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Written by Philip Thompson

COLD OPEN FADE IN: 1 EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY David, man in late thirties wearing a suit is biking in the streets 2 INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY 9 writers in the room, including Alan, Claudia, Ronald, Steven, and Oliver ALAN, man in late twenties, of Spanish descent and wears a flannel and bow tie. He is on his phone. CLAUDIA, woman in late twenties, is wearing casual clothing. RONALD, man in late twenties, wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. He is black. Ronald is writing lyrics on paper, gets up and glares at Claudia, she notices, and he goes back to writing 3 DAVID TALKING HEAD DAVID So this is like a documentary for the DVD? What do I- I just talk? Okay... well I ride my bike to work every morning because it is healthy, economic, and helps the environment. The big three. My exwife actually took my car in the settlement, so its- its the big four. Well the big three and the smaller one. 4 INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY David enters the scene with his bike, sweaty DAVID Sorry Im late. You do know that you can start when Im not here, right? STEVEN Us? Work? Thats your job. 4 3 2 1


ALAN Ooooohhhhh! -- Nice one Steven! DAVID Hey, come on guys. STEVEN I mean come on, you are already asking for me to show up, you want me to work too? No thanks! DAVID You work here. You are supposed to work. Should I eveSTEVEN Shut up, just- Just shut up, okay? Am I right guys? Steven sees how uncomfortable everybody is, and begins laughing RONALD (Quiet) Correct me if Im wrong, but I dont think you could say that. Unless hes like- Hitler. Wait a minute... DAVID Can I speak to you? In my office? STEVEN Ill be outta here in 5 minutes. 5 INT. DAVIDS OFFICE - DAY David is seen yelling at STEVEN through the blinds 6 INT. WRITERS ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY ALAN What do you think is going to happen? Like I cant lose this job, like, I cant. OLIVER Am I guessing sexual tension between the two of them? Smiles eerily 6 5


CLAUDIA No. Wha- No- Is that even a question? OLIVER I dont know, is it? Steven and David come out of the office Steven collects his things and exits the scene RONALD Is he a fortune teller? Hes gone! OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE 7 INT. ALANS APARTMENT - DAY Riley, man in late twenties, with overgrown hair (not long hippie hair, just too lazy to cut.) and a small beard/overgrown peach fuzz is playing video games in an extremely messy apartment, wearing just underwear Alan enters the scene wearing velvet pajamas ALAN Dude, what the hell? RILEY I know what youre thinking! ... Alan is waiting for Riley to say something else, but he continues playing video games ALAN Are you gonnaRILEY Yeah in a sec... I am about to rape this prostitute. ALAN Dude look at this place! It smells like pot! Its a mess! I just cleaned it up last night after work! RILEY Oh was that me? Sorry, umm... Ill clean it up. ALAN (Going through the fridge) What happened to all of the food? RILEY Funny story actually... I got hungry. Oh and next time you go to the supermarket, can you... get Dijon please? ALAN You need to get a job dude, like, now. RILEY A job? Come on man, then Ill be a sellout!f 7


ALAN Sellout? RILEY Yeah... Id be like... working... and.... you know... serving the man... ALAN Keep talking. RILEY Wha? ALAN Dude come on, I just think that this would be like, beneficial for your stay in my apartment. RILEY Our. ALAN No, its our when you like, pay rent. Or bills. Oh heres an idea. My job has an opening! Some guy got fired yesterday! RILEY Wait... What do you do again? ALAN Im a writer for a sitcom. You know this. RILEY Right... Wait a minute... Right... Alan stares at Riley, puzzled, and looks into the camera. 8 INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY Ronald, Claudia, Oliver, and 4 other writers are sitting at the table Ronald is sitting next to Claudia, doing a hand trick RONALD Alright ready? CLAUDIA Yeah. 8


RONALD Put their hands together as if about to clap. CLAUDIA Okay. She follows. Ronald puts his hands around her hands. RONALD Now push against your hands as hard as you can. Ronald pushes his hands back together as hard as he can, and then stops pushing. RONALD (CONTD) Now you should feel a bubble through your hands. CLAUDIA Oh my god that is so cool how you could do that! RONALD Yeah... yeah I guess it is... Oliver looks at the two of them, and smiles eerily into the camera, and slowly nods his head 9 RONALD TALKING HEAD RONALD Do I like Claudia? Yeah, as a friend, yeah. Like, shes kind of like the light, in this abyss of my world right now, like after getting kicked out of comedy clubs for heckling to the audience, you know I hit rock bottom. 10 INT. COMEDY CLUB - FLASHBACK - NIGHT Ronald is doing standup comedy RONALD And so I was like-AUDIENCE MEMBER Hey get off the stage! 10 9


RONALD Look at this guy! Hey nice shirt. Did your mom pick it out for you? Huh? How long did it take her to iron, weirdo? This isnt a black tie event! CUT TO: Ronald is pacing around the stage, angry RONALD (CONTD) (Extremely emotional) I HATE ALL OF YOU! I HATE YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU! I HOPE EVERY ONE OF YOU DIE IN CAR ACCIDENTS! CUT TO: Ronald is sitting and rocking back and forth cross legged on stage, crying RONALD (CONTD) I dont even know who I am anymore.... It all started when I was six, and the kid across the street pushed me off the swings! I said stop, but he got on and started swinging! GET OFF THE SWINGS JOE! I TOLD YOU THOSE ARE MY SWINGS, JOE! MY SWINGS! (Breaks down crying) I hate myself! 11 RONALD TALKING HEAD RONALD Then I joined the show, and met Claudia, and its been great... And I just told my life story to a camera in under a minute. 12 INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY Alan and Riley enter the scene ALAN And this is where I like, write. RILEY Good, good, goo12 11


Riley and Claudia see each other Riley has a wide mouth and looks into the camera CLAUDIA Oh no. RILEY Oh yes. RONALD Shoot, I knew I shouldve went to the meeting last week. Im so out of sync. ALAN Like-- Whats going on here? RILEY We boned. CLAUDIA Oh my god... RILEY What? Honest Abe. RONALD I thought his name was Riley! What happened in that meeting? ALAN This is getting interesting. I need to get my popcorn on! Alan sits down, pulls out popcorn from under his seat, and smiles into the camera. 13 ALAN TALKING HEAD ALAN I have popcorn for like, every place. Under my desk, under my bed, you know, you never know when theres going to be a good story, a good movie, and like, its nice to have buttered popcorn along for the ride. 13



INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY ALAN (Eating popcorn) This is gun be good. OLIVER Yeah! Do you have any... stories? Of you and Claudia... Shagging? ALAN (Quiet) Who are you, Austin Powers? Oliver tries to grab some popcorn but Alan smacks his hand Riley sits down in Stevens old seat. This is now Rileys permanent seat. RILEY Oh yeah. I have stories. Stories where you will be like... Whaaaa? No! Wha? He then tenses up and gets nervous RILEY (CONTD) Wait no whats going on where am I? WHATS HAPPENING? Oh! Im in Alans writers room. Dont worry guys were all good. OLIVER Okay I dont know who your dealer is, but tell him to give me a call. RONALD Maybe we should get to work. CLAUDIA Yeah, I thinkALAN After the story. OLIVER Continue my good sir! Riley smiles into the camera




RILEY TALKING HEAD RILEY Is this what we get to do? All day? Every day? And we get paid! I love this job!



INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY David enters the scene with his bike, sweaty DAVID You guys ready to work? TEMP enters the scene TEMP David Berman? Were having actor problems again. DAVID Perfect, just what I need. David exits the scene RONALD Wait why would you need- Oh I get it. Riley nods his head



INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY David runs in DAVID Oh god, what is the problem this time? TEMP Hes not coming out of his dressing room. MICHAEL (O.S.) YOU NIGGER CUNT FAGS ARE GOING TO DIE! DAVID Michael relax... let me in. MICHAEL (O.S.) No!



DAVID Michael! MICHAEL (O.S.) I cant hear you! Lalalalalalalala! DAVID (While Michael is chattering) Michael. Michael. Give me 5 minutes. MICHAEL (O.S.) No! DAVID Michael I swear to god! MICHAEL (O.S.) Screw you! DAVID Okay fine. David walks away MICHAEL (O.S.) David? David? What the hell! Youre leaving me? DAVID? Michael opens the door David turns around and walks into 18 INT. MICHAELS DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY DAVID Michael, whats going on? MICHAEL Can you believe this? They want me to wear a dress in this scene! DAVID Hey, I think it will be funny. MICHAEL I dont do physical comedy! 19 MICHAEL TALKING HEAD 19 18

Michael Ford, early fifties, wearing sweater vest his butler picked out for him.


MICHAEL Yeah, I was famous for doing physical comedy in the 70s and 80s. But I got sick of being in the fame, so I left and found myself. I coasted off the islands of Belize, and lived with the Natives. Good people. But then money got tight and I came back to fame in my own TV show. But I can not deal with these people. In Belize, we had a saying. Babacoa Zu. Meaning: One does not walk in the light without shadow. I am starting to think now that maybe I was not in Belize. Where was I... 20 INT. MICHAELS DRESSING ROOM DAVID What? You dont do physical comedy? What are you talking about? MICHAEL I am physically over physical comeI am over physical comedy. I can do so much more. DAVID I see. MICHAEL I can make subtle jokes now. DAVID Right. The thing is, the network is really pushing for physical comedy, as it can reach such a wider audience, so that is what Im trying to go for. SoMICHAEL But Dave! Im smart! I went to a two-year college in Connecticut! They specialized in Birdhouse making! I can make birdhouses, Dave! Birdhouses! DAVID Right. So how about you wear the dress, and I can make subtle jokes. But please, stick to the script. 20


MICHAEL Thanks. You know, you are the only one in this dump that understands me. Why dont we hang out more? DAVID Because you hatMICHAEL We should hang out more. DAVID I would like that. 21 DAVID TALKING HEAD DAVID I would definitely not like to spend any more time with him than I should. Literally they are paying me to interact with this man. 22 INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY Riley is telling stories to the writers, Alan is eating popcorn, and Claudia and Ronald are shown to be very uncomfortable RILEY And so I said to Claudia: I will stick it anywhere, but not there! ALAN Ooohhhhh! OLIVER Oh snapple! ALAN (Quiet) Why do you have to ruin everything Oliver.... CLAUDIA Okay I think thats enoughALAN Nooo! Begins chanting 22 21


ALAN (CONTD) (Chanting) One more story! One more story! The other writers join in, in exception of Claudia and Ronald Claudia looks into the camera 23 CLAUDIA TALKING HEAD CLAUDIA Why did I date Riley? Well lets see, I was young... and.... Well... Yes I do realize that nothing I say will redeem myself from this fact from now on, so just bear with me. I had a weird phase in my life where I would smoke pot, and I dyed my hair, and wore all black, and so what goes with all of that? A stoner boyfriend. Eventually my brother died, and I got rid of all of that and moved to New York to become a comedian. It hasnt exactly worked like I wanted it to... but umm... I think I am realizing that I need to be assertive... 24 INT. WRITERS ROOM - NIGHT The writers are packing up and leaving the room ALAN Good work today guys! RONALD Yeah.... Good work...... RILEY And tomorrow well get to the good stuff! RONALD Oh no. ALAN Hell yeah! 25 ALAN TALKING HEAD Everybody else is packing up and leaving in the background 25 24 23


ALAN I am really liking Riley now. Hanging out with him today has made life great. And I should know, because I went through two bowls of popcorn today. It was a good day. Like when Luke Skywalker destroyed the death star-- never mind. (To everybody else) Wait up guys! Alan exits the scene ACT TWO 26 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY Michael is walking through the studio, with a smile on his face MICHAEL What a wonderful day. Michael walks past an overweight man MICHAEL (CONTD) Whoa! Who ate this guy? Am I right? You fat! (Laughing) Classic. Michael walks past RONALD RONALD Hey Mr. Ford. You ready for the show? MICHAEL Yeah, not unless you steal it first! RONALD What? MICHAEL In the hood. With your hood gangs. 27 MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL See? Subtle. 27 26



INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE MICHAEL Never mind, you ruined my perfectly good joke. RONALD Should I be offended? MICHAEL Just go.


Ronald and Michael keep moving along in opposite directions Michael walks past Claudia Michael whistles MICHAEL (CONTD) (Singing) I like big butts and I can not lie! Claudia looks into the camera, MICHAEL smiles into the camera David walks by MICHAEL (CONTD) David! My man! DAVID Hey Michael. Good day today? MICHAEL Good day, good day. DAVID Hows it going? MICHAEL Fine. Michael pulls keys out of his pocket and gives them to David MICHAEL (CONTD) Oh and I heard about your wife taking the car after the divorce. Brutal. Well I bought you a car. For your good service here. DAVID What? No, I cant accept thisMICHAEL Take it. It came from the good of my heart.


David smiles 29 DAVID TALKING HEAD DAVID I think the talk that I had with him really changed him. I think I have some reason for living now. Well I have my son... (Sighs) 30 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY DAVID Oh my god thank you! MICHAEL No problem. Because were friends. DAVID Right. Friends. They shake hands 31 DAVID TALKING HEAD DAVID For the first time in my life, things actually are working out for me. Somethings wrong. 32 INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY 32 31 30 29

Alan, Claudia, Ronald, Riley, Oliver, and 4 other writers are at the table ALAN Did anybody watch Rick and Morty last night? RONALD Dude I love that show! CLAUDIA Isnt that the Adult Swim show? Is that any good? RONALD Its great. Unless you hate it. Because then I hate it, or-(MORE)


RONALD (CONT'D) (Sees snack table) Is that a new microwave? Ronald gets up and starts playing with the microwave David enters the scene Ronald sits back down DAVID Hey guys! RILEY Hi. DAVID Oh you must be the new guy! Hi I am David Berman. RILEY Riley... Riley.... Rileys eyes widen and looks into the camera 33 RILEY TALKING HEAD RILEY Whats my last name? He laughs, and eventually falls asleep 34 INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY DAVID Well work on it. RILEY Thank you! DAVID I like you. I like you alot. I like you so much that you know what you are promoted to my #2! ALAN What? David! Ive wanted that job for years! DAVID Well I think that Riley has the ingenuity and integrity that this show needs. You gave me his application, right? 34 33


ALAN Yes... DAVID (Pulling out application) This says that he is a practical joker, has not had a single job in all of his life, smoked enough marijuana to get himself kicked out of Harvard, and did comedy improv while being homeless because he thought that, and I quote You spend money to make money, and I am spending all of it. Riley laughs and nods RILEY Classic Riley. RONALD Wait a minute... CLAUDIA What brings you in a good mood? DAVID How about you take a look at this. David slides his new keys across the table CLAUDIA You got a new car? DAVID Ask Michael Ford. ALAN Michael Ford got you a new car? He wouldnt even help fund my new clothing line-Looks at the camera ALAN (CONTD) #AlanStyle! CLAUDIA Oh my god...



ALAN TALKING HEAD ALAN #AlanStyle was a clothing line I came up with while getting ready for Comic-Con. I was trying to be Matt Smith, but then I was like, wait, if I put a little bit of pizazz on it and boom. #AlanStyle. Wait no I didnt mean Comic-Con. I meant...



INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY RONALD Well while Michael was giving out complementary cars, he was being racist! I think. The hood is black, right? CLAUDIA Yeah and he was also being sexist. DAVID What? I thought we talked about this... I have to go talk to him. You guys can start writing without me. RILEY Wait a minute... I get paid more... to sit around and tell Claudia stories? Alan, why didnt you tell me about this sooner? OLIVER Oh yes, back to the stories! Alan, popcorn? ALAN You dont get any popcorn, Oliver! RILEY Okay, well this one time, I was sitting with Claudia, and (adlibbing) Ronald gets up and exits, and Alan notices



INT. STUDIO - DAY Michael is wearing a dress on a fake TV show set



David enters the scene MICHAEL Hey D-Man! DAVID What the hell? Ive heard some complaints that you were harassing people? I thought we had a talk, you cant do these sort of things! MICHAEL Come on David, its us! We always have our antics! DAVID What antics? MICHAEL You know. DAVID I really dont. 38 DAVID TALKING HEAD David shrugs 39 MICHAEL TALKING HEAD Michael nods his head and smiles 40 INT. STUDIO - DAY DAVID Just behave. Okay? MICHAEL Well see. DAVID Okay. Wait- ugh. David exits the scene 41 INT. WRITERS ROOM - AFTERNOON 41 40 39 38

Riley is telling stories, Oliver and the 4 other writers are listening, Claudia is uncomfortable, and Alan is distracted


ALAN Hey where did Ronald go? CLAUDIA I dont know. Im going to find him. Claudia gets up and exits ALAN Yeah Im going to go too! OLIVER Well I guess more stories for me! Continue RileyRILEY Shut up Oliver. Riley gets up and puts his stuff in his new office, which is next to Davids, and lights a joint 42 INT. STUDIO - DAY Michael is in a dress on a fake TV show set, David is watching the show DIRECTOR Okay, action! MICHAEL (Reading from script) Wearing this dress will help me get a loan! Boobies! (Looks up) Hey this isnt subtle! Not subtle at all! David we had an agreement! DAVID Just stick to the script Michael. MICHAEL No! No I am not! I am not sticking to the script! I am not! No! No No no! DAVID Michael. Please. Michael repeatedly looks at the script and at DAVID 42


Michael screams on the top of his lungs and begins screaming extremely racist, sexist, and inappropriate words that will censored, while going around and disrupting production such as throwing chairs and breaking cameras Michael sees what he has done, and runs out of the studio David looks at his watch DAVID (CONTD) 9:00 on a Tuesday. ACT THREE 43 INT. WRITERS ROOM HALLWAY - AFTERNOON Claudia and Alan enter, looking for Ronald CLAUDIA Ron? ALAN You know what, Ill find him. CLAUDIA You sure? ALAN Yeah. CLAUDIA Okay. 44 EXT. ROOF - NIGHT 44 43

Ronald is sitting on the top of the building in a lawn chair with a sparkler Alan enters the scene ALAN Hey. RONALD Hey Alan... How did you know I was here? ALAN Ive seen you go up here before. RONALD Oh. Here, I have another chair.


Alan pulls up another chair and sits down ALAN So you like her? RONALD I think so. ALAN Are you going to ask heRONALD I dont know. I dont think she likes me back. ALAN Do you know? They sit in silence ALAN (CONTD) Hey who would you rather have as a pilot, Captain Kirk, or Captain Picard? RONALD (Very quickly, as if he knew the answer by heart) Picard. ALAN Really? Id say Kirk. RONALD Why werent we friends before? Alan shrugs ALAN Hey Ill try to talk to Riley. RONALD Id rather you not. ALAN Its fine. RONALD Why exactly are you and Riley roommates?


ALAN We were roommates in Harvard. Even though he smoked his way through high school, his parents were rich, so he got in. He didnt go to any classes, and eventually he got kicked out in junior year. They begin laughing RONALD Really? ALAN Yeah. I have no idea what he did after that, but last year he moved into my apartment because his parents cut him off. Hes not a jerk. Hes just misunderstood. RONALD Yeah. I get it. Man if my family was rich... Hey what would you do with a million dollars? ALAN Move to LA and party with Kim and Kanye. And then spend the rest on comic books. What about you? RONALD Pay somebody to turn my skin into like sweet dough. And then Id just eat myself. ALAN Of course you would eat yourself. What else is there to life? RONALD Really nothing. 45 RONALD TALKING HEAD RONALD Alans cool. Wait... am I sure that we were talking about the same girl in the beginning...? Turns around and runs to Alan RONALD (CONTD) Alan! Alan! 45



INT. WRITERS ROOM - NIGHT David enters DAVID Okay guys, were having some problems butDavid sees that Ronald and Alan are gone, Riley is in his office, and alot of the writers went home DAVID (CONTD) Where is everybody? CLAUDIA Alot of people left. DAVID Okay you know what? Im done. Im done with this crap. Im not coming back to this dumb job. CLAUDIA What? Why? DAVID Nobody wants to work, and I am tired of pushing people to work. If they arent going to, well thats fine by me. David grabs his coat and his bike DAVID (CONTD) Dont forget to lock the door on your way out. I am going to go drop off these keys to Michael. CLAUDIA Goodbye David! DAVID See ya. David bikes off of the scene



INT. RILEYS OFFICE - NIGHT Riley is playing guitar



RILEY (Singing) I like hot ladies/I like them alot/ I like them more than cookies Claudia enters the room CLAUDIA Hey youre a jerk, you know that? RILEY Wha? CLAUDIA You didnt have to say all that stuff about me. Now everybody knows about my sex life. Oliver winks in the background RILEY Okay, fine Im sorry. Its just that, I dont know. It was my first couple days here, and I wanted everybody to like me. CLAUDIA Well it sure did help. RILEY But I did it in the wrong way. Im sorry. CLAUDIA Thank you. RILEY I hope we can be friends. CLAUDIA (Closing the door) Dont count on it. 48 RILEY TALKING HEAD RILEY Nailed it. 49 INT. MICHAELS DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT Michael is sitting on his couch with a bottle of scotch David enters the room 49 48


MICHAEL Im a failure David. DAVID What? A failure? No youre not? And Anyways, Im just here to drop off these keys, I dont want them. Im leaving. MICHAEL Did you see what I just did? DAVID Yea-MICHAEL I destroyed the set, David. I destroyed the set. DAVID I saw. MICHAEL It just pisses me off, you know? DAVID What does? MICHAEL Its just that I have to act this way. I have to be difficult to work with. If I dont, Ill be the whipping boy. Nobody will pay attention to me. DAVID Nobody paying attention to you? Michael, in all due respect, I am the showrunner of a comedy show. Nobody cares. When people watch it, nobody will care about David Berman. They will think Wow, Michael Ford is such a great actor. Its not worth it. MICHAEL Yeah I thought the same way too. When I was big in the 70s, I would get women to sleep with me within the blink of an eye. DAVID Well it was the 70s...


MICHAEL Dont make shots at the 70s, kid. You had to be there to get it. DAVID Yeah. MICHAEL But you know what? A failure every once in a while is okay. It builds character. DAVID Yeah okay. Well Im on my way. Goodbye MichMICHAEL You know Ive been divorced 4 times, Dave? 4 times. I am the master of quitting. I even quit on my career. DAVID So Ive heard. MICHAEL These halls, these rooms, this is a special place, David. The one place I dont want to quit. Dont give up on your writers David, because right now, they need you more than ever. They may not know it yet, but they do need you. Scotch? DAVID I dont drink. And also, See you in hell, Michael! David exits the scene Michael pours himself a drink MICHAEL To death. 50 EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT David is biking away from his troubles He then stops and looks back DAVID Am I doing the right thing? 50


He thinks for a second DAVID (CONTD) Yup. David continues biking DAVID (CONTD) (Turning around) Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. 51 INT. WRITERS ROOM - NIGHT David enters the scene, and everybody is sitting down and writing together. DAVID Hey guys. CLAUDIA Hey David, I thought you leftDAVID Well Im back now. Riley? Riley? CLAUDIA Hes smoking weed in his office. DAVID Riley! Riley comes out of his office, high. DAVID (CONTD) Go get Michael. RILEY Riiight... Wait wha? DAVID Go get Michael. RILEY Cool.... Riley stumbles off of the scene Ronald and Alan enter the scene ALAN Hey David. 51


DAVID Hey guys... where were you? ALAN Were were we, Ron? Ronald stares deeply at Alan and David 52 RONALD TALKING HEAD 52

Ronald is pacing around the room, extremely angry and yelling RONALD ALAN KNOWS I DONT DO GOOD UNDER PRESSURE! ALAN KNOWS!!! 53 INT. WRITERS ROOM - NIGHT ALAN We were... finding inspiration for our next episode. DAVID Right. Just sit down. Alan and Ronald sit down Riley drags Michael in MICHAEL What the hell is going on here? RILEY Dude... I dont even know.... MICHAEL Whats wrong with this guy? He notices Rileys scent, then smiles and nods DAVID Both of you sit down. They sit down, Michael sits down in the empty seat next to the seat Riley always sits at. This empty seat is now Michaels permanent seat. CLAUDIA Whats the deal, David? RONALD Who died? 53


Ronald begins to weep RONALD (CONTD) Dont tell me. Okay tell me. Wait dont. DAVID Nobodys dead! RILEY Hey man... you never know... MICHAEL I like this new guy. CLAUDIA He gets old. Fast. Everybody agrees RONALD Were talking about Riley, right? RILEY Wait... You are? ALAN No. RILEY Oh... okay. RONALD So are we sure nobodys dead, because-DAVID EVERYONE PLEASE! I called all of you together for a reason. We all do work, yes, but we dont work together. We dont work as a team. Builders build skyscrapers together. They dont do it alone, for if they did, nothing would get done. When N Sync broke up and JC Chasez tried to have a solo career, it failed. Do you know why it failed? Because being together is better alone. CLAUDIA Umm David? How cliched is this going to get?


ALAN Yeah, and Justin Timberlake is a massive hit so that last argument is invalid! Everyone agrees RONALD I met Justin Timberlake once. Wait never mind. DAVID Ronald. You need to learn how to grow up and take things like a man. You made some mistakes, but you must go with it. You arent a teenager anymore, its time to mature. Riley, you need to do some maturing too. But you know what, you have promise. Thats why I promoted you on your first day, its why I even considered hiring you. You have potential, just get off the pot and get work done. Just like Michael. You need to learn how to go with other peoples decisions, even if you dont exactly agree with it. Sometimes you have to go with other peoples intentions. Learn how to quiet down. Unlike you Claudia, because you need to learn how to speak your mind. If you stay silent and go with everything without saying anything, I guarantee that you will wake up twenty years from now and think, what the hell have I been doing? And finally, Alan. Dont hide who you are. If people dont like the real you, then screw em. They arent worth your time, they arent worth anyones time. We are all small, broken pieces of a large puzzle, but together, we make a masterpiece. Now we all need to work together as a team to make a great show. That is why I want Michael here, whenever he is not filming, he is here, with the writers. MICHAEL I never agreed to this!


DAVID I dont care. Thats the rule. We are a team, and need to start acting like that. Ronald begins to cry again RONALD Here comes the waterworks... you son of a gun David you did it again... CLAUDIA (having sympathy) Ron! DAVID Now lets go put on a good show. The writers cheer and exit the scene 54 DAVID TALKING HEAD David stares into the camera for a couple seconds DAVID This should keep everyone contained for... a week? Tops? 55 INT. STUDIO - NIGHT ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Give it up for your star, Michael Ford! Michael gets on stage and starts ad-libbing David joins Alan, Ronald, Claudia, and Riley in the audience DAVID This is going to be a hell of a show. RILEY Yeah I didnt write anything for this week. But I did tell cool stories. DAVID We can write them in for next week. 55 54


CLAUDIA Or we dont. Id be fine with the latter. RONALD Yeah I second Claudias decision. Alan and Ronald give each other a nod DAVID (V.O.) In the end things may have worked out. Im not sure. But we have to go through this for a whole season. We have time to grow, to change, to develop, over the course of this season.-While David is giving the V.O., Ronald is laughing with Claudia, and David is watching his writers watch the show 56 DAVID TALKING HEAD DAVID (Continuing from the V.O.) This is only the beginning. 56


TAG 57 EXT. ROOF - NIGHT Ronald and Alan are eating cookies on lawnchairs ALAN Good cookies. RONALD Thanks. Chocolate chip. ALAN Really? I cant taste it. RONALD What, are you a dog? ALAN Dogs cant taste chocolate? RONALD Those poor dogs. ALAN Wait a minute. RONALD Whats up? ALAN I think dogs die. RONALD WHAT? ALAN Yeah I think when they eat chocolate, they die. RONALD (Packing up his stuff and getting ready leave) JESUS CHRIST I HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY GRANDMAS HOUSE! ALAN What, why? RONALD THE DOG IS DEAD, ALAN! THE DOG IS DEAD! 57


Ronald runs out and runs downstairs ALAN Good cookies though. END OF SCRIPT

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