It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia "The Gang Has a Pub Sale" Written By Zach Mahassine

807 N. Alfred St, Apt #5 West Hollywood, CA 90069 315.941.8478

COLD OPEN TITLE: 11:30 am TITLE: On a Thursday TITLE: Philadelphia, PA OVER TITLES WE HEAR: DEE (V.O.) That’s just ridiculous. MAC (V.O.) I so could do it, dude. DEE (V.O.) No, you couldn’t. MAC (V.O.) Dennis, back me up. FADE IN: INT. PADDY’S PUB. AT THE BAR. DAY. Dennis, Mac, and Dee sit at the bar drinking beers. DENNIS As much as I hate to do it, I’m going to have to agree with Sweet Dee on this one, Mac. MAC Well, maybe not on a bike, but in a foot race I’d wreck that jabroni. DENNIS No, no. Even in a foot race. Lance Armstrong would destroy you. MAC The man only has one ball. DENNIS You say that like it is a bad thing. MAC How is having one ball ever a good thing?


DENNIS Think about it. By removing one of his balls, Lance Armstrong has made his body lighter and more aerodynamic. He’s crafted a finely tuned racing machine. DEE Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold on. Are you trying to say that Lance Armstrong, removed one of his testicles to win a race? DENNIS Yes, Dee. That is exactly what I am saying. DEE The man had cancer. DENNIS It was a cover. Everybody roots for the guy with cancer. MAC He almost died. DENNIS Right... but he didn’t though, did he? He got better, and now he makes a fortune on those hideous looking bracelets. DEE Those are for charity. DENNIS Sure they are, Dee. Keep telling yourself that. Charlie walks into the bar carrying a large garbage bag. CHARLIE Guys. Guys. Guys. I just saw this show and it gave me a great idea. MAC Charlie. Do you think I could beat Lance Armstrong in a race? CHARLIE Oh, definitely dude.


MAC Thank you. There, you see? CHARLIE The guy has to be like a hundred by now, right? And I feel like you never get used to being back on Earth once you walked on the moon. Charlie dumps the contents of the garbage bag onto the bar. DENNIS/DEE/MAC What the hell?/Come on, Charlie./Dude! CHARLIE Huh? What do you think? DENNIS I think you just made this bar look even worse than it did before. What’s going on? CHARLIE Well, I was watching this show. These people bring some of their shit to this dude, and this dude looks at it and tells them its worth like a million bucks. MAC Dude! "Antiques Roadshow." That show is sa-weet. CHARLIE Right? I figured, I’ve got tons of shit. Shit I’ll never need. I could sell it and buy like a mansion or a rocket ship or something. Hey! Do you think Lance Armstrong would sell his to me? DENNIS I think you’re on to something, Charlie, not about the rocket ship - that’s just plain stupid - but there is potential for a lot of money to be made here. DEE Who’s going to be stupid enough to buy your crap?


MAC People are morons, Dee. They’ll buy anything. CHARLIE Yeah. Haven’t you ever heard the saying: "One man’s trash becomes another man’s trash?" DEE It’s "one man’s trash is another man’s treasure." CHARLIE Why would anyone throw away treasure Dee? You don’t go throwing away treasure, unless you’re like a pirate or something. MAC Pirates don’t throw away treasure, Charlie. They bury it. CHARLIE Right. Leprechauns throw away treasure. MAC No, Leprechauns hide treasure. CHARLIE Magicians? MAC Make treasure disappear, but they usually bring it back. CHARLIE The point is, no one throws away treasure. People only throw away their shit. We’re just going to sell ours. DEE So you’re having a garage sale? DENNIS No. No. No, Sweet Dee. We’re having a pub sale. CUT TO:


MAIN TITLES Title: "The Gang Has a Pub Sale" Title: "It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia" ACT ONE: FADE IN: INT. PADDY’S PUB. NEAR THE BOOTHS. THE NEXT DAY. Dennis is setting up his station. There are posters of him in seductive poses modeling the clothes. He dresses a mannequin. Dee walks into the bar out of breath, struggling to push her box of stuff. Shoes fall out as she pushes. DEE Dennis... a little... help? DENNIS Kinda busy here, Dee. Dennis smooths out the shirt on the mannequin. Dee stops pushing and begins taking things out. DEE Where’d you get the mannequin? DENNIS Woah! What the hell do you think you are doing?! DEE I’m setting up my stuff for the garage sale. DENNIS Nope. Not right here you’re not. DEE What? Why not? DENNIS Dee, do I really have to explain this to you? Are you really that dumb? DEE You’re dumb. Do you - do you smell that?


Charlie walks in with a garbage bag full of stuff and dumps it on the bar then walks back out. DEE No.... Is that... Are you... Are you wearing cologne? DENNIS I’m glad you noticed. I’ve sprayed it over all of my clothes. Everywhere. As soon as anyone walks into the bar, they will be compelled to instantly come over to my area. It’s all part of my three tier marketing strategy: An attractive display, light jazz music, and the irresistible scent of Drakkar Noir. DEE You smell like Frank’s sweaty balls. Mac walks in with a garbage bag full of stuff and dumps in on the bar. He stops. MAC Is that Drakkar? DENNIS See? Now get out of here, Dee. Just being next to you will bring down the value of everything I have. DEE Fine. Can you at least help me move the box? It weighs like a ton. DENNIS Well, you should have thought of that before, shouldn’t you have? Dee starts pushing her box to the pool table area of the bar. Charlie walks in again with another bag full of garbage and dumps it on the bar. Dennis walks over to them hurriedly.


INT. PADDY’S PUB. NEAR THE BAR. CONTINUOUS. DENNIS Stop! What do you guys think you’re doing? MAC Dennis, look at all this awesome shit Charlie had at his apartment. DENNIS You’re making this place look like a dump. Is that a used tooth brush? CHARLIE Whoops. How’d that guy get in there? Charlie runs it cross his teeth and then puts it in his pocket. Dennis begins looking through the pile. DENNIS No one is going to buy this stuff, Look, this comb only has four teeth, and is that - is that a half eaten bag of chips? Frank walks into the bar with another bag of garbage and dumps it on the bar. FRANK What smells like my balls? DEE (O.S.) That’s Dennis’ marketing strategy. DENNIS Come on! CHARLIE Yo, Mac. Maybe we should do a little bit of our own marketering strategies. Bring some more people into the bar. Hang up some fliers. Advertising and whatnot. MAC Say no more Charlie, I’m in. This place is emptier than Dee’s bedroom on a Saturday night. Dennis, can you handle this until I get back?

8. DENNIS Get out of here before I murder the both of you. MAC Thanks, man. CHARLIE Yoink. Charlie takes the bag of chips from Dennis and he and Mac leave. DENNIS Idiots. FRANK Yeah. Morons. Frank runs the comb from the junk pile through his hair. CUT TO: EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD. LATER. Mac and Charlie are walking up the sidewalk. Charlie is eating the "junk pile chips." He hands out fliers to people as they walk by: A MOM PUSHING STROLLER. A MAN WALKING HIS DOG. A thirteen year-old BOY IN ROLLERBLADES. MAC Pretty sweet, bro. CHARLIE I know, right? Think of how much more you could do if you had monkey feet. You could hang from trees and eat a whole mess of bananas and, and hold more extra stuff than you usually could. MAC Yeah. Yeah. You know what I’m going to buy with the money? CHARLIE No. What? Tell me. Come on. Tell me. I want to know. Tell me now. MAC Jesus, Charlie. Calm down... A dunebuggy.


CHARLIE A dunebuggy? MAC Hell, yeah. A badass dunebuddy. CHARLIE Why would you waste your money on a dunebuggy? MAC It wouldn’t be a waste - - Chicks dig dudes in dunebuggies. CHARLIE Is that true? MAC Of course its true, Charlie. Everyone knows that. CHARLIE I’ve never heard that. I think you might be making it up. MAC I’m not - I’m not making it up. Goddammit, Charlie, chicks dig dunebuggies. CHARLIE Whatever man, all right. Calm down. Chicks dig dunebuggies. You’re right. MAC Thank you! CHARLIE (to himself) But, they dig monkeys more. An ATTRACTIVE WOMAN walks by, smiling at Mac. He takes one of the fliers from Charlie and hands it to her. MAC Hi. How are ya? Hi. She has a confused look on her face and then walks away. CHARLIE Dude. She was hot.


MAC Oh my God. So hot. Right? CHARLIE So hot. You should show her your dunebuggy. MAC But, what was that look she gave us? CHARLIE I wasn’t going to say anything you saw that? I felt it, too. MAC Yeah. Right?... Charlie let me see one of those fliers. Charlie hands Mac a flier for the Pub Sale. Mac looks at it. MAC Are these what you’ve been handing out to people all day? CHARLIE Yeah. Why? MAC Charlie, all this says is trashcan plus beermug equals dollar sign. CHARLIE Exactly. Our junk, that’s the trashcan; at the bar, beermug; will save you money, dollar sign. It’s clear as day, right there in black and white. MAC This is in crayon. CHARLIE Colors sell more. MAC There’s no address. CHARLIE Listen Mac, we can sit here all day, talking about how good or bad the flier is -


MAC It’s bad. Awful. CHARLIE - Or we could go to other garage sales and steal their customers. CUT TO: INT. PADDY’S PUB. NEAR THE BOOTHS. LATER. Bargain shoppers, mostly older, have found their way into the bar. Most of the customers are avoiding Dennis’ area. Dennis is showing an OLD MAN a pair of jeans. DENNIS Now these jeans will really accentuate your package, and let’s be honest, that’s what it’s all about: drawing the eyes directly to the groin area. And, with what you’ve got down there, why wouldn’t you want to? Dennis holds the jeans up to the Old Man’s waist. DENNIS Woah, look out. What are you, like a nine or ten? I’m just kidding, I’m talking about shoe sizes. No, I’m not. Now, what would it take to get you into my pants? The Old Man begins to move away. DENNIS Wait, where are you going? OLD MAN I’m sorry, but I’m a married man. The Old Man walks across the bar to an OLD WOMAN. Frank walks over to Dennis. FRANK How’s it going? DENNIS Dammit, Frank. I haven’t sold a goddamn thing and the day is halfway over.


FRANK Well, first off, it smells like the urinal of a Calcutta nursing home over here. DENNIS It’s Drakkar Noir! FRANK And why do you got everything so fancy-schmancy. Dennis, these people are scavengers. They buy nickel toilet bowl cleaners and ten dollar television sets. And, you’ve got mannequins wearing shirts with little crocodiles on them. You’ve got to get rid of all this crap. DENNIS No, Frank. I refuse. Do you have any idea how much I spent on this shit? Anything less than what I’m asking would be an injustice. Dee walks over. DEE Hey, losers. Look who just made another fifty bucks. She flashes the money that she made. DEE Ca-ching. Oh yeah! Mommy’s making money. You were right, Dennis: it would have been a bad idea to stay over here in pissville. She walks away. DEE More like Suck-ar Noir, boo-yah. Lates. DENNIS Frank? FRANK Yeah, Dennis? DENNIS Deandra must be destroyed.


FRANK I’ll get the air freshener. EXT. FIRST YARD SALE. SAME TIME. Charlie and Mac are at a yard sale trying to poach customers. Mac is talking to a LITTLE GIRL. MAC Hey. You like toys? LITTLE GIRL Mhmm. MAC I know a place where they have lots of great toys. All different kinds of toys. Does that sound like someplace that you would want to go? LITTLE GIRL Yeah! MAC Yeah?! Of course it is. Well, all you have to do is go get... The Little Girl’s MOTHER comes and takes her by the hand. MOTHER Pervert! MAC No, look lady, you got it all wrong. I didn’t want her. I just wanted to bring her to my bar! Charlie walks over to Mac. MAC Christ, Charlie, we’ve been here for like an hour. Come on, let’s go do something. CHARLIE Dude, I know, but look at all this stuff. It’s awesome. MAC Are you buying this crap?


CHARLIE It’s not crap, Mac. They’ve got some pretty cool stuff. Look at these: I got this little statue of liberty, some jacks, a couple dominoes Charlie starts pulling things out of his bag, it is all useless junk. CHARLIE I don’t know what this thing is, but it looks cool, right? MAC Charlie, we’re supposed to be making money today. CHARLIE A plunger, some spoons, half a deck of cards. MAC Not spending it. CHARLIE This tangled yo-yo. A hat. He puts the hat on. MAC Look, maybe we should just head back to the bar. CHARLIE A pair of reading glasses. This shoe. Bop-em, hit-em robots. MAC Are you even listening to - Bop-em, hit-em robots? CHARLIE Bop-em, hit-em robots. MAC Bitchin’. I love Bop-em, hit-em robots. CHARLIE I know, right! Remember when we were little kids? And - and, we used to pretend like we were the (MORE)


CHARLIE (cont’d) robots and we would just start hitting each other in the head. MAC Oh yeah! We’d just punch each others’ faces, trying to knock our heads off. Punch after punch right to the face for hours at a time. That’s when we learned how strong your jaw is, you could really take them back then. CHARLIE Hey, man. I still can now. You want to try it? MAC Well... CHARLIE Go ahead, try it. Mac waits a second before deciding. MAC Thanks, no, not right now. Later. CHARLIE Later. You promise? MAC I promise. CHARLIE Iron jaw. MAC I know, Charlie. I know. CHARLIE Iron jaw, baby. MAC Well, sweet, man. What else do they have here? Anything else like that? CHARLIE Beats me, dude. But, I’ve been asking around and there’s like thirty other of these things going on right now.


MAC Cool, man. Do you know where? CHARLIE Yeah, apparently there’s a whole section of the newspaper that tells where. I bought it off this guy for a nickel. MAC Sweeeeet, bro. Garage sales rock. FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INT. PADDY’S PUB. NEAR THE BOOTHS. LATER. Dennis is scrubbing graffiti off the seductive posters of himself. DENNIS Son’s of bitches, messing with my display, wouldn’t know fashion if it punched them in the face. Dee walks over. DEE Well, well, I’m glad you’ve finally been able to admit it. DENNIS What are you talking about, Dee? Go away. Dee pulls out one of his posters. CLOSE ON: Poster, Dennis modeling pants without a shirt on. Someone has written "I’m gay" in a word bubble. Dennis grabs it from her. DENNIS Animals. These people are animals. I can’t take it anymore! DEE Yeah. People are dicks, But as long as they’re paying dicks. I’ve made (MORE)


DEE (cont’d) a buttload of cashmoney on this junk. She pulls out a wad of money from her pocket. DEE These suckers will buy anything. So, how much have you raked in? DENNIS Me... Oh, a buttload. No, no, an assload, several assloads. Kim Kardashian sized-ass, assloads. I’m swimming in ass. DEE You haven’t sold a thing, have you? DENNIS Not a goddamn thing! DEE Tell you what, I’m gonna do you a solid. I’ll be your first customer. DENNIS I don’t want your filthy pity money. DEE Fine. I guess I’ll just have to take my giant wad DENNIS Wait... What do you want? DEE I’ll give you three bucks for this. DENNIS My "Best of Steve Winwood" CD? No chance in hell. I’d sooner bone Mac’s dirty whore of a mother than sell the Winwood for three dollars. DEE Two dollars. DENNIS Five bucks. It’s a classic.


DEE One fifty. DENNIS Dammit, Dee. Stop going lower! DEE A dollar. DENNIS FINE! But, you’re insulting his name. DEE Pleasure doing business with you. DENNIS Go to hell. Dee drops the dollar and walks away with the CD. Frank walks over with a hammer. FRANK What’s going on? What happened? DENNIS I think I just sold my soul for a dollar. FRANK Perfect. The first sale is always the hardest. All right, so I’ve launched the first phase of "Operation Deandra Downfall." DENNIS Don’t call it that. We’re not calling it that. FRANK Phase one: I took a bunch of Charlie’s shit and infiltrated it all into Deandra’s merchandise. When people see all his crap there they’ll be running in the other direction. DENNIS Clever, Frank. Very clever. So, what’s phase two?

19. FRANK Phase two: Frank takes the hammer and starts bashing Dennis’ stuff. DENNIS STOP! What are you doing?! Stop! FRANK What? This is phase two. DENNIS Destroying all my stuff? FRANK I’m giving it character. Dennis, these people want to buy things a little worn down, things with a little history. Dennis tries to reorganize his stuff. A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN comes over. She holds up a music box that Frank hammered. DENNIS All you’re doing is wrecking everything. MIDDLE AGED WOMAN Excuse me, how are much you asking for this? DENNIS What? I dunno... like five Frank puts his thumbs up. DENNIS ... Ten dollars? MIDDLE AGED WOMAN I’ll take it. The woman buys the music box and walks away. DENNIS Did you see that? I can’t believe that actually worked. FRANK Business one-oh-one: Give the customers what they want. Dennis takes the hammer from Frank.


DENNIS All right, Frank. I think it’s time that we give this stuff a little more "character." EXT. FIFTH YARD SALE. SAME TIME. Mac gets frustrated playing with a "Rubik’s Cube." MAC Damn. Why is this so hard? HOT GIRL (O.S.) Sir, can I help you with anything? MAC Scram, you leech. I’m two seconds away from getting this. The HOT GIRL comes over. Mac sees her now. He throws the "Rubik’s Cube" over his shoulder. MAC I’m sorry about that. I’m just maybe you can help me out? See, I’ve been looking everywhere, but I can’t find this one thing... HOT GIRL What are you looking for? MAC A chick with a body as smoking hot as yours. Hi. I’m Mac. How much are you going to cost me? HOT GIRL Did you just offer to pay me for sex? MAC Woah, woah. No... I mean. Unless... You’re not up for that sort of?... No? No... Me neither. CHARLIE (O.S) MAC! MAC! MAC! The Hot Girl walks away disgusted. Charlie comes running over with a fish bowl on his head.


MAC Dammit, Charlie. What do you want? That chick was totally D.T.B. CHARLIE D.T.B? MAC "Down to Bang." Why do you have a fishbowl on your head? CHARLIE I look like Lance Armstrong, man. MAC You look like an idiot. CHARLIE Whatever, dude. Hey, Do you have fifty bucks? MAC No. What happened to all your money? CHARLIE I spent it. MAC All of it? CHARLIE Yeah. All of it. MAC Jesus, Charlie. CHARLIE Well, what did you want me to do, not spend all my money? Not buy all this awesome stuff? Not make these good investments? MAC What investments? You just blew all your money on a bunch of useless shit. We were trying to get rid of this stuff, remember? CHARLIE So, do you have the fifty bucks or not?


MAC No. I’m not giving you - what the hell cost fifty bucks at a garage sale anyway? CHARLIE Dude. X-Ray. Glasses. MAC Dude. INT. PADDY’S PUB. POOL TABLE AREA. LATER. Dee is cashing an OVERWEIGHT WOMAN out. DEE So, you’re total comes to twenty five dollars. The Overweight Woman hands her the money and beings to walk away. DEE Hold on there, Shamu. This is only half. OVERWEIGHT WOMAN It’s half price because I gave you half price coupon. DEE A coupon? Where’d you get a coupon? She looks through the money and sees it. CLOSE ON: The coupon is a dollar bill that says half off and has Frank in the middle giving a thumbs up. OVERWEIGHT WOMAN That man over there has been giving them out to people all day. She points to Frank at the bar. Dee walks over to him. INT. PADDY’S PUB. AT THE BAR. CONTINUOUS. Franks hands the coupons out to people as they enter the bar.


DEE Frank. What the hell is this? FRANK What are you whining about now? DEE Free Willy over there just tried to pay me with this. FRANK That is a Frank-Buck. Like it? DEE No, I don’t like - What the hell is a Frank-Buck? FRANK It’s good towards the purchase of anything in the bar. DEE No, it isn’t. You can’t do that. FRANK Fine. Don’t honor them then. DEE I’m not gonna. FRANK ... But, you’re going to lose a lot of customers when they realize you’re trying to swindle them out of their cash. DEE I’m not trying to swindle anyone. FRANK What would you think of some lanky woman with beady little eyes refused your coupon and tried to make you pay more for her shit? DEE You’re an ass. You know that? Dee storms away. Another customer enters the bar. FRANK (re: customers) Don’t forget your Frank-Buck.


EXT. FIFTH YARD SALE. AT THE SAME TIME. Mac and Charlie are walking over to the X-ray glasses. Charlie carries this fish bowl at his side. MAC All right, Charlie. Let me do all the talking. CHARLIE You gonna talk him down? MAC No. We’re going to "Antique Roadshow" him. CHARLIE Oh, boy. Ah yeah! "Antique Roadshow!" Classic move. Classic. What do we do? MAC I’m going to walk over there, look at the glasses, and tell him that they are worth way less than what he wants. CHARLIE Sweet. What do I do? MAC You wait until I leave, then go over there and buy the glasses. He’ll be so upset after I tell them they’re worthless, he’ll practically give them away. CHARLIE Genius, man. So, do I wear the helmet? MAC Are you asking me if you should wear a fishbowl on your head when you buy the glasses? CHARLIE Yeah. MAC No.

25. CHARLIE I think I’m going to do it. MAC No. You’re not going to do it. CHARLIE It’ll intimidate him. He’ll be scared and go lower. MAC Charlie, if you wear that fishbowl, I will smash it. I will smash it while it’s on your head. CHARLIE I think I’m going to wear it. MAC No. CHARLIE I’m going to wear it. Mac hands Charlie the money and walks to the Children’s Section. EXT. FIFTH YARD SALE. CHILDREN’S SECTION. CONTINUOUS. A TEENAGE BOY is sitting behind his stuff. Mac picks up the glasses. MAC Hey, Bozo. How much do you want for these? TEENAGE BOY Seventy-five bucks. MAC Seventy-five - Are you shitting me? I thought they were fifty. TEENAGE BOY Increased demand. MAC These are not worth seventy-five bucks. Look at them. It’s missing one of the side thingys. It looks like you bought it out of the back of a comic book.


TEENAGE BOY Seventy-bucks. MAC You’re not going to get seventy bucks for this, little man. It’s just not going to happen. These are a piece of junk. TEENAGE BOY Sixty-five bucks. Charlie walks over wearing the fishbowl. MAC Charlie, not yet CHARLIE How much for the glasses, kid? TEENAGE BOY Sixty bucks. CHARLIE Sold! Charlie slams the money on the table. CHARLIE You just got "Antique Roadshowed!" MAC You are an idiot. The Teenage Boy is counting his money. MAC Shouldn’t you be in school? EXT. PADDY’S PUB. BACK ALLEY. SAME TIME. Dennis and Frank have brought Dennis’ stuff outside. Frank is hitting things with a bat. Dennis is cutting his clothes with a pair of scissors. FRANK Wham-o! Frank knocks the head off of one of the mannequins.


DENNIS Excellent follow-through. Frank hits another mannequin. FRANK Zoink! DENNIS I gotta hand it to you, Frank. This was a good idea. Frank knocks another mannequin to the ground and starts bashing it. FRANK Blam! DENNIS These people don’t know quality. They don’t know how to spend money. They’re not as civilized as us. FRANK Die! Die! Die! DENNIS Go for the gut. That’s it. Bash it. Bash it hard. No, They’re just not in the same class. It was foolish of me, really, to expect them to appreciate the set up I had going. Frank has become violent with the mannequins. DENNIS Okay, Frank. I can see you’re busy. How about you keep bashing all this shit out here, and I go bring out the big guns. Frank keeps bashing. FRANK The big guns? DENNIS You didn’t think I wouldn’t have a back up plan, did you? I was saving some things to sell in the case of an emergency.

28. FRANK What sort of things? DENNIS Don’t worry. You keep bashing this shit and then bring it inside when you’re done. FRANK Okay. I’ll keep bashing. Dennis goes inside. Frank starts swinging away harder. EXT. SEVENTH YARD SALE. LATER. Mac and Charlie have bought lemonade from a lemonade stand. A LITTLE BOY watches them. CHARLIE Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Mac finishes chugging the lemonade. CHARLIE Woo! Nice man. MAC BOO YEAH! Mac shoots the cup into a garbage and misses. Little Boy is scared. CHARLIE My turn. MAC No, man. That was awful. (re: Little Boy) You should be ashamed of yourself. That was the worst lemonade that I’ve ever had. Tasted like horse piss. Embarrassing. CHARLIE Did he piss in it? MAC No. He didn’t piss (re: Little Boy) You didn’t piss in it, did you? The Little Boy shakes his head.


MAC You know what? Give me my nickel back kid. Go on. Give it. The boy gives back the nickel and runs away crying. CHARLIE That’s business kid! MAC All right, Charlie, so where to next? Charlie pulls out the paper and looks at it. CHARLIE Nowhere, man. We’re done. MAC No. That was it? CHARLIE Yeah. The last one here says its a pube sale. We don’t want to go to a pube sale, do we? That sounds a little gross, right? Mac takes the paper. MAC That says "pub sale," Charlie, Jesus... Wait, this is our bar: "Come to Paddy’s Pub Sale, where you get a free drink with every purchase. Just ask Dee Reynolds." CHARLIE No way, man. When did we decide that? MAC That bitch. We never decided that. CHARLIE What the hell! I want some free beer! MAC Brain-boner, dude. I know how we can get back at Sweet Dee, and use all this junk you just bought. I’ll explain on the way.


INT. PADDY’S PUB. NEAR THE BOOTHS. LATER. An ELDERLY COUPLE are making out in one of the booths. The Old Man from before gives Dennis a suggestive wink. Frank comes in and drops some broken things into Dennis’ area. DENNIS What has gotten into these people? FRANK That’s the last of it. Wait... Frank uses his bat one last time. DENNIS Perfect. Now, with that all set, I can unveil the big guns and the money will start rolling in. Mac comes barging in. MAC Hey-o! I need to talk to you guys. DENNIS Not now. I’m bringing out the big guns. MAC The what? DENNIS Behold! Dennis unveils a box of video tapes. FRANK What is this shit? MAC Noooo. Dennis, are these? DENNIS Yes, they are, Mac. FRANK What? MAC You can’t sell these. They’re too valuable.


FRANK What are they? DENNIS I can. I can and I am. FRANK Will someone tell me what the hell they are? MAC These are all of Dennis’ sex tapes. FRANK Sex tapes, huh? DENNIS Don’t worry. I’ve converted them all to DVD. Crystal clear imagery. It’s like you’re there. It’s like you’re having sex with me. I can show them to you later. MAC You’d better. FRANK All right, I’ll take ’em. DENNIS Ew, Frank. No. There’s no way I’m selling you my sex tapes. That’s disgusting. You’re a disgusting old man. FRANK I’ll give you two hundred smackerinos. DENNIS Sold. Dennis takes the money. DENNIS So, what was so urgent that you came barging in here for? MAC Dee has been giving away free beer to anyone who buys things from her.


DENNIS/FRANK That bitch. MAC I know. That’s what I said. Don’t worry. Me and Charlie are handling it. DENNIS How exactly are you "handling" it? MAC We’re "Antique’s Roadshowing" her. INT. PADDY’S PUB. POOL TABLE AREA. CONTINUOUS. Charlie is dressed up in a disguise made from a lot things that he bought at the other garage sales. It to recognize him. He tries to speak with an English but it sounds like a pirate at times. He is scaring customers away. CHARLIE Aye. This junk’s not worth a queen’s penny, I say. A MAN approaches Dee. MAN Excuse me, miss. How much are you asking for this? CLOSE ON: "The Best of Steve Winwood" CD. DEE I dunno, like ten bucks. CHARLIE What a wench! That be worth no more then a couple of doubloons. MAN I’ll give you five. DEE All yours, brother. Dee takes the money and hands him a beer and the CD. The Man walks away. of the is hard accent, Dee’s


DEE (re: Charlie) Excuse me, sir. What do you think you’re doing? CHARLIE (loud) I be setting things right, here. Let it be known all over the land, far and wide that this DEE Charlie? CHARLIE (quieter) Yeah. Charlie. We know what you’re doing, Dee. And, we’re going to "Antique’s Roadshow" all over your ass. The WAITRESS walks over. She’s holding a bra. Charlie sees it and gets embarrassed. WAITRESS What the hell, Dee! Why do you have my bra? DEE What? That’s not your bra. WAITRESS It has my name in it. The Waitress goes to show Dee the tag, but Dee pushes it away. DEE So, do you want to buy it, or... WAITRESS It’s mine. CHARLIE I’ll give you five dollars for it. WAITRESS What? Why would you want my bra? Dee, I’m taking this. DEE Wanna go higher than five?


WAITRESS Are you serious? DEE Damn straight, I’m serious. WAITRESS Fine. Here’s ten dollars. CHARLIE Fifteen. WAITRESS What is wrong with - Charlie? Is that you? CHARLIE Twenty! DEE Sold. CHARLIE Do you take Frank Bucks? Charlie takes the bra from the Waitress. Mac, Frank, and Dennis, all come running over, pushing the waitress away. DENNIS Dammit, Dee, did you sell my Steve Winwood CD? DEE It was my CD. MAC You whore! You’ve been giving out free beer to people all day. DEE What, what? No, I haven’t. What’re you - what’re you talking about? MAC We just saw you do it. DENNIS I’m sure that geriatric couple banging each other in the booth would agree with us.

35. MAC Whore! CHARLIE And, you’re stealing now, Dee? My bra? Really, my bra? DEE I didn’t touch your bra, Charlie. FRANK That was my bad. It must have gotten mixed in with all of Dee’s stuff during "Operation Deandra Downfall." DEE "Operation Deandrea Downfall." You guys were plotting against me? DENNIS Of course we were plotting against you, Dee. We’ve always been plotting against you. You’re a horrible person and you deserve to fail. FRANK Sorry, about that, Charlie. CHARLIE Don’t sweat it, man. I took like three hundred bucks out of your pillow and bought all this sweet garage sale stuff. FRANK You took my pillow money? MAC Whore! CHARLIE Think of it as an investment. Think of how much you’ll make at the next pub sale? FRANK An investment? CHARLIE Yeah, by then all this stuff will be worthless.

36. MAC You mean priceless. DENNIS I think he meant worthless. And, no, we’re never doing this again. MAC What? Why not. DENNIS Because, Mac. We still have practically all of our shit, but now its all completely broken. The bar is a mess. My idiot sister lost us hundreds of dollars in free alcohol, and we have a bunch of old naked people having sex in our bar. FRANK So, you’re saying I’m not going to get my pillow money back? CHARLIE Don’t tell him that he’s not going to get his pillow money back. DENNIS You’re not going to get your pillow money back. Frank gets angry and starts bashing Dee’s stuff. DEE Frank! Oh, come on! DENNIS Mac, Charlie, beers? CHARLIE Yeah. I could go for a cold one. MAC I have got to get the taste of piss out of my mouth. Dennis, Mac, and Charlie go over to the bar. Frank keeps bashing away at Dee’s stuff as she watches. CUT TO: BLACK. END OF ACT TWO


TAG INT. PADDY’S PUB. AT THE BAR. LATER. The gang are all gathered around watching Charlie and Mac playing Bob-em, Hit-em Robots. DENNIS Watch out, Mac. FRANK Hit ’em in the nads. DEE Rape his face, Charlie! They are all cheering. CLOSE ON: The robots, one red and one blue. Their arms are flailing, hitting each other over and over again. Finally, the blue one’s head flies off. MAC Dammit, you’re good! CHARLIE Iron jaw, baby. Iron jaw. So, do you guys want to clean up the bar now? They are quiet as they look around the bar. POV: The place is a mess. There are ripped clothes, broken furniture, and beer bottles everywhere. DENNIS Sure... sure... We’ll get to it.. Right after we finish this. DEE Best sixteen out of thirty? Mac puts the head back on the robot. They start playing and cheering again. FRANK I call next. FADE OUT: END OF EPISODE