W E ATHER

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‘Tu Stultus Es’

Perfect for curling up with a real, tangible copy of a newspaper LOW 34 HIGH 42

DECEMBER 12, 2013

VOL. 49 ISSUE 50

A M E R I C A’ S F I N E S T N E W S S O U R C E

ONION.COM

Copyright © 2013 Onion, Inc. All Rights Reserved

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INSIDE

INK

The Rise Of The Most Enduring And Trusted Player In Modern Journalism

PART ONE OF AN EIGHT-PART SERIES

HIGHLIGHTS

‘ONION’ PRINT REVENUES UP 5,000%

Demand for digital content “simply isn’t there yet,” experts say.

Nation Just Prefers Feel Of Newsprint In Hands
NATIONAL, Page 14B

Experts: Digital Media Revolution Still Another 70 Or 80 Years Away
NEW YORK—Confirming that the current media landscape has so far shown virtually no sign of shifting away from the lucrative print trade, a group of experts told reporters today that the so-called digital media revolution, long rumored to one day transform the industry as we know it, remains at least 70 to 80 years away.

see DIGITAL MEDIA , page 6

City Planners Call For Widened Sidewalks To Alleviate Congestion Around ‘Onion’ Newspaper Boxes
NATIONAL, Page 7B

Company sources say The Onion’s print business continues to be an unstoppable source of profit.

W

The best music of 2013

ASHINGTON—A report released this Monday from the U.S. Department of Commerce confirmed that, consistent with the past 60 years, The Onion’s revenue from print media and other print-relat-

ed ventures has increased a resounding 5,000 percent in 2013. “According to our analysis, in just the last month alone, we’ve seen The

see PRINT REVENUES , page 5

Google CEO Fondly Recalls ‘Onion’ Print Ad That Put Company On Map
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Discussing the company’s evolution from a two-man graduate research project to a global multimedia company employing thousands of workers, Google CEO Larry Page fondly recalled to reporters this week the event that started it all and introduced the company to billions of people worldwide: an advertisement in a print edition of The Onion. see GOOGLE , page 7

‘Onion’ Reporter Glad He’s Not In The Business Of Chasing Web Traffic

ONE
YEAR

COMPLIMENTARY

SUBSCRIPTION

ONION HEADQUARTERS— Incredibly thankful for a satisfying journalism career that has allowed him to cover news the right way, 25-year veteran Onion reporter Thomas Samson, 49, announced this week that he is simply grateful that his job does not involve him constantly chasing web traffic. Saying how fortunate he is not to have to spend all day monitoring online pageviews,

INSIDE
Study Finds 97% Of Happily Married Couples Met While Going For Same Copy Of ‘The Onion’ Newspaper
Page 13C

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see WEB TRAFFIC , page 5

Veteran journalist Thomas Samson is happy to report that stats such as pageviews and uniques are the furthest thing from his mind.

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