You're Wrong

An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board

"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.” --Winston Churchill
“As an Internet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler
approaches 1.” –Godwin's Law
“Those who study history are condemned to live in it.” --Mykel Board

I'm madder than a Klansman whose wife bought colored--

instead of white-- sheets. My fucking boss. Accusing me of sexual
harassment because I ask a female student to sew a button on my
shirt. Telling me what I can and can't say in class. He's a
fascist.
“I'm gonna take a picture of him. Then, photoshop on a little
mustache and comb-over,” I say, “Post it in the teacher's lounge.”
I sit in Jennifer's kitchen. The kettle on the stove
whistles. Jennifer walks over to it. Using a Motel 6 towel as a
potholder, she picks it up and pours the water over some green
leaves.
“Oh Mykel,” she says, “cut it with that Hitler stuff.
Everything is Hitler-- or the Nazis. If you get too much cream in
your coffee, it's the Nazis. Somebody takes your seat on the
subway. They're Hitler. Give it up already.”
Kerpow.
News item: Will Smith finds himself in hot water with the
Jewish Defense League. He told a Scottish newspaper that Hitler
didn't mean to do evil, but rather, using "a twisted, backwards
logic, he set out to do what he thought was 'good.'"
The JDL denounced Smith's remark as "ignorant, detestable,
and offensive."
In response, Smith issued a statement clarifying his position
on Hitler as a "vile, heinous, vicious killer."
This column isn't (only) about Hitler. Though, he's probably
the best example. Here are some others:
Wikipedia: The Armenian Genocide also known as the Armenian
Holocaust, the Armenian Massacres and, by Armenians, as The Great Calamity
refers to the deliberate and systematic destruction (genocide) of
the Armenian population of the Ottoman Empire during and just
after World War I. It was characterized by the use of massacres,
and deportations involving forced marches under conditions
designed to lead to the death of the deportees, with the total
number of Armenian deaths generally held to have been between one
and one-and-a-half million.

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 Wikipedia 2: In God, Greed, and Genocide: The Holocaust
Through the Centuries, Grenke quotes Chalk and Jonassohn with
regards to the Cherokee Trail of Tears that "an act like the Cherokee
deportation would almost certainly be considered an act of
genocide today".
“The Indian Removal Act of 1830” led to the Trail of Tears.
About 17,000 Cherokees — along with approximately 2,000 black
slaves owned by Cherokees — were removed from their homes. The
number of people who died as a result of the Trail of Tears has
been variously estimated. American doctor and missionary Elizur
Butler, who made the journey with one party, estimated 4,000
deaths.
From the Internet: The 1831 uprising in Southampton, Virginia
was led by Nat Turner, who was himself a slave. Slave rebels
systematically went from house to house killing about sixty whites
before they were disbanded. In the suppression of the revolt,
about one hundred African Americans died and authorities hanged
sixteen more.
In Turner's lengthy autobiographical statement, he says that
God led him to bring judgment against whites because of the
institution of slavery.
NEWSFLASH: The bloodbath began when an 8-year-old girl
attending a Christmas Eve party answered a knock at the door. A
man dressed as Santa and carrying what appeared to a present,
pulled out a handgun and shot her in the face. Then, he began
shooting indiscriminately as party-goers tried to flee.
By the time it was over, at least eight people at the party
were dead and the house was torched. The gunman killed himself
hours after exacting revenge against his ex-wife with the
massacre at his former in-laws' home.
FLASH TO LAST WEEK: I'm at my nephew's Bar Mitzvah. I mine-
sweep the tables for the dregs of the vodka bottles. Following me
is my cousin, B_ who came in from Thailand. A man whose mind runs
through the same trough as mine, he moved there after his wife
dumped him. A new girlfriend (35 years his junior) later, he's in
New York for the festivities.
“Hey B_,” I say. “Did you meet S_? She's over there and she's
got a pair of lips on her that could suck a car engine out through
a tailpipe.”
He looks over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” he says. “But I gotta keep away from her. We have a
history.”
Flashback to 1487: It's 2 AM. You're in bed. You lay naked,

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face up, your knees pressed close to your ears. On top of you,
Pablo lies with his tubular bell, pressed deep into your belfry.
Your lips press against his. You feel each thrust, stretching that
once tight sphincter into an open, welcoming ring.
Pain. Delightful pain, as Pablo bites into your shoulder, as
he grunts to hold back the inevitable. Your own arm reaches around
the back of your leg to pump yourself from the front, while Pablo
comes up the rear.
BLAM! The doors smash open. You hear a shout.
SODOMIA!
A clothed arm curls around Pablo's neck. He's wrenched off
you, thrown back against the wall. You smell the stench of your
own body.
Then two hands grab under your shoulders, pulling you naked
out of the room. Your feet scrape against the cobblestones as
you're dragged through the streets. Your naked body comes to
rest-- face-down-- in the basement of the cathedral.
You struggle. Something metallic smashes into your face. A
warm liquid drips from the corner of your eye to the corner of
your mouth. You taste the sweet saltiness of your own blood.
You're face down, in chains, handcuffed to a kind of
pedestal. It pressed into your stomach, and feels like it will
tear your hips apart.
Voices in Latin speak above you. Again, you hear the word
SODOMIA!
Then you feel it. The Pear. You know what it is without
seeing it. It's been your nightmare for years.
Now you feel it, the metal... like a clamp... pear shaped...
shoved into your already bleeding rectum. A fist-sized metal
flower bud at the end of a screw. It's massive. You'll die.
But not too soon... That's just the beginning... The screw is
turned. Slowly, the clamp expands. Its petals open inside you like
a flower blooming from a bud. Opening larger and larger. Your
insides rip. Then they shred. Death can't come soon enough for
you. Stop! STOP!
***************
Yes, STOP! Everybody's got their history. Everybody's got
some saga that justifies being mean to someone else. Something 50
years ago, 100 years ago, 5000 years ago. Armenians, Jews, homos.
History is a grudge factory that justifies any atrocity in
the name of one that passed. Conservatives want to kill Muslims in
the name of 9/11. Palestinians want to kill Israelis in the name
of land taken in 1967. Israelis want to ethnically cleanse Israel
from Palestinians in the name of God who “gave them” the land 5000
years ago.

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 Get it?
I'm writing about history. Its abuse at the hands of every
vengeful despot. It provides the all-purpose excuse for the worst
atrocities. Its erection rises to impale everyone who is close,
but different.
History. A bunch of guys killing other guys... written by the
winner. Words in a book.
The Bible, the single most deadly book in the world, is a
history book. It starts on day zero, and goes downhill from there.
Find a Jew. there's a holocaust museum. Talk to Catholics in
Northern Ireland and you'll wait ten seconds before Protestant
Oppression in Irish History pops to the fore. Talk to an
anarchist? The commies, what they did to us in the Spanish Civil
War. In Africa, tribal histories resurface every few years, along
with severed limbs, and spilled intestines. People hate people
they've never met. Why? History!
The solution is simple... and very New York. FUHGEDDABOUDIT!
Yeah. Ignore that history. Let it go. Armenian's 3 million,
trumped by Jews 8 million, trumped by Stalin's 9 million, trumped
by Mao's, I donno a billion? It's over. Start again.
FUHGEDDABOUDIT!
The CIA tortured. G.W. Bush conspired. OK, show us the
pictures. It's important to know the truth, but then LET IT GO!
The future won't right the past. “Justice” is the drag name
for revenge. Call in the Alzheimer’s! Start every day thinking
about what's gonna happen tomorrow. What you do now will make that
day. Yesterday's over. You won't change it. Forget it.

ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com) or website

viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links and a chance to
comment on and discuss the column]

-->Whoever said cops can't laugh dept: Ex-suburban Chicago cop,

Drew Peterson, called into a local radio talk show. Peterson, in
jail on suspicion of the murder of his third wife and the
disappearance of his fourth, suggested a new on-the-air game: Win
a Conjugal Visit with Drew. He did not say, however, if the winner
would be leaving the prison alive.

-->Sometimes capitalism is its own best humor dept: The

Aggronautix company has released GG Allin and Tesco Vee bobblehead
dolls. Called Throbbleheads, the dolls will be a “limited edition”
(yeah right) collector's item. The Dwarves collection is next. I
shit you not. (But does the GG doll?)

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-->Al and the Xenophobes dept: An organization calling itself
Repower America is spamming email from coast to coast. Throwing Al
Gore's name around, they're sponsoring a TV/YouTube commercial
promoting “clean energy.”
The commercial features some hick-looking actor, shucking hay
and walking in front of a horse. The focus? “We've got to stop
being held hostage by foreign oil.” And “we're still borrowing
money to buy oil from dictators who don't like us.” How about,
“we're burning it in ways that kill God's green earth.”
Yeah, it's the new liberal strategy. Appeal to the worst in
us: xenophobia and religion. Evil foreigners and God's earth. It
elected George Bush, right? Maybe it'll work for the environment.
Sorry bub, I don't want to breathe clean air made for God and
against foreigners. You breathe it. It makes me sick.

-->Madam I'm Adam dept: I found an old email from Rob Hernandez.
It's good diet advice... and a palindrome:
Doc, note I dissent, a fast never prevents a fatness. I
diet on cod.

-->What about homo department: In Staten Island, that wonderful

borough that brought you Rudy Giuliani, it is illegal for a father
to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to
curb "girlie behavior."
Now that's a way to take the power out of a word... make it
illegal. Just like making heroin illegal took the power out of
that drug, right?

-->Tea baggin' dept: Thanks to Amy K. and Trevor Y for their...

er... action DVD. Amy, you've got talent. I don't know how you fit
them BOTH at the same time. And Trevor... are you sure you don't
have some kind of... er... disease?
I need more! Send me your home made videos: I'm still at:

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Mykel Board, POB 137, Prince Street Sta, New York NY 10012