep moving

Learning the science of habit formation and creating a new and realistic belief system helped Suzy Greaves go from stressed-out mess to blissed-out runner

hen two drops of blood fell across my to-do list, I knew something had to change. It was a particularly stressful time last spring, I had bitten my nails down to the quick and now they were bleeding literally dripping onto the list of 157 things to be done that morning. I was in a constant state of ght or ight I didnt know what to do or where to run. Thats exactly what you need to do. Run, said my fit friend Katy. Burn off adrenalin, get some space, get some feel-good endorphins ooding through your veins. My rst response was how am I going to nd time to do that? My second was I cant run. Dont be ridiculous, said Katy. You just put one foot in front of the other and run for a minute, walk for a minute. Anyone can run, even you. I think it was the even you that motivated me to dust of a shiny pair of trainers I had bought back when my son was two, in a vague attempt to lose my baby weight. Hes now 10. As per advised, I set of at a brisk walk but even that turned me an odd shade of blue in minutes. I was unt, and I could feel my thighs wobbling nervously at every step. Feel-good endorphins?

Dont be ridiculous. Anyone can run, even you

I cried when I got home. There would now be sweat and tears as well as blood dripping on my to-do list. I lay on the living room oor, wailing. There I was, a sweaty mess, eying a brown stain on the ceiling from a water leak that I hadnt had a chance to paint over. I hadnt had the easiest of times recently from a family illness, to the hangover of divorce paperwork to a house move, Id been facing some big changes. I needed to pick myself up off the oor literally and metaphorically. I decided I wasnt going to let it beat me. I was going to make running the metaphor for the new journey I was to embark on. There were mountains of research that showed running would help me sleep better, live longer, feel less stressed and maybe nally help me lose a bit of that weight after 10 years. I just had to nd a way to motivate myself. I pinned Laozis famous quotation A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step on my bathroom mirror, created a training schedule and signed up to my rst 10k race. And then did nothing. Well, I did read a book.I devouredPulitzer Prize-winning reporterCharles >>>
Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOber 2013




Duhiggs The Power Of Habit (Random House Books, 8.99).I learnt that if youre going to create a new habit, its not enough to make a decision, you must also build in a reward.A habit is a decision you make at one point, he says. You stop making the decision, but you continue the behaviour and it becomes automatic. I was inspired by a study from Germany, in which a group of people rewarded their new daily walking routine with a small piece of chocolate. After several weeks, they didnt get or need the chocolate any more but they kept walking, as they had formed a habit.

Training your brain

Week two, and I tried to bribe myself with bars of chocolate. But even the promise of that wasnt enough to get me pounding the streets consistently.Thats because there are three elements to any habit change, according to Duhigg, and reward comes last. A raft of research showsautomatic behaviour is triggered by some kind of cue, be it sound (the theme tune to The Archers means its tea and biscuit time), smell (you wake up and smell the cofee and make a cup) or an emotion (you see your ex/ boss/frenemy and reach for the biggest doughnut you can nd). The goal is to train your brain to associate a certain cue (its ve oclock) with a routine (three miles down) and a reward (chocolate), says Duhigg. Eventually, your brain will start expecting the reward inherent in exercise (Its ve oclock. Three miles down! Endorphin rush!) and you wont need the chocolate. In fact, you wont even want it. But until your neurology learns to enjoy those endorphins and the other rewards inherent in exercise, you need to jump-start the process. Im a big fan of cheesy 1980s lms so my cue came in the form of the theme tune from Rocky as an alarm on my mobile. I created a 20-minute playlist to listen to while I ran round the park. From Irene Caras classic Flashdance to St Elmos Fire (I can climb the highest mountain), I was the woman in headphones doing the strange leap in the air when I got to the tree at the top of the hill. Its amazing how fast you can run when a chilled bar of chocolate is waiting for you in the fridge. Two months later, I completed my rst 10k in 63 minutes. I was rather purple-faced but I did it. From blue to beetroot in eight weeks progress.

I completed my rst 10k in 63 minutes. I was rather purple-faced but I did it

photographs: masterfile

Even with my legwarmer soundtrack and new habit-forming knowledge, I was still nding the routine challenging and it was at this point that I noticed another soundtrack in my head. Surely its not meant to be this hard, was my constant refrain to the beetroot-faced woman staring back at me in the mirror. Im a fairly positive, glass-half-full kind of person. Ive always told myself change is easy and if you put your mind to it, anything is possible. But in the midst of a cluster of major life events of being single after 20 years in a relationship, of creating a new home for my son and myself, of supporting my family through life-threatening illness the truth was I hadnt found change that easy at all. Perhaps that change is easy belief was causing the blood, sweat and tears. Id faced some major life upheavals and had expected myself to glide through them. Id cut myself no slack. My to-do list just got longer and more punishing when inside all I wanted to do was curl up and hide. It was exactly because I found running so hard at first that it gave me permission to admit that change was extremely tricky to negotiate. Add that to the many scientific studies fromDuhiggs book that showed that any kind of behaviour change was going to take time, and much gritting of the teeth, and I suddenly forgave myself for not being able to run Chariots Of Fire-style around the park by the end of week one. Running taught me in a physical, measurable way that it takes baby steps, time and efort to create serious change in your life.My positive attitude that generallyhad served me well denitelyneeded a tweak,a realism makeover. The weepingand wailingand gnashingof teeth at the beginning of the journey stemmed from a fear that I wouldnt be able to cope in this challenging new era of my life. But in fact, running taught me that I could.I just needed to learn some new skills, andsomegentler methodsand modesof thinking. Thescience of habit formation was a revelation why arent wetaught this stuf in school? And it has been the cue for me to nd a kinder, less punishing method to live my whole life by. One that involves chocolate bars and a soundtrack by Irene Cara.
Psychologies editor Suzy Greaves completed the London Marathon in April 2013. She is running the Great North Run ( on 15September for the cancer care centre provider, Maggies Charity (

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


beauty & living home

My World

Aruna Seth
idden behind a heavy folding door in 31-year-old Aruna Seths west London at is this wardrobe of jewel-encrusted heels. She has designed each pair herself. Following in the footsteps of her father, Geof Seth who made his name creating the Ascot trainer Aruna can feel creativity in her blood and says her footwear designs began when I was a baby, a vision that has now been realised in a concession at Harrods, as well as several personal appointment showrooms worldwide. As a result, travel is a frequent obligation, so its no surprise that at her London abode Arunas made sure to create an opulent impression that matches her designs, but with the cosy, homely feel that you can only truly enjoy in your own place. Its the objects shes picked up in far-ung destinations that make it home, that speak to her most, and that work to create a link between the two parts of her life. Thai bazaars, Venetian streets, New York architecture: its the palette that she paints from, she says I take inspiration from everything I see how can you not? Sometimes Im totally saturated by it And so, although living out of a suitcase is second nature, its in her tranquil bedroom that Aruna feels most at home. Theres nothing like coming back and feeling your head on your own pillow, she says. Its denitely where I feel safest.

The British shoe designer talks us through her most treasured possessions INTERVIEW samantha wood phoTogRaphy laura mccluskey

Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013
I love to pick up things from countries Ive visited as a reminder of when I was there. In a frantic 25 minutes to myself in Chiang Mai, Thailand, I saw this pair of silver ducks and knew I had to have them, though they were very heavy to carry back! An even larger one rst caught my eye, but I think he would have been impossible to actually get home. One day Ill go back for him... Im not particularly religious, nor is my family, but when I moved in to my at, I was given about four of these from diferent people; this one was from my dad. Its Ganesha, the Hindu god. Apparently, hes a popular gure for when you move into a new place, as hes meant to watch over you and protect it from evil. I have him sitting on a shelf next to my bed. Im not sure if hes working his magic, but I certainly feel safest in my bedroom and touch wood I havent been burgled yet, so maybe he is looking out for me!

My friend Darah Hun painted this for me. We spend a lot of time together when Im at home in London; Id call her the best friend I have here. Shes actually an architect but paints in her spare time and turned up on my doorstep one day with this under her arm! The buttery is my main logo, something thats really special to me, and shes managed to create it out of a pair of shoes, which I thought was brilliant. Ever since I was tiny, Ive loved butteries. To me, they promise freedom and new beginnings, so it always felt like a natural progression that they should become a part of my work. I bought this necklace recently in Turkey. Id run out to the local bazaar to soak up some of the atmosphere its such an insanely creative place and when I saw this, it felt like I really needed to have it as a reminder of that moment. Its also got the Turkish evil eye worked into it, to keep bad spirits away. Ive barely taken it of since I got home.

Im extremely close to my mother, but as I am out of the country so much, it can be hard for us to spend quality time together. Last year for her birthday, we had a few days away on our own in the south of France. I think Dad feels like he is missing out when we go away on our own, but we just took some time to eat, shop and catch up! While we were there, we visited lots of perfumeries, which is something that we love to do, and Mum bought me this Lalique perfume she has the same one. Just the smell of it takes me instantly back to those special few days away with her.

I saw this dressing table some time ago in New York and was struck by how beautiful it was and having just moved into my at felt that practically it would be ideal for my bedroom. I bought it, thinking that having it shipped would be straightforward, but no. It took more than six months to arrive. I dont know what happened to it in-between, but I was told it spent quite a bit of time making its way through Holland. I like that about it imagining the places it has been, making its way to me. Its acquired a mystique that it wouldnt have had if Id just picked it up from a furniture store in London.

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


beauty & living home

Who says you cant draw on the walls? A new book by Ashlyn Gibson invites you to bring out the child within

Playing house


WorldMags.netPsychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOBER 2013

Room to grow: create a little space for yourself and make it your own



Anything goes: Play with colour, texture and fabrics (cat optional)

beauty & living home

Of the wall: why not make a mood board of your wall? (left)

hether your home is child-lled or childfree, theres a huge benet in bringing out the creativity of the child inside, or the children around you, when creating a home. Why not draw on the walls? Create a hidden nook to use as a quiet place to dream, or write in your journal? Install a rubber floor, child and foot friendly Dalsouple ( is a good source to bounce around on? Or hark back to your teen years and stick old-school Polaroids, gig tickets and other memorabilia around a mirror? In Ashlyn Gibsons new book, Creative Family Home

(Ryland Peters & Small, 19.99), she reveals family homes full of ideas likes these. If youre in a rented property, use masking tape and blank paper to create frames to fill with colourful cuttings or quotes think of it as an ever-changing, real-life Pinterest board. Reinvent a bedspread as a tablecloth or throw that lace tablecloth on the sofa. Hang a group of colourful paper lanterns from your ceiling, instead of just one. Use odd ledges, door frames and windowsills to display cherished items. Think about what your childhood self would do if let loose on her living space, and dont hold back >>>

OCTOBER 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe

Contemporary II Forest wallpaper, 67 per 10m roll, Cole & Son

beauty & living home

ls , Hea 249 Pols Po , t e tten bottle s

de ha ps KE m I a l , Regolit each 5 2.2

Pan Pan rabb it, 101 ,L ig n

set Ro

Tumblers, 4.99 each, Falcon Enamelware

Childs play
Sma ll E S erie s ch air, 20.4 0, S CP

A few brightly coloured objects can be enough to add a playful feel to a sombre room. Create a paintbox feel by dipping plain white IKEA lampshades in colourful dyes. Choose enamel tableware for hardiness (unbreakable in the face of childish temper tantrums). Use an old school desk as a sideboard, or a classic polypropylene classroom chair as a stool child-size furniture plays with expectations and acts as a useful illusion if you live in a small space. Or turn your walls into a forest, ripe for dreamy exploration.

*To order a copy of Creative Family Home at the special price of 13.99 (including p&p), contact Macmillan Direct at 01256 302 699 and quote the reference GLR 8TH.



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beauty & living food

The seasons are changing, so were seeking change on our plates too. Here are some ideas to get you started
Recipes EMMa MaCdonald photogRaphy

Ease into autumn

Toby SCoTT

he weather not only has a powerful hold over our moods, it changes our appetite. In summer, we are drawn to food full of light fresh, sharp citrus avours, vibrant green salad leaves and fruit so ripe it bursts on your tongue. In autumn, we crave the comfort of slower, warmer

foods rooted in the earth. But theres also that strange in-between time, when you feel summer has ended but the leaves havent yet fallen. What do you hunger for then? These recipes, from the founder of The Bay Tree Company, are perfect for the days between the seasons.

MushrooM, CaMeMbert & MeMbrillo Wellingtons

The intensely fruity, red membrillo, or Spanish quince paste or cheese, is perfect combined with Camembert in these parcels. Use a Camembert thats just ripe so it melts, but doesnt run away, during baking. Membrillo has the texture of a rm fruit jelly with a slight graininess and a sweet, oral taste. Serves 4 Preparation time: 15 minutes Cooking time: 35 minutes
olive oil, for greasing and brushing 4 large portobello or eld mushrooms, about 250g total weight sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 2 x 150g small camembert cheeses 4 tbsp membrillo 6 sheets of lo pastry, 48 x 25cm each 40g butter, melted New potatoes and green salad, to serve

1 Preheat the oven to 190C/375F/gas

mark 5 and lightly oil a large baking

tray. Brush both sides of the mushrooms with olive oil and put them cap-side down on a plate. Season with salt and pepper. Use a sharp knife to slice the rind of the top and bottom of the Camembert; you can leave rind around the sides. Cut each Camembert in half crossways to create 4 pieces. 2 Put a piece of Camembert on top of each mushroom and top with a tablespoonful of the membrillo. Leave to one side. 3 Cut each sheet of lo pastry in half vertically. Place 3 halves of lo on top of one another, brushing each layer with a little melted butter. Keep the

remaining lo covered with a damp kitchen towel to prevent it drying out. Sit the stufed mushroom in the centre and draw up the corners of the lo to meet in the middle and make a parcel. Twist the top of the lo to seal, and brush the parcel with more butter. Repeat with the remaining stufed mushrooms and lo. 4 Place the mushroom Wellingtons on the prepared baking tray, and bake for 25-35 minutes until the lo pastry is golden and crisp. Leave to cool slightly to allow the Camembert to rm up before serving with the new potatoes and salad.


october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe


beauty & living food


ChoColate Risotto with Boozy CheRRies

A sweet risotto may sound unusual, but short-grain Arborio is equally good in a rice pudding as it is in a risotto. Serve this chocolatey dessert in small bowls, topped with the cherries steeped in kirsch and a splash of cream. Serves 4-6 Preparation time: 15 minutes, plus resting Cooking time: 50 minutes
Chocolate risotto: 875ml whole milk 60g caster sugar 165g Arborio rice 60g dark chocolate, about 70 per cent cocoa solids, cut into small pieces 1 tsp vanilla bean paste single cream, to serve (optional) Boozy cherries: 650g dark cherries 60g caster sugar 3 tbsp kirsch or brandy 2 tsp cornour

love your larder

This is the time to make jams and preserves. Steeping in alcohol is one of the easiest ways to preserve fruit, Emma Macdonald explains. She puts preserves in a warm jar to help extend their shelf life. When lling a jar, ll it to within 1cm or half an inch of the rim and, before sealing, tap the jar on a hard surface or run a sterilised spoon through the contents to release any trapped air pockets, Emma adds.

3 Meanwhile, make the boozy cherries.

Put the cherries, caster sugar and 2 tablespoons water in a saucepan and bring to a simmer, stirring until the sugar dissolves. Mix together the kirsch and cornour and gradually stir the mixture into the cherries. Simmer for another 2-3 minutes until the sauce has thickened and the cherries are tender. 4 Serve the chocolate risotto topped with the cherries and a swirl of cream, if you like. Any spare boozy cherries can be transferred to a sterilised jar and covered with a lid. They will keep for a week stored in the fridge.

1 Preheat the oven to 150C/300F/gas mark 2. Put the milk, caster sugar and rice into a ameproof casserole pot. Bring the milk almost to the boil, stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon. Add the chocolate and keep stirring until it melts. 2 Stir in the vanilla, cover with a lid and transfer to the oven. Bake for 40-45 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the rice is tender. Stir any skin that forms on the surface into the rice and leave it to rest, covered, for 5 minutes before serving.

To receive your copy of The Bay Tree Home Deli Recipes cookbook at the special price of 15 (including P&P), please call Watkins Publishing on 020 7454 8513 or send a cheque made payable to Watkins Publishing Ltd to Sixth Floor, Castle House, 75 Wells St, London W1T 3QH, quoting Bay Tree Home Deli Recipes: Psychologies special ofer. Normal RRP 20. All major credit and debit cards accepted. This ofer applies to UK residents only.



Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013

october 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe

beauty & living food

ChiCken BroChettes With ArtiChoke & oven-roAsted tomAto Confit

To make the oven-roasted tomatoes, chop 500g of tomatoes in half lengthways, and scoop out the seeds. Sprinkle the insides with salt, then leave, cut side down, to drain. After an hour turn over and sprinkle the cut side with 3 nely chopped garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil and oregano. Season, then roast at 110C for 2-2 hours until they look wrinkly and almost dry. Use straight away or cool, then cover with olive oil and store in an airtight container in the fridge. Serves 4 Preparation time: 20 minutes, plus marinating Cooking time: 30 minutes
Chicken brochettes: 150ml natural yogurt 1 tsp turmeric 2 garlic cloves, crushed red chilli, diced Juice of half a lemon sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 550g skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into 16 bite-sized pieces 1 large red onion, cut into wedges 6 large bay leaves, halved lengthways olive oil, for brushing 1 tbsp roughly chopped parsley leaves slices of ciabatta, to serve Artichoke & oven-roasted tomato cont: A large pinch of safron threads 4 tbsp extra virgin olive oil 4 large garlic cloves, sliced 250g chargrilled artichoke hearts in oil, drained and halved if large 500g oven-roasted tomatoes 100g cup pitted Kalamata olives 50g preserved lemons, drained and nely chopped

1 Mix the yogurt, turmeric, garlic,

chilli and lemon juice together in a non-metallic dish. Season with salt and pepper, and add the chicken. Turn the meat in the mixture, then cover, and leave to marinate for an hour in the fridge. 2 Thread 4 pieces of chicken on a long metal skewer, alternating with slices of onion and 3 bay leaf halves start and end with onion. Make 4 skewers. Cover and chill until required. 3 To make the cont, soak the safron threads in 300ml of hot water. Heat the oil in a wide, deep pan and fry the

garlic for 1 minute, then add the safron stock and artichokes. Bring to the boil, then turn the heat down low and simmer for 15-20 minutes until it has reduced by two-thirds. 4 Stir in the oven-roasted tomatoes, olives and preserved lemons and heat through for another 5 minutes until the stock has thickened to a sauce-like consistency. Add an extra splash of oil and/or water if the cont appears dry. Season with salt and pepper to taste. 5 Preheat the grill to high and line the pan with foil. Brush your brochettes with olive oil and grill for 8-10 minutes, turning occasionally, until golden in places and cooked through. Sprinkle with parsley, serve with the cont and sliced ciabatta.


Psychologies MAgAZiNe october 2013

photographs: From the Bay tree home Deli recipes By emma macDonalD, Duncan BairD puBlishers 2013, commissioneD photography By toBy scott

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beauty & living food news

Chocolatier Amelia Rope ( suggests some new ways to get your chocolate x As a pick-me-up: To clear your head before a meeting, try peppermint chocolate or a chocolate-covered cofee bean. As an indulgence: My twist on pudding is a chunk or two of chocolate and then a delicious wine or sherry. A recent discovery is my new White Edition 02 (white chocolate with sea salt) and a Muscat from Berry Bros & Rudd. As a special savoury treat: I go weak at the knees for venison with chocolate and red wine sauce and a glass of Ctes du Rhne.

Our kitchen shelves are looking glorious this month, thanks to the eye-popping new range of own-label products from Harvey Nichols. With treats including avocado oil, honey and bee pollen biscuits and rosehip tea, they are good for your insides, too (from 1.95, Gluten-intolerant bakers rejoice the lovely people at Honeybuns have launched their own bake-at-home kits. We made the lemon drizzle cake and successfully passed it of as our own (4.99,


Leiths How To Cook (Quadrille, 30) e always get that new-school-books feeling at this time of year, which makes it the perfect month to open up the new collection from Leiths. The renowned cookery school is famous for its alumni, including Sam Clark of Moro and Gizzi Erskine, and its focus on classic techniques, but this book is also full of modern twists, with recipes from all over the globe, including roast rack of venison with cherry and thyme crust (above). If youre just starting out, youll appreciate the foolproof advice on the basics of good food. If youre looking for a challenge, youll nd great show-stoppers, such as how to prepare a sea urchin. Make it your go-to kitchen textbook.



Are you bored of packed lunches already? Then try these new pots from The Soulful Food Company. Our favourite is the Thai Green Chicken with Kelp Noodles (3.49,

If youre always thinking you should eat less meat, check out the recipes on Meat Free Monday (, a veggie initiative from Paul, Mary and Stella McCartney. Youll nd more from the McCartneys at Vegfest UK, Europes biggest veggie event, taking place at London Olympia on 5 and 6 October (



beauty & living travel

New horizons
We often describe holidays as mood-changing, but could it be possible to have a truly life-altering break in which you adjust your attitude, your career, or your love life in just seven days? As life coaching and therapy retreats increase in popularity, three women tell us about nding new paths to change

Ive broken the pattern of doomed relatIonshIps

Emma Bibby, 38, split up with her long-term partner three years ago. Dating, but fed up of attracting a similar kind of man, she decided to spend a week in Wales on the Path of Love course

WELSH WONDER: Emma took of to the majestic setting of the Brecon Beacons to get a handle on why she nds relationships so difcult

drew up outside Buckland Hall, a beautiful centuries-old mansion like something out of a Jane Austen novel, surrounded by the Brecon Beacons. I was nervous, but also excited about what awaited me. Id wanted to go on a retreat where I could take the time to look at my relationship patterns. Id been dating on and off for three years mostly online. Im a sensitive person so I found it hard the rejection, the lies and the same kind of uncommitted man I seem to be endlessly attracted to. The course promised to help me focus on opening up my heart and trust in lifes possibilities again. There were 30 of us, and alongside around 30 staf (past participants), there were six highly trained therapists and the founders of the Path of Love. It was scary opening up initially, but I felt well supported. In the rst few days we were put into groups of 10, and we each got the opportunity to share any issues. But, rather than allow us to get tangled up in our stories by over-analysing things, therapists would regularly intervene to get us to look at how these issues were making us feel.

fIND OUT MORE: for further information, visit

I realised that I had been holding onto a lot of frustration and anger around my lack of self-worth and rejection, which was holding me back. The trust that we built up as a group was extraordinary and inspiring. Most of us shared a bedroom, but you can book a single room if youre worried about snoring. We ate like kings albeit vegetarian ones. You are encouraged not to talk outside of the sessions. There is no alcohol, sugar, cafeine or smoking allowed. The idea is that you dont use small talk or any of your other usual methods to avoid how youre feeling. The leaders would ask often How do you feel? I dont know how I feel, Id often respond, frustrated. It was as if Id closed myself of from feeling anything. They encouraged us to drop down from our heads to our hearts. I explored how I didnt feel beautiful enough, or good enough. I got angry. I was tired of being treated like this by men. I created a new story that Im unique, beautiful, perfect the way I am, and completely deserving of love. On the last night, I wanted some time alone, to allow all Id experienced to sink in. So I sat in the grounds wrapped in a blanket, beneath the moon and the stars, and saw a rey dancing in front of me. Someone said that was a symbol of hope and also of attracting the right things into my life. Did this one-week experience change my life? All I know now is that I can feel a denite shift in myself; I feel more accepting of who I am, and that I can allow love in again. Ive also made new friends, for life, and for that, Im truly grateful. >>>

photograph: graham bell/alamy

OCTOBER 2013 PsychologIes MAgAZINe



Ive commItted to pursuIng my dream

Claire Rawlinson, 44, a teacher, had always dreamt of becoming a stand-up comic but somehow never found the time. Could a week on the French Riviera change her attitude?
hen I found out I would be spending a week on a yacht on the French Riviera, I thought all my Christmases had come at once. Was it possible to change your life in a week, on a boat, and could a psychologist really help me? I knew how I wanted to change my life I would pursue my dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. It was something Id always wanted to do, just a case of nding the time, the discipline, the motivation... As I came through arrivals, my mentor, psychologist Graham Price, was waiting for me, not the omnipresent robe-wearer that Id been expecting, but a rather lean, suntanned man, possessing the softly-spoken reassuring tone of voice you might hear as a TV voiceover. Over our rst dinner, he asked the group what we wanted to get from the course: to manage anger, to help with stress, to be free from guilt, came the replies. It came to my turn: To become a

SAIL AWAY : Claire found the tools to help her realise her dreams during a weeks mentored holiday in a completely diferent (and beautiful) setting in the south of France

Find out more: Graham Price is the author of What is, is! the Power of Positive Acceptance (HotHive Books, 9.99). For information about scheduled training and sailing courses or one-to-one sessions with Graham Price visit port-grimaud

stand-up comedian. Price just smiled, unfazed. The next morning, we had our rst lecture and he introduced us to his philosophy of positive acceptance, or Pacceptance accepting what has happened and accepting what is right now. He told us: Why hang on to the things that are limiting you? Accept the feeling, choose the action. It was a lot easier said than done. But I soon had a chance to put it into practice, when a week later my nine-year-old daughter refused to go to bed and I found myself growing angry at the injustice of it all. OK, time to feel your anger, I told myself. I rehearsed what Id been taught to feel the anger, then accept it, and then change the focus away from the trigger (in this case, my daughter). Slowly, my anger began to diminish. A great result, I congratulated the new smug me, but I quickly discovered it was a work-in-progress. Over the week, we gradually built up a bank of tools to help us with worry, stress or fear. These sessions were interspersed with sailing to St Tropez and taking in the sights of Port Grimaud. Not only did I live the local lifestyle a luxury town house, sailing daily on a 50-foot yacht, hobnobbing with the beautiful people, but I learnt something as well. If I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, I had to fully commit to it; Ive just returned from >>> playing the Edinburgh Comedy Festival.

OCTOBER 2013 Psychologies MAgAZiNe



Ive dIscovered how to put myself fIrst

Gillian Kett, 38, works as a nurse. She travelled to the French Alps to discover how to reconnect to the good things in life

TIME TO THINK: Gillian found that being away from home really gave her time to focus on herself and her needs

ve always been guilty of getting caught up in looking after others and making sure they are happy, but it means that sometimes I feel like I am getting left behind. One day, I woke up and thought, I have no idea what I want to do for fun it was an epiphany. Id met corporate development consultants Su Openshaw and Brian Caie before, so when they invited me to try out their self-discovery course, Create The Life You Really Want, I decided I wanted to go nd out what was missing. It helped that it takes place in a luxury Alpine ski chalet in Ferme du Ciel during the of-peak season. There were 10 of us on the four-day course. We were woken in the morning by the radio, which was a change for me from a blaring alarm clock. Everyone strolled downstairs for breakfast in the huge open-plan space, before slowly drifting over to the other side of the replace to start the rst session of the day. Although everyone had a chance for a one-to-one session with our trainers, they made it very clear from the start that they werent ofering individual therapy. The emphasis was on

Find out more: Create the Life You really Want holidays are for 4 days, 3 nights and cost 695 for participants sharing a luxury double room or 945 for sole occupancy, including room and half-board meals. readers get a 5% discount; mention Psychologies when booking. Visit or call 01256 808 294.

group work, with all of us being given the tools to nd answers. The sessions were a mix of information (theories on what makes people the way they are), discussion and practical exercises designed to help us identify what was important to us. To begin with, we were given a list of around 40 core values, or drivers, such as status, love, honesty, money. Our task was to choose the values that mattered to us, whittling down the list from 20, to 10, to seven and so on. My word was honesty in the end. It made complete sense. I was used to saying I valued honesty in other people but I realised that I wasnt always completely honest with myself, or with others, about how I was feeling. Our nal task was to come up with a mantra for ourselves. Mine was think, feel, choose a way of reminding me not to just to react in situations and be a people pleaser, but to think about what I really wanted, how my actions would make me feel and choose whether to do something. It was a powerful lesson to learn, and I think being away from home helped me to focus on myself. Because the group came from different parts of the world, we all felt less like we were being judged by one another. In a nice way, I didnt care so much what they thought of me. Having said that, we formed very strong bonds over our experience and Im still in touch with almost all of them. The positivity I found was long-lasting, and Im so glad I gained some skills to benet myself.


Psychologies MAgAZiNe OCTOBER 2013

A Christmas Treat Quentin Blake

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Tom Cheshire, travel writer and author of The Explorer Gene (Short Books, 20), recommends his top spots

beauty & living travel news

HOBART For many Antarctic researchers, the last stop before the ice is Hobart, Tasmania. The islands capital is also home to the Aurora Australis, the Antipodean equivalent to the better known Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights). The everchanging lights dance across the sky over the long winter nights, and can be spotted from Hobarts beachfront.

Stay at The Mona Pavillions. 217 for a double room (excl tax),

The Pig in Brockenhurst, Hampshire


et in the heart of The New Forest, The Pig is a new style of country hotel. Its a shabby chic home away from home, but with ve-star service you wont get in your own living room. There are comfy sofas and roaring res a-plenty, and a great many board games to keep you busy. Although its sometimes described as a restaurant with rooms (and the food is incredible almost all grown, reared or sourced locally), there are more hidden treasures than they let on. From impromptu lessons on how to avour your own booze, to live music, and y shing, youll never be lost for something to do. The hotel is also the perfect base for good walks, but before you venture too far aeld The Pigs very own kitchen garden, fruit cage, and wildower meadow orchard should be explored. Theres also a large pond, and if you cross over the bridge, youll happen upon the Potting Shed, an original garden shed, transformed into a single treatment room. The Aromatherapy Associates products used in the Ultimate Luxury Facial transformed my dry, parched skin, while the tension-releasing facial techniques and soothing head, neck and shoulder massage worked so well, it felt like I swam back across the pond to the hotel.
Rooms from 135 midweek; 165 weekends. To book, call 0845 077 9494,

PALAU Don Walsh and Jacques Piccard went to the bottom of the ocean in 1960, diving seven miles down to the Challenger Deep in the Pacic. They started from Guam; better to go to this Micronesian island.

Stay at the Palau Pacic Resort. Rooms start at 200,

MONT BLANC The classic Tour du Mont Blanc circuit is a walk which takes 14 days and crosses through France, Italy and Switzerland, incorporating every terrain from lush wildower meadows to steep peaks.

Alpine Exploratory ofers customised tours for 1,490, which includes a qualied guide, accommodation and food,

t Travel can play havoc with your sleep, but these elegant eye masks should help you nd a bit of peace. Filled with lavender and with adjustable straps, they come in a range of Liberty prints, or Harris tweed, for weary gentleman travellers. From 45, Otis Batterbee (

AND FINALLY... Ever wished you could share a train carriage with your favourite author? This autumn, Virgin Trains are hosting a series of onboard book signings with the likes of Joanna Trollope, Ruby Wax and Jo Nesb. Find out when and where you can travel along with them at



October essentials
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Nestled in beautiful North Yorkshire, Split Farthing Hall, with Dr Claire Maguire, ofers life changing wellbeing retreats for women only. Learn to manage stress, discover renewed self-condence, create the path youve dreamed of. All programs combine the holistic approach of powerful life coaching techniques, yoga, meditation and the energy of healthy, delicious gourmet raw food. With small intimate groups, these exclusive retreats are designed to relax, transform and revitalize, leaving you motivated and empowered to live the life you desire.
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her own woman

SALLY BRAMPTON Journalist, novelist and agony aunt

The road to happiness

Occasionally, I think my life is tedious beyond belief. I get up, eat breakfast,
work, go to the supermarket, work some more, watch bad TV and go to bed. The sleepy seaside town where I live isnt exactly over-endowed with culture, other than a shabby, carpet-stained Odeon and a theatre that boasts Donny Osmond on a good day. I fondly imagine that, when I lived in London which I did, for many years I went to every rst-night opening and hip cultural happening. Complete and utter delusion; visiting friends knew more about what was going on than I did. I also sometimes forget that moving was a choice and one I am entirely happy with. I love walking by the sea, the peace and quiet, the way other drivers wave you through or wait patiently at crossroads who knows what would happen if they were confronted by Hyde Park Corner and the checkout assistants at the supermarket, smiling and ofering to help. The rst time it happened, this cynical Londoner almost fainted with shock. Even so, there are times when I really do feel out of the loop, a sensation not helped by staring at that condence-busting thing called social media, as well as websites lled with must have trends which, if you dont know about, means you obviously must be still living somwhere back in 1984. Social media, like other media, connives to make us feel that our lives are somehow lacking or to rouse that universal cry of anguish, Im not good enough, but, lets face it, none of us feel good enough. We know, rationally, that other peoples lives arent that great and last night they might have been weeping into a solitary plate of baked beans, but since when was rational consideration the soulmate of emotion? Ever since my daughter was around eight years old, Ive taught her that comparing ourselves to others is the fastest way to unhappiness. She is still extraordinarily good at practising what I preached, so its a crashing shame that sometimes I dont follow my own advice, and my present ennui has nothing to do with the perceived tedium of my life, but the tedium of my self-absorption. I realise that Im singing on a singular note; me, me and yet me again. Which you might say is normal. We can only inhabit our own self; other peoples selves are locked behind closed doors so it is up to us to govern our own emotions. I know, pretty scary and difcult to do, but if there is any other road to happiness, I do not know it. It is at times like these when I know I need a good old chat with myself (or perhaps a sharp blow to the head) to change my perspective. I always do my thinking rst thing in the morning, with a cup of tea. It means getting up early, but the calm and solitude is well worth the efort. It is when my mind is at its clearest. By the time I go to bed, it is as cluttered as a city centre street with other peoples thoughts. So there I am with my cup of tea (which is the drink of the gods), which is a pleasure most ordinary and as are most small pleasures extraordinary. And this, on a good day, is where my thoughts go. You have a roof over your head, and money in the bank, enough food and a wonderful child. Who could ask for anything more?

Follow Sally on Twitter @SallyBrampton


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