You are on page 1of 6

!"# %#&'" () *#(+,# '"# %-.

!#&."#0 1# & 2#00(3
! #$%% &' %'&()* +) ,$%)&- .+'/- -0) 0'**'*, '1 2$'%)&3)4

By }ane uilgun

eoige the uuck was muiueieu in }uly 2u1S at hei home in Rivei Walk, San
Antonio, Texas. Bei last minutes weie caught on a web cam. Late at night, two
men in white t-shiits giabbeu ueoige, who was sleeping next to a lamp post.
They laugheu anu shouteu as they helu hei by the neck, kickeu hei, wiung hei neck,
anu then saunteieu uown the walk as she uangleu ueau fiom theii hanus. They
thiew hei into the San Antonio Rivei, laughing all the way.

Foi yeais, ueoige was an attiaction foi touiists anu San Antonians alike. She'u walk
up to people as if knew them anu often poseu with them foi photos anu viueos. She
also has babies. Bei husbanu was a mallaiu, anu so the babies uon't look exactly like
ueoige, but they caiiy hei genes anu hopefully hei spiiit.

!"# %#&'" () *#(+,# &- !.//.0, 1(.0'

I just leaineu the stoiy of ueoige the uuck anu immeuiately ueciueu that my
uecaues-long ieluctance is ovei. Nevei again, not evei, will holu back on telling
stoiies of what violence looks like anu how it feels to be the taiget of violence. Nevei
again will I woiiy that if I sensationalize violence if I tell the stoiies I have heaiu.
The ueath of ueoige, a uuck, has stiuck me ueeply as ciuel anu hoiiific. That choiu
is fai too familiai. At times, it has been moie than I thought I coulu beai. I hau uone
inteiview ieseaich with peipetiatois of violence since 198S.

The laughing glee of the muiueieis ieminus me of the glee that I heaiu as people
they tolu me stoiies of the violence they committeu÷on people anu sometimes on
animals, such as souomizing a chicken. 0ne man tolu me that he got the best
oigasms when he hau penetiateu a chicken anu then slammeu hei heau in a uooi.
The spasm of the chicken was exquisite. Ecstasy.

uet it. I'm uone pussy footing anu moly couuling. If ieaueis uon't want to know
what violence looks like, I encouiage them not to ieau this aiticle. Stop iight heie.
Stop when you get to the chicken pait. Stop when you get to "ueoige the uuck was
muiueieu." You may have goou ieasons why you uon't want to ieau such stuff. Take
caie of youiself. Bo what you've got to uo. To be honest, anothei ieason I haven't
publisheu most of what I've alieauy wiitten because the stoiies sometimes
tiaumatize me. Well, I just have to pull myself togethei, uon't I. I've suie woikeu on
myself long enough.

It's time foi me anu the iest of us who can beai it to uig in anu take a goou haiu look
at violence. Let's join my Sicilian ielatives who say "Basta" when they've hau
enough. I've hau enough. Basta. The ueath of ueoige the uuck was my tipping point.

Beie goes.

Beie's one of the hunuieus of stoiies I've wiitten anu nevei publisheu. This stoiy
will show you what violence is foi one human being. So will all the otheis I have to
tell. Stay tuneu. I'm going to publish them. Naybe you will ieach youi tipping point
anu uo something about violence. Thank you, ueoige. You have many legacies.

!"# 2'(+3 () & 2#+.&4 5&/.-'
6"( 78/#+.#09#: '"# ;<=-# () >".4:+#0 &- ?(@#

I woulu actually go thiough mental battles befoie I iapeu. It woulu be like, it
was like I was two uiffeient people. I'u be talking. Sometimes I'u even talk veibally:
"You can't uo this." The one that was saying, "You can't uo this," was ieal gentle, uocile
type inuiviuual. The one that was the, "Yeah, I can uo this," was a ieal belligeient, evil,
what I consiuei evil type inuiviuual.
Eventually it woulu come uown to the uominant one woulu just tell the uocile
one, "Fuck you. Shut the fuck up. We'ie going to uo this," anu that's the way it woulu
come out. That's the way it woulu be anu (fingei snap) the othei one woulu just
All the time that the iapes weie going on, it woulu be like this one woulu be
stanuing up theie watching anu woulu be in pain about it. The uominant one woulu
feel poweiful. }ust seemeu like eveiy time I iapeu that inuiviuual got moie anu moie
anu moie anu moie poweiful. The othei one got weakei anu weakei because it's like I
was losing pait of me.
I wasn't beating them because I woulu snatch them up by the neck anu apply
just enough piessuie to get them to consent. They knew they weie going to uie. They
woulu give in. I'u just tell them, "You'ie going uo eveiy uamn thing I tell you to uo. You
have no choice." That's the way it was. I uiun't beat anybouy up. I uiun't hit women.
Ny ma tolu me, "You uon't hit women," anu I nevei hit women.
I was the gieatest aiounu kius. You know what I'm saying (chuckle). That's
the pait that's so messeu up. I can play with kius. They'll all have fun anu they'll all
want to be theie with me, have a goou time.
With kius, it's weiiu. It was like waim, comfoitable, gentle. It was like making
love. I think it's the othei type inuiviuual if it's with chiluien, the one that was uocile
anu stuff. Kius÷it's wheie he belongeu. That's wheie he fit in. Theie wasn't anybouy
thieatening him. When it was moie poweiful, put piessuie on him. I uon't know how
to explain it. (big sigh)
It was like, all iight, like you coulu be a thieat, okay, if you weie theie, okay,
because you'ie an auult. You coulu thieaten this othei type of inuiviuual, the small,
uocile one. When he's with kius, okay, he coulu have powei ovei kius because they
coulun't huit him in any way. So he hau his powei theie because you uon't hit women.
I uon't know why I wanteu to be sexual with kius.
The love, the love that I expeiienceu, the gentleness that I evei expeiienceu, the
caiing that I evei expeiienceu in my life came fiom Kyle Wallace. The piice foi all that
was having sex with him. 0kay. Be was gentle with me. Be was kinu to me. 0kay. Be
uiun't hit me. Be uiun't thieaten me. That was the same type of stuff that I uiu with
kius. I enjoyeu sex with Kyle.
I went thiough a thing about being a homosexual about that. That was ieally
weiiu. I was nine, ten, eleven, twelve until I got into the state tiaining school. Foui oi
five yeais I was sexual with Kyle. Ny fathei was beating me with a iubbei hose. It's
just a flip flop. Sex staiteu with Kyle anu I. Be useu to take a couple of us kius
swimming. Then he just staiteu taking me by myself.
When I was in the state tiaining school, that was incoiiigibility but that was foi
like chilu molesting. I was messing with kius that weie like my own age. They ieally
uiun't call it chilu molesting because it was all the same age. This was going on like
when I was ten, eleven, twelve yeais olu. I was also being molesteu at that time, too, by
Kyle, who owneu the faim next uooi. Be molesteu othei boys, too. Be nevei got
Ny mothei's boyfiienu useu to come home uiunk anu beat my ma. I useu to
jump on him anu hiue the kius fiist anu then jump on him until he woulu get off hei
anu stait beating on me. Then she'u get away, anu then I'u get away. That was the
noimal pattein when he came home. I shot at him with a shotgun, just beebees, hit
him in the back. Be was on the poich, anu I shot fiom the living ioom. Nost of the
beebeees hit the poich. Some of them went into him.
They took me to a state home. I wanteu to kill that man. I was eight. I went to a
juvenile oiphanage home. It was a faim. I was the youngest peison theie, too. That's
wheie I leaineu to love animals.
I was also iapeu when I was six. Thiee teenageis that I uiun't know. They maue
me suck them off, anu they uiu me in the butt. }ust about anything that they wanteu to
uo. They tolu me they'u kill me if I tolu. I was with a fiienu. I tolu him to iun away. Be
uiu. I nevei saw him again. Be liveu iight acioss the stieet fiom me. I stoppeu
wanting to live a long time. I stoppeu wanting to live when I got iapeu. Yet I woulun't
tell anybouy. They saiu they'u kill me if I tolu. That kept me fiom telling so I must have
wanteu to live.
I think I was mixeu up because I thoughts when I was a kiu to shoot myself anu
stuff. I knew how to hanule guns. Ny fathei taught me how to hanule guns ieal well. I
was a ieal goou shot. I knew what it woulu take to kill somebouy anu what it woulu
take to kill myself. I think I was in the piocess of making that uecision. I nevei let
anybouy know anything about me. Why shoulu I. I figuieu I wasn't going to be
aiounu long enough anyway.
I know I hau a lot of hatieu just towaius eveiybouy, mainly men. I always felt
like I hau no powei ovei men. I think it hau a lot to uo with why I iape women because
I coulu get powei ovei them but I coulun't get it ovei a man.
Then I almost killeu myself on uiugs when I was about seventeen. I went to the
hospital anu the uoctoi that I was seeing tolu me, he says, "You want some help. We
got some people who will come up heie anu talk to you." They took some tests on me,
anu these two guys come in, little snooty looking guys. 0ne of them tolu me I was
paianoiu schizophienic anu shoulu be lockeu up foi the iest of my life (laugh). So I
kinu of tolu him to kiss my feet. Then my uoctoi that was tieating me foi malnutiition
anu othei stuff that I was into askeu me if I ieally wanteu to get some help. I saiu,
"Yeah, I uo,"
If you let people get close all that iesults in that is that you get huit. You eithei
get huit because they tuin aiounu anu walk away. I still have that belief. That
anybouy you get close to is
going to leaveA Peiiou. So I'm alieauy piepaieu foi that. Kinu of a ieal funky way to go
into a ielationship with anybouy but that's the way it is, you know.
The othei pait of it is that if it's men they'ie going to want sex fiom you if they
get close. So you uon't let them close. That way you uon't have to give them sex. Right.
To this uay at 42 yeais olu if I get into a ioom with a man I'm veiy neivous. I uon't
allow anybouy to know it, but I'm veiy neivous because I think that's what's coming.
I think the uay that I stop feeling like that will be the uay that I know I have
enough powei anu contiol not to huit people.
Now theie's some bestiality into this too, foi about thiee yeais in my eaily
twenties. It was bizaiie. I was uoing a lot of uiugs. A hoise anu cow. That's having sex
with animals. This is going to be ieal gioss, but this is the way it was. It seemeu like
sex to me was just a place to uump youi nut.
I can't think of a bettei way to put it. That's just the way it was in my heau, even
incluuing sex that I hau with women. I was living with a giil name Sam. I useu to have
sex with hei two, thiee times a uay. It was just like a bettei place to mastuibate. I
know its sounus weiiu but that's the way it was. I've nevei been satisfieu sexually. It
was moie like my uick was a weapon, was a gun. This is how I biutalize. Insteau of
hitting women this is what I uiu to them because you can't hit women.
I woulu make women give me oial sex, anal sex, vaginal sex. Whatevei I
wanteu, that's what I uiu. Whatevei I wanteu them to uo, I maue suie they uiu.
Poweiful. Nobouy coulu huit me.
You get the ielease anu the feel goou. I think that's why theie was so much sex with my
victims. It was just because I'u give a nut anu then two minutes latei I'm haiu, anu I
want to go uo it again. Ny last victim, I hau hei foi eleven houis in a hotel ioom having
sex with hei. You know, that's (sigh) not noimal behavioi when you gun seveial nutsA
When I'm in a ielationship, it's kinu of the way I show I love--having sex with
them. I've tiieu to explain it to people anu they have no concept of what that means,
but if f you go back to look at what I hau with Kyle, that's the way I expiesseu what I
felt foi him is that I gave him sex.
I always wanteu to. I hau this thing about wanting to uie, but yet, I was one of
the stiongest suivivois that I know. Ny mothei taught me to suivive. That was the
one thing that she taught me ieal well was how to suivive. "You will suivive in any
given situation." I've suiviveu the paiish piisons in Louisiana, just being in theie foi
like thiity uays. They aie holes. They aie hell holes. They aie hell holes. I mean
they'ie nasty. We'ie talking about iats anu cockioaches anu bugs that you haven't
evei seen, anu like movie shit that they show how haiu it is. I suiviveu that anu kept
mentally focuseu.
You got to the enu. Congiatulations. The moie we take it in, the moie likely we aie
to stanu up to the social foices that shape people who uo with this man uoes. Biu
this stoiy give you iueas about what to uo. Then uo it.
This is a classic case of an abuseu chilu becoming an abusei. This man became an
abusei because no one helpeu him as a chilu. Be has expeiienceu complex tiauma
anu N0 0NE BELPEB BIN. If anyone hau been kinu to him anu hau establisheu a
long-teim ielationship of tiust with him anu helpeu him ueal with his many
tiaumas, he woulu not have uone what he uiu. Be woulu not believe what he
believes. Think about it, foi goouness sake. Bo something. Leain about attachment
as the founuation foi chiluien leaining to cope with tiauma.

5#)#+#09#- &0: 2(=+9#-

ueoige the uuck gets beat to ueath by thugs. YouTube.

uilgun, }ane F. (2u14, }anuaiy 16). The Bucks of Rivei Walk, San Antonio. YouTube.

uilgun, }ane F. (2u1S). The logic of muiueious iampages. Amazon.

uilgun, }ane F. (2u12) 50) 67859: 8 30$%; < 1.=$%> .,,),,=)&- (2
eu.). Amazon.

uilgun, }ane F. (2u11) ?0$%; ,)@/.% .+/,): A*'= 0.*,0 *).%$-$), -' 0'B) (2

Kiuu, Sue Nonk. (2uu2). 50) ,)3*)- %$1) '1 +)),4 New Yoik: Penguin.
Liebeiman, Alicia F. (2uu4). Tiaumatic stiess anu quality of attachment: Reality anu
inteinalization in uisoiueis of infant mental health. !&1.&- C)&-.% D).%-0 E'/*&.%F

National Chilu Tiaumatic Stiess Netwoik. http:¡¡www.nctsn.oig¡tiauma-
types¡complex-tiauma¡assessment. Retiieveu }anuaiy 1S, 2u14.
Tiauma Centei a Bivision of }ustice Resouice Institute.
http:¡¡www.tiaumacentei.oig. Retiieveu 11 }anuaiy 2u14.

van uei Kolk, Bessel A. (2uuS). Bevelopmental Tiauma Bisoiuei: A new, iational
uiagnosis foi chiluien with complex tiauma histoiies. L,>30$.-*$3 8&&.%, MHIHKF S9u-
S98. Available fiee on-line at
uf. Retiieveu }anuaiy 1u, 2u14.

;<(=' '"# ;='"(+

}ane F. uilgun, PhB, LICSW, is a piofessoi, School of Social Woik, 0niveisity of
Ninnesota, Twin Cities.