from McSweeneys Internet Tendency: I M THE BEST STORY IDEA YOU VE EVER HAD.

BY JASON HAYES - - - And you re back. Of course you are. How long has it been since you were last here to drop off those parchment paper love poems you tediously burned around the edg es? Three hours? Four? I can see the blisters on your thumb from holding the lig hter for Christ s sake. Well you know what? I m glad you re back. Let s be honest, I can see why you re here. After all, I m the Best Story Idea You ve Ev er Had. Bestoftendency_cover_final_pr Get The Best of McSweeney s Internet Tendency. It doesn t matter if you re at work or driving to the grocery store, you can always spare a couple minutes to see me to revisit the curves of my plot line. Anything i s better than listening to the sway bar clattering in your 1999 Dodge Neon. I me an seriously, my character arc is downright voluptuous. My dark undertones of se lf-deception will need to rent storage space for the awards they ll win. I am untouchable right now. I m the Best Story Idea You ve Ever Had. Exposing the le ading character who probably should be a twist on the Byronic Hero through intertwin ed second person narrative and the inner monologue of a local news reporter? Tha t s just smart. In fact, it s genius. Bestof_jacket_final_pr_a_copy Best of McSweeney s signed & personalized! We re going to blow the lid off the story-writing game. We re going to do for fictio n what late 1980s Berlin did for Techno. What s more, we re going to do it with the same nose-to-the-sky air of dispassion, like we re not even trying. When readers f inish the last page, their laps a wasteland of tear-soaked Kleenex, they ll though tfully enfold your story in their arms and gaze out their window, out into the w orld, and be all enlightened and shit. So, no matter what other story you re writing in the real world of criticism and b arbs and rust, it doesn t really matter. You don t have to feel the sting when the w riting group suggests you overthought your short story, or when your friends polit ely ask you to stop sending them drafts. Your ego is safe tucked away with me. I m the ace up your sleeve. I m the .44 you brought to the knife fight. Let s just set some boundaries though, before we send this rocket to the moon. Whe n I said I was untouchable, I meant that. As in, hands off. Why? Because you nee d me. More specifically, you need me looking like this. Right now, I look as good as the ladies of the Adult Entertainment Expo when you first walk in the door. Just don t get too close or you ll be face-to-face with my details. And the details, my friend, are neither pretty nor real. Think about th em too much and you ll start to feel icky and alone. We both know that if you put me on paper weird shit is going to happen. You ll sit down at the computer and realize you need a setting in a bad way. Like a two-pa ck-a-day sort of way. All of a sudden my narrative voice will become that of a M exican cartel Jefe. You don t know anything about Mexico. You get indigestion from guacamole. What do you know about the main character s love interest, really? Don t even try to

fill in those blanks. She will turn into a character played by Kristen Stewart faster than you can say I shouldn t have eaten all that guacamole. So let s keep this straight. I stay like I am and you re free to visit whenever you need a taste. When your co-worker who takes off at four and hits on all the ladies gets the pr omotion, you won t have to think about it. Just think about how popular and well r espected you ll be when you write me. When you get an ex s wedding invitation in the mail, I m there for you like Mommy sl inging hot cocoa on a Sunday in December. I m the Best Story Idea You ve Ever Had, so kick back and relax Tiger. We re going to be just fine.