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BOOK FOUR : COMPUTER GAME (Jan 7th – Jan 19th 1998) Unlocking heart At first is weep Laughter You never be apart is start then sleep coming after once you unlocking heart. It first time I draw song on wall. He looking odd. I think maybe I not understand him when I see him again. Then I putting down drawing stone and pick up bed fur and fire pot and walk out of cave through seventh door. It door of Aan !aster. I think so." Jan 7th The cock crows down the lane. First light. I’ve no idea what I’ve written. My head is bouncing, my eyeballs encased in hot lead. I’m cold. I need a good night’s sleep. Thessaly is coming to tea at ive. ! pm The "#$ is out% I reel up the hill in a rapture, thrilled and wicked, chasseying my wellies in the mud. The sun slants brilliantly through the hedgerows, birds chi&ike me and the over&wintering cattle have turned into shag&pile monsters. I do not recognise my riends o the summer in their winter out its lying like so as on the hillside. Their eyes are so t though as they raise their heads to watch me coming. 'o they think we’re going home or milking( )hewing their winter hay, still dreaming the trance o the a ternoon, they wait till I come up then lumber pain ully to their eet, great ships launched on the voyage home, mildly surprised that it has come so soon. Tran*uilly they wander across the meadow, hips swaying, udders swinging, while I loiter idly behind thrashing nettles with my stick as brilliant li*uid gold shoots hori+ontally across the hill, lining it like a urnace. Is this what little Mary ,aud saw seventy years ago( -lorious mountains assemble in the sky, shi ting spreading seas and islands gaudily manoeuvring, piling and dissolving be ore my eyes. My soul there is a country. ./nd then there’s Moliere0 says Thessaly buttering toast. .In what sense(0 .1e didn’t know who his daughters were.0 .Meaning(0 .I you meet a young actress in the tiring room,0 her eyes widen, .eager to make a name or hersel , whose mother is an old riend, and you’re under pressure, always overworked and in need o recreation, it’s only natural to sei+e any opportunity . . 0 .To pro it rom the occasion(0 I suggest. ./nd i she doesn’t know who her ather is . . . 0 ./nd maybe her mother doesn’t either . . 0 ./nd this daughter has a child . . 0 ./ girl perhaps(0 .There is even less chance the granddaughter would know who her grand ather was . . .0 .Thus alling prey in her turn . . 0 .I she is attractive and ambitious enough . . . 0 .It could go on or generations0 I conclude. .Three anyway. Four i you start early.0 ./re you making out a case or incest Thessaly(0 .2nly that in a mobile turbulent society o strolling players you couldn’t always register births 3 you were too busy . . . 0 .4eing always on the move . . . 0 ./nd you lost count. It was in the aristocracy that it mattered.0 .Though I believe the royal bastards did not always neglect their hal &sisters. I wonder i it could happen today(0 .'o you think it doesn’t(0 asks Thessaly. Thessaly and I are now chums. "he suggests we go to the January book sales in 5allbeck tomorrow. This suits me as I have to go to the 6olice station to meet my new boss. /nd I have my own agenda. Jan 7th Thessaly talks about books while I drive. "he is addicted to $ew /ge publications8 .9ou do eel you’re buying into "alvation don’t you(0 .2ne can certainly con use shopping with :nlightenment these days.0 I am not ond o either. .9ou see, I didn’t read when "am was around. 1e read or me. 1e was our hook. 5e hung o him, revolved around him, lived only according to his law. I see now I was a prisoner, never thought or mysel , never really read properly.0 I ask how the prisoner escaped. .I don’t think she did. "he died when "am le t. The me that he loved, the passionate pilgrim o his soul, was past her sell&by date by then. It was very wearing all that. I haven’t got the temperament or passion, it’s so limiting. 9ou can’t learn it you know, you have to be born with it. I’m alright now. Free. 5ide open to the winds o space.0 /s I park the car in 5allbeck I take a look at her. "he is too. .)ould be a sign o madness I suppose.0 "he is making or the bookshop. .4ut maybe reedom I" mad to the imprisoned(0 /nd she dives into a pile o remaindered volumes hell bent on "alvation. /nd 3 oh -od 3 she’s ound my ather’s book. I try to escape, but 3 .,ook Mary% 1ave you read this( .The )urve o 4eing0 by John "later( It’s supposed to be great%0 .9es0 I say stonily. .1e was my ather.0 .;:/,,9(0 1ere we go. .1ow marvellous% 5hat is it about(0 .It’s about the e soap. ."ounds like ./nna ?arenina00 says Thessaly. ."o I never met him0 I sni . .1e’s called )hristopher I think.0 $ot a name I care or. ."o who looked a ter you Mary( 5hen your parents died(0 .My /unt 4essie. The one whose uneral I’ve =ust missed.0 /t this point I’m relieved to discover I’m late or my appointment and I escape, arranging to meet Thessaly later to take her back. I spend some time going through 6olice iles, then leave or the )ounty ,ibrary where I search the back numbers o the local papers. I en=oy this painstaking and laborious work@ it is what I am trained or. I am a methodical person and I like to do things in an organi+ed way. 5hen I’ve inished I put in a good hal hour with the library photocopier be ore driving Thessaly home. .Then there was )ain’s wi e0 she says cryptically. .5ho she(0 .5e are not told. The 4ible simply says ./nd )ain knew his wi e, and she conceived and bare :noch.00 .4ut I thought there was only one woman around at the time.0 .1is mother. :alley o the "hadow. /nd it has been too much or you. 9ou were not trained or this.0 .Indeed I was not "am0 I say primly. .I said as much to Fowldes, my boss.0 I ind mysel sni ing in umbrage. .I complained bitterly.0 ./nd what did he say(0 .5ell to do him =ustice he said i it was really too much or me I could go back to ,ondon.0 ."o why didn’t you(0 .I was involved I suppose. I’d been working on this case or three years and I elt part o you all.0 .4ut why( 9ou didn’t know us.0 .I "/5 him "am%0 grie overtakes me again. .I was there in the cave that night% /nd it was all my ault%0 "uch a cataclysm overwhelms me here that I howl in abandon. "am gives me his handkerchie . 5hen the worst is over I sit up. My ace is a hot miserable mess and small sni s escape rom me like pu s o steam rom a kettle. .I really do love you "am, you know that don’t you(0 1e gives me little gentle shake8 .9es, yes o course, and I love you too. $ow let’s go down to the arm and have a nice cup o tea.0 4ut I cannot move. My =aw is clamped shut and I’m nailed to the ground staring soddenly at my eet. I am physically possessed, galvanised by need. >olcanic a ter&shocks rumble in my throat. "am shakes his head at me a ectionately. .'ear Mary. 9ou know I’m not the man or you.0 .5hy not(0 I growl angrily. .Firstly I’m thirty years older than you . . . . 0 .Thirty&one actually.0 ."econdly I’m a married man.0 .51/T(0 I shout enraged. ./nd my wi e is still living . . 0 .4ut you le t Thessaly be ore I was born%0 ."he’s still my wi e Mary.0 1e ingers his wedding&ring. .4ut do you still love her(0 .Marriage is an archetype . . . . .'on’t spout =argon at me%0 I yell. .It is a union. 5e have been united. /sk her. /sk Thessaly i she still eels married.0 ."he says she has escaped rom prison.0 .Indeed she has. /nd so have I. 4ut that does not unmake what has been made.0 The pain I e/-;/$T, 1/$'I)/66:', -;:9 6/;?/, ",I-1T ,IM6 and so on. Then I downloaded the scanned item onto the disc and put it in my handbag. There was no other copy.0 .'id anyone know you were doing this(0 asks Foster. .$o&one. The whole thing seemed so unlikely, but 4un ascinated me. I was captivated I suppose. I couldn’t stop.0 .5ere you hiding the disc in your bag(0 asks Thessaly. .$ot deliberately. It was not o icial 6olice business that was all.0 .9ou were hiding it0 she says. ./nyway you ound out what he was up to(0 pursues Flora. .It was like getting glimpses o someone in a crowd0 I say. ./nd I had to ill in a lot o gaps. 6robably wrongly. /ll I had to go on at irst was a certain e

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