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(Jan 21st Jan 31st 1998) As we are washing up in the kitchen I repeat my catchphrase: I never meant to harm anyone Sam. It was only a kind of game. Sam looks at me hard and then says: There is something you can do. Theres a word I left off the list . . es! "eparation. ou can make reparation. #ut right what you have done wrong. $ut how can I do that Sam! %rief engulfs me again: &es dead. I cant 'ring him 'ack to life. Ask says Sam simply. ou will 'e shown what to do. And that night in the attic misty( red)hatted( 'lue)coated ra''its leap and whirl convulsively as I so': Anything* I will do anything* +ust show me what to do* And a ,uiet voice in my head says: Shh* -alm down. Its alright. oure already doing it. Jan 21st Its like the end of term when youre leaving school and waiting to go home, knowing youve failed your exams. I am now completely unmotivated and without direction. I have screwed up. The trip I have een on for three years is exposed as sordid, sha y and unreal. I have !" I#$% how I am going to live with myself from now on. %nd I dont even care. I &ust stare mindlessly into space. I rather like that. %nd Ive got my tow'rope under the ed. (am has een reading the stuff I wrote the other night. )*ow did you know all that+, he asks. )I didnt, I say helplessly. )It was your computer., )%h, he says. )I see., )I wish I did. I have no idea whats going on. "ne minute Im weeding the garden or peeling potatoes and the next I know its three in the morning and Im pounding away at this machine., )-m, says (am. )%nd it has no respect for me. If it doesnt like the stuff I write it &ust wipes it., ).es, he says. )Its upsetting isnt it+, )#id this happen to you+, ).es. Im afraid its how my ooks got written., )/hat is it up to (am+ /hat is it trying to do+, )I think, he says slowly, )that its trying to educate us. It has things it wants to say. 0ut it couldnt use you if you didnt want to do it. .ou must have agreed to participate., )-e+ I havent agreed to anything. I was outside looking up at the stars and felt this oy eside me in the darkness and the next thing I knew I was in this room with my hands on the key oard., ).es, thats the way it works. *alf of you living normally in this world, and the other half . . . ,

) . . . round the end1, I shout. )/ith a distorted view of reality. Invaded y ideas that are not my own. % definition of schi2ophrenia (am. -y left lo e doesnt know what my right lo e is doing., Im getting hysterical. )I dont elieve in The 3lan. I dont even elieve in the (alvation -yth., )4eally+, (am is interested. )/hy not+, )0ecause I elieve we must save ourselves., )/hy+, )0ecause that is how we evolve higher, no ler 5ualities6 wisdom, compassion, courage and so on. %nd all that seems self'evident and straightforward until . . , "h 7od, Im starting to so again. )8ntil I come here and everythings turned inside out and I get these violent feelings of loss and shame and guilt and longing and Im crying all the time and exhausted ' , Im so convulsed I can hardly speak. )Im all shook up (am. There are two people inside me6 a commonsense person who can see things rationally, and another person who cant see at all, who only feels and acts. %m I going mad (am+, I stop suddenly and stare at the floor. )Im happy here at the farm you see. 4eally happy., *e takes my hands. ).ou are not going mad -ary. .ou are eing used that is all. If you feel you are eing damaged y it you must say so and it will stop. The hill cannot use you against your will., *e gives me his handkerchief and I low my nose. )0ut it may e that it really is making you stronger. That you are in fact evolving in the way you wish., I remem er 9owldes words6 ).ou get overwrought and mor id and then you get the vapours. Its time you toughened up (later, and I start to laugh. ).ou could e right (am. Im a slow learner. $ven if I dont elieve in (alvation may e (alvation still elieves in me., ).ou must ignore the unseen world -ary, and live in the here and now. #o ordinary things in an ordinary way. #ont let the past affect you. That way you are safe., 0ut am I+ *alf my mind is still preoccupied with the rope. The other half with this dot dot dot oulder. Jan 22nd ):ittle old ladies with painted nails wearing high heels and real pearls are thin on the ground 9lora. 0ut little old ladies with painted nails, real pearls and high heels who drive J;0s are unheard of., 9lora flushes crimson )*ow did you . . , )9owldes says she can see round corners, says Thessaly alefully. I also remem er him suggesting I might need the mighty arm of the law one day and go on6 ).ou are not o liged to say anything 9lora, ut I must warn you that anything you do say may e taken down and used in evidence against you., <:uckily I watch T=> )-%4.1, Thessaly is scandalised. )*ow dare you1, )%nd you may e charged as accessory Thessaly, I continue landly. )Im not going to ask you why you put the oulder there 9lora ecause I think I know,, she has gone very pale, ) ut Id like to know why you took it away again. Im sure youre aware that the removal of a dead ody is a criminal act., )Took it away+, 9lora is astonished. )/ho took it away+ !o'one could move that oulder without heavy machinery., (he rounds on her daughter. )#o you know anything a out this Thessaly+,

)!o . . !o, I dont . . , ut she is chalk white. )%re you saying the oulder has gone then+, 9lora turns on me accusingly, her /elsh accent inflamed y the volume. )Thessaly if youre responsi le for this Ill tan your ottom., )I dont know anything a out it -am., (he stares at me white'faced. )*ave they taken him away then+, I sigh and stand up to go. )The cave is empty Thessaly. *aving searched every corner I can only assume the tom s een ro ed., ).oure not arresting -am are you+ (he was only trying to help., )Im not arresting anyone .$T. 0ut Id like to know whats going on. #ead odies dont &ust push aside oulders and fly away do they+, )!o, says Thessaly, ut she looks at me dou tfully and sounds unconvinced. Jan 2?rd I see ropes everywhere. :ike (am and his knives. I dont feel mor id particularly, I &ust didnt realise how many ropes there were in the world, coiled up like snakes in corners or hanging on hooks. Its a crisp sunny day and (am has come to take me for a walk. )*ave you got any wellies+ 7ood ones+, )/hy+ /here are you taking me+, ).oull see., /e park y the river and make our way along the ank. It is 5uiet in the woods and small irds are rehearsing hesitantly for spring. )*as Thessaly said anything to you a out a oulder (am+, )0oulder+ /hat oulder+, *e is striding out confidently ahead. )% oulder has gone missing from outside the cave., )I didnt know there /%( a oulder outside the cave., )Thats &ust it. There isnt . . . now., )0ut I thought you said . . , )"h never mind., I am suddenly feeling tired again. The path descends into the old river ed so overhung with foliage that we are forced into the water and (am says )!ow you can test your wellies., /e wade through last years dark weeds and cresses tearing up rushes with our oots. The sun ounces off the water into my eyes and I am hot. It is hard work. I stop to take off my &acket and tie it round my waist. 9or a while I hear (am splashing in the distance far ahead, then all is 5uiet. The irds have stopped singing. There is a rustle from the ushes on the ank and I turn to look for an animal of some kind. % naked figure slips through the trees and disappears efore I can focus properly. I link and stare into the dense lackness of the forest. (hadowy tree'trunks merge and lur in the gloom. It is like a dream. !othing moves. I must have imagined it. (loshing up the stream in wellies revealed as hopelessly inade5uate, I reali2e I have lost (am and am alone. "nly the water hurries along in the still morning. Then the rustle comes again, nearer this time, and there is :auds face, right, tender, reathtaking. I am pole'axed. I cannot reathe and stare ama2ed. *e looks at me with an intimacy so direct, so personal, that my legs give way and I sit down in the water. Then he is gone. I so for air. -y pulse is racing, my head in a whirl. I haul myself up and

stand in the middle of the river transfixed with tears pouring down my face, wet through, so ing and una le to move. )/here are you+, (am calls in the distance, and he comes splashing ack to find me. )/hats the matter+ .ou look as if youd seen a ghost., *e pulls me along the stream through the ushes into the river ank and there we are in the cave, warm, dry and sheltered from the wind. *e sits me down on a stone and starts to make a fire. )%re you alright -ary+ .ou dont look too good. %nd youre soaked through1 I shouldnt have rought you all this way, youve caught cold., *e pulls off my waterlogged wellies to ru my feet. I cannot speak. I watch the river pouring from my oots onto the cave floor and hear (am dimly as he talks to me, poking the fire into flame. 0ut I am not present. I have een run over y something. It is a personal matter. #a2edly I realise that this has changed my life for ever and it is a personal matter. (am takes my hand and looks at me. ).ouve seen him havent you+, I stare at him unfocussed )I recognise the look in your eyes. Thessalys seen him too., There is nothing I can say. :ife has stopped. )0ut I cant see any oulder, he continues. )#o you want me to look further downstream+, )Its alright, I whisper. )There wont e anything. Its not important now., Jan 2@th This morning it is cold, cold, cold and the irds are in crisis. They swoop onto the ird'ta le no messing, ignoring feuds and rivals, food comes first. I feel sluggish and vulnera le, defenceless as a new'hatched chick. I sit in a stupor staring at the kitchen ta le, humming inanely. It is like an illness. :ike convalescing from something. The phone rings. 9owldes. )I sent you some information to check (later. I havent heard from you. *ave you discovered anything+, )8m., )(later+, ).es (ir+, )%re you alright+, ).es (ir., )*ave you een drinking again+, ).es (ir. I mean !o (ir. I was &ust wondering . . . , ).es+, he is exasperated. 3oor man. I pause. )/hether you would accept my resignation (ir., *e sighs. )/eve een through this (later and I thought you understood. There is no'one else that can do what youre doing. Is it ecause you are alone up there+ Is that why you keep resigning+ 0ecause you are lonely+, This is an adora le and hilarious idea and I am tempted to play it along A ut I say )!ot really (ir., )*ow a out the sightings+, )(ightings (ir+,

)3ull yourself together (later. I sent you a list of sightings for you to check out the witnesses. .ou did receive it+, ).es (ir., ):ook (later Im coming up soon, ut in the meantime please interview the people on that list., ).es (ir., /ith an exclamation of fury he rings off. Jan 2Bth It is itterly cold. Jack 9rost has miraculously painted my attic windows in the night with a cut'glass &ungle of flowers and ferns. In the garden each lade and leaf is rimed with ice and lack irds have frosted tails. % fog of cold pervades the landscape and nothing moves ut small irds acting out epic roles of heroism and death. % hedge'sparrow lies fro2en on the path with toes turned up and ro ins defend the ird'ta le against all comers. The hill recedes like %valon in the mist. 9aint ghosts of trees wait patiently to reappear when the sun reaks through, ut it never doesC the day is gripped y the iron hand of winter, the ground remains white with frost and all is still. "nly a predatory cat stalks the garden. I light the fire and put a potato in the oven as ;hurch ells drift up from the village. (unday morning. This is the place to e. % fro2en island in the mist. (am and Thessaly come to tea and I ask if theyd like to stay. This is their home after all, and 9osters cottage must e cramped with five of them there. I explain that 9owldes will e coming soon, ut meanwhile . . . )/hats he like, 9owldes+, interrupts (am. )"h, tall, dark, mean, late forties, ad'tempered, a ully, due for retirement soon I hope . . ., )(ounds irresisti le, says Thessaly. ):ike *eathcliffe., )I never could see what ;athy saw in *eathcliffe, I say, ) ut if you would like to stay youre oth welcome., )/e havent lived together for over ?D years, says (am. )I dont know how wed get on, adds Thessaly du iously. )/ell suit yourselves., I take the tea'things out to give them a chance to talk a out it and when I come ack (am has gone to collect their luggage. Thessaly looks more cheerful now. )It would e nice here for a few days. If you can stand it., )/hy+ %re you difficult to live with then+, )"h yes I think so. %rent you+, )=ery, I say. )Thats why I never live with people., )/ell there you are then. /eve got a lot in common already., Jan 2Eth The sun has returned in glory from its war with the fog, escorted y a mad and of hedge'sparrows. % great'tit drops notes of its spring anthem, sipping the softened air, and we go to the churchyard to put unches of snowdrops, crocuses and aconites on the graves of the two -arys. They are side y side, mossy and tired with age. 0ut close to their headstones I find Im searching for something in the surrounding grass, urgently, anxiously searching. )/hat is it+ /hat are you looking for+, asks (am, intrigued.

(uddenly I realise what I am doing. I look at him aghast6 )"h dear., Then I laugh it off. )I do elieve I am looking for my grave, I say. /e walk northwards across fields usy with tiny mortar oards of lapwings moving among the slender green fingers of wheat. %fter a while a large ank looms alefully on the hori2on. )/ould you like to see an archaeological site+, asks Thessaly. )I was on a dig up here with The %rchaeological (ociety. /e think it was the dwelling of the *oly -an of the tri e. The :auda. Its 5uite a way from the village settlement as you see., % long raised rectangular hump is surrounded y a deep ditch. )This was for drainage, explains Thessaly. )It has een lined with stones. %nd these are the post holes for the walls., )*ow do you know it was for a *oly -an+, I ask. )/e found some interesting artefacts. They are all displayed in /all eck -useum if you want to see them6 a collection of ritual o &ects, totems, fetishes and so on. =ery few household utensils. *e must have een a powerful person. /e found nothing like them in the settlement itself., It is peaceful on the mound and I find I am smiling. % skylark is trilling vertiginously, thrillingly, high overhead. The wind has dropped and theres a moist peaty smell from tiny intricate mosses that curl eneath my feet. (preading my sheepskin &acket on the ground I sit down, ga2ing mildly into space. I egin to feel run over again. It is a personal matter. -y eyes gla2e and I lie ack. 9ar away I hear (ams voice )"h dear, shes off1, and that is all I know. (uch lassitude, I have no hope of fighting it. I surrender to an immense pull downwards, a great heaviness, and sleep. The Laudas house is cavernous, about six metres by three, dar and sme!!y" #t one end a raised area $ith a bed is %ust distin&uishab!e, rich!y s'read $ith heavy (urs" The &ab!e ends o( s'!it 'ine are a!so hun& $ith s ins that move so(t!y under the 'robin& (in&ers o( the east $ind" )hen this ho$!s it is !i e bein& inside a hu&e (urry anima!" *n the !on& !ime+'!astered side $a!!s are dis'!ayed &rimy, (aded arte(acts 'resented to &enerations o( ,o!y -en by a tremb!in& tribe. carved bone nives and s'ear+thro$ers, ant!er thon&+so(teners sha'ed !i e !ea'in& deer, &!eamin& (!int ceremonia! axes $ith 'o!ished hand!es, drin in& horns, nec !aces made (rom do&s teeth and co$ry she!!s and (in&er bones cho''ed o(( durin& (unera! rites" #ncestors s u!!s $ith obsidian eyes are '!astered and 'ainted to !oo a!ive" They stare (ierce!y at the ima&e o( The /oddess, The Lion and The Lamb, decorated $ith (eathers and stones and she!!s to !ea' in the (ire!i&ht and dance $ith the vi&our o( the terrib!e dead" 0verythin& is b!ac and &ritty $ith $oodsmo e (rom the centra! hearth $here oi!y (umes !in&er over han&in& rac s o( smo in& (ish, cheese and $i!d+'i&, be(ore dri(tin& u'$ards to (!irt !ist!ess!y $ith a ho!e in the roo(" There are no $indo$s, so the deers in hun& in the door is !oo'ed bac (or !i&ht" 1ut it is a!$ays ni&ht in here2 on!y the (!ames o( the (ire and the tiny $ic s o( (ish+oi! !am's, (!ic erin& and morta!, create a so(t ba!!oon o( 'u!satin& i!!umination in the s$e!!in& dar " #!$ays ni&ht, o(ten co!d, and ree in& (rom &enerations o( (ish smo in& over the hearth, (or the Lauda ee's a &ood tab!e" 3ushes,

dusty, su((ocatin&!y scented and a!ive $ith invertebrates, stre$ the (!oor2 and t$o &reat carved $ooden chairs are 'i!ed $ith (ur 'e!ts, !i e those on the raised bed &!eamin& rich!y in the b!ac er dar ness" # dense anima! sme!! catches you by the throat" The -aster !eans 'ain(u!!y on the arm o( his chair, breathin& heavi!y, to $atch the antics o( the boy be(ore him" # sno$y beard han&s so(t!y !i e a $e!!+!oved anima! s$eet!y combed, (or (orty years o( 'uri(ication ritua!s ensure the Lauda is very c!ean" #nd tired" ,is eyes droo' heavi!y" ,e $ou!d !i e to s!ee'" 1ut the boy shouts and $aves his arms about. 4#!! you doin& is as 5uestion as 5uestion" 6ever &ive ans$er" ,o$ 7 &o !earn anythin& -aster89 4)hat $ou!dst thou !i e to !earn 1un89 47 !i e !earn $hy -oon die"9 41un thou hast studied the moon not 7" )hat is thy o'inion89 4:ou see8 #!!atime 5uestion;9 1un &a<es !o(ti!y out o( the o'en door. 4-y o'inion is -oon die so she can born a&ain on third day more 'er(ect"9 4=ery interestin&" )hy dost thou thin that89 41ecause is reason (or death9 says 1un care!ess!y" 47 see" >o ho$ $i!! the moon no$ $hen shes &ot it ri&ht89 4*h she never &et it ri&ht" *ther$ise she have to sto' and then $e have no -oon"9 4>o 'er(ection must be a ind o( death9 observes the Lauda, 4i( you cant be reborn once youve achieved it"9 47s true -aster" )e never 'er(ect" #!$ays ma e mista e, try a&ain, ma e more mista e"9 4>o ho$ does the moon no$ $hat mista es she has made89 1un !ay bac con(ident!y on his e!bo$s" 47t !i e this -aster" )hen -oon born she &ot vision ho$ 'er(ect she &o be" ,o$ bi&, ho$ bri&ht, $hat co!our and so on" This ins'ire her to &ro$ and she &et excited, bo!d, (u!! a!! inds c!ever tric s and notions" )hen sudden!y boom; There she; ?u!! -oon 'er(ect in every $ay; *n!y she not 'er(ect" 7t not 5uite $hat she meant" >he &ot too con(ident and missed someho$" Then she sad" 4*h dear $here 7 &o $ron&89 a!! that stu((" #nd T,#T $here she see mista e" 4#h9 she say 46ext time 7 &o do so and so" 7 &ot better idea (or next time9" #nd be(ore you eat brea (ast she !ost interest and !osin& $ei&ht and ready to chuc it in (or next time, more radiant, more 'er(ect and so on"9 1un 'auses to stare re(!ective!y into the dyin& embers. 41ut there one moment $hen she 7> 'er(ect -aster"9 4)hen is that 1un89 4)hen she %ust an idea -aster" )aitin& (or be born"9 The o!d man &ets u' 'ain(u!!y to 'o e the (ire into (!ame" 47( the moon is so 'er(ect as an idea, $hy does she &o on tryin& to achieve it in the (!esh89 he as s" 4-aybe idea is >00@8 #nd is nature o( seed to s'rout, to &ro$, to ma e come true idea8 #nd it borin& sit around a!! day as idea" -ore (un to try" 7 thin so" 0ven i( not succeed"9 4>ome 'eo'!e &et discoura&ed i( they dont succeed"9 4Then they doin& it $ron&" >hou!d be (un" >hou!d be !i e dra$in& on $a!!"9 1un smi!es en&a&in&!y"

The Lauda $ants to !ie do$n" #!! 1uns ideas are tirin&. 4>o $hy does the -oon $ant to be 'er(ect then 1un89 The boy thin s care(u!!y. 41ecause i( 7 -oon that $hat 7 do"9 41ut i( thou didst not $ant to 'er(ect thyse!(89 4>ure!y everyone $ant be 'er(ect -aster9 1un 'o es his do& *on $ith his crutch to ma e him sit" 46o everyone does not $ant to be 'er(ect9 si&hs the Lauda, 4>ome 'eo'!e are ha''y as they are"9 4Then 7 must 'ersuadin&, ex'!ainin&, sho$in& them they can do9 says the boy even!y" The o!d man &roans" 7 am a settin& sun, a (a!!en tree tumb!ed by many $aters, 7 !on& (or rest" ,is head droo's on his beard" 4Ta e *on out no$ boy" 7!! see thee tomorro$"9 #nd the boy ta es his crutch and s$in&s out into the evenin& !i&ht, thro$in& stic s (or the roc in&+horse do&, b!ac and bouncin& at his side" ,e has (or&otten the o!d man in the hut" ,is mind is $ith *on his do&, !ea'in& and boundin&, (oo!ish and %oy(u!" ,e si&hs $ith '!easure as so(tness stains the s y and a $ea star b!in s uncertain!y behind >ee!y ,i!!" 1ut the o!d man rises and stands bro en+bac ed in the dar est &!oom" *n his rin&+(in&er a 'recious stone &!itters so(t!y in the tiny (id&etin& !i&ht o( the rush+ !am' $hich he e!evates be(ore a s u!! on the $a!! and &roans. 47 cannot &o on -aster" The boy is a $ash+out" ,e ta! s o( >un he ?ather o( Time and -oon she mother o( Tide unti! my head s'ins" There is so !itt!e time" ,o$ $i!! a!! his &reat no$!ed&e o( the heavens hea! the a((!icted or com(ort the bereaved8 #nd his end!ess search (or 'er(ection he is avoidin& the rea! issue -aster. a chan&e o( heart in himse!(" 7 cannot die unti! the boy is ready" 1ut 7 am tired -aster" The 'ain and the e((ort are $earin& me out"9 *utside there is a de!icious scent o( moon!i&ht, s$eet, (ra&rant and intoxicatin&" The (u!! moon, &o!den, rich and !an&uorous, is heavin& herse!( u' into her <enith" Aric ets chirru' on the hi!! and the boy sits cryin& in the *a /rove c!utchin& himse!( and roc in&, his (ace bathed in tears" ,e moans, and catches his breath in !itt!e so(t &as's o( ra'ture" Then sudden!y he can stand it no !on&er and he is on his (eet (!yin& throu&h the ni&ht on his crutch, s$in&in& and !urchin& do$n the hi!! in the moon!i&ht to the -asters hut" The o!d man starts u' in bed in a (ri&ht. 4)hat is the matter 1un8 #rt thou i!!89 1un stares into the dar ness, sobbin& (or air" 47 (ee!in& stran&e -aster" 7s -oon"9 4Te!! me"9 4>he so breathta in& and so(t -aster" >o bri!!iant, is ra'ture o( shinin& and enchantment" >ou! &ro$ too bi& $ith $onder"9 ,is eyes are $ide $ith shoc and sti!! $et" 47s ecstasy this !on&in& (or moon" >he 'ossess me, 7 surrenderin&"9 ,e &u!'s, sin in& $ith a moan to the (!oor by the o!d mans bed" 7n the shado$s *on $a&s his tai! so(t!y, encoura&in&!y" 47s some &reat mystery here9 1un $his'ers in a$e to the rushes on the (!oor" 47ndeed it is a mystery9 &roans the Lauda see in& his c!oa "

4-aster $hen sun &o do$n my heart turn over, a s!o$ turnin&, and 7 &o too" #nd $hen stars smi!in& so(t!y throu&h birch+trees it !i e mother at ni&ht, so &ent!e, so s$eet"9 ,e is si!ent" 4)hat dost thou thin it is 1un89 The boy !oo s u' he!'!ess!y. 47 thin is #an -aster"9 4#h9 The o!d man $ra's himse!( in his c!oa " 4Te!! me"9 1ut 1un cannot s'ea " ,e sits $et+eyed, breathin& heavi!y in the dar ness" Then at !ast he says. 4#an is so(tness that run Areation -aster"9 7t is co!d in the hut" The (ire is out and (in&ers o( moon!i&ht s!i' $ic ed!y throu&h crac s in the deers in at the door, reachin& de!icate!y into the dar ness o( their $his'ered voices" 4/o on9 says the o!d man" 1un s'ea s s!o$!y, hesitant!y, 'ausin& o(ten" 47t beauty (adin& -aster" 7t !oss" 7t si!ence at noon" 7t ma&ica! thread o( s'ider s'innin& in air" #nd $or!d he!d by s'un thread o( &ossamer, (ra&i!e, vu!nerab!e and shinin&, bro en by a touch and s'un a&ain in an instant" #nd this so(tness, this s'innin&, this ho!din&, he #an" 47t hard heart o( $ind" 7t shi(t o( !ea( (a!!in&" 7t !istenin& tree" 7t tiny bird dancin& in &rass" 7t no$!ed&e o( insect" 7t dyin& o( thin& you !ove" 7t !oose end and he!d end" 7t moment bee &o home" 7t instant be(ore thin& ha''en" 47t i!! at a b!o$ or (eed (or a!! time thin& $ith no merit and no meanin&" 7t beauty dyin& o( ra'ture" 7t ven&eance $aitin&" 7t sme!! o( home" 7t !a$ that have no !a$" 7t 'ride he in s!o$ness it stren&th he in $aitin&" #&ain and a&ain it !ie in $ait at same corner to stri in& a&ain and a&ain at same $ound" 7t no$ on!y truth o( o$n nature" #nd this truth he #an" To no$ this truth you must no$in& you" #nd even then you no$in& nothin&, because it havin& one thin& $e not understand"9 4)hat is that 1un89 4#an 'er(ect -aster"9 That a(ternoon they &o do$n to the marshes to !oo (or mint" The s y is dense $ith heat but sun!ess and the air hard!y moves" There $i!! be a storm soon" Tiny butter(!ies dance to&ether in the thread!i e &rass" They start to (i!! their bas ets" 47 thin in& about #an -aster"9 4:es 1un89 47s everyone no$in& about89 40veryone used to no$" 6o$ the no$!ed&e is con(ined to ,o!y -en 7 (ear"9 4That not &ood -aster"9 47t is bad 1un" Bno$!ed&e shared by a se!ect (e$ becomes 'o$er(u! and starts to &et mystica!" Then the 'eo'!e $ho share it become 'o$er(u! too and 'eo'!e say 4*h 7 dont medd!e $ith mystica! ideas, 7 !eave that to the Lauda" )hereas it used to be common no$!ed&e"9 4>o $hat ha''en8 )hy ordinary man he !ose secret o( #an89 4>it do$n 1un and 7!! te!! thee the story"9 The o!d man !o$ers himse!( 'ain(u!!y a&ainst a !ar&e stone and the boy dro's his crutch and (a!!s at his (eet" Tiny thunder+(!ies c!uster around them and the (aint echo o( a distant rumb!e 5uivers in the air"

4*nce u'on a time the tribe !ived (rom day to day accordin& to the La$ o( #an and had no (ears or $orries" They trusted > y, 0arth, ?ire, >a!t and Airc!e to be their (ami!y and meet their needs" 1ut $hen ?orst the ?ireraiser burnt do$n the (orest and c!eared the &round to '!ant cro's, they too a ne$ road" 0xcited by their ne$ 'o$er they used (ire to $or their $i!! on the !and, (or&ettin& the needs o( their (ami!y" #nd as they no !on&er cared (or > y, 0arth, ?ire, >a!t and Airc!e they thou&ht their (ami!y no !on&er cared (or them" >o $hen there $ere !and s!ides because they !e(t no trees to ho!d the soi! to&ether, they su''osed that 0arth had turned a&ainst them, and they 'ut u' barriers to ho!d her bac " #nd $hen rain made the river (!ood they thou&ht > y had turned a&ainst them too"9 4)hy they not '!antin& more tree89 as s 1un" 4They had bui!t houses on the !and 1un, and (ences to contain their anima!s" They $ou!d have had to 'u!! them do$n"9 4Then they shou!d 'u!!in& do$n"9 4,ast thou ever made somethin& that cost e((ort and hard $or 1un8 Laboured day and ni&ht to ma e a ne$ thin& ha''en89 1un sha es his head" 4*n!y co!!ectin& s'ecimen and studyin& -aster" #nd dra$in& on $a!!"9 4)ou!dst thou $i!!in&!y destroy thy $or 89 46ot $i!!in& -aster, no"9 3e&ret(u!!y he sha es his head a&ain" 4)hy not89 47s mine" 7 ma in&" 7t &ot me in"9 4)e!! thats ho$ the tribe (e!t about their vi!!a&e" The more it $as threatened by $inds and storms, and the river (!ooded their (ie!ds, the more they $ere determined to (i&ht (or their homes, their cro's, their (ami!ies and their anima!s" 6ature became an enemy to be beaten" >o no$ they !ive in (ear o( $ind and rain and drou&ht" They (i&ht the !and and $or their $i!! u'on it" They (orce it into $ays that are not natura!, %ust as they (orce the anima!s to do their $i!!" They do not see it is their o$n mother they are (i&htin&, $ho $ants on!y their &ood" They hear on!y the voice o( (ear that ur&es them to do batt!e $ith a $or!d that does not !ove them" They have cut themse!ves o(( (rom > y, 0arth, ?ire, >a!t and Airc!e" Aut themse!ves o(( (rom #an" That is ho$ the secret &ot !ost 1un"9 The boy is very sti!! !oo in& at the &round. 4This sad story"9 4:es 1un, a very sad story"9 4@o tribe no$ somethin& $ron&89 47 be!ieve they do, because no$ they need a device to rid them o( their (ear and '!acate a $or!d they see as hosti!e"9 4)hat this device89 4They have invented a system 1un, to he!' and com(ort them"9 1un (ee!s his throat ti&hten 'ain(u!!y in (ear" 47 must no$in& this system89 The Lauda !oo s at him steadi!y" 4:es 1un it is a system thou must im'!ement" 7t $i!! be thy 'rivi!e&e as Lauda to conduct the re!i&ious rites and observances o( the tribe"9 The boy stares at the o!d man dumb!y" ,e cannot s'ea " The -aster tries to ex'!ain. 4Ceo'!e $ho have not ex'erienced the true nature o( #an are a(raid 1un" #ssumin& there is no system they can trust, they have

invented a structure o( 'rayers and rites to re!y on" #nd once invented it &ets handed do$n as a tradition, so the tradition itse!( becomes a com(ort and ma es them (ee! secure" They !i e the ritua!s and re'eated sounds" They are soothed and nourished by them" They have never no$n any other (ood"9 1uns eyes are (u!! o( tears" ,is voice is a!most inaudib!e. 47s 'o''y+head you &ive baby to suc " To com(ort baby"9 4:es 1un" 7t is a com(orter"9 1un is cryin& no$" 4Co''y send you to s!ee' -aster"9 4:es 1un" 7t is a dru&"9 47 &o no$ -aster" 1ac to (orest"9 ,e 'ic s u' his crutch sobbin&" 47t too hard (or me this thin&" 7 not understand"9 )hen 1un returned a $ee !ater he !oo ed o!der" 4:ou better te!!in& me duties o( Lauda -aster" The 'rayers and ritua!s 7 must 'er(ormin&"9 The o!d man !oo ed at him in si!ence" 4)e!!8 7s my 'rivi!e&e to conductin& observances o( tribe89 47 understand thy distress 1un" 7 too (e!t it at thy a&e"9 #''a!!in&!y the boys eyes a&ain (i!!ed $ith ra&e and misery. 4*n hi!! $hen 7 chi!d 7 $atched $omens &ive 'o''y+head di''ed in honey to baby to ma e s!ee'" Just (or (e$ minutes" Then baby cry i( it ta ed a$ay" ?ina!!y chi!drens suc 'o''y+seed a!! day" ?rantic i( they sto''ed" #n&ry, shoutin&, ic in&, screamin&" -others &ive in (or (ear, B6*)76/ they chi!dren eyes &o turn mi! y, head !o!!in& !i e nec bro en, not thin in& c!ear!y, &ro$ u' $ea and (oo!ish" #nd you $ant 7 &ive 'o''y head to tribe;9 The o!d man said nothin&" 47 s'end ten years a!one in (orest day and ni&ht" 6obodys but $ind screamin& in 'ine+trees, river roarin& over stones, $o!( ho$!in& (rom den under hi!!" 7 no$in& (ear, dan&er, i!!ness, 'ain, hun&er, !one!iness and terror o( dar 'o$er 'ossessin&" 7 !earn !an&ua&e o( bird, 7 $atch deer born, (!o$er (ace o( (ox, coi!ed marria&e o( matin& sna e, baby hed&eho&s on outin&, batt!e o( dra&on(!y, hare dancin& on hi!!" 7 see stran&e b!ue !i&ht in s y and cave (!ood $ith ice !it u' !i e (ro<en sea" #nd 7 no$ these thin&s #an, and #an sacred" ,e over(!o$ heart $ith !ove that ta e a$ay a!! (ear" 7 B6*) this"9 The Lauda $aited unti! his sobs had subsided" 4)hat $ou!dst thou have me say89 47 $ou!d you ma in& me understand -aster;9 he $e't" 4Thou art youn&" 7t may be thou cannot understand"9 4Then 7 must try -aster"9 The o!d man rose" 4Aome" Let us &o u' on the hi!!"9 Jan 2Fth @pm. %fter typing all day Ive come up to watch the sunset. The hill is suspended in a golden owl of light. 9ar off a huge flock of little irds wheels soundlessly and settles into a cluster of trees on the hori2on. The mist is rising. It dews my hair with the tiny &ewels of moisture that saturate a silken net of co we s filming the ground as far as I can see. 0lack shadows lie cold

on the fields then crawl into hedgerows to die. %s the great red eye sinks into the forest to leed to death in the trees, the sky flings an astonishing pink silk peignoir over the country, waits thoughtfully for a moment to consider the effect, then a ruptly gathers it in for the night. The show is over. !ow I can go home. D' in the *a /rove the -aster had much to say. 4There are many tribes in the $or!d a'art (rom ours 1un, and most (ear the dar and reach out their hand (or the 'o''y+head $hen ni&ht comes" #!! have need o( 'rayers, thou&h they may 'ray to stran&e /ods in a!ien voices" ?or instance 7 have heard o( a tribe in the 0ast $ho have s'!it o(( #an (rom > y, 0arth, ?ire, >a!t and Airc!e to $orshi' it a!one" They ca!! it :,)," They !ive in the !and o( Aanaan"9 4-ust be $ea this #an i( it cut o(( (rom nature9 observed 1un" 4They thin it stron&" They 'ray to :,), to $in their batt!es"9 4They 'rayin& it (or he!'8 ,o$ they no$ they shou!d $innin& batt!es8 They not trust this :,), to no$ $hat best (or they8 7s birch+tree 'ray to $innin& batt!e a&ainst storm89 4,ast thou never 'rayed (or he!'89 as ed the Lauda 5uiet!y" 1un thou&ht" 4:es" *ne time 7 'ray9 he conceded di((ident!y" 4)hen $as that89 the o!d mans eyes $ere very b!ue" 4)hen 7 in cave" )ith moon+(ruit"9 4)hat ha''ened89 47 to!d you" 7 a(raid"9 To his horror 1un (e!t tears returnin&" 4#nd $ho or $hat didst thou 'ray to89 47 %ust ca!! out ,e!' me, oh he!' me, 7 !ost9 he $as cryin& a&ain" 4#nd $ho or $hat he!'ed thee89 4Aross+in+circ!e9 he $e't" 47 dra$ on (!oor and !ie in and 7 sa(e"9 4>o (irst thou didst 'ray" #nd then thou didst 'er(orm a ritua!" #nd then thou didst (ee! sa(e" 7ts not hard to understand is it89 he smi!ed $arm!y at 1un" 41ut $hy the cross+in+the+circ!e89 47s symbo! o( #an -aster" 7 do $ithout thin in&" 1ut it &ive me (unny (ee!in&" 6ice but not nice" 3itua! not a!$ays sa(e 7 thin "9 The Lauda $as si!ent a moment" 47t is im'ortant to understand the 'o$er o( ritua! 1un" Thou&h it re!eases ener&y (rom many sources, it tends to ma e the 'er(ormer $ea er not stron&er"9 41ut you say Lauda must ritua! (or 'rivi!e&e o((ice -aster"9 4:es it is the 'rivi!e&e o( the Lauda to 'er(orm the ritua!s o( o((ice, because thou art a channe! (or the needs o( the tribe" Thou mayst use it to serve the 'eo'!e but on!y i( it comes (rom #an itse!( $i!t thou be 'rotected" @o it (rom thy heart 1un"9 47 try -aster"9 4>oon 7 $i!! teach thee 'rayers (or (east days, 'uberty, birth, nu'tia!s, 're&nancy, buria!s and other occasions" 1ut (irst thou must 're'are thyse!( $ith 'uri(ication and (astin&"9 1un turned 'a!e" ,e $as 5uiet (or a $hi!e then said casua!!y. 4This tribe in Aanaan $orshi' :,),, do they (astin&89 47 ex'ect so 1un" -ost re!i&ious sects do"9 4)hy -aster89

4?or many reasons, but main!y to subdue the (!esh"9 4That $hat 7 a(raid o(9 said 1un" 47t he!'s to 'uri(y the system and (ocus the mind"9 4-y mind a!$ays (ocus $hen 7 hun&ry" ,e (ocus on (ood"9 Then his (ace turned innocent!y s'ecu!ative and the o!d mans heart san as 1un as ed s$eet!y. 47( they mind so (ocus, do they thin >un he ?ather o( Time, or Time he ?ather o( >un89 1ut the -aster $as ready (or him. 4#s a matter o( (act 7 be!ieve they ca!cu!ate the year by the moon"9 4They thin -oon -other o( Time89 1uns eyes $ere ama<ed" 47 be!ieve so9 The -aster said di((ident!y, (a!!in& into the tra'" 4Then $here they 'ut e!even days89 roared the boy in trium'h" 4)hat89 The o!d man 'a!ed" ,e shou!d never have started this" 47( you divide year by (u!! moons, e!even days !e(t over;9 ye!!ed 1un" 4)hat they doin& $ith89 The Lauda im'rovised. 4Cerha's they o((er them to :,),89 4They must thin -oon she -other o( >un then9 1un mused" The o!d man heaved a si&h. 47 be!ieve they thin :,), is ?ather o( both"9 4*h;9 1un $as im'ressed" The tribe in the 0ast $as sho$in& unex'ected resources" The Lauda did not &et u' next mornin&, the 'ain $as $orse than usua!" ,is body (e!t !i e a tree that $as tryin& to ta e root, every ce!! resisted movement and !on&ed (or rest" ,e c!imbed mountains o( endurance and s$am oceans o( tenacity but 1un sa$ none o( this" ,e on!y sa$ the circus inside his head" 47nside me is 'u''y eatin& bone9 he $ou!d say" The -aster ne$ that his o$n death $ou!d come sudden!y !i e that o( his 'redecessor" 7n the (ina! ceremony o( &oin& throu&h the door and 'assin& on the rin& the o!d Lauda had died" ,e had turned round and (ound himse!( a!one" ,e sa$ no$ ho$ much the o!d man had !on&ed to &o and ho$ he had 'rayed that the youn& one $ou!d be ready" Jan 2Gth %n ama2ing event this morning. I was indoors when I heard a huge roaring, a heavy drone like om ers going over, and it went dark. Terrified I ran out to look and could hardly elieve my eyes. The sky was lacked out y a gigantic flock of millions of irds flying over, making for the !orth (ea coast. They kept coming and coming for minutes on end. It was a massive, serious undertaking and I was afraid for them6 )"h, where are you going all of you+, I cried out. )%re you going to invade #enmark+, (omething has changed since that usiness in the river. The anguish and exhaustion have gone. Ive stopped grappling with it all and given up. %nd it has ecome very still. Time has slowed down. I do nothing. %s if Im waiting. %nd nothing happens, ut afterwards I feel calm. -y reathing has changed, and even my walk. I seem to elong in some way, elong to the hill. I see now why Thessaly and -ary were not afraid. They were fulfilled. ;hristy is hanging the gate after the storm. *e was orn on this hill6 )%ll this humming ;hristy, I say. )/hat is the hill trying to do+,

)Im too old for this, he says. )3ro a ly. 0ut you were in on it from the start. .ou must know., )%ll I know is A we are eing used., )I feel that too, I say. )%s if Id agreed to something. (igned up., ;hristy looks at me6 )#oes it worry you+, )Im not afraid if thats what you mean. 0ut Im a it 2onked out., )(o what do you think its up to -ary+, )/ell, if it was a system for creating a pure eing then it all went pear'shaped when :aud died. /ithout doing what he came to do., To my surprise this comes out in an inarticulate gulping rush and I am so ing again6 )I mean has the hill failed or what+ /hat will it do now ;hristy+, *e smiles at me6 )#ont you know -ary+, I gasp, chilled. The hill is a force of nature like a tree or a plant. )It will egin again., I say. )0ut dont you think, says ;hristy, )that it has already egun+, 4This $ooden box,9 said the LEauda, 4$as carved by thy ancestor, the &reat ?orst himse!(, to house his treasures and inventions" *n the !id is his desi&n (or the !ee$, a device (or movin& heavy ob%ects"9 ,e '!aced the cas et on the a!tar stone" 1un stared at it. 41ut is cross+in+circ!e -aster" >i&n (or #an" >i&n (or Lauda"9 4#nd it $as conceived by ?orst the ?ireraiser to move the &reat roo(+beams o( his house"9 ,e $ent to o'en it. 47t contains the sacred mysteries o( the tribe"9 1ut 1un '!aced his hand on the !id to ee' it shut" 4)hat is it8 @ost thou not $ant to see the sacred mysteries89 4-aybe box o'en a!! sorts 'rob!ems, di((icu!ties, thin in& about" 7s 'o$er(u!, this box89 1un as ed uneasi!y" 4=ery 'o$er(u!"9 The boy !oo ed direct!y into the o!d mans eyes. 47s im'ortant moment" *nce 7 no$in& secrets o( box 7 cannot un no$in&"9 4That is true 1un9 said the Lauda" The boy moved a$ay to sit under a tree" 7t $as hot" ,e si&hed dee'!y" ,e had no interest in sacred mysteries, he $ou!d !i e to &o s$immin& in the river" #(ter a $hi!e he rose" 4-aster, a!! 7 as in&" )hy 7 must no$in& these thin&89 4Let me as thee then 1un, ho$ dost thou cure toothache89 47 not no$ -aster"9 4*r an in(ected eye8 *r bac 'ain8 ,o$ dost thou 'revent a chi!d (rom $anderin&8 *r 'rotect a menstruatin& $oman (rom the cry o( the ma&'ie8 *r ma e her (erti!e89 4#!! this is in box89 47t is the !ore o( the tribe 1un"9 4>o 7 must no$in& a!! this (erti!e+toothache+ma&'ie stu((89 4The tribe $i!! come to thee (or he!' in their distress"9 4#nd this box can doin& a!! that89 The o!d man !ost ho'e. 4@ost thou $ant to he!' them 1un89 4:es -aster" 7 $ant he!' them"9 4Then thou $i!t be he!'ed by $hat is in this box" Thy hea!in& may be stron&, but it is invisib!e" They are chi!dren" To be!ieve somethin& they must see it"

They need ob%ects handed do$n by their ancestors that have accumu!ated 'o$er" Co$er(u! ob%ects can hea!"9 4:ou be!ieve this -aster89 4The tribe be!ieves it, that is $hat matters"9 4They hea!ed because they be!ieve in 'o$er o( ob%ect89 4Cerha's"9 4Then they not need me" They need on!y sacred ob%ect"9 4To them the ob%ect is sancti(ied i( thou dost use it" /ive them $ine in a ritua! and te!! them it is the 1!ood o( the Lion that $i!! ma e them stron&, and they $i!! (ee! stron&" 1ut ho$ much is thee, ho$ much is the ritua!, ho$ much is their be!ie(, and ho$ much is the $ine itse!( thou $i!t never no$"9 47 $ou!d thin maybe is Lion"9 4Then thou $i!t be a &ood Lauda 1un, (or thou dost be!ieve"9 1un si&hed he!'!ess!y. 47 see 7 not &o $innin& this" :ou &o o'en box -aster" 7 bi& (e!!o$ no$"9 7t $as an antic!imax" There $ere no ma&ica! (!o$ers, %e$e!!ed sna es or stran&e misty va'ours, on!y a number o( dusty !eather 'ouches containin& <ircon beads, 'ainted stones, ointments in earthen$are 'ots, and some 'arce!s tied u' in bar " 1un $as disa''ointed" 4This is secrets o( Areation -aster89 4@o not %ud&e thin&s by their outsides 1un" There is more to this than thou dost see"9 47 ready -aster" :ou say seed+'od is eye o( dra&on 7 be!ieve"9 4Then into the river to c!eanse thyse!( 1un, and a(ter that, (our days o( 'uri(ication and (astin&"9 >o be&an the !on& %ourney to$ards no$!ed&e and initiation" 7t $as hard (or 1un $ho $as not 'redis'osed to$ards se!(+denia!" ,e rose at da$n" >te''in& out o( his hut he sa!uted the sun $ith his hand to his bro$" ,e $ashed his hands and (ace in a sacred vesse! in (ront o( a shrine to the hi!!" Ta in& $ater in his ri&ht hand he 'oured it into his !e(t hand and thence into his mouth, $hich he rinsed" ,e tied u' his hair in a 'rescribed $ay" Then he bo$ed to the shrine, entered $ith a 'rearran&ed (ormu!a and i&nited a torch (rom the (ire in his hut" ,e !it the sacred (!ame, too o(( his c!oa and 'ut on a s'ecia! !oinc!oth" Then he recited a 'rayer $hi!e he ind!ed three 'ieces o( $ood at the sacred (ire'!ace and !it the !am'" >ti!! 'rayin& he touched $ith a tiny stic three ho!y vesse!s (i!!ed $ith $ater (rom the s'rin&, and too these out to b!ess and 'uri(y the !and so that the days $or cou!d be&in" #s the exhausted c!ay o( >e!!y ,i!! !ed to re'eated cro' (ai!ures this 'ro'hy!actic $as the tribes on!y ho'e" They cou!dnt move on to ne$ vi&orous soi! as other 6eo!ithic (armers $ere doin&2 they had to sit it out" Their re$ard $ou!d be the birth o( an en!i&htened bein& in the years to come" >o 1un cou!d not cut his hair, cross a brid&e or have no$!ed&e o( a $oman !est he contaminate the shrine and so inva!idate the $ho!e C!an" =arious sacred ob%ects came out o( the box. a stu((ed bird, the tooth o( a Lauda, a $ease! s in, e! hair, 'ainted seed+'ods, sacred 'ebb!es mar ed $ith stri'es, s'ots and s5uares, a 'iece o( 5uart< crysta!, roots !oo in& !i e men, a star(ish, 'ainted arro$heads, a bunch o( (eathers, hed&eho& s'ines, co$ry she!!s, a nec !ace o( <ircons, a !um' o( amber and a b!ac beet!e" )hether the beet!e had been 'ut there or had cra$!ed in and died $as not

no$n, but it became so sacred by association $ith the other inmates that it $as treasured and $orshi''ed a!on& $ith the rest" 1un !earnt to ma e sacri(icia! o((erin&s o( sacred bar!ey mea! $ra''ed in corn hus s attached to 'ainted stic s decorated $ith ea&!e (eathers" ,e became s i!(u! in creatin& e!aborate mas s o( $ood, bas etry and hide, 'ainted and trimmed $ith (ur and (eathers to !oo !i e anima! heads" These $ere used in annua! ceremonies $hich too '!ace each (u!! moon. #t the $inter so!stice there $as a mas ed im'ersonation o( the > y /od im're&natin& the 0arth /oddess to (orce the >un /od bac into his south$ard 'ath" 7n January a mas ed dance ce!ebrated the advent o( the bad&er and the mustard+seed, and the return o( the sun" 7n ?ebruary (orced bean+s'routs $ere ceremonious!y '!anted to consecrate the (ie!ds, and chi!dren $ere (!o&&ed as an initiation rite" 7n -arch the /reat ?eathered >na e b!essed corn s'routed in sacred 'ots" ?rom #'ri! to June $ere comic rhythmic dances by mas ed c!o$ns" 7n Ju!y the mas s de'arted (or the under$or!d and there $ere 'resents (or a!! the chi!dren" 7n #u&ust a s'ectacu!ar musica! $e!!+dressin& too '!ace at the >ee!y >'rin& $ith voca! and instrumenta! accom'animent" 7n >e'tember $as a ceremonia! (oot+race" 7n *ctober $omen dressed as ?erti!ity /oddesses bore bas et trays in a ,arvest @ance, and in 6ovember the ne$ (ire $as &enerated $ith a (ire+dri!! in a (erti!ity ceremony invo!vin& 'ha!!ic dances, obscene son&s, a t$enty+(ive mi!e (oot+race and a bat hunt" This $as a!so the time (or re!i&ious initiations a(ter !on& vi&i!s, strict (astin& and 'ain(u! ordea!s" 6o $onder the Lauda $as $orn out" 4They are thy chi!dren 1un" They see thee as a ma&ician to ta e their 'rob!ems a$ay" The more they (!atter thee and &ive thee 'o$er the !ess they need to (ace the truth themse!ves"9 4-aster 7 not $ant this ma&ic 'o$er" 6ot at a!!"9 46everthe!ess they $i!! &ive it to thee" #nd (ind 'ro'hetic $ords thou hast s'o en $hich a!! came true" ?or in order to be!ieve in thee they $i!! endo$ thee $ith mystica! 5ua!ities 1un" Thou must be stron& to resist"9 41ut this (oo!ishness -aster" This $ea ness o( brain"9 4The (oo!ish and the $ea $i!! be thy constant visitors" Thou $i!t see madness and exa!ted states, ravin& and eu'horia" ,ysterica! men and vio!ent $omen $i!! b!ame thee (or their o$n de(iciencies and thou $i!t have no+one to con(ide in" Thou must be stead(ast"9 1un 'ic ed u' a stic and 'o ed the (!oor $ith it" *on b!e$ reso!ute!y into the ho!e, $a&&in& his tai! in encoura&ement" 41e$are o( (!atterers 1un" They may not be %udicious, but those o( !imited understandin& come (rom a!! !eve!s o( the tribe, the hi&hest as $e!! as the !o$est" >o be 'atient" 3es'ect them a!! and as much o( them that they may do $e!!"9 47 !imited understandin& too -aster" ,o$ 7 &o %ud&e $hat &ood or bad in they89 47t is not (or thee to %ud&e them, they $i!! do that themse!ves as they &ro$ o!der" Thy %ob is to !isten" Live truth(u!!y thyse!( and thou $i!t see $hat is (a!se

in others" #nd a&ain 7 say be 'atient" # 'erson may ta e ten years to come to thee (or he!'"9 There $as a !on& si!ence" *on $as &!arin& sus'icious!y at the ho!e in the (!oor and $aitin& (or it to 'roduce resu!ts" 4:ou thin 7 can doin& this -aster89 as ed 1un at !ast" 4:es 7 do"9 4*h"9 4-ost o( it comes $ith ex'erience,9 47 see"9 #nother 'ause" 1un 'ee!ed his stic " *on sat do$n but e't a $ary eye on the ho!e" #n o$! hooted outside" 47 not thin 7 can"9 4)hat89 The Lauda 'eered at him in the (ire!i&ht" 47 not &ot a!! this stron&, stead(ast, 'atient, truth(u! you $ant"9 The o!d man si&hed. 46either have 7 1un"9 4*h89 1un !oo ed side$ays at him" 4Cerha's is a!ri&ht then89 47 %ust do my best9 said the o!d man" 4)e!!9 1un c!eared his throat, 47 su''ose 7 can doin& that"9 47 ho'e so 1un" *r $eve both been $astin& our time"9 #s he handed over more and more o( the $or , the o!d man $atched the boys $hite (ace as he !im'ed throu&h the (orest in the mornin&s" 4,ast thou had a bad ni&ht 1un89 1un shru&&ed" 46ot &ood -aster, but 7 used to it"9 4@oes the an !e hurt much89 4,e a!$ays com'any -aster $hen 7 out (or $a! " 1ut 7 thin in& there is reason (or"9 4)hat is that 1un89 4,e remindin& me 7 &ot body" 7 &ot excitin& !i(e in head" #n !e say. 4,o$ about me boy8 7 body"99 4:es" 0very Lauda has had to carry 'ain"9 47 not no$ that $hen 7 a''!y (or %ob9 1un &runted" 41ut you havin& much 'ain too -aster 7 see"9 4)here dost thou see it 1un89 47n your bac -aster" ,ere" #nd here" :ou have bad (a!! 7 thin " )hen you 5uite youn&"9 47 (e!! out o( the oa +tree by the cave $hen 7 $as ten 1un"9 4#nd you t$isted s'ine $hen you (a!!"9 4,o$ do you no$ that89 47 see him -aster" :ou (a!! on roc and !ie !i(e!ess !on& time"9 4Thats ri&ht 1un9 the o!d man si&hed $ith re!ie(" The youn& one $ou!d soon be ready" 41ut it not &o hurt you much !on&er -aster"9 46o, not much !on&er 1un"9 47 not a!!o$ed he!' you -aster" :ou 're'are (or !ast sta&e #an no$" 7 must not inter(ere" Time o( &reat %oy comin&" #nd rest"9 4That is ri&ht 1un" 7t is bet$een myse!( and #an no$"9 Jan ?1st

%stonishing aerial display last night. %t 11pm huge whirling sheets of light materiali2ed at great speed from oth sides of the sky to converge and disintegrate a ove my head in an endless hurtling of energy towards me, swirling and rilliant. 7otterdammerung come to (ellywick. !o'one else saw it. 3ar for the course apparently. 9owldes rings to say hes arriving next week, ut he said that last week. I didnt really want him to come, ut now I feel etrayed. :ike -ariana of the moated grange. The waiting game. /omens stuff. This advance uild'up inflates expectations and I fear a let'down. 47( secret o( #an !ost -aster, ho$ Laudas (ind out about89 47 be!ieve it comes (rom !ivin& in the (orest 1un"9 4Aan ordinary man (indin& it a&ain89 47 dont no$" 7t de'ends $hat as'ect o( it"9 4Coint o( ba!ance -aster" Aentre o( sti!!ness"9 The o!d man considered" 4That may be the door to the other room9 he said at !ast" 4>o 7> a door; 7 ho'in&"9 1uns eyes shone" 47s (or everyone89 47m not sure 1un" ?or many 'eo'!e certain!y"9 4@o they needin& dan&er and (ear and crisis !i e $as (or me89 4They need the time to be ri&ht" 7t ma es 'eo'!e (ree and they may not be ready (or that, bein& sti!! tied to o!d (ears" )hen the time is ri&ht most $i!! be una(raid to &o throu&h the door"9 4,o$ you no$ $hen is ri&ht time89 4Ceo'!e do not usua!!y as un!ess the time is ri&ht" 1ut 7 have been no$n to be mista en"9 4:ou sti!! human then -aster89 4:es 1un" 7 sti!! human"9 That ni&ht 1un &ave a concert" ,e accom'anied himse!( on a !on& stic strun& $ith &ut attached to a 'ottery bo$!" ,o!din& this a&ainst his stomach as a resonator, he '!uc ed the strin& as you $ou!d a doub!e+bass" Then he announced cheer(u!!y. 47t >*6/ ?*3 ##6 -aster" 7 ma e him in your honour" 4Listen (or voice o( #an 1ut not too hard *r a!! you hearin& is sound o( !isten" 4)hen you doin& somethin& e!se A!eanin& root or s$ee'in& (!oor #an s'ea " 7t &ood c!ean root and s$ee' (!oor" 4#an s'ea on!y (or instant 7( you try catch him he &one" >ee8 #ir em'ty;

41ird sin& in tree" )here bird sat is s'ace )hat bird san& is si!ence #!!asame bird sin&" 4Love !i e this" Tota!" #nd see8 #rms em'ty" #!!asame !ove tota!" Let him &o"9 The -aster !i ed the son& and 1un $as 'roud" >o 'roud that he $ent to the vi!!a&e and san& it to the $omen at the s'rin&" They $ere 'u<<!ed" 4)hat is #an L1un89 #s he started to ex'!ain the boy (e!t a (i&ure standin& behind him and sto''ed" 4/o to my hut9 said the Lauda 5uiet!y, 4#nd $ait (or me there"9 The o!d man !oo ed serious and did not s'ea at once" Then he si&hed $eari!y and his voice $as very &ent!e" 4)hat $ast thou sayin& to the $omen 1un89 47 te!!in& about #an -aster"9 4)hy89 4They as in& -aster"9 41ut $hat made them as 89 47 sin&in& them >on& (or #an -aster"9 The Lauda si&hed a&ain" ,e didnt no$ $here to be&in" 4-ust be bad -aster"9 4,ast thou a &reat desire to teach the nature o( #an 1un89 4:es -aster" 7 thin in& is 'ath to ha''y"9 4>u''ose they are ha''y as they are89 4Then they be ha''ier sti!!"9 41ut ho$ art thou &oin& to teach them 1un89 47 te!! about (orest" #bout is 5uiet $hen you a!one" #bout not need a!!atime hut, $or in& (ie!d, $orryin& $here (ood" #bout (orest !oo a(ter they, teach they nature o( #an " " "9 4Thou $ou!dst advise them to !ive as hermits in the (orest8 To &ive u' their (ami!ies and home com(orts8 To su((er 'ain, (ear and !one!iness as thou didst " " " 89 4:es -aster" 7s $ay to ha''y"9 4The Lauda si&hed a third time, in des'eration no$. 47 $as a(raid o( this" Thou hast inherited the characteristics o( Theshe! the ?anatic" 6o$ !isten to me9 he s'o e s!o$!y and distinct!y as to a sma!! chi!d. 4There is on!y one $ay to teach and that is by exam'!e" )hen 'eo'!e notice that thou art a !ivin& embodiment o( #an, that thou art $ise and sane and ba!anced and ha''y, that thou art a dee' centre o( 'eace and sti!!ness, then they -#: come to thee and as thee to sho$ them the door" 1ut they may not" 7t is not thy %ob to !ea' about !i e a (!ea $ith an itch te!!in& them about it"9 The o!d man &ot u' and 'aced the (!oor, enunciatin& c!ear!y as i( s'ea in& to a (orei&ner"

4Ceo'!e must come on!y $hen they are ready, or they $i!! misunderstand the nature o( #an" They $i!! not rea!ise that it cannot be ex'!ained but on!y ex'erienced" They $i!! ma e it into a (ormu!a and say 4*h, to ex'erience #an you must !ove each other,9 or 47( you $ou!d no$ #an you must be ind and (or&ivin& and 'eace(u!"9 1ut these are the conse5uences o( #an" )hen you have !ived (or a $hi!e in a state o( #an you cannot he!' bein& 'eace(u!, (or&ivin& and &ent!e" 7t does itse!(" They $i!! not understand that #an comes s'ontaneous!y $hen the sou! is ready" They $i!! create a doctrine and say you have to !ive a !i(e o( 'ain and su((erin&, and this is 6*T T3D0; :ou cou!d !ive (or thirty years in the (orest and su((er every horror no$n to man and sti!! not ex'erience #an i( the sou! is not ready" 7t $i!! on!y ma e 'eo'!e &ui!ty and ashamed o( their natura! !ives and ta e a$ay the true ex'erience o( #an $hich is un'redictab!e and ?300"9 41ut it ta e so !on&;9 $ai!ed 1un" 4)hat does89 The Lauda $hee!ed round sudden!y to (ace him" 4Te!! everyone;9 4T,*D A#6>T 6*T T0LL 0=03:*609 shouted the o!d man" 4?or every 'erson $ho ex'eriences #an at its dee'est !eve! there $i!! be a thousand $ho do not understand and thin it can be tau&ht by ru!es and 'rece'ts" #nd they $i!! be the ones $ho rush about shoutin& the &ood ne$s and te!!in& everybody e!se ho$ to !ive" The more the tribe increases in the (uture the more 'eo'!e there $i!! be to misunderstand" 7t A#66*T be done 5uic !y"9 To 1uns terror and astonishment the o!d man be&an sudden!y to s$e!! $ith ra&e and 'o$er, his voice be!!o$in& (orth $ith rin&in& c!arity" 47T> C37@0 7> 76 >L*)60>>, 7T> >T306/T, 7> 76 )#7T76/;9 he thundered" 4Thine o$n $ords 1un" @ost thou @#30 to thin thou canst teach the innermost secrets o( nature, the source o( !i(e itse!(, the $ay thou &ivest ru!es (or ba in& a honey+ca e or catchin& a trout8 These thin&s can be ex'erienced on!y $hen the sou! is ready, $hen it has &one throu&h a 'uri(ication o( the heart, so that it o'ens in trust and sim'!icity !i e a (!o$er in the sun" 7t $aits at the door innocent!y $ithout ho'e or (ear" 7t $i!! $ait (or ever i( it must;9 The Lauda ra&ed in (ury. 4There is no !a$ but T3DT,; 6ever mind 4@o this, @ont do that, 0at this, @ont eat that, 1e nice to your nei&hbour, 1e ind to your mother;9 This is @37=0L $hen the sou! $aits at the door o( the other room to be admitted to the innermost secrets o( !i(e" There is on!y T3DT,; #nd this truth chan&es every minute o( every day o( thy !i(e" #nd thou dost thin thou hast discovered some eterna! truth (or ever that $i!! (it everyone8 That a!! can be saved by it8 That thou no$est the ans$er8 That on!y thou canst teach the $ay8 /o a$ay, thou art not ready to !earn; Thou art (u!! o( 'ride and stu'idity and arro&ance" 6o truth" 6o humi!ity" Thou art a (oo!;9 @evastated and terri(ied 1un cre't a$ay to his hut and hid" 0ventua!!y the Lauda sent a chi!d to (etch him" 1un !im'ed into the o!d mans hut sti!! $hite and sha en" The -aster $as in a &ood humour, the (ire $as !it and they ate 1uns (avourite honey+ca es $ith ha<e!nuts in, and dran e!derberry $ine"

46o$ then9 said the Lauda cheer(u!!y, 4,ast thou remembered $hat 7 said the other day89 1un nodded, sti!! unab!e to s'ea " 4/ood, 7 ho'ed thou $ou!dst,9 his eyes t$in !ed $ith !au&hter" 46ot an&ry no$ -aster89 4*h no, 7 never $as an&ry" 7 %ust $anted thee to remember it"9 1un bust into tears" 4Aome, no need (or that" Te!! me $hat thou hast been doin&"9 1un stood u' and !im'ed a$ay (rom the (ire, very disturbed" 47 have dream -aster9 he said at !ast, turnin& to (ace him" The o!d man !oo ed u' shar'!y" 4Te!! me9 he said" 1un came bac to his chair and sat starin& into the (!ames. 47t $as bi& dream" 7 in oa &rove" There bi& door" 7 he!'in& 'eo'!es throu&h door" >ome 7 !eadin& by hand, some 7 %ust sho$ door, one bi& (e!!o$ 7 'ush (rom behind" #nd is di((icu!t -aster because 7 &ot baby" >omeone &ivin& me baby to ho!d"9 The Lauda did not move" ,e had &one very 'a!e" 4Then 7 $earin& shiny rin& on (in&er" #nd 7 handin& baby to man behind me and &o throu&h door myse!(" #nd this man do !i e me ho!d baby and sho$in& 'eo'!es throu&h door"9 1un be&an to !au&h at the memory. 4They very ha''y, !au&hin&, bri&ht" They &ettin& bri&hter as more comin&" Last man he so ha''y he shinin&; 1ut he &ot no baby, and 7 thin *h no, he dro' baby; 7s a$(u!; 1ut then 7 see he 7> baby; 1aby he &ro$ed u';9 1un !au&hed %oy(u!!y" The o!d man $as $hite and very sti!!, starin& at the &round as i( his heart had sto''ed" 4)hat it mean89 as ed 1un at !ast" The -aster !oo ed u' s'eech!ess, his eyes $et" 4)ho these men8 7s Laudas89 The o!d man bo$ed his head" 4#nd the baby89 The -aster tried to s'ea but cou!d say nothin&" 47t !i e he 'er(ect Lauda -aster" ,e &ot it ri&ht"9 The o!d man $as $ee'in&" 7t $as time to &o" 4There &o be 'er(ect Lauda one day $hen tribe ready89 4Cerha's"9 47s $hat $e $or in& (or89 The Lauda s!o$!y nodded and &roaned dee'!y $ith re!ie(. 47t is time 1un" Time to &o throu&h the door"9 4:es -aster" 7s time" )hat 7 do89 46othin& 1un" Just c!ose thine eyes and $ait"9 #!! $as sti!!" The (orest $as si!ent" 6o $ind" ?or a !on& $hi!e nothin& moved" The earth seemed to have sto''ed turnin&" 4)hat dost thou (ee! 1un89 6o re'!y" #t !ast 1un murmured indistinct!y 4/ood -aster"9 6o sound" The birds $ere hushed" 4#nd no$89 >i!ence a&ain" 4,eavy9 1un $as a!most inaudib!e" 40asy"9 >ome time !ater the -aster said 4#nd no$89

7t $as hard to s'ea " 40verythin& sim'!e" 6o 'rob!ems"9 46o 'rob!ems 1un8 6o 5uestions8 6o need to understand89 #(ter a !on& $hi!e he ans$ered indistinct!y 46o -aster"9 47s the sun (ather o( time 1un, or time the (ather o( the sun89 0ventua!!y 1un &ave a distant smi!e as i( at a (or&otten %o e, and (e!! as!ee'" )hen he a$o e an hour !ater he !oo ed youn&er and his eyes $ere so(t and shinin&" The o!d man smi!ed at him. 4,o$ do you (ee!89 47 (ee! very $e!! -aster"9 1uns voice $as much dee'er, it had matured and stren&thened" The chan&e $as start!in&" ,e $as direct and (ocussed $ith a c!ear inte!!i&ence" ,e had &ro$n u'" 46o$ 7 must !eave thee 1un" 7t is time to &o"9 The o!d man sat u' strai&ht2 re!axed, serene and com'osed" Fuiet!y he removed the rin& (rom his (in&er and smi!ed a&ain" 4Ta e this rin& and $ear it a!$ays" 7t is a truth stone" 7t $i!! 'rotect thee and ee' thee sa(e (rom tric ery and !ies" @o not betray it2 it is a rin& o( 'o$er" /uard it care(u!!y"9 47 $i!! -aster"9 1un too the rin& and '!aced it on his (in&er" 47 am ready no$ -aster" 7 am sorry it too so !on&"9

Ao'yri&ht 0" J" )ard" 2G11" B03-#J#?30, 29H9G, FD7-03A,, ?3#6A0

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