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YOURE A TOWEL By David Pena with a tilde

Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

BATHROOM. INT DAY BRADBURY (Ryan Gosling) walks into his shower and begins to shower NARRATOR (PATRICK STEWART) (v/o) As our young and feeble minded hero, BRADBURY, enters his temporary sanctuary of solitude that is his shower, he begins to contemplate the issues of the world and the many struggles that he may be faced with in life. Camera slowly dollys in as BRADBURY has his DRIVE autistic expression of concern and mystery. Throughout all of this, BRADBURY goes through the steps of an effective shower, such as the application of soap and shampoo to the body. NARRATOR (cont.) Upon further analysis, the distraught protagonist of our tale begins to hypothesize over the potential struggles of this day, today, December 31, 2013. And as he finishes his process of physical cleansing of the germs, he is still unaware, yet anxious, of the many mysteries and adventures that lie ahead on the final day of the year. CELSIUS 233 MOON INT. So were in a room, inside of the moon. It has skylights and through the skylights, you can see the earth, resting in the black blanket that is space, waiting patiently for the warm mother of the son to come let the earth nestle from its bosom of warmth. MOONELVES! (peter dinklage as all of them) are working fervently on moonrocks, chipping away slowly so that when the astronauts return there will be nicely polished moonrocks for them to take back to earth with them. MOONELVES! 1 We must hurry! We must fervently polish these moonrocks so that when the earthmen from earth return they (MORE) (CONTINUED)



will have nicely, chipped away moonrocks to take back to their land! MOONELVES! 2 Yes!!! We must carefully pull out our 8 centimeter long brushs and carefully polish these moonrocks, yes. MOONELVES! 3 (BUT THIS ONE IS PLAYED BY ANDY SERKIS, NOT PETER DINKLAGE, BUT ONLY MOONELVES! 3) Moonrocks, my precious. MOONELVES! 1 Ah, but behold my moonelves of moon. I have come across the magical fungus known as shrooms that have been given to me by the earthmen, known as BRADBURY (played by Sean Connery). We must consume all of it now. All the MOONELVES! consume the shrooms, trip balls, and die. LOS ANGELES STUDIO INT. NARRATOR Ah, here we are, at INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO WITH PATRICK STEWART. PATRICK STEWART (PLAYED BY IAN MCKELLAN) Welcome to INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO WITH PATRICK STEWART, Im PATRICK STEWART, today, I went to a titty bar. Yes, you heard me correctly. I, SIR PATRICK STEWART, attended a titty bar. And youll never believe what I saw. At this, the camera skycam glides across and shows the audience in a tense, yet excited, expression of emotion, eagerly awaiting what PATRICK STEWART is about to say. PATRICK STEWART I, PATRICK STEWART, Captain Picard of the USS Enterprise, and Dr. Xavier, saw titties. And a one-legged stripper, named CLARICE (played by Gweneth Paltrow) (CONTINUED)



At this, the audience starts clapping in excitement! YAYYY PATRICK STEWART Now well bring out our first guest, everyone please welcome out CLARICE! CLARICE hops out to her chair. Since Gweneth Paltrow sucks, we actually amputated her leg for this role. PATRICK STEWART Ah, CLARICE, so happy to have you on our show. CLARICE Oh thanks, so good to be in a room with natural lighting and no strobe lights. PATRICK STEWART Yes, I can imagine the strain that that would put on your performance, my dear. Tell me, are your titties real? CLARICE Are my titties real? Are you really asking me, are my titties real? Well, PATRICK STEWART, YES! YES, MY TITTIES ARE REAL!!!!! The audience explodes into uncontrollable anger and begin throwing all of the items they can find at PATRICK STEWART and CLARICE. AUDIENCE MEMBER 1 (KEVIN SPACEY) HEY CLARICE! FUCK YOU. AUDIENCE MEMBER 1 throws a hatchet at CLARICE, and cuts off her head. He promptly places this in a box. This is how he actually got her head at the end of SE7EN. BED INT. BRADBURY (played by KEVIN NEALON) is laying in bed, contemplating suicide after he witnessed his girlfriend get eaten by deer.




BRADBURY (played by CATE BLANCHETT dressed as BOB DYLAN) decides to become a professional wrecking ball operator. BRADBURY Fuck this shit. Ill become a wrecking ball operator. AIRPLANE HANGER INT. MILEY CYRUS (actually played by MILEY CYRUS) gets naked and sits on a wrecking ball. NARRATOR Our savior BRADBURY decided to fulfill his dream of being a wrecking ball operator. His first job was to operate a wrecking ball for a music video, called wrecking ball, by Miley Cyrus. MOON EXT. ZOMBIE MOONELVES (all played by Gerard Butler) have begun to walk across the moon, in search for more shrooms and titties. NARRATOR (MORGAN FREEMAN) The MOONELVES have become zombified, and have begun to walk across the moon, in search for more shrooms and titties. As they wander, one of the MOONELVES poops out another MOONELVES. Due to the fierce climate, the baby moonelves die. All of the ZOMBIE MOONELVES cry, eat the baby, and begin marching again, chanting the name that brought them to this point. BRADBURY! ZOMBIE MOONELVES! BRADBURY! BRADBURY!

RYAN GOSLING, CATE BLANCHETT, KEVIN NEALON, and SEAN CONNERY are all different versions of BRADBURY in parallel universes. But the MOONELVES! are the same in every universe, and they worship BRADBURY who visited the moon (CONTINUED)



once. PATRICK STEWART is narrating the story, but his day job is THE ACTOR STUDIO thing, which is why we showed what he is doing when hes not narrating. THE END

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