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An amazing and truly great work—Art. Waiting to Love is stark, free, graceful, uncompromising and therefore new and unfamiliar. I resisted it, except when I was letting it blow my hair back, letting it insult, quicken, and enlarge me. And then it was exhilarating, opening me to the space of love, and the vista from here. It's breathtaking. Deida slices not just through the surface skin, but down into the fibers, and then through multiple levels of muscle, mind and convention—and then deeper dimensions too—in this never-ending exploration of awareness and growth and presence. I've never seen anything vaguely like it. Deida is so far ahead of the pack, there's hardly anyone around to keep up with him. Waiting to Love recalibrates a new level of dialog about how to live an authentic, embodied spiritual life. This book breaks so much new ground, it's a tsunami for those who'll let it wash them all the way to the new water's edge it defines. --Terry Patton Founder of Tools For Exploration Author: Blowback: Technology's Hidden Neurological Consequences Waiting to Love is shocking. David Deida manages to marry the impossible; this spiritual masterpiece is entertaining, elegant, and deeply profound. There is a magic in this book that has the ability to relax our deepest resistances to love and leave us wide open, page after page. Deida gracefully frees us from waiting to love—this may be the last book you will ever have to read on the subject of spirituality. --Vartman Founder of The United Peace Foundation Author: Unreasonable Happiness David Deida is one of the most courageous pioneers at the cutting edge of spiritual life. Waiting to Love takes us beyond mere insights, beyond spiritual highs, beyond selfimprovement and healing—into the wide uncharted waters of true self-discovery—into an exploration that has no end. Not for the faint of heart or the timid, this is the whole nine yards—with nothing held back. --Arjuna Ardagh Founder of The Living Essence Foundation Author: How About Now?

Note to the Reader................................................................................................1 Preface.................................................................................................................3 Introduction...........................................................................................................4 1. Are You Waiting for Anything?........................................................................13 2. Dreaming You are Awake...............................................................................20 3. Whorling as Open Light..................................................................................26 4. Ken Wilber is a Fraud.....................................................................................37 5. I Am an Arrogant Liar......................................................................................53 6. Sacrifice Through Inhabitance........................................................................72 7. The Glorious Mr. Wedgie................................................................................75 8. Torn To Love...................................................................................................78 9. Our Unnecessary Life.....................................................................................82 10. The Ant and the Ruler...................................................................................90 11. Sex is Inconclusive.....................................................................................107 12. Lancelot’s Obsession..................................................................................115 13. Gritting Teeth and Love’s Yawn..................................................................137 14. The Ritual of Life as Love...........................................................................148 15. Three Aspects of Now.................................................................................156 16. Where Is Up?..............................................................................................163 17. The Art and Politics of Is.............................................................................175 18. On Cornflakes and Free Will.......................................................................187 19. Spontaneous Disinterest.............................................................................198 20. The Glass of Suffering................................................................................210

Our life is an offering. Can you feel the urge to offer more? Unoffered love is our suffering. Our ungiven gifts clench as stress. Relaxing as now frees the gift our love wants to be. You and I are love’s means. This moment is our offering. We will die fully given, or we will die ungiven, still waiting. Now is our chance. Let’s be rude together, like lovers at a funeral, touching each other wide open amongst the straight faces, laughing our fullest offering of love for the sake of the dead and the still waiting.

If you are waiting for anything or anyone in order to feel more full, free, relaxed, happy, or loving, then you are wasting this moment of your life. —The Mutant How can I describe this book? I’ll start here: my life-partner of about 20 years, the love of my life, is living with another man, who has been one of my best friends for almost as long. I sometimes imagine them having sex—anal, oral, and genital—or simply cuddling together. The possessive part of me cringes. Another part of me—I’ll call him the “Mutant,” since others call him by the same name—smiles in relaxation. I’m presently in relationship with a woman who my life-partner suggested for me some years ago with everyone’s best interest in mind. The Mutant in me knows that everybody benefits from this overall arrangement of intimacy, including my life-partner, her lover, myself, my lover, and, most importantly, our extended community of friends and their friends. We all agree that love is offered most fully through this specific arrangement — for now. Waiting to Love Page 4

regardless of how unconventional the results may appear. which has come to possess our lives. and who know how to deal with him: my friends and co-practitioners. but mostly by those who love the Mutant with unbelievable generosity. The Mutant part of me insists that we allow love to have its way with us. suffering. and celebrating this exploration into allowing love’s gifts to open through us and flow outward to the world. This bulldozing attitude is balanced somewhat by my other parts. We are also learning to remain open. even if our lives are ruined in the process. given our strengths and weaknesses. if we will only allow it. We are learning how to relax open as love’s spontaneous offering. shredded to tender anguish on . because our personal travails pale in love’s brightness.None of us know how long this configuration will remain the form for our heart’s deepest expression of truth. We have all spent many years practicing to relax open: feeling. And this “best offering” hurts as deep as our heart’s merciless truth. Our hearts have been. trusting each other while navigating through seemingly insurmountable storms of reactivity. even as we are wounded by our chafing human emotions. and still are. for real. but that’s what it is: the current “best offering” that all of our hearts can manage. This is an art that takes time to develop. All of this. and at times confessing our disabling numbness. and we are beginners.

in whatever form that requires. Our relationships are monogamous. we have mutually discovered—with help from each other. Our feeling-exploration continues. Over decades. My few adult intimate relationships have been life-long commitments to serving one another in love. I’m willing to do just about anything. our friends. We are not promiscuous. but it’s true. or I’ve found that I’m simply afraid to surrender as love wants to live—although the Mutant persistently urges me on. If they all agree. I’m committed to doing what it takes so that love is liberated for all—although sometimes my own fears hold me back. Most of us are waiting to give our deepest gifts to each other and the world. I’ve encountered many of my own blind spots that can’t see love’s most true form of expression. I’ve learned that it’s best to temper the Mutant by trusting the wisdom of my friends. or I’ll live in a home with many friends and whatever sexual alliances most benefit all beings. and our teachers—that love is most fully liberated by this particular arrangement of living we have come upon. This probably sounds strange.a daily basis by feeling and being willing to risk living the answer to this question: How is love most artfully offered to each other and for the sake of the world? As of this writing. co practitioners. I’ll be celibate and live in isolation. Why? To love without waiting is to jump Waiting to Love Page 6 . Do yours? Most people are waiting to love. and teachers.

alert and loosened to feel love’s subtle calling. philosophies. allowing ourselves to be lived as an offering. Openness is our very nature. always. being guided by great intensity of purpose. but sometimes we lose touch with the love that is our openness. This book’s essays avow that we can offer our lives relaxed in utter trust of love’s reign. still waiting to love. families. or we are not trusting. so we have something to call “mine. Unless we can feel. . because we don’t trust the spontaneous aliveness of every moment’s birth. and so we formulate a life story in fear.” Freedom is trusting the unfabricated openness of love. the love that knows and shows as our self and the entire world. and a constant stream of internal dialogue. like a trained dancer trusting gravity’s as life—without knowing what’s going to happen. we are unwilling to let go of our fabricated homes of security. We fabricate relationships. right now. To open without fear requires trust in who we truly are and the love that lives us. We are either living as an offering. yet relaxing because we know our heart’s capacity to love is indestructible. jobs.

acting as our deepest impulse to offer our love’s gifts without holding anything back? Are we willing to relax open as love’s offering while everything that is “mine” inevitably comes and goes. In any case. anger.” Chances are. our ideals. Perhaps we are just at the wrong place at the wrong time and a car plows into our fragile body. We seem to have a “my life.Are we willing to surrender so fully that we are lived as love’s innate intelligence. our mind is distracted in ideas and plans. wrangling our emotions in jealousy. even our sense of self? We can die at any time.” This provides the basis for marriage. our children. cycling through loneliness and ecstatic communion. and thus we have a temporary story. fight. including our wives and husbands. This distraction provides a sense of purpose. even joy. as we age. you are more wrapped up in your life than mine. hurt. the opposition of life against life. and even eat other lives—carrots.” There also seems to be a “your life. Our relationships. I’m definitely more wrapped up in mine than yours. Our plane may crash. motivate us in pain and pleasure to move away and closer. And so the Mutant would destroy my Waiting to Love Page 8 . And in the meantime. devastating failure and success. We embrace. bringing two lives together—as well as the basis for war. Our arteries may clog. our money. our body rots to death. for instance. or perhaps chickens—for the sake of sustaining “my life. guilt.

or at least under his influence. This Mutant part of me is surely urging me along as I risk my most precious relationship. which were written by my inner Mutant. The Mutant finds this spiritual posturing. committing to explore love in partnership with a new woman. which shines more brightly than “mine” and “yours. . He is only interested in love’s open being. Some of us begin to relax open a bit and feel the oneness of all—and ruin yours—for the sake of love’s deepest offering. and participating—with much weeping by everybody—as one of my best friends creates an intimacy with my life-long lover. and it causes much unnecessary suffering.” We become distracted in the “my life” of spiritual endeavors. We become what we call “spiritual.” The entire “mine and yours” picture is just one perspective of life. at any expense. to be ridiculous. the Mutant wants us to know. I’m not saying this is healthy. Yet my heart is also relieved—blissfully so—by the felt-rightness of this intimate arrangement that seems crazy to the parts of me that would prefer fabricated comfort to being torn wide open by love’s way. who my heart knows can never be replaced. yours and mine. I’m just providing a context for the essays in this book.

The Mutant is tired of attention.Despite my other parts. He sometimes speaks with the voice of a mad scientist. these essays emerge as an unbidden show of love radiating through the Mutant’s twisted character. He wants everyone. and so his naïve honesty is sometimes refreshing and often reckless. Waiting to Love Page 10 . It’s as if he were reaching for a flower while a bomb was falling inches above his head: “So what. and the Mutant is weary of chasing the mirage. He feels death at least as strongly as life. that love’s openness is who we really are. He’s no longer willing to wait to love. a chest-puffing know-it-all. including me and you. not to wait to love. not to wait for anything. This part of me is certain. the scent of a rose?” The Mutant can’t get no satisfaction. so attention’s movement dwindles. relaxing open onto its source. This Mutant isn’t a pristine creature. right now. but to give our fullest offering. Paying attention to anything goes nowhere but to more stuff that requires attention. and so life seems as good as dead to his rueful character. The fun piece—if you can call it “fun”—is that the Mutant is rather immature.” while also engaging a rigorous plethora of practices to relax open more stably as indestructibly vulnerable love. From this source. not too loosely—feeling into and through the unseen currents that give rise to what we call “the world. some might say militantly so. a haughty intellectual. the Mutant trains for hours a day—not too tightly. He finds people boring and irritating—including you and me—because they require attention.

wishing every being would awaken as love’s offering.) But he wants to say one last thing. the Mutant has all but given up. a carefully distanced pseudo-expert on mankind. and so he wrote these essays. and by the tender love alive as every moment. The essays in this book are sputtering shouts of the Mutant. not by Christ’s or Buddha’s or Mohammad’s efforts. including me and you. of which he does not feel himself to be a member. without waiting.Besides being immature and willing to risk just about anything to relax open as love and offer himself fully. or at least likes to think he has. There are parts to me other than the Mutant. an opening through which these essays spill. sans flowers. . feeling everybody waiting and suffering. Humans haven’t been enlightened en masse. Try as he might to retract from life. and those other parts have written other books. and certainly not by the Mutant’s whippersnapper attempts. knowing that no amount of effort changes anybody much. he is wounded by love lost in moments of forgetfulness. remarkably. not being able to stand it anymore. the Mutant has been ripped open by love. paradoxically. At this point. (You and I can roll our eyes at his pretentiousness. the Mutant is also a vociferous curmudgeon. Yet.

You are welcome to skip over whatever seems too dense or abstract until you come upon something that you find more interesting. The following chapters are wholly his offering to you. You may have noticed that the Mutant part of me has already managed to show through much of this introduction.The essays in this book progressively deepen via accumulated interconnections. but are presented in a more or less random order. Waiting to Love Page 12 .

Why does experiencing your children’s love or winning a million dollars make you smile? This is really living and enjoying life fully. and even . Are You Waiting for Anything? “If we were not all so excessively interested in ourselves. lingerie looks more silly as the years plunder our flesh. Children grow up and leave home. that nothing lasts. life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.1. I want more. I love these moments so much! We want to experience pleasure and avoid pain. or a woman’s shapely breasts appeal to you? I want them. and always has been. I feel happy when I touch and see them. Following our interests doesn’t work.” —Arthur Schopenhauer Why is anything interesting to you? Why do finely cut diamonds. silken lingerie. and this largely determines the course of our interests and actions. The problem is.

He and she were in bed. happy. No matter what we do. who knew how beautiful and special I am. or calming my mind in meditation. awakened by the morning. If you are waiting for anything or anyone in order to feel more full. He was thinking about the day. relaxed. If only my lover would really love me. eventually we feel a lack. what he had to accomplish. The masculine in each of us seeks the freedom of success to fill the lack. free. Her head was filled with thoughts. who could feel how much love my heart has to give. Waiting to Love Page 14 . The feminine in each of us seeks the flow of love to fill the triumph or fame ceases to fulfill our heart absolutely. feel. but her body felt his warm skin. too. Once you understand this. the next step is realizing that your life—even your waiting to love—isn’t what it seems to be. or loving. If only I succeeded in acquiring more money. or acquire right now. then you are wasting this moment of your life. If only somebody was in my life who truly saw me for who I was. then I would finally feel more free. or understanding the nature of existence. or making the world a more peaceful place.

her smell. By the time his eyes were open. the alarm clock rang. pressing his body into hers. She moved her foot to touch his. he thought. Later in their life. take her. It was time for him to go to work. as he reached to caress her thigh for a moment. He had been dreaming. the dream was already forgotten. he thought. the way her hair fell across her face. Their loving could wait a little longer. He turned his head to look into her eyes. and their activities had begun. Even as he touched her thigh casually. Later that day. hold her. What was she thinking? He loved her lips. they would both die. They smiled. and love her.She wanted to feel him touch her. . they would both be ensconced in activities and forget the love they almost shared. awakening them. She didn’t seem ready to open her body to him anyway.

Theoretically speaking.” the unchanging conscious witness. by whatever you believe is real. although we may require some training. but nothing aligns her as love’s light more quickly than absolute presence: gazing deeply into her eyes. and we are waiting to love fully and give all of our self. You can chat all you want. touching her with Waiting to Love Page 16 . as a gift. giving ou r deepest gifts as a blessing for all. is the most aligning force in the universe. Your love and gifts become bound by whatever you think you are waiting for. “He. as an offering. right now. you could describe the masculine force of consciousness as directional. and gets juicier as the basics become effortless. we are appearing as the very light of consciousness. you are feeling and acting as one of the characters in the dream. knowing he remains unmoved but feeling everything. Regardless of our excuses. to fully offer our self as love’s gift without waiting in fear of sex’s deepest expression. as a lover would. we rarely open fearlessly as love’s fullest offering. This training starts with theory. and her wildness becomes aligned by the force of his unwavering presence. blissfully gone in the giving. “She” can go absolutely wild as love’s living light.While dreaming. Most often. until you wake up. That is who you think you are. alive as love. Awake or dreaming. like an artist would. we feel afraid to some degree.

fearless confidence and sensitivity. you may be ready to open and be taken by the nature of this moment. in its fullest expression. Fuck. feeling deeply into her heart without pulling back. knowing and showing wide open as consciousness and light. and some descriptions are more politically correct than others. What is more fuck than that? I fully sympathize with philosophers. claiming her by relaxing as the pervading consciousness that already is entering and opening her. There are many ways of describing this cognizant luminosity of openness. that “fuck” might be the only word in the English language that carries enough power to convey the truth of love as the pulse of existence. and psychologists who are doing their best to communicate the nature of spirituality—and its aftermath—to the normal reader. These readers are typically so identified with their waking human appearance—let alone their maleness or femaleness or doubt . loving itself as he-consciousness and she-light. so intensely two always melded as not-two. consenting to love itself as this he and she. I’m not much of a theorist. before any genitals are even involved. so I’ll try to cut to the chase. scientists. is conscious luminosity. giving birth to spacetime in their rhythmic resistance and surrender. and your life still feels lacking. The nature of this moment as conscious light is so radically alive and explosive. now. Once you try following the course of your interests.

as if our entire life was a gift to a very. “Where is the one who would truly love me?” “How can I succeed?” The fullest realization of fuck shatters this dream into an open offering of conscious light.thereof—that most writers are forced to either walk on eggshells. we are suffering. Waiting to Love Page 18 . we are here to give. who is eating us alive right now. very ready lover. Buying lingerie. or both. caution can sometimes outweigh the emptiness of the appearance that we assume to be so solid. working to create a peaceful world—if we are not surrendered as love’s open offering right now. Like a man being careful not to disturb his lover in a dream. building a business. We are not here to get. Our body is here as an offering. and thus we feel stuck and confused. Caution can obscure the lucidity of this moment’s unfabricated appearance as love’s open shine. reaching for something that we intuit is possible. raising a family. eliminate the depth of their expression.

To put it in simple terms: our life is wrought with suffering because we are growing older and approaching death while following our interests that lead nowhere that is more full of fuck than right now—but most of us are afraid of even using that word. and breaking plenty of eggshells while jumping all over the place. that I am relieved of this obligation. and outwardly for the whole world’s sake—if our hearts were unburdened by fear? Other. Luckily. . more careful writers have liberated me to write untrapped by niceties. in everyday life. perhaps offending the more self-reifying humans. without too much caution or even overt continuity— although my intention would be to weave gently a subtle thread throughout. Thanks to them. aggression. and politics play in life after spirituality? How would we offer our love with each other—sexually. How does one live after attaining the realizations of a so-called spiritual life. and peaceful allocations of wisdom have liberated my sloppy excess. the prevailing spiritual writers are doing such a good job and are being so skillfully cautious in their expression. which I pray is for the benefit of those whose tastes resonate with mine. impeccable logic. being the fuck that is this moment’s effulgence of living light. I offer what I can with genuine reverence to those whose skilful care. like in this essay. casting delicacy to the wind. may God forgive them. I can expose questions without hesitancy. And we are much more afraid to live open as love’s offering. consciousness lovingly aglow to gone. much of which is bullshit? What does it mean that the fuck of conscious light gives birth to spacetime? What roles do drugs.

your experience is coming and going. Waiting to Love Page 20 . In every moment of your life. Dreaming You are Awake “All our final resolutions are made in a state of mind which is not going to last.” —Marcel Proust Right now. Feeling trapped or unloved.2. So will your successes: at times you will feel trapped by life’s obligations. The love that you want to flow in your life will come and go as people change. everything is changing. for better and for worse. You can learn to change your inner and outer life so you feel better. more free and loving. and at times you will feel free. or vanish. you have four fundamental choices in any moment. You can learn to accept and simply be present with your inner and outer life the way they are. 2. 1. whether you are awake or dreaming. grow.

But. if you really train to feel deeply. making love as everything that appears and vanishes in rhythms of forgotten bliss—this capacity deepens through training.3. or to cut through the stream of appearances. being fully present—meditating as the observing witness. Why do you do anything. You are already free. as each breath or thought comes and goes. and dying. sleeping. Whole worlds and their bodies appear and disappear in cycles of waking. dreaming. right now. for instance. rippling as the divine fuck of conscious light. you realize that all things and selves are gone the instant they arise. is instantaneously obvious as unbounded love or freedom. You can also learn to accept things as they are. You can learn to relax open and allow all three of the above simultaneously. maybe. right now. and who do you think you are? . or volunteer to help the homeless. You can learn to feel this present moment so deeply that its very nature. Your capacity to be free and loving—to live spontaneously as an offering. You have never known anything that isn’t an appearance. 4. You are this love. rippling as love in the ever-present openness that can know or feel its own light. You can certainly learn to change things for the better—do a little yoga. The depth of your practice depends on your motivation and identity.

In a dream, when you are attending and feeling as one of the characters in the dream, that is who you think you are, until you wake up. Awake, when you are attending and feeling as one of the characters in the world, that is who you think you are, until you fall asleep, or die. Where your attention is feeling, defines who you are. You can recall your experiences growing up and think that is who you are, a story of memories held in mind: your first motorcycle ride, your first French kiss, the laughter and lawsuits with your last spouse. You can meditate by focusing inwardly, closing your eyes and attending to inner sounds and visions, and think that is who you are, a mystical being of celestial qualities, perhaps angelic and beneficent, far more sacred than what your daily chores feel like. You can open your eyes, look in a mirror, and think that is who you are, an awake body of flesh, accompanied by the blemishes and assets, the baggage and talents you call “my life.” Even in a dream, your dream-eyes can see a dream-body in a dream-mirror, and you can dream-think that is who you are, dream-pimples, dream-problems, and all. Waiting to Love Page 22

So, who are you and what is your motivation? The only thing you always are is unconfined openness that can know and feel, whether you are awake, dreaming, meditating, or sleeping. This openness spontaneously expresses itself as love and knows as consciousness, but it has no borders or shape or qualities other than its very openness and capacity to feel or know. Due to long-standing habits, we forget this openness who we always are. Instead, our attention goes to the churning patterns of our apparent life, whether we are dreaming or awake. We get out of bed, pee, look in the mirror, hug our children, eat breakfast, and go to work—forever hoping to find more love or success—and then at some point it all dissolves (when we awake, or go to sleep, or die). With practice, we can learn to feel and relax as the openness we are, even in sleep and death. We may still get out of bed, hug our children, and go to work, but the whole appearance of life is felt for what it is, a spontaneous appearance. Every body appearing, anyone at any time or seeming place, is of the same selfluminous and spontaneously showing nature, as if they were all bodies appearing in a dream, lighted by the lucidity of conscious openness itself. However, when the world seems solid, then you also believe that your appearing body is who you truly are. Your open love becomes bound to the

outlines you hold: the outlines of your spouse, your country, your career. You become afraid of losing the shape of the appearing world and its bodies. You feel a constant stress, no matter how comfortable and happy you pretend to be. This morning, when I awoke and found myself in bed, I allowed myself to drift back to sleep, and began to dream intensely of a scene in a parking lot. Then I awoke again, and fell into dreaming again, this time swimming in a pool with friends. This occurred over and over, the waking and dreaming pictures coming and going. Then, the awake “I” started his day. My lower back ached. I was thirsty. Throughout the day, I could feel my character in the waking state, my remembered history gnarling through my current behavior. As the oldest of four sons I was treated special, as a precocious child. Now, the stream of my waking bodymind swirling, I often expect to be treated special as an adult. I couldn’t help but smile. My awake-body character is an arrogant, elitist, fearful, recluse, and of the same essential nature as my dream-bodies— the same openness of being that Waiting to Love Page 24

can feel and know, a love-swirl streaming and rippling, spontaneously appearing, changing, and disappearing. Within any dream or awake world, historical events are adding up to the momentum that creates this moment. “You” in any moment are a snapshot of a stream in motion, whose destiny can be known if one’s vision is sufficiently wide. And you are also spontaneously appearing with the entire world, while dreaming or awake. Fear is ignorantly believing in the substantiality of the love-openness that swirls as every appearing thing, gnarling as all forms. Fear is living in a world with a solid you that is separate from solid others, all apparently trapped in a world wherein love seems rarely sufficient. Like an artist committed to deepening your offering, practice opening to the nature of the appearing streams that comprise what you call self, others, and the world. Feel this moment’s open cognizance, shining, unrestricted and free. Again and again, soften you r body as a smile, and know the obviousness of this openness as love, pure feeling without bounds. This is who you are, and how you are motivated to offer your self: vanishing as love fully given.

Waiting to Love Page 26 . feelings. nothing straight can be fashioned. the stream of our thoughts. I wonder if I’ll finish this project today. that seem worth attending to. although to each of us it seems like the story of our lives.” —Immanuel Kant Our attention is habituated to tension. and actions is a pattern of tension that carries with it the illusion that we are going somewhere.3. In reaction. our mind continues streaming as tension’s flow. loving us. and that others are going with us. Attending to that pattern of selves and world is an unnecessary act. always strutting her stuff. more or less. What time did I make that appointment for? Whoa! Almost dropped my coffee cup. I feel so alone. ripples of light. A thought. I wish somebody were here to share my life with. the sunset —these are crimps in openness that provide forms. Check out that neighbor of mine. waking or dreaming. Whorling as Open Light “From such crooked wood as that which man is made of. In any world that appears. a person.

God. but the big stream of the (dreaming or awake) world and others continues until it disappears in deep dreamless sleep or death. to discover our life’s purpose. . Our needs—to be loved. so we act in a way that creates thoughts and feelings in others. to contribute to the world. I was completely absorbed in my play. The way we think and feel now is due to billions of influences—mostly not in our awareness—in our apparent dreaming or waking lifetime appearance-bodies. The Krebs cycle taking place in our cellular metabolism and the psychosomatic habits inherited from our parents remain largely outside of our attentiveness. Every thought evokes another thought. and so forth—pertain only to the character presently appearing. I’d like to be married to a man like that. enacting a never-ending interconnected webwork of streaming cause and effect—whether we are in a dream or waking world. the one whose story rivets our attention for now. Part of my story: I remember as a child. We can intentionally change small portions of the appearing picture. triggering feelings in our body and emotional reactions. until mother called me to dinner. I would play for hours in the sandbox with my toy trucks. What’s wrong with me? Well. building roads and cities with sticks and small rocks. who can blame him? I’m overweight and getting older.

and using ample deodorant gradually overtook my interest in sandbox cities and toy trucks. and years with them gave me many more answers than I ever got from reading.Years later. except for entertainment and technical knowledge. even when my friends needed me. I meditated and did yoga many hours. I began practicing what I was taught by people who lived more deeply open than I did. I began to be interested in girls. Books became obsolete. without missing a day. I began to read in earnest. I became as obsessed with improving Waiting to Love Page 28 . trying to find an answer to why life seemed to be so painful and meaningless. clear. and happy. acting cool. My life became dedicated almost entirely to training myself to be open. I took on a dietary regime. I knew there was an answer to the questions: Why is there anything at all? What is my place in the world? What is God. and why do I love whom I do? Girls became secondary to finding the answers I sought. Soon. Combing my hair. Eventually I met people who seemed to have the answers I was looking for. days. thinking it would help clarify my mind. Spending hours. if God even exists. and I refused to eat my grandmother’s cookies.

They may eat special food. searching for an answer is oh so boring. Our life story that seems so important today is a temporary tension arising with our attention. itself. and even spiritual practices. answers. Their wholesome eagerness mitigates the mystery of life. Spirituality itself is not the end. Phases occur when the appearing self thinks it has arrived at something truly important. it has opened beyond the need to feel that spiritual growth is anything other than a part of a storyline in the stream of attention’s form. are among the most boring people on earth. Men and women who seek spiritual salvation. As your apparent self grows.myself as I had been with my sandbox cities. or love. and finding answers in books. girls. you may experience a kind of compassionate disdain for those who are yet to outgrow the phase that has most recently become uninteresting to you. Whatever we attend to will eventually become uninteresting and forgotten. or know that theirs . For instance. girls. From this phase of our mindstream. b eyond trucks. but simply a temporary obsession of attention as it eases to recognize its nature as openness. books. or presume to have attained it. follow a sacred regime.

is the true and noble way.” Munch. courtesy abounds. These big-bellied creatures are fed in gatherings large and small.” Mmm. They are given bales of wisdom. The so-called spiritually profound person resembles nothing so much as a docile cow with sufficient grass. and you are perfect just as you are. Days and nights are filled with the delicious fiber of proper behavior. Their story is gloated with preciousness.” Waiting to Love Page 30 . deep understanding. Their surety crushes love’s spontaneity. And the most savory bite: “Everything is divine. They know the answer. and the certainty of right pursuit. Salvation sates the spirit. and their astute cud chewed with relish. munch. the postures assumed. “Don’t do this and that. “Do this and that. and they eat it up. They graze in spiritual pastures: the candles are lit. halting love’s momentum. thank you. lick. Each assumes that his or her destiny is worthy of exceptional attention.

.Gnawed truth becomes pabulum. satisfaction turns out to be unnecessary. affecting the appearing world in myriad ways. and bodily existence. dolls. The writing is textured by the superiority-assumption gnarling in my mindstream. however. and undomesticated love abides without being catered. masticates love until bland. Thinking I am superior—and that “I” am a solid thing in a solid world—generates contractive feelings and actions that ripple outward from me through the appearing space. Like baseball cards. Witless satiation exemplifies the spiritually bovine way of life. sustained and enthused by gormandizing bundles of revelation. the spiritual way of life is an enthusiasm naturally outgrown by spirit. set in motion by my particular childhood influences and inherited traits. just as your inherited traits and influences are gnarling your mindstream right now—another person reading these words would be experiencing their own stream of thoughts and feelings. I wrote the above at a time when “the spiritual way of life” became obsolete for my appearing awake-character. The spiritual aspirant. Sooner or later.

some bad. and the world become suffused with openness and humor. alive. and thus naturally fear the death of the “thing” that they are. The humorous love that shines in the eyes of my friends reminds me to feel deeper than the story that is showing as the moment. Jeez. but mostly they will be gnarling for the duration of our appearing lives. I can’t believe how arrogantly I just acted! I’m glad my friends can see right through the stream of events and know that our whorls can be intentionally modified a bit here and there. So. I might take the appearing dream too seriously and get lost in the story of my seemingly solid life. and about to vanish in the open cognizance of the dreamer. Due to genetically inherited characteristics manifesting in the now-appearing Waiting to Love Page 32 . But in any moment that the appearing “I” feels the openness that is the very nature of now. my appearing charac ter is a jerk. the entire picture instantly relaxes. others. including the whorl of superiority in the now-appearing stream of my life. allowing the whole moment to loosen as the love that is living us. but aggrandizing the apparent solidity of the world in any case. I. other people feel themselves as solid. bright. as if we all realized we were characters in a short-lived dream.some good. Without my friends to remind me. My body and mind are disintegrating.

I can see the genetic stream that flows through generations adding its whorl to my food predilections. have created numerous ongoing kinkings. regardless of current appearance. though not especially traumatic. my spinal discs are rupturing. my head is balding. Spending time with my grandparents. . regardless of our personal twists and eddies. My friends and I often laugh together in remembrance of our one clear identity. or psycho-emotional responses. My physical posture and emotional preferences reflect those of my parents’. but such efforts are secondary to the recognition that the water itself is nothing other than loving. and they seem just as real and just as “me. openness. and relational attitudes.” Sometimes. All of this disappears when I sleep. My early childhood experiences. knowing. I’ve had diseased organs surgically removed. in the streaming of my personality. My dream selves have their own streaming body and mind. sexual quirks. and my eyesight is failing. We may try to bring fresh flow into some of our more smelly and stagnant backwaters. and reappears upon awakening.bodystream. the appearing “me” in dreams (and while awake) would like me to be different so that appearing others can benefit more and suffer less.

in truth and at all times. Saraha. and the entire world is. and opening in love’s freedom on the other: “If you examine minutely the mindstreams of people who continually devote themselves at present to physical and verbal acts of virtue and those who spend their whole lives engaging in harmful actions. eddies. You and I appear as dynamic rivers streaming with unique histories—composed of rapids. I believe we would agree: my character is somewhat of an asshole. you will Waiting to Love Page 34 . as if in a dream. We could both smile at my whorling rudeness. of one essential nature: the unconfined openness that can know and feel with no bounds at all. and gnarls—and we are both spontaneously appearing along with the rest of the world.The shape of our selfing as seekers and givers wears thin in the thickness of love’s unconfined freedom alight as this moment’s openness. We are. a great Tibetan Buddhist practitioner from long ago. as if we were looking at a tree growing with a gnarl. If you met me. whether appearing as an awake or dreaming moment. spoke of this difference between being straight or gnarled on the one hand. recognizing our essential identity as love’s openness that is able to know and feel as our streaming show of selves. This personality whorl would be equally apparent to you and I.

the deepest “I am”—whether waking. with very different results in the appearing world. respectively—neither is more than a prolongation of cyclic existence. if they are confused. they are confused because their mindstreams are confused. And always. hope and fear. Buddhahood Without Meditation.find that there is not an iota of difference in the minds of both types of people with respect to the perpetuation of attachment and aversion. Nevertheless. Some of us live more straight and others live as twisted as a tropical storm. pg 61. or dying—is able to feel as love’s openness. Hence. But since the mindstream of neither type of person has been freed. dreaming until dead asleep. meditating. dreaming. they gain freedom because their mindstreams are freed. dream after dream. If they gain freedom. relaxed as if nothing . sometimes dying without reappearing in any remembered form. Padma Publishing. although there is a short-term distinction between virtuous and harmful actions—they give rise to temporary happiness and suffering.” (Dudjom Lingpa.) Cyclic existence is our life story. 1994. there is not a hair’s tip of difference as far as their wandering in cyclic existence. all seeming life stories begin. sleeping. appearing-life after appearing-life. and end the same: waking until dreaming. play out. day after day. Some of our stories are more twisted than others—the gnarled streaming of our bodies and minds differ. re-appearing and disappearing.

Waiting to Love Page 36 . if it is remembered at all.has ever happened. regardless of the story that seemed to have appeared for a while.

Ken Wilber is a Fraud “Forgive us our virtues. In any case. —Friedrich Nietzsche How to live as a gift in this appearing world while also feeling the world. he represents one way to live skillfully. He has also recognized this dream we inhabit for what it is.” That is what we should ask of our neighbors. starting with The Atman Project. although I’m not sure he would describe himself that way." In this sense. one of my very favorite writers and a friend who I love greatly. Ken is a conscious fraud. in effect. spiritually speaking. for the benefit of appearing others.4. is someone I consider a tremendous gift to the world.” which is the title of one of his many books—takes into account the humor of its utterly non-solid foundation. as insubstantial as a dream? Ken Wilber. as a gift in an appearing world. and for what it isn’t. every book he has written has had one hidden sentence that says. As Ken has suggested. . "everything in this book is a lie. His writing—a system of philosophy that can be called “A Theory of Everything. and your gift.

I started thinking that maybe Ken had painted himself into something of a corner. although much can be said about it. My whorl-festered awake-character started wondering what would happen if Ken was more explicit about his non-ignorance of the unconfined openness that loves and knows. Perhaps his immense body of work was inadvertently helping some people reify their solid sense of separate self that thought it knew its place in a world so well-modeled by Ken’s work. and associated with a brief and essentially Waiting to Love Page 38 . Ken certainly knows this. One day. rather than knowing its place in a seeming world. both as a person and as a philosopher.Everything he writes about. Is his conscious fraudulence still the most beneficial way to offer his gifts? Why continue to write hidden sentences. and Ken himself. while entertaining whatever apparent knowings Ken offers so artfully. with Ken.” what would happen if he openly lived as if he knew (which he does) that “everything” was only apparent. although many people attribute too much solidity to his presentation. despite his hidden sentences and profound knowledge of the unknowable. “Everything in this book is a lie?” Instead of pretending to be so seriously engaged as a modeler of “everything. is of the nature of open knowingness temporarily appearing as if in a dream that can never be truly substantiated. and thus resting openly and in humor. and includes it in his writings.

presented. all-level” vision) for precisely as long as it spontaneously self-arises and opens gone? Instead of engaging Germanic debates concerning ontological realms of existence versus gradients of developing consciousness. at least in terms of conducting himself as a philosopher of everything.rather than pre-rational fashion. again and again evoked by idiot-scholars to re-explain and further articulate his offerings. he has certainly used his current vehicle of self to the point of near-obsolescence. . which lack the enzymes to digest some of the more subtle delicacies that Ken enjoys and tries to give to others on a platter exquisitely. repeatedly subject to auto-catalytic rejection by the prevailing metabolics of academic thought. and just pooped on the carpet of his critics (in a trans. and foreverincompletely. what would happen if Ken learned pointing-out techniques from his dog.non-existent self that seems existent along with a whole Kosmos that can be theoretically modeled (in Ken’s “all-quadrant. what would happen if he jumped into the next appearance of his self. of course)? Instead of donating his appearing self as a brilliant philosopher. allowing students of his work to continue that which could never be finished? In my perverse mind. It was just a strange thought.

His character exudes the subdued charm of one who knows way too much for the common good. Ken Wilber is glorious in almost every way. His mind authenticates genius. As both person and writer. His books are far more than brilliant and startlingly unprecedented.A haughtily voiced eddy of my character began laughing and writing while affectionately imagining Ken. and compassionate to others. After some people reacted rather strongly to the resulting essay. and therefore I. who am rather under-endowed with goodness.” I wholeheartedly agree with Ken’s feeling that perhaps my greatness had “stomped” on my goodness when I wrote. However. A great man is lovingly ruthless. Waiting to Love Page 40 . and dies with no gift left ungiven. A good man is kind. the following: Ken Wilber is a good man. as well as a great man. Ken Wilber is. “Part of wisdom is knowing how to balance goodness and greatness… People just don't get what you are trying to do. And wisdom means being able to tell the difference. Ken said. few understand that he is a fraud. with great smiles of love. sincere. the most influential and prodigiously beautiful philosopher of our time. caring. Ken is too good for his own greatness. decent. feel obliged to stand up for Ken’s greatness. in my opinion.

suspicion is frequently aroused. . Ken is an inspiration to hundreds of thousands. And so. Some would call Ken’s heart cold and his disposition arrogant. to come clean for real. and his life is now waning into bureaucratic huffing and puffing while he seeks to build a pseudo-academic monument to reify his stature. mentors. the woman who must suffer his hoax most acutely. and surely to his lover. Subconsciously. I will do the honors for him. I disagree. Zen-inflicted tenderness. His commitment is admirable. That much is apparent to even his most casual acquaintances. although some would say that Ken’s inspiration has already peaked. One can only imagine their bedtime rituals: the wellresearched hygiene. and yet cannot get him to fully admit to his audacious scheme. whether I am forgiven or not. Ken has sacrificed everything—full enlightenment. although some would say that Ken doesn’t have any real friends. Ken is my friend. even the pleasantries of unguarded conversation—all for the sake of his con. however. Ken Wilber is a fraud. and students. only supporters.I do not say this lightly. sycophants. and cheeky insouciance of a man living a scam so completely that even his eroticism is felt as a bluff by this woman who adores him. His ploy goes virtually unnoticed in the conscious view of his comrades. guileless intimacy.

that is certain. To whom would you consider yourself thinking. why would you ever think again? I’m not talking about thinking in order to build a space station. having thought the truths that have been thunk by Ken. improve the integrity of world politics.I love Ken. meditating for decades. and investigating most every philosopher and teaching in print. and thus knowing that if you can think it. or balance your checkbook. but how would you feel if you were he? Imagine you had plunged into the depths of the Kosmos and deeply realized nothing new? Imagine your greatest discovery. but that it would cost everything and change nothing? Having thought virtually every thought ever thought worth thinking. athlete. He is a fraud. on the web. motivated by the search for the deepest truth. and golden boy. both “you” and “it” are less than the deepest truth pointed to by the thoughts you had already thunk or ever can think? Imagine you were class president in high school. I will therefore do my best to defend his virtue. valedictorian. In the midst of your benevolent rise Waiting to Love Page 42 . Your first philosophical treatise written in your early twenties garners the attention of the spiritually-prone intellectual vanguard. I’m talking about philosophical thinking. after reading thousands of books. and in person—what if your greatest discovery was that you were a fraud who had the choice not to be.

assessing. Ken’s work is art. Ask him. you trust nobody with whom to rejoice in the beauty of your scam. I can assure you. your beloved wife passes philosophical grandeur. but drinking. your heart knows thought’s limits. and you enthrall the masses as they clamor for an Answer—and all the while. Your life’s work is given the superlative kudos it deserves by a few adequately-minded allies who possess the woeful eyes of vanquished truth-seekers. and vision-logic—however grand that Kosmic vision may be—it is Ken. If anybody knows the limits of maps. . You spring back to life with a vengeance. I feel the divine tickle that reaches through all true art and touches the place where God need not be discovered. To me. You spend years not writing. insights. When I read his work. and heart-inquiring. Ken Wilber does not believe his own truly awesome work is the Answer. As never before. slowly. and I’m sure he’ll tell you that his work is just another conceptual tool that stands on the shoulders of giants and will be likewise overstepped by history’s stride. creating a love-illuminated conceptual foundation for arguably the most important intellectual framework in recent history.

but after reading Ken. You can read Ken’s writings once. for he has made the collective need for intellectual spiritual inquiry obsolete—except as a way of practicing classical art. although lesser endeavors may continue in their elaboration. instructive. without intention and by its own perfection. Ken’s work stands as classic art. as long as they can read well enough. after getting Ken.” art that signs the end of a genre’s most fertile days. Thinking about the Kosmos in order to realize divine truth is now as antiquated—and as enjoyable—as playing Bach on piano.Ken’s writing belongs to that special order of art known as “classic. classic silent movies. insightful. eventually mutating into a new genre. Examine what are considered to be the truly classic novels. makes its genre obsolete. twice. and its sublime exercise that reveals a domain of truth including but far outreaching thought. even many times for the pleasure of God’s touch through Ken’s mind. classic baroque musical pieces: each. what is there concerning the philosophical search for the deepest truth to dutifully think about? Only the divine “ah” of philosophical Art remains. and pleasurable even for philosophical morons. Waiting to Love Page 44 .

His unholy and selfcertain cyborg-mates-with-Mona-Lisa smile is. catering especially to those whose minds could fit easily into Ken’s left earlobe? . he seems to be smugly Pleiadian. I assure you. profundity itself stands obvious without the need for indication. as in Ken’s case. So why does he continue? Having crowned the genre of spiritual philosophy by making the collective effort toward theorizing-your-way-to-God starkly obsolete.Ken has thought for everyone who has ever tried to think their way to God. let alone duping others into believing in philosophical cures for the deep itch of truth longed for. and therein lies his fraudulence. If you look at a picture of his face. and he has thought them as far as thinking will take them. every idea is followed by more profound ideas. part of his scam. That look on Ken’s face is the look of a snake oil salesman long past his days of even being interested in making money. “Ken Wilber” has made himself obsolete. which is often featured hugely on the cover of his books. until at last. why does Ken continue building his Integral Institute to assist others in doing just that? Why does he continue to write book after book. Eventually.

still thinking that thinking goes somewhere deeper than the well-known-to-Ken tracks and the philosophical scenery adjoining the road of cogitation. Since then. he is postponing the inevitable parking-of-the-car for the sake of others. But Ken-as-intellectual-guide-and-lover-of-the-thought-trip is long gone. and see the same sights. My guess is that this karma was exhausted with his monumental tome. That is. Ask anyone who lives with him. That is. Waiting to Love Page 46 .” reinforcing for others the sense of himself as an intellectual guide. he’s been selling snake oil with that indeterminately human visage on the cover of every bottle. so that others can take the ride he’s taken so many times already. still well-greased and revving faster than just about anything else out there. he is a fraud due to compassion. Others would say that Ken is still stuck in his trip. Sly Ken often refers to himself as a “pundit” rather than a “teacher” or “guru.Some would say his reason is compassion for others. wheeling about ad nauseam. cranking his aging mind like a hopped-up ’67 Mustang. Ecology. That passion has been drained from his deepest heart. Spirituality. They would say that Ken is a Bodhisattva. Sex.

Don’t get me wrong—like all maturity-appropriate toys. and it has. along with the intellectual search for divine truth. let your mind imbibe the fullness of spirit that flows through Ken’s utterly graceful mind. a vestige fueled by real goodness and the fumes of . It temporarily absorbs your suffering. The birth of Ken’s mind had this one purpose. been fulfilled. The philosophical search for the deepest truth has been exercised to the asymptotic edge of pure Art (although infinite details can always be worked out by the parade of philosophical craftsman sure to follow). for the most part. a con. This effect will last for precisely as long as you no longer think that theories of anything (and especially theories of everything) will get you to the deepest truth. Ken’s mind has thus made itself obsolete. The Ken we now see still driving his intellect at full speed is a fraud. for real. The artifacts of Ken’s mind are now and forever on display as pristine classics. the peak and end of a genre’s heyday. If you believe in it. The work of Ken Wilber as we know and love it is basically over. for those who have replicated Ken’s thought. Follow the directions diligently in any of Ken’s works. snake oil is as real as it seems. in the wheeling of their own heart’s mind. you are alleviated. and you will be released of the disease that you thought thinking would cure.

of destiny—but his goodness continues to invest Waiting to Love Page 48 . only at the expense of the deepest hearts who love him. for those closest to Ken most suffer his true greatness as it is held behind his genuine goodness. Ken is churning out craft that the hoards still find artful. remains hidden. certainly. and those who commune with his now-heart know it. Ken has been faking it for a while now. But look in Ken’s eyes. But the heart of Ken’s mind was rested long ago. of mind. To show his now-heart without time’s cyborg face would require an act of courage and renunciation so immense. Many others are benefiting. Even ask his dog. as well as his own. They would love him all the more. This is my best shot: Ken’s love is ruthlessly empty now—of family. no doubt. Ask Ken’s most dear lover. which most can’t. He fakes it better than most people can really do it with their most supreme effort. This is only my opinion. that I can barely imagine it. of course. let alone imagine the effect it would have on his family and closest friends. But where he is most alive now. And craft just doesn’t cut it—unless you can’t tell the difference.non-necessity. And so Ken can continue his sham. but Ken’s art has now become mere craft.

As a man. As great art. If he continues. He is burdened by what he knows is good for most. however subtly. Ken tries hard not to show what he really knows. by a fraudulence that others will read as arrogance.each with care and kindness. However. Ken’s deepest heart-motive has come to rest in ways that others still need to move. I wish he’d live and love without a trace of amiable inertia. even—for their own good. To remain an unequivocally good man. Ken holds back and abides by the etiquette most befitting a world of others. Ken’s writing is and always will be classic. Personally. a coolness assumed to be intellectuality and arrogance. and many would find him truly despicable. Ken’s life and work will remain tainted. Ken has seen through others. and his now-heart rests . That subtle hesitation to be real is felt by others as a tempered wall between Ken’s heart and theirs. or rather. to show the Unknowable regardless of consequence. the greatness of Ken’s now-heart is being sacrificed on the momentum of his goodness. Until he is willing to be at least as great as he is good. but then others might feel abandoned by the accommodation that Ken carries as his crucifix. Ken will die almost completely given. and so he moves with them — encouraging them.

Waiting to Love Page 50 . his fraudulently authentic loving is hinted with separation born of residual kindness. and so his communications can’t help but carry the faint fragrance of exasperation. He now fakes the benevolent morality of the good-sided man. It is Ken’s goodness—his genuine care for others—that now makes him seem less heartful than he truly is. straight from his now-heart. his mental precision. In addition. no unequivocal good and beyond the need for other-concern or for goodness. for making the philosophical search for the divine as beautiful—and archaic—as Bach. once pure of motive. however ruthlessly his One love may create and destroy. Ken’s now-heart makes no others. is now tinged with obsolescence. We owe Ken that. which some people also sniff. Thus. Ken Wilber is a fraud. perhaps for fear of the ruthless loving his undivided greatness might bring to bear. I say that we accept only the real deal. resting empty and full as only One. demanding Ken’s up-to-date and unfully-given gifts.

um. do we? so you see. love. for a bit longer. if the funding unfolds as my good self suspects. Ken was the only one who OK’d the publication of the essay concerning him. without hesitation. it is. a postmodern model that criticizes postmodernism. I wrote a number of essays that included the names of well-known authors and teachers. incidentally. fraudulent events have come to pass. so perhaps death will be cheated yet a bit longer. hell. then i will allow my greatness to stomp on my goodness. he did his best to teach me about skillful means and the . what about my fucking humanity?! the only sad part in all this is that my goodness is needed for integral institute. ken Originally. which only slowly kills my body. i'm writing boomeritis as a novel. so i have trapped myself in goodness. he responded by email: well. from whom I requested a go-ahead. i must reign in the rule of the ever-brightness of my great self until certain pathetic. amazingly great. of course. too. nor even wise. and i might punch you in the face.After writing and sending this essay to Ken. now we don't want that quite yet. i love it! but. In subsequent dialog. which is precisely where any ruthless greatness is not allowed.

and I continue to be inspired by Ken’s courage and unflappably loving humor. Waiting to Love Page 52 . Thank you. Ken.wisdom of balancing goodness and greatness. I obviously still have a lot to learn.

spiritual practice is for the sake of alleviating the suffering of others without causing harm —then your very holding perpetuates the appearing world along with its suffering. so that now. generations later. I Am an Arrogant Liar It is a luxury to be understood. Your ancestors probably murdered the native peoples of your country. you can’t breathe without killing millions of microorganisms. if you are holding on to any perspective at all—such as. The fuller your perspective. the less ground you have to stand on. In this waking world. you could inherit the leisure time to think about helping the few remaining indigenous people on the earth. even while you meditate on loving-kindness. leaving others maimed and crippled. without the necessity of any perspective to motivate your actions.5. Every step in the forest. however careful. whose atmosphere you toxify while you drive your car to do volunteer work. . until love is allowed to spontaneously live you open as an offering. —Ralph Waldo Emerson Fundamentally. snuffs out the lives of many small living beings and their families.

tend to err toward one side or the other. because we are afraid of dying or experiencing pain. So. Then. including myself. openness—what guides our lives? How much time do you want to spend in selfor world-improvement. cognizant. Or.All perspectives—including this one—cannot show the whole picture. or we are too lazy to act upon. and how much time do you want to spend in mutual recognition that nothing solid exists to be improved? Is there a middle way that allows both the recognition of openness (with no necessity to change. we tend to remember the present openness that always is. We cling to the sense of relaxed openness itself. We tend to forget the openness that always is. anything) and the art of living wisely and well? Most people. how do we live? Having glimpsed the always-nature of this present moment—unconfined. Furthermore. every perspective—including this one—is a lie. and we become tense. as tension itself. and then neglect our effect on the appearing world of others by insulating ourselves from their heart’s suffering. because we are afraid to vulnerably feel. we try to change the appearing world and our appearing selves. loving. Waiting to Love Page 54 . and we want to soothe our mortal cringe with the balm of hope for love and goodness. what we do feel when we relax fully open. or even notice.

imagine taking a photograph from every possible perspective in the room — gathering photos from a virtually infinite number of viewpoints—and stacking these billions and billions of photos so you saw all possible perspectives of the room superimposed at once.A maturing spirituality involves the spontaneous realization that you are already open to. The result would be either . And like all perspectives—including mine—no perspective is the whole picture. The picture of what a well-lived life is supposed to look like varies according to your point of view. sex and battles—all of life can be a felt-expression of openness and love. kindness. But these are just a few perspectives. suppose that you were to take a photograph from where you are sitting or standing right now. including all apparent others. and compassion for others. even by clinging to the feeling of openness itself. kindness and abuse. Another opinion is that “others” is an illusion. through practicing and cultivating depth. what is. or you can deny openness in the act of fearful separation. As an analogy. internally and externally. One currently popular opinion is that spiritual growth. leads to a good life. Now. You would capture one perspective of the room you are in. and that true spiritual recognition obviates the need for any gradual practice or developmental improvement over time. at the expense of feeling the hearts of others. Health and disease. and open as.

Being both—full and empty—it is neither. To see or express any thing—through photography. or perhaps unbroken silence. Whether you call the resulting image totally full or totally empty—or both. The only way not to lie is to include infinity by allowing full presence to be expressed through undivided brightness. Waiting to Love Page 56 . It is not complete. as if empty. but in any case. with no difference. Yet the result of such inclusion is that all differences disappear. so it is totally full. To include all perspectives is to see one. Included along with every possible perspective. or undifferentiated feelingoneness. words. the result would be an image of undifferentiated oneness. or perfect stillness. like the superimposed photographs from every angle in the room. or any other means—you assume a limited perspective. And it could be negated by another perspective that saw the same thing from a different angle.all black or all white. It is simply the only way to express unlimited truth. and to that extent what you describe is a lie. your particular perspective of this moment is just a peculiar limitation of the empty oneness full of all potential viewpoints. with no difference. or neither—you’d be right. It is both. depending on whether the billions of superimposed images were photographic negatives or positives. The image of undifferentiated oneness includes all perspectives. so there are no seeable things at all. But this doesn’t say anything.

didn’t talk therapy to help balance the psychological dispositions of the moneychangers. We can be artfully bland—some of the greatest sages hardly moved or said a word. An Indian who introduced Buddhism to Tibet. or to lie. Great spiritual art is a great lie that reminds us of truth.Therefore. The Hindu deity Krishna—when he wasn’t trysting with maidens—encouraged his disciple Arjuna to continue fighting on the battlefield. Padmasambhava. would get drunk with his best friend. while remembering the Lord. And the Old Testament God allegedly turned people into salt. painting. in a way that evokes the unspeakable truth. Kali. Jesus. . the Persian mystic. But blandness as a spiritual ideal. Silence and absolute non-difference may be the only way to fully demonstrate truth. but if we are going to offer a perspective at all. battled all sorts of demons in the subtle realm and embraced all sorts of sexual consorts in the physical world. I believe. destroying his brain cells thereby as he spoke spontaneous poetry. or music—presents a limited perspective. to say anything is to limit the truth to a particular perspective. Rumi. is depicted chopping off men’s heads. in my opinion. The Jew from Nazareth. All art—such as photography. a female deity. killing friends and relatives who might be enemies.” suppresses art. The blandness of today’s spiritual idealism lacks artfulness. to tell an incomplete truth. we might as well do so artfully. or the wished-for harmlessness of so-called psycho-emotional “balance.

as is yours. except from one perspective of what has shown itself to be the current historical norm? What would your dream-self consider a healthy psychoemotional response in a world of monsters chasing you through a dream-forest of blue trees while your heart is pounding and you suddenly start to fly as your foot is ripped off in the teeth of your mother? Every appearing self and its co-arising world entails a brief and illusory sense of how one should live for the benefit of others—what is appropriately healthy art. too. nor have I upturned tables like Jesus. occasionally. although not with the eloquence of Rumi. The perspective I present is always limited. and morals for that self and world. your sense of what life is and how you should live it becomes more of a heartfelt spontaneity rather than a ponderous investigation—although such pondering happens spontaneously. I’d prefer that our lives together be artful. I have never killed anyone with a sword like Arjuna. I have.Not all purveyors of spirituality—living or mythic—are harmlessly bland or balanced or “integrated” in psychotherapeutic terms. science. As your sense of self becomes more obviously a currently-appearing/disappearing wisp of alight openness. And why should they be. rather than bereft of love’s reminder and truth’s evocation due to the suppressive popularization of idealized Waiting to Love Page 58 . I have never cut off anyone’s head like Kali. As my current waking self. spoken drunken poetry. rather than a solid identity separate from others.

open and alive. every moment. and places where starving people are covered by flies. Every moment is a living openness. whether beautiful or ugly. It is a oneness that ripples as the appearance of all—including psycho-emotional balance and disease. is alive as an expression of the openness that includes all. and it is utterly empty of things. In other ways. as if nothing has happened. a mysterious display of the one appearing as many while never being other than the one. Feel as deeply as you can right now—whether you are cheerful or angry.spiritual balance and niceness. This openness includes all possibilities. . war zones. just like the photo comprised of every perspective of the room. Nevertheless. You can act to temporarily sustain more gorgeous moments. it’s not a pretty picture. spiritual realization doesn’t make things nice. This openness is infinity. in this or any other world. Let’s look at our waking-world. your lover’s smile—this world is beautiful. But in any case. In some ways—the scent of a rose. some prettier than others. if you stay out of hospitals. bored or depressed—and only openness avails. as if the undivided openness of the all-inclusive photograph came alive as each of its perspectives. and if the inevitable death of you and your beloveds doesn’t ruin your capacity to gloat in niceness for now. benefit and harm —and always remains as is. as we know it.

sick. we are always this openness. including the appearance of your buffed or sagging body and your chaotic or calm mind (while waking or dreaming. criticized. separate place of safety. As you begin to fall asleep. Do your best to feel this light even as you fall into the darkness you call sleep. or even while dreaming that you are dreaming). Even when you feel hurt. this openness seems empty and dark. where this luminosity becomes the lucidity of consciousness without an object. When dreaming images alight. While dead asleep. When you forget and become tense. relax as openness Waiting to Love Page 60 . feel their illumination as the same light that fills your waking day. Fully feel the suffering your perspective includes right now. or ignored. At depth. pure open knowingness without lit form. even when you feel others dying. this openness seems full of lighted happenings. spontaneous expression. relax open again. practice feeling your heart as if it were glowing. or maimed. Feel as this vivid spaciousness. alive as love ripped open by others’ suffering. the same glow you slept into pure open knowingness. and trust being lived as love’s vulnerable.While dreaming or awake. without closing into a nice. Feel this openness—relax as this openness—while darkness shines or life’s pictures shimmer.

is but a unique expression of this one openness of free being —unless we close down or resist some aspect of our experience. embraced as a lover. and fully forgotten. your own depression. laughing in joy. We restrain our spontaneous deep-heart offering. breathe fully. Soften your belly. surrender to the love that wants to live through you. generosity. Feel all and relax open as if you were making love with the beautiful sky. Without retracting from bliss or anguish. we enact separation. Then. our actions . As long as we deeply surrender to be lived spontaneously by the force of love alive as all. and our uniquely limited expression becomes limiting. every utterance of eloquence or stuttering. or your lover’s spite. then every single experience of harm or benefit. as if offering your permeable flesh to love’s light and ache. in our refusal to feel. and opposition. chewing one another. While calmly harmless or passionately aggressive. or while necessarily eating various beings so we can have the energy to serve other beings. your ugly neighbor. You may notice that you become tense again. feel all the appearing bodies and minds churning in lust. and relax open to be lived as love’s deepest offering right where you are. our particular actions becomes less artful as we contract love’s boundless potential. Breathe whatever you feel in and out of your entire body. as every dreaming and waking drama is fully felt.right now and fully feel. and always dissolving.

The Tibetan monk and leader His Holiness the Dalai Lama had to flee his native country in the late 1950’s as fellow monks were being attacked.can be specific. Openness can be expressed as spontaneously full presence. transparent as the one alive as all. For instance. and still transmit or magnify more love in the appearing world than a peaceful. vulnerably feeling-breathing every heart’s suffering and joy. artful gifts of love-magnification without necessarily limiting love in fearful separation. and thus limited. A healthy. and they are allegedly being killed and tortured. She may seem to be a tumultuous. or balanced life is just one way that love appears and shimmers in form. even today. while fully gifting all from her heart’s depth. Her appearing character is limited. not limiting her love’s offering. cigarette smoking. imagine a woman who is surrendered open. Spiritually realized people—those who are most alive as love’s openness in spite of the picture or perspective that may appear—don’t necessarily have pretty lives in the waking and dreaming display. monogamous yoga teacher who is acting in a love-limiting fashion. Waiting to Love Page 62 . vegetarian. lecherous bed-wetter. as apparent selves feast upon and heal others and the world. In our waking-display history. and it is certainly not the only way. the Nazarene Jesus was crucified a few thousand years ago. The renowned Indian sage Ramana Maharshi died slowly of painful cancer this last century. integrated. through any of its limited forms or perspectives. Knowing openness. and love can be known and offered without doubt.

doesn’t guarantee a pretty or harm-free picture. others. at times. is chronologically rotting. It doesn’t matter how unbalanced. afraid of pain. and always open without a trace. responding to and forgetting everything. to predominate the appearing picture that includes the stream of my life. I fly. All perspectives. but I have relaxed enough so that the openness that always is has a chance.or being love. and the world can be felt arising as the currently visible—and thus limited—aspect of the openness of love’s appearance. This conscious luminosity is the empty feeling-substance of love’s openness whether I am flying in a dream or being an arrogant pedant with my friends while awake. The substance of any of life’s pictures is love’s light. I am not a spiritually enlightened person. childishly regressive with those who seem better than I. and held back from those who seem worse. alive and knowing. Any specific perspective or picture of myself. My physical body. all worlds. in spite of my well-informed diet and exercise regimes. or fantastic I or the world may appear. let alone a balanced personality or body. in midlife of the waking state. Sometimes. disgusted by much of life’s realities. feeling and showing. My emotions stream in accordance with acquired habits of virtue and vanity: I tend to be priggish. while dreaming. not nice. or die. all limitations of personality and . or even a human picture.

and we start philosophizing about the nature of the very picture that is spontaneously appearing. earning a living. you are erotically turned on or frozen in fear. If your lover spanks you during sex. including those books. We see an attractive person give you a warm smile. eating. and so forth. We read a few books. forgetting every moment wide open.bodily expressions. we can prioritize the current picture. on whether you were. sexually abused as a child. depending. Waiting to Love Page 64 . Or. and we respond with nausea. Most of our attention while awake is locked into our relationships. We see a kitten mangled in collision with a car. everything is the feeling openness of conscious luminosity. and we respond with interest or desire. raising a family. we can be alive as one that includes all. offering love in each picture’s perspective as we feel and act spontaneously from our deepest heart. If we prioritize the current picture. perhaps. Or. ours is a human domain. trying to help the world become a better place. When our attention is locked into the picture. We can prioritize the always openness. or were not. then we respond as if what we are seeing is solid and real. All pictures are a limited view of openness. creating art. yours probably pretty much coincides with mine.

Your actions are intermeshed in a cause-and-effect webwork with all past and future actions at many different levels of selfing. Feeding the world’s starving. the forever summers of your youth and the quick decades of your elder years—the sense of history or “duration” itself arises along with everything else appearing now. political coups. Who are you today. and religious beliefs—are contributing to the momentum of the appearing . and what have you done with your life? A remembered history coarises with the your currently appearing self. and your sheer humanness accounts for most of your responses and even for your sense of time. awake or while dreaming. waking time (where did the last five minutes go?). Existence is unfathomably complex—which is why almost all attempts at massive change-for-the-better become entangled in complications and fail to a significant degree. Time itself arises with each picture: dream time (seconds can contain years of events).The way a grasshopper might respond to a passionate spanking is surely different from the way a human victim of childhood abuse might respond. human accident. and usually human while appearing in dreams. Your bodymind is human while awake. which is probably different from the way a never-traumatized and adoring lover in a playful and trusting intimate relationship might respond. negotiating peace in the Middle East—millennia of actions including environmental alterations.

and the world. heart disease. such is the currently appearing picture of self. others. Just because you may relax and abide more fully as openness—the always and already one. potent silence. Judaism. wearers of silk robes and filthy There have been enlightened huggers and warriors. passionate song and dance in gatherings of thousands. substance addiction. spiritually mature people are more likely to be spontaneously alive as the Waiting to Love Page 66 . or poverty. cancer. Rather than closing to full feeling or retracting from the threat of nothingness. a preference for solitude. pomposity. wealth. regardless of the picture that i s appearing—it doesn’t mean you will become a grasshopper. alcoholism. there have been spiritually open people who have evidenced a wide range of qualities and tendencies: leukemia. or suddenly act like you weren’t abused as a child or didn’t inherit a genetic or environmental predisposition to Christianity. torture. Without quibbling about who is most enlightened. each moment of self and action is gone in an instant. the totally full and totally empty “I am” of beingness. food scarcity. simplicity. a destiny including fame. or spiritual opening. As fresh as an unexpected kiss and gone to open on arrival. every instant. In any case. doesn’t change the picture much. or arrogance. poetic genius. Enlightenment.

celibate. although we remain alert. their loving is artfully played through whatever cards they have been dealt by nature’s unfathomable confluence of influence. We trust this fall into openness just like we trust our fall into the deep bliss of sleep. I certainly did.openness of love’s being. diseased. from Rumi to the Dalai Lama—has achieved this inner and outer balance or health for self and all. Just like them. acts. a fit body. Willing to feel and offer everything as love. allowing love’s light to shine open as the picture of our waking world. allowing attention to naturally relax into its source as unconfined. we can learn to speak. We can practice loosening our attention’s tense need to cling to the appearing picture. Yet. Relaxing open exactly as their form is displaying. although their style of offering love’s art varies hugely. and a healthy world. and lucid. The current fad includes an expectation that spiritual growth is toward a balanced personality. their individual lives may be limited but are not limiting. and presence—they have never ceased articulating love’s openness. and act within any waking or dreaming picture with less fear of death’s nothingness and more freedom as love’s fullness. Still— through their words. through their currently appearing configuration of form. . see. open knowingness. sensitive. whether bland. nobody I have heard about—from Jesus Christ to Ramana Maharshi. exciting. As people begin to become interested in spiritual growth. they tend to expect openness to look a particular way. sexual. or healthy.

as the enemy approaches to slaughter your family? Are you holding a baby. responding. sitting. breathing. dancing. in the form of your body and mind that is currently part of the picture? You aren’t appearing as a grasshopper. relaxing. relaxing our breath. we can easefully feel and enact every moment as openness. What are you appearing as? Man? Woman? Full of coffee or parasites or pain? Are you holding a gun. fully feeling. in every appearing world until it is forgotten in openness. dead or alive. If you didn’t fear death. Waiting to Love Page 68 . and forgetting wide open—how would you act right now.We feel outward from our heart as if drenching the walls and trees and stars with our love’s brightness. and trusting ever-deepening love to emerge from our heart as our life. though our childhood tendencies may continue to twist and color the love we offer as life’s art. in the peaceful comfort of your suburban home? How does your presently appearing form live open as the gift of uncompromised love? This is our discovery. we remember to give our love. speaking. if you didn’t doubt love—if you were unafraid to breathe everyone’s heart-suffering and offer your love without holding back in this moment’s picture. and acting as the openness who we always are and always have been. Again and again. By softening our body.

as I am often told. I enjoy the company of characters who recognize the often heart-wrenching drama of life as the heart-born projection of love. breathing open to be moved by love’s deepest force. very different. Whether we are vibrantly healthy. in this current picture. Or. or chatting about the dirt on our shoes.Personally. psychologically balanced. I can be arrogantly presenting while trusting to feel open. freely alive as love’s spontaneous offering—and anyone who is also open will recognize our . although our bodyminds may appear very. As for myself. we both know that we are lived by the same love. in which case I will feel stuck as a solid “me” trapped in a world of others who feel separate—and those others will feel my arrogance as separative. or droolingly alcoholic. My currently appearing self can be whorling in an arrogant fashion and lost in the particular picture of the moment. we can help each other to relax. Together. even while expressing a limited (but not limiting) self-in-a-picture. perhaps angrily shouting. However. For instance. I may appear arrogant. we can both smile in mutual recognition of our one identity. silently shining. when I look into the eyes of someone who is surrendered open as the love that is alive as conscious light. I do not appear as a grasshopper or even a nice guy.

but humor isn’t lost. In mutual recognition of our one openness of being.identity as spontaneous luminosity. whether or not the particular picture suits our tastes. whether or not the picture changes much. We can receive the display of my arrogance—or humility—as a particular love-formed image appearing in this moment’s openness of being. We offer our gifts through the unique twists of our human forms in the current picture. we may still act to change the picture. Alive as openness. We are openness—and every possible appearance. We see openness in each other’s eyes. peace to war. dreaming or waking or dying. health to sickness. one openness loving through the show of two people. enacted and seen from a necessarily limited point of view that is influenced by historical events. yet always an expression of love’s unlimited art. with no tense need to idealize harmlessness or balance at the expense of love’s most deep and spontaneous expression—although we certainly may prefer calmness to chaos. Only in mutual vulnerability and free surrender can we be moved by the nuances of love’s spontaneous currents showing as the appearing world. our actions and words are given and received as spontaneous offerings of love. Reminding each other Waiting to Love Page 70 . We feel our oneness heart to heart. and love isn’t forgotten.

our actions are aligned by and imbued with the uncontrived grace that lives and breathes us all. And so is your relax open as the deepest force of love. This is the art of life. .

these Waiting to Love Page 72 . Sacrifice Through Inhabitance You will not become a saint through other people’s sins. the enduring of life is already a brief feast of humor and bright love. and fermentations to ease their mindstreams to yes. Drug use for such a man is tinged with the guilt of inadequacy. to gain insight. But for some men. didn’t use drugs in a judiciously excessive fashion. But the great men I have known occasionally found the “no” of sobriety too protective and unnecessary to sustain without offering themselves to be inhabited by one substance or another. Companionship helps him tolerate the fact that his life falls short. Some women apparently don’t need to make use of plant extracts. His reflection enlarges but flattens in distortion. —Anton Chekhov I never met a man I respected who.6. at one time or another. His mind dulls. A mediocre man uses drugs as he uses all friendships: to escape. or to see himself worthy. When a mediocre man uses drugs. Untwisted by dilemma and unburdened by a life of almost. His humor dribbles. he becomes more mediocre. resins.

artist. One is given over and even ruined in the process. or lover has no option. a smoke. but a great mother. and making art have shortened and sweetened many lives. The body is lived by love. rather than constituting a special act that distorts life. then you should embrace a life of sobriety. the opportunity for sacrifice through inhabitance. for instance. Most drugs are toxic and shorten one’s life. if there is a question at all. For these men. the nature that courses through their blood and body is enabling a continuity that is life. then purity and wholesomeness are the appropriate guides for your actions. inhabited by . or a swallow. parenting. In fact. only then does the motive of self-preservation give way to sacrificial companionship. but its liberation of love. The measure of any act is not its length. any more than one might seek the relief of food or children. to men also. Only when each question has been lived so thoroughly that every action is love’s answer. if you have real questions—“Should I. or should I not?”—about eating or don’t seek the relief of drugs. Drugs offer. Falling in love. Motherhood may be the epitome of offering one’s body to be grown in and eaten. The question is not whether you feel more loving after a swig. But for whose benefit is one living? Living for the sake of love is a dangerous plunge. Likewise.

for the body is plied and the toll taken by their demand. unless your offering of “yes” leaves nothing ungiven. “No. over time. Youth is often a prerequisite for inhabitance by drugs or children. To be inhabited by drugs or children or breath or food is simply a degradation of the body over time. Abstinence and craven indulgence are usually acts of refusal. purity and the desire to be distorted are two ways of the heart saying. Who protects their self from this inhabitance? Who won’t allow spirit to enter and oc cupy their body for the sake of love? Most are afraid to be eaten. what remains of the flesh is so tenderized that no question can take hold. If one’s youth is fully given to love. but simply damaged. Sad is the man who has held himself apart from being feasted upon. the body is no longer sacrificed to love by being torn. replaced by its robustness of surrender.” Better to be corrupted by love—violently so—and used up in the birth shudders of sacrifice. The body’s vitality of purpose is. and thus ruined by love. To wane thusly is to know love without residue or doubt. Waiting to Love Page 74 . and so are merely distorted by inhabitance.quantities of nature for the sake of love. By middle age. The accounting of one’s demise is measured in units of love’s occupancy.

—Charles Baudelaire I was standing in an airport. In any case.” If you took a dense mind. although my mind. the image came and went. I had an impulse to give him a wedgie. Wedgie. continued to consider this teacher. I believe he is one of the least penetrating spiritual teachers and most endearing awakened beings I have come across. Hopefully. Wedgie What is exhilarating in bad taste is the aristocratic pleasure of giving offense. The Glorious Mr. Immediately. Or. exhilarated by its own condescending proclivities. grabbing the back of the teacher’s underwear. he would have smiled. and a need to find the perfect parent.7. . perhaps his followers would have beaten me. Wedgie. when I saw a well-known spiritual teacher surrounded by his shaven-headed devotees. making my way through the students. you’d have something like Mr. the glorious “Mr. and awakened it to the nature of reality. and heaving mightily upward. a Jewish body. I couldn’t help but imagine running up to the group. held it all together with mustache and naiveté.

creating a lollipop-tree vision of the flowering of spiritual life. The outlines visibly hold the bold colors from the imperfections of subtlety. And those who are not. To finally know the truth of existence is to trivialize its implications. You can use it. shallowness of mind is not a bad thing. Just as one end of a balloon bulges when the other end is squeezed small. However. Wedgie’s teachings so useful. On the contrary.In this case. good and bad are clearly separated. Wedgie’s deficiency has led to a kind of glory. its expression is graspable. As in a child’s paintings. What he lacks in depth or insight. elegance and simplicity have swollen as Wedgie’s splendor. As love’s articulation begins to encompass the actual human condition. but an idiot’s truth is more so. Mr. and this reduction is what makes Mr. all rules become irregularities. become progressively more useless as their complexity of apprehension matures to coincide with the unknowable mystery of existence. applying your life to a set of laws. His enthusiastic simplicity is contagious. You can list and repeat the essential points. he makes up for by being continually amazed by the plain truth. He offers the real truth in the fashion of primitive art. His vision is classic and universally Waiting to Love Page 76 . like Helen Keller or Stephen Hawking. like blues and greens. Truth is inherently banal. when love squeezes through an idiot. Most people are idiots.

Daddy terrorizes and inspires. whereas others enjoy a more variegated scene by which to awaken as they are. Wedgie’s lollipop-truth serves to awaken some. an idiot’s truth isn’t more or less real than the most sophisticatedly accurate representation. Up close and in the fray of love. often mixed in hues of indeterminate shading. Mommy bends you as she adores you. How you like infinity disclosed is a matter of taste. Wedgie. And so it is with Mr. All paintings are equally just paint. good and evil as well as benefit and harm lose their definitive portrayal. The juvenile-arrested simpleton finds spiritual perfection expressed as goodness and lack of damage. The mystery that is shows itself to itself through every hole of being that notices anything.recognizable—never mind that no actual tree has ever been seen that looks remotely like a lollipop. in all its idealistic simplicity. is a sign of truth’s perfection. often modeled on the harmless parent they never had. Who is it that longs for beauty as absolute no-harm? The one for whom a lollipop tree. But love plays as time in contrasting colors of destruction and creation. really. Mr. .

I claim their form and take their shape and nothing happens that isn’t love already. her joyous breasts. so she would be more than mine. life’s rhythm pinches and spreads. Therein. yet is never truly misshapen. She is not the same woman whom I was with years ago. —Cesar Pavese I love feeling the curves of her soft body as she sleeps pressing next to me. The heart knows love but cannot choose. The heart—an organ whose true boundaries do not exist—feels wrenched and squeezed by life. The women I have ever loved now inhabit my heart. and everything is a luxury. I want to squeeze her whole body into me.8. starting with being in the world. making me alive. Torn To Love Every luxury must be paid for. but I love her. The woman with whom I thereafter joined is now who I call mine. her smell cascading through my veins. Her neck and shoulders flow round to reveal love’s fullness made flesh. The woman I called mine for almost 20 years is no longer with me. I lose everything Waiting to Love Page 78 .

although memory’s textures often disguise love’s nakedness. making no real difference to love. I want to take her. I trail my fingers down her side as she is lying still. As the offering is made. convey an impersonal smile of knowing. decade by decade. tearing open without beginning or end. Or. choices flash and dim in explosions of hurt and joy. as I do. And so our spoken promises. Love’s openness is never wrinkled by urgency or pain or soft curves. and I want someone else. The only love to give is the love whose offering is unchosen. Nothing lasts but love. She knows this. but I want to claim or leave her as my woman. and nothing happens that isn’t a vaporous memory of light. . bodies have their time. Love is always showing open. I doubt her. breathing. What the heart always knows is never forgotten or commenced by relationship or its change. Clinging and hoping are futile gestures. trusting my touch in her sleep. The moment of touching the woman who I love can congeal as importance: I want to own her. Year by year. with another woman. though true. and I wail and struggle. I have felt the same before. I would do anything for her and forever— the women I love.

for fear of opening to know what they know. Love is undiminished by the tearing of two hearts come to live as one. Their hearts. knows this torn love. and little is more hurtful than remembering the heart Waiting to Love Page 80 . just as suddenly. for the tear is deeper. she is not. Love knows the agony of hearts ripped open. Each touch of my lover’s flesh can bind or brighten. protectively. untorn lovers attend to their artless routine of safety. Lovers who can still obtain solace in their homes of glue have yet to lose enough. not apart. every me and every you. Bodies and minds are in motion. their regular peaks and hollows. Tenacious occupation clings in valleys of untrust. untorn open by love’s light? Or will we loosen our hearts and offer a love not sticky with fear of change? Unfabricated love is the only offering whose commitment is absolute. no matter how we struggle and cry. to breathe wide open. She is mine to love and. Like a family holding hands and closing their eyes to what lies beyond. Our love continues deepening even as our bodies drift away. Will our hearts be clung together in patterns of made need. refuse to yield.Newness blooms and the tired drops away. choicelessly. knows the loss of a home created together. It need not be mended. Every body.

Love is the tearing of each lover as time ceases to make a difference to love. . nothing happens but love. Every attempt to hold what was known eventually yields. I embrace her. until the anguish carried by bodies in time is allowed rhythms that were. offering all.

Or. so we hold her. but they are not necessary. We have a choice: we can allow our feeling and attention to merely wander. We notice them. children. in which case our buttocks. Our buttocks itch. so we scratch. in the company of buttocks. We have a choice: we can attend to this or that. distractedly. we can attend to attention itself. A loss. Our lover licks our neck. feeling the open cognizance of feeling itself.9. Our Unnecessary Life Most of the evils of life arise from man’s being unable to sit still in a room. don’t we want to enjoy life? Waiting to Love Page 82 . and lover feel open already. as if transparent. and lovers. What’s the point of being alive if not to notice things and love and work and play? After all. —Blaise Pascal The human dilemmas of everyday life swirl at the beck of our attention. so we shiver. Our child cries. child. This may seem a grievous choice.

Our attention is now free to find out what happens when it does not move toward or away from any thing. a parent with children—for as long as this interests us. to relaxedly open as what is always the fullness of now (which may include children and lovers as shimmering visions)? There is no choice really. The cord of necessity is cut. our lover. Despairing that nothing seems to make us happy—not our money. untaken except by those for whom wealth and poverty. We will talk with our friends about politics or sex or recipes until something becomes more interesting. We are moved to attend to that which seems to proffer us comfort and pleasure. affection and loneliness. our religion—disillusioned. perhaps alleviating our pain and discomfort. our tidy house.Why would we ever choose to loosen our attention to feel the feeling of being itself. have become equally uninteresting and non-urgent. We will watch pornography as long as it interests us. our children. and alone. we are set free. There is another option. You and I will assume ourselves as an object amongst objects—a body with buttocks. . because we don’t want to choose the option of being poor. more urgent. We are moved to earn money and clean our house and raise our children. filthy. Our need to feel or attend to these things is loosened.

We are not noticing the natural essence of every moment. We may start to meditate. and we know it. we will starve.At first. over and over. Waiting to Love Page 84 . then we continue. and we attend to it. or pick up food from a restaurant or garbage bin. or simply become depressed and wallow in meaninglessness. Something is happening. and that is our life. this moment of freedom is not noticed. A thought floats by. Where is that pan? Oh. It passes. until we fall asleep or die. and we feel it. Two aspects are happening—a perceiver and a perceived—and they always happen together. our sense of self feels threatened by not attending to wherever our attention goes. Maybe I’ll just pick up some food on the way. If we don’t take care of our children. If it is not fine. at first we try additions to the usual pursuits of love and success. and once again our attention is moving toward and away from this and that. If this situation is fine with us. If we don’t cook. I’ll never finish cooking in time to get to the meeting tonight. Time to cook dinner. An emotion is occurring. As a seeming object in the swirl of events. they will die. or take drugs. So we do these things.

we admit that we are suffering our life. parents. directly. shining as its own light. . a story. vibrating as its own objects. without attending to anything in particular. Eventually. then the momentum of your attention no longer binds the knowingness aspect of openness. simply by allowing feeling to feel what feeling is.Feeling this happening a little deeper. except perhaps in deep sleep. Feeling is love. When this search for fulfillment—the soothing of feeling not deeply happy—becomes uninteresting. which is a tension or motion in the openness of being. and that. suffused with the capacity to know and feel. Feeling is openness. You can know what openness is. We are slaves to the momentum of our attention while dreaming or while awake. and we also teem with an internal bubbling of thoughts and feelings. who we are. that we are afraid of dying. We are surrounded by seeming objects and others. lovers. Feeling is the openness who you are. and we solidify ourselves as breadwinners. As people with a life. Feeling is freedom. are defined by our attention. inner and outer. because we habitually are slaves to the momentum of our attention. we are always attempting to relieve our sense of tension by soothing ourselves with temporary love or success. We and our world. But then that moment passes. we feel only one openness. nothing inside or outside of this. a destiny.

you are assuming such action will make you happier.But the habit to forget openness and become bound to the stream of happenings —your own appearing body and mind and your relationships—is strong. Waiting to Love Page 86 .” you are not perfectly happy. instead of trying. I’ll try to feel into the openne ss again. So. By noticing this. If you try to feel into the openness of the moment. Wow. and perpetuating the habit of attention’s momentum. until it unmotivatedly rests open as it is: the unconfined capacity to know and love. the answer is “no. your attention’s habits become less interesting. Find out what you do when attention rests from its futile search for thoughts. or hold your child. moment by moment. and getting agitated. simply notice if you are perfectly happy attending to what you are attending to right now. For a while my thoughts stopped. but now I’m back to thinking that if only I do something things will be better. How do you earn money. when attention no longer is attempting to get somewhere other than now’s openness? This always-fresh discovery is your life. If you are honest. and you will find yourself naturally relaxing the tension of attention. but now I’m thinking again. emotions. for a minute there I was totally open. and relationships that seem to promise fulfillment.

I appear to kiss my lover. At some point. The picture just keeps changing. Love is alive. And then suddenly I notice that I have forgotten this openness. My lover appears. It makes no difference. and I am lost in the movie of my life. years sometimes pass in what seems like minutes to the waking self. or maybe I’m awake.As I kiss my lover. whether we are in a dreaming or waking display. Openness is already. In dreams. I want my lover to be different. . attention instantaneously relaxes. whether shining as a waking world or dreamscape. It doesn’t really matter what time-duration arises along with the rest of the picture that seems so real. Maybe I’m dreaming. my lover pulls away and speaks unkind words. the sensations explode and disappear. and the play with my lover continues. Even as my lover pulls away and criticizes me. Remembering and recognizing this present openness. openness is this moment’s nature. I want our relationship to give me the openness of love that I have forgotten. openness becomes the obvious feeling of now. I’m reacting to my lover as if our relationship can affect the openness I so desire to re-claim. attending to the picture becomes less interesting than the effulgent openness that always is. Nothing is gained or lost of this moment’s feeling-openness.

If you have built a business you continue working.cycling through successes and failures. until that falls away. However the characters appear. Longer moments effortlessly recognize as openness. and eventually attention naturally relaxes from the cycle. Perhaps yours is characteristically shy. Perhaps your bodystream is sexually monogamous and theirs is more polygamous. Perhaps yours is selfish and theirs is generous. or the ending of the dream in which the children happen to appear. Your waking and dreaming relationships may continue streaming. when it does. What has been set in motion continues. Waiting to Love Page 88 . the same story over and over. sleep. Nothing is necessary. unbound and unaffected by its own appearing light streaming as this and that. you are not bound by them. But your feeling-attention is not bound by the sense of necessity. feeling apparent others. You can still attend to anything you want. If you have given birth to children. your realization of this moment is openness. love and rejection. but the necessity to do so wears out. and theirs is brash in its expression. you continue parenting until death. and nothing is necessary to avoid. Now. without following or turning away from anything that attention also happens to notice. Your mindstream and theirs continue.

fear of love’s implications. Fear of loss and gain. so fully no attention is urged to move. you will not relax your efforts to change the picture. and allow it. and your currently apparent life story. awake or dreaming. Fear will characterize your every action. so nothing is unfelt. And especially. Feel all apparent others through and through.Until the obviousness of open being is the primary feeling of now. Fear of death and life. will continue with seeming necessity. Find out how love moves you. Relax open as now. .

as if nothing has ever happened. and forgotten. showing spontaneously as a display of light like the dream of a naked woman. The trees. and includes the individuals I would call “me” or “you” or “my lover. But now things seem different. “my body” and “the world” don’t seem as solid as they used to. and children are starving and being murdered around the world. The Ant and the Ruler If you can talk brilliantly enough about a problem. Space and time seem alive. clear of things. captivating. In between the everchanging things was space itself. —Stanley Kubrick I remember when the space around me seemed like a three-dimensional place.” This luminous apparition of a place is not exactly a joke—my body aches with disease. Waiting to Love Page 90 . Still. empty. and grass seemed to extend out from me in space. buildings. born. I tussle with my lover.10. it can create the consoling illusion that it has been mastered. although suffering hurts perhaps more deeply. This spacetime feels like an open shimmer of love.

but realizing how you make spacetime is as simple as doing it. further maturity doesn’t necessarily make for a total understanding of all the scientific details.Describing how this engaging vision of spacetime is born afresh each moment is like describing how a baby is made. and as natural as getting into bed with your lover. what details would you include and exclude in order to finish a description—the actual truth about how babies are made—within a reasonable amount of time? Since the causes are innumerable. quite naturally. your fundamentalist Christian grandmother—drastically shapes the area and depth of understanding in which the conversation can occur. atomic. . However. to whom you are describing the details—your four-year-old son. Understanding or describing the mechanics of making babies is a complex and inevitably incomplete task. So. we cannot in a finite period of time know or tell the whole detailed truth about making babies or anything. and unfathomable karmic causes as well as by sloshy biological ones. your cat. Likewise. Furthermore. Some of us just assume that spacetime is what we’ve come to see it as: a solid world out there in which we move along with others day after day. realizing how you make babies—once you are mature enough—comes pretty easy: you just do it. Babies are created by romantic.

Metaphors as ridiculous as storks carrying babies often need to be employed. come into being? Let’s start with some metaphoric images. we can sense how lovers alight with love are drawn together to perfectly know each other through gaze and touch and sex. or you couldn’t be reading this. and writing concertos. Waiting to Love Page 92 . Adults choose various physical and metaphysical myths and metaphors to help them understand the birth of spacetime. burping and farting. First of all. and light occurs in your dreams and meditative states. Light (or any energy. in order to avoid a look of complete lack of comprehension.earning a living. God gave birth to spacetime. whether of a dream or a waking place—feels a certain way. Or. And the light of any place—the light itself. Light occurs while you are awake. building businesses. to know themselves as a unity of one love. too. How does this miracle of birth. just as children assume all kinds of things about where babies come from. such as sound) is native to many places of being. We often say that a lover “lights up” at the sight of his or her beloved. bringing forth you and these words. not just the physical world. spacetime was born from a big bang billions of years ago. Spacetime is being made right now. Further. you are reading these words because there is light.

There are no boundaries that confine this moment. consciousness needs to assume its own radiance as “out there. a lover and a beloved. this selfreferencing—conscious light folding onto itself forgetting its oneness . and light—are already one. so it is like open space. A story needs at least two -ness. besides a timeline. or as many others. But most of us need a story (with a remembered past and an imagined future) to give our lives meaning. Forgetting that conscious light is not-two. if you want a story so your life seems to be going somewhere with someone. And it is all lit up. For a good love story. For a good adventure story. Love is the feeling of consciousness—the oneness. right now. cognizance. you also need at least two. simultaneously. Light is how consciousness lovingly shows itself to itself. in the biblical sense. Just look at your dreams. A knowing of words and meaning is happening. All light is the light of consciousness. or open space that can know and feel—as its own radiance. now. Therefore.In a similar way. or at this moment. These three aspects—space-like openness. and consciousness wants to know its thus-illuminated beloved perfectly as not-two. consciousness lights up as love. or conscious light. you need a hero and a world to conquer or discover. Love is the lighting up of the openness that is consciousness.” as an other.

Anything you perceive and everything you experience is. Sentences. then true…and so on. in a circuit of vibrating meaning. Appearance is created by self-referencing. Consider the self-referential and truth-denying statement. then false. Your TV works this way. If the sentence is false. just like when love recognizes itself through two human bodies suited for coupling as one. Self-reference—conscious light recognizing its oneness in the fold that seems as two— generates vibrations or oscillations. Computers are based on similar principles of various patterns of oscillating zeros and ones cycling around and around. and mathematical formulae can be devised to create very. “This sentence is false. Your brain works this way. as it claims. Electrical circuits—all of which fold onto themselves in self-reference—can easily be built to generate vibratory frequencies that appear as radio or television signals. then true. as it consciousness seems a pair with its beloved light—is the birth of spacetime. computer programs. If false.” This statement generates a sequence of oscillating meaning. at some level of Waiting to Love Page 94 . electrical flow flowing back onto itself. then it is false. But if it is true. cognizance knowing itself. And conscious light works this way. very complex oscillations. then it is true. love loving love.

you can begin by understanding the vibratory ins and outs of self-reference. “String theory” is a relatively new mathematics used to describe existence in terms of vibratory self-reference. an oscillating frequency or wave that can be generated by self-referential circuitry: biological.” Perhaps this will help you get a feeling for how spacetime arises due to consciousness negating its truth as one to love itself as an other.” This is the birth of difference and the longing for re-union or re-ligion or sex. or in consciousness. Just as we don’t need to know the details of biochemistry to make babies. such as the resultant oscillation of “This sentence is false. and then “yes” to reuniting as one— this is the root act giving rise to the sense of someone “in here” experiencing a world “out there. The nature of spacetime is a lot like sex: consciousness feeling apart from light. Then you can imagine yourself as an ant crawling on a ruler—but that comes later. you don’t need to know the details of string theory to make spacetime. electrical. If you want to begin developing conceptual metaphors to help your mind grasp the birthing of spacetime. a “me” that seems apart from an “other.description.” a separation that yearns for felt - . Conscious light says “no” to its oneness in order to make a difference between consciousness and the world of lit-up appearance. or mathematical “strings” and “knotings” that give rise to what we know as spacetime and matter.

” This is the story of your life and every human life. mistaking itself for something “in here” craving for (or afraid of) something “out there. your heart is feeling the true-false oscillation. Waiting to Love Page 96 . thus appearing as the oscillation-full domain we call spacetime. You can close your eyes (or leave them open) and train to feel whatever you can feel deep in your heart before there is a sense of other. Then (in the act of experiencing anything) the openness of consciousness. shaped in various forms and vibrating in different degrees of subtlety and undulatory density. and moods. Even the so-called vacuum of deep space is alive as love’s conscious light—and you are alive as that same conscious light.” Thus. which includes grandmothers. the perceivable domain of conscious light. With practice. you can even feel the subtle vibration of the first fold caused by conscious light doing selfreference. Like one love knowing itself through two bodies that can’t help but hump. then folding on itself again and again in ever-greater complexity. conscious light knowing itself as an “other” creates frequencies of oscillation. Conscious light knots itself—folds onto itself—and thus comes in contact with itself as a seeming other. and its light feel together as one. its cognizance. just as in computer circuitry or “This sentence is false. telephones. this one conscious light folding onto itself. Even the vibration we call “fear” is made of this loving.unity.” Consciousness denying its oneness literally creates spacetime. the yes-no yearning to know love’s oneness perfectly while also holding back. fearful in “difference” and “separation.

Radios permit consciousness to hear its own oscillations as music. and nuclear energy. or what they mean. Eventually. Of course. radio waves. We are immersed in radio waves now. there is nowhere to move. You see. Science is only beginning to embrace other principles inherent in the spontaneously arising self-referencing of conscious light that we experience as three-dimensional space.” in an appearance generated by conscious light knotting onto . such as gravity and inertia. but can’t agree as to why. This self-reference of conscious light creates what we call various kinds of energy—such as electricity. Scientists agree gravity and inertia exist. The display of movement is happening “right where you are. from rock and roll to classical. we won’t really be moving. we may soon be able to bilocate or “move through space” or “experience a three-dimensional location from across the world” with the same ease and virtual instantaneousness that we can now.In our waking world. “hear music from across the world”. technology has embraced certain principles inherent in the lovesubstance of conscious light knotting itself to touch and know itself. Through a similar transformation. any more than a stork carries a baby. engineers will discover ways to transform and make use of these selfreferentially produced energetic qualities of conscious light—just as radios transform vibratory waves we can’t perceive through our biological senses into waves we can hear as music. through the technology of radio. but we need a technological device—a radio—to convert them into a form we can experience.

Waiting to Love Page 98 . the ruler is an event in time. At more subtle levels than what humans call the usual world of spacetime. and thus self-reference is less urgent and the self-folding knots are looser. through meditative training. being in one place and seeing another place. including the now-you and the now-world. Less gravity and inertia means less time necessary for knowing more space: virtually timeless space-travel via technological advances. supposedly separated by space that requires time to traverse. perhaps. or knowing now what takes place at another time. The distance between perceiving the one-centimeter mark and the ten-centimeter mark might be thirty seconds. and the end of the event—the end of the ruler—seems unpredictable until the ant “gets there” in time. Or. and it can only do so a little bit at a time. there is less gravity and inertia. to the ant. So. and thusly generating spacetime. The ant’s limited capacity to perceive requires that it moves through space to “see” or experience the whole ruler. these domains are less full of conscious light denying its oneness. resulting in more isness and less fluctuations or density in time. the ruler unfolds bit by bit as an event taking time. This is where the ant and the ruler come in.itself. When an ant walks across a one-meter ruler.

To a normal human. you would have no way of knowing that every apparently separate surface that you suddenly bumped into through time was the one undivided surface of the string folded onto itself in a knot. beginning and end. or else it can seem more like an event changing through time. as an object all at once. maybe to end later on.” You see the whole meter. and thus your adventure would be entirely predictable from that perspective. although the knot is already self-folded as an object. Your adventure would require time to unfold. an object already “done” in space. Any appearance can be envisioned more all-at-once. or else it can be felt as a sequence of events in time. The evolution or maturation of perception or attention is largely the gathering of more and more time-like events to be noticed at once as space-like events. If you were stuck inside a knotted string. burrowing through one surface after another. in the future. object-like. . The ruler doesn’t take sixty seconds in time. whereas that meter unfolds as an event in time to an ant traversing its length. You can see its beginning and end simultaneously. The ruler does not need to unfold in time in order for you to know “where it goes” or “where it will end. no time required. the ruler is an object in space. You can envision a knot all at once as an object.

say—without necessitating much. This is obvious to many accomplished meditators. over and over through time. You seem to have to live it. false. just as a future human scientist with new technology might be able to experience an “event”—knowing the whole of the moon. Your lifetime is like that ruler. if any. just as we humans can—if it only knew that the ruler was something that could be seen at once. But it is possible to see the whole thing at once. bit by bit. moving toward the future. true. the ant could experience the beginning and end of the ruler “event” without moving through the amount of time it previously required. all at once. instead of seeing the whole sentence all at once. Your life appears to unfold in time. first true then false. through appropriate technology. and so on through time. You can imagine that an ant might be able to develop a technology so that it could see both ends of the ruler at once. Your life can appear as an object all-now. but could be instantaneously seen whole.If you were stuck inside the statement.” you would cycle through true. Then. as an object in space. An ant technologist would need to proceed from the assumption that the ruler didn’t necessarily extend in time. such as our human senses allow. or even to many neardeath victims who report seeing their “whole life” flash before them in an instant. knowing as an object what would otherwise be a cycling of meaning. Waiting to Love Page 100 . “This sentence is false. rather than as an event that transpires through time. false.” to get there. “time.

a certain domain describable.” an oscillating density and specific frequency of apparent space. then the seeming separation of “you” able to touch “others” appears. and individuals moving through time. This knotting.Many people—probably even you—have had random flashes of knowing things that they shouldn’t be able to know. An ant is one way through which consciousness is able to touch itself by denying its oneness in the act of folding onto itself. thus creating an apparent “ant spacetime. and forgotten unity.” so more instantaneous knowledge (by telephone or TV or future “inertia-free” or “gravitationally-bending” vehicles) is possible. As soon as conscious light forgets its indivisible oneness in knowing or loving itself. if not full realization.” perhaps before any folding at all. of love’s one string onto itself. Meanwhile. objects. generates all . or “before” they happen. as if there were no ruler to traverse. perhaps. in terms of knotting strings. so time wasn’t necessary and there was only one isness without beginning or end. of that which always is. Technology can help us convert what used to take time into something that happens “all at once. there is ample evidence that individuals have had glimpses. Evolution and heart-maturity involve consciousness awakening to know more of itself all “at once” and “as one. Humans are another way conscious light awakens and folds to know itself. things at other places.

as reported by many saints and sages throughout human history. the varying degrees of urgency to know or love one’s story by experiencing others or any event—to know that you exist or anything exists by consciously experiencing anything at all —creates the various densities and folds that appear as space and time.the burrowing adventures of apparently separate surfaces apportioned out in spacetime. every degree of tightness and fear. In fact. there appear layer upon layer of various folds and interweaving densities of neediness and morality. In between the tightest human neediness and the loosened. experiencing the oscillation of love and betrayal by others—when our story is unnecessary and our self-folding relaxes. unknotted isness beyond any need for folding conscious-light to know itself as not-one. then space and time instantaneously disappear like a mirage. There are domains populated by beings and objects that correspond to every kind of need for self-reference or complexity of knot. every need for a story of a self that takes place and time. When conscious light is not knotted or isn’t moved to forgetfully know or love itself as a separate surface for the sake of generating an appearing story of burrowing through time in an effort to get somewhere different. Waiting to Love Page 102 .

Feel deeper and deeper into the nature of feeling itself. so that whatever is. What an ant experiences as a ruler unfolding in time from beginning to end. without the need for time. simply and obviously is. before you feel the knotting or stress-in-feeling you call “something. feel consciousness recognizing consciousness.So. Feel—and smile—as one open knowingness touching itself as an “other. and how long you want the answer to take.” Feel the entire world and the stars as if spontaneously floating in an instantaneous appearance. and eventually you may mature to find yourself naturally alive as openness that can know and feel as light. without the need to experience anything in time. with practice through apparent years. The ruler simply is. And mostly it depends on the maturity of the conversation. With each friend. you . feel love loving love. the medium of which is like the light of a love-made dream going nowhere and arising whole. you experience instantaneously from beginning to end. When you look into a friend’s eyes. how are babies made? How is spacetime made? It depends on who asks. Gazing into your friend’s eyes and heart. whether or not folding spontaneously creates spacetime. actually feel into his or her heart as his or her heart feels into yours. so you relax completely as feeling itself. Train to apply the same feeling-realization to the entirety of spacetime at every level of subtlety.” Perhaps.

You and I can practice through what seems like a lifetime—even if it is only a few moments of a dream. Then. allow the interweaving of various oscillatory domains of appearance. virtually instantaneously. Significance-packed events. loosen the vibratory knot that maintains what we call our waking state of three-dimensional space and time.” the root -vibration of spacetime. as humans grow to encompass time into a more space-like or “everywhere all at once” field of experience. we can lovingly allow the whole instantaneous luminosity to vibrate as one openness knowing itself as an apparent self and world. each hued by a self-referentially produced color of love or density of time. arts. You may. We can naturally loosen to feel before the folding and the resultant domain of appearing spacetime. all kinds of science.suddenly feel as feeling so freely that you relax as you are before the first fold creates the tension in consciousness that we call “attention. which would normally seem to require hours or eons. may appear all-at-once. while resting in bed and drifting asleep. and morals will develop. You may. while dreaming or meditating. You may experience visions and visitations that are barely describable but deeply heart-maturing and thus full of “future” or even “eternal” or “timeless” truth—packed with Waiting to Love Page 104 . In the meantime.

lit up in a dream or while awake. Physicists will explore wormholes. just prior to resting as the unborn light before the knot is made and consciousness feels itself in the very first fold. you may glimpse all-time-at-once. or perhaps you will have this peek at your physical death. before the wormhole discovery. and economies will shift from being strongly motivated by the fear of “other” to a more unified experience of conscious light. loving itself through loosening urgencies of “need to know I exist.scientific insight of artistic beauty that might allow technologies and entertainments to be powered by the very light of consciousness letting loose as the substance of spacetime. feel deeply: Why do you need to know that you exist or anything exists or that others love you? What do you get by walking the length of your . time relaxes as the space-like openness that is its always-present source. Until then. allowing them to simultaneously experience both the beginning and end of the meter ruler—two events that. seemed separated by space that was traversable only through a substantial amount of time. analogous to ants that discover “time traveling” technologies.” Through training. By repeating these short moments while alive as a currently appearing form. Poets will elucidate beauties stretched beyond our vision.

Waiting to Love Page 106 . even as spontaneous knotting seems to oscillate as objects and others and selfing. and you will be undone open. all alight and alive as love’s that makes time seem so necessary and real? Practice relaxing to feel “where it all goes” at once.

held back as a witness. From there. but also refusing to surrender open as one. —Alain Chamfort The oneness of conscious light is not the end of sexuality. creating a lover and a beloved. it also produces the masculine and feminine qualities of human sexuality in our currently appearing world. as the openness of conscious light folds onto itself and thus generates a spacetime undulating with apparent selves and others. but its beginning. Conscious light folding onto itself is not only like the act of sex. this makes two. the magnetic need to re-unite cognizance with its own luminosity begins. Sex is Inconclusive His passions make man live. for fear of losing their separative story of two-ness. A “masculine” cognizance and a “feminine” radiance are co-created. Every human being has an apparent choice: In any moment.11. When consciousness is parted from light. dying to reunite. they can identify with the feminine light of spontaneously showing energy: “I love your shoes! Do I look OK?” Or. providing company for one another. they can identify with the masculine witness. the cognizant . his wisdom merely makes him last.

the chocolate is delicious.aspect that never changes but tacitly wants to know: Who am I? What is a theory that could encompass the entire Kosmos? Will my favorite football team win in the playoffs? The masculine is riveted to witnessing: the cheerleaders dance. what is going to happen? The feminine is riveted to feeling what is showing now: the garden is beautiful. and in shades of the spectrum. more with the need to know or more with the need to show. Each appearing “I” identifies. desire is flavored more by wanting to claim or be claimed. a ball is kicked. exposing her. moment-by-moment. He wants to see her nakedness and possess her love. Likewise. She wants to be known deeply and claimed by his love. a theory is proposed. Even in mere animal desire. the whistle is blown. commanding her. Waiting to Love Page 108 . wanting to offer or be given possession. he can pin her arms open. She suffers anything less than his heart’s deepest and most loving command. “Say that you love me! Say that you are mine!” And she does. what is my lover feeling about me? Spiritual recognition is thus flavored by these two starting points. But she longs for the most sacred truth of his claim.

gently entering through her heart’s protection with love. “Take me. even with long training. into the offered fullness of her body and energy. more ecstatically exposed than her willingness would allow. intuiting that s he is his.In deep love. knowing her more deeply than she may know herself. I’m yours.” the light of she yearns. she is the luminosity of cognizance. and thus killing her fear softly with his undaunted gaze and authentic authority claiming her heart. the more she yields her hiding and offers her bright heart through her body to be taken open. fearlessly present. . she lures him. enchanting him into her heart’s bright devotion. The more he knows death and is fully. This “he” and “she” are part of all humans. as if this were their last moment together. she may believe that she personally belongs to him personally. He smithereens her. she is still his—as the spontaneous radiance of open cognizance. However. so that solid personhood is instantaneously being felt through as love’s dancing transparency. no separate sense of human self involved. but each part of our appearing self (and we all have many parts to us) identifies with one or the other more or less at different times. Immaturely.

Few people have trained to be less distractible. drifting in the picture of life. “You are mine. able to stably feel the deep openness of simultaneous he-cognizance and she-luminosity. This searching becomes their life story. known. Human passion makes the plot of life’s story.From that place of unhesitant cognizance. feeling freely and deeply without obstruction: to be open as love. Most people get stuck in their search or life story. knowing her as his spontaneous shine. reading.” But if he doesn’t know what he wants and thus gets lost. sexing—to assuage their suffering. then she yearns for someone who can savage her to openness. Waiting to Love Page 110 . with the authority of unthreatened openness. and claimed as love’s offering. working. he yearns to ravish her luminous radiance. which is to be empty as openness. taking superficial appearances personally—she can’t trust him. without the need for a story. What deep cognizance always wants is to know absolutely. When he is lost trying to know. Most people are distracted by feeling that something is missing and then subsequently search—eating. he may playfully command. and you will give me all of you. When she is lost trying to be seen. for anyone who doesn’t presently open as the co-arising unity of he-she.

needing only to be seen on the surface and known emotionally. Great sex also requires the feminine-playing partner of light-energy to be unburdened by the need to know anything. not heart-pierced so deeply .” from ligare “to bind”) by the fear-slaying mystery of love’s command. devotionally unprotecting her bright heart as an achingly exposed offering alive as relaxed openness. too: A shallow he attracts a shallow she.Openness is the ground. most every “he” doesn’t recognize the depth of openness right now. so that unbridled pleasure gives itself to be lovingly “bound. He will repel the “she” that is deeper.” wedded in the sexual “religion” (Latin religare “to tie back. longing for a “he” that enters her without fear of no-conclusion. valiant humor and authority of no-fear. of hecognizance and she-luminosity. lacking the natural. the effortless unity of consciousness and light. she who requires ravishment by the openended and undauntedly fierce knowledge of love. by remaining present as relaxed openness in the midst of wild sexual and emotional energy. Great sex—sex that absorbs humans in its very brightness of love’s bliss—is relaxed openness. Of course. so his knowing is shallow and untrustable. The corollary smacks. This requires that the masculine-playing partner really knows openness and passionately aligns light’s display. spontaneously and effortlessly but with authentic and authoritative force.

that she is exposed in all her untamed. She refuses to feel the hurt of not being possessed by his love fully. Waiting to Love Page 112 . untrammeled glory. vaguely unrelaxed bodies striving for a unity that sneezes briefly in moments of intensity. luminous love giving herself to he which commands her nakedness. hiding nothing. let loose through two bodies alive as openness. and he mistrusts his claim. he recognizes there is literally nothing to know. Shallow sex between fearful lovers wallows longingly in pools of waiting. moved as love’s capacity to know and feel. The he and she of openness can freely play the wedding of cognizance claiming his light. Fear underlies her showing and his knowing. Her emotions hint toward upcoming betrayal. Deep sex is the undulation of spacetime’s vibratory humor. As openness. His need to know and control seems trivial and rigid. unworthy of devotional trust. together allowing conscious light’s transparency to openness. her fear-to-open murdered despite her accumulated distrust. she feels love’s light so abundantly its lack never seems. As openness. she hides her devotion. Not grounded in the recognition of deep openness. He refuses to feel the hurt of her hide-and-seek chaos ruining what he has achieved through knowledge. lit up as love’s light.

motion. the witness rests its case. . but at least knowing the rules of the game and feeling the unknown become known as each team plays to resolution. displaying as the light of this entire moment. Children and gardens and shopping and talking move as she. philosophies and stock markets rise and fall. Most human simulations of life are tensionmotivated by forgetting or ignoring the unconfined. Roses and daughters grow and die. More often. We know hours spent witnessing sports to compensate for not knowing what is. together allowing love alive without necessity as a relaxed and spontaneous offering. we see the results of shallow knowing and showing. one form wild as light’s naked show. We see racks of designer clothing indulged to compensate for not feeling seen. a technological solution. Projects and working and adventuring and finding the answer to a question—coming to know the heretoforeunknowable outcome of a sporting event.Openness knows itself by folding onto itself in human form. and wars are lost or won. open cognizance that is right now alive as love. dinner is cooked and eaten. no more motion but a real conclusion. or a spiritual insight — bring to rest he. as every dream and thought and perception. as every emotion and event. resulting in the rhythmic humping of the universe. the other form knowing love to death. and rest. Openness is forgotten in human simulations of search.

Without resting as true openness. he winds up tighter and tighter. your children. relaxing as cognizance so openly that no conclusion needs to be found and no offering is ever held back in this appearing world. Dreaming or awake.and she-simulations of human life—forgetting to feel. pokey. Feeling now as it is. Every moment is born of the ongoing wedding of he and she. Waiting to Love Page 114 . she tortures him with betrayal. and love as the openness that is. live. work. to conclusively assert his separative power and false authority to know and control and dispense with her in the most fearful way. all abuse is based on forgetting the now-moment’s open love that is shining as all that can be seen. squeamish entrance into her fathomless devotional love. and thoughts are openness-made and openness-known without fear. misleading his dogged need to know where she stands. feeling natural openness less and less. weakening his confidence so he can never succeed. so hurt is her heart by his shallow. Untouched by love’s true claim. lovingly alive as the rhythmic sex of appearance vanishing open to more or less. Physical and emotional abuse is the end product of a long history of fearful recoiling from what seems—the he. until he rapes her in order to feel his simulated freedom to do whatever he wants.

I have studied with teachers in an effort to understand and love more deeply. and these teachers have led me to do all kinds of strange things in an effort to grow. I learned that the very motivation with which I approached spiritual practice was my failure to open. often painfully so.12. I would discover. and I trusted their efforts to serve me. These days. Often. they tend to neglect . But like myself. that I was just chasing my own tail. We want to love without limits. people sometimes approach me as a teacher. They seem to go through the same process that I went through. wanting to do practices—just about anything—in an effort to open. after the fact. —Jean de La Bruyere Spirituality is a hope for something better. We want to be relieved of love’s lack or insight’s shortcomings. We get interested in spirituality because we are suffering. Lancelot’s Obsession Man does not live long enough to profit from his faults. my teacher was giving me a chance to view my own game with clarity. We want to feel more fulfilled or understand something deeper. I followed my teachers’ instructions because I felt their greater openness.

noticing that their very seeking is the action that creates the suffering they are attempting to escape through so-called practice. For the sake of ease and anonymity, I’ll glom together the obsessive spiritual seeking of several young men that I know into one character who I’ll call, “Lancelot.” His entire life is wrapped around the search for spiritual enlightenment. He goes from teacher to teacher looking for deeper truth. He berates his girlfriend for not being spiritual enough, and he has sex with others—he also tells his girlfriend to have sex with others—in the hope of getting through whatever blocks are stopping them from being open and free. I’ve seen Lancelot have sex with his friends’ wives after getting them drunk, supposedly for spiritual reasons. I’ve seen him fondle the foreskin of his buddy—again, as some strange rite of spiritual love. I’ve seen him hang women by ropes and slather their naked bodies with lotion, spanking them and rotating objects in their vaginas because he thinks this will help them open more spiritually. Let me just say that it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for Lancelot to drink copious quantities of liquor (all for the sake of the spiritual challenge, of course), go crazy, bite people or get into fights, and wake up in a hospital when he finally shakes off the sedatives administered by caring doctors. Waiting to Love Page 116

Right before my eyes, Lancelot has asked his girlfriend to beat him as hard as she could while he tried to “remain present,” and he encouraged a fearfully repressed man to punch his face repeatedly, until one of Lancelot’s eyes was swollen shut and his upper lip was engorged to the size and shape of a purplish banana, oozing blood and leaking oily fluids, eventually requiring surgery. The man’s life was transformed—his sex and work became far more passionate—but at quite an expense to Lancelot’s face. As an onlooker, one might think that Lancelot wasn’t that smart, that perhaps there were less violent ways of relaxing open as love’s full presence. Lancelot makes a big deal about his spirituality, just as most young people righteously aggrandize their life choices. At various times, he has told his parents that he refuses to talk with them about anything mundane, that he thinks they live a superficial life and he won’t engage in trivial conversation with them. His parents are relatively wealthy, and Lancelot has told them he wants to be free of needing to please them, so he refuses to accept any financial inheritance they might will to him. He told his parents that he has given his life to God, to a guru, to something special and more meaningful then the life his parents know. Lancelot means well. He genuinely believes that his efforts will help him grow. Many people follow him as a spiritual leader, in fact. To them, he gives answers. His voice is soothing. When it isn’t pummeled swollen, his face is

quite pretty, easy to look at and believe. In front of his students, his girlfriend waits silently by his side, until she joins in and answers questions too, calmly and with great dignity. Lancelot came to me because he thought I could help him open spiritually. What could I do? He is a well-intentioned guy and his search is genuine. He really does want to grow. Apparently, some highly-respected spiritual teachers have told Lancelot that he’s enlightened, or close to it, and so he has been teaching for years, essentially aping the words of his teachers, including mine. I spent decades developing a thorough teaching, including hundreds of exercises and years worth of training programs, to help people use their relationships and sexuality as a doorway to recognizing the openness that is their true nature. Lancelot has usurped these teachings and practices, wowing the crowd with his prowess and depth of knowledge. He actually seems to be serving his students quite well. I feel relaxed and relieved: if the masses will swallow his offering, I no longer feel obliged to dish it up. Although he is a beginner, Lancelot has embodied enough of these practices to teach them effectively to most people. And because he is a beginner, Lancelot has the enthusiasm common to all zealots. He still believes that he is helping people—that he can help people—and that he can continue growing himself. Waiting to Love Page 118

I remember when he asked about a mutual friend, “Why isn’t he practicing spirituality more?” Lancelot observed that our friend spent so much time working—our friend freely admitted he hardly spent any time doing spiritual practices—and Lancelot wondered why. Our friend has access to all the exercises and wisdom that Lancelot does. Our friend is older, wiser, and more experienced than Lancelot. Lancelot wondered aloud, “Why isn’t he motivated to practice more?” Except for patron-types who enjoy basking in the glow of spirituality via association, sort of like hanging out with the cool crowd in high school, the majority of spiritual practitioners are mediocre losers. Most of them couldn’t cut it in the dog-eat-dog socalled real world, so they gravitate toward a way around their inadequacies. They become spiritual seekers. By going through the motions of a spiritual life—the holy books, teachers, chanting, and whatnot—they hope for happiness just as others seek it by raising a family or creating a successful career. These types expect that if they do spiritual practices—meditation, yoga, sacred dance, singing, devotional rituals, etc.—then they will feel more fulfilled, happier. But that’s not what usually happens. Similarly deluded in my earnestness, I’ve been a member of spiritual communities, and I can say with a modicum of authority that most of these people are less happy than the average grocery store clerk. They are struggling with disciplines, or repeatedly attending

relaxing to be what is and always is. dreaming. rather than training to feel. will become more obvious. right now. I went through the same route. inside and out. rather than changing something for the better that could be subject to further change. whether sleeping. If it must be sought for in the future. Obviously. but he is spiritually sophisticated enough to know that true spiritual training is about opening. as we may already have. Waiting to Love Page 120 . But doing spiritual practice to attain anything in the future negates the very premise of God or Love or Truth as your true nature right now.meetings with their teacher. they hope. Lancelot has his shortcomings. love. the openness that is our nature. less afraid. proper training can be useful to render that which has become obscured more visible. or God that is alive as this moment. But the majority of spiritual practitioners are training to achieve a future goal in their imagination. from top to bottom. more loving. In Lancelot’s case. thus obscuring the obviousness of love’s open effulgence as the presently appearing world. his good heart has led him to do some strange things in the hope that the deep truth of God. and hoping to find some measure of spiritual improvement. the deepest truth. it isn’t your true nature. Like all of us. or already having died. awake. Perhaps they will become calmer. He’s heard and understood the arguments about effort re-enforcing one’s selfing. now and always.

or whatever. In his view. the grail for which he seeks. He just usually can’t feel it. On bad days. If clams had the capacity to watch TV. earning a living. He knows that love is the feeling of being. fame. but another one is failing to practice because he is too entranced by work. He knows that in any moment of relaxing open to feel without fear. the feeling of being itself—the unfabricated. Or game shows geared toward the serial-killer market share. He categorizes his friends likewise: one guy is a spiritual success. I can’t imagine what a TV game show for them might look like. women. But most human game shows involve contestants pitted against each other for the award of a date with a sexy bachelor or bachelorette—or for prizes based on their knowledge of world history. he feels like a failure. and so forth—but Lancelot has gotten lost in the game of spirituality. Lancelot thinks he is a more successful spiritual aspirant. some people are practicing better than others. Some people get lost in the conventional games of life—relationships. On good days. Television game shows are great indicators of today’s modern human mindstream. there’s an interesting visualization.So Lancelot is not in the same category of panderers who believe spiritual attainment is in the future. openly alive right now. unconfined cognizant openness that spontaneously shines and feels as all appearances—is the answer to his questions. or their capacity to remember trivia and outwit each other. . He sees spiritual winners and losers.

You see. some recent studies have indicated that homosexuality is and was relatively common among monastics. He’d probably be first in line to buy tickets to participate in the show. A bit of background: the spiritual way of life and sexual intimacy have always been considered a tenuous coupling. Historically.) Waiting to Love Page 122 . for instance—have become celibate or monastic. Lancelot has framed his entire relational life as if it were a contest of spiritual capacity: How can I practice better as a spiritual lover? Who is the best spiritual practitioner? Will I ever be a real spiritual champion? So in honor of Lancelot’s commitment to being a title-holding spiritual lover. many people who were seriously committed to a spiritual way of life—many Christians. but that’s another story. they think they can apply more of their life to spiritual practices. or whatever. I offer him the following contest: discover the best way to open your girlfriend to love’s fullest expression of living light’s bliss. and Buddhists. (Of course. But if there were a game show that pitted one human’s spiritual prowess against another’s. As celibates. Hindus.Lancelot doesn’t watch TV game shows—he’s far too spiritual for that. in order to minimize the extraordinary amount of time and energy absorbed in marriage and family. praying. meditating. Lancelot would be an unrivaled fan. and with the humor by which I discovered my own futile game of seeking. instead of getting all wrapped up in the mating game.

“What is best for us?” People can grow from being me-centered to being we-centered. But there’s another game to be played. In any case. “What is best for me?” they wonder. so many people are ignorant spiritual practitioners—seeking a future salvation rather than allowing a present revelation of openness and a moment-bymoment practice of relaxing as this revelation—that they aren’t doing anything spiritual at all in their relationships. They can grow from wanting to receive sexual satisfaction to wanting to share it. affection. or share. romance. Rather than strategizing. Other people have matured enough to realize that intimacy is best approached less selfishly. a friend to give them comfort. a family. and so forth. They open from self-centered who’s-incharge power games to mutual respect and equality. with more willingness to compromise. and this is what I’m proposing in honor of Lancelot’s quest for spiritual championship amongst sexual contenders: . financial security. Most people are trying to get something for themselves through intimate arrangements: sex. They cultivate compassionate tolerance and acceptance. Other’s feel that their religion condones polygamy.Some people feel only sexual monogamy is appropriate in God’s eyes.

shining as love’s light in what would otherwise be their most fearful and endarkened places of hiding. opening as love’s relaxed offering in the midst of their darkest desires. you may never get what you want. which is what you seek in a me-centered intimacy. Most spiritual practitioners avoid learning how to love under all conditions. are actually helping everybody to learn to remain open during difficult times. or by watching their spouse have sex with someone else—all the while feeling open as the conscious luminosity that shines as this entire moment.How can intimacy be arranged so that all the participants and the entire world are evoked to relax as the openness of conscious luminosity that is the nature of every moment? How can intimate relationship be used as a spiritual practice? This shift in perspective changes the rules of the game. especially when they feel stuck in the often lustful and violent junk of their private psycho-emotional closets. the careful sharing-of-the-pie style of we-centered intimacy may or may not remind everyone of his or her true nature. ravished like a slut. Perhaps someone is relaxed into their true nature by being commanded like a slave. First of all. involving sex and aggression with his girlfriend and friends. Secondly. Waiting to Love Page 124 . They are afraid to play the game all the way. Perhaps Lancelot’s seemingly extreme practices.

I say “relational arrangement” because the notion of “the couple” is one of the first things to shift after one has grown tired of me-centered power games and the lukewarm but compassionate compromise of fair. I’ve played this dangerous game for years.Perhaps if performed with care and deep heart-connection. Women’s rights. community concern for children. and political lineages. and actually open to their true nature in the process. and changing economic structures have altered the necessity for the usual one-man-with-one-woman-and-children legal marriage contract. Lancelot’s seemingly bizarre practices could help him and his friends find the answer to how to relax open as love’s conscious luminosity in the scariest moments of unveiling their secret motives. Very. Besides. people engage in serial monogamy (one long-term committed relationship after another) or outright multiple relationships—and they still don’t open as their true nature. stay with that one person as their only partner for the rest of their life. the “answers” are unique for every individual and each relational arrangement. including sexually. we-centered partnerships. but I’d be cheating Lancelot if I gave him any answers. but the complex impulse for multiple partners has often quivered beneath the surface smiles of . Usually. land ownership. That was useful for passing on possessions. very few people in this world marry one person.

so I won’t repeat these ideas here. Instead. but they do involve the exchange of sexual energies. unless clarity and boundaries are established. and I have written a number of books describing how to engage intimacy as a form of spiritual practice. and friends who love and serve each other. or therapists and clients. is necessary—the physical sexual urge that comes along with the more subtle sexual energy exchange can become overwhelmingly strong. rejuvenating energy. are already engaged in multiple relationships. Perhaps it is time to consider intimate relationships as sacred arrangements—enacted for the benefit of all beings—within a community of parents. children. This automatic sexual exchange is why taboos between ministers and parishioners. You. Or when one person massages another with soothing. Waiting to Love Page 126 . for instance. I will focus on one hint for Lancelot in his quest for championship in the spiritual game of relationship. These relationships don’t necessarily involve flesh-pressing sexual intercourse. Why? There are many reasons. This exchange occurs. including what to do with the pervasive urge to merge with more than one person. and your lover if you have one. when one person helps another navigate through a storm of emotional chaos.supposedly sound marriages.

The masculine skillfully navigates through choppy waters of emotional and daily travail. as an example. I’ll use Lancelot. Feminine bliss is a matter of trusting love. In doing so. claiming the feminine heart with integrity. and authentic confidence. .Masculine sexual energy is lovingly commanding. the masculine is attracted deeper into the never-ending love that is feminine devotion. The TV game show I am proposing (with a smile) in honor of Lancelot’s noble obsession with being a spiritual lover par excellence is this: which contestants can create the intimate arrangement that makes most obvious this moment’s open nature as love’s conscious luminosity? As with all TV game shows. leading (to one degree or another) to the always-present relaxation as openness. Feminine sexual energy is lovingly devotional. sensitivity. humor. The feminine attracts or enchants the masculine beyond fear into openness by the most attractive force in the universe of human experience: the bodily offered undulation of love’s energy expressed as undeterred devotional surrender. surrendering to be taken open by the masculine’s heart-and-body-commanding claim. How would this proceed? Again. the contestants would need to be pre-selected. the glommed-together character of several of my dear friends.

So. Lancelot would go home—if he remembered where his car keys were. You are God already. that his girlfriend’s body became stiff as a harried businessman’s. first we would have to eliminate potential game show contestants who were still enamored of the spineless-flow-boy/tense-woman-in-charge syndrome. lack of direction. Be the consciousness that witnesses all changes. He was so unable to take charge and navigate his everyday life. keep track of the airline tickets. and inability to commit. Women in abusive relationships love flow boys because they are safe and sensitive. Then. Blah. and there is nothing you need to do except be the divine love that you are. blah. blah. of students all over the world. to be wimpy or even disgusting. and basically hold the whole show together. because Lancelot was a flow boy. Waiting to Love Page 128 . and relax as that unchanging vast ocean of peace. Women who have grown beyond depending on a man. feminine. A flow boy is a man who has over-identified with his own flowing. energy of surrender. and have achieved emotional and financial independence. if not thousands. find a flow boy’s ambiguity. He would sit up in front of a fawning audience and deliver the most banal spiritual pabulum imaginable: You are the unchanging witness of everything that changes. She had to make all the decisions.When I first met Lancelot he was a spiritual teacher with hundreds.

and bright with the light of love’s true light. Her body is much more supple. I’d be willing to wager that Lancelot could find another man who is better at scheduling his girlfriend’s day than Lancelot is. opening him to total surrender on the spot by using her body in a way that stops his judgmental-mind in love. graceful.And of course we would eliminate abusive men who were perpetrators and emotionallyneedy women who wallowed as victims. . Lancelot is much more able to command and navigate from his deepest heart. now that Lancelot actually has a plan and at least tries to carry through with it. But I’ve seen Lancelot and his girlfriend grow through these stages in a matter of months. The game show challenge consists of discovering the most fruitful intimate arrangement for the sake of everyone involved—including the whole world. that wouldn’t leave many contestants. or even to improve the lives of the people involved in the relationship. Also. In other words. the challenge is to optimize the giving of gifts for the sake of all. Admittedly. And his girlfriend is much more able to open Lancelot beyond his fear through the strength of her devotional offering. rather than trying to get something from the relationship. I’d bet that his girlfriend could find another woman who is better at waking Lancelot from his boyish need to have a spiritual contest at all. with appropriate training. relaxed.

who doesn’t really like talking about this stuff anyway. Even though it is a call for a missing sexual “nutrient. or underplay their importance. at odds with the rules of me-centered and we-centered relationships. and very rarely do we get all of them from one person. the need for such help is so intense that it finds its way in through the back door. A tennis coach might give a woman the masculine feeling-guidance and direction that her husband Waiting to Love Page 130 .Finding others who are better than you at serving your intimate partner to greater openness is. She worships the way he listens to her and makes her feel better about herself. These things happen. of course.” the longing for specific sexual energies is often trivialized: “Yeah. feeling really alive in a way that his wife doesn’t evoke. but as long as he doesn’t act out his fantasies. A woman may chat with a trusted and sensitive man friend about her relationship and gain insight that she could never get from talking to her husband.” We each get our masculine and feminine “nutrients” one way or another. “My wife thinks her therapist is God. A man might look forward to seeing the lustrous beauty of a young woman’s glow—say. And that’s fine with me—I sure as hell don’t want to spend hours therapizing my wife—as long as he keeps his hands off of her. it’s fine with me. a radiant co-worker—and be inspired and energized. Nevertheless. Most people keep them secret. my husband just can’t get enough of the Playboy channel on cable TV.” Or.

chocolate. or by fantasies of being tied down and ravished. Starve a man of bodily-offered devotion. schedules. we each need to metabolize full masculine command-claim and full feminine surrender-invitation. We can get a lot of these energies just by watching movies. he would find ways to provide his girlfriend with the nutrients she needs so she can relax open and shine the love that is her heart’s fullest bloom. or we develop pathological neediness. and he or she will begin to eat dirt. A prostitute might role-play and give a man some spectrum of feminine devotional energy—the voracious slut. and challenging careers can give us the masculine direction that we might otherwise miss. Starve a woman of authentic heart claim. If Lancelot were smart. If he can’t personally provide these nutrients for now. or reading books. to-do lists. Nature and music can give us muchneeded feminine energy. We fantasize about movie stars usually for these reasons. stupid-but-dominant men. Somehow or another. Starve a child of essential minerals long enough. we imagine getting our unfulfilled masculine or feminine nutritional quota from them. TV.doesn’t. he would consciously arrange for them to be provided by someone or something . the coy virgin—that his wife doesn’t. and he’ll watch pornography. and she’ll give herself to some form of abuse which allows her to feel her incapacity to resist: she’ll feel claimed by moodiness.

The best intimate arrangements are the ones that provide everybody with the masculine and feminine nutrients necessary to support ongoing relaxation as the openness of love’s conscious luminosity. Now the question remains. In this case. whereas a fifty-year-old man might be served equally to surrender open in love’s bliss by a good foot massage. Maybe choosing to give birth to children helps this process. although the two explicitly agree not to engage in physical sex.else. which Lancelot’s girlfriend can do. who should give the ravishment or foot massage? Whose gift is it to offer? Perhaps a professional should be hired to provide the service. or maybe the intimate arrangement should be expanded to include more than two people. Maybe sexual monogamy serves this openness. but he’s lousy at helping her flower her career. This transforms unconscious or secretive habits and addictions into conscious offerings of love. maybe not. maybe not. A twenty-three-year-old woman might require lovingly aggressive masculine sexual ravishment on a daily basis. The need for such nutrients is different for each person. and changes over time and with age. Waiting to Love Page 132 . he might invite a man into the intimate arrangement who is gifted at career management and who also needs a woman that can give a great foot massage. Perhaps Lancelot is the best lover to open his girlfriend’s heart and body through sexual means.

This can be made into an explicit. and that’s why the pool of potential contestants for such a game show would be so small. with no secret backdoors or pathological suppressions. giving a gift shifts the energetics in the intimate arrangements and disables one’s capacity to give other. perhaps from Lancelot himself. these arrangements are tricky. or at least could learn to do so. and formal exchange. much more important gifts. then what happens with her husband? What gift is he going to give? Does Lancelot have the capacity to serve his friend’s wife in this way while still serving his own girlfriend? Sometimes.We can imagine that Lancelot has a friend who is in a really good marriage. For instance. honorable. many women are opened to God sexually most by those men who open them spiritually through words — and thus Lancelot and his friends would have to really determine. because her husband does open her sufficiently through sexual means. whose wife comes to Lancelot for conversations of spiritual guidance. Of course. If Lancelot chooses to gift this woman through verbal spiritual guidance and physical sexual exchange. Lancelot could clearly offer this woman spiritual counseling—which is a nutrient she lacks in her marriage—while committing to abstain from having sex with her. day-by-day. . but Lancelot has a deeper spiritual understanding than his friend. whose sexual involvement would most serve to open (or close) his friend’s wife.

through painful trial and error and hard-won wisdom. let alone the jealousies and unfulfilled personal longings for feeling like the special chosen one in a love relationship. and his friends come upon an arrangement that does serve them all to open deeply. Lancelot. then the complexities of such an arrangement. To simultaneously deconstruct selfings through the tearing of love’s most precious veils while also creating an arrangement that allows love’s gifts to be offered without the separative need for hiding.And what of the world’s opening? Let’s assume that through years of committed loving. to the feminine invitation of a belly dancer at a local restaurant — many people will freak out when the offering of these nutrients is made explicit and formalized amongst an arrangement of loving friends. If someone is still seeking personal security or a 50/50 split of who gets to make a decision. will wreak havoc on one’s sense of self. that’s the whole point of such a game. his girlfriend. Of course. Does this arrangement also result in the world’s benefit? Do their families and friends and coworkers and children open more or close down due to their intimate arrangement? Even though just about everyone has their secret or casual means for getting their masculine and feminine nutrients—ranging from the masculine guidance of a social schedule and to-do list. Waiting to Love Page 134 .

Their personal dreams for a “good life” may be shattered in the process.Maybe Lancelot will. but perhaps the arrangements that are created will allow an entirely fresh appearance of love’s flow amongst humans. Lancelot’s impulse will lead to contests that open people to give their self-hope to be ruined for the sake of love’s fullest offering on earth. And the fullness of love’s liberated offerings might make pornography. guilt ridden rendezvous obsolete. . usher in a whole new era of relationships. Instead of trying to win for the sake of self or the award of a safe. then what thrill would they get from watching neurotics searching for love and success on TV? Maybe Lancelot isn’t as stupid as he looks. If people are already receiving the masculine and feminine nutrients they need to support their relaxation open as love’s fullest offering. it will hurt so bad they will have no choice but to surrender open and be lived by the force of love that far exceeds their clinging need for safety and comfort. based on the self-dissolving offering of love’s force through the art of intimate arrangement. cozy relationship. the “s elfsufficient and stressfully alone business woman” syndrome. Perhaps his need to view life as a spiritual contest—as inane as it seems to his close friends and girlfriend—may actually be the precursor to a cultural shift that we can all watch on TV. indeed. For those who choose this game. and the secretive. Maybe the nature of TV game shows themselves will change.

If so. Waiting to Love Page 136 . trying to out-practice our friends and achieve love’s endowment that is bursting through all of us as the light of every moment’s relaxed openness. God bless Lancelot’s spiritually competitive obsession. if we’d only stop trying to win. Otherwise.Lancelot’s obsession with who is practicing a spiritual life best may ultimately lead us beyond old forms of loving into depths of trust and agony that few have been so far willing to bear for the sake of love’s most full offering in this appearing world of ours. he’s just another spiritual dumb-ass like the rest of us aggressive seekers.

Our body aches. Or. —Ralph Waldo Emerson As a body in a world. a sense of worthlessness—or we can close to some aspect of experience. soften our belly. feeling open as all—a vicious rainstorm. we can open to feel our pre-puke wooziness so that openness reigns larger than the chunky feelings themselves. Gritting Teeth and Love’s Yawn Every hero becomes a bore at last. our lover’s lips. We can feel our nausea. and feel our nausea completely. even though we don’t really like it that much. and we can almost taste our vomit. We can practice this while sitting in the dining room. We can resist these feelings because we don’t want to experience them.13. tweeting birds. pulling away as if we were separate. Our stomach churns. as if we had paid to take a roller coaster ride and feel woozy as entertainment. so that our child could enjoy the experience. and instead of tightening our gut and wishing we weren’t feeling so bad. We can feel our distress as art. We can relax as the entire moment’s show of love’s swirl. Our thoughts boil deliriously. we can relax. Suppose we feel sick. . That’s it. here is our choice: we can be more loving or less loving. sick.

feel the nausea fully without curling into myself. and their children were just about to get sick. and he sneezed on my sandwich that he was preparing. I hear the sounds of distant cars on the highway. but I’m going to relax open without hunching my shoulders. moving through my belly. His girlfriend got the flu because she babysat for the Smiths who decided at the last minute to go to a movie. without end. I hate this feeling. The feeling of nausea is swirled in the whorling of patterns: the cook at the restaurant where I ate lunch yesterday kissed his girlfriend who had the flu a few days ago. I feel my nausea but I also feel outward to the stars and the openness of space. and I imagine what they must be feeling right now. I practice to feel the room around me. I wish I felt better. carpeted. How far can I feel? Is there any edge to this moment? I can’t find a boundary. filled with furniture. The children crawled into the babysitter’s Waiting to Love Page 138 . damn it. Well. feeling outward. all the while also feeling my anguish and everything else. Rolls of blah. nausea feels like a sea swelling in my gut. Hmmm. It’s not very pleasant. I’ll breathe deeper and soften my body’s tension. I feel my lover and close friends. still smelling of the dinner I cooked last night. but it’s just a feeling. I might as well relax and enjoy it. but didn’t show any symptoms yet.I feel horrible. and open further. further and further. I want to double over and resist the pain.

Blame is useless. But it’s here. To close to this—or any—feeling is to deny the openness we are. It includes quantum fluctuations and zero-point energy giving rise to the inertia we feel when we move our arms through space as we run to the toilet.lap—my cook’s girlfriend—and kissed her because they wanted to taste her bubblegumflavored lipstick. some so small we can’t see them. We don’t want it. The meshing of influences extends far beyond what any individual can ever know. Sickness. We may not like feeling nauseous. And it’s here for a reason. hunching our shoulders . tongue deep in her mouth. my nausea. which is love. Nausea. some so long ago we can’t remember them. their juicy smooch becoming a vector for the Smith’s children’s virus that now triggers the biochemistry of my nausea. It’s here enmeshed in a webwork of reasons. Now. some so large we can’t conceive of the moon’s r eflected light on the curve of the cook’s girlfriend’s breasts that inspired him to kiss her. The whole meshing webwork includes the susceptibility of our immune system. Sickness is how the openness of light is currently rippling. This is our only choice: to open as love or to close. biased by our parents’ genetics as well as by the coins and shoes we put in our mouth as infants. but we can train ourselves to relax open as love when we would otherwise tighten. To feel fully is to be openness fully.

and gives rise to the unending search to fulfill the lack we have created because we are afraid to feel protect our heart from pain. Closing in fear of pain—being afraid of the fear of pain—is an unnecessary addition that creates a secondary layering. This pulling away—from our pain. You can take medicine. and sensations. the origin of deep loneliness and private torment. or try visualizing a healing light shining through your belly. Waiting to Love Page 140 . Why not do your best to reduce pain? But if you are pulling away from the sensation in addition to doing your best to ease it. for instance. creating separation. But hurt happens. attempting to pull away from unpleasant feeling. You can try to fix the nausea. thoughts. We remove ourselves from the primary appearance of love’s whorling openness. adding unnecessary layers of momentum to love’s spontaneous whorling. We create supplementary currents of mesolidifying thickness that make it even more difficult to recognize and relax open as the love that we are. We perpetuate the fear-born motions of separation. or from situations and relationships—is unlove. and we inhabit an extra-thick world comprised of the contractions of our own protective contortions. emotions. Fear of pain is natural enough. nobody likes to hurt. then you are adding a special kind of whorl—a fear whorl—that tightens the knot of solidity.

your dream-self “inside” appears to flow with fearful thoughts and emotions and the dream-world “outside” appears to contain a creature running after you. the scary monster—is obvious as dream-luminosity that only seem to be “inner” or “outer” appearances. . then all of it—your fear. futility. as it is.Open and feel all experience. alienation. the more we are likely to enact the separation of an inside from an outer world of others. If you are dreaming that a monster is chasing you. and sensations—separate from a public world outside. emotions. even if you take the right medicine. Your heart will feel a little more unquenched. Otherwise. meaninglessness. If you can feel the openness that is alight as the entire dream. After years of fearful recoiling from feeling all. exactly as it is—and also act in the most beneficent way. Your separative resistance as you pull away from feeling any experience creates the habit of solidifying a “me” and its subsequent ripples of loneliness. your closure to experience will re-enforce your habit of separation. and the lack of love. Within any world your fear determines the strength of this division. we are likely to have a strong sense of a private “me” inside—streaming as thoughts. your self more solidly knotted in a depthless world with less love available as you withdraw from the spontaneous display of now’s deeply open whole. available for all to experience as they will. The less we are willing to relax open and feel. your body.

and then it is obvious that the recess bells ringing in your dream of Mrs. all of this will disappear. The phone rings and you incorporate the sound into your dream. You don’t know that a phone is ringing in the waking world and bleeding through into your dream events—until suddenly you shift to your awake self. Our nausea can be related to many unseen influences—for instance. Our present experience—whether we are dreaming or awake right now—is the tip of the wave whose currents are whorled by bleedthroughs from dimensions of which we remain unaware. what some cultures might call the “spirit” of the land upon which we walk. Our waking and dreaming whorls can bleed through to each other. as openness continues to feel and know. now alight as your waking appearance. Hansen’s third-grade class was actually the alarm clock next to your 50-year-old body in bed. whorling as a private inner life of thoughts and emotions seemingly separate from the public outer world of jobs and lovers. or the nasty attitude with which our food was cooked—while also being enmeshed with the decision the Smiths made to get a babysitter for the evening that resulted in our cook sneezing a spray of viruses on our sandwich.When you wake up. This division of inner and outer is based in your fear to feel everything so fully it is known as love’s open light. as well as by the webwork arising as the appearing world. Your dream-self remains unaware that you are dreaming. Waiting to Love Page 142 . just as while dreaming.

spending 20 minutes throwing out old rotting leftovers. and openness. depth. your eyes noticing the shoes on another person in the drugstore. and you therefore pull back from feeling your nausea—or your lover’s criticism. unendingly. You feel nauseous. You feel hungry so you open the refrigerator. which incite further acts. by you and others. you set in motion further whorls. internally or externally. or what is happening altogether. or the thought of strangling your boss—then you add a deeper division between inside and . and all the while forgetting to meet your friend at the agreed-upon time. so you compensate by driving to the pharmacy for some medicine. and then you are caught in a never-ending story of inadequate love. who becomes so upset he spills hot coffee on his new suit and decides not to invite you to the party that you would have met your next business partner at… Every single time you act in response to what appears. If you fear to feel what is appearing full-blown right now.God knows why this moment is happening as it is. You can spend your entire life compensating for what arises. resulting in your desire to earn more money to buy more shoes…and so on. smelling something foul. your car burning fuel formed by the fossilization of our dinosaur-era earth.

Feel the animal that was killed for its hide. Humans desire things like fine shoes. and Waiting to Love Page 144 . Pulling back from feeling any arising—dream-monsters or your own dark desires to kill— thickens the false sense of separate self and others. classy cars. and sky you can see. and as this unconfined open feeling. a more fundamental sense of separation. loneliness. You were born a human. So you suffer. Feel infinitely inward and endlessly outward simultaneously. feel the space around you in the room.outside. Soften your body while the queasy spinning sensation curdles your gut. Feel into the deepest part of your heart’s longing to love while also feeling out as far as the moment goes. Without ignoring your illness. making it more difficult to relax and live as the love arising as this moment’s deeply feeling openness. drive to the pharmacy for medication to alleviate your pain. and your throat swallowing. and the workers sweating to make the shoes you wish were yours to own. and life’s meaninglessness day-after-day of superficial doings. With training. you can practice to open and fully feel whatever is—which includes nausea—while also acting to reduce the pain. beyond the buildings. landscape. your weight shifting from one leg to another. You can open and feel fully while at the pharmacy noticing your attraction to the shoes on the fellow customer. as if the air were made of clear water that flowed through every pore of your skin. Feel your glance move to the shoes. your jaw squeezing a bit tighter.

beautiful homes. is there a hard wall. Perhaps. This is for you to feel into. an unknowingness? Money helps postpone death’s unknowable surrender. tenderly feeling as open as you are willing. then what? Feel who you were before you were born. Without it you might die. Imagine you are dead right now. Instead. Don’t suppress your desire for the customer’s shoes. or an openness. persistently. You can open and feel fully while your mindstream perseverates on earning more money. Imagine there is nothing after death. Money is security. their finger’s forever dyed with the colors of your longed-for shoes. Be lovingly intimate with a more whole swirling of currents that presently appear as the shoes. the openness that always is abides before your birth and after your death. allow your desire to relax open beyond its usual confinement so it feels the less visible aspects of your target of envy—including the skinned animals lying on bloodstained cement floors and underpaid workers who couldn’t afford to buy the shoes they spend their day gluing and shaping. . this desire is as natural as your thirst for water. perhaps in formal periods of meditative stillness as well as in the present moment. as in every moment you have ever known. How bad was it? Feeling before your birth. and this is the afterlife. as well as now. and this dream of life is gone forever. allowing your deepest heart’s desire to move you as it will. And if you die.

Open and alive as love’s spontaneous showing. Every inevitable effect of your actions—nausea leading to shoe-desire leading to slaughter-derived leather—provides further fodder for fearing to feel the whole truth and suffering and threat of existence. your desires. thickening and reinforcing the sense of a world and self that feel separate and solid. devoid of the freedom of love’s deep openness. both deviant and natural—without pulling back. This dissolution as open love is quickened by feeling the whole swirl of currents. you can openly feel the ripples of appearance—the nausea. remaining vulnerable to your ancestor’s offerings. feeling all ripples of openness alight as the inner-seeming and outer-seeming currents—shoes. So you pull back from open feeling. the monsters. like the monster in a dream from which you are waking. Your resulting life is one of feeling perpetually trapped by never-ending obligations and unclaimed by love’s force. even your inner-seeming feeling of wanting to kill someone dissolves open. you can relax open.Moment by moment. money. as all “wantings” and “someones” become transparent as love’s rippling light. Waiting to Love Page 146 . In any moment. desire—of your dreaming or awake world. the suffering and lives spent to create that which you want and that which sustains the people who are still appearing.

It is your choice. trapped. Your actions and their ripples loosen as love’s spontaneous play. You can train in opening or closing. rather than strengthen into a sense of solidity and separation between a necessary “me” in here and a world out there. Or. waiting to love. eventually relaxing transparent as love’s light. you will suffer as your pulling back re-enforces the solidity of separation in which you feel stuck. and alone.Then. as your choice to relax allows the ripples to soften open. your necessity. seeking for the profound love and openness from which you are presently retracting. You can relax open and feel all alive as love’s spontaneous ripples arising in resonance with an infinite webwork of unseen influences. your heroic story and inevitable tragedy. At last. Closing. . lives given and taken. fading in the light of love’s overwhelming yawn. heart -felt and heart-released. you can close as unlove. afraid to feel as the openness that lives us all and into which we all die. the inner and outer world feels more open. endlessly playing toward no end in sight.

and thoughts is like the energy of cunt-words. Speech is energy. In your appearing world of others. Waiting to Love Page 148 . Words affect you energetically. gestures. to one degree or another. nonsense if you can’t. Otherwise. The Ritual of Life as Love Long years must pass before the truths we have made for ourselves become our very flesh. motions. your words. emotionally. even physiologically—if you are a trained reader.14. hugely affecting and evocative if you can read it. and stream of thoughts are. their appearance means very little. A squirrel —or a human trained only in Chinese—would see “cunt” and would be less emotionally and physiologically affected than you. The energy you give and receive through speech. transmitting openness or else evoking tension by triggering defensive reaction to seemingly threatening energy. —Paul Valery Cunt. Cunt.

” outward for all to feel.” “loving. Until then. and thoughts are given as intentional offerings. Rather. then your words. nothing more and nothing less. and you wield it more or less consciously. . “cunting. postures. although. people are more or less affected by your offered energy.” or “sweeting. right now. depending on your training and sensitivity as your current self. As an infant. you think. Your heart feels the blessing or suffering created by your offerings rippling through the appearance-space of your present world. But with training in reading. Speech is energy. a ritual done for the sake of others. Your posture and thoughts are. and speak for the sake of others.Love. the word “love” is a squiggle of black lines on a white background. like squirrels or foreign-language speakers. Your life becomes. Sweet. essentially. As your capacity to express the nature of openness deepens. As are your motions and words. to you and everyone else who can read English. Why bother thinking so you can know your own thoughts? They are yours already. “love” means something. act. “love” just sits on the page and doesn’t mean more than a crack on a wall or a piece of lint on the floor.

You don’t realize how you are affecting others until the languaging of your body. your gestures.” The essential nature of all energy is openness that can know and love. Waiting to Love Page 150 . your exact posture— the position of your fingers.” and their rippling meaning is felt as it emerges and fades in openness. and your thoughts are rather arbitrary until you learn how to read them and what they mean. to you and others. just as sacred dancing and hatha yoga are ways of training body-energy. Ritualized chanting and singing are ways of training speech-energy. right now—means something. shining as their own open knowingness. energetically radiant as love. Your thoughts vibrate in the mode of devotion or analysis. body. speech. appearing as spontaneous luminosity. and meditation is a way of training mind-energy. Your vocal chords may vibrate as “cunt” or “love. All dreams and waking worlds are self-lit in this way. and their meaning—more or less expressive of our natural being of love-openness—is immediately felt amongst those who can “read. and mind is clear to you. Then. Training this way helps re-habitualize the appearing speech. and mind so they can be more relaxedly transparent to the spontaneous and free light of openness shining through them. as they appear and disappear in the cognizant space of mind.Your speech.

nothing has ever meant anything. then the more you will be able to act as a transmitter of openness in any appearing world. it will be as if nothing has ever happened. what things mean depends on your training and development. posture. although no appearances arise. postures. In deep dreamless sleep tonight. You are a cunt. You are a runt. True ritual is thus an artful enactment of love’s openness. But when appearances arise while dreaming or awake. The less able you are. as well as a training for de habitualizing and relaxing the distorting tension you may have gotten used to creating with your words.The more transparent your words. and thinking. In deep sleep. And beyond their meaning. natural openness that can know and love. you can train to remember and abide as the same cognizant openness in deep sleep. . the more contractive your life will be. you won’t remember “cunt. and thoughts are to the unconfined. for yourself and others.” It will be as if it had never happened.

your response is minimal. whether you are awake. sleeping. With further training. 2. how to perform a sacred dance or chant. The luminosity of this moment’s openness ripples with meaning. including you. tension. then you will probably attend to the meaning that ripples from reading t hese sentences: “Who are you calling a ‘cunt’ and a ‘runt’? And what the hell do you mean I’m a ‘can’t’”. the rippling itself is felt as the openness of being. Waiting to Love Page 152 . You don’t really feel what it means. the same unconfined capacity to know and love that is. How you respond to the three sentences above this paragraph—how your breathing. If you can read. If you don’t read English. We can grow through three phases of training. right now. or ritual. and mindstream are affected—depends on your training and habits. or dreaming these words.You are a can’t. whether we are learning how to read. You do really feel what it means. or how to meditate: 1. and all the selves in this world react according to their training and habit.

compassionate. and so forth are just a bunch of hocus-pocus. ritual. At first. This leads to three kinds of spiritual activities. prayer. effortlessly expressing the inherent openness of being. and correct they ought to be. . You don’t believe that spiritual activities make any difference. People grow from being me-centered to wecentered. 3. and do whatever they want to. and believe that you have found a way to realize something more profound.3. and thus how careful. You rest open as the unconfined being of luminous knowing and loving that every moment already is. kind. meditation. Then people realize how important their actions are. dance. say. a deeper way to really offer your love to the world and others. how much they affect everyone. You feel what it means as a rippling appearance of unconfined open being. 1. if love and openness are to be realized and expressed. 2. people are me-centered. You are very serious about your spiritual practices. Your entire appearing life is enacted as an artful ritual. chanting. and they think.

love-cognizance that is right now appearing as you.Eventually. Can you sing aloud each one of these words as a sacred expression of the unconfined. or remaining blithely ignorant of how your actions are affecting others. Sacred chanting. people realize that nothing needs to be done so that this moment. Can’t. alive as knowing and feeling. gesture. living open as you.” moving your fingers this way or that—their meaning depends on which of the three above-mentioned possibilities you are selfing as. is wide open. luminous as love. each self can move amongst these three possibilities. rather than wandering and getting lost in the realms of meaning. being an agnostic one moment. all others. and the world? Can you learn to offer energy—all energy—as love’s gift? Can you train to say. or thought—seems to mean. train to remember its nature as love’s indestructible openness.” Regardless of what any moment—any word. “cunt. Nothing needs to be done. Runt. “You are a cunt” with the same heart -melodious endowment as. and open as love’s effortless enactment in another moment. luminous. including its appearing selves. so that the energy of all meaning is effortlessly and spontaneously transparentized as Waiting to Love Page 154 . “I love you. Training helps stabilize your appearing-self’s capacity to recognize and relax as the openness that always is. for this to be so. or not done. Of course. Cunt. saying. appearing while awake or dreaming. a true believer the next.

. Utterly forgotten. ever able to feel and know. Persistently training in this spontaneous way. all meaning is vanished as openness itself. and thinking —as dense or obstructive as they may currently seem —are instantaneously opened as blessing rituals of offering.ripples of openness by your relaxed recognition (repeated gently as unforced rerecognition in the next moment as action and meaning shine open). action. all speech. whether or not something is happening or anything is ever remembered. until their inevitable disappearance.

Wasps have built cozy. With a shift in attention. no-separation feels open as unconfined cognizant appearance— the light that appears is also the open space that knows and feels. navigating around them. Open space. I’m working on a computer writing these words.15. I don’t know what the spider sees or hears or feels. mud-daubed homes above my doorway. No computers or windows or lakes. Three Aspects of Now The ardor chills us which we do not share. —Coventry Patmore The things of life seem to have value. and outside people are swimming in a lake not far from my window. continuing its day. we can inhabit other realms. Simply closing our eyes and relaxing. still feeling a “me” that is viewing those places. Waiting to Love Page 156 . perhaps feeling the lives of spiders and wasps. knowing. allows us to feel domains not so familiar during our normal day. We can traverse various psyche-scapes. With deeper relaxation. letting the stream of thoughts eventually quiet down. shining. A spider lurches on the windowsill. encountering obstacles. feeling. but it seems to be choosing its paths.

we can learn to feel the spider’s “inner” psyche-scape. Openness that can know and feel is always its nature. or an individual’s stream of thoughts. but we can feel these three aspects of now somewhat distinctly. then its capacity to know and feel. Our finally appearing self is never apart from the space-like openness or its capacity to know and feel. but instead of a horse. feeling more as openness. Our love thereby deepens. seemingly so solid and anchored. is a quivering soon-to-be forgotten display of conscious light. and luminosity—then the non-necessity of anything that appears is freedom. right now. This is similar to a rider learning to tune into his or her horse’s feelings. We can feel any person or spider while also training to feel the openness-cognizance that is shining as whatever is. curtailing less as fear. and then the arising energy or light that we call our current world. If we train to simultaneously feel all three of these aspects of the now moment— openness. cognizance. With training. . To be free is to love without necessity.A three-step unfolding takes place instantaneously: First is the unconfined space-like openness. Our current world and self. To love is to feel without fear. including our current self. radiating more as freedom. one can learn to feel the experience-stream of just about anything or anyone.

I can only feel their “minding. and compare what we feel. Can I predict someone’s exact thought? No.” like the meaning of a dance done with thoughts rather than with physical gestures. Can I prove it? I can only confirm it with other people appearing in this current world who can relax their attention to feel as the spider. Waiting to Love Page 158 . I feel the open space that is the capacity to feel the shower. you may also begin to feel how they happen. Not even mine. As you train to feel every seemingly solid self and world happening. Can I read somebody else’s mind? No. its capacity to know and feel. or appearance as the alight display of energy. Openness feels alight as the sensations of a self that is showering. rather than “here” in my current self’s thoughts and typing. and worlds. Standing in the shower.This capacity to feel appearing selves “from the inside” is merely a possible by-product of training to feel the threefold happening of now: it’s openness. like feeling what my horse wants. I feel the water on my skin. as selves. and its luminosity. I can equally inhabit the spider on my windowsill by relaxing attention from writing. allowing the center of feeling to drift over “there” to the spider.

We probably have all had hunches that proved true.” Like a flower’s scent. many dimensions of our being are far outside the limitations of our capacity to perceive our self or now-world. We are like a flower shining in a world of colors that we don’t even know exists. or what anything is. or maybe we dreamed of events that actually happened later. apart from our appearing-self’s instrumentation: brain damage or a few tweaks to our neurochemistry can dramatically change what appears to be. or even what its borders are.What does a spider know of itself? Who do we think we are? I assume that a flower cannot see its own color or smell its own scent. We will never know the whole of what we are. while awake. I am aware of my currently appearing body: I can see it in a mirror. . A scientific instrument might pick up the electromagnetic fields that would register as “my body. I assume a spider cannot see the same stars in the sky as I see. and I can feel it kinesthetically. and never will.” My “smell body” might be stronger to a dog than my “shape body. But a snake might see my body as heat. perhaps indistinguishable from the heat of the shower’s water. In the shower. the water splashing on its surface and its orientation in gravity. We are already touching much more than our currently appearing outlines seem to allow.

however. each appearing self is equipped quite differently. we may or may not hear certain frequencies in the music surrounding us that others—dogs and young children. the capacity to know and feel always exists if any thing or self ever seems to exist. reappears. is obviously being known and felt as it appears. even more so for the stars millions of light-years away. That is. even if we can never know what anything really is other than what it appears to be—a spontaneous and dreamlike appearance. Any world or self that seems to be. The nature of that which can feel and know and love and shine is unconfined selfexisting openness. already guarantees that we can only see the past. shifts. for instance—may easily hear. A wave of compressed air can hit our eardrum. and disappears. its apparent stretch of time and space. Waiting to Love Page 160 . and. Within every experience of any waking or dream world. unanchored by any reality that may or may not be “out there” right now. depending on our age and auditory acuity. as are each world’s laws of physics. regardless of what seems to appear for now.The simple delay in time between the moment a photon hits our retina —causing a chain of chemical and electrical events in our nervous system —and the moment when a picture arises in our consciousness.

crawling in our nostril. never knowing Shakespeare. Hence. But if we are not ready for it. the nature of now. but the writer. as well as mine and yours. perhaps. open love. “Who am I? Where am I?” Not the spider. We may clench in fear and grasp for an identity. said I. for fear of falling into total unknowingness. bacterial. Other than noticing the appearance that we can feel now—which has already disappeared without a trace—we can never know what anything really is. or. This openness of feeling is love. all familiar worlds and selves are at odds with unfabricated. automatically seeking spidery.Love. and the bacteria’s too. and every appearing individual is a selfing assemblage. then a glimpse of unfabricated openness is horrifying. We may wake up in the morning and not know who we are or where we are. while each flower’s color remains invisible to . or the joys of breastfeeding. human familiarity. is the nature of the spider’s world. A fabricated world of a known self with a remembered history knowing its place in a familiar world is what we are sustaining. or the horrors of human war. Familiarity—the opposite of love’s ever-fresh openness—is necessary for the reassuring sense of any appearing world and self. or openness. for now. The nature of any moment is full-feeling openness.

If we are so inclined. Our heart ceases to clench. we can compassionately ritualize love’s offering as art. And thus. so as not to shock those accustomed to familiar human value and meaning. knowing nature of whatever is showing. Waiting to Love Page 162 . our values and meanings of the human domain are replaced by the spontaneous display of openness. Spiritual training involves finding out. again and again. without a doubt. knowing nature of now—whether or not we are familiar with who and where we are. trusting to splay as the living light of this moment’s open showing. we can help undo the grip by which the need for familiarity jars love in a fabricated world of fear. cognizant luminosity of love is sufficient. perhaps. Remembering to trust love’s conscious luminosity. The open. regardless of how much of the moment is actually visible to us. even as empty. lucid darkness. then our body—waking or dreaming or dying—relaxes. unbound. whorled by now-appearing habit and physics.itself—and thus without value or meaning—in the very world familiar to the flowers. whatever appearances happen to shine. When we practice trusting the open. that this is so. for ourselves. We can practice to remember and feel the open.

participating in relationships. —Bertrand Russell I am startled to have been born human. partaking in art. Multiple sclerosis and visions of Jesus are both easily accessible to me as whole-body experiences. For some reason. being with family. making love. Eating. Frankly. equally fully. which is the exact opposite. understanding science. . I don’t like the human domain of experience. I have been born with the odd capacity to experience and enact just about anything I want—well enough so that others are sure it is real—and I have already experienced and enacted everything I have ever wanted. making money. Where Is Up? What is wanted is not the will to believe. feeling nature. but the will to find out. beholding mystical visions: all of it feels like an intrusion. defecating.16. and never have. I can feel. what it would be like to have a penis or a vagina as my genital.

If you are like most people. In such a dream.I am shocked. The direction of up in a dream is just a dream-feeling—it bears no relationship to the physical earth and sky of the waking-state landscape. down and up and left and right are all your dream-feelings. The space in which a dream takes place is altogether a dream-space. Let us start with what seems an easy entry into what is and what isn’t one’s human experience. constantly. When you dream. you have dreamed of flying. Waiting to Love Page 164 . although the directions seem as real as while awake. where is up? “Up” is a word that indicates a direction relative to “down. you can soar upward. But I also resist it when I mistake it for what it is not. as your body lies in bed. As real as it feels. But in a dream. by being a human.” which usually means up is toward the sky and down is toward the earth. gliding up off the ground. moving left and right through space. up and down indicate directions in a dream world.

for instance while driving a car. If you tell someone to “Go down!” the feeling is usually more intense than “Go left!” Directions have feelings associated with them. which people rarely confuse. Brain damaged patients. you are not likely to mistakenly climb down the tree. Up feels “higher” whereas down feels “lower. dream-up feels away from dream-down. whereas up and down are quite firmly established and frequently emotionally charged. While driving. accidentally—even in a dream. left and right (while dreaming or awake) are directions with less emotional feeling invested in them than up and down. Many people confuse left and right while awake or dreaming. If you are clinging to the middle of a tall tree and somebody tells you to climb up and go right. Although a few human cultures use their right hand for greeting others and their left hand for .What are the qualities of this dream-feeling of upness? For those of us who have flown in dreams. or up and down. you have probably confused left and right more often than you have confused forward and backward. Up feels more open than down. and they are mostly the same feelings whether we are awake or dreaming. although you may climb left. Left and right are barely distinctive compared with forward and backward. as well as non-human primates and mammals.” In general. often can’t tell the difference between right and left at all.

cleansing themselves. and especially what do you feel in your emotional “body.” or the domain where you feel emotions? While looking with closed eyes in each of the four directions. right. and feel whatever you feel. feeling from your heart area as you would while viewing an emotion-laden photograph or painting. where heaven abides.” Try this experiment: Close your eyes. Then look upward. row. While looking in each direction with your eyes closed. row your boat Waiting to Love Page 166 . still with your eyes closed. both emotionally and visually: “Today. do your best to be very sensitive. What do you feel in your physical body. or down? Why? Why is there any difference in feeling-tone at all? You probably know this children’s song: “Row. Then look right for several seconds and feel whatever you feel. Down is where hell is. but she seemed so up yesterday. almost universally. up. many more cultures have very strict and almost universal rules concerning up and down. she looks really down. Look left and do the same. Down is where subordinates bow. which direction feels best: left. Up is. Up is where royalty or superiors stand. Up is bright and down is dark. Then look downward.

allowing yourself to be absorbed in the light or sound above—work equally well while you are dreaming. merrily. when it comes to “up” and “down. . or receiving energy or commandments that seem to come down from above. such as the movie. Whatever domain you seem to inhabit. The point is. Many meditative practices (and even some forms of prayer) involve feeling upward. whether you are dreaming right now. These same meditative exercises—for instance. There is no way to tell. As everybody knows. sometimes when you are dreaming you assume that it is real. merrily. Life-as-a-dream is a staple image of both Eastern and Western philosophy and religion.” it doesn’t matter if you are dreaming or not.Gently down the stream Merrily. which has no necessary relationship to the physical earth and sky. there is an “up” and “down” feeling -direction. merrily Life is but a dream. seeing lights or hearing sounds from above. The Matrix.” The metaphor that life is but a dream is as familiar to today’s children in New York as it was to Lao Tsu in ancient China. and is also an essential element to the plots of many stories. in fact.

while dreaming. smell. The feeling of upness precedes your particular experience. (Many afterdeath reports involve the feeling of going up and out the top of the head or moving up toward the light. your now-appearing environment is pervaded by a more fundamental sense of directionality that is feelingly-present with or without the particular appearance of your now-environment. while meditating. The feeling of upness is more real—more consistent and less changing—than any object. while awake or dreaming. or place you can see. money. taste. Waiting to Love Page 168 . or science. upness is prior to waking and dreaming.) And the feeling of directionality is just one of the fundamentals of experience that is more true or consistently present than the particular objects and activities that occur while waking and dreaming. Upness is something that can be felt even in meditative domains wherein your body and the perceptual world entirely dissolve. person.Anything that is consistent through different domains—equally true while waking or dreaming or meditating. touch. That is. Your human environment has an “up” to it because. art. including sex. it infuses the waking or dreaming landscape with a sense of directionality. for example—is probably not dependent on the “rules” of one of those domains. now. or hear. and perhaps even before birth and after death. whatever and wherever “you” are altogether.

Finally. and yet I was still aware of riding my bicycle. relationship. and you will tend to notice the light or sound that precedes and comes down to take shape as this more superficial or lower human environment of separate bodies and minds. as a child. and that is what you will tend to notice: money. Unending depth is the dimensionless home of our being. I was going nowhere that I wasn’t already. and the entire surroundings seemed like a faint movie projected on glass. the more time becomes space. I was riding my bicycle. and you and I are creating our environment by where we place our attention.Once. Suddenly. or became utterly transparent. and serving your community for year after year. as if it had no necessity or importance whatsoever. so that another depth became clear. everything shifted so that my body. until nothing is happening but isness. And then another shift occurred. Close your eyes and concentrate on “up” for year after year. Through the transparent images on the glass I saw and felt a depth of reality far more fundamental—like the sense of upness that persists through waking and dreams—than riding my bicycle. The lower you go—which means more superficial and less depth—the more that the sense of “happening” constrains infinity into a series of specific experiences. enjoying a relationship. . community. Concentrate on making money. and so on. the bicycle. every depth just disappeared. The higher you go.

However. so they watch the business news on TV instead of contemplating upward. The more you want something to happen. including multiple inner selves and outer selves. For a feeling-sense of different densities of Waiting to Love Page 170 . are motions in time. more people prefer the tension of attending to the fluctuating stock market than the fullness of light-bliss afforded by closing your eyes and feeling upward. the more you suffer darkness and being “down. And more people prefer feeling the bliss of the higher light than feeling nothing at all. of every kind.Each of us are choosing the density of our experience—darker or lighter. and so they attend to their contemplative vision with the same desire as if it were the stock market. The higher domains are more spacelike and unchanging. lower or higher—by desiring varying degrees of time-happenings. unfolding as distinct objects in motion and relation. and the lower domains are more full of time.” Close your eyes and feel upward into the light—only do that—and you will suffer less than if you invest all your money in the stock market and watch the stock-ticker fluctuating moment by moment. All experiences. rather than feeling so openly nothing happens but God—the unspeakable domain that is— beyond and including all domains of time and experience. or the more happenings you want to occur.

The domain prior to the directionality-domain is even more spacious.distinctions. Domains of experience range from the lower ones. and the higher domains are less dense with distinction and change than the lower. bombs. or that you were a man. then you learn to read words whole (and the meaning becomes more obvious with less time necessary). As we have seen. filled with conflicting subjective distinctions — doubts. unfolding with more distinctions in time—they are therefore more frantic and tense or hellish—to those upper domains that are freer of time and more spacious. . until the obvious meaning of the unchanging words on the unchanging space of the page is almost instantaneous. closer to eternal and unchanging. the relatively unchanging feeling of upness infuses the ever-changing happenings of the waking and dreaming domains. imagine you were a majestic bird flying through the silent space of an objectless sky. You first sound out the letters one after another (which takes time). first you make much of low-level distinctions. and flying bullets everywhere. and judgments—fighting a war surrounded by hundreds of objective distinctions in time: other fighters. To illustrate this process: When learning to read as a child. with less happening in time and more obviousness apparent without the need for time. fears.

for instance.” or experience event after event. Whether dreaming or waking. like in a dream. as letters on a page that only seem to make sense when felt moving through time. Then. and certainly uninteresting. All the coming and going. and you are attending to the timely distinctions and events—sounding out letter after letter—as your human interest requires. there must be other people that come and go in time. are appearing. emotion after emotion. once the meaning of the entire domain —the unchanging page or “space” of waking or dreaming—is obvious. When you are uninterested enough in these human events—when they are sufficiently transparent—so you are free to attend to what is obvious before the need for time. in every domain. lower and higher. your suffering—your attention only to time’s more Waiting to Love Page 172 . To satisfy your human need to experience intimacy (which always comes in a pair with aloneness). Spending the time to “sound out the letters one after another. less time is necessary and the meaning of what appears in space is more obvious. as part of a domain that feels necessary for as long as its meaning is yet unobvious. all the others and you. or before this moment comes into a sequence of time—you will feel nothing happening. and therefore sounding out the letters is still interesting. what is prior to even upness—before you were born into a domain of directionality. “you” are appearing in this domain right now. spelled out exactly as everything that is happening in time.With practice. is unnecessary.

. then in those moments my attention relaxes as love’s knowingness and everything becomes obvious as love’s spontaneous swell. except for love? The mother of time and the home of all ups and downs: love. And for as long as I am effortlessly aware of this choice as I am doing it. But I’m obviously interested enough to continue choosing it. Otherwise. this moment-by-moment time-making motive of creating distinctions with my attention—in every moment I am open enough to feel this choice to find meaning in time. instantly. already. to feel others come and go. to feel a direction in which to move.shallow appearances—is a matter of choice. very little that appears in the time of the human domain. I am interested in very. Honestly. to fly. as if in a bad dream —forgotten to have been made by the choice to want something to happen in time. which is quite shallow and ever-changing. making evident the deep heart -meaning of all happenings. and there is no excuse for resistance to what appears. to sound out the letters. Love is where up—and everything that can ever happen anywhere—always is. And why would I (or you) want something to happen. I feel resistant and stuck.

find out what is. Waiting to Love Page 174 . and you are willing to feel before there is any space of directionality.When time is not necessary for meaning.

whatever it is. By “spiritually developed. or to recognize the mysterious world for what it most deeply and fully is. but I’ve also met people who are a lot smarter than I am. . human-size is in the middle between the largest and the smallest. I’ll also assume that I’m in between the least and most spiritually developed people who have ever lived. to offer their deepest gifts.” I mean people who are capable of feeling open as what is— whatever is—without fear or hope distorting their capacity to love. with roughly the same order of magnitude of magnification—when it comes to size. It is useful to consider oneself this way. —Xenophon As a matter of course. For instance. humans find themselves in the middle.17. I’ll consider myself in the middle. A lot of people seem like morons to me. in the middle. For convenience. science has been able to peer up to the stars and down to the atoms. The Art and Politics of Is Those who will not labor mightily on their own behalf shall be given other masters.

Their tension and fear is obvi ous. except in moments that entertain us. and emotions—and there are people more open than us. let’s just assume that we are in the middle. There are people who are more closed than us—afraid. It’s easy to feel somebody more closed than us. Thus. Since our capacity to perceive is limited and filtered by our own tension. Without adequate training. Then. destructive. It’s the same with spiritual Waiting to Love Page 176 . we can’t tell the difference—although it is easy to tell if someone is worse at math than ourselves. Most of us aren’t too willing to train. whose experience we couldn’t fathom. year after year. or painter does. unable to feel anything but their own tension. selfish. vindictive. like a master dancer. really open people tend to be much less visible to us than really closed ones. For similar reasons. musician. a trained mathematician is required to notice the difference between a good and a really great mathematician. someone more open than us may remain invisible—except for short periods of time while we consent to be entertained by their openness. so that love’s openness can be sustained for longer durations of artful moments. We can only feel as open as we are willing and enabled through our born capacities and our training. thoughts. shortsighted. you and I. we aren’t required to sustain their degree of love’s fearless expression for longer than an hour or two.So.

However. terrified neurotics are easier to spot than those far more open than ourselves. grinding their jaw. and murmuring to themselves—then we might want to take a shower. although each individual has his or her own taste in art —and a certain amount of training is necessary even to be entertained by the more sophisticated styles of dance or sports. and we value the effects of openness more than closure. loving. we can feel some difference as we resonate with those around us. If we spent time hanging around really tense and self-enclosed people—imagine being packed into a small asylum cell with crazy droolers. because the artful openness you feel through temporary resonance is worth it. sensual. humorous. and mind open you. A great performer’s trained body. speech. have a drink. consensually acknowledged by an audience willing to pay money for the experience.development: the heart-closed. Spending time stuck in an elevator with the most open. insightful and relaxed people you have ever met. amongst whom it is difficult to differentiate the mildly gifted from those supremely artful at love’s offering. You are willing to pay to watch trained dancers or athletes whose bodies are more open than yours. . cringing. might be the best time of your life—if you could relax enough to feel their openness without fearful resistance. all fidgety. and that makes for a wonderfully artful experience. and shake off the lingering memories as quickly as possible.

Although some people have developed extraordinary art in a specific domain—ballet or basketball. so valuable that others consider it a blessing to behold? Why don’t we train so that our life is more capable of resonating others open. and then g o home. there are more closed than open people. and shrink back to their familiar schlumpy life.Openness is valued. Why don’t we live our brief life as art. say. though few are willing to train enough to sustain great openness — bodily. mentally. Compared to an emergency situation. but it seems that most people are so closed to the truth of what is. halfway up a pyramid—there is more mass below you than above you. most people are rather nonchalant about how they spend their day. perhaps—few have trained to live an awesomely artful life. emotionally. rather than spending so much time fidgeting and talking to ourselves. To be in the middle is to be. or spiritually. Most people would prefer just to pay and be resonated open by the gifts of somebody else’s training. Everybody is dying—the whole pyramid of humans can see that. Does the greater mass of people seem more open or more closed to you? How many people are you willing to pay to watch dance—or talk or sit or sing—compared to those who you are not willing to pay? Perhaps I’m wrong altogether. enclosed in our own thoughts and emotions? Waiting to Love Page 178 . that they don’t even live as if they are going to die. Relative to us.

you are acting ignorant of your impending death. speech. as well as for the sake of others.How deeply do you want to love. The lower on the pyramid. You are acting-out lower on the pyramid than those who are dedicated to living artfully. But. Most politics is geared for more ignorant people. speech. encapsulated in their own vicissitudes of body. before you die? If you are not living on the basis of this feeling. . and in the current phase of his or her life. the less lovingly responsible one has the capacity to act. with the humor of knowing that it all disappears one way or another. Everything from straightjackets and medication to speeding tickets and laws against spousal abuse are for the good of the many whose love-response is limited by their untrained habits and rather ungraceful selfing of body. and mind. and therefore the more rules and regulations must be imposed for one’s own sake. People can move up and down the pyramid of openness. offering every gesture of love that they can. in any particular moment. and mind. although not everyone would agree with our assessment. like gauging the heart-touching capacity of an exhibition of nude photography—is it art or pornography?—we can make a majority consensual assessment of where somebody is on the pyramid. Someone’s capacity to feel and act lovingly without self-spasming limitation varies moment by moment and year by year. what do you want to give.

The lower on the pyramid we are, the less lived-art is visible through the cage of our own tension. The higher on the pyramid, the less lived-art there is—the human domain seems like a nightmarish vision of jealousy and aggression—since most human expressions are lower on the pyramid. The horde is twisted by tighter habits of closure compared to our mid-degree of native openness, which in turn would seem nightmarish to someone higher yet. Therefore, we tend to recognize only art lived at our level. Below us, we want to regulate their spastic and tension-driven behavior. Above us, we are suspicious of their motives, and we project our own I-am-real needs—superimposing our fearful requirements for self-protection, self-worth, and self-aggrandizement—onto their more spontaneously born behaviors of love. Bluntly stated, politics is geared for the horde, which believes in a world-out-there and a me-in-here, worthy of acknowledgment, love, and kindness. This belief is akin to thinking that the earth is flat and at the center of the sun’s orbiting. Yes, the earth does look flat, and the sun does seem to be circling around the earth. But people who have dedicated their lives to discovering a deeper truth would know these apparent things just seem that way. A round earth revolving around the sun is a deeper truth than a flat earth at the center of the sun’s orbit—but it takes training to see this for yourself. And even when you do see Waiting to Love Page 180

it, not much difference is made in how you live your life, unless you choose to train your appearing self to create a deeper art or science from your deeper perspective of truth. It took humans millions or hundreds of thousands of years (depending on what you call the first “human”) to realize this deeper truth as a horde. There are probably people on earth today who still believe in a different view, lower on the pyramid, unwilling or unable to train enough to understand that things aren’t as they seem, that the earth isn’t flat and is not at the center of the sun’s orbit. And from above us on the pyramid, there has been reported a view in which there are no solid humans on a concrete earth—at least in the conventional way that such fabricated substantiality is assumed. Your spiritual eyes only have to be opened by one experience—perhaps through drugs, meditation, or direct resonance from someone higher on the pyramid whose art is potent enough to bless you—to realize that everything you perceive is an actively arising vision, vanishing in each instant of appearance, while the openness whose capacity to know and feel remains as the essential constancy of every now—even if right now you are dreaming, or awake, or have just died and don’t know it yet. The now-appearing earth of our awake state is more accurately described as roughly spherical than as flat, but a deeper truth is that the earth—as part of the entire universe of our experience—is appearing. A spontaneous

appearance seeming as the light of openness is the basis for all our philosophizing and complaining, all our working and striving. The mechanics of this appearance can be described by a physics, which is also arising in the mindstream of those appearing along with you. Another world would have its own physics, such as the world of a dream, or more subtle worlds that are coincident with our usual waking world, but of which the larger mass of the pyramid is totally unaware — except during bizarre bleed-throughs of eerie hunches and unexplainable visitations of unearned certainty that engender true faith and devotion in a “higher power.” People are dying on this planet because of political policies that regulate power: This power strongly influences who can eat sufficiently and who can’t. Who gets bombed and who receives funding. And all of it is a vision arising as the living light of consciousness. The painful power struggles and the visionary aliveness are both true, although one truth is shallower and more transient, and one truth is deeper and more timeless—true of all worlds, even hellish and paradisiacal dream worlds, not just the waking state world of our usual human perception. How do we create a political agenda that takes both of these truths, and many more, into account? First of all, in today’s world, so few people view this world as an arising, that taking them into account may not be necessary. Furthermore, these few people are difficult to find because they are often Waiting to Love Page 182

invisibly deeper, unless they choose to speak up. Then, the hordes usually kill them or write them off as crazy—unless the mob is sufficiently entertained, in which case rituals born of openness become recognized as art. But let’s assume that in the future, love’s deeper currents emerge through more people, not just a few artful gifters who feel this world and themselves as the living light of an arising vision. Our earth is an appearance, along with all of its peoples, including you and I. It all disappears in sleep and death. Our lifespan on this earth is infinitesimal compared to the time we are not on this earth alive as the person we are now. And yet love dictates our offering, for as long as we appear. When we aren’t giving our lives for the sake of others, then we suffer and create suffering. This suffering is also as insubstantial as a dream-feeling. Still, we are moved by it in this human domain in which we appear. We are moved by love to minimize suffering and act for the sake of others. When we don’t, we feel ungiven and therefore unfulfilled. However, even when we do act for the sake of others, we still feel unfulfilled. Why? Because a deeper truth is that there are no separate selves, only one appearing vision that includes the appearance of separate selves, all of whom are of the nature of openness, cognizant and alive as love.

We can feed our children. apart from its now-seeming as the radiance of cognizant openness. openness temporarily alight as the world. we don’t have trouble with flat maps.Acting for the sake of others while also recognizing there are no others is fairly easy. all spontaneously displaying as love’s light. The “I” Waiting to Love Page 184 . We can serve others with more humor. and having trained to walk as infants. We still say “sunrise” and “sunset” instead of saying that the earth is spinning in orbit so we are gaining or losing sight of the sun. with some practice in learning how to read and navigate. We can offer our love and service to others without limiting our view to that of believing the hordes are “other. feeling the entire world as an arising vision. even though it is curved. more inclusive truth.” The hordes are us. swirling in patterns set in motion by other patterns of appearance. It is easy to act in accordance with lower truths while still holding the view of a higher. although it requires training. eventually to disappear. We are limited by the habits of the appearance (because “we” exist as an aspect of the appearance). but that doesn’t mean our presence needs to be limiting. We can work to minimize environmental destruction. knowing it is all a ritual of offering in a world that doesn’t last or even exist. we don’t have trouble acting as if the earth’s surface were level. After all. knowing they will die any day. The mass of humanity as it appears is as much a part of this vision—equally as integral to the whole—as our own lofty position in the middle.

the middle. love relaxes as an ongoing offering. left and right—the hordes in all directions—co-arise with each “I”. Politics helps to reinforce its people’s swirling patterns. In any case. and thus lower and higher. receivable by those willing to open likewise. unless they find it entertaining enough.always feels as the center. you can recognize that you always are this openness in which nothing is retained and all possibilities arise. selves are appearing and disappearing in the true “who” of unconfined cognizant luminosity. With consistent practice as a surrendering-to-love artist in any appearing world. Recognizing your natural openness amidst all conditions of life. right now. The largest human mass is swirling with the belief of a solid world in three-dimensional space populated by separate people that we lose awareness of when we fall asleep and gain awareness of when we awake. . Your selfing becomes a ritual offering. a living art. spit upon or unnoticed by others. there will come a time when you remember nothing at all. This is exactly the opposite to what is obvious from a deeper view—the worlds of waking and dreaming spontaneously ripple as the openness that always is. even in a dream. Love’s spontaneity reigns even while the suffering of apparent others moves the apparent you to devote your entire life to serving all to your fullest capacity in every dream and waking moment.

the shape of which is more-or-less artfully enmeshed within the human habits whorling as love’s light. also. Waiting to Love Page 186 . one can engage a ritual of offering.So. Or. One can put on a straight face and answer as if one were replying to a child’s question of why his or her doll doesn’t like green pea soup. One can laugh. for the most part—and that feeling arises as rippled openness. jaw grinders asking questions to a “me” in the middle. fidgety dolts. what do you say in an appearance where people believe in a solid world that exists out there—or a flat earth around which the sun revolves—when they ask you about anything? One feels surrounded by well-meaning. seeming like thought-twitching. lovelorn. politically active.

The streaming of our physical body feels denser.18. Time to get out of bed. Had we been born as a fly. we would not be sitting at the table eating with a spoon. Had we been born malformed. with compound eyes and wings. Where is that cereal? Pour the milk. another day of normal human appearance. Yet. more solid. but time is all it takes. Remember to take the turkey out of the freezer to defrost. —Bernard De Fontenelle We look at our cornflakes in the morning and consider our day. eating. Okay. Perhaps we are having breakfast with our lover and children. the streaming of our thoughts is more persistent and prior to the streaming of our bodily motions. . than the streaming of our emotions or thoughts. But here we are. On Cornflakes and Free Will It takes time to ruin a world. our arms may not function sufficiently to feed ourselves. Moving our arm to bring the spoon of cornflakes to our mouth feels more concrete than moving our thoughts.

lit up as parts of the inner and outer dreamWaiting to Love Page 188 . The answer lies in the mechanics of their mutual arising. although the opposite is less true—our body can remain motionless without decreasing the actions of our mindstream.Without the movement of our thoughts. We are moved by depths and dimensions of currents far beyond our capacity to perceive.” philosophically speaking.” or the “hard problem. “mind-body problem. given the limitations of our appearing self. In a dream. Behind our thoughts and emotions are even more subtle—more persistent and motivating—currents. which are prior to the mindstream of which we are aware. Our thoughts and emotions are prior to our body—even our dream-thoughts are prior to our dream-body. perhaps motivating our eating motions in the appearance of a dreambreakfast. The so-called. is how do the mind and body influence each other. the mind and body are being dreamt—they are arising simultaneously. and the physics or laws by which the usually-invisible underlying currents give rise to both biochemical changes in the appearing brain and simultaneous psychological changes in the appearing mindstream. One character in an animated TV show doesn’t influence another character at all. both are arising by the unseen mechanics of the animator and the technology of television. our body is less motivated to act.

Some of our undercurrents were set in motion by the activities of our human ancestors. and secure food. and going to work. getting out of bed. Your . We are moved in our pattern of eating by mammalian. even all mammals. dying of cancer. Our mindstream also flows with eddies that are more personally swirled. and chug through a work day—as well as remember yesterday. eating cornflakes. shaped by the economies of agricultural production in Eastern Europe or the vagaries of Saharan droughts. By normal human habit. Meanwhile. build a home. In our waking world. but our surface-selfing—the appearance of me in a world—is merely expressing these currents. racially and historically. for instance—are shared with all—although the dream mind does seem to influence the dream body from within the dream. in our dream or waking worlds. while we chew our mouthful of milk and cornflakes. we pay greatest attention to the most superficial aspect of our currents of being. ancestral. understand English. some of these burbling subtleties—currents associated with our basic urge to have sex. a riot of subtle commotion is burbling beneath the surface. pour our cereal. These unseen currents are actually causing us to rise from slumber. We think we have a choice. as well as by subtle currents of which most people remain unaware. and personal currents of motivation. and secretly aspire to whatever private perversions most enthrall us. as we think about our close friend.

through NLP or Rolfing or surgery or medication or feeding the homeless or building satellites—is simply a result of your mindstream motivating you to enact a behavior. If you allowed your attention to relax more open. which is included in the swirling. Anything you try to do you are trying to do because these currents are moving as the appearing you-trying-to-do.motivation to read these words has been swirled into being by countless effects. Your self’s adventure—seeking love. the algae that helped create oxygen on this planet’s atmosphere. your personal life would be subsumed in the depths of sublimity. trying to decide between grape or strawberry jam is the rippling of your mindstream swirling in the shape of that decision. and subtle forces that motivate its flow. And your mindstream is quite superficial to all the evolutionary. At breakfast. Limiting your attention to the surface of appearance makes the story of your life stand out from infinity. Any change you achieve in your self or world—say. and success as a human—would seem like a barely intriguing dream. the cells of your pancreas. freedom. the invention of written language to tabulate grain overstock. Waiting to Love Page 190 . the extinct predators of proto-primates. ancestral. lingering a bit as it evaporates. Your sense of a self in a world. including the sensation that you have made a choice to read this.

arising as the noticeable aspects of unfathomably complex currents below the surface of appearance.the ever-evolving archetypes of the collective human psyche-pool. your deepest insights into the nature of God—these are all spontaneous and habitualized swirls of love’s openness. humans find themselves in the middle of the appearing-world’s variance. These currents are more or less congealed as habits. subtle and obvious —including everything from the influence of our sister’s preference for a certain . We can relax. The speed of light seems even more stable. not the motivations that do or do not swirl. the realm we call. but often imperceptibly slowly. an assemblage of streams. the tree is growing slower. unless we look closely at data coming from trillions of light years away. like the shape of a growing tree. and the appearing habit of the waking world we call the “speed of light” is changing even more slowly. Neural synapses in our brain are firing in patterns faster than we can notice with our naked eye. “our life. appearing dynamically whole as the same tree streaming as a recognizable form. As usual.” For instance. Then we find the very laws of physics are habits slowly changing through time. ever changing. What determines the depth of our life is the depth of our attention. because our motivations are going to happen whether we want them to or not. fast and slow. so that it seems to be an unchanging “law” compared to our human level streamings.

and relax as openness without resistance to feeling anything. today. aging. be willing to suffer your heart’s deepest yearning. Feel prior to all motivation.brand of cereal to the way our Asian. you may be a person who has outgrown the swirl of your so-called life. Feel into why you do anything. Your life feels empty to you. If you are reading these words. or African digestive system has evolved to metabolize milk—adds up to the breakfast part of the story of our life. or when we become so tired at the end of a day that sleep is more interesting than our waking story. Waiting to Love Page 192 . working. If you think you want to die. but so what? If the appearing you in your world feels vacant and your life is no longer heart-moved. For most people. feel where that motivation is coming from. You are going through the motions. dying—is only interesting for so long. Attending to our life’s story day by day—eating. Jewish. then it may be time to reverse the direction of attention. Some people become uninterested in the habit-made story of their life before death or sleep occurs. birthing. Feel everything as deeply as you are willing to open. Feel into the place that makes you want to live at all. Relax your attention from the surface of seeming solidity to the depth of your heart’s motivation. we are motivated to attend to this story right up until about the time we die.

Within any appearance. From outside the appearance—from the “view” of openness itself—any world of . from a tree to the speed of light. but are yet to be seen by the “you” included within the appearance: perhaps blithely chomping on toast or agonizing as your body rots in disease while your spouse dallies with a potential tryst-partner that he or she happened to meet at a grocery store check-out counter. For example. evolutionary and personal habits seem open ended. yet containing the potential for both free will and unforeseeable accidents. So do the “future” effects that co-arise with the entire appearance. Your nature as openness ripples with motivations that appear and disappear. “you” no longer eat breakfast. Then. Repeatedly feel and relax open as the space that shows and knows. but an appearing-self eating cornflakes ripples in and as the openness who you are. and unpredictable. ever-emergent. along with appearing selves that seem motivated—just like the cartoon TV selves that have no intrinsic motivation yet are moved by the animator’s hand and the television’s technology underlying the show. the virtually infinite influences that result in appearance become obvious. your life turns inside out. and especially with the help of someone who is more stable in feeling deep than you are. Even the mindstream that lights up as your thoughts becomes obvious as a burble riding the same currents giving rise to all other appearances.With training. it seems like there is a choice.

so that no appearing self can have access to the entirety of which it is a part. seeming to unfold in time when the you-focal-point is stuck inside the apparent motion created by conscious light folding back onto itself so there can be a “me” in here and a “world” out there. open-endedness. At death. the Spaniards conquering the New World natives—all are intermeshed parts of a whole. pastpresent-future as a whole that doesn’t need time or place to unveil. so I can’t tell you what is going to happen in the future. prior to the localizing of an individual point of view. spontaneously showing and unfathomably complex. released of attention’s focal limitations. the entirety appears at once. Your spouse. Relaxed as the openness that holds all wholes. near and far. all events and every self is appearing spontaneously. I can only communicate to you as a local self. free will. and you will know it is all as it has to and time arises already complete. giving the illusion of evolution. as a whole. From this view of openness. or in deep meditation. However. it is obvious how everything inside and outside. nor can I tell myself—I can’t even describe how my appearing-self’s desire to move my fingers results in their motion. arises simultaneously upon subtle Waiting to Love Page 194 . time and space are as if they had never occurred. the lemurs. and accidents from within any appearance.

currents of habit. And relaxing even deeper as openness, everything that can and will happen is happened, already. Again, you will see this at death, or in deep meditation, if only briefly. Eating cornflakes seems to take time to any individual, and the next moment is unpredictable, although habits make certain outcomes highly probable—and the more re-enforced the habit, the more predictable the outcome. Your entire morning can become a fairly predictable routine, as can cycles of war or ice ages, or big bangs. The whole show—including the breakfast journey and the evolutionary formation of the earth’s atmosphere—is spontaneously arising as a whole, and disappearing instantly, for as long as the habit of attention is interested in this show. Arguments about free will and predetermination, debates about the open-ended nature of the evolution of human consciousness versus the kerchunking inevitability of a preexistent ladder of metaphysical realms—these discussions are most entertaining for individuals still quite riveted by attending to the show, in which a physical body and nonphysical mind seem ontologically separate. All such arguments ease open in obviousness as attention relaxes prior to any world and its selves. Ancestral memories, biological urges, personal whim, product availability—attend to your cornflakes for as long as it’s interesting to do so.

Then, surrender. Surrender to be lived by whatever moves you, if anything does. Your fear to find out what happens when you surrender to be moved only by love’s deepest openness is what motivates you to attend to the surface story, which feels empty and hollow of meaning, because it is. Moment by moment, remember as soon as you notice that you have forgotten: open to be lived by whatever is left when you cease chasing or avoiding anything in the appearance. Eat your cornflakes, until that stops. Then, find out what you do from your deepest heart. Dress your children and send them off to school. Then, find out what you do surrendered as a willing devotee of openness. All the while, feel into the deepest openness that your fear allows, even while the surface show continues, It took hundreds of years for humans, who required millions of years to evolve from nonhuman primates, who spent tens of thousands of years to slowly migrate from Africa to the New World, to eventually domesticate tiny corn nubs into today’s larger edible variety. With every morning mouthful while chewing your tasty flakes, you can continue attending to the stream of this human-domain story—at the expense of noticing its unsatisfactory, never-ending, superficial, and love-meager grind—for as long as you are afraid to relax open and feel deeper. Waiting to Love Page 196

Once history has arisen, you can only go with the flow, which includes your choices and all possible emergent properties of the seemingly open-ended stream of appearances. But if you relax attention, right now, before the appearance of history tumbles you in its cycle, you will discover the openness that is. This openness always knows, feels, and appears as whatever seems to be happening. In the case of any individual consenting to relax thusly, love is free to express spontaneously as grace, arising as a force of blessing within every history-bound stream of seemingly open-ended appearance, unnoticed by those who find cornflakes or the body-mind problem more interesting than the source of love’s animating light.

19. Spontaneous Disinterest
People like to say, “Revolution is beautiful, it is only the terror arising from it which is evil.” But this is not true. The evil is already present in the beautiful; hell is already contained in the dream of paradise. —Milan Kundera Habits are whorls set in motion, continuing due to their own momentum—you call one collection of these whorls, your “life.” Try talking, but not with your own accent. Try brushing your teeth with the other hand. Try not thinking unless thought is necessary in this very moment. We ingrain habits through repetition—the more years we spend hunching our shoulders the more difficult it becomes to unhunch them; the same goes for toothbrushing, sexuality, and linguistic whorls. Our life is styled by habits that we perform over and over. Habits are developed through training, consciously or unconsciously. We can counteract our habits through replacement. Training in a new style of language—Slovenian, say—eventually results in a new linguistic habit, after Waiting to Love Page 198

perhaps—remains latent. . I hope my first appointment is late and I can take the time for some coffee and a muffin. Should I invest in mutual funds now. develop careers. but lingering in the secret closets of our unlived indulgences are the same old desires swirling. Even so. We may scheme to win lotteries. moving around in a world that occupies space—this is a style of thinking. Well. We have been coddled for pleasing our parents and pained by poor business investments. some serious damage could be done. All styles of selfing are styles of sustenance and protection. which we ingrained through years of reward and punishment since our helpless infancy. if it starts leaking. or try to predict our spouse’s next emotional up or down—all for the sake of securing the ongoing habit of our selfing. Assuming that you are a solid self. our old habit—English. or are bonds a better choice? I think the kitchen would look much better if the cabinets were stained a darker shade. because the old grammatical and semantic whorls are well worn in the whorls of our selfing. we develop other whorling momentums of selfing. we may learn new sexual styles. building comfortable houses to protect our possessions and tensions to protect our heart. From this basic flow-style of our mindstream. I really should get around to repairing the roof. there’s a parking place.long practice. Similarly. Thinking is one such habit we have grown accustomed to.

they are just habits. without which we would die. washing clothes. Habits aren’t bad. One habit begets many more. One occurs in the domain of mind. money. picking up milk and bread. we would stop feeding our self. and a sense of self-worth and protection. we will most often find our mindstream strategizing for comfort and security with regard to food. Both heart beating and thinking are ongoing streaming habits. We put a fence around our pool so the kids don’t accidentally fall in. Motion continues in motion. moment by moment. generating offshoot currents: the ancient habit of sex inherited from millions of years of evolution.The habit of our thought stream is no different from the habitual beating of our heart. generates nursing babies. and so forth. We all intuit there is more to life. Unless our mindstream indicated where to find food and how to put it in our mouth. the other in the domain of body. and we Waiting to Love Page 200 . sex. Since most people are rather self-centered. even pre-nuptial agreements and written business contracts are useful for retaining a sense of future security. and so our mindstream motivates us to write up such agreements. But if we look at how our life is actually spent. paying mortgages. fixing the broken car. family.

a sensual dance—we suffer a droning momentum of habitual selfing. cold beer. sports. conversation. playing with our children before they grow up. I hope nobody walks in while I’m masturbating. feeling we really are making a difference. leave. We forget our mortal suffering by absorbing our attention—the focal point of infinite consciousness—in TV. reading a magazine in the waiting room or on the toilet. movies.make sure the water is chlorinated so swimming is safe. We take vitamins and exercise with the hope that our body will remain strong and healthy long enough to carry on with our habits into old age. we spend countless hours shuffling people at home and papers at work. ice cream. Without suitable distraction—a fine dinner. Now. just another hour before the kids are in bed. For decades. All of our actions—the doings . and I can have a nice. daydreaming. We sense our self-importance through doing our good works socially. taking care of our garden’s spring blooms. we are only habits perpetuating themselves. We arrange regular meetings to reenforce our relationships with family and friends—most of whom we secretly cling to for security of one form or another. where is that chocolate I hid deep in my purse? Ah. and die. Without recognizing the unconfined openness that knows and feels. a stiff drink.

women. Cognac. Imagine turning your head and looking to your right as swords slice the necks of your loved ones. but soon we are reabsorbed in the love-thin. clubbed over and over in paroxysms of anguish or stabbed to death. had never felt metal as hard or sharp as steel. The Native Americans there had never seen horses before. and your husband’s head is held high on the staff of a marauder whose language you can’t understand. Your divinely ordained emperor is unable to stop the slaughter. their limp bodies trampled by Waiting to Love Page 202 . knowing your family and friends are gone. Imagine giant beasts galloping around you as dust swirled with the cries of men. refreshed in the depths where no fear makes doing necessary. Long ago. roses. Thousands of years of habits were abruptly replaced. and oral sex may distract us for a few hours. in what is now South and Central America. and children dying in agony. your daughter is beaten and sexually tortured. except when we are asleep. Your skin is stained with blood as you run for your own life.of virtually our entire human culture—are an effort to fabricate tolerable habits to sustain a self in a world that everyone could enjoy between infancy’s waddle and our last breath. Spaniards invaded and conquered civilizations that had existed for thousands of years. shallow whorl of doings—changing the sheets on our bed or sending food in airplanes to help feed the poor of the world—decade after decade.

Every romantic moment you enjoy. and the airconditioned car you drive with a CD playing tunes derived from African rhythms transmitted from slave hymns to blues. and rock and roll. It is formed by paying human-style attention to the whorling patterns—washing clothes and . Your capacity to read these words was handed to you from a lineage of murderous. and hopefully enjoy. disease-carrying invaders—languages originating in the Americas have all but vanished. is appearing in the stream of a crimson river created by people just like you and I. ours is uniquely human. have been paid for in centuries of blood. as are the engines of the airplanes that carry your donations to the poor. your generous donations. forever. whorling in the habit of securing self and world amidst an equally motivated opposition. Your spoons and forks—whether they were thoughtful wedding gifts or hastily purchased at a neighborhood discount store—are probably built by means of the metallurgical knowhow first brought by the steel-wielding Spaniards to the New World. every Christmas gift that lights up your child’s eyes. If you live in the Americas today. then the descendents of those horses helped build the world you now inhabit and work so hard to maintain.horses ridden by men who would kill for gold while destroying everything you know. jazz. your leisurely masturbation. along with most truly native peoples. Earthworms have their own life story. Your whorling self.

All aspects of us—our heartbeat. or our lover’s nipple. the way we have sex. which re-enforces and adds a thicker sense of a potentially threatened solid self to the swirl. and self-perpetuating. which you will pass on to future generations. our persistent hopes and fears for our family’s future—are streaming aspects of human-habit whorling. be it a sword. our language. Earthworms will never tap dance. as long as they remain humans. There is no way out of this situation. As appearing selfings. And humans will never stop seeking comfort and security in opposition to those who are doing the same. our best intentions inhabited by horrors now unseen. our attention is already flowing in streams habitualized by past victories and losses. just like an Olympic athlete fighting the competition to be worthy of a gold medal) mounts your lover. Horses and steel aren’t the problem. This is the human domain. A rapist (seeking a sense of self-power.feeding the poor—while not relaxing open as the love that shine’s as every whorl’s form. An innocent infant sucking milk from a mother’s breast. as long as they remain earthworms. Every life story is self-creating. a madman (seeking to earn money through Waiting to Love Page 204 . self-serving. courageous Spaniards crushing heathens beneath the hooves of charging beasts for the sake of God’s dominion and gold’s power to secure their family’s future—self-perpetuating selfing is the justification of its own momentum. this is all we are. a swirling of habits enmeshed in history. rose. being made visible right now by your attention.

We can do nothing without trying to do nothing. using a computer built by people who earn less money in a year than you do in a week. Selfing can win temporarily. an oncoming truck (driven by a birthday boy. You can try to change them. who has had one too many drinks) sways into your lane at high speed. At depth. you are not an earthworm —you will react in opposition to these threats as humans do. You will surely spend a lifetime to see the slightest shift toward less suffering for all humanity—and that shift could be destroyed by a single terrorist act or by inevitable global warming. just like someone leveraging a business deal) holds a knife to your child’s throat. or otherwise. we can relax open beyond these habits. but their momentum is strong. celebrating life. alive as the appearance of love’s light: masturbating. although it is still . These are the whorls of human life. changing your baby’s diaper.ransom. and life’s celebration by adding your momentum to the human-style swirl. earthworm. Although there is no way out of the habits that compose our selfing. but the crimson river flows too deep for a few millennia of human goodness to make much difference. we are the openness that knows and feels. dealmaking. simply by recognizing the openness that is the nature of every possible whorl. arguing. You will perpetuate self-empowerment. human. regardless of the habits that swirl.

a comfortable moment of simple delight. Your attention can barely track the whorl of your spouse’s words. Feel everything right now. this very moment. homey. cozy. your attention is loosened through spontaneous disinterest: tasty popcorn. your children’s toys made in the same Japan whose children your elected government chose to annihilate with nuclear weapons. to processed organs and intestines. showing spontaneously as the whole whorling picture. it is the only way to live: for the sake of others. At least practice to feel as much as you can. The severed heads of those whose land you are now living upon are inexorably churned within your enjoyment of popcorn while sitting on your sofa surrounded by those you love. you are missing the deep openness. By feeling every aspect of the whole. If you feel the whole picture of how sausage is made—from pasture. things may feel pretty good right now. Just don’t expect it to reduce the sense of failure or lack of love you feel in your life. Waiting to Love Page 206 . the position of your left ankle. In fact.worth trying. slaughtered Native American families. to plate—it’s likely you’ll lose some interest in eating it. As long as your attention is absorbed in your selfing and its ripples of effect. Ignoring the whole. and thus your attention can more easefully relax open because it is less absorbed in sausage. The whole whorling human domain of habit is arising and disappearing spontaneously. along with your attention.

You can only attend to so much. Earthworms have their circumstance. that is the circumstance of your training. You may have a moment of silence. As it relaxes. your capacity to sustain this relaxed openness is limited by how quickly your attention gets swirled back into the human habits of selfing. all invisible and unnoticed. train to feel the whole —death and life enfolded in the blood-red. your lover doesn’t appreciate you. If you are like most people. allow your attention to open onto its source. However deeply and widely your attention can reach. at the same time. and the pace of your breathing. electromagnetic radiation. which is so little. the garbage needs to be taken out. By feeling the whole. the openness that knows and shows as all. You are being bombarded by neutrinos. the agony and the ecstasy simultaneously. love-white baklava of this moment’s whorling. before your thoughts begin streaming again: you want more sausage. The limitation of our attention—being absorbed in our human-style whorling of appearances—helps us feel comfortable by narrowing our domain of responsibility. gamma rays. your attention is loosened from excessive indulgence. .the TV newsman’s commentary. we have ours. But whatever small collection of whorling appearances you are able to attend to.

If your incessant mindstream seeks or opposes any appearing whorl. a private no-flow in which to hide in peace. as openness. Waiting to Love Page 208 . relax open in the middle. although the show must go on.You can try to pull away from the whorling—effortfully sustaining a kind of unaffected witness—but this. enmeshed in the opposing flows of human history’s river. which gives reason to other selfings to shore up their security in response to you. and you are selfishly securing a personal silence. You. is your selfing. paid for by the blood and love of those whose attention got whorled into the flow of their inherited mindstream. Sway to one side. The momentum of attending to the crimson river styled by human concern instantly vanishes when your interest weakens enough for your selfing to relax as openness. without needing to attend to anything. Sway to the other side. too. but opening as everything. without needing to be free of anything. are free. or if you effortfully pull away as an untouched witness. re-enforcing its security and comfort. you are re-enforcing your habit of selfing. clear water afraid of the river’s whole. and you are swirled into history’s momentum of personal selfing. chock full of your significant yet unfulfilling story. To undo the suffering that your selfing causes.

right now.We can choose to perpetuate or to evaporate our human-style inheritance of attention’s focus. . even as our appearing-self slides between soft bed sheets made of toil that we can barely imagine.

You probably have experienced something like this—losing. we will never be unmarried. you may have had a premonition. But this time I really mean it.20. And the one you spend most of your life with. and you can’t get rid of others. you may not even want. no matter what. “Even though we have divorced. or keeping friends and lovers. Or. you may truly love a number of sexual partners. Nothing can pull our hearts apart. I can’t stand him. gaining. It’s the same with lovers: throughout decades. and then I’ll have to put my foot down and say it’s over. I’ll give it a few more months. intuiting a sense of inevitability about a certain relationship beginning or breaking up. Why do I put up with him? I must be weak. You just know that a relationship “isn’t going to last.” Or you can feel.” Waiting to Love Page 210 . —Stanislaus Lee Some people are your friends because you choose them. even though you don’t really want to. The Glass of Suffering Even the voice of conscience undergoes mutation. but not all of them are yours for life. I know I’ve tried that before and it didn’t work—I couldn’t leave him.

we could then see the obvious pattern of flow underlying the movement of the wafting leaves. but we can see leaves blowing in the swirls of unseen wind. If we could dye the wind. we may suffer unwanted separations and seemingly inevitable unions. We might see a large gust of dyed air approaching the leaves. By relaxing our attention open. . prior to what we usually see. But what we usually see are only the surface waves. rather than just its expression as individuals moving closer together and further apart.From our individual view. and thus predict their sudden dispersal. Air is usually invisible. the currents underneath are what connect the waves and make their shape through time. although to someone who couldn’t see the dyed air. then the notion of an underlying structure of currents that determines each person’s life sounds like a metaphysical theory. we can begin to feel this underlying and usually invisible webwork of connection. apparently separate waves on the surface changing through time. so we could actually view the currents of air as colored swirls. our prediction would seem like a lucky guess. If you have never relaxed your attention wider than the usual sight of people moving near and far. or perhaps a mystical belief. But enough people have opened to view the deeper whole so that this perspective can be confirmed among those who have trained sufficiently to read the obvious currents of formation.

move it! If I’m late I just know she’ll think I don’t love her enough to be on time. children. and others are bound to drift away from you no matter how hard you try to keep them. With practice. I remember my ex-wife was never like that. how I hate those conversations. I better pay more attention to driving. Overall. and the space between. you can feel the pattern of the swirling currents moving you and others like leaves in the wind. lovers. acquaintances—everyone that comes “close” enough for you to experience in your life. What am I going to say to her when I see her? Why is the traffic so slow? C’mon already. rather than drifting into memories of the past or imaginings of the future. This goes for your friends. you can begin to feel that the appearance-realm in and around you is actually a world made of swirling. God. thoughts. I think this is a better….man! I just about hit that car pull ing in front of me. emotions. The bottom line is that you are stuck with some people for life.By relaxing as openness. Waiting to Love Page 212 . Many spiritual teachers and teachings emphasize being here now: remaining in the present. luminous consciousness. She was always late like me. including all selves. arising as a whole. objects. But she had her own problems. The titles of several best-selling spiritual books concern the power of being right here right now.

including all the possibilities that evade your current appearance. You feel up against a limit that you cannot perceive. You will remain with certain friends for life. and scheming—and you are like a fly trying to get through a windowpane. and it can’t see the opening in the window a few feet away from where the fly is trying to enter. The fly doesn’t understand why its attempts fail. Just like we can’t see the gusts of wind but only the leaves that are moved. You are going to marry who you are going to marry. whereas you will drift apart from others. dreaming. You can think about your relationships—hoping. so it keeps flying headlong into the invisible barrier. a fly can’t see the clear glass that stands between where the fly is and where it wants to go. It can’t see the glass. and you are seeking any change in your currently appearing relationships or your professional life. then . while failing to relax your view open enough to make obvious the whole interflowing of currents. although the barriers—the underlying currents that are already moving as you—remain invisible. If you are not relaxing completely open as now. if now is seen from a deeper perspective.Why is being now so important? Because the power of now is otherwise spent attempting to change what is already patterned. You are doing and feeling the same anytime you are not open as now—attempting again and again to move in a direction not available to your appearing self.

then choices are going to occur. The feeling is simply. But there are much deeper currents that would move your life if you would let them. you may decide to just surrender and go with the flow. The currents that constitute the underlying pattern that seems to be happening as your life are deep and multidimensional.” Of course. sometimes the fly and you do manage to stumble upon the opening in the window. “I’m really trying. These deeper currents include the more shallow flow of your ongoing stream of decisions. “The flow” that you might choose to “surrender” to may be only a very superficial flow. and you will fail.” The choices you appear to “make” are determined by deeper currents. even though I love you.” then you are again like a fly trying to do the impossible. but the relationship (or job) just doesn’t seem to be working out. Therefore. But mostly.” “I’ve decided to leave you. and things do go the way you want them to. Believing these words. you are dissatisfied with your efforts and outcomes. Waiting to Love Page 214 . If choices are part of your mindstream. which is not the same as opening now. all of which seem to be evolving due to uncountable influences. “I’ve chosen to write a book. and all of which are already done from a deeper perspective outside of the “time” of any particular depth of are like the fly. like the flow of your thoughts. if you try to not make choices in order to “be now. smashing your head again and again against an invisible wall.

which is natural and inevitable because we are sensitive beings. measurable only by each fly’s suffering and failure to penetrate it.The fly is less evolved than you. I’m not talking about the suffering we experience when we stub our toe. in time. A fly philosopher might write about the evolution of fly knowledge. You might watch the fly with sympathy. you could compassionately cup the fly in your hand and help it move over to the window’s opening. You could save the fly hours of failure because your greater expanse of vision allows you to see. As humans. it must discover the window’s opening. but never able to be seen directly. as it flies into the windowpane over and over. Most of our suffering is the effect of trying to do something that can’t be done. the knowledge of flykind has evolved. the latest generation of fly philosophers and scientists can now admit the existence of an opening through which flies can escape the boundary of the invisible window. how lifetime after lifetime was spent by intrepid flies. If you wanted to. what the fly can’t. our essential suffering is virtually the same. until it finally moves far enough to the side that it can fly in through the opening. right now. through the sacrifice of many great flies through time. although we will never be able to . often accidentally. most of whom died on the windowsill after unsuccessful attempts to find the opening. feeling its futility. and so it might require hours for it to finally discover and fly through the opening in the window that you could see immediately. However.

the hate of our enemies—without pulling away into past or future thought.” That is. the rain. which friend will betray us and which will be holding our hand in old age. then… “Then” never comes without being replaced by waiting for another “then.” If we are successful at fully feeling now—fully feeling our pain. we can deepen our capacity to encompass a greater view. which marriage will last and which won’t. then… If my husband will just learn to communicate a little more. The feminine feels time as a potential for more love and the masculine feels time as a potential for more freedom and success. over and over. Or. we will be riding the currents that appear as the visible now of our life. The past. And so we bump our heads against time. the invisible windowpane that limits our getting what we want is waiting. and simply do our best to “be here now. then… If my child stops using drugs and gets serious about school. If only I write one more chapter. we feel bound by something we can’t see. future and even the present—time itself—is a windowpane in the appearing human domain. With persistently relaxed training. Waiting to Love Page 216 . Apart from accidental breakthroughs.directly see the boundaries that guide what is and isn’t possible. we can skip the training that would reveal why things are the way they are.

The sudden way to train is complemented by the “gradual” way of learning. or read Chinese. and you can relax wide open as love’s light feeling all. It is sufficient to realize the depth of openness that knows and shows as the deepest. through apparent time within any appearing world. without waiting another moment. love-imbued practice through that world’s time is required—gradual training. perform open-heart surgery. right now. feeling all now. If the deep currents move the appearing you to express love through the currently appearing form of the world. how to live as love’s most full expression. and you will feel as the luminous consciousness that is.Stop waiting. instantaneous recognition is not sufficient to develop the art of surfing the currents at various levels of appearance. How can you play guitar as love’s expression? How can you parent a child as love’s deepest offering? The sudden realization of the deepest truth does not confer upon one the ability to paint colors like Vincent van Gogh. and feel what is now so deeply that no end is felt. suddenly. But this sudden. then persistent. Sudden and gradual training are two aspects of one recognition: All is conscious luminosity. And if you are moved to . resisting nothing. This is the “sudden” way to train. Practice feeling as openness. most true you. without getting lost in the past or future or even holding to or avoiding the present. Simply be.

like dyed choruses of wind made visible. experimenting with harmonies and arrangements. will tell you that they hear the music they are composing. then you must train in time. even though sudden realization vanishes the very time in which you appear to be training. Yet. if you are moved sexually. even when you both feel Waiting to Love Page 218 . Most great musical composers. like a true maestro. Such composers are openings through which music spontaneously flows. invisible to you. But to do so takes time. you can practice. why not train as a sexual artist through gradual practice? In the midst of sudden awakening. these composers often spend days or years tweaking notes here and there. and a great composer has sudden access to it. but visible to them —they are simply transcribing it. and often corrections and an evolution of style. obvious and already whole. if you ask them. like noticing the window is already opened. to evoke divine opening with your partner sexually. This gradual development of their capacity to create art is equally important in determining how effective their final product will be in evoking similar openings in their audience. You can open to now with or without sexual play. It is already obvious. Consider sex. The music already is. you must participate in evolution.develop artfulness of expression. However. A truly great composer has the capacity to notice the music that is already here.

You don’t ha ve to stay stuck at the glass or blown by the winds of prevailing habit. Sexually. You can learn loves curvature. Relaxing as now suddenly allows your sexing to be more transparent to love’s emergence. and a personal history that may contain trauma and abuse. and how to navigate open to be moved by deeper currents of love. Gradual training allows you to more fully articulate the underlying patterns that emerge as now’s sudden appearance as consciousness alight. whether in sex or on sax. while training through time develops skill. You can practice feeling and more gracefully surfing the underlying currents of love’s flow together. so to speak. like a master of jazz improvisation who is so relaxed and highly trained that his or her art reveals the “Oh yes!” of just so—rather than the usual clumsy thrust and squeal of untrained animal habits. so you can masterfully navigate what would otherwise be windowpane-like barriers of sore vaginas. with proper training. in the art of sexual union. premature ejaculation. you can practice allowing subtle energetic currents that are more open as love’s light to shine in the move of your rhythm. Ever deeper currents of archetypal form—flowings that are more transparent to the unpatterned openness that is the substance of all showing—can be allowed to emerge. crying babies. .stuck behind glass: you can practice to find the openings in the windowpane.

If you aren’t moved. instead of irritating noise? And in the meantime. now is sufficient. Again. You may no longer be moved to make love sexually—that depends on the mechanics of the spontaneously appearing currents. rather than allowing his or her self to be an opening through which deeper. Without the sudden now-hearing of the piece-as-a-whole. you may be naturally moved to make love more deeply. divinely emerging music. gradual training is based on the always-present relaxation as sudden.The sudden awakening to the always-now openness of being is not sufficient to cultivate these more sublime arts of lovemaking—although this sudden awakening may make the need for such cultivation obsolete. why not train to make heart-opening. timeless. whorling as your appearing self and world. Or. unseen currents can be allowed to spontaneously manifest as love’s blessing. more skillfully and artfully. then don’t move. then gradually develop the skills commensurate with the particular currents that swirl as your appearing self and world of others. don’t forget that both music and noise are the same conscious luminosit y that is always now. But without gradual training. If you are moved to pick up a guitar at all. one would remain an arbitrarily Waiting to Love Page 220 . If you are moved. being now. these currents may cease to urge you sexually. In the midst of sudden awakening. the composer would be a mere craftsman molding music with time-developed skill.

as an appearing self.skilled composer (or dancer or race-car driver) even if you opened as now. Another option is to train in sudden recognition—without waiting for anything or anyone—by feeling to the depths of appearance right now. and without holding onto or avoiding what you are feeling now. wide open. Open with no protection. or a more successful career. and suffer throughout their life. if only briefly. speaking. crafting architectural designs—whatever you. It is for you to decide whether merely crafting your life in the realm of appearances—and thus butting your head against the invisible pane of time—is adequate for your sense of fulfillment. feeling everything and everyone without pulling back. Even open as now. Feel what is. right now. a more refined art. Most people settle for this. Feel your own thoughts and emotions without drifting into mind’s past or future imaginings. are moved to do. creating public policy. there is nothing wrong with wanting a better intimate relationship. . until they die. breathing. and life’s adventure is seen as a tragic joke of release just as you forget that it ever seemed to happen. as it is. And also spend the time to cultivate the art of allowing love to express itself through your appearing form in ever-more effective ways: playing music. raising children. always. and then the entire windowpane is seen at once.

Waiting to Love Page 222 . This capacity—to surrender to be lived by love’s deepest impulse—can also be cultivated through apparent time. so evolution can live its potential through your ever-expanding capacity to allow love’s craft to bless every world in which time appears. and always relax without assuming an endpoint. No matter how open you are or how deep your realization is. and are still waiting to love. Altogether then: Suddenly open to now. you are still like a fly bumping its head on the invisible glass if you have bothered to read this. gradually develop your capacity to offer love’s gift.But only do what you are moved to do by the deepest currents of your heart.

He is the best-selling author of Intimate Communion. David teaches all over the world and his program includes professional trainings.About the Author David Deida is renowned internationally for his work in developing radical. . residential intensives and public workshops. The Way of the Superior Lover and Blue Truth. Finding God Through Sex. It’s a Guy Thing. The Way of the Superior Man. practical and transformative spiritual practices for women and men.