Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems, p. 1 of 7 pp.

Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems: 1) Bob Dylan’s -115th Epiphany, 2) Bob Dylan’s Strange Victory, and 3) Bob Dylan’s Journey To the Promised Land 1) Bob Dylan’s -115th Epiphany
I was sitting in a diner late one Saturday night The waitress seemed impatient, maybe spoiling for a fight I just wanted a smile, some scrambled eggs, and some toast I didn’t want no trouble, just some small talk at the most I felt a bit of sympathy though I tried to choke it down I couldn’t stop my thoughts from spinning round and round She finally ambled over and started staring at me Asked me if I wanted any coffee or tea I couldn’t get my words out cause she seemed so awful sad The way she stooped and mumbled, the expression that she had She looked at me with longing and I thought I spied a tear She whispered to me soft, “Can you help get me outta here?” I woulda liked to help her if I’d known what to do But I pretty much just sat there till my meal was through Out the window of my booth I saw a man on the street Looking wasted, kinda loony and shuffling his feet I didn’t drink my coffee or wait for the bill I put down twenty dollars on the windowsill I headed out the door into the gloom and the dark Damned if I remembered where the hell I parked The waitress’ face was burned so deep in my brain I didn’t even notice it was pouring rain I saw the shuffling man out the corner of my eye But pretended not to notice and just looked up at the sky I saw the weeping waitress and the shuffling man there Up inside a black cloud with their arms in the air I kept a’ walking and a’ thinking, I walked real, real far I gave up any hope of ever finding my car My life seemed but a joke and it seemed that joke was a fact So I lay my weary body on the railroad track

Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems, p. 2 of 7 pp. I fell asleep there for a while but when I finally came to I remembered no train had run there since 2000 and 2 They closed it that year because of all the suicides On account of all the relatives whose loved ones had died I could feel them all around me, I could smell their despair I heard their cries and whispers though there was nobody there I stood up real slowly and shook off the dust I looked down at the train tracks all rotted with rust I decided then and there that I would walk back into town But I didn’t see nothing there, I didn’t hear a sound I finally found my car at the break of dawn With a ticket from a cop who must have come and gone The shuffling man was nowhere and the diner was closed The world seemed strange in ways I could never have supposed I felt wise and I felt stupid, I felt giddy and I felt sad It was the most confusing feeling I think I’ve ever had I never had the urge again to lay down and die Everything was different though I had no idea why My life was changed forever in ways I’ll never understand By the train tracks, the waitress, and the shuffling man

2) Bob Dylan’s Strange Victory
I took a long walk today through my favorite park I went when it was sunny, I don’t see good in the dark I sat down for a spell under a big old maple tree And lo and behold it started talking to me “Tell me all that you’ve accomplished, what you still hope to achieve, And all the accolades that you have ever received.” It seemed kinda weird for Mother Nature to be hassling me But I shot right back and said, “You ain’t no goddamned Bodhi tree I don’t think about such things, I’m not responsible to you I ain’t listening anymore, I got better things to do I’m not gonna trouble myself one minute ‘bout the things that you said I’m gonna walk myself on over to the playground instead” So I headed to the playground and I plopped down on a swing Thought I’d try to clear my head out, maybe even listen to the birds sing When this little kid comes over and sits right down next to me He seemed content to swing and pretty much just let me be

Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems, p. 3 of 7 pp. But it soon became apparent that with every swing that I took He was grumbling to himself and shooting me a dirty look When I finally got around to slowing down a hair He suddenly said I had no right to even be there “Leave us alone, Grandpa, let us little kids be Go try to make yourself some decent sort of legacy You’ve wasted your potential, you’re a joke of a man Go do something meaningful if you think you still can Don’t you feel the wind a’ whistling ‘cause the end is near? You can still make a difference, now get the hell outta here” He shot off like greased lightning at a sprinter’s pace Which was good ‘cause if he’d gone on much more I woulda slapped him in his face I wondered where that boy had learned to say what he did I wondered if maybe he wasn’t just some snot-nosed kid Maybe he was an angel, some sort of emissary from God Though he brought me no comfort and he had no staff or rod I knew that thought was crazy, that he was just some little brat I rubbed my eyes and looked once more at the swing where he’d sat I’ve been lost to God my entire life, it’s unlikely I’d be found now I decided to go waste some time in town, I pretty much knew just how I got myself a Coke and started browsing at the dollar store I had no idea what I wanted or what the hell I might want it for I was walking down an aisle and not thinking real clear When a sour-looking old woman said, “Can I help you, dear? It seems to me you’re in need of all the help you can get Given all your advantages in life you ain’t really done shit yet You’ve done nothing for humanity, you’ve made a mess out of your life...” She kept on cutting me into pieces like a Swiss army knife I wanted to find her boss and get her nasty-ass fired But my feet just wouldn’t carry me, they were suddenly weak and tired I felt my head getting woozy and my legs start to give out The last thing I remember was hearing the store manager shout The next thing I know I’m staring right up into space At the nightstick of a cop who was all up in my face I expected him to help me ‘cause I was feeling dizzy and frail But the bastard just dragged my ass off to the county jail It was a travesty of justice that didn’t and don’t make sense Particularly because he never explained to me the nature of my offense I’m in solitary confinement now serving life without parole

Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems, p. 4 of 7 pp. It’s more than enough to destroy most men, at least to crush their soul But I don’t look at it that way, I consider myself free I got no trees no kids no dime-store clerks ragging on me I made friends with a spider, I’ve grown accustomed to the stench It don’t matter if he insults me, I don’t understand French I don’t frequent the library, I got no books on my shelf When I’m bored I just sing Woody Guthrie tunes to myself There’s a lot to be said for living like a brain in a vat I’m not saying it’s for you, I’m just saying that’s where I’m at I don’t worry ‘bout the future or what the meaning of life may be I never get troubled by my conscience and I sleep like a baby

3) Bob Dylan’s Journey To the Promised Land
One day at the drug store I was standing in line Just waiting on my turn nothing much on my mind The fellow standing next to me was looking pretty sad I felt some sympathy well up inside me and asked him what he had He said he had terribly painful joints and that just for a start A lifelong battle with an Achilles’ heel and a badly broken heart He had problems with his bladder and a badly slipped disc He spoke really poor English with a really bad lisp He stuttered and he moaned and then he clutched his side I was worried that any moment he might just keel over and die I wanted to excuse myself politely though I really didn’t need to There wasn’t any contract between us that we had previously agreed to So I sneakily ambled over to the tabloid display Thought I’d see if there was anything new about the Kardashians that day Suddenly a woman who looked a lot like Angelina Jolie Walked herself right over and started in talking to me She had a come hither look in her eyes and a French braid in her hair She told me she wasn’t wearing any underwear Out of the corner of my eye I saw that sickly looking fellow He started in gasping and moaning then proceeded to collapse like a bowl of jello The whole place seemed to go berserk right about then I was so uptight I tried to slow my breath and count to ten Meanwhile everyone around me is just freaking out I heard an ambulance shriek I heard a policeman shout

Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems, p. 5 of 7 pp. Ms. Jolie picks up a paper doesn’t even bat an eye Couldn’t seem to care less whether that man lives or he dies She flashes me a smile and then she hikes up her skirt Invites me to her car jokes how nobody’s gonna get hurt Meanwhile that guy I’d just met on the prescription line? Well they finally gave up trying to take his vital signs The women all started sobbing the body started getting cold As for me I was pretty much hypnotized I just did as I was told I walked out to the parking lot with Angie Jolie I was feeling kinda dazed but pretty lucky to be me Her car seemed kinda sinister the windows looked damned near black But I was quivering with excitement and not about to turn back Things like this just did not happen much less happen this fast Yet there she was smiling all sexy with her foot on the gas We sped out of the city on the old Route 17 Then swerved onto a country road I’d never ever seen I stopped looking at the road and started staring at her She said, “You’ll find out where we’re going when we get there, Sir.” She lit a fancy cigarette didn’t say another word It was outrageously exciting and unbelievably absurd She pulled up to a mansion deeply weird and dimly lit It probably should have frightened me but I no longer gave a shit She beckoned me to the parlor shoved me in a parlor chair Sat down on my lap and started playing with her hair She said, “Would you excuse me while I slip out of these clothes?” I mumbled something stupid swallowed hard and curled my toes She disappeared behind a door smiling like the Cheshire Cat And reappeared in just her stockings not real long after that She poured us both a drink licked her top lip real slow And asked me if I wanted her as if she didn’t know I put the liquor to my lips it had a strange and musky smell Next thing I knew I woke up dazed in what seemed like a prison cell I heard a fellow weeping then some others joined in They started banging on the walls and screaming as if it were a state-run loony bin I had expected to just get laid with a minimum of hassle Now I was a prisoner of a madwoman in some kinda funhouse Bluebeard’s castle I didn’t sleep for many nights I just paced and paced the floor I never touched the fancy food they slipped under the door The sobs and moans were constant they were driving me insane Sick and lurid counterpoints in a symphony of pain

Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems, p. 6 of 7 pp. One day I saw a big old rat run underneath the rug I pulled it back found its hole and dug and dug and dug I dug like a raving lunatic until my hands and fingers bled Till I punched through to a passageway and crawled to where it led There were worms and germs and crawly things vermin everywhere Mud oozed through my shoes and through my clothes while mice ran through my hair I finally saw an opening the rats and mice both knew it They squealed and ran ahead and then I pushed myself right through it I threw myself on the ground below rubbed the filth from my grit-filled eyes I saw a blood-red sun and a pale white moon hanging low in the dark gray skies There was ruin and devastation pretty much everywhere Toxic sludge beneath my feet and a poisonous stench in the air I saw a dog-sized rat sniffing at a rusted garbage can I saw the absence of God amidst the refuse of Man I was clutching my head and dragging my feet Hadn’t had a drink for days and nothing to eat I finally found some putrid water and was eating a rancid Dorito When there out in the distance I swear I saw Max von Sydow He was standing way up high on top of a pile of junk Like it was the goddamned Mount of Olives and he was some holy-ass monk He smiled real gentle and then he beckoned to me I was worried it mighta been some new scam of Angie Jolie But I climbed on up there anyway I had nothing to lose He offered his hand in friendship there was no way I could refuse I never thought I’d see what mighta been the true Son of God On top of a shitload of garbage standing on a spent plutonium rod He said, “Look out in the distance at the good Lord’s grand creation Past the rubble and the squalor of this godforsaken nation Can you see through all those storm clouds to where it’s green and it’s sunny? Walk six days towards where I’m pointing you’ll find a land of milk and honey.” Whether he was speaking some deep truth or being intentionally absurd Either way this was the weirdest shit that I had ever heard I walked down from that junk heap into a valley of despair I never saw what he saw on account of all the pollution in the air But come the morning of the sixth day I finally glimpsed what I’d been after I felt my pulse start going crazy and my lungs start filling up with laughter I saw trees and birds and butterflies I saw contented-looking sheep who were safely grazing I knew it had to be the Garden of Eden or something equally amazing

Three faux-Bob Dylan lyrics/poems, p. 7 of 7 pp. I ran the fastest that I could and got there ‘bout half-past noon The sun was shining way up high on a smiling silvery moon A little lamb approached me started nuzzling my head There was a family of meerkats staring up at me from inside a flower bed I had the wilderness in the west and the sun in the east I had my thoughts and my integrity the birds and the beasts I slept like a newborn baby and awoke to mist-filled dawns I spent my mornings picking berries and my afternoons with fauns I saw the apple tree I expected with the serpent in its branches I knew what had to be done I wasn’t taking any chances I stopped up both my ears with dirt grabbed and shook him by his tail His eyes grew wide with rage and hate I knew I dare not fail I swung him high and wide then smashed his skull against a stone Till nothing was left but a bloody stump till I knew I was alone I cast his body off from me and tied it in a knot I buried it deep in the cold hard ground and left it there to rot I felt violated and filthy there was black blood on my hands But there was one last promise I needed to keep now I was living in the Promised Land I wasn’t near to being finished I wasn’t close to being through Yeah there was one more pretty monumental thing that was left for me to do I was the one who would do the deed no other man would dare to Put an end to the vicious cycle of the ills and pain that flesh is heir to I garnered my strength girded my loins then took a long deep breath And then and there I chopped down the tree of evil human suffering and death Finis August-September, 2013

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