The Last Word

Issue #472

January 2014

How cool people go on road trips
I amassed another road trip on the weekend after Thanksgiving (November 29 to Dismember 2), and it bipped the wild Mid !o"th wa#, like so man# other things we know and love$ %e fo&"sed on 'rkansas, (o"isiana, and Mississippi$ I noti&ed that somebod# pooped in the "rinal at a Marathon station in )li*abethtown, +ent"&k#$ (ater, I noti&ed 2 vehi&les illegall# drag ra&ing on the ,"r&hase ,arkwa#, endangering the lives of gabillions$ The restroom at a ,hillips -- station in )l Dorado, 'rkansas, was "n"sable.for the door wo"ld not &lose$ It wo"ld have ne&essitated doing one/s b"siness in f"ll view of whoever happened to be walking down the hallwa#$ Ma#be that/s wh#.shortl# thereafter.I saw that a person appeared to be "rinating o"t of a moving pi&k"p tr"&k$ 'fter lodging in )l Dorado, we had to dodge a pile of garbage that obstr"&ted Interstate 20 in !hreveport, (o"isiana$$$

That was right after we st"mbled "pon this Mi&hael 1olton billboard on whi&h the singer/s mo"th was lopsided$$$

(ater.after o"r brief fora# into Te2as.I en&o"ntered another "n"sable 3ohnn#pooper$ This one was at a 4hevron station in 1"nkie, (o"isiana$ The 3ohndola was being hopelessl# monopoli*ed$ !o #o" better hope #o" don/t have an# b"nkies in 1"nkie5 In the bathroom at a gas station in 6o"ma, (o"isiana, I fo"nd this "proario"s sign$$$

The# want "s to p"t "sed toilet paper in the garbage &an, not the toilet5 M"&h like how the toilet is the 7f"nn# garbage &an8, I g"ess the trash &an is the 7f"nn# toilet$8 This sign also insin"ates that folks had been depositing their "sed, poop# toilet paper on the floor$ 't the motel in 6o"ma, we got the mis&hief rating "p b# drawing a pi&t"re of )rnie of Sesame Street in the phone book$ 1"t it was ba&k down to b"siness on !"nda#$ 't a 4hevron station in 9orest, Mississippi, I saw a g"# who resembled :len 4ampbell in his s&owling D;I m"gshot.the onl# &elebrit# look alike of this trip$ 't o"r hotel in T"pelo, Mississippi, gallons of water leaked from the &eiling in the bathroom.for the g"ests "pstairs st"pidl# overflowed their batht"b$ 't least I hope it was the batht"b5 The fo"rth and final da# of m# trip was a downright spe&ta&le$ 't a (ogan/s <oadho"se resta"rant in 1owling :reen, +ent"&k#, the folks seated behind "s kept &omplaining abo"t the <ep"bli&an ,art#.mostl# be&a"se the :=, thinks 4hris 4hristie isn/t &onservative eno"gh$ It/s alwa#s satisf#ing to hear people &omplain abo"t <ep"bli&ans in p"bli& (in +ent"&k#, no less)$ 'meri&a is wat&hing #o", :=,sters$ 't this same resta"rant, an old man set off the alarm b# e2iting thro"gh the emergen&# door$ Now #o" know how &ool people go on road trips$

A racist’s worst fear realized
>o" &an/t help b"t feel a sense of satisfa&tion when an "nre&onstr"&ted ra&ist sees one of their worst fears be&ome realit#$ I/m not talking abo"t someone who/s simpl# "ninformed on ra&ial matters b"t later ed"&ates themselves of the fa&ts$ I/m talking abo"t somebod# who had time to adapt and ad3"st to the modern world b" far as I know.&ons&io"sl# &hose never to do so, opting instead to g"sh bigoted inve&tive whenever given the opport"nit#$ Not s"rprisingl#, m# earliest introd"&tion to ra&ism o&&"rred in the lo&al s&hool s#stem$ I/m s"re there were kleagles o"t and abo"t in the o"tside world, b"t I &an/t remember en&o"ntering an# before grade s&hool$ =ne of the most vir"lent ra&ists I met in m# #o"th was a s&hool b"s monitor who worked for the 4ampbell 4o"nt# !&hools$ !he was a do"r, aging woman who seemed to represent a b#gone era$ I rode her b"s in grade s&hool. and again #ears later in high s&hool$ <a&ism wasn/t her onl# "nappealing trait$ In the earl# da#s of D"ngeons ? Dragons.when the# still "sed levels ', 1, and 4 for their monsters.I &reated a level 4 monster that was based on m# b"s monitor$ 6er favorite weapon was the homes for sale periodi&al that she wo"ld roll "p and "se to administer &orporal p"nishment to "nr"l# st"dents$ ' de&ade later, when I was in high s&hool, she still hadn/t abandoned her wa#s$ !he on&e warned a st"dent, 7I/ll bring a paddle58 +eep in mind this was in the earl# @90s$ !he was alwa#s &hit&hatting with the b"s driver abo"t the man# developments in modern so&iet# that

displeased her$ 7I g"ess there/s a lot of things I don/t "nderstand,8 she alwa#s lamented$ There was also the time she falsel# a&&"sed me and another st"dent of bringing a knife on the b"s$ %hen I disproved her "nfo"nded theorem, the s&hool promised to find me a different b"s, b"t never did$ 'nd then there was the ra&ism$ I/ll never forget the b"s monitor/s ra&e based rea&tions to having to pi&k "p a st"dent from another distri&t or seeing a famil# 3"st walking "p the street$ This was 3"st a few #ears after a lo&al prin&ipal had gotten in tro"ble for "sing a ra&ial sl"r in front of a st"dent and n"mero"s s&hool emplo#ees$ I g"ess m# b"s monitor hadn/t paid attention to that &ase$ Tr"st me$ 6er pre3"di&e reall# was that bad$ 'fter high s&hool, #ears t"rned into de&ades, and I never heard an#thing else abo"t m# former b"s monitor$ I fig"red she m"st have retired at some point, b"t I never heard an#thing abo"t her d#ing."ntil a &o"ple #ears ago, when I noti&ed a small obit"ar# for her on the lo&al newspaper/s website$ Then it o&&"rred to me that she had lived long eno"gh to see what m"st have been her ver# worst fear reali*ed$ I bet the one thing she feared more than an# other was the o"t&ome of the 200A presidential ele&tion$ 'nd she lived to see it5 To be a bee in a 3ar in her living room while she was wat&hing the ele&tion ret"rns that evening wo"ld have been rather instr"&tive$ I &an only imagine how she might have rea&ted5 1igotr# destro#s people/s hopes$ 'nd it denies so&iet# the &ontrib"tions of those targeted$ %e might know the &"re for &an&er b# now if people hadn/t been denied opport"nities 3"st be&a"se of their ra&e, e&onomi& stat"s, or some other &hara&teristi&$ 's m"&h as m# b"s monitor made a fool of herself, there/s reall# nothing &omi&al abo"t the losses so&iet# s"ffers from pre3"di&e$ That/s not to sa# the b"s monitor didn/t generate a few hilario"s moments that had nothing to do with her ra&ism$ I remember the time she started talking with the b"s driver abo"t her h"sband taking the newspaper into the bathroom and leaving the pages piled "p on the floor ne2t to the toilet$ 7That/s not something a man does,8 she bemoaned$ 'nd I remember her response the time the b"s drove into a silent b"t deadl#$ %e were going west on I 2BC near the Ta#lor Mill e2it when the tro"ser snee*e filled the air$ It reeked so mightil# that I tho"ght the emergen&# e2it was going to open b# itself5 7,hew58 the b"s monitor e2&laimed$ Then the driver observed, 7I might have to stop this b"s$8 (!omeone on a website I "se has now &onfirmed that it is indeed possible to drive into a fart$) !o we might as well en3o# some la"ghs at a ra&ist/s e2pense$

Politics and

ap a!ing"""toget#er at last$

,oliti&s, mapmaking, and toilets$ Three of m# favorite topi&s together at last5 '&t"all# I/m 3"st kidding abo"t the toilets part$ 1"t &artograph# and politi&s go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong5 >o" ma# remember Metro :raphi& 'rts and its Graphic Street Guide map books$ I growed "p with those$ The# were street maps of vario"s &ities.espe&iall# in the Midwest.p"blished 7in &onvenient book form$8 These pop"lar maps were "s"all# printed in bla&k and white, tho"gh o&&asionall# #o"/d see a Metro :raphi& 'rts wall map where the &ities wo"ld be shaded in &olor$ There was nothing politi&al at all abo"t these maps$ 1"t there/s some important parallels between m#self and Metro :raphi& 'rts$

Metro :raphi& 'rts was fo"nded d"ring the :reat Depression b# one 9red Dohnson in +alama*oo, Mi&higan, and later moved to :rand <apids$ 6e was "nderemplo#ed at the time and be&ame interested in &artograph#$ !o he prod"&ed a map of +alama*oo that sold well and helped la"n&h his mapmaking b"siness$ !imilarl#, I started (eftMaps d"ring the still ongoing (and apparentl# permanent) :ingri&hE1"shE:reenspan re&ession as a wa# to keep ma#onnaise on the table$ ' Grand Rapids Press arti&le from 200A.the #ear I began (eftMaps, whi&h was also the #ear after Dohnson/s death.said Metro :raphi& 'rts was on borrowed time$ The blab said it was be&a"se folks were starting to "se :,!/s and the Internet instead of print maps$ Metro :raphi& 'rts was e2pe&ted to go o"t of b"siness within weeks$ 's fate wo"ld have it, Metro :raphi& 'rts went on to be p"r&hased b# another &ompan#$ Their maps are now more &olorf"l, and while the# tr# to mimi& some of the old Metro :raphi& 'rts t#pograph# (most of whi&h dates at least as far ba&k as the F9C0s), highwa# bridges are no longer rendered properl#$ >o" &an tell the# digiti*ed their map data, be&a"se it/s hard for a &omp"ter to draw a bridge$ 6ow do I differ from Metro :raphi& 'rtsG I &all m# endeavor (eftMaps.s"ggesting its politi&al &hara&ter$ Not onl# do m# highl# detailed maps of 4in&innati area neighborhoods show streets and bike paths b"t also sites that have infl"en&ed the area/s modern politi&al development$ I even "se a spe&ial s#mbol.a fist grasping an O.for =&&"p# rallies, and I tr# to show the paths of =&&"p# mar&hes too$ The maps have "sed a st#li*ed elephant (like the <ep"bli&an ,art# s#mbol) for right wing sites, b"t this s#mbol is being phased o"t in favor of des&riptions I plan to add to ea&h map$ =n the other hand, most b"ildings, streets, and other points of interest shown on m# maps have absol"tel# no politi&al signifi&an&e whatsoever$ It/s hard to politi&i*e an alle# in !o"thgate or an elevation &onto"r (tr# as tho"gh the Tea ,art# might)$ 's another feat"re of m# maps/ progressive pop"list &hara&ter, I do not re&ogni*e &orporate naming 7rights8 of sports fa&ilities$ Th"s, the &olise"m is still referred to as the 4rown (a name it hasn/t 7offi&iall#8 borne sin&e F999)$ Most (if not all) the maps I/ve &ompleted so far are in the hooper for "pdates this #ear, and I/ll be p"tting o"t some new maps too$$$ 'nd sin&e (eftMaps is a b"siness, after all, that website in&l"des a b"tton where I panhandle for donations$

Hotels and %o it"""toget#er at last$
I/m a travelin/ man, and I &an/t get eno"gh of hilario"s hotel reviews5 1a&k in !eptember, I regaled #o" with the "nending heehawiness of bad motel reviews posted online$ I/ve mined several more bad reviews and I &an/t wait to make #o" peep @em all5 I fo"nd a review of an inn in (as Hegas where a man fo"nd dried vomit in his bed$ 6e &omplained that the dried "p&h"&k 7was in &onta&t with m# head area8 for several nights$ This real life )n&#&lopedia 1rown said 7f"rther inspe&tion8 fo"nd that dried vomit from the same so"r&e had also to"&hed his girlfriend/s head$ %hen he asked for the room to be servi&ed, the hotel peeps apparentl# got "tterl# wasted in his room and left behind their &hampagne bottle$ ' g"est of an 'ri*ona hotel &omplained of a 7pile of vomit, #es vomit, "nder the bed8 b"t was glad to finall# be given a 7vomit free room$8 I didn/t know vomit &o"ld be formed into a 7pile$8 ' p"ddle perhaps, or ma#be a riv"let, b"t not a 7pile$8 It/s kind of like how we/ve all heard of i&ebergs, b"t never a waterberg$ (That/s what I tell people who den# that &limate &hange will &a"se the o&eans to rise when i&ebergs melt$) ' hotel in Milwa"kee was a&&"sed of having vomit in the elevator and ants in the bed$ ' reviewer also said that the 7breakfast is sad$8 I envision pie&es of +aboom &ereal sporting a frown# fa&e$ !ome of the worst reviews I/ve seen latel# are for a hotel in Illinois$ =ne g"est left after 20 min"tes and said, 7=nl# thing this room was good for was to &all another hotel$8 =ne reviewer said the &eiling &ollapsed onto the belongings of other folks in their gro"p$ 'nother said the# &hose this hotel onl# be&a"se it had a sa"na, b"t fo"nd that the sa"na was being "sed to store all the broken air &onditioners$ ' &ondom wrapper was also fo"nd in their room$ ' g"est who held a tea&hers/ &onferen&e at this inn reported that there was bird shit on the &arpeting$ 'nother reviewer said the# fo"nd pop&orn in their bed, and another &omplained that an emplo#ee had 7his b"tt

hanging o"t of his pants$8 'nother warned of 7a stink# room$8 ' visitor of a 9lorida motel said that when he got into bed, he 7fo"nd poop$ It wasn/t a stain$ It was poop$8 'n establishment in (os 'ngeles was said to have 7piles of h"man fe&es b# #o"r bed8 and 7a pie&e of fe&es in the hall$8 'nother g"est of that hotel said the se&"rit# g"ard woke them "p in the middle of the night and made them go down to the front desk 3"st so the &lerk &o"ld arg"e with them abo"t their &redit &ard$ ' g"est of a Hirginia hotel &omplained abo"t 7"rine on toilet8 and even "ploaded a photo$ 'nother said that 7the toilet had pee "nder the seat$8 =n the other hand, some reviewers 3"st like to whine, and the# &omplained that the TH was of the old pi&t"re t"be variet# instead of a flats&reen$ :et over it, people5 D"st for the la"ghs of it, I looked "p reviews for a hotel I sta#ed at on a re&ent road trip$ ' g"est noted that mi&e seemed to be storing &r"mbs where the floor met the wall, and another said there were 7,==, 1IT! ()9T !M)'<)D =N T=I()T %'((!$8 1est all, the sign for 7pool8 said 7poo$8 6onest, I didn/t noti&e that when I was there5 'll of this is dwarfed b# what o&&"rred at the swank# 4rowne ,la*a in Indianapolis last #ear when the N9( held its s&o"ting gathering there$ The Los Angeles Times reported that prospe&tive footballers left 7fe&es and "rine s&attered in the bathroom8 and toothpaste all over a mirror$ Damie 4omer/s gonna be mad5 Then again, the Tea ,art# ba&ked +ent"&k# 'gri&"lt"re 4ommissioner doesn/t have to pa# for his 4rowne ,la*a sta#s, be&a"se he 3"st bills the ta2pa#ers instead$

&oogle gar'ages in its &arani als
Ma3or headline news5 :oogle 'd!ense still owes me the ad reven"es the# &heated me o"t of I #ears ago when the# &losed m# a&&o"nt and didn/t tell me wh#$ =f &o"rse, it/s a fa&t that these thieves wo"ldn/t have &losed m# a&&o"nt if I ran a conservative website, b"t it/s bad eno"gh that the# stole m# mone# for any reason$ :oogle/s thefts from other 'd!ense or 'd%ords "sers has &ontin"ed in re&ent months$ 9olks have noted that :oogle has &losed their a&&o"nts right before the# wo"ld have re&eived a h"ge pa#ment from the ads$ )a&h time, :oogle has ref"sed to pa# their "sers the reven"es the# had &oming$ =ne "ser reports that :oogle #anked their a&&o"nt be&a"se the# "sed the word prostitute in an arti&le against se2 traffi&king$ :oogle p"lled the a&&o"nt of titani&$&om be&a"se the first J letters of the domain name spell tit$ The# revoked golf$&om/s a&&o"nt be&a"se the site "sed the term XXX as a si*e for golf &lothes$ (:oogle m"st have an @A0s fetish5 I bet the folks at :oogle wo"ld rea&h for the Dergens if the site had golf shirts with the &ollars t"rned "p$) :oogle revoked the a&&o"nts of websites abo"t to#s be&a"se the# tho"ght the# meant sex toys$ The#/ve got some dirt# minds over at :oogle$ It gets poopier$ Now :oogle sa#s on its own site that if #o" &an&el #o"r 'd!ense a&&o"nt on #o"r own, #o" won/t be paid if #o"r a&&o"nt has a 7hold8 on it.whi&h means :oogle is investigating #o"r a&&o"nt for invalid &li&ks b"t hasn/t a&t"all# proven it$ I/ve said it before and I/ll sa# it againK There o"ght to be a law$ 'nd to think the ma#or of Topeka, +ansas, wanted to rename his &it# to :oogleG Meanwhile.there/s eno"gh meanwhiles in m# arti&les for an installment of 7Dennifer =f The D"ngle8. the bla&klisting of m# websites b# the Internet ad ind"str# &ontin"es$ I/ve signed "p with #et another 7alternative8 to 'd!ense, b"t their site didn/t let me a &reate a pla&ement for m# ads$ %hen I &onta&ted s"pport, the# told me to$$$&onta&t s"pport$

(an 'oycotts 'ar for not letting #i

poop in urinal

%ow, this is what I &all fightin’ The an! )ven more so than posting ads for s&hool "niforms on =&&"p# 4in&innati/s 9a&ebook page$ ' bar in %inder, :eorgia, has been the lo&"s of a stink# sit"ation$ ' fight broke o"t there be&a"se a &"stomer defe&ated in a "rinal$ '&&ording to the lo&al newspaper, a bo"n&er asked him to leave be&a"se he dropped a load 7in a "rinal made for "rinating$8 >o" mean it wasn/t a "rinal made for &ooking so"p or mi2ing paintG If it was a "rinal made for defe&ating, wo"ldn/t it be &alled a defe&al insteadG The &"stomer said he ref"ses to ever go ba&k to that bar be&a"se the# won/t let him shit in the "rinal$


ore t#ings c#ange* t#e

ore t#e ass#oles stay t#e sa e

Is an#one still foolish eno"gh to arg"e that something sho"ldn/t have been done abo"t these Na*is ba&k in I still keep an e#e on spoiled brats who assa"lted me at s&hool when I was growing "p$ %hen #o" get sl"gged in the head C0 times a da# thro"gho"t most of middle and high s&hool.all be&a"se s&hool offi&ials "ust didn’t li#e sta#s with #o" for a damn long time$ ,l"s, m# &lassmates who atta&ked me still made harassing phone &alls to me when we were over J0, so the# need to be wat&hed like a hawk$ Now we have something we didn/t have in F9AIK 9a&ebook$ %at&hing the a&tivit# on these assholes/ 9a&ebook pages is ver# instr"&tive$ I feel like a dete&tive5 I/ve alread# &a"ght one of them.who is not on m# friends list, b# the wa#.posting ra&ist material and bragging abo"t hoarding assa"lt weapons$ I s"pport the !e&ond 'mendment as m"&h as an#one, b"t come on! %e/re talking abo"t a g"# who/d alread# proven himself to be among the few individ"als too irresponsible to own a g"n$ I went to s&hool with this right wing weirdsmobile for #ears, and I know$ Now I/ve fo"nd another idiot from m# s&hool #ears on 9a&ebook being 3"st as st"pidta&"lar$ Not onl# does he have a long &riminal re&ord, b"t he also dedi&ates m"&h of his page to defending ,hil <obertson, the right wing bigot who stars on $uc# $ynasty$ 's his profile photo, he even "ses a pi&t"re of <obertson with d"&t tape over his mo"th$ 6e &omplains that <obertson/s 7religio"s freedom8 is being violated$ I/m not gonna p"bli&l# name the 2 former s&hoolmates dis&"ssed above."nless the# tr# to press their l"&k$ I don/t even know if the# know I/m on 9a&ebook$ >o"/d think the#/d know, sin&e the# were on&e so obsessed with me, b"t ma#be the# think I won/t see what the# sa#, be&a"se the first &lown mentioned above was also seen reminis&ing with members of his &adre abo"t harassing me$ 6e didn/t mention me b# name, b"t he made a fleeting referen&e to one obs&"re detail of what went on$ That was posted on the page of #et another of the assholes$ 'lso, in the mid @90s, someone with the same first and last name as #et another of these &reeps wrote a bigoted letter to the letters page of the %entuc#y Post$ I/m almost &ertain it was him$ =ne of the ke# reasons I wear the label of progressive pop"lism is so people &an live freel#$ This is 'meri&a$ If #o" don/t want to treat people fairl#, get o"t of the area$ >o" have a &hoi&e to either live awa# from a pop"lated area, where there/s nobod# aro"nd who might displease #o".or leave people alone$ In an# event, mind #o"r own f"&king b"siness$ I will not sit silent while a &liL"e of right wing th"gs promotes bias against hardworking Americans, even those who are &omplete strangers to me$ I might not be a member of an# gro"p of people being targeted, b"t the di&kheads who atta&ked me in s&hool will not den# 'meri&ans the right to live freel# toda#$

!ome F0 or FC #ears ago, folks on the Internet freL"entl# praised :eneral )le&tri&/s !"peradio III for its s"pposedl# e2&ellent 'ME9M re&eption$ 1"t later developments have silen&ed these k"dos$ In these parts, we take re&eption serio"sl#$ I believe this fetish began #ears earlier when 4in&innati stations started banning songs over 7dirt#8 l#ri&s and deleting these re&ords from American Top &', so importing o"t of town signals be&ame a mesmeri*ing prospe&t$ If o"t of town stations were better than lo&al offerings, wo"ldn/t #o" tr# to find a radio that &o"ld re&eive themG :) to the res&"e5 I/m not a fan of big &orporations, b"t I/ve had positive e2perien&es with :)/s &ons"mer ele&troni&s$ %ho better to prod"&e a radio with s"perior t"ningG 1"t I m"st have missed the !"peradio boat$ 't the height of the !"peradio/s pop"larit#, a friend of mine owned one$ !he said that.&ontrar# to earlier reports of the !"peradio/s high L"alit#.this parti&"lar radio &o"ld re&eive nothing b"t stati& on 'M and onl# 2 stations on 9M$ 'nd both the 9M stations were heard over ea&h other .like 2 people sho"ting ea&h other down."p and down the entire 9M dial$ !he brang her !"peradio over to m# pla&e, and she was F00M right$ The radio was of no "se whatsoever$ The !"peradio has now been gathering d"st "nder an old nightstand in m# apartment for well over a de&ade$ Despite being onl# J miles from the tower of one of the most powerf"l 9M stations in 4in&innati, I &o"ldn/t even pi&k it "p on the !t"poradio$ Not like I/d want to, b"t it/s the prin&iple that matters$ I/d never met a radio with s"&h bad t"ning$ Internet reviews sin&e then bear this o"t$ <eviews of this on&e pop"lar prod"&t sin&e then have been almost "niversall# bad$ =ne reviewer on 'ma*on said the !"peradio 7"sed to be a great radio8 b"t newer ones 7are "nable to t"ne stations nearl# as well as the older radios$8 =ne person &alled it 7the worst radio I ever tried in over -0 #ears$8 'nother reviewer &"t to the heart of the problem$ The# said the newer !"peradios were 3"st the

vastl# inferior <4' BAAB rebranded as the !"peradio$ <4' of &o"rse was also on&e a respe&ted brand$ 1" I/ve told #o" before.the <4' name has fallen to ra&k and r"in, as eviden&ed b# the travails of an <4' television I b"#ed in the mid 2000s$ :) and <4' are b# no means the onl# &ompanies g"ilt# of p"tting their names on ele&troni&s that don/t L"ite meas"re "p to their past high standards$ =ther firms do it too$ N"alit# of t"ning on radios has gotten progressivel# worse for de&ades$ The 944 could mandate that radios have better t"ning.b"t won/t$ That/s be&a"se radio stations have 7territor#8 that the# aim to prote&t$ %hile the TH ind"str# has DM'/s.viewing areas with no overlap whatsoever .the radio ind"str# "ses 'rbitron/s metropolitan areas, whi&h also have ver# little overlap$ !o that/s the stor# of the sad de&line of the :) !"peradio III$
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