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INT. STUDIO SET - DAY The scene opens with the rehearsals of a childrens television show pilot. The stage is dressed with bright colors. The backdrop is painted sky blue with fluffy clouds. Props include fake cardboard bushes and trees. There are four kids(10 years old) on stage, JONZ, KIP, STELLY, and ROBIN, all in costume. Accompanying the kids are two adults dressed in a full on bunny costume. Face powdered white with black noses. Their names, LANDY and DANDY. Landy is played by MAGGIE and Dandy is played by MARTIN CHAPMAN. The kids with the help of the bunnies, are trying to escape capture SCUZZ THE STINKY SKUNK, played humiliatingly by ANDY MILLMAN who has to be fit into a skunk outfit along with black makeup replicating a skunk-like face. JONZ Quick everyone! Scuzz the Stinky Skunk is coming! We have to keep moving or he will catch us! DANDY Kids! Follow me and Landy back to our place and we will all be safe. Scuzz the Stinky Skunk slowly trudges on stage from the left. Scuzz enters hissing and grunting. As he gets closer to the kids, he rears his rear towards the kids and makes a long farting noise. JONZ Oh no hes here! We have to work together as a team if we want to escape! KIP Youre right Jonz! JONZ Everyone stick together and follow Landy while-The director is MILTON MALDEAU. He thinks of himself as the most prestigious director in all of Britain, but he is the only one. He treats all of his projects as if he is directing a Shakespearian play or Schindlers List. MILTON MALDEAU Cut! Jonz, come here. I need to talk to you. Jonz walks over to Milton as others on stage walk off as if theyre expecting a long break.


MILTON MALDEAU (CONTD) Jonz, I really need you feel your character. You are the leader of the group and you need to instill command and confidence to your fellow actors. Use your voice and body to inspire courage in others so they see you as the leader because you act like one. What youre doing now is crap. It looks like youre having fun when youre in a life and death situation! Jonz just stares at him, teary eyed. MILTON MALDEAU (CONTD) Are you trying to sabotage your friends? Are you trying to get them killed so you can run off with Landy and have her all to yourself? No... JONZ

MILTON MALDEAU Then you need to start feeling the emotions and-Martin interrupts. MARTIN Sorry Milton, I-MILTON MALDEAU Mr. Maldeau. MARTIN Mr. Maldeau, I need to run back to the dressing room to put some ointment on this rash Im getting from the costume. Its a real pain. MILTON MALDEAU Ask yourself if Dandy the Bunny would waste time when so much is at stake. Would you sacrifice the childrens safety just to-MARTIN You know what, forget it. Martin leaves.


MILTON MALDEAU Now Jonz... Meanwhile, Andy and Maggie are hanging out off to the side of the set. ANDY I dont think I can stand this any longer. I went from staring alongside the likes of Kate Winslet and Sam Jackson-MAGGIE Dont be too modest now. Andy laughs. ANDY Still, this is below our standards. I cant believe you talked me into this. Maggie is staring across the set, looking at Martin. MAGGIE We havent had any work for two weeks, you should be thanking me. ANDY Yea thanks for letting me walk around in this humiliating suit for ten hours a day making hissing and grunting noises and taking advice from someone who thinks hes directing Citizen Kane. And I cant believe I still dont get any lines while these little kids are running around giving five minute expositions. What experience do they have? What are their acting credentials? Jealous? MAGGIE

ANDY No, just saying. Maggie is still staring across the set, giving little attention to Andy. ANDY (CONTD) What are you looking at?




Andy looks over and sees she is looking at Martin. Martin is writhing around is his bunny suit, trying to relieve the itch of the rash on his back. Already? ANDY

MAGGIE What do you mean already? ANDY I mean it hasnt even been three hours. MAGGIE Oh, but look at him! He looks so cute in that little bunny costume. ANDY (laughing) So when did you start getting into bestiality? MAGGIE Oh shut up, you know what I mean. ANDY Alright then, go on, hop on it. Milton is now talking to ANNE ROBINSON, the host of The Weakest Link. Andy sees this and recognizes her but cannot recall exactly from where. He walks up to a production assistant. ANDY (CONTD) Hey can I ask you something? ASSISTANT Sure Scuzz. ANDY Its Andy, but do you know who that is? Andy points over to Anne Robinson. Sure. ASSISTANT

ANDY Can you tell me her name?


ASSISTANT You should know, shes famous. ANDY If I knew, I wouldnt be asking you would I? ASSISTANT Probably not. Andy stands there looking at him for a few seconds. ANDY So are you going to tell me? ASSISTANT Ill give you a clue. Andy is not amused. ANDY (rolls his eyes) Fine. ASSISTANT The Weakest Link. ANDY Of course, Anne Robinson. Yep. Shut up. Whatever. ASSISTANT ANDY ASSISTANT

The assistant walks away. Idiot. ANDY

In another part of the studio, Maggie manages to approach Martin, who is still squirming around trying to relieve his itch. MAGGIE (jokingly) Doing a little dance over there?


MARTIN Not since my sister died in a dancing accident. MAGGIE Oh my god, I was just joking, cause you were all moving around and stuff and I thought it would be funny if I just made a little joke about it, but I had no idea about your sister or else I would have never made the joke because that would just be in bad taste. God, Im so sorry. I feel so bad. How is she doing now? MARTIN No, I said she had died in a dancing accident but that was just a joke cause I knew you were joking about me doing a little dance so I thought I would come back with something funny also but I wouldnt have if I knew it would cause you such distress, plus it wasnt a very kind joke to begin with, on behalf of my living sister and you. Im so sorry. Maggie stands there a little confused. Then laughs a little. MAGGIE (mumbles) That was a little awkward. She clears her throat. MAGGIE (CONTD) So what were you doing then? MARTIN Oh I just got this rash from the suit that is really itching and I cant reach it cause of this rubbish costume. MAGGIE Yea I get a lot of that too...Not the rash. I was talking about the itching cause of the suit...Let me help you with that. Martin and Maggie are both grinning. Martin turns around so Maggie could help him scratch his back.


MARTIN So I always try to get the names of people help me scratch my rash. Maggie squeals a little. MAGGIE Maggie. And yours? MARTIN Martin and that feels so good. Martin turns around to face Maggie. MARTIN (CONTD) So you wouldnt have said that little joke to me so you could approach me and somehow ask me to go on a date with you, would you? MAGGIE (without hesitation)


MARTIN Id love to. Maggie squeals a little again. Milton and Anne are still talking. We see Andy in the background about to approach them. ANNE Well if that Jonz kid cant play it straight, then fire him. I dont care much for weak links in my show. Andy stands to the side of Milton and Anne. Looking for a strategic time to come in. MILTON Ill go talk to him some more. Ill straighten him out this time or else hes gone. Andy has made his way into the conversation, smiling. ANDY You wouldnt happen to be talking about me would you? (laughs) No. MILTON


ANDY Didnt think so. Im a very experienced actor, rarely make mistake. Always the ones around me. Intimidated I say. (grins) Milton and Anne both look at Andy. Milton walks away. ANDY (CONTD) Just joking...Im Andy. I play Scuzz the Stinky Skunk, as you can probably tell. Great character. Anne just continues to look at Andy. ANDY (CONTD) Anyways, just wanted to say hi. Mrs. Robinson. Big fan of yours, the Weakest Link and all. ANNE You sure about that? Yeah why? ANDY

ANNE You didnt go ask someone who I was then come to me and pretend you knew? ANDY (nervous) No...of course not. Why? ANNE Had to make sure you werent one of those people. ANDY Noooo of course not! Big fan for years. Watch the Weakest Link every day. ANNE Its only on once a week. ANDY Yea, thats what I meant... Anne does not look amused.


ANDY (CONTD) Anyways, you here to check out the show? Thinking about playing a character in it? ANNE No, my production company is producing this show. One of the many shows we have under our belts. ANDY Oh wow, this is perfect then. I have this TV pilot Ive been working on for a long time. I think itd be great for your company. I have a copy in my dressing room if I can just go and grab it for you. Itll just take a minute. ANNE No, youll have to send it straight to Weakest Link Productions. ANDY Weakest Link Productions? Ironic name for production company. How so? ANNE

ANDY Never mind. Ill have my agent send you my script. Very well. ANNE

Anne walks away as Andy gives her a nod. Milton walks by, going after Anne. Andy stops him. ANDY Mr. Maldeau, dont you think my character, Scuzz, should have some lines instead of just making noises and sticking my bollocks in kids faces? MILTON MALDEAU That wouldnt be realistic would it? Since skunks dont talk.


ANDY (exasperated) Of course. Why didnt I think of that? INT. PARKING LOT - LATE AFTERNOON SAME DAY It is the end of the day. Andy and Maggie are both out of their costumes and are in the parking lot getting ready to go home. MAGGIE So I got a date with Martin! ANDY You didnt scare him off? MAGGIE No as a matter of fact, we are freakishly alike. Like the way we talk to each other and how we respond to each others questions. ANDY (laughs) Just what we need. Another you in the world. MAGGIE Oh shut up. Thatd be every mans dream...twins. ANDY You really like him? Yes I do. MAGGIE

ANDY Promise me to take it slow then. Dont scare him off. Oooookay. MAGGIE

Andy sees Anne Robinson walking to her car in the parking lot. ANDY Look its Anne Robinson. MAGGIE Whos that?


ANDY The host of The Weakest Link. MAGGIE Whats that? ANDY Its a game show. MAGGIE Whats the show called? ANDY (yells) Mrs. Robinson! Anne stops as Andy and Maggie run over to her. ANNE What do you want? ANDY Its me, Andy from earlier? I was in the skunk costume and makeup. I was telling you about my pilot script... ANNE And I remember I told you to send it in. ANDY The thing is I have it right here in my hand and if you could just take it and take a look at it yourself, it would save both of us a lot of time and trouble. ANNE Prove yourself worthy. ANDY What do you mean? ANNE Convince me to take your script myself. ANDY I dont know...what do you want me to do? Anything. ANNE


ANDY I cant think of anything, really, just... ANNE Okay then you can just send it in just like everybody-ANDY WAIT, wait. Andy does the hissing and grunting skunk dance, ending with him trying to shove his ass in her face. ANDY (CONTD) How about that? Thats what Ive been doing for the past ten damn hours for this brilliant show of yours. Anne seems impressed and amused. Maggie is trying to hold her laughter in but is not succeeding. ANNE (nods) You are not the weakest link, Andy, I will take your script! Goodbye. Anne takes the script and leaves. ANDY (dumfounded) Seriously what planet am I on? Jesus Christ... MAGGIE (laughing) So what show was she on again? INT OFFICE - DAY Andy is dropping by his agent, DARREN LAMBS, office to see if hes gotten him any better work. Andy knocks on his closed door and opens it without waiting for an answer, surprising Darren. Darren was stacking coke cans into a pyramid but quickly picks up the phone and pretends to be talking to someone as Andy walks in. DARREN (pretending to talk to someone on the phone) Ill call his manager and straighten him out. (MORE)

14. DARREN (CONT'D) Dont worry about him, he fears a man with power.

Andy is standing before his desk, staring at him. DARREN (CONTD) Yes...yes, Im still dating those two supermodels. (laughs) No, Im not going to introduce one of them to you. Okay, I gotta go. Darren hangs up the phone and stares at Andy. DARREN (CONTD) What are you doing here? Youre not suppose to be here. ANDY What do you mean Im not supposed to be here? Youre my agent! I can come anytime I want. DARREN No you cant. You have to make an appointment to meet with me and according to my schedule... Darren closely examines his computer screen to see if a meeting with Andy is in his schedule. ANDY You dont have to look at that. I can tell you I dont have an appointment. DARREN Im sorry I dont have time right now then, Im really busy... ANDY (yelling and annoyed) What do you mean you dont have time?!? YOU WERE STACKING COKE CANS FOR CHRISTS SAKE! DARREN No I wasnt. I was talking to a very important client when you came in. ANDY Yes you were, I saw you.


DARREN How could you? The door was closed. ANDY Theres a window in your door... DARREN Why were you spying on me? ANDY Why were you pretending to talk to someone on the phone? DARREN You have ten minutes. Andy rolls his eyes and sits down. ANDY Have you found me any work? DARREN Ive been looking real hard but unfortunately I havent. Darren is clearly lying. DARREN (CONTD) But the gig you got right now, I thought you like it. ANDY No I hate it. Id take anything to get out of that. Its been two weeks and you havent even gotten me an audition. What am I even paying you for? To sit around and twiddle your thumbs all day? DARREN Well I do have my two supermodel girlfriends to tend to and-ANDY No, forget about it. I dont have time for this. I was able to give my script personally to Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link. She has this production company called Weakest Link Productions-DARREN Brilliant name.


ANDY And Im feeling very good about this. I think theres a good chance theyre gonna pick it up. (begging) So I beg you, if you receive a phone call from them, do what you have to do to make it happen. Please. DARREN You know what Andy? Im going to work extra hard for you on this. Im going to make up for the lack of work Ive been getting you. Im going to get all the paperwork ready in case I get the call. Darren grabs some papers from his drawers and lays them on his desk. DARREN (CONTD) No, in fact, Im going to call them myself to follow up on your scripts progress to show you how dedicated to this I am. Andy, surprised, waits for him to pick up the phone. DARREN (CONTD) Not right now, but a little later when Im not so busy. ANDY Alright whatever, I have to go to rehearsals now. Andy begins to get up out of his seat. Darren extends his arm to offer Andy a hand shake but knocks over the pyramid of coke cans. Coke spills onto Darrens table and splashes onto Andys pants. DARREN (clears his throat) That wouldnt have happened if you made an appointment. INT. STUDIO SET - DAY This scene opens with everyone back in the studio for show rehearsals. Andy is talking to Maggie and Martin when Anne runs up to them, wanting to talk to Andy.


MARTIN Hey Mrs. Robinson, Im a big fan! ANNE Yeah whatever. Andy, may I talk to you over there? ANDY Yeah absolutely. Andy and Anne walk to off camera to another part of the stage. MAGGIE I still dont know what show she was on. MARTIN She was the Anne Droid on Dr. Who. Get it? MAGGIE But whats this Weakest Link thing Andy keeps talking about? No idea. MARTIN

Anne and Andy are talking some feet away. ANNE Ive read your script... Andy looks at her nervously. ANNE (CONTD) And I thought it was great. Definitely a show I could see my company developing. ANDY Oh that is such great news. ANNE I loved the characters, the writing was good, I liked the plot. I could really see this show going far if we do it right. ANDY Thats so good to hear. You dont know how hard Ive worked on it.


ANNE Of course, there are some parts that need to be looked over. Some things that may need to be rewritten. ANDY Absolutely. ANNE And I also have some ideas that could make it even better than it is now. Uh huh. ANDY

ANNE So I would very much like it if we could set up a meeting between me and you to just go over you pilot to work out the details and see what we will need to change. What do you say to my office tomorrow at 7:00 PM? Anne hands him her business card with her address on it. ANDY Yeah thatd be perfect. ANNE See you then. Goodbye. INT. FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT Maggie and Martin are on their date. Both are dressed up as they enter a fancy french restaurant. The lighting is low and the mood is romantic. Tables are lit with candle and all the servers speak french. Maggie and Martin walk up to the reservations desk. MARTIN Reservations for under Chapman. ATTENDANT (some random gibberish in french) Yes? MARTIN

ATTENDANT (some more french)


The attendant begins to walk them towards their table. Maggie and Martin follow him. MAGGIE I didnt know you speak french. MARTIN French, English, its all the same... They arrive at their small table in the corner. The attendant motions them to sit down and they do ATTENDANT (some more french) The attendant leaves them the menus and walks away. They both start flipping through it. MAGGIE Gosh this is so fancy. Im not used to this. MARTIN Well stick with me and youll be getting this type of treatment once every year or two. Cause thats how I roll. MAGGIE (laughs) Oh please... Maggie is trying to read the menu. MAGGIE (CONTD) I dont even know what any these things are or how to even say them. MARTIN Dont worry about it, Ill order for you. MAGGIE I dont want any frog or snails. MARTIN Who eats frogs and snails!? MAGGIE The french!


MARTIN Well were gonna have to test our luck then. The MAITRE D comes to their table to get their order. Speaking only french. MAITRE D (something in french) MARTIN (clears his throat) Well have the Martin tries a different page. MARTIN (CONTD) (clears his throat) How about the gem-jemas-jeemathrus(coughs) The maitre d is getting annoyed. He raises his voice MAITRE D (something in french) MARTIN You know what? Give us one minute. ONE MINUTE. Martin tries to use hand signals to get the maitre d leave. The maitre d doesnt understand so martin has to push him away. He finally leaves. Martin and Maggie are relieved. MAGGIE We got to get out of here! MARTIN I know...come on, lets sneak out. Martin grabs Maggies hand and they try to get out of the restaurant without detection. Halfway through, the maitre d comes out of nowhere and stops them. He is angry. MAITRE D (angrily in a french accent) What the hell do you think you are doing? MAGGIE HEY! You speak English!


MAITRE D Of course I speak English. You think I am retarded? MAGGIE (honestly) Well, kind of, before when you were trying to take our orders. Didnt you think so Martin? MARTIN (smiling) Oh yes, very much. MAITRE D (yelling) I dont give a crap! Why you trying to sneak out this restaurant? MARTIN (yelling and angry) HEY SCREW YOU! We aint gonna eat no frogs and snails! MAITRE D (furious in french accent) SCREW ME? SCREW ME? SCREW YOU MADDERFACKER. I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!!! The maitre d starts to chase Martin and Maggie. They both run out the restaurant and into the streets laughing. INT. ANNE ROBINSONS OFFICE - NIGHT Andy is meeting Anne at her office for their meeting. The office is medium sized, modest, has awards and pictures on the wall. Andy knocks on the door. Anne gets up to open it. She shakes his hand. ANNE Come on in Andy. Andy comes in as Anne begins to show him her celebrity memorabilia and family photos. Anne picks up a placard off a shelf. ANNE (CONTD) This is an award from the BBC for my guest spot on Dr. Who.


Very nice.


ANNE Heres a picture of my boys, George, Steve, and the weakest link in our family, Ricky. ANDY Is he mentally retarded? ANNE He always loses when we play The Weakest Link board game... ANDY Yea thats what I meant, of course. (mumbles) Cause everything that comes out of your mouth has to do with The Weakest Link. Excuse me? ANNE

ANDY Mentally retarded playing board games. Not retarded up here. Andy points to his head. ANDY (CONTD) But on the board. Im sure hes good at other things. ANNE Right. Anyways, lets get to business shall we? ANDY Absolutely. Anne sits down behind her desk. Andy in the front. ANNE Now the first thing I noticed in the script was the boss. ANDY Yea, he is based on a boss I had in real life. Everything he did, thats in the script.


ANNE I know the perfect actor to play him. STEPHEN GEORGES. Do you know him? ANDY No, but Im going to be the one playing him. I wrote him for myself since I know exactly how he acts and talks. ANNE I think Georges would we better though. ANDY How do you know? You havent even seen me do it. ANNE Well discuss that later then. Now the story is set in London. I was thinking of changing it to Edmonton. ANDY No. Why? London is very important to the characters. Why would you want to change it to Edmonton? Theres nothing even out there. ANNE It was where I was born. ANDY What does that have to do with anything? ANNE Lets come back to that then. Now for the director, Im sure youll like my choice...Milton Maldeau. ANDY Absolutely not. Nope. Andy is in disgust. A short sequence of time elapsed goes on with Andy and Anne discussing the pilot. Anne looks enthusiastic while Andys face is confused, angered, or disgusted. ANNE So what do you think?


ANDY (annoyed) Ill have to think about it...But, I have to go now, I have other things to do. Andy gets up and leaves. INT. MARTINS APARTMENT - NIGHT Martin and Maggie come bursting in Martins apartment laughing, eating a mouthful of pizza. MAGGIE You know, I would rather have really long legs with really short arms than really long arms with really short legs. MARTIN Oh, definitely. That way, we could run away faster. They both plop down on Martins couch. MARTIN (CONTD) I really had a wonderful time tonight Maggie. Me too. MAGGIE

MARTIN But before we continue, I need to use the bathroom. Be right back. Martin hurries to the bathroom. As he leaves, Maggie gets out her cellphone and calls Andy. MAGGIE (on the cellphone) Andy, are you busy right now? ANDY (O.S.) No I just got home from my meeting with Anne. MAGGIE How did that go? ANDY (O.S.) Horrible. Are you still on your date with Martin?


MAGGIE Yea, hes in the bathroom right now. I need your help! ANDY (O.S.) With what? Picking the lock? MAGGIE No, I think he wants to have sex with me. ANDY (O.S.) (alarmed) Does he have you tied up? Scream for help. MAGGIE No, I want to have sex with him too but remember you told me to take it slow so I dont screw it up? What should I do? ANDY (O.S.) Make up an excuse. To leave. MAGGIE I cant think of one. ANDY (O.S.) How about-MAGGIE Oh no, hes coming back. I gotta go! Bye! Maggie hangs up of cellphone and puts it back in her pocket. She tries to act normal just as Martin comes back. MARTIN As I was saying, I had a wonderful time with you tonight. MAGGIE (nervously) Me too. Martin passionately kisses Maggie and she accepts. MARTIN And you know what would make it perfect?




MARTIN If youd spend the night here with me. MAGGIE Oooh, I want to, but I cant. Why? MARTIN

MAGGIE I have something I have to do, back at my apartment? What? MARTIN

MAGGIE Oh you know... Maggie points an area of her body. Martin nods. He understands (but no one else does, not even Maggie). MAGGIE (CONTD) I really want to but I have to, you know. MARTIN (smiling)


MAGGIE Ill see you tomorrow okay? Goodnight. MARTIN

Maggie runs out the door. INT. STUDIO SET - DAY Everyone is getting ready for the live shoot of the show. The show progresses and everyone plays their part. Martin and Maggie (the bunnies) go backstage behind the curtains as their scene is over. Andy is also backstage in his skunk costume trying to avoid Anne Robinson. He goes around asking STAGE HANDS if theyve seen her.


ANDY Hey! You havent seen Anne Robinson walking around have you? A short red-headed, mean looking lady. No. STAGE HAND

ANDY If you do and she asks for Andy or a person in a skunk costume, tell her you havent seen me. Ill be hiding. STAGE HAND Pretty hard to hide in that costume, wont it? Shut up. ANDY

Meanwhile, Martin is trying to get out of his bunny costume while Maggie sees him. Martin stripping down his costume turns Maggie on so much that she cant resist anymore. She runs over to him and grabs him and starts making out with him. Martin accepts her as he cant resist anymore either. MAGGIE (between kisses) I want you. Maggie forces himself onto trip over a lighting stand onto the live stage as the They continue to go at it, their costume. Martin even more causing him to and through the stage curtains and kids are delivering their lines. rolling around across the stage in

MILTON MALDEAU (yelling excitedly) KEEP ROLLING! (to himself) This is brilliant. Its only natural. This fiasco brings Andy out of hiding to see whats going on. Andy looks at the stage. Oh no... ANDY

Out of the corner he spots Anne. ANDY (CONTD) OOOHHH Noooooooo...




Andy realizes he cant escape so he comes clean. ANDY Hey, about the pilot. Yea, I dont think I want it to have anything to do with you or your production company. Those changes you came up are absolutely idiotic and will make a complete mockery of the show. Sorry. ANNE Oh thats too bad you dont want anything to do with my pilot since your agent, Darren Lamb, I believe his name is, met with me early this morning and enthusiastically signed over the rights for me to start production. And by the way, youre the weakest link, and youre fired. Goodbye. Anne walks away while Andy is standing there stunned. In the background, Maggie and Martin are still rolling around making out on the set. INT. DARREN LAMBS OFFICE - DAY Andy busts in through the door into Darrens office. ANDY What have you done? DARREN Youre proud of me arent you? ANDY What have you done? DARREN Howd you find out about that? It was just a bit of soda stain on one of the documents. Okay, a huge soda stain but Im faxing him another copy of it right now so lay off a bit will ya. ANDY What are you talking about?


DARREN So you didnt hear about it? No. ANDY

DARREN Nothing then. ANDY (yells) TELL ME! DARREN The lawyer at Weakest Link Productions said the documents were not valid because of that huge soda stain that YOU caused the other day, remember? So I just need to fax him another copy of that page and everything will be a-okay! ANDY So Anne DOES NOT have the rights right now? DARREN Yeah but I just need to press this button-Darren points to the FAX button DARREN (CONTD) And everything will be fixed. Darren leans in to press it. Andy dives in to stop him. ANDY DO NOT PRESS THAT BUTTON!!! Andy stop him. Then he plants a big kiss on Darrens mouth. ANDY (CONTD) You just saved my sanity. DARREN Does that mean I get a raise? THE END

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