C O U P L E S WO R K B O O K

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Welcome to the PREPARE/ENRICH Program: Our Goal is to Help you Build and Maintain a Happy Marriage
Congratulations! You have taken an important step in building a strong marriage by joining over 2.5 million couples who have bene"ted from PREPARE/ENRICH. Over the last three decades, this program has been scienti"cally improved and updated. Research studies have demonstrated it can improve your relationship skills and happiness as a couple. Remember to work on your relationship by seeking out opportunities to make your relationship grow over time. Continue growing by going on date nights, "nding special occasions to celebrate, and keeping your marriage a top priority like you did when you were dating. If you "nd you have ongoing problems that dont go away over time, it is important to seek professional counseling. Like any problem or illness, the sooner you go for help, the better the changes are for recovery. If problems persist, contact your current facilitator or go to our website (w w w . prepare-enrich. com)and search under Find a Facilitator. On your w edding Anniversary Take the Online Couple Checkup: One of the best ways to help you maintain a healthy and happy relationship is to invest times and energy in it. W e highly recommend at least once a year, perhaps on your wedding anniversary, you take the online Couple Checkup (w w w . couplecheckup. com) . The Online Couple Checkup is built on the foundation of PREPARE/ENRICH, and provides you with a Couple Report (15-20 pages)and a Couple D iscussion Guide both of which help you build a stronger marriage.

Checkup Books:
Build more strengths in your marriage. W hether this is your "rst or subsequent marriage, we have a resource for you. Youll "nd even more couple exercises and relationship skills so you can work together to create a more satisfying relationship.

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COUPLES WORKBOOK

TA B LE OF CON T EN T S

*SHARING STRENGTH AND GROWTH AREAS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

COMMU NICATION: Assertiveness and Active Listening. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

* Creating a Wish List using Assertiveness and Active Listening

PERSONAL STRESS PROFILE:

..... 4 Dai l y Di al ogue and Dai l y Com pl i m ents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 6 7 Weddi ng Stress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

fyi ng Most Cri ti cal Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . * Identi B al anci ng your Pri ori ti es . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

CONFLICT RESOLU TION:

Steps f or Resol vi ng Con! i ct . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 * Ten How to take a Ti m e-Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Seeki ng and Granti ng Forgi veness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11

FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT:
The Chal l enges of Money. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Im portance of Fi nanci al Goal s...................... B udget Worksheet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Meani ng of Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 13 14 15

LEISU RE ACTIV ITIES: The Dating Exercise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 SEX

AND

AFFECTION: The Expression of Intim acy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

RELATIONSHIP ROLES: Sharing Roles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 SPIRITU AL B ELIEFS: Your Spiritual Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 MARRIAGE EX PECTATIONS: Managing Your Expectations. . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 CHILDREN AND PARENTING:
Coupl e Di scussi on about Chi l dren . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Pl anni ng a Weekl y Fam i l y Conference . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 StepFam i l i es: Choosi ng Real i sti c Expectati ons. . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

FAMILY MAPS: * COU PLE AND Mappi ng Your Rel ati onshi p

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Cl oseness Exerci ses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Fl exi bi l i ty Exerci ses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 27

* PERSONALITY : SCOPE Out Your Personality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . * SIX CORE EXERCISES

GOALS: Achieving Your Goals. . . Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28

SH A R IN G ST R E N G T H A N D G R O W T H A R E A S

Your strengths develop by working through your issues.

C heck what areas you agree or disagree most with your partner. Sel ect three Strength A reas ( m ost agreem ent and positive aspects of your rel ationship) Sel ect three G rowth A reas ( m ost disagreem ent and areas you w ant to im prove)
ST R E N G T H A R EA S G RO W TH A R EA S

1. COMMUNICATION We share feelings and understand each other. 2. CONFLICT RESOLUTION We are able to discuss and resolve differences. 3. PARTNER STYLE AND HABITS We appreciate each others personality and habits. 4. FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT We agree on budget and !nancial matters. 5. LEISURE ACTIVITIES We have a good balance of activities together and apart. 6. SEXUALITY AND AFFECTION We are comfortable discussing sexual issues and affection. 7. FAMILY AND FRIENDS We feel good about our relationships with relatives and friends. 8. RELATIONSHIP ROLES We agree on how to share decision-making and responsibilities. 9. CHILDREN AND PARENTING We agree on issues related to having and raising children. 10. SPIRITUAL BELIEFS We hold similar religious values and beliefs. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : 1. Take turns sharing w hat each of you perceive as your rel ationship strengths. Verbal l y share one strength at a tim e, untilyou each have shared three. 2. U se the sam e procedure to share and discuss grow th areas. 3. N ow have a discussion around these questions: a. D id any of your partner s responses surprise you? b. In what areas did you mostl y agree with your partner? c. In what areas did you mostl y disagree with your partner?
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C O M M U N IC AT IO N

It takes two to speak the truth...one to speak and another to hear.

H enry D avid Thoreau

A SSE R T IV E N E SS A N D A C T IV E LIST E N IN G
A SSE R T IV E N E SS:

Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings and ask for what you want in the relationship.
A ssertiveness is a val uabl e com m unication skil l . In successfulcoupl es, both individual s tend to be quite assertive. R ather than assum ing their partner can read their m inds, they share how they feeland ask cl earl y and directl y for w hat they w ant. A ssertive individual s take responsibil ity for their m essages by using I statem ents. They avoid statem ents beginning w ith you. In m aking constructive requests, they are positive and respectfulin their com m unication. They use pol ite phrases such as pl ease and thank you. E xampl es of A ssertive Statements: Im feeling out of balance. While I love spending time with you, I also want to spend time with my friends. I would like us to !nd some time to talk about this. I want to take a ski vacation next winter, but I know you like to go to the beach. Im feeling confused about what choice we should make. A C T IV E LIST E N IN G :

Active listening is the ability to let your partner know you understand them by restating their message.
G ood com m unication depends on you careful l yl istening to another person. A ctive l istening invol ves l istening attentivel y w ithout interruption and then restating w hat w as heard. A cknow l edge content A N D the feel ings of the speaker. The active l istening process l ets the sender know w hether or not the m essage they sent w as cl earl y understood by having the l istener restate w hat they heard. E xampl es of A ctive Listening: I heard you say you are feeling out of balance, and enj oy the time we spend together but that you also need more time to be with your friends. You want to plan a time to talk about this. If I understand what you said, you are concerned because you want to go skiing next winter. But you think I would rather to go to the beach. Is that correct?

W hen each person know s w hat the other person feel s and w ants ( assertiveness)and w hen each know s they have been heard and understood ( active l istening) , intim acy is increased. These tw o com m unication skil l s can hel p you grow cl oser as a coupl e.

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C O M M U N IC AT IO N

It is a luxury to be understood.
R al ph W al do Em erson

C R E AT IN G A W ISH LIST
In this exercise, you w il leach individual l y m ake a W ish List of things you w oul dl ike m ore or l ess of in your rel ationship. N ext, take turns sharing your W ish Lists w ith each other. A ssertiveness is the abil ity to express your feel ings and ask for w hat you w ant in your rel ationship. A ctive l istening is the abil ity to l et your partner know you understand them by restating their m essage. In sharing your W ish List w ith your partner, you w il lbe dem onstrating your A ssertiveness skil l s. In giving feedback to your partner about their W ish List, you w il lbe dem onstrating your A ctive Listening skil l s. M ake a W ish List of three things you woul dl ike more or l ess of in your rel ationship. 1. 2. 3. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : Take turns sharing your W ish List w ith each other. SPEAKERS JOB: 1. Speak for yoursel f( I statem ents e.g. I w ish...) 2. D escribe how you w oul d feelif your w ish cam e true. LISTENERS JOB: 1. R epeat/sum m arize w hat you have heard. 2. D escribe the w ish A N D how your partner w oul d feelif the w ish cam e true. A fter com pl eting the W ish List Exercise, discuss the fol l ow ing questions: H ow good w ere each of you atbei ng as s ert i ve? In w hatw aysdi d you each ef f ect i vel y us e act i ve l i s t eni ng s ki l l s ?

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C O M M U N IC AT IO N

M arriage is a team sport;you either win together or lose together.

D A ILY D IA LO G U E A N D D A ILY C O M P LIM E N T S
D ail y D ial ogue is an intentionaleffort to tal k about your rel ationship, rather than discussing your activities that day. The focus of this dial ogue shoul d be on your feel ings about each other and your l ives together. Set aside !ve m inutes per day to discuss the fol l ow ing:

What did you most enjoy about your relationship today? What was dissatisfying about your relationship today? How can you be helpful to each other?
D ail y C ompl iments hel p you focus on the positive things you l ike about each other. Every day give your partner at l east one genuine com pl im ent. These can be general(you are fun to be with)or speci!c (I appreciate that you were on time for the concert) .

COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO INCREASE INTIMACY

1. G ive ful l attention to your partner when tal king. Turn off the phone, shut off the tel evision, m ake eye contact. 2. Focus on the good qual ities in each other and often praise each other. 3. B e assertive. Share your thoughts, feel ings, and needs. A good w ay to be assertive w ithout being criticalis to use I rather than You statem ents. (e.g. I worry when you dont let me know youll be late rather than You are always late). 4. Avoid criticism. 5. If you must criticize, bal ance it with at l east one positive comment. (e.g.I appreciate how you take the trash out each week. In the future can you remember to also wheel the trash can back from the end of the driveway? ). 6. Listen to understand, not to j udge. 7. U se active l istening. Sum m arize your partner s com m ents before sharing your ow n reactions or feel ings. 8. Avoid bl aming each other and work together for a sol ution. 9. U se the Ten Steps approach. For probl em s that com e up again and again, use the Ten Steps for Resolving Couple Con!ict. 10. Seek counsel ing. If you are not abl e to resol ve issues, seek counsel ing before they becom e m ore serious.

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P E R SO N A L ST R E SS P R O FILE

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. R einhold N iebuhr
ID E N T IFY IN G M O ST C R IT IC A L ISSU E S
D o you control stress in your l ife or does stress control you?
Stressors are events that cause an em otionaland/or physicalreaction. Stress can be positive ( w edding, j ob prom otion)or negative ( l oss of j ob, car accident, m aj or il l ness) . But w hat is im portant is to be abl e to m anage the m any stressors in your l ife. O ne w ay to m anage stress is to prioritize the issues that are m ost im portant to you. A nother is to decide w hat issues can be changed or resol ved and w hich ones cannot. This exercise w il lhel p you focus on the high priority issues and those that can be changed ( Box 1) .

C oupl e E xercise:
1. You w il leach sel ect four issues that are the m ost stressfulfor each of you from the Com puter R eport. 2. R eview each issue and put it into one of the four cel l s bel ow. 3. Box 1 contains the M ost CriticalIssues. A bl e to C hange B ox 1: M ost C ritical Issues H igh P riority What changes can you each make? B ox 3 Low P riority Are you spending too much time on low priority issues? Can you accept or forget about these issues? How do you plan to cope? B ox 4: Least C ritical Issues D if" cul t to C hange B ox 2

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : Sel ect one issue from B ox 1 that you wil l work on together as a coupl e. W ork together as a team to achieve your goal s. 1. C ommunicate about the issue. 2. U se good con! ict resol ution skil l s. 3. B e ! exibl e with one another.

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P E R SO N A L ST R E SS P R O FILE

You cant stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
J on K abat-Z inn

B A LA N C IN G YO U R P R IO R IT IE S
First, indicate how m uch tim e you N ow spend on each of these areas. N ext, decide on the am ount of tim e you w oul d ideal l y spend Your G oal . Then decide how you can achieve your goal . W ORK: Tim e on j ob/school Bringing w ork hom e Com m uting P E R SO N A L: Exercise Tel evision Com puter/video gam es H obby/R ecreation R eading Friends R el igious activities Vol unteering Sl eep ( hours per night) M A R R IA G E : ( C oupl e) A t hom e together A ctivities/D ates D iscussions ( m inutes per day) H O M E: Cl eaning Cooking G rocery shopping Errands Law n/G arden H om e m aintenance FA M ILY: ( i f chi l dren at hom e) N um ber of m eal s together Fam il y activities Transporting chil dren H el ping w ith hom ew ork A t hom e together C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : W hat areas feel out of bal ance to each of you? W hat steps m ust you take i n order for your goal to becom e real i ty?
NOW YO U R G O A L ( H ours per w eek) H ow w i l l you m ove tow ard your goal ?

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P E R SO N A L ST R E SS P R O FILE W E D D IN G ST R E SS
D ifferences and disagreem ents are as inevitabl e in w edding pl anning as they are in m arriage itsel f. This is a good tim e to l earn how to dealw ith them . H ere are som e strategies you m ight !nd hel pful : 1. Consider the big picture as it affects each decision. Som e decisions w il lbe m ade consequential l y as other w ishes are discussed. For exam pl e, the guest l ist shoul d be created earl y because it shapes decisions about facil ities and costs, am ong other things. If one of you w ants a tropicalbeach w edding and the other a hom e- tow n w edding, you can discuss these options in the l ight of other issues such as the fact both of you w ant your frail grandparents to com e to your w edding. Seeing the l arger picture can hel p you resol ve differences. 2. Ask yourselves who cares more about the issue. You can decide to graceful l y adj ust your preference if your partner has strong feel ings about an issue. You m ay prefer a sm al l , intim ate w edding but your partner has cherished the fam il y tradition of a l arge w edding. Try setting a num ber that gives m ore to the person w ho cares the m ost. 3. Periodically assess your wedding-planning stress and feelings of competency. If your partner has not fol l ow ed through on a task they w ere responsibl e for, or if you feelbetter equipped for a particul ar task, pol itel y offer to hel p or take over ( e.g., I am interested in photography and have a light work schedule next week. Is it okay if I research a photographer? ) . The key is to agree together on a shift of responsibil ity, rather than saying, Since you wont do it, I will! The person w ho has been rel ieved of one responsibil ity shoul d then offer to hel p w ith other responsibil ities. 4. Teach and learn from one another rather than assuming the other gets it. Som etim es one of you w il lnot see a probl em that is quite cl ear to the other. You can both educate each other about your fam il ies and their traditions. The groom from a Cathol ic fam il y shoul d expl ain to his Protestant bride w hat is invol ved in a traditionalCathol ic w edding, rather than having surprises keep com ing up. 5. When you are doing your best to deal with your differences and yet remain polarized, consider whether deeper issues are underlying your con!ict. For exam pl e, som etim es the issue is not about the size of the w edding but about a feel ing of envy or com petition because one of you has a bigger fam il y or circl e of friends. Som etim es the issue is not betw een the tw o of you, but betw een one of you and your fam il y m em bers. The standard tool s of effective com m unication taught in PR EPAR E/EN R ICH are particul arl y im portant w hen there is tension betw een you. Exam pl es are speaking for yoursel f using I-statem ents rather than attacking the other person, l istening to understand before proposing sol utions, and choosing the best tim e and pl ace to tal k about dif!cul t m atters. Your everyday com m unication patterns m ight be !ne for everyday m atters, but w hen you are negotiating a w edding, it s good to be at your best"

From Take Back Your Wedding:M anaging the People Stress of Wedding Planning, by William J. Doherty and Elizabeth Doherty Thomas (2007). For more information and resources to deal with your wedding, visit www.TheFirstD ance.com

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C O N FLIC T R E SO LU T IO N T E N ST E P S FO R R E SO LV IN G C O N FLIC T
Al lcoupl es have differences and disagreem ents. Studies show the am ount of disagreem ents are not rel ated to m aritalhappiness as m uch as how they are handl ed. H appy coupl es do not avoid disagreem ents;they resol ve them w hil e rem aining respectfulof each other, thereby strengthening their rel ationship. This Ten Step M odelis a sim pl e, but effective w ay to resol ve con!ict w hil e avoiding the com m on and destructive patterns. U se this m odelw ith an ongoing issue in your rel ationship, as w el las future issues. 1. Set a time and pl ace for discussion. 2. D e! ne the probl em - B e speci! c. 3. List the ways you each contribute to the probl em. Partner 1: Partner 2: 4. List past attempts to resol ve the issue that were not successful . 1) 3) 2) 4) 5. B rainstorm Poolyour new ideas and try to l ist 10 possibl e sol utions to the probl em . D o not j udge or criticize any of the suggestions at this point. 1) 6) 2) 7) 3) 8) 4) 5) 9) 10)

6. D iscuss and eval uate each of these possibl e sol utions. ( Be as obj ective as possibl e. Tal k about how usefuland appropriate each suggestion feel s for resol ving your issue.) 7. A gree on one sol ution to try. 8. A gree how you wil l each work toward this sol ution. ( Be as speci"c as possibl e.) Partner 1: Partner 2: 9. Set up another meeting to discuss your progress. Pl ace: D ate: Tim e:

10. R eward each other for progress. ( If you notice your partner m aking a positive contribution tow ard the sol ution, praise his/her effort.)

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C O N FLIC T R E SO LU T IO N

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way that is not easy.
A ristotl e

H O W TO TA K E A T IM E -O U T
Som e con!icts becom e heated as l evel s of anger and frustration rise. R ather than speaking assertivel y, partners begin to accuse, criticize, or yel l . R ather than l istening activel y, partners interrupt, bel ittl e, and ignore. Physiol ogical l y, the "ght or !ight response is triggered as each person goes into a protection m ode w ith l ittl e or no regard for their partner. In this state of escal ation, it is not uncom m on to say or do things w e l ater regret. M oreover, it is nearl y im possibl e to have a productive conversation l eading to a m utual l y agreed upon resol ution. This is w hen a tim e-out can be bene"cial . A tim e-out provides coupl es w ith an opportunity to cooldow n, identify their feel ings and needs, and begin to think productivel y again about how to approach the issues they face. 1. R E C O G N IZ E your need for a ti m e-out.A re your "sts cl enched? Is your face red? A re you breathing fast? A re the tears stream ing dow n your face? D o you feell ike scream ing or throw ing som ething? A re you afraid of your partner s intensity? D o you feelem otional l y cl osed off ? Learn to recognize the signs that things have becom e too intense for you to have a productive interaction w ith your partner. W hat physicaland em otionalreactions indicate you need a tim e-out? 2.R EQ U EST T H E T IM E-O U T.Cal la tim e-out for yoursel f by saying som ething l ike I m j ust too angry to tal k right now ;I need to take a tim e-out. Pl ease give m e an hour to cal m dow n and gather m y thoughts. R em em ber to cal lthe tim e-out for yoursel f. It is sel dom hel pfulto tel lthe other person You need a tim e-out# Suggest a tim e w hen you think you l lbe ready to resum e. 3. R E LA X A N D C A LM D O W N .Take som e deep breaths. G o for a j og. Take a w al k or a bath. W rite in your j ournal . R ead, pray, or w atch tel evision for a w hil e. D o som ething that w il lhel p you rel ax and recover from the em otionalintensity. W hat m ethod( s)coul d you use to cal m dow n? 4. R E M E M B E R W H AT S IM P O R TA N T. Try to identify w hat you w ere thinking and feel ing that becam e so dif"cul t to discuss. Think about I m essages you coul d use to tel lyour partner w hat you w ere thinking or feel ing, and w hat you need from him /her. Try to spend som e quiet tim e considering your partner s point of view and w hat they are feel ing. R em em ber the tw o of you are a team , and the onl y w ay your rel ationship w il lw in is if you w ork tow ard a sol ution that both individual s can feelgood about. 5. R E SU M E T H E C O N V E R SAT IO N . Bring in the skil l s of A ssertiveness and A ctive Listening and/or the Ten Steps for Con!ict R esol ution. These structured skil l s can hel p contain the intensity as you attem pt to resol ve a con!ict. H onor your com m itm ent to return to the issue w hen you are ready to have a m ore productive conversation.

10

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi

SEEKING AND GRANTING FORGIVENESS

All couples eventually experience times of conict, hurt, and letting each other down. Sometimes the offense is as minor as forgetting a date or failing to run an errand. For some couples, the offense might involve a major betrayal such as indelity, addiction, or abuse. Either way, taking time to seek and grant forgiveness can play a powerful role in healing and restoring the relationship. Forgiveness is the decision or choice to give up the right for vengeance, retribution, and negative thoughts toward an offender in order to be free from anger and resentment. This process promotes healing and restoration of inner peace, and it can allow reconciliation to take place in the relationship. It is also important to be clear about what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning, or perpetuating injustice. Since it is sometimes unsafe or impossible, forgiveness does not always involve reconciliation. Forgiveness is not always quick; it is a process that can take time to unfold. Dont rush your partner if they need to spend days or weeks working through the process of granting forgiveness.

Six Steps for Seeking Forgiveness:

1. Admit what you did was wrong or hurtful. 2. Try to understand/empathize with the pain you have caused. 3. Take responsibility for your actions and make restitution if necessary. 4. Assure your partner you will not do it again. 5. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. 6. Forgive yourself.

Six Steps for Granting Forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge your pain and anger. Allow yourself to feel disrespected. 2. Be specic about your future expectations and limits. 3. Give up your right to get even, but insist on being treated better in the future. 4. Let go of blame, resentment, and negativity toward your partner. 5. Communicate your act of forgiveness to your partner. 6. Work toward reconciliation (when safe). Created in part with content contributions made by Richard D. Marks, Ph.D., Marriage for Life, Inc., Jacksonville, FL

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11

FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T

Thrift used to be a basic American virtue. Now the American virtue is to spend money. D avid Brinkley
TH E C H A LLE N G E S O F M O N E Y
The j oining of tw o individual s is the j oining of tw o different orientations to m oney. O ur earl y experiences hel p shape our val ues about m oney. M oney operates m etaphorical l y in our l ives, representing m any other things such as security, nurturance, opportunity, trust, and the rel ationship betw een dependence and independence. Littl e w onder then that m oney is a m aj or cause of con!ict and a m ul til ayered probl em for m arried coupl es. Setting Financial G oal s Exercise: O ften goal s are an extension of m oney orientations and shoul d be considered together. The partner w ho is oriented to security is m ore apt to have "nancialgoal s around savings than the partner w hose m oney orientation is centered around enj oym ent. Create, discuss, and share "nancialgoal s in the FinancialG oal s exercise. C reating a B udget Exercise: Budgeting is the process of al l ocating expenses on a regul ar basis. Budgeting puts you in controlof your spending a process that can be very em pow ering in a cul ture w here w e are constantl y enticed to spend m oney. O ne good w ay to create a budget is to keep track of everything you spend m oney on for 1-3 m onths, and then average your expenditures per category. Com pl ete the Budget W orksheet as your w orkabl e budget, m aking sure to al l ot a m onthl y am ount into savings . The M eaning of M oney Exercise: In this exercise you w il lassess and then discuss your orientation tow ard m oney. The advantage of understanding your partner s m oney orientation is you can then capital ize on and bal ance each other s strengths.

A W ord about Savings. The book, The M il l ionaire N ext D oor by Stanl ey and D anko ( 1996)il l um inated the fact that the average A m erican m il l ionaire is sel f-m ade, m ost often l iving m odestl y, choosing to save at l east 15% of their incom e and spending m uch l ess on m aterialpossessions. A high-pro"l e spender, driving expensive cars and w earing designer cl othing, often tim es has l ittl e investm ent or savings. O nl y 19% of the m il l ionaires surveyed received any of their w eal th from an estate or trust fund, dispel l ing the popul ar m yth that w eal th is often passed dow n from previous generations. Saving al l ow s a person to bene"t from com pounding interest and is key to any good "nancialm anagem ent pl an.

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FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T

There is nothing wrong with men possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess men. Billy G raham
IM P O R TA N C E O F FIN A N C IA L G O A LS
Coupl es argue about !nances m ore than any other topic. Regardl ess of how m uch or how l ittl e m oney a coupl e has, deciding w hat to purchase and how to spend their m oney is probl em atic for m ost coupl es. Typical l y, m ost coupl es focus on onl y short-term !nancialgoal sl ike:Today I w il lpay $100 on m y credit card bil l . But short-term goal s shoul d al so take into consideration your l ong-term goal sl ike:W e w ant to save enough to m ake a dow n paym ent on a house. O ne w ay to reduce the am ount of con"ict regarding !nances is for you and your partner to discuss and decide on your short-term and l ong-term !nancialgoal s. Setting com m on goal s as a coupl e can increase your sense of team w ork and col l aboration in this com pl ex area of !nances. Identifying and D eciding on Your Financial G oal s Each person shoul d individual l y brainstorm their short-term and l ong-term !nancialgoal s and then share them w ith each other. Short-term goal s shoul d be w hat you can achieve in six m onths to one year. Long term goal s m ight be achieved from one to !ve years. Rem em ber, your goal s shoul d be real istic, cl ear and speci!c. Short-Term G oal s:( six m onths to one year) 1. 2. 3. Long-Term G oal s:( one to !ve years) 1. 2. 3. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : Share your l ists with one another. W hat do they have in common? W here are they different? D ecide together as a coupl e on your common goal s. Tal k about how you can each contribute to achieving these goal s. R evisit them from time to time so you stay on track.

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FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T BU D G E T W O R K SH E E T
M O N T H LY IN C O M E : ( Take H ome P ay) TotalPartner 1: TotalPartner 2: TO TA L CO U PLE: M O N T H LY E X P E N SE S G IV IN G Contributions/Tithe: H O U SIN G R ent or M ortgage:
U til ities: Phone:

C urrent Spending

Future Budget P l an

LO A N S/D EBT Auto:

Personal : Credit Cards: ine: CA R G asol R epairs/M aintenance:

FO O D Food at hom e:
Food aw ay from hom e:

H EA LTH CA R E : IN SU R A N CE M edical
Car: H om e/Life/H eal th:

CLO TH IN G PER SO N A L G O O D S H O U SEH O LD SU PPLIES lphone: SERV ICES Cel

Cabl e/D ish: Internet: D ry Cl eaning/Laundry: O ther:

O TH ER EX PEN D ITU R ES Savings:

G ifts: Entertainm ent: D aycare: Chil d support: O ther:

TO TA L C O U P LE IN C O M E : TO TA L E X P E N SE S: SU R P LU S O R D E FIC IT:
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FIN A N C IA L M A N A G E M E N T
1 Strongl y D isagree 2 D isagree 3 U ndecided 4 A gree 5 Strongl y A gree

T H E M E A N IN G O F M O N E Y
U se the 1-5 scal e to respond to each of the statements bel ow: _______ 1. I l ook up to peopl e w ho have been very !nancial l y successful . _______ 2. In m aking a m aj or purchase, I consider w hat others w il lthink of m y choice. _______ 3. H aving high qual ity things re"ects w el lon m e. _______ 4. It is im portant for m e to m aintain a l ifestyl e sim il ar to or better than that of m y peers. _______ 5. H aving som e m oney in savings is very im portant to m e. _______ 6. I w oul d rather have extra m oney in the bank than som e new purchase. _______ 7. I prefer safe investing w ith a m oderate return versus high-risk investing w ith potential l y high returns. _______ 8. I feelm ore secure w hen I know w e have enough m oney for our bil l s. _______ 9. I real l y enj oy shopping and buying new things. _______ 10. Peopl e w ho have m ore m oney have m ore fun. _______ 11. I real l y enj oy spending m oney on m ysel f and on others. _______ 12. M oney can t buy happiness, but it sure hel ps. _______ 13. H e or she w ho control s the purse strings cal l s the shots. _______ 14. I w oul d be uncom fortabl e putting al lm y m oney into a j oint account. _______ 15. O ne of the im portant bene!ts of m oney is the abil ity to in"uence others. _______ 16. I think w e each shoul d controlthe m oney w e earn. Scoring and interpretation:After taking the quiz, add up your answ ers to the four questions for each category and record your scores bel ow. Scores for each category can range from 4 to 20, w ith a high score indicating m ore agreem ent w ith that approach. It is possibl e to have high or l ow scores in m ore than one category. G eneralguidel ines for interpreting your scores appear in the box bel ow. C ategory M oney as status M oney as security M oney as enj oym ent M oney as control A dd Items 14 58 912 Your Score Interpretation of Score Score 1720 1316 912 48 Interpretation Very high H igh M oderate Low

____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________ ____________

1316 ____________ ____________

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : C ompare how you individual l y scored in each category. D iscuss how you each val ue money.

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LE ISU R E A C T IV IT IE S

T H E D AT IN G E X E R C ISE
If you w ant to keep your rel ationship al ive and grow ing, our best advice is to date your m ate!D ating w il lhel p you m aintain a friendship one of the best indicators of a successful ,l ong-term m arriage. The habit of dating is the catal yst for buil ding your coupl e friendship and staying em otional l y connected through the com ing years. This exercise w il lhel p you establ ish, reestabl ish, or reinforce the dating habit. 1. Separatel y w ri te dow n your answ ers to the f ol l ow i ng questi ons: As you think about the l ife of your rel ationship, w hat have been your m ost favorite dates? W hat do you enj oy doing together? ( sports, hobbies, interests, and recreationalactivities) W hat are som e things you w oul dl ike to l earn or pursue together? ( e.g. sports, cooking, hiking)

2. Share your answ ers w i th each other and brai nstorm a com bi ned l i st of potenti al dates. a. c. b. d. 3. Eval uate your com bi ned l i st and rank the order i n w hi ch to do them .U se the criteria bel ow to eval uate your dates. For instance, if your budget is tight, you m ay w ant to recreate a favorite date w hen you m ade peanut butter and j el l y sandw iches and had a picnic in the park. Ti m e requi red f or date ( for instance, 1 hour, 2 hours, evening, afternoon, m orning or w hol e day) Fi nanci al resources needed f or date ( $ = inexpensive, $$ = m oderate, $$$ = expensive) Energy l evel( l ow energy, m edium energy, high energy) a. b. c. d.

4. N ow pul l out your cal endars and w ri te i n one date a w eek f or the next tw o m onths.It takes three w eeks to m ake a new habit ( or rel earn an ol d one)and six w eeks to feelgood about it. D ate your partner once a w eek for the next tw o m onths and you w il lbe w el lon your w ay to energizing your rel ationship w ith fun, rom ance and l aughter!

For information on the 10 Great Dates By D avid and Cl audia A rp visit: www.marriagealive.com

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SE X A N D A FFE C T IO N

T H E EX P R ESSIO N O F IN T IM A C Y
Em otionalintim acy and physicalintim acy are cl osel y rel ated. Coupl es w ho have a good em otionalrel ationship and feel l oved and appreciated have the best physical rel ationship. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : T he f ol l ow i ng questi ons w ere desi gned usi ng the de! ni ti on of affecti on as any verbal or nonverbal expressi on that com m uni cates l ove i n a non-sexual w ay. Affection is, to a l arge degree, a l earned skil l . Even those w ho seem to be natural s in this area usual l y had som e training in their chil dhood as they saw and experienced the expressions of affection m odel ed around them . Those for w hom affection seem s aw kw ard m ay have com e from a hom e w here affection w as absent or rarel y expressed. Either w ay, it s im portant to discuss your upbringing and how it has affected your expectations in this area. W hat does affecti on m ean to you? H ow m uch affecti on w as there i n your fam i l i es grow i ng up ( verbal and nonverbal ) ? H ow di d you respond to the affecti on ( or l ack of affecti on) you recei ved? H ow di d your father show affecti on? H ow di d your m other show affecti on ? O n a scal e of 1-10,how m uch affecti on do you w ant i n your m arri age? ( 1 very l ittl e, 10 great am ount)

For Premarital Couples:

W hat w as the attitude tow ard sex in your fam il y? W as it tal ked about? W here did you l earn about sex? H ave you ful l y discl osed your sexualhistory to your partner? If not, w hy not? H as l ack of affection or sexualdissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a rel ationship? D iscuss your view s on pornography. H ave you discussed fam il y pl anning and/or birth control ?

For M arried Couples:

W hat do you need in order to be in the m ood for sex? D o you feelcom fortabl e initiating sex? W hy or w hy not? H ow often w oul d you prefer or expect sex? W hat sexualactivities do you enj oy m ost? Are there speci!c sexualacts that m ake you uncom fortabl e? H ow coul d you each contribute to m aking your sexualrel ationship m ore satisfying?

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R E LAT IO N SH IP R O LE S

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
SH A R IN G R O LE S

G eorge O rw el l

List your responsibil ities and your partner s responsibil ities rel ated to the househol d and/or chil dren. Your partner shoul d al so separatel y create the sam e tw o l ists. Note: For couples who are not yet sharing a household, complete these lists as things you expect to do in your future household.
T hings You D o ( or pl an to do) f or your H ousehol d a. b. c. d. e. f. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : 1. After you have each com pl eted your l ists, com pare and discuss them . Any surprises? 2. Are rol es m ainl y divided by interests and skil l , or by m ore traditionalm al e/fem al e rol es? 3. Consider for a m om ent how sim il ar or dissim il ar these l ists are com pared to w hat you w itnessed in your parentsrol es grow ing up. 4. D iscuss w hat each of you w oul dl ike to adj ust in your l ists of rol es. If needed, agree on how you m ight revise your current l ists. 5. Revise your current l ists, !nal izing an agreem ent about tasks you w il leach do in the future. Set a tim e to review the new l ists. T hings Your Partner D oes ( or pl ans to do) f or your H ousehol d a. b. c. d. e. f.

R el ationship R ol es E xercise: Switching R ol es for a W eek

A fter you have each com pl eted your H ousehol d Tasks l ists, pl an a day ( or a w eek)w hen you can perform each other s househol d responsibil ities. This R ol e R eversalexperim ent w il lhel p you gain a new appreciation for one another.

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SP IR IT U A L B E LIE FS

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
Pierre Teil hard de Chardin

YO U R SP IR IT U A L JO U R N EY
Spiritual ity and faith are pow erfuldim ensions of the hum an experience. Spiritualbel iefs can provide a foundation for the val ues and behaviors of individual s and coupl es. Peopl e w ho profess a spiritualfaith do, indeed, feeltheir bel iefs breathe l ife into their rel ationships. Coupl es w ith high agreem ent on spiritual bel iefs report m uch higher l evel s of m aritalsatisfaction and cl oseness than those w ith l ow spiritualagreem ent. G iven the potentialbene!ts of spiritualbel iefs in a rel ationship, it m akes sense for partners to expl ore and eval uate their com patibil ity regarding spiritualbel iefs. Coupl es w ith strong spiritualbel iefs and practices say their faith provides a foundation that deepens their l ove and hel ps them grow together and achieve their dream s. If you and your partner s spiritualbel iefs are incom patibl e, tal king about the origins of your bel iefs can hel p you understand one another. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : H ow m uch do you know about your partner s rel igious history? H ow m uch do you know about your ow n rel igious history? Fam il y heritage l ends a sense of stabil ity and tranquil ity to rel ationships. Set aside som e tim e to discuss the fol l ow ing questions together and share your individualresponses. If you do not have the answ ers, ask other fam il y m em bers about their perspective. 1. W hat is your fam il y s rel igious tradition and heritage? 2. W hat hol idays ( hol y days)and ritual s does your fam il y observe? 3. H ow sim il ar or dissim il ar are your personalrel igious and spiritualbel iefs com pared to those of your fam il y? 4. W hat hol idays ( hol y days)and ritual s do you !nd personal l y m eaningful ? 5. W hat hol iday/rel igious sym bol s hol d specialm eaning to you ( the M enorah, a Cross, or a Christm as tree) ? 6. Is/w as there signi!cance to the food you prepare? 7. W hat is the m eaning of the gifts you exchange? 8. H ow does your spirituall ife affect your val ues and the decisions you m ake? 9. To w hat extent do you/w oul d you l ike to integrate your faith or spirituall ife into your m arriage rel ationship? 10. D o you have strong feel ings or opinions about the rel igious upbringing you dl ike to provide for your chil dren? 11. H ow has your understanding of G od changed through your l ife? 12. W hat do you bel ieve is the m eaning of l ife?

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M A R R IA G E E X P E C TAT IO N S

Every disappointment involves an unmet expectation.

M A N A G IN G YO U R E X P E C TAT IO N S
Expectations about l ove and m arriage have a pow erfulim pact on rel ationships. To a l arge degree, you w il l be disappointed or happy in l ife based on how w el lw hat is happening m atches up w ith w hat you think shoul d be happening. A l lm arried coupl es start out hoping for and bel ieving they w il lexperience the very best. Probl em s arise w hen these hopes and bel iefs are not based on real ity. The fol l ow ing statem ents are com m on fantasies coupl es have about m arriage. R ead them and sel ect the ones you bel ieve are true. Take turns sharing and discussing these w ith each other. 1. M y partner w il lm eet al lm y needs for com panionship. 2. Tim e w il lresol ve our probl em s. 3. If I have to ask, it is not as m eaningful . 4. W e shoul dl ive happil y ever afterw ith no m aj or probl em s. 5. K eeping secrets about m y past or present is acceptabl e if it w oul d onl y cause pain for m y partner. 6. Less rom ance m eans w e have l ess l ove for one another. 7. O ur rel ationship w il lrem ain the sam e. 8. M y partner s interest in sex w il lbe the sam e as m ine. 9. O ur rel ationship w il lbe better w hen w e have a baby. 10. W e w il ldo things j ust l ike m y fam il y did. 11. N othing coul d cause us to question our l ove for one another. 12. I bel ieve I know everything there is to know about m y partner. 13. Love is al lyou need for a great m arriage. 14. It is better to keep sil ent about som ething bothering m e than to cause unnecessary probl em s in our rel ationship. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : 1. W hich of these questions have you been tem pted to bel ieve? 2. If you agree w ith these statem ents, how m ight they set you up for being disappointed l ater on? 3. H ow does bel ieving or l iving out these statem ents keep you from ful l yl oving and/or honoring yoursel f and your partner?

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C H ILD R E N A N D PA R E N T IN G

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
J ohn W il m ot

FOR COUPLES PLANNING TO HAVE CHILDREN:

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N A B O U T C H ILD R EN : 1. D iscuss if and w hen you w oul dl ike to have chil dren. 2. H ow m any chil dren w oul d you l ike to have? 3. W hat w oul d you do if you had an unexpected pregnancy before you pl anned to have chil dren? 4. W hat w oul d you do if you l earned you w ere unabl e to have chil dren ( e.g. Adoption? Fertil ity treatm ents?) 5. W hat are your expectations for the rol es of a Father and a M other? 6. W ho do you anticipate or expect w il lcare for your chil d during their infancy and earl y chil dhood ( You? Your partner? A daycare provider? G randparents?) 7. H ow w oul d you prefer to handl e discipl ine? ( e.g. D o you bel ieve in spanking, tim e-outs, taking aw ay privil eges, etc.) 8. As a parent, w hat w oul d you w ant to do differentl y than your fam il y of origin? 9. H ow im portant is it to you that your chil dren are reared near your extended fam il y? 10. D o you bel ieve chil dren shoul d be reared w ith som e rel igious or spiritualfoundation? W hat val ues do you hope to teach your chil dren?

FOR COUPLES W ITH CHILDREN:

P LA N N IN G A W EEK LY FA M ILY C O N FER EN C E A fam il y conference is a tim e for the fam il y to connect and to re!ect on recent fam il y and personal experiences. Spending this tim e together hel ps fam il y m em bers feelsupported and gives a new energy and sense of sol idarity to the fam il y system . G uidel ines: Be sure everyone w ho is ol d enough participates. Establ ish a regul ar tim e and pl ace-w hen the entire fam il y is norm al l y together. Encourage and share ideas. D o not criticize and critique. FA M ILY D ISC U SSIO N : 1. W hat do you feelw as the best thing that happened to you or w ithin the fam il y this w eek? 2. W hat w as the w orst thing that happened to you or w ithin the fam il y this w eek? 3. For an issue that w as brought up in the previous question, w hat coul d have been done differentl y? 4. W hat is a strength of your fam il y?

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CH ILD R E N A N D PA R E N T IN G

After two years, I still feel like an outsider.

A Stepparent

ST E P FA M ILIE S: CH O O SIN G R E A LIST IC E X P E CTAT IO N S

R ead through these com m on m yths,noti ci ng i f any of them resonate w i th you and your partner. U se the questi ons i n the Coupl eDi scussi on ( bel ow ) to gui de your di scussi on. Myth: B ecause w e l ove each other,the other fam i l y m em bers w i l l al so l ove each other. Reality:Love and/or good rel ationships m ay or m ay not happen betw een stepfam il y m em bers. It w il ll ikel y take tim e for em otionalbonds to devel op;som e w il lbond quickl y, others sl ow l y, and it is possibl e that som e individual s m ay never bond. Myth: W e l l do m arri age better thi s ti m e around. Reality:Those w ho have experienced a breakup or divorce often have l earned tough l essons from the past. W hil e a new m arriage invol ves different peopl e and different dynam ics, it is not uncom m on for individual s to sl ip into the sam e ol d patterns and routines ( e.g., being avoidant during con!ict) . Be m indfulnot to repeat m istakes of the past. Myth: O ur chi l dren w i l l feel as happy about thi s new fam i l y as w e do. Reality:The truth is chil dren w il lat best be confused about the new m arriage and at w orst, they l l resent it. Rem arriage is a gain for adul ts and a chal l enge for chil dren. O nl y after m uch tim e, w hen fam il y stabil ity is obtained, does the rem arriage al so becom e a gain for chil dren. Be patient w ith them . Myth: T he stepparent( s) w i l l qui ckl y bond w i th the chi l dren and act l i ke another parent. Reality:Som etim es stepparents w ant so badl y to be accepted they try to m anage the chil dren as a parent w oul d. They m ay al so try to show affection l ike a biol ogicalparent w oul d. Chil dren often need som e space initial l y to buil d a rel ationship w ith the stepparent. It is often a good idea to l et the chil d set the pace and fol l ow their l ead. Myth: W e w i l l be abl e to easi l yf orm a new fam i l y. Reality: In m ost cases, chil dren didn t ask for this new fam il y, they need tim e to devel op a history and sense of fam il y. D on t push to create rel ationships. It is often better to have m inim alexpectations of how rel ationships w il ldevel op rather than grand expectations w hich m ay failto m aterial ize. CO U P LE D ISCU SSIO N : 1.W hi ch of these m yths have you been tem pted to bel i eve? 2.H ow coul d havi ng these unreal i sti c expectati ons set you up f or frustrati on and di sappoi ntm ent? 3.H ow are you goi ng to bal ance/pri ori ti ze the chal l enges of a stepfam i l y w hi l e al so nouri shi ng your coupl e rel ati onshi p?

Adapted from T he Sm art Stepf am ily: Seven Stepsto a H ealthy Fam ily by Ron L. Deal, Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers (2002).

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C O U P LE A N D FA M ILY M A P S

In marrying another person, you are also marrying their family.

M A P P IN G YO U R R E LAT IO N SH IP ( see !gure on next page)
In the com puter report, there is a C oupl e M ap w hich indicates how you each described your coupl e rel ationship and a Famil y M ap w hich indicates how you each described your fam il y of origin. These M aps are designed to hel p you better understand and discuss your coupl e rel ationship and fam il ies. The fact that fam il ies are so diverse can add to the chal l enge of m erging individual s from tw o fam il ies into a coupl e rel ationship.

C LO SE N E SS: Closeness refers to how emotionally connected you feel to your partner and family.
H ow do you bal ance separateness and togetherness? Indicators of cl oseness are I vs. W e, l oyal ty, and independence vs. dependence. There are !ve l evel s of cl oseness. B alanced levels ( 3 central l evel s) of cl oseness are m ost heal thy for coupl es and fam il ies, w hil e the tw o U nbalanced levels ( 2 extrem e ends) are m ore probl em atic.

FLE X IB ILIT Y: Flexibility refers to how open couples and families are to change.
H ow do you bal ance stabil ity and change? Indicators of "exibil ity are l eadership, rel ationship rol es, discipl ine and rul es. A s w ith cl oseness, there are !ve l evel s of "exibil ity. B al anced l evel s( 3 centrall evel s) of "exibil ity are the m ost happy and heal thy, w hil e the tw o U nbal anced l evel s( 2 extrem e ends)are m ore probl em atic. C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : C ompare how you each described your coupl e rel ationship. C ompare your famil y of origin with your partner s famil y on cl oseness and ! exibil ity. U se the exampl es bel ow to discuss the cl oseness and ! exibil ity in your famil ies of origin: Fam il y gatherings during a hol iday Cel ebrating a birthday or anniversary D inner tim e / M ealtim e H andl ing discipl ine and parenting responsibil ities Cl oseness in your parentsm arriage Fl exibil ity in your parentsm arriage Caring for a sick fam il y m em ber A dj usting to a stressfulchange ( e.g. a m ove, j ob transition) . 1) How similar or different were your families in terms of closeness and exibility? 2) How might the similarities or differences impact your current relationship? 3) What from your family of origin would you like to repeat in your couple relationship? 4) What from your family would you not like to repeat in your couple relationship? 5) How satised are you with the current level of closeness and exibility in your couple relationship? 6) Consider ways you might increase or decrease closeness and exibility (see next section for ideas.)
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Couple & Family Map

C L O S E N E S S
DISCO NNECTED SO M EW H AT CO NNECTED CO NNECTED VERY CO NNECTED O V ERLY CO NNECTED
FLEX IBILITY IN D ICA TO R S

UN B A LA N C E D O VERLY FLEXIBLE Too m uch ch an g e Lack of l ead ershi p Dram ati c rol e shi fts Errati c di sci pl i ne

F L E X I B I L I

O V ERLY FLEX IBLE

CH A N G E LE A D E R S H IP R O LE SH A R IN G D ISCIPLIN E

VERY FLEX IBLE

FLEX IBILITY IN D ICA TO R

B A LA N CED

SO M EW H AT FLEX IBLE TO VERY FLEX IBLE

CH A N G E

Can ch an g e w h en n ecessary

FLEX IBLE
LE A D E R S H IP

Shared l ead ershi p

R O LE SH A R IN G

Rol e Shari ng

T Y
SO M EW H AT FLEX IBLE
D ISCIPLIN E

Dem ocrati c di sci pl i ne

FLEX IBILITY IN D ICA TO R S

U N BA LA N CED

I N FL E X I B L E

CH A N G E LE A D E R S H IP R O LE SH A R IN G D ISCIPLIN E

INFLEXIBLE Too l i ttl e change Authori tari an l eadershi p Rol es sel dom change Stri ct di sci pl i ne

C LO S E N E S S IN D IC A T O R S I vs. W e C LO S E N E S S LO Y A LTY I N D EPEN D EN CE

UN B A LA N C E D Di sconnected Too M uch (I) Sep araten ess Li ttl e Cl oseness Lack of Loyal ty Hi gh Independence

B A LA N CED Som ew hat Connected to Very Connected G o o d I-W e Bal an ce M od erate to H i gh Cl oseness M oderate to H i gh Loyal ty Interdependent

U N BA LA N CED O verl y Connected Too M u ch (W e) Togetherness Too M uch Cl oseness Loyal ty Dem anded Hi gh Dependency

BALANCED M ID-R ANG E U NBALANCED

C O U PLE A N D FA M ILY M A PS

C LO SEN ESS EX ER C ISES - PR A C T IC A L

T IPS TO

B A LA N C E

YO U R

R E LAT IO N SH IP

If you ! nd yoursel f D isconnected or Somewhat C onnected,try one or more of these ideas to become more connected: Fil lin the bl anks. U se the fol l ow ing prom pts ( or som e of your ow n)to discover or rediscover your partner s innerm ost feel ings. I feelhappy w hen __________;I am afraid of __________; If I had m ore tim e, I w oul d __________;O ne of m y favorite books is __________; O ne thing I have never tol d anyone is __________;I get real l y em barrassed w hen __________; M y favorite m ealis __________; Say N o to outside activities that take too m uch tim e and energy aw ay from your rel ationship. Participate in com m unity service or vol unteering proj ects together. Start having a w eekl y date night. Pl an and dream together. Create a l ist of things you w oul dl ike to do in your l ife and share your l ist w ith your partner. Take a cl ass or vacation together. Find a hobby or activity you can share w ith one another. Com pl im ent your partner. If you ! nd yoursel f O verl y C onnected or Very C onnected,try one or more of these ideas to buil d your independence: M aintain, create and nurture friendships w ith others. Take a cl ass al one or w ith friends. Vol unteer for som ething your partner is not invol ved w ith. G ive yoursel f som e al one tim e w al king, j ogging, or j ournal ing. G et to know and l ike yoursel f. W hen your tank is ful l , you l lhave m ore to share w ith your partner l ater.

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C O U PLE A N D FA M ILY M A PS

FLEX IB ILIT Y EX ER C ISES - PR A C T IC A L

T IPS TO

B A LA N C E

YO U R

R E LAT IO N SH IP

If you ! nd yoursel f In" exi bl e or Som ew hat Fl exi bl e,try one or m ore of these i deas to becom e m ore " exi bl e: Share l eadershi p and rol es.If you and your partner have strictl y de!ned rol es and l eadership patterns, try changing the norm alroutine. Put aw ay your l i sts,cal endars,and schedul es f or a day. Experience the day together w ithout l ooking at a w atch or cl ock. B rai nstorm a l i st of your rol es,and expectati ons f or your rel ati onshi p.Revise this l ist in a w ay that increases "exibil ity. Sw i tch rol es w i th your partner f or a w eek.If your partner norm al l y does the grocery shopping, m ake this your j ob for the w eek w hil e your partner takes over one of your j obs. D o som ethi ng real l y spontaneous.Cl ear your schedul e for a day or w eek and use the tim e to m eet your partner for a rom antic getaw ay. If you ! nd yoursel f O verl y Fl exi bl e or Very Fl exi bl e,try one or m ore of these i deas to add m ore stabi l i ty: A dd m ore consi stency,tradi ti on and ri tual s.Research has found ritual s and routines are associated w ith higher m aritalsatisfaction and stronger fam il y rel ationships. R itual s create strong bonds and buil dl oving rel ationships and are organizers of fam il yl ife. R itual s are m ore than hol idays and rites of passage dail y routines are al so very im portant ritual s for coupl es and fam il ies. D ail y ritual s incl ude m eal tim e ritual s, w ake up and bedtim e ritual s, and everyday greetings and goodbyes. M ake a l i st of househol d tasks and w ho w i l l do them .N egotiate these w ith your partner. A dd m ore consi stency to your parenti ng. K eep prom i ses you m ade to your partner.

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P E R SO N A LIT Y

Question: Do opposites attract or do birds of a feather ock together? Answer: Both are true.
SC O P E O U T YO U R P E R SO N A LIT Y Expl oring your personal ity and your partner s personal ity, can be a fascinating and fun process. It can al so point out chal l enges for coupl es w ho l ove one another, but have very different personal ities and approaches to l ife.
C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : First, review the Personal ity SCO PE section of your com puter report. 1. In w hat area( s) are your personal i ti es si mi l ar? a. H ow can your sim il arities be a strength? b. H ow can your sim il arities create probl em s? 2. In w hat areas are your personal i ti es di fferent? a. H ow can your differences be a strength? b. H ow can your differences create probl em s? 3. D o the rol es you ful !l li n your rel ati onshi p m atch your personal i ty strengths?

(e.g. D oes the person w ho scored high on organization m anage the checkbook?)

D eal i ng w i th Personal i ty D i fferences

D on t try to change your partner s personal i ty. It w on t w ork" R em em ber the posi ti ve aspects of your partner s personal i ty that attracted you i n the ! rst pl ace. B e responsi bl e for yoursel f. T ry to l earn behavi ors that w i l l posi ti vel y contri bute to your rel ati onshi p. H ow can you use your personal i ty di fferences as a strength i n your rel ati onshi p?

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G O A LS Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.

Henry Ford

A C H IE V IN G YO U R G O A LS. . . TO G E T H E R
Cl arify and de!ne your personal , coupl e, and fam il y goal s for the next few years. Then share them w ith your partner. Rem em ber your goal s shoul d be real istic and cl earl y stated. Partner 1 G oal s PersonalG oal s 1. 2. 3. 1. 2. 3. Partner 2 G oal s PersonalG oal s

Coupl e G oal s 1. 2. 3. 1. 2. 3.

Coupl e G oal s

Fam il y G oal s 1. 2. 3. 1. 2. 3.

Fam il y G oal s

C O U P LE D ISC U SSIO N : W ere you surpri sed by any of your partner s goal s? W hi ch goal s are m ost i m portant to you ri ght now ? W hat are the current i ssues surroundi ng these goal s? H ow do your partner s goal s com pl em ent or com pete w i th yours? H ow can you each contri bute to achi evi ng these goal s? W hat w i l l be the ! rst step to m ake thi s goal becom e a real i ty?

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