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SEINFELT "The Cheesecake" Written by Jerry.Seinfelt@gmail.

com

http://seinfelt.tumblr.com

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER are playing Monopoly. George rolls the dice. GEORGE Doubles again! Jerry throws his hands up in the air while Kramer watches intently. JERRY Again? GEORGE Luck is on my side! George moves his piece to GO and takes money out of the bank. KRAMER Hey, hey, wait a minute, George. What’re you doing? GEORGE I’m taking my money. I landed on GO. KRAMER You get $200 for passing GO. You just took $400! JERRY You’re stealing! GEORGE I would never! JERRY He’s a bank robber! GEORGE I am not a bank robber! You get $200 for passing GO. You get $400 for landing on GO. JERRY Well, isn’t that convenient? I never heard that rule before. GEORGE It’s a house rule.

(CONTINUED)

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2.

KRAMER We’re supposed to agree on house rules before we start. GEORGE I’m the first one to land on GO. This is the first time that this particular rule would have affected anything. JERRY I don’t know about this. KRAMER This is why we need an impartial banker and rulemaster. ELAINE enters. ELAINE Hi guys. What’s up? JERRY Just watching George funnel Monopoly money into his offshore account. ELAINE You got anything to eat? Elaine pokes around the refrigerator without waiting for a response. JERRY Go ahead. He’s taking my money, you’re taking my food, this one’s always in my home. I don’t think there’s anything left to take. KRAMER (as if being helpful) Blood. George rolls the dice. JERRY Doubles! Three times in a row! KRAMER Off to jail with you!

(CONTINUED)

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3.

GEORGE Bah. JERRY That’s what you get for stealing. Elaine pulls a cake box out of the fridge, sets it on the counter, and opens it. ELAINE Is this a whole cheesecake? JERRY Most of one, yeah. ELAINE What for? Did you throw a party and not invite me? JERRY I felt like cheesecake last night, so I bought a cheesecake. ELAINE Oh, Jerry. GEORGE You’re eating cheesecake alone? ELAINE This is bad. JERRY What? I only had one slice. GEORGE Doesn’t matter. If you’re eating cheesecake alone, you’ve been alone for too long. ELAINE Cheesecake is the perfect way to end a date. Outside of that, it’s the food of the desperately alone. Jerry frowns for a moment. JERRY So are you gonna have some, or what? She shrugs, grabs a fork, and digs in.

(CONTINUED)

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4.

KRAMER Hey, Jerry, you wanna go on a date? JERRY With you? No thanks. KRAMER No no, listen, I know this girl. I think you’d like her. She’s charming, funny... very good with her hands. Kramer raises his eyebrows suggestively. GEORGE Someone you used to date? KRAMER No, she’s my dentist. JERRY Eh, I don’t like going on blind dates. I insist on at least nearsighted dates. KRAMER As it turns out, I’m something of a matchmaker. You know the crossing guard who’s always on 81st and Broadway? JERRY Yeah. KRAMER I set her up with my buddy Manuel from the OTB parlor. They’ve been married nine years next month. JERRY Well, as impressive as the tale of the crossing guard and the gambler is, I think I’ll pass. ELAINE You never know. One time, my cousin got in a fist fight with a DMV clerk who was rude to her. JERRY And they got married?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ELAINE Nah, but she dated the arresting officer for a few weeks. JERRY That is truly inspiring. KRAMER I’ll give her your number. Her name’s Brenda. JERRY Great. I’ll look forward to hearing from Brenda the dentist. ELAINE At least you’ll have someone else to eat cheesecake with. JERRY Hey, who are you to judge? If it wasn’t for us, you’d be pretty lonely yourself. ELAINE What? Don’t be silly. JERRY I’m serious. When’s the last time you went out with someone who wasn’t one of us, or some schmo you dumped a week later? ELAINE I hang out all the time! With my girlfriends! JERRY Oh? Like who? ELAINE Like... Mabel. JERRY Mabel? ELAINE And... and Estelle. GEORGE My mother? Elaine shoots him a look.

5.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: JERRY How come we’ve never heard of these people before? ELAINE In fact, I’m having a girls night out on Friday. We’ve been planning it for weeks. JERRY Oh yeah? What are you and Estelle going to do? ELAINE (defensively) It’s going to be a blast. JERRY I can’t wait to hear all about it. EXT. NEW YORK STREET - EVENING George is walking down the street with his girlfriend, LORRAINE. GEORGE Can you believe that? They thought I was stealing. Me! LORRAINE I’ve never heard of that rule either, to be honest.

6.

A VOLUNTEER for a charitable organization approaches them. VOLUNTEER Excuse me, sir? Do you like kittens? GEORGE Not really, no. LORRAINE Oh, I love kittens! VOLUNTEER Well ma’am, this winter hundreds of kittens need to be adopted by loving families, or else they’ll be euthanized. Even if you can’t adopt one yourself, just a few dollars will pay for food and shelter for a little guy like Scraggles here. (CONTINUED)

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The volunteer turns his clipboard around, showing a photo of an adorable kitten. LORRAINE Oh, I’m sure I have something... She digs through her purse. GEORGE Listen, we’re actually in kind of a rush. Sorry. He grabs Lorraine by the arm and they walk away. LORRAINE Why did you say that? We’re not in any rush. GEORGE I’m in a rush. A rush to get away from that guy. LORRAINE He’s just trying to do some good, George. GEORGE He wants to do some good, he should help those animals himself and stay out of my wallet. LORRAINE Some holiday spirit. A HOMELESS MAN shuffles up to them. George tries to hurry past, but the man grabs his sleeve. HOMELESS MAN ’Scuse me. Do you have any food? I haven’t eaten in three days. GEORGE Uh, sorry, no change. Again he grabs Lorraine and they scurry away. HOMELESS MAN I’m so hungry! LORRAINE George!

(CONTINUED)

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GEORGE Come on, you know he’s just going to spend it on drugs. LORRAINE He was asking for food! GEORGE What do I look like, a vending machine? Apparently not, ’cause you know what you need for a vending machine? Change! Lorraine looks down to find a LITTLE GIRL, no older than 10 years old, looking up at George with puppy dog eyes. LITTLE GIRL Mister, can you tell me how to get to the Natural History Museum? I was with my mom and got lost. GEORGE Scram, kid. Lorraine smacks him in the chest. LORRAINE It’s about three blocks that way, sweetie. LITTLE GIRL Thanks, lady! The girl runs off. LORRAINE What is wrong with you? I’m going to start calling you Scrooge Costanza. GEORGE That’s got a nice ring to it. LORRAINE I don’t know when you got so mean, but you’re going to make up for it. She pulls a pamphlet out of her purse and gives it to George. GEORGE What’s this?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: LORRAINE A chance to repent. Because if you really are as selfish as you looked right there, maybe you’re better off by yourself. GEORGE (reading) "Mobile Mess Hall, delivering food to wounded warriors." LORRAINE They’re a really great organization. We’ll pack boxes at their facility then deliver the food directly to veterans in need. GEORGE They can’t go to the store? She gives him a very serious look. GEORGE All right, all right, I’ll do it. LORRAINE Good. I’ll pick you up Friday after work. INT. ELAINE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

9.

Elaine sits on her couch with a big glass of red wine. Her TV is on, but she’s not really paying attention to it. ELAINE I can’t believe those guys. I’ve got plenty of friends. She takes a big swig of wine and sloshes it around in her mouth while swirling the glass. She slowly swallows and sets her glass down. ELAINE Oh, hell. She gets up and grabs her address book and wireless phone receiver. She peruses the pages. ELAINE I could probably get rid of a lot of these numbers. She keeps thumbing through. (CONTINUED)

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ELAINE No. No. Yegh, definitely not. Elaine scans the page with her finger. ELAINE Here we go! She picks up the receiver and dials. ELAINE Hi, Felicia? It’s Elaine Benes. From last year’s holiday party? No, I was the one who did the dancing thing. Yeah. That. Yeah. (beat) Yes, that was me. Anyway, I was wondering what you’re doing Friday. You want to catch up? (beat) Your taxes? Already? Aren’t those due in-(beat) Well, all right. You’ll be missing a heck of a night though! (beat) Yeah, I might not see you at this year’s party. She hangs up. ELAINE How rude! Hmph. Well, plenty of fish in the sea. She looks through the address book some more, searching several pages before landing on the next name. ELAINE Phoebe! Great. Elaine dials her number. ELAINE Phoebe, hi! It’s Elaine-She gets cut off by screaming that’s so loud, and so fast, she has to pull the receiver away from her ear. ELAINE Now hold on a-- I didn’t-- Oh. I-I didn’t know he was your husband!

(CONTINUED)

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She has to pull the receiver away from her ear again. Wincing, she hangs up. After a moment, her phone rings and she picks up. ELAINE Hello? She almost immediately pulls the phone away from her ear again. ELAINE (in fake, pan-European accent) Uh, nyet! She no live here now! Na zdrowie. Auf wiedersehen. Elaine hangs up and sets the phone down, sighing exasperatedly. She takes another big gulp of wine, then picks up her address book. ELAINE Worthless! She tosses it across the room, then stares at the phone in her hand for a second. ELAINE All right. Here goes nothing. She dials a number from memory. ELAINE Mom, hi! It’s your daughter! No, not Gale, Elaine. (beat) What do you mean she no live here-(beat) You can’t pull that move on me! I invented that move! Hello? Hello! INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE - DAY A DENTAL ASSISTANT leads Kramer to a patient’s chair and hands him several pamphlets. DENTAL ASSISTANT Have a seat, Mr. Kramer. Dr. Tewksbury will be right with you. Why don’t you look these over while you wait?

(CONTINUED)

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12.

KRAMER Yeah, thanks. The assistant leaves. Kramer notices that the walls are plastered with advertisements for braces, teeth whitening, dental implants, etc. He looks down and flips through the brochures with mild interest. There’s at least half a dozen of them, offering treatments for Conjungivitis, Frenular Bifurcation, Hairy Teeth, and more. A rather large woman, DR. BRENDA TEWKSBURY, walks in. BRENDA Hello again, Mr. Kramer. KRAMER Hi, doc. Wow, you guys seem to offer more services every time I come in. BRENDA Yes, we’re very busy here. KRAMER I guess that doesn’t leave a lot of time for other activities, huh? BRENDA What do you mean? KRAMER I’ve started running a sort of dating service, and I know a guy I think you’d get along great with. She regards him amusedly for a second. KRAMER He’s a comedian. Real funny guy! BRENDA Well... it has been a while since I’ve been on a date. KRAMER I’ll give you his number. And hey, maybe if it goes well, you can give me a discount on my follow-up. BRENDA We’ll see, Mr. Kramer. Now let’s take care of that tooth, shall we?

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She reclines his chair to begin work. As he approaches horizontal, Kramer notices a giant poster on the ceiling. A small child is wearing a great big smile. The text simply reads, "TEETH!" INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING Jerry enters and approaches the MAITRE D. JERRY Yeah, hi, I’m here to meet a Brenda? MAITRE D You must be Jerry. Right this way, sir. The Maitre D leads him to her table, where Brenda waits expectantly. Her size is immediately noticeable, but Jerry doesn’t react to it. JERRY You’re not here for... BRENDA Jerry? She smiles. He sits down. BRENDA I hope you don’t mind, I’ve already ordered. JERRY Not at all. I can catch up. He looks over the menu a little. She sips her water daintily. The WAITER soon arrives. WAITER Good evening sir. Are you ready to order? JERRY Yeah, sure. I’ll have the foie gras. And do you want to get the baked brie to start? Jerry looks up from the menu to see Brenda slowly shaking her head, a mild look of disgust on her face.

(CONTINUED)

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JERRY Just the foie gras then. WAITER Thank you, sir. The waiter takes his menu and leaves. JERRY Is everything all right? BRENDA You really shouldn’t eat that stuff. JERRY Because the geese are abused? BRENDA Ugh, the abuse is the least of it. It’s so fattening. Jerry takes a startled look at her. BRENDA You’re eating the bloated organ of an animal that’s been force-fed through a tube. What do you think that’s doing to your body? The waiter returns. WAITER Your foie gras, sir. He sets the plate in front of Jerry. WAITER And ma’am, your watercress salad, dressing on the side. Brenda appears extremely satisfied with her order. She pierces a single leaf with her fork, dips the smallest bit in her dressing cup, and eats it. BRENDA Mmmmmmmmm-mm.

15. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON George and Jerry are in the living room. JERRY That’s all she ordered. Just the salad. And she spent all night lecturing me on what I should and shouldn’t eat! GEORGE And she weighed how much? JERRY I’m no midway barker, but easily north of 180. GEORGE Maybe she’s got one of those pituitary problems. JERRY It’s not even the weight that bothers me. It’s the self-righteousness. GEORGE Yeah, you’re too good for that. JERRY And I can’t break up with her. GEORGE Why not? JERRY Isn’t it obvious? If I break up with her, everyone will think I’m too shallow to go out with a girl who’s got a few extra pounds on her. I can’t win, George! Elaine enters. ELAINE Hello, boys. I trust you’re reveling in tales romantic and lustful? JERRY Oh, it went great. We’re actually going out again Friday. He nods at George to indicate he’s telling the truth. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ELAINE Sounds like you won’t be eating cheesecake alone. JERRY Trust me, no cheesecake. ELAINE Huh? JERRY Brenda’s a bit of a health nut. Anyway, how’s your girls’ night going? You and Etheline have a great night of bridge planned? ELAINE Ha ha. Turns out, Ruthie invited Naomi, Naomi invited Betsy, Betsy invited Jeannie, it’s going to be a night to remember. JERRY A night to remember, huh? Hope it doesn’t end the same way as the book. Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey, Casanova! So how did the date go? Jerry glances at Elaine. JERRY (cautiously) Oh, it was the best. You, uh... really know how to match ’em up. INT. OFFICE - DAY

16.

Elaine walks up to the office coffee maker, where VICKI is making herself a cup. ELAINE (overly friendly) Well hi, Vicki. VICKI Oh, hi. Elaine, right? Elaine laughs a deep-throated, too-enthusiastic laugh. (CONTINUED)

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ELAINE You know me! Got any plans for tomorrow night? VICKI Not really. I might just go home and relax after this crazy week. ELAINE Hah! Tell me about it! (beat) Well, I was wondering, would you want to relax with me? Vicki gives her an cautious look. ELAINE You know, get some dinner, see a movie or something, maybe grab a few drinks after? Vicki looks on with dawning comprehension. VICKI Oh-ELAINE Or it doesn’t have to be that. We could go mini golfing-VICKI Elaine, I-ELAINE Or if there’s something else you want to do, that’s great too. I don’t want to steer the ship if you wanna be the captain! She pantomimes an exaggerated steering motion. ELAINE Oh no! Batten down the mainsail! Haha. VICKI Elaine, I, uh, wow. This is awkward. I don’t, uh, sail those seas? ELAINE Huh?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: VICKI No hard feelings, Elaine. You’re a very attractive woman, and pleasant to work with. I’m just not into girls. ELAINE Oh, no no no, that’s not-VICKI It’s okay, Elaine. I promise I won’t make it awkward in the office for you. Vicki walks away as Elaine slumps hopelessly. INT. PACKING FACILITY - DAY

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George and Lorraine are among a couple dozen volunteers in a garage-like facility. They’re filling cardboard boxes with canned food. LORRAINE I’m really glad you decided to come, George. I was worried about you. GEORGE Yeah, well, you know me. Always thinking about my fellow man. As George packs, he notices one of the items he’s packing away. GEORGE Oh my god. LORRAINE What is it? GEORGE Is this really Fall-Oats? He holds up a box of radioactive-themed cereal. LORRAINE I guess so. GEORGE I haven’t seen these since I was a kid! I used to have a bowl every Saturday morning while watching Gamma Boy. (CONTINUED)

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19.

LORRAINE Well isn’t that nice? You’re getting something out of all this already. GEORGE I didn’t know they still made these. LORRAINE They probably don’t. A lot of this food is donated by companies that have gone out of business and are getting rid of their last bit of stock. GEORGE Wow. (staring at the box) Do you think I could...? LORRAINE What? George, no! You cannot steal from the poor! GEORGE It’s not stealing if I never give it to them in the first place! It’s reconsidering. LORRAINE George, this isn’t even your food that you’re giving. We’re just delivering it. GEORGE What if I ran around the corner and bought a box of Wheaties to replace it? LORRAINE George, if this is really the person you are, I have to move on. GEORGE No! No, I’m sorry Lorraine. I just got so excited when I saw that box. He closes the box and tapes it up. As it gets taken away, he waves a sad goodbye to it.

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INT. MOVIE THEATER - EVENING Brenda is already seated, Jerry comes to sit down next to her, carrying popcorn. JERRY Hey, I got some popcorn. BRENDA I thought you said you were going to the bathroom. JERRY I did. Then I got some popcorn. BRENDA I didn’t ask for popcorn. JERRY I know. BRENDA Then why did you get it? JERRY We’re at the movies. It comes with the territory. Brenda sighs exasperatedly and they both turn toward the screen. Jerry holds the popcorn pretty clearly halfway between them. He eats a handful, then another handful. JERRY Don’t you want any? BRENDA No. It gets all stuck between your teeth. JERRY Ah, I bet a girl like you keeps floss handy. BRENDA I do. But that’s beside the point. JERRY C’mon, share some with me. If you make me eat all this alone, I’ll feel, ah--

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: BRENDA You’ll feel what? JERRY I’ll feel-BRENDA Like a fatty? JERRY No! No, that’s not what I was going to say at all! I was going to say I’ll feel selfish! She glares at him. BRENDA Hmph. JERRY Sheesh! Try to be a nice guy. Brenda loosens up a little. BRENDA Oh, fine.

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She takes a single kernel and bites off half of it. Jerry regards this as extremely odd. JERRY You’re only eating one kernel? BRENDA Did you put that butter flavored topping on this? JERRY I got buttered popcorn, if that’s what you’re asking. Brenda spits out the half-kernel and throws the other half to the ground. JERRY What was that? BRENDA They don’t even put real butter in that stuff, Jerry. It clogs your arteries. The two turn back toward the screen. Jerry pops another, larger handful of popcorn in his mouth, scowling.

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INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, FOURTH FLOOR HALLWAY - EVENING George and Lorraine get off the elevator of a run-down building, rolling a dolly of boxes. GEORGE All right, where are we going with these? LORRAINE Let’s see, we’ve got 4A, 4H, and 4L. GEORGE Oh, hey, looks like one for the fifth floor got snuck in here. I can deliver that one if you’ve got this floor covered. LORRAINE Oh, that’d be great. Thanks. He walks up the stairs, box in arms. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, FIFTH FLOOR HALLWAY - EVENING George stops just outside an apartment door. He sets down the box, pulls out his keys, and starts slicing through the box’s tape. GEORGE Now, just grab the cereal and no one’s the wiser. Before he can even really cut the tape, the apartment door he stopped in front of opens wide. GRIFFITHS, a lanky old man in fatigues with a hook for a right hand, appears. GRIFFITHS You must be from Mobile Mess Hall! George stands up straight, startled. GEORGE Why, y-yes I am. How did you know I was here, Mr., uh-George checks the label on the box. GEORGE Griffiths?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GRIFFITHS Major Griffiths to you, boy. I keep an eye on the peephole, it’s better than television. Now what’s all this? George picks the box back up in his arms. GEORGE I was... just removing this tape so you wouldn’t have to fuss with it. GRIFFITHS Nonsense, boy. I can take care of that myself.

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Box still in George’s arms, Griffiths violently strikes his hook hand through it and slowly slides it down the middle of the slit. GRIFFITHS At least this is good for something! Come in and help me unpack this. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, GRIFFITHS’ APARTMENT - EVENING Struck pale, George enters and sets the box down on a counter. GRIFFITHS Just put everything on the counter for now. I need to hit the latrine again. Ever since the Koreans shot me in the bladder I can only carry half a tank. George waits for Griffiths to waddle away. He starts ripping through the box, haphazardly tossing canned goods in all directions. He digs through the entire box before finally finding the Fall-Oats at the bottom. He raises it up victoriously and laughs triumphantly. It only lasts for a second. He tries shoving the box inside his jacket, but it doesn’t fit in his sleeve by a long shot. He rips open the box and pulls the cereal bag out. He tries to make the empty box look normal among the canned goods. He unbuttons his pants and tries to shove the cereal bag inside them, but it slides down his khaki pant leg. (CONTINUED)

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George hears the toilet FLUSH. He panics and looks around. He rips open the bag and pours the dry cereal directly into his mouth. GEORGE Mm. Mm! Ha-ha! Crumbs of cereal fly out of his mouth as he laughs. His mouth is too dry. He looks down the hall to see if Griffiths is coming yet. He hurriedly digs through the fridge and grabs a quart of milk, pours it right in his cereal-filled mouth. It dribbles down the sides of his mouth and he rolls his head side to side. It’s at that moment that Griffiths walks back in and sees George, covered in cereal and milk, pants unbuttoned, surrounded by discarded and dented cans. GRIFFITHS What in the hell? Startled, George drops the milk and stumbles backwards. GEORGE I was unpacking! Griffiths clenches his one fist and grits his teeth. GRIFFITHS Why, I oughtta! He’s slowed by his many handicaps, but he tries to make his way toward George. He raises his hook threateningly and roars. He scares the bejeezus out of George, who squeals. George shoves one last fistful of cereal in his mouth before scrambling for the door. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, FIFTH FLOOR HALLWAY - EVENING George is making his way down the hall but trips over his own loosened pants. GRIFFITHS Stop! That man’s a thief! Help!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GEORGE (incomprehensible)

25.

The two continue their chase down the hall, George crawling, Griffiths walking as fast as his old legs will carry him. Griffiths finally overtakes George in front of the elevator doors. He raises his hook hand high. At that moment, the elevator doors open. Lorraine is standing there. George looks up at her. GEORGE I’m breaking up with you! EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT Jerry and George are walking down the street. JERRY Your first instinct was to break up with her? GEORGE It gave me the moral high ground. JERRY You sure? It sounds like you were firmly buried six feet under the moral high ground. GEORGE That’s the power of breaking up. That person has to live the rest of their lives knowing they were the inferior person. Brenda appears, walking toward the two. JERRY Oh, hi Brenda! Funny running into you here. She’s caught off-guard and a little uncomfortable. BRENDA Jerry, hi. I was actually just on my way to see you. JERRY That’s great. Have I mentioned my friend George? George waves a timid hello. (CONTINUED)

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JERRY We were just going to the coffee shop to grab some dessert. You should come with us. BRENDA That’s just it, Jerry. It’s too much. JERRY It’s actually kind of a cheap place. BRENDA The food, Jerry. The food. You’re a whirlwind of food, night and day. Popcorn, dessert, foie gras. She makes a "blech" face. BRENDA It’s one endless feast with you. And as a woman who not only cares about dental hygiene but is also struggling to lose weight, you’re a terrible influence. JERRY But you never had any of that stuff! You ate half a kernel of popcorn! BRENDA In front of you, maybe. It’s too much temptation. Last night I... I went out and bought a cheesecake. Not a slice, Jerry! An entire cheesecake! Do you know how pathetic that is? JERRY (Under his breath) Doesn’t sound so pathetic to me. BRENDA Ugh! Forget it. I can’t be around you anymore. I’m sorry. I just can’t do this. Goodbye, Jerry. Jerry stares, mouth agape, hands open, as Brenda walks away confidently.

(CONTINUED)

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JERRY What just happened? GEORGE Well, it seems like she saw right through you, my friend. JERRY What are you talking about? GEORGE It’s always about you. You said it yourself the other day. You were proud that you didn’t care that she was a little overweight. JERRY And that makes me a worse person? GEORGE It doesn’t keep you from being a terrible person. JERRY I guess you would know. GEORGE You bet I would. And she keeps the high ground. JERRY I can’t believe it. She does. GEORGE See what I’m saying? The two stand on the street in silence for a moment. George warms his hands with his breath. GEORGE So, diner? JERRY (after a pause) Yeah. INT. MONK’S DINER - NIGHT Elaine is seated at a booth.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: WAITRESS Hi hon, can I get anything for you? ELAINE Well hi there. WAITRESS Hello. ELAINE Hello. WAITRESS Hi. Elaine flashes a smile at the waitress. WAITRESS So, what can I get for you?

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Elaine glances through the menu quickly -- too quickly to actually be considering anything. ELAINE Ah puh puh puhhh. She looks up. ELAINE So when’s your shift over? WAITRESS I guess 11:00? ELAINE You busy? WAITRESS I’m sorry miss, but if you’re not going to order anything, you can’t stay here. Elaine’s tenor changes. This is the first person who’s not Jerry, George, or Kramer who’s been willing to even exchange niceties with her, and she doesn’t want to let it go. ELAINE All right, all right. I-- just bring me anything. She sighs a big sigh and stares into space. She picks up a dessert placard to idly read before tossing it aside. Jerry and George enter. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

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GEORGE Back to square one. Two newly minted single men. Elaine notices and panics. She picks up the dessert placard to cover her face and slinks low in her seat. It doesn’t work. GEORGE Elaine? She tries to pretend she wasn’t being suspicious. ELAINE Jerry, George, hello! Oh, wow, I didn’t see you there! I was just so exhausted. JERRY Is that so? ELAINE Well, Prudence brought a bottle of wine, but we didn’t realize it was fortified! Hoo! And Lucretia makes charades a dirty, filthy game. JERRY There was no ladies’ night, was there? GEORGE And what century are these names from? Elaine gives them both a resentful pout. JERRY You didn’t know we were coming to the diner. What were you doing here? The waitress returns with a plate. WAITRESS I think she was trying to ask me on a date. She sets it down in front of Elaine. WAITRESS Here’s your cheesecake. Can I get you anything else? (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

30.

Jerry looks at Elaine vindictively, triumphantly. Elaine sheepishly looks at Jerry and George, and then to the waitress. ELAINE Two more forks, please? INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE - DAY Kramer is seated in the patient’s chair. Brenda enters the room silently. KRAMER Hey, doc! Heard you had a pretty good night with my friend, huh? She looks at him in wide-eyed disbelief, then puts on her latex gloves. KRAMER Speechless, huh? I don’t blame you. I know a good match when I see one! She loosens the chair to the reclining position, but the seat offers no resistance. He flattens out in one jarring instant. KRAMER So, uh, doc, about that discount? She starts up her dental drill. Its high-pitched WHIRR is piercing to hear. Kramer sees the poster on the ceiling again. This time it looks more sinister, as though last time he didn’t notice the child’s angry eyebrows and threatening posture. INT. DENTIST’S OFFICE HALLWAY - DAY Through the doorway to the examination room, the dental drill makes a GRINDING noise as it contacts Kramer’s teeth. Kramer WHIMPERS. END OF EPISODE