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I was convinced that everything this year would have been different from last year. Sure there were some differences but none of them were really as noticeable as maybe they should’ve been. It always appeared to me that everything that pretty much seemed the same because most of the time the changes were always over looked. What really stayed the same from the year before was all the negativity that everyone holds by their sides like they have need for some sort of protection against the world. I never understood the reasoning to be as negative as some people are to just everyone. It was always a wonder to me. Sometimes I wish I could find out why people do what they do to protect themselves from an unarmed opponent. I first experienced what it felt like to have rocks thrown through my glass windows when I was in my Second Period class. Second Period for me was my A.P. Language class, where most of the kids in the class knew each other from last year’s Honors class. I didn’t have the same relationship with anyone in that class that they all had previous to this class. Therefore I felt like an outcast to the population. I always felt that way whenever I talked to the Honors teacher. I always felt like I was a lower branch on the tree, a lower class of human. It was pathetic, because I had no understanding to why I reacted like that. It is a sad thing when a person doesn’t understand why they do the things they do, or the reasoning behind it either. I remember that it was when I was told to “shut the hell up” by another student for no absolute reason. I understand telling someone that they should “shut up” but to tell someone to “shut the hell up” is more of a personal level with the person that is of aggravation. It was said on such a personal level. It wasn’t because I was wrong, because if that were the issue, someone could or would’ve corrected me in a more orderly fashion. I remember specifically that it was simply because she thought of me as “annoying” and that I “asked stupid questions”. From what I was taught by the teachers I have always had known that there wasn’t such a thing as a “stupid question”. I couldn’t stand the feeling of being revolted against when I had tried to make amends with this person. It was Advisory class and I had offered her a bit of a Herseys Chocolate Bar to calm the fire, but, it was thrown back into my face. It wasn’t just your average “no”; it was a verbal slap in the face. At that point, my most common friend that appeared on the perfect cues, Mr. Depression came in on a red carpet just to help me. In a failed attempt at making friends, I slowed my walk back to my desk, holding back all the mean things I could’ve said in the heat of my furry. The quote that stuck in my head that I couldn’t ever get tired of was: “They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone, But for what we've become, we just feel more alone..” by Fall Out Boy Taken from the song I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me. It made total sense to me, because as I’ve been called all these things between good and bad, I still feel alone in a lot of the world. It’s almost like everything I did always had a response so Pavlovian to the next. I always tried to feel a different feeling for every person that said I was a “good person”. I appreciated it and I believed them, but I didn’t know how to react to it. I’d rather be the one giving the complements to the people giving them to me.
Like I said before, I feel like everything is pretty much the same. It’s all so constant. There’s never anything new to my day’s schedule. I never seem to have anything new precedent or preliminary to my days. They are seriously and sincerely, the same thing every day. School has become farthest from enjoyable. I’m dying to meet new people and explore new things outside of this little town. It almost feels like this town is so invisible to the rest of the world like the lonely tree in a big city sidewalk, except my town doesn’t have any large roots. I miss everyone, I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve talked to my friend Nicole, even though it was just the other weekend she came over. I will never get tired of her, between just all the lonely silences and the reckless ambience of just the sound of the car or the music in the car, I love it all. She came over and we played my Playstation 3. We played a video game called LittleBig Planet, which to me, is one of the most aspiring games a person will see grow on the market shelves. But, the video game had not sufficed enough, as our eyes met each other’s lips and the feelings that I’ve been holding back finally jet through my blockade of concealment. It was then, that moment, that time froze, and everything stopped except for the two of us. We kissed. I kissed her and she kissed me back. It all fell into place. I missed the taste of her lips. I never got over that taste from Homecoming, way back when in October. After that, never again were any of the times with any other girl comparable. I tried to hide it from the rest of the crowd, but the feelings I felt inside were true. I supported her as a friend and tried to give the best advice someone in high school could give. I was there for her; I was also there for my friend Thomas, who really liked her. I wouldn’t ever take her away from him. I never planned that. I found out that Thomas and I were for the same purpose with Nicole, except that I decided to drop out of the race early on. From there, I watched from the benches and sat back in the beautiful park to watch the tides of the beach become vigorous and high. It was indeed a rough road for me, but I came to help Thomas, and I also wanted to make peace with Chris. The triangle between all three of us with Nicole in the middle became a simple Line with two points. I was off of that grid. It was between Chris, Thomas & Nicole. I remember the time when I first told her “I love you”. I felt so special and there was joy. It was Summer time, close to my birthday when Nicole and I first started talking. It was originally over Myspace. It started with the message I received in my mailbox: “You don’t come off like the type of guy to like the movie The Notebook.” After that message and my reply it snowballed. I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t stop, and I shouldn’t have ever stopped. A few messages later, we exchanged numbers, and began sending text messages almost instantly. The one thing that really stabbed me, that really shot my dreams was that this last year was her last year at high school and now she was on to college all the way up in Lacey. That week that we talked was her last week and she had invited me to a going away party that her friends were throwing for her. Unfortunately, with the restrictions that my parents had provided for me, there was no way I was able to go. There’s something really demeaning to that. When I wanted to go to that party to say my goodbye and wish her off, but I couldn’t go. I think it was almost heartbreaking to me, considering that my glass heart has been dropped plenty of times for it to be an unusual emotion to me. Instead, a few days before the party, she came to see me and we went out for ice cream at Basken Robbins. I remember I couldn’t finish it all, I still laugh at that when I think about it like this. I had gotten a World Class Chocolate ice cream scoop put in a Waffle Cone, which is the largest cone they have, but also the most stable one they have. Sugar Cones never did the job. They always made me feel on edge like the ice cream was going to fall off. I sat down with her at a table. It had been so long since I had seen her. She had a whole new look and the outfit she wore shown her pretty luminous green eyes.
I almost remember I was poised in the state of complete incredulous; I couldn’t come to see that it was her. She looked so much different and grown up. I looked so much the same and completely unchanged. I felt out of place sitting there with a person who is so beautiful and she sitting with a person that looked so young and scruffy. I was set to utter broken words of “How have you been?” These words come to me now in this time as sadness. I feel like breaking down sometimes thinking about how everything was and looking at how things are now. I believed that she loved me, despite the times that it seemed that she didn’t, I believe she did. Sometimes I look back on it all and say, “if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t know some of the people I met afterwards. The people that changed my views of love, between good and bad.” I wish that the love lasted a little longer and became more of a spectacular feeling. Sadly enough, everything good always has an end, but the ending always seems to have a beginning to something either better or completely different. There’s nothing I could ever take back, as much as I’ve wanted to during the times of depression and hatred, as I wanted to erase the memories of these events, I couldn’t. I felt so depressed thinking that. I felt like I should cry of despair. There was only few times I actually made myself cry and these times were that of looking at myself and realizing how shitty of decisions I have made, or possibly the feeling like I’ve hurt someone else, of course, depending on the person it was and my relationship with them, was what determined my care for what I said. I began to really start crying as I thought about these times. How so much has had a change, and how I remember the way people used to be during Summer time. I’ve grown nostalgic. I feel as if that time in its own self has become my biggest enemy. Like, Time as a person, if it were a person, has taken all of my friends, dear loved ones and crumbled them away like clay under the scalpel’s edge. I want it all back. I want it all back so badly. They say that Time is like an hourglass full of sand, what happens when that hourglass cracks open and all sand comes flowing and gushing out in clumps? I am riddled to Time’s very existence, how one time period is parallel to the other, that all of them are in lines that will never meet. I always wondered about these things and never found the answers to them. It’s become a habit of mine to have wonders that I don’t try hard enough to find answers to. Everything I love and loved so entirely much has floated away down the stream. If I haven’t already told you about my Homecoming story then, I believe that’s what I have to tell now. It was along the first month of the school, September, good old September stepping in for August’s place. The first day of school became “The Comeback”. The name came to me instantly as I remember the first feeling I had walking through those hallways once again. Another year coming by and flowing by. And as every single look had taken place, every memory I had came to me-just snuck their way in through the backdoor of my mind. I remember all the places where we used to sit as all friends, where I used to sit. Sadly enough, now that I look at those spots, they are all empty. None of them gave even the evidence of that people, my friends, had been there. The air outside was all so foggy, yes the AIR was foggy. It felt like all the air I breathed had knots and ties in them. I don’t think I can ever simply say the air around Bethel has ever been the best air. Between the cigarettes, the shit stench in all of the bathrooms, the smell of rotting eggs or worse in the pottery room, I remember it all and there was never a good memory to any. Through all of my nostalgia, I was suddenly disrupted by the intercom. “There is to be an assembly out by the bleachers by the football field, go now.” The only thing that stuck in my head at that time was the feeling of “another day, another year.” I remember walking up those steps into the bleachers of the football field and the whole time thinking about how excited I was to see everyone. I felt like I had been gone for years and finally come back after a long, drawn out adventure that lasted years and years at a time, but in reality, it had only been three months. Strange isn't it? How time has that effect on us. As I kept walking up those stairs desperately trying to find a decent seat, there was a flashback. I blurred for a split second, then, faded
back to see that I was sitting next to some kid and across from my most favorite teachers. I loved these people. Not because of their humor or if they've given me candy, but, I loved them, because they are good people and taught me, some more than others and in different styles. Some unfortunately didn't teach me the way I'm used to, which despite my loss of knowledge, I still hold respect for them, because of the people that they are. The Principle, Mrs. Wanda Riley or Mrs. Riley, began to speak and quieted the crowd as she began this year's orientation. Mrs. Riley was in her forties or fifties and stood about 5'6 or so. She dressed very appropriate for her job position and was the type of person that anyone, if they had tried, could get along with her just fine. Mrs. Riley and Mrs. Hay, the Assistant Principle, were close to me. I respected them for all that I loved about them. Mrs. Hay had red, curly hair, and was always in a pretty good mood regardless of what was going on in her personal life. She and my Mother had worked together in the past and were close to one another. To know this, I had a better relationship with her. "Alright, Bethel Students, can you all please be polite and quiet so we can talk about this year's expectations?" said, Mrs. Riley. With that being said, we still weren't quiet. The students at my high school were hard to hush. Getting the whole population of the high school student body to quiet down for an assembly was almost like trying to bathe a cat; it wasn't going to happen without a struggle. Which really goes to show how the kids at Bethel were pretty varied? We didn't all act in the same pattern really, like how some schools did. We were unique, but without the positive accent behind unique. We were more to put our guards up first for no apparent reason, whereas other schools tended to have more opening arms. But once you delved into it, you would see that most of us were different than the paradox we created. I don’t feel very up to explaining everything that occurred that first day. It becomes to be quite boring in some ways discussing the every little action that occur.
I remember that Nicole and I had stopped talking for a while, after I had first found out about who Thomas was and that she was dating him. It drove me mad. I had no idea who he was or how he acted but I was mad at him. It was jealousy that overflowed me. I remember what I said: “I suppose I am not good enough, that there is no room for me, just you and Thomas forever…. goodbye Nicole” Then, I stopped texting her. I was tired of feeling like this and I had pushed myself away from her, because I knew that if I were to try and change something I had no control over, I would end in a severe disappointment. I cried. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I was lonely. I didn’t know what to do. In the end of this all, I found out that Thomas was a great guy and that his intentions weren’t malicious. To this day we are friends, better than friends, more like brothers. In the first few weeks I thought that I would have enjoyed choir class, but I was very self conscious about my voice and how it sounded. I wasn’t sure if people had always told me I could sing just to get on my good side or if they really meant it. The styles of the music pieces that we were studying were religious pieces and hymns, which weren’t really my style of music that I had been experienced with singing before. I immediately went to see my councilor and in fact, called her from my cell phone because of how the office clerk wasn’t allowing me to pass her to see my councilor in need of a schedule change. It was a set deal. I switched out of choir class and into Child Development. I remember my first day in that class. At first I didn’t care about the work load so much, but it became a heavy burden as the time went on. This was also the first class I had met Nicole’s little sister “Hailey”. Nicole and Hailey looked alike slightly, but as I saw
after a while, acted completely different. Hailey was in my same grade, eleventh, and was sixteen turning seventeen; I was turning eighteen in August. During this time I had developed an attraction towards Nicole’s sister. What was really depressing was that it was because I missed Nicole. “Oh Sorrow, you always meet me the same place, at the same occasions.” It felt like I had been punctured by a jagged knife. I felt it cut me deep with all of the ribs and serrations cutting my heart apart and away like a mad butcher. I felt like I could date this girl, Hailey, she had at the time, reminded me of her older sister so very, very, much. Then one day my pocket held a message to me that was sent from Fate’s tables. It was Nicole. I had been ignoring her for a while, but I stopped eventually. Then, came the sadness and disappointment that she had been holding back. “So you like my sister now?” At this point I didn’t know how I stood my ground, yet heavyhearted, I played the card of joyous. I eventually cracked with the true feelings leaking out of my eyes. I felt like I couldn’t hold back the feelings that I had for Nicole, but I was fed up with being put under the grandstand. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and it all seemed so confusing. She was with Thomas, but was frustrated that I was interested in her sister; the situation had a contradictory tone to it. If she loved me, then why isn’t she with me? If she is with Thomas, why does she love me and not Thomas? I didn’t understand it all. I felt like I was all wrong, like there was never anything between the two of us. I felt like she didn’t care for me and I wanted to spew all of my food into the toilet. I always got that way whenever there was something too sad for me or something that was devastating that happened. I would get sick to my stomach and feel like puking and most of the time, I’d puke. I would run to the bathroom and shut the door as quick as possible, go on my bathroom floor in front of the toilet and wait until I could successfully throw up. I wasn’t bulimic. I never gagged myself with my finger or a toothbrush; I would gag when I felt ready to puke. I was ready to break out and cry. I remember I was in my Grandma’s car; what she called it was “The Buick”; I called it “The Damn Buick”. It was there when I had a sudden collapse of emotion and I broke into pieces. I did like her sister, but only because she was the only thing close to Nicole that I could actually have. She had slightly looked like Nicole, but she wasn’t Nicole. As much as I had wish that she were, she wasn’t. I had wanted and wished that I could rewind time, back to Summer and spent more time with Nicole. It was all coming back, everything, it was flooding my head like when the Titanic had hit the iceberg and had took on water from every little crack and made it impossible to find a way out with coming out in a search party. That was my mind. My mind was the Titanic, her words were the iceberg and the memories were the water that flooded in. It was so poetic. I remember telling her exactly what I have told you.
“I only like your sister because she reminds me of you. She’s the only thing close to you that I have anymore. Now that you’ve found someone else, why would you want me?”
I was puzzled, absolutely puzzled. I remember the answer, but only vaguely. If I told you it would ruin everything. It’s a mystery for you to solve, like a crossword puzzle that speaks in riddles. She always had a loving touch to her, even as quiet as she was. When she spoke, it would be something profound on many levels or it just seemed that way, because I felt nervous and whenever I tried to make good conversation I felt like an idiot. I think the first time I felt like I was truly wanted by her was when I went to my Grandma & Grandpa’s house and stayed the night. I was depressed and I went upstairs in the little room that my grandparents had fixed up for me. It was unfortunate how cold that house was and to boot, the covers on the bed weren’t at all the best for insulation, in fact they were just the opposite. They were big and puffy, but didn’t hold any heat in them at all. What really struck me was all of the intense feelings I had for her safety and what I was afraid of. It was her first year at college, it was supposed to be exciting, the time of her life, so I couldn’t blame her for the party she was attending, but I wanted to blame her. I wanted to say, “why? Why are you doing this? What the fuck is the matter with you? Don’t you give a damn?” but, it wouldn’t have helped me push my car further down the road. All it would’ve done is cause the line to break and the ice to weld back together, like two adjacent strangers on the same bus. It would’ve ruined all the communication I had built up to this point. She told me about how her parents would always tell her these things and give her lectures, but maybe she didn’t. Maybe she didn’t tell me, it was perhaps just the perception of the conversation. I felt like I understood every nook and cranny there was about how she felt. I felt like I understood all there was to understand about that specific situation, because I had been lectured most of my life. Being a student in school, only to come home to a militant Father and a teacher as a Mom. I knew how it was. I understood perfectly what the feeling was. I wanted to break loose, not to cause havoc, but to experience the havoc as it were already caused by other people. I was drenched in gloom as the gloom was drenched in me. And as you are reading this, you will see why. You the reader of this paper; this story; this fragment of the everyday of mine, you will see the onslaught that I speak; in which I feel. Like an abstract painting finally getting the proper name it deserves for its mood and color. Let us fast forward to now for a moment. For that of every story, its spoilers are great, but it is the passages that lead up to the spoils that make it even better. – Alexander Poulos (aka Alex The Fall Out Boy) And now it is the future. The progress that Thomas has made has been incredible. Though I may sound like a scientist examining their patient, I am speaking strictly on the understanding that his self esteem has grown high. I am proud of him, like a Father who is proud to watch his Son succeed in what he dreams or yearns for. I am proud to see that he has gained an understanding of greatness, and he isn’t feeling so depressed anymore. He and Nicole are very much friendlier. I am friends with Chris and Thomas, as well as Nicole. There has been much conflict between Thomas and Chris, but what can you expect? It was bound to be, the only thing that I believe must happen is it must diminish to a smaller level, and otherwise there will never be peace. Chris has been a brother to me, and so has Thomas, what they say about each other goes through my ears and will not leave the depths of my mind. I will not allow for any distrust. I respect the act of privacy that is “private”. I do not say a word. Now as I am sure you are asking, “Where do you stand?” I stand on my own pedestal in the middle of two continents awaiting a high tide in the water. The big question is: “will I sink or float the water?” I wasn’t sure what was to come of my existence in the field of love. I stand now and look out my window; to gaze upon the sunlit threshold. I stop and turn to myself and say quietly, “I don’t belong.” A hard conclusion to such a soft situation, but I am afraid I cannot proceed trying to be something that I will never be. I am happy for Thomas, very happy, as I am for Nicole as well. I cannot explain my joy for them, but as my misery overruns my joy. Call it selfish, reader, but I cannot contain such a feeling
of dissonance between everything that I see. This weight is so heavy to carry, and as Fall Out Boy would say: “my back has been breaking from this heavy heart.” It fit me too well. I wish to be there for all of them as a friend. Chris, Thomas, Nicole and even Simone; I am a friend to them all. I’ve become unrequited with love and unsatisfied with its presence. Therefore, I am giving in to my longtime foe; love. There is nothing to true to me with love anymore now. How can I trust love anymore to my ramshackle heart? Just when I believe in something, it disappears and becomes just another abandoned hope. I see now. If I could say one thing, I would say for all other ways to explain such; it was a “Bittersweet” ending. I have helped everyone else, but I have forgotten to help myself. It is depressing, when you help everyone else besides yourself. Then, it all went "Bang!" and started to change just that fast. It all streamed out into something you wouldn't have expected.
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