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NATIONAL PAST

Hard Nipples and Namaste
Meat freezers are jampacked from Dupont to Jarvis. Arts
Vol. ∞ NO. 666 WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2013

Obama is sick of it!

I’M TOO DAMN GOOD FOR THIS PLACE
BY CRUSTIE BLECHWORD

COMMENT
This edition of the National Past is brought to you by The Eyeopener. If you’re still a paper in four years you NEED to hire us...Please? Pretty Please?

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Do you see the utterly inconceivable incompetence I have to put up with here? Goddamn Getty Images, a waterfall of Wire stories and self-serving authors that like to stroke each other off. Don’t you people understand that I’m Crustie “Column Crusher” Blechword? I’ve built a goddamn empire for myself off the broken backs of abused children and bleeding G20 protestors. So fucking what if I only tackle topics that have an obvious moral binary, at least that way I’m always on the winning side. That’s right, I’m the Nancy Grace of Canadian print journalism, and everybody wants to kiss my ass for it. Kids abducted and tortured, I’m against that. Cops fighting teenager anarcho-wannabes, you can bet I’m against that. Remember Ashley Smith? I was outraged about that before the story broke! Life is easier in black and white, why do you think I’m in print? People want good and evil, a triumph of will and horribly depressing stories about bad stuff happening to little kids. It makes them feel safe, and that is what Due to centralizing our paper in Hamilton, we cannot afford a picture of Barack Obama. Please enjoy Blechword is all about. Well, that and my paycheque… I mean byline! this adorable dog with a curtain on his head. D’awwww! It doesn’t matter. I could tell every one of my readers that I defiled their grandma’s grave and they would still praise me as the second coming of the Virgin Mary. I’m too big to fail, you might as well call me Chrystler BlechFord! NEW STEROID So keep reading, my little column ONLY LEAGUE junkies! I plan to keep my bank account fat with righteous indignation BY GIANT BAG BY ANDY BOTTLECAP and finger pointing. Moral outrage is OF DICKS how I roll. In fact, I invented moral outrage. time to do my job.” After years of fruitless In a dramatic press conferIt has been trademarked, and any Obama pointed to the government intervention ence Tuesday, US President instance of moral outrage without and endless fights with Barack Obama announced recent shutdown of the US proper attribution to Blechword InMajor League Baseball, a his dissatisfaction with the government, and world dustries will be followed by a swift hunger as examples of isgroup of former and cur- American people. subpoena. rent players have come to“Frankly, I’m sick of all sues he could have solved And to anyone wondering why an gether to establish the the your bitching,” Obama if everyone just, “shut their opinion column is on the front page National Steroids League said. “It’s high time that pie holes and pretended to I can only say this: READ THE BY(NSL). everybody in this coun- get along.” LINE BITCH! See OBAMA on Page A5 See NSL on Page S2 try gives me some fucking

DRUGS SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS

Obama is tired of your shit, and it ends now

FP

GOOGLE BUYS SUN

Tech industry giant buys a literal star Page FP1

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TORONTO
Outrage over lack of Ford scandals
ANITA JACKSON

TORONTO

NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

‘Is it just me or is the CN Tower just Toronto’s massive boner?’ — Hugh Jass, some random Torontonian

Over 4,000 angry Torontonians rallied outside of Mayor Rob Ford’s house last night, angry at what their befuddled Mayor has yet to do. Ford has been scandal-free for the last eight months and all of the Liberal pundits who were hoping to gain a political edge are outraged. “I can’t believe it,” said Liberal leader Kathleeeeeeeeen Wynnnnnne. “This isn’t fair. He hasn’t done anything that I can call him out on.” Torontonians barraged city hall, holding signs that read “Smoke weed, Ford dweeb,” “Unleash the gravy train,” and “No more Mr. Nice guy...seriously do something bad.” “He’s got this good guy image and it’s making it tough for us,” said Liberal activist Dalton McQuackster, one of the picketing organizers. Earlier this month, Ford was spotted

holding hands with LGBT folks at the AIDS Walk, singing “We All Live in A Yellow Submarine.” Last month, he donated $250,000 from his own money to the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. The website Gawker posted a picture of Ford on it’s homepage, praising the Etobicokenative for the anti-drug talk he gave at an Etobicoke kindergarten class. “They can’t even make fun of my weight,” said Ford, who was spotted laughing through his Toronto residence as protesters yelled and threw eggs at his house. “After going on the Subway diet, I’ve lost 30 pounds, so their only hope to get after me is gone.” All Toronto newspaper sales are expected to decrease by 23 per cent. “The National Past is worried that it may lose $100,000 in monthly sales because not having Ford on the cover, will iSmokea Packaday/ NATIONAL PAST hurt pickup,” says National Past director Brandon Grosvenor,senior VP of adver- Real smokers think e-cig smokers are wannabe posers that need to permanently be shunned. tising sales. “No Ford means no pickup.” His message to Ford? “Do something bad, really bad. Pretty please? We just want to stay in business.” Ray Bands, owner of the hippest Jones outside of city hall, it was anIVANA THREESOME hipster bar in Kensington Market nounced last week that legislature When smoking a real, manly man’s Cold Tea, was the first to ban e-ciga- was in place to extend the restaurant ban of e-cigarettes citywide. cigarette was banned from inside rettes in his establishment. Protesters stood outside of city “You have to enter our bar of restaurants in 2004, the outcry of disappointment came not solely through a back alley, we don’t have hall for the month of September, a sign, we serve $30 drinks out of imploring councilors to get rid of from the smokers affected. Many restaurants lost 30 per cent jars,” explained Bands. “Even we “those damned devil sticks.” The protesters were unified with of their revenue usually gained dur- don’t want that shit here.” “Seriously, do you realize how simultaneous coughing and chants. ing off-peak hours, when most of “Take your cherry flavoured shit, their clientel was lonely, beer-drink- much of a tool you look like?” Normal cigarette smoker Grizzly go home e-smokers, and fuck youring, burger-eating smokers. Enter the e-cigarette. Advertise- Jones just recently celebrated his selves!” “We know e-cigarettes are better ments showed nicotine addicts hap- 24th anniversary of being a smoker for you,” said protester Delicious pily smoking on planes, trains and like a goddamn champ. “Smokers now have people to S. Grant. “It mimics the effects of a in restaurants. Looking like complete douche bags, but smoking in- look down upon,” said Jones as normal cigarette and has less harmhe coughed up black tar. “What a ful chemicals.” side all the same. “But they are really fucking dumb However restaurant owners are bunch of pounces.” After a month of protests led by and I don’t want to look at them.” not impressed.

E-cigarettes banned from restaurants and patios

SCARBOROUGH SUBWAY EXPANSION FACES DELAYS BECAUSE OF MOLE PEOPLE
KENYA SWALLOWS
Due to mole people tunneling to the surface and terrorizing commuters, the wait for Scarborough’s subway upgrades will be extended indefinitely, said TTC chair Karen Stinz. After the federal government promised $660 million to build a subway line in Scarborough last Monday, hundreds of bizarre hunched-back beings began to creep into streetcar lanes and loiter near MetroPass vending machines. Covered head to toe in matted dark fur, the mole people have beadish eyes and pink scaly snouts. When price hikes and service cuts are mentioned in a mole person’s presence, they have been known to screech in unknown tongues that cause passersby’s ears to bleed. When asked why, one mole man chuckled darkly. “We rise,” he said through hissed teeth. “You could have stopped it. It’s too late.” After close examination of the tunnels, transportation minister Glen Murray said the mole people have crafted a transit system more efficient, faster and cleaner that the TTC. Using gnarled, razor-sharp claws and their grotesque, worm hole-like mouths, the mole people’s tunnels extend from Toronto to Waterloo, with travel times from city to city estimated at 11 seconds. “It’s remarkable how they’ve innovated transit down there,” said Murray. “Their zero tolerance litter policy and tendency to devour sexual harassers has made Toronto’s underground a truly better place.”

NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

CANADA
Quebec charter of values extends to hockey jerseys, silly hats
BY GRAEME HALIFAX
haven’t won a Stanley Cup in 20 years and therefore suck (not in a Toronto Maple Leafs kind of way, but still). Quebecers were quick to voice their support of the new additions. “This sounds really reasonable and makes a lot of sense to me,” said NoOne Ever, a seventh-year undeclared major student at McGill University. “But really, we don’t feel the government’s measures go far enough,” Ever added. “It’s a step in the right direction, but our society still needs to strive to be equal and inclusive.” Marois hinted at further bans at a press conference on Monday. “You know, I really hate those floral headband things,” she said to a standing ovation. “And anything that has any variation of ‘Keep calm and carry on’ — they need to go.” Critics responded by claiming Marois planned to ban anything she didn’t personally like. When asked for a response, Marois said, “And?” can do with it other than just fuel carsand if anyone has any ideas I’m open to your suggestions,” said Harper, who appeared genuinely confused about what oil actually is. He has also asked anyone with ideas to step forward. Harper was in Washington last week and told Obama he isn’t going to give up on the Keystone pipeline either. Harper asserted himself to Obama in an unusually bold statement: “I won’t take no. No isn’t going to happen. No? What’s that mean?” Obama appeared baffled. “This just isn’t the kind of thing we’re [the Canadian government] good at dealing with,” said Jill Hassel, Harper’s assistant. Some Canadians are wondering why, if we have such an abundant supply of oil, gas prices continue to rise. “I think it’s totally ridiculous that we have all this oil, but it cost almost $150 to fill up my tank, I can’t even afford to get to work anymore,” said 37-year-old bowler, Tommy Truckabigload. To that, Harper said there was no good answer – but that “arbitrary pricing is just part of living in this fine nation.”

CANADA

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‘O Canada, our home and... Shit, what were the words again?’ — Everyone at the last Canadiens game
juana JT was smoking. Let’s go on a little journey of JT’s hair revolution. There is “Wild Thang JT” with his sexyback swagger, there is “Mr. Charming JT,” a Hollywood North heartthrob. There is “I’m too goodlooking for you JT”; this JT hasn’t gotten his grass trimmed in a while. And my personal favourite: “Greased Up JT”, a combination of three things. Gel, gel and David Beckham. The fact is that 112 per cent of Canadians must undergo laser eye surgery to re-gain the vision they have lost. Banning that mane is the only way. I recently walked into JT’s usual salon, Chez Hot Stuff, to see what the fuss was about. I trotted in Jojo Ivyson. I walked out Channing Tatum. At this point, I ran back to our office and showed my esteemed colleague, Crustie Blechword, what had become of me. She succinctly told me to “screw off!” and leave the hairstylying to Justin. So be it. P.S. Justin, please marry me!

More items of clothing will be incorporated into Quebec’s Charter of Values in the wake of the successes of its first incarnation

Following the unwavering approval of the Quebec Charter of Values—which prevents public service workers from wearing hijabs, turbans, kippahs and large crucifixes — Pauline Marois’ Parti Québécois has extended their proposed legislation to apply to hockey sweaters and other garments. Among the items banned in the new version of the charter are all gang colours (leaving black, white and grey as the only remaining wearable shades), silly hats (fedoras, the ones with the propellers, and definitely those hipster ones that look like socks), and hockey jerseys (except, of course, for the Montreal Canadiens). “The Canadiens are part of our history,” explained Quebec Premier Pauline Marois. “While we believe that other jerseys could offend fans of other teams, we recognize that the Habs are just better than everyone else.” Through freedom-of-information requests, The National Past obtained documents that revealed the Canadiens

NATALIA NOONECANSPELLYOURLASTNAME / NATIONAL PAST

Trudeau’s hair has been censored for your safety.

JT’s hair is going to win the next election. You heard me, my boy JT’s hair is da bomb. I’m not kidding. There are side effects to staring at it for BY JOJO IVYSON too long. A woman was recently blinded Justin Trudeau’s hair has been deemed when she saw JT’s luscious hair flowtoo sexy for public broadcast. He is God’s final draft. He is like a ing in the wind. Police were not able to shirtless pirate on the front of a ro- identify whether she was blinded due to his beauty or the unregulated marimance novel.

Trudeau’s hair too sexy for broadcast

ALBERTA IS DROWNING IN OIL
BY CECELI RIGHTSIDE
Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that Alberta has way too much oil and that it’s becoming a serious problem, especially for him. “I’ve had to come with up with a few plan B’s to try and figure out what we should do with all the excess oil and it’s been really stressing me out,” said Harper at a recent news conference. It is unclear what his plan “A” is. Harper went on to list some of his plan Bs - which included making a two-for-one deal with international investors who might be considering buying into Canada’s most useful and lucrative resource. Another plan B was just giving the rest to China. Harper also seemed to believe that Canadians needed to start using more oil in order to keep the massive crude crop flowing. “There has got to be more things we

WORLD
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WORLD

NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

‘Everyone needs a break bitches!’ — US President Barack Obama

DENNIS RODMAN SAYS HE TRIED TO POISON NORTH KOREAN GUY
BY STAN DING-UP
Retired American Hall of Fame basketball player and former BFF to one of the world’s most notorious dictators, Dennis Rodman, has divulged to the public that he was working as a secret agent for the United States government while visiting North Korea earlier this year. “You guys all seriously thought I actually, like, went over there to visit that dude [North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un],” said Rodman at a press conference in China. “When

Barack [Obama] called me last year and asked me to infiltrat North Korea I thought to myself ‘hmmm what would Michael [Jordan] do.’” A number of news organizations had received footage from Rodman’s trip to North Korea showing the fivetime NBA champion casually watching basketball games and eating alongside Jong-Un. Rodaman, however, says that looks can be deceiving. “I tried to poison that fool’s drink, food and water supply but he kept having people taste everything before eating it,” said Rodman. “You have no idea how paranoid that dude is.” When poisoning the North Korean dictator didn’t work, Rodman told the media that he knew he needed to step up his game, especially since his trip was nearing an end. “Before leaving the US, I underwent some intense military training. Seriously, it was some James Bond shit, bro,” he said. “When all of my plans failed, I had to ask myself again, what would Michael [Jordan] do? Would he just give up? Hellz no, he’d find a way to defy the odds and

kill that motherfucker.” On his last night in Jong-Un’s supreme leader’s palace, the 6’7-Rodman snuck out of his chambers and tiptoed down the hallway to JongUn’s room. After strangling two guards with his bedazzled Ed Hardy T-shirt, Rodman said he opened the door to the dictator’s private chamber and killed him in his sleep. Or so he thought. “That guy’s fucking whack,” said Rodman after finding out he had killed yet another one of Jong-Un’s decoys. “Seriously this was like the eighth time I thought I killed him, but it was just another decoy.” Worried that his cover relationship with Jong-Un was ruined, Rodman fled the country immediately. “I got the fuck out of there,” he said. As soon as Rodman landed back on US soil he headed to the salon to have his hair dyed back pink. QUEEN FOTO / NATIONAL PAST “Dude wasn’t playing it right over there— I tried getting some streaks Dennis Rodman happy to be back in America, where pink hair is up in his hair, but he wasn’t going to acceptable. to have it,” said Rodman.

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NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

WORLD

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OBAMA IS SICK & TIRED OF EVERYONE’S BITCHING
Obama is working on ways to quiet everyone down, including all major media outlets, so he can have some peace and quiet while trying to sort his shit out.
By Andy Bottlecap
OBAMA from Page A1 Obama also noted that he is not paid nearly well enough to babysit the country while attempting to serve as a legitimate head of state. After Fox News aired a broadcast several hours after the announcement criticizing Obama’s choice of words, a man dressed in dark clothing appeared behind the anchor and deployed a chloroformsoaked cloth to knock him out. “And that’s another thing,” Obama said. “All this biased media bullshit, is about to stop. We’re currently exploring alternatives, such as genetically-altered chimpanzees who read the news.” Orchestrated government crackdowns on every media outlet that has published unflattering stories of the president have continued into the night, and there have been reports of chimpanzee attacks in some areas. “I’m a little bit concerned,” said NBC reporter Tevin Kibbles. “I heard that the Serbian Black Hand has gotten involved in… oh god -- they’re here.” Obama announced a detailed plan to silence opposition and “calm everyone the fuck down so that I can implement health care, save the world’s economy and lead our people, our nation, into a bright, promising future.” While some citizens have announced their disquiet at the authoritarian tone of the speech, anyone who tried to speak out was immediately silenced by strategic deployment of adorable puppies and chimpanzees. Obama also skipped a regularly scheduled appearance in Congress, opting, according to his press secretary, to stay home and work on actually achieving something. “I begged him to come,” said Congressman Anthony Weiner. “But then he told me I didn’t know a goddamn thing about politics or law and that I should go back to banging cigarette lobbyists, which was actually really upsetting.” So far, no casualties have been reported in chimpanzee attacks, but there have been some injuries. Obama said he is confused why anyone is giving him any slack because he is still clearly so much better than his predecessor. “Honestly, I had the smallest shoes to fill in American history. How is anyone challenging my competence?” asked the baffled president. He does however credit Bush — both of them — for being the inspirations behind working with chimpanzees. “After I saw what monkeys were actually capable of doing - I was pretty impressed and I knew I wanted to work more with them in the future.” This statement angered some people who don’t think this is the right approach to running a country. But then they all went to McDonalds, supersized their meals and felt a lot better everything. Obama shrugged off all the negativity by literally shrugging his shoulders and then ended his speech by reiterating the theme of his 2008 election victory: “Change has come to America.”
susanna getty /national past

Aerial view of a massive new island that has popped up in the middle of the ocean, near Pakistan.

UN supports teenage orgy on new island
By Shiza Lady
The Earth performed the ultimate magic trick, making an island appear out of nowhere. The new island, named Zalzala Koh, is an outstanding side effect of the Sept. 24 earthquake in Pakistan. On Oct. 4 the United Nations announced it would be offering $1,000 and a free plane ticket to all volunteers willing to help populate the new landmass. “This orgy will be good for the

economy. New babies mean new consumers,” said Lance Sexton, the media representative for the UN. “We need the global community to participate — and we need active participation.” Teenagers across the world raced to international airports. The project is expected to last until Oct. 25, but there are already 10,000 volunteers on Zalzala Koh. Of that, 86 per cent are male. All water sent to residents has been replaced with alcohol. “The male-female ratio is a big problem. Sometimes you’ll hop into the pile and some horned-up idiot mistakes your starfish for a taco,” said one of the island’s inhabitants currently in the medical ward. “It’s an occupational hazard.”

But scientists said there is a huge risk in this project. According to Dick Cox, a geophysicist at Harvard, it’s expected that if calculations are correct and the whole island orgasms at once, another earthquake will ensue. “A collective orgasm of this magnitude could be so powerful that its vibrations could trigger the Earth’s tectonic plates to shift, he says. “And because it’s an island, it could be a lot more dangerous than just an earthquake. We have to worry about things like tsunamis. It could result in the rare phenomenon that can often tragically result in what us scientists call ‘a macro-climax.’” The birth rate is expected to skyrocket in 2014 to levels that officials can only describe as “China on ecstasy.”

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I.P. Freely / National PAst

Sorry for any confusion, we couldn’t afford another picture of Obama so instead we present to you, Obamacat.

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EDITORIALS&LE
NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

It’s not a hard knock life for us
Stevey Mauricinho
We all know print advertisement is dead. The internet has us beat, I mean how can we compete with a product that can shift from news to porn in a few seconds? But that doesn’t mean that the Past is going down. We have the world’s greatest solution to the issues faced by the industry. Move to Hamilton! It’s called centralization, and it doesn’t just have to be for national and international news. In an unprecedented decision, The National Past will become the first paper to cover Toronto news from Hamilton. Now, I know you’re all thinking, “How are you going to cover events when you’re not in the same city?” Simple! We’ll just become a little more reliant on wire stories and rehashing content from the internet. I mean, isn’t that what every successful internet site does anyway? Besides, we know you read the stories on the internet days before the paper comes out anyway. Most people just buy our paper for aesthetic effect and don’t even read it. TrinityBellwoods types say they go great with a vintage bicycle basket and a shitty haircut. To our investors, do not fret. Look at The Financial Past, obviously we know enough about money to keep a newspaper afloat. We have a few irons in the fire and some desperation in the hole. There’s no freaking way we can fail. Simply impossible. On an unrelated note, I am blood type AB positive and will be available for bookings at $5 a pint Monday through Thursday.

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Conrad Orange, founder of The National Past, details his first week inside the walls of his new home in cell C14 of the Toronto South Detention Centre

Conrad Orange: letters from prison
Conrad Orange
Day 1: I have just arrived at the C Block of the Toronto South Detention Centre, what will be my home for the next several months. Much to my dismay, I am still awaiting a visit from the dean; that he has not taken a mere moment to personally welcome me to the prison infers that he is a terrible host. I write to you standing up, as I refuse to sit down without a proper introduction. Do they not know who I am? Day 2: After several hours of waiting last night, I opted to lie down and finally accept my host’s dearth of civility. I found the bed lacking. Despite my insistence that I would require at least a queen-sized bed, I have been provided with what seems to be appropriate for a 12-year-old boy. Day 3: A grave discovery. The flatscreen TV that the prison has provided me has access only to Netflix Canada. After nearly a year in American prison, I simply cannot endure the terrible selection in this godforsaken country. I have begun a notelevision-watching strike in protest. Day 4: My strike has not succeeded. The guards pay no attention. However, during the past few days, I have noticed the stare of the man in the cell opposite mine. He possesses a pedophilic moustache and large, wire-

And, there’s more! Visit us online at: OCADU.CA/CONTINUINGSTUDIES

framed glasses. He worries me. Day 5: The mustachioed man spoke to me for the first time today — the first interaction I have had with the vermin that populates this hellhole. “Conrad?” he whispered through the bars of my cell. “Are you Conrad?” I replied in the negative; I fear that, if my identity is discovered, I will inevitably have murderers and criminals lining up by my cell for autographed copies of my books. Day 6: I have developed a daily system whereby, for $10,000 a meal, I can be fed like a man rather than an animal. The filet mignon I dined on tonight, however, was rather dry. Day 7: Today, I discovered the cure to my ailments. I have begun watching a TV series titled Orange is the New Black. It is singularly fantastic. In response — and in an attempt to remain in tune with “the times,” as the young people say — I have legally changed my name to Conrad Orange.

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2013-10-01 9:18 AM

TTERS
NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

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ATTENTION: I, Stevey Mauricinho, am selling my house. I will accept the best offer to come my way. To sweeten the deal, I’ll even live there and work as your personal butler – for free! To inquire, call 1-555-486-7667

ROM-0027 Job #: Insertion date: OCTOBER 9, 2013 6" x 12.875" 4C NP Size:

Words and stuff
Re: Nothing, just stop and help me Re: Strange girl

DANCE/DRINK/EXPLORE

S.O.S. STOP. THIS IS A PLEAD FOR HELP. STOP. I REPEAT. STOP. I NEED HELP. PLEASE. STOP. I WAS JUST PADDLING ONE DAY. STOP. MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS. STOP. THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK. STOP. WHEN A GIANT WHALE APPEARED OUT OF A FLOATING ORB. STOP. AND SWALLOWED ME LIVE. STOP. AFTER I SPENT THREE DAYS. STOP. AND THREE NIGHTS. STOP. PLAYING GO-FISH WITH SOME CIRCUS FLOUNDERS. STOP. I FINALLY GOT OUT. STOP. WITH THE HELP OF SOME MERMAID CHICK NAMED ARIEL. STOP. SHE WOULDN’T STOP SINGING ABOUT FEET. STOP. I THEN SWAM ASHORE. STOP. I CAME ACROSS AN EMPTY SHELTER. STOP. BUILT WITH COPIES OF YOUR PAPER. STOP. I FIGURED YOU WOULD HELP ME. STOP. SINCE YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME. STOP. BECAUSE YOUR NEWSPAPER IS GOING UNDER. STOP. I’D LIKE TO COME HOME. STOP. I NEED TO FIND OUT THE BREAKING BAD FINALE. STOP. I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I’LL LIVE. STOP. IT’S GETTING COLDER. STOP. THE HOBBITS IN THE WOODS ARE PLANNING SOMETHING. STOP. I HEAR THEM GIGGLE AT NIGHT. STOP. THEY TELL BAD JOKES. STOP. TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER. STOP. AND NOT TO BELIEVE ANY WOMEN NAMED VALERIE, MARIA OR ANNELISE. STOP. THEY ARE LIARS. STOP. AND I DO NOT OWE THEM CHILD SUPPORT. STOP. REMEMBER TO FEED THE DUCKS. STOP. AND THE KIDS. STOP. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS ISLAND IS. STOP. THERE IS LOTS OF SAND. STOP. AND A BODY OF WATER SURROUNDING IT. STOP. BY THE TIME YOU’LL FIND ME. STOP. THERE WILL BE ZEBRAS WALKING IN CHEETAH PRINT SHIRTS. STOP. AND BOOTS WITH THE FUR. STOP.
Tom Sawyer, some random lonely island

I saw you on the northbound train. You got on at Summerhill station, which was hot. Summerhill is so below street level. So underground. You were wearing thick, blackframed glasses without lenses. Perfect sight is so conformist. I could tell you were a girl who preferred to look at things differently, even if it meant you couldn’t see anything at all. Your oversized plaid shirt smelled like body odour — ironically, obviously. And I could hear the faint traces of indie music coming out of your headphones, probably Purity Ring. Maybe even Vampire Weekend. More than anything, I wanted to sing along, but I was shy. So I avoided making eye contact with you. We exchanged glances on a few occasions. Four to be precise. Actually, five if you count the moment I put on my sunglasses to stare at you without being too obvious about it. I wasn’t sure if you could actually see me (due to the visibility issues that were previously mentioned). I was anxious to see where you would get off. Eglinton would be too mainstream. Sheppard, too cool. You definitely didn’t strike me as the Finch station type. Then, I knew. It hit me faster than the speed of light. Faster than a car going 30 miles over the speed limit. You were a North York Centre kind of girl. God, that station is so hot right now. It’s like the sun. But hotter. I contemplated saying hello to you, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I sat and anxiously waited, awkwardly staring at the TTC route map wishing I were singing a romantic ballad with you. I was right. North York Centre station. That was the last I saw of you. One moment you were there and the next, you were gone. I couldn’t just let you go. So I thought long and hard about how I would confess my love for you. The Toronto Star wouldn’t be your type of paper — too popular. The Globe? No. Then I knew it. The National Past. No one reads it. Which is why I knew you would.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
The National Past welcomes letters to the editor that are under 22 characters. If your thoughts exceed this limit, don’t share them. We don’t have the funds to give you the adequate space. We deserve the right to edit, burn or shred.

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FINANCIAL PAST

FLAHERTY ATTACKS NICKEL

These guys made money Find out how:
Go to our website, if it’s still up
TECH

FP2

CANADA’S BUSINESS VOICE, WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2013

Apple rebrands as Banana Inc.
Because they fucking can
BY MATT BRAGGERT

Google announces plan to buy sun

COMMENT

THIS HEADLINE IS IN CAPS
WE GOT BORED
BY DON TUEL
The president of Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment (MLSE) Don Cherry met on Wednesday with Tim Horton’s president Ho Timms at their favourite watering hole Hooters. “I just fuckin’ lurve mojitos,” said Timms. Cherry signed a drunken agreement on a cocktail napkin allowing Tim Horton’s to acquire the Toronto Maple Leafs. The deal was then sealed with a handshake and a boston cream donut. Tim Horton’s, which already owned a 12 per cent stake in MLSE bought 90 per cent more shares. Analysts are blaming alcohol for the poor math. MLSE shares were at a low $4 a pop after the Leafs disgraceful game seven loss to Boston in May (I don’t know sports language). In a press release issued yesterday, Tim Horton’s plans to change the Leafs name to the Honey Crullers. There are also negotiations in the works to get the Tim Horton’s logo on the Frankenjersey, but nobody really knows what the deal with that is. Smithers McGee, analyst with CIBC, said he believe this will raise the price of shares. “They should have sold for $3 a share,” said McGee. “The sooner people forget about the Stanley Cup the better. I mean what a shit show.”

MARKETS
Week of Oct. 2 to Oct. 9

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S&P/TSK
1,000 -whatever

DJ Ind.
100,000 +a shit ton

OIL
US$107.95 Duh, it went up

Natural Gas
US$5.00 It went up too, I guess

Electronic giant Apple announced it would be rebranding itself as Banana Inc. at a surprise press conference yesterday. “As a brand that is constantly evolving and leading the tech revolution, we saw this rebranding as a natural progression,” Banana Inc. CEO Timothy D. Cook said during a four-hour presentation at Banana Inc.’s California headquarters. Cook explained that the company was inspired to ditch its iconic name and logo for the versatility of the yellow, curved, tubular fruit. “You can eat it, pretend it’s a telephone, use it as a toy gun. And even after you eat it, the peel can be used as a classic comedy device,” Cook explained as he took a toke off of what appeared to be a fat joint. “You can only really eat apples or throw them at people, and even though getting hit by one probably hurts like a motherfucker, those things don’t properly reflect the multiple uses of our products like a banana does.” Cook went on to say that what was formerly known as the Mac line, including products like the MacBook Pro, would now be referred to as the Peel line. The “i” in products like the iPhone, iPod and iPad will now also

JESS TSANG/NATIONAL PAST

An image of a Google astronaut on a mission to make his mark on the sun.

A BRAVE new FRONTIER
BY JIM MONEYBAGS
ultinational corporation Google went multigalactic Tuesday, thanks to a $980 billion buyout of sunsets will be punishable by death and all references to the sun are to be followed with a blood sacrifice to Google CEO Larry Page, preferably AB negative. Although some have criticized the eternal night facing most of the population, Google executive Jackov Alldae said the corporation is doing what’s best for mankind’s interests and “totally not trying to enslave you guys, come on.” Google’s recent purchases of McDonald’s, the Liberal party, Argentina’s drug trade industry and the emotion sadness have been met with critical acclaim so far. The buyout underscores Google’s attempts to break into the celestial body inSee ALIENS on Page FP2

See BANANA on Page FP2

of the sun. The sun, unaffiliated with the shitty Toronto newspaper bearing the same name, is a flaming ball of gas responsible for most life on earth and that awful tan Sarah had last week. After a three-day grace period starting Thursday, contact with direct sunlight will need authorization by Google through a monthly subscription of $3.5 million paid to their new app Google Tyranny. Enjoyment

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NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

F I NA N C I A L pa s t
After a catastrophic crash following the shutdown of the US economy Sept. 30, the Dow Jones is rethinking everything. Wall Street investment banker John Green was the first to notice a change Tuesday, when the Dow stopped displaying stock tickers in green and red, and switched to shades of pink. It was a few hours after this, in a dramatic statement released

financialpast.com

FP2

STOCKS

Dow Jones announces name change to Dow Jane

by Dow spokesperson Michael Frabes that the world’s largest stock exchange announced an official name change to the “Dow Jane.” Lasting effects of this announcement have not been determined, but Mabelene has surpassed both Google and Apple in net worth, in an unprecedented upswing.

CURRENCY

FLAHERTY WARNS NICKEL: “YOU’RE NEXT”
Finance minister bent on annihilating small currency
By Dick Spence
ith the penny abolished, the nickel is the newest annoyance in the pockets of consumers. The beaver better build a dam, because Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has set his sights on the five-centpiece. “People love rounding numbers, it’s a proven fact of consumer psychology,” said Flaherty. “Believe it or not, this is actually what YOU want. You ungrateful bastards.” The impending nixing of the nickel has netted some negative feedback for Flaherty. “This friggin’ suit thinks he’s doin’ the world a favour. But I lost 43 per cent of my daily income after they killed the penny,” said Hobo Slim, 64. “Now this sonofabitch tells me the NICKEL isn’t important enough to stay in circulation? Twenty of those is a dollar, you twat!” For Slim, panhandling is his main source of income. He depends on over-privileged yuppies to take for granted the money they carry around. Analysts expect that this will have a profound impact on the homeless population, as there will be fewer coins to jingle in passing peoples pockets. “Audio-coinal survival is something these people depend on. Without pennies or nickels, not only will they be unable to determine who has change, but people will be less likely to carelessly throw

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money away,” says hobo financial expert Boxcar “Jingles” Jackson. The decision, however, does have some practical application. Analysts predict that this decision will decrease the wait time in Tim Hortons lines by 25-30 per cent. Without nickels and pennies falling out of consumers hands they are able to pay quickly and effiNATALIA BALCERZAK/NATIONAL PAST ciently. After a dramatic speech in Parliament, Flaherty threatened removal of the nickel — by force. “Shorter lines, simpler math and pants that don’t sag or jingle. I’m making commerce efficient and sexy, said Flaherty. “I want everything to end in a zero. Zeros make people feel safe and comfortable in their limited BANANA with the fruit swap though. Continued from Page FP1 knowledge of simple math.” “This is fucking stupid,” Some experts fear the trend Steve Jobs, one of Apple’s will continue until all curbe changed to a “b.” The founders and former CEO, ALIENS rency is done away with and shook their tentacles with iMac, which features both said via séance. Canada is left with those stu- Continued from Page FP1 “These fucking bastards agreement throughout the aspects, will now be known pid chip debit cards. are fucking up everything. announcement. Following the as the bPeel. “Next it’ll be the dime. dustry, which previously was meeting, Google representaSo far, Banana Inc. prod- You can bet your ass I’ll be Poor little guy. Y’know people monopolized by God. His tives bowed to the Thranix- uct users have been support- haunting every single one of throw dimes away because sudden departure several mil- ians, beating their chests and ive of the change. these fucking machines with they’re so small, but they’re lennia ago has left His stars singing praises to “our new “In this moment, I am eu- the dumbass banana logo on worth 10 cents. Ten of ‘em and planets fair game for cor- alien overlords.” phoric,” Banana Inc. fan Brey it,” Jobs said shortly before an and that’s a buck! Poor little porations to bid on. Alldae said the buyout will V. Aryjurk said after the an- exorcist was called in. fella. Probably scared and Microsoft CEO Steve nouncement. “Not because alone right now, shaking and of any phony god’s blessing, Ballmer could not be reached crying wondering when mean but because I am enlight- for comment. A spokesperold Jim Flaherty’s gonna ened by Banana Inc.’s intel- son said he was too busy runcome waltzing in like the grim ligence.” Aryjurk, who owns ning one stage yelling madly reaper,” said Slim. “The sun buyout is a be furthering Google’s pub- 12 PeelBook Pros and three and sweating profusely. When The National Past shrewd move on Google’s lic image with the Thranix- bPhones said the rebranding Since the announcement, asked what the Nickel thought part,” said business analyst ians, famous throughout the was just another example of Banana Inc.’s stocks (BANA) about its predicament, all it Cecil Baldwin. “Solar intake galaxy for extinguishing suns how Banana Inc. is superior have dropped 3,000 per cent had to add was, “Please, dear is essential to survival. Com- in order to enslave weakened to Microsoft. to -$144,909 a share. God, nooooo!” However, this is believed “You don’t see them petitors are already clamour- species. Sources close to the Royal ing for similar star takeovers, When asked if the Thra- changing up their stuff,” to be because many stockCanadian Mint say that the but a transaction of this scale nixians were planning to rule Aryjurk said. “The only thing holders have not yet switched dime has gone into hiding is unprecedented.” over the human race, Alldae I’m sad about is that now I’ll from the company’s old tradafter hearing news about the Google announced the said hostile takeovers have not have to get all my apple tat- ing name (AAPL). Stocks are nickel. buyout at a press meeting been disclosed yet, but added toos covered up with ba- expected to skyrocket when It is currently seeking asy- with ambassadors from the “Hey, you never know. Fin- nanas.” the markets open again tolum in China. Not everyone is happy morrow. planet Thranix, who mostly gers crossed!”

Google’s purchase of sun may lead to an alien invasion

Apple rebranding changes absolutely everything

The sun buyout is a shrewd move on Google’s part

ARTS & LIFE

ON THE PRECIPISS JUSTIN BIEBER’S GOLDEN BUCKET

After peeing in a mop bucket in a restaurant in New York City, Justin Bieber has made American history. The bucket is being made a national monument. Given the newly discovered monetary value of the pop star’s urine, Bieber has received numerous invitations to baptize historical buildings across the world. In his new initiative for gentrification, Harper is hoping the star’s saintly urine will be the key to success. But Walter Grey, a homeless Regent Park man and all-around hobo says Bieber has stolen his act. “I’ve been peeing in buckets for years and here I am. What about me? No one asks me for autographs, they just scold me. He didn’t even do it on the street, weak!” says Grey. “What’s next? Talking to himself? Eating from the trash cans?” The original sacred bucket, currently held by Bieber’s managers, will be raffled off. Four million people are expected to enter. As a prize, the winner will be baptized with the urine by Bieber himself.

WIKIMEDIA COMMONS / NOVVIK2002

O$AP

ROCKY

HAIKU DUEL
In the name of art Young men and women got drunk Took over the town -B.J. Cobbledick Once upon a time I walked upon a dark path There: Gefilte Fish -Aðalmundur Þorvarður

The Toronto rapper on love, loss and gutting the provincial student loans system for all it’s worth
By Ben Popakaplan
In a wide-ranging interview with The National Past, he reflected on which programs and schools affected him most. “The Media, Information and Technoculture program at Western University really changed me, bro,” he says. “I just hope my homies there can get jobs when they graduate.” Mayers’ success has also prompted the creation of the O$AP Mob, a Canadian hip-hop collective of rappers, producers and musicians — all of whom have scammed OSAP. “It’s a bit concerning,” says Rich Mann, director of OSAP. “But on the other hand, they’re doing a lot better than most of our graduates, so they’re probably more likely to pay back their debts.” What’s next for Mayers? The rapper says he was approached by the Ryerson Students’ Union to pen an anthem for their “Drop Fees” campaign. He refused. “The higher the fees, the more money I get from OSAP every year,” says Mayers. “Why the hell would I want them to drop fees?” In fact, Mayers says he’s currently working on a new track, “Fees Forever,” to combat the ever-increasing demand for lower tuitions across the country. “Red shirt, cardboard signs / RSU dropping dimes,” he rhymes on the track. “Y’all don’t know pain / ‘Til you wait in an OSAP line.”

Thanksgiving Weekend MEN’S HOCKEY HOME OPENING WEEKEND Friday, October 11th Men’s Hockey vs. McGill, at 7:30PM Women’s Basketball vs. Guelph, at 6:00PM Saturday, October 12th Men’s Volleyball vs. Canada Masters, at 11AM Men’s Hockey vs. Ottawa, at 2:00PM Women’s Basketball vs. Fraser Valley, at 5PM Sunday, October 13th Men’s Volleyball vs. Eurohaus, at 11AM
Reminder:


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SCENE
BACK TO BASSICS
The lamest member of the modern rock band — the bass player — demands equal treatment nationalpast.com/scene

CONSTRUCTION AHEAD
Miley Cyrus continues “Wrecking Ball” trend with new album dedicated to construction workers nationalpast.com/scene

n the spring of 2007, Hakim Mayers was finally face-to-face with a dilemma he’d ignored for years. Was he going to go to university and try to get a real career or pursue his dream and become a worldrenowned rapper? For Mayers, the answer was both. Now a celebrated artist known as O$AP Rocky, the Toronto-born hip-hop hero credits the Ontario post-secondary system — and, in particular, the Ontario Student Assistance Program (OSAP) — for launching his career. “I basically figured that it was the best of both worlds,” says Mayers, named Hakim after his parents’ successful eyewear chain, Hakim Optical. “My parents paid for me to go to school, and I used the money I got from OSAP to fund my career as a rapper.” Since attending the University of Toronto in 2007, Mayers has found several loopholes that have let him keep the money flowing. In addition to lying about his parents’ income, he’s attended several different universities across the province under different names. His experiences spawned his debut single, “Long Live O$AP,” which follows his rise through Ontario’s postsecondary rap community. Since, he’s released two albums that detail a handful of turkey dumps and failed classes.

Lunchtime Shinny Tuesdays from 12 - 1PM Ryerson Student Free Skate Tuesdays 1 - 2PM Free for Ryerson students with your OneCard

B2 nationalpast.com

ARTS & Life

NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

Wowie David Bowie
On acid, dude...
By Vanessa Farhigh

Cyclists dissolve into dessert drink
Cheers of happiness heard from pedestrians, cabbies and alcoholics alike
By Frappy Wheeler

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ne of England’s most renowned rock stars has finally arrived at the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) — rumour has it he’s been living there. The exhibit, which takes over two floors of the AGO, displays some of Bowie’s most extravagant costumes and artwork — a perfect representation of Bowie-topia. The only way to fully experience the wonder that is David Bowie is to do it on acid. At the entrance to the exhibit stands a headless mannequin wearing a full body suit. Geometric lines form around the silhouette of the ensemble and the pants look like they’ve been inflated with hot air. The mannequin jumps and dances, waving at spectators as they walk by. I think it’s mimicking me. I step to the left, it steps to the left. I wave, it waves back. I do the Macarena, it does the Macarena. I need to get out of here. Upstairs, books hang from the ceiling. They flap their pages, flying around the room like birds. One swoops right by my arm, another zips by my head. The other patrons seem so unaware. I can hear a whisper in my ear. “Ground control to Major Tom?” Bright, colorful photos of Bowie hang on the walls. The colours change before my eyes – from blue, to green, to yellow, to grey. Wait, are those eyes following me? I think he’s in the walls. In a small, dark room, Space Oddity plays while Bowie is shown floating in a most peculiar way on a screen. People ooh and awe, but I can see what’s going on here. He’s studying us. Him and his damned spiders from Mars. Mannequins sporting some of Bowie’s boldest and wildest outfits are placed throughout the upper floor. Every so often, one of the mannequins winks or smiles. They’re watching me. I think they want to take me away into the plane of existence known only as Bowie’s mind. In the final room, massive screens take up every square inch of the wall. David Bowie is everywhere. He’s looking into my soul. I can feel it. David Bowie is in me. I am David Bowie. We are David Bowie! Halfway through his video performance of “Ziggy Stardust,” he steps out of the screen, through the wall, and into the centre of the room. The lights reflect off of his silver glittery costume, making him look like a giant disco ball. He floats towards the ceiling and then disappears — like some sort of magical shooting star sent from the gods. David Bowie has finally come to claim us all.

t began as a regular Monday morning, but as the sun rose to its highest peak and the clock struck noon, all mayhem let loose as every cyclist in Toronto dissolved into a puddle of cappuccino-flavoured rum. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was like watching a scene straight out of The Wizard of Oz,” said fly collector Jeremiah Frullbog as he wiped away a tear with his serpent-like tongue. “They just started melting everywhere and all you smell was this intoxicating fume of burnt espresso as they liquefied onto the ground.”

After the incident, members of the city council were found dressed in neon-coloured space suits as they shimmied the Macarena in Nathan Phillips Square. Some chanting was involved, whereas words sounding like “pumpernickel” and “malarkey” were often used during the alleged celebration. Sources say that the mayor has been planning an attack on cyclists ever since 2012 and that it is very likely tax money was used to fund this act of discrimination. It is also suspected that NASA took part, but no quote can be inserted

into this paragraph as all of its employees have booked a one-way ticket to the moon. Ever since the closure of bike lanes, Rob Ford has received many shipments of jars filled with tears, collected from protestors during their rallies. The mayor took action against them when one of the tear-filled jars exploded onto his lunch; he was forced to eat raw cat food. His old nanny, Mary Poppins, said that Ford as a child had a tendency to seek revenge against people who would mess with his food, whether it was in-

tentional or not. “Robbie-F was always an angry boy. I remember him pouring gasoline onto his guests during his birthday party when they dipped their fingers into the cake’s frosting. I begged his parents to get him help but they assured me he was going through a phase. I knew he wouldn’t grow out of it,” said Poppins. Clean up of the rum was initiated immediately after but by the time that the crews arrived, citizens already did their part and consumed it all. Not a single sober person lurked the streets that night. The following day was then announced as a national hangover holiday.

Graduate Representative Committee

BY-ELECTION
Frozen yoga sends chills across Toronto
Stretching in the freezer. Fuck yeah.
By Chilled Todabone
of tarnishing his precious soup,” said Trinity. “I needed to find a place to do some yoga or I would have lost it on him.” Trinity said that he found doing yoga inside of a freezer to be oddly refreshing. He introduced his method to some of his staff members, and after that, things really took off. “People started just showing up at the restaurant and asking me to lead yoga sessions in my freezer,” said Trinity. “Before I knew it, I was leading eight to 10 sessions per day.” Because of its popularity, Trinity decided to open up two other locations in the city — one at his friend’s restaurant on Yonge Street, and another inside a storage locker that he’s converted into a cold room. He said that come wintertime, he plans on leading larger sessions out in the snow. Like every sport, cold yoga takes selfdiscipline and skill. There are three levels a person can reach while partaking in the activity — red zone, blue zone, or black zone. These levels are based on the colour that a person’s fingers and toes turn during a session. The darker the colour, the more advanced. As for the freezer business, Rob Wilson, head of Toronto Freezers Inc., said that business has never been better. “We’ve never been busier,” said Wilson. “For the past few weeks, we’ve been installing around 20 freezers a day for them crazy yogis.”

A by-election is being held for the DEPUTY CHAIRPERSON EDUCATION
for the Graduate Representative Committee of the Ryerson Students’ Union Graduate Council.

VOTE IN PERSON
at the Student Centre Lobby, 55 Gould Street
Monday, October 7 11am-6pm Tuesday, October 8 10am-6pm Wednesday, October 9 10am-6pm

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oronto yoga enthusiasts and fitness buffs are flocking to walk-in freezers all over the city to try out the newest workout craze – cold yoga. The new trend, which is currently offered though classes at three locations across the city, allows participants to perform different stretches and poses under chilly conditions. Cold yoga can be done in walk-in freezers, and, in the winter months, outdoors in the snow. “It’s a difficult activity, but it’s made me more of a man,” said Xavier Trinity, the founder of cold yoga. “Any guy who is able to execute a perfect downward dog, despite feeling like his balls are going to shrivel up and fall off because of the cold, deserves to be commended.” As a restaurant owner, Trinity deals with frustrating situations on a day-today basis. He has always relied on yoga to help him de-stress, but it wasn’t until recently that he started doing yoga in his freezer. One day during the lunch rush, a customer got upset after finding a mouse carcass in his butternut squash soup and threw the bowl in Trinity’s face. This frustrated Trinity, so he fled to the only peaceful place he could think of — the walk-in freezer. “I couldn’t believe the audacity of this guy, accusing my establishment

To Vote You Need

· OneCard or Valid I.D. and student number · To be enrolled in the School of Graduate Studies
All graduate students at Ryerson are eligible to vote.

More information: cro@rsuonline.ca

NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

ARTS & Life

nationalpast.com

B3

CP wire down; Past panics
The people who give us the news stop feeding their goldfish and puts newspaper into state of emergency
By Christina Aintyogurt
n a catastrophic blow to The National Past, The Canadian Press has announced its wire services will not be available for the next week. The National Past relies heavily on The Canadian Press wires for its content and is essentially screwed until next Wednesday. “Fuck all y’all, I’m flying the entire CP staff to Hawaii for a week,” Canadian Press editor-in-chief Scott White said in an email to Canadian Press clients on Tuesday. “Find your own shit to report on. Good riddance, you news-leeching bastards.” The National Past newsroom was in a state of disorder and disarray after editor-in-chief Stephen Meuquinoa announced the news to reporters. Many Past reporters have not had to leave the newsroom or even pick up a phone since getting hired at The National Past, relying on the thoroughness of Canadian Press wires. In fact, it is standard practice to just rearrange the wire’s paragraphs, add some snarky comments and then add

Fine Dying
Enjoy smelling food or playing with spikes? Read text below

Y
to fill all this goddamn white space on the news page or I’m shipping your ass back to Humber.” This reporter doesn’t really know what else to report on. At this point, this reporter is just writing to fill space because The National Past is really, truly lost without The Canadian Press. What is news? It’s what The Canadian Press gives us. The reporting world is so big and scary without them. How can we tell what’s newsworthy without The Canadian Press telling us? The coffee machine broke down earlier and caused a mini crisis within the growing crisis in the newsroom — is that news-worthy? I mean, that’s more relevant to us than whatever’s happening down in the good U.S. of A. Jeez. What is life? The Canadian Press can probably answer that. Come back to us, CP. Forgive us for all our trespasses. We just want you back. The crisis is expected to be solved when The Canadian Press recommences its wire services next Wednesday. Hallelujah.

By Worst Nightmare
that when a drop of water ran down the glass, she almost burst into tears, fearing that one of us might denounce her to the maitre’d. Our orders were presented from the rolling cart by Pistaccia, who began waving a plate under our hoods, telling us about the Pork Rembrandt artisans who produce the dish. After smelling our fill, we moved to the next plate. After appetizers, we ordered our mains; Tidepoolers from Nova Scotia, sided with Winter Champs and Orange Hopefuls (in season, at last!), while my erstwhile companion decided on Pork Dillingers, Dirt Rockets and West Virgina Coodlers. The sound of camera phones was almost deafening as diner after diner shot and posted their meals in exhaustive detail. In some cases, only one person was dining; the other did nothing more than document the entire meal frame-by-frame. Our mains arrived promptly. After ensuring that we had smelled the plates deeply, our table was cleared and we were presented with the dessert menu, which was two words scratched into a piece of wood. Both of us decided that the Peach Travis sounded like the perfect way to finish our meal. Sided with house-made Oat Gobblers, it is a dessert that reminds us all of life at the orphans’ home.

I

the reporter’s byline to create “original content.” “You mean, like, I’m actually going to have to go out and ask people things?” journalist Mike Rotch cried in dismay. “This is an outrage. What am I, a Carleton graduate?” Other reporters were a little more optimistic about being able to fill their pages with content. “I went on Twitter once to see what was going on. Maybe we could all try that? Guys?” reporter Maya Knorrmusbut said as her colleagues wept and gnashed their teeth. Knorrmusbut was then assailed by fellow journalists for suggesting they’d have to stoop to “such low levels” as “basic reporting” and “finding their own breaking news.” Meuquinoa was not sympathetic to his writers’ plights. “I don’t give a flying fuck if it’s the goddamn apocalypse. You better have some fucking stories on my desk at the end of the day,” Meuquinoa yelled at this reporter. “You go find something

orkville’s gastro–bistro– raunt–bar–popup offers diners the chance to inhale the heavenly scent. The Cabaret Voltaire Sensoria — or CVS, as it’s called on Instagram — is the latest offering from Dorito Eubanks and Tuna Mugabe, the duo who brought us such sublime dining pleasures as RollerBar, the only cocktail bar in the world on a flatbed truck driving up and down the 427. We were ushered into the inner sanctum of CVS. The coatroom attendant, armed with a spiked club, exchanged our coats for woolen cloaks with deep hoods. The overarching theme is blood and iron, with artful sprays of red over every surface, all of which are composed of nothing but jagged, rusty pieces of iron. Service at CVS is attentive, formal, polite and prompt. They enforce this professionalism with their floor staff by giving the masked, be-leathered man (who we subsequently learned is the maitre’d) the power of life and death over the front of house. We were witness to a dropped fork by one of the servers, who was promptly seized by the collar and dragged screaming to an unmarked door and not seen again that night. Our server, Pistaccia, was passionate about ensuring our entire experience was perfect ­ — to the point

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Did you miss this guy? He’s important B1

NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2013

Kim Jong-Un’s incredible stats earn NBA shot
the 2014 remake of Godzilla ­ — also like his father — and forced his staff to become drug addicts... err... also like his father. NBA scouts are calling Jong-Un the “Next best thing since sliced bread,” which is ironic because Jong-un claims he was the one that invented sliced bread. “He can shoot, steal and talk trash. He could be dangerous,” said Toronto Raptors scout Danger Fitzgivens. NBA analysts are still pondering whether he was talking about his JIM SHORTZ / GETTY IMAGES leadership qualities or his on-court Jong-Un joins James Harden and Dwight Howard to form the new Big 3 play.

Like father, like son
DEUCE AUTHOR


SPORTS
NEW CFL TEAM ADDED
Call themselves the Orange Blues

JAYS ADD TESTOSTERONE
Randy Johnson, aka The Big Unit. brought in as pitching coach to help stymie opposing bats

ove aside Dwight Howard, you’ve been duped. The “Kim Jong-Un sweepstakes” are over after the Houston Rockets signed the 30-year-old North Korean dictator to a $17.4 million one-year deal to create their own Big Three with Howard and James Harden, according to NBA analyst Stephen A. Smith. Jong-Un, the son of the late Kim Jong-Il — you know, the guy who once shot a record-breaking 38-under par on a regulation 18 hole course on his first try — averaged 1,555 points per game in the North Korean League, according to North Korean officials. A member from the Guinness Book of World Records denied all claims to all records set by Jong-un. Jong-Un­— a multiple-sport athlete in hockey, basketball and professional wrestling according to North Korean officials — received various offers from NHL teams, including the reigning champion Chicago Blackhawks, after scoring 121 goals and 249 assists in 13 games with the North Korean Storm. “I will pwn you, LeBron,” said JongUn. “I am the greatest of all-time and no one can stop me. Just like papa used to say, ‘If you’re in a position of power, you can make up any record you want.’” Jong-Un was very close to signing with the Montreal Canadiens but best friend Dennis Rodman changed his mind. According to Rodman, Jong-Un has now been teaming up with Bernie Madoff and Charles Manson to train in a secret location in Iceland and he’s been putting in 192 hours a week. The only problem is that very few people have actually seen him play. No video footage of Jong-Un playing any sport exists and none of the supposed teammates that Jong-Un says he played with even exist. Jong-Un, who, like his father was said to be born under a double rainbow, kidnapped two directors to make

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NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013

SPORTS

nationalpast.com

S2

T.O. gets second NHL franchise
New team poised to also let you down
Leafs an additional first-round pick in the 2014, 2015 and 2016 drafts. The Leafs then traded all three to the Boston Bruins for a a two-four of James Ready. Mayor Ford was adamant that Torontonians – even long-time Leafs fans like himself – would be able to root for both teams. Those present were aghast when Ford removed his jacket, revealing a Frankenjersey – an ungodly mixture of two jerseys sewn into one – made up of an entire Leafs jersey and an otherwise blank purple and orange jersey. “This is an incredible day for the city of Toronto. The only thing bigger than Leafs Nation is Ford Nation, and I really hope we can make whatever the hell this new team is called feel just as loved,” said Ford. “Sure, they’ll be terrible, but remember: before you can disappoint in the playoffs, you have to learn to disappoint in the regular season and offseason first.” While there was no mention of what the new team will be called, ESPN hockey analyst and mulleteer Barry Melrose claims that ownership will follow the Toronto Raptors’ route of naming the franchise after a character from recently popular movie, and will brand the team as the “Monkey Mutts,” from “The Hunger Games.” There was a brief period of awkwardness, when Bettman was interrupted during his speech by himself, who after 12 minutes of squaring off, revealed that the original Bettman was actually 72-yearold Canadian crooner Paul Anka.

Ron Gitz-Farrow
he National Hockey League (NHL) announced on Tuesday that the league will add two new expansion teams – Toronto and Seattle – in time for the 2014-15 regular season. Mayor Rob Ford and his brother councillor Doug Ford joined NHL commissioner Gary Bettman at a press conference held at the NHL offices in downtown Toronto. “This is a proud moment for myself, and the entire league to bring another franchise to the great city of Toronto. Toronto fans have never been afraid to voice their displeasure at certain moves I make, and they’ve never been afraid to line our pockets after every lockout either,” said Bettman. “We hope this will be another one of those great partnerships.” While the league has failed to add a second NHL team in the GTA for decades due to the league’s “50 mile rule” – which allows existing franchises to claim a radius of 50 miles from their home arena as their “territory,” and gives them the ability to veto a new team locating there – the league was able to secure the franchise by offering the Toronto Maple

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susanna getty /national past

Aerial view of a massive new island that has popped up in the middle of the ocean, near Pakistan.

“Anything goes” league looks to rival MLB

Giant Bag of Dicks

NSL
Continued from A1 “Today is a great day for sports,” said newly-appointed commissioner Lance Armstrong at a press conference on Tuesday. “Fans want to see the biggest and the best athletes, and that’s what they get with this.” While Armstrong dodged questions about the message being sent

to children, he was frank when asked about the long-term effects of anabolic steroid use. “If players want cannon arms and miniature testicles, so be it,” said Armstrong. “Besides, it will make their dicks look bigger.” Hundreds of steroid users across MLB will now have to decide whether to cross over to the player-friendly NSL. Among those who’ve already made the leap include former MVPs Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun. “I had a pretty good lie going on there,” said Braun, referring to his 2011 MVP season. ”But some nosey journalist just couldn’t let a dead horse lie. Or I guess the horse was sleeping. Or something. What the fuck is that saying, anyway?” Braun, who tested positive for elevated testosterone levels due to steroid use, was initially absolved of

wrong-doing after it was shown that his urine sample had been mishandled (gross) by a FedEx employee. However, a 2013 investigation revealed Braun had in fact, purchased performance-enhancing drugs on numerous occasions from Biogenesis of America dietician Anthony Bosch. “…whatever it is, I just want to play baseball,” said Braun. “And use steroids.” Former home run king Barry Bonds was introduced as the manager of the newly awarded Los Angeles franchise, the Ragers. “While I never used anything illegal in my day, I understand the need for this league. If MLB wants to keep performance-enhancing drugs out, there should be a place for them to go,” said Bonds. “To be honest, I don’t care if players pump their butts with steroids, human growth hormone, or turkey basters — I just want to win.”

Raptors star leaves
NBA rebounds leader takes indefinite leave of absense Hugh P. Ness

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ne day after amassing 56 rebounds to break Wilt Chamberlain’s 52-year-old NBA record, Toronto Raptors’ power forward Philip Seaman has taken a leave of absence. “56 rebounds is a lot,” said Seaman. “It’s taught me that I’m not over my ex and that I’m probably a sex addict.” Raptors head coach Dwane Casey said after Tuesday’s practice that he hopes the leave will allow Seaman to take a load off his back and also work on his passing skills. “He’s got to get the other guys involved in the scoring,” said Casey.

COSTUMES $
TORONTO │239 Yonge St StagShop.com

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ISSUES & IDEAS
nationalpast.com
smiley cyrus / the twerking press

A15

The Post’s best asset is leaving for younger, more supple pastures.

Dethroned
A National Past meeting room chair speaks
Dreyfus Plushington
“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure … than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt hat better epitaph for my dear beloved National Past than the sweet musings of the only man the Founder ever respected. “Almost my intellectual equal” he would muse aloud late at night while dreaming new non-competes ­ — with only myself, his humble chair to overhear. After his Lordship was dethroned by those lick-spittle lackeys the Aspergers, The Past went from triumph to gray twilight. The Past won award after award when it launched, our beauty heralded throughout the land. Sadly we didn’t win any awards for reportage or opinion. However with “intellects” like Azure Pendant (that man has NEVER met a fact) and Rabid Crum (talk about silver spoon) we never had a chance. As Lord Orange’s kingdom began to feel the rapacious claws of the Security Exchange Comission, the good Lord realized what he must do. With a tear in his eye and a stone in his heart he sold to the Aspergers. The Aspergers ran my beloved paper into the ground. It was no longer a newspaper, only an “organ”, which they used for a dogmatic battle to

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the death against democracy and pluralism in that fair country across the Mediterranean. As the Aspergers bought more of the stock, there was less and less. The Past is no more in atlantic Canada and 5 years ago we bid adieu to Manitoba and Saskatchewan. To pay salaries I have been sold at a fundraiser. Goodbye – a few words: To Baron Orange, your unholy bottom is not only a sore sight for sore eyes, but it oozes an evil sense of medieval entitlement that make Senator Walletin look like a selfless monk. To Crustie Blechword, your buttocks are drenched in red wine – which sometimes makes me intoxicated enough to undertake the task of reading your wacky columns. Never the ones on Afghanistan though. To everyone at The Financial Past, most of you are nice but all of you fart in your chairs, according to more than a couple of my furniture colleagues in your department who wish to remain anonymous to avoid your reeking retribution. To those at Past Arcade, puberty will eventually find you and it shall be painful – much like reading one of Blechword’s columns. God speed and never use the phrase ‘level up’ outside of your office. To those of you in arts, life, sports, homes and driving sections you did not sit on me often but when you did, I hated it. To Stevie Murky, you are a beautiful man and your job security is your sexiest asset. Thanks for following me on Twitter. And finally to his excellency Andy Coin, your ass was the most confus-

ing of all. Through my seemingly eternal stint at the Past, you and I engaged in many meaningful arguments. On topics as diverse as U.S. Economics, Canadian Senate reform and abolition, Don Cherry’s left nostril and of course the Quebec Charter of Values. We had a special relationship Mr. Coin, one that can only exist between an argumentative ass – that is your bottom – and the chair that holds it. Yet, you betrayed me. On the day of the “Any Chair for $5 Sale”, you did not seek me out to wish me a farewell. The thought of leaving you and your rhetorically sound bum was the only wave of sadness in my sea of elation. For as pleased as I am to be free of the remnants of The Past, I shall miss you. But I hold butts, Mr. Coin, not grudges and I will always remember our time. Now I seek the greener pastures of Kanada.com. Where I’m sure they will pop a kitten on me and make me a viral sensation. Because these days it is all about being a viral sensation. Hip-hip-hooray.
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Solving the United States’ money woes, commie style
America ought to listen to the motherland

hen Washington, D.C. finally turned out the lights and said, “good night,” I knew it was time to move forward. One of my homeboy philosophers, Karl, had this great idea. He was like, “My cow is your cow. My cabbage is your cabbage. We have communal liquor pool.” And like, most of Europe agreed that this was a good idea. Well, you know what? The states should do the same. They should stop being so damn greedy. Instead of 50 states, they should just have one. And who needs Alaska, it’s not like there’s anything useful up there. Just give it away. Maybe there’s still

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Ivanna Getwastedtoniv

an exchange policy on it? I’m pretty sure there’s no exchange policy left on this vodka I took from my neighbour’s house. But, it’s okay. I’m trying to be an activist by provisioning this movement. See, his vodka is now our vodka. Well... my vodka. Those Russians knew what they were doing. They didn’t give a fuck. They were all happy, with their communal liquor pool. Right? I’m happy, right? My wife didn’t just leave me. She didn’t take the dog. I’m not missing mortgage payments. I’m all alone, god damn it. It’s just me and my neighbour’s bottle of vodka. My vodka. Ours. We’re starting a revolution. We’ll call it socialism or something.

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NATIONAL PAST, WEDNESDAY, OCT. 9, 2013