Volume 1

Take a whiff, take some laughs and be happy

A collection of jokes for sherry and giggles and maybe a buzz.

Compiled by Bernard Sinai

February 2008

Table of Contents
1.Unrecognizable Truth....................................................................................................3 1.Key to Heaven...............................................................................................................3 2.Queen of the Air............................................................................................................4 3.The Fig Temptation.......................................................................................................4 4.Baked Surprise..............................................................................................................5 5.Lie in my name….........................................................................................................5 6. 80 vs. 20.......................................................................................................................6 7. Fly Hunter....................................................................................................................7 8.Smell the Fork...............................................................................................................7 9.Polish Divorce...............................................................................................................8 10.Better Business Deal...................................................................................................9 11.Noah from Milne Bay and His Big Canoe..................................................................9 12.Lie Clock...................................................................................................................10 13.Coast Clear................................................................................................................10 14.You’re Next!.............................................................................................................10 15.Blind Help.................................................................................................................10 16.Mirror Image.............................................................................................................11 17.Lone Confession.......................................................................................................11 18.Air Niugini Panic Time.............................................................................................11 19.Political Review........................................................................................................12 20.Forget DNA…smile..................................................................................................12 21.The Wife Store..........................................................................................................13 22.Zachary and Math Class............................................................................................14 23.Royal Thing..............................................................................................................14 24.The Preacher’s Bike..................................................................................................15 25.Plug In Death............................................................................................................16 26.4 Men and Their Sons...............................................................................................16 27.Fireman, More Hose.................................................................................................16 28.Kids Are Quick ....................................................................................................17 29.A Priest Cannot Lie...................................................................................................18 30.Magic Elevator..........................................................................................................19 31.Bar Exchange............................................................................................................19 32. Detective Chen.........................................................................................................19 33. Death Wish...............................................................................................................20 34. Escapee’s Delight.....................................................................................................20 35. Technologically Advanced ......................................................................................20 36. Dirty League............................................................................................................21 37. The Legend of Turner Brown..................................................................................21 38. First Year Med. Students. ........................................................................................22 39. Why we love children..............................................................................................22

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1. Unrecognizable Truth
At the hospital a middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live". Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied, “I didn't recognize you.”

help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.” “Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun. “Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.” “Did he now,” said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock.” “Is that a fact,” said the old nun more evenly. “At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
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1. Key to Heaven
It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could

“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”

3. The Fig Temptation
A pastor walked into a neighbourhood pub that was hopping with music and dancing. Every now and than the lights would go out, followed by an eruption of cheers from the crowd. When somebody noticed the pastor, however, the revelry stopped and the room got very quiet. Feeling awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and asked, “May I please use the rest room?” The bartender replied, “I really don't think you should.” “For heaven’s sake, why not?” “Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I'm afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She is only wearing a fig leaf over her....” “Nonsense,” said the pastor, “I'll just look the other way.” And still feeling very self-conscious in the quiet room he entered the men’s room. After a few minutes he emerged, and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause. Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink, on the house. “I don't understand,” the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender, “What happened?”
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2. Queen of the Air
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food & drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle & announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.” On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazypoo, so the main man can pittypat us on the ground.” She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I'm called a Princess. I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”

“They know you're one of us now,” the bartender replied. “How?” The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. “When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, all the lights go out.”

4. Baked Surprise
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. I stopped at the diner restaurant and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" Ugh, I fainted...

5. Lie in my name…
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few
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hours, they ran into a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don't worry,” Jack said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?” “Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?” “Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.” “And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?” Bob's face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything.” And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)................ (Lie in my name and make me rich .....)

6. 80 vs. 20
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You've got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said, “You've got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a
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man.” He responded, “You've got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black.”

and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.” “I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
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7. Fly Hunter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting flies.” He responded. “Oh, killing any?” She asked. “Yep, three males, two females.” he replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?” He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

8. Smell the Fork
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it

comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here...”

Polish Man: "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home." Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" Polish Man: "It made of concrete." Lawyer: “I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?” Polish Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.” Lawyer: “I mean. What are your relations like?” Polish Man: “All my relations still in Poland.” Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” Polish Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.” Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?” Polish Man: “No, I always up before her.” Lawyer: “Is your wife a nagger?” Polish Man: “No, she white.” Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?” Polish Man: “She going to kill me.” Lawyer: “What makes you think that?” Polish Man: “I got proof.” Lawyer: “What kind of proof?” Polish Man: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: ‘Polish Remover’”

9. Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English speaking was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"

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10.Better Business Deal
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...... She said “THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!”

11.Noah from Milne Bay and His Big Canoe
This stoly is a long time Bible Stoly. Maybe your Sunday School teachers dey oledi tell it to you O no, But I want to Stoly it again?Long long time ago the Noah he was in the village and the Lordi, he came down and tell it to the Noah. “O Noah my

balada, tomorrow morning I want you to go into the big bush and make it my one big, big canoe". So that one you know it oledi, the next morning before the kamkams (roosters) they cry, the Noah he carry his axe and he went uuuuuuu right inside the big bush. He cut it one big tree and he start it to make it the canoe. All the people they really laugh at him and they tell it to the Noah, "Hey Noah, you silly man, who gonna help it you pull this big big canoe to the sea". But the Noah he just busy with his axe. Then he look up in the sky and he take it his breath "huhuhu" and Noah he said, "all of us we don't know only our Big Man that one he knows it". When he finish it the canoe, the lordi he came down and tell it to the Noah. "Noah my man, now I want you go into the big bush and collect it all the animals two by two, boysis and girlsis and load it all of them in the big big canoe". So the Noah he obey. When he finish it everything the lord tell it to him to do. That one big rain he came down. He rain and rain and rain and big flood he came up until the house he finish, the coconut he finish and big mountain he finish. All the people that one scared got them and they said, "Ae,Sorry, honest this one maybe oledi our call", and they swim to the Noah and his big big canoe. They shout and said, "Noah honest you our man! Please open the door and we come in!” But the Noah he said, "Ae Solly, honest our Big
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Man he lock it the door and he carry the key and he went falawei and me that one nothing". But the people they keep on asking, asking so the Noah he told them “E, that's the one! Before I use to make it the canoe and you use to make fun of me, and every time I ling it the belo and I useto tell it to you people tapwalolo (church) tapwalolo (church) and you people you never never listen and now how that one? Ae Solly for you, but it's Olait, you feel it!!!" Now you know

13.Coast Clear
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don't now; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

14.You’re Next!
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead! Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don't do it.” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you're next!”

12.Lie Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of the angel at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are LieClocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who’s clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" “That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling s that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.” Hillary asked, “Where’s Bill's clock?” “Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan.”

15.Blind Help
Upon returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
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dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

16.Mirror Image
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it's me!”

house and nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.” “That’s bad my boy. Fortunately you realize your mistake.” “Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.” “That’s not very good of you.” "Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her. Nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.” “Father...Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you?” He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. “Father, why are you hiding here?” “Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

17.Lone Confession
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful." "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.” “Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend. It’s been 3years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her

18.Air Niugini Panic Time
“This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew, I'd like to welcome you aboard your Air Niugini flight to Rabaul and Hoskins. We are currently flying at a height of 10,000 feet, midway across the Solomon Sea.”
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“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me, the co-pilot, and the flight attendant. This is a recording.”

heard a loud whisper: “F**k the Indians.” “Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrashekhar put his hand up. “General Custer, 1862.” At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.”The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Who said that?" Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.” Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.” The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we're fucked!’ and Chandrashekhar quietly whispered, ‘George Bush, Iraq, 2005.’

19.Political Review
Here is a funny joke about a South Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA. It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death”? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775” he said. “Very good!” Who said “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth”? Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863” said Chandrashekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.” She

20.Forget DNA…smile
Maria is a beautiful Samoan girl who fell in love with Sione. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her
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wedding plans; she decided to tell her papa. Papa told her, “Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Sione is your halfbrother, my son to another woman". So Maria forgot about her Sione, and soon planned to marry Manu. But after telling papa again, he said, “Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Manu, my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Manu is your halfbrother too, my other son to another woman.” Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said “Don't worry darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Manu or marry Sione, because you are not related to Papa.”

So, a man goes to the Wife Store to find a wife. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor1- These women are dropdead gorgeous, love the Lord, and are extremely hard working. The second floor sign reads: Floor2- These women are dropdead gorgeous, love the Lord, are extremely hard working and will have your kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor3- These women are dropdead gorgeous, love the Lord, are extremely hard working, will have your kids and take care of all your needs. “Wow,” he thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. He goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor4- These women are dropdead gorgeous, love the Lord, are extremely hard working, will have your kids, take care of all your needs, and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me!” he exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, he goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor5- These women are dropdead gorgeous, love the Lord, are extremely hard working, will have your kids, take care of all your needs, have a strong romantic streak, and are
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21.The Wife Store
A store that sells wives has just opened in New York City, where a man may go to choose a wife. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. “You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the women increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ....You may choose any woman from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

exceptionally skilled to do handy man jobs around the house. He is so tempted to stay, but he goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor6- You are visitor number 14,363,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are absolutely impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Wife Store and please do not attempt to come again! Watch your step as you stumble out the building through the exit door, and have a nice day!

to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

22.Zachary and Math Class
Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, and special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down

23.Royal Thing
As Camilla was making lastminute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister’s, which were a bit on the small side.
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When the day’s festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen’s and Prince Phillip’s. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, “Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me.” The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. “Harder!” Camilla yelled. “Harder!” “I'm trying, darling!” The Prince yelled back. “It's just so bloody tight!” “Come on! Give it all you've got!” There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!" In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin." Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man

24.The Preacher’s Bike
Every Sunday, the town preacher rides his bike to church. This particular day, a member of the church noticed that the preacher was walking. He asked, "Where's your bike?" The preacher said, "Someone stole it. It may have been one of the members". "Well”, the member proceeded to tell him, “for next Sunday's sermon, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to Thou shalt not steal, really stress on it and you'll get your bike back.” The next week the same member saw that the preacher was riding his bike. “I see you have your bike back? Did you do what I told you about preaching on the Ten Commandments?” “Yes” replied the preacher. “Did you stress Thou shalt not steal?” he asked. “No” the preacher answered. “What happened?” asked the member. "Well," said the preacher "when I got to Thou shalt not commit

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adultery, I remembered where I left it”

the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded." The third man said “My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.” The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”

25.Plug In Death
There was once a certain bed in an ICU ward at a hospital, where the people who slept in it died every Sunday at 10.30am in the morning. The doctors and nurses could not come up with a rational explanation except the unconvincing ones like the bed had been cursed or mentally disturbed undertaker had climbed five storeys of building up to the ward to steal the patient. Death after death occurred until one day, a doctor suggested that group of them hide in the ward on Sunday at 10am and watch what happened to the patient. All the staff went about their daily business and the group of doctors and nurses hid in anticipation. At 10.30am sharp, the door opened. The group held their breaths. They were all too shocked, when old McKenzie, the hospital cleaner, came in, took out the plug of the life-support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner to vacuum the ward.

26.4 Men and Their Sons
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into

27.Fireman, More Hose

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A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we a have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.” The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1!” The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!” The wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" ”What the fuck BELL 4?” asked the husband? ”ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,” she yelled, “YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE”

FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

28.Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?” “I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie...” “You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you,” and with that she hands him the hair remover. After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father’s turn in line. “Father, do you have anything to declare?” asks the Custom’s officer. “From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son.” Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask, “And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?” The father replies, “I have a marvellous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used...” Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, “Go right through father. Next!”

29.A Priest Cannot Lie
A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks “Excuse me father, may I ask a favour of you?” “Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?” he replies. “Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money

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30.Magic Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... “Go get your mother.”

31.Bar Exchange
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won't sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean K200?”

32. Detective Chen
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch her and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received his report: (read out loud) MOST HONORABLE SIR:
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YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO THE HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL, I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL FROM TREE. I NOT SEE.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then goes up into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells the wife: “Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which the wife responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!”

33. Death Wish
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I am coming up to die.” She laughed and replied, “I am coming down to kill you!”

35. Technologically Advanced
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
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34. Escapee’s Delight

their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So as not be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m and headlines in the US newspapers read: “US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.” One week later, the Papua New Guinea press reported the following: “After digging as deep as 500m, PNG archaeologists have found absolutely nothing. They concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones…”

another one and says, “Penalty 10-all.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10.” Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, “What the hell was that?” The old man says, “Half time, change sides.”

37. The Legend of Turner Brown
A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small white guy: “What's wrong?” The small white guy says: “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

36. Dirty League
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, “Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart rugby.” A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Try and conversion - 7-all”. After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Penalty - 10 points to 7.” Not to be outdone, the wife rips out

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The big black dude looks down and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown” The small white guy says: “Thank God! I thought you said turn around”

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

39. Why we love children
We love children for all sorts of reasons, here are some of them. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Daaad…” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring some water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?” “I told you No. If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you.” Five minutes later: “Daaaaaad…when you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?” One summer during a violent storm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother shrugged and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room. A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

38. First Year Med. Students.
First-year students at Medical Sc hool were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class b y telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. "For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing!” He told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for severa l minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT!!!” exclaimed the teacher in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy. “I learned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” An exasperated mother whose son was always getting into mischief finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” the boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

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