Dave Barry Quotes• Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who

owns hideous clothing. • I can win an argu ent on any topic, against any opponent. People !now this, and steer clear of e at parties. "ften, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite e. • I thin! #uper an should go on the $arry %ing show and announce that he would co e bac! to life if people in all &' states wanted hi to. • #!iing co bines outdoor fun with !noc!ing down trees with your face. • (hus the etric syste did not really catch on in the #tates, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine- illi eter bullet. • )hat I loo! forward to is continued i aturity followed by death. • *ou can only be young once. But you can always be i ature. • Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's essage has always been that the need for truth, wisdo and world peace pales by co parison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth +and+ fresher breath. • ,lectricity is actually ade up of e-tre ely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the na!ed eye unless you have been drin!ing. • *ou can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this loo! that says, ./y 0od, you're right1 I never would've thought of that1 • )hen trouble arises and things loo! bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to ta!e co and. 2ery often, that individual is cra3y. • %arate is a for of artial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, a!e so e of the worst ovies in the history of the world. • #cientists tell us that the fastest ani al on earth, with a top speed of 45' ft6sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. • /ost arried couples, even though they love each other very uch in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large tee ing flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious e otional shouting atches over such issues as toaster settings. • In the past decade or so, the wo en's aga3ines have ta!en to running ho e-handyperson articles suggesting that wo en can learn to fi- things 7ust as well as en. (hese articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assu ption that en !now how to fi- things, when in fact all they !now how to do is loo! at things in a certain s8uinty-eyed anner, which they learned in )ood #hop9 eventually, when enough things in the ho e are bro!en, they ta!e a 7ob re8uiring the to transfer to another ho e. • I reali3e that I' generali3ing here, but as is often the case when I generali3e, I don't care. • (here is a fine line between .hobby. and . ental illness.. • A erican business long ago gave up on de anding that prospective e ployees be honest and hardwor!ing. It has even stopped hoping for e ployees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the en's roo and the wo en's roo without having little pictures on the doors. • A full-grown anatee, which can weigh ore than 4,''' pounds, loo!s li!e the result of a genetic e-peri ent involving a walrus and the 0oodyear Bli p.:

(he leading cause of death a ong fashion odels is falling through street grates. . )hat I li!e about beer is you basically 7ust drin! it and order ore. 44C . sit in your par!ed car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. as! if they want fries with that. I have never been into wine. FC Braid the hairs in each nostril. decent. Bill 0ates is a very rich an today . and when the nurse weighed e. or drone on and on about it. 4EC Do your assign ents in binary code. Ireland is a ediu -si3ed rural island that is slowly but steadily being consu ed by sheep. I' a beer an. D>A is an abbreviation for deo-yribonucleicantidisestablish entarianis . *ou don't sniff at it.string of syllables.ope )ith #tress= 4C )rite a short story using alphabet soup. @C #tare at people through the tines of a for! and pretend they're in 7ail. I now reali3e that the s all hills you see on s!i slopes are for ed around the bodies of fortyseven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. whereas your serious wine fancier tends to be an insufferable snot. I recently had y annual physical e-a ination.very ti e so eone as!s you to do so ething. I was shoc!ed to discover how uch stronger the . and do you want to !now why< (he answer is one word= versions. which I get once every seven years. or hold it up to the light and slosh it around. HC #it na!ed on a shelled hard-boiled egg. 0eographically.• • • • • • • • • • • • • • . )ays (o . GC At lunch ti e. 5C Polish your car with earwa-. down-to-earth person.and I a not for a o ent suggesting that you should . 45C As! people what se. If you were to open up a baby's head . for e-a ple.scargot' is Arench for 'fat crawling bag of phleg '. &C #tart a nasty ru or and see if you recogni3e it when it co es bac! to you. *our beer drin!er tends to be a straightforward. It always rains on tents. against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent As a child. a co ple.arth's gravitational pull has beco e since 4@@'. $augh hysterically after they answer. #ee if they slow down. Bainstor s will travel thousands of iles..a ping is nature's way of pro oting the otel business. 4DC Beplace the filling of a (win!ie with !etchup and put it b ac! in the wrapper. 4'C /a!e up a language and as! people for directions in it. DC #ing along at the opera. Dracula. I believe any ?arley guys spend ore ti e revving their engines than actually driving anywhere9 I so eti es wonder why they bother to have wheels on their otorcycles.you would find nothing but an enor ous drool gland.they are. I was ore afraid of tetanus shots than. friendly. the way people do with wine. '. Buying the right co puter and getting it to wor! properly is no ore co plicated than building a nuclear reactor fro wristwatch parts in a dar!ened roo using only your teeth. EC Bead the dictionary upside down and loo! for secret essages.

so she as!s hi to loo! in the pot. ?ad one leg.Drd ti e this wee!11111.hic!en #urprise. (he frog 7u ps H' inches. (hey perused the enu and finally agreed to share the chef's special. and cuts off another leg.Lu p fro1 g 7u p. ?e records this. 7u ped 5'in. so he yells. I do apologi3e.?ad all four legs. (he frog still doesn't do anything. (hen he gets the sa e frog. (he waiter brings over the eal. and de ands an e-planation. . ?e put the in the bed of his pic!up truc! and was about to drive ho e when he was confronted by an ornery ga e warden that didn't li!e hillbillies. Jwell. Bather perturbed he calls the waiter over... Lust as the wife is about to start her eal. yelling . and says.. A hillbilly went hunting one day in "!laho a and bagged three duc!s. he says.K he relies. the lid of the pot rises by a tiny a ount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes loo!ing around before the lid sla s bac! down. ?e records this. ?e records this.Lu p frog 7u p. I:ve brought you the pee!ing duc!... his notes read. ?e gets the frog one ore ti e. 5'C )hen leaving the 3oo. (his is a %ansas duc!.. ?e records this.(he wo an's has to be lower because its used. ?e than says.. . and cuts off one leg.''. 7u ped E'in.. start running towards the par!ing lot.to go.0ood grief. ?e gets the frog again. and the hillbilly pulled out a valid "!laho a hunting license.4&C Ainish all your sentences with .. and said. J)here there's a will there:s a relative.I won1. 7u ped H'in. and says. Boc! ?ard %i . ?e gets the frog and cuts off the third leg. . 4FC Bead the dictionary bac!wards and loo! for subli inal essages. ?ad two legs. . the doc said .K (here's a scientist who conducts an e-peri ent.. 4GC #pecify that your drive-through order is .. . (he ga e warden loo!ed at the license.Lu p frog 7u p.in accordance with the prophecy. 54C ?ave your cowor!ers address you by your wrestling na e. At the end of his e-peri ent.(his duc! ain't fro "!laho a. (he . screa .K Joh.Lu p frog 7u p.K says the waiter. ?e records this. (he frog 7u ps F' inches. while a wo an's was I4'''.I won1. and cuts off th e last leg.''. . the frog only 7u ps 5' inches.. 4HC Bill your doctor for ti e spent in his waiting roo . 5DC #ay all punctuations that you use out loud A guy had to get a brain transplant.Lu p frog 7u p. 4@C )hen the oney co es out the A(/.hinese restaurant. (his is y fault. Jwhat did you order<K Jwe both chose the sa e. (he guy as!ed why the wo an's was less e-pensive. (he frog doesn't do anything.K says the waiter..frog beca e deaf. Jthe . ?e reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two beady little eyes loo!ing around before it fir ly sla s bac! down. . . . . boy<. sir. e-plains what is happening. ?e hasnt. sniffed its butt. ?ad no legs. served in a lidded cast iron pot.. ?e gets a frog. .K A couple decided to go out for a eal and after so e deliberation settled for their local . . and the doctor said that a an's brain was ID'''. then reached over and pic!ed up one of the duc!s. and says. (he frog 7u ps E' inches. did you see that<. (he ga e warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license. 7u ped F'in. *ou got a %ansas huntin' license. 55C Put os8uito netting around your wor! area and play a tape of 7ungle sounds all day.(he flying on!eys are after e11.LM/P AB"0 LM/P1111. ?ad three legs.hic!en #urprise. JIt:s y ista!e. she as!s her husband..

. >ebras!a. said the other. . sniffed its butt.(his an ust arry the first lady's daughter. J?ey. and said. .. de anded the >ebras!an. . said #olo on. sniffed its butt. e-pert. .I'll tell you -. what sort of control do you have over your wife<.)ow1 )hat happened then<..)hat the hec! are you doing<. .. do not spill innocent blood.hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a %ansas hunting license. .But she was willing to hew hi in two1. But the other wo an said. (he other golfer said. '0et out fro under the bed and fight li!e a an. And so they haggled before the %ing.Lust where the hec! are you fro <. $et the other wo an's daughter arry hi . . dropped his pants. the wo an fro Idaho started pulling potatoes fro her bag and throwing the out of the window. (he ga e warden loo!ed at it. and said this ain't no Ar!ansas duc!. y y wifeK. (he warden t hen reached over and pic!ed up the third duc!. Q= (he difference between outlaws and in-laws< A= "utlaws are )anted11 Aour wo en were driving across the country. what about you.Bring e y biggest sword. (he hillbilly turned around.#he said. while the third re ained 8uiet. (he third an too! a healthy swallow of his beer. and I shall hew the young an in half. (he wise !ing did not hesitate a o ent. and said . Inspired.)ell. and >ew *or!.'. dragging between the a young an. he proclai ed. (he first two guys were a a3ed. that other-in-law for two years.)hat are you doing that for<. .. other-in-law1. .ach one was fro a different state= Idaho. *ou got a Ar!ansas license<.)e have so any of these darn things in Idaho. the gal fro Alorida opened the car door and pushed the >ew *or!er out.(his young an agreed to arry y daughter. JI got a set of clubs for was a good trade111K I haven't spo!en to interrupt her.. . . I a 7ust sic! of loo!ing at the 1. Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a #outh . #hortly after the trip began. said one. . as!ed the gal fro Alorida.."h #ire.arolina hunting license. said wise %ing #olo on.. . (wo of the were tal!ing about the a ount of control they have over their wives. (he hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Ar!ansas hunting license. Alorida. .ach of you shall receive a half. e-clai ed the !ing's court. A o ent later. said the first lady. *ou got a #outh . .)e have so any of these things in >ebras!a. the gal fro >ebras!a began pulling ears of corn fro her bag and tossing the fro the window. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said. .7ust the other night y wife ca e to e on her hands and !nees.>o1 ?e agreed to arry /* daughter.arolina huntin' license<. )e haven't 8uarreled. (here were three guys tal!ing in a bar.#ounds good to e. (his duc!'s fro Ar!ansas. bent over. . (his here duc!'s fro #outh .Indeed...(his ain't no %ansas duc!. then reached over and grabbed the second duc!. and he yelled at the hillbilly . sighed and uttered. "ne golfer said to the other. . they as!ed.*ou tell e. (he ga e warden was e-tre ely frustrated at this point. (he third fellow said. . . .arolina.(hat shows she is the (BM. I 7ust don't li!e to (wo wo en ca e before wise %ing #olo on. . I a 7ust sic! of loo!ing at the 1. until he called for silence.

' '(hou #halt >ot . /able answered. every ti e that you do so ething wrong and a!e e cry or unhappy. sighed the wife one orning. (wo elderly wo en were eating brea!fast in a restaurant one orning. '(hey !eep tal!ing about drafting a . ?er husband loo!ed up fro the newspaper and co ented. It too! three days to clean up the theater.. until suddenly it slipped fro the hypnotist:s fingers and fell to the floor. #he suddenly noticed that her other had several strands of white hair stic!ing out in contrast to her brunette hair. . (he little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then as!ed. 7udges and politicians1 It creates a hostile wor! environ ent. .generations. As .. (o co bat this proble .ver notice how all of wo en's proble s start with /.laude too! to the stage. J)atch the watch. watch the watchN. did you !now you've got a suppository in your left ear<. It:s a very special watch.It was opening night at the "rpheu and the A a3ing .A$ trouble..o and ents in a . HISterecto y. I' awfully glad you saw this thing. they 8uic!ly discovered that ball-point pens would not wor! in 3ero gravity. ?undreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. People ca e fro iles around to see the fa ed hypnotist do his stuff. brea!ing into a hundred pieces.onstitution for Ira8 ./o . (hen she said. "h 0osh.ourthouse is that you cannot post '(hou #halt >ot #teal. it's wor!ed for over 5'' years and hec!. on al ost any surface including glass and at te peratures ranging fro below free3ing to over D'' . . MENopause. how co e all of grand a's hairs are white<.I' convinced y ind is al ost co pletely gone1. Its been in y fa ily for si. #he pulled it out and stared at it.laude withdrew a beautiful anti8ue poc!et watch fro his coat. /o <.thel. )hy don't we 7ust give the ours< It was written by a lot of really s art guys. one of y hairs turns white. .)hy are so e of your hairs white. #he loo!ed at her other and in8uisitively as!ed.. ?er other replied .K (he e-cite ent was al ost electric as .I' not surprised= *ou've been giving e a piece of it every day for the last twenty years1.. .. . >A#A scientists spent a decade and I45 billion developing a pen that writes in 3ero gravity. J.)ell.' (he real reason that we can't have the (en . MENstrual cra ps.K(he crowd beca e es eri3ed as the watch swayed bac! and forth. GUYnecologist.>< )hen >A#A started sending up astronauts.thel noticed so ething funny about /abel's ear and she said. MENtal illness. he announced.I have< A suppository<.o it Adultery' and '(hou #hall >ot $ie' in a building full of lawyers. we're not using it any ore. . . I want you each to !eep your eye on this anti8ue watch. a little girl was sitting and watching her other do the dishes at the !itchen sin!.. (he Bussians used a pencil. upside-down. watch the watch. it's a. >ow I !now where y hearing aid is./able. I intend to hypnoti3e each and every e ber of the audience. and when we have B. . . *our ta-es are due again--en7oy paying the . "ne day. JMnli!e ost stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance.rap1K said the hypnotist. MENtal brea!down. ?e began to swing the watch gently bac! and forth while 8uietly chanting.laude was topping the bill. light glea ing off its polished surface.

?e's a doctor.K. ?ow he got in y pa7a as. but now it has illions of poor players. class. and return with three ene ies.verybody's 7ob.(hen why is it that while I a standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into y feet<. but >obody reali3ed that . she's dead.verybody wouldn't do it. .$ouis Ar strong brea!fast= the (he difference between Jinvolve entK and Jco it entK is li!e an eggs-and-ha chic!en was JinvolvedK. would run into it..verybody bla ed #o ebody when >obody did what Anybody could have done1 . in civili3ed society.K 0roucho y pa7a as.' or '(hat's /ichael. I don't !now. .(he children had all been photographed. . if I stood on y head. it was called witchcraft9 today. because it was .And there's the teacher. A little fellow shouted. a boo! is /ar- an's best friend. but >obody did. she's a lawyer. (rying to a!e the atter clearer. critici3e or laugh.>ow. • 0olf was once a rich an:s sport. JAll usic is fol! usic. • 0olf is an e-pensive way of playing arbles • 0olf is a ga e in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you. It ended up that . #o ebody got angry about this. 0olf Lo!es • In pri itive society.K J"utside of a dog.. the class said. she said. Inside of a dog it's too dar! to read.Lust thin! how nice it will be to loo! at it when you are all grown up and say. and the teacher was trying to persuade the each to buy a copy of the group picture. and I would turn red in the face.K “"ne orning I shot an elephant in 0roucho /ar- (his is a story about four people na ed . • (he secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard.' A s all voice at the bac! of the roo rang out. J.verybody was sure that #o ebody would do it.the pig was Jco itted. play eighteen holes. Anybody and >obody. • (here:s no ga e li!e golf9 you go out with three friends. . '(here's Lennifer.ause your feet ain't e pty. the blood. • An a ateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice= once before swinging and once again after swinging. . • /any a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count.verybody thought Anybody could do it. when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled.. I ain:t never heard no horse sing a song. and the fastest are those behind. straight and not too often. Anybody could have done it. .. it is called golf. as you !now. #o ebody.*es. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. • 0olf= A five ile wal! punctuated with disappoint ents. (here was an i portant 7ob to be done and .verybody.

handcuffed hi to the beautiful wo an and wal!ed off.I li!e to operate on accountants because when you open the up. . . #t. #t.. But the &th surgeon shut the all up when he observed= .>o.I don't !now about you. An elderly wo an died last onth. I don't want the to ta!e e out when I' dead. . After three onths of this he still hadn't stepped on a duc!. #t. (he Eth surgeon chi es in= . (hose guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. Peter replies. ?e has no guts. but u should try electricians1 . he said. !nowing that he would be handcuffed to this wo an for eternity. In her handwritten instructions for her e orial service. but I stepped on a duc!.& surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. . . (he en all have blan! e-pressions. .*es.(here are illions of duc!s wal!ing around the course and if one gets stepped on. (he 8uac!s were as deafening as before and within inutes #t. (he third an was e-tre ely careful. Peter wal!ed up to the an at the end of the three onths and had with hi a !noc!-out gorgeous wo an. (he duc! s8uaw!ed. everything inside is nu bered. Peter wal!ed up with an e-tre ely ho ely wo an in tow and as!ed ... (he other two en were very cautious not to step on any duc!s.. ?aving never arried.*ou !now. . .(hey wouldn't ta!e e out while I was alive..(he duc!s<. I ediately.. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the an's right hand to the ho ely wo an's left hand. Mpon arrival they discover the ost beautiful golf course they have ever seen. Peter deter ined which one had stepped on a duc! by the fear in his face. After entering the course..>ow you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. #o e days he wouldn't even ove for fear of even nudging a duc!. . Peter tells the that they are all welco e to play the course. and no spine. #t.I told you not to step on the duc!s. but a couple of wee!s later. without a word.*eah.I told you not to step on the duc!s. librarians are the best9 everything inside the is in alphabetical order. and cuffed the an's right hand to the ho ely wo an's left hand. (he wo an responded . no brain. and when the 7ob ta!es longer than you said it would. I'd rather operate on Lohn %erry than anyone. Peter s iled to the an and then. .)ho stepped on the duc!<.. but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't step on the ducks. one of the accidentally did. (he 4st surgeon says. the en noted that there was indeed a gaggle of duc!s everywhere. she re8uested no ale pallbearers..)hat have I done to deserve this<. and finally one of the as!s .you:re all wrong. Peter wal!ed up with an even uglier wo an than before. let out a sigh and said . #t. the ost beautiful wo an the an had ever seen. #t.. .. #t. one of the guys stepped on one of the ..>ow you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. otherwise everything is yours to en7oy. (hree golfing partners died in a car wrec! and went to heaven.)hat would you do if you had to arrest your own other<. she wrote. If you step on the duc!s. he s8uaw!s then the one ne-t to hi s8uaw!s and soon they're all raising hell and it really brea!s the tran8uility. (he one who had done it ad itted . )ithin fifteen inutes. (he Drd surgeon says. the one ne-t to it s8uaw!ed and soon there was a deafening roar of duc! 8uac!s. no heart.verything inside the is color coded.. . (he an. (he 5nd responds.I did. . I li!e construction wor!ers. he said.all for bac!up. ?e said. O the head O butt are interchangeable1 A police recruit was as!ed during the e-a . you'll be punished.

replies the owner. . not the speed li it. .M## Did the chic!en cross the road< Did he cross it with a toad< *es1 (he chic!en crossed the road. ?e floors the accelerator and ta!es the Aerrari up to 5&' ph. (he oped driver as!s. It is also the ost e-pensive car in the world. (hen. sonny<..says the old an. (he old an loo!s over at the slee!.?A>A> (o steal a 7ob fro a decent.. the old an is still alive111 ?e runs up to the angled old an and says. (he young an 7u ps out.. DB. the young an as!s hi self.>o proble . y suspenders fro your side-view irror. the old wo an says a bit proudly. they'll be alright in a inute officer.A Aerrari &&'.. says to hi . the officer as!s.Is everyone in this car o!< (hese wo en see awfully sha!en and they haven't uttered a single peep this whole ti e..but I'll stic! with y oped1. Lust then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old an 7ust what his car can do. . (he driver./a'a . states the young dude proudly. I was doing the speed li it e-actly... ?e floors it. It cost half a illion dollars1. .'''. shiny car and as!s. ... was the route nu ber. /a'a . .)hat !ind of car ya'got there. I was doing e-actly the speed li it1 )hat see s to be the proble <. ."h y 0od1 Is there anything I can do for you<. and unbelievably. . ?e ta!es it out for a spin and stops for a red light.*ou weren't speeding.(hat's a lot of oney. #uddenly. he sees that it's the old an on the oped. . trying to contain a chuc!le e-plains to her that ../ind if I ta!e a loo! inside<. . Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and ta!es the Aerrari all the way up to D5' ph. ?e thin!s to hi self.. the officer replies. I have to as!."fficer. . .Mnhoo!. the wo an grinned and than!ed the officer for pointing out her error. (he old an whispers with his dying breath. . A bit e barrassed. . #uddenly the oped plows into the bac! of his Aerrari.. the old an says. (he #tate Police officer. hardwor!ing A erican. >ot ten seconds later he sees the oped bearing down on hi again.B"## (?. (he Aerrari is flatout and there's nothing he can do. I don't understand. .(his driver is 7ust as dangerous as a speeder1."h. he notices a dot in his rear view irror.wide eyed and white as ghosts. and within D' seconds the speedo eter reads 4F' ph.(hat's a pretty nice car. obviously confused. #o he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.)hy does it cost so uch<. . .?I. he notices that there are five old ladies P two in the front seat and three in the bac! . . #o the old an po!es his head in the window and loo!s around.> . It see s to be getting closer1 ?e slows down to see what it could be and suddenly. A a3ed that the oped could pass his Aerrari he gives it so e ore gas and passes the oped at 5G& ph.#lower than the speed li it< >o sir. A hip young an goes out and buys the best car available= a brand new Aerrari &&'. )e 7ust got off Boute 44@.55.Because this car can do up to D5' iles an hour1. de olishing the rear. all right.But before I let you go.(wenty two iles an hour1. going uch faster111 . a #tate Police "fficer sees a car puttering along at 55 /P?. (hen sitting bac! on his oped. Approaching the car.)hat on earth could be going faster than y Aerrari<. but you should !now that driving slower than the speed li it can also be a danger to other drivers. #. whhhoooossshhh1 #o ething whips by hi . B"AD< PA( BM. An old an on a oped Qabout @' years oldC pulls up ne-t to hi . and it costs hi I&''..%. . up ahead of hi .#itting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. (he young an replies. . )?* DID (?. )hoooooosh1 ?e's feeling pretty good until he loo!s in his irror and sees the old an gaining on hi again.

#ADDA/ ?M##AI> (his was an unprovo!ed act of rebellion and we were 8uite 7ustified in dropping &' tons of nerve gas on it. As a result. *es. that chic!en is gay.BB* AA$). the chic!en is 7ust another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate sche e to obstruct 7ustice and under ine the rule of law. otives 0BA>DPA In y day.they. I've not been told1 .> #(ABB I intend to prove that the chic!en crossed the road at the behest of the president of the Mnited #tates of A erica in an effort to distract law enforce ent officials and the A erican public fro the cri inal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. I say we boycott all chic!ens until we sort out this abo ination that the liberal edia whitewashes with see ingly har less phrases li!e . y friends. %AB$ /ABR It was a historical inevitability. It is the nature of chic!ens to cross the road. Lerry Aalwell.. the chic!en will not be per itted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been co pleted.#( ?. Aurther ore.other side. and that was good enough for us. In the rain.A0A> )hat chic!en< %. L. y staff intends to offer the chic!en unconditional i unity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. call it the . if you eat that chic!en. /AB(I> $M(?.other side.an't you people see the plain truth in front of your face< (he chic!en was going to the . Aor that reason.or at least to ruffle his feathers./I>0)A* (o die.. B">A$D B. (hat's what .B %I>0.C .but why it crossed. It's as plain si ple as that. we didn't as! why the chic!en crossed the road.$$ Because the chic!en was gay1 Isn't it obvious< ..the other side.B>. #o eone told us that the chic!en crossed the road. ABI#("($. you will beco e gay too. LB.Q)e also are investigating whether #id Blu enthal has lea!ed infor ation to the Bev. I envision a world where all chic!ens will be free to cross roads without having their called into 8uestion. (hat chic!en should not be free to cross the road. And. alleging the chic!en to be ho ose-ual in an effort to discredit any useful testi ony the bird ay have to offer.

-plorer is an ine-tricable part of e. .(hou shalt cross the road.... as!s the waiter. you will see. BIB$. the buffalo is e pty.I'll have your biggest. answers the an. • )hen the chips are down. And 0od ca e down fro the heavens. what about the ad cow<1. .I>#(.hic!en. (hat's why so e people appear bright until you hear the spea!. . ."$">. . )hat do you chic!en please< $"MI# AABBA%?A> (he road.I> Did the chic!en really cross the road or did the road ove beneath the chic!en< ean by chc!en< .she'll order for herself. he says.but will lay eggs.But sir.hic!en @H. #o e don't have fil .MD (he fact that you are at all concerned that the chic!en crossed the road reveals your underlying se-ual insecurity. 7uiciest $ondon Broil. It was unfa iliar territory.. ?ow you believe it< any ore chic!ens have to cross before AB. )I#. and ?e said unto the chic!en. represents the blac! to tra ple hi and !eep hi down. • I 7ust got lost in thought."h.$ #A>D. And the chic!en crossed the road.veryone has a photographic e ory. A"R /M$D.ould you define BI$$ .$I>("> I did not cross the road with (?A( chic!en. ..# I have 7ust released e.B# I issed one< A an wal!s into a restaurant with his wife. • .B *ou saw it cross the road with your own eyes.AP(AI> LA/. %IB% (o boldly go where no chic!en has gone before. BI$$ 0A(. in order (?. . and balance your chec!boo!-and Internet . (he waiter approaches the table and as!s for their order. (?"M0?(# • $ight travels faster than sound. and there was uch re7oicing. (he chic!en crossed the .blac! an. an. file your i portant docu ents..# (. which will not only cross roads.

(he things that co e to those that wait ay be the things left by those who got there first. Lust re e ber.for doing wrong. ?on! if you love peace and 8uiet. so eone would be stupid enough to try and pass the . and I still have ost of it. and precious stones. can't re e ber ost of it. (urns slightly green when placed ne-t to a shinier speci en. Aairly dense . get another one 7ust li!e it. Possesses strong affinity with gold. 2olatile when left alone. platinu . Alashlight= A case for holding dead batteries. there will be prayer in public schools. ?ighly unstable. (hose who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Able to absorb great a ounts of e-otic food. Chemical properties: 2ery active. Element Name= )"/A>IM/ Symbol: )" Atomic Weight: Qdon't even go thereC Physical properties: 0enerally soft and round in for . 2ery bitter if ishandled.. there's a @'S probability you'll get it wrong. A fine is a ta. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end. silver. *ou can't have everything-where would you put it< $atest survey shows that D out of E people a!e up G&S of the world's population. A ta. done it all. It is hard to understand how a ce etery raised its burial cost and bla ed it on the cost of living. (he &'-&'-@' rule= Anyti e you have a &'-&' chance of getting so ething right.• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • #een it all. I started out with nothing. )hen you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 45 people that weren't s art enough get out of 7ury duty. then used against you. An e-tre ely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. 0ive a an a fish and he will eat for a day. If the shoe fits.is a fine for doing well. I a reloading Despite the cost of living have you noticed how it re ains so popular< >othing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. /elts when treated properly. *ou have the right to re ain silent. Pardon y driving. Boils at anything and ay free3e any ti e. Anything you say will be is8uoted. we'd all fall off. Usage: ?ighly orna ental.if the world didn't suc!. Ca tion: ?ighly e-plosive in ine-perienced hands1 Element Name= /A>IM/ Symbol: R* Atomic Weight: 4H' T Physical properties: #olid at roo te perature but gets bent out of shape easily. As long as there are tests. Probably the ost powerful inco e-reducing agent !nown.. (each a an to fish and he will sit in a boat drin!ing beer all day.

Difficult to find a pure sa ple. >ew #eat Belt $A) (he national ?ighway #afety . aging sa ples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young sa ples. >eutrali3e by saturating with alcohol. Beco es e-plosive when i-ed with %ID Q.ouncil has done e-tensive testing on a .and so eti es fla!y. this ele ent rapidly deco poses and begins to s ell. Possibly a good ethane source. Chemical properties: Atte pts to bond with )" any chance it can get. Ca tion: In the absence of )". Also tends to for strong bonds with itself. Due to rust. Usage: >one !nown.le ent= .?I$DIM/C for prolonged period of ti e. 0ood sa ples are able to produce large 8uantities on co and.

A $IA. Besults show that accidents can be reduced by as uch as E&S when the belt is properly installed.1 .. (his is very I portant.....orrect installation is illustrated above. please pass on to friends and fa ily. (?I# /A* #A2. ..newly designed seat belt.

ducation= 4 5 D E Q.llen VUW Billy-Lac! VUW Bobby-Beth Ann #ue Age= UUUUUU Qif unsure. guessC #e-= UUUUU/UUUUUAUUUUU>ot sure #hoe #i3e= UUUUU$eftUUUUUBight "ccupation= VUW Aar er VUW /echanic VUW ?air Dresser VUW )aitress VUW Mne ployed VUW Dirty Politician #pouse's >a eUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 5nd #pouse's >a e= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Drd #pouse's >a e= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU $over's >a e= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 5nd $over's >a e= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Belationship to spouse= VUW #ister VUW Aunt VUW Brother VUW Mncle VUW /other VUW #on VUW Aather VUW Daughter VUW .Alaba a $icense Application $ast na e= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Airst na e= Q.hec! appropriate bo-C VUW billy bob VUW Bobby-#ue VUW Billy-Loe VUW Bobby-Lo VUW Billy-Bay VUW Bobby-Ann VUW Billy-#ue VUW Bobby-$ee VUW Billy-/ae VUW Bobby-.ircle highest grade co pletedC .ousin VUW Pet >u ber of children living in household= UUUUU >u ber of children living in shed= UUUUU >u ber that are yours= UUUUU /other's >a e= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Aather's >a e= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU QIf not sure. leave blan!C .

olor of teeth= VUW *ellow VUW Brownish-*ellow VUW Brown VUW Blac! V UW >6A ?ow any<UUUUU Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer= VUW Bed-/an ?ow far is your ho e fro VUW 5''-E'' iles VUW over E'' iles VUW what's a iles< a paved road< . please e-plain= UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU >ewspapers6 aga3ines you subscribe to= VUW >ational .n8uirer VUW (he 0lobe VUW (2 0uide VUW #oap "pera Digest VUW Bifle and #hotgun UUU >u ber of ti es you've seen a MA" UUU >u ber of ti es you've seen .Do you VUW own or VUW rent your obile ho e< UUU (otal nu ber of vehicles that you own UUU >u ber of vehicles that still cran! UUU >u ber of vehicles in front yard UUU >u ber of vehicles in bac! yard UUU >u ber of vehicles on ce ent bloc!s )here your firear s are !ept= VUW truc! VUW !itchen VUW bedroo VUW bathroo VUW shed /odel and year of your pic!up= UUUUUUU 4@EU Do you have a gun rac!< VUW *es VUW >o9 if no.lvis in a MA" ?ow often do you bathe= VUW )ee!ly VUW /onthly VUW >ot applicable .lvis UUU >u ber of ti es you've seen .

AB"M( (I/. P?*#I.If I told you once.. /"/ (AM0?( /. would you listen then<. AB"M( . ?") (" #"$2.A( /"/ (AM0?( /. . $"0I.A(?. IB">* .*ou better pray that will co e out of that carpet1.I.If I yelled because I saw a eteor co ing toward you.$. AB"M( B. . 0B.If you don't straighten up.?A2I"B /"DIAI. And ost of all. . /"/ (AM0?( /. /"/ (AM0?( /.I brought you into this world.$I0I"> . I've told you a illion ti es-don't e-aggerate1..A(I"> .B (AM0?( /./# . "A $IA. /"/ (AM0?( /. I can ta!e you out1.)?A( /"(?.>2* .If you're going to !ill each other.$ . "A "#/"#I# ./"/ (AM0?( /.#top acting li!e that . do it outside..It loo!s li!e a tornado went through your roo 1. .# PB"B$. #.(here are illions of less fortunate !ids in this world who don't have a wonderful /other li!e you do1. /"/ (AM0?( /.>. I'll !noc! you into ne-t wee!1. /"/ (AM0?( /. (" APPB./a!e sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident. /"/ (AM0?( /. that's why1.Because I said so. I 7ust finished cleaning1. AB"M( ?*P".#hut your outh and eat your dinner1.. .IB. AB"M( ). /"/ (AM0?( /.. /"/ (AM0?( /. (BA2. A L"B ).IA(.. A"B. /"/ (AM0?( /.. )?* /"/# AB.$$ D">.B . AB"M( (?.BI#* . /"/ (AM0?( /. B.#I0?( .%eep laughing and I'll give you so ething to cry about1. (?.

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