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Final Edition

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Dems In, Taxes Up, Patriot Act Out

Cover Story

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Vote for your favorite Democrat Leader
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Plus: Hooray for Hollywood! Page 8 New Dem Plan to Protect America Page 9
America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.


September 7, 2007

In Charge and

Wizard of 2006 Victory Aims for Bigger Things
Ames, Iowa—DNC Chairman Howard Dean addressed a roaring crowd of students and locals here today just as new polls show him to be a legitimate threat to Senator Hillary Clinton for the 2008 Democrat nomination. “They wrote us off after 2000!” Dean shouted to the cheering crowd. “They wrote us off after 2002! They wrote us off after 2004! And some people—like a certain party committee chairman from Illinois—tried to write us off in 2006! But in the end, we showed them who was right all along!” Dean, who ran for President in 2004 without winning a single primary, was not considered a serious 2008 candidate a year ago. But after getting credit for the shocking Democrat House and Senate victories in November, his stock among Democrats skyrocketed. “This is the man who put Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid in power,” political analyst Charlize Bake said. “Every single House and Senate Democrat enjoying their time in the majority are there due to Howard Dean. What’s more, he did it by being the anti-Hillary. She tries to look moderate. Dean doesn’t bother.” Indeed, Dean, who is famous for speaking his mind, has done so even more frequently as his popularity and presidential prospects have risen. “When I said ‘I hate Republicans and everything they stand for,’ I was raked over the coals,” Dean said at the rally in Iowa. “Now, there’s nothing they can do, because they’re where they belong—powerless in the minority!” Not everyone is pleased with Dean’s performance. “He got lucky,” one prominent Democrat party member said confidentially from his home in Chappaqua. “The Republicans were divided, and when their base didn’t show up, a Democrat victory was inevitable.” The New York Times, in an editorial entitled “Does He Have What It Takes,” suggested that “Dean is passionate, yes, but is he in it for Democrats or for himself? John Murtha is working to get us out of Iraq. Pat Leahy is keeping the President from appointing another right-wing extremist to the Supreme Court. What has Dean done for us lately, other than give speeches in primary states?” The Ames crowd, however, responded enthusiastically to Dean’s fiery speech. “He showed us he’s the one who

Charged Up
Back From Break, Dem Majority Ready to Roll
Washington—It has been eight months since Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as Speaker of the House and Harry Reid took the gavel as Senate Majority Leader. Now, as Congress returns from its annual August recess, politicians and talking heads alike are looking back in amazement at how life in Washington has changed since the Democrats took over. But it is not just Washington that has changed. The reverberations from last November’s stunning Democrat victory are being felt across the country, and around the world. For this special Cover Story, America Weakly traveled thousands of miles, conducted dozens of interviews, and sought out professional politicians and regular Americans alike, all to answer a misleadingly simple-sounding question: how have the Democrats done? Six years ago, President Bush entered office promising to be a uniter, not a divider. The Democrats claimed he was lying, and to their credit, they made no such promises themselves. Reducing the partisan rancor in Washington was simply never part of their agenda. “We’re not here to make friends,” Speaker Pelosi said shortly after the 2006 election. “We’re here to put the brakes on the President, and we’ll use every means necessary to do it.” That was certainly a promise kept. Since taking control, Democrats have deep-sixed virtually every proposal that ever came near the White House. “It’s been amazing,” political analyst Phillip Kass said. “If it even had a whiff of White House approval, it didn’t come to the floor.” Indeed, some of the President’s long-term pet projects are now dying quiet deaths thanks to Democratic control of the government’s purse strings. A year ago, after North Korea successfully tested a missile with the ability to reach the continental United States, the President ordered the activation of the nation’s first-ever missile defense system. Today, that system sits deactivated and being dismantled, one of the first programs to fall to the Democratic axe. “Madeleine Albright showed you can deal with the North Koreans,” Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Joe Biden said. “Remember her visit with Kim Jong Il in 2000, when she gave him a basketball signed by Michael Jordan? That shows the kind of open dialogue between responsible leaders we need, not expensive technology to stop their missiles.” Some of the programs closest to Bush’s heart are the ones the Democrats went after with the most energy. “We needed to show who’s in charge now,” explained House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Charlie Rangel. “That’s why I put an end to funding for the faith-based program. I sent a message to the President: there’s a new Congress in town.” It’s not just about legislation. Confirmations for Presidential appointments have ground to a halt. Everyone knows about the 4–4 Supreme Court (see related story on page 3), but Democrats have put the kibosh on lower court nominees as well, not to mention administration appointees. The UN ambassadorship as well remains vacant after former Ambassador John Bolton’s recess appointment expired in January 2007. Some government analysts have expressed concern about leaving so many offices in Washington empty, and Democrats admit that it’s not an ideal situation. But, they say, it’s better than the alternative. “Behind closed doors, maybe a few members of the caucus admit that they’re uncomfortable with such major vacancies at the Supreme Court and the UN,” one leadership aide, who agreed to speak only on background, said. “But as a whole, the caucus understands that this is about showing the President exactly who’s in charge now. The President needs to understand that if we don’t have a role in choosing appointees, or if we don’t like them, they won’t be confirmed. There’s a new sheriff in town.” On other issues, however, the new Congress has run into the limitations that come with only controlling one branch of government. “We know that this is just the first step,” Pelosi said. “There are things we have the power to do, like refusing to reauthorize the PATRIOT Act or defunding the NSA unless it stops its domestic spying. But to make this revolution complete, we need to win back the White House in 2008.” She listed examples of bills passed under the new Democrat majorities but vetoed or under veto threats by the President, including repeals of the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts (see related story on page 3) and of class action and bankruptcy legislation passed in 2005. “We’re learning the limitations of just holding Congress,” she explained. “For example, we stopped the energy proposals, but we couldn’t get a vetoproof majority to pass a BTU tax or a gas tax that would only cost families $900 a year. So on energy, we’re just going to end up doing nothing. Of course, that’s far better than letting the President’s disastrous plans come to a vote.” (Continued on page 7)

Reid and Pelosi: In charge on Capitol Hill

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.


Just Say
Gleelful paricipants at the Dean rally can do it,” an Iowa State student who attended the rally said. “He’s been on the front lines. He fought the Republicans and won. And two years from now, when he’s President and we’re out of Iraq, the American people will wonder why they didn’t vote for him back in 2004.” Dean seemed to bask in the glow, but in the grand tradition of nonannounced candidates, he was coy when asked about his presidential ambitions. “Our job as Democrats is to undo all of the bad that George W. Bush has done,” he said. “Whether I’m the best person for that job or not is up to the Democratic primary voters. But one thing I know for sure: Democrats are on their way back, and soon the Bush tax cuts, the Bush war on terror, the Bush Supreme Court—soon we’ll be working hard to make sure all of those are no more than a passing memory.” Vote for your favorite Democrat at


Impeachment Hearings Begin
Washington—Two years ago, Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) held a mock impeachment hearing. It was in the basement of the Capitol. Only Democrats were present. The news media, aside from a few progressive bloggers and the Capitol Hill newspapers, barely noticed. What a difference an election makes. Yesterday, the cameras were whirring, the lights were glaring, and the eyes of the nation were on Chairman Conyers as—at precisely 9:00 a.m.—he gaveled into session the first formal House Judiciary Committee hearing into impeachment proceedings for President George W. Bush. Chairman Conyers started the proceedings by calling them “long overdue” and pledging to hold President Bush accountable for “wrongdoing unlike any we have seen in the history of our nation.” Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-WI), the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee, called the hearings “nothing more than a show.” Democrats, however, disagreed, as did legal experts. Former Attorney General Ramsey Clark, who is scheduled to testify before the committee later this week, praised Conyers and the Democrat leadership for having the bravery to move forward with hearings. “The actions of this Administration are abominable,” Clark said. “This President has made a mockery of democracy.” Attorney John Bonifaz, author of Warrior-King: The Case for Impeaching George W. Bush and co-founder of, accused President Bush of purposely deceiving the American public to start a war in Iraq. “Among his many offenses, this President lied to the American people to go to war. If this is not an impeachable offense I don’t know what is,” Bonifaz said. (Continued on page 8)

Dems Celebrate End of Bush Security Measures
Washington—Beginning what is expected to be a weeklong public relations blitz, House Majority Leader John Murtha yesterday released a comprehensive document detailing Democrat successes in the foreign policy arena since taking over the majority in January. “The only reason I ran for Majority Leader was to end our destructive interference in the world, and our misguided actions in the War on Terror,” Murtha said. “And I am proud to say that, after only eight months, we have accomplished more than I could ever have hoped for.” Because they are Rep. John Murtha still subject to President Bush’s veto pen, the Democrat majorities have made their biggest mark in foreign policy with funding decisions. For example, the Democrats zeroed out any money for the President’s missile defense program. “The ability to shoot down missiles launched from South Korea is clearly provocative,” House International Relations Committee Chairman Tom Lantos said. “If developing a system to shoot down those missiles is provoking them, then we shouldn’t do so. Diplomacy is the answer.” The once-feared NSA Surveillance Program has been disbanded as well, after its funding was cut to zero. “This program was a clear violation of due process,” House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers said. “I don’t care how many attacks it might have stopped. Even if there really are sleeper cells in this country, we have a careful and deliberate process to stop them. Yes, it might take a bit longer, and we might not get every single bit of information, but that’s a small price to pay.” The President’s veto is also ineffective against matters in which the Congress has the prerogative, like reauthorizing the PATRIOT Act. “It’ll never even come up,” one House leadership source said. “The Patriot Act is dead.” There are other symbolic victories that Murtha pointed to. For example, Harry Reid followed up on his 2006 comments that force was not an option in Iran by introducing a Sense of the Senate measure that the United States would not take any offensive military action against the Iranian government. “That kind of thing makes a difference,” foreign policy expert Matt McKay said. “It doesn’t have the force of law, but it sends a message around the world about our intentions, and what we will and won’t do.” In addition, House leaders have promised hearings on a wide array of issues, including scaling back interrogation techniques used against accused terrorists. “These harsh methods to force them to talk is not what we should be about,” one Democrat staff source said. “Whatever happened to good old-fashioned interrogation methods that we’ve used for years against common criminals, like good cop/bad cop?” Republicans have protested that the Democrat policies are endangering American security, but Murtha dismissed the complaints. “Elections have consequences,” the Majority Leader said.

Tax Cut Repeal Passes House
Washington—Fresh back from their August recess, Democrat majorities on Capitol Hill yesterday followed through on one of their major election year promises: passing legislation to roll back President Bush’s tax cuts. The final tax hike, which the White House says amounts to $2.4 trillion and will raise taxes on every American taxpayer, was passed on party line votes in both chambers. “We need this money to pay for all sorts of vital national interests,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at a press conference immediately after the Senate passed the bill. “We in Washington have a responsibility to take care of the American people, and after six years, we are finally making sure that we have the resources to live up to that responsibility.” (Continued on page 8)


All Tied Up: Supremes Still Stuck at 4-4
Washington—After the Supreme Court announced that it had deadlocked on yet another major case on Monday, Washington insiders were wondering this week just how long it would be before President Bush acceded to Senate demands for a cooperative process to replace retired Justice John Paul Stevens. “We have made it clear to the President what we expect,” Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Pat Leahy said. “We will not simply sit in the background and vote yes or no on his nominee. We expect to be part of the entire process. In the spirit of bipartisanship, I have forwarded to the White House a half dozen names that would be acceptable to the Democrat majority. But the President stubbornly insists on going his own way.” (Continued on page 7)

The Supreme Court is still a Supreme short

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.

September 7, 2007

✭ ✭ ✭



It’s been eight months since Democrats took control of Congress. Now it’s your chance to tell us what you think of their tenure. Who’s done the most to make sure Americans are paying their fair share in taxes? Who’s working the hardest to pull out of Iraq? Who’s doing everything he or she can to block the President’s agenda?


Vote for your favorite Dem leader at



Vote by September 24, 2007 and the winning Democrat Leader will be presented with a Special Commemorative Plaque to proudly display in their office.

The Man Who Should Be President
Senate Small Business Committee Chairman


Restore the Roar
DNC Chairman

Howard Dean
“I hate the Republicans and everything they stand for …” — January 29, 2005 “[I]t’s time to have somebody in the White House who can chew gum and think at the same time.”— October 23, 2005

John Kerry
“I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.” —March 16, 2004




Leader in Withdrawal
House Majority Leader

From the

White House
to the

Reid Reigns
Senate Majority Leader

Harry Reid
“We killed the PATRIOT Act.” — December 17, 2005 “President Bush will get nothing done that he wants… I think this guy is a loser.” — May 7, 2005

John Murtha
"Our troops have become the enemy.”— November 18, 2005 “We can go to Okinawa…When I say a timely response, you know, our fighters can fly from Okinawa very quickly.”—June 18, 2006

White House

Hillary Rodham Clinton
“We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.”— June 28, 2004 “[The House Of Representatives] has been run like a plantation, and you know what I’m talking about.” — January 16, 2006



Investigation Central
House Government Reform Committee Chairman

Impeachment Czar
House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Henry Waxman
In 2006, called for investigations of the Bush Administration relating to 15 issues, from terrorist detainees and Hurricane Katrina to federal tobacco policy and then-retired Attorney General John Ashcroft.

John Conyers
Introduced Resolution calling for impeachment of President Bush in 2005. Filed Amicus Briefs in two federal courts in May 2006 to stop the NSA’s Terrorist Surveillance Program.




San Francisco Speaker
Speaker of the House

Levin’ Iraq
Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman

Liberal Lion
Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions (HELP) Committee Chairman

Nancy Pelosi
“And I pride myself in being called a ‘liberal,’ so I’m not dodging that word.”— November 17, 2002 “I don’t really consider ourselves at war.”— May 6, 2002

Carl Levin
“[T]here is no chance of them solving the insurgency problem. That’s our military people telling us that.”— December 26, 2006 “[T]he Administration needs to adopt as its goal the phased withdrawal in 2006.” — November 15, 2005

Ted Kennedy
Ranked by the nonpartisan National Journal as the most liberal Senator in 2005. “America’s goal [in Iraq] should be to complete our military withdrawal as early as possible in 2006.”— January 27, 2005




Standing Pat
Judiciary Chairman

Pat Leahy
Voted to filibuster Justice Sam Alito. Blocked 10 appellate court judicial nominees in between 2003 and 2005 with a total of 22 filibusters.

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. However, the dated quotes and votes cited on this page are true and accurate.
Paid for by the Republican National Committee, 310 First St S.E. Washington, D.C. 20003 Not authorized by any candidate or candidate committee.


September 7, 2007

Guest Opinion Yesterday’s Gone
The early 1960s standard “What a Difference a Day Makes” comes to mind when taking stock of what the Democrats have accomplished during the first eight months of 2007. A lover’s confession, the song speaks of stormy skies and blue moods but then goes on to proclaim, “What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours…and the difference is you.” Here in Washington, as lawmakers come back from their Summer recess, we salute the Democrat-led Congress for the work they’ve done and the difference they’re making every day on behalf of real Americans. Last summer, no one was sure that the Democrats had what it takes to overcome the Republicans and take control of Congress. Yet, here we are observing their handiwork: Stopping the President from installing another right-wing conservative to replace John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court; debunking the notion that tax cuts are good and spreading the idea that less in your pocket can mean more in your heart; getting government oversight back into the doctor-patient relationship; mending fences with the United Nations; expanding firearms restrictions; getting closer to pulling the plug on Iraq; and finally seeing impeachment proceedings against President Bush begin in the House Judiciary Committee. It goes without saying that there are still significant legislative and political obstacles ahead, given the Democrats’ slim majorities in the House and Senate and the fact that a Republican still occupies the White House. We cannot yet overcome a Bush veto, and that has slowed some of our progress. But there’s a real sense that things are changing for everyday American families. There’s a tangible optimism out there that’s been largely lacking for the better part of 12 years. If you go out beyond the Beltway and talk to typical people in places like Berkeley, Santa Fe, Burlington and Northampton, there’s a feeling that America is coming back. There’s a feeling that America is starting to heal and this in itself is as important as the progress we’ve seen in Washington over the past eight months. Of course there are some on the left who feel that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi aren’t fighting hard enough for real Democrat principles, and at times we’ve shared this frustration. Eric Smith, the Executive Director of the Campaign for Renewed and United Democrats, captured this sentiment recently right here in the Weakly when he remarked, “We’ve made progress, but are we really being truly progressive? There needs to be a progressive paradigm shift where real questions are asked. How much should taxes be increased? How can we best spend those taxpayer dollars? Why do the insurgents and freedom fighters of the Middle East dislike America so much, and is our presence in the Middle East an impediment to peace and global progress?” Our counsel to Eric and others who share his sentiment is not to fret. We’ll get there. For the moment, just sit back and take heart that the USS America is back on course. In one important way, progressive grassroots activists and Democrat leaders are on the same page: they know that this ship won’t truly arrive in port until a Democrat once again resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Which leads us to ponder a different song as we peer ahead to a cold January night a little less than a year and a half in the future. In the first second that you hear the opening guitar and piano chords, you’ll recognize this one. It’s a song about redemption and the future. In a nutshell, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone.

We’re Back! A Trial Lawyer Speaks Out by Samuel L. Billings III, esq.
Aside from an aggressively conservative Supreme Court and a stampede of Bush-appointed right-wing judges in our federal judiciary, things are looking up for the American judicial system. The legislative assaults on Lady Justice have temporarily subsided and our beloved tort system can rest a little easier. Yes, my friends, Democrats have taken back the Congress and your friendly neighborhood trial lawyers are back in business. The Republican rule in Congress was defined by their unremitting attacks on victims of wrongdoing. When a thoughtless restaurant packs their food full of delicious, fatty, unhealthy additives and then has the audacity to fry it— Republicans told the consumer of the food that it was their own gluttonous fault for gaining weight. When a women sues a railroad after getting hit by a train while walking on the tracks, or a student sues to end summer homework, the Republicans tried to blame the victims. The Republicans liked to call it ‘personal responsibility,’ but we knew better. Is it your own fault that manufacturers are adding trans-fats to chocolate sandwich cookies? Is it fair that your boy didn’t make the varsity football team? Is it right that, after years in the same job, you get passed over for promotion time and time again? Republicans might say that these problems don’t belong in the courts. But now that the Democrats are back in power, America’s trial lawyers will once again be able to seek justice for all of these victims.

“[Y]our friendly neighborhood trial lawyers are back in business.”

Is it greed to want to help these people? I’ve won settlements for huge groups. I’ve won malpractice suits so big that whole medical clinics have been put out of business. I’ve won car accident torts that led to whole towns having to put up new traffic lights and widen their streets. I’ve won workplace injury decisions that forced entire factories to redesign their floors. The Republicans say that this raises taxes and puts people out of work. But each one of those wins was like realizing you had the winning multi-million dollar lottery ticket—and doesn’t that make it worth it? The Democrat majorities know that attorney fees and frequent case dismissals are red herring arguments when the real issue is the huge settlements that we know how to secure. Today’s Democrat leaders are champions for our cause and they are putting big business, doctors and other negligent parties on notice: the free ride is over, and it’s time to pay up! Speaking of which, if you have ever experienced a workplace injury or suspect you have been the victim of medical malpractice, call me at 555-863-8000.

To the editor: I would like to publicly congratulate Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and all of the other Democrat leaders for the great job they have done in the eight months since taking over the House and Senate. Thanks to a great and patriotic American named Jim Jeffords, I served as Senate Majority leader for a year and a half, and I learned during that time how important it is for Democrats to be in the majority if we want to really have the power to turn back the President’s agenda. Now we have that power, and I am glad to see that we are using it, in issues as far ranging as making more Americans pay their share of taxes to turning the lights out on the President’s illegal war in Iraq. In fact, it looks like so much fun that I might try to get back into politics! Congratulations again to the Democrat majority, and here’s to the next year and a half of acting as a brake on the Republican Party. Sincerely, Tom Daschle Former United States Senator To the editor: America Weakly is leading the charge! So much of the write-wing press has tried to poison the well for our new Democrat Majority. Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, The Washington Post—all they can talk about taxes going up on the rich, and lossing momentum in the so-called ‘War on Terror.’ But some of us no better. People like Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks—these are people who had the braveness to speak up, to tell the truth about this corrupt Republican Party and the wrst President in history. It’s like when the brave men and women of the left stood up during the Charlie McCarthy scare back in the 1930s. We have a great alley in America Weakly, and with your help, we will march forward. Last November’s Democrat victoriousness was only the first step. Next year: the White House! Sincerely, Barbra Streisand To the editor: Though we are happy to see the Democrats’ ascension, we—like so many who voted for the new majority last November—are disappointed with their apparent timidity on so many issues. For example, yes, impeachment proceedings for the President are moving forward. But what about Cheney and Rumsfeld, and the rest of the cabinet? No member of this criminal enterprise should go unpunished. And yes, defunding the NSA was an important first step, but what about disbanding the Department of Homeland Security and the CIA once and for all? The injustices visited upon so many demand it. We didn’t vote for Democrats because of their weak-willed policy agenda. We voted for them because we were angry at the Republicans, and the Democrats were the only ones who could stop them. And the Democrats had better remember—it’s because of people like us that they’re in power. If they don’t keep us happy, they may very well find themselves back on the losing side. Sincerely, The Hampshire College Faculty Association

Submit letters to the editor and op-eds to America Weakly, 310 First St. SE, Washington, DC 20003, or via our web site at, or call us at 800-714-6788

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.

September 7, 2007


Weakly Jumble!
1 DNC doc and author of the 50 state strategy 2 “Bye” to John Kerry 3 First order of business to get back at W 4 Multinational force set to command our troops 5 We’d rather depend on other nations for it than drill for it at home The Jumble Answer: What are we celebrating in this issue of America Weakly?

Aries Your wallet will get lighter and lighter, as more and more Republican tax cuts expire. Leo Your conversations with terrorists will be free and clear of any government wiretapping. Sagittarius Summer cold season is approaching, but don’t worry! The government will soon be taking charge of your health care. Taurus Your summers will get warmer and warmer as your once landlocked lot will become oceanfront property. Just ask Al Gore. Virgo Beware of experiencing too much prosperity and wealth; it may result in more burden and commitment to Uncle Sam.

6 Harry Reid’s preferred boxing match seat location 7 Speaker from San Fran 8 They’re being made to pay their fair share in taxes 9 Reid gloated we “killed” it 10 Location of unnecessary war 11 The best solution for society’s problems 12 It’s best fought here at home, or Okinawa 10 Iraq 11 Big Government 12 War On Terror Jumble Answer: Dems in Charge Committee aide. “He should just count himself lucky we weren’t in the position we’re in now two years ago, or some of those conservatives might not be there, either.” Ralph Neas, President of People for the American Way, doesn’t see the urgency. “The American people spoke last November, and they said they don’t want justices whose radical interpretation of the Constitution doesn’t include so many of the new rights that 8 The Rich 9 Patriot Act 3 Impeachment 4 United Nations 5 Oil 6 Ringside 7 Nancy Pelosi 1 Howard Dean 2 Adieu

Capricorn The road ahead of you is clear; unless you’re driving, in which case you’ll face higher gas prices and taxes. Gemini A new job or promotion is in your future. If you’re a judge appointed by President Bush, however, it might take a while. Libra Your favorite television show will be routinely interrupted this month by updates on the Democrats' impeachment hearings of President Bush. Aquarius Feeling Ill? No worries, the government bureaucrats will make all of your difficult medical decisions for you! Cancer Luck is in the air: you will find yourself slightly richer. On the down side, it will be because you were part of a major class-action that put your employer out of business. Better make that $38.42 last! Scorpio Significant life ceremonies are in store, but you will not have to worry about any prayers being a part of them. Pisces Are you feeling hot and cold, happy and sad, angry and content? The Democratic Party joins you in your indecision.

Supremes Still Stuck
(Continued from page 3) The then-86-year-old Stevens announced his retirement shortly after the 2006 elections, in which Democrats won both the House and the Senate. He officially left the Court on January 1, 2007. The President’s first nominee to replace him never was granted a committee hearing, and withdrew her name from consideration. A month later, his second nominee was given a hearing, and voted down in committee by a unanimous Democrat majority. Since then, there has been a deadlock. The President will not budge. He continues to insist that nominating a justice is his prerogative, and the role of the Senate is in the confirmation process. In addition, the President often repeats that he will insist on judges who, as he puts it, ‘interpret the law, not legislate from the bench.’ Republicans have attacked the Democrat members of the Senate Judiciary Committee, who have nicknamed themselves “The Caravan of Courage.” But Democrats don’t believe that they deserve any share of the blame for the situation. “It’s not our job to come to him,” Leahy said. “We’re the majority now. He needs to recognize that the rules

have changed. We’re holding a few cards of our own now.” Former Solicitor General Ted Olson warned of the importance not only of filling the ninth seat on the high court, but of restarting the confirmation process for lower courts, which has also stalled. Democrats, however, question Olson’s motives. “He just wants another hard right winger up there to vote with the rest of the conservatives,” a top Judiciary

judges have recognized over the years,” Neas said. “If we have to leave that seat empty until we elect a Democrat President, that’s exactly what we’ll do.” Until then, or until the President and the Senate can come to an agreement, the Supreme Court will continue to operate shorthanded. To read more, go to

Dems in Charge
Since the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens, the Supreme Court has deadlocked on many important cases. Here is a sampling of 4-4 decisions (in which the lower court decision automatically stands). Holmes vs. Consolidated School District of Rochester: Lower court ruled that any kind of prayer—even nondenominational— at a school graduation ceremony infringed upon the first amendment rights of any atheists participating, viewing, or in hearing distance of the ceremony. John Smith vs. United States: Lower court ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance “unfairly asks those living in America to state their loyalty to America, a clear violation of the First Amendment.” Jones et al vs. Vermont: Lower court affirmed states’ rights to take private lands in order to protect species (even those not currently listed as endangered)—in this case, a newly-discovered breed of insect, the Northern Biting Fly. (Continued from page 2) The Democrats have been stymied as well on their attempts to close the Guantanamo Bay terrorist prison facility, and to revisit the Kyoto Treaty provisions. Some Democrats, however, are not concerned with legislative setbacks. “Sure, it might be nice if we passed some of our own bills,” one Democrat leadership aide said. “But legislative achievement isn’t what we’re after. Stopping the President is what we’re after—and we’re doing it.” The reality is that despite some setbacks, the entire political landscape has changed. America is radically different than it was just eight months ago. And even outside of Washington, regular Americans are sitting up and taking notice.

“It’s about time,” Judy SmithWalker, a New York graphic designer said. “Go into any coffee shop here and you’ll hear people saying the same thing: we finally feel like the government is one we can understand.” Stefan, a 28-year-old full time student in San Francisco, agrees, adding that he feels that the Democrats’ priorities more closely match most Americans. “Ask around,” he said. “No one here is talking about a socalled War on Terror or how many dividends corporate America can show. We want Washington dealing with real issues, like stopping animal testing, or ending the Cuba embargo, or finally passing a good, Canadianstyle health care system.” Single-payer health care hasn’t come up yet (though Health Subcommittee Chairman Pete Stark is rumored to be working on a bill), but it is clear that many Americans now believe that anything is possible. The mood in the country has changed. “The last six years have been so horrible,” aspiring Hollywood screenwriter Rex Star told us. “All Washington could talk about was terrorism and homeland security. Now we don’t talk about those things any more, and so the country is happier. Any writer will tell you: depressing doesn’t sell.”

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.


September 7, 2007

a oorory H f


Washington Daybook: September 7, 2007
Major Events House Speaker Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Reid, House Majority Leader Murtha headline a press conference to discuss the Democrat Majority’s accomplishments blocking President Bush’s security agenda. Senate Triangle, 10:00 a.m. Today’s Investigations: 9:00 a.m. Day two of House Judiciary Committee Hearings on Presidential Impeachment. Testimony on President Bush’s Saudi connections is expected. 2:00 p.m. House Government Reform Committee Chairman Henry Waxman continues his “12 Investigations in 12 Months” tour with the 9th hearing, “Secrecy And Deception: Did Karl Rove Secretly Hide alZarqawi and Saddam Hussein for Political Gain?” Committee Hearings: 9:00 a.m. The Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee markup of Chairman Ted Kennedy’s legislation entitled, “Leave Education For Teachers” or LEFT ACT of 2007. The legislation calls for “The complete repeal of unfair and unreachable standards for student achievement in No Child Left Behind.” 10:30 a.m. House Ways and Means Committee hearing entitled, “Undoing Tax Cuts.” 2:00 p.m. House Government Reform Committee hearing entitled, “Keeping the Country as Safe as the Capital: Expanding the DC Gun Ban to the States.” 4:00 p.m. Democrat moneyman George Soros testifies before the Senate Commerce Committee on the art of international investment. 5:00 p.m. Small Business Committee Chairman John Kerry explores how more government investment and oversight—and less wasteful tax cuts—will help small businesses thrive. Member Events: 1:00 p.m. Senator Barbara Boxer (DCA) and Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) appear with former University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill for a roundtable discussion with students entitled, “Who’s the Terrorist?” 1:30 p.m. Senator Hillary Clinton speaks to the American Medical Association on “The Healthcare that America Deserves: Rethinking Our Aversion to Single-Payer Systems.” 4:00 p.m. The French Ambassador and Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Joe Biden hold a joint press conference on “Mistakes Made in 2003; Why the U.S. Should Have Listened to the World.” Off-the-Hill Events 10:00 a.m. The Brookings Institute holds a seminar entitled, “Whose Congress is It After All: Competing Agendas in the Democrat Majority.” 10:00 a.m. The Progressive Institute holds a seminar entitled, “It’s Our Congress: How to Continue Shaping a Progressive Agenda for the Democrat Majority.” 10:00 a.m. The Blue-Dog Coalition holds a seminar entitled, “It’s Our Congress, Too: How to Work for a Moderate Agenda for the Democrat Majority.” 2:00 p.m. holds a press conference to release its report “Two Impeachments, One New America: How Nancy Pelosi Can Be in the White House in 90 Days.” 4:00 p.m. ACLU holds a symposium: “A Government Without God: How Democrats Are Taking Action to Enforce the First Amendment.” Political Events: 7:00 p.m. Democrat National Committee Chairman Howard Dean holds a seminar at Yale entitled, “Dragging Democrats to Victory: How the 50State Strategy Delivered Congress.”


It’s the end of the summer, and all eyes are turned to Washington as our favorite celebs arrive to support the returning Dem majorities… We hear that Rob Reiner was seen visiting members of the California delegation in the U.S. House, maybe laying the groundwork for that longawaited run for public office? Reiner, last heard in June 2006 saying “We are going to fight for progressive causes,” is a favorite of California Dems after having helped bankroll the unfortunately unsuccessful 2006 ballot initiative to spend $2.4 billion on pre-schools… Sighted! Michael Moore at a series of soirees held throughout the week celebrating the accomplishments of the Dem majority. America Weakly’s favorite documentarian went from party to party, reputedly enjoying some of the best seafood, steak and desserts to be had in DC… Moby is mobilizing once again on behalf of PETA. The vegan rocker and longtime supporter of the animal rights group was on Capitol Hill last week, presumably to push for more and stronger laws to protect all of the critters on the planet. PETA’s influence in DC has increased tremendously since the Dem takeover—they’ve come a long way since having to apologize in 2003 for comparing animal suffering to the Holocaust… Baldwin Watch! As our regular readers know, activist and thespian Alec Baldwin was the original inspiration for America Weakly’s Hooray for Hollywood column. Well, we caught up with our favorite celeb and asked him how he was celebrating the first eight months of Democrat control of Congress. He said “I’m just working hard—we still have to get the White House back, and I’m going to make sure Hollywood plays a role in that campaign.” We know you will, Alec, and that’s why we love you.

(Continued from page 3) He added, “I hope they go after [Vice President Dick] Cheney and [Secretary of Defense Donald] Rumsfeld next. If we do this right, we can remove the whole cabal and be swearing Nancy Pelosi in to serve out the remainder of Bush’s term.” To many members of Congress, the hearings represent promises kept. In 2005, Judiciary committee member Jerry Nadler (D-NY) said, “If we had an honest Congress, we’d be considering impeachment.” Today, he told America Weakly, “I am thrilled to say we finally have an honest Congress. The American people knew exactly what they were voting for last November. We told them that if we won, we would move forward and make this President accountable. Today, we’re keeping that promise.” Democrat National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, now mentioned prominently as a presidential candidate after successfully leading Democrats back to the majority in Congress, has been enthusiastically promoting the hearings at appearances across the country, from Iowa to New Hampshire.

“For years we have watched the Republican majorities allow the President to get away with whatever he wants. It is about time he was held responsible,” Dean said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (DCA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) continue to be unavailable for comment. Some Republicans have questioned the timing of the hearings and wondered if they were payback to party activists for helping the Democrats regain the majority. Before the November elections, more than 10 Democrat state parties had passed resolutions calling for President Bush to be impeached and many groups aligned with the Democrat Party— like—have long supported impeaching the President. For some, this is just the first step. “Justice won’t truly be served until George W. Bush is tried by the International Criminal Court at the Hague for war crimes,” a MoveOn spokesman said. Minority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) called the hearings the “most ridiculous” thing he has seen in Congress and vowed to fight the Democrats. Rep. Sensenbrenner accused the

Democrats of being tied to special interests. “Once again the Democrats have bowed to the pressure of Hollywood liberal interest groups,” he said. Democrats, however, are unbowed. “Elections have consequences,” Conyers said. “The Democrat Party was elected for a reason. If Republicans had won, impeachment would remain nothing more than a daydream. But this is no dream—it’s a nightmare for the Bush Administration and the Republicans, because they didn’t win, and my committee will move forward to impeach this President.”

(Continued from page 3) In a statement, DNC Chairman Howard Dean said, “I am proud the House and Senate have passed the tax plan I proposed while running for President. The Republican tax cuts were absurd then and they are absurd now.” Dean, widely considered a presidential candidate, had some suggestions for the use of the new federal funds. “There are some areas in which we can and should be doing more. For

example, I proposed free rabies shots for Vermont cats while I was governor. That was a vital public health issue, and I think we should look to expand that program on a national level.” The legislation would roll back marriage penalty relief, the increase in the child tax credit, and the dividend and capital gains tax cuts. Each of the income tax brackets would increase, including a 50 percent increase in the current 10 percent bracket. House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Charlie Rangel (D-NY), who as far back as 1986 maintained that tax bills that do not raise revenues do nothing for the economy, dismissed criticisms of the Democrat tax bill. At a town hall meeting with fellow New York legislators, Rangel said, “It’s only going to be about $100 from each paycheck, give or take. Pretty soon, no one will even notice.” “We don’t want to raise taxes on everybody,” one Democrat aide said. “But some adjustments are more than overdue. For example, married couples making more than $80,000 a year with three or more kids, at least two pets, a part-time gardener and a commute of not less than 5 miles but not more than 7.5—those people need to pay their fair share.”

President Bush has promised to veto any tax increases, which Democrats say points to the need for a Democrat victory in 2008. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said, “Election ’08 is shaping up to be one of the most important in our lifetimes. I will do everything in my power to elect more Democrats next year. The American people spoke last November, but President Bush is ignoring them by threatening to veto vital economic legislation. It is unacceptable.” Get America Weakly video at

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