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“UNTITLED”

Mike (V.0) (to Craig)


This moment is bigger than u think, so grow a pair of nuts
and get your ass ready.

Craig (V.O)
Ok dude.

A man emerges from inside the car looking around the gas
station. He appears to be in his mid-twenties, and sports a
beard of stubble. His eyes are hid by aviator sunglasses
and a cap is pulled down tightly over his head. He walks
over to the pump and looks down at the nozzle.

Mike takes the nozzle and inserts it into the car. He turns
around and leans against the car retrieving a pack of
cigarettes from the pocket of his denim shirt.
He shakes the pack, and pulls the lone cigarette which
emerges from the pack with his lips. Taking a match from
his pocket, he looks over at the kid and lights the match
off the stubble on his face. The kid standing by is amazed.

MIKE
Mike pumps gas... (He also smokes at the same time.)

Suddenly, the door to the gas station bursts open and a


portly, gruff-looking ATTENDANT sticks his head out. He
wears a trucker cap, tight fitting shirt (accentuating his
belly), and has a cigar wedged between his lips.

ATTENDANT
Hey!

ATTENDANT (CONT'D)
No smoking!

Mike ignores him.

ATTENDANT (CONT'D)

What, you some kind of tough guy? I'm guessing you wouldn't
be so tough if I called the police.

Mike shoots his head up, alert. He takes the cigarette from
his mouth.
ATTENDANT (CONT'D)

that’s what I thought. Now, you just be a good boy.

A click sounds, and mike returns the nozzle to the gas


pump. He exaggeratedly flicks the cap back into place.

INT. GAS STATION LOBBY - DAY

Mike enters and walks to the angered attendant who has


regained his gruff attitude. Mike clears his throat
pointing out towards the lot.

Mike

That pump out there.

The attendant looks out towards the pump and begins to ring
up Mike's order. As he operates the register he does a
double take in the car's direction. With a casual chuckle,
the attendant looks at Mike.

ATTENDANT

Looks like someone's stealing your piece of shit car.

Mike’s head turns quickly as he looks out the window.

EXT. GAS STATION PARKING LOT - DAY

A MAN IN A SKI MASK is already at the door to mike's car,


entering. He slips behind the wheel quickly fidgeting
around, eventually bringing the car to life.

INT. GAS STATION LOBBY - DAY

Mike continues to stare, clenching his jaw.

Mike
Son of a b.

He turns mechanically, reminiscent of the T-100 in movement


and storms out the door.
The attendant laughs to himself as he watches.

EXT. GAS STATION PARKING LOT - DAY

Mike emerges from the gas station just as the car drives
away. Mike runs out of the gas station after the car.

INT. GAS STATION LOBBY - DAY


ATTENDANT

Serves him right,stupid son of a bitch.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Mike continues to chase the car, not slowing down.

INT. GAS STATION LOBBY - DAY

The attendant continues to laugh to himself. As he looks to


the register a look of realization slowly crosses his face
as his laughter tapers off as he looks to the illuminated
$20.00 on the register.

EXT. STREET - DAY

mike starts to slow his run to a gentle walk (a la Usual


Suspects). He now struts along casually, smiling to
himself.

INT. GAS STATION LOBBY - DAY

ATTENDANT

Hey, wait a minute.

The attendant pauses to piece it together, looking from the


register to the gas pump.

EXT. STREET - DAY

mike's car suddenly pulls directly in front of him and he


stops dead in his tracks, looking at the car. Smiling, he
lets himself in.

INT. CAR - DAY

Seated in the DRIVER's seat is the man in the ski mask. He


rips off the mask, revealing mike’s friend Craig, grinning
widely.

Craig
All this for some free gas.

Craig
I hate u mike, when u make me put on this ski mask.

Mike
Normalcy is not really our life style man.
Craig
ok.I need to pick up my DVDs and video games from ur
apartment.

Mike
Oh did u leave them at my apartment.

Craig
No dumbass, u borrowed them a month back and never
returned them.

Mike
Take it easy dude.

They drive by to mike’s apartment.

Mike goes into his room in his apartment.

Craig goes outside and waits….. Mike goes inside a wears


a vest ….

Craig
What is that dickmouth?

Mike
It is a vest ….

Craig
U look like Aladdin in it,remove it.

Craig and mike sit in the patio, brad (a common friend) passes
by

Brad
What’s up guys?

Craig
Hey what’s up?

Brad
I heard that someone from our high school had his junk
on fire…

Craig
Really!

Brad
Yeah,as joke he whipped out his junk… put it in a hot dog
bun, and started dumping hot-sauce all over it. He ended
up in the kitchen sink straddling the faucet with
the cold water on full tilt.

Mike
I heard that it was you!

Brad is embarrassed .It was infact him.


Craig
What the fuck is that smell?

Brad
It’s a new cologne that my girlfriend gave me.

Craig
You sure it ain't bottled cat piss?

Brad
Go fuck yourself.

Craig
I will once you stfu about your stinky cologne and
will smoke my cigarette.

Craig starts lighting his cigarette.

Brad
Anyway,Marlboros is my favorite.

Craig
Marlboros is also my favorite.

Mike
Will you two fags stop hitting on each other and pass on that
lighter,damn.

Brad is embarrassed enough, decides to leave.

Brad
Ok guys I need to leave.

Brad leaves.

Mike gets a call from his boss.

Mike goes inside mike’s apartment… Craig follows him,craig sits on the
counch.

Mike
(into the phone)
Mike's phone. Mike speaking.

(Listening)
Oh, hey.

Mike
(to boss)
I'm sorry. Can you hold on for a second? I need to talk
something important with my friend.

Mike puts the phone on mute but accidently butt dials the
phone so the boss is hearing the whole conversation (in short
Mike pressed the wrong button on the phone, the phone is not
on mute)...

mike( to buddy Craig )


Dude do u want to get high?

Craig
I have shit load of work.

mike
when is getting high ever stopped u from working...

mike
dude I just bought a dime of blue magic from downtown,even
though I am on probation and I'm not smoking that shit alone.

Craig
no dude.

mike
chill the *beep* out and get stoned. becoz today, I
Want both of us to hit the joint.let's get blitzed,dawg.

Mike (tries to unmute the mute phone ....)


(To boss)
I am going to call in sick today sir…

boss
I just heard everything u just said.

Mike
fuck! I butt dialed my phone.

boss
do u still think that after the way u talked,I still want u come back
to work... u are fired!!!

Boss
u do great work every day,what happened to u?

Mike
Anyways as I am fired and I no longer care, I will just
say this just becoz u are hung like a horse doesn’t mean
U got to do porn. Stallion!!!

Craig and mike come into the patio area …

Craig has a newspaper in his hand …..

Mike
This newspaper sucks man.
Craig
Yeah but it sucks for free.

Mike gives Craig the newspaper ……..

Craig
This is interesting.
(Reading local weekly newspaper )

I can’t believe, Steve carrel who is doing the office on NBC


is making 800003/week.

Craig
I got to think of it but how do u negotiate a deal for
800003 dollars (highlighting that 3 in his voice). How does this
work, ur guy sits down with their guy and their guy says
allright,we are prepared to pay ur client 800000$ dollars per
week. And Steve carrel’s agent goes "come on now the man's got
to eat, come on. I can’t go back with an offer like this, throw
me a bone".

Mike
a little meal money, that extra 3 dollars.

Craig (laughing)
trying to getting every nickel.

Mike
yep.

EXT: outside mike’s apartment

They come outside and sit on the apartment stairs.

A girl walks by.

Mike tries to make a move… the girl ignores and walks away
to her car.

Mike
Women need to be cooler man, Women like sex as much we do. Women
do want to fuck but women are always like nooooooooooo and
they go home and have all that electrical equipment like
vibrator etc.I will fuck everything that moves.

Craig notices a tattoo on mike's arm.

Craig
that tattoo u got on your arm, is a real tattoo man.

Mike
thank you man.

Mike
Last night I was in a club, I saw a girl with a little
fish on top of her banooches (vagina).
Craig (laughing)

Once I saw a gal whose pants were so low cut at a club,u


could see her tramp stamp.

Iam planning to get four tattoos dude, I will get an octopus (I


was born on the 17th, 1+7=8. Octopuses have 8 arms), a
dragon with a tail of flames (I was born in the year of the
dragon, fire dragon to be exact), a YIN YANG with flames in
the dark side, water in the white side. And a picture of
buddastavs ,(the gatekeeper to the door of reincarnation).

Mike
cool man, let us go to ur apartment, I need to borrow some
more DVDs and video games.

Craig sighs
u want to borrow more...u never return shit.

mike
come on man I still need to watch the Simpsons DVD u got and I
also need ur Xbox.

Craig
ok but return it back next time.

INT: INSIDE CRAIG’S CAR

Walking towards the apartment …

Mike( joint in his hand )


man we really need the hit the joint later on.

Craig
Let us see …

MIKE
u know what, lot of people really don’t know, is there is not
enough getting high going on, they say we can’t get high now as
we are at war and shit but I say get those last few joints in
right now.

CRAIG
Hmmmm.

MIKE
u got no job,U got nothing to do, let us hang out and chief out.

CRAIG
I don’t know man.

Craig
I have shit load of work to do as I said before.
INT. DRIVEWAY TO craig’s HOUSE

CRAIG
Well I need to get my TV pilot script done. I have been working on it for
a year now.
Mike
Smoke some weed and get ur writing done.

Craig
Also I need to meet my girl Monica later today.

Mike
Whatever dude.

Mike and Craig are right in front of Craig’s house.

Craig notices his dad is inside the apartment ,in the hall.

Craig
oh shit, my dad is in the hallway and u know he hates
u,get through this window.... (This is my brother’s
Bedroom /basement)... stay in here while I get u
the DVD and the Xbox.

Craig walks into his apartment/hallway.

INT: Chris BASEMENT

Chris is a handsome,skinny,seventeen year old with a Mohawk. He is in


front of the mirror practicing his lines for a school play.

He wants to major in Theatre at Juilliard School. The bedroom is


dominated by a huge portrait of Lee Strasberg, painted on bed sheet
hanging on one wall.
He walks to a homemade calendar it is marked, “enrollment/audition“ the
calendar has half the squares filled with magic marker. CHRIS uncaps a
magic marker and fills in one more square.

MIKE jumps into CRAIG’s (CHRIS) brother’s bedroom.

INT. FAMILY ROOM - DAY

CRAIG slowly enters the family room where he sees his father and he goes
into the kitchen and grabs a drink from the refrigerator.
STEPHEN (pronounced Steven), screaming on the phone and his mother,
JODIE, sitting on the couch reading the newspaper.Infront of Stephen is a
broken computer. Stephen is trying to fix his computer.
STEPHEN
Oh I get it, so I'm not important enough to get a
solution for my computer, huh? You people are a bunch of crooks!

CRAIG looks to the floor and sees a broken computer.

Technician
How is it going on Stephen?

Stephen
Bush is talking on TV again. What a fucking errorist that is
What’s going on?

Stephen
Asking me what is going on, fucking fix my computer.

STEPHEN
I can't even understand you now, jerk! Do you even
speak English? Buenos noches to you too!

STEPHEN puts the phone (on mute) to the side and flops on the
ground.

STEPHEN
What a bunch of bull.

TECHNICIAN (V.O.)
Keep insulting me, sir, it s really helping.

STEPHEN (answering the Phone again)


Hello? Do you have any idea of how incompetent you people are?

TECHNICIAN (V.O.)
What’s the problem? Calm down sir.

Stephen kicking the broken computer and shouting the problem on


the phone.

STEPHEN
Calm down? You want me to calm down?!

TECHNICIAN (V.O.)
Yes, Steffen, you need to calm down.

STEPHEN
My name is STEPHEN. Not Steffen!

TECHNICIAN (V.O.)
I'm sorry, Steffen.

Technician
I am having trouble concentrating with all the noise in the
back ground.

Stephen
U should try pills for ur attention deficit disorder.

Technician
I am off pills sir.

Stephen
Fucking wise move.

STEPHEN smashes the phone against the wall and kicks the computer some
more.

STEPHEN (to Craig)


CRAIG where the heck have u been. U did not come back home
at 11 again yesterday night.

STEPHEN

I don’t give a shit where u going to be , be home by 11, u


understand CRAIG 11.what the clock say ,the clock *beep*
clock say 11, get ur ass back home next time by 11. I don’t
want to see u on the streets with those punks anymore
otherwise I will kick ur ass.

Cut to

INT.CHRIS'S BASEMENT - DAY

Mike sits beside Chris.

MIKE (gives him to smoke)


what? U don’t smoke anymore?

CHRIS shakes his head)

Mike
why not?
CHRIS rolls his eyes and half shrugs and says

CHRIS
I have stopped drinking and smoking, I am acting in a play at the
local theatre and the character I am playing does not smoke or drink.

Mike(almost shaking his head in disbelief)


so u gave up smoking and drinking just for some role u are playing at
the local theater.

Chris
yep man, it’s called method acting.

Mike
no lying dude, u are dedicated.

Mike notices a bed sheet painting of Lee Strasberg hanging on his wall.
MIKE turns and looks.

MIKE
who is that oldie?

Chris
that is lee Strasberg, the man who started method acting.

Mike
as far as I remember, u used to smoke and drink all day.

Chris
that is all changed.

Mike
U want to get high?

Chris is reading some acting book with headphones in his


ears.

CHRIS
I did not hear u, what did u say.

MIKE
nothing.

Craig
Dude don’t concentrate so hard… ur hair will start
burning.

mike is intrigued by Chris. He ventures out.

MIKE
u got a girlfriend?

CHRIS looks at MIKE, then shakes his head to indicate 'No'

MIKE
boyfriend?

CHRIS gives MIKE a look

MIKE
kidding. I know.

Beat

Chris shows at another poster. It reads “I hate everyone".


Mike totally confused with this weird stuck up behavior of
Chris.
CRAIG (Chris cousin brother) walks in.

MIKE
so, Craig, I couldn’t help notice Chris has stopped
drinking and smoking. He is no longer the old Chris we all
knew back in the day.

Craig
oh I forgot to tell you, Chris is trying to get into
Juilliard School with scholarship. And the teacher at the
local theater has promised to write him a good
recommendation letter and also it helps him improve his
G.P.A if he gets his act right in the next play,inspite of all
his previous infractions at the school. Since then Chris has
taken a vow not to drink or smoke until he achieves his goal.

Mike to CHRIS
u are kidding!

Craig
he is not kidding.Infact he is expecting a letter of
acceptance from the school sometime soon.

Craig leaves

mike
I understand that u hate everyone but what do u think of ur
Brother.

Chris
he is ok I guess ...now his life revolves around that girl
Monica.he is less focused on his dream of being a Hollywood
Screenwriter u know.

Mike
my god u are so young and focused.

Chris
yes I am focused but I am old enough ... to tell when my brother is acting
like total a-hole.

Craig reenters the hall, where Stephen is there.

CRAIG on his way to the restroom.

Stephen
did u put the trash out?

Craig (is on his way to restroom, more specifically about to enter the
restroom)
ok dad (can I jerk off first (in thought bubbles))
Give me 10mins I will be back.

STEPHEn
Be back in 3 mins. I know what heck u do there boy.

Stephen pointing to the restroom

CRAIG
what (disgusted)!

STEPHEN
why do u take so much time in the restroom, you are full of shit.
CRAIG goes inside the restroom then Craig grabs a Hershey chocolate bar and
rubs it into his hands (it looks like shit comes out and shows it to STEPHEN is
disgusted looking at shit (which is actually a chocolate bar).

CRAIG licks his fingers.

STEPHEN totally angry, asks him to get back into the restroom.

INT: INSIDE THE RESTROOM

CRAIG goes back into the rest room and jerks off to a porno Magazine.craig
fixes a toilet monster(It is a scary thing that pops up when one lifts the
lid of the restroom).

Craig comes out and drives off.

Stephen enters the restroom .And he opens the lid and


suddenly the toilet monster pops out. It scares the shit
out of Stephen.

STEPHEN(shouts in anger)
Craig. I will kill u Craig.

Craig has already left his apartment and drives to girl friend’s
apartment.

INT.GIRLFRIEND'S APARTMENT-DAY

CRAIG makes it on time.

Enters girlfriend’s house and hugs her

Craig
What’s up baby?

Monica
I am checking my email…

Craig
Lot of emails I guess.

Monica
I have so much spam. (Sarcastically)I like spam served by brown
bread and pickles maybe little corn on the side.

Monica yells in pain …

Craig
Now what?

Monica
I think I am being electrocuted by my laptop! I’m definitely
feeling a little current, from where my left wrist sits on
the laptop.

Craig
What brand is it?

Monica
It is Toshiba …

Craig
They suck, u should get one from Dell…

Monica
Planning to get one, once I have enough money.

Craig
Btw, did u give my phone number as an alternate number for any credit card
company.

Monica
yes I did, why are u asking.

Craig
some credit card company has called and left a message
about ur credit card and said that there is unusual
activity on ur account.

Monica
I haven't used my card in weeks.

Craig
that is an unusual activity!

Craig ( he always wanted to say this , he finally


let's it out):
Please don’t ever let that cat of yours sleep with us on
the bed.

Monica
why not,it has very little hair and it is such a nice cat
...she kisses me on my cheek when I come back from work,
she would fetch stuff for me ,do u know of any other cat
that does that .she keeps my company when I am alone. She
is really good to me.

Craig
good for you but one day I wake up and your "nice cat" was
licking my balls! And I jump off and I look down to see
four parallel lines from my balls to my thighs. They were
claw marks!
Monica
not again Craig ,u had the same problem with my other cat
before and I gave that cat to my friend just because of you.

Craig
well yeah, ur other cat was nice until one day when I was
sleeping in your bed ur cat jumped onto the bed and started
to play by jiggling with my balls. I fucking hate cats.

Monica
I love my cats.

Monica leaves , Monica is at her car, Craig is at his car.

Craig mutters to himself

Craig
U will know how it is, when ur cats play with ur tits.

Craig leaves her apartment as Monica drives off to work.

Cut to

INT: CHRIS BEDROOM

MIKE
do u want to hang out with us later on today?

CHRIS
all I ask is that u leave me alone...

MIKE before I leave I want to give some advice.Can I give u


some advice.

CHRIS shakes his head.

MIKE
I will do it anyway, I don’t want u to be making the same
mistakes I did when I was in my teens.

MIKE
Kid, fuck a lot of women not just one woman, a lot of woman.

MIKE
are u getting anything right now. Tell me really.
CHRIS shakes his head.

Mike takes out some condoms and gives Chris.

mike
u should have this durex her sensation condoms.

Chris
No

Mike
Whenever I put them on … my girlfriend feels like my junk
smells like Tropical Punch. She really gets turned on by
the smell.

Mike hands Chris some condoms, Chris takes the condoms


reluctantly.

Mike
I got to bounce. I will give Craig a call later.

Mike leaves

A little later

Cut to-

Craig drives into his apartment.

Craig gets a call.

MONICA
where the heck were u last night ... my cousin just called
me and told me some serious juice about u and some chick.
She saw u both at some toga party last night.

CRAIG
I didn’t go to any party last night.

MONICA
u don’t have to lie CRAIG.

CRAIG
monica I am not lying, I didn’t go to any toga party last
night.Infact I never went to one in my life.

Monica
My cousin says she got pictures of u and that chick on her
cell phone.

Craig
What the heck!

Monica
it is over craig.Just so that u know, I am going on a date
with my boss today.

Craig

girl go ahead but remember one thing that rich boss of


yours can buy u anything girl but that rich guy can’t buy a
goddamn back bone for himself.

monica
Whatever, um, I am not going to return the chain u gave
me.

Craig
whatever the fuckever!

Cut to-

INT. FAMILY ROOM - DAY

STEPHEN stands over a FAT COMPUTER technician with his arms


crossed while fat computer technician investigates the
insides of the broken computer.

FAT TECHNICIAN

Hmmm. I'm not finding much here, Stephon.

STEPHEN cringes.

STEPHEN
STEPHEN, actually.

FAT TECHNICIAN

Whatever. I'm not finding anything.

STEPHEN

That's surprising,I thought you were a professional.


FAT TECHNICIAN

Sir, I am a professional.

STEPHEN

Then find the problem.

FAT TECHNICIAN
I'm trying to! There's too much dust in here!

STEPHEN
Here, I'll help you.

STEPHEN kneels down, takes a deep breath, and blows into


the computer, creating a dust storm around the technician's
face. The technician coughs several times before
confronting STEPHEN.

STEPHEN

I'm not paying you to spread your germs in my house!

FAT TECHNICIAN
what the hell is the matter with you?

STEPHEN
you’re slacking is what that matters me the most! Fix my
machine! Or else learn some real trade son.

FAT TECHNICIAN
Fix it yourself, Stephon!

In a rage of fury, the technician grabs his tools and


exits, leaving STEPHEN with an even more damaged computer
sitting on the floor.

CUT TO:

MIKE goes to his apartment and Mr. COSTELLO is waiting


outside for his money.

EXT: OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT

Mr. COSTELLO
when are u going to return the money u borrowed for school.
I found out that u are no longer going to school.

MIKE
see Mr. COSTELLO, I figured out that there is no point in
going to school and wasting 4 yrs instead I am going to
dropout and become a businessman.Iam hustling man. I will
buy drugs and sell them man! and I am going to make a rap
record about it and make millions,dude,"millions",u can be
in my posse dawg.

Mr. COSTELLO
stop bullshitting.anyway how is ur plan coming along.

MIKE
not too well,People are broke these days man with all the
low employment and war going around.

Mr. COSTELLO
I don’t want u to fuck my money up .playing with my money
is like playing with my feelings.

MIKE
u are the last person that I would mess with dude. Iam
going to return ur money.

Mr. COSTELLO
fuck return it asap.Eminem impersonating *beep*.

Mr. COSTELLO
what day is it.

Mike
Friday.

Mr costello
I will be here on Sunday, to get my money back,allright.

MIKE
sure.

costello
And if u keep talking BS like this and I'm going to make you
dust your back off.

The Italian guy leaves and CRAIG comes outside the apartment
into the patio area.

EXT: OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT

Craig and mike meet up again.

craig
I lost my job, my girl an I hate my *beep* step father.

Mike
U guys broke up for real, I mean for real, for real…

craig
Yep man, anyway it wasn’t working out, so it was big fat sack
of no to her bullshit.
craig
I spoke with her dad, he is embarrassed by her too.

craig
Hopeful now her dad will post a blog about how embarrassed he
his, by she being a town whore and asking everyone if he
should let her stranded in some national forest but only as a
joke.

Mike
I saw ur girl the other day in the mall, she was with some
other guy...She seems to be going around.

craig
Damn.fuck her man. I gave her a nice chain as a gift, and
now we break up and she doesn’t want to return it.U know
what,If I get married to her and then we get divorce and go to
court she will be like I want 100% of everything that is
his,ur honor. She will be like, ur honor, does he have any
dreams I want them too.

Mike
What do u both fight about?

craig
well,I tell her that the cats were causing all sort of
problems , the same stuff I told u yesterday. She starts to
freak out and then she calls me and says that she saw me
with some chick and that she is moving on. I told her to go
ahead.

Mike

u did the right thing dude.I can understand ur fragile


state of mind.let us hit the joint.

craig
I am in no fragile state.heck with screw loose Monica

Mike
dude it so happens that monica’s cat reminded me of this
one incident with my ex gf Sara’s dogs. While in high
school, my GF and I were in her parent’s basement on a
daybed making out. Out of nowhere we hear something coming
down the stairs. We both freak out and hurry to reposition
ourselves and look presentable but it was the family dog
just coming down into the basement with us. So, after our
heartbeats slowed down a bit, we went back to the whole
making out process.

craig (starts to lighten up)


laughs

mike
after about 10 minutes,the dog leapt onto the bed and in a
split second, started humping the
bedpost and after few minutes the dog left.

craig

Pretty hilarious!

mike
then her mom comes into the basement,we both hurry and
reposition ourselves and look presentable.

Mike

her mom says Sara, we need talk now and her mom leaves and
I leave immediately and it turns out after the little
humping the lamppost, the dog took the Sara’s underwear to
her mom.

craig
still laughing.

Mike (smoking weed)


later on whenever I go down around her house, her mom has
that look on her face and I never went back to that house
again.

Craig
Dude all jokes aside, what did u do with the money costello gave u.

Mike
I gambled away all the money in the casino man.

Craig

is this for real? like for real , for real, that was
costello’s money that u gambled with yesterday.fuck
man.

mike
yes it was costello’s money.

craig
why didn’t u tell me yesterday when I accompanied u to the
casino.
Mike
Because I know,u wouldn’t allow me gamble away someone
else's money especially Costello’s.

Craig
Holy shit how are u gonna to return him his money back.

craig
what did u tell him when he came by ur apartment?

mike
I told him that I am buying and selling drugs and that iam
a businessman.

craig
Fuck, why did u tell him that?

mike
because that was the actual plan I wanted buy and sell
drugs before I could put my plan into action ,I gambled all
of Costello’s money away in the casino.

Craig
Fuck man ... u are fucking lame..he is going to kill u.

criag
I frigging hope we come out successfully from this tiolet
dump of a situation.

craig
how much is the money.

mike
it is like ten large.

Craig
Dude,that’s lot of money.

mike
dude my only real vice is gambling...

craig
what about drugs dude.

mike
ok drugs and gambling are my only vices.

craig
what about..drinking,smoking,cigarettes,breaking the
law,fake ids,speeding,going to strip clubs,watching too
much porn,jerking off all the time and what not.

mike
enough man... I know i have lot of vices and iam lame....

mike
what about u dude? U are as lame as Iam , u gave a nice
chain worth lot of money to your girlfriend as a gift.

criag
hey don’t canonize me for being selfless.

mike
u are not selfless.u are a dumbass.

Mike
did u ask her for the chain back dude ?

craig
no

mike
I think we can still get ur chain back if u really want it
.there are two ways to go about it -ask her nicely again or go to
court.
Craig
court?

mike
yes lame ass.i sometimes watch Judge Judy on fox and I have
seen her order a ex gf give a chain back to the ex bf when it
was the gf who broke off...

craig
just forget it dude. I wish i concentrated more on
becoming a screenwriter ,I wish I had more commitment towards it like
chris has now for acting instead of spending all my time and
money with monica.

Craig
Give me that Joint.

CRAIG and mike start smoking

A little while later.

CRAIG
I need to acknowledge this dude, u are not as stupid as I
thought u got some good stuff.

mike
We are so high not low.

CRAIG
It stimulates my mind and makes me feel like I can do
anything .

MIKE
it is so smooth . It keeps me going.

CRAIG
Cool dude.

Craig looks at the time...


CRAIG
My dad must have left the house by now....

Craig
My dad has a gun, a real one, if u want to have it, u can
Have it for a day or two for some self protection from
Costello.

Mike
Hey no

Craig
Dude, it is awesome to have a gun … it is like having two
dicks.

Mike
No man, i might smoke a little weed and play around
but I don’t go around carrying guns.

Craig
Iam telling u dude … u would happy as a dog would be if it
found that extra penis.

MIKE
We can meet Kane later, he might help us with our money situation
and then we can repay Costello.

A little later

Jessica (Craig’s friend) comes by (notices mike, she knows him)

mike
U Should hit that shit like it stole something.

Jessica (to Craig)


hey. U look cool today.

Craig
hey Jessica, how are u doing...

Jessica
Hey Craig is ur mom there.

Craig
She didn’t come back from work yet.

Jessica
Did u have the lasagna I bought?

Mike
Yep I did. Come inside and sit down.

Jessica comes inside.


Mike goes off

Craig and Jessica sit on the opposite side.

Jessica
What’s going on Craig?

Craig

Nothing much, lost my job, anyway the boss was such a jerk.

Jessica
Oh... sorry to hear that...

Craig
It’s ok.

Jessica
Are u high?

Craig
No why do u say that?

Jessica
U look like u have been smoking ... but iam cool with it...

Craig
No iam cool, I haven’t been in smoking.

Jessica
Ok.

Craig
I got to go in here to the restroom, real quick....

Jessica
All right.

Craig washes his face and comes out.

Jessica
Did look at the school brochure I left the other day...u
should get back to school.

Craig
The last thing I need today is lecture, Jessica.

Jessica
All I saying is that if u are unhappy get back to school.

Jessica leaves, Mike enters again.

Mike

Chick's nuts about you. How long


Did you date Monica?

Craig
Two years.

Mike
Chick only made you nuts. Next time don’t fess, just ask
Jessica out.

Craig
I have enough indignities in life when people start
lecturing what to do. I hate that.

Mike
So what, She’s kind of fuckin' cute.
Let her touch your penis.

Mike notices a gift.

Mike
what is that gift.

Craig
oh, that is gift from Neil, he always gives some crazy
gifts.

Mike opens up the gift it is a blow up doll. Mike tries to


blow air, he can't.

Craig
we should probably drive up to the gas station and blow air
into this blow up doll.

Mike
that's right.

Craig and mike drive up to a gas station and blow air into
the blow up doll (Craig and mike laugh through the whole
process of blowing air into blow up doll).

Craig and mike drive to the apartment.

Craig goes to his apartment. Mike goes to his apartment.

Cut to-

CRAIG dream scene after smoking a lot all throughout the


day.

INT INSIDE APARTMENT-DAY

Craig is in heavy trance after all the joint he has smoking


all day. We begin to hear a romantic song as Craig stares
lovingly at the joint in his hand.

Craig enters a dreamlike state.

Dissolve to

Big lady like joint...


Ext. Craig’s bed room

joint

joint gives CRAIG...Oral sex, massaging...

Joint sleeping beside craig.After a while, the joint wakes


up.

Joint
Come on hero it is time to get up.

Craig doesn’t wake up. Joint Makes some coffee and gets it

Joint
time to smoke Craig and have some coffee.

Craig wakes up.

Joint
come on now we got nothing to do today.
Fuck all ur appointments.
I and u are going to hang out together.

Joint

take it CRAIG. (Joint hands Craig a joint)

Joint
CRIAG I got u covered for the whole day.
I know how u feel CRAIG.
Just light me up... Just hold me up for couple of days. We
will talk it over.

subtitles "a year later"


Craig still not quitting the joint, still having a great
relationship with Joint.

Joint
I love u, Craig.

Craig
I love u joint.

Some one calls

CRAIG
u are just meddling in my business.
U just jealous because I am having such a fucking good time
.leave me the f alone.

The bag of weed is holding a box containing pictures


and memorabilia of its relationship.

Joint

I understand u CRAIG, they don’t know u, its


ur life, they don’t have the right to fuck
with u.where were they when u needed them.
Come on in here with me. I love u.
Cut to-

joint

u let me lay a little low yesterday.


I don’t like that. Don’t let me lay low again.

CRAIG
ok!

Mike comes back after a while and knocks on the


door. Craig opens the door.

Mike
dude, we need to go and meet Kane, he lives way out
in east butt-fuck, maybe he will
lend us some money so we can return it to Costello.

Craig
Chris took my car for his acting class .let us ask Blake and George for a
ride.

INT: INSIDE APARTMENT NUMBER 216

Craig and mike walk into an apartment that looks almost identical to
theirs (instead of a "Billy Madison" poster there's one of happy
Gilmore").

Sitting on the couch is Blake (wearing khakis and sweater) and mike
(wearing a t-shirt) both of them are taking bong hits out of a bong while
watching TV as Craig and mike enter.

CRAIG
yo Blake and George get up, let us go for a drive to east LA.

Blake and George continue staring at the TV.

Blake
Sorry guys, we can’t go anywhere we are playing Xbox 360.

Blake
U want some cake, u can have it, it is in the kitchen.

Craig and mike check out Blake’s refrigerator, Blake and


George ignore them.

Cut to-
George (to Blake)
so you're gay, now?

Blake
No, I'm not gay. I’m just celibate. No more drama from
women, man.

George
celibate...I mean, that sounds gay.

Blake
you’re gay for saying that.

George

You know how I know you're gay? becoz you're wearing your
ACG's you're just letting everyone know that you're a cum
guzzler.

Blake
You know how I know you're gay?
because you wear your boxers backwards"

George
You know how I know you're gay, You just told me you're not
sleeping with women anymore.

Blake
You know how I know you're gay,u put cell phone on vibrate
between ur legs.

George
You know how I know you're gay, u stripped at Danny’s
bachelor party.

Blake
You know how I know you're gay, u touch urself when pretty
Ricky songs come on.

George
You know how I know you're gay, you know how I know your
gay... you've seen Rent 6 times!'

Blake
You know how I know you're gay, You got beat by a gay dude.

George
You know how I know you're gay your playing a SONY console.
Blake
You know how I know you're gay because u ripped that line
from 40yr old virgin.

George
it is a new take of the original with no lines from the
original, a tribute to the original shit.

Mike and Craig have been eating in the kitchen all along.

Craig
Ok guys we are leaving.

Mike and Craig leave ….

George
I think they are gay for each other.

Blake
when would u stop labeling everyone u know as gay .u
labeled 90% of people in high school as gay because u are
jealous of their success.

George
that is true. I don’t know man, I always I think they are
just putting up some other front for being gay.

Blake
keep sucking on this (giving George the bong).

EXT: PARKING LOT WAITING FOR CAB

Craig
I thought we could get a ride from Blake and George.
Mike
Damn those lazy mother fuckers. Let me make a call to
yellow cab.

Craig
Ok.

Craig goes inside to get his laptop.

EXT: HALLWAY

Craig comes out of his apartment with his laptop.


Mike
why the hell are you bringing your laptop.

Craig
planning to get some work done on the TV pilot script,
remember.

Mike
oh yeah.

Mike checks his pockets and comes up empty.

Mike
Shit, I forgot my cell phone.

CRAIG
you want to run back and get it?

MIKE thinks for a moment.

Reveals that the guys are less than 20 feet from their door.

Mike
No, we've gone too far.

INT: INSIDE THE CAB

Craig (to the cab driver)


are u taking the known route or the short cut route?

Cab driver
I have no idea about the shortcut. I will take the main
route.

CRAIG
take the short cut route. It is easy to get there thru
the short cut route.
Cab driver
I don’t know the shortcut route.
Craig
that is why it is called the short cut route, a little
alternative route that lot of people are not aware of,
otherwise that would be the main route. In life there is
the known and the unknown .People think the known way is
the safest way of doing things but sometimes the unknown
way might be the right way.

CAB DRIVER
stops lecturing me. I will go thru the shortcut.

After driving around.

Mike
I saw ur bumper sticker, it was funny dude...
“Jesus loves u, everyone else thinks u are an asshole”

Cab driver
thanx.I work on the side for an internet company that makes
funny bumper stickers. Some of them are right here, If u
guys want to have a look.

Craig takes the few funny bumper stickers that the driver
hands over.

Craig reads them.

Craig(reading the bumper stickers)


"Jesus is coming look busy"

"gas, grass or ass no one rides from free"

"learn from ur parents, practice safe sex"

"beat rush hour , leave work at noon"

"I want be like Barbie that bitch has everything"

mike
last time , I saw a bumper sticker it said “somewhere in
Texas village is missing it's idiot".

Cab driver
that is funny but I hate it because I love Bush. I am a
republican. (Imitates George bush a little bit)

Cab driver
My favorite is "I brake for hallucinations".

Mike and Craig remain silent.

After driving around in the cab for some more time.

Craig looks at the meter and sees it says 100 bucks.

Craig
what the heck, we have just driven around for 45 mins and it
already says 100 bucks.
Mike
100 bucks, I can’t pay that.
MIKE
This is when I wish all the things I read in the novels or
saw on TV were true I think the novels, TV, the media in
general has betrayed us.

CRAIG
What are u talking about?

MIKE...
According to this novel "cheaper gas in the 21th century"
, we are supposed to have cheaper alternative to gas by this
time but it is the other way round ,the gas prices are
increasing daily. Do u see any cheaper alternative to gas
lately. The novels, the TV they all lied to us man.

CRAIG
hmmmm,I don’t believe those novels.

MIKE
hey,let us say if they find a alternative, I mean cheaper
gas ,what would u trade in if that guy comes up to u
and says I am willing to trade the secret to you CRAIG. But
there is a catch.

CRAIG
But why is he trading it to me.

MIKE
What,is it some Hitchcock movie or Sherlock Holmes novel
the guy has offered it, just take it man and make millions
man.

CRAIG
but what is the catch?

MIKE
u got to take 1000 lashes from a whip.

CRAIG
No I can’t do that.

MIKE
Dude, with all that money u will be cured in no time.

CRAIG
Ok,I will do it,it is lot of money.

MIKE ..
After that he will suck ur privates... and doodle ur balls...
CRAIG
No I can’t do that, I don’t want to be molested. What is this guy some sort
of psycho from Russia.
Mike

Looks like it.

Craig
I don’t want to tortured and molested by some gay guy from
Russia.
MIKE
It is because of guys like u man, what is wrong with this
country. Never want to do good for the country. The
guy is offering a formula of cheaper gas to u and u can
be the man who solved the little dependency we have on
middle east ..We can totally get rid of that dependency
but instead because of guys like u man. We need our gas
to come from middle east ,Saudi Arabia. because of u,we
are spiraling downwards .our economy is going down
.think of the larger interests of the country for once.
as JFK once said ,"ask not what your country can do for you
- ask what you can do for your country." come on man,take
one hit for the team.
CRAIG
Alright .ok ,i will do it.

MIKE (delivering the punch line)


So u will let some guy from Russia play with ur dick for
some free gas.i thought I knew u man.

Craig
Stop.

Mike still laughing

CRAIG
I am fucking pissed and bored man, there isn’t nothing to do in this
cab. When the heck would they bring in some entertainment
into cabs, everything has changed man in the last decade
except for this cabs.

Part II to be continued..

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