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(Dec 16th 1997 – Jan 6th 1998) Everyone’s gone away and I am alone with Sam and his dead. He looks at me when next I visit him and waits. What is it? What am I supposed to say? Have I missed something? Puzzled his eyes sear!h mine. "#on’t you want to know a$out the $a$y?% "I& you want to tell me% I sigh resignedly. "'he $a$y was (un% he says. )nd then I am assailed $y all the winds o& heaven with !horuses o& angels in my ears and I leap up. *y heart $ursts open suddenly with tears. "Him?% the $lood pounds in my &a!e. "He was the $a$y?% "+es% says Sam "It was him.% Dec 16th There has been a huge storm with gale-force winds. A tree on the hillside above the farm has fallen on the telephone line and I am cut off. And everyone has gone away. I’m alone on an isolated hill farm in orthumberland miles from civilisation with no one around. And I’m an orphan. I have been an orphan ever since my parents died !" years ago but I’ve always had Aunt #essie. This year with $hristmas coming% I realise that I have no-one. I seem to have entered a &one of tragic loss. 'hy are some people’s lives freighted with loss( )y mother’s too. It is programmed into me. A genetic predisposition to loss. *ven before I was born my mother lost her son% the child she left behind when she ran away with my father. It was her fault of course. +he was a bolter. A ,omantic. It was on ew -ear’s Day 1./6. I imagine a surfeit of party spirit developed into an amorous suspension of disbelief and a passionate leap into the void. +oon to be followed by the sad recognition that impetuosity is its own reward. #ecause the court awarded custody of the child to her husband% who never let her see him. +o ew -ear’s Day was a rende&vous with grief in our house. ot very flattering to my father% for it was a love match. 'hich eventually produced me in 1.60. 1robably to replace the lost child. It didn’t 2uite wor3 out as a 4ife 1lan though because I lost them both in a car-crash when I was ten. And now I have lost Aunt #essie too. It seems li3e carelessness. o wonder I loo3 so wet. And no wonder I am lost myself% a wandering planet in an empty s3y. 5elpless% and with a predisposition to call men +ir. I’ve been invited to 4ondon for $hristmas but I shan’t go. I’m not a bolter. And there is no place for partying in my heart. +am too is desolate and will not meet my eyes. 5e is li3e a man on a precipice% swaying towards the abyss% poised for the great leap forward. #ut I don’t thin3 he’ll ma3e it. 5e’s fascinated by suffering% and that 3eeps him in the game.

5e wants to tell me about 4aud% but I can’t face it. +o I tell him to write it down and send it to me. 5e says he had already written it when he was in America and will send me a copy. Dec !/th 5A11- $5,I+T)A+6 Am alone as planned. o tur3ey or plum pud% 7ust a silent wal3 on a dripping hill and a robin singing by the well. 8reat6 ew career 9 hermit.

CID New Scotland Yard MEM to Ch!e" #!$rar!an Mar% Slater.

Dec 26 th.

In"or&ed '( )t!ll re*a!r!n+ %o,r *hone a"ter )tor&. -lea)e contact when done. .e*orted )!+ht!n+) o" $o% '/N !n &an% *lace) on Chr!)t&a) E0e1 2ere"ord3 r4ne%)3 M,&$le) 2ead3 I)le o" 5!+ht3 Mar+ate3 St I0e)3 Manche)ter3 6lde$,r+h3 El%3 'lac4*ool3 Ed!n$,r+h and Ca&$r!d+e. Se0eral *hoto+ra*h) o" h!& were ta4en wh!ch d!d not co&e o,t. 6nal%)!) )howed 7no de"ect) !n other e8*o),re)3 $,t the)e )ee& to ha0e $een ),$9ected to a 0er% )tron+ l!+ht.: 5!tne))e) !ncl,de two '!)ho*) and an 6rchdeacon ta4!n+ M!dn!+ht Ma)). Increa)ed a,thent!c!t% al)o re*orted !n the a$o0e locat!on). ;ee* &e !n"or&ed o" ",rther de0elo*&ent). 2a**% New Year. C.S.<owlde). Detect!0e Ch!e" S,*er!ntendent o" -ol!ce. :an 1st ew -ear’s Day 'ell here we are and with all its tac3y resonances it’s only a day li3e any other. I am furious to be away from the office after ;owldes’ memo. 'hat lar3s eh( )I/ must be imploding. I finally get a grip and go to wish +am A 5appy ew -ear. 5e is worse. 5e has deteriorated and has reverted to his previous state. 5is face is battered% bleeding and scarred with nail-mar3s and cuts. There is blood on the wall too% where he has been bashing his head. And the drugs he is being given are poisoning him. 5e is drowning in chemicals% pale% bloated% mouth agape. I can’t bear to loo3 at him. +ister 4ewis says they’ll reduce the dosage <when he has stopped harming himself.= ;owldes is away% but there’s nothing to report anyway% 7ust a dense impenetrable stillness li3e a spell. I fight my way down to the river through storm damage to the cave% but am stopped in my trac3s. A huge boulder bloc3s the entrance and there’s no way in6 'here did it come from( And who put it there( +tupefied I sit on a log to ga&e at it. Then I notice a delicious perfume emanates from it. I thin3 at first I’m imagining it% but no% it e>ists% headily sweet and e>otic. Is it

I cannot spea3. Ten years of grieving for my daughter have not prepared me for this and I am at a loss.arm@ <These are for you too. <This is for you= she says% regarding me again and smiling faintly@ <5is name is 4aud. Thessaly is thirty-nine% a bit late to have a baby. o-one I 3now.The first seven Years <4iving at the heart of a mystery everything is revealed and nothing understood% so I’ll state the facts baldly without comment. Then she had a laugh that turned me inside out. The )ary I 3new was small and round with a diaphanous cloud of fluff for hair. +he leaves me holding the baby% staring after her. 'hen I get home I find a parcel from +am containing his script. And I cannot say a word. 'e do not e>change one word. )y feet 3now the way.= Then she drives away with Aunt . +he returns to her mother for the parcel and carefully passes it to me.lora in the bac3 of the car% wearing a hat li3e a soup-bowl. $arrying the parcel li3e a bomb I tac3 up the old 3nown path to the farm. I do not as3 you to believe me. 5er own tiny baby. It is long and slim. I do not 3now who this is. +he is holding a baby. ow she is crying. 'ho is the father( And why has she given him to me( 5e . +he’s given me her baby. +he loo3s at me steadily for a while% assessing me% then ta3es my hands to ga&e into my eyes% searching for something. Across the open grave stands a plump tired-loo3ing woman with grey hair. It costs me a lot to spea3 of it. I’m afraid there may be something wrong with him. This is Thessaly% the girl I first saw across my mother’s grave. It is our first meeting since I ran away. It happened. It is my daughter’s funeral and I’m forty years old? a blac3 tie and a cardboard suit with a brimming ring of 7etlag in my head. They have lowered the coffin into the ground easily% without strain. This is a tall person. +he seems to find what she is loo3ing for% for she says nothing% but 3isses me gravely on the chee3. LAUD GOODCHILD .the odour of sanctity( I sniff around trying to locate its source but in the end have to trail bac3 forlornly to the farm% none the wiser.= +he fishes in her poc3et for the 3eys to +eelyspring . +he hands the baby to her mother and comes to greet me% deliberate and unhurried.

. thing that is coming. The thing I have been waiting for has arrived% it is here in this parcel6 At once everything falls into place. And that night as I place the cot by my bed I find there is a photograph of )ary% age seven% on the dressing-table. Do not as3 this thing of me% I shall fail. A great terror has arrived with this coming and I cry out@ <I cannot do it. $ertainty has come into my life. 'ho is the father anyway(= +he rings off. The situation is urgent.= I reason frantically@ 5ow can a middle-aged man living alone on an isolated hill-farm bring up a baby( 5e must be fostered immediately. I am his and I will give my life to him. It is a AI44*. After )ary= <I can’t bring up a baby alone Thessaly. . A soft glow is emanating from the carrycot where 4aud lies 2uietly with open eyes. 1rimroses are in tiny bud and daffodils pod green among the dead winter grasses in the cold dar3 earth. 5e doesn’t move or react% 7ust lies there with open eyes% waiting. I am not worried or an>ious% I am T*. And yet I 3now it is only to be e>pected of my friend. I am filled with awe. <A Dua3er )eeting( A )others’ )eeting( Er a #oard )eeting(= <'hat is the problem )r 8oodchild(= <I want to get a baby fostered.= <-ou’ll need to spea3 to )rs Thursloe. I KNOW HIM! 5e is my friend% my dear friend% and I 3now him6 I cry out with astonished recognition. And as I change him% feed him% tal3 and sing to him% I am lulled and comforted and at peace.ma3es no sound. Didn’t she say there was something wrong with him( I unwrap one end of the parcel and loo3 in. 5uge wings fan my face and beat a great wind that lifts the coverlet and galvani&es the curtains by the window. And instantly I am afraid. +ocial +urfaces Bas Thessaly calls themC say )rs Thursloe is in a meeting.I. 5er bright floating hair and spellbound eyes send me to sleep contented and secure. +he’ll be in tomorrow. It is a moment of truth. 'here he is will be the sound of wings% the soul’s ineffable delight. Frgently.I*D. A fine silvery thread of sound spins from a sweet voice or instrument so rare it is as if the soul itself is singing in unutterable 7oy. It is too much for me. 5ow shall I be worthy of this baby( e>t day I ring up@ <'hy have you given me your baby Thessaly(= <I thought he would be company for you. Then I loo3 at the 3itchen table where Thessaly has laid out the entire contents of )othercare and mindlessly I start to re-enact the soothing rituals of babyhood I performed for )ary all those years before. 5elplessly I bathe him and put him to bed in the carry-cot she has left me% and he never ma3es a sound.= At lunchtime I ta3e the carrycot out into the +pring sunshine under the apple tree. )y face is wet with tears. I am awo3en by the sound of wings.

. +heep too. I pic3 him up from the clinic and drive home% my head seething with plans for the future. I need to be on hand in case 4aud needs me% so I will give up the 7ob in America and wor3 part-time in my old department at 'allbec3 8eneral.#irds begin to chime li3e bells as soon as we appear. During the summer they congregate in the garden. 1ulling strings I get 4aud an appointment with the 1aediatrician at 'allbec3 8eneral and go up to my old department while he is having his tests. As it’s uncultivated they do no real damage% and seem 2uite happy 7ust to be near 4aud% even if he’s asleep. The following morning a chaffinch is furiously piping its spring anthem on 4aud’s cot% with the cat from down the lane% a large snail% and a tiny furry creature that I ta3e to be a shrew all ranged in a row by its side. 5e is not frightened and will not go until he has finished. 4aud was undisturbed by his visitors.owler% a cheerful woolly-haired woman with three children living on a $ouncil *state. I will phone the hospital to get some tests done% and while I am there% maybe I could get my old 7ob bac3 and wor3 part-time( 1ic3ing up the carrycot I see there is a ring of daisies on the path where it stood. 5e seemed to live behind a glass screen% protected from . And the daffodils. +he can ta3e 4aud in two wee3s. The primroses have opened too. After a while they depart% and I decide to leave the window slightly open for access up the wall. I see his an3le is slightly twisted when I bathe him. It’s too early for daisies. I will turn the parlour into a consulting room so I can see private patients% and install a des3 and a filing cabinet and a new computer. $ows seem very fond of babies. 4aud is as good as gold% eating% sleeping% lying open-eyed and waiting while I change him.inally he bobs in satisfaction% loo3s round officiously% then flies straight out through the window leaving me to applaud and forward his fee. 5e never ma3es a sound. )y boss has retired but they are pleased to see me% are short -staffed and can give me as much part-time wor3 as I want. After that only the parlour window remains open so that the cows can loo3 in. A large robin is sitting on 4aud’s cot singing his heart out. 5e is the first of many visitors% furred% feathered% flying and crawling% of all species% shapes% si&es% habits and dispositions. They behave well on the whole? there is no fighting or showing off or soiling the floor% though there are some high spirits in the garden afterwards. At +ocial +urfaces )rs Thursloe 3nows a good foster-mother% a )rs . In daytime the bac3 door is a7ar until the day I hear a terrible rumpus and find a carthorse in the 3itchen. e>t morning I’m wo3en by birdsong in the bedroom. There must be something wrong with him. Indeed he was unaware of our presence.

'e were calm% absorbed% at peace. Arrived at the house I too3 the carrycot and wal3ed up the path. ot that my wife had had a se>ual partner . And I could also build up a modest private practice in my new consulting room at the farm% to augment our income.owler would cope with his visitors in a small semi on a housing estate. The door had been newly painted I saw. The father was not named. I found this painful and hard to bear.= +peechless I shoo3 my head and bac3ed down the path. #ut a panic-stric3en voice of reason once again reassured me that middle-aged men living alone on isolated hill-farms do not bring up small babies. En the way home I stopped in a lay by and sobbed helplessly for ten minutes. #ut now I obeyed it and pac3ed all 4aud’s )othercare stuff into the boot of the car.but I needed to 3now who was the father of this ama&ing being who now transformed my life so effortlessly. After a while )rs . As we ate a final lunch under the apple tree a red s2uirrel% a mole and a frog came to see us% and I wondered how )rs . And there of course he would be with women as well as other children. The tests showed no malformation apart from his an3le% but he did not react normally to stimuli and it was possible he was autistic.owler rang to say she was ready for us.she had the right to do as she pleased after all these years . #rightly clad women laughed% sang% danced and played with him in astonished enthusiastic voices% peering 7oyfully into his face while . Another moment of truth% despair% terror and overwhelming love. <I’m sorry6= I shouted. <5ello= she said% <-ou’ve come then. o reply. It meant I could combine his visits to the $entre with mine to the hospital% so it wor3ed out well.the world% in some celestial Intensive $are. I rang again and the door opened. The idea was to stimulate withdrawn children into response by bombarding them with sensory e>periences. In a 2uiet shell of stillness and trust as I bathed% fed and cared for him% I became cleansed% nourished and soothed myself. 5is birth certificate named him 4aud 8oodchild% and Thessaly had given her first name% so the mother was registered as )ary. I rang the bell and waited. <I’m sorry6= I put the cot in the car and drove bac3 to the farm. In time this voice became more frightening than reality itself and I learned to distrust it. After more tests it was decided to send 4aud to a $entre for 'ithdrawn and Autistic $hildren as soon as he was old enough% though they still didn’t 3now what was wrong with him. +he wasn’t in. I felt a surge of relief. +o from the age of two 4aud went to the special school four mornings a wee3.

D. There were hoo3s inside the well where they used to hang a meat-safe and a cold store% and we hung a buc3et on one..-.A. 5e drew a big circle. <). Ene day we were drawing at the 3itchen table. Another time I found him playing in the ha&el copse behind the house..A. The school had a record of good results and they taught him to do things for himself@ dress and undress% wash and use the toilet% comb his hair and clean his shoes.A. It was the first time he’d shown an interest in anything.-.= 5uge giggling followed this idea and to our great astonishment 4aud laughed too. <That is his name. +o I got some tools and we levered the old boards off and peered down the ancient tunnel to the teacupful of s3y at the bottom. 'e filled the buc3et and too3 it into the house. -our mother Thessaly was her mother too.A. I saw to my alarm that he had discovered the well% the old <seely spring=% and was pulling at the rotten boards that bloc3ed it up. <That is his name= gales of idiotic merriment% <5otcross-bun6= And after that we all called him #un.F. <That’s )ary= I said.showing him delightfully funny and creative things to do.A.).A. +. <-es= cried another child. It loo3s li3e a hot-crossbun. 4. *verything too3 time.A. 5e did things very slowly with great stillness and calm. )y daughter who died. I happened to be at the $entre when they showed him how to write his name. The famous . +he would have been your half-sister. I found it hard living with someone so closely% with no means of communication% and a great deal was ta3en on trust. 5e drew his cross in the circle.D. <5ere is your name= I said% and wrote 4. That day I made a heavy wooden well cover that was bolted down for safety and loc3ed when not in use. 5e even too3 it up to bed with him in the attic nursery. 5e did this every time they wrote their names. wrote 4aud. 5e still reacted to nothing? his face was serene and e>pressionless% as if he was waiting to be switched on. Then we dropped in a pebble to hear the tiny plop from a long-distant past. It was both painful and revealing% and I felt very e>posed. And here is my name. A face I thought. I was glad the picture of )ary pleased him. I made it with great care? it seemed to have some significance for me% some special function in my life.F. #ut then he put a large cross in it and lay down his pencil satisfied.A. Then he fetched the photograph of )ary we now 3ept on the dresser. To my surprise he wrote +. <5e thin3s it’s his name= said one of the children at last.= ).).

)y love for him was so e>treme% so passionate% that I felt re7ected.or him I did not e>ist. 5owever I did offer to give her a divorce if she wanted one. It was a great tribute to her generosity and good sense that we were still on spea3ing terms. I raged in fury and despair. I am only describing all this to e>plain what happened later when he went out into the world. 4et that be our epitaph. I wish I didn’t have to tal3 about this% but it is the heart of the matter and cannot be avoided% so you’d better 3now the worst. There is no point in moralising about it% he was luc3y to survive. 'hat 3ind of man could produce a child li3e that( Thessaly would only say <-ou’ll find out in good time. Instead here was this little child% this enchanted being% utterly complete and filled with unimaginable graces% for whom birds sang and flowers opened and unseen wings created heavenly music% who could have been brought by the stor3 from )ount Elympus so removed was he from all human toils and tangles% who never cried or showed distress or any natural feelings% and I could have AI44*D him6 5e never even +A' me. In the meantime I was shut out% e>cluded from his life. I was behaving li3e a child.= . Any small resentment% petty 7ealousy or meanness% any spiteful unworthy thoughts 3ept under wraps for decades would be e>posed when 4aud appeared. +o I found myself trying to provo3e him to elicit a response% doing things to upset him. It was a nightmare 9 li3e possession. I tried constantly to find out who his father was.5oly 'ater was unusually refreshing? it tasted nutty and slightly sweet li3e flowers% and we dran3 it often. ow comes the hard part. I wanted to 4EG* him% to be 4EG*D% to have a relationship. It hurt me terribly. *very light casts a shadow% and the brighter the light the dar3er the shadow. I began to realise there was a very strong energy in 4aud% but it was switched off. In fact I was on the $ommittee for $hildren’s 'elfare at the hospital. I would shout at him% ta3e away his food% hide his toys% threaten him who I loved more than life itself. And I loved him more each day. +he replied cryptically? <I thin3 we are both free now +am. 5e was waiting to switch it on. +ooner or later we all revealed our worst side to him@ all that was hidden% bitter% dar3 and poisonous. 5is face remained serene% immovable% loc3ed away. At the time I thought there was something wrong with me% but now I realise he had the same effect on everyone. It was intolerable. I had often wondered whether to tell her that we were brother and sister and had decided she’d been hurt enough? time seemed to be healing the wounds% better to let well alone. I had the tantrums he should have been having and became malicious and cruel in a way I couldn’t understand. . 5e could have been a battered baby% I could have been in 7ail. It had no effect. othing can unma3e what we have made.= I couldn’t blame her of course% I’d left her on her own for eleven years and she had a right to a personal life.

. I really can’t tal3 on the phone. I 3new only that I hadn’t seen either Thessaly or )ary whom I had missed so much.= I wanted to laugh. They are having problems .= <#ut surely eye contact is an achievement. Isn’t that what you want(= <)r 8oodchild my staff are threatening to leave. . I got a phone-call from )iss Anderson the 5ead of the $entre one day% to say they were worried about 4aud. I tried to help@ <'hat does he do to upset them(= There was an embarrassed pause. . . <That’s not 2uite what I meant. and .= I was annoyed. <4oo3s at them(= <-es. I found it impossible to remember my previous visit? it had the luminous unreality of a dream or a prolonged bender. . 5e was upsetting people. And I’m not at all sure he is autistic. 5e thin3s they’re barmy I thought. +he came to the point@ <)r 8oodchild% I’m afraid there’s something wrong with your little boy. . I thin3 you’d better come in and have a chat about it. . And something to do with $hristy and a barmaid.I had no idea what she meant and left it at that. It’s the staff )r 8oodchild. +o I felt she was always with us% and in some ways she was more alive for me now than during the terrible rupture of our separation. #ut I would loo3 at 4aud helplessly% 3nowing I was his% 3nowing I was pledged to him for ever and would never be free% and he did not even bother to ac3nowledge me. . That’s why I brought him here. <Eh yes the children li3e him alright. problems .0/ The +ummer of 4ove.= her voice petered out uncertainly.= It was a blue spring day and )iss Anderson’s study was lit by a large 7ar of daffodils in the window. . <Doesn’t he get on with the other children(= I as3ed. They are finding him very difficult. . 4aud saw to that by including her himself? he 3ept her picture near him in his line of sight. +ometimes I hated him. <'ell it’s when one of the staff is trying hard to stimulate him creatively% 7oyfully% you 3now . The room was bright and spacious with a soft blue carpet and chint& armchairs? a sane% happy% successful room% reflecting the personality of its owner. a laughing nameless girl . 1.= . . . . . 5ere my mind always started to reel and spin% so I concluded I’d been up to something.= <'ell of course there’s something wrong with him )iss Anderson% he’s autistic. )ary was part of our life at the farm now. I recollected The 'hite 5arte in 'allbec3 and a mirror with <'ills’ 'hiffs= on it. . = <-es(= <5e 7ust loo3s at them. and we played li3e children% running and laughing on +elly 5ill . I had not been myself in some way.

Do you ta3e mil3( The sugar is on the table. 5e could get dressed and do up his shoes and wash and go to the toilet% though he still did everything very slowly.= Don’t humour me I thought petulantly. 'ho cannot communicate or relate to the staff in any way. 5e gives the impression he is not yet ready and is waiting to begin. 5e was tran2uil and .= <'A+TI 8 5I+ TI)*(= I could not believe my ears.= <-es(= <'e may find ourselves adhering to the letter rather than the spirit. #ut I assure you he has no difficulty in communicating even if he cannot spea3.= <4aud does not approve(= I echoed fatuously.= <'hat do you mean )iss Anderson(= I heard my voice tremble. It is difficult to treat each moment as a moment of truth% and we sometimes fall short. And you say he disapproves of their teaching methods(= <)r 8oodchild your son is not autistic. <4aud does. I’ve never seen anything li3e it. The biscuits are by your elbow. <Anyway my staff have been very upset by it and have as3ed that he be removed. 'ill you have a cup of tea( 1lease sit down again. . . . If you have not been on the receiving end of his criticism you are fortunate.= +o that was that. 5e could read and write without effort and showed no trace of learning difficulties. This was clearly painful. . <'e have enormous pressures on us here 9 the children are not always easy as you 3now 9 and we all have ways of getting by% getting our wor3 done in a way that achieves results in the long term. #ut he ma3es huge demands on people and they’re not always up to it.= -ou can say that again I thought.= <*>cuse me. <5e cannot accept any behaviour that falls short of total commitment. And in the circumstances I cannot help agreeing with them. <5e has an e>traordinary capacity to inspire devotion in both children and staff. 5e does not approve. )iss Anderson smiled ruefully.= +he paused to sigh deeply and ga&e at the daffodils for support. <)r 8oodchild% I fear you have yet to meet your son. 'e are tal3ing about a small boy who is autistic.= <'5AT(= I gave a bar3ing laugh. <If you’ll try to calm down )r 8oodchild% I’ll do my best to e>plain. #ut she was good at her 7ob and made me behave. I fear we are wasting his time. <4aud complains about it. = <I’m sure no-one would complain about that= I reassured her. To be honest I don’t 3now what he is. +he paused to reflect.<'ell what then( 'hat I+ wrong with him(= my voice was now strident with an>iety. 'e are only human . 4aud was e>pelled at the age of si>. #ut in the short term . <I’ve been wor3ing with children with special needs a long time )r 8oodchild% but I’ve never met a boy li3e 4aud.

)eanwhile I had converted the parlour into a consulting room% moving the old armchairs into the 3itchen ne>t door% so we could rela> in there and listen to music or watch television. B ot uncommon in these parts as you 3now. )y first thought was to get him a child-minder so I could continue to wor3 in 'allbec3. As sometimes happens% several patients were in a volatile% distressed or unreasonable state% and the hospital refused me the urgent admission of one of them% claiming to have no beds. It had been one of those days. I didn’t realise then that the e>ternal calm was in direct proportion to a volcanic power within. Then I had a puncture on the way home% and by the time I arrived bac3 at the farm for my afternoon appointments I was late% bad-tempered and hungry. 5e was never alone. There was never a shortage of applicants. #ut the outside world still found him irresistible and he spent much of that year sitting in the garden surrounded by village toddlers or wal3ing on +elly 5ill with the local animals. It too3 some time to get him out. 5e seemed happy in the 3itchen% and I found he could coo3 a meal or ma3e brea3fast if he had plenty of time and was not hurried. It was not a ma7or misdemeanour. It seemed as if a constant guard was 3ept on him% and as soon as one protector left another arrived to replace him. +o all seemed to be going well. This new system seemed to give him the secure base he needed% and he developed practical s3ills@ he helped Gi in the house% and% astonishingly% sometimes even made tea for me when I got home. I was luc3y to find a village girl called Gi% who came in each morning to wash up% clean the house and ma3e 4aud some lunch. I was 7ust <adhering to the letter rather the spirit= as she put it% but I should have 3nown better. And now at last 4aud remar3ably began to ma3e progress.C +o it was all I could do to remain calm at half past si> when I finally closed the front door to find a young woman coming up the drive.H" to 6pm and as3ed . It was a huge relief to me to discover that he could play safely on his own 9 with Eon and 1eeti of course. I’d been wor3ing at the hospital all morning% where a patient in the 1sychiatric unit had cut loose% discovered the 3eys to a linen cupboard% loc3ed himself in and begun tearing up the sheets. o-one 3new their provenance% but they never left his side% even to go to bed. 5e came down from the hill one day flan3ed by a large blac3 dog on one side and a large white cat on the other. )y intense an>iety was lulled by this surface stillness. I e>plained that $onsulting hours were from !. 5e wrote their names down for me@ the dog was Eon and the cat 1eeti. Then the Ambulance +ervice had a brea3-down to their only reliable vehicle% leaving a manic gentleman roaming the streets? and the phone went dead.serene% in his protective shell% completely self-contained? nothing touched him from the outside world. Then I found he already had a minder 9 two in fact. And thus it was that I came to <3now my son= as )iss Anderson said.

It must have been very distressing and hurtful for a young child and I’m sure he suffered much. It was never personal or 7udgemental? I even got the impression that people were operating it unconsciously themselves when they needed to 3now the truth. I glanced at 4aud who was drawing pictures on the floor and got a bad shoc3. I was filled with terror and shame. Things came to a head when he was seven. 5e had total 3nowledge of what I had 7ust done and 3new me inside out. I have seen a similar loo3 on the face of a potter forced to re7ect an imperfect cup while unloading his 3iln@ detached disappointment. I noticed this when I saw the pains he too3 to avoid <nice= people. #aptism was a bi&arre notion? neither of us had ever been churchgoers and I was reasonably sure I wasn’t even a $hristian. Ef course the phone was out of order. )oreover I had an uneasy feeling it would be ta3ing the war into the enemy camp in some way. 5e saw right through me and showed me that he 3new. I was not in the mood to appreciate this e>hibition and left her to calm down while I poured myself a stiff drin3. And I 3new what )iss Anderson meant. 5e loo3ed right into me with a voltage that nearly stopped my heart. Things changed after that. 'hen I got bac3 to attend to her she had gone. It was 2uite impersonal. I became more observant. In which case I . +o this was the state of play when I went bac3 into the 3itchen to flop into my armchair more dead than alive% pour myself another drin3 and switch on the television. +omething had happened to him. 8ood behaviour seemed to demand a proportionate revelation of the horrid truth. It was as if a powerful searchlight had been switched on and shone straight into my eyes.her to ma3e an appointment ne>t day. 5e was protecting people by switching off% because when he switched on it could blow a fuse. #ut Thessaly said I was to as3 4aud% which I did% by saying I had no opinion on the matter% BuntrueC% but that if he wanted to be baptised he would need a new suit. I suppose I mean that I changed. They switched him on li3e a searchlight. +o did my son <loo3= at me that day. Thessaly insisted he be baptised because <seven is the age of *nlightenment=. There was no 7udgement in his eyes% no accusation% 7ust 3nowledge tinged with regret. I was not too worried% as I 3new the young lady had a history of attention see3ing and staged suicide bids% but I phoned the 1olice anyway to as3 them to 3eep an eye out for her. I began to realise that it wasn’t true that 4aud had no relationship with people? 7ust that the relationship was at such a deep level it could not be e>pressed in a socially acceptable way. At this she began a screaming tantrum% flinging her fists in the air% stamping her feet with rage% and finally lying down on the gravel to drum her heels on the ground.

Ether presents would come with the family from -or3shire in time for the service at half-past-two. +he made me sit down and clean our shoes to 3eep me 2uiet. <'hat for(= I as3ed. 5e’ll be bac3 in time. . <1lease don’t wal3 there )r 8oodchild% I’ve 7ust done there. 5is bed had not been slept in and Eon and 1eeti were not there either. . <5e’s alright= she said. I thought it best to e>plain that 4aud had communication problems but seemed 3een on the idea% and would the $hurch have any ob7ections( BAll the time I had a sense of foreboding. +he thought 4aud had gone for a wal3 to clear his head. Those who have waited for a missing child will 3now the feeling. +he loo3ed at me wonderingly.= And as I still didn’t understand@ <To pray6= <To pray(= I was bewildered.= In despair I sat down to 4aud’s birthday brea3fast on my own. I’d bought him an e>pensive sleeping-bag as a present and it was lying gift-wrapped by his place on the brea3fast table along with his cards. I thin3 you will find 4aud is alright. The 1olice said they’d send someone round% and in the meantime I roamed +ellywic3 by car% calling bac3 at the farm every so often to see if he’d returned. 5e’s probably on the hill. <Don’t panic. <5e may have wanted to prepare himself.C Apparently the $hurch was happy about it provided 4aud 3new what was going on% so I told Thessaly% who said she would <stand in= for )other on the day if I would be father. <#ut he doesn’t 3now any prayers6= Gi was losing patience with me. I 3new it was as3ing for trouble and I had visions of 4aud <loo3ing= at the Gicar during the service because he wasn’t doing it right. <'hat of it(= <)r 8oodchild%= she spo3e patiently as if to a child. 5e settled it by going to sit in the car. And waited. 5e wasn’t there. <Isn’t he getting baptised today )r 8oodchild(= <-es that’s right= I said in irritation. +o I bought him a grey suit in which he loo3ed embarrassingly angelic and we went to see the Gicar. And when that child is handicapped .eally6C 'e decided to hold the $hristening on 4aud’s birthday% which was a Thursday% because we’d planned to go camping that wee3end as a birthday celebration. -ou’ll see. I A *' something li3e this would happen6 'hat was I to do now( 1hone the 1olice( I wondered if I could get through to Thessaly in -or3shire before they left. B.would ta3e him shopping in 'allbec3 after lunch. It was unli3e 4aud to oversleep and when he didn’t come down to brea3fast at eight o’cloc3 I went up to the attic to wa3e him. 5e’s got Eon and 1eeti with him.= . Gi was getting the house ready for the $hristening Tea% ba3ing ca3es and ma3ing sandwiches.

'hen 4aud returned I got him washed and into his grey suit while he had some tea and toast and opened his cards. All went according to plan at first though there was a mighty stillness in the place as if it was holding its breath in anticipation. And I saw that the great stone was ringed with is a mysterious and wonderful age.right up to the sarsen stone.the humming was deafening . 'ith his soft brown hair combed and his shining face he seemed to glow with an inner light.En the hill6 Ef course he would be on the hill6 I rushed out of the house clutching 4aud’s shoe in one hand and the polishing cloth in the other. A most glorious anthem of celestial music rose from the font% a rapturous outpouring of celebration and praise% and 4aud began to glow with the same mysterious radiance I had noticed that first night. )y presentiments seemed to be without foundation. And there I had to stop% for Eon and 1eeti were barring the way. <The bells are ringing themselves6= . And the small figure of 4aud was indeed on his 3nees in prayer. Thessaly shouted <5allelu7ah6= and fell to her 3nees% while the Gicar burst into tears. And at its height the church bells began to peal wildly% deliriously. +heep6 I wailed inwardly in despair. 'e got to church on time. And this seemed to be the signal all had been waiting for.ather% the +on% and the 5oly 8host% and all hell bro3e loose. This was too much for the Gicar@ <The bells6= he sobbed <'ho ordered the bells( It’s a hundred pounds to get the bell-ringers out6= <There are no bell-ringers6= yelled . Thessaly was right . The church doors burst open to the sound of a mighty wind and the air was filled with the beating of gigantic wings. *ven Eon and 1eeti consented to remain outside% although my e>perienced ears were attuned to the sound of animals 2uietly gathering in the church porch. En and on I climbed feverishly . 5umbled and ashamed I went down the hill to finish his shoes and tell the 1olice I’d found him. 'ith one accord all the birds of orthumberland began to sing in the churchyard outside. And the animals 7oined in@ mooing% baaing% bar3ing% whinnying% the noise was deafening. 4aud loo3ed unnervingly serene and angelic in his new suit% and I was fearfully proud of him. +uddenly I realised he’d been there all night. They’re the worst6 Then came the moment when the Gicar anointed 4aud with the holy water in the name of the . I could hear snuffling and heavy breathing and a swiftly curtailed <#aa-aa= from an e>cited young lamb. A white dove flew in through the open door and circled around his head% glinting and shining in the rainbow colours from the stained glass window.oster above the din.

Ahead of us on each tree and bush birds of every sort hopped and flew from branch to branch in escort.oster had his ear to the font trying to discover where the music came from% and . #utterflies% bees% moths% dragonflies and ladybirds hummed overhead% and a million frogs% toads% newts% sna3es% worms% ants and tiny beetles thronged the hedgerows.lora was racing down the aisle in pursuit of her large cart-wheel hat blown off by the wind. $ows% horses% dogs% cats% sheep% pigs% goats% don3eys% rabbits% voles% mice% hedgehogs% fo>es% moles% weasels% bats% hares% rats% geese% badgers% stoats% hens% guinea-pigs% ferrets% shrews% s2uirrels% four 3inds of deer% and all the birds of $hristendom were congregated% singing and clamouring at the tops of their voices as 4aud appeared. 'e can’t have these animals roaming wild all over the countryside. I grabbed her arm. At this all of them sat or lay down obediently% their eyes fi>ed on his face. 4aud turned to smile into the eyes of the younger one who gasped and sat down in the water. <. .iver where two men were fishing% ga&ing up astonished at the procession as we passed.or 8od’s sa3e get a hold of yourself and let’s try to get 4aud out of here before anything else happens6= In the porch a group of toddlers was waiting for 4aud with posies of wild flowers% though they soon had to ta3e refuge in the church from the sea of animals outside. <'hee6= . <'hee6= he shouted as he felt the wings go over. This was their finest hour. In the gardens that we passed flowers opened and grasses sprung into bloom.The air was mad with sound. As this immense procession of carnival birds and animals wound through the village and up the hill to the farm% trees burst into early leaf and shrubs blossomed out of season. At the front Eon and 1eeti stuc3 very close to 4aud% their heads held high and loo3ing straight ahead. <5allelu7ah= she moaned. $hristy was duc3ing behind the pews as the wings lifted the white hair on his head and laughing li3e a small boy at a fly-past. 4aud seemed 2uite unperturbed and his glow was increasing if anything.= +o he led them into a field on the hillside and mounted a large stone at the top where he could be seen.ish 7umped as we crossed the bridge over +tony . 5e loo3ed round smiling to see if we were en7oying the show. . A few e>cited young animals found it hard to settle% so he had them up at the front% and was soon surrounded by a ring of bouncing puppies% 3ittens% lambs% baby rabbits% piglets and leverets. As we approached the farm the e>citement grew and I said to 4aud@ <-ou’ll have to do something about this. 5e held up his hand to silence them and moved his palms 2uietly downwards. Thessaly was still on her 3nees% roc3ing to and fro% with tears of ecstasy pouring down her face. Eon and 1eeti were valiantly defending the church steps% but the graveyard was a mayhem.

'e got on better in a natural environment? I didn’t carp and bully so much and 4aud seemed to en7oy himself almost li3e a normal boy.lora’s handbag% and the sheep that always went the wrong way. . +oon the path became so overgrown that we were forced into the old river bed% crunching along a gravely beach between crumbling sandy cliffs covered in vegetation and into the night we tal3ed 9 of the tiny hedgehog $hristy found curled up in his hat% the pig in the vestry offering cabbage-leaves to the Gicar% the heifer that carried . 'e never saw them again.'hat happened ne>t is hard to e>plain. I wanted to turn bac3 here% but 4aud 3ept going far ahead of me% I could see him . +o passed 4aud’s baptism.riday afternoon following his birthday I par3ed the car by the river and we put on wellies to bac3-pac3 along the ban3 in search of a camp-site. After about half-an-hour he got down and opened the gate for them and they all filed 2uietly out% ta3ing a drin3 at the horse-trough as they left. The family returned to the farm with hearts full and eyes shining with memories. #ecause in two days 4aud was gone. Thessaly 3new it would happen but said nothing. En the .oster chasing the myopic sheep that made straight for 'allbec3% Thessaly in a new flowered hat filling the horse-trough and finding it full of duc3lings% the Gicar trying to shield his bible from the depredations of the circling dove and calling <Eut you go6 Eut you go6 'e don’t want any messes in here6= and Gi bravely holding the gate against the oncoming army and wailing <Don’t let them come in here )r 8oodchild% I done the floors this morning6= And I 5A11-% fantastic as it seems now. 5ave you ever wondered about redemption( That we may perhaps be more useful unredeemed( And that is why some of us are unredeemable( ow that he is dead I have to live with that. I was manipulated% I see that now% goaded by 4aud to treat him as I did. 5e used my own self-hatred and self-disgust against me for his own ends. 'ho 3nows what friendships were formed on the way home( And Eon and 1eeti went too.lora powerfully fragrant in a flounced pin3 dress rescuing a panic3y hen while $hristy sorted out a 2uarrel among the pigs% . 4aud and I had made several trips into the forest during the previous three years and had often camped there in the summer. I would have said 4aud tal3ed to them if he’d been able to spea3% because the vast crowd had every ear and whis3er strained to catch his meaning% and they seemed to understand. And that’s how the story should have ended 9 with the young boy on the hillside% his fragile head lit by the setting sun% the silent throng of breathing animals listening spellbound then trotting home to their nests and byres% . Then the 7ungle pushed us into the stream itself. #ac3 where they came from.

I need to describe #un. e>t morning we went e>ploring. o-one had been this way before. Er waiting. #ut at . It was a volcanic power source concentrated elsewhere. It was very tangled and overgrown and once again I wanted to turn bac3% but 4aud was out of sight by now% fighting the vegetation. 'hether it was the baptism or finding the cave I didn’t 3now% but he was actually present with me for the first time in his life. +o you felt e>cluded and shut out.splashing water into his wellies and I was beginning to feel annoyed. Infuriated I had no choice but to follow% forcing my way through the vegetation straight into the ban3. 'e were wading pac3-laden through overhanging willows% dense birch-saplings% cresses and s3in-tearing blac3berry vines. 5e always wal3ed with a slight limp of course% but apart from that% when he was switched off% he made very little impression. )y heart was very full with happiness and hope that morning. As we settled to sleep beside the dying fire I felt the tender future wa3ing in my hands and prayed I would have the wit to foster it. 5is face was bright and alive 9 normal almost 9 and his eyes glowed with pleasure. 'e found an old watercourse by the cave entrance that formed a path up into the forest. -ou noticed only his intense stillness% his eyes cast down unfocussed as if he was listening. I felt very tearful and couldn’t spea3. #ut although he was absent% he was never dreamy or vague. 5is movements appeared more confident now and an unmista3able change had come over him in the last twenty-four hours. That night 4aud christened his new sleeping-bag% unrolling it carefully and sha3ing it out to fluff it up as I had shown him. And there we were in a cave. Trac3ing our way bac3 down to the river it was a 7oy to follow 4aud through the forest% crashing and leaping% bounding through the undergrowth li3e any normal seven-year-old. Then I got my big power torch out of the car so that we could e>plore the cave. Then he disappeared. To my surprise and irritation I saw 4aud force his way into a tangle of branches at the water’s edge. 'e had come out on the hill behind the farm. 5e was not other-worldly. After two hours climbing and sweating we emerged into a ha&el copse that seemed familiar 9 and sure enough% there was our well at the centre of it. #y this time I was tired% wet and hungry and the pac3 straps branded my shoulders li3e red-hot iron. +o this was to be our wee3-end camp-site. In a large% dry% well-aired cave 4aud was sitting on a stone building a fire as if he’d been there all his life. 5e even smiled at me. I hardly dared to breathe. 5is hair was light-brown and fine% his eyes grey% his build slender and graceful. I unloc3ed the well cover using the 3ey I’d hidden in the wall% and we had a drin3 of water.

<-our name is written on this dis36 4oo36= 5e regarded me 2uietly for a moment then too3 the pendant with infinite gentleness as if in a moment of prayer. And real. 5e was crying6 5e was reading the pictures6 5e 3new what they meant6 5e sat down on his stone with his eyes closed and his face rela>ed in incomparable relief 9 as if he had come to the end of a long% long 7ourney. A ring6 5e slipped it on his finger% too3 a deep breath% straightened up% and seemed at once to increase in stature and confidence. The golden afternoon was still% suspended in the moments before action% stretched and e>pectant. <#un6= I whispered in awe. 4i3e living with an une>ploded bomb. #ut though it was uncomfortable beyond belief% it was never personal. 5e traced with his finger some scratches on the stone% very primitive and faint% they loo3ed li3e pictures of some 3ind. It loo3ed li3e a design of some 3ind. -ou were stripped na3ed and e>posed to yourself without 7udgement or comment. Inside the cave it was dar3 and dirty and I went first with the big torch% lighting up the floor. Amongst the rubble and debris I saw something round% li3e an old pottery disc covered in dirt% lying by the wall. All your illusions were revealed% shabby% dusty% shifty and pretentious. Then I gasped. 5e did not 7udge you? you 7udged yourself. -ou were left feeling love% shame and terror% a desolate sense of worthlessness% and a piercing longing for relationship as passionate and intense as life itself. I put on my glasses to inspect it and rubbed it clean. The cave was silently accumulating power and an almost intolerable peace. It was his cave. )y legs gave way and I sat down in the dirt unable to move% watching 4aud search the wall again and find scrawls 9 children’s drawings of eyes% faces and sunsets.the same time it was e>citing. 5ow that might be I had no idea but his name was on the wall and he was filling the place with his spirit. 5is period of waiting seemed to be at an end and something was about to happen. In agony I ached to stop it coming but could do nothing. I never 3new anyone who wasn’t changed by it. At that moment I realised he had come home. It was a cross-in-acircle with a hole in it as if for a pendant. I could not move or spea3. After a while he found a decayed leather pouch hidden in a crac3% and e>tracted a small metal ob7ect. $arefully he inspected it% then used the torch to search the wall above% reminiscent% abstracted. . And there was the sign again 9 the hot-cross-bun. 5e awo3e you abruptly from deep sleep% shoo3 your whole being% and made you free% conscious and alive. En the rare occasions that he switched on% you were never aware of his appearance% only of your own feelings. 4aud was breathing heavily now% almost sobbing with 7oy 9 the first emotion he had ever e>pressed.

+he is your mother you see. +omething had happened. 5is eyes were very clear and direct.= 4aud loo3ed up all attention% the firelight flic3ering softly on his face. I’ll bring you some provisions% and you can come up the path by the short-cut if you feel lonely or nervous. Abruptly 4aud got out of his sleeping-bag% pic3ed up a pointed stone and began to draw on the wall@ . <That is your half-sister )ary% not your mother= but my heart was pounding. I saw he’d brought the photograph of )ary with him. 5e loo3ed up% his eyes full of tears% and nodded. 1rivately I meant to come down to 3eep an eye on him.= 4aud shoo3 his head again and rolled over to reach for his ruc3sac3.= 5e nodded% his face rapt with 7oy. I cleared my throat again. 5ow could he stay here alone( A seven-year-old in a cave in the forest( <I have to get bac3 to wor3. < o #un= I said gently. #ut you can spend a night or two here if you li3e.= I felt as if I was drowning and too3 a deep breath. <I’m not your real father 4aud. I was bas3ing in this precious moment. I wish it was me. +he was having a tough time and I said I’d loo3 after you. I felt sic3 and ill. #ut I too3 you over from Thessaly. <#ut she is your mother and loves you too. I slept beside him helplessly% too wea3 to fight.= I loo3ed at him.*ventually 4aud lay down on his sleeping-bag and drifted into an e>hausted sleep. I too was crying. < o #un. <There’s something I promised myself to tell you when you were seven= I said at last. I was astounded by the change in him.= After supper we put our air-beds near the fire and snuggled down in our sleeping-bags. I felt a 3nife enter my heart.= This was the best I could do. The thing had started. <Do you want to stay here #un(= I as3ed in despair.= 4aud sat up and pointed at me. <.= 5e shoo3 his head violently. 5e was inhabiting his face fully for the first time in his life% as if at last he felt safe and could trust himself to feel. 'hen I awo3e he had lit the fire as I had taught him and was boiling a 3ettle for tea. 5is face was alert% attentive and still. )y palms were sweating@ <And because you are so precious to me I won’t hide anything from you. <'ell I 3now she deserted you% but try not to feel too badly towards her. 'e had never been so close. <#ecause nobody ever told me% and I wished they had.ight= I said bris3ly% <then let’s get some supper ready. +leepy and happy% trusting at last% he still held the clay disc in his hand. I wish I did. <I don’t 3now who your father is. <I’m only telling you this because I love you= my voice was constricted and I cleared my throat.

+urely the boy couldn’t have heard the family secret( 'ho could have told him about $hristy( #ut the stone continued@ The spelling was odd but the facts were right.= )y heart pumped violently. <-ou don’t 3now what you’re writing= I said <I thin3 you should stop now.< ow come on #un= I said% <This isn’t li3e you. -ou never even met her. I was sweating with fear. Then he repeated the first one@ .= The stone moved again@ )aya was )ary but who was Aristi( I went cold. -ou can pretend I’m your father if you li3e% but )ary is your dead half-sister and my daughter.

'as it more than a dream( 5e was still loo3ing into my eyes. I wrenched at my sliding mind . . . . And how could I be his father( 'hy I hadn’t even seen )ary since she was seven. . The only women I’d had were in my dreams. . +he wanted me. 'hat 5AD happened( . . . . . . chanting nonsense rhymes and laughing . 5e was prising me open.and I rela>ed again. . . I laughed. . . #ut I fuc3ed her6 )y own daughter6 <I want it= she said. . . . 5e was 7ust fantasising li3e all children. . . it’s alright% it’s alright% it’s unthin3able . and still he held my eyes. . +he was tall. That radiant girl% my shining soul weeping% holding me close .ebruary 9 )arch was it( 5ow many months( Di&&ily counting on my fingers . put it up her . . <I want it now6= DE ’T6 . )ay( . It gave me a warm glow of comfort that he wanted me for his father. . I remembered it all now% she had wept with passion and desire and I had ta3en her on the hill% her s3in had smelt of the sun% she was $hristy’s girl. . . . when was that meeting on the hill( 'hat time of year( *arly summer . ot my daughter. . And when did )ary die( $old. DE ’T T5I A6 . . *arly spring. 5is eyes grew clearer% more intense% as he loo3ed into mine. 4i3e that dream I’d had about +elly 5ill . . . +uddenly I remembered@ she was $hristy’s girl6 That’s right6 It all came bac3% she had made up to me in the pub. I had ta3en her from $hristy. . we played li3e children . <EA. 'hat did it mean( 5ow could my dead daughter be his mother( It was impossible. . 4aud shifted. I stuffed on my boots% do up your laces% yes did up my laces% and pic3 up your par3a% yes pic3ed up my par3a% running up the path through the forest% up the trac3 to the farm . . . . . ine months6 E6 A sic3ening E6 e>ploding from my bowels. . her s3in% her s3in smelt of the sun . . )ust have been :une. . . . my thoughts racing in terror . . And all at once I was bac3 on the hill% my mind reeling and spinning as usual . . . Did it really happen then( . )y heart turned over. Then who was she( 'ho( . 4et’s leave it now and get some sleep. and I put it in . . :une( . o not again6 E6 . . . And as for my producing offspring myself% I 3new only too well I’d been impotent since the day $hristy told me I was his son. . EA. . . #ut still 4aud loo3ed at me and my soul was unable to loo3 away% lost% writhing% screaming E6 ot )ary6 . the irresistible% breathta3ing union that consumed us .the nameless barmaid . A barmaid. . . .= #ut 4aud put the stone down 2uietly and turned to loo3 me directly in the eyes. 8et bac3 in your sleeping-bag #un% you’ll free&e to death out there. <5ave it your own way. . . . . she’d made a bower with flowers and leaves 9 then 4aud’s eyes seemed to snap and suddenly my mind came into focus. . . . . . . . .

. but her thighs% E6 E6 . and the earth is bitter% bitter and gritty% is eating me% swallowing earth% it’s too filthy.= <)A. That filth. <-es. Through the thunder I can barely hear her@ <+am( +am( Are you alright(= I don’t recognise my voice. .*ATF. )A.7ust wondering Thessaly% as usual% who 4aud’s father is . no really it’s unthin3able .EGI+IE IT EA( IT $A +TA. running and retching% running and retching all night . . The phone is dead in my hand and the ground% the ground is rolling and sobbing% rolling and sobbing with pain% is screaming E6 E6 And she’s D*AD6 And that . I’ll phone Thessaly and she’ll say it’s alright% unthin3able .*6 And ne>t morning it’s sitting 2uietly on its stone when I bring the stuff. . . And you can leave me a list of whatever else you want me to . . <5ow are you( Eh fine% fine .I4T5 that . . <5e says it’s me.0/. . . .= I must have pic3ed up the paper3nife because it’s entering the flesh of my thigh.-(= #ut the line has gone dead.E. only ten-thirty% not too late% ET )A. +he’ll tell us it’s unthin3able. . Ehh yes% monstrous is the word. . .= <-EF(= she gasps. <Then who is his mother Thessaly(= <I’m sure he told you that too. IT **D *G*.T5*.F I 86 . It’s alright . it’s EA% I’ll give it provisions% I’ll provision it alright6 Eh my word yes6 That $. . . $reature. . . . you’re alright% :F+T A**1 . . Gery 2uic3. but really it’s disgusting . I’ll leave you food and clothes and money in my ruc3sac3 on the hoo3 in the well. . . . -ou can collect it on +aturday afternoons in e>change for your empty one. . . That monstrous. .I4T5 is alive with its *-*+ and it’s 4EEAI 8 at me . .I T5* $AG* EA( IT 4IA*+ IT I T5* $AG*.= <That’s right. <EA= I say.= 5er voice is barely audible.-6 E6 . . That monstrous.-(= I scream.6 . $E)* #A$A6 I’44 1.Eh my word it’s disgusting .* . . . = <5asn’t he told you(= +he is 2uic3. <I thin3 he’s got confused Thessaly. 7ust 3eep running up the hill% that’s right . <I don’t see how it can be= she laughs% <Fnless you came to 'allbec3 disguised as a F+ Airman in :une 1. It’s not true Thessaly is it(= +he’s wor3ing it out. <I’ll ma3e sure you never go without. . . . <5E' $A IT #* )A. . Eh ho ho6 +omething must be cleaned up alright. . . . . Ehh yes6 That imbecile.-6 E6 'here’s her number( That’s right. . 5e thin3s it’s )ary.*G*. A4. . <5ello( Thessaly(= That’s 2uic3. . . . As if she’d been waiting. . Ehh6 . . Don’t thin3% it’s unthin3able% 7ust 3eep running% up the trac3 to the farm .. .I85T6 IT $A +TA. . up on the hill now% you’re alright% 7ust 3eep moving li3e last time . .

I didn’t mean to harm anyone% I was 7ust a competent% reliable employee doing my 7ob. It ends with me. Thessaly once said it was +am’s destiny to be at fault% and I didn’t understand her. Because he can t ta!" #r$#er!%! He has never !earne& his $'n !an(ua(e! #ut he has to try. 'hat was it( <The forest will loo3 after him. #ut not to me. 1. The forest will teach him wisdom% he will need no rituals. #ut she’s cleverer than she loo3s. Did the child get his water here /%""" years ago( The stars are glittering and I hear and see my own breath on the cold night air. The 8ree3s had a word for it@ $atharsis. There is something he must do% must say.= Is that how it was then( Is that what happened( I go out of the bac3 door into the fallen debris of the copse. The +eely +pring. There is another here to whom he is spea3ing with great effort. If he is ill% he will recover. )a3ing 5orlic3s% good stuff 5orlic3s% sweet and glutinous% stops the nausea. Then it couldn’t be halted. It only needed the tripping of a switch for the wheels to engage and the entire se2uence of events to tumble into a chain reaction.H" am +till sha3ing but now my mind is racing@ because I 3now how this story ends. If you’d told Eedipus not to go to the place where three roads meet% would he not still have 3illed his father on another road on another day( #ut #un’s story involved others% for I was necessary to the plot as well. 5e feels trapped and wants to leave but cannot. 5is heart will overflow with happiness. 'ater seeps from the ruined well% now a mess of muddy stones. A young man in an animal s3in leaning on a crutch. +omeone else is beside me sharing the dar3ness and seeing the stars. 5e will be full of 7oy my sister. Ef course 4aud pushed +am into it% but there was more to it than that. 'ho cares my dear( It was your It doesn’t stop the sha3ing though% or the crying. 5e sighs in distress. +ome interior mechanism in +am was programmed to react in this way% he was necessary to the plot. 5e will be afraid but not too much. #ut never come bac3 to the farm% do you hear( I never want to see you again. 5e will be lonely% but only at first. It was inescapable. In her boo36 I loo3 it up feverishly. And abruptly I’m aware that I am not alone. The thing was planned. Thessaly6 It’s in her boo36 +omething the twins said. 5ad I been programmed too( #ecause without my diligent% painsta3ing intervention there could have been no outcome. 5e has a story to tell. And this other is greater than he. . And the tribe will leave food for him.== :an Hrd In the 3itchen 1 am sha3ing. As it was +am’s.

. &hen he come through seventh door he free. "hen all finished. &hen Bun come to forest he inside seven hut. clear bramble. It mean 4randpa.isten river. but no more safe. hunting. -e dig hole for cooking.* It +uiet in forest.0 %o he go home to hill. I not know. But he not stop moving. But what bad thing. cobweb basket. -e say “&hy hiding. Each hut have door belong ne't hut. sometime he afraid. . cooking. Then all at once I find I am in the house and my fingers are on the 3eyboard of +am’s computer tapping away into the night. /ome out now. $ot moving. singing like before. and ask he “&hy I not like that. As between man and wife on wedding night so between Bun and forest.0 And he run fast fast through forest and make BI4 5ump off fallen tree and 6 /7A/8( ! he break ankle. shouting. sometime he lonely. no washings. It safe. $ot safe in forest but not safe on hill either and is noisy. “It hard hard to talk Master. so he go back cave. Every day forest telling he new story giving he new present thrush!call. not speaking. and he stay. so seven door. -e not sleep at night. -e ask he “&hat I do now. Bun can be still. sweeping cave like woman make home for man. $o womens. watch clouds go by go by. and Bun inside inside hut like before. I not know. But Bun still in inside hut. But why I bad person. And is private matter. I think so Master. not belong he even. But each time forest telling new story. "hen rolling up bed!fur for go home. and Bun inside most inside hut to be safe.8reater than both of us. peck at he. -e hide in tree to watch tribe laughing. not playing with womens to be safe. And suddenly he no more safe.0 -e say “I bad person to be allatime alone. see moon rise. Master Bun#s mother say he never cry when he baby.0 It bad Master.0 3ne day Bun fetch food!parcel from tree as usual and he say “I go kill this black bird for ever.0 Bird say to he “2ou worthless boy. It take ten years and only now free. laughing. giving new present. In forest is no womens so no need hiding. singing. Bun not belong tribe. because Bun in forest like baby in mother. But it hurt hurt to speak of Master. -e say “I done bad thing to feel so bad. 5e is a )aster of some 3ind% a Teacher. &here I go. unwrapping leaf. $ever cry never cry. Bun only seven years old and sometime he cold. Bun keep moving moving and not stop for fear of bird. I ten years in forest and I not got words. I go eat you up. I go show him what big boy can do. Bun only eight years old Master but he never run again. -e get weak Master1 cold in bones aching. But now it like big black bird with claws circle circle to tear Bun to pieces. "hat why tribe calling me Bun. -e walk with stick now.0 But he not know how to come out. no shoutings. get firewood. -e cleaning. %he say he inside hut inside hut inside hut. At home allatime womens running. not belong cave. &hy I alone in forest. But now he caught like fish on stick and you must knowing secret heart of Bun so he can know it too. spirit falling. &hat must Bun do now. singing new song. he hiding but not safe. "ear at he. &omens is shouting. dancing. But now he caught like fish on stick( )huge laugh.

I only waiting for you to 5ump off tree so I can show you who you are. -e so sad he crying big waves like storm at sea.rowning in pain but not fighting. -ut of :ain. -ut of . Because Bun he in second hut now. .oor of inmost hut.0 %o Bun come through first door Master. And allatime is tears falling falling like waterfall and pain say “"his who you are boy. Bird only in head.ike broken twig in forest. -e hate ankle like enemy. but he got worse temper when he hungry and he say “I show you how I go deal with you. And ankle say “&hat you want. Bird gone. "his real. 2ou rose!petal or you oak!tree. -e against Bun after that. 2ou show me how you go deal with this pain. Bird only pretend.ike bent twig. And ankle say “2ou put weight on me boy I go make you scream like dying pig. Because ankle got long memory and not forgive. need water from spring. he must fetch food from tree. all washed clean. -e wake him in night tearing with teeth and Bun crawl round cave banging head on wall and screaming like world come to end. -e say “I real boy.0 But Bun thirsty. -e never lonely no more. -e got pain for company now.0 And pain say “I tell you who you are boy. . $ot hate him no more. %pirit smiling like child.$ow is real pain in foot.0 And Bun thinking “I give ankle for bird. 3ne night pain so bad Bun lose senses. .0 And Bun crawl home saying “I go show this ankle I big boy. -e broken ankle.0 And ankle say “I go make you scream every step you take. -e soft and tender. I send away bird don#t I. . Bun come through second door I think Master.0 And Bun surprised but not surprised. I show you who you are so you never forget. -e raving.0 But I telling you Master he cry he to sleep for first time in he life. Ankle say “-ow you go through forest on me. and you go cry. Ankle in body. not like bird. $e't day he lie in cave watching clouds go by go by. I not go cry. 3nly needing tree to bring he out. Bird only pretend. At least ankle tell me who I am.0 %o off they go through forest and ankle banging away like dying pig and Bun shouting like cra9y man that if ankle not behave he go cut him off. 2ou cripple( 2ou go stay here in this cave and starve(0 Bun got bad pain Master. -earing whisper of little birds like notes in trees. Because it seem like he been carrying broken ankle inside he allatime. -e feel love and grief for broken ankle. shouting him to go away leave him alone. :ain lying in wait behind tree. Bad pain.0 But ankle saying +uietly “-e not know I am for life. :ain still there but no fighting. . "hen ankle swell up big big like dead goat so Bun must drag him behind. I think so. $e't morning ankle blowed up like pig#s bladder and Bun want only rest in cave and cry some more. I no go let you.0 And he cut forked stick to make crutch and he say “$ow you go see who go win this fight. he so tired and pain so bad. -e not know who he. -ut of :ain. I go hang down like dead sheep and bang everything you pass and it go hurt you boy.ove him like friend. -e big swollen thing dying of grief. Melting in pain like mother at night. All calm. -e give up. -e enemy to lie in wait.oneliness. But he hungry Master. -e let Bun go long walk then fall down far from cave.0 And Bun say “I go shout even louder than I cry and I go beat you this day. Ankle send he away.0 .

-e give up Master. %tuck. The spell is cast. it cook +uick.0 And Bun say “3melette high up on cliff. A victim of his own acts. -e sigh. 7eal left foot on tiny place like oak!leaf. And tummy say to Bun “Aha( I see omelette. In the ghostly world of the garden the birds are singing% and a brown cat lifts its wet paws through the white fur grass passionately% obsessively% egged on by a screaming blac3bird. 7ight foot in space where was cliff. It hot sunny day and Bun swimming in sea like fish on holiday when he see ledge high up on cliff and on ledge he see nest and in nest he see eggs.0 All way up he singing because mouth watering and sun hot on back and wind carry small cloud parcel out to sea and gulls yell like cats spilling from sky and it nice day Master. Instead I go up the lane. . $ats and birds 9 the Dance of 4ife. <5e is very sad= I say% <5e is hurting himself again. -e see real cliff in front of real face. <Trapped in the web he spun. All is white and stiff with hoar-frost% including me. -e numb like haddock on stick. $o way up but tiny crack for mouse.= <-ou are too severe Thessaly% for one who spun the web herself. -e give up again.= <#ut $haracter is Destiny my dear% as he himself has demonstrated.0 And Bun say “Bun never afraid. %o he go to seaside for gulls# eggs. Fp the stairs and into bed. Time has stopped. I am a prisoner of the hill% it has me in its power% closed in by white walls of unmoving mist that trap me silently in my own breath.I am It is morning. )aybe I myself have cast it( 'e 3now not what we do. The night has died or I have died or something. and put left hand in crack to pull sideways against foot. Beach so far below he not hear sea. -appy in forest but always hungry. Master Bun#s whole life a dream until that moment.= <5e’s shac3led to the past= she says. And please don’t be clever with me% I’ve been up all night. very very silly. -ead say “&hat you doing boy.0 And tummy say “I see thyme for omelette0 and Bun say “I tie on egg basket. . Thessaly rings to as3 after +am.= <5e acted according to his nature. <ingers holding small knobs like chestnuts. Best is omelette. "hen come rumble like elk with tummy!ache and big piece of cliff fall off from under Bun#s foot. -e feel very silly Master.= I put the phone down and my mind slams shut. That’s not his fault%= I say% <it is his character. -eart thumping like world 5umping up and down. Bun stuck Master. he falling. <ingers slip. and he give clever little 5erk to show off. #edtime. It will ma3e you cry to see him. It gone very +uiet. 4ife has come to an end. 'ith no thoughts at all. $o way down because it dropped off.0 And tummy say “Bun afraid to climb cliff. “Bun ten years old now Master. +o D*D. $ow it suddenly real. "hen right foot push sideways into mouse!crack easy. &hat he do. because now he go die.oud pounding in head.

%un. -e happy as s+uirrel in nut tree because he say “$ow I know when this thing 43 happen. and he very sad. But he notice she lose weight.0 "hen he put left foot into crack higher say “2ou make little bud like I show you and you go get leaf for shade. and wood for he to notch stick and build hut.0 %o Bun watching watching and sure nough she get big and glossy again and Bun in love again and he say “-ow you come back. Moon. Moon big shining flower like %un.0 Moon look at him like he insect and say “2ou make notches on stick boy. blackberry. But it go be hot in summer so you go grow your leaves again to keep Bun shady. -e 5ust move up cliff like sideways is but I go call him “AA$. honey!bee. $ow he got half notches on one stick.0 But Bun not thinking with head.0 Bun worried in case she gone before he get back.0 %o Bun make round hole in leaf with acorn cup and look at full Moon through hole and sure nough she e'act fit( And she say “$ow I fit hole like mole in tunnel. But soon I go get tired and I go get ill again.0 And I see that this . At top of cliff he not able move.0 Moon look at him like he live under stone and say “Ever tried breaking stick in half boy. %he get thinner and thinner until one night she gone.0 And this . "hen Moon come up.0 And Moon say “2ou go count days from when I full. I going home.0 And tree say “-ow I go grow my leaves when they say “It also make you happy because you beautiful and you en5oy being tree. you let go your leaves so %un can get through to make Bun warm. I not know what this .0 And straw say “I Moon boy.0 %o he break stick in two. I go get beautiful again. Bun love Moon. "hird door hut of .aw say to tree “It go be cold in got A.0 And . and sure nough when half stick full she dead. he say “-ow I do that.0 . things working this way. But I still not know when you go die.. I not bothering with you. -e have BI4 idea and he say “It look to me like everything go repeat itself. 2ou go measure me boy. half notches on other stick.0 And straw say “2ou watch me boy. I not well yet. and flower for Bun#s tea.0 And Bun say “2ou no Moon. -e fro9en with fear. -e not know how he do it. -e break stick in half again and find out when she go be half full. I still tired. I think so Master. &hen she big and glossy he in love like stranded herring. And Moon light his path. -ead say “2ou cra9y boy.2ou outa your mind. $ow is big time in Bun#s life. And maybe some . Mind gone home. -ow you think.anger.0 And tree say “I doing all this to make Bun happy. not 5ust when it -A>E MA8E it repeat itself and . and fruit for Bun to eat. and pull sideways against with right hand. It look like this thing go do again do again for ever and ever until Moon wore out for good. I never saw you born. pushing into crack with feet and pulling away sideways with hands like he go for a stroll. -e lie still all night. E>E72"-I$4. -e in hut of =nderstanding.0 %o Bun make notches on stick each night and he say “$ow I know when you go be full. "hen after three days he see little pale straw in sky and he say “&ho you.0 And then he gasp. Because now he entering hut of =nderstanding. so then you count days until I full.

EE: I finished.ead come back again Bud.0 But I take leather thong from foot!skins to thread through hole so I can holding him up for inspect. blood pounding. "hey cra9ed by something.. My heart thumping 6 time to go. make noise like roaring bull. -e fruit of full Moon. <irst stage is &I. so maybe I get some understanding from this.0 -e stop and go other way.0 And he go other way. eyes wild like mad haddock. %o I draw on wall big circle in four +uarters to show this. And I see Aan have four stages Bud. -eads down look at grass like aurochs. . "his Moonfruit escaped from cra9y people and come to talk Bun. stamping feets. -e covered in blood from sacrifice. 2ou noisy. &hen I look at Moonfruit I see he round stone with hole in middle for whirling round head. flying over hills with crutch like ghost man. I dreaming of new vision for ne't bud. I gasp. I got big thing to do. %uddenly he start to swing round in circle. :ut him back on stone and sit down for thinking. "hird stage is /7EA"I3$ I working hard to produce new miracle.0 I say “I know what you do. <lower. "hen I gathering gathering samples of all stages Aan to study study day and night day and night until I cra9y man with wild staring eyes and mind racing like fire in forest and not sleeping much. “"hat mean 2es.EA. I coming. make way for me. 2ou roar like mad bull. %o I spike him on stick to take home as sample. Back in cave I put him on big block near entrance to looking at. time for fruit.0 -e stop again.$ow I living only for . %acred maybe. -e stop and swing round other way. I B=. hair wild like horse in wind. I sick and e'cited.ead. Man in centre with antler head waving BI4 flint knife. I frightened but also interested because full moon is third stage Aan. “&hat you do that for. But one hard ob5ect come whi99ing through air land on my feets. Maybe he got something to say. I shaking. wail like cattle dying in storm at sea. “2ou trying to talk Bun. I . <ruit and . I <. %econd stage is /-A7M I so beautiful you must mating with me.. %tone say “:ut string on me boy and I show what I can do. I <7=I". mind whirling. I hear wailing. Already I afraid of this thing and he not done anything yet.0 and he go faster.3&E7. <ourth stage is %. -e string must have broke and he flew straight to me. I crawl closer to of AA$. :riest go come after me with big knife. 3ne night it big glossy Moon and I look for some enchantment.. I terrified. I race home over hills hold him up like fish on stick. "hey go round in circle because after . screaming and beating drum. “-ow you say $o. "hey trying to die. round and round in circle. I 5ump like he bite me and poke with stick but he not move. %omething wrong with these people.

I eat earth. Moon bouncing through trees. I very clever fellow who go run world. Everything slow. %obbing.0 “2es. -ow everything have meaning. Is alright.ost for ever(0 -owling in anguish. why pigs in bean!field. At full Moon I start screaming. &here lightning hiding. "hen I lying down with arms spread . loud sucking and whooping noises.0 And Bun not think of anything else. write answers on cave wall. "he stone calling “Bun come talk to me. In trance I pick up stone again and for one month I dreaming like lost sheep.0 "hat enough for me. "errible weeping demons tear me apart.0 “2ou got some power. 3ther Bun e'cited and not able stop. Everything natural. At last mind go calm. tidy cave. I got e'citing thing to tell of Aan work. &here %un go at night. tell everyone how rainbow. Everything +uiet. I not use stone again that day but go bathe in river.0 “$o. "hey very surprised because not know where coming from. “-elp me I lost(0 But Moon only laugh and gallop through branches like mad auroch and I crawl round cave weeping. I tell you secrets of creation Bun. %lowly I stop crying. I shaking. -ow I forget this. I get everything else. -ow all thing born. winds. Mind full of oceans. I only surprised I not get recipe for honey!cake. All night stone calling me “2ou want know who live in Moon. “-elp me0 I cry. And +uiet voice say “Be still. remember how . By end of month I mad. hurt so much so much.It feel like there two Buns.0 “2es. all thing grow. I look at a long time. “"hat meaning 2es. &ailing devils thrashing in my body.0 “2es.0 And in morning I like bird with snake Master. I live in tree!top.0 It swing round +uick. “2ou go help me with my studies. shouting “I lost( . Ask +uestion ask +uestion like calf call for mother or baby cry for Moon. I talk to celestial friend. I helpless.0 I sit and look at. But allatime allatime he watching me and Bun hands shaking and not thinking clearly. “2ou come from Moon. I not know who I. I laugh. throwing me on floor.0 “Is good power. I take drawing!stick and draw great circle of Aan on floor with four stages to make cross in middle. I put down stone and leave cave. "hen I see drawing of Aan on wall. so he pick up stone again and it hang like dead thing. where find gold. throw acorns at deer.0 and it go faster faster. I go to fetch water from river. flashing lights. all thing change through four stages and every stage have lesson. tears flowing flowing.0 “Is bad power. I sing. cook food as if he not there. $othing to fear of. 3ne Bun want to stop now because scared.

$o. %tags bellowing and clashing antlers to giving each other headache.ark. $o. In forest trees crash into me and path start dancing. . Here we at peace a d we ! "w Aa . %lowly I coming back to me and filling with peace. *This place di##ere t #"r ever$%"d$. It is soothing and I &ind I am smiling.a9y place where no energy. &here is %"I.$E%%. It not always go round in circle. &ar. 2ou can sit on log in forest for ten years think you discovering Aan. My mind feel loose and fi99y and I stop to make hot drink. We "t ! "wi & where is #"r "thers. all ..kinds action . 3r not born yet. 2ou must finding both ends before finding middle or it not Aan.. not 4ood or Bad. to e'perience he. *We m'st ! "wi & %"th e ds t" #i di & middle. .aw of Aan say “All :ush must have :ull or thing dead. I not risk madness again. A. all . 2es.ove A$. "hroat closed up like fist. *T" #i d this still ess m'st #irst %e acti" ( "r thi & dead "r " l$ #""li &. All 2es must have $o. %pirit stop whirling and go still. Back in cave I feel odd. "oo tired to collect wood so crawl into bed!fur and sleep. all 2es have $o.along lines of cross. I hold it a moment in my palms and !lose my eyes. 'hat is all. :eace A$. when all you discover is pain in bottom. . &ater running down cave wall but I not worrying about that. I sleep. *All acti" have "pp"site acti" . After that I make clay disc with cross in circle to wear round neck.%3 -A>E %"I. Moonfruit say “Although all action have opposite action. because I working on idea of stillness and aging.0 But Moonfruit show me middle place where is no action.oor of Magic :ower.ike it say “2es.0 It like :=%. Is door where we can going through to know Aan.and :=. In fact maybe secret door to Aan avoid time altogether. . $ot bother about aching throat and hot eyes either.ark...ight have . .ight A$. and maybe Middle :lace can slow down time. place where thing not dead but in point of balance. Because first you need A/"I3$. all stillness must have action or thing dead. where we not 8$3& answer( &here we ignorant( And maybe this middle place he Aan. to understand he.0 "hen it come to rest in middle like “Maybe. &hen I get up I weak and shaky. not "rue or <alse.aud’s !lay disk worn thin with age $ut still !learly marked with a !ross. I pla!e it on the desk in &ront o& me. I calling it IDEA OF BOTH ENDS AND MIDDLE *We all have middle place where we still. Is %" of :ush!and!:ull say that means B3". It autumn Master and rut started and forest grow dark around me.0 I open the desk drawer and take out . “3ne thing Moonfruit show me Master. -ate. .0 But if all action have stillness.. <ace burning like I swallowed hot hedgehog. A/"I3$ A.ove have -ate. 4ive me one too.. And . Is I$A/"I3$. But I come through fifth door Master. . %ometime it go side!to!side. (ut it is enough. it only fooling.. <ire!pot gone out so I must look for moss.

. . going soon . "oo hot .Midnight. . . Because inside I am puppy eating bone. %eventh door. . floating . <ever shattered . . %leep now . I think so. . . clear and bright. the need to cough . . . . soon over now . . Moon ill. . %erious and sad. dying . <ire bla9ing . . It take long time to get well. .ying in ship of pain drifting under Moon . A--( . I very happy in forest now. . . -ead forced up and nasty hot stuff ! 3&( ! poured into mouth . . %topped in path by 5oy. %omeone crying. . up and down. . . . . throw off furs but they come back . /hest is lump of stone. furs . %unset. . floating away . 3&( Ah( %o sad( "he need to cry. . hot . . .anger sit on me like lump of stone. . . /an not breathe . . Am rolling on waves of pain. . up and down. sleep. <loor muddy and wet. . . and firelight. sleep . 2ou Master. . "hey noisy. up and down. -ot. %unshine. . But first one more door to go through Master. "hey hold head up and pouring stuff into mouth again . . /annot breathe. I crawl to water!pot. Also I must learn mysteries of -oly Man and “Engage in . . 3&( 3&( $asty( 3&( Ahh the pain( . in ha9e of gladness.anger. 3ne day when I strong again you draw family on wall for me 2ou say I big man now and soon must leave cave. 2ou can seeing through me I so clean. look into me like he understand. . . Blue eyes of a child. they holding up time I weak coughing like sheep in night. 2ou tell me maybe I not want womens and I think is true Master. . . helpless like baby. %ad. heavy furs on me . %o sad. . . %o I can know myself.ialogue0 with you Master. . 3&( 3&( It hurts( . wiping face gently . to sob . . . . . . . . /old. 3ld man gentle and patient. /ave swimming and crashing in dark. . %ad. . %omething wrong. fire bla9ing . . /annot move. . . -ot nasty stuff coming again . . bad dangerous pain . . 8nock over. >ery sad.aylight. &ant to cry but hurt too much . $ight again. up and down. .oor of :urification. . . . Birds singing. . "hirsty. smiling . . sleep now . . 2ou bring me through si'th door. . Bad grief on chest . . . . the need to cry . . %pear in chest. swollen and leaping through sky. Illness cleanse me Master.

All these precious now. I see I$%I. never stop. $ever. I lie down. It got all things working together. -ate. It AMA?I$4 this idea. &e not understand it. I looking I$ things not A" things. &e all stuck Master. I think so. %ong for childrens to draw on wall =nlocking heart At first is weep . It too big for that. but never the same.E music.0 .bigger and M=/. It holding us in +uiet hand gently. I not need him again. singing. helpless and trusting like flower in sunshine. I in it. Is world singing. It got its own law. %o safe. Is mind of air singing. And it know what it doing. It so big. Every bit need every other bit to working right. always copying. And all is pulsing and surging inside stem. I seeing idea of world. And all is moving inside and outside itself. All afternoon it stay with me and I see how world is. It first time I draw song on wall. It Aan. < of /reation. how he made. "hen I putting down drawing!stone and pick up bed!fur and fire!pot and walk out of cave through seventh door. It not go away. And big and small working together so is right for ant and right for mountain. Always repeating. &alking back to cave slowly I say 4oodbye to forest. I walk. dancing. make me laugh. pulsing.E idea. make me smile. "hey dancing to same music. It M=/. It too deep. It big relief. I stand up. It /A$#" stop. dancing. $ow they my family. &hen I watch tribe again everything different. too strong. never stop. inside reed. It /A$$3" making mistake. &e all in it together like beetles in sap. moving. Back in cave I hang clay disc on wall. I think maybe I not understand him when I see him again. and never stop. %uddenly I see is :E7<E/" this idea. It . because that its nature and it too powerful to stop. inside leaf. Always surprising.last trace of last hut and heart open now. 2ou in it. Is <EA%". It /A$#" going wrong. %tuck in Aan. It AA$( %uddenly I realise I seeing Aan( And I see is perfect. I sit down. But also idea so big that whole world is like pebble on mountain. It real.smaller than I thought. . It got enormous idea and idea it perfect. I seeing differently. "oo big to stop. It door of Aan Master. I have foolish song in my head. It never go wrong.aughter 2ou never be apart is start then sleep coming after once you unlocking heart. -e looking odd. "here is tiny idea made for ant. It not have our feelings like $ice. to log where I break ankle. %orry. inside twig. too powerful for us.ike chord played in air. <ree and 5oyful like wind. All at once something happening. always new. &e only worshipping it. &orld show me how it work. All fitting with other so everything work right. but I$%I.

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