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I AM AWAKE
Today she woke up for the first time. As though until now, the world has been a graveyard of half conceived shadows. As if until now she has known nothing and been nothing. As if it could be permissible to exist in such small moments of consciousness. In front of her there stood a door. It beckoned as strongly as the idea of the future. Like the abandonment of the past. She reached toward it in the dark. er hand appeared so white. !ingers like tentacles glowing in the deepest ocean. They probed a thick heavy ob"ect evaporating into every historical sensation already culminating in her understanding of it, long ago faded, no longer new, never touched before. This door. The new door. The door she opened every time she awoke. It demarcated each scene of her lived life. ###eeeaahhhh It creaked, Eeeaaaaaahhhhh. Shrilly aloud in the darkness. Eeeeaaaahhhhhh. $hat would it reveal% She opened the door.
KALEIDOSCOPE – BEADS OF SWEAT SLIDE DOWN THE M SCIAN!S FO"EHEAD A silhouette flickered against a T& screen. ' s(uinted her eyes. It was her mother, shuffling cards on an old laptop. As she had done every evening, draining seconds into solitaire hopeful that somewhere between new games a year would pass by unnoticed. er round face pale and blank and always growing older, older, older. The door closes and it all fades away into darkness. Like peace. Like oblivion. Like deep black sleep she has no conception of. Like a sparkler hissing under the sky. ' sits down at the kitchen table with her coat still on. er fingers are all she feels in the frigid room. And outside its dimly lit walls nothing else exists.
*+iss* She laid down a plate of grilled pork. *$hat did you do today%* *,ust the usual. Tidied up, gardening.* *-id you go out%* *.o, not today. ow was work%* *Same as yesterday.* The T& fills their silence. *Thanks mum,* ' kisses her at the temple, *$ant some tea%* The memory is eaten up by a thousand invading doors that open and shut mercilessly. Their hungry polished surfaces reflect every angle of the unseen world and suddenly snap shut. $hich door were they behind% ow many will I open to find you% $here are you% $here did you go% $here are you% $here did you go% $here% $here are you% $here did you go% $here% $here are you% $here did you go% $here% Eeeaaaaaahhhhh Lambs chase crows into the air. Their hooves flick the sun as a bus driver races to the end of his shift. Around ' old woman cling to their seats, crossing themselves. They follow country roads along yellow fields to a place where gorse bushes peer over wooden fences singing birdsongs. appy, sad, detached. $hatever you feel, where everything combines. ere. Twilight glistens in the distance, between waves and handfuls of sand. A light house spins round and round leading you home. And tree tops brush by. And headlights fade into stars that glow over the history of your life. $hich has passed. /ass by like dream clouds over your frail naked body convulsing in the darkness. Above you the sky falls down in shards of shooting ecstasy and light. 0linding terrible light slowly disintegrating, no longer illuminating. !aces surround you twisted by a horror you don1t remember but understand. $ith the life no disease can ease though it is a diseased life. Like eyes struck out. Like a bird choking on a fishing line. Its huge wings flap. They beat the air like thunder. !lap flap flap. Stricken by desperation. 0y a fishing hook it has never tasted before and can1t e"ect.
0ig white wings flap the air. And my hair flaps in the air. Eeeaaaaaahhhhh A door opens. She looks over her shoulder and the moon uncovers itself on the side of her face. 3heeks silhouetted against by night sky, her skin gleaming 4I love you5. And it is the same between convulsions of her chest, as laughter "ingles in the air like glittering notes, 4I love you65. She holds out the words so proudly. Their ink dripping slowly down her fingers. She crawls on hands and knees, spine arching and contracting, wet hair trailing the ground. eavy words bleed from her, infiltrating the atmosphere. They have not come into existence yet, but how loudly they echo. 7ut and out and out and out. 8ntil she can1t remember what they were. Those words9 Eeeaaaaaahhhhh !ingers stretch in the sunshine, heat glimmers along the creases of skirts that suddenly unfurl everywhere. As if the whole city has forgotten the cold and the dark and the brief moments of respite huddled against a bus window. -espite the starless nights and how bitterly the wind had howled. It is a strange faith, forged in innocent years. 0efore thoughts and ob"ects distinguish themselves
from the pleroma. $hen your eyes peer up from so close to the ground. $armth spread to parts of her skin brushed by the arrival of this prodigal sun. er body rose of its own accord following streets toward the :illennium 0ridge. $here throngs of people glide by swaying together. As if London heaves a great sigh of relief. !looding every unhappiness and madness of winter into the Thames oinking and s(uealing like 2;;; pigs over a cliff. 0arely clear of a sky hanging so low it seems the vacuum beyond has increased. Spring is here. She passes a string (uartet busking on stools, instruments gleaming between their knees. She often found them here. !aces red and slick with sweat. As if galloping harder and faster under the might of a demented rider. Spectators stop and cock their heads or nod. -ropping coins that sparkle in the sky like dice from mount 7lympus. She moves on, among the people. #yes touch ' faintly as a ghost drifting through the material world. Their bodies merge for an instance of completion before rupture. She walks along the bank, overflowing in love for no one but the universe in total. S nt from a place where the world will always be as beautiful as it seems today. !or which she could give up everything, as if this is all there is.
THE MOST BEA TIF L THIN# I HA$E E$E" SEEN – IN THE SILENT CIT% I woke up today, for the first time. And opened the door. 0ehind it a fat woman stands against a red brick wall. She glows. #xpansive and luminous, like a planet. Like the sun. $ide, round. 0arely conscious of her own <
body. It is strangely beautiful = how much she gasps and sweats, and faintly brushes her forehead. ow mesmeri>ing the bricks are orbiting her. They reflect light onto her body, which she sends out into the world in beams and bolts that waver between ripples of sea water like the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. !loating deep underwater, submerged in the sky behind a closed door. The past sweeps through me like the glory of ?od. 7f my life so far. $ith the might of every memory held deeply enough to shape the plain of tomorrow. And we watch it go by. Like light moving across the empty seats of my bus. Like leaves glowing above a street lamp, at )am. Illuminating sudden,unexpected moments of beauty. They exist for only as long as I look. The face of this woman enthroned over her holy mass. 0ut until her= leagues and depths and ghosts of shipwrecks. 0lack sadistic chaos. *$e1ll talk again, soon= yeah%5 *It1s my money6*
*$e1re getting married.* *#very time I see you you1ve changed your mind.5 *Some people have tendencies towards certain behaviours based on a convergence of previous experience.5 *The difference between natural and man made environments.5 *The women who adapt themselves to a theoretical valuation of their sex as a relative impersonality95
*$e1re still so young.*
*:y brother=in=law1s church.* *There1s no need for ?od9 except maybe, for beauty.* *The $ord.* 9:y word9 meaninglessness9 except, #verything. Eeeaaaaaahhhhh #xcept my poor body shaking in the elements. And the trails of my voice, like feathers floating away. Like consciousness in flashes of light. Like all desire and ambition and identity prostrated beneath the weight of the synthesis of the world. Suffering, pleasure, "oy, despair, torture, beauty. :ovement without thought. Love ever expanding, never beginning. $hich you only "oined, became an expression of. A voice in the silence. Though the whole city is so silent now. So bereft of the meaning it once evoked.
$hen every corner and each gutter was animated with memories of how they felt, what you had felt, cherishing them all. 8nder the twinkling sky. 8nder the sky twinkling in windows that blink above you, far far below in these narrow winding streets. So full. So loved. So well remembered. -isappearing through your fingers. Aour fingers reaching out in the darkness, for a door you cannot open. And catching no hold, no snag onto earth, slowly you are caught up in the wind that floats higher, further, fainter away. There is no turning back. 0ehind me there is a world I will never see. All perception all reality ends at the peripheries of my vision. *$hy do we stay here%5 ' would ask the ceiling. *$here else can we go* *Anywhere9 nothing keeps us here.* * ere we have "obs.*
*,obs we hate.* *7k9 tell me where we will go.5 She would describe somewhere far away. $here strange creatures come out of hiding to observe them, so rarely are human beings seen. $here the sky and the sea merge in the distance clear as a mirror. $here the earth is so virginal that if one were to run their hand through the ground gold would fall through her fingers. They would live in a white cottage with two rooms and an outhouse.
*$ill we love each other more there%*
e would ask sleepily.
*:aybe when we1re old and look back, we1ll think we did.5
MO$EMENT ONTO E&ISTENCE Suddenly I woke up from a great, long slumber. $ords drifted to me from deep dreams, my mouth s(uirmed trying to articulate them9 though I could barely remember. Bemember, remember, remember9. what were they% These words9 *To "ust be95 Limitless. !lying high to tiptoes, twirling under a ceiling that piano chords drift through. Light blinks between her waving arms. It flashes against a mantle mirror in chimes and twinkles.. The music began at );am every day, scales ringing up and down slowly blossoming into the same optimistic tune her neighbour practiced.
An idea revealed from the distant universe between its composer1s ears, transmuted by her .eighbor=Living=Above1s fingers and finally reali>ed in '1s fluttering limbs. !rom darkness to darkness it flows between them, never knowing light except for "oy. #xcept for the sun1s reflection between her arms, caught by a flashing mantle mirror someone idly notices through the window. *To "ust be95 As still as her mind hovering over arms and legs galloping through the night. Along a milky=way of street lamps overflowing at each patter of her flying feet. Tap tap tap the steps ring, tap tap tap. /ounding with beauty and inspiration no one has ever seen, yet capable of stirring a soul hitherto non=existent. That suddenly looks through your face, astounded at its own existence. She ran in the evening. Through the cool absence of the sun around winding streets whose corners stretch into dense shadow forests. Into a murky world of vague ob"ects contorted in the darkness. .ew faces they wore though she knew them all by smell, scent, by sound. 0y the barely perceptible erection of her arm hair. And suddenly she ran through years ago, when years ago, she had stumbled through these same streets. *To "ust be happy.* 4Are you ok%5 /assers by had in(uired nervously. She nodded her head, and stumbled onward. $asn1t it this bench% Aou had sat on for two hours% $asn1t it this bus stop, you leaned on waiting for the bus that would take you somewhere, safe and carefree% She ran past them all, far away into the night. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap against a door that opens into paradise. Tap tap tap away from growing darkness consuming everything until even the present seems meaningless and strange. *-id that really happen, to me%* A face asks in the dark, 4To me%5 *To me%* It ricochets from universe to universe, in search, *To me%*
LI$E !ade !ade !ade away into deep sleep.
THE 'T" TH! – CLOTHED B% THE BI"DS D
I woke up, this time for the first time. 8ntil now I have never known worry, stress, fear, desperation. I have never known the truth. Though now the truth is in possession. The truth is given tome from the sky and upon the ground I tread. $hich carries me safely onward. Toward what% Toward where% Toward nothing% Toward the truth. The truth is that I will go cra>y. I feel it already. It is my reflection in a mirror glowing at the bottom of the stairs. In the miles from my doorstep to night=time. $here I cower in the bathtub pressing the memory of warm water against my mind, as everything else and everything around me slips away. Toward what% Toward where% Toward nothing% Toward the truth. ow far should she go% ow long in pursuit% ow many more steps% !oot after foot through the cold wet night, on and on and on and on and on and on and. Toward something so close, so nearby it faintly brushed against her face. leading her through the dark and the wet. Toward somewhere, "ust out of reach. 0ut somewhere that must exist. Toward what% Toward where% Toward nothing% Toward the truth. Its fragrance wafted down through unkind roads. 0etween the hours and cafes ' drifted through assuring her of everything except what she could not remember. Toward what% Toward where% Toward the truth. Toward nothing. The truth is that I am cra>y. I can1t remember anything. The truth leads me onward, toward what% Toward where% Toward my destiny. Though I have no9 Though I am not an artist. Though I am not a dancer. Though I am no philosopher. $as I a daughter% I must have been9 Though I am only a memory, floating in the wind. A silky little body writhing and rippling. #xpelling light se(uences onto the ground. They glisten against '1s skin. They fall onto her mouth and illuminate the words she speaks, *I have woken up, finally.* *-id you sleep well%* *$as I sleeping% 7r was I dead%* *Aou were sitting "ust here, talking with me.* $as I% I can1t remember9*
She fell through a door, through cities, past people clambering up and down stairs, away from this strange heavy voice, away from the truth. Toward something. Toward what% Toward where% Their house glowed in the summer1s day like a brass tooth. er mother had painted it gold. It dribbled secrets only the birds knew and invading mice heard. The ever watchful sea. That bus drivers and neighbours might have an inkling of, by now. Their strange golden house and their strange elvish family. Inside mother would sit, shuffling solitaire cards. Bound face pale and blank growing older, older, older. She sat inside, shuffling solitare cards. -raped in robes, they swallowed her in folds swishing from side to side radiating every angle of star light. She floated along the ground with sudden scurries, small white hands wringing air. !ace white as the moon enthroned in the empty sky above the inconstant sea where your reflection lives. Lips like two bloody beads, parted but ever silent. .ever speaking. !ull of words still strange to the materialworld. Like 40leaekaguhga5.
Like 4Agaaaa "aoul "ga5. Like 4/oiaw
Like the straight white trail through her thick black hair. *$hy do we stay here%* ' would ask the ceiling. *$here else can we go%* *Anywhere9 nothing keeps us here.* * ere you have a "ob.* *A "ob I hate.* *$e also have the house.* *This house is your cage.* er mother1s mouth tightened, 4.o. This house is my heart.5
AS IF *$hy are the children screaming%* *-on1t you remember%* F
*9.o* She should have remembered something. She was supposed to know anything. Though all she knew was the blue sky pressing down against her skin and all the dandelions drifting from the woods toward the sea. Trees groaned as wind rubbed between their gnarled trunks, creaking back and forth, moving the inch that would change the course of their destiny into the sky for hundred of years to come. She stretched out her arm in the sunlight, flexing her wrist. As if this was all there is. All there should be. As if innocence had been restored and she had finally woken up.*$hat should I remember%* *$e saw children floating on a rubber dingy in the sea. A seal was circling them and every time it raised its head they screamed.* *Are they safe%* *Aes, very. They are close to the shore and the water is calm.* *$hat about the seal%* *It1s having fun. So are they.* *Aes, I see9 Aren1t they my brothers and I% The seal is only a pup, she will get stranded when the tide goes out and we will sing her lullabies9$hat else should I remember%* *9:e.* She looked up into the sun. #verything faded away into bright white light spreading through her body like consciousness for the first time. *Aes, but9who are you% I know your face according to the lines my fingers have traced around it9and I still dream of you 9Sometimes so vividly the absence of my misery burns like the emptiness of my bed. Like the distance from this world to that. To there. $hatever we were. ,oined mysteriously in an empty room, listening to the laughter of children drift through my open window 90ut I don1t remember the past. It has left me like the winter or the spring, or the summer and the autumn.5 I don1t remember anything more then my body1s feelings. Twirling under a ceiling piano chords drift through. As if all power of existence surges with me. It makes me dance over the shadows of my own lived life. Left and right and round and round amid dandelion stalks glowing like rainbow drops. ' looks over her shoulder and the sun uncovers itself on the side of her face. 3heekbones silhouetted against the blue sky, skin gleaming. Laughter "ingles in the air like glittering notes. Strange words bleed from her, infiltrating the atmosphere. They have not come into existence yet, but shine so brightly in her face. *euuu til liliil* *arrrrrghuuah* G
*loooooooo ila te uuubbet* *ma ma am mma atu* 8ntil finally, in the sunshine and by the woods on the shore they erupt Hseeping through her clothes and from her head like perfumed oil. 7verflowing in offering to no one but the universe in total. Sent from a place where the world will always be as beautiful as it seems today. !or which she could give up everything, as if this is all there is.
A CON$E"SATION WITH THE E&TE"NAL *$hen I am sleeping does the world still exist%* *$hy not%* *9Aes, I think it does. I am sure it continues without me, because sometimes I remember things that have changed by the time I wake up.* *-on1t worry about the change for now. $hat1s important is that you are beginning to remember.* *I agree. 0ut it1s confusing when the things I remember have changed, and then I1m not sure if I haven1t made them up. I want to accept the uncertainty, but it fills me with fear.* *Are you always afraid%* *I am sure it is the unifying trait of my existence.* *Are you aware of this continuity%* *$hen I am sleeping does the world still exist%* *I believe it does.* *Sometimes I think if I had my memory I could be sure. 0ut perhaps memory would "ust been an amplified version of my present state. And even if I knew more, I would not be closer to the truth. In fact, maybe truth is as minute and compressed as my memory.* *3ould it be big enough to account for the whole world then%* *If in eternity fractions are unintelligible9 then yes, it could.* *Is your memory enough then%* She smiled, 4It is enough to fill me with happiness for as long as I can remember.5 *I am happy for you.* *$hen I am sleeping does the world still exist%* */erhaps you haven1t been sleeping%* );
*$here have I been then%* */erhaps you have disappeared into a tiny truth.* *Is the truth happy%* *Aes, I believe she was.* *$ill I ever know the truth without memory%* *$hy do you believe so strongly in truth%* *I always feel that there is something missing9 Something so close that eludes me. Something I can1t remember9* *0ut you have seen all your photos of the past. Aou have access to any information you need.* *All that1s "ust a description. It isn1t the essence.* *Is the essence here, now%* *$hen I am sleeping does the world still exist%* *:aybe it1s only important that it exists for you.* *.o9 I am sure the world continues without me. Sometimes I remember things that are different by the time I1ve woken up.*
WHEAT SHEA$ES SWA%IN# BELOW THE APOCOL%PSE *-o you remember the stars%* *Aes. I remember the moon engraved in the sky like my distant love. #verything yet conceived between us glimmering in the black sea below. As bright, as white as the truth. And all the stars falling from the sky the night I believed in ?od. The hori>on was red as my beating heart. The night I believed in ?od.5 Eeeaaaaaahhhhh *If you look back far enough will you find what you are looking for%* She bit her lip and spread her fingers on the table, 5$hat I am looking for is right here. Life. Air. 3onsciousness streaming to my toes and through my body. The past is a technicality. ,ust technology. .o more then social media. A network of relationships defining me. The past to present. Aesterday to today. $here I am located in relation to last week. :y geographic position in the "ourney of history. ,ust stop.5 She stopped at the top of the hill. 7verlooking far below and all around lights glimmering like stars pinging between electronic notes. Like sheaves of wheat swaying to and fro. 0ut it all corrodes away. Sinks into9 ))
Eeeaaaaaahhhhh Eeeeeaaaaaahhhh Aaaaaahhhhh
Ahh(((()))) a o* il aaaaah hhh(((((() ))) +ae,oai li adilil))))))) aaaaiii oo ooo-h oh-hga il +i ))))) ooo***... .o .o. a. .a .o..o.Il a-h eda +eta /alo.a(h) ei ee eaaaahhhhhhh Binging in the skies. Above London. Above the world. Above everyone around me. A word
still strange to the material world. Bising up, still unspoken. 8nremembered. .ew. er hand reaches toward the door9 Eeeaaaaaahhhhh
A POEM – IN P "S IT OF CONSCIO SNESS – THE C"EAT "E AWAKES I have woken up. I am awake. I have woken up. !inally, I am awake. I cannot remember any of that. .ow I am awake. ave I been awake before% I am really awake now, for the first time. I feel as though I have finally woken from a long deathly slumber.
ow many times have I felt this% !inally awake. 3onscious for first time. If you fall asleep again, remember you feel truly awake now. !inally awake. I have woken up. I feel as if I have been sleeping until now. I am awake now. $hat was I before% I don1t remember any of that. I will not remember this either, but I am awake. ave I always been awake% 3ould this all be true% -o I keep waking up, for the first time% The creature sleeps, then awakes. Then awakes. Then awakes. I have Awakeyened. Ihave wokenup for the first timmmmmaile 8ntil now I have never il asht camed folo9+oo il woken upppaa Ada clairila ava aaah folow sho ila ed uppp pp.Ililili maloush aaaahhhcavar AAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh #eeaaaaaahhhhh #eeaaaaaahhhhh #eeaaaaaahhhhh #eeaaaaaahhhhh onto ontoadad"il ilma lila asss h hala wal il avat adassssh.ava9a9i9.9 9..99.. 9999 9.. 9 . 99
9999 99 .. 9 .9
THE DA% OF "EALI0ATION
It began on a $ednesday afternoon. 7r, no more a $ednesday then a :onday or Sunday. /erhaps a nice song played in the cafe. /erhaps in the corner two strange girls wore the same strange stripped sweater like the laws of physics were unraveling in public. /erhaps the evening before someone had shone a red light into 'Is face, along the dark road home. 0ut in light of this afternoonIs anonymity one could argue that actually, it had all begun before. Long before she even noticed what day it was. A blue eye caught her ga>e through round glasses, a white chord crept down someoneIs black "umper, Italians inundated the streets, hair gleamed like glass, the door was so far away, she was hungry.... all these things and in their midst, the important thing slipping away... what day was it% If she were to name this day something new and truthful, the first of its kind born onto earth, what would it be called%
The -ay of Beali>ation.
She reali>ed strolling down the street like the star of the sky, as her steps burned all around the city trickling secrets into the wind. They returned, transformed and silent. /ing A helicopter seed fell on her head. /ing A dandelion alighted on her shoulder. /ing A butterfly flew overhead. /ing A feather brushed her face. /ing /ing )@
/ing And thus she reali>ed. /ing .othing had ever left her. 7nly transformed and transmuted to strange silent visitors that replenished her soul. !alling from above, standing in her way. She was beautified by the sky and the earth, every encircling line and newly conceived void. !illed up, over flowing, hysterically happy. Like a smile struck from nowhere, in sleep, in meditation, below flashing restaurant signs. 0eside looming buses beneath blank cannibalistic faces painted to their windows. 7r more, like a sentence without grammar. A paragraph without tense without sense. As a word free floating in the atmosphere. $ould it be permissible to crumple pages of paper against her body along her crevices, inside her skin, and from their great sculptured chapters write happiness. 8ndifferentiated. Indistinct. !rom which nothing had ever left. 7nly manifested in expressions of '. The rounds of her shoes gleaming against the soggy pavement. A hurried clasp lent in the headlights of a bus. Beali>ing you remained in the cafe to listen to music. An abyss of impressions that were supposed to culminate in something intelligible. /ing She opened her mouth and spoke words like the vacuum space expands into. They shook and shattered into countless fragmentsJ /ing 4Aou have gone mad.5 4I have%5 4.othing you say makes sense.5 4$hy not%5 4Aou can1t "ust make things up... words have meanings...5 She laughed, 4-o they% I Thought they were "ust pearls glistening on the wind. And every time I caressed my fingers along them they made the sweetest clearest sound...5 /ing 7n the -ay of Beali>ation. )C
/ing That the crimson sky is darkening and its luster burns more brightly the closer to H /ing 4:adame, excuse me%5 4Aes%5 4Aour card has been re"ected...5 is accent rolled heavily through her awareness, with great long Keeees1 and Kssseeeayyys1 issuing from lips with the power of the apocalypse. 0ringing everything to completion in their end. Eeeaaaaaahhhhh 4$hat... sorry H I... sorry... I, I= can1t remember...5
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