You are on page 1of 5

Mafia Girls Skit

Narrator: In the 19th century, Canada was owned by the Macdonald Family, whose territory reached from sunset to sunrise. Their reign was absolute, until the Metis National Family came along and openly defied their authority for the first time in the history of the Macdonald family. Louis Riel was a Metis from the Red River Settlement. Unwilling to waste his potential of becoming rich and famous, Riel went to Montreal for education. Riel: Damn these European looking down on us and calling us half-breeds. I am going to go to Montreal and get an education. When I come back I am going take over this settlement and protect its citizens from the devilish claws of the white devils. Training montage of Riel studying, doing push ups, and failing terrible at them (failing his tests, flopping in his push ups, and breaking his arm and crying) Narrator: After five years of intense training, Riel came back to the Red River Valley Settlement, determined to achieve his dream and create his own mafia family. Pointless bickering Riel: whatever, Im getting cheese fries. Narrator: Conquering gang after gang, Riel finally gained enough manpower to create his own family the National Metis Family. Riel: Mafias, Mafias in the cell, who's the greatest boss of them all? Mafia Members: YOU ARE BOSS!! YOU GO GLEN COCO!! Riel: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!! THAT'S RIGHT, I AM THE GREATEST MAFIA BOSS EVER. Mafia #1: Boss, you so great that even Sir John of the Macdonald family can't even hope to compete with you. Riel: Youre like, really supportive! Mafia #1: Thanks Riel: So you agree? You think youre really supportive? Riel: You, throwaway mafia character, don't you think that I am a much greater and more powerful mafia boss than Sir John of the Macdonald Family?! Mafia #2: No! I mean yes! I mean no! I mean nes!

Riel: Nes? Mafia #2: I mean no! Riel: No?! What do you mean I am not as good as Sir John? Do you plan to betray me and offer my head to him in exchange for a chance to lick his boots you treacherous dog? Narrator: Because of Riel's success in the Red River Valley Settlement, the National Metis Family received unwelcomed attention from the Macdonald Family. Sir John: slurred speech. So it appears that some half-breed in the Red River Settlement is getting too big for his birches. And thats why his hair is so big. Its full of secrets. As the guardians for this fine country, it is our duty to protect the sacrality of the classes and teach those mutts a lesson. I have this theory that if you cut off all his hair, hed look like a British man. McDougall! McDougall: Yes, sir? Sir John: Go to Red River Valley Settlement and teach that Mr. Riel a lesson. Cut off his new hair-do. McDougall: Sir, yes sir! Sir John: John Schultz will be waiting for you in the settlement, and you will receive further instructions from him. Narrator: And so, McDougall travelled to the Red River Settlement with a pair of scissors, making very careful he didnt run with them. Shultz: McDougall, I want you to send this to Riel. McDougall: Sure, but what's is it? Shultz: It's a surprise, you'll be sure to find out the same time Riel does. Scene transition Riel: Who are you and why did you send a letter that says I H8 U LOL McDougall: It's because you guys are nothing but mangy dogs who eats rancid meat, and how dare you demand to know why you deserve our hate. Isn't it obvious? It is because you are the products of bestiality and the foul, odious proof of fornication between civilized Europeans and native demons. OR Its just a hate letter get over it! Get in, loser! Were going over-the boarder shopping!

OR I dont know! I wish we could all get along like we did in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. Riel: What was that?! OR Do you even go here?! McDougall: You heard what I said. I am European and therefore superior to all of you (because I can bake cakes with smiles.) Riel: Well, while that goofball is baking his stupid rainbow cake OR buying his stupid clothes, let's go and arrest that insufferable Schultz before anyone else sends us hate mail. Narrator: And so the Riel and his minions arrested Shultz and his followers on the account of treason. Scott: YOOOOOOOO RIEL YOU'RE SO NOT FETCH! LET GO OF ME AND MAH HOMEBOYS RIGHT NOW OR IMMA BUST A BOTTLE ON UR @$$ (stage note: pronounce @$$ as at dollar sign dollar sign) I SWEAR RIEL, I GOT HOMIES IN HIGH PLACES,AND IF YOU HARM A SINGLE HAIR ON MAH HEAD, THEY WILL BE TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN. SO IF I CATCH YOU HUSTLING IN THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD EVER AGAIN, YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES. PEACE. Throw up chuck dooziz. Guard: Stop trying to make fetch a thing. Prisoner: He needs to stop. He's been blabbering these wannabe ghetto slangs from dawn till dust. Us fellow prisoners can't even get a wink of sleep. Guard: Oooo, kill em. Are you actually fine with the execution of your former comrade though? Prisoner: I am too sleep deprived to care. If shooting him can shut him up, then so be it. Narrator: Though the wild execution of Thomas Scott, the prisoners around him got some much needed sleep. Sir John: My friends. We are gathered here today in the memory of the Protestant Martyr Thomas Scott. Scott was fine, upstanding young man. He was kind, generous, and not afraid to stand up for what he believed to be right. He truly was the embodiment of the ideal Canadian. But the Metis, those filthy half-breed demons, saw him and all of his virtue. Heeding to the whisperings of their master Satan, the Metis constructed a foul plan to rid this world of the bundle of goodness known as Thomas Scott. The executioner, Louis Riel as well as one of the 72 children born between Lucifer and the adulterous Lilith. Friends, Mafias, and countrymen, if we do not stop the National Metis Family

now, they poisonous blood will contaminate our country and our souls will be condemned to Hell as demon fodder for allowing such an atrocious crime to occur due to our negligence. Riel: Stop right here! Sir John: Well, well, well, speak of the devil and the devil shall come. State your business Riel and depending on what you say, we may or may not force feed your family the stew that was made from your carcass. BTW, I love your moccasins. Where did you get it? Riel: It was my grandmas in the 1840s. Sir John: Ohhh, so vintage. Adorable Riel: Thanks

Riel: Whispers to person beside him That is the ugliest effing moccasins Ive ever seen. Anyways, Gentlemen of the Macdonald family, please hear my plea. All we Metis ever wanted was to be able to continue living in our land. We never dreamed of overthrowing your authority and enslaving you. So why is it that you hate us? Why is it that you prosecute us for being born. Why is it that you condemn our existence? Thou hath disgraced me, and hindered me half a million; laughed at my losses, mocked at my gains, scorned my people, thwarted my bargains, cooled my friends, heated mine enemies; and what's thine reason? I am a Metis. Hath not a Metis eyes? Hath not a Metis hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as an European is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?* Plus, my dad invented toaster strudels. Sir John: chuckles drunkenly. Was that Shakespeare? Copyright! As for the toaster strudels gazes stupidly off into distance then shakes head to snap out of it. Still, that was a pretty speech that you made. Very well then, I will grant the Children of the Metis 200,000 hectares of land, in exchange Riel, you must leave the country and never come back. If I ever see you on the territory of the Macdonald Family ever again, then as God as my witness, I will cleanse this Earth of your kind. Narrator: Thanks to Riel's sacrifice, the National Metis Family managed to survive the reign of the Macdonald Family.

* Copyright Shakespeare, our group does not claim to own the Merchant of Venice