This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
com Presents: Voices in Unison
The following true stories are excerpts taken from a larger web-based series of victim testimonial statements written by 2nd and 3rd generation former scientologists. For the full collection of heart wrenching first hand accounts regarding the abusive practices of the Church of Scientology, please see: ESK - Voices in Unison! http://exscientologykids.com/voicesinunison.html Reprinted by permission of ExScientologyKids.com © 2008-09. Vol. 1-2, ESK - Voices in Unison! [Retrieved 22 July 2009] Compilation & distribution courtesy of the global collective of anti-scientology activists and victim rights advocates that is generally known as “Anonymous” TABLE OF CONTENTS Vol 1: Amy Allen's Scientology Story Vol 1: Maureen Bolstad's Scientology Story Vol 2: Karen Steps Forward: Why I'm Against Scientology Vol 2: Cantsay's Scientology Story Vol 2: Sharone's Scientology Story
ESK - Voices in Unison! Vol 1 Amy Allen's Scientology Story
Original Source: http://exscientologykids.com/amy1.html Site Admin note: Names of Scientologists changed or shortened to initials. I was born into a Scientology family. My mom was in the Sea Org when she was 12, but shortly after blew. She then joined staff at Burbank mission where she met my dad, they married, and that’s how I came around. I do recall hanging around the Big Blue building (AOLA) when I was between 2-5 years old. My parents were on services there, and my sister and I would run around the complex. Even then they would put us to work as “volunteers” - cleaning, doing filing, etc. When I was 5 yrs old, my parents, big sister and I moved from Burbank, CA to Palmdale which is about an hour outside of LA. I don’t recall ANY Scientology for a while here. My parents were not on course for years, and instead we did a lot of traveling, camping, and family activities. This was the most pleasurable time in my life thus far. There was no worry, no stress, no hate and confusion, just the constant love of my family and friends. When I was 12, we moved back to Los Angeles and my sister and I were sent to Delphi LA, a Scientology school. I had a little brother who was only 2 yrs old then. I did a few courses during this time at the local Foothill Mission. My parents would bribe me by saying I could skip Summer School at Delphi if I promised to do a course at the mission during this time. I twinned with either my sister or best friend, which made it fun. When I was 14, my sister dropped out of school and joined staff full time at CCHR. Shortly after, she was recruited straight from there into the Sea Org at the HGB building in Hollywood. I also started getting interested in acting/singing at this time, and my best friend and I went and joined Kids on Stage for a Better World, which is one of Celebrity Center's outreach groups. It was made up of 20-50 kids who had various levels of skill in dance, singing and performing. I started taking singing lessons and getting lead solo parts in songs. We performed all over LA and at many Scientology events singing songs with good messages, including some Scientology songs as well. I was part of this group until I was 16, when I joined the Sea Org. In the summer of 1998, I was not only practicing and performing at CC all the time, I was on course doing my Student Hat and Pro TRs. I didn’t finish my Pro TRs, so instead of going back to school after that summer, I went on course full time. This was the beginning of my recruitment process. I have to admit I think I was pretty easy for the recruiters to get me to join. I signed my contract during my first conversation with my recruiters, who were Shane and Cassie W, Jennifer G, and Dave P. Page 2 of 30
When I went home to tell my parents, they were both very disappointed. My mom wanted me to finish high school and finish the Pro TRs Course first, and my dad plain thought I would regret it. My dad is an amazing piano player and has been into music and in bands since I was born. He told me how he had left his band and joined staff at the Mission when he was younger, and he later totally regretted it because his band got signed to a record label and became successful after he left. He knew I was passionate about singing and that I had enough talent to really make it if I continued pursuing it. Even after this talk from my parents, I was still determined to join the Sea Org and I took off to my boyfriend’s house and broke the news to him. He was devastated! We were truly inseparable and had plans to marry and have kids (yes, even at 16) and we were definitely each other’s first real love. He was bawling, but said that he had always been worried I would do this at some point because he knew what a good and nice person I was and how much I loved helping people. I said my last tearful goodbye to him. That night I was terrified and couldn’t sleep. Everything my parents told me were going through my mind like a broken record, I didn’t know who to believe. My recruiters told me I would be able to go to Gold and sing, but my dad said I would regret giving up on my singing career? My recruiters told me I would be going up the Bridge for free, so why was my mom so worried about me finishing my Pro TRs Course? My recruiters told me I’d be able to take Liberties (The day off) every two weeks if my stats were up AND I’d get three weeks of vacation time a year, so why did I have this cold gut feeling of my friends and loved ones never being seen again? By the time I woke up, and I had changed my mind as instinct told me I’d regret it. I went into CC to tell them that I had changed my mind and wanted to just continue on course. My course supervisor routed me to Ethics to sort this out, and said I could not continue on course because going back on my decision to join was out-ethics. I went down to ethics and was met by the ED CC Int, Dave P, who was pissed! He told my recruiter, Shane, to get me on the meter because it was only overts and my reactive mind that would hold me back from doing something so good, and he wanted someone to give me a short confessional to “find out my crimes.” This obviously implies that if I don’t join, it only means I am a major criminal and MUST be hiding thing, and the ED CC Int figured if he could intimidate me or scare me enough, I would change my mind. I reluctantly went in for an ethics interview (which is just a mini-confessional while you are hooked up to the e-meter). After the interview, I went downstairs to the recruitment office and told Dave and Shane that the interview was great, but I still didn’t want to join the Sea Org. Dave got infuriated. He told Shane that whoever did my interview did not get me to confess to all of my sins because the end result of me getting a standard confessional would have meant me not having anymore unsaid sins holding me back from joining the Sea Org. Shane was ordered to get me on the meter with the Senior C/S (the most highly tech trained person in the entire building) and find out what I was still hiding. At this point, I thought he had gone too far and felt like I was in some inescapable maze. However, I had to cooperate because I was supposed to be on course all day to finish my Pro Trs Course like my mother wanted, but I couldn’t continue on course because they sent me to Ethics for going back on my decision to join the Sea Org. I finally went back in for another confessional and afterwards went back to the recruitment office and said that I still did not want to join. Dave Petit literally lost it at this point. He took the papers from my interview which had all my “out-ethics” on it and went out into the hallway outside of the recruitment office where all the staff were walking to the galley for dinner. He started yelling at me that the only reason I wasn’t joining the Sea Org is because I was too busy going Page 3 of 30
down on my boyfriend (which he had read in the interview). The CC Int staff looked over at me smirking and laughing. I was horrified. This was my deepest darkest secret as a 16 year old! He told me I thought blowing my boyfriend was more important than clearing the planet. I was so humiliated and upset. He wouldn’t stop. He kept going like this through all the stuff that I had said in my interview, reading it aloud to humiliate me. I finally backed down after all the harassment and said I would join. This time, he sent two of my recruiters home with me so that I would not change my mind. Their job was also to talk to my parents and get their agreement because I was only a minor and had to have parental consent. They came in my house and made me start packing my things. They told me I had to start right away because otherwise I would change my mind again. It was Wednesday night and they said I had to join before tomorrow at 2pm (I later found out this was when they had to report their statistics to management, and I was just a statistic that they needed for the week). My mom and dad were still adamant that they did not want to co-sign my contract, and turn my guardianship over to the org. It’s all a blur to me, but I remember my mother being ordered to come into CC with an official summons from Ethics. She too was put on the meter and talked to for hours before she finally signed. I could tell she was doing it against her will. But that was that. My bags were packed and I routed into CC Int’s EPF right before 2pm on a Thursday morning in October 1998. I was excited and happy but scared at the same time. I was happy because I truly believed I was on some top-notch mission to save all mankind and it was all new and excited. I was scared because I knew there was no turning back. It’s not like I could try it out for a few days and leave. I had just signed a billion year contract. That night, when I went home to my berthing I remember sitting down and bawling. A song came on that reminded me of my boyfriend, and it just hit me that I was about to lose everything. That night I tossed and turned in my bed and barely slept a wink. The room was disgusting. The shower head did not work the entire time I was there, so we had to literally take a bath every day and the water was often cold, the building was dirty and falling apart, it was by far the grossest Sea Org berthing building I saw my entire time there. About 3 weeks into my EPF, my ex-boyfriend came to CC Int. I saw him in the courtyard talking to two of my recruiters. They came over to me and told me they were recruiting my boyfriend and needed my help. I agreed. When I walked over to join them, they were all saying that if he joined, he and I would be able to live together, and all that. It was ALL about me. I knew he wasn’t a strong Scientologist, hadn’t been on course or auditing lines for years and he didn’t talk very highly of it. I pulled my recruiters aside and told them I was very concerned that he was just joining to be with me, and that would not be fair to him, and they can’t use me to get him to give his life away. They told me they knew right now he was just doing it for me, but that he would change his mind soon enough once he started and find other reasons it was right to join. I felt terrible about this, but sure enough he was routed onto the EPF the next day when he was 19. It was all very awful and strange. We weren’t used to a relationship under such stress, and we were told no relationships were allowed on the EPF, so we had to wait to graduate to “mock that up again”. We finally graduated around the same time, and I was posted in Division 6 at CC Int, and he was apprenticing in the President’s Office. During post (work) time, he would come and see me; he was pretty obsessed, and at this point it was a bit distracting. Page 4 of 30
It was hard enough trying to adjust to being in the Sea Org. I told him I wanted to wait to pursue anything again until I was more stable because I was working really hard and learning so much, and trying to keep up. He wasn’t very happy about this, and sure enough he started getting unstable himself and was becoming a problem. At this point, I was the assistant to the Pub Off who was over the division of Scientology that included getting new people into Scientology, selling books, and delivering the introductory services of Scientology. I was working hard and trying to get used to the scheduling of securing at midnight and waking up at 8am as I was so used to sleeping in until 11am. I had a lot of responsibilities and juniors all of a sudden, when I had never ran anyone on anything before. It was stressful, but I managed. My recruiters came to see me one day to try and make me go out with my ex again so that he would be stable. They literally took me off of my work for about 5 hours and stuck me in a room with my ex until I basically agreed. I did love him and wanted to be with him, so if I had to do it now or never, I guess it would be now. The next thing was the pressure to marry him. He proposed to me a couple days later with a beautiful ring. I told him I wasn’t ready to make another commitment yet. He flipped out and got really pissed off, but I was already under a lot of stress and working hard on the job. A few days later, I was on course in the morning and I got pulled out and asked if I knew where my boyfriend was. I was asked for information on some of his friends who were not in the Sea Org. I had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and started to wonder what was happening. The next thing I knew I was eating in the staff cafeteria and he was eating in a corner with a security guard, just the two of them. I knew something was wrong and he was in trouble. That day I got told by my senior that I was going to be going in session. I thought that would be cool. I went in with an HCO Sec Checker (person who takes confessionals) who asked me a ton of questions all about my boyfriend. Did I commit an overt on him, with him, etc? I was confused but went along with it. A few days later, still nobody had told me what was going on, and I was pulled into the Security office. They asked me if my boyfriend had ever harassed me. I said no. They asked me about an incident in my sec check (confessional) where I had said that he got really pissed because I did not agree to marry him, and I said that was true. They said "good", because they needed me to sign a paper saying he harassed me in case he ever tried to sue the church, because he was routing out (leaving the Sea Org). I was shocked, sad, scared, all at once. THIS is how they broke it to me when we were pretty much engaged!! I almost burst into tears, but knew I had to cooperate or else. I signed the paper, and have never forgiven myself to this day. That guy loved me enough to give up everything just to be with me, and I turned on him, the church made me turn on him. I saw him again at his sister’s wedding (which I was a bridesmaid in because we were like sisters and she was in the Sea Org too). It was very odd as we never got to speak to each other at all. I’ve seen him a couple of other times, and it was always very odd because I was still in the Sea Org. To this day, we haven’t talked about what happened. I was heartbroken, and never got over it. It kept coming up throughout my years in the Sea Org that I still had attention on this person, and that I never got to properly end my relationship with him. We Page 5 of 30
were together for years before I joined, and I had lost my virginity to him. He was not just another boyfriend to me. Regardless, I pushed myself and somehow kept going. I had so much energy in the beginning, so much strength, so much purpose, I was unstoppable. Shortly thereafter, I was promoted to the CMO (Commodore’s Messenger Org) in PAC (where the blue buildings are on Sunset Blvd). I worked in the LRH Personal Public Relations Office. This was fun. Every week that we were upstat, the staff members of our org were rewarded with trips to the movies, and I got liberties quite often to go visit my parents and my best friend. Things were going okay and I started to get over my loss. I had fun going out to parties and events promoting L.Ron Hubbard. I at least felt that I had some contact with the outside world, and got to wear civilian clothes every once in a while. A couple months later I found out I was named for promotion again, this time to CMO Int Extension Unit, which is located on Hollywood Blvd, and my sister was working there. I didn’t want to leave my current job, and my seniors didn't want me to go. I observed that there was a bunch of internal fighting going on about it, and my senior assured me I wasn’t going anywhere. One day I was driving to the building on Hollywood Blvd to deliver a package. Once I got in the lobby someone came and told me to come with them. She told me she was from CMO IXU and she had to talk to me. I knew this was totally against church policy, because in the church, you are not allowed to verbally talk with anyone from a lower organization; everything had to be in writing and go through a “filter” that approved all outgoing messages, but this person had a much higher rank than me, I could not say no. I went with her upstairs to a small office. She told me that I was named for promotion to her org and that I needed to do what I could to make sure it went smoothly from my end so I could arrive there soon. She told me I was already approved for a particular post (job) and showed me a CSW (report) that was approved all the way through RTC (which is the highest organization in Scientology) for me to be the LRH Comm CMO IXU. That is the second highest rank in that organization. I was totally surprised that I was approved for such a high position. I was new to the Sea Org, I had never been in the CMO before. She convinced me how important it was, and a few weeks later I was replaced and arrived at CMO IXU. I got through a very rapid program to get ready for post, and then I was officially placed on post as the LRH Comm CMO IXU. What a transition! Soon enough, the biggest issue I was trying to deal with was the fact that this particular organization had apparently been in a lower condition for years and nobody even really knew why because it was assigned before most of them had even arrived. Apparently, it was because of the “state of Scientology Internationally” – what a generality. So, being in a lower condition is usually something assigned to a person who has demonstrated they are a “liability” to the group and so they get penalized and all privileges taken away. They are considered not to be trusted and not to be socialized with because they are not “part of the group”. This meant all liberties (days off to see your family, etc), org awards (for the org being upstat), and bonuses were cancelled for every staff member. I was shocked and disappointed. Why was I going to have to suffer? I didn’t deserve that punishment. Well, I still hadn’t lost that gleam in my eye from when I first joined the Sea Org, so I sought out to take personal responsibility to get this situation handled for everyone in the org. I made this my personal mission and I was very optimistic.
Page 6 of 30
Meanwhile, my sister wasn’t doing so hot. I remember when I was in CMO PAC and she was up in CMO IXU, she could never get any time off, but she couldn’t tell me what was going on because I was in a lower org, and she was working under a strict confidentiality agreement. I used to call her and yell at her for not getting time off to see the family and told her she wasn’t “making it go right”, and that she was giving mom and dad a bad impression of Sea Org members. Well, now that I had arrived to her org I understood. NOBODY got time off there. My sister also got into serious trouble shortly after I arrived.. She had just been busted from one post and was working on another. She was under “Comm Ev”, which is one of the highest disciplinary actions in the Sea Org, kind of like a trial where a group of people meet with the accused and decide their fate so to speak. As the LRH Comm, I personally had to approve the decisions of the Comm Ev tribunal, and approve their recommended punishment. The first one that came through my hands was my sister’s, in which the Comm Ev recommended that she be assigned to the RPF. I was in shock, I wanted to cry. No way did my sister deserve this. She walked into the Sea Org to the post of Services Chief CMO IXU, which has to be one of the hardest jobs in the org! I can’t even fathom this being someone’s first assigned job. Anyway, I had to sign it because otherwise they would tell me I was too "reasonable" and would put me on the emeter to find out why. I ran to the bathroom after singing it and cried. Thank god the last person on the routing line, the ED of the org, did not sign it and said that my sister did not deserve to go to the RPF, but she did get kicked out of CMO and was posted in a lower organization, FLO, located in the same building. I continued to witness numerous members of my staff getting kicked out due to suicidal thoughts/threats (more than 5). My fellow staff member’s husband actually did commit suicide, while others took off and blew from the organization never to be seen again. One had a nervous breakdown in front of me, and I also experienced more deaths than I thought were even possible. My dear friend from school, Stacy Moxon died by accident, several others died of cancer, some were involved in car accidents. It continued on every day till the day I left. Now, what pushed me over the edge to leave myself? Well, I had gotten busted from post as the LRH Comm CMO IXU because there was an area, a half of a floor, solely dedicated to LRH. It was set up like his house with one office for his messengers. One day, David Miscavige was in the building and went to use the bathroom up there and the toilet did not work (would not flush). Me and my fellow staff members were up around the clock for a week handling this, cleaning and replacing broken parts up there until the whole area was perfect. I got in trouble for this even though I did not even have clearance to enter this area until the day I was woken up by the RTC Rep in the middle of the night to go clean up there, as David Miscavige had just been there and it was a HUGE flap. I then went on to be posted as a Pgms Ops in CMO IXU, which means you get assigned to various areas of International Management and you execute programs to establish them, forward strategies, etc. I soon got posted over Data and the FB (which were THE guys actually managing the churches internationally). This area was a DISASTER when I took it over. The CO FB (head of this unit of all International managers) was completely in the frame of mind that the Sea Org was bad, hated many of the execs and he wanted to leave. There were tons of key positions that were unfilled, most of the staff there never slept and looked completely wasted, stats were down in the area, and in most people’s eyes the staff of this organization were all scum for getting nothing done, and letting DM bypass them Page 7 of 30
(which means he is doing their job directly and handling things in their responsibility and authority zone) in getting all the orgs to Saint Hill Size and so forth. Saint Hill Size is a specific status when an organization has reached specified expansion targets. Wow! I can’t even begin to describe all the things I ran into on this post that made me finally realize I couldn’t do it anymore. There were so many things I began finding myself in complete disagreement with. Here are just a FEW of them: 1. I was assigned to PERSONALLY deal with a bad situation that had arisen with another SO member, the CO FB. Even though this was not my job, I was ordered to write a list of confessional questions that she would be asked. I was not trained to do this. I was also ordered to get information on her from her personal folder, which is screwed up because first of all she was OT and I wasn't, so I wasn't supposed to be looking in there in the first place, and secondly because the information in there is supposed to be priest/penitent privileged. No one else is supposed to look at that, because it contains all of the private information that she had willingly given to her auditor with the understanding that this info would never be shared with anyone. This situation quickly spiraled out of control, and she ended up blowing (leaving without permission), and that incident turned into a major flap. 2. There was a thing called a Filter, which was two people posted to read every dispatch, telex, etc that went out of the building to ensure it was on-policy and on-stat and people were not sending conflicting directions. They were on a schedule where they stayed up until 3:45am every day so they could read all the traffic, and they slept until lunch time. The people in FB were often told they couldn’t go home until their traffic went out, and I was ordered by the RTC Rep to stay and make sure. That meant they all stayed until 3:45am to wait for this person to clear their traffic. Sometimes they would stay up and their traffic still wouldn’t clear because the Filter could not get to it, so they stayed up for no reason and couldn’t do anything about it as they cannot talk personally to the Filter, and they had to be at work at 9am while the Filter personnel slept until lunch. 3. I was put under MAJOR pressure to get the empty positions filled, which is not my job. There was an issue that came out from a very prestigious executive stating that people from my organization could no longer include postings on their programs because it bypassed the local HCOs who were the ones LRH said were responsible for personnel. However the RTC Representative posted in my building constantly cross-ordered people in my organization to fill various posts and made us report to her on them daily. What you had then was 3-4 people all storming into HCO FLO ordering various posts filled (cross-ordering each other) while HCO FLO got nothing done (it was only two people in there who were so unestablished themselves which is what are job was supposed to be). It became impossible to do anything and I knew what we were being ordered to do was totally wrong and offpolicy. 4. I learned that most of Scientology’s stats internationally were actually DOWN. I was looking at many stats to qualify potential candidates for posts and stats like “First Starts in Scientology” (new people taking services) were down long-term, completions were down, etc. I thought to myself, what am I doing here if the stats are actually just steadily down-trending? I didn’t feel I had really accomplished anything, nor had the Sea Org, in the last 6 years and felt I was wasting my time. 5. I myself was getting little to no sleep. On one occasion, we were all woken up in the middle of the night because our seniors were still in the org working and were pissed that nobody else was there. We ended up staying up all night just because he was pissed at us. It was routine for me to get under 5 hours of sleep nightly and my body was completely running down. I had been ill numerous times, I got Page 8 of 30
allergies that flared up really bad, I had major back aches, stomach problems, etc. I was taken to the emergency room twice for cysts. I was a mess! I was also not eating because the food was gross, we only had 20 minutes to eat and I also smoked. Since I’ve been out I have NONE of these body issues whatsoever simply because I am eating and sleeping. 6. Most of all, I missed my family! I hadn’t seen my family more than five times a year, and there were times I was denied seeing them on holidays for no good reason. I spoke to my little brother one time near Christmas (he was about 13) and he told me he wanted me to go work at the Deli nearby our house so that he could see me more, and he asked me why I had to move away and work at the Church and never see him. This was heartbreaking! I had managed to see my family on Sunday mornings which was our allotted few hours to clean, do laundry, etc. I would meet them at nearby restaurants with my sister and visit. This was cancelled as soon as it was found out about because it was considered a misuse of this time. I was very upset about this. With liberties cancelled, that virtually meant I would never be able to see my family. I remember HCO made me call my mom and dad and let them know I would not be able to meet them anymore on Sundays and I was holding back tears the entire time I was on the phone with them. 7. I also missed my passion for singing just like my father had warned me. I was 24 and felt I was missing out. I used to sing at the annual Sea Org Day when the Sea Org got time off to celebrate being an SO member, but this holiday had since been cancelled to ½ day and no performances were allowed as it was “off-purpose”. I had a karaoke machine that Jenna Miscavige (we were friends in the Sea Org) had lent me. I used to sing in my room and could at least have that comfort, but one day the Ethics Officer pulled me into HCO, and told me that they had been ordered by the RTC Rep to confiscate that from me because it was “off-purpose” and a distraction to my duties. This was very upsetting. 8. I was upset with my marriage. I had gotten married to my husband when I was 19. He was on night schedule our whole marriage so I rarely slept in the same bed with him, let alone saw him at all. We didn’t know each other very well. He had just gotten in trouble for out-ethics activities, checking out other girls and so on, and I felt this was not really love, and not what I had imagined a marriage would ever be like. He was in a lower org, so I could not talk to him about much, couldn’t cry on his shoulder, and couldn’t tell him what I was running into or anything because that information was confidential. I was in doubt about wanting to stay with him, and I think he was too. With all this on my mind, I was miserable, crying a lot uncontrollably. I wanted to leave and almost everyone in my org knew it, but I didn’t have the balls to go through with it, so they were trying to handle me so that I would WANT to be there. I went for a security check (confessional) and I finally told them that I was thinking of blowing and had suicidal pictures in my head. I was taken off the job and put on a correction program wherein another guy from my org watched me 24 hours a day (This was Nicholai who I am now married to and pregnant with his baby). This guy happened to be a really good friend of mine as he was posted right next to me in the organization, and we got along great. He soon was able to lift me off the ground by keeping everything really positive and fun. We were cleaning cars, moving heavy boxes and generally doing heavy labor, but he made it really fun and cheered me up. He took me for walks and tried genuinely to help me. He knew I wanted to leave and was trying to help me with all this. I had decided to get a divorce from my husband and the papers were signed and he had moved out. I decided that I could probably give the Sea Org one more chance if I could do it with Nicholai there to lift me up when I needed it. He made everything and anything seem possible and working with him was a joy. Page 9 of 30
We soon grew very close and we could both tell there was a huge amount of affection there, even though we never spoke aloud of it. We simply clicked immediately, but people around us were noticing and making a stink about it. I was not legally divorced yet as it takes 6 months to go through, and in the Sea Org you cannot have another relationship until it is fully done. We would get pulled into ethics because people were writing reports on us saying that we were flirting and "too close". I was also getting sec checked and it never came up because I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong. We did not start a relationship, never did anything sexual, but nature was taking its course and we were definitely in love, though we knew we would have to wait. One day it got totally out of control and we were told that even if we got through our programs and my divorce was done, we still could not have a relationship, and if we tried to have one anyway they would send one of us to Africa and post one of us in Los Angeles so we could not be together. This really pissed us off, because we both knew how crazy it was for us in the Sea Org, and the only way we’d be able to get through it was with each other. One night when we were alone in the files room, he told me that the only way was to secretly get out of there. He had been posted in Ethics and routed out several staff and knew how it went. He said that if we did their route out process (left the "right" way) it would take months to a year and they would still separate us, and we’d never be released until we made "ethics change", meaning that the only way they would let us leave is if we said we didn't want to be together. We agreed that we would blow, and he called up his uncle who was not a Scientologist and we had him come and get us. We snuck out to his uncle’s house in Santa Monica, and let me tell you this was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I was in fear for weeks of OSA Int and Ethics people searching for us. My mom was looking for us more than anyone else, as she knew that my blowing the org meant me being declared an SP and never being able to talk to her again if I didn’t go back and "route out" the right way. She was calling the house (somehow got the number), she even showed up to the house one day, so I finally went to see her. She met Nicholai who I told her I was in love with, but I didn’t really get to explain much of what was going on. She simply was freaked out and crying and nervous, and she wanted me to get back there before I got declared and tried to talk us into going back. It was very rough because I was so shaky and scared myself, but knew I could not go back there. It was really rough. I did not want to be declared, so I agreed to meet with Kirsten C from OSA Int who is in charge of handling people who blow and security risks to the Church. We met up with her one day and told her that we did not want to go back but were willing to do a confessional and the standard process as long as we could live outside of the SO, and drive into the org to do the process. She said this was not acceptable and she wouldn’t agree to it, even though I know of at least two others that were allowed to do this. We couldn’t come to an agreement and finally we told her we’d think about it. I met with my parents one last time at a restaurant in Sherman Oaks. They tried to keep it light, but I could see my mom’s pain. She was so worried, she couldn’t think straight. We couldn’t have a real conversation. She didn’t ask how I was doing. She didn’t want to know more. She was simply freaking out about the fact she was about to lose her youngest daughter. I had no idea at the time, this would be the last time I would ever see her and my dad again.
Page 10 of 30
A few days later Kirsten called us and told us our time was up. We told her we could not go back, and she let us know they would be issuing an SP declare on us for this. I never received a copy of it until 6 months later when I obviously noticed that my parents had stopped any and all contact. I wrote to IJC, who is the ONLY Scientology person you are allowed to talk to when you are an SP, and told him that I had nothing in writing saying I was an SP, so I was going to go ahead and contact my parents. That same day, I got an email with two attachments, which were me and my Nicholai’s SP declares. They were full of lies and embellishments. I was so pissed that they could send this slander around about us. First of all, it says that we "blew to be harbored by two SPs", meaning that we left and ran off to stay with other Suppressive People. These supposed "SPs" were Nicholai’s mother and step-dad who came to get us from his uncle’s as soon as they heard we were out. The declare order also claimed that we went out-2D (had [inappropriate] sexual relations) and that I had lied to my auditor, which isn't true because we didn’t become physically involved until we had already left. They claim I destroyed org property. It took me a while to figure out where they even came up with that, and then I remembered it came up in one of my sec checks that I broke a $7 bowl while cleaning the space dedicated for LRH and made the org pay for it. A $7 bowl became destroying org property!! I called my mom immediately and told her she cannot believe this crap about me and that it was untrue. She unfortunately couldn’t say much except that she hoped I would go through the A-E process so that I could be in good standing with the Church again. I called my parents one other time and spoke to them both on speaker phone. I told them that I did not want to be part of that group anymore (meaning the Church), and that was my own integrity and I had to stick to it. It was the one last thing Scientology could never take away from me. They just kept persisting that the only way I’d ever see them again was to get back in good standing with the Church. They told me I was in a lower condition with the family and just had overts which is why I felt the way I did. I got so pissed and started bawling. It was actually restimulative. I felt the same way I felt in the SO – put-down, degraded and controlled, and I realized I can't be near Scientology at all. It’s like I am PTS to the entire subject. My mom calmed down a bit, and told me she and my dad loved me very much and didn’t want me to feel like they were choosing someone else over me. They told me they would always pick up my phone calls, and if they ever ran into me they would give me a huge hug. I felt a lot better. I ran into my mother at a restaurant a few months ago. I hadn’t seen her in over a year. The manager was taking me and Nicholai to our seats and I literally stopped cold in my tracks when I saw her. I thought I would faint. The manager asked if he needed to call Security, that’s what a crazy reaction seeing my mother had on me! I got myself together and sat down for dinner. My mom was there with two men and it looked like some sort of business dinner. She didn’t notice me the entire time even though I went to the bathroom at least ten times just to walk by her in hopes she’d recognize me. Nope. Finally the restaurant was closing, and Nicholai and I stayed in hopes I could pull my mom away for a second. Nope. She literally sat there talking away, the last person in the entire restaurant as if she was trying to avoid me. My husband and I went outside and figured we’d wait for her to walk by. Fifteen minutes later, nothing. The manager came out to talk to us as he noticed something was really weird. I told him that was my mother in there that I saw. He was very surprised that I would have such a reaction to seeing my own Page 11 of 30
mother, and I just told him it was complicated. I asked him to go tell her that there is someone outside to see her. A couple minutes later, the door opened and it was my mom. She smiled and gave me a huge hug. She told me she hadn’t seen me in the restaurant, but I wonder if she just didn’t recognize me anymore. Again, she simply went on a roll about how I had to get back into Scientology. I told her I didn’t want to. I told her that the happiest time I remember in my life, and that I remember seeing my parents so happy, was those few years when they weren't doing much in Scientology. We would go camping all the time, travel, and spend a lot of great time together as a family. My mom kind of shrugged. I asked her why she couldn’t just be in communication with me secretly. She told me she wanted to go up the Bridge, and it wasn’t possible. A few minutes later, the two men she was eating with came out, and she kissed me on the cheek and said “Good to see you, okay bye” – as if I was some friend she ran into. I was pissed, and just rolled my eyes and went to my car. That was the last time I ever saw her or spoke to her. Then, two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I called my parents several times and left a voice mail that I had some news for them. They never returned my call, so I just left a message letting them know they were going to be grandparents. Hmmmm, I thought my mom said she would pick up my phone calls. A few days letter, my best friend who I’ve been in contact with since I left and she didn’t care that I was declared, called me and said that her mom (who is on OT VII at Flag) found out she was still in touch with me. She told me that my mom had seen from MySpace that she was still in touch with me and wrote a report to Ethics. She told me that her mom told her it was a problem for her and all kinds of other crap I won’t even get into. My best friend told me not to worry and that if it came down to it she would lie to her mom and stay in touch with me anyway. This was comforting. Thank god my best friend would not be convinced. Two days later, she called me and immediately started sobbing. Now, she’s about 6 months pregnant and it worried me that she was so upset and stressed in her voice. She told me that her mom told her she would have to send all her materials back to Flag that day if she didn’t disconnect from me. Her mom was on OT VII where you audit yourself from home and send in your worksheets to Flag every day, so she was going to have to quit this and send her OT materials back to Flag. She told me her mom finally agreed she would quit smoking if she disconnected from me. She said she was so sorry, but she has to disconnect for now but she does not love me any less. I told her not to worry and remained perfectly calm for her benefit. I got off the phone and was so emotionally disturbed I didn’t know whether to cry or throw something. I felt completely stabbed in the back by my mom. I felt let down by my best friend. I felt in disbelief that Scientology does this. I felt confused why people would still be going along with all this. I found out later that my mom had just been at Flag, so I am sure she was being forced into some “handling”. She was probably labeled “PTS” for her association to me. That is the day, I came out and posted my first post un-anonymously on Ex-Scientology Kids.com. I will be attending my first protest this April 12th to talk about the disconnection policy that I, my entire family, and my best friend have been victim of, thanks to the Church of Scientology. I am now very happily married to Nicholai and pregnant with my first child. We have a lot of wonderful supportive friends and are doing just fine, but it still tears at my heat every day I think about the subject of disconnection. Page 12 of 30
There’s no turning back now, and I will continue to expose the truths that I know about the Church until they have enough outside pressure to get their ethics in. I am applying all of the tech I have learned in Scientology from ethics gradients, pressure on the reactive mind to stop doing bad things, chart of human evaluation and tone scale, investigatory policies, PR, etc. P. S. I want to stress that I do not particularly have a problem with LRH’s writings and philosophies. I don’t care what people believe in so much as the practices and policies I have seen applied by the Church staff members themselves. These are the people controlling what gets done and how the policies are being applied, and it’s twisted, evil and criminal. This is what I am fighting to stop, not Scientology in itself. Amy Allen (maiden name: Amy Harrison) Ed. note: Amy was also featured in WEtv Secret Lives of Women, Extreme Beliefs Episode (2008) that is available online at http://www.vimeo.com/1566022.
ESK - Voices in Unison! Vol 1 Maureen Bolstad's Scientology Story
Original Source: http://exscientologykids.com/maureen1.html I was involved with Scientology for 25 years. I have a really long story to tell. I'll try to summarize it here. I have written more on the Ex Scientology Message board, under the name "Twin A". I got involved originally when I was 14 years old. My parents were never involved. In fact, I was approached and sold courses by the Church of Scientology Mission of Stevens Creek (San Jose) staff without my parents present in 1980. In retrospect, I do not feel that this was correct or even legal -- despite the fact that the helpful and friendly Scientology staff did help me to improve some aspects of my life at that time. I guess I kind of liken my Scientology experience to a bad bandage. The kind that sort of stops the bleeding but then causes a worse infection later on and has to be removed and replaced. I'm going to college now, I'm 41, and I often find myself wishing that I'd never dropped out of High School in the first place, that many of the things I was looking for in Scientology, I could not find in Scientology at all, but I have found in the school system and elsewhere. So, here is kind of my story about how I ended up skipping out on my education and staying involved in Scientology for so long.
Page 13 of 30
When I was 14 I was having trouble in school, I was having trouble emotionally and I did need help for it. Scientology was right there, prominently in my community, handing me a bandage. How could I refuse? And how could I not then, walk around and tell my friends and family afterwards how great Scientology was? I had my new band aid on and I felt better, and I was happier. When my step father or my school friends did not share my new enthusiasm and were skeptical. I of course, defended my new friends to my older friends and family... because my older friends and family didn't seem to understand that I needed a band aid at all. Somehow, any lack of enthusiasm for my new found religion meant that they were against my new happiness and my new sense of hope, that they were against ME. My friends and family didn't know that I needed anything extra, that maybe they could have helped me with. Because I was never very communicative. In fact, I didn't communicate to the Scientologists that I was having any trouble. They already knew! So that solved that situation. The weird thing is that I have no idea that they DID really know. I found out later that Scientology Registrars (sales people) are TRAINED to ask a person if there is anything about themselves that they want to change, and then to say that Scientology CAN help them with it! They say it to EVERYONE. It wasn't just that they somehow already knew what all my problems were and really truly knew that they could help me with them or not. It's a sales pitch. Something I was very unfamiliar with at age 14. And what exactly were my really pressing issues at age 14? Well, one of them was that I was at odds with the Mental Health System. I'd seen my mother taken away in a straight jacket. I'd seen her after she'd gotten shock treatments. I'd seen her experiencing the side effects of the earlier drugs for manicdepression (bi-polar). I'd visited her at Agnew State Mental Hospital when she was there and San Jose State Mental Hospital. These were places etched in my mind. Not nice places. I'd seen her go to the California Mental Health system for help and instead get abused. She woke me up one morning when I was only 7 years old, to tell me about how she'd been repeatedly raped while in restraints at the San Jose State Mental hospital by a male nurse there. She tried to tell her social workers and her psychiatrists and they did not BELIEVE her because she had earlier been diagnoses as being delusional. So, I was the only one who believed her. I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't call the police or write to a government official. I was only 7. But I could hold my Mom's hand and let her cry on my shoulder about it. And I could promise to myself that someday I would DO something about it. That someday I would help my mom with her problems, whether she was delusional or not. I told one of my new Scientology friends about how I was having trouble with my Mom and he promised that learning Dianetics and Scientology would enable me to help my mother; that Dianetics and Scientology were the REAL answers to mental health problems. It was explained to me that they (Dn and Scn) were not accepted by the mental health professionals because it actually cures people and would ruin their "racket", but that eventually organized Scientology would expand and take over and make everything better. I was impressed to see an entire religion dedicated to the improvement of the mental health system. They already had THE ANSWERS and just needed to teach them to everyone. Scientology needed to be "disseminated." I was enthused about this. I did not even know what Scientology and Dianetics really were or how they could help with mental health problems, or IF they could. But I did understand the enthusiasm and friendliness of the Scientology staff member looking at me eye to eye telling me this. I saw sincerity and conviction and I was convinced.
Page 14 of 30
I had very few critical thinking skills at age 14 and 15. I tended to just trust anyone who took the time to sit down and talk to me carefully about anything. It was beyond my imagination that I, a kid on welfare with nothing that I really owned, could have anything that someone would want to steal from me. I had nothing to steal of value. No one had a reason to lie to me. But that was not true. Because I had my youth, my health and I could work very long hours if I had to. I had my labor, and that was stolen from me. I was easy game. I didn't know how much money my Mom paid for rent. I didn't know how much money she paid for food. I did not know anything about the cost of living, I had no idea that, at 18 I'd be financially responsible for myself for the rest of my life. So... to expect me to make decisions involving my financial future was ridiculous. But that is exactly what the staff members at the Stevens Creek Mission asked of me. I was approached in 1981, when I was 15 years old, to join staff and work for the Mission of Steven's Creek. I was asked to sign a five year contract. So was my little brother, only 13 years old. Because I'd been sold on the idea that Scientology was somehow the answer to all my problems, of course I signed up for staff. I was told that I would get all the Scientology training and counseling I needed in return for my work on staff. They were somehow doing me a "favor" by allowing me to work for them. I was told it was some kind of work study program. I was not paid for my work for most of my work, occasionally 20 dollars at the end of a full time week. It was nothing in the scheme of things. I thought it was a lot. If I had accepted a job arranged for me by school counselors as soon as I was 16, at a local TV station for pay and school credits, I would have made about 60 a week for part time work, and 120 dollars a week full time in the summer AND I'd have gotten school credits for it towards college. Yet, because I was approached by a staff member at the Church of Scientology at age 15, without my mom present, without consulting our social worker or my school counselors, I got tricked into making a dumb mistake. I'm not against people in Scientology who have been made happier or helped when no one else seemed to be around to help. I'm not against those people in Scientology who still have hope that the Scientology movement is the cure all for all the world's problems. I am not an enemy to Scientology or Scientologists. In fact, I consider myself a friend. If I was not criticizing, or talking to journalists about my experiences, or posting stories on the internet, or trying in some way to reach others about Scientology --- then I wouldn't care and I'd be perfectly willing for anyone getting involved, about to get involved, to just fall into the exact same traps I did. I'd be perfectly willing to let members of the Church of Scientology keep making all the same mistakes and telling the same lies to themselves and others. Cults spring up around the world to solve problems real or imagined in the society. I can see that maybe my attraction to Scientology was somehow a way for me to solve my problems with an imperfect and not fully functional family unit. I could imagine that maybe, somehow the school system was letting me down, my social workers were letting me down and my family too. Yet, at the same time, I can also see that this idea didn't occur to me until AFTER I'd been contacted by Scientology recruiters. I did not walk into Scientology looking for an escape from my own family and the school system, but that is what I got. I did not think that I was depressed about my life until a Scientology recruiter showed me my free Personality Test (OCA) telling me I was depressed. So after about a year of working part time and full time for the Steven's Creek Mission for little to no pay, and only two counseling sessions that didn't go all that well , I was recruited by a Sea Page 15 of 30
Organization Recruiter from the Church of Scientology of Clearwater. He told me he was from the Flag Personnel Procurement Office. An important sounding name. The recruiter was dressed in a navy uniform and explained to me that the Sea Organization was an elite group of well organized Scientologists dedicated to resolving all the worlds problems using the new discoveries of L. Ron Hubbard about the mind and life. I felt flattered that I was being approached to be a member. I'd seen this recruiter and other Sea Organization members in Navy uniforms treated with respect, their orders followed, around the Steven's Creek Mission. This Sea Organization recruiter told me that if I joined the Sea Organization, that I would get all the help I needed to finish high school and get a college education. I was even promised film school which I wanted to do. I was promised that I would be put immediately into full time training as a Scientologist. I'd learn how to become a Scientology counselor and I could learn how to help people. I could learn how to help my mom and others. I would get paid regularly/weekly and I would get room and board and free medical and dental care. I was promised that I'd get a vacation every year for three weeks to visit my mother AND a day off every other week as well. I was also told I could easily leave if I didn't want to be in the Sea Organization anymore. I could not wait to sign up... The recruiter came to my apartment in Santa Clara and told my mother all the same things to get her to sign the parental consent form. My mother was drunk at the time and she saw my enthusiasm, was intimidated by the guy in a navy uniform and she signed the parental consent. My little brother was there and he wanted to come with me. She signed a consent form for him too. He was only 14 years old. The recruiter had lied about all the things I would get when I joined the Sea Organization and he lied to my mother too. My little brother and I were essentially kidnapped and put on a plane to Clearwater Florida. My twin sister joined the Sea Organization two years later, when she completed high school and found that she really missed us both. She is still involved and not speaking to me or my brother because we left staff and she has not. I had no way of knowing back then that the C of S would make important promises to me and my mother and then not keep them. The internet didn't exist back in 1982, and I hadn't seen any bad reports about Scientology. I had no reason not to trust this guy in the navy like uniform in helping me make a very life changing decision. Upon our arrival to Clearwater Florida, we were both put to work immediately doing laundry duty. We did this for a month. It was hard work. We also cleaned rooms. The duties assigned to us often kept us up until 4AM in the morning. We were violating child labor laws in Florida, but I did not know that and my new superiors at the Church of Scientology of Clearwater didn't care. When I complained that my brother and I needed to go to school, I was told by the Scientologist (also a 16 year old kid) supervising my work, that "wog schools will just brainwash you, all you need to study is Scientology." When I complained that I was also promised full time training as a Scientology counselor, I was told that "Oh, well, you don't have enough work experience, so you have to work more before you can get rewarded with full time training."
Page 16 of 30
When I complained that that was not what I was promised, I was told that I was being "first dynamic oriented" which is the Scientology and Sea Organization term for "being selfish." I did not like being called selfish. I did not want to be that, so I quit complaining. I was in a difficult position. I did not really like my assigned guardian, I wasn't enjoying the work and the long hours. How could I get my little brother and I back home? I had no money for a plane ticket. My mom certainly could not afford it. I'd learned when I was 11 that my step-father was not my "real dad" so I was reluctant to ask him for anything, he'd never officially adopted us and I already felt like I owed him too much. I went to my superiors in the Sea Organization and I expressed that I was unhappy and that I wanted to go back to California. I was told calmly that I "had withholds" and that I could cure myself of wanting to leave by writing them down. I didn't really know what to write at first. I had to figure out that it meant things I didn't think my new friends would like to hear about. I wrote that I'd complained over the phone to my sister about the Sea Organization and how it was not what I expected, I wrote that I made mistakes on the laundry—I had trouble with "double creases" on the shirt sleeves and pants and got poor service votes for that. I wrote that I could never get the laundry done on time. I was assigned a condition of "Confusion" and I was shown the Scientology Ethics Book on how to deal with confusion. I got given a "Locational" to help me to find out where I was. I greatly enjoyed the "Locational". It gave me the opportunity to look around and explore the Scientology buildings in Clearwater more. I got to go to the top of the Fort Harrison hotel and look out over Clearwater from high up. The person helping me with the locational was very friendly and nice to me. It was good to get out of the laundry room and be making a new friend. It was good to see Clearwater at a more leisurely pace than my first brief tour of the place. I asked questions about the FH and about the other buildings. I could see there were things about Clearwater I could like. I wanted to check out the beach, but we didn't have time. Then, I briefly read the other ethics conditions and did them too. One of them was "Treason" which is done after Confusion. I had to FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE ______. I had to find out that I was a SEA ORGANIZATION MEMBER, and that I now had that responsibility. I was not just Maureen from Santa Clara, I was a SEA ORGANIZATION MEMBER. After I studied and thought and wrote down things, with the help of the Ethics Officer helping me, I worked through the conditions of confusion, treason, enemy, and up to Doubt. On the Doubt formula, I had to look at the statistics of the church of Scientology. I got shown these graphs depicting all the great works of Scientology Organizations around the world and I was told how the Sea Organization influences that. I was shown all the thousands of people Scientology was helping and then I had to compare that to the statistics of the group I was considering going back to, just being a kid and finishing high-school. Hmmm.... when I go to high school, I was only helping me and not anyone else. I didn't have any statistics for spiritually freed beings. I had to decide which was a better group to be a part of. Being a Sea Organization member or being a student in a wog (a derogatory term for a non Scientologist) high school that apparently brainwashes kids with psychology information. With the "help" and guidance of my Ethics Officer, I decided to stay in the Sea Organization. This took all of a day to do. The next day I was given some "hatting" on how to do laundry so that it would not take me so long to do. My laundry duties were also lessened so that it would not take us until 4 AM in the mornings to finish all the work.
Page 17 of 30
"Hatting" is the Scientology term for "training". I was shown a Flag Order, which are the policies particular to Sea Organization members, that said that all Sea Organization Members are expected to do ANY JOB WHETHER HATTED OR NOT. So I could not refuse a job just because I didn't know how to do it well. This was hard for me to accept. My step father had always taught me, "if you are going to do something, do it right" and so I felt that I was being pressured to do poor work whenever I got assigned jobs I had no training for. And did not like that I was expected to do a great job on the laundry without any training, but I could not refuse to do the work because of it. I was glad that I got the hatting on how to do laundry better. I wished I'd had it earlier. My brother and I were then assigned to a month of studying about what a Sea Organization Member was so that I could become a better one. I was told that my "going into doubt" about the Sea Organization didn't really count since I had not done Product Zero, the basic Sea Organization member training, which I should have done when I first arrived. I learned kind of the hard way that most Sea Organization Members often have not studied the LRH Policies for their assigned duties and so they make mistakes that later have to be corrected. It was apparently a mistake that my little brother and I were assigned to laundry duty when we first arrived and not to Sea Org Basic Training, a mistake that I could have noticed if I had read more books of LRH orders. I was taught that LRH was always right about everything, so if something went wrong, it was because his orders were not followed by everyone involved. It was so contradictory to their practice of putting people onto jobs that they had not done any training for. We went into a group of about 50 new Sea Organization Members in Clearwater and we had to do the EPF, Estates Project Force. I made many new friends, I was studying and learning. I was appeased for the moment and felt that I had made the right decision and that I should not have doubted it. But also, I felt safer going with the flow of things, with the group. The idea of being alone in Clearwater without anyone else's support was terrifying to me. I'd found that "being in doubt" was really frowned on and I'd been given the cold shoulder even at the mention of it as if it was some kind of disease. My brother and I were both very hard working. He got given a job at the Fort Harrison of the Internal Communications Flow Officer. He delivered all the mail and letters. He enjoyed the job, he didn't have to work on the weekends, because it "looked bad" to have kids working on the weekends in Florida. Since I was 16, it didn't matter if I worked on the weekends, so I always did. I was put into a management organization called the Commodores Messenger Organization. I did very well here doing errands and being a communicator/admin. I was promoted to "over the rainbow" which was a term for working out in Hemet at the International Management base and film studio for the C of S. I spent the next 17 years at the Int Base, mostly working in Golden Era Productions, for the film crew and in the Grounds Dept. During my 17 years, I never finished high school. I never got a college education. I learned some basic film making skills, but nothing that could be called a "film school." I also never completed any formal Scientology training as a counselor as I was promised. I liked the "method one" that I received, which was counseling on the subject of past words not understood in studies. I got to do the Key to Life course which is also related to literacy and words. Mostly what I studied were the manuals to equipment and on the job training programs. I worked an average of 18 hours a day or more, 7 days a week. I did errands, manual labor, building maintenance and repair, videography, camera work, video playback, set construction, gardening and Page 18 of 30
irrigation projects, etc. Jobs ranging from semi-skilled work to very skilled work. Many of the skills I'd learned earlier in public school programs were taken advantage of. It was implied to me that I was smart because I was a "past life Scientologist" and not because I actually had a great school system taking care of me before Scientology. The Santa Clara County school system had and still has some of the best schools in America. I was allowed to visit my mom only on two occasions for less than a week each time. My entire life was taken over. Whenever I complained or tried to change things for the better for myself, I had to do the appropriate Ethics Condition until I was perfectly happy to be taken advantage of personally and in relationship to my family. I never got any help with my mother. In fact, in 1992, I was told I had to disconnect from her! Because she was connected to psychiatrists who are the big enemy of Scientology. By being constantly led on about what I was going to get from the Sea Organization for my work and then never actually getting it, I essentially had a great deal of my life extorted from me. I calculated approximately how much the Church of Scientology International and the Church of Scientology of Clearwater would have had to pay a regular worker for all the hours I worked for them in my 18 years in the Sea Organization, and it calculated to one million dollars. If the Churches of Scientology International and Clearwater had to pay minimum wage or slightly more for the more skilled work, plus the overtime then they would owe me about 500,000 (I subtracted what I was given as room and board and some counseling). There were thousands of hours I spent working on my sleep time on "allnighters." In 1993, I added up how many hours of actual sleep time I'd been given and divided it by the number of days in that year. The average of sleep time I got in 1993 was 2.5 hours a day! ALL YEAR. 1994 was better, I averaged about 4.5 a night all year. I developed health problems and emotional problems just from the stress of never sleeping and some work related injuries. I had to quit staff. Or they kicked me out for not being as productive anymore. Whichever. I left. I "routed out" which took me three years of being forced to confess to sins and evil intentions. I just started making things up after a while. It was not fun. I totally understand why others have chosen to skip the "route out" step by simply leaving. I found it oppressive and challenging to my sanity. My husband [name deleted by admins] filed for a divorce without even speaking to me during this time. He was a Scientology kid, raised in Scientology and it was all he knew, he did not want to ever leave. Even though I hadn't really gotten to know him very well, (we were both too busy to have a real marriage), I was upset about the divorce. Since I had donated half a million dollars worth of skilled labor, I feel like I have a right to complain about certain lies I was told about what I would get for all my work. During the last 4 years of my Sea Organization life, I discovered that medical and dental are not always given when needed. In fact, it has to get approved by financial planning committees and by the Medical Liaison office. I was often told that "there was not enough money" to pay for my medical and dental needs. When I finally got out of the SO, I had 3,000 worth of dental needs (wisdom teeth, root canals, and a cap) and I had over 10,000 worth of physical therapy and MRIs needed for my spine problems. Injuries I'd gotten doing manual labor for the C of S that I had been denied proper care for. I did manage to finally get a little Workers Compensation Insurance, but not nearly enough.
Page 19 of 30
David Miscavige, who runs the Church of Scientology from his position in Religious Technology Center, ordered a brand new house to be built for LRH around 1996. It cost 30 million dollars. There were no writings left behind by LRH asking for a new house. He liked his old one. I had actually seen that in writing, the "Very Well Dones" on the renovations projects of his old house when he was still alive to see the photographs of it. There were no verbal or written instructions to David Miscavige to spend 30 million dollars of the CofS money on a new house for LRH, yet DM did so, just on his own whim. So, there was no money to help me see a doctor. I was mad about this, especially after I'd essentially "donated" about half a million dollars of skilled labor. But there WAS money to build a house that was not really needed. I will never forget this one time after I had read a note from the Medical Liaison Officer telling me that my request to get my back and neck examined was denied because of lack of money, and I looked up the hill to the north of the Hemet property and I saw a brand new house being built. Would LRH even care if he had a new house, or would he have wanted me to get my medical needs taken care of? If anything made me realize I was being a slave, that was it. After I routed out, I tried to stay a public Scientologist in good standing for five years. I tried to take courses at the Glendale Mission and I volunteered regularly for the Citizens Commission on Human Rights, at their office on Hollywood Blvd. I was stressed out by all the demands placed on me as a public Scientologist. I was routinely demanded to donate between 3,000 and 6,000 a year. Money I did not really have. I was also discouraged from going back to school and I was discouraged from pursuing medical care for my spine. I was told that what I needed was Scientology auditing and training. I wanted this to be true. I wanted to think that what I had worked so hard for was the answer to my problems. I wanted to think that I had not wasted over half my life promoting and training others in something that did not actually deliver what it promised. Well, I kind of had to wake up one day, because I had an eating disorder. I'd suffered from it off and on for 10 years and it was getting worse again. Only this time, I didn't have a bunch of Sea Org Members around me to come to the rescue, I was on my own with it. I'd had hours and hours of confessionals, checking for evil intentions and even three tries at the Introspection Rundown (probably about 180,000 worth of Scientology counseling) and it had not worked to permanently solve my eating problems. I HAD to seek help elsewhere. I was losing weight, I felt like I was dying. I contacted some exScientologists on the internet asking for help. I emailed with Chuck Beatty and he found me some other ex-Scientologists who said they could help me. They did not try to convince me to leave Scientology. They gave me a choice. They said their offer of help, both financially and in terms of advice was not dependent on whether I wanted to leave Scientology or not. I found this refreshing, because Scientology will ONLY help you if you want to stay a member. They won't help ex-members. I did eventually decide that I did want to seek non-Scientology help, so I got in touch with a very good psychologist who was a specialist in eating disorders. I had not officially said, "I'm not a Scientologist" but going over to see a psychologist for help is about the same thing. Within about 7 sessions, only costing me $280.00, I was cured. I no longer had an eating disorder. I was amazed at how smart this psychologist was. She was amazed at how easy I was to work with. She was amazed that Scientology had spent so many hours trying to help me and failing, because I was factually one of her easiest cases. I'd been being told what a difficult and next to impossible case I was to work with by the best auditors and Scientology tech terminals in the world. I mean at the Int base, Page 20 of 30
the tech team is expected to be better even than at Flag, they have twice as many things to do to get RTC OK to work in the tech teams at the Int base. Yet, they were complete failures in relationship to helping me with my problems. I'd been questioning Scientology before, but this really made me question it more. I called [name deleted by admin], at the Citizens Commission on Human Rights on a Wednesday when I was supposed to volunteer at night, and I told her I was getting help with a psychologist. Sam said that I could no longer volunteer at CCHR because I was 'sleeping with the enemy.' I wished Sam would see my psychologist because she was dangerously overweight. I was worried that she too would not get any help for her eating disorder within the framework of Scientology. I had heard other stories earlier about Scientologists who died of eating disorders despite being on auditing lines at an Advanced Organization. I began to think of the Citizens Commisison on Human Rights as more of a fanatic hate group than a group of people who wanted to improve the field of mental health. It broke my heart to think of them like that, because I really liked many of the staff there and I always thought about how my mom had been abused in a mental hospital long ago and how it would have been cool if CCHR was around back then to stick up for her. But the problem I was having with continuing to endorse the Citizen Commission on Human Rights is that they do not acknowledge that Scientology does not and cannot help with many kinds of mental health issues, they do not acknowledge that there are good psychologists and psychiatrists around. To them, they are ALL bad and Scientologists are forbidden to seek help from them. To CCHR ALL of psychiatry and psychology are some kind of evil plot against the human race. So in late 2005, I was mad that I still had not been allowed to see my sister, and I was mad that I had needed to go outside of Scientology for help with my personal problems, problems I'd been told Scientology WOULD and COULD help me with but never did. I spoke to a journalist for the December 2005 LA Times article about the Int base. She quoted me about a project I'd worked on to impress Tom Cruise in the early 90's. I'd had to stay up all night pulling up sod in a small field so that wild flowers could be planted there the next day to impress TC. The field never grew in very well and got re-sodded later. But the fact that 20 religious workers donated their sleep time preparing this wildflower field for TC was something I felt I had an obligation to report on. If Scientology gets tax exempt status, it seems like this was very clearly an abuse of this. Because I contributed to an article that embarrassed the C of S, I was declared a Suppressive Person. In May of 2006, I was handed a piece of paper in Gold color with a bunch of lies about me. There is paragraph in my SP declare about how Suppressive Persons should not be accorded the rights of a rational human being. I found that Scientology was very clearly against freedom of speech. I had not lied, yet I was being told that I was a Suppressive and should not have any rights because of what I had done. I was given a message from my sister, "I hope she gets on with her life." I don't know what that was supposed to mean, but I never heard from my sister again. Being declared a Suppressive meant that none of my Scientology friends or family (sister) could speak to me anymore. I have been going back to college and getting the education I wanted and I wished I could have gotten earlier. I have learned about the Constitution and about the Bill of Rights and about democracy. I have improved my writing skills and my thinking skills. I have been able to properly evaluate many of the things I was fed about Dianetics and Scientology.
Page 21 of 30
I can say that despite whatever gains and improvements that Scientology gave me, it was not worth all the work I gave them. I do not think it was legal for them to kidnap me when I was 16 and then trick me into donating so much of my labor. I think it should be illegal for them to recruit minors into the Sea Organization at all. Donating time and/or money to any Scientology organization is gambling, they have no integrity as a group for delivering or keeping good on any of the promises that their recruiters and sales people use to obtain donations and new recruits. Maureen Smith Bolstad Ed. note: Maureen “Twin A” Bolstad was interviewed by KESQ-TV News Channel 3 in Palm Springs, as apart of Nathan Baca’s Investigation Series on “Anonymous vs. Scientology.” This revealing looking at the at the controversies surrounding the Church of Scientology International Headquarter in Riverside County, California is available online at http://tinyurl.com/KESQBaca. For more Vol 1 personal accounts from Ex Scientology Kids, please visit: http://exscientologykids.com/voicesinunison.html
ESK - Voices in Unison! Vol 2 Karen Steps Forward: Why I'm Against Scientology
Original Source: http://exscientologykids.com/karen.html A letter to both Scientologists and non-Scientologists My name is Karen Wolff, formerly Karen Mitchell. I am 27 years old. I was born to Scientologist parents and raised in the Church of Scientology. I have spent thousands of hours studying and practicing its methods. I worked for the Church as both a volunteer and paid employee, occasionally, from 1992 to 1996. I joined the Sea Organization in January of 1997, and left in the fall of 2000. I was peripherally involved with Scientology from then until approximately 2004. I was originally a steadfast and enthusiastic follower of the Church. However, it has become apparent that the neglect, exploitation, suffering, and abuse that I personally experienced was not as isolated as I believed. Upon discovering its widespread nature, through discussions with others who were in the Sea Org or raised by its members, I have realized that it is my duty to step forward with my own story. It has become apparent that the Church cannot or will not police itself, nor will it allow any outside entity to scrutinize or regulate it. I do not do this lightly. I do this in the hope that it will persuade others who have remained silent to also speak up. I do this in the hope that the Church, as a group, will turn a critical and intolerant view inward. I do this in the Page 22 of 30
hope that those who have covered up crimes to protect the name of the Church will be exposed, removed from authority, and prosecuted. I do this as a small token for those who will never be able to speak for themselves. For my actions, and because I no longer hold its tenets true to an absolute, the Church will label me their enemy. I am an enemy of any people who work within the Church actively committing or perpetuating crimes. However I will never consider any individual Scientologists my enemies just because of their personal religious beliefs. Following the path of their religion is their right. Those Scientologists who were once my friends remain so in my eyes; should any one decide to continue talking to me despite the church saying they can’t, I would welcome their company, and be glad of it. I will not recognize any attempts to force my brother to “disconnect” from me. Scientology does not have the right to interfere in my family, who are eternally mine and will always have my love and support, no matter what their spiritual beliefs. There are those who the Church has labeled as evil and bad influences, and forbidden any Scientologist to contact in any way. I do not and shall never recognize the right of the Church to tell me who to talk to. I will continue to communicate with and call my friends anyone who I want to. This will be another reason for the Church of Scientology to label me and take me to task. I don’t care. I do care about my friends – and trust my own judgment about who is evil and who isn’t. I challenge any Scientologist who is at all involved in a disconnection or knows someone who is “Declared a Suppressive Person”, to think and question for themselves. Despite the pressure that the organization will bring upon you, or perhaps because of it, I dare you to stand up. I have been silent for a long time. There are many reasons for it. In the beginning, I was a child, and like many children I did not have the ability to judge my own situation from an exterior point of view. I knew only my own life, and had nothing to compare it to. I would have been shocked at a suggestion that I was being abused. As I became aware that things were not as they should be, I was still a child and not strong enough, not brave enough to come forward. I saw what happened to those who questions or objected, and learned not to. I was also silent out of a desire to protect the Church. I had been taught, and therefore “knew” that the Church of Scientology had to be good. Therefore my own experiences must be invalid or isolated incidents. I could not see why I would injure or damage an organization for one, small person’s unhappiness. Now years later I see the fallacy in that logic. Why would a group that treated me so not also treat others the same way? We all were silent together, never knowing that the other was also suffering, and never imagining that our own happiness might not deserve to be sacrificed. Therein lies a great weapon for the Church. This is one that I hope to obliterate. When I left the environment of Scientology, I kept any knowledge, opinions, or feelings locked in a metaphorical box. It has taken me time to open that box and realize what is in it, from my new point of Page 23 of 30
view as an adult. Perhaps my years away from the Church will give room to discredit me. Perhaps people will say that my life story is outdated. But some things never become unimportant due to age. And there are many more stories newer than mine, and worse. I stayed silent for a little while out of fear; fear of losing my family, my friends, my security and safety in my new life. I am fully aware that there will be repercussions for my actions. But with the understanding that something must be done comes a need for me to set that fear aside. I cannot speak for other people, only myself. I do not have any copies of damning paperwork, or exciting or flashy or gruesome photos, or juicy gossip about someone inside the Church. What I do have is my story. Contained within it is knowledge of criminally negligent treatment of children, substandard working conditions, and a failure to care for or about its own parishioners and employees. It’s just the story of one child, one girl, a drop in the sea. It’s just a little window into a world that some people don’t know exists. I hope others will join me with their stories, because we are an army – we just don’t know it yet. Scientologists, this lack of compassion and insistence upon not seeing any wrongdoing has spread like a cancer. It is destroying your people. I implore you to take a hard look at your priorities, that which drives your actions, and their true results. Perhaps, for instance, money is not the best focus for a church. Words are not enough; to claim “the greatest good” or “to save Mankind” does not make it a fact. I ask you to beware those justifications which can cover any sin imaginable. Frankly, what can be done in the name of the greater good frightens me to no end. There are good things in and about Scientology. I will never deny that. Unfortunately, that a group or philosophy is partially good does not guarantee that the rest of it is. In some cases, like this one, the harm done dramatically outweighs any good. There are many of us who have left Scientology forever. Perhaps you should ask why. The Church would have you ignore our words “for your own protection” and “to save you from enturbulation”. But maybe you are stronger than they give you credit for. Maybe you should make up your own mind instead of doing what someone else tells you to. I have faith that you are capable of such a thing. You should, too.
ESK - Voices in Unison! Vol 2 Cantsay's Scientology Story
Original Source:http://exscientologykids.com/cantsay.html Page 24 of 30
I've never really spoken about my time in the Church. Only my family and one of two close friends know I was a Scientologist, and that I was married. I don’t tell people, because frankly, it sounds too weird to talk about. I've never spoken about it out of fear of retribution, fear of hurting those I admire who are still in the CoS, and the fact that I still believe in the effects of overts and natter and the fact that I really don’t think Im a bad person and therefore don’t want to act like and SP. I don’t think Ive been declared as yet, and really don’t want to be – because Im not one, and it would hurt like mad that people could think such a thing when they knew me so well. Having said that though, Ive been out of the church for over 5 years, and despite silent phone numbers and several house moves, they keep trying to find me. Im sick of it, Ive had enough, I don’t want to be harassed anymore. Perhaps telling my story will put them off. My highschool boyfriend was in a scientology family, and I did a course with him while I was at my first year of university. Everyone was nice, warm, caring and I liked the place. I was recruited onto the TTC when I was 18. It was obvious at the time that I was only being recruited because they wanted to use me as leverage to recruit my boyfriend – I was openly told that in the interview – and then potentially his family could be recruited too. I didn’t mind, I thought they were doing this for a noble cause. I trained up to Class IV internship GAT auditor but never get much auditing myself – I was too PTS. I suffer from migraines, and was therefore not suitable to audit. The fact that my mother was schizophrenic and heavily opposed to the church was a huge problem. I got married to my boyfriend because it was expected. I remember an IAS speaker asking us when we were planning to get married when I was still 18... I was shocked at how normal he thought that was. After being in the Church for a year, I thought it was normal too. Funny how your perceptions change. Most of the problems I had with people in the church centred around the problem of my SP mother. Now I still agree that the woman is nuts. She is a terrible mother and I try not to have any contact with her. However, many incidents occurred (including my mother-in-law being instructed by senior staff to try to make my mother go completely insane. She tried, and of course made matters worse.) and a lot of it was to try to get my mother to sign an affidavit that she wouldn’t sue the church. In the end, I said “hey – standard tech is to disconnect from the SP. So that is what I will do.” Well, everyone went off the deep end. You cant do that, she might sue us!! Well, it’s the correct thing to do, and Ill never get audited if I don’t. Too bad, the reputation of the church in the media is more important than you following policy or getting up the bridge missy. There are lots of double standards in the church, and policy can be used to justify almost anything. You can natter all you like about public that are “difficult” to get money out of, or a fellow staff member if they are in ethics, and that isn’t considered an overt. Seemed wrong to me. Some things are done that were downright horrid. Its quite acceptable to keep someone in a room inside the org overnight while you try to convince them to join staff, and not let them leave. I joined staff because I thought I could help people. I didn’t realise it meant years of working 7 nights a week, hardly ever allowed to take time off to see family and friends, working for free most of the time and Page 25 of 30
being expected to coerce others into doing the same. All staff I knew were broke. That was one motivating factor for more staff – the more you have the more income, therefore we might actually get paid!!! Great trick, that. And if you DID have money, there was always an IAS event that would convince you to hand it over. Everyone I knew that joined staff with money didn’t have it for long. When I got pregnant I suffered from a lot of bleeding and was ordered by a doctor to have bed rest and no work. I was so stressed and I had no family or friend support (they had all drifted away). Ill never forget the phonecall where a senior staff member rang to tell me I should be at the org auditing and it shouldn’t matter if the baby dies – doing my duty was more important. I was even threatened with a ComEv. I stuck to my guns and stayed home, despite the harassment. When the baby did eventually die, she rang to tell me I shouldn’t blame myself, and to get back in the org immediately. Too bad that I was still very ill. When I was punched in the face by my husband during an argument (when I was pregnant), I was sent to ethics to have my overts pulled and nearly lost it when the auditor said I had to have done something to MAKE him hit me. It was my fault apparently – my husband worked in the ethics department. When he wanted to go to Flag for training later, he and the ED asked me very pointedly “are you SURE it wasn’t just a slap? You know, you may just have exaggerated a bit?” I replied “sure, just a slap. Whatever you think”. I figured if he wanted to lie, he could. Who cares. At that point I was sick of being ethics bait and was happy to avoid any conflict. "Face-ripping" is another wonderful thing done to staff. I've had it done to me twice. Both for writing a Knowledge Report about senior staff (so much for the policy regarding Knowledge Reports). I was accused of being an SP during the first face-ripping by a guy who later was found to be stealing thousands from patrons. The second one was by the ED, with my husband helping him by guarding the door so I couldn’t leave. Conveniently this was done during the staff meeting occurring in the next room. Presumably to warn other staff not to criticise senior staff either. That’s when I realised the group I was in was not a healthy place to be. It finally dawned on me. The only people who do this kind of stuff to another person were “suppressive”. By staying I was committing an “overt of omission” – I would make it ok for this to be done to another, by making it look as though it works. By going, perhaps the higher administration would come under scrutiny from higher up in the chain. I didn’t really know that this was the same shit done in every damn CoS, and was worse in the SO. However, I haven’t been declared as far as I know, so perhaps someone realises Im not evil. After 3 years, I had had enough. I was simply a cash cow, auditing people instead of getting my training finished. Money is more important than making sure people get the quality they think they are paying for. It was frustrating and it felt unethical. Every time I opened my mouth I was sent to ethics. I was so stressed I was having migraines constantly (and expected to audit through them, even thowing up), I was sick all the time, I was so thin I couldn’t recognise myself in the mirror. I made it clear I was not happy and I needed help. None happened. Everyone firmly believed in the policy that an auditor just gets shoved back in to work, it doesn’t matter whats wrong with them. One day I left a note for my husband and packed my bags. I left, and it broke my heart – not leaving the bastard, but to leave when I felt I owed the public I was supposed to help, and the staff that were my friends. I didn’t turn up to the church that night, and the people I was supposed to audit began asking questions. Everyone was absolutely furious. I have been back twice over the past 5 years, out of a feeling of guilt, to do ethics. The public I knew were lovely and were simply glad to see me and glad to see I was trying to get “back on track”. Most Page 26 of 30
of the staff hated me, and I mean full-on HATED me. I decided I was happier, healthier and could still help people without being in such a nasty environment. The ones who didn’t hate me were too scared to be very friendly. They had all been told I was an SP, a real boogyman. I realised that as much as I loved helping people and still thought the technology would work, I would never be trusted, I would forever be ethics-bait, and the problems in the Church were the same as they had ever been. The public may have problems with being ripped off, but staff can really suffer. I still feel really sad about the whole thing, but since I left I got divorced, have finished a degree, have a successful career, have wonderful relationships with my family and friends. I rarely have migraines anymore, Im very healthy and achieving so much. I feel really happy with my life, and there is no way I will give all that up to go back. If you are still in the Church and you are happy there – great. It would be nice if you can make sure policy isn’t being used as an excuse for verbal or mental abuse. There is no excuse for that behaviour, I don’t care how it is justified. Stand up for your own integrity and be willing to stand by your guns if you think something is wrong. What Ive been through is nothing compared to others. Im sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay in the church and fix things from the inside.
ESK - Voices in Unison! Vol 2 Sharone's Scientology Story
Original Source: http://exscientologykids.com/sharone.html This is part of the time after I came out of the Sea Org, even now part of me doesn't want to press send, makes me feel vulnerable. But on the other hand I think people should know how Scientology and disconnection messes with a child's head. I'll never forget the first night in the assessment centre. Lying in bed, in a dorm full of strange children quietly crying myself to sleep. Thinking how I was a criminal and my big crime was wanting to be loved. Surely at 12 years old you are entitled to being loved and cared for, but apparently not. The centre was a secure unit, no bars on the windows but none of the outside doors could be opened, none of the windows opened more than a couple of inches. The man in charge reminded me of the MAA minus the Sea Org uniform. He made it plain from the start, “Don’t mess with us and we will get along just fine”. “You cannot get out of here, so don’t even try, you will be punished if you attempt to escape.” I felt like I had swapped one prison for another one. Whilst what Hubbard was doing had to be illegal, this one was within the law. I was trapped. There was constant probing into my back ground, questions about my family, where had I been abroad? I was constantly on the alert, it took some doing giving only the most basic of answers, Page 27 of 30
because I’m sure they were trying to catch me out. Always give a shore story, that’s what Hubbard had said, and although I hated Hubbard, he was a cruel, nasty man, it seemed I had to comply to survive. I constantly wondered what had happened to my Dad. Even these people couldn’t tell me, it's like he had disappeared off of the face of the earth. Just like the people on the ship, there in the day and then gone in the night. Where had they gone, it was strange because they had seemed like nice people and yet according to Hubbard they had done terrible things. In contradiction I saw that Hubbard ordered terrible things done to his crew. So who was lying? It had to be Hubbard. I had wondered if my Dad had been murdered, I wasn’t sure if that was possible, could Hubbard be that cruel? I felt sure he could. It was hard to adjust to my new surroundings, a motley group of kids from all walks of life and backgrounds. At least they spoke in a language I understood, it was a given that you did not probe into why they were there, every one of us with our own secrets and sad tales to keep. I realized you did not have to have come from a Scientology background to have shit thrown at you as a child. It was common place, this neglect of children's lives. What I failed to understand was why we were being punished, for the failings of adults. I would never trust an adult for as long as I lived. I was assigned a social worker, more questions. When would these people realize I would tell them nothing. They sure as hell wouldn’t understand even if I did. And they would not believe me even if I did tell them. Who in their right mind would believe what went on in the Sea Org? It was so far removed from the world these people lived in and if I told them, would I then be locked up in a room by myself, no windows, just a bed. Just me, a bed and a lifetime of nothingness. I was non existent. A Suppressive person. I knew Hubbard was a fraud, but what if he was right about me. I did after all have terrible thoughts about him and you were not supposed to have these thoughts. It was a crime. Treason. Was my Dad locked up somewhere too? He was in Treason. Trust no one. There was a school room on the [social services] premises and we followed the national curriculum during the week. It was at least some respite from my worries and fears. The teacher was quite nice as far as adults go. Weekends we were allowed out to the local shops on a Saturday morning, supervised one adult to two children, to make sure we didn’t escape. My first trip out I scoured the surrounding area as best I could with a view to escaping at the first available opportunity. Some of the kids had done so before but had always eventually been found and brought back. When I escaped I was never going to be taken back. Then came the visit from the psychiatrist, according to Hubbard the most Suppressive people on earth. You would think that I would have realized by now that Hubbard was wrong about psychiatrists, but it was ingrained in me and my Dad had said the same. I had believed my Dad. I was convinced the psychiatrist thought I was mad, he was waiting for me to slip up and when I did, that would be it. They would put me in a mental institution and throw away the key. That’s what psychiatrists did, wasn’t it? They would mess with my mind and because my mind was already in a very fragile condition it wouldn’t take much to tip it over the edge. I had laughed with another girl in the SO about how in the real world we would be locked up in the nut house if we were to tell any body about the SO. I had laughed because I was so scared that it was true, and here I was faced with this dilemma. I would tell the Psychiatrist nothing, he was no going to catch me out. Tell an acceptable truth, I was not going into a mental institution if I could help it. Page 28 of 30
As I write this I am deeply saddened and angered that my thought processes were so dysfunctional at the age of 12. Whilst I had to take responsibility for sorting through this ingrained indoctrination of Hubbard's philosophy, it was Hubbard that was at fault, not me, but sometimes I thought it was me. After all I was the one that was locked up, whilst Hubbard was free on the sea. When you first go to a new place it is hard to make friends. I learned the hard way that being shunned by your peers was the norm until you proved yourself worthy. No one spoke to me for weeks, the other children [at social services], that is. There was a top girl, who was something of a bully and until she decided you were worth talking to, nobody else dared. Like all bullies, she had a big hard coating on the outside and yet under the surface there were cracks. I found her in the dorm one day crying, her mother was meant to visit and had cancelled. I was the one who dared to approach her and offer some sympathy, she decided I was ok after all, and from then on everyone else talked to me too. The day my step mother turned up was horrible, I think it was at the insistence of the staff there. She came rushing in, said she only had five minutes as she had to get to St. Hill. Told me "I had pulled it in" and "it was up to me to 'handle it'" and then promptly left. I'll never forget the look on the care worker's face, she could not believe how my step mother had behaved. I never did try and escape from [social services]. I wasn't what you would call happy, but I did settle into a routine of sorts. I made some great friends because we were all in the same boat and it was a case of making the best of a bad situation. Towards the end of my stay we went on a two week barge holiday and we were given the most freedom we had had in a long while. It was good fun. Also towards the end of my stay there I went and spent a weekend with my stepmum. I didn't particularly want to go, I didn't want anything more to do with Scientology or her. But the staff had thought it would be a good idea. I had wondered what they would have thought if they had known about Scientology and what had happened in the Sea Org. They seemed to be clueless and could not understand my reluctance to go and visit. It was an awful weekend. I did some baking and played with my sister, that was good,but after that it was Scientologists talking about you've guessed it -Scientology. I was by then sick to death of Scientology, What it had done to my Father and myself. And still nobody knew where my Dad was and if they did they were not saying. I remember sitting there thinking "Why am i here?" and looking around , they all seemed to have the same face. What i thought of as a Scientologists face,I'm trying to think of words to describe it and all i can come up with is 'a glazed smile'. I thought i won't be coming back here again. I t was like i wasn't there to them any way. I surprised myself by crying when i left the center, i didn't want to be there but it was all i had and it was at least familiar. I was moving on to a kids home. I really hated the kids home. It was very strict, a couple of the staff were quite nice but the owners at times treated us with contempt. In many ways it was worse than being under lock and key. We were allowed out by ourselves and went to a public school, but it was obvious where you came from and Page 29 of 30
people, not just children either tended to treat you like there was something wrong with you. It felt like a reflection of me personally, like it was my fault i didn't have a family. I did run away from there, another girl and myself decided we'd had enough. I still had it in my head i would find my Dad, how naive i was, i hadn't a clue where to even start. We started walking headed towards London, we walked the best part of a day. No money, no food, tired aching legs, it was starting to get dark. We walked past a police station and after a short discussion decided to turn ourselves in.The police were very nice about it and we got a lift back to the home, knowing they would not be so kind. We were grounded for a month and had to do extra duties on top of all the duties we already had. Polishing everyones shoes every night became a pet hate of mine. My social worker visited every month and took me out to lunch, i was horrible to him and pleaded with him every time to get me out of there. He kept telling me it wasn't that simple, it always ended in an arguement. How i hated adults.From time to time he would still probe about my time away with my Dad in the SO. I suppose it was obvious i knew more than i was letting on but i was steadfast in refusing to say anything. One day i got a letter, it was from my Dad, i cried and cried and cried when i opened it. He wasn't dead after all. He said he couldn't see me and there was no address to write to him, so i cried some more. There was no mention of his where abouts, what had happened to him or anything. I asked the staff if they knew where he was. They said they knew nothing. I cherished that letter, it was the most valuable thing i owned, i read it over and over again. Crying until i could cry no more. I became very depressed and withdrawn again and felt like i wanted to die. At about this time i started to dream vivid dreams of being back on the ship, i would wake up in a cold sweat. I was always searching for my Dad, searching, searching everywhere but he was no where to be found. Ed. note: Sharone was also interviewed at a global protest against the scientology organization in October, 2008. The Brighton, UK footage is available online at http://vimeo.com/2715857 For more Vol 2 personal accounts from Ex Scientology Kids, please visit: http://exscientologykids.com/voicesinunison.html
Page 30 of 30
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue reading from where you left off, or restart the preview.