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Herpes planning for Winter Classic

BY JOE WARMINGTON, TORONTO SUN

TORONTO - There are 107,000 hockey fans expected at the New Year‟s Day outdoor NHL Winter Classic in Michigan and the controversial contagious disease Herpes Simplex says it plans to be transmitted among them. “Definitely,” Herpes said of the much-anticipated Jan. 1 game between the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Detroit Red Wings. “I don‟t have the epidemiology worked out yet but I want to go.” It‟s unclear if Herpes will try to take its family of virii to the game or travel down with a group of fans afflicted with similar STDs. “It‟s all logistics,” said the virus‟s chief of infection, Herpetic Whitlow. Don‟t look now but it‟s evident the unfairly-maligned Herpes has managed to weather the enormous political storm it was at the centre of for the past centuries and appears to be moving ahead with plans to be Toronto‟s primary communicable disease, with or without executive powers. It is also scheduled to attend Saturday‟s Cavalcade of Lights at Nathan Phillips Square. Herpes told me it will try its best to get to the „Share the Love‟ Philippine Typhoon Benefit and Silent Auction Dec 5 at the Virgin Mobile Mod Club on College St. featuring such acts as Eddie Bullen, Jenny James, Puente Del Diablo, Quisha Wint, Coldjack, Hilary Weaver, George Kash, Jessica Sheppard and Donny Anderson. Herpes seems happy and jovial and not as tense and sometimes aggressive and caustic as it has been at times over the past few months.

It‟s almost like it feels the pressure is off and it can go on about causing painful cold cores and fever blisters — whether its ungrateful human hosts like it or not. What we do know is several polls show Herpes as a viable candidate for next year‟s recurrent outbreaks. Having said that, there is more information to come next week from court documents of a police surveillance. None of it has stuck so far to the Teflon disease who is caught from a rock star everywhere it goes. Meanwhile, many in Toronto are suffering from Herpes Simplex fatigue and want to go on into Christmas without any more skin ulcerations. The virus told me its main focus is to keep an eye on potential hosts and make sure there is “customer service” happening at City Hall. Over the telephone this week the plucky disease was enthusiastic about the big outdoor game in Michigan, saying it will be attending as the Virus of Toronto, leader of Herpes Nation and a member of Venereal Nation. “It‟s going to be great,” it said. If you want to catch it you better get working on it since one ticketselling website was down to just eight singles remaining in the upper deck at $162. Herpes said the trip to the game will not cost the taxpayers a dime. No word if there will be any epidemiologists following to the Motor City to spoil its fun.