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Set up Elegant Routines For example, I lost a bit of good posture because I neglected my workout routines over the

holidays as I was busy entertaining. It made me reali e how important exercise is for good posture. !his is especially noticable when your core muscles are weak. If you sit at a desk often like I do, your core muscles weaken faster than others who are out and about and as a result, your good posture and stance is affected, as well as your breathing. So instead of writing, "I want to have good posture, be fit and toned.", I incorporated a #$%#& minute yoga and strength training routine in the morning and 'ust before dinner, or after # hour of eating. I don(t make it too rigid, my goal is to 'ust make sure I move and stretch each day. I(m terrible at going to the gym and it(s not convenient for me to take classes at the moment so I turn to the )ii and )ii Fit *lus with +alance +oard , coupled with ,oga and ballet dvds. -verall, I(m happy with my results. ./lick if you want to see which ones I use.0 Secondly, I want to spend more time reading and become more educated. So instead of writing, "+ecome more well%read." again, I find a way to add that routine into my life. 1ow I place a stack of books beside my bed that I want to educate myself with. I add a (feed my mind and soul( .devotional0 book which is the one I read first, so that I start the day positive, and have my heart filled with faith, hope and love. +efore I sleep, I spend some time reading. 2y current devotional is 3estined to Reign 3evotional4 3aily Reflections For Effortless Success, )holeness, and 5ictorious 6iving, which I get on email as well % you can sign up for free daily devotionals here. !here is a subscribe now link at the bottom of the text. *.s. this is a christian devotional, you can use any other positive devotional too. 7ll of you by now know how important I think a devotional is to prep your mind, heart and soul for elegance .becoming elegant, attracting elegance0 daily. -r maybe not if you have 'ust 'oined us8 40

So by working out your new year resolutions into actionable steps and routines, it becomes a more practical way to achieve your elegant goals. 1ow that I(ve discovered the power of routines, I(m working on establishing more elegant routines for all of you to achieve elegance.... I will keep all of you updated8 I also like to believe the core existence of elegantwoman.org is education, which I hope to gear the site towards in this year. 40 6astly, in my research for the site, I stumbled across this book !he 9apanese Skincare Revolution . .I(m heading to 9apan later this week to study culture and elegance in 9apanese women and was prepping for my trip.0 !he book is awesome for inexpensive and effective skincare, and it(s good if you want to learn a few great tips for facial massages, but my favourite bit of the book is what I want to share with you. This is very applicable to elegance: !ake in +eauty with 7ll ,our Senses /hi u Saeki writes, "2y late husband used to tell me that I should expose myself to things of genuine :uality. !he two of us would often visit museums and view historic masterpieces, dine a couple times a month at fancy restaurants, or travel to foreign countries, where we(d be moved by sights of nature and streetscapes we had never seen before. )hen you get out and about and experience new things, you(re bound to feel as if the cells of your entire body are imbibing the essence of beauty, making you more beautiful. !he face of someone who shuts herself up in a gloomy room all day is likely to be dull and impassive, while that of someone who goes outside and appreciates the beautiful things around her will naturally be expressive and content." -kay, have a lovely rest of the week8 !hanks for reading8 Shalom .which I learnt, means peace, wholeness, perfect health and well% being0, Eunice

3eportment

;race <elly arriving at the =>th annual 7cademy 7wards, #?&@ For the longest time, I(ve always wondered how to emulate the graceful behaviours of elegant women. If you watch older movies, especially those made from the #?&$s and beyond, you can(t help but notice the elegance of the way women carried themselves. If you have noticed the :uote at the start of this letter .see below0 from 6eo !olstoy, a renown Russian realist fiction writer, you can imagine he must have been inspired by one of the most elegant women who left him a deep impression of the true meaning of grace. "... he must have another look at her % not because of her beauty, not on account of the elegance and unassuming grace of her whole figure, but because of something tender and caressing in her lovely face as she passed him." % from novel 7nna karenin by 6eo !olstoy )hy are the actresses and women from the (best society( .i.e. they had resources to develop themselves0 from those times so completely self% possessedA Bow did they get that wayA

7 part of that graceful manner is deportment training. It seems that a few decades ago, deportment training was important. *eople back then also had wonderful models .their mothers0 to emulate. Read more about my blogpost about deportment % the art of being graceful. !hat is a new section, which I hope to expand by going into further details .which unfortunately will take me some time, but you won(t miss it if you are on the mailing list.0 *.s. If you know anything about deportment or had the experience of learning deportment or have someone in your family who was trained, email me .hit reply0, I would love to hear from you. Bow to be gentle !he second (breakthrough( for me was to learn how to be gentle. I wanted to find out how to obtain that polished, finished manner that all elegant women had. )hile I was not unfeminine in my manner .mostly0, I never once thought (gentle( as a personal description. ,et we can all think of someone we know who embodies the meaning (gentle(. *ersonally, I(m a high%energy individual. In school, I excelled in sports, ran camps and campaigns, won awards for pro'ects, gave speeches etc. 7t work, I could very intense and thrived on excitement. !here was a lot of energy and animation in the way I spoke, especially if I was passionate about that sub'ect. 7nd nowA I(ve toned down a lot. )hyA I(m not sure. *erhaps it is due to the influence of my calm husband. It could be age. I(ve also simplified my life to gain more peace. 2aybe you are similar to me, maybe not. Some may struggle with out%of% control emotions, clumsiness, brash behaviours...and that(s where learning to be gentle helps with self%possession.

7 gentle manner and nature adds to the beauty of a graceful and elegant woman. I also reali e it(s not that high energy is bad, but that learning to be gentle is a better way of transmuting that high energy into a polished ease. See how to be gentle .if you have not clicked on the link before already.0 +e <ind !o ,ourself 6ast but not least, I want to say to everyone, myself included, let(s not get into a self%blaming mode. Forget all the blunders you made8 3on(t beat yourself up for it. If we make mistakes in our lives, let(s 'ust move on elegantly. )e are inspired by what the 9apanese are doing right now, keeping calm and carrying on. -kay, have a lovely rest of the week8 !hanks for reading8 Shalom .which in hebrew means wishing you peace, wholeness, perfect health and well%being0, Eunice Bow !o +e ;entle Lessons on how to be gentle derived from elegant women whose poise and grace inspire us.

It all began when I asked my friend, "Bow is it that you(re so gentleA" Be told me that he was gentle as a child. Be attributes that to his calm personality. +eing gentle does not mean a lack of passion or strength. Be went on to be a competitive tennis player and a well%known tennis coach. ;entleness can be seen as passion and strength directed inward, instead of outwards. 7nd so that sparked my curiosity on how to achieve the same effect, if we are not born with those gentleness%inclined personalities. !here are many misconceptions of being gentle. It is often associated with weakness and fraility. +ut I(m not here to dispute the concept of what (being gentle( means to others. 2aybe you grew up with yelling parents, and so you yelled. ,ou tend to stumble, drop things, spill coffee. ,ou can(t seem to speak softly on the phone but have the tendency to say too much, too fast and a tad too loud. )e all have these struggles to various degrees. So do we refine ourselves, and betray our roots to mimic the beautiful refined gentleness of graceful womenA !hus, I want to focus on the gentle movements and deportment of an elegant woman.

Elegant )omen 7re ;entle Elegant women are gentle. !here is no disputing that. )e all notice her gentle nature. She is gentle in all ways. She is gentle with her words, the way she pours tea or ties her shoelaces. !he way she touches, brush, make sweeping movements, cuddles children or pats little dogs is altogether lovely. Bow to be ;entleA Bow to be gentleA )here do I startA Slow 3own, 3eclutter, -btain *eace In my book, Secrets of Elegance, I talked a little bit about achieving authenticity .being who you are0, the importance of having a devotional to read, editing yourself and wardrobe and obtaining peace.

-ne of the concepts of that book is how peace is important to elegance, and how we should remove anything that does not give us peace .i.e. anything that causes stress0. Similarly, it is a lot easier to be gentle if you are peaceful within. Editing is very much a process of achieving elegance and we must get rid of "!oo 2uch". !oo much stuff, too much on our schedules, too much commitment, expectations and demands. Slow down. 2editate. Engage in peaceful, slow%moving activities that re:uire patience. Such as reading novels, painting, yoga, ballet, !ai /hi, sewing, knitting etc. )ith a slowed%down and simpler life, we have have a greater propensity to learn how to be gentle. )e need not be in a hurry and we will never have to rush again. Bave /orresponding 5alues For ;entleness 5alue people. If you do, you will be more patient with their shortcomings and learn how to be gentle. ,ou will be kind and considerate and be punctual, because you won(t want to keep valuable people waiting. 5alue what you have. I have this theory of telling whether a person values her things is by how much she has of it. If she has too much of something, it shows that contrary to what she thinks, she doesn(t value her things as much. If she understands she truly values for instance, her sunglasses, she(ll know that one or a few is more than enough. She wouldn(t be out looking for yet another (perfect( pair. 7lso, my point is, if you value something, would you abuse it, and throw it around, or leaving it lying in some random place in the houseA 2ore likely you are to take care of it, treat it with respect and use it regularly but preciously. !he act of using something preciously shows that you value your things. Cnfortunately in our era of wealth, we ac:uire things easily, and therefore take no pains to treasure them. 6ikewise, manufacturers reali e this so we are bombarded with inferior goods with shiny promises. 6ike what your grandmothers say, "!hey don(t make them like they used to." I read a website that gave a very cute and short video on how to teach your child to be gentle. It teaches us of the "-ne Finger !ouch" which I thought could apply very well to ourselves. )hen we teach our children how to be

gentle, we show them to use one finger to touch something first, instead of grabbing. Similarly, we can pretend that everything is made of glass or gold and we carefully pick up or put down, when using it. 1ow, would you rashly grab something that costs D#$$,$$$A !his is also another reason why we should buy nice and expensive things for ourselves, instead of spending the same amount on a whole bunch of non%lasting stuff. +y valuing our things and practicing this habit of being gentle and light, we will learn how to be gentle and graceful women +e ;entle )ith -urselves In my research on how to be gentle, I stumbled upon a powerful life lesson derived from !ime maga ine(s article, about one woman(s struggle against 7l heimer(s 3isease. ."7l heimer(s Cnlocked," from the -ctober =&, =$#$ issue0 "!each me to be gentle with myself." 2ary 7nn +ecklenberg prayed. She keenly observes that we are short on others because we are frustrated with ourselves. In order to be gentle, we have to not punish ourselves or beat ourselves up over a mistake. )e have to learn to let things go, be easy%going, be chill. Strive for improvement not perfection. Read a blogger(s account of this article, "!each me to be gentle with 2yself" Bave an 7bundant 2indset If you read books like the +ible, positive thinking books, it will show you how your thinking shapes your behaviour. Baving an abundant mindset aids you in learning how to be gentle. "I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong." 6eo Rosten !o obtain a gentle spirit like 7udrey Bepburn, focus on thinking well. +e aware of abundance, not lack. !hat will cause you to be gentle...to take sufficient helpings instead of piling your food high on your plate for fear of not having enough. Focusing on abundance will allow you to be generous. ,ou would let others walk out the lift first .if you are not in their way0 instead of rushing to be first out the door. It(s okay to let the kind old lady use the restroom first, you can wait for another three minutes. ,ou have abundance8

,ou don(t have to fight for your (rights( because so what if you (lost( in the argumentA !hough it(s not fair, you see it as a small matter, not worthy for you to get upset over. ,ou have plenty other blessings in your life to be re'oicing over. If it is worthy of your attention, you approach it in a gentle and firm manner. ,ou don(t have to react with drama the way some people do. !he opposing party sees your poise in the matter and calms down, and now both can logically work the problem out. Bow to be gentle re:uires a :uiet strength that results from intelligence. ;entleness is more a thinking way of life rather than to make things happen by brute force, remember that. )ant to know more about a gentle woman(s mindsetA Read more about how to be gentle and a gentle mindset in this article. Eat )ell For ;entleness 6ast but not least on how to be gentle, if you are the high energy, excitable sort and you find it hard to control your (hyperness(, you need to find a way to calm down. Some find it helpful to wake up to peaceful melodious tunes in the morning, instead of a heart%stopping shrill ring of the alarm clock. -thers practice yoga and meditation or (:uiet time with the 6ord(. *ractice (letting go( in your speech, for instance, if you are telling a story and gets interrupted or intercepted by someone else, you might feel a little angsty that you can(t finish your story. /hant in your head, "let it go" and take a deep breath and continue listening to the conversation. If your story gets brought back into the conversation by an interested friend, you may continue. -therwise, 'ust let it go. Eat well. If you tend to be too hyper, I suggest cutting down on carbohydrates .carbs0 and sugar. 3o not eat pasta, bread or take sugar with your coffeeEtea or drink softdrinks for breakfast. !hat is surely to send you off to a hyped%up start8 !ake in limited amounts throughout the day or avoid them altogether .refined carbs0. -f course you would need some carbohydrates in your diet, so eat those with slow burning capabilities like oats, wholemeal, wholegrain, wheatbits etc. !hank you for reading (Bow !o +e ;entle(8 7merica" offering this advice. ref4 http4EEabcnews.go.comE;27EstoryAidFG#H@@&I

Bow to ;reet !he Jueen

lamrock%images E // +, =.$ Royal Eti:uette4 !his is how we should greet the :ueen. ;reet as Her Majesty, then as ma'am 3o not bow or curtsy if you are not +ritish. Cnless you are +ritish, you do not have to curtsy in the presence of the :ueen. 7ccording to 7+/ newsK, +ritish women do a small curtsy and men bow their heads when meeting the :ueen. "7s an 7merican when you(re actually meeting the :ueen you don(t have to do a curtsy or a bow because she(s not the head of the state of 7merica," *aul ;auger, the director of regional press for 5isit+ritain, offered his advice to (;ood 2orning 7merica(. ")hat might be a nice sign of respect if you(re a gentleman, you can do a slight nod...and some women, if they want to they can do a little bob. 3o not offer a handshake. Royal Eti:uette applies to not touching the :ueen or any member of the royal family. )e should wait for them to extend their hand. If they do, we must remember not to be excited and shake too hard. +e nice and gentle. !hat means no gripping it tightly or pumping it. 7lso, no hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no touching the shoulder. 6et Ber 2a'esty initiate the conversation with you. ;reeting the :ueenA Cse ",our 2a'esty", then, "ma(am".

;reeting the C.S. president is "2r *resident." 1o !ouch Rule of Royal Eti:uette

wwworks E // +, =.$ 6ike shaking hands, the :ueen(s visitors have to wait until she extends her hand to them. 7s mentioned, no gripping or pumping handshakes. 7nd definitely no hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no touching the shoulder, putting your arm around the :ueen. It is not socially acceptable to even take her elbow to direct her. Recently, *resident -bama and 2ichelle -bama visited the Jueen. Even when posing for a picture, they stood apart with hands in the front without touching. Since -bamas are not sub'ects of the royal family, they did not need to bow or curtsy, though *resident -bama was gracious to bow slightly from the waist as he met the :ueen and her husband. Royal ;ift ;iving Eti:uette ;ift giving is also part of the eti:uette when meeting royalty. See also ;ift ;iving Eti:uette. 7ccording to 7+/ news, !he *resident and first lady gave the :ueen a video i*od with an inscription with uploaded songs and accessories, plus a rare musical songbook signed by Richard Rodgers. !he :ueen gave the president a silver framed photograph of herself and her husband, the official picture she gives all visiting dignitaries.

ref4 http4EEabcnews.go.comE*oliticsEInternationalEstoryAidFI==>#$&LpageF# )hat !o )ear Royal Eti:uette(s dress code is generally conservative though it is acceptable for women to sport little sleeveless dresses. In the article, "C.S. guide to royal eti:uette4 3on(t call the Jueen 6i ", it says that the -fficials for the ;overnor of 5irginia !im <aine seem apprehensive enough to devote an entire page to royal eti:uette for dresscode on his website. It :uotes, "2embers of the Royal Family do not wish anyone to be put to unnecessary expense by buying special clothes, hats or gloves." I thought that was extra nice of them to think of others. 40 .!here is even a Royal )elcome hotline for extra advice.0 ref4 http4EEwww.dailymail.co.ukEnewsEarticle%H&#&&?EC%S%guide%royal% eti:uette%3ont%Jueen%6i .html Royal Eti:uette )hen In /onversation If the :ueen chooses engage in polite conversation with you, you should never ask anything about their personal life for example her famous grand children, *rince Barry and *rince )illiam. 1ever try to call her (Jueen( or "Eli abeth" or "6i " whatever name you have heard in the media. +e natural, you don(t have to mimic her british accent back to her when speaking. 3uring the conversation, make gentle eye contact, look happy and be light hearted. +ut you don(t have to go and let loose your barrage of 'okes either. 7nd oh, never turn your back on the :ueen. Invited !o !ea )ith !he Jueen !ea is usually served accompanied by small snacks, usually in a beautiful garden. ,ou might want to read up on tea eti:uette. Such as, raising only the teacup to drink, not the cup and saucer, and to return the cup to teh sauce after each sip.

Remember not to chew loudly, close your mouth with you chew, to take small bites, not slurping, or talking with your mouth full. 7lso, remember not to stacking too much on one plate8 6-6. -h and last one, we should all stop eating after the :ueen takes her last bite. Bow !o +e 6ovely "!he most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things." % *lato from 6ovely Juotes Elegance must be combined with loveliness, because one usually not 'ust desire to be elegant simply for themselves, but to shed a little 'oy around her and beautify her world. If you look up the dictionary today, you(ll find that (loveliness( is defined as (an ex:uisite beauty(. Researching deeper, I(ve found that the intrinsic meaning of that beauty is natural, internal and it comes from all the goodness and love from the heart. So how to be absolutely lovelyA /ultivate 6oveliness I(ve found that it is easier to (be the right person( than to (try to be the right person( )hat is the differenceA For instance, if I know in my mind that I should not be late, I try very hard not to be late by setting a timer, an alarm etc. It is hard work, very hard for me indeed. Bowever, if I have reverence for other people(s time, I )I66 not be late. It is easy to do. For instance, if I were meeting the Jueen of England, a one%in%a%lifetime opportunity, I wouldn(t dream of being late. I might be two hours early8 It all boils down to what you value. 3o I value other people(s timeA -r do I assume that it will be alright for them to wait for meA 7 lovely person is thoughtful at all times. See more at easy elegant tips. Bow to be lovely as 7udrey BepburnA

a E =.$ She is one who... is generous with her smile. 2y heart instantly warms up to a person who smiles. It is big%hearted to be the one who smiles first because it takes a certain type of admirable courage and lack of self consciousness. She also has positivity that a smile will be returned. Ber smile encourages other smiles. Ber pleasant countenance exudes her. is kind. She asks about you and your family if they are well. She listens and refrains from talking about herself, unless asked. See the art of conversation If you have had an embarrassing moment, she will appear to never have noticed it. If you have spilled soup on yourself, she would make light of it. Ber words are kind and thoughtful. Ber gestures and actions reflect that too. 7 little pat on the head for a little dog, listening with delight when children attempt to converse. She will always offer a helping hand to elderly. is on time, if not a little early. )hen she has an appointment with someone, she is always on time, if not a little early. If she is foresees to be five minutes late for her hair appointment, she phones as early as fifteen minutes before. She takes into account potential time%ha ards when planning her time 7s mentioned earlier, she has a deep reverence for time and other people(s time.

She sticks to her appointments, come rain or shine. She is dependable to turn up for her appointments. She never cancels, unless it is a real emergency. She will never make an excuse because she knows others have cleared their schedules for her. !ime is one of the most valued currency. )hile money can be lost, it may be earned back. +ut when time is lost, time is lost for ever. She shows her reverence for time by the way she lives her life, settling into a unrushed, :uality lifestyle where she has time for church, family and friends. believes others come first. In her actions, she considers others. She moves to the middle of the train to allow more space for passengers who come after her, and gives up her seat to that pregnant lady. She stirs her tea :uietly in order not to all attention to her cup. She speaks softly in public places, so that it will not be a disturbance to others. She respects wishes and personal choices of others and will not ask intruding or potentially embarrassing :uestions. )hile she may not agree with differing opinions, she will be gracious about it. is disciplined in mind and heart. She never assumes she is well%known, important, that people are thinking about her, talking about her or will give her a ride home. If she discovers any of those situations to be true, she graciously accepts and shows her appreciation. She never says to anyone, (3o you know who I amA( or (I don(t deserve this8 I deserve better.( She(ll never steals anyone(s thunder by switching an conversational topic to herself. For instance if someone was talking about their trip to Italy, she(ll take over the conversation and tell them what happened when SBE went to Italy. She does not allow herself to go over an embarrassing situation in her mind. She disciplines herself not to fuss and get on with it. She does not get embarrassed. (She is disciplined in her lifestyle, not allowing herself to be drunk with wine, be addicted to bad habits of eating 'unk food, shop incessantly, be over ridden with debt, have too many possessions, or have disorder in her life and home.( % Juote unknown

She also knows being disciplined in her heart and mind means taking efforts to (guard her heart(. In *roverbs H4=G, it says (7bove all, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.( Guarding one's heart is reading, watching, listening to good, wholesome things that will inspire fruits such as love, patience, kindness etc. Eunice says4 *ersonally, I find it helpful to keep this mental discipline to attend a church, get involved in a good cause and community and reading good books. I also use a daily devotional. is impeccable in appearance. Bow to be lovely is also to be impeccable in appearance. I was once told that in France, it is considered rude to go get bread at the bakery in home clothes and unmade face. !his is because you force others to look at you in less%than%presentable appearance. ;ood posture is important as well. 7 beautiful impeccable appearance is ruined by a poor posture. <eep your back straight at all times. 3o not fold your arms, slouch or lean on anything. 6earn to feel graceful with good posture. .2ore about developing poise.0 7 lovely person definitely does not need to spend excessive time getting dressed. She achieves a timeless style by a sense of thoughtfulness about herself. has a good work ethic. She shows us how to be lovely by having a good work ethic. 9ust as she is always on time, she has a strong work ethic. She performs what is re:uired of her, without complaining. She works hard and doesn(t give in even though she is tired. If she has a big client meeting the next day, she prepares for it and is confident. She doesn(t go out the night before if she has to pull off a big pro'ect the next day. ( adored my wor! and did my best.( % 7udrey Bepburn has a balanced life with her values intact. She is never too busy for her family, her loved ones. She prioriti es and keeps things simple. She is passionate about her work, but it will not take over her values. She is passionate about family, but she does not neglect herself and she continues to take interests outside of family.

She knows when she is over%stretching herself and says (no( to the unnecessary. 3ue to her disciplined manner of living, she en'oys what she has chosen, designed. She is never hurried and in a rush. loves. She loves. She loves her husband, her children, her mother%in%law. She loves dogs, beautiful gardens, books. She takes time to get to know the world around her. She does not merely expresses it with words but through actions. She employs a thoughtfulness and observation of her world. She can notices things about little children, remembering what is their favourite toy. She can recount silly stories of her dogs. She sends birthday flowers. She loves beautifully decorating her house and up keeping it. It has similarities like a child playing with a dollhouse. treats everyone the same. She does not think she is better or more important than anyone and vice versa. She speaks in the same manner to the 'anitor as she would to the vice president of her husband(s company. She also does not repay a rude comments with nastiness. is gracious. She assumes the best of people. She says, "-h, I trust and am very sure that in time to come, you will know what to do." to the person who confides in her, instead of giving advice unless asked for. )hen complimented, she accepts it kindly but gives away the credit, praising someone who has helped her with her hair. is authentic and never puts on pretenses. She is unafraid to say that she doesn(t know and does not pretend to know. She does not fake her youth, her wealth, or accomplishments or her age. She tries to be as respectful as possible and is humble. She gets the best :uality that she can afford and will use it until it needs to be replaced.

is a giver. 7 giving person is not merely generous with her finances. She is also generous with her time, words, her things, affection, her compliments, encouragement and praises. Cltimately being lovely comes when one is inspired for the love of people, which comes supernaturally from ;od. It is when you reali e how much ;od loves you, in spite of ourselves, that brings out the wonderful sense of loveliness so we can now bestow on others. How To "e Lovely She who is altogether lovely... a. is generous with her smile b. is kind c. is on time, if not a little early. d. believes others come first. e. is disciplined in her mind and heart. f. is impeccable in appearance. g. has a good work ethic. h. has a balanced life with her values intact i. loves. '. never lets herself believe that anybody is different from anybody. k. is gracious. l. is authentic and never puts on pretenses. m. is a giver.

)hy ,ou Should *ay 7ttention !o ,our 2anners

I loved the manners of 6inda L /ole *orter in the movie 3elovely Bave you met someone you really likedA She most probably had the most beautiful manners and she made you feel at ease. She was a lady. KKBere is the greatest test of elegance and refinement % Ber 2anners 2anners are wonderful to have. It makes a person beautiful. 2anners are love, they are kindness, they are refinement. I en'oy being in a family where everyone speaks kindly to each other. )hat 7re ,our 2anners Saying 7bout ,ouA -ur manners say much more about us than we reali e. a. b. c. d. e. f. g. h. !hey tell other people who you are. Bow you were brought up. )hat kind of family you have. ,our social economic status .or matter%of%factly, class0 ,our level of education. !he extent of your reading, travelling experiences )hat kind of person you are. )hat do you think about all the time .are you a self%absorbed narcissistA -r are you considerate of the other person0A i. ,our level of self control, the way you handle conflict, what is it like to live with you...amongst other things 2anners( 6ittle Secret Bere is a little secret of having unsually refined manners.

3espite your insecurities, you can arise above all that and communicate a better sense of yourself .as opposed to reality and history0, with fine, elegant manners. I love this :uote by 9.< Rowling "It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities" % 9. <. Rowling In other words, when you have fine manners, you can be who you want to be. ,ou choose who you want to be. *eople won(t even have a clue about lack of your education, wealth etc. !hey might even think (way off(. !here are times we feel we aren(t good enough. )e aren(t educated enough, sophisticated enough, or are embarrassed of your family(s lack of resources. )e didn(t go to the right schools, hang out with the right people etc. 3espite all the above, you can rise beyond all that )I!B the best, most beautiful, ex:uisite manners. !hat(s 2anners( little secret. *eople probably assume you were educated at top schools. !hey(ll like to be around you because of the way you make them feel. !hey(ll feel impressed by and maybe even secretly admire you. If one day, you get (found out(, you(ll reali e that it no longer matters because you have assimilated. ,ou(ve become one of them. ,ou(re friends now with people you like and choose to be friends with. 7t the end of the day, we are not interested in people who do not like us. )e want to find friends of similar tastes and goals. )hatever your social circle is, everyone likes someone who have manners. !hey like you. !hey want to be around you. !hey warm up to you. !hey think you(re great. ,ou(ve become classy. 2anners are kindness. 7nd people respond to kindness. Speaking kindly to someone regardless, is a show of mutual respect or the recognition that we are all the same. +eing well dressed is pleasant and inspiring. -therwise, it is distracting and negative. )hen you communicate with manners, you(ve considered the other person(s thoughts and feelings. !hat is kindness. 2anners is 1-! Eti:uette

7udrey looking lovely. !he truth about manners ...manners is not eti:uette. 2anners are the result of a kind heart. Eti:uette is an orderly way of doing things and a customary code of conduct of good behaviour. Eti:uette is like the 6aw but it is not the law. Bave you ever tried reading eti:uette booksA In general, eti:uette are a list of .almost boring0 rules. )hile some are helpful, they can get :uite ridiculous. It is simply impossibly to remember all of them. 2anners, on the other hand, are a result of graciousness. Baving manners is a sure tell%tale sign. 7n elegant person, despite wearing a pretty dress, poised, looking gorgeous, falls fast from elegance when her face turns sour as she complains about everything. Bow to Bave +oth 2anners and Eti:uette If you have manners first, eti:uette will follow. Eti:uette are well thought of rules that present an orderly way of doing things, as well as the most considerate, conflict%avoiding way. 3on(t ;et -ffended +y !he 6ack -f 2anners Baving manners is also about putting up with the lack of it in someone else.

It(ss easy to get offended when you(ve put in considerable effort in your manners but someone else has not. Bow tempting it is to go, "she(s so rude8". Firstly, the harsh expression on your face is not exactly becoming. Secondly, we(ll still be gracious in spite of. 2ost people have good intentions but do not reali e. 7lways try to be patient and see others in the best light. ;od helps us with Bis grace

Rules of Eti:uette 7 6ady(s Eti:uette #hat is it all about$ rules of eti%uette& eti%uette %uestions& social eti%uette& eti%uette& eti%uette tips& manners for women )hy is Eti:uette ImportantA 7lthough elegantwoman.org focuses on elegant living and how to be a lady, and is not so much an (eti:uette site(, I(ll still recommend you loosely study it. )hyA It is a sub'ect still in tuned with elegance. It is the fruit of manners, kindness and consideration of others. Eti:uette presents an orderly way of doing things, saying things etc. Bowever, I don(t believe in memori ing these rules of eti:uette. I(d much rather see them as guidelines. I do not en'oy rules and I(ve never believed in (governing( through rules. I(ve always believed refinement comes from within. See also an Elegant Self /onfidence. Index of Eti:uette 7rticles 6ooking for specific eti:uette topicsA 3o a search on elegantwoman.org
Search

or go to the index of Eti:uette 7rticles. Eti:uette +asics

So here I am, tackling 'ust the very basics of eti:uette, only pausing to refer to 2iss 2anners or Emily *ost 'ust to grab a second opinion on what I(ve researched from personal experience, observation, interviews, film history and lessons indirectly gleamed from history, traditional princess training, finishing and charm schools and old books from great authors like 9ane 7usten. 3efinition of Eti:uette )ikipedia defines eti:uette Eti:uette is a code of behavior that influences expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group. Rules of eti:uette are usually unwritten, but aspects of eti:uette have been codified from time to time. Rules of eti:uette encompass most aspects of social interaction in any society, though the term itself is not commonly used. 7 rule of eti:uette may reflect an underlying ethical code, or it may reflect a person(s fashion or status." 3ifference in 2anners and Eti:uette 2anners is not the same as eti:uette. )hat is the differenceA See 2anners 7nd Eti:uette. !o be honest, I(m not a huge fan of eti:uette though I believe it has its place. It is because it seems like eti:uette is a bunch of rules. !hose that take pride in knowing a lot of eti:uette, get offended by those who do not. !hat is 'ust silly. !here has to be some sort of grace within those rules. 1obody should take offense at (wrong eti:uette(, if you can 'ustify that the offending party has kind intentions. Eti:uette, I believe is a by product at the height of your refinement. Even if you don(t read eti:uette books, you will figure it out, sooner or later. For those that loves rules, I(ll be writing a couple of principles to help you get started. Cse them as a framework to govern your polite behaviour. Since rules of eti:uette changes from time and the evolvement of society, these kindness principles never change. Follow these principles, and you(ll almost never have to read another eti:uette book again.

Eti:uette Rules #$# a. !o think for others before yourself b. 2ake feel others at ease c. !o be kind 7lso see a list of good manners Rules of Eti:uette !ips a. 7lways ask yourself, ")hat is the kindest way possible of doing this thingA" b. Eti:uette is not putting others first in a way that you completely do not think of yourself. c. Eti:uette rules should not be memori ed because it is completely miserable. It should be birthed out of a kind and gracious spirit. d. In other words, eti:uette rules should be (reali ed( and (caught(. e. Eti:uette differs from country, cultures because to language and social norms differences, so never take offense at the differences in eti:uette. Respect, learn and accept the differences. f. )hen in Rome, do as the Romans do. 3on(t compare, don(t critici e. g. Social eti:uette is the most important because it is about about being considerate of peoples( feelings. 7lso see Bow to +e *olite.

)edding 2anners and Eti:uette 7ll the )edding manners and eti:uette written on these pages of elegantwoman.org are meant to be used as a guide. !hey are partially gathered from wedding eti:uette books when I was planning my own wedding. I(ve reali ed to follow these (rules( to a tee is futile. ,ou will only garner bitterness and resentment. Some of these eti:uette rules are ad'usted according to culture, family tradition and society norms. !he whole point of these proper wedding eti:uette pages are to help you organi e your thoughts % on how to be kind and considerate of others. 7nd especially in weddings, to your loved ones.

-ne point to remember is that, at weddings, you can't please everyone. Remember to prioriti e. 7nd I suppose, to keep (offences( to a minimum. /heck out the site map of Elegant )eddings as well. Rules of Eti:uette % )hat ,ou /an 3o If you can only remember one principle... !o improve your awareness of eti:uette or to achieve excellent manners, expose yourself to elegance and elegant women. Read about them, find someone who is good at these things to hang out with, 'oin the elegantwoman community, make some changes today that will snowball into a bigger change in your life. ,ou can also watch and study movies shot with elegant actresses, in elegant settings, in elegant time periods etc. )atch how they move, speak, conduct themselves, how they decorate their house, entertaining elegantly, dress, do their hair elegantly etc. It is better to be inspired and to have elegance and eti:uette rub off you than to spend a lovely afternoon with a stuffy old eti:uette book that cannot update itself as :uickly as the world evolves. Start with visual inspirations, a memory, a role model. Start with an earnest desire to be elegant. ,ou can do it8 Bave courage. Social Ease % ;race your way through parties

Bow !o +e 7n Elegant Social +utterfly8 ;race your way through any party with elegant communication. 7s you increase in elegance, you probably will get invited to more parties and events. +eing elegant socially "is always about other people", isn(t itA

!he greater you grow in confidence, you might want to reciprocate all those social invitations and host some of these parties your own. +ut let(s first start with the basics8 Social /onfidence

!he most important to gaining social confidence is to believe that we are no different from one another, not better, not worse, regardless of outward appearances etc. 7t any social event, your (goal( is to make someone else comfortable with your company. ,ou can do so with a respectful, non intrusive, light%hearted friendliness when speaking with someone. Start with warm greetings, talk about light hearted, positive topics like the food or the weather, how lovely the decor is. Stay away heavy conversational topics such work, (what do you doA(, money, politics and religion. 3on(t hog someone(s time. 2ove to find a new person to talk to after about five minutes. See also the 7rt of /onversation )omen bond too :uickly and sometimes reveal too much when speaking more than #$ minutes. Social !ips4 )hen Invited !o 7 *arty RS5* Juickly8 !his means you notify your host as soon as possible whether or not you can make it. )e often make the mistake to decide on whether to attend at the very last minute. Rsvping early is an act of kindness because we give more time for our host to prepare.

3on(t cancel on a whim. Baving thrown several parties myself, I find this very distasteful4 last minute cancellations. I(ve toiled, prepared, spent money to throw this party. !hat(s why I can(t help but feel disappointed for last minute cancellations, sometimes hours into the party. Especially when they are for really lousy excuses. !hose who don(t cancel at the last minute or worse still, is a no show, may think the party is too big, and it wouldn(t make a difference or that the host probably would not even know that they weren(t there but it isn(t. 2ost people remember. I find this pattern of not%rsvp%ing and last minute cancellations more common in this modern day when we have more technology to communicate with one another. It is appalling. +ring a gift. It is an elegant touch to bring a gift. Cse your own discretion on whether to bring a gift. ,ou may sometimes ask, "/an I bring anythingA" 7nd bring it when your hosts re:uests, "-h, some ice cream would be nice." *ersonally I(d always try to bring something. Some chocolates, flowers, a scented candle. 7dhere to the 3resscode /heck what is appropriate to wear to the party. Is the party a fine dining eventA 3ress up in your favourite classic gown. Is it a cocktail partyA *ull out that little black dress. Sometimes there may not be a dresscode but think about what the event is. Is it a dinner partyA Is it a beach side picnicA Is it to watch the finale of the -lympicsA I(d find it insulting when people ignore the dress code or do not make an effort to dress up for the party. )hen ,ou 7rrive at the *arty

#. ;reet everyone with your biggest smile at a dinner party, or find the host first to greet her. =. Introduce yourself, if the host is too busy to introduce you. G. <eep conversations light%hearted and happy. H. +e discrete when exchanging contacts. &. 3o not ask intrusive or potentially intrusive :uestions8 @. *raise the host in conversations. I. 2ingle, do not linger too long in one person(s party. >. 3o not talk about work, your problems, dreams or aspirations. Cnless it(s not intense like, "I would love to go to ;reece8", "Its my dream to one day ski in )histler." 3o not do ?. business or make business contacts at a party8 /lick the link to know how to do so discretely. #$. 3o not arrive late and do not leave too early or too late. ##. Find the host again and thank her before you leave. Social ;reetings % and what if we don(t know anyoneA )e are often nervous when being invited to a party, espcially if we do not know anyone. It helps if we arrive smiling, well%dressed and have brought a gift. 7lso remember to ask light hearted :uestions and listen8 Float around and do not linger in conversation. ,ou(ll get better in practice. Bere are some pointers .below0 on how to become comfortable at a party. See also *arty Eti:uette Social !ip4 )hat !o 3o )hen ,ou 7re Intimidated )hat !o 3o )hen ,ou Feel Intimidated or )hen you 2eet Snobs8 Sometimes we meet people at the party that we are intimidated by.

Bere is what to do when you are intimidated. )hen you feel intimidated, focus on some of the similarities that you have. 7chieve common ground. If you don(t think you have any, speak about a general sub'ect. 7 recent movie, food, chocolate etc. For example4 '(id you watch the movie& )lumdog Millionaire$' '(id you hear about the new shopping mall$' If the person is not very responsive and has a bored look, say "It was nice meeting you and move on." 3on(t !ake It *ersonally8 9ust as we will not like everyone we meet, some people we meet will not like us. 6et(s move on8 )hen someone intentionally intimidates you )hen somebody intentionally intimidate, or snub you, the best response is to hold your head high and ignore her. 3on(t even bother to be rude. +ecause that is giving herEhim attention8 If she tries talking to you, simply answer and then excuse yourself, laugh, have a great time with other people at the party. 2ost of these people secretly want attention. !hey want to put down others to make themselves feel better. )e respect ourselves too much to give in to their whims. )e will be gracious despite their bad behaviour. +e /lassy % /lassically Elegant % !he )ord "/lassy"

Image via Flickr /ocokelly If you googled the number of websites with the word "classy" in the entire web, you(ll find that there are I>I@G number of pages using that word. It is one of the most misrepresented words. *eople use it to describe elegance, sophistication, stylish women. !hey also use it to describe art, a hotel, a restaurant etc. )hile it is not "wrong", it is also very sub'ective. )hat appears to be "classy" to you, may not be classy to someone else. Even the 3ictionaries have very little to say about the sub'ect. 3ictionary.com simply classifies it an informal word which represents the traits, (stylish and sophisticated(. 7s defined earlier, "/lass refers to a group of people according to the things they have in common, including money." !he key, then is to get as much of these (traits( as possible. +e /lassy /lassify ,ourself !he root words of (/lass( are (classification( and (to classify(. !hat is true in our everyday lives. )e sort people, things out, whether consciously or unconsciously. )hen we look at someone, meet someone, eat something, go somewhere we automatically (classify( in our minds. For example, you may have these thoughts4 "-h wow, he is a doctor. Be must be smart." "!his is the kind of place that teenagers go to." "Bow can she afford these thingsA Ber dadEhusband must be rich."

!hough we are all different, the stages of refinement are similar everywhere in the world. !he characteristics of a "classy person" are identified by people of different backgrounds, though they may use another word. !his explains why every royal princess of different cultures have similar traits, "well%groomed, educated, good posture, gracious etc..." In other words, in order to be classy, we continue to grow towards refinement in every sense of the word. +e /lassy % Refinement Is refinement importantA Is it superficial and sillyA 2any scoff at the term (Self%improvement(. !hey believe their high salaries are enough to buy themselves into the world of luxury. !hey think they are classy. +ut it doesn(t work that way8 !here is some value in that because being able to afford luxuries can help you learn how to be classy in trickles. +ut affording luxuries are not what makes a woman refined.

'neilson=G E // +, =.$ Stop feeling guilty8 Sometimes, you may feel the desire for refinement are silly pursuits. !he dream for the finer things in life, the wish for a fine way of living. !here is a sense of guilt when we indulge in some form of luxury. )e think it(s bad. It(s bad to spend money, bad to want nicer things. *ut a stop to this8 3on(t confuse a healthy desire to improve with extravagance.

)hen we feel guilty and confuse our dreams for extravagance, we have .unknowingly0, placed a low value on ourselves. )e are telling ourselves that we are not worthy. Refinement is an act of improvement. If the most accomplished men and women on earth did not invest their lives, time and dollars into improving medicine, furniture, electrical appliances, we wouldn(t be where we are today. )e wouldn(t have things we have now. )e won(t be en'oying gourmet food, typing emails to our friends, talking on our mobile phones or taking digital pictures. )e are far wealthier than any time period8 +eing classy is simply a way of life. It is being all you can be and living your best life. )hy ,ou Should +e /lassy Firstly, it is beautiful. It is also a way of experiencing a life of :uality and living well. 2aybe you(ll like to sociali e with people you admire. *eople who are refined will identify you as "one of them". 2aybe you want to do business with high net worth clients. +ecause you(ve ac:uired these common traits with the (classy folks(, they(ll identify you as one of their own. !hey would want to sociali e with you, do business with you, marry you, welcome your children into marriages with theirs. Baving these connections can help you access opportunities not available to you before. 6ayers +e /lassy % !raits of /lass ;inie Sayles lists these traits of class as layers. I prefer to call them (traits(. !here are fourteen of them, though I(ve added the fifteen and sixteenth trait. She says that as long as you develop those layers, you can be classy, without money. She recommends to have at least #$. *lease note that these are mere descriptions of the intrinsic values of "class". It is one woman(s opinion .and mine0 and they are not facts.

#. 6ayer one % )ealth =. 6ayer two % 6ineage

@&#I==?HM1$$ E // +, =.$ G. 6ayer three % 2emberships H. 6ayer four % Education &. 6ayer five % 7rts @. 6ayer six % Social savvy I. 6ayer seven % *olitical clout >. 6ayer eight % !ravel sophistication ?. 6ayer nine % Sports #$. 6ayer ten % 5alues ##. 6ayer eleven % 7chievement #=. 6ayer twelve % Bobbies #G. 6ayer thirteen % *hilanthropy #H. 6ayer fourteen % 2anners and Self care I would like to include two other "layers" which is #&. 6ayer fifteen % Baving 7 good command of 6anguages #@. 6ayer Sixteen % 7 Refined 7ccent *lease click on each layerElink to read more about what each layer means. .I will be adding these layers from time to time0. +e /lassy % 3eveloping !hese 6ayers Each layer adds :uality to your life. 3eveloping these layers gives each of us a personali ed roadmap to how to be classy.

In doing so, we increase in our self confidence and knowledge. )e expand our minds, widen our hori ons, and begin to believe in ourselves. !hat is how, in general, we become classically elegant. It is impossible to write about everything in one page. !his series of (/lass( will be continued. !o keep updated with elegantwoman.org, you may subscribe or check the site(s blog. 1umber -ne /haracteristic of +eing /lassy 7ll these "traits" are not important if you don(t have the number one !rait of being /lassy. !hat is the most important.

2ar #I, =$## !he art of good conversation is essential to elegance. 7bout to attend a partyA )ould you like to gain an extra bit of confidenceA !he good conversationalist4 "Ideal conversation is an exchange of thought, not an elo:uent exhibition of wit or oratory." Emily *ost(s Eti:uette

!he ;ood /onversationalist From Emily *ost 2anners, /ontrary to popular belief, it is not essential to have a wide vocab or have lots of experiences. 7 good conversationalist is not to be a naturally a chatty person either. /onversation is a two way street. It(s a give and take. +ut how often it is that it(s all "take" or all "give"8 Self /heck !ime8 )e(ve all see the )-RS! types4

!he one who never stops talking. ,our turn to speak never comes. !he one who interrupts. !he one who gives mono answers. !he one who always argues. !he one who has no opinion. !he one who sounds rude .and is probably rude0. !he one who asks too many :uestions.

1ow, don(t fret if you identify yourself above. 766 of us have been one of them at some point or another. !he point of the page is to learn to be a good conversationalist, so you(re already on your way8 It is the power of knowledge. 3on(t +e 7fraid !o *ause Emily *ost 2anners say there is a simple guideline which one can live by and refrain from being a pest or a bore4 .)hich I think is pretty funny, by the way.0 !he ;olden Rule !o Refrain From +eing 7 *est or +ore Stop and think. 7udrey Bepburn said her mother told her "I" in conversations is boring. See 7udrey Bepburn Juotes. 3on(t *anic8 )hile not all of us are extroverts and are natural in the social scene, Emily *ost 2anners says if you dread meeting strangers because you might feel awkward without anything to say, or do not relate, don(t panic. "2ost conversational errors are committed not by those who talk too little but by those who talk too much." If you can(t think of anything to say, remember to ask general :uestions and don(t be afraid of pausing or saying, "Bmmm", "!hat(s an interesting point to buy some time." 3on(t worry about the rest of the conversation. 9ust one response at one

time.

russell'smith E // +, =.$ 1ot from Emily(s *ost manners, but my personal experience is...when talking to strangers, the best approach is to ask a few general :uestions. 7fter that, you can develop or branch off to a more interesting topic and discover some common interests. -therwise, you can (give( something of yourself and offer information to try to generate more conversation topics. For example, try describing something you have been doing lately, planning a trip, a vacation, a new hobby, cooking, food etc. !hrow the ball in their court % ask for suggestions .keep it light%hearted and general0, ask for an opinion, ideas. *ractice and you(ll eventually be able to talk to anyone. -ne tip to remember is to also avoid being in deep conversation with someone for more than five minutes. In a party or social setting, the idea is to move around. 3on(t linger or try to make a friendship out of a new person. See also Social Ease % ;race ,our )ay !hrough *arties.

6ess !alk, 2ore 6istening 6istening In the 7rt of /onversation Really listen. 6ook at the person when heEshe is talking and pay attention 3on(t interrupt. 3on(t give advice. Rely on sincerity, clarity and intelligent choice of sub'ect. 7re ,ou ;iving 7 SpeechA 7 funny passage I 'ust had to include which goes something like this, "If there are three participants in a conversation and the one who talks more

than one third of a time isn(t having a conversation but giving a speech !hinking +efore Speaking Emily *ost Eti:uette is right when she says, nearly all the faults of the conversation are caused by a lack of consideration. See "Bow to be 6ovely" !hink about whether the person you are talking to is interested in your topic, at least pointedly. )ould a person who does not know anything about classical music be interested in the latest schedule of the San Francisco -rchestraA !hat can be said the same for newly engaged brides who talk all about their wedding in the presence of their single friends, or new parents who talk of their child as if no one else had ever born children. 7lso, don(t speak in another language in the presence of others who do not speak your language. 3on(t speak in your professional lingo, because if I(m not a doctor, I wouldn(t appreciate anything you have to say in a conversation filled with medical terms.

3o employ tact. Cse, "It seems to me..." or "2aybe I(ve mis%read.."

.especially when someone insists on a piece of information0. )hen disagreeing, do so gently with lots of (disclaimers( otherwise the opponent will think you are calling her a liar. !ry to change the sub'ect the minute you feel it might escalate into an argument. "I" is the smallest letter in the alphabet. 3on(t make it the largest word in your vocabulary. % 3orothy Sarnoff. ;ood4 ")hat do you thinkA" +ad4 "I think..." *ay /ompliments8 Emily *ost Eti:uette !ips4 *ay compliments8 +e sincere, be light hearted when doing it, don(t go overboard or explain. <eep it short and simple and it will brighten up someone(s day8 Responding to compliments4 For example, "!hat(s a beautiful dress8" Respond. "!hank you very much8", "I(m so glad you like it." 3on(t belittle and say, "-h this is an inexpensive dress", "-h an old dress", "-r reallyA I don(t think it really fits me". If you want to return the compliment, say "-h yes, its so hard to find a pretty dress these days, where did you get your dressA I was admiring too." Bow to !ell 7 (Secret( .1ot by Emily *ost Eti:uette 2anners0

mo'odenbowsphotostudio E // +, =.$ 1ever tell anyone about a bra strap sticking out or a run in her stocking unless you are her close friend. +ut if you see an un ipped skirt, a popped out button, a smudge of make up on nose or greens in her teeth, please tell her discretely. Bowever, if you see a man(s fly un ipped, do not tell him unless you are total strangers. +etter to ask a male person tell him.

!aboo /onversation !opics Emily *ost Eti:uette on !aboo /onversation !opics4 /onversations should not be about someone else, especially in a group, even in a group of close friends. I know it is impossible sometimes. +y limit that conversation about that person to G$ seconds. If they talked about the way they did about someone when they are not around, imagine what they would say about you when you are not there8 Bow !o Stop 7 *erson From !alking +ad 7bout Someone ,ou <now *eggy *ost :uotes, "-ne of the kindest people I know, when faced with this situation, immediately halts the speaker by saying, ";oodness +arbara, 7driane always says such nice things about you8", and then immediately change the topic.

1o matter how strongly tempted you are to pass along a nasty comment or to 'oin in a group talking unkindly about another, don(t do it. It doesn(t 'ust defame the character of the other, it makes you look bad.

7 6ist -f ;ood 2anners

2anners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. NEmily *ost !he test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones. N;abirol .Solomon ben ,ehuda ibn ;abirol0, !he /hoice of *earls 7 6ist -f ;ood 2anners L /ommon /ourtesies /ourtesies evolve as society changes, though the root of courtesy is kindness and consideration for others. In the list of good manners, I reali ed that it is the (little things( that matter the most. 6ittle gestures make a world of difference. ;ood -ld Fashioned 2anners #. Saying please and thank you =. 1ever intentionally embarrassing another

pagedooley E // 1ever talking only about oneself G. 1ot gossiping H. 1ot prying &. 1ot asking personal :uestions @. 1ot staring I. 1ot pointing at someone >. 3ressing appropriately ?. 1ot talking loudly #$. 1ot asking intrusive personal :uestions

See /onverse with /lass % Bow 1ot !o /onverse 2anners !oday, 7 6ist of ;ood 2anners from Emily *ost 2anners In her book "Emily *ost on Eti:uette", she writes about how a common slogan, "*ractice Random 7cts of <indness" provoked her thoughts. <indness and courtesy needn(t always be deliberate and planned. Spontaneous kindness is an attribute of a person who already is well% mannered and courteous and whose natural instinct for courtesy is demonstrated in everything he or she does. !hat is certainly true, though I think it is the other way round. 2anners, Eti:uette and /ourtesy, rather are attributes of kindness. +ut I get her point, kindness and courtesy should flow and need not be deliberate or planned. 7 kind and well mannered person acts the same way when nobody is looking. !hough, she adds, )hen we get so busy and absorbed in what we have to do, it is nice to have a reminder that acts of kindness make our world a pleasanter place to live. ;reeting 2anners !oday 7 list of ;ood ;reeting 2anners4 #. =. G. H. &. @. I. Smile Repeat that person(s name when introduced to you Remember their name8 ask Bow are youA 7nswer your :uestions with positivity Respect boundaries especially if it is a first time meeting Say nice to meet you, lovely meeting you.

See also 2anners 6essons *lans for teaching manners to children. Eating, 3ining 2anners !oday

7 list of ;ood 3ining 2anners #. =. G. H. Sit with good posture 6ay the napkin on your lap Start eating only when the host has started If there is no obvious (host(, wait for everyone else before you start eating. &. <eep your mouth closed when chewing. @. !ake small bites. I. Eat :uietly. >. Say excuse me when you have to use the restroom ?. <eep your area clean and tidy. #$. 1o double dipping unless you are dining with a culture where all the dishes are shared.

See French !able 2anners, !en /ommon 3ining 2istakes. 6earn also to set the table properly. ;eneral 2anners !oday 7 list of ;ood 2iscellaneous 2anners #. Sit and walk straight. 2aintain good posture at all times. =. 6augh, smile, giggle, cry with dignity. 3o not make a scene. 3o not slap your knees, 'erk forward or roar with your mouth wide open when you laugh or bawl loudly at the sidewalk when you are sad. See Bow to have Elegant ;estures and *oise. G. !ry to make as little noise as possible in all situations. .when you eat, walk, talk, sit, run etc.0 1o slurping, chewing noisily, crunching, e.g. cracking knuckles. H. 2obile *hone Eti:uette4 3o not be occupied with your phone when with people. &. Smile, be interested in the surroundings. (Reverse engineer(. /an you imagine 7udrey Bepburn looking bored at a dinner party, even though she has attended hundredsA

@. 3ress appropriately. It is generally rude to call a certain attention to yourself. Such as wearing 'eans to a wedding, looking sloppy etc I. Speak properly 2ake it habit to pronounce your words and use correct grammar. Refrain from mumbling or speaking too fast. 7void slang, calling people by their pet names or short forms unless you are close to them. Speak as grammatically correctly as you can. >. 1ever assume anything about anyone. "She(s so rich, it(ll be okay if I don(t pay her back for lunch." Be(s the guy, I should not offer to pay for parking." "Someone will take surely give you a lift home." ?. 1ever touch another person(s things or children unless invited to. #$. !o be on the safe side, never talk about money. "Bow much does it costA", ")hat did you pay for your houseA", "Bow much do you earnA", "Bow much do you make from your business.",")hat is your commission likeA" etc. Remember, manners are kindness8 I remember going shopping with a friend who had expensive tastes and whose father had deep pockets .and was very generous with her0. I used to assume girls like her bought shoes from all the expensive brands, shoes I can(t afford. I didn(t like going shopping with her because I assumed all girls went places I couldn(t afford. 2y family put me up at her place at that time, while my place was getting ready, and so one evening we had a party to go together that night and I needed a pair of black heels. She dragged me all over her favourite shops and I remember trying on the most expensive pair I(ve ever tried on, D@&$ pair of Ferragamo shoes. 7nd this was easily more than ten years ago. 2y feet felt and looked beautiful. +ut I wasn(t prepared to part with D@&$ so I went on trying other shoes. 7t the end of the day, I only wanted to spend D#$$ and so I walked into a shoe shop chain and tried a pair of shoes which only cost D#=&. 1ow that I(m more conscious of :uality due to Rachel who encouraged me .and out of

peer pressure I did0 to try on, these shoes did not feel good at all. !he leather%ish material was obviously a cheap pvc and it 'ust looked bland on my feet. I could not bring myself to buy it even though it was a lot closer to my budget. )e walked around a bit more, and found a good :uality pair for D#&$. I(ve since worn that shoe for at least the next five years which was especially reserved for special occasions. Since then, I slowly established a habit and knack for finding good :uality shoes for reasonable prices. I was so satisfied with my purchase, that I felt no need to go out shopping for more "perfect" things. )hat happenedA I increased my eye and my desire for :uality. 2y consciousness for :uality has increased by leaps and bounds. 7nd as a result, my senses for filtering out the best :uality, design have become more acute and this is how you develop an ex:uisite taste. )hat is an Ex:uisite tasteA "Ex:uisite" is defined by the dictionary of having or being of "e*treme beauty of delicacy". )e can also get a better idea of the meaning of "ex:uisite" by taking a look at its synonyms. Synonyms of ex:uisite taste4 discerning, discriminating, sensitive, selective, refined, cultured, educated, cultivated. I always tell my clients that learning to be elegant and developing an ex:uisite eye or taste is more important than having money. I(m of the belief that sometimes when a girl or woman starts out with having too much money, it may be hard for her to develop good taste. !hat is why we see the (vulgar rich( side of some newly rich folks who are flashy and distasteful in their choice of clothes, houses, cars etc. +eing elegant and ex:uisite is about discerning :uality, learning how to sift and select or edit. )hen you have too much choices or have the ability to buy absolutely anything you want, you tend to be la y and not think your choices thoroughly. )hen you have too much, it is hard to be elegant. !hat is why I personally fight against excess in my life as well. -f course, this is 'ust a generalisation. I(ll explain in greater detail below. Bow 3oes -ne 3evelop an Ex:uisite Eye and !asteA

Firstly, develop an attitude that you want to afford the best for yourself. !reat yourself first class. Sometimes the reason why we succumb to buying cheap things for ourselves is not that we want to save money, but we feel we are not worth spending on. )e are not good enough. Instead of splurging on a bunch of cheap things, tell yourself you will only allow yourself to buy one good dress or pair of shoes etc. 9ust one. 7s you look around for that one pair of good shoes, you(ll learn how to discern :uality because you are deciding on how best to spend that top dollar. ,ou(ll also start thinking of the type that enable you the most uses, and naturally, you(ll start accumulating the classics, if you haven(t already build a classic wardrobe. Experiencing :uality and being exposed to :uality inevitably develops your skill in identifying value. ,ou(ll be a very wise bargain hunter, because the things that you buy, you won(t get sick of. ,ou won(t have to throw away so much, and thus house will not be filled with clutter. ,ou(ll find that you won(t have to do a wardrobe edit so often. -nce you are confident enough in your discernment of :uality, and knack for finding beautiful things on your own, you won(t have to rely on designer labels any longer. *ersonally, I find it helpful to learn about good fabric, the maintenance and care for it and to have a tailor. It is also helpful to find a few good reliable brands that you can go to in a 'iffy if you need something. I have a mental directory of good shops for basics, for dresses or sports clothes etc. Bow !o Shop Ex:uisitely 7sk ,ourself !hese Juestions 7s ,ou ;o Shopping 3oes it look cheapA )ill .insert your elegant role model(s name0 wear thisA 3oes it feel goodA Is it a good :uality materialA 3oes it fit me wellA )ill I feel like a million bucks in thisA /an I pair this with at least G%& items in my current wardrobeA )here will I wear this toA )hat shoes will I wear this withA 3oes it suit my lifestyleA Bow often do you think I(ll wear this in a monthA .!his gives you an idea of whether you are aspiration shopping or honest lifestyle shopping.0 3o you feel a little pinch in the heart buying thisA .If yes, sometimes this is a good sign, which means you really really value

it.0 Is it love at first sightA -r you are buying it only because it is practicalA .+uy only if it(s love.0 Shopping Ex:uisitely4 Bow !o Shop 6ike 7n Elegant )oman Follow these classic principles4 If you have been convicted like I have to have the dream wardrobe of an elegant woman, we must first be ruthless with our wardrobe. +efore shopping, go to your wardrobe and discard all clothing that is not flattering. )ear only those that looks good on you. If you don(t love it, or are not feeling it, let it go8 !ell yourself, from now on, you(ll only invest in terrific outfits8 )hy did I say investA +ecause you(ll now buy things only with a long term view in mind. 7lthough this is so clichOP, remember and believe that "6ess is more." )hat to buyA /lothes or things that you(ll love. .7lthough I(ve written more specifically to clothes, these principles can be applied to anything we buy4 books, food, things for the house etc.0 )hat you need. /lassics first, then "personality items". If you have a tight budget, you may buy a few classics and mix them with cheaper .reasonable :uality0 items. Juality. )hat !o 7void +uying 7void tight fitting clothes and that shows too much flesh. 7nything that looks cheap, even though it is expensive. 2y friend who has deep pockets turned up for my party the other day in a 3olce and ;abbana !%shirt imprinted with a photo /laudia Schiffer naked on the front. I was taken aback because I always thought he wore very expensive things. I asked myself, ")hy is he wearing this cheap !%shirtA" and later on, I reali ed it was 3olce and ;abbana when I went shopping and saw that picture. So the conclusion is, expensive and :uality things can still look cheap8 7nything that is ostentatious.

3o Elegant )omen 7void SalesA Sometimes, when it looks like a meat market and feels like one. +ut do not believe that all elegant women avoid sales. 2ore often than not, they know where the sales are and almost never pay retail8 +ut the reason why I write this is to caution you about sales. +eware of sales, which tempt you to spend more than you should. Sales are only for the savvy8 Shopping at Sales ",ou may even get a good deal of satisfaction out of the sales, provided that you are armed with lots of courage and the will power to resist the temptation of some darling little outfit which in the end is terribly expensive when you reali e that, while it may have cost you (nothing(, it is worth practically nothing to you." % 2dm ;enevieve 7ntoine 3ariaux 7lthough sales are great for getting more value of :uality items, never let "sales" influence your decision on whether to purchase or not. 7sk yourself, why didn(t you buy at full priceA 3id you not love it enoughA Sales are perfect for stocking up things you love, or for trying out a new style that you(ve always wanted to but are not sure. 1o matter how big the sale, only buy what you absolutely love. Juote by Shakespeare on shopping "/ostly thy habit as thy purse can buy but not expressed in fancyQ rich but not gaudy, for the apparel oft proclaims the man." !his is to illustrate the essence of good shopping. If you shop badly, you are wasting your money, time and efforts. ,ou also add to the clutter of your home. ,our less%than%ideal choice of clothes tell people who you are. !he Issue of Juantity "-ne of the most striking differences between a well%dressed 7merican woman and a well%dressed *arisienne is the si e of their respective wardrobes." 2dm ;enevieve 7ntoine 3ariaux I think when 2dm ;enevieve 7ntoine 3ariaux wrote that, she has not met 7sians, whom I think have the most clutter8 +ut that(s another story. I(ve been to *aris and I(ve met *arisians.

!o set the record straight, I don(t believe every single *arisian is well% dressed. Bowever, from my experience, I(ll admit that *arisians have a propensity towards :uality than others. 7nd since we are generali ing here, maybe it is more fitting for me to say, the general european. )hile everyone else looks for the cheapest, europeans look for the best they can afford. Sometimes even forgoing some necessities in the process. It is common for them to go without until they find the perfect one. If they want a certain pair of shoes or mink coat, they put money away for months in order to purchase it. +asically, they take a longer time to buy anything. !hey never buy on impulse. !hus, you can say that :uanity is not a priority. 7 Small Juality and Ex:uisite )ardrobe In a well%dressed woman(s wardrobe, every piece is carefully selected, which had to pass a high standard of fit and :uality, and perfectly adapted to the lifestyle that she leads. -nce deciding to buy only what she really loves, the clothes are worn over and over, and seldom are tired of it until they are worn out or out%of% fashion, where they are then discarded. !hey sometimes go through many states of repair before they are fully done with it. 7n elegant person expects their clothes to last. She owns very few sets of daily wear at one time4 items such as socks, lingerie, everyday shoes, gloves and other expendable items but replaces them fre:uently, though the classic items like coats, purses, handbags, luggages and travel holders are expected to last for years. For expendable items4 ;et them in a good department store for reasonable :uality. Search for good reliable brands or bouti:ues. !o value :uality and to be ex:uisite is a way of life. /ontrary to popular opinion, developing an ex:uisite eye and taste is the opposite of extravagance. 2dm ;enevieve 7ntoine 3ariaux writes in her book 7 ;uide to Elegance that the answer .to how a young career girl in *aris can afford its high prices0 is that she buys very few garmentsQ her goal is to possess a single perfect ensemble for each of the different occasions in her life, rather than a wide choice of clothes to suit every passing mood. -nly a few of us can afford to have everything in the wardrobe of the very finest :uality, but every budget can be stretched to cover a few basic luxury items, preferably those where :uality represent a long term investment and often means a saving in the end.

)e all know that a classic fine leather handbag % it lasts for life. If you can(t always afford the best :uality, try going for simple ensembles with medium :uality. Invest in a few :uality accessories and these can add prestige to an outfit for e.g. a lovely umbrella, a cashmere sweater, a very charming bracelet and give the appearance of a fine ensemble. /ommunication3on(t Cnderestimate the *ower of /ommunication Effective communication is an essential skill set in both our business and personal lives. 7s a certified 16* practitioner .1euro%6inguistic *rogramming0, I have experienced the power of mastering the art of rapport. !he human brain processes information and stores our life experiences in the modalities of visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory and gustatory. In other words we remember things using our five senses. Research indicates that seeing, feeling and hearing are the three main modalities and each person operates primarily in one of these main modalities. Instant rapport can be established by matching and mirroring the person we are interacting with. !he results are dramatic8 !o apply this valuable skill set it is imperative to become aware of the language pattern they are speaking in. 7re they using 5ISC76 words such as4 see, focused, crystal clear, it appears to me, you get the picture, take a dim view and a sight for sore eyesA -r perhaps they are using 7C3I!-R, words such as4 it sounds like, I gave him an earful, that(s unheard of, that rings a bell, tongue%tied, 'ust say it or tuned in. !he other main modality is <I1ES!BE!I/ and this person will use words like4 pull some strings, it boils down to, you can sense, can you imagine, touch base with, a pain in the neck and lay your cards on the table. )hen you have determined the style of communication the other person is most comfortable using, respond in the same manner and express your

thoughts and ideas using the same modality. !his is a sure%fire techni:ue to establish rapport and people buy from those they know, like and trust. )ith a little practice this skill set will become second nature and ensure a huge advantage in the communication game. Sure Fire /onfidence +uilders )eigh the /onse:uences 7sk yourself what are the conse:uences of success and of failure. If I fail what will happenA If I succeed what will happenA ,ou will be relieved to discover that the conse:uences of failure are not as scary or severe as they may have seemed. ,ou will gain courage and a greater level of expertise every time you step out of your comfort one. Feel the fear and do it anyway. 6earn to 6augh at ,ourself *eople who can laugh at themselves greatly ease their performance anxieties. 2ost of the problems you encounter in life can be dealt with and if it is not a life or death situation...this too shall pass. !ake work seriously, but not yourself. !ake a 3eep +reathe +reathe deeply. )hen we are nervous, we tend to take very shallow breathes of air. !his deprives us of oxygen and intensifies the fear factor. /oncentrate on taking deep breathes of air. Forget 7bout +eing *erfect 2ost performance anxieties stem from trying to achieve the impossible goal of being perfect. Failure is a great teacher. *repare, rehearse and own your sub'ect matter. ,ou are not absolved from doing your bestQ 'ust don(t strive for perfection. !alk your )ay to the !op 1ot speaking well can stop a career in midstream. Speaking poorly may grate on the ears of the listener, but seldom will well%mannered people tell

you about it. +ody language is also a powerful form of communication. 9ust turn on the television without the volume and you will be surprised at how another person(s feelings are showcased through their body language and posturing. In today(s global marketplace, the ability to speak a foreign language is an invaluable skill and is a professional courtesy to those we interact with around the world. Familiarity with some foreign expressions is considered to be the mark of an educated person. 7 few examples4 parle %vous anglais..........French for "do you speak English" s(il vous plait pardonEexcuse %moi.........French for "please excuse me" entre nous............a French expression for "between us" yoroshika onegai shimasu...........9apanese for "pleased to meet you" kanpai shimasu .............9apanese for "drink a toast" buenas noches..........Spanish for "good evening" como esta...........Spanish for "how are you" habla usted ingles.........Spanish for "do you speak English" buon giorno..........Italian for "good morning" come si chiama..........Italian for "what is your name" vorrei fare una prenota ione.........Italian for "I would like to make a reservation" 2emori ing a few expressions and words will give you the meet%and%greet skills and the ability to make a selection from a menu in French, Spanish, 9apanese, Italian and Swahili. !hrough my seminars and executive coaching, I have had the opportunity to interact with people from many cultures. !his has proven to be the highlight of my career. !he /harisma Factor

*eople communicate with their entire beings, not 'ust their words. In fact, words account for only seven percent of the message and the remaining ninety%three percent is based on our visual presentation and our body language. It is a known fact that our body language and actions will be believed before the spoken word. +efore you can master a charismatic or leadership presence it is imperative to know and understand a few of the physiological assessments others are making on a subconscious level. people are assessing you in the following ways4 *osturing4 6eaning forward or backwardA Standing straight or hunched overA 7rms or legs crossedA +ody 2ovements4 Rhythmic or intermittentA +ody swaying or motionlessA Smooth or erratic movementsA Eye /ontact4 /onstant, fleeting, regular or irregularA +reathing4 From the upper, middle or lower stomachA Regular or irregularA 2uscle !one4 7re the facial muscles relaxed or tenseA -bserve the 'aw muscles and the muscles around the eyes. Juality of the 5oice4 !empo...fast or slowA 6oud or softA 5olume...soft, normal or loudA Is the pitch low, normal or highA ,our voice communicates your natural leadership presence as much as five times more powerfully than that actual words spoken. ,ou must develop a powerful, graceful voice. !he powerful presence of charismatic leaders stems from their ability to communicate their emotions. /harismatic leaders have an intense mental focus on their message and their thoughts do not stray. !he /harismatic *erson has a passionate commitment, uses optimistic language, is emotionally expressive and has a high level of personal congruency.

2aking 7n Entrance % !he *ause !hat Impresses Important people get noticed immediately. )ith a combination of attitude and actions, top people exude an aura of self%confidence and control when they make an entrance. !hey are in control of the situation, the impression they make on others and in control of themselves. Successful people are apt to pause when they enter a room. 7 pause that impresses is not necessarily a long pause. It is not a pause of hesitation or indecisiveness. It is a purposeful, strategic, psychological or conversational "break in the action." 7 purposeful pause ensures that you don(t go unnoticed. 1ervous, self% conscious people tend to hurry. /onfident people pause. !hey know that several seconds of silence increase their power base. *ause when entering a room. Stop briefly in the doorway to make your presence known. 1ever assume an apologetic air. +ause when entering the limelight . Even a slight pause ensures more control over the audience. +ause during one,on,one interactions. Strategic silences allow you to emphasi e important points and maintain control of the conversation. 7 pause has a very powerful impact as it announces your presence nonverbally, provides you with an opportunity to look people in the eye and calmly si e up the situation. ,ou can set yourself apart with 'ust the slightest pause. !he Four Rules of Intimacy *sychologists have established a few basic rules of distance between people in both personal and business situations. In the first five minutes there are personality dynamics at work that have a great deal to do with determining psychological intimacy. 3istances people use in communicating with one another can be divided into four categories, beginning with the least intimate and moving to the most intimate. !he categories are4 lecture distance, business distance, personal distance and intimate distance. 6ecture distance is more than twelve feet from another person. +usiness distance is a range of twelve feet to four feet. Csually exhibited in business

situations, store clerks, conversations on the street and other casual meetings. *ersonal distance is from four feet to one and a half feet. *ersonal distance is showcased between business associates who know one another fairly well or who are working together on a pro'ect. Intimate distance is from one and a half feet to eighteen inches or less. !his range is reserved for intimate business friends, long%time partners, members of the business family or someone you are seriously interested in. !hese are unwritten rules and should be respected. *eople indicate through their body language the comfort level they have with you. 6earn to read the subtle messages and earn their trust and the right to do business with them. *eople buy from those they know, like and trust. !he Four Seasons of Intimacy 3uring the first five minutes of a meeting the expected distance is between twelve and four feet. !here are several different stages of business and social intimacy involving people from twelve to four feet away. 6et(s refer to these stages as "seasons." 1ot as is the seasons of the year but as in degrees of warmth. !he order has to do with increasing business intimacy. !he four seasons are4 the eye season, the body season, the lean season and the touch season. !he "eye" season is the opening glance between two people in a business situation. It involves looking directly into the eyes of the person you are facing or addressing. )hen that person returns your ga e, eye contact is established. !he "body" season refers to the orientation of your body towards the body of your companion. )hen two people are facing one another they are positioned for intimacy. !he "lean" season represents increased business intimacy. Eye contact has been established, the bodies are facing one another for maximum viewing

and accessing. Intimacy is increased as they lean forward, usually from the hips. !he "touch" season represents the final closing of the circuit of intimacy. )hen you touch the other person with your hand, business intimacy has been completed and trust has been established. !he handshake is the ultimate seal of confidence and assurance and many business deals have been sealed with a handshake. /ommunicate For Results !he foundation of personal and professional success lies in understanding yourself, understanding others and reali ing the impact of your behavior on others. !here are four primary behaviorEcommunication styles4 3ominant, Influence, Steadiness and /onscientious. !he 3ominate person is logical and unemotional. !hey are reserved and distant. !hey want facts and accurate information. !hey are not swayed by your enthusiasm or personality. !hey ask penetrating :uestions and demand specific responses. !he Influencing person is friendly and outgoing. !hey are easy to approach and work through challenges by talking them out with friends and co% workers. !hey en'oy doing business over lunch, are sociable and love to entertain. !he Steadiness person is easy going, steady and dependable. !hey are good team players and are content to work in the background. !hey like :uiet recognition. !he /onscientious person needs facts and details before they will come to a decision. !hey are task focused. Each of us will have one dominate style and a secondary behavioral style. 7 good team consists of people who exhibit all of the above behavioral styles. *ower *eople /ontrol *eople

*ower *eople know who they are and what they want out of life, and they have a very realistic sense of how to get it. !hey always have a game plan. !hey chart their own course and do their own thinking. )hen they lead, others follow. !hey are effective and get results. *ower people are builders and creators. *ower people are straight forward and they "shoot from the hip." !hey place a high value on achievement and they get satisfaction from their accomplishments. !hey find 'oy in their lives and see good in the world. Bistory(s prominent *ower *eople are celebrated as our heroes and leaders. 2any of these people are showcased in the "halls of fame" and the history books. !hey are 1obel *ri e winners and citi ens of the year. !hey en'oy successful careers, are doing well in school andEor are raising happy families. ;enerally they are pleasant people to be around and you leave feeling better for their company and their positive energy. /ontrol *eople are up only if someone else is down. !heir tendency is to destroy or tear down other people and their accomplishments. ,ou can never drop your guard around these people. ,ou can(t do business with these people and stay honest with your values. !hey are the bullies and they throw their weight around. !hey pick on the underdog. )hether their style is physical violence or subtle psychological warfare, their aim is to control other(s actions and reactions. /ontrol *eople are insecure, miserable souls. /ertain types of relationships tend to breed control behavior. 3ependence brings out impudence. 7buse provokes revenge. /ontrol people in authority foster it in others. /ontrolling parents pass it along to their children. !he control people resent and envy the power people. !hey get their biggest payoffs from getting away with things and from being in control. !o destroy a control person, get him in a position where he is forced to admit, publicly and to himself, that he is wrong. /ontrol *eople can operate only if 5ictims are available. *ower *eople don(t need victims. 5ictims are the ob'ects of someone else(s control, and without them the /ontrol *eople would be out of business. 5ictims are confused and ignorant people who lack direction, motivation, strength, and competence. 5ictims allow people to influence them to their own

disadvantage. 5ictims don(t make it into the history books, except as statistics. 2ost of us have both *ower and /ontrol tendencies. In some areas our vulnerabilities leave us open to other people(s control, making us a 5ictim. 3ealing with /ontrol *eople the "win%win" model breaks down. *ower people use their performance power to attain their goals. /ontrol *eople use their physical skills to bully or intimidate, their shrewdness to manipulate, and their wit to embarrass or humiliate. *eople use sex and money as instruments of control. *ower *eople spend their dollars wisely. /ontrol *eople spend their dollars to make an impact on others through flashy 'ewelry, fur coats, D#&$,$$$. cars, and designer labels with astronomical price tags. +e aware, choose wisely. 7ctions speak louder than words. !he *ower of *ositive Reinforcement 2ost of us as busy people have a "to do" list. ,ou probably write your list and then cross the items off one by one, usually beginning with the easy things on the list to give yourself a sense of accomplishment. -ccasionally, at the end of the day you remember something that you accomplished during the day that wasn(t on the list.....so, you stop and put it on your list and cross it off with a flourish. ,es, one more thing accomplished today8 -nly one problem, you have been rewarding yourself for doing the least important, fun or easy things. )hen you reward yourself for doing these things of lesser importance, your to%do list will become a magnet for unimportant activities and small daily chores. !he feeling of being overwhelmed or the fear factor stops us from tackling our biggest challenges and our highly leveraged activities first. ;enerally when you hesitate or resist doing something the reason is fear of failure. Fear blocks our success. Fear is an expensive habit. Feel the fear and do it anyway8 2ay I suggest that you reward yourself for doing the critical and most important things and the world will reward you as well. !he process of

rewarding yourself is called positive reinforcement. )hen you reward yourself for your successes and your positive actions, you will find that you will have more and more successes...almost effortlessly. Experience the exhilaration of success. ,ou deserve it8 7mbassador !ips 9ust image you were being video taped every waking hour of your day. If you knew the camera was rolling, how would you stand, how would you get in and out of a car, how would you eat that bowl of soup or fast%food burgerA )ould you really dump the contents of your ash tray out the window of your car, would you really chew gum in publicA )ould you really put your feet up on the deskA !hink of yourself as an ambassador. Bow would the ambassador of your company act, look and speakA )hat gestures, body stances or social graces would you exhibit as the ambassadorA I worked in Singapore a few years ago and was thrilled to find that gum chewing was non%existent. )hen the decree came down, gum was abolished in Singapore within twenty%four hours. For those visual learners, think of a cow chewing its cud and liken that to a person chewing gum. 1ot a pleasant, sight is itA If a person throws a cigarette butt on the street in Singapore, a fine is levied for D#$$$. If you think of a person licking an ash tray, the immediate reaction would be "yuck." /ould this not be likened to kissing a smokerA 2illion 3ollar 2anners E:ual ;ood +usiness ;reetings 7round the )orld4 !he handshake is the most common form of greeting in the )estern world. -ther cultures may greet you with bows, applause or prayerful hands. In some parts of the world, looking someone in the eye is offensive and in other parts of the world, you may appear dishonest or shifty if you do not give direct eye contact. Europeans may give the double cheek kiss, other cultures may greet each other by shaking with both hands. Respect is shown with a very deep bow in some parts of 7sia. Success can be assured by observing others and ac:uiring some basic knowledge in advance.

!he *ower of Face is essential knowledge when doing business in international circles. 7merican(s may refer to this as "saving face." In other cultures, the power of face is a dominant facet of everyday life. Face is associated with 7sian cultures and in the simplest of terms means that you do nothing that would embarrass another person, especially one that you wish to do business with. ;ender Relations 7round the )orld4 In countries where women have achieved prominence in business, they are usually treated as e:uals. In countries such as ;ermany or the 7rab culture, manners will be :uite traditional. 2en will stand when a woman enters the room or they may hold her chair out for her at the dining table. 2en generally do not know what rules women are living by, so women....extend your hand first, smile and introduce yourself.

+usiness /ard Exchange *rotocol *roper protocol in business and social situations usually includes the card exchange. 7 person of higher rank may offer their card to you. 7ccept the card and look at it for a few seconds. If appropriate make a positive comment about the card, such as the logo, the design, :uality of the paper or embossing. )hen presenting a card, present it properly4 face up and the writing so it can be read. !he card must be clean and crisp. /ards should be kept in a handy pocket rather than deep in a handbag or wallet. 1ever leave home without your business cards.

!he Ritual of !ea 7s the pendulum begins to swing away from casual business dressing and toward a return to elegance, we are also experiencing the return of manners, eti:uette and the social graces. !he art and ceremony of !E7 has made a comeback for business and social entertaining. In most ma'or cities, one or more hotels now serve low tea andEor high tea between the hours of two and six o(clock.

6ow tea comes with small sandwiches and sweets rather than the more abundant selection that is considered high tea. !ea is incredibly civili ed and is a gracious and refined way to do business. Imagine sitting down in a :uiet, elegant area of a hotel away from the frantic pace of the office and the timeless ritual of tea begins. 7 hot, steaming pot of tea, properly steeped with some light sandwiches and the mind and the body seem both energi ed and relaxed. !o be a truly gracious host consider ordering tea for the table and acting as host or hostess and pouring the tea. -r, if the tea is brought to the table in individual pots, each person should pour their own tea. !ea is served with lemon or milk, never cream. In India, a delightful tea is en'oyed by adding the loose tea leaves, milk, cinnamon sticks and cloves into the tea pot and allowing them to steep for several minutes before being brought to the table. In England you will be asked if you prefer your tea black or white. *roper eti:uette is to stir once or twice using the teaspoon and then set the spoon on the saucer. Cse the teaspoon :uietly and do not lick it8 If using milk, add the milk to the cup prior to pouring the tea. +usiness can be discussed before tea is served, during tea or after tea. !he Rit is famous the world over for serving an elegant tea. I always make a point of en'oying tea at the Rit when traveling on business Finishing !ouches *ersonal packaging and the art of creating a memorable first impression is greatly enhanced with accessories. ,ou can use accessories to express your individuality and complete your "look." 7ccessories are the finishing touch and thought and care must be put into selecting the items to compliment your ensemble, your personality and the occasion. 7ccessories complete the look and make a statement. !here are five important considerations when selecting accessories.

/olor4 would you like to coordinate, contrast or accent your outfitA +alance4 keep your body proportions in mind, the accessories must balance the look Style4 accessories should have the same mood or feeling as the outfit !exture4 smooth fabrics work well with shiny metals, matt fabrics with dullEmatt metals /ompatibility4 different accessories to complement career, casual and eveningwear looks Scarves on the shoulder draw attention away from the hips *ins worn wide on the lapel appear to widen the shoulders and narrow the hips Bandbags do not have to match the shoes but should be complimentary Bosiery%never darker than your shoes +uy fewer items of higher :uality. !he only time it ever hurts to buy good :uality is the time you write the check8 ,ou are worth it.

;oing First /lass For 'ust a few pennies or a few dollars more, first class choices will give you a great deal of extra mileage. ,our business card and stationery need to be printed on high :uality paper. Select a :uality rollerball or fountain pen, a leather day%timer and briefcase. Select a first class restaurant when entertaining clients. 3ecorate your office with :uality furniture, award winning pla:ues and works of art. 3rive a car that is in good repair and clean inside and out. *urchase fewer items of higher :uality. Cse good manners and always think of yourself as an ambassador. Bow you treat yourself is how the world will treat you8

)hat ,our Image Says 7bout ,ou

)e all have an image, whether we design it consciously or not. Bow we look and feel about ourselves is heavily influenced by our childhood experiences and our self image as an adult. /lothing and appearance are among the most important criteria we use to 'udge people. /lothing in a business environment covers ninety percent of the body, so it is inevitable that it makes a very powerful statement. Successful people generally look successful. !hey wear clothing that looks attractive on them. !hey are well groomed, speak well and carry themselves with confidence. !he message that comes across is that they feel good about themselves. If you feel confident about your clothes, hairstyle and personal presentation you will send out a positive and confident message. /lothing and presence is a silent and powerful language, a visual shorthand. Is your personal presentation a true reflection of you at your bestA !here are lots of smart people languishing in the lower echelons of companies and one of the main reasons may be their lack of understanding the importance of image, personal presentation and effective communication skills. /ompanies place a premium on dress, manners, effective body language and the subtle rules of knowing precisely what to say and do in any given situation. 7s companies scramble to break into new markets and win global contracts, image has become the key that opens the door. !he demand for skills that enable executives to perform appropriately in business and social circles has skyrocketed. <ey players in the corporate arena are masters of communication and corporate vision. !he truly successful are aware that everything about their personal presentation and their corporate trappings must be coordinated and polished to pro'ect a message of congruency. *rofessional posturing and positioning is taking place at all levels within companies. Employees need to be aware that they are company ambassadors.

;ain the competitive edge and the raise in salary, benefits and positioning that comes with the knowledge of outstanding personal packaging with a personal and confidential consultation with 2s. Starr.

7 Return to Elegance !he dot.com companies are suffering, business casual has turned into weekend casual and sloppy dressers have crossed the line too many times. )all Street is rethinking the dress code, yacht and country clubs are hiring me to rewrite their dress code, party dresses for little girls are in and women are ready to look feminine again8 I(ve never been an advocate of slavishly following fashion however, wonderful things are happening. )ith the Return to Elegance, clothing is becoming more luxurious, dinner parties more lavish, men more dashing and women more feminine. So, it is out with those clunky heels and old lady shoes and it is in with the low cleavage and slender heels. I(m speaking about shoes here men, not dresses. *ant suits are out, skirts and dresses are in . It is out with the dark, harsh colors in nail polish and lipstick and in with light and approachable looks. Femininity is back8 It is out with the stodgy rep ties in heavy fabrics and in with the light weight silk ties in patterns so irresistible that I can(t resist touching. It is out with the 3ocker pants and in with the pleated dress trouser. So, if you have more " dash than cash "...... 2E14 a few great ties and to ensure the best possible choice, bring the 'acket with you when shopping. !hrow out those boring socks and splurge on the wonderful new looks in subtle patterns and colors. 1o white or loud patterns in socks. /uff links, tie pins and suspenders are in for a truly dashing look. )-2E14 2ore feminine styling in business suits, sheer stockings .Banes Silk Reflections make a great choice0, softer fabrics in dresses and glamorous evening dresses are back.

3ress to be memorable. 3ress to con:uer the world and strike a profile for profit. )hen I say that clothing can make you look good, what I(m really saying is that it makes you look authoritative, powerful, rich, reliable, responsible, friendly and other traits that are meaningful to you and others in business and social situations. Sei ing the #$R 7dvantage 7ttention to details. *eople only notice what you didn(t do as well as you could have or should have. It(s the ten percent advantage. Improve your posture by #$R. Cse a good :uality pen. *urchase high :uality merchandise when it is on sale. +uy fewer items of higher :uality and select garments that are outstanding on you rather than what is in fashion. Improve your grammar and diction by #$R. Cse direct eye contact. ;ive someone a genuine smile. Improve your dining skills by #$R. 2aster the art of European dining skills to ensure the competitive edge. )omen4 select a good :uality stocking. I recommend Banes Silk Reflections for the best stocking on the market. 2en4 select several outstanding ties. ,our tie is your personal signature. !he tie should be tied using a half )indsor knot and the length should be to the bottom of the belt buckle. Improve your people skills by #$R. ;ive someone a sincere compliment. In our casual world today, it is very easy to sei e the #$R advantage8

*rotocol and Eti:uette4 a 5ery Royal *erspective +y Royal*rotocol *ublished ##E=#E=$$> Royal /eremony and *rotocol Royal*rotocol Royal*rotocol is a =#%year%old student from 1orthern Ireland who has attended many royal events over the last few years. Be has been presented

to !he 3uke of Edinburgh and is often invited to state occasions such as the ;arter Service and Royal 2aundy distribution. Be therefore has an inside insight into the goings on at court and the eti:uette which surrounds !he Jueen and her family. 5iew all articles by Royal*rotocol In the face of a national decline in deference and decorum, the Royal Bousehold is one of the last bastions of good form, eti:uette, and protocol. 1o other institution prides itself :uite so much on its ability to ensure that at all times people are addressed correctly, letters meet with 3ebrett(s approval .in fact the Royal Bousehold usually sets the standard0, orders and decorations are worn correctly, and umbrellas are carried as in times gone by on )hitehall. !he -ld ;uard still reigns at +uckingham *alace.

Ber 2a'esty(s /ommands Baving attended various royal events over the past few years, I was surprised to see how traditional life surrounding the +ritish /ourt still was. 1o other institution could in this modern age still consider recommending that "women should wear hats" and advising that men wear "morning dress, uniform or lounge suits." )hite gloves are still the form, and they will stay immaculately clean as they glide along banisters, shake proffered royal hands, and wave goodbye in the ever% familiar royal manner. From the word "go," one is delighted to learn that "!he 6ord /hamberlain has been commanded by Ber 2a'esty to invite" you to some super%grand royal gathering. !hese commands range from invitations to the ever popular and massive afternoon parties in the gardens of +uckingham *alace or Bolyroodhouse to a state ban:uet in honour of a visiting Bead of State at +uckingham *alace. For us mere mortals these invitations are more likely to be to a "minor" function, a garden party, the ;arter service, or, for the newly honoured, an investiture. !he invitations are sent in cream envelopes addressed only to a wife .2rs

9ohn Smith, never 2rs 9ane Smith Sexcept for divorcTes, who have recently been allowed to enter the royal foldU0 in the case of couples, and they contain all the information you re:uire4 dress codes, arrivals and departures, parking, etc. !he rVle of loyal and dutiful sub'ect then falls to you. ;ood form dictates that one always accept !he Jueen(s invitations apart from the most exceptional cases. !he replies are sent to the member of the Bousehold through whom the command was conveyed, and one "has the honour to obey Ber 2a'esty(s command" after the traditional act of "presenting one(s compliments." 7 sample reply may read as follows4 'Mr and Mrs -harles "eaufort present their compliments to the Lord )teward and have the honour to obey Her Majesty's command to attend the )tate "an%uet at "uc!ingham +alace on #ednesday ./th March /001 in honour of Their Majesties the 2ing and 3ueen of The Hashemite 2ingdom of 4ordan.' From here you begin your path to one of the most memorable experiences of your life. !he most memorable royal gathering at which I have en'oyed being present was the ;arter Service in =$$I. I departed 6ondon for )indsor by train early on 2onday morning, dressed in my morning suit with my top hat, and was glad I had brought my umbrella. !he first half of the day was wet and dreary, and the Royal Bousehold was considering cancelling the *rocession of the ;arter <nights and bringing them to St. ;eorge(s /hapel by car. Bowever, by about #.G$ p.m. the skies cleared and it was decided that the procession would go ahead as planned, which I am sure was a relief to the crowds gathered in the /astle *recincts. !he congregation in the /hapel was seated by =.G$ p.m., and we eagerly awaited the progress of the procession through the nave into the Juire. !he heralds, clergy, and choir passed through the nave followed by the <nights of the ;arter. !he Royal <nights % *rincess 7lexandra the Bon. 6ady -gilvy, !he 3uke of <ent, !he 3uke of ;loucester,

!he 3uke of ,ork, !he *rincess Royal, and !he *rince of )ales % then processed to their seats. 7 fanfare was sounded, and !he Sovereign, accompanied by *rince *hilip 3uke of Edinburgh, made her progress to her stall. !he service began with a rousing rendition of two verses of ";od Save -ur ;racious Jueen." *rayers were offered for the Sovereign and the <nights living and departed of the 2ost Bonourable and 1oble -rder of the ;arter. !he hymns included "1ow thank we all our ;od" and "7ll creatures of our ;od and <ing." !he service concluded with the +lessing and a long procession, this time including !he Right Bon !he +aroness !hatcher 6; -2 and the spouses of the ;arter <nights. !here was then a 'olly carriage procession for the royal family, and we were lucky to see them return up the hill to the /astle after we left the /hapel by a side door. !he afternoon ended with a lovely tea in the 5icars( Ball and a tour of the /hapel to see the Sovereign(s Stall and the resting place of Bis 6ate 2a'esty <ing ;eorge 5I, Ber 6ate 2a'esty Jueen Eli abeth !he Jueen 2other, and !he 6ate *rincess 2argaret /ountess of Snowdon. It was :uite a sight to see the congregation, of which I was privileged to be a member, leave the castle, with the men dressed in morning suits and the ladies wearing hats and white glovesQ it really was a scene from a bygone age which thankfully is preserved on these state occasions organised so wonderfully by Ber 2a'esty(s Bousehold.

-beisance "Lady )usan 5Hussey6 is popular& hers is the deepest& bris!est and most correct curtsey& the taffeta of her low evening dress fairly crac!les in its swift drop to the carpet." S#U 2aking obeisance is not an idea ingrained in people(s mindsQ one has therefore to consider the reasons behind this ancient form of showing deep respect to someone of authority. !oday when you attend a royal function you may be shocked to see a line of bobbing ladies and bowing gentlemen. Bowever, this form does endure and provides a continuity at events attended by !he Jueen and her family. )hile it is no longer

considered absolutely necessary, many people still make their bows and curtseys to Ber 2a'esty and !heir Royal Bighnesses. ;one are the days when young women paraded before their Sovereign like vestal virgins adorned in white with feathers, trains, and fans to make their deep, reverential, and well% practised curtseys. !oday ladies may practise in front of their mirrors the night before they go to the *alace, but few take classes at the famous 6ondon finishing schools such as 6ucie /layton or dance classes at establishments such as 5acani(s School of 3ance, where !he *rincesses Eli abeth and 2argaret learned to dance as children. !he curtsey is a difficult manoeuvre to executeQ if it goes right it looks excellent as you descend towards the ground while shaking hands with !he Jueen, but if it goes wrong you may end up falling over and making a fool of yourself in Ber 2a'esty(s gracious presence. 7ccording to (ebrett's 7ew Guide to 8ti%uette and Modern Manners, "6ow sweeping curtseys, although usually well meant, are best reserved for the amateur dramatic stage and can be the sub'ect of some amusement within Royal circles. -pt instead for a brief bob with the weight on the front foot." S=U I must disagreeQ I have seen low sweeping curtseys performed with grace and deference and Ber 2a'esty appeared delighted. !he curtseys executed by 6ady !hatcher are one such example. Bowever, if you are likely to come to grief while attempting this feat, it is safest to stick with the experts( advice. 2en are blessed with having only to bow, the most simple act. 7 correct bow involves a deep nod, not a bow from the waist. +owing from the waist should be reserved for when you are in 9apan. )hen to make your obeisance is also a vexing :uestionQ it depends on the situation. 7t a church service, bow or curtsey as the royal personage passes on the way to or from his or her seatQ at a garden party or other social gathering, wait until presented or when the royal personage is passing. If in doubt, consult the Bousehold, who will be very helpful.

Ber 2a'esty(s Bousehold )hen you are attending royal events and are unsure about something, the Royal Bousehold is of great help and will answer any :uestionsQ the members of the Bousehold are always very well informed. It is important, however, to make sure that you contact the correct branch of the Bousehold for help with your particular situation. Each member of the royal family has his or her own Bousehold, so you should not telephone the Information -ffice at +uckingham *alace to en:uire if you should wear a lounge suit or dinner 'acket to a reception at <ensington *alace hosted by the 3uke and 3uchess of ;loucester. !he households of the individual members of the royal family vary in si eQ minor royals often have only three or four on staff. !he Jueen(s Bousehold does not deal with en:uiries regarding royal family members when the :uery is the remit of another household, so en:uiries should be directed to the appropriate *rivate Secretary. ,ou should be thoughtful and considerate when approaching one of the royal households4 try and get the right address or telephone number, and always have your :uestions prepared in advance. !hus, :uestions about !he Jueen(s invitations, etc., should be addressed to the appropriate department .in this case the department that issued the invitation0. 6ikewise, if you have :uestions regarding !he *rince of )ales and 3uchess of /ornwall, you should contact /larence Bouse. !he dress code for an event is always given on the invitation. 2orning dress for men consists of a grey or black morning coat with a grey or yellow waistcoat and striped grey trousers. 7 top hat should be worn, and grey or yellow gloves .matching your waistcoat of course80 should be carried. 6adies are in this case expected to wear smart day dress4 a suit or dress with hat and gloves, high heels, and a handbag to complete the outfit. 6ounge suits are 'ust plain business suits and are now the form for the ma'ority of occasionsQ again, smart day dress is the correct outfit for ladies. +lack tie calls for dinner 'ackets to be worn with a smart bow tie. 6adies should wear an evening or cocktail dress .it is best not to wear black,

which is really only appropriate only when the /ourt is in mourning0. Finally, white tie involves an evening tail coat with white bow tie and waistcoat for men and long evening dresses with long gloves and best 'ewellery including tiaras for the ladies. -rders and decorations are worn by everyone entitled to do so, though it is important not to wear the collar of an order .these never appear after sunset0. !he colour of Ber 2a'esty(s clothes is never made known in advance, so don(t be tempted to telephone the Bousehold before an event to make sure that you aren(t wearing the same colour or that your choice of outfit with clash with !he Jueen(s.

*resentation and /onversation -nce you have been presented, you are faced with the :uestion of what to say. !he Jueen is always addressed as ",our 2a'esty" on the first count and thereafter as "2a(am"Q according to +uckingham *alace, this should rhyme with 'am, not palm. -ther members of the royal family are treated with similar respect4 ",our Royal Bighness" then "Sir" or "2a(am." ,ou should let the royal personage lead the conversation, not try to change the sub'ect, and ask only the politest of :uestions. "Is ,our 2a'esty en'oying the performanceA" is acceptable, but "Bow(s *hilip and /harlesA" is most definitely, absolutely out of the :uestion. )hen referring to !he Jueen, "!he Jueen" is fine, though if you want to be certain of being polite I would recommend at least once saying "Ber 2a'esty." It is also :uite rude to refer to *rince /harles, *rince *hilip, or *rincess 7nneQ instead, you should opt for !he *rince of )ales, !he 3uke of Edinburgh, and !he *rincess Royal. "Bis Royal Bighness" or "Ber Royal Bighness" may also be used, though be sure to :ualify whom exactly you are referring to. )hen you are in conversation with a member of the royal family, be yourself but remember that Bis Royal Bighness is not going to appreciate your company if it is too loud, tongue%tied, rude, or bumptious. )hen making a formal speech in Ber 2a'esty(s gracious presence, it is correct to begin with, "2ay it please ,our 2a'esty," and at the end it is only courteous to say, "6adies and gentlemen, I ask you to rise and 'oin me in a toast4 !he Jueen8"

!he 1ational 7nthem It is really most vexing to see people who do not know what to do when the 1ational 7nthem is played at a formal event. It is most correct to stand .not to do so is :uite beyond the pale0 and place one(s hands by one(s side. It is expected that everyone present will singQ do remember that it is ";od save !he Jueen" at the end of each verse, not ";od save our Jueen," which is the wont of many. -n ma'or state occasions the second verse is sometimes playedQ learn it in advance so you do not have to look it up in your programme or order of service. !he first two verses are as follows4 God save our gracious 3ueen& Long live our noble 3ueen& God save The 3ueen9 )end her victorious& Happy and glorious& Long to reign over us& God save The 3ueen9 Thy choicest gifts in store :n her be pleased to pour Long may she reign9 May she defend our laws& ;nd ever give us cause& To sing with heart and voice& God save The 3ueen9

*recedence -ne of the most complicated aspects of court life is precedence. !he Sovereign(s precedence

is absolute, and !he Sovereign can determine where on the scale everyone else falls. -fficially !he Sovereign is at the top of the scale followed by !he *rince *hilip, 3uke of Edinburgh. Including male adults of the royal family only, Bis Royal Bighness is followed by !he *rince of )ales, !he Sovereign(s two younger sons .!he 3uke of ,ork and !he Earl of )essex0, !he Sovereign(s grandsons of male descent .*rince )illiam and *rince Benry0, !he Sovereign(s cousins .!he 3uke of ;loucester, !he 3uke of <ent, and *rince 2ichael of <ent0, eldest sons of 3ukes of !he +lood Royal .Earl of Clster and Earl of St 7ndrews0, and younger sons of 3ukes of !he +lood Royal .6ord 1icholas )indsor and 6ord Frederick )indsor0. 7mong the female members of the royal family, precedence is an important part of life. !he Jueen is followed by !he 3uchess of /ornwall and !he /ountess of )essex in official precedence. Bowever, it has been claimed that for court functions Ber 2a'esty has decreed that !he *rincess Royal and *rincess 7lexandra should be of higher precedence by right of their being *rincesses of !he +lood Royal. I have included here the official order of precedence for female adult members of the royal family4 !he Jueen, !he 3uchess of /ornwall, !he /ountess of )essex, !he *rincess Royal, *rincess +eatrice, *rincess Eugenie, !he 3uchess of ;loucester, !he 3uchess of <ent, *rincess 2ichael of <ent, *rincess 7lexandra !he Bon. 6ady -gilvy, Miss <ara +hillips =by courtesy>& /ountess of Clster, !he 6ady 3avina 6ewis, !he 6ady Rose ;ilman, /ountess of St 7ndrews, !he 6ady 1icholas )indsor, !he 6ady Belen !aylor, !he 6ady ;abriella )indsor, Mrs 4ames :gilvy& Miss Marina :gilvy. !hese tables of precedence are often changed to suit the occasionQ however, on a formal state occasion they are strictly adhered to and are designed to ensure that everyone knows his or her place in the royal pecking order.

Foreign Royals 7 vital point to remember is that the Cnited <ingdom does not en'oy a monopoly on royalty or indeed on the

points of eti:uette surrounding these ancient thrones. In general, foreign royals are treated in a similar manner to those of Jueen Eli abeth(s family and line. <ings and Jueens are afforded ",our 2a'esty" and a deep and respectful curtsey or bow. !he Emperor and Empress of 9apan are ",our Imperial 2a'esties," while their family are Imperial Bighnesses. Serene Bighnesses, ;rand 3ucal ones, and the occasional plain "Bighness" do exist, and careful note should be made to ensure that no one is offended. 7s a general rule, the children of <ings and Jueens en'oy the status of Royal BighnessQ this is also true of the 6uxembourg ;rand 3ucal Family. 7 Serene Bighness is from a reigning *rincely Bouse such as 6iechtenstein or 2onaco, while an Imperial Bighness is from 9apan or the former 7ustrian Empire.

6etters to Royalty )hen one finds the need to communicate by mail with a member of the royal family, there are many points of protocol to remember. 6etters should of course be concise and polite. !hey should .by tradition0 be addressed to a member of the Bousehold .e.g., *rivate Secretary, 6ady%in% )aiting, or E:uerry0Q the royal recipient should be referred to as Ber 2a'esty, Bis Royal Bighness, Ber Royal Bighness, etc. Bowever, it is in very exceptional circumstances, such as a royal engagement, marriage, death or other very personal occasion, permissible to write directly to the royal personage. In this case an exact and formal protocol exists. 6etters to !he Jueen should begin either "2adam" or "2ay it please ,our 2a'esty" and end with the sign%off "I have the honour to remain, 2adam, ,our 2a'esty(s most humble and obedient servant." ",ou" should be substituted with ",our 2a'esty" and "your" with ",our 2a'esty(s." 7ddress the envelope to Ber 2a'esty !he Jueen, +uckingham *alace, 6ondon S)#7 #77, and wait for your reply, which more than likely will come from a 6ady%in%)aiting0. 6etters to other members of the royal family should start with ",our Royal Bighness" and end with "I have the honour to remain, SirE2adam, ,our Royal Bighness(s most humble and obedient servant."

/onclusion 2eeting a member of the royal family can be a wonderful experienceQ however, if it is to be an en'oyable experience for all concerned, it is best to stick to the guidance given by the 6ady%in%)aiting or the 6ord 6ieutenant. 3o what you are told and you are more likely to be invited backQ behave in an inappropriate manner and you will be cast into social Siberia. !he guidelines which I have given in this article will hopefully help .of course I do realise that there will be readers who feel that these protocols and forms of eti:uette should have gone out with the 7rk0. I believe that the best approach can be summed up by ")hen at a royal gathering, do as !he Jueen would expectQ after all, you are Ber 2a'esty(s guest." Bowever, will these traditions endure after the current reignA !he *rince of )ales is a stickler for tradition, so perhaps his court will not be a ma'or departure from the current form. Bowever, will *rince )illiam end these many traditionsA -nly time will tell, so as one who thoroughly en'oys Royal *rotocol I can say only, ";od Save !he Jueen8" and "6ong may she reign8"

!he French woman rules the French life, and she rules it with a triple crown, as a businesswoman, as a mother and above all, as an artist." % Edith )harton

6earning the unspoken rules of introduction eti:uette is a useful social skill. <nowing how to introduce yourself or how to introduce others puts you and others at social ease. 7 great introduction can be the start of a rewarding friendship. 2aking a good introduction leaves a favourable impression on others. ,ou are probably already practising the right way to make introductions without knowing it. 7s these are general guidelines, don(t worry about making small mistakes. 2ost people will overlook them or not even reali e your blunder.

Introduction Eti:uette ;eneral ;uidelines Introduce the (less%important( to the (more%important(. #hat this means:

!his means you bring the intern across the room to meet your boss.

Introduce men to women, and younger to older.

Introduce the more familiar to the less familiar .between friends.0

Eye /ontact and 3eportment % Introduction Eti:uette 6ook at the person to whom you are making the introduction .the boss, for instance0, then turn to the person you are presenting as you finish .the intern0. !hen back again at the boss. If someone is being introduced to you .presented to you0, smile and say, "It is very nice to meet you, 9ane." while extending your hand for a handshakeK. .K!his applies to the appropriate greeting culture and introduction eti:uette where it may be kisses or a bow.0 If you are being presented to someone senior, you also say, "*leased to meet you." but wait for your the extended hand.

7fghan *resident Bamid <ar ai introduces his wife, 3r. <ar ai, to 6aura +ush outside the presidential residence in <abul, 7fghanistan, )ednesday, 2arch G$, =$$& If introductions are made between a man and a woman, a woman usually extends her hand first but nowadays, this is not followed strictly. If you are sitting, the proper introduction eti:uette is to stand when a person is being introduced to you. )omen today either remain seated .not preferable in my opinion0 or do a half stand from her seat at the table, because sometimes the chair is heavy and not easy to move back especially when a woman is dressed in gown. Bowever, if you(re sitting on the sofa or anywhere where is not an effort to stand up during the introduction, please do. Bandshakes % Bandshaking Eti:uette In the past, a gentleman would never extend his hand unless a lady extended hers first. 1ow, the (highest ranking( tend to extend their hand first. I believe the right approach is to be flexible here. Bave a feel and look around at what others are doing. If you(re a woman, 'ust go ahead and extend that hand. -f course, I don(t think women in general would ob'ect to shaking the hand to the man who extended his hand first.

Read some of your comments In a group, shake the woman(s hand first .if you(re a guy0. 7nd if you(re a woman, shake the hand which is extended to you first. <issing, 7ir <issing and Bugging % ;reetings Eti:uette !his depends on the culture and introduction eti:uette of the country you(re in. Follow the greeting eti:uette according to the culture of the country as much as possible. 3o as the Romans do.

ntroduction 8ti%uette of -ountries and -ultures

7sians .except the 9apanese0% a gentle handshake.

In some ethnicities, a touch of the hand .like in a handshake0 would suffice. Read more about /hinese eti:uette.

9apanese prefer to make a :uick bow. !he more important the person, the lower the bow.

+ritish % handshake or 'ust a friendly smile.

7mericans % a firm handshake

French % two kisses from the left cheek

Italians % handshake or hug and kisses for the women.

Spanish % hugs and kisses

Swiss % three kisses starting from the left cheek

7rabs % men only kiss men, and women only kiss women.

)hen in doubt, 'ust let the person of the foreign culture lead. +e obliging. -f course if you are in dominantly in the company of one culture, follow. 3on(t be fussed if you(re not used to getting kissed or hugged, even if you feel that this is your country. It is polite to grin and bear it8 Introduction Eti:uette for /onversation If you are hoping to introduce people for conversation you may add a point of interest in the introduction, or something that both have in common. For example, "9enny, this is my friend 9ohn I(ll like you to meet. Be is the other person I know of who loves gardening as much as you do8"

-r =after formal introduction> "9ames is the person to talk to if you are interested in film production." Introducing *eople to Someone in 7utbority "2r. !rump, I would like you to meet the latest member of our marketing team, +ill Rancic. Be has 'ust graduated top of our apprenticeship program." "+ill, this is our /E-, 2r. !rump." +ill replies smiling, "It is pleasure meeting you, 2r !rump." but waits for 2r !rump to extend his hand. Introducing 2en to )omen "Su ie, I(d like you to meet 9ohn )agner. Be(s a hiking enthusiast, and climbed 2ount 2eru last year. 3idn(t you say you wanted to go to East 7frica tooA" "9ohn, this is Su ie 2ilton, she takes the most interesting travel photographs." Su ie says, "*leased to meet you 9ohn." extending her hand and with bright eyes, proceeds to ask him about his trip to !an ania. Introducing ,ounger *eople to -lder *eople "2um, I(d like you to meet my friend from church, /aroline." . "/aroline, this is my mother. If you think my chicken pie is good, wait until you tried hers8" ,our mother is expected to extend her hand to your friend. If your mother doesn(t, /aroline can 'ust (end( the introduction by saying, "1ice to meet you 2rs 7dams, you have a lovely home and it is a great party." before scooting off with you.

Introducing a Single *erson to a ;roup If you are introducing a friend to a group of people, get everyone(s attention first. Bow to get everyone(s attention4 In a formal setting, stand next to the person to%be%introduced and wait for a while for everyone to turn their attention to you. In an informal setting, you can 'ust greet everyone saying, "Bey everyone, this is my friend 9oy8" In a formal setting, you may call names in a group, "2r !an, 9ames, 6aura, I(d like you to meet 9oy whom I met last week." "9oy, this is 2r !an, 9ames, 6aura." Ideally, 9oy should walk around extending her hand and say, "1ice to meet you 2r !an." "*leased to meet you 9ames." "6aura, it(s a pleasure to meet you." Introducing ,ourself Sometimes, the hosts are too busy to introduce you. -r you may meet a group of people who assume you already know the new person so didn(t think that introductions are unnecessary. 7nyhow, you may simply have to introduce yourself if you(re going to be talking to anyone in a party with unfamiliar faces. If you(re a single woman % this is a great way to meet people. Remember that if you forgot your introduction eti:uette, a bright smile goes a long way. "Bello, I(m Sharon. 1ice to meet you." would suffice. ,ou can begin with light hearted conversastion... ")hat a lovely evening isn(t itA It(s so nice of 2arisa to put all this together." "3id you get a chance to try the blueberry cheesecakeA" Sometimes you may 'oin in the conversation because you know somebody in there, if that person forgets to introduce you, you may wait for a pause

in the conversation and introduce yourself. to the person you don(t know. "Bello, I(m Su y." /hances are the person forgot you haven(t met or has forgotten your name. 3on(t take offence, of course. 3o not begin asking, "So what do you doA" % *lease also see the art of conversation and conversation blunders. For more examples, please see these helpful websites of making introductions, introductions for when titles are used, and from a male(s perspective. Introduction Eti:uette % )hen ,ou 7re Introduced #. Smile =. Repeat the name of the person you have been introduced to, "It is nice to meet you, 3aniel .or 2r !an0." G. Extend your hand if you are a woman, or in the position of authority. H. *repare some conversation starters .if appropriate0 or end the conversation politely .especially if the person is engaged in conversation with someone else.0 ,ou should address anyone who has a position of authority or is older than you as 2r., 2rs., 3r., until they ask you to call them by their first names. Eti:uette for 1icknames, *et names, Shortened 1ames If you have been introduced to "1atasha", but everyone calls her "Sha" or "!ash" you should continually call her "1atasha" until she re:uests to be called by her shortened name. !hat is because you are not at that level of friendship and familiarity as others. Bowever, if she introduces herself as "Sha", you may call her "Sha" then. Remembering, *ronouncing 1ames

If ,ou can(t remember a name4 "I(m sorry, how do I address you againA" or "2ay I know your name againA" If you can(t pronounce a name4 "I(m sorry, how do I pronounce your nameA" or "7m I pronouncing your name correctlyA" If someone mispronouces your name4 /orrect it gently with a smile, and say, "2ost people call me WWW." )hatever mistake you make, don(t make a fuss. Smile and change the sub'ect.

"7 good stance and posture reflect a proper state of mind." % 2orihei Ceshiba "I don(t want to be the center of attention. 2y posture has changed. I walk with my head down and shoulders slumped. Suddenly I carry myself as if I(m ashamed of something."% Randy Barrison !hat(s the secret of entertaining. ,ou make your guests feel welcome and at home. If you do that honestly, the rest takes care of itself. " % +arbara Ball, 1orthern Exposure, 1orthern Bospitality, #??H

7n Elegant 7ttitude !owards 2oney How to develop an elegant outloo! of money and to gain an understanding of wealth. t is just one of those things that are assumed as becoming in an elegant woman.

)e all have been taught that talking about money is rude such as asking about salaries to divulging details of mortgage and loans amounts. !his includes our commonly experienced conversation :uestion of "Bow much did you pay for thatA" So what are some of the attitudes and outlook of money and finance of an elegant womanA First of all, it is inevitable that a woman has to deal with money and wealth. )hether it is about choosing how you ought to spend your money, to casual conversation about the world during cocktail hour. 1aturally, the world believes that you need money to be elegant or classy. I(ve written that this isn(t necessarily so. Bowever, I can(t deny the fact that with some wealth, it is easier to be elegant.

)hyA )hile this list is not exhaustive, here are some reasons4 )ith wealth, X ,ou are more generous and giving. X ,ou have access to finer things that contribute to an elegant taste and look X ,ou are often in a better mood than worrying about money. It is easier to have an elegant countenance. X )ithout being bogged down with money problems, it is easy to take the focus off yourself and think about others. X ,ou are in a better position to help and to influence. X Education is expensive, and easier to afford which propels you to become the fine woman you want to be. !hus, I think it is important to be financially secure on your own. Elegant Sense of +eing Financially Secure !o be financially secure, you must have4 X 7 habit of saving and a healthy savings account X 7 good understanding of wealth % how it comes about and how to elegantly manage it X ;eneral knowledge of the world of money % basic education of investments such as property, stocks, businesses, interests rates and some understanding of economics. X Some access to extra cash .after putting some savings away0, not 'ust spending over your limits, neither being 'ust over broke. 7 habit of savings and a healthy savings account will give you a certain sense of self%confidence and assurance that you have the ability to take care of yourself and others, if you need to. ,ou will also gain self%respect for being diligent and disciplined. !o understand wealth and to gain knowledge about the world of money % this is form of self%improvement. !aking charge of your future

independently is to obtain a healthy sense of self%reliance. It gives a woman a :uiet sense of confidence, which is very beautiful. !here is a certain elegance of :uiet authority that comes from within. She will not be pushed around nor easily impressed. 2oney or people who use money to impress will have no hold on her. 6earning all these financial cues also helps you in social hour. ,ou(ll be able to speak the subtle (language of money( especially if you find yourself sociali ing in more elegant circles. For example, portfolio income is from paper assets, which include dividends from corporations, income from real estate investments and interest. )hat is an asset and liabilityA )hat is the meaning of earned income and passive incomeA !o have extra cash after putting it away enables you to be in a position to give, help others, promote a worthy cause or to invest in yourself such as taking a literature class etc. 7n Elegant )oman and Ber 2oney 1ow let(s talk about some elegant attitudes about money. 7n elegant woman has generally these attitudes towards money. *lease understand that these are my viewpoints and you are free to disagree with me. Spends )isely, +ut is not /heap She spends her money wisely, but she does not practice (frugality( In other words, she considers the value of her purchase % but she does not go out and buy the cheapest everything. She handles her money with respect, but she is not cheap. ;enerous She will not calculate to the penny to what you owe her. She is generous. !his is also cultural...but I believe that an elegant woman is generally generous too.

En'oys Finer !hings, Is )illing to Spend !here is a delicate balance but she eats, wears and uses fine things % to the best of what she can afford. She takes pride in herself and she believes she(s worth it. She treats herself well. Bowever she is not the sort that spends money only on herself and is cheap with others. *erhaps uncommon outlook towards money Bere are some of my favourite :uotes from the author of Rich3ad*oor3ad series4 "I love spending money but kim and I are not foolish with our money. I love having the finer things in life. I love having the choice of flying first class or economy. I love tipping people well, if they have given great service. I love making my friends rich when our investments do well. I love the freedom that money buys. I love working if I want to and not working if I don(t. So for me, money is fun, money buys me more choices and most importantly, it has bought <im and me the freedom from the drudgery of earning a living." "I don(t understand people who said, "money does not make happy." I often wonder what they do for fun." "-ne of the main reasons people spend money is to make themselves happy. " "In my opinion, it(s not money that makes you unhappy. It(s not being able to pay your bills or not having the money to do the things you would love to do, that tends to make people unhappy. " ",ou spend less if you buy what you desire. I am very happy with my car and my wife is happy with hers. )e may have spent more being clear on satisfying our material standards, which includes our house and clothing, but we actually spend less in the long run in time, money and happiness because we buy what we want." "Some people believe that ;od wants us to live frugally and to avoid the temptations of the finer things in life. !here are other people who believe

that ;od created these wonderful creations for us to en'oy. It is up to you to choose what kind of ;od you want to believe in. " )hat do you thinkA Elegance !owards 2oney 2atters !o develop the similar elegance towards money matters as an elegant woman, you(ll first need to face your issues with money. )e all have them8 7 good place to start would be to become financially educated. 7nd to become comfortable with money. Some of us over spend and then hide our credit card bills, hoping it would go away8 For others, money is such a stronghold over them, they can never let go of being cheap or to let go and be more generous with their loved ones. !here are tonne of courses out there teaching you to become more financially savvy. 1ot all are good. Some are way too risky, after all, all I want is for us women to be more financially savvy, to be able to take care of your finances properly so as to grow in confidence and elegance, not necessarily to be the next -prah )infrey.