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SEPTEMBER 7, 2007 www.AmericaWeakly.com

WHAT A PARTY!
Dems In,
Taxes Up,
Patriot
Act Out
Cover Story
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Page 2

SPECIAL SECTION: Vote for your favorite Democrat Leader


Page 5

Plus: Hooray for Hollywood! Page 8


New Dem Plan to Protect America Page 9
FOLIO/BRACK

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
2 www.AmericaWeakly.com September 7, 2007

DEAN

Democrats: RESURGENT
Wizard of 2006
Victory Aims for
Bigger Things

In Charge and
Ames, Iowa—DNC Chairman Howard
Dean addressed a roaring crowd of stu-
dents and locals here today just as new
polls show him to be a legitimate threat
to Senator Hillary Clinton for the 2008
Democrat nomination.
“They wrote us off after 2000!”

Charged Up
Dean shouted to the cheering crowd.
“They wrote us off after 2002! They
wrote us off after 2004! And some
people—like a certain party commit-
tee chairman from Illinois—tried to
write us off in 2006! But in the end,
we showed them who was right all
along!”
Dean, who ran for President in
2004 without winning a single pri-

Back From Break, Dem Majority Ready to Roll mary, was not considered a serious
2008 candidate a year ago. But after
getting credit for the shocking
Washington—It has been eight months since Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as offices in Washington empty, and Democrats admit that it’s not an ideal situa- Democrat House and Senate victories
Speaker of the House and Harry Reid took the gavel as Senate Majority Leader. tion. But, they say, it’s better than the alternative. in November, his stock among
Now, as Congress returns from its annual August recess, politicians and talking “Behind closed doors, maybe a few members of the caucus admit that Democrats skyrocketed.
heads alike are looking back in amazement at how life in Washington has changed they’re uncomfortable with such major vacancies at the Supreme Court and the “This is the man who put Nancy
since the Democrats took over. UN,” one leadership aide, who agreed to speak only on background, said. “But Pelosi and Harry Reid in power,”
But it is not just Washington that has changed. The reverberations from last as a whole, the caucus understands that this is about showing the President political analyst Charlize Bake said.
November’s stunning Democrat victory are being felt across the country, and exactly who’s in charge now. The President needs to understand that if we don’t “Every single House and Senate
around the world. have a role in choosing appointees, or if we don’t like them, they won’t be con- Democrat enjoying their time in the
For this special Cover Story, America Weakly traveled thousands of miles, firmed. There’s a new sheriff in town.” majority are there due to Howard
conducted dozens of interviews, and sought out professional politicians and On other issues, however, the new Congress has run into the limitations that Dean. What’s more, he did it by being
regular Americans alike, all to answer a misleadingly simple-sounding ques- come with only controlling one branch of government. the anti-Hillary. She tries to look
tion: how have the Democrats done? “We know that this is just the first step,” Pelosi said. “There are things we moderate. Dean doesn’t bother.”
Six years ago, President Bush entered office promising to be a uniter, not a have the power to do, like refusing to reauthorize the PATRIOT Act or defund- Indeed, Dean, who is famous for
divider. The Democrats claimed he was lying, and to their credit, they made no ing the NSA unless it stops its domestic spying. But to make this revolution speaking his mind, has done so even
such promises themselves. Reducing the partisan rancor in Washington was complete, we need to win back the White House in 2008.” more frequently as his popularity and
simply never part of their agenda. She listed examples of bills passed under the new Democrat majorities but presidential prospects have risen.
“We’re not here to make friends,” Speaker Pelosi said shortly after the 2006 vetoed or under veto threats by the President, including repeals of the 2001 and “When I said ‘I hate Republicans
election. “We’re here to put the brakes on the President, and we’ll use every 2003 tax cuts (see related story on page 3) and of class action and bankruptcy and everything they stand for,’ I was
means necessary to do it.” legislation passed in 2005. raked over the coals,” Dean said at
That was certainly a promise kept. Since taking control, Democrats have “We’re learning the limitations of just holding Congress,” she explained. the rally in Iowa. “Now, there’s noth-
deep-sixed virtually every proposal that ever came near the White House. “For example, we stopped the energy proposals, but we couldn’t get a veto- ing they can do, because they’re
“It’s been amazing,” political analyst Phillip Kass said. “If it even had a proof majority to pass a BTU tax or a gas tax that would only cost families $900 where they belong—powerless in the
whiff of White House approval, it didn’t come to the floor.” a year. So on energy, we’re just going to end up doing nothing. Of course, that’s minority!”
Indeed, some of the President’s long-term pet projects are now dying quiet far better than letting the President’s disastrous plans come to a vote.” Not everyone is pleased with
deaths thanks to Democratic control of the government’s purse strings. (Continued on page 7) Dean’s performance.
A year ago, after North Korea successfully tested a missile with the ability “He got lucky,” one prominent
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to reach the continental United States, the President ordered the activation of Democrat party member said confi-
the nation’s first-ever missile defense system. Today, that system sits deactivat- dentially from his home in Chappaqua.
ed and being dismantled, one of the first programs to fall to the Democratic axe. “The Republicans were divided, and
“Madeleine Albright showed you can deal with the North Koreans,” Senate when their base didn’t show up, a
Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Joe Biden said. “Remember her visit Democrat victory was inevitable.”
with Kim Jong Il in 2000, when she gave him a basketball signed by Michael The New York Times, in an editorial
Jordan? That shows the kind of open dialogue between responsible leaders we entitled “Does He Have What It
need, not expensive technology to stop their missiles.” Takes,” suggested that “Dean is pas-
Some of the programs closest to Bush’s heart are the ones the Democrats sionate, yes, but is he in it for
went after with the most energy. Democrats or for himself? John
“We needed to show who’s in charge now,” explained House Ways and Murtha is working to get us out of
Means Committee Chairman Charlie Rangel. “That’s why I put an end to fund- Iraq. Pat Leahy is keeping the
ing for the faith-based program. I sent a message to the President: there’s a new President from appointing another
Congress in town.” right-wing extremist to the Supreme
It’s not just about legislation. Confirmations for Presidential appointments Court. What has Dean done for us
have ground to a halt. Everyone knows about the 4–4 Supreme Court (see related lately, other than give speeches in pri-
story on page 3), but Democrats have put the kibosh on lower court nominees mary states?”
as well, not to mention administration appointees. The UN ambassadorship The Ames crowd, however,
as well remains vacant after former Ambassador John Bolton’s recess appoint- responded enthusiastically to Dean’s
ment expired in January 2007. fiery speech.
Some government analysts have expressed concern about leaving so many Reid and Pelosi: In charge on Capitol Hill “He showed us he’s the one who

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
www.AmericaWeakly.com 3

GES
GETTY IMA
Just Say
HISTORY!
Gleelful paricipants at the Dean rally

can do it,” an Iowa State student


who attended the rally said. “He’s
been on the front lines. He fought the
Republicans and won. And two years
from now, when he’s President and
we’re out of Iraq, the American people
will wonder why they didn’t vote for
him back in 2004.”
Dean seemed to bask in the glow,
but in the grand tradition of non-
announced candidates, he was coy
when asked about his presidential
No!
Dems Celebrate End of Bush Security Measures
Washington—Beginning what is expected to be a weeklong public rela-
tions blitz, House Majority Leader John Murtha yesterday released a
comprehensive document detailing Democrat successes in the foreign
policy arena since taking over the majority in January.
Impeachment
Hearings Begin
Washington—Two years ago, Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) held a mock impeach-
ment hearing. It was in the basement of the Capitol. Only Democrats were
present. The news media, aside from a few progressive bloggers and the Capitol
Hill newspapers, barely noticed.
What a difference an election makes.
Yesterday, the cameras were whirring, the lights were glaring, and the eyes
of the nation were on Chairman Conyers as—at precisely 9:00 a.m.—he
gaveled into session the first formal House Judiciary Committee hearing into
impeachment proceedings for President George W. Bush.
ambitions. “The only reason I ran for Majority Leader was to end our destructive Chairman Conyers started the proceedings by calling them “long overdue”
“Our job as Democrats is to undo interference in the and pledging to hold President Bush accountable for “wrongdoing unlike any
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all of the bad that George W. Bush world, and our mis- we have seen in the history of our nation.”
has done,” he said. “Whether I’m the guided actions in the Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-WI), the ranking member on the Judiciary
best person for that job or not is up to War on Terror,” Murtha Committee, called the hearings “nothing more than a show.”
the Democratic primary voters. But said. “And I am proud Democrats, however, disagreed, as did legal experts.
one thing I know for sure: Democrats to say that, after only Former Attorney General Ramsey Clark, who is scheduled to testify before
are on their way back, and soon the eight months, we have the committee later this week, praised Conyers and the Democrat leadership for
Bush tax cuts, the Bush war on terror, accomplished more having the bravery to move forward with hearings.
the Bush Supreme Court—soon we’ll than I could ever “The actions of this Administration are abominable,” Clark said. “This
be working hard to make sure all of have hoped for.” President has made a mockery of democracy.”
those are no more than a passing Because they are Attorney John Bonifaz, author of Warrior-King: The Case for Impeaching
memory.” Rep. John Murtha still subject to Presi- George W. Bush and co-founder of AfterDowningStreet.org, accused President
Vote for your favorite Democrat at dent Bush’s veto pen, the Democrat majorities have made their biggest Bush of purposely deceiving the American public to start a war in Iraq.
www.AmericaWeakly.com/Vote mark in foreign policy with funding decisions. “Among his many offenses, this President lied to the American people to go
For example, the Democrats zeroed out any money for the Presi- to war. If this is not an impeachable offense I don’t know what is,” Bonifaz said.
dent’s missile defense program. (Continued on page 8)
“The ability to shoot down missiles launched from South Korea is
clearly provocative,” House International Relations Committee

PROMISE Chairman Tom Lantos said. “If developing a system to shoot down
those missiles is provoking them, then we shouldn’t do so. Diplomacy
is the answer.”
The once-feared NSA Surveillance Program has been disbanded
All Tied Up: Supremes Still Stuck at 4-4
Washington—After the Supreme Court announced that it had deadlocked

KEPT!
as well, after its funding was cut to zero. on yet another major case on Monday, Washington insiders were won-
“This program was a clear violation of due process,” House dering this week just how long it would be before President Bush acced-
Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers said. “I don’t care how ed to Senate demands for a cooperative process to replace retired Justice
many attacks it might have stopped. Even if there really are sleeper John Paul Stevens.
cells in this country, we have a careful and deliberate process to stop “We have made it clear to the President what we expect,” Senate
them. Yes, it might take a bit longer, and we might not get every sin- Judiciary Committee Chairman Pat Leahy said. “We will not simply sit
gle bit of information, but that’s a small price to pay.” in the background and vote yes or no on his nominee. We expect to be
The President’s veto is also ineffective against matters in which the part of the entire process. In the spirit of bipartisanship, I have for-
Tax Cut Repeal Passes House Congress has the prerogative, like reauthorizing the PATRIOT Act. warded to the White House a half dozen names that would be accept-
“It’ll never even come up,” one House leadership source said. “The able to the Democrat majority. But the President stubbornly insists on
Washington—Fresh back from their Patriot Act is dead.” going his own way.” (Continued on page 7)
August recess, Democrat majorities on There are other symbolic victories that Murtha pointed to.
Capitol Hill yesterday followed For example, Harry Reid followed up on his 2006 comments that GETTY IMAGES

through on one of their major election force was not an option in Iran by introducing a Sense of the Senate
year promises: passing legislation to measure that the United States would not take any offensive military
roll back President Bush’s tax cuts. action against the Iranian government.
The final tax hike, which the “That kind of thing makes a difference,” foreign policy expert Matt
White House says amounts to $2.4 McKay said. “It doesn’t have the force of law, but it sends a message
trillion and will raise taxes on every around the world about our intentions, and what we will and won’t do.”
American taxpayer, was passed on In addition, House leaders have promised hearings on a wide array
party line votes in both chambers. of issues, including scaling back interrogation techniques used against
“We need this money to pay for all accused terrorists.
sorts of vital national interests,” said “These harsh methods to force them to talk is not what we should
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at be about,” one Democrat staff source said. “Whatever happened to
a press conference immediately after good old-fashioned interrogation methods that we’ve used for years
the Senate passed the bill. “We in against common criminals, like good cop/bad cop?”
Washington have a responsibility to Republicans have protested that the Democrat policies are endan-
take care of the American people, and gering American security, but Murtha dismissed the complaints.
after six years, we are finally making “Elections have consequences,” the Majority Leader said.
sure that we have the resources to live The Supreme Court is still a Supreme short
up to that responsibility.”
(Continued on page 8)

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
September 7, 2007
ECIAL SECTIO www. AmericaWeakly.com
SP

N
S
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It’s been eight months since Vote for your favorite


Democrats took control of
Dem leader at
Congress. Now it’s your chance
to tell us what you think of their www.AmericaWeakly.com
tenure. Who’s done the most to FOR YOUR Vote by September 24, 2007
make sure Americans are paying and the winning Democrat
their fair share in taxes? Who’s
working the hardest to pull out
of Iraq? Who’s doing everything
FAVORITE Leader will be presented with
a Special Commemorative
he or she can to block the
President’s agenda? DEM LEADER! Plaque to proudly display in
their office.

FOLIO/HARRITY

FOLIO/BRACK
The Man Who Restore

GETTY IMAGES
Should Be the Roar
President DNC Chairman
Howard Dean
Senate Small Business
Committee Chairman “I hate the Republicans and every-
thing they stand for …”
John Kerry — January 29, 2005
“I actually did vote for the $87 “[I]t’s time to have somebody in
billion before I voted against it.” the White House who can chew
—March 16, 2004 gum and think at the same
time.”— October 23, 2005

Kerry Clinton Dean


GETTY IMAGES

AP/WIDEWORLD
Leader in From the Reid Reigns
Withdrawal White House Senate Majority Leader
Harry Reid
House Majority Leader
John Murtha
to the “We killed the PATRIOT Act.”

"Our troops have become the White House — December 17, 2005
“President Bush will get
enemy.”— November 18, 2005 Senator
nothing done that he wants…
“We can go to Okinawa…When I say Hillary Rodham Clinton I think this guy is a loser.”
a timely response, you know, our “We’re going to take things away — May 7, 2005
fighters can fly from Okinawa very from you on behalf of the common
quickly.”—June 18, 2006 good.”— June 28, 2004
“[The House Of Representatives]
has been run like a plantation, and
you know what I’m talking about.”
Murtha — January 16, 2006 Reid
AP/WIDEWORLD

GETTY IMAGES

AP/WIDEWORLD
Investigation Impeachment
Central Czar
House Government Reform House Judiciary
Committee Chairman Committee Chairman
Henry Waxman John Conyers
In 2006, called for investigations of Introduced Resolution calling for
the Bush Administration relating to impeachment of President Bush
15 issues, from terrorist detainees in 2005.
and Hurricane Katrina to federal Filed Amicus Briefs in two federal
tobacco policy and then-retired courts in May 2006 to stop
Attorney General John Ashcroft. the NSA’s Terrorist Surveillance
Program.

Waxman Levin Conyers


Liberal Lion
FOLIO/BRACK

FOLIO/BRACK

San Francisco Levin’ Iraq


Speaker Senate Armed Services
Committee Chairman
Senate Health, Education, Labor
and Pensions (HELP) Committee
Speaker of the House Carl Levin Chairman
Nancy Pelosi “[T]here is no chance of them Ted Kennedy
“And I pride myself in being called solving the insurgency problem. Ranked by the nonpartisan
a ‘liberal,’ so I’m not dodging That’s our military people telling National Journal as the most liber-
that word.”— November 17, 2002 us that.”— December 26, 2006 al Senator in 2005.
“I don’t really consider ourselves “[T]he Administration needs to “America’s goal [in Iraq] should
at war.”— May 6, 2002 adopt as its goal the phased be to complete our military with-
withdrawal in 2006.” drawal as early as possible in
— November 15, 2005 2006.”— January 27, 2005
AP/WIDEWORLD

Pelosi Kennedy

Leahy
Standing Pat
Judiciary Chairman
Pat Leahy
Voted to filibuster Justice Sam Alito.
Blocked 10 appellate court judicial
nominees in between 2003 and
2005 with a total of 22 filibusters.

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. However, the dated quotes and votes cited on this page are true and accurate.
Paid for by the Republican National Committee, 310 First St S.E. Washington, D.C. 20003 Not authorized by any candidate or candidate committee.
6 www.AmericaWeakly.com September 7, 2007

OPINION AND COMMENTARY


Guest Opinion
We’re Back! A Trial Lawyer Speaks Out
by Samuel L. Billings III, esq.
Yesterday’s Gone
Aside from an aggressively conservative Supreme Court and a stampede of
The early 1960s standard “What a Difference a Day Makes” comes to mind when taking stock of what the Bush-appointed right-wing judges in our federal judiciary, things are looking up
Democrats have accomplished during the first eight months of 2007. A lover’s confession, the song speaks of for the American judicial system. The legislative assaults on Lady Justice have
stormy skies and blue moods but then goes on to proclaim, “What a difference a day makes, twenty four little temporarily subsided and our beloved tort system can rest a little easier. Yes, my
hours…and the difference is you.” Here in Washington, as lawmakers come back from their Summer recess, we friends, Democrats have taken back the Congress and your friendly neighbor-
salute the Democrat-led Congress for the work they’ve done and the difference they’re making every day on hood trial lawyers are back in business.
behalf of real Americans.
The Republican rule in Congress was defined by their unremitting attacks on
Last summer, no one was sure that the Democrats had what it takes to overcome the Republicans and take victims of wrongdoing. When a thoughtless restaurant packs their food full of
control of Congress. Yet, here we are observing their handiwork: Stopping the President from installing another delicious, fatty, unhealthy additives and then has the audacity to fry it—
right-wing conservative to replace John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court; debunking the notion that tax cuts Republicans told the consumer of the food that it was their own gluttonous fault
are good and spreading the idea that less in your pocket can mean more in your heart; getting government over- for gaining weight. When a women sues a railroad after getting hit by a train
sight back into the doctor-patient relationship; mending fences with the United Nations; expanding firearms while walking on the tracks, or a student sues to end summer homework, the
restrictions; getting closer to pulling the plug on Iraq; and finally seeing impeachment proceedings against Republicans tried to blame the victims. The Republicans liked to call it ‘personal
President Bush begin in the House Judiciary Committee. responsibility,’ but we knew better. Is it your own fault that manufacturers are
adding trans-fats to chocolate sandwich cookies? Is it fair that your boy didn’t
It goes without saying that there are still significant legislative and political obstacles ahead, given the Democrats’ make the varsity football team? Is it right that, after years in the same job, you
slim majorities in the House and Senate and the fact that a Republican still occupies the White House. We cannot get passed over for promotion time and time again? Republicans might say that
yet overcome a Bush veto, and that has slowed some of our progress. But there’s a real sense that things are these problems don’t belong in the courts. But now that the Democrats are back
changing for everyday American families. There’s a tangible optimism out there that’s been largely lacking for in power, America’s trial lawyers will once again be able to seek justice for all of
the better part of 12 years. If you go out beyond the Beltway and talk to typical people in places like Berkeley, these victims.
Santa Fe, Burlington and Northampton, there’s a feeling that America is coming back. There’s a feeling that
America is starting to heal and this in itself is as important as the progress we’ve seen in Washington over the
past eight months.
“[Y]our friendly Is it greed to want to help these people?
I’ve won settlements for huge groups. I’ve

Of course there are some on the left who feel that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi aren’t fighting hard enough for
neighborhood trial won malpractice suits so big that whole
medical clinics have been put out of busi-
real Democrat principles, and at times we’ve shared this frustration. Eric Smith, the Executive Director of the lawyers are ness. I’ve won car accident torts that led to
Campaign for Renewed and United Democrats, captured this sentiment recently right here in the Weakly when he whole towns having to put up new traffic
remarked, “We’ve made progress, but are we really being truly progressive? There needs to be a progressive par- back in business.” lights and widen their streets. I’ve won
adigm shift where real questions are asked. How much should taxes be increased? How can we best spend those workplace injury decisions that forced
taxpayer dollars? Why do the insurgents and freedom fighters of the Middle East dislike America so much, and is entire factories to redesign their floors. The Republicans say that this raises taxes
our presence in the Middle East an impediment to peace and global progress?” Our counsel to Eric and others and puts people out of work. But each one of those wins was like realizing you
who share his sentiment is not to fret. We’ll get there. For the moment, just sit back and take heart that the USS had the winning multi-million dollar lottery ticket—and doesn’t that make it
America is back on course. worth it?

In one important way, progressive grassroots activists and Democrat leaders are on the same page: they know that The Democrat majorities know that attorney fees and frequent case dismissals
this ship won’t truly arrive in port until a Democrat once again resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Which are red herring arguments when the real issue is the huge settlements that we
leads us to ponder a different song as we peer ahead to a cold January night a little less than a year and a half in know how to secure. Today’s Democrat leaders are champions for our cause and
the future. In the first second that you hear the opening guitar and piano chords, you’ll recognize this one. It’s a they are putting big business, doctors and other negligent parties on notice: the
song about redemption and the future. In a nutshell, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Yesterday’s gone, yes- free ride is over, and it’s time to pay up!
terday’s gone.
Speaking of which, if you have ever experienced a workplace injury or suspect
you have been the victim of medical malpractice, call me at 555-863-8000.

Letters
To the editor: on the President’s illegal war in momentum in the so-called ‘War To the editor: because of their weak-willed policy
I would like to publicly congratulate Iraq. on Terror.’ Though we are happy to see the agenda. We voted for them because
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and all of In fact, it looks like so much fun that But some of us no better. People Democrats’ ascension, we—like so we were angry at the Republicans,
the other Democrat leaders for the I might try to get back into politics! like Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore, many who voted for the new majority and the Democrats were the only
great job they have done in the eight Congratulations again to the the Dixie Chicks—these are people last November—are disappointed ones who could stop them. And the
months since taking over the House Democrat majority, and here’s to the who had the braveness to speak up, to with their apparent timidity on so Democrats had better remember—it’s
and Senate. next year and a half of acting as a tell the truth about this corrupt many issues. because of people like us that they’re
Thanks to a great and patriotic brake on the Republican Party. Republican Party and the wrst For example, yes, impeachment in power. If they don’t keep us happy,
American named Jim Jeffords, I Sincerely, President in history. It’s like when the proceedings for the President are they may very well find themselves
served as Senate Majority leader for a Tom Daschle brave men and women of the left moving forward. But what about back on the losing side.
year and a half, and I learned during Former United States Senator stood up during the Charlie Cheney and Rumsfeld, and the rest of Sincerely,
that time how important it is for McCarthy scare back in the 1930s. the cabinet? No member of this crim- The Hampshire College Faculty
Democrats to be in the majority if we To the editor: We have a great alley in America inal enterprise should go unpunished. Association
want to really have the power to turn America Weakly is leading the charge! Weakly, and with your help, we will And yes, defunding the NSA was
back the President’s agenda. So much of the write-wing press march forward. Last November’s an important first step, but what about
Now we have that power, and I has tried to poison the well for our Democrat victoriousness was only disbanding the Department of Submit letters to the editor and op-eds
am glad to see that we are using it, new Democrat Majority. Fox News, the first step. Next year: the White Homeland Security and the CIA once to America Weakly, 310 First St. SE,
in issues as far ranging as making Rush Limbaugh, The Washington House! and for all? The injustices visited Washington, DC 20003, or via our
more Americans pay their share Post—all they can talk about taxes Sincerely, upon so many demand it. web site at www.AmericaWeakly.com,
of taxes to turning the lights out going up on the rich, and lossing Barbra Streisand We didn’t vote for Democrats or call us at 800-714-6788

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
September 7, 2007 www.AmericaWeakly.com 7

DIVERSIONS
Weakly Jumble!
1 DNC doc and author of the 50 state strategy
The Jumble Answer: Horoscope
What are we celebrating in this issue of Aries Your wallet will get lighter and lighter, as more and more
America Weakly? Republican tax cuts expire.
2 “Bye” to John Kerry
Leo Your conversations with terrorists will be free and clear of
any government wiretapping.
3 First order of business to get back at W Sagittarius Summer cold season is approaching, but don’t worry!
The government will soon be taking charge of your health care.
4 Multinational force set to command our troops Taurus Your summers will get warmer and warmer as your once
landlocked lot will become oceanfront property. Just ask Al Gore.
Virgo Beware of experiencing too much prosperity and wealth;
5 We’d rather depend on other nations for it than drill for it at home it may result in more burden and commitment to Uncle Sam.
Answers Capricorn The road ahead of you is clear; unless you’re driving,
6 Harry Reid’s preferred boxing match seat location in which case you’ll face higher gas prices and taxes.
Jumble Answer: Dems in Charge Gemini A new job or promotion is in your future. If you’re a judge
12 War On Terror appointed by President Bush, however, it might take a while.
7 Speaker from San Fran
11 Big Government Libra Your favorite television show will be routinely interrupted
10 Iraq this month by updates on the Democrats' impeachment hearings
8 They’re being made to pay their fair share in taxes of President Bush.
9 Patriot Act
8 The Rich Aquarius Feeling Ill? No worries, the government bureaucrats
9 Reid gloated we “killed” it will make all of your difficult medical decisions for you!
7 Nancy Pelosi
Cancer Luck is in the air: you will find yourself slightly richer.
6 Ringside On the down side, it will be because you were part of a
10 Location of unnecessary war 5 Oil major class-action that put your employer out of business.
4 United Nations Better make that $38.42 last!
11 The best solution for society’s problems 3 Impeachment Scorpio Significant life ceremonies are in store, but you will
not have to worry about any prayers being a part of them.
2 Adieu
Pisces Are you feeling hot and cold, happy and sad, angry and
12 It’s best fought here at home, or Okinawa 1 Howard Dean
content? The Democratic Party joins you in your indecision.

have changed. We’re holding a few Committee aide. “He should just judges have recognized over the “It’s about time,” Judy Smith-
Supremes Still Stuck cards of our own now.” count himself lucky we weren’t in the years,” Neas said. “If we have to Walker, a New York graphic designer
(Continued from page 3) Former Solicitor General Ted position we’re in now two years ago, leave that seat empty until we elect a said. “Go into any coffee shop here
The then-86-year-old Stevens announced Olson warned of the importance not or some of those conservatives might Democrat President, that’s exactly and you’ll hear people saying the
his retirement shortly after the 2006 only of filling the ninth seat on the not be there, either.” what we’ll do.” same thing: we finally feel like the
elections, in which Democrats won high court, but of restarting the con- Ralph Neas, President of People Until then, or until the President government is one we can under-
both the House and the Senate. He offi- firmation process for lower courts, for the American Way, doesn’t see the and the Senate can come to an agree- stand.”
cially left the Court on January 1, which has also stalled. urgency. ment, the Supreme Court will continue Stefan, a 28-year-old full time stu-
2007. The President’s first nominee to Democrats, however, question “The American people spoke last to operate shorthanded. dent in San Francisco, agrees, adding
replace him never was granted a com- Olson’s motives. November, and they said they don’t To read more, go to that he feels that the Democrats’ pri-
mittee hearing, and withdrew her name “He just wants another hard right want justices whose radical interpre- www.AmericaWeakly.com. orities more closely match most
from consideration. A month later, winger up there to vote with the rest tation of the Constitution doesn’t Americans. “Ask around,” he said.
his second nominee was given a hear- of the conservatives,” a top Judiciary include so many of the new rights that “No one here is talking about a so-
ing, and voted down in committee by called War on Terror or how many
a unanimous Democrat majority. Dems in Charge dividends corporate America can
Since then, there has been a dead- (Continued from page 2) show. We want Washington dealing
lock. The President will not budge. SUPREME DEADLOCK The Democrats have been stymied as with real issues, like stopping animal
He continues to insist that nominat- Since the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens, the Supreme well on their attempts to close the testing, or ending the Cuba embargo,
ing a justice is his prerogative, and Court has deadlocked on many important cases. Here is a sampling Guantanamo Bay terrorist prison or finally passing a good, Canadian-
the role of the Senate is in the confir- of 4-4 decisions (in which the lower court decision automatically facility, and to revisit the Kyoto Treaty style health care system.”
mation process. In addition, the stands). provisions. Single-payer health care hasn’t
President often repeats that he will Holmes vs. Consolidated School District of Rochester: Lower Some Democrats, however, are not come up yet (though Health
insist on judges who, as he puts it, court ruled that any kind of prayer—even nondenominational— concerned with legislative setbacks. Subcommittee Chairman Pete Stark
‘interpret the law, not legislate from at a school graduation ceremony infringed upon the first amend- “Sure, it might be nice if we is rumored to be working on a bill),
the bench.’ ment rights of any atheists participating, viewing, or in hearing passed some of our own bills,” one but it is clear that many Americans
Republicans have attacked the distance of the ceremony. Democrat leadership aide said. “But now believe that anything is possible.
Democrat members of the Senate John Smith vs. United States: Lower court ruled that the Pledge legislative achievement isn’t what The mood in the country has changed.
Judiciary Committee, who have nick- of Allegiance “unfairly asks those living in America to state their we’re after. Stopping the President is “The last six years have been so
named themselves “The Caravan of loyalty to America, a clear violation of the First Amendment.” what we’re after—and we’re doing it.” horrible,” aspiring Hollywood
Courage.” Jones et al vs. Vermont: Lower court affirmed states’ rights to The reality is that despite some screenwriter Rex Star told us. “All
But Democrats don’t believe that take private lands in order to protect species (even those not cur- setbacks, the entire political land- Washington could talk about was ter-
they deserve any share of the blame rently listed as endangered)—in this case, a newly-discovered scape has changed. America is radi- rorism and homeland security. Now
for the situation. breed of insect, the Northern Biting Fly. cally different than it was just eight we don’t talk about those things any
“It’s not our job to come to him,” months ago. And even outside of more, and so the country is happier.
Leahy said. “We’re the majority now. Washington, regular Americans are Any writer will tell you: depressing
He needs to recognize that the rules sitting up and taking notice. doesn’t sell.”

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
8 www.AmericaWeakly.com September 7, 2007

GETTY IMAGES
o o r ay Washington Daybook: September 7, 2007
H for Major Events Committee hearing entitled, “Un- in 2003; Why the U.S. Should Have
House Speaker Pelosi, Senate Majority doing Tax Cuts.” Listened to the World.”

! Leader Reid, House Majority Leader


Murtha headline a press conference to
discuss the Democrat Majority’s
accomplishments blocking President
2:00 p.m. House Government
Reform Committee hearing entitled,
“Keeping the Country as Safe as the
Capital: Expanding the DC Gun Ban
Off-the-Hill Events
10:00 a.m. The Brookings Institute
holds a seminar entitled, “Whose
Bush’s security agenda. Senate Tri- to the States.” Congress is It After All: Competing
It’s the end of the summer, and all eyes are turned to Washington as our angle, 10:00 a.m. 4:00 p.m. Democrat moneyman Agendas in the Democrat Majority.”
favorite celebs arrive to support the returning Dem majorities… George Soros testifies before the 10:00 a.m. The Progressive
We hear that Rob Reiner was seen visiting members of the California Today’s Investigations: Senate Commerce Committee on the Institute holds a seminar entitled,
delegation in the U.S. House, maybe laying the groundwork for that long- 9:00 a.m. Day two of House art of international investment. “It’s Our Congress: How to Continue
awaited run for public office? Reiner, last heard in June 2006 saying “We Judiciary Committee Hearings on 5:00 p.m. Small Business Shaping a Progressive Agenda for the
are going to fight for progressive causes,” is a favorite of California Dems Presidential Impeachment. Testi- Committee Chairman John Kerry Democrat Majority.”
after having helped bankroll the unfortunately unsuccessful 2006 ballot mony on President Bush’s Saudi con- explores how more government 10:00 a.m. The Blue-Dog
initiative to spend $2.4 billion on pre-schools… nections is expected. investment and oversight—and less Coalition holds a seminar entitled,
Sighted! Michael Moore at a series of soirees held throughout the 2:00 p.m. House Government wasteful tax cuts—will help small “It’s Our Congress, Too: How to
week celebrating the accomplishments of the Dem majority. America Reform Committee Chairman Henry businesses thrive. Work for a Moderate Agenda for the
Weakly’s favorite documentarian went from party to party, reputedly Waxman continues his “12 Investi- Democrat Majority.”
enjoying some of the best seafood, steak and desserts to be had in DC… gations in 12 Months” tour with the Member Events: 2:00 p.m. MoveOn.org holds a
Moby is mobilizing once again on behalf of PETA. The vegan rocker 9th hearing, “Secrecy And Decep- 1:00 p.m. Senator Barbara Boxer (D- press conference to release its report
and longtime supporter of the animal rights group was on Capitol Hill tion: Did Karl Rove Secretly Hide al- CA) and Congressman Dennis “Two Impeachments, One New
last week, presumably to push for more and stronger laws to protect all Zarqawi and Saddam Hussein for Kucinich (D-OH) appear with for- America: How Nancy Pelosi Can Be
of the critters on the planet. PETA’s influence in DC has increased Political Gain?” mer University of Colorado professor in the White House in 90 Days.”
tremendously since the Dem takeover—they’ve come a long way since Ward Churchill for a roundtable dis- 4:00 p.m. ACLU holds a sympo-
having to apologize in 2003 for comparing animal suffering to the Committee Hearings: cussion with students entitled, sium: “A Government Without God:
Holocaust… 9:00 a.m. The Senate Health, “Who’s the Terrorist?” How Democrats Are Taking Action to
Baldwin Watch! As our regular readers know, activist and thespian Education, Labor and Pensions 1:30 p.m. Senator Hillary Clinton Enforce the First Amendment.”
Alec Baldwin was the original inspiration for America Weakly’s Hooray Committee markup of Chairman Ted speaks to the American Medical
for Hollywood column. Well, we caught up with our favorite celeb and Kennedy’s legislation entitled, “Leave Association on “The Healthcare that Political Events:
asked him how he was celebrating the first eight months of Democrat Education For Teachers” or LEFT America Deserves: Rethinking Our 7:00 p.m. Democrat National Com-
control of Congress. He said “I’m just working hard—we still have to get ACT of 2007. The legislation calls for Aversion to Single-Payer Systems.” mittee Chairman Howard Dean holds a
the White House back, and I’m going to make sure Hollywood plays a role “The complete repeal of unfair and 4:00 p.m. The French Ambassador seminar at Yale entitled, “Dragging
in that campaign.” We know you will, Alec, and that’s why we love you. unreachable standards for student and Senate Foreign Relations Democrats to Victory: How the 50-
achievement in No Child Left Behind.” Chairman Joe Biden hold a joint State Strategy Delivered Congress.”
10:30 a.m. House Ways and Means press conference on “Mistakes Made

“For years we have watched the Democrats of being tied to special example, I proposed free rabies shots President Bush has promised to
IMPEACHMENT Republican majorities allow the interests. “Once again the Democrats for Vermont cats while I was governor. veto any tax increases, which
(Continued from page 3) President to get away with whatever have bowed to the pressure of That was a vital public health issue, Democrats say points to the need for
He added, “I hope they go after he wants. It is about time he was held Hollywood liberal interest groups,” and I think we should look to expand a Democrat victory in 2008.
[Vice President Dick] Cheney and responsible,” Dean said he said. that program on a national level.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
[Secretary of Defense Donald] House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D- Democrats, however, are unbowed. The legislation would roll back (D-CA) said, “Election ’08 is shaping
Rumsfeld next. If we do this right, we CA) and Senate Majority Leader “Elections have consequences,” marriage penalty relief, the increase up to be one of the most important in
can remove the whole cabal and be Harry Reid (D-NV) continue to be Conyers said. “The Democrat Party was in the child tax credit, and the divi- our lifetimes. I will do everything in
swearing Nancy Pelosi in to serve unavailable for comment. elected for a reason. If Republicans dend and capital gains tax cuts. my power to elect more Democrats
out the remainder of Bush’s term.” Some Republicans have ques- had won, impeachment would remain Each of the income tax brackets next year. The American people
To many members of Congress, tioned the timing of the hearings and nothing more than a daydream. But would increase, including a 50 percent spoke last November, but President
the hearings represent promises kept. wondered if they were payback to this is no dream—it’s a nightmare for increase in the current 10 percent bracket. Bush is ignoring them by threatening
In 2005, Judiciary committee party activists for helping the Demo- the Bush Administration and the House Ways and Means Committee to veto vital economic legislation. It
member Jerry Nadler (D-NY) said, crats regain the majority. Before the Republicans, because they didn’t Chairman Charlie Rangel (D-NY), is unacceptable.”
“If we had an honest Congress, we’d November elections, more than 10 win, and my committee will move who as far back as 1986 maintained Get America Weakly video at
be considering impeachment.” Today, Democrat state parties had passed forward to impeach this President.” that tax bills that do not raise revenues www.AmericaWeakly.com.
he told America Weakly, “I am thrilled resolutions calling for President Bush do nothing for the economy, dismissed
to say we finally have an honest to be impeached and many groups criticisms of the Democrat tax bill.
Congress. The American people aligned with the Democrat Party— At a town hall meeting with fellow
knew exactly what they were voting like MoveOn.org—have long sup- PROMISE KEPT New York legislators, Rangel said,
for last November. We told them that ported impeaching the President. (Continued from page 3) “It’s only going to be about $100
if we won, we would move forward For some, this is just the first step. In a statement, DNC Chairman from each paycheck, give or take. Paid for by the
and make this President accountable. “Justice won’t truly be served until Howard Dean said, “I am proud the Pretty soon, no one will even notice.” Republican National
Today, we’re keeping that promise.” George W. Bush is tried by the House and Senate have passed the “We don’t want to raise taxes on
Committee, 310 First St
Democrat National Committee International Criminal Court at the tax plan I proposed while running everybody,” one Democrat aide said.
Chairman Howard Dean, now men- Hague for war crimes,” a MoveOn for President. The Republican tax “But some adjustments are more than S.E. Washington, D.C.
tioned prominently as a presidential spokesman said. cuts were absurd then and they are overdue. For example, married couples 20003 Not authorized
candidate after successfully leading Minority Leader Dennis Hastert absurd now.” making more than $80,000 a year
Democrats back to the majority in (R-IL) called the hearings the “most Dean, widely considered a presi- with three or more kids, at least two by any candidate or
Congress, has been enthusiastically ridiculous” thing he has seen in dential candidate, had some sugges- pets, a part-time gardener and a com- candidate committee.
promoting the hearings at appear- Congress and vowed to fight the tions for the use of the new federal mute of not less than 5 miles but not
ances across the country, from Iowa Democrats. funds. “There are some areas in which more than 7.5—those people need to
to New Hampshire. Rep. Sensenbrenner accused the we can and should be doing more. For pay their fair share.”

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.