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MoJo Quarterly

:
Keep Jerry Falwell away from my oreo cookies.

Copyright © 2006, by Baratunde R. Thurston.
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This work is dedicated to my mother,
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R.I.P.

17 August 1940 – 12 October 2005
Table of Contents

Introduction 9

MoJos pt. 1 11

I’ll Be a Black Conservative for $240,000 16

MoJos pt. 2 20

Keep Jerry Falwell Away from my Oreo Cookies 25

MoJos pt. 3 30

My Conversation with a Returning US Marine 35

MoJos pt. 4 43

A Final Solution for the Religious Right – But Not in a 48
Holocaust-y Way
MoJos pt. 5 53

I’ll Show You a War on Christmas 58

MoJos pt. 6 62

How do you say “Yes, Massa” in Chinese? 67

MoJos pt. 7 70

Arnita Lorraine Thurston 74
Introduction

Welcome to the first edition of MoJo Quarterly!

This is a Best of 2005 special edition that features the best
Momentary Jokes (MoJos) and essays written by comedian and
author Baratunde Thurston. It’s in chronological order, so you
can relive the best and worst moments of 2005, laughing at both.

This book is free to download, print, pick up off the street and
pass along to friends. You are encouraged to leave copies on the
subway, at coffee houses, barber shops and secret overseas CIA
torture sites.

Our goal is to put out one of these every quarter of the year, so be
sure to head to

baratunde.com

or

goodCRIMETHINK.com

to join Baratunde’s mailing list, read his blog, find his live
performance schedule, listen to his podcast and find out when the
next MoJo Quarterly drops!

Also find him at

myspace.com/baratunde

If you’re interested in advertising in the MoJo Quarterly, please
send an email to publishing@kinglycompanion.com
special 2005 year end edition

The euro has risen to another
lifetime high against the
dollar. After reaching this
record value, the euro phoned the
dollar to ask who its daddy was.

.
The World Trade Organization agreed to
begin entry talks with Iraq and
Afghanistan, but the U.S. again blocked
any such negotiations with Iran. Iran
plans to improve its chances by targeting
U.S. troops with roadside bombs and
distributing massive amounts of heroin.

.
A judge who wore blackface makeup,
handcuffs and a jail jumpsuit at a
Halloween party will be suspended for
six months, the Louisiana Supreme
Court ruled. A judge at the same
party wearing handcuffs and whiteface
will only be suspended for six days.

11
M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition

Rising violence and associated
security costs have prompted U.S-
based Contrack Int'l to pull out of a
$325 million rebuilding contract in
Iraq. You know things are bad when President Bush awarded the nation's
even the corporations pull out of the highest civilian honor to several men
central to his Iraq policy: retired Gen.
coalition of the willing. Tommy Franks, former CIA Director George
Tenet and former Iraq administrator L.
. Paul Bremer. A fourth award was set to go
to Osama bin Laden, but the
Minnesota's attorney general has sued credit administration couldn't find him.
card company Capital One, accusing it of
falsely advertising low rates and defrauding
consumers. The attorney general has offered .
Capital One a six month introductory
sentence of probation, which will convert to The bad news: the Pentagon
the death penalty if Capital One is late for failed to meet its goal of
just one meeting with its probation officer.
having a working missile defense
. system in 2004. The good news:
Al Qaeda doesn't use missiles.
Responding to charges that he
resign after presiding over
corruption in Iraq, U.N.
Secretary General Kofi Annan
said, "After you, Mr. Bush."

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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition

U.S. Treasury Sec'y John Snow said that
cutting the budget deficit was a top Tens of thousands of Iraqi ex patriots
priority for the second-term Bush voted at US polling stations in Iraq's
administration. Apparently Snow didn't January 30 election. Since they were
check with the first-term Bush using Diebold machines, all their votes
administration before making his comments. were cast for George W. Bush.

. .
After 30 years of fighting, the President Fidel Castro announced
Free Aceh Movement and the that oil deposits were discovered
Indonesian government have agreed off the coast of Cuba. President
to work for peace in the wake of George W. Bush announced that there
the Indian Ocean tsunami. God plans is nothing more critical to the
to hit the Israel's West Bank with success of the War on Terror than to
a magnitude 9 earthquake by the end bring freedom to the Cuban people.
of the year.
.
. The largest industrial workers union was
formed with the merger of the steelworkers,
Of the $40M price tag for President Bush's paper, chemical and energy workers unions
inauguration, fundraisers have collected today. What the new union doesn't know is
$18M. They expect to raise the remaining that it will be disbanded next week, when
$22M through asset sales including the Wal-Mart decides to get into the steel,
U.S. Constitution, Iraqi land claims and paper, chemical and energy businesses.
the hopes of America's unborn children.

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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
So I get it. Rare black people are popular. Black
13 January 2005 conservatives are rare, ergo popular. And popular
I’ll Be A Black Conservative for $240,000 people get the nicer things in life. We've all noticed
how the black conservative has the best degrees, the
most lucrative book deals and the phattest wad of
Black conservative Armstrong Williams was paid
conservative think tank chedda. But the new system of
$240,000 in taxpayer money by the Department of
direct cash payola is making me rethink my progressive
Education. His mission: to say nice things about the No
values.
Child Left Behind Act.
Ladies and Gentlemen: I am ready to become a black
I may be onto something here.
conservative.
I have noticed for years that Black conservatives get all
It’s a good investment! Two hundred forty thousand
the love. When you're the only black person in any
dollars... per conservative political issue! I'm gonna try
situation you tend to have a lot of friends... except
these on for size.
maybe at Klan rallies. I spent a lot of years in white
schools and can testify that the most busted brotha in
Affirmative action is the silent bigotry of low
the hood is the one-eyed king of the blind at a white
expectations. I feel inferior because of it. This affects
private school.
my self esteem and thus my ability to realize my true
potential. I now doubt all my success. I'm not actually a
It's clearly the same dynamic with Black conservatives.
funny comedian. People just laugh because I'm black.
They are in very short supply, but they're a must-have
When the bus driver gives me a transfer, it's not
accessory for every ass backwards policy. Need to undo
because I "paid my fare." It's because I'm black.
affirmative action? Find a black Supreme Court judge.
Affirmative action must end!
Wanna bomb poor people? How bout a black National
Security Advisor. Need to pimp one of the greatest
You’re not going to believe this, but I just got a call
under-funded federal policies since 40 acres and a mule?
from Bob Jones University. They want to name a
Armstrong Williams is your dawg!
building after me! I’ll try another:
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
See, once I start elevating my conservative profile, my
The war in Iraq is the central front in the War on audience and cachet will increase. I'll start performing
Terror, which we will someday officially win. Saddam at Cato Institute dinners and attending groundbreaking
Hussein and Osama bin Laden planned the 9/11 attacks ceremonies for The Moral Majority. I'll get my own
at a cafe in Paris. The CIA has direct evidence of this! talk show and syndicated column. I will make millions
Everybody knows it, but the liberals hate America so of dollars, which will make me a black millionaire!
much they refuse to read the report. In fact, Saddam Then maybe I will be appointed to the Cabinet and
was planning to drop 10 nuclear weapons filled with prove, by my sole example, that black people are
anthrax and VX nerve gas on evangelical day care treated as equals, that poor people have opportunity,
centers in Lubbock, Texas. Then he was going to start a that evolution is bullshit!
rape room at the United Daughters of the Confederacy
in Richmond, VA. Then he was going to force all It will be so much fun having all that money and
American men to gay marry each other. The world is attention and prestige.
better off without Saddam
Until I get caught.
Yo, my word processor is like a lucky slot machine! I
just got another call! It seems that the good folks at The
Heritage Foundation want to give me with their “Model
Negro of the Year” award. It is so flattering to be in the
company of such great men as Ward Connerly and Alan
Keyes.

See how much fun this is?? Armstrong Williams didn't
know the half. Why would he stop with No Child Left
Behind? He coulda made so much loot! The best part is
that it's also good for progressives, especially black
ones.

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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition

A 68 year old registered sex offender
living in a nursing home has been charged
The FBI announced that a Chinese with sexually assaulting his 90 year old
national, sought for questioning in male roommate. The man is being held on
connection with a dirty bomb threat $10,000 bail, which he will easily be
against Boston, has been in U.S. able to pay with his new endorsement deal
custody for more than two months. The from Viagra.
Bureau also announced that the car
keys it reported missing last week .
were it its left hand.
A survey of Democrats found that
40 percent believe Hilary Clinton
. should be the presidential nominee
The Pope reiterated that the in 2008. A survey of Republicans
Catholic Church believed found that 100 percent believe
abstinence and marital fidelity, Hilary is an uppity bitch.
not condoms, were the best way to
stop the spread of HIV/AIDS. He .
added that faith in your fellow The Narragansett Indian Tribe will again
man, not Kevlar, was the best way ask voters to approve its casino in W.
to stop bullets. Warwick Rhode Island, though this time the
tribe said it will sweeten the offer by
including small pox at no extra charge.

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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
Mary Kay Letourneau plans to marry the
former 6th grade pupil Villi Fualaau, According to the Department of
with whom she had two children months
after her release from prison for raping
Health and Human Services, 44
him. This makes Fualaau the biggest playa percent of Americans take at
in elementary school history. least one prescription drug,
which means the other 56 percent
. still suffer needlessly from
A bomb blast ripped through Beirut, Lebanon, erectile dysfunction, obesity
killing the former prime minister and and feelings.
injuring hundreds. In a strange twist of
history, citizens of Beirut complained that
their city was turning into lower Manhattan. .
A man opened fire at a NY shopping mall
. this week, injuring two people. While many
in the community were distraught, the
Wal-Mart will settle in its child overwhelming response was one of pity with
labor law violation case. As part many lamenting, "That's so high school!"
of the deal the company vowed never
to employ children again, .
preferring instead to sell them for
unbelievably low prices. CIA Director Porter Goss said "it
may be only a matter of time"
. before chemical, biological,
radiological or nuclear weapons are
A Los Angeles Fire Department captain says used in a terror attack on U.S.
actor Robert Blake showed a normal soil. Following his statement, the
reaction of anguish the night his wife was
slain. Insiders say Blake rehearsed the
Bush administration announced it
scene for months before he began shooting. was launching a War on Time.
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition

18 June 2005
In response to recent problems with Keep Jerry Falwell Away from my Oreo Cookies
prescription painkillers, the government
is creating a special division of the
Food & Drug Administration that will be Jerry Falwell and a group of folks calling themselves
responsible for drug safety. While “moral Christians” are protesting Kraft Food's decision
they're at it, the government will also to sponsor the 2006 Gay Games in Chicago. I couldn’t
create a special division of the Homeland keep my mouth shut.
Security Department that will be
responsible for homeland security. A few months ago, I became a dues-paying, card-
carrying member of Jerry Falwell's Moral Majority
. Coalition. No, I didn't lose my ability to think clearly --
N. Korea boasted publicly for the I just wanted to see what they were up to.
first time yesterday that it has
nuclear weapons and said it won't So, now I get weekly emails and a nifty newsletter and
participate in any disarmament talks. awesome decals (my favorite is "I VOTE
In response to this development, the CHRISTRIAN"). But I think they should offer
Bush administration plans to invade discounts too, like a free bible every time I write my
Iraq again. Senator about "activist judges" or at least 50% off a
gallon of kerosene when purchased with a wooden
. cross.

New information released from the 9/11 I bring all this up because it was my membership in the
Commission finds that the FAA was warned 52 Moral Majority which alerted me to Falwell's' latest
times prior to 9/11 about al-Qaeda and its
desire to attack airplanes. To demonstrate attack. He and the American Family Association are
the seriousness of the lapse, the FAA will upset that Kraft Foods will be sponsoring the Gay
be promoted to Secretary of State. Games in July 2006 because, they say, the after-hours
activities are lewd. They've demanded that all their
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
members call and email the CEO of Kraft, threatening events) in order to understand what
to boycott the company. types of activities Kraft Foods is
actually sponsoring.
Here’s an excerpt from Jerry’s letter to me: If one visits the Gay Games website,
he will discover more than 70 sponsors
Kraft Foods, the maker of “the world’s of the event. These sponsors are
favorite foods,” has found itself in almost exclusively homosexual
the middle of a public relations companies, including PlanetOut.com, Q
nightmare after its corporate Television, Pink magazine, Girlfriends
leadership decided to sponsor the Gay magazine, Boi magazine,
Games VII, which will take place in ChicagoPride.com and a variety of
Chicago in July. The Gay Games is an others.
Olympic-style series of events where
homosexuals from around the world Kraft Foods, owners of Maxwell House
compete. coffee, Kool-Aid and Capri Sun drinks,
Oscar Mayer meats, Jell-O snacks, Oreo
But the Gay Games are not just about cookies, Nabisco Foods, and many other
athletic competition. Today I visited well-known products, has placed its
the American Family Association’s reputation on the line by choosing to
website that illustrates some of the sponsor the Gay Games.
after-hours activities that go on
during the Gay Games. These photos can
be seen at this AFA website: So being the good dues-paying member that I am, I
www.afa.net/activism/gaygamesproof.html decided to write Kraft CEO Roger Deromedi. Here's
what I said:
PLEASE BE WARNED: these photos contain
partial nudity and lewd depictions. Dear Mr. Deromedi,
But I feel it is important that
consumers who purchase Kraft products I found out that your company is
see what goes on at these Gay Games sponsoring the Gay Games Olympics and
(billed as “athletic and cultural” think it's a wonderful idea. I
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
received an email from Jerry Falwell's independent drones that count
organization requesting its millions themselves among his loyal followers.
of members protest Kraft's decision on
the grounds, not that you were There are still those of us out here
supporting the "games" but rather that who know how to use our brains, so
you were sponsoring "lewd... after- keep the faith.
hours activities."
I'm off to buy some Tang, Toblerone
It's a preposterous accusation and one and Tazo Tea.
that plays on people's fears of
homosexual activity. It's also - Baratunde Thurston
completely illogical. If any company
which sponsors an event is also Here’s one more fun point: Kraft Foods operates over
"sponsoring" the "after-hours" 250 brands -- everything from Velveeta and Poly-O
activities of that event, then we
might as well pull the plug on funding String Cheese to Seattle's Best Coffee and Boca
the "regular" Olympics (which features Burgers and Oreo Cookies, not to mention Honey
significant amounts of "lewd" behavior Bunches of Oats!
in the Olympic Village), the US
military (whose Tailhook scandal just The good news is, with so many Kraft brands to
scratched the surface of rampant boycott, Falwell's slow-witted followers will be too
sexual harassment, not to mention the confused to actually pull it off.
scores of documented rapes of US
servicewomen in Iraq by their fellow
male soldiers) and, of course, no more
high school proms or office holiday
parties.

Please do not be pressured by the
unsound and fear-inspired rhetoric of
Jerry Falwell and the pseudo-

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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
The United States called on
Radioactive cargo that had been Ukrainian authorities to make sure
missing since October turned up in votes were counted accurately in
Boston this week. The shipment was the presidential election after
headed toward Texas-based fraud marred the previous vote. In
Halliburton and contained the a separate development, funeral
nuclear material americium. Yet, services were held for Irony at a
Halliburton still cannot account small church in Crawford, TX.
for the missing cartons of Absurdity and Arrogance were in
libertium and freedomium that attendance.
should have arrived in Iraq two
years ago. .
The head of the Vermont Teddy Bear Co.
. resigned from the board of the state's
largest hospital after drawing criticism
Sony announced that it will release its from mental health activists for selling a
Playstation Portable gaming system in the "Crazy for You" stuffed bear in a
US on March 24th, which gives men straightjacket. This was nothing, however,
nationwide just one month to spend time compared to the head of the state's rape
with their wives and girlfriends. crisis center who stepped down after she
began marketing the "No Means Yes" doll.
.
Prosecutors announced yesterday that Bill
.
Cosby will not face charges stemming from According to new research, having a
a woman's allegation he fondled her. planned caesarian section does not reduce
Following the news, the Bush a woman's risk of suffering from postnatal
administration shelved its plans to depression. Doctors agree the best way for
invade Australia. women to avoid postnatal depression is to
remember to take the damn pill.
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
The U.S. announced a new strategy to
prevent foreign spies from gaining
Harvard president, Larry Summers, faced a American intelligence secrets. The
tough faculty meeting this week over his answer: make sure our intelligence is
comments that intrinsic differences may
explain why women don't reach top academic
so bad, it would be of no value to the
spots in science. During the meeting Summers other side.
apparently added, "Any woman who wants to
move up fast around here knows exactly what
she needs to do."
.
A Chinese woman who hasn’t cut her hair in
. 26 years set the record with 15 feet of
hair. While she’s happy to receive the media
Planes, trains and subways sat idle, attention, her real aim is to use her hair
to escape China.
and thousands of teachers and postal
workers stayed home in a National
Labor Protest, known better in France .
as “Thursday.” A new report finds that the number of
undocumented immigrants in the U.S. grew by
. almost 23 percent in the past four years,
with more than half from Mexico. The report
The Senate defeated proposals to increase also found that lawns in the U.S. were the
the minimum wage this week with Sen. Mike most beautiful they had ever been.
Enzi (R-Wyo.) arguing, “Wages do not cause
sales. Sales are needed to provide wages.”
Enzi based his arguments on the
.
overwhelming evidence that suggests 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" continues its
workers will immediately toss their reign as Billboard's Hot 100 chart-topper
additional wages into a fire, rather than for the eighth consecutive week. However
spend it on goods and services. 50’s reign may come to an end after next
week’s release by MC Copycat titled
“Graphic Details of a Sexual Encounter”.
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
For the past week, brain-dead Floridian Terry
Schiavo became the cause celebre for the 8 August 2005
president, Republican congressional leaders
and the religious right, who argued on right- My Conversation with a Returning US Marine
to-life grounds that her feeding tube should
be reinstated. Upon seeing this, the 2,500
Sudanese that die of starvation each week
My life is really hard. A few weeks ago I was sent off
decided to just kill themselves instead. to Barcelona to attend a conference for my sometime
day job. I endured all day meetings and all night
. clubbing. Then on the return flight to Boston, I got
trapped in the inevitable delay vortex that is the
The United States has agreed to sell F-16 Philadelphia International Airport. I was livid. Then I
fighter planes to both India and its next-
door rival Pakistan. This follows government
met a US Marine returning from an eight month tour of
plans to sell AK-47s to the Bloods & Crips, duty in Iraq. My life is really easy.
and Talmuds and Korans to Israelis and
Palestinians. The delay was ridiculous. I had to transfer in Philly on
my way back to Boston to make a show that night, and
. with a two hour layover, that shouldn’t have been a
Yahoo had planned to charge for email problem. However, I knew getting off the Barcelona
storage, but after Google launched gmail, flight that there were problems with my connection, and
Yahoo says it now plans to offer 1GB of I’ve learned from experience not to trust the Philly
storage for free. In related news, executives airport. Like Mos Def said in The Italian Job, "I had a
at Evian Corporation are nervous after rumors
of Google’s plans to give away water.
bad experience."

. The Boston flight kept getting pushed back. From 45
minutes to an hour to 90 minutes. I would wait in line,
McDonalds will start testing espresso trying to talk to the gate agent. She would avoid eye
drinks at some of its US restaurants contact with me, as if that made her invisible. It was
this summer. No word yet on whether the cute, the little dance we did.
McSpressos will use real coffee.
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
The flight continued to be pushed back. Two hours. Joe looked like just about any man in his early 20s
Two and a half hours. At two hours and 45 minutes, I might, except he had better posture. His smile was
just had to give in and laugh. My evaporating hope of really warm, and I can remember him being so calm
making my show finally dried up completely. I had just amidst the mob of angry passengers. We both smiled at
witnessed (with incredible joy, might I add) a near-fight the situation.
between two 50+ year old white men over their spot in
line. I was hungry and tired, and I finally accepted my We talked about the insanity and agreed that people
fate and decided to enjoy it. were a little bit out of control. I asked him where he
was going.
At the same time, another passenger had decided to
snap. "Why should I listen to you now?!!!" he yelled at "Boston. I live in Hyde Park. You?"
the gate agent. "You say it will be another hour, but you
said that an hour ago!! How do I know you won't lie to "Somerville."
me again??"
"Where are you coming from?" he asked.
"Sir, I didn't lie to you,” the gate agent said. “I passed
on the information I was given at the time." "Barcelona. You?"

"You are lying again! What, do you think we are all "Iraq."
cows!!?? To be herded about??? I just want to be
treated like a human being!!" Damn. I guess that explained his posture! It also
explained his calm, although I might have understood if
How can you not enjoy that? All I needed was a $20 he were completely berserk as well.
bucket of lard-drenched popcorn.
Joe was a Marine, a sergeant I think. In the TOW Unit.
Shortly after that man's meltdown, I met "Joe." I'm I thought that meant he was like AAA for the troops.
calling him that because I don't want the military to get Nope. "TOW" stands for "Tube-launched, Optically
all upset in case he said something he shouldn't have. tracked, Wire-guided missile." Not quite as catchy as
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
"you call, we haul," but it'll do. Joe's unit patrolled the Joe thought about the question for a little while. "That's
Iranian and Syrian borders. He's been a Marine for two a good question."
years and spent the last eight months in Iraq.
See, the Marine thinks Baratunde asks good questions.
I was amazed. As we talked more, the one-man media
conglomerate in me woke up. "Hey, do you mind if I "I'd have to say it was the shower," he said.
interview you for my radio show?" I figured that would
be a pretty dope podcast exclusive. After initially "Really? The shower?"
agreeing, he thought better of it and said he was pretty
sure that wasn't allowed. I definitely didn't want to get "Yeah..." Joe went on to use some terminology
him in any trouble. Thus, his name is "Joe," and what describing the setup that I can’t quite remember, but
you're reading is my recollection, not a word-for-word basically they'd create a shower floor out of the tops of
transcript. ammo crates and get some sort of very small tower or
pump for the water.
"You're the first person I've met who's actually been
over there," I said. "And I don't want to hit you with all "And how often did you get to shower?" I asked him.
the boring questions. When people find out you've been
in Iraq, what do they always ask?" "Oh, maybe once every six to eight weeks."

"They want to know about my politics." "Daaaamn. So you might have had 10 showers in the
past eight months?"
"Ok, no politics questions from me. Here's my first
question: what's the most fun you had in Iraq?" "Yeah. Other than that, it's baby wipes."

I thought that was a pretty dope question, if I may say I do believe such a schedule would make showers most
so myself, which I may, because, I’m writing this. fun, indeed.

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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
"Ok, then the opposite question: what's the most scared make sure the air is ok. I was the commanding officer,
you were?" and I had to look into these kids' eyes and tell them to
risk their lives by taking off a mask. The medics were
Joe responded without hesitation. standing by with [instant treatment of some sort] but
I'm 22 looking into an 18 year old's eyes, and he's
"Mortar fire. It's as loud as an airplane." scared. It's a hard thing to do."

I thought that’s all he was going to say, but then he told Damn. Damn. Damn.
another story. When he finished, I realized, at some
point during his story, I had stopped breathing. I did not expect that. I'm not sure what I expected,
maybe fears of a roadside bomb or kidnapping, but not
He continued, "also, when someone yells 'gas!' that some deep, emotionally scarring event. That's war.
means we suspect a chemical weapons attack, and we Right there.
have to get suited up."
Joe looked healthy. He hadn't seen his wife in eight
Joe described how all the troops get suited up in their months. He was easy going, friendly and had a good
chemical gear -- huge, heavy rubber suits with full face head on his shoulders. But the most fun he's had in the
masks. This is in 120 degree desert heat. Then they past three quarters of a year has been the occasional
wait. To me, of the F-U-Philly-Airport crowd, "mortar shower. And the most scared he's been was having to
fire" qualified as most frightening. When he upped it tell an 18 year old to take off his gas mask for perhaps
with "gas!" I could see that yes, thinking you might the last time in his life.
melt from the inside, was more frightening than loud
explosions. This is what they mean when they say war should
always be a last resort. I knew I was against this Gulf
But, Joe still wasn't finished. War 2.0 from the start. But at the time it was about the
policy: no real WMD threat and a president who'd
"When it's over, the commanding officer has the proven himself untrustworthy. I thought about the Iraqis
youngest, most junior Marine take his mask off... to
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
and Americans that would die over this, and it made me According to interviews and documents
sick. obtained by the LA Times, millions of
dollars have been wasted in Iraq on
But I forgot about the changed lives, the mentally rebuilding efforts, especially sewage
scarred, the future homeless veterans who will struggle systems. It seems the root cause is an
unprecedented amount of bullshit
to deal with all that they've seen and done. A life can
flowing into the country.
end even while the person living it breathes.

I won’t be complaining about airport delays for a long .
while. After the falling out between socialites Paris
Hilton and Nicole Richie, producers at Fox are
considering replacing Richie in the new
installment of reality show “The Simple Life.”
Right now the top replacement candidate is
Hilton’s dog Tinkerbell who, like Richie,
craves attention, exposes herself in public
and will hump anything that moves.

.
Democrats urged Senate Majority Leader
Bill Frist to withdraw from a Christian
Conservative telecast that portrays
Democrats as “against people of faith”
for blocking president Bush’s judicial
nominees. This newest version of the
telecast is actually toned down from
the original, which had charged
Democrats with “stabbing the baby Jesus
in the eye.”

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Senator John Kerry said this week that
many voters in last year's election A German zoo's latest attempt to
were denied access to the polls through impregnate its chinese panda will involve
trickery and intimidation. Kerry also artificially inseminating her with a
found that those same voters are sperm "cocktail" from several male
actually happy they didn't get to vote pandas. In the science community, this is
for a man who would wait five months known as a "test tube gang bang."
after the election to start fighting
for them. .
. An attempt to expand on the
nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty
US Airways reported a wider than expected
first quarter loss today. The company is being
ended today with no agreement
eyed for takeover by the Chinatown Bus. and many countries blaming the
US for developing new atomic
. weapons. It turns out the
A court in Germany today handed down prison American representative was at
sentences against a farmer's wife and her two the wrong meeting, at one point
daughters along with a son-in-law who murdered
the farmer and fed his dismembered flesh to saying, "Oh this is the NON
his own dogs. The murder is widely considered proliferation meeting. My bad.
to be the worst Father’s Day gift ever.
Good luck with that."
. .
A fossil found in South Dakota is
Country singer Willie Nelson will release
that of a never before seen species a reggae album this August. While the
of dinosaur. The horse-sized creature musical transition has shocked some,
lived some 66 million years ago, or, Nelson is well-prepared for the move after
as it's known in Kansas - yesterday. decades of intense weed consumption.
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New evidence suggests that Viagra and other
erectile dysfunction drugs may cause The Kansas Board of Education has
blindness. If so, many agree this would be the scheduled six days of courtroom-style
first time the Catholic Church has been right
hearings to debate whether Evolution
about a sexual matter.
should be taught in schools. The hearings
are a prelude to other hearings,
. including "Should women be allowed to
work?" and "Poor Crop Yields: Weather or
President Bush held talks with Saudi
Witchcraft?"
officials this week to focus on a long
range oil plan. Shortly after the meeting,
every scientist working on renewable .
energy was killed.
The largest mosque in America
. opened today in Michigan and held
its first prayer services today.
Satellite photos of North Korea showing The mosque’s first FBI raid has
construction of a large hole and viewing
stands have some U.S. analysts concerned that been scheduled for next week.
the country is preparing a nuclear test. But
given Kim Jong Il's unpredictable nature, it
could just be another funeral for his
.
invisible dog. The White House has slammed Newsweek for
running an anonymously sourced story that
. accuses Guantanamo Bay interrogators of
desecrating the Koran. The story led to
The family values camp suffered another massive protests and deaths across the
embarrassment this week when anti-gay Arab world. White House spokesman Scott
mayor of Spokane, Wash. Jim West admitted McClellan emphasized the administration's
to having gay relationships with men he disappointment, saying, "We reserve the
found on the Internets. To his credit, exclusive right to publish
West says he was merely trying to ass unsubstantiated claims that lead to the
bang the gayness out of them. deaths of Muslims."
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15 September 2005
The main idea is one espoused by many evangelical
A Final Solution for the Religious Right - But Christians – by the way, for you tree-hugging set,
Not in a Holocaust-y Way “Christianity” is what’s known as a “religion” in which
people tried to follow the example of a man named
I am a liberal. I sip a latte every now and then. I studied Jesus Christ but, along the way, got distracted with
French in college. I read books that don’t start with “in “churches” and “gays.”
the beginning.” And I like who I am, but in a place like
BostoCamberVille, I can get used to this Northeast, The evangelicals believe that someday very soon (as in
pinko-commie, ape-descendin bubble. any moment), Jesus will return to “rapture” his church,
taking away all the true Christians to Heaven and
I got tired of listening to the Blame America First leaving the rest “left behind.” Get it? Left Behind? The
crowd. I needed a break from Air America and religious right is so clever.
Maureen Dowd and Osama bin Laden. So, in an effort
to understand Bush supporters who exist “out there” In one instant, Jesus will actually snatch away the
somewhere, I decided to break with tradition. I bodies of the true believers, all children under age 12
wouldn’t do anything radical like move to Utah (no and even the dead who were true believers. Jesus will
Category 5 relocation for me, thanks). I started, more take unborn children from pregnant women. Poof!
modestly, with a book. I started reading the Left Behind They’ll be gone. It’ll be like spontaneous combustion
series. without that annoying residue. All that will be left are
the clothes, jewelry and pacemakers of the disappeared.
For the uninitiated, the Left Behind series is a set of
bestselling books by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, The people left behind will have to deal with the fact
and it is very popular among those so-called “values that the crazy fanatics were actually right, and they’ll
voters” in the so-called “Bible Belt.” It's a fictional have to deal with seven years of tribulation in which the
account of an extreme interpretation of a popular book anti-Christ will rise, Jews will convert to Christianity,
of mythology known as the Bible, so it's sort of like the world will subscribe to a single religion and lots of
meta-fiction.
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
bad things involving signs, seals and marks of the beast and everyone you care about will soon be watching
will generally make a mess of planet Earth. Nascar in heaven?

This sounds like something Michael Bay and Jerry For many of us New England liberals, this is all hard to
Bruckheimer might make into a big Hollywood swallow. I mean, how can a supposedly loving God
blockbuster. Instead, we have to settle for TV’s Kirk abandon so many souls?
Cameron starring in the Left Behind straight-to-video
DVDs. Yes, TV’s Kirk Cameron. The Dalai Lama and all those peaceful Tibetan monks?
Left Behind. Hindus who may have spent their entire
On the one hand, these books aren’t bad – full of lives serving the poor? Left Behind. It’s not even that
adventure, conspiracy and romance like any decent spy all the Christians get beamed up. Only the “true”
novel. evangelical, born-again breed qualify for the express
train to Heaven.
On the other hand, they reflect the very real beliefs held
by millions of people, many of whom are allowed to I began to wonder how God could leave all these good
vote and operate heavy machinery. I saw a bumper people behind to face Hell on Earth? But maybe it’s just
sticker on a car in Ohio that read: “In case of rapture, a matter of perspective.
this car will be unmanned.”
Imagine all those crazy, right-wing nut jobs who want a
These Rapturists are allowed to drive, even though they giant Ten Commandments tablet in front of every
think at any moment, J-Chris will snatch them away subway entrance, who want to cover up nipples on
from that important duty, leaving their car to slam into ancient sculptures, who harass you on the streets with
who-knows-what?!!?? All of the sudden, 72 virgins their salvation pamphlets, who throw blood on abortion
doesn’t sound so crazy anymore. doctors and think the Bible is a science textbook and
consider dancing a sin. Do you have a good picture of
Among the millions of Rapture believers is none other them in your minds?
than George W. Bush, which kind of explains his
governing style. Why save the environment when you
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
Now, imagine them suddenly gone, beamed up in a A Springfield man charged with fatally
stabbing his father after his father refused
single moment to their “heaven” full of fat, naked to let him borrow the car, plead guilty to
people just like themselves with decomposing corpses second degree murder. The defense had tried to
and fetuses to keep them company – leaving the rest of argue that the man reacted as any Bostonian
us Left Alone. would when presented with the options of
driving to work… or taking the Green Line.

.
A U.S. congressional report on Wednesday
criticized the United Nations as lacking
oversight and accountability. Congress
added, "dammit that's our thing."

.
For the second time in four days, a helicopter
has crashed into New York City's East River
Unfortunately none of the helicopters held
Donald Trump. Which means neither incident
could be called THE BEST HELICOPTER CRASH IN
THE WORLD!!

.
In the controversial story about U.S.
interrogators desecrating the Koran by
flushing it down the toilet, many
questions have been asked, but none
more important than this: when did the
CIA develop such super flushing toilet
technology?
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President Bush spoke to Latin The Supreme Court ruled today
American leaders today and cautioned that the government can prevent
them: "Do not roll back democratic
progress by playing to fear, pitting sick patients from smoking home-
neighbor against neighbor and blaming grown marijuana recommended by
others for your own failures." He their doctors. Interestingly,
added, "I've tried all that, and the number of glaucoma cases in
they're on to me." the US just plummeted.
. .
President Bush on Tuesday rejected talk The U.S House is considering giving
he was losing political clout early in another $45 billion to the Pentagon for
his second term. His claims were the Iraq war, raising the total cost of
overshadowed, however, when halfway thru war since 9/11 to $400 billion. Although
the press conference, the White House this sounds expensive, a broader
reporters left to interview Jimmy perspective reveals that Iraqi oil has
Carter's dog. cost US taxpayers a mere 8 cents a gallon.

. .
Some Massachusetts legislators are The US military this week dropped
considering requiring registered sex nine 500 lb bombs in Iraq in an
offenders to use special pink, glow- attempt to stop the insurgency. The
in-the-dark license plates so Pentagon was quick to explain,
citizens can be alerted to their however, that on the side of the
presence. The suggestion, however, bomb, written in small Arabic print
has met with fierce opposition from it says "freedom delivery device."
the driver of a Gay Batmobile.
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Waltham Police have identified a man who
tried to run down an officer during a traffic
stop as Joseph Elwell. Authorities say Elwell The Mexican government has again upset
has an image of a cop being shot in the head American civil rights leaders, this time
tattooed on his chest. This will make Elwell by issuing a stamp with stereotypical
the most popular man in prison. Assuming he cartoon images of a black boy with thick
makes it there. lips, big eyes and protruding ears. In
response, African Americans will release a
. stamp featuring Speedie Gonzales riding a
donkey with his 15 closest friends while
Hundreds of US and Afghan troops are blasting the Reggaeton hit “Gasolina”.
searching for four al Qaeda militants who
escaped from a US prison there. After a few
months of looking, however, the US troops .
plan to call off the search and invade Iran.
The White House is taking seriously the
. claim by many 1980 US embassy hostages
who believe Iran's new president, Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad, was one of their captors.
This week Republican Pennsylvania The White House is also investigating the
Senator Rick Santorum repeated his involvement other high profile Arab
claim that the Catholic priest sex figures including Saddam Hussein, the
abuse scandal happened because of prophet Muhammad, and Aladdin.
Boston's liberal culture. To his
credit, Santorum is really fucking .
stupid. Spain has become the third country
in the world to legalize gay
. marriage, or as it's known there:
Simultaneous bombs rocked London this week, el casamiento fabuloso.
killing at least 50 and injuring 700. In a
statement of support, President Bush urged
Londoners to go shopping.
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
we might all be forgiven our sins and save a bundle on
7 December 2005
plasma screen televisions.
I'll Show You a War on Christmas
I actually remember that part in the Bible. Jesus is
It almost goes without saying that the greatest quote of rappin with his homeboys, The Disciples (in fact, Jesus
2005 is, "Brownie, you're doin' a heck of a job." But I & The Disciples toured for a while, but eventually Jesus
just read something which was almost as hot. If you left the band for bigger things).
haven't paid attention to the television, radio,
newspapers, magazines, the blogosphere or podcast They would all sit on the stoop, passing cups of blood
world, you might not have heard that America is and plates with his body and coupons redeemable at
engaged in four wars right now: The War in Shiloh's Steakhouse. Jesus loved him a bargain, which
Afghanistan, The War in Iraq, The War on Terror and makes sense because he was Jewish. Oh wow. I never
The War on Christmas. Go ahead, Google it. thought of it that way. I must share this theory with my
many Jewish friends whose mere existence gives me
We liberals have gone too far. Our agenda has license to write such inflammatory stereotypes.
promoted the anti-Christian phrase "Happy Holidays"
above the preferred "Feliz Cumpleano Jesus." First we "So what's this hot quote?" you ask. Patience, gentle
free the slaves; then we let women vote; then we let the reader. I'm having fun.
homos marry and now we attack the baby Jesus. We're
horrible people who have declared War on Christmas. The White House is in trouble. It's not because of the
three big wars I mentioned first, though. Nooo, the
The religious right is really, really angry and are going White House, who has close connections with Jesus'
after schools, demanding they call "Winter Break" dad, recently caught some flack for sending out a
"Christmas Break" instead. The biggest targets of their generic "Happy Holiday Season" greeting card. People
fury have been stores. "Holiday" sales really offend the are flippin out over this, throwing away the White
conservative Christians who insist these be called House cards, accusing the Bushes of not being
"Christmas Sales." After all, Jesus died on the cross so Christian enough.

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Then I read this statement from the [National Council drop a bomb on a manger in Bethlehem. That's what I
of Church's] general secretary, Rev. Bob Edgar, a call a war on Christmas.
former Democratic congressman:
Or we could be these horrible people in another way
"I think it's more important to put Christ back into our entirely. Why don't we hate on the troops by sending
war planning than into our Christmas cards." them, underprepared, into an unnecessary war, and then
taunt their enemies. Family values? Let's cut food
Ohhh shnap!! Give it up to Reverend Edgar! Seriously. programs for children and refuse to raise the minimum
Stop reading this for a moment, and show some love for wage. Let's destroy family stability by imprisoning
the Reverend... everyone we possibly can and Christmas? Oh, this is
great. Let's turn that into a gigantic opportunity to buy
Ok, welcome back. and sell crap we don't need for people we don't like.

Conservatives are great lovers of fiction, and love Then liberals can surrender. I'll start right now. Merry
creating outlandish accusations to hurl at liberals. It's so Christmas, religious right. This war is over. Only three
absurd, I'd prefer to embrace the charges. They say we more left.
don't support the troops. They say we undermine family
values. Now, they say, we attack Christmas. Well, I
say, let's really start doing these things, because at least
then the titles would fit.

Next time a soldier comes home from Iraq, send him a
big "F-ck You, Troop" card and kick him in the face.
We should actively destroy family values: plant lies
within our neighbors’ homes, encourage incest, make
kids work while parents spend all day watching TV.
And we should really, really, attack Christmas. Let's

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An ice cream war is brewing in Two public school janitors were fired
Newton, Mass. with the opening of after being charged with making three
giant ice cream chain Cold Stone hours worth of phone sex calls a day
Creamery invading the space directly while on the job. In their defense, the
across the street from local JP janitors were mopping the floors anyway.
Licks. Many remember the tragic end
to the last ice cream war when .
Toscanini's employees contaminated a
Defending his decision to abandon the
batch of Ben & Jerry's chunky monkey
Kyoto climate control treaty,
with actual chunks of monkey.
President Bush said last week, "It
would have wrecked the U.S. economy."
. Apparently Bush wanted to reserve that
Three months after John Ashcroft left the right for himself.
DoJ, the drapes covering semi-nude statues
of justice have finally been removed.
Sadly, with Attorney General Alberto
.
Gonzales running the department, ACTUAL For only the second time, the US
justice wasn’t so lucky. government has approved a drug
specifically for black people.
. It's called "Bidil" and is
Democrats are demanding that designed to reduce cases of heart
presidential advisor Karl Rove be failure. As many remember 20 years
fired, calling him guilty of treason ago the government approved a drug
if it's confirmed that he revealed called "Crack Cocaine" designed to
the name of CIA operative Valerie reduce demands for affirmative
Plame in 2003. Wow Democratic Party! action and reparations.
It's good to have you back!
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A top German official was quoted as
saying "the U.S. had itself to
Several states are expecting the federal
blame for Hurricane Katrina having
government to reimburse them for the cost
closed its eyes to global warming." of helping Katrina evacuees. They'd
The U.S. responded, "Hitler." improve their chances if they simply lied
about having WMD.
.
According to the British Medical Journal,
.
women with high levels of stress in their The House of Representatives announced it
everyday lives are at less risk than others will start hearings on the government
of developing breast cancer. Instead, they response to Hurricane Katrina this
will all die of heart attacks.
thursday. But failure to provide enough
desks, microphones and notepads will
. force the hearings to start a week later.
FEMA Director Michael Brown has been
recalled from heading up Katrina .
operations so he can coordinate the
response to other disasters, like his U.S. forces in Afghanistan
career. marked the fourth anniversary of
9/11 in a solemn ceremony
. yesterday. Meanwhile U.S. Forces
First lady Laura Bush threw out her in Iraq held a similar ceremony
suggestion for Supreme Court justice but weren't sure exactly what
saying "as a woman myself, I hope it they were commemorating.
will be a woman." Using the same
logic, former first lady Barbara Bush
said she hopes it will be a bitch.
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11 December 2005
In the wake of several White House How do you say "Yes, Massa" in Chinese?
national security scandals,
Democrats forced the Senate into There is much to fear as an American today. The
closed session to demand Muslims are out to get us. Mexicans keep sneaking
accountability from the Republican- across our borders. The bird flu is coming, and God
led Congress. Meteorologists have keeps trying to kill us with his floods. But none of these
issued frost warnings for Hell. worry me as much as this headline I saw in the New
York Times yesterday: "China Overtakes U.S. as
. Supplier of Information Technology Goods."
President Bush has appointed the lead
investigator of Iraq's WMD program to look
My mom was always interested in learning a Chinese
into the federal response to Hurricane language and tried to come up with ways to visit the
Katrina. The results are expected to show country nearly until her last days on this Earth. I always
that the hurricane was only one of many thought she was just intrigued by the people, but the
reasons the government got involved. The main
more I think on it, the more I'm sure she was planning
goal was to bring freedom to the Gulf Coast.
to welcome our new overlords in their native tongue
. when they inevitably take over.

Another one of Saddam Hussein's The NY Times article was basically talking about how
defense lawyers was killed China has come a long way since it was known as a
place to get low-end goods manufactured for cheap:
today, clearly the work of
"insurgents" who U.S. forces After almost a decade of explosive growth in its
just couldn't manage to stop. electronics sector, China has overtaken the United States
as the world's biggest supplier of information technology
goods...

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To some industry experts, the report is more evidence
that China has made progress in its long-term plan to "The People's Liberation Army is moving very quickly to
upgrade the capacity of its manufacturing as it strives to adopt practically every information-related aspect of
become a major economic power. military technology that the U.S. is pursuing at this
time," said Rick Fisher, vice president of the
Every time I hear a U.S. official talking about China, International Assessment and Strategy Center in
they refer to it as a big pool full of a billion consumers Washington.
of American goods, as if the people who invented paper
have nothing better to do but anticipate the next Ford That's just great. Just perfect. One billion people.
Vaporizer SUV. These people will buy stuff, but it's They'll be designing and making everything we use.
probably going to be stuff they make! They'll be driving my car. And they won't even speak
English!! While we're busy developing the next "male
China is developing and making higher quality goods enhancement" drug, China is busy reverse engineering
and even getting into the design of products too. 10 year old computer parts so they can design a space
They're revamping their education system and are death ray! A death ray!!!
making serious investments in their infrastructure. The
government is moving toward political reform, though Today, we complain about outsourcing. Tomorrow,
very slowly. Plus, they're stealing our oil from the young Americans will be rowing banana boats across
Middle East. Yes, our oil. It's not fair. We killed for it. the Pacific for the privilege of working illegally in
Robber's keepers, loser's weepers is what I always say. China.

But the super scary part isn't all this. It's the damn
military. More from the article:

China's military industry works closely with information
technology companies and the government's research
and development sector in what some analysts have
described as a "digital triangle" that supports the
country's rapid military modernization.
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A new poll finds that 60 percent
The governor of Alabama called for a
boycott of Aruba because of its response
of Americans think President
to the Natalie Holloway case. In turn the Bush is dishonest. I'd just like
government of Aruba called for a boycott to say to these people: KISS MY
of Alabama, or as it's known in Aruba, BLACK ASS. You had a chance to
"every day."
register your complaints a year
. ago in a more meaningful poll
known as an "election."
In response to reports of secret
CIA prisons overseas, President .
Bush declared: "We do not An Icelandic company says it has found a
torture." He later clarified: gene that raises the risk of heart
"We outsource." attacks in African Americans by 250
percent. The name of that gene? "White
. People."

A man was shot and killed during a fight
after seeing 50 Cent's new movie "Get
.
Rich or Die Tryin." Apparently, the man The Massachusetts politician who proposed
didn't try hard enough. a Constitutional ban on gay marriage
announced that he's leaving politics to
spend more time with his wife and kids…
because defending his own marriage from
the gays is a full time job.

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The Italian parliament has
The Catholic Church has banned approved a 25 percent tax on all
gays from the priesthood. In pornography with the proceeds
return, homosexuals have banned going to welfare programs. The
priests from the gay hood. message is clear: "Porn. Do it
for the children."
.
In recent speeches, President Bush
.
acknowledged mistakes in Iraq and Vice President Dick Cheney defended
aggressively defended his decision to spy many administration policies and
on Americans. The speeches were part of argued for "strong and robust"
the president's new "Thug Life" policy executive power, saying presidential
positioning in which he admits: "Yeah I
did it. Whatcha gone do? I'm the
authority declined after Watergate
president biatch!!! G-g-g-g-g G-Dubya!!" and the Vietnam War. Really???? Gee,
I wonder why presidential authority
would be weakened after Watergate and
Vietnam? Dick.

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13 October 2005
x Why did my mom nearly poo in my sister's face?
Arnita Lorraine Thurston While I had a great laugh, my sis wasn't so
impressed.
On October 12, 2005 my mother passed away at
6:30pm in the Brigham & Women's Hospital in x How is it that ma forgot the names of her
Boston. She was 65 years old and left behind two children but remembered her Apple Powerbook?
(dare I say wonderful) kids: me and my older sister,
Belinda. x On the hospital lunch menu there is a "Cold
Entrees" section. One of the items offered is
My mom's condition (stage 4 colon cancer spread to simply "American Cheese." Why?
liver and lungs) took a sudden downward turn over
the past month. Last Friday she was complaining x When the nurses were checking my mom's
about getting confused, being in more pain and really mental faculties, they asked her the date, year,
being unable to sleep, so we checked her in to the location. She answered all these flawlessly.
ER. When they asked who the president was, she
answered, "I'd rather not say." How can a
Over the weekend, after various tests, the oncologists woman on morphine, lactulose, lasics,
gave us (me, mom, sister) two choices: a) pursue a potassium, with high ammonia and low sodium
mild chemotherapy with minimal chance of and tumors flooding her liver and lungs see
improvement and guaranteed side effects or b) something half the country still doesn't?
control the pain.
I can't answer those questions, but on the more
My mom chose the morphine, and we supported that. substantive question: did she pass into the light well?
The answer is yes.
The hospital stay then turned into a real tragicomedy
raising such important questions as:
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M O J O QUARTERLY special 2005 year end edition
She spent the last weeks surrounded by her kids and The last thing my sister and I did for our mother was
the past few years spoiled by us. She got to see live visit a nursing home today that the hospital had
concerts of heroes Bill Cosby, Gladys Night (in recommended for her and turn it down. I think she
VEGAS!), Whoopi Goldberg, Ray Charles, Miriam saw us do that, figured we passed the final test, and
Makeba and Tina Turner (at least four times). decided her work here was truly finished.

She got to move to the west coast (a lifelong dream) She was an amazing woman and remains a brilliant
and drove across the country with her kids to get spirit. May she enjoy her rest full of long days and
there. Alone, she helped both her babies survive pleasant nights in the clearing at the end of the path.
riots, crack and massive potholes in DC in during
70s, 80s and 90s to graduate from college, publish Now, if you can, go tell your mother you love her!
books, manage newspapers and bring home tai chi
trophies. - Baratunde, son of Arnita

She even got to be in the audience on Oprah. I know
many a desperate housewife that would sell her kids
(something ma threatened us with a lot growing up)
just to be in the same zipcode as Oprah.

She told a good tale and enjoyed hearing them even
more with favorites like Frank Herbert's Dune Series,
Orson Scott Card's Ender Series, the Lord of the
Rings and the Dark Tower Series by Stephen King.
But above all she loved hearing the tales of her
children.

76 77
About the Author

From the moment he greets the crowd, Baratunde is unforgettable. "My
full name is Baratunde Rafiq Thurston. Baratunde is a Nigerian name
meaning 'one with no nickname.' Rafiq is an Arabic name meaning
'really, no nickname.' And Thurston is a British name meaning 'property
of Massa Thurston.' It's ok if you weren't expecting that last one.
Neither were we."

From here, this Harvard Philosophy graduate takes his audiences on a
journey through the absurd world of American politics, media and pop
culture, having turned his astute political awareness into a rising career
in sharp and entertaining comedy where nothing is sacred.

When so many Americans get their news from Fox, when the
presidential campaign of 2004 is about a war fought in the 1960s, and
when a black man with an afro still can't walk down the street without
white people touching it, it's time to call on this 27-year-old comedian,
author and self-described "vigilante pundit."

Rather than focus on least common denominator humor, Baratunde
plays to his audience's intelligence. He takes the absurdities of the
media and popular culture and twists them in clever, provocative ways.
His standup has earned him honors and stage time across the country.
His writing has found a home in his debut book, Better Than Crying:
Poking Fun at Politics, the Press & Pop Culture.

His professionalism, personable style and political consciousness are at
home in any setting, ranging from the academy to the nightclub to the
local news. This year alone Baratunde was featured in author series that
included Cornel West and Howard Zinn, shared the club stage from
L.A. to New York with Dane Cook, Tony V and Gary Gulman and even
became a political satire commentator on Boston's Fox25 News.

If you are a fan of Al Franken, Jon Stewart or the Bill of Rights, you
will love Baratunde. He is not just an alternative to mainstream
media. He's an antidote.
Baratunde on Stage
Like what you’ve read here? Then you’ll definitely want
to see Baratunde live. He performs throughout the U.S.
His credits include:
x Contestant: Boston Comedy Festival
x Satire Commentator: Fox25 News Boston
x Finalist: HBO Comedy Festival Talent Search
x Featured: The Boston Globe, The Harvard
Crimson, Somerville News, & other media
What critics are saying:
“…not an alternative to mainstream media, but
an antidote.” – Somerville News
“We don’t necessarily see eye to eye
politically, but when you’re that funny, I laugh
even when it’s against my side.” – Orson Scott
Card, Author
“He’s black.” – Subway Operator
Baratunde would be a great addition to your club,
college, or pork roast entertainment roster. For booking info,
please visit
www.baratunde.com
or send an email to booking@baratunde.com.