CLASSIC CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS 1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls people who are not afflicted with any church. 3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 4. Evening massage – 6 p.m. 5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 7. Low self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. 8. Ushers will eat late comers. 9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 10.For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 11.The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 12.The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.” 13.During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 14.Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.” 15.Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 16.Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All” 17. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 18.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 19.The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 20.The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 21.22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord knows Why. 22.A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23.Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir. 24.Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?” Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! An awful voice is sounding” 25.On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD, Dr. Hargreaves is better. 26.Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. 27.The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will hell May 10 and 11. 28.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 29.[Don’t know what happened to this] 30.Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help. 31.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 32.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 33.Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 34.Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put me in my Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor. 35.Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. 36.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 37.The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 38.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 39.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 40.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 41.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our Choir practice. 42.Weight watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 43.8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 44.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 45.The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 46.Please join us as we show our support of Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. 47.The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

THE DRUNK PRIEST A young man was just hired as a priest for a church. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor: Next time, sip rather than gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples not 10. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass. We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C and the boys." Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T." The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!" Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the Cherry.

PROBLEMS? Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; Just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in. Should you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege. Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for the last three months. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return. Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in some third world country, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family. Should your car break down, leaving assistance; Think of the paraplegic opportunity to take that walk. you who miles would away from love the

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering; what is life all about, what is my purpose? Be thankful, there are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity. Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!! Should you feel depressed because of your weight; Remember, there is no cure for AIDS. Should you decide to send this to a friend; You might brighten someone's day! 

A BIBLE FUNNY Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less. Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement." Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? A. They were really put out. Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories? A. They used floodlights.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep. Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise? A. Turn right and go straight. Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor? A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me." Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's's court. Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible? A. It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing? A. He only had two worms! Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark? A. Because Noah sat on the deck. him with a

TIPS FOR TODAY Mend a quarrel Seek out a forgotten friend Give a soft answer Encourage a young person Keep a promise Find the time . . . to read the BIBLE . . . Listen Learn to apologize Forgive a wrong Laugh a lot, Laugh Give someone a big smile At the end of the day-thank the LORD...

40 VALUABLE LESSONS 1. Relationships don't end, they change. 2. You CAN make a living doing what you love. 3. Never spend all the money you have. Save money and it saves you. 4. In bad times everyone can't help you and in good times everyone isn't happy for you. Learn how to discern and develop true friends. 5. Don't make promises to your children you can't keep. 6. God is always listening, be careful with your inner self-talk. 7. People and creditors have long memories. 8. The past has passed, let go of the pain, nostalgia, woulda, coulda, they shoulda 9. Practice everyday saying and/or doing something that is loving, helpful and purposeful. 10.Being too dependent on others doesn't allow you to know your own power to create what you need. 11.I am too blessed to be stressed, don't sweat the small stuff 12.Most people are not bad or mad, they are just sad and don't know how to get the love and attention they deserve. 13.Everything you say and think has power to create it's likeness. 14.Fear and procrastination are major enemies to success 15.God loves me 16.Don't ignore or mistreat people, everyone is important 17.Don't give up 5 minutes before your miracle 18.Good health is so valuable, fragile and a blessing. Drink a lot of water. 19.Don't take everything so serious, have a sense of humor. 20.People like to help or do business with people they already know, networking is critical. Meet and serve as many people as you can. 21.You didn't die from your mistakes, but you may have to repeat them, if you didn't learn the lesson. 22.We train other people how to treat us, self-esteem is NOT selfish, it's necessary. 23.Stay away from negative, critical, judgmental, gossipy people. 24.Spend as much time as possible around nature and beautiful environments. 25.Some things you can't learn in a book or from a parent, teacher or pastor, you have to experience it for yourself. 26.Acknowledge your shortcomings and work to improve them. Acknowledge your strengths, be humble but don't diminish or deny them. 27.Stay focused to get a job done. Either do it, delegate it or dump it. 28.I didn't die from the painful times in my life, they made me stronger.

29.Don't let a fool kiss you. Don't let a kiss fool you. Kisses aren't promises. 30.Have a life, don't depend on others to make you happy and fulfilled. 31.Know that Jesus loves you. 32.Marriage and parenting are serious commitments, don't be in a hurry. 33.Find ways to show appreciation to those you love and care about, not just on holidays or birthdays. 34.Pay attention to details and keep good records. 35.Prayer changes things. Trust God's divine plan. 36.If you take it, return it. If you break it, fix it. If you know it, live it. If you want it, ask for it. If you use it, clean it. If you wear it, hang it up. If you made a mistake, take responsibility for it. If you have some, share it. If you own it, protect it. If you love someone, show it. If you believe it, you can achieve it. 37.Time is precious, live everyday to it's fullest, everyday is a special occasion. 38.Learn to enjoy your own solitude. 39.People come into your life for a reason or a season. They bring joy and lessons. 40.Always stay in the light in spite of any bad news or changes. This positive attitude will help you stay in peace rather than fall to pieces.

DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE 1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence). 2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an Institution for the blind. 3. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. 4. Marriage is an institution in which man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets the Masters. 5. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of rings: a. the engagement ring b. the wedding ring c. the suffe - ring d. the endu - ring 6. Marriage certificate is just another word for work permit. 7. Married life is full of excitement and frustrations: - In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. - In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens. - In the third year of marriage, both speak and the neighbors listen. 8. They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self defense. 9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! 10. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. 11.It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. 12.There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later, he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

ROMANCE VS. LOVE Romance is flattering attention . . . Love is genuine thoughtfulness. Romance is suspense, anticipation, surprise . . . Love is dependability. Romance is tingling, excitement . . . Love is tenderness, constance, being cherished. Romance is delicious . . . Love nourishes. Romance can’t last . . . Love can’t help it. Romance is seeking perfection . . . Love is forgiving faults. Romance is fleeting . . . Love is long. Romance is the anguish of waiting for the phone to ring to bring you a voice that will utter endearments . . . Love is the anguish of waiting for a call that will assure you someone else is happy and safe. Romance is eager, striving always to appear attractive to each other . . . Love is two people who find beauty in each other no matter how they look. Romance is dancing in the moonlight, gazing deep into desired eyes across a candlelit table . . . Love is saying “You’re tired, honey, I’ll get up this time,” and stumbling through the darkness to warm a bottle or to comfort a frightened child.

HOW TRUE! There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs. –age 48 2. Goldfish don’t like Jell-O ---age 5 3. The best tranquilizer is a clear conscience ---age 76 4. One loss doesn’t make a season ---age 52 5. Children and grandparents are natural allies ---age 46 6. When people aim for what they want out of life, most aim too low. ---age 76 7. Deciding whom you marry is the most important decision you’ll ever make. ---age 95 8. Expensive silk ties are the only ones that attract spaghetti sauce. ---age 44 9. Couples without children always know just how you should raise yours. ---age 29 10. You can let bad times make you bitter – or better. ---age 75 11.There are four ages of man: a. When you believe in Santa Claus b. When you don’t believe in Santa Claus c. When you are Santa Claus d. When you look like Santa Claus. ---age 51 12. You can’t hide broccoli in your glass of milk. ---age 7 13. You can love four girls at the same time. ---age 9 14. Happiness is like perfume: you can’t give it away without getting a little on yourself. ---age 59 15. The time to read instructions is before you put the swing set together. ---age 32 16. A mule dressed in a tuxedo is still a mule. ---age 80 17. Money is a lousy means of keeping score. ---age 71 18. If I’m in trouble at school, I’m in more trouble at home. --age 11 19. Hotel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.--- age 50 20. You can’t hug your kids too much. ---age 54
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“DO UNTO OTHERS . . .” 1. To have a friend, you must be a friend, starting with yourself. 2. The greatest hunger a person has is to be needed. Help create that feeling in others. 3. The greatest virtue is kindness. You can’t love everyone, but you can be kind to everyone. 4. Don’t try to impress others. Let them have the fun of impressing you. 5. Be enthusiastic. Nothing of consequence was ever achieved without enthusiasm. 6. Be positive. Positive people attract others, while negative people repel. 7. You have greater impact on others by the way you listen than by the way you talk. 8. Gossip cheapens the one who gossips more than the one gossiped about. 9. Call a person by his or her name and use it often in conversation. 10.Communicate cheerfulness. 11.Differences are bound to occur and can be resolved if conflict is managed in a polite manner. 12.If you are given to making fun of someone, be sure it is of yourself. 13.Be genuinely interested in others. Get them to talk about themselves. 14.A smile doesn’t cost anything and pays big dividends. Not only does it make you feel good, but it makes everyone else feel better too. 15.Be the first to say, “Hello! Good to see you.” 16.“Do unto others as you would have them do to unto you.” The golden rule is where it all begins and ends.