Overcome the Effects of Divorce

From Havoc to Heaven

Charlotte Kamman van Weperen Willem van Weperen

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From Havoc to Heaven

There is a lovely concept of friendship within the Buddhist tradition: the 'noble friend', or kalyanamitra, someone who is so close to you that any attempt by you at pretension is ignored, and you will be gently confronted with your own area of 'blindness'. We all of us carry a blind spot - literally - in the retinas of our eyes. The Buddhist believes that there is, equally, a blind spot in your soul, and that you depend on the kalyanamitra to see for you where you cannot see yourself.
From "Swimming against the Stream", Tim Waterstone, 2006

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From Havoc to Heaven

Introduction
When my partner Willem and I got together, we both had children and expartners, and it did not all go smoothly. As we went along, we were constantly on the lookout for ideas how to improve our situation, and at times, we felt overwhelmed by the amount of information we got. In this e-book, we want to give you those tips and insights we ourselves found most helpful; certainly the fact that I am a life-coach, helped us to untangle the emotions and to find a way out, and we will show you how you can too. “If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got” That has been our motto for the last couple of years, and it will probably stay our guideline for many years to come. What I will show you in the next chapters are various ways to do it differently, and you will see that the outcome will be different, and most probably better, too. We hope that we can be your kalyanamitra! We both wish you a pleasant journey, we know that you will discover many new horizons, and we are sure that your life will never be the same. We wish you Love and Light on your path,

Charlotte & Willem

For a better reading and understanding, we recommend that you print this e-book. If you change your printer properties to "draft", it will take little time, ink and effort.

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From Havoc to Heaven

Table of contents

1. Starting with the basics: The Feedback Rules 2. Staying centered: How to cope with criticism – for parents and children 3. The art of listening 4. The truth is NOT in the words 5. The Chair Game 6. Tap into your inner knowledge 7. Conclusion and steps for further action

d on e ch ap t we e er e In t k's e ver y his xe r c we e wa y ise e k, you ver y will pro da y g a in f it f , r om ma x this imu m e- b ook Do the

Rea

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From Havoc to Heaven

Chapter 1 Starting with the basics: The Feedback Rules
We will start hands-on, no big theories, no elaborate speeches on “How Come”. We want to share with you a very simple, yet basic skill that literally every human being can use for his or her own best, and for the best of everybody interacting with him or her. In our case, it is simple: We as parents want to teach our children to become happy, wise and responsible adults. So from time to time, we will have to criticize them. Sorry for those who think they can avoid this! Even in nature, the parents teach their kids the dos and don't s of adult life, because otherwise the children simply would not survive in most cases! Actually, with us human beings it is very much the same. Let us have a look at, for example, dogs. (If you really hate dogs, we will send you a story on horses or alligators) example: Sarah is a purebred Jack Russell terrier, and at the moment she has one puppy, a beautiful little, fat, clumsy, cute male, called Ollie. Ollie is 4 weeks old, in human age that would be more or less 4 years old, and Ollie tries EVERYTHING, and there I mean EVERYTHING! Ollie does not know that a burning piece of firewood is hot; Ollie does not know that when he’s on a chair, it will hurt him when he jumps of head first; Ollie doesn’t have a clue what happens if he gets squashed between the door because someone didn’t see him; Ollie does not even know how small he is! He really thinks that he is a huge big dog, and that everyone wants to play with him, even the dolls in their little bed!

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From Havoc to Heaven

Mom Sarah feels she is responsible for Ollie’s health and happiness, and she will play with him, groom him, lick him, cuddle him, run after him and let him bite her tail and her ears.... BUT When Ollie does something that Mom Sarah does NOT like, she will bite him, and HARD. As soon as Ollie starts to behave, the playing, cuddling, chasing game starts straight away again.

Now, what can we learn here: 1. Do not stay grumpy, angry, revengeful over things which happened in the past, because you cannot change the past anymore. 2. Dogs don’t have to forgive quite as often as we have to, but remember: “To forgive is to give up the hope for a better past” 3. Live in the NOW. There are nice books written about this subject. I recommend strongly that you read “The Power of Now” written by Eckhardt Tolle. Being in the now saves you all the energy that drains into Past and Future, which is for 90% lost energy. 4. Reward your children for everything they do well. We most often forget to reward, and only react on what we do not want. That is not going to work! Put the energy you save under point 3 into positive action: play with your kids, tell them what you like about them, and tell them what they are doing well! I know, in the beginning it really feels stupid and overdone, but try it for just one day, and you will see how well it works. Try it on the supermarket cashier and the postman too! 5. Try as hard as you can, to simply ignore all behavior you do not like, unless of course it is dangerous (like Mom Sarah!). Children have to sort out a great deal themselves, and they will. Give them the opportunity to learn for themselves. Now we will give you the feedback rule, a basic human skill everybody should know and act upon. On the contrary, to dogs, we have words, and words are not necessarily useful. Most often, we do not actually say what we want to communicate (we will talk about that later, in chapter 4). For now, we are going to give you a rule, which will help you use your words in an uplifting and constructive way, even if you feel you have to criticize somebody. THE FEEDBACK RULES 1. Tell the other person what you like about him, specify around your point of criticism 2. Tell the other person what could have been done better 3. Tell him HOW you feel that it could have been done better

pr ac tic e this will become ea sy very soon!

With

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From Havoc to Heaven

Now, this is going to bring you a whole lot of advantages. - Firstly, you will think twice before you actually criticize someone; even it is your child. Your criticism will make much more sense, even for you. - Secondly, the other person will be able to actually absorb your criticism and digest it, instead of defending himself and calling you all names under the Sun (loud or in himself) - Thirdly, you will be able to talk and think together about ways that would possibly have been better, so that next time he will try another strategy. example: Charlotte’s daughter Josephine is 8 years old, and had until recently her weekly wobbly when they came home from roller-skating. Charlotte thought this was inevitable, since Tuesdays are long days for Josephine: She is in school until 6 p.m., and has to start practice immediately. By 7.30, she is hungry and tired, and the 30-minute drive was often one big yelling and screaming session, in which Josephine would call her mom names and Charlotte would threaten to throw her out of the car and let her walk home. One night Willem happened to go with Charlotte to pick Josephine up, and was actually very amazed about what he saw. He made Charlotte realize that this was not necessary, and that what was actually going on had to do a lot with the “boiled frog”.

The Boiled frog If you put a living frog in a pan full of cold water, and put it on the stove, the frog will quietly and happy sit there till he’s boiled. If you try to put the frog in a pot of boiling water, he will jump out as fast as he can.
Charlotte and Willem then decided that it was time to walk their talk. Charlotte took an effort to take something to nibble with her for Josephine, she consciously made positive remarks about Josephine’s roller-skating, she organized it that at Tuesdays they have something for dinner that Josephine actually likes (like pancakes or French fries). On a quiet moment, she asked Josephine what her idea was about how to resolve the problem. Josephine actually came out with remarkable grown-up answers: She rather have her Mom shut up in the car instead of making stupid made-up positive remarks ; and she decided that she could also transmit in words what her needs were at that moment, instead of using ‘non-verbal-communication’. She started for example using the phrase "I am lacking attention" instead of drawing attention by screaming.

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From Havoc to Heaven

Be aware: You are laying a foundation for all coming discussions and talks, and the more she or he feels that you are genuinely listening, the more she or he will open up to find solutions that bring harmony and peace. From time to time, any teenager will want upheaval and war, there is not a lot you can do about that. Go into survival-mode, do not try too much, do not get upset, and wait until the storm is over. How to know if your teenager wants a little ding-dong or if he really is upset, you can read in chapter 4. So far the basics. Now, we are in a special situation: You (or you new partner) are divorced, and your children have to cope with 2 parents in 2 different houses with 2 different sets of rules; plus possibly a stepparent at each side, plus stepbrothers and stepsisters, and maybe half brothers and half sisters too. This means that instead of the relatively simple set of rules we used to have as kids in a core-family, our kids suddenly have to cope with a mountain of different styles, rules, communication patterns etc. Not easy. In the book that is part of the on-line coaching program “Creating Harmony in Blended Families”, we will go into detail as how to make life as easy as possible for our children. This includes tips how to cope with your ex, how to justify differences in rules for different kids in the same household, and how to avoid the top 10 pitfalls of stepparents.

“One Dad I know uses what I call Post-It® Note therapy on his

children. He leaves sticky Post-It Notes everywhere …in their lunch box, inside their shoes, on top of their sandwich before he wraps it up. He once went into his daughter’s room, looking for his hammer, and on the back of her bedroom door were every Post-It Note he’d ever given her - over 250 in all with simple messages like ‘Great job’…’I love you’…or ‘You’re special to me.’ Do you think that girl knew, without a doubt, that her Dad valued her and loved her? “ – Jack Canfield
(from “Favorite Quotes from Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen)

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From Havoc to Heaven

Chapter 2 Staying centered: How to cope with criticism–for parents and children
Unfortunately, it is not only you having criticism towards your children. As they grow up, they will increasingly criticize you.

It is difficult for most people to cope with criticism. Somehow, it makes us feel insecure, or unloved. example: “My Dad always tells me that I am only surrounding myself with people who will always agree with me, even if they do not feel the same way. He does not stop convincing me that I will be much better off if I listen to his criticism, as he is so much older and has so much more life-experience. Somehow, this always used to result in a row, whereby I felt very much unloved and disrespected as a person, and my Dad felt very frustrated and disrespected as a father. I have always been thinking that the inability to cope with criticism was a personal shortcoming. Although I did try to improve, I somehow never managed to find a way to get better at it. Lately, I have discovered some new insights about communication. I discovered a way to cope with criticism more easily. It actually helps a lot if my Dad uses the feedback rules; since I explained them to him, he tries hard, and that has improved our relationship a lot”.

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From Havoc to Heaven

Now there is a way to cope with these reactions and feelings. However, before you even start ‘coping’, you will have to stay centered. Being centered means being in that place where you feel strong, at ease with yourself, pro-active and not re-active, your breathing is deep and slow, your muscles are relaxed but not sloppy, you are calm and at the same time alert. To experience what it is to be centered; I want to do an exercise with you.

Getting centered - Exercise
Lie down on your bed, on your back, put your hands on your tummy, right under your navel. Start counting on your breathing: 1, 2, 3 in; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 out. After you finish breathing out, you contract your belly with some force: That pushes out the last air, which stayed in the bottom of your lungs. Repeat this for 3 minutes. Every time you breathe OUT, you consciously push away your hands with your belly. Every time you breathe IN, you just let the airflow in automatically. After 3 minutes, observe how your muscles are: which muscle groups are still tense, which muscle groups are relaxed; observe your thoughts, observe your facial expression... This is how it feels to be centered.

This is also exercise to relax a great

Whenever you get into a situation of stress, try to remind yourself to go into this space. If you have a partner, or a child, who can remind you, ask them to help you (and they will want to learn it too!). Being centered makes all the difference in how you cope with stressful situations. example: “I find that if I try to stay centered, it somehow is easier to cope with criticism, even if the other person does not use the feedback rules. I can choose from a couple of strategies now: - I try to use the centering exercise every time; - I can choose to put my attention on the form in which the criticism is vented, instead of the content of the words; - I can choose to think that criticism more often than not has to do with frustration in the sender, and often has nothing to do with the receiver.

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From Havoc to Heaven

Now, I still don’t LIKE to be criticized, but then, who does... ? I did learn however to cope with it in a more laidback and reasonable way. When I manage to stay centered, I manage to keep listening and using my “observing ego”, and most often, I can laugh about my own first automatic reaction. Sometimes I will still get angry, I am not a saint after all, and making mistakes only helps me to get better! Where earlier I did not have another choice than to bite back, I now do have some alternatives. When I do find myself biting back, it is a clear sign for me that: - either I’m stressed out; - the criticism is very true but hurts too much to be acceptable to me; - or the other person violates one of my core values, and that gets me triggered. In essence, this just means that I am about to discover some more information about my Inner Self, and I am gratefully accepting the opportunity”.

Even the most experienced person in staying centered, will be thrown off his center various times per day. The trick is not to avoid being thrown off-center; the trick is to get in your center as fast as possible with as little effort as you can. For this, you will have to practice, and over time, you will get better automatically. If you are not sure when you are centered and when you are not, I will give you a short list of how it feels to be centered as opposed to be off-center: Centered Deep regular breathing in your tummy Loose shoulders and neck Facial muscles relaxed, friendly expression Feeling calm Clear thinking Other person normally gets calmer You are in control of the situation Off-center High shallow fast breathing Tight muscles in shoulders and neck Facial muscles tight, stiff lips, wrinkles around eyes and mouth more profound Feeling upset, trying to keep calm Fogged thinking, trying to think clearly but not managing Other person gets more upset You’re out of control

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From Havoc to Heaven

So, next time that your child, or your partner, or your ex, or his ex, criticize you or your beloved ones, stay centered. Observe how the situation develops, and imagine how it would have developed if you would have reacted in your normal habitual way. To help you remember and to get into the habit, you could for example use some affirmations, which you write on Post-It’s and stick on places you see regularly. As affirmations to stay calm, you could for example use

to stay I know what to do calm n to I do ever ything I ca stay calm I am sta ying calm

I know what to do to listen

I do ever ything I can to listen

I know what to do to create har mony I do everything I can to create har mony I am creating har mony

I am listening

Do not worry; you do not have to know anything about it yet. You are now making a good effort to actually learn and discover! If you repeat your affirmations daily, your subconscious mind will start looking for opportunities to create that what you want. You will be alert to all possibilities, and together with your strong motivation, that is a winning combination! If you want to read more about goal setting and affirmations, go to http://www.stepfamilyheaven.com/goalsetting . In my on-line coaching program “Creating Harmony in Blended Families”, I will go into this subject into depth, and you will learn how to not only set goals and write affirmations for yourself, but you will also learn to teach and help others to find their goals and reach them.

To forgive is to give up the hope for a better past

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From Havoc to Heaven

Chapter 3 The art of listening

Often, we think we are listening, while we are not. Often, we think that someone else is not listening, but he actually is. ... We feel loved, if we feel listened to... We feel rejected, when we think someone is not listening! When we start to see, that often the core of the problem has to do with misunderstanding and with our own perception, we start to understand HOW we can change our situation. Whenever we feel that we are not being listened to, I suggest you do the following trick for better listening:

Turn it around - exercise
1. Write down what you feel (e.g. ‘Pete doesn’t listen to me’) 2. Write down what the other person should do to make you happy (e.g. ‘Pete should listen to me’) 3. Ask yourself if this is absolutely true. How can you know it is true? 4. Turn it around: ‘Pete doesn’t listen to me’ becomes • ‘I don’t listen to Pete’, • ‘I don’t listen to myself’, • ‘Pete doesn’t listen to himself’ 5. Ask yourself if theses statements are maybe just as true as the one you started with...‘
(Adapted from Byron Katie – The Work; http://www.thework.com)

often as you can. It will make you happier!

Do this as

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From Havoc to Heaven

Especially with our teenage sons and daughters, but also with our partners and even our younger children, it is vitally important to show them that we actually do care and that we are willing to listen to them, even if that means that we have to decipher a lot of noise and irrelevant information to get to the core. Some simple but very effective tricks to show someone that you care, are the skills that in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) are called ‘making rapport’. Making rapport means that we show the other person that we do care and that we are there for them; we are prepared to listen to them and make an effort to understand their words, and more important even, the feelings behind their words. Making rapport is a skill you can learn quite easily, and when you practice for a week or so, you should notice the difference in reaction of the people you communicate with. To make rapport you will have to practice the following (preferably with one of your family members, you could even make a game of it!)

Try this with animals too. It's fun!

making rapport - exercise
• Try to copy the other person’s body posture. Do it really overdone, make it really funny to look at – and you will see that the other person doesn’t even notice that you are mimicking him!!! Adjust your breathing rhythm according to the breathing rhythm of the other person Adjust your tone of voice and your speed of speaking Try to use as much the same words: When someone uses a lot of words like ‘you see’; ‘ then you’ll see that’; ‘it looks like’; use the same phrases and words; if someone talks about ‘the sound of..’; you’ll hear..’; use the same words too. Look the other person in the eyes or just between the eyes when he speaks to you and when you speak to him.

• • •

When you have the feeling that your partner or your children do not listen to you, start by putting effort in listening to them. Often, if people feel that we are listening to them, they will also start to put more effort in listening to us. Good example makes good following! As Dr.Phil says: "We teach others how to treat us". Generally, we have the tendency to tell others to do what we do not manage to do ourselves, and especially our children will not hesitate to tell us that it does not work like that. Look at yourself with the eyes of your children (or your partner, or your mother or father for example), and judge yourself before you judge others... Probably you will loose all intend to judge or tell others what to do or how to behave... 

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From Havoc to Heaven

Talk to your children about the why of your rules, and make sure that you follow your rules yourself. No child will take a parent seriously who tells his kids not to smoke while lighting up a cigarette! When you want you kids to listen to you for a special talk, make sure that you choose time and place with care. You know your children best, so you know when is best for them. When do they have time, when is their best time of the day, when are they not hungry, in a rush, tired? Put effort in communicating with your beloved ones. Do not take good communication for granted. Do never leave the responsibility for good communication to someone else! There is only one person responsible for your good communication, and that is YOU. Either you communicate well, or you do not. If you are a lousy communicator, you cannot expect others to respond in a constructive way! So take responsibility for your own communication, and the rest will follow eventually. example: “Just the other day my significant other accused me of being chaotic and unfocused. Or, rather, I thought he was! I know that I have difficulties focusing on one task at the time, and often I will let the food burn, or let the water hose in the garden run for hours. Just because I always think, that I can do two things at the time, and actually forget about the first. Often because the second job leads to the third, and that leads to the fourth, and by then the first task is long forgotten. It is a waste of water and food and money, so I do feel bad about it. On this particular day, he mentioned loosely that it is not more than normal if we shake each other up from time to time in this aspect. I got really angry: Why would HE, being just as chaotic as me, have the right to try to change ME? Now, I did NOT ask if that was what he meant, I merely went silent, and after a while started to rattle about what I consider being the secret to a long and happy marriage, namely accepting each other as you are. After 10 minutes, he managed to interrupt me with a puzzled look. Why did I go into detail into the "accepting each other as you are" bit? We are accepting each other, exactly as we are, aren't we? Now it was my turn to look puzzled. How do you mean, you just tried to change my own little chaotic ways into something more organized! Well, actually it turned out that he was not... He merely wanted to say that we luckily understand each other so well, being just as chaotic, and that we can help each other to avoid spilling water and burning food!”

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From Havoc to Heaven

I want to say something else about creating harmony in your blended family. If you put yourself for a short moment in the position of your children, you will see that the divorce has had an enormous impact on their feelings of stability and security. Children need to feel secure before they are able to feel happy, and giving them security and stability should be our first goal. Because your relationship with their other biological parent did break up, they will always be afraid that this will happen again. The biggest favor you can do your children is making sure that your new relationship will last. Good communication does help without doubt. There are many books about relationships. You probably went through a lot of them when you tried to save your first marriage, we did both, and they did not really work. Maybe it was too late already, but most probable we never found the right book with the right approach for our specific situations. If you feel that communication could be better in your current relationship, go to http://stepfamilyheaven.com/communication.html

“The meaning of self-esteem is to feel lovable and capable. As parents, we must love our children unconditionally and give them a sense of being nurtured. That’s the lovable part. Then, we must provide structure - rules, boundaries, daily or weekly household tasks that give them a sense they are making a contribution. That’s what helps kids grow up feeling capable.” – Jack Canfield
(From “Favorite Quotes of Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen”)

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From Havoc to Heaven

Chapter 4 The truth is NOT in the words
We all know this scene: Mother is with toddler in the supermarket; kid wants sweeties, mother does not want to buy them. Child throws himself on the floor, screaming and yelling... Screaming and yelling what? We don’t even pay attention to the actual words; if we are honest we don’t even remember what our kids yelled at us under these circumstances. It can b e so I have heard children yell various things, a small sample: emba rr assing ... • “I cannot walk anymore” I remember b eing in a • “I want to be dead” • “I hate you” sup er mart w ith my 3 • “I hate myself” yr old step so n. Luckily • “I want Daddy” the other cust • “I want Granny” omer s • “You are stupid” wer e p a rents too! • “You are mean” • “You are bad” None of these things is actually, what they want to communicate. Because what they want to communicate is “I would really really like those sweets, and I am really frustrated because I am dependent on you, and I am angry because I cannot buy them myself”. Now something interesting happens: Even when we are grown-up, we often use words to communicate our anger or frustration, which don’t have any connection with the origin of the emotion. We talk or scream about all kind of things, but the actual emotion stays covered under a thick layer of reasons, us blaming the other person for all kind of nasties, while we choose to attack in order not to have to defend ourselves... Our children do the same, and even we do know the pattern, we more often than not do not recognize it in other people’s behavior.

example:
“When my daughter is tired and hungry, she is often in a bad mood. When I am alone with her, she will just make unrealistic demands. When the demands cannot be met, she will throw a tantrum. When my partner, her step dad, is with us, she follows a different pattern altogether. She will not make any demands, she will just cry, sobbing that I only love my partner and that I do not love her at all. He is allowed everything, and I don't allow her anything anymore; he is my sweetheart and she is not important anymore; and many more similar statements.

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From Havoc to Heaven

In the beginning, I found it very difficult to cope with, because any reassuring words would only make it worse. Not so long ago, I decided to talk it over with her in a quiet moment, and she told me that she feels neglected and jealous when my partner pays too much attention to me. She felt that his relationship to her was considered less important than his relationship to me! That was very new to me. Up until recently, she was just jealous because she had to share me, now she started being jealous because we are sharing him! We combined a new way of handling those moments: Her step dad and I will both pay attention to her, if she asks for it in a polite and friendly way. She very soon discovered that it works, and the tantrums are as good as gone.”

Next time you find yourself in the situation of being yelled at, try staying centered. Next step is to pretend that you are a foreigner who does not speak the language, and try to imagine what conclusion you would draw from the flood of not understandable words coming from the other person’s mouth. In this way, you avoid being triggered by the words and accusations, and you improve your own capability to recognize the meaning behind the words. Stay centered, do not say anything, just make “rapport” and stay close. Make sure that the other party feels that you are taking him serious. This is NOT easy, especially the first times! You will have the tendency to bite back, to get angry, and to jump into your standard behavior. There is no problem if you don’t manage during the first rounds, don’t despair! You will get better at it and just keep practicing. As soon as the yelling is over, just quietly make clear that you did get the message, and that you take it seriously. Try to summarize what you understood as being the real message, and ask if you have understood it right. If you didn’t, ask what the real message is, and make clear that you understood and that you will think about the subject. Then, give yourself time. Set a date for follow-up: commit yourself to give an answer on the set date and time. In this way, you will not fall into the trap of giving in just because you are tired or busy, and you will take constructive decisions that make sense in the long run as well. In the beginning, it will be very strange to postpone talks about relatively small subjects, but you and your children will get used to it and screaming and yelling-events will get less in the end. In any event, doing a little round of “The Work” will be useful before you get back with your reaction, and in the next chapter I am going to give you an extra exercise to stay on top of your emotions and in control of the situation.

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From Havoc to Heaven

“The greatest deficit in America isn’t the trade deficit. It’s the attention deficit of our children. The average child gets 14 minutes of attention a day from each of his parents. So the greatest thing you can give a kid is time spent listening to him or her.” – Jack Canfield
(From “Favorite Quotes from Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen”)

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From Havoc to Heaven

Chapter 5 The Chair Game
From time to time, you will have a conflict with your family members. This normal, and actually quite healthy. If you never have a conflict, probably one of the parties is keeping low profile, and giving in just for the sake of peace. Not good! Any conflict is potential opportunity to learn more about ourselves and the other party. If we get emotional about something, it means most certainly that our core values are not being respected. If the other party gets angry with us, it means that we did not respect his core values. In NLP, we have certain ways to discover people’s core values, for now I just want to play a game with you.
This exe r c ise is ea sier w ith two p eop le. I f you ha ve a f r iend w ho c an help you, a sk him!

The Chair Game - Exercise

Make sure you are in a place where you are not going to be disturbed for half an hour or so. Choose two chairs that represent the two parties in the conflict, and a third chair where an imaginary listener is seated. Sit in the chair representing you, and tell a short version of the conflict to the imaginary listener. Get up, shake yourself out like a wet dog, and sit down in the chair representing the other party. Tell the same imaginary listener the version of the conflict as seen by the other party. Get up, shake yourself out, and sit down in the chair of the imaginary listener. Listen to the stories, and see how your perception of the conflict changes.

Do not do it while sitting on the same chair, the energy field will help you enormously to get the different viewpoints right. Make the effort the first time, and you will experience that the exercise is much more powerful than you first could imagine.

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From Havoc to Heaven

The energy field we are using here is the same energy field, which we use in systemic work (family and organizational constellations). If you ever have the opportunity to go to a workshop of a systemic work practitioner, do! The impact is really strong, and you will start to discover a whole new way of looking at yourself and your social environment. example: “I am having many problems with my son and his wife. They live downstairs in our house, and I am not allowed in their house anymore. I always helped them out with money, although my husband and I do not have much ourselves. I bought them new furniture when they married, and I am still paying off their new computer. My son yelled at me the other day, and I really don't know what I am doing wrong. When I did the chair game, I suddenly realized when I sat on my son's chair, that I as a mother do not give him enough space. Although I mean it well, I do not give them the possibility to sort out their own life and find their own way. It made a big change in my thinking, and I now am at least able to understand how this situation could evolve this far. I do try to give them more space, and I started to see that I do not really see him as the adult he is. I feel that things will improve between us, because I now suddenly start seeing his point too”.

“Almost everything we’ll ever do in life that is really powerful, that really produces a result in our lives, that quantum-leaps us to a new level . . . requires us to do something uncomfortable. It takes risks to achieve. It’s often scary. It requires something you didn’t know before or a skill you didn’t have before. But in the end, it’s worth it. As former Congressman Ed Forman says, ‘Winners are those people who make a habit of doing things losers are uncomfortable doing.’ Make today your day to start that uncomfortable new habit.” – Jack Canfield
(From “Favorite Quotes from Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen”)

© 2007 Stepfamilyheaven.com - More (free) reports: Overcome the effects of divorce.

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Chapter 6 Tap into your inner wisdom
We have covered quite some ground up until now, but there is still one skill I really would like you to master, before you finish reading this e-book. If you are doing the ‘staying centered’ exercise regularly, you will feel that it gets easier to be aware of you intuition or gut feeling. When confronted with difficult or stressful situations, we are really much better off if we manage to stay in touch with that place inside us where we do know all the answers. Now, for many of you this sounds like abracadabra, but luckily, there are a couple of ways to unlock this power inside you and to free all blocked energy. One of the techniques we use regularly on ourselves is called Emotional Freedom Technique, EFT. This is a relatively simple sequence of hand positions, whereby your energy meridians get rid of their blockages, so that your body can use its natural healing power to correct what is wrong. Gary Craig has a very interesting website, http://www.emofree.com, and we love to read the stories in his newsletter. Much of his information is free, and if you want to go more in-depth into EFT, he has very well conceived course material. The interesting thing about EFT is that is resolves many emotional issues in very short time, often within 15 minutes. We ourselves experience the real emotional freedom this gives us, and we see the effects in our children and beloved ones. Not only physical ailments get better in no-time, the often underlying emotional issues get out of the way too, and this gives a really warm, open, cozy, safe atmosphere in our house. I know it may all sound a bit strange or dream world, but if you do as we did, just try. You will be amazed by the results. NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) consists of an enormous treasure chest. There are enough valuable techniques to fill 10 books probably; there are some really good books on the market about NLP. Here I will share one of my latest favorite techniques with you, which my dear friend Jankees shared with me.

© 2007 Stepfamilyheaven.com - More (free) reports: Overcome the effects of divorce.

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From Havoc to Heaven

“The energy ball” - exercise
You start with doing the centering exercise of chapter 2, preferably while sitting on a chair. You put your hands in front of you, and you feel the energy flowing from your center to your hands, first to one hand, then to the other, then to both at the same time. When you feel the warmth in your hands, you keep them approximately 10 inches apart, and you feel the energy flow between your hands as a warm ball. Now, if you have something you struggle with, you can put it in this energy ball. And while it is inside the energy ball, you can look at it from all sides, you can feed it with different emotions. Emotions you could start with are “Tenderness”, “Playfulness”, “Your Unleashed Power”, and “Humor”. See how the problem changes, how it feels when you approach it from different angles and with different emotions.
is a p er f ec t wa y to g e t ener g ised too. This

Your relationship with others is the mirror to your relationship with you
(From Daily Pearls of Wisdom, Eva Gregory, www.LeadingEdgeCoaching.com)

© 2007 Stepfamilyheaven.com - More (free) reports: Overcome the effects of divorce.

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Chapter 7 Conclusion and steps for further action
Obviously we only touched on a very small part of the spectrum involved in blended family life. This small report is meant to give you an idea of what is possible when you start walking the path of awareness. We are very interested to hear about your experiences after reading this book and applying the knowledge, so please do drop us an e-mail to share your story on charlottekamman@gmail.com To get further help on your path to happiness and growth, visit http://stepfamilyheaven.com . I have lots of free goodies and information. Go for the step-by-step action plan, claim your complimentary month of e-mail coaching, sign up for the newsletter if you haven’t done so already, and keep practicing the exercises I gave you in this booklet. When you are serious about what you want, and if you decided that creating a happy healthy family-life is one of your priorities, I am sure that if you follow through with the exercises you’ll get there in due time. Maybe you will start to use some of the programs we use ourselves to keep on track, we find them very useful to stay focused on our goals. The funny thing by the way is that we are not only happier as a couple and as a family, we are also more successful in our professional life, and we have a more fulfilling social life too. It seems that working on ourselves, even if it all started with the goal of creating a happy family, pays off in all directions. Finances are better, things actually get done on time, the house is cleaner and tidier, and everyone is generally more on track with his or her purposes in life. If from time to time the going gets rough, don’t despair. Rough patches are there to teach us something, and sometimes a door slams shut only to allow another door to open. Live in the NOW, don’t dwell too much on past or future, and don’t forget to laugh and enjoy today! Remember:

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.

© 2007 Stepfamilyheaven.com - More (free) reports: Overcome the effects of divorce.