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themuddler.smu@gmail.

com Volume Three, Issues 1 & 2


www.scribd.com/TheMuddler September 2009

A Muddler Special Message:


To Incoming Freshman
Fall and Swine Flu are in the air, But to make life just a little bit
and that means only one thing: easier for you, we’d like to pres-
Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep
house. Sexual assault is no laughing mat-
school has begun at Southern ent the ultimate freshman cheat
ter, but Sig Eps are. Methodist Univer- sheet:
sity. We here at the 1) Never look R.
Michael Jackson’s tomb sealed extra Muddler welcome Gerald Turner in
tight for fear of fans attempting everyone back the eyes. If you do,
“Thriller” video remakes.
with open arms, compliment him
Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep except those who on his fountains
house. Sig Ep house no longer safe place have Swine Flu. and be on your
to watch Battlestar Galactica. You can fuck off. way.
But most of all, 2) For football
Dayly Campus keeps former editor-
in-chief on staff. Studies show that
we’d love to wel- games, get drunk
no one else wanted to helm the sinking come our incoming before the boule-
ship. freshmen. It’s a vard, spend time
great time being a there stumbling
Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep Don’t laugh, it’s part of the manda-
freshman: pulling tory attire around from tent
house. Wait, there were girls at the Sig Ep
house?
all nighters, having to tent, then go to
passive aggressive post-it note the game, and leave no later than
Nasa tests new rocket booster in Utah arguments with your roommate, halftime.
desert, releasing more hot air than the hooking up with random people 3) Men must dress alike -- polo
last town hall meeting on healthcare. in your residence hall, guiltily shirts, khaki shorts, Sperry Top-
Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep
breaking up with your long-dis- Siders, and Ray Bans on croakies.
house. SAEs promise to step up their tance high school sweetheart, So essentially, like a little child
game. going to the health center to see dressing up like a 50 year old
exactly what you caught from the country club member.
Help make the print media re- random people in your residence 4) Any non-BMWs must park off
dundantly irrelevant. Subscribe to hall, the first time you read the campus.
the digital version of The Muddler. Dayly Campus, the first time you 5) Read The Muddler. We are the
Send an email to ‘themuddler. were disappointed by the qual- second funniest paper on cam-
smu@gmail.com’. ity of the Dayly Campus (same pus.
event), et cetera.
The Muddler 1
Dear Christian,
We are hoping you can settle a small dispute.
My husband and I have a soon-to-be 2-year-old. Her
birthday is next month, and we will be celebrating
at a local park with lots of kids from day care.
Is it OK to offer beer and wine to the parents?
We just want to know -- is it OK to have alcohol at a
Good Christian Advice
is written by syn- child’s birthday party? We will wait to see what you
dicated columnist have to say.
Christian Cornwallis
who has been impart- Regards,
ing his vast knowledge Moonshine Momma
on those in need for
many years for the
general betterment of Dear MM,
humankind. Christian Finally someone is ready to throw a party that
is currently a practicing everyone can enjoy. If a party isn’t serving alcohol, it
gentleman of leisure; should at least be BYOB. That’s why I always have a
he enjoys fine Cuban
cigars and human bottle of 1907 Heidsieck on chill in the limo. Children
halieutics. He can be should learn from an early age that daddy needs a
reached at ‘themud- few drinks to really love mommy.
dler.smu@gmail.com’. If
you have any ques- Cheers,
tions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or
add him as your friend on Facebook. Christian Cornwallis
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Cornwallis, Dear Christian,
I’m a 16-year-old male high school sophomore in I slept with my former employee, “Ken,” several
what I think is a pretty common predicament. A lot months ago while my boyfriend, “Vinny,” and I
of my friends have had sex, and some are having it were seperated. Because I was his boss, the affair
pretty regularly. Sadly, I’ve never even kissed a girl! was short-lived, and Vinny and I reconciled.
How can I deflect attention from myself when my When I discovered I was pregnant, Vinny and I
friends ask me how far I’ve gone? And what can I do eloped. I’m not positive this is Vinny’s baby, so I told
to make sure I am not in this spot forever? him everything. Now Vinny wants me to tell Ken and
his wife that I need a paternity test. I’m afraid that
Help Me Please, bringing this out will bring some serious repercus-
Flowered Fellow sions. What should I do?

FF, At Your Mercy,


Many men have a problem getting it up or keep- Hopeful Homewrecker
ing it up. Don’t be ashamed. Millions of dollars
are spent by men across the country on countless Dear HH,
products to make sure that you can be “harder and Seeing as you’re a boss, I’m assuming you’re a
last longer”. man. Therefore, I think it’s amazing that as a man
As for your friends, do what I always do: don’t let you were able to conceive a child with either “Ken”
the facts get in the way of a good story. or “Vinny”.

Best, Congratulations,
Christian Cornwallis Christian
2 The Muddler
Operation Sellout 2009 Kind Park ‘n Pony Plans
More Big Changes
of, Sort of a Success
SMU-- SELL OUT 2009, the foot- technically every seat was bought SMU-- Park ‘n Pony has recently
ball program’s plan to sell out beforehand, most by corporate announced it intends to exten-
every home sponsors. Yet, sively remodel its organization to
game, was kind because ev- further disrupt students’s lives.
of a success ery seat still Park ‘n Pony said they have cur-
over the week- wasn’t filled, rently not lived up to their mis-
end. Appar- one can take sion statement: “...to make life a
ently it is just as that to mean living hell for students and gener-
great a success that SMU can’t ally ruin everyone’s day.”
to “technically” even give their Following a disasterous move
sell out every tickets away. of their headquarters across Cen-
seat than to Sell out? tral Expressway, Park ‘n Pony was
have people sit Maybe our not satisfied with the inconve-
in them. dignity. nience they caused. Instead, Park
SMU was June Jones announces the success of Opera- ‘n Pony officials announced they
It should
tion Sell Out 2009 at a press conference on
proud to an- the U.S.S. Lincoln off the coast of San Diego be noted,
are looking for a new location.
nounce that two days prior to SMU’s home opener. however, that Options being considered include
the game SELL OUT 2009 behind a locked door in the base-
against Stephen F. Austin was should be less detrimental than ment of Meadows, somewhere
sold out, yet everyone could see BUY OUT 1986, which backfired in El Paso, or a hidden location
empty seats, especially after the substantially. only found by following a Da Vinci
halftime exodus. This is because Code-esque set of clues.

Staff Tips for Avoiding the


In addition, Park ‘n Pony has
proudly announced their plans to
hire less competent employees

Deadly Swine Flu and management. They are cur-


rently interviewing the mentally
With somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 cases of swine retarded, the mentally unstable,
flu here at SMU, students have to be at their sharpest to avoid and Rod Blagojevich.
catching this fatal disease. Park ‘n Pony was pleased,
The Muddler staff has gone through countless hours of specula- however, by last year’s number
tory analysis to come up with some newfangled ideas to keep you of parking tickets given, and hope
safe. to make additional strides in that
area. In addition to increasing
1) Be sure to take a dangerous cocktail of multiple anti-flu, behind parking ticket fines 215%, they will
the counter narcotics creating a living-dead-like state that will ward implement a “lucky ticket” sys-
off any infection. tem wherein Park ‘n Pony officers
2) Don’t Go to Home Bar. Scratch that: don’t go to class. Strike will now give parking tickets to
that again: don’t leave your house or dorm room. several random students a day.
3) Sneeze and cough on every person you can because the less “There will be new winners ev-
people look at you, the less likely you are to catch the swine flu. eryday,” declared a Park ‘n Pony
4) Don’t talk on your iPhone; iPhones carry swine flu. official. “Who knows, tomorrow it
5) Eat as much raw pork as possible. It helps to build an immunity. could be you.”

May 2009 3
North Korea to Pattern State
Ceremonies after SMU Events
By: John Benson “Your – how do you say – Com- (twice!), the Alumni marshalls, Phi
PYONGYANG, North Korea— Kim missar Ludden, this is a man who Beta Kappa – everybody! I wish
Jong Il announced that North Ko- we can respect,” said Jong in an that North Koreans would do that
rea is revamp- – but they’re
ing its state too freedom-
ceremonies to loving.”
incorporate The Lamp
the elements of Knowl-
of academic edge, a
ceremonies recent addi-
of Southern tion to SMU’s
Methodist pomp and cir-
University. cumstance,
“We have also caught
great songs the atten-
and dances in tion of the
our big sta- North Korean
dium rallies,” agent. “We
Jong said, definitely
“but we can want one of
learn a lot those,” said
about hierar- President
chy and slav- Jong, “but
ish obedience ours will
to author- be nuclear
ity from our powered and
brothers and Shown here, SMU’s future graduation choreography. “Students may expect a rise in tuition to you’ll be able
sisters at cover the necessary child-made sequined caps and gowns.” -Supreme Commander Ludden to see it from
SMU.” exclusive interview with the Mud- Los Angeles.”
A North Korean agent attend- dler in a small cave in the base- The Muddler has also
ed SMU’s opening convocation ment of Dallas Hall that doubles learned that SMU may be incor-
this August and brought back as a faculty office. “When he porating North Korean elements
word of the university’s practices turns to President Turner and into its events. A well-placed
to the Beloved Leader. He passed asks for permission to start the source informed us that Pro-
along surreptitiously taken video ceremony, I get tears in my eyes. vost Paul Ludden plans to ask
footage of the enormous plat- Nobody’s ever asked me that the faculty to do a synchronized
form party and the masses duti- before.” dance and placard presentation
fully clapping when they were Jong was equally impressed when he addresses them in the
introduced to such luminaries as with the masses of SMU students. spring semester. The theme will
the General Counsel of the Uni- “They stood for what seemed like be “Our Leader’s Bearded Visage
versity and the Executive Vice- hours, and applauded every time Smiles Upon His Children Like the
President for Financial Affairs. they were told to – for the faculty Morning Sun.”

4 The Muddler
EXCLUSIVE: Confidential Bush Rap Lyric of
Library Document Revealed the Month:
ya girl doing freaky thangs in da bed
Top Secret room
yeah I got my fanga in her doodie hole
hand cuffs and hot wipes 2 get her in
To: R. Gerald Turner da mood
yeah i got my fanga in her doodie hole
From: George W. Bush ...

u hit her 4m the back n stick ya fanga


down her chemny
Dear Mr. T, and on that she blows like a whale in
the ocean
she screamin n she moanin while im
Our nation’s economy is under threat. This is a tough time for me to strokin that monkey
fundraise to create the greatest-ever presidential library, museum,
and policy institute on your campus. My advisors have informed me Song: “I Got My Finger In Her Doodie
that money from the internets is not flowing as it should. We have Hole” by The Cotton Pickaz
decided that it will be necessary to look for funding elsewhere.

As you know, my partisan policy institute to be built on your campus


Hilltopics Now
has yet to be named. While I thought “The Freedom Institute” was
the perfect name, my advisors have informed me that my adminis-
the Sexiest
tration may have resulted in “a loss of freedoms.” I have thereby
found a list of donors who are willing to give lots of money to make
Paper Around
my library extra awesome if we take their suggestions for naming SMU-- Hilltopics, a student-pro-
this institute. duced opinion paper, suffering
from lack of interest, has an-
Here’s what we have so far: nounced their intentions to pro-
duce a naked issue, “Hill-topless.”
• McDonald’s Presents: The George W. Bush Fry-dom Institute This is a blatant attempt to
• The Dave & Busters Bush Policy Institute and Arcade copy the immensly successful
• The George W. Brazzers Adults Only Policy Institute Dayly Campus’s, “Bickinii Issue,”
• Budweiser Presents: The Bush “Hop-fully You Forgot What renowned the world over for
Actually Happened” Institute mixing sex and typos, like never
• The “At Least He Wasn’t Socialist” Bush Institute, funded by the before.
American Medical Association “Hill-topless” also follows in
• It’s the Cheesiest! Bush Institute and Cheeto Factory the tradition of The Great Wall
Street Journal’s annual “Sweet ‘n
Your input is greatly appreciated. By the way, love the fountains. Sour Hotties” issue and The Mud-
dler’s “All Nude Spectacular!”
In related news, auditions are
being held for “All Nude Spec-
Much Love, tacular! 2009!” For more infor-
mation, please send an e-mail to
W ‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com’.
Ugos need not apply.

May 2009 5
Kiss Kiss, No No
PARIS—The long-held belief
Twitter: A
Godsend?
beautiful wom[e]n I zee.”
that Paris is the city of love has The original purpose of the law
recently come under attack from outlawing kissing at train stations JERUSALEM-- The Twitter ego has
an unlikely source, the French was to prevent delays on train officially eclipsed the mega egos
government. The Assemblée platforms. Apparently there was of Facebook
Nationale has a rather wide- and MyS-
recently reen- spread problem pace. In a
acted a long of Parisians recent press
standing but making out on release, Twit-
rarely enforced the platform ter Creative
law, preventing for hours and Director Biz
kissing at train only boarding Stone announced that Twitter
stations. the train at the is the work of Adonai, Elohim,
“The recent last minute. So Adoshem, Zebaot, Hashem, or
economic many people Boreh—the Jewish God.
times have New signs help Parisians remember the were involved Apparently, the Western Wall
forced our anti-PDA law in this process now has its own address on Twit-
government to that it prevent- ter, allowing believers—or rather
become creative in order to main- ed the train from leaving on time. lazy, half-ass believers—around
tain a balanced budget,” stated a The reinforcement of this law the globe to have their prayers
French government representa- now, however, is strictly a money placed between its 2,000 year-
tive. raiser. old-stones without even leaving
Police officers across Paris “The law has been very suck- their computer chairs.
have been ordered to patrol train zesful in, uh, providing exztra An anonymous group prom-
stations in order to issue citations income to ze guvernment in zese ises to print out these “tweet”
for public kissing. ‘arsh economic times,” added the prayers and place them amongst
Parisians, however, are pissed. French representative. “We ‘ave the handwritten notes placed by
“I, uh, have re-zeived over 2,000 raised so much money, uh in fact, actual pilgrims.
euro in finez . . . already,” claimed that we won’t have to cut back Of course, there is no guaran-
Michel Grenier. “How am I to . . on our wine and cheeze expendi- tee this isn’t a Muslim extremist
. uh, refrain from kizzing ze, uh, tures.” group trying to hit Jews where it
hurts...in their prayers.
Policy Institute Appointment: “Epic Fail” The wall, in Jerusalem’s Old
City, is all that remains of the
SMU-- Former State Department official “His book claims stocks are underval-
and coauthor of Dow 36,000: The New ued and now is the time for investors to second Biblical Jewish temple,
Strategy for Profiting From the Com- cash-in,” stated Gallinas. “What a load destroyed by the Romans in 70
ing Rise in the Stock Market James K. of shit that turned out to be. And his A.D. It stands where the Bible
Glassman has been appointed as the readers certainly aren’t happy. says King Solomon built the first
head of the Bush policy institute—the “The top three tag descriptions as-
temple, which was destroyed by
controversial branch of the Bush Library signed to his book by Amazon custom-
opposed by much of the SMU faculty. ers are ‘epic fail’, ‘wrong’, and ‘miser- the Babylonians more than 600
Surprisingly, however, SMU faculty able failure’. years earlier.
and staff are fully behind the new ap- “If this is any reflection of how he “We’re clearly the best social
pointment to the Bush Institute. will run the institute, it will fail. I don’t networking site in the world,”
“He is totally inept,” declared Jorge see how that could be bad for anyone,
stated Stone. “How could we not
Gallinas. “He will run the Bush Institute except maybe Bush, but I’m sure he’s
into the ground. In a year, it will no lon- used to things associated with him fail- be? God is on our side?”
ger be an issue. ing by now.”

6 The Muddler
A-Rod Tackles Helpless Woman to Satiate
Sexual Desires
NEW YORK CITY-- Alex Rodriguez, game. “I have found that I have When I see a woman I want,
notorious womanizer and ad- better luck when I force myself sometimes my mind goes blank—
equate baseball player, has once on them. They are weaker, so sort of like when you ejaculate.”
again made the Surprisingly,
news for his latest the Yankees fan
female conquest. base was not
The formerly really upset with
married man with Rodriguez’s rape-
many mistresses like tactics and
left his wife last embraced the
year for a tabloid method.
affair with Ma- “I’m not too
donna. But now he good with the
finds himself lust- ladies either,” de-
ing after women in clared some idiotic
uniform. Guido, “but I think
“Well, I’m not A-Rod’s technique
a likeable guy, so A-Rod’s performance enhancing drug of choice: Enzyte. could work for me.”
women generally Over the past
don’t like to talk to me for very they usually just have to give in. week, rape attempts in the tri-city
long,” claimed Rodriguez in a “Unfortunately, I forgot I was area are up 34%.
press conference following the at a baseball game last night.
SMU Opposes Bud Light’s Middle Class Marketing
DALLAS, Texas-- SMU recently Dew of alcoholic beverages. SMU
joined other schools in protest shouldn’t be associated with
over Bud Light’s plan to use local something so lowbrow.
school colors on their cans to “Not to mention, Barack
encourage sales amongst football Obama drank Bud Light at the
fans. Beer Summit, and what do you
Speculation surrounding why think we are? Socialists?
SMU entered the protest circulat- “That’s why we have partnered
ed around it being a preemptive with Kendall-Jackson wineries
strike to avoid embarrassment to create an SMU wine label.
on the expected lack of sales, as We have come up with a spe-
SMU has no real football fans. It cific blend called ‘Peruna,’ which Peruna wine will get you fucked up.
turns out, however, that the main should taste something along the regard, SMU is really a leading
reason above is not nearly as vain lines of ‘The Prisoner’. university.”
as the actual truth. “This sort of drink suits the Bottles of “Peruna” will sell
“Bud Light is such a, how SMU demographic much better. for an affordable $35 in local wine
should I put this, affordable, The idea is so good, in fact, that bars, as the majority of produc-
cheap . . . or rather a low-class we have inspired other universi- tion costs will be offset by rising
drink,” declared an SMU rep- ties, such as Vanderbilt, USC, and tuition costs.
resentative. “It’s the Mountain Duke to follow suit. So, in this

May 2009 7
Top 8 Reasons to write
for The Muddler
The Best Article Ever...
1) Muddler writers get more ac-
tion than Dayly Campus writers.
at Least in Theory
By: Montgomery X in a paper claiming America was
2) It is nothing like a Soviet Gu-
Astrophysicists at the UK’s WASP actually founded by the aliens
lag.
project—named for the rich, who built the pyramids.
3) Learn how to work spellcheck. white males who started the “How did you arrive at this con-
4) No nagging editorial over- planet discovery group to fill their clusion?” your professor might
sight. free time during retirement— ask.
5) Free student tickets to foot- have discovered a new planet “Well, you know, I’ve got this
ball games. that orbits the wrong way, “back- hunch,” you’d respond. “Have
6) Muddler writers demonstrate ward compared to the rotation of you ever looked at the back of a
a brand of journalistic integrity its host star.” dollar bill? Freaky.”
not found in other SMU publica- No other known planet in the You have no basis for this
tions. universe rotates in this manner. claim, no past precedence you’re
Astrophysicists at MIT postu- working with; it’s practically a
7) Learn to intellectually write
late the planet, named WASP-17, wild guess.
on topics such as Chaucer, health-
“likely had a close encounter with So much for theories, huh?
care re-
a larger planet, and the gravi- In theory, this article is the
form, and
tational interaction acted like a most perfect thing you have ever
queefs.
slingshot to put WASP-17 on its read. Perfectly crafted, hilarious,
8) Becom- odd course.” life-changing in fact.
ing great Of course, there’s no way of I just changed your life with my
friends and knowing this for sure. It’s only words.
work out a theory, though it’s being cited That puts me on the same level
buddies by international news sources as as a Keats or a Dostoyevsky.
with this fact. What kind of way is that to Actually, I think I rather like this
big pile of go about things? theory stuff. If only I could live in
man. Imagine trying to get away the world of an astrophysicist, life
If interested, contact ‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com’.
with this in a history class, turning would be great . . . in theory.

The Muddler is an independent satirical news-


paper. The opinions expressed herewith are
those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
The Muddler Staff orative effort and are occasionally edited (but
John Benson rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we
Dane Brannan have plenty of creative people to make up for
it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a
Dr Thane Economou, PhD
good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes
Admiral Erikbar
no liability for any injuries you incur while
Ryan Leech reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome
Greg Mandel letters to the editors but only if they’re in the
and Molly Palmison as Geordi La Forge spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.
8 The Muddler