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MANAGING EDITOR Businge Abid Weere (+256791032469) EDITOR AT LARGE Brian B Coutinho (+256772888183) MARKETING MANAGER Roger (+256791 913513) Jason(+256712815895) SPORTS EDITOR kabanza John Lumumba ECONOMIC EDITOR Rafayili Kayigwa LAYOUT & DESIGN I.Dea media (DESIGN PRINT ART & WEB) Nsobya Sulaiman (+256772667466) POETRY EDITOR Talkative rocker

t’s the end of one year and the beginning of yet another. Every year has its own drama and 2013 was not any different. The biggest story this year was without a doubt the celebration of Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela and his legacy. The Pope also tried to steal some thunder as he tries to transform the centuries stained image of the church. Disasters , natural and manmade were trending throughout the year . Our solidarity with Kenya. But there was fun ; Miley Cyrus revealing her dark side <pun intending>, the royal baby , the will-they – will-they-not relationship of Erias and Jenniffer in their KCCA mansion, the viral harlem shake dance , video games outselling movies, and good music to lift our spirits up. To you dear reader, hope you had a great year, wish you a wonderful holiday season and an even greater 2014 Businge Abid Weere Managing Editor

Editor’s word

+256 772 667466/ 791 876225 . .

Nelson Mandela Quotes

your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.” “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” It is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.” “For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” “After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.” “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with

If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires. I detest racialism, because I regard it as a barbaric thing, whether it comes from a black man or a white man. If the United States of America or Britain is having elections, they don't ask for observers from Africa or from Asia. But when we have elections, they want observers. A good leader can engage in a debate frankly and thoroughly, knowing that at the end he and the other side must be closer, and thus emerge stronger. You don't have that idea when you are arrogant, superficial, and uninformed. Where globalization means, as it so often does, that the rich and powerful now have new means to further enrich and empower themselves at the cost of the poorer and weaker, we have a responsibility to protest in the name of universal freedom.

I did not enjoy the violence of boxing so much as the science of it. I was intrigued by how one moved one's body to protect oneself, how one used a strategy both to attack and retreat, how one paced oneself over a match. In its proper meaning equality before the law means the right to participate in the making of the laws by which one is governed, a constitution which guarantees democratic rights to all sections of the population, the right to approach the court for protection or relief in the case of the violation of rights guaranteed in the constitution, and the right to take part in the administration of justice as judges, magistrates, attorneys-general, law advisers and similar positions.In the absence of these safeguards the phrase 'equality before the law', in so far as it is intended to apply to us, is meaningless and misleading. “If there is a country that has committed unspeakable atrocities in the world, it is the United States of America. They don’t care for human beings.” “The UN took a strong stand against apartheid; and over the years, an international consensus was built, which helped to bring an end to this iniquitous system. But we know too well that our freedom is incomplete without the freedom of the Palestinians.” "I like friends who have independent minds because they tend to make you see problems from all angles." "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." "Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." "A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination."

“Walter’s vision of an ANC that unites and constantly expands its support across South African society remains as valid today as is was at the time.”

Nelson Mandela’s Tribute to Walter Sisulu.

hamela (Walter Sisulu) is no more. May he live forever! His absence has carved a void. A part of me is gone. Our paths first intersected in 1941. During the past 62 years our lives have been intertwined. We shared the joy of living, and the pain. Together we shared ideas, forged common commitments. We walked side by side through the valley of death, nursing each other's bruises, holding each other up when our steps faltered. Together we savoured the taste of freedom. From the moment when we first met he has been my friend, my brother, my keeper, my comrade. His passing was not unexpected. We had long passed the age when either of us would protest against the brevity of life. At the end of the Rivonia trial in 1964, when we faced the prospect of the death sentence, we knew, we resolved to walk the plank, not protesting our innocence, but proclaiming the justness of our ideals and the certainty of their triumph. I know he planned to meet the hangman with a song on his lips. Yet a silence engulfs me, an emptiness creeps in my being. He would not want it that way. He would want me to exorcise this emptiness by looking back on our lives so that we may look ahead with greater resolve and optimism. By ancestry, I was born to rule. Xhamela helped me understand that my real vocation was to be a servant of the people. Sisulu and the Mandelas fought together against apartheid I was drawn inexorably into his circle of friends. We would gather at his Orlando home. His mother was always able to feed us, hordes of us. We nourished ourselves on our conversation - a pot of boiling ideas about freeing our people from bondage, about placing Africa on a pedestal. There was Anton Lembede, who held Master

of Arts and Bachelor of Laws degrees; a fiery personality espousing a militant African nationalism. There was Peter "AP" Mda with a keen analytical mind. Where Lembede was prone to heady, almost mystical flights of ideas, AP was sparing and judicious with words, a model of simplicity and clarity. There were Oliver Tambo with his sharply mathematical mind, Dr Lionel Majombozi, Victor Mbobo, William Nkomo a medical student, Jordan Ngubane a journalist, David Bopape and so many others. Out of that ferment of ideas and personalities was born the idea of the ANC Youth League (ANCYL). Whenever I cast my mind back I am struck by Xhamela's qualities. He had little formal education - he left school after standard four. But he was deep in that circle. His home was the centre of our being together. He held his own; he interacted with ease and without a trace of inferiority. He was attracted to each of us, yet he was the magnet that drew us all together. That was his hallmark: an ability to attract and work together with highly competent and talented young men, a ready sounding board for ideas. He was a powerful influence who exuded respect for their talents and a born diplomat. He was courageous and his quiet selfconfidence and clarity of vision marked him out as a leader among us. When we established the ANCYL in 1944 we elected Walter treasurer. When in 1949 we radicalised the ANC with the adoption of the militant Programme of Action, we elected Walter the Secretary General of the ANC. In 1952 when we planned and launched the defiance campaign during which almost 8,500 volunteers courted and went to prison, Walter, with Yusuf Cachalia, was the joint secretary of the National Action Council. When we founded Umkhonto WeSizwe in 1961, Walter was on the High Command.

However, he neither sought nor wielded his authority by virtue of office. He was ever ready to draw others into leadership. When he was banned by the apartheid regime from holding office in the ANC he smoothed the way for OR (Oliver Tambo) to take up the post as the Secretary General. He never asked of others what he was not prepared to do himself. Rivalry between organisations was to be expected in prison. Many among us prisoners were perceived to be leaders of one or other organisation. But all prisoners saw Xhamela as the leader of all of us, irrespective of the organisation one belonged to - a leader of the entire people. Since the birth of democracy many among us have travelled the world and received numerous awards acclaiming one's leadership. With or without any such awards Walter's status as a national leader is beyond challenge. When one lives as closely as Walter and I have it is easy to take each other for granted. I felt secure in the knowledge that he would be there for me. In a peasant society a person walking with a stout stick, a staff - no longer than an ordinary walking stick and lesser than a pole - is a common sight. One always has it around. It aids one to maintain a steady, firm gait. It is a crutch one leans on, helps you not to falter in your walk. It is also a weapon to help one defend oneself against any unforeseen danger that may arise in the journey. With it one feels secure and safe.

In a sense I feel cheated by Walter. If there be another life beyond this physical world I would have loved to be there first so that I would welcome him. Life has determined otherwise. I now know that when my times comes, Walter will be there to meet me, and I am almost certain he will hold out an enrolment form to register me into the ANC with that world,

Such was Xhamela to me. He was blessed with that quality that always saw the good in others, and therefore he was able to bring out the goodness. He had an inexhaustible capacity to listen to others, and therefore he was able to encourage others to explore ideas. Of course, there were moments when I found him vexing and frustrating. I grew into the idea of an ANCYL from a position of militant African nationalism. Our first objective was to radicalise the ANC, to shape it into militant leader of the African people mobilised into mass struggle. I have often told the anecdote about how the three of us - Xhamela, Oliver Tambo and I - went to a joint meeting determined to force the calling off of the joint Votes for All Campaign, which we felt had been preempted by the Community Party and thus undermined the leading role of the ANC. How Xhamela broke rank and supported the continuation of the campaign once Ismail Meer acknowledged our criticisms and appealed for the campaign to continue in the interests of the larger good. In recounting the story I always made Walter the butt of our jokes and told how OR and I walked on one pavement, leaving

Walter to walk alone on the other, as we headed for Park Station to make our way home. In the telling I make out that Walter broke ranks because Ismail flattered Walter once Walter wavered in the face of Ismail's ready acceptance of our criticisms. It is time to make amends, though Walter, without fail, endured my telling the anecdote with a chuckle and a sharp repartee. Xhamela shifted because he had an abiding idea of what the ANC should become. He firmly held to the view that the ANC should be uniting force of the African people. Only this would shape the platform for the ANC to claim the leadership and unite all the oppressed against the system of white minority rule. More than the flattery, it was Ismail's appeal not to allow mistakes be made in the launching of the campaign to confuse the people by calling off the campaign that found a resonance in Walter's core ideas. Today the ANC and through it the African people are able and required to set the tone and national agenda for our country. The real challenge is to formulate and present this in a way that unites all South Africans - black and white - to share and work together in the common objective of eradicating poverty and creating a prosperous, non-racist and non-sexist

South Africa. Walter's vision of an ANC that unites and constantly expands its support across South African society remains as valid today as is was at the time. There were also times when Xhamela and I crossed swords in the National Executive Committee of the ANC. At times the clashes were so sharp that some of the comrades were taken aback. Such incidents happened before we went to prison, while we were in prison and even after we came out of prison. We had grown up and lived in the strong culture of vigorous debate in the ANC. None of these sharp exchanges were allowed to harm our friendship and the bonds that held us in the ANC. In fact when we differed with each other or another comrade, we in the ANC would go out of our way to draw the one we differed with closer into the ANC. Walter, as Secretary General of the ANC went out of his way to cultivate such a culture of vigorous debate, free of any trace of vindictiveness. Despite the pain of struggle, Walter in his inimitable way would claim that life has been bounteous to him. First and foremost he would claim the gift of a lifelong partnership with his wife, Albertina, and their family. Living one's beliefs combined with a generosity of spirit are qualities that both Walter and Albertina

shared. It has made them a very special couple who have moved together in thought and action at all times. Because they as a couple were totally giving of themselves, they have at all times been secure in their relationship. Above all, he would claim the gift, the privilege, of having lived to see freedom reign in South Africa. In a sense I feel cheated by Walter. If there be another life beyond this physical world I would have loved to be there first so that I would welcome him. Life has determined otherwise. I now know that when my times comes, Walter will be there to meet me, and I am almost certain he will hold out an enrolment form to register me into the ANC with that world, cajoling me with one of his favourite songs we sang when mobilizing people behind the Freedom Charter:

Libhaliwe na iGama lakho kuloMqulu weNkululeko Vuma silibhale kuloMqulu weNkululeko (Has your name been enrolled in the struggle for freedom Permit us to register you in the struggle for freedom.)
I shall miss his friendship and counsel. Till we meet again, Hamba Kahle, Xhamela. Qhawe la ma Qhawe! (Go well, Rest in Peace, Xhamela. Hero among heroes.)

Ooooooohh someone's been watching scandal
......and .... they no likey.

while there were still there someone, Danish Prime Minister Helle ThorningSchmidt suggested a selfie.....

and them Cameron like some ka delinquent juvenile photobombs the thingie ....errr .... you know you are not mob when you have to photobomb people’s selfies nga you live at 10 Downing St.


Obama switches sits and pretends to be following attentively. Michelle sends a friendly warning to Danish Prime Minister . CANAVARO THIS SHIT!!

So it started bulungi, Prezzo, first lady whaaatt .... all being nice smiling... ati perusing the day's program.

5 4 7

Emboozi negwa amakerenda .... but someone errr she no like this joke. She no think it was funny. And she’s been watching scandal, she knows how this could end..... soooooo ..... watch what happens next.


But then a clever chic if you are, you seize the opportunity, right? Light bulb moment. Opportunity for you while first lady is those ends all looking somber and mbu mourning .... you go for the jugular.


by Hannington Induna Kasirye

The south african government should encourage more phone thefts.
The other thing you should know in South Africa is, defending your property is illegal. For example, when you are to put up an electric fence around your house, it is unconstitutional if you don’t warn the would-be thieves that there is danger and that they might be electrocuted. You have to do this in clearly marked instructions and it has to feature in all the black languages. Another interesting fact from this rainbow democracy is, according to the crime stats, 60% of police officers have criminal backgrounds while 40% of police drivers don’t have driving licences. And don’t be surprised that 10 in 10 of female officers have at least been raped once in their lifetime.


n South Africa, it’s unacceptable for one not to experience any sort of crime, whatsoever. While in Uganda, mosquito bites are a national pastime, in SA, crime is a natural talent.
I mean, I have lost 2 cars to thieves. And then my house was twice burgled by pubescent boys who took a play station and a mop. These insatiable restless youngsters proceeded to stab my neighbour accusing him of not having money. Then once my ixiTsonga girlfriend who I had taken out to dinner in Sunnypark Mall, and probably was not satisfied, went on to help herself with my fancy lugabire sandals and a kettle; all which I suspect she stuffed in her bra. The Lefties will probably argue that it’s because of poverty; something I rather believe is far too simplistic an excuse. You see thieves tend to render you to a feeling of being careless and dysfunctional yet true living is more meaningful when lived a little carelessly. As a matter of fact, some of the most interesting chaps I know don’t always wear condoms and are somehow not dead.

When I read about pensioners being slapped in the dentines for their coins and later fondled by 10-year old boys, I am like, it could have been worse. Let’s move on! Of course on the flip side, had I been cleverer than I am, I would contribute an abstract to the contemporary debates titled: “Smart Cellphones and not Unemployment are the Biggest Threat to any Democracy”. But because these days reading out such calibrated trash to bored attentive people somewhere in a big room with bright lights makes no real impact on humanity, I rather governments around the world to encourage phone theft. First, the business of smartphone manufacturing whose motto is “the more you buy the more you lose” is one of the So, there you are, with a toxic concoction of biggest tax contributors to the national a criminal police force to which the rest of law treasury. abiding citizens have to report at every time you For them to thrive, they have to sell as are a victim. many phones and one way is by replacing the stolen or blacklisted ones which still Now, last Friday evening while loitering in the end up in Zimbabwe, anyway. Pretoria CBD longing to sell my soul to any Another reason why the SA government adrenalin-induced plot that would come my way, should encourage phone theft is, the more I got mugged. crime there’s, the more demand you have In a split second, 3 young men surrounded me of police services, therefore translating and next my phone was gone. I actually begged into hundreds of jobs for the illiterate them to give it back but they kept gesturing to black people. me with some sign language that looked like a middle finger. Tied to the above, is the call centre Remember, in awake of an overwhelmed ANCemployment of hundreds of young focussed led government that is clueless on what to do graduates in telecommunitheft companies with swelling brigades of unemployed and hostile like MTN, who on top of tapping your sex youth; the only hope left for these idle, glue chat with your girlfriend; sell you airtime sniffing imbeciles, is in manufacturers of gadgets that doesn’t work, hand-over your personal like cellphones. data to government spooks disguising it as In fact it’s fair to say that Samsung, Blackberry sim card registration and swim sap oops and iPhone are indirectly employing many of sim swap as I found out the following day. these loony toonys. Then the army of Mac foundation sales Overtime, crime in SA has numbed me. girls who delay their upcoming township These days, I regard anyone who talks about rape by keeping busy bombarding you stuff like rape as a cry-baby and I usually tell with all the tech lingua you will never them get a life. understand and also interest you with all

ntral : e c r u o m Hu
sorts of garbage new phones and phone accessories there is on the market. A one Nosipho told me of the latest one on the market called Hawaii which is made in China. That it’s a miracle phone and that it does all sorts of tricks and that it’s even fat-free meaning it’s the slimmest on the market. I asked whether it had anti-theft or a car tracker and that’s when the whole deal collapsed. But after selling to me all sorts of phones that I later didn’t pay for, I walked away a little more knowledgeable than I was earlier, which in a way is also a plus to the government’s adult literacy campaign. For example, contrary to what I had all along thought, I finally learnt that the word Android is not a medical term for a disease of the scrotum but actually a type of operating system. Another thing I also learnt is that having an iPhone5 simply means a summation of all the previous 4. Another reason in favour of more phone thefts is the professional services rendered, ranging from psychologists who offer trauma counselling once your iPhone is gone to the undertakers who fold your body should you be stabbed to death. All these are jobs.

ring y gets at hom and star ts pou er ow sh e Mbu a boda gu th to e gets direct in anything, so h mbe.. lf. outing "munya sh se water on himse ou h e th e runs outsid 1min later he a to find the bod ly on " e be id m ts ya ou n u m o rush e neighbors wh this attracts th rs. guy naked. t e of the neighbo on ks as ? ke a shower bu g ta n to g n yi tr whats wro ,i am head. ts in my house not reach the s oe d it There are ghos f el ys r water on m ain. every time i pou the boda guy ag at MET. ok lo od go a move that HEL re , id p u st Neighbors take g in be y pissed] stop Neighbors: [ver

a s e k a t y u g a d o b A r nd 1am so tired to do showeeat arou

Lastly, th young ju e employment of all t ve hese of steali niles who do t he actu ng and a later se for a liv ll these l job ing. It phones ’ s them fo better r being than ar resting idle and up. locking them A perso nal joy of steali that yo ng a ph u tend one is to lose which in a ll your a way, contact is so re 640 an s lieving. d in all I had fairness bloody , I didn dam ’t give Many o n about 620 a of thos f them e. were of uninspir ing hum b ans who oring, had ear se numb lier save ers I d coz a suppose smart p d to st h o one is re the people whole 7 on the planet. billion Hee! he e! Cheers!

By Lindsey Kukunda


t’s been exactly six weeks since I was politely and lovingly handed my notice to vacate the premises of Sanyu FM as an employee. Particularly distraught, I fell hard off my No-Drinking wagon and found the stain of my failure still lingering in the seat of my pants. I drank a little more and eh! the thought of my termination letter was still indelibly etched in my brain. Defeated, I tossed back that tequila by golly, and ruminated upon this shocking development. I’ve never been fired before, you see. Well, I expected it that time at my other workplace when I confessed to all three of my bosses that I was the culprit who for a number of weeks had been using up all the Internet surfing pornography. I miss those bosses. Anyway. Anybody who follows the news should have put two and two together that a major shake-down was going down in my former place of employment. I just happened to be part of the collateral damage (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!).

And then I was Fired.
I took it particularly hard because it is a painful and traumatizing experience to be starting out in radio when your voice doesn’t sound like honey smothered in butter and sprinkled with lemon. Most presenters can just say ‘I want to urinate’ and it will sound lovely. Me? Longer hours of preparation were needed. Exhausting searches for content. Some kick-ass Chuck Norris back-room production. Collecting snippets of this artist talking, and snippets of that song’s original to keep the listener stimulated and entertained. Trying to be absolutely perfect. Because I knew that I didn’t have the voice to just say ‘I want to urinate’ and make it sound lovely. And then a producer friend who works at another radio station asked me to pop over and do a voice test. As usual, I went into overdrive. I prepared two different links in my head for the demo, and practiced them all day long for three days straight. I’d be in a taxi, and mutter them under my breath to make sure I had the intonations just right. Want an example? ‘It’s Radio Whatsit, 60 FM! I’m Lindsey and you’re tuned to the Boat Cruise where we play you the finest of the snazziest! Like this fellow right here who, sadly, gets more and more deaf every year but his music shall live on forever! It’s Phill Collins with ‘I can’t stop loving you’. We’re heading in for a break now and when we come back, we’ll be inspired by Nina Simone who’s letting us know that she sings because she knows what it means to be free. Let’s embrace freedom like she does-as we embrace the music-here on Radio Whatsit, 60 Fm!’ Armed with such artillery and feeling shaky as a leaf, I took myself to the radio station where I was told exactly what to say, and to forget about everything I had prepared. Drat! Afterward, the producer asked me if I wanted to listen to how I sounded and well…wonders never cease. People, I sounded good. There’s simply no other way to put it. Somewhere along the long dusty road, I’d nurtured a voice that sounded like honey smothered in butter and sprinkled with lemon. It all boiled down to confidence, experience, preparation, diction but most important of all-practice with a capital P. All that time I’d spent sweating at Sanyu, worrying about not quite measuring up, I’d also been getting better, and it showed when I listened to a playback of my work in the production room of that radio station. In the end then, I am happy and grateful. Grateful for all I learned, and also for a discovery of a new talent I never knew I had by way of production. I can produce the hell out of the end of the world, without a budget. Shall I continue to use these newly discovered talents? I don’t know. I’m not a gung-ho, pistol whipping enthusiast anymore when it comes to seeking employment. I may manage a restaurant, I may become an investigative journalist or I may design jewelry for others than myself. So to anybody out there who’s ever been fired-you are not alone. To anybody who’s worrying that they’re about to be firedyou may be right! To anybody who smells that they’re going to be fired and would like to preempt it and resign instead-that’s a jolly good idea. Wish I’d thought of it! But please know that your time was not wasted. You learned something, you lived a portion of your life and it was time to move on to something new. Or maybe you did waste your time, you loser. Shit happened and you fucked up. Like that time when I used up office Internet surfing porn. Doesn’t matter. Don’t fret. It’s all part of living on this planet. Good stories for our grandchildren and our blogs. Oh, and to the impertinent ingrate who told me that my NoDrinking wagon has no rails, a slippery deck and an oil spill. You were right.

Hello December!

A chance for the wardrobe change
Over the entire duration of the year, many people will not care too much for changing the outfits they own. These outfits will be worn, re-worn, out-worn and over-worn across the year. However when it comes to December, there will be a desire, almost an urgency to change the wardrobe. No one wants to be seen with the same clothes year after year and the best time to make the ultimate wardrobe change is December. During the stretch of this month you will see weird fashion styles creeping up and flying about. All this is an attempt to find the fashion styles that people will eventually settle for in the New Year. If you have been shy to try on those bright colored pants or strange hair style, now is your chance to go all out. This is a month of fashion testing. The threat of Obesity In terms of consumption of food, this is the month that holds records for most food consumed by otherwise sane people. People generally get into overdrive and eat almost twice as much as they have been eating in the past. Usually people want to close out the year in style and there are not too many ways better than eating oneself into the New Year. We will therefore see some people put on a few more pounds while others will totally explode out of their bodies and into some overly huge beings better known as fat people. If we have been starving all year long, it is partly because we have been saving so that we can eat ourselves to obesity in December. This is a month of eating.


ccording to the Gregorian calendar, December is the last month of the year which ideally means that it is a month of culmination, conclusion and climax. It is a time when people love to go through transformations, most of which are for the better. It is also a month when one can finally look back at the past dozen months and smile about their achievements or mourn over a wasted year. It is equally the month when people start to make plans for the New Year with a hope that there might be a raise, the landlord will be more patient, the ex partner will reconsider their exit and there will be fewer lost souls. Most of us have grown up thinking of December as the month for nothing but celebration, party and fun. This is partly due to the fact that it is the one time when everyone seems to shed off their vile and ugly character and momentarily wear a mask of good will and good cheer. It is a month of immense pretense and absolute acting. I therefore rise up, take off my hat and say Hello to the month of December.

birthdays in December are probably the luckiest people because they often get the most expensive presents because people are not worried about the damage the wallet will have or how much is left in the coffers. In the month of December the gods of generosity awake from their eleven-month slumber and infect everyone with extreme generosity. This is the month of generosity.

to celebrate the end of the year with their families. Those coming back to Uganda will particularly come home bearing strange accents, bizarre behavior, several fur winter coats and truckloads of money. They will ‘make it rain’ on the rest of us in the clubs, bars and hangout spots because, well, they will have worked all year long to earn those Benjamins. Some will have the nerve to ask if they can pay their bill at the local restaurant with dollars because apparently they are too lazy to make it to the Forex bureau and change their cash to shillings. This is a month of the summer syndrome.

Tis a Season to be Jolly
Quite naturally, many people will be looking forward to Christmas. It is almost as if the season officially starts on 1st December because the weeks leading up to Christmas are all set aside for shopping, making plans, shoving products into people’s faces, having events left right and center, and generally being in a merry and jolly mood. As the Christmas season draws closer, it can be said with fair certainty that most people will be looking forward to the joy and excitement that comes with the season. People will listen to less Mavado & Nicki Minaj as they will be busy listening to Christmas carols by Jim Reeves and Philly Lutaaya. People will even change their ringtones from Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon to Above All by Michael W. Smith. Written by Beewol

Extended Family Crowds
A good number of African families are extended families. In December, you will most likely be able to see a good chunk of the family in one place for once. During this month, the school holiday is a little longer than usual and this is so that you can have enough time to meet all those long lost brothers and sisters from other mothers and fathers. A man and his 4 wives and 29 children will all converge in one neighborhood to celebrate the fertility that Africa is blessed with. He may occasionally be heard cussing and wondering why he has so many little younglings with his last name but this does not mean he will deny them. He will proudly announce to everyone that he is breeding a farm of little ones. This is the month of the extended family.

The Spirit of Generosity
December is the one month when many people are willing givers. Across the stretch of the eleven months preceding December, it will be a cold day in hell before someone offers you a slice of bread even though you are starving. They will either demand something in return or just look you in face and give you a straight NO! In the month of December, the trend changes drastically. People are more generous, friends are more welcoming, banks give out more loans and everyone is generally just busy giving things out. People who have

Summer Syndrome

People from all around the world will be travelling back to their home countries

The Christmas
By Ernest Bazanye.


hat do you want for Christmas was being discussed at the back of the pickup. A hilux doluble cabin that had been specially customized for this journey. This was their feat of engineering: a set of old tyres had been placed on the pickup’s bed and a sofa had been placed on top of these. The tyres absorbed the shakes from the road. On the sofa two men sat, smug and proud of their ingenuity. They were not worried about rain on the journey because it never rained on Christmas. On the topic at hand, that is, what each would want for Christmas, the leaner one replied, “Maria.” He said it again after a pause.” I think I will get Maria back.” “Why?” asked his paunchier friend in the attitude of one who did not believe a satisfactory ansnwer to the question was even possible. “Because she’s an idiot?” “She will take me back because she is an idiot. But I want her back…I want her back, because, in spite of everything, she is better than this, this hole of wind, this what is left without her. Maybe I hate her, but maybe that is what love is. Someone you can’t live without because life without them is so much worse.” The Hilux picked up speed as the journey broke free of the city. Long flat empty road. They sped and the wind grew loud. Too loud for conversation. When there was a corner the two men found their shoulders thrown left or right. There was a childish thrill in being tossed about like this. “We nee’ some winjex.We gonna nee’ some winjex for i’” Sanjay had said, jutting his chin out the large window of the restaurant. The window looked out at the parking lot. The window looked in at the restaurant. Sanjay just looked at the

window. At his shoulder, Maria smiled a very small, tight, perfunctory smile. She had once been enthralled by the magical way letters just vanished from his lips when he talked. Then she was amused. Now she just listened and let her mind fill in the blanks. “Are you sure we can’t just use Axion?” she asked. There was plenty of Axion in the kitchen. “No way, no bleedin’ way. I’ will rui’ the whole winjow, now won’ i’? Make a whole bloojy mess of i’!” Maria looked again at the window and the problem at hand. Six small “silhouettes” of frosty white: the shapes of a Santa on a sleigh, a fir tree (a simple fir tree with a circle on the tip of each branch), a knotted ribbon that bound a pair of leaves to two more circles which she tried not to think of lewdly, though that had been impossible since Chef had mentioned that they might be what Sanjay’s testicles looked like, and finally a snowman who, instead of eyes, had two round blanks in the white frosting through which the glass was clear. You could see through his eyes. The rest of the Christmas decorations had been torn down with ease. A long stick with a nail jutting out from one end gathered the dangles of tinsel and lights off the wall. They were rolled into a neat spiral that fit in a box which in turn fit neatly in the bottom of Sanjay’s Prado. The tree had been manufactured by people with a full sense of the future, so it had

a switch that caused the leaves to retract into themselves in one motion, leaving a frizzy pole that could be wrapped into a tarpaulin tube, purchased along with the tree, and this also fit neatly in the Prado. It was the frosty shapes on the window which posed the first challenge. They would not wipe off easily with a rug and water and Sanjay was too fussy about his window to risk smudges and smears on it by using dish washing paste from the kitchen. It would make his evenings agony. He would imagine that every customer under the window was cursing his name, that every word they were speaking that he didn’t understand—he didn’t know any Ugandan languages— would mean “filthy”. So he tapped his iPhone, swiped and swiped and soon was speaking to his cousin in Leeds. It was then that he got the advice he transmitted as instructions to Maria. “Ya can ge’ rijjov I’ usin’ winjex. Only way to gi’ the bloomin stuff off ya winjows.” Maria nodded. It had been a hot December and the rain surprised everyone when it broke on Christmas day. But now the sun was out. The puddles were receding. She could see her way to the supermarket across the parking yard from the restaurant. She had no idea what winjex even looked like but she hoped they had some in stock. It was the first Christmas she could remember when it had rained, she thought, stepping off the kerb into the road to avoid a puddle. It was rippling with trapped insects. “Winjex. Winjex,” she murmured the word aloud to remember it. Christmas had changed. It used to be easier to end it. I look out of Kampala taxi windows because there are so many things in Kampala that you can see. There is everything here. If you look long enough you will see it. A bus stop rusting in the sun. Old men

with grey chins and cheeks. Bored girls in MTN booths. Radio masts. A rack of womens shoes. A traffic cop laughing. The spinning wheels of a Rav 4 with the last traces of blood and flesh finally scrapped off by the road. An illiterate man staring at a shop sign and coming to the conclusion that he has made grave mistakes with his life. A tourist with a rapid stride and blond fur covering his bare legs.The smell of frying, the smell of electricity. A woman prays aloud inside a taxi. A happy musician hoists a bottle of soda upwards on a billboard. He is very happy. A girl in sunglasses, one hand on the steering wheel of her car, the other by her ear, probably holding a telephone conversation, probably rich, comfortably fearless and loved. A woman with a toddler walking beside her. He is singing to himself. I am looking for the new year. It is the fifth of January today and I want to see a new year. A culmination giving away to another beginning. A seam separating one time from another. A difference. We had waited months for rain . It was a prolonged dry season. In the parts of the city where we are safe from things like thirst and starvation, this meant heat. Behind us the villages and slums were charred and dry, but we walked on, filled our streets as always. Only this time the heat walked along with us. Occasionally someone would cast their eyes to the sky, to look in hope at a cloud, willing it to expand and darken and spill, but the will of a city kid is seldom powerful enough. We are too self-centered to reach things beyond ourselves. The cloud dissipated and the sun blazed on. But close to Christmas a strange chill arrived. The air was heavier and the mornings came with a tinge of grey.The villages probably knew. But we had given up hope. So when they put the sofa on the back of the Hilux, they didn’t bother to cover it. A figure moves. Starting, stopping. A series of broken strides propel it forwards. It stops in the centre of the parking yard. Leans against a Toyota Noah. It inhales. "You are limping," Maria shifts the plastic bag with the bottle of Windex to her other hand and pulls his coat aside to look at his hip, as if to see if it is still there. "My leg got fucked," the man replies. "There was an accident. Maury died." "What?" "We were on the way to the village. On Christmas eve. It rained." On long roads you can drive into rain. If it is ahead of you you speed into it. And it gets heavier the further in you go. "The road turned bad and the truck skidded off the road." The man places his palms together horizontally then swipes the top one off the one below it. "Crashed into a ditch and Maury passed away." This time he didn’t say “died”. Maria lets his jacket fall back. "Me I didnt. I jumped off the sofa. I could not die without you."

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“Oh, can I have it served with Cheese and Bacon source?” “Sure.” The waiter replied. “Perfect, then I’ll have that along with baked potatoes.” Crosschecking with my menu, I did the quick math and Tiffany’s order was already 38,000, excluding the desert, the beers we’d taken, and those that I’d now vowed were not to be take, not on my account at least. What does this girl take me for, her husband? I thought. I came here with 70,000 and we’ve already spent 50,000 before I even place my order. The waiter then turned to me with their signature graciousness, waiting with a notebook in one hand and a pen in another. I shoved my head back in the menu and looked more intently in search for an item that fell within the 20,000 balance I had left on my wallet. Noticing that making up my mind on my order was taking a while, Tiffany offered to help.

lam r Ba

Sometime back, I rashly let a girl choose a venue for a "reunion" she mistook for a date, an impression she may have got from my pledge that it would be my treat. While I was thinking of a casual thing, you know, like two old friends catching up over coffee; Tiffany (not real name) had a completely different impression as would be revealed by her preferred eatery. “Have you been to The Barn Steakhouse? They have really nice and fairly priced continental dishes.” She suggested.

hadn’t been there, but I unwittingly asked for directions, committing to hooking up with her later that evening after work. What I would later realize was that Tiffany’s definition of “fairly priced” was pretty divergent from mine. Reaching the venue—where I found her reclined in the couch, calmly sipping a Club—I glanced through the drinks menu and ordered for the same beer. Having failed to take a clue from the 6000/= price tag on all local beers, the idiot that I am had to wait for the food menu before I could question whether the girl who brought me to this place was in her right mind. Squinting at the menu through her glasses, Tiffany made her order. “Hmm…I would like to try your Mozambican Peri-Peri Chicken, the 600 grams, please.” She seemed to be covering the menu when she remembered.

I knew I’d already lost most, if not all, the dignity there was to lose, but I was also reminded why I’d kept out of touch with Tiffany all this while. So instead of losing my cool and giving her a lecture—in the presence of the waiter—of how me I hadn't brought her out on a date. I thought it best to be as barefaced as she was and force her into sharing the bloody chicken. “Well, we could use some salad, you already ordered for 600 grams of chicken.” I retorted. “You can’t possibly eat that alone, unless you plan on taking some home for breakfast.” A chuckle escaped out of the waitress, which I am inclined to believe is the reason Tiffany felt some semblence of embarrassment and reluctantly allowed to share the food. I don't remember much about the rest of how the catching up went, but I learnt my lesson and I now know better than going to eat out in places I haven't been before doing a preliminary survey.

“Hey, I may not be an authority on this, but to my knowledge these guys make the best burgers around town, you may want to try their Bacon Egg and Cheese Beef burger.” She suggested as she gestured to the waiter. I wondered if she had noticed the 35,000/= price tag on the item, but ignoring her, I kept flipping through the pages until I came across an item that fell within range. “Tell me about this Spinach Salad” I asked the waiter. “Besides the fact that it’s a salad” Tiffany scoffed?

here are certain people who do significant things in life. Sometimes, these people need to be recognized. There are various ways these people can be recognized. If you have money, you can organize an award ceremony and then take them to javas for chips. If you do not have money, you tweet them and tell them ‘well done’. The above paragraph is my failed attempt at writing an appropriate introduction for his article. Sometimes a writer fails to get an intro for their article. I blame the KFC prices. I present to you the WorkZine awards 2013.


pay a boda guy to take it home to the family and be happy for a month with the free subscription? Come on guys.

By Sandra Langi



Tooro Princess Ruth Komuntale and her on and off husband ‘Duke’ Thomas. We are all still looking for that allegeded sex tape.

This category was included to bring to the limelight people (or groups of people) we are fed up with in our society. The award goes to my mother’s cat of close to four years, Larry, who has been impregnated an uncountable number of times by different kitten daddies all around the neighbourhood. Larry is a slender cat with black, white and orange coloured fur and attitude. Basically, she is what a Jamaican would call a ‘bad gyal’. Anyway, twakoowa her having unprotected sex and bringing us kittens we cannot afford to take care of. It is therefore important that you people use condoms before engaging in sexual activities. Also, I advise you to get off the sexual network.


This category was included to appreciate all the people in our society who have put on brave faces regardless of the social injustices they face every day.This award goes out to dark skinned chics all over the world who have been constantly trolled on twitter, other social media sites and in real life, compared to their light skinned counter parts who are worshipped every day. Their only mistake, was to be born with more melanin (skin pigment). Maybe less really is more. The award also goes, the boys who have constantly moved from one friend zone to another, and when the worst comes to the worst, even relocated to the bro zone. I have also decided to give this award to my mother’s cat Larry whose kittens have been constantly taken away from her, and distributed to well-wishers. No mother should ever be separated from her children.


This award goes out to the participants in the Uganda Christian university soap advert aka bubble gyal a bubble aka shower together and save water aka make it nasty video, which was directed by the dude whose voice is constantly heard in the background [of the video] saying, 'Make it nastyyy. Yeah....'. This award goes to them not because of video quality, or anything spectacular for that matter, but because it managed to be viewed by majority of the Ugandan population (i think). I would like to recognize the contribution of Whatsapp in making the video accessible and Red pepper for making it national news.



This award goes to Panamera bar. Remember that time when a waiter was supposedly killed by someone who works at Panamera and people stopped going to that place? It was like a grave yard yo! Well, Panamera bar has since moved on from that tough and trying time. You should see the place these days, it is on FIRE. I sincerely would like to thank Panamera bar for being strong and rising from the ashes.

This award goes out to the ever so beautiful Michelle Obama for that wife block she pulled on the Danish Prime minister at the recent Mandela memorial in South Africa. Ladies, i hope you took notes. Jokes aside, Michelle was not wife blocking the Danish PM. She was actually being a real. Seriously Barack, who takes selfies at the funeral of one of the greatest icons in the world? Get serious.'



This award goes to youlovely readers. Thank you for reading. This award also goes to Zuma's hype man for all those powerful things i don’t understand he says before Zuma speaks' Bye.

This category was included for the ridiculous acts performed by people. This award goes to the directors and management of the newly opened Kentucky Fried Chicken eat out in Bugolobi for putting the price of a bucket of chicken at 99,000 Ushs. Reyale, 99k? In this economy? When, I can buy a Go TV decoder for the family,

This is not an award per say. It is just one of those things I just could not leave out. Anyway, it goes out to the homeboy Erias Lukwaga and bad girl Jenny “from the block” Musisi for the love-hate thing they have had going on all year long that climaxed in November.

Things We’d Like To See On Company Motivational Posters management.
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you m ay get a job with a better company someday. 2) It's only unethical if you get caught. 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budg et cuts. 4) Doing a job RIGHT th e first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRO NG four teen times give s you job security. 5) Sure, you may not lik e working here, but we pay your rent. 6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should se e our rivals! (We suck les s!) 7) Rome did not create a great empire by havi ng meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. We put the "k" in "kwal ity" 9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. 10) Ar tificial Intelligenc e in no match for Natu ral Stupidity 11) A person who smile s in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoa t. 12) If you can stay calm , while all around you is chaos...then you prob ably haven't completely understood the situatio n. 13) ABANDON ALL HO PE, ALL YE WHO ENTE R HERE..... 14) 2 days without a Hu man Rights Violation! 15) Your job is still bett er than asking "You wan t fries with that?" 16) We are Microsoft. Re sistance is futile. 17) Plagiarism saves tim e. 18) If at first you don' t succeed - try

being 19) At least you're not s. rectally probed by alien tomorrow 20) Never put off until gether. what you can avoid alto r ever, even 21) This can't go on fo sted 12 the Third Reich only la years u have 22) Never quit until yo another job. ns never 23) TEAMWORK ... mea ame having to take all the bl yourself.

15/December/2013 Atugonza Mark Babigaisa Prince Andrew Jaqueline Nabitengero Kalyebara Cliff Richards Mwebaze Kusiima Twinobulyo Patrick 16/December/2013 Julius Oringa 17/December/2013 Baranga Peter Brian Amanyire Jesse Pepsii Birungi Liz Kobusinge Lydia Kirsten Lober Patrick 18/December/2013 Di Kiss Dorothy Damalie Jena Arinda Joel Benjamin Nevender Kamoga James Kisembo Kiyemba Philip Mikisa Rhian Mubarak Tusubira Manuela Mulondo Susan Kitto 19/December/2013 Aggrey Namara

Amir Demeke John B. Kaweesi Kalanzi Bob Sydat Marunga Tim Borgemeister 20/December/2013 Herbert M Mugizi Jacky Tang 21/December/2013 Brian Lukwiya Rebekah Sharon Sano Clement Shivan Trishil 22/December/2013 Adrienne Kahangire Gilbert Aino Immo Shadrak Laura Apple Tarts Monia Treblig Mwesigwa Albert 23/December/2013 Dianne Katto Emmanuel Sanyu Safali Namusisi Stella Natamba Leo Natasha Nabulime Nel Muhire Noel Kasekende Sheila Nabuuma Wavamunno 24/December/2013 George Chille Morys Munyah

Sebambulidde Emmanuel Sy Kz Taremwa Maurice 25/December/2013 Acaali Patrick C'll Okwiri James James 26/December/2013 Day Vid Emmanuel Wasswa Jay Thakkar Jaykrushna G Thakkar Kakungulu Xer Yunusu Steve Taremwa 27 /December/2013 Fiona Katasi Kwanele Mpanza Naigubia Emmanuel 28/December/2013 Elijah Bee Glenn Lauren Love Godfrey Tumwebaze John Davison Mark Anthony Kakuba Mark Tela Maiga 29/December/2013 Dennis Oks Eva Pretty Papa K Patrick Kadama 30/December/2013 Alex Businge Gad Twesigye Rwebishengye

Héloïse Blondeel 31/December/2013 Daniel Nuwamanya Komakech George Mephibosceth D Luwalira Mephibosceth David Luwalira Musoke Miriam Piedra Rodante Prosper Ahabwe Shy Jay Josh Tim Byekwaso Jr. 1/January /2014 AllianceFrançaise Kampala Afk Anita Lady Oile Atii AndKati Box Officer Da Leonardo Ekisa Geoffrey Geremina N. Oberu Jackson Tumwine Jean Dorcus Jeff Anguyo Kampala Uganda Kampala Buzz Karina Diaz Kats Wils Kyeyune Ivan Micheal Faraday Mwanja Baker Nasma Murad Phoste D'arca Pretty Asumin Samuel Edgar Tinyiro Smackoba Smackoba Sms Native Tuhame Moses 2/January /2014 Bukenya Bryan Hellen Nyana 3/January /2014 Benjamin Kipsang Fuba Uganda Joshua Kakaire Kibedi

MUjabi EDward MoZes Sentamu Andrew 4/January /2014 Japheth Kiru Kale Charles Malik Rehman Timothy Hatcher Van Benjamin 5/January /2014 Muhumuza Solomon Pretty Precious Wabwire Wagner Wandera 6/January /2014 Absolom Muramira Lewis McCloy Muhimbo Wilfred Nelz Green Label Tusiime Samuel Otaala Turyomurugyendo Saul 7 /January /2014 Gankuba Andrew Kasozi Nathan Sasja Reynaert Tania Anita Kaak Tashobya Davis 8/January /2014 Barbie April Emmanuel Balamu Byaai Isaac Nandi Ivan Karugaba Joe Black Kag Pam Markinson Buka'a Lawoumak Rose Namata Shimoni Dem Essomero Yakub Mapesa Hassan 9/January /2014 Auson Audax David Kats Fada Pest Harsh Sahadevan 10/January /2014 Shifra Wilkin Harts

Yakobo Kahesi 11/January /2014 Edgar Dean Jason Paul Murungi Ronnie Samie Mpagi Samie Mpagi Tusiimemukama Alicitidia 12/January /2014 Alex Kiracho-Taban Bbirikadde Joseph Billy John B Aliga Mutyaba Twaib Nkusi Araali Shyaka Steve Ssemugera 13/January /2014 Christine Nagimesi Komukyeya Brenda Liz Birungi Norah Ilukor Nsaiga Roger AK 14/January /2014 Atuheirwe Six Bob Marvin Mpwereirwe Mukiibi Moses Sixmesses Escape 15/January /2014 Basemera Natalie Ejay Decimalist Mwangi Ndawula 16/January /2014 Aaron Bwayo Andrew Bwengye Ankunda Ashenafi Shifferaw Jamil Matovu Kezia Favored Nabiryo Berna 17 /January /2014 Alex Isingoma Leticia Murungi Lwebuga Emmanuel Gahitsi Muhindo Allan