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PADDY’S PUB - DAY Charlie and Mac are sitting at the bar flipping through a Sharper Image catalog. Dee is cleaning glasses. CHARLIE I need these! MAC Why do you need 500x zoom binoculars? CHARLIE I could see all the way to Pittsburgh with these things. MAC That’s not right. CHARLIE You don’t know that for sure. DEE You two are morons. MAC How much are they? $450. CHARLIE
MAC That’s bullshit. Mac grabs the catalog and flips through the pages. MAC (CONT’D) We can’t afford one thing in this entire catalog. CHARLIE We’re poor dude.
2. MAC Why do you even have this? CHARLIE I stole it from the doctor’s office. DEE Why were you at the doctor? CHARLIE That’s where I get all my magazines. Dennis walks in. MAC We need money Dennis. We’ve hit rock bottom. DENNIS Well don’t look at me, I’m not giving you shit. MAC What about Frank? DENNIS Frank already lives with you, I think that’s enough. CHARLIE I’m a good roommate! Some of the guys under the bridge are definitely worse than me. DENNIS That’s your problem. Your competition is a bunch of guys hanging out underneath a bridge. Frank barges in. FRANK I need money! Oh, shit. I need some money! Empty your wallets. DENNIS You too? You’re all pathetic.
3. FRANK I got hammered and huffed too much with some of the guys and we went to the track. I made too many bets and I’m down a couple thousand. MAC Why would you go to the track? You know shit about horse racing. Dogs. Dogs? FRANK MAC
FRANK Dog racing. I would’ve lost more, but one of the dogs died and they had to stop the races. MAC Charlie, why don’t we make some riot punch and hit the track? We can win some money for this shit we need. Mac pulls out some colored liquids. CHARLIE That’s a great idea! DEE Those poor, mistreated dogs. And all you guys want to do is profit off them, well I’m going to put an end to it. DENNIS Dee, stop trying to interject your stupid morality crap into everything we do. Secondly, you two are morons. You know nothing about winning. MAC I’m a born winner! DENNIS You’ve never won anything! I guarantee I could go to the track and win triple as much as you shitbrains.
4. FRANK I’m done with that stuff. I need to find some legitimate money. What about you Deandra? DEE I’m not helping you out, and you should be ashamed of... MAC (interrupting) That’s enough Dee. Are we doing this? DENNIS You shits are going down. MAC: Dogs! Dogs! Dogs! Dennis joins in. DENNIS (CONT’D) Dogs! Dogs! Dogs! CUT TO: MAIN TITLES Title: “It’s Always Sunny in Philiadelphia” Title: “A Day at the Races” CHARLIE:
5. ACT I INT. TRACK - NEXT DAY Charlie and Mac are scouting the track. CHARLIE There’s a lot of shady people here. MAC This is a dog racing track, not exactly the classiest of places. CHARLIE These are our people. MAC (offended) Don’t say that! We’re trying not to be these people. CHARLIE We are these people, but we’re trying to not be them, by being them? Mac is confused. MAC Enough with the head games. We’re on a mission. A drunk stumbles past. MAC (CONT’D) I know shit about dog racing dude. Let’s watch a few races. CHARLIE I’ll meet you at the seats, I’m going to grab some food. MAC Get me a pretzel. CHARLIE I’m not getting you a pretzel. MAC Why? I want a pretzel.
6. CHARLIE Then you’ll be thirsty and steal my drink! MAC That’s bullshit. I’ll scrape the salt off. CHARLIE I’m not getting you a pretzel! You’re getting a hotdog. He walks away. Mac heads to the seats and sits near some sketchy PEOPLE. MAC Someone sitting here? SHADY MAN Does it look like someone’s sitting there? MAC Just trying to be courteous. Show some class that you people clearly know nothing about. The gun sounds, startling Mac. MAC (CONT’D) Holy shit those dogs are fast. He observes all the people cheering and yelling at the dogs. MAC (CONT’D) This isn’t fun. This is cruel. Charlie returns with the food. He is eating a hot dog. CHARLIE I’m not sure if the dogs are used in these, but they’re delicious. Mac stares at him while Charlie takes another bite. MAC Dude this place isn’t fun. These dogs are being treated like crap. The crowd starts cheering. CHARLIE Holy shit, is Chief winning?
CHARLIE I put ten bucks on him. MAC Where’d you get ten dollars? And the dogs do not have names. CHARLIE Frank gives me like 50 bucks every month. MAC What is he your dad? CHARLIE No. Well sometimes we go to the movies together and buy one adult ticket and one child, but that’s to save money. MAC Sounds like he’s your dad. CHARLIE He’s not my dad! He just takes care of me. Mac looks at him and grabs the betting stub. MAC The odds say six to one. CHARLIE Six dollars, alright! We’re on our way. MAC Not six you idiot, sixty. CHARLIE I won sixty bucks! Charlie pulls the catalog from earlier out of his back pocket. MAC Why do you have that with you?
8. CHARLIE I’ve been game planning what I’m going to buy when we win all that money. MAC Let’s win first. CHARLIE We already did, and now I can get that massager for the waitress. MAC No gift on this planet will make the waitress like you. CHARLIE Don’t say that! It’s true! MAC
CHARLIE You think she’s going to say no when I give her all this stuff? MAC Yes. Now let’s go place more bets. They rush off. EXT. SHOPPING MALL - LATER Dee is holding a clipboard trying to recruit volunteers and raise money to protest dog racing and abuse. A man walks by. DEE Hey you! You want to donate money to a great cause? MAN What’s the cause? DEE Why does it matter? MAN Because I want to know who I’m giving my money to?
9. DEE Why is one cause better than another? MAN Look lady, it’s my money, I can do what I want with it. DEE So you don’t want to donate it to a good cause? MAN I don’t even know what the cause is! Frank approaches. He’s eating pork rinds. FRANK What’s going on here Deandra? DEE What are you doing here Frank? Are you going to give me money or not? No. He walks away. DEE Fine. Suit yourself you selfish bastard. FRANK The guys told me you were here. DEE Since when do you give a shit about charity? FRANK I want to help. What are we raising money for? DEE We? What’s your angle here Frank? FRANK No angle. It’s getting to the point in my life where I need to do stuff for other people. MAN
10. DEE You are getting old. Frank shrugs and eats some more pork rinds DEE (CONT’D) I’m raising money to save those dog’s lives. FRANK Dogs? Who gives a shit about animals? DEE Most people. FRANK That’s great. You want some? He offers some pork rinds. DEE That’s disgusting. FRANK So how much money you raking in? She examines her box. DEE So far, twelve dollars. FRANK What’s your take? DEE There is no take. It’s charity. FRANK Well it seems like you’re doing a shitty job. What’s twelve dollars going to do? DEE It’s a start. FRANK You need to take this big time. You’re at the poor people mall. A MALL PATRON overhears and looks at Frank.
11. FRANK (CONT’D) If you’re going to stare, give some money. Piss off. Dee looks around. DEE Maybe this isn’t the best place. FRANK Let me help you. We’ll raise ten times as much as the guys make at the track. DEE I would like to shove that in their faces. FRANK I’ve got a plan. Let’s go. DEE My guts telling me no, but my desire to crush them is telling me yes. They look at each other. FRANK: Crush them! DEE: MALL SHOPPER
INT. BOOK STORE - SAME DAY Dennis is reading a book about dog racing. He notices a pretty employee, OLIVIA. He begins awkwardly flexing while reading his book. DENNIS Excuse me miss. OLIVIA Yes, can I help you? DENNIS I need that book up there, but I can’t reach it. OLIVIA Oh, sure. Let me get the ladder.
12. DENNIS That would be delightful. She brings the ladder over and climbs up. Dennis admires her ass. She hands him the book. OLIVIA Dog racing? DENNIS I find the sport exhilarating. Did you know it used to be a sport reserved only for nobles and wealthy people. OLIVIA I did not. Isn’t it cruel? DENNIS No. The dogs are beautiful and pristine. OLIVIA What breed are they? Breed? DENNIS
He avoids the question. DENNIS (CONT’D) My name’s Dennis. What’s yours? OLIVIA Olivia. You know a lot about dog racing. DENNIS I consider myself a Renaissance man. I know a lot about a lot. You should join my friends and I tomorrow at the track. OLIVIA I’ve never been before. DENNIS Trust me, it’ll be fun. Plus my friends are having a little wager, so you can watch me beat them.
13. OLIVIA What’s the wager? DENNIS Oh, they want to prove they’re winners to me. But they’re idiots. She laughs. DENNIS (CONT’D) It’s fun. It’s social. We can get some drinks, watch some dogs, win some cash. OLIVIA Alright, that sounds fun. Pick me up tomorrow? Here’s my number. She hands him a piece of paper. Dennis is elated. DENNIS I’ll see you tomorrow. FADE OUT.
14. ACT TWO INT. PADDY’S PUB - LATER Frank and Dee are discussing their plans. FRANK If you want to raise the big bucks, you’re going to have to attract the big bucks. DEE That makes sense. FRANK Now what do rich people love more than anything? Money? DEE
FRANK I was thinking whores, but I like yours better. DEE This is charity Frank, so any plans you have involving hookers, drugs, or any of your bridge friends, needs to go. FRANK Well, then we need a new plan. DEE Frank! You said you’d help. I don’t know why I ever thought that would work. Mac and Charlie enter the bar all rowdy from their day at the track. CHARLIE And then Billy just bolted past the rest of them, and first we were like, oh shit, there goes Walter’s chance, but right before our eyes, we saw him become a champion. MAC Enough with the names. I don’t want to think of the dogs as people.
15. FRANK What’s going on guys? MAC Dog racing! That’s what. Frank you opened our eyes to a whole new world of fun and disgusting people. CHARLIE We cleaned up at the track. FRANK How much did you win? He pulls out a wad of cash and slams it on the bar. CHARLIE Like 900 bucks. Holy shit. FRANK
MAC Charlie may not have a lot going for him, but he has a connection with these dogs. He can just tell who’s going to win. CHARLIE The dogs are my people! Let’s drink! He starts opening some beer. FRANK Shit Charlie. We need to go back to the track. DEE What about me Frank? FRANK Your thing is crap. I need money now. I’m done with stealing. I want to earn my money legitimately. Stealing? DEE
16. FRANK We were gonna get some rich people, get them hammered, the whores come and take their pants off, and then we take their wallets while they’re banging. DEE How long did it take you to come up with that? FRANK It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while. DEE I’m not alone in thinking that that is the worst plan ever right? MAC I don’t know, I mean their pants are off and they’re going to be busy, it seems pretty full-proof. CHARLIE The only downside is if they’re not carrying their wallets with them. MAC Who doesn’t carry their wallet with them? I don’t. CHARLIE
MAC Well you have nothing to put in it! He picks up the cash. Now I do! CHARLIE
DEE What am I supposed to do now Frank? FRANK I don’t give a shit. Dennis walks in. Hey-o! DENNIS
17. CHARLIE Dennis in the house! Charlie tosses him a beer. CHARLIE: (CONT’D) Dennis! Dennis! Dennis! MAC:
DENNIS Now this is the love and admiration a golden god deserves. What are you guys so happy about? CHARLIE Check this out. He slams the stack of money on the bar again. DENNIS Where’d you steal that from? CHARLIE From the track. MAC We didn’t steal it. Charlie has a sixth sense. He has a connection with those dogs. CHARLIE The dogs are my people! DENNIS So you’ve moved from bridge people to dogs? That might be an upgrade. FRANK We’re going to the track tomorrow. Time to win back some money. DENNIS Tomorrow’s going to be great. I’ll beat you lowlifes in front of this hot chick I met at the bookstore. MAC Since when do you go to bookstores? DENNIS Unlike you guys, I know how to read. CHARLIE When do you ever read?
18. DENNIS There’s a lot you guys don’t know about me. I’m an endless onion, filled with layers. FRANK You’re full of shit, and you’re not going to beat the dog whisperer. DEE So, I’m doing this by myself now? DENNIS Why are you surprised? When do we ever give a shit about charity or anything you’re doing? DEE I don’t know. Maybe once you guys could step outside the little worlds you guys live in. DENNIS We’re obviously not going to do that. In fact, I never want to leave there. DEE What do you think about a kissing booth to raise money? MAC Well it obviously depends on who’s doing the kissing. DEE I’m doing the kissing. MAC Why would you do that? DEE Because people would pay to kiss this face. MAC No one would pay to kiss that face. DEE How much you want to bet? DENNIS Dee! No one is going to pay to kiss you. (MORE)
19. DENNIS (CONT'D) Mac’s already involved in one wager. Now go run along and stop annoying us. DEE I’ll show you pigs! She leaves the bar. FRANK Why don’t we up the stakes a little? DENNIS Who’s side are you even on Frank? You’re all over the place. First, you’re with the bridge people, then that whole Dee crap, now you’re back to the dogs. FRANK What do you mean? I’m with Charlie. He puts his arm around Charlie and pulls him close. FRANK (CONT’D) Charlie’s my boy. We’re roommates. Plus he’s the one who can talk to dogs. CHARLIE You smell like a farm. DENNIS So it’s you three against me? This seems like a joke. MAC What’s are we betting? DENNIS If you guys win, I’ll live in your shithole for a month, and you guys can live in my place. MAC I already live with you. DENNIS Well you’re living with them for the time being.
20. CHARLIE What! I don’t want to live with Mac! You’re always dancing and doing all this weird shit. MAC Dancing? Those are advanced Karate routines I’ve been honing for years. He demonstrates one of his routines. CHARLIE You know shit about Karate! MAC You live with Frank! He butters his bread and cuts his toes with the same god damn knife. DENNIS Girls. Girls. Are we doing this or not? CHARLIE Give us a second. They huddle to the side. CHARLIE (CONT’D) What do you guys think? FRANK We’re going to beat that cocky piece of shit. CHARLIE Are we actually gaining anything from this arrangement? I mean, we have it pretty good. Frank ponders in agreement. MAC You guys are morons. Him living in your place alone is worth it. There’s no way he’s going to bang anyone if he’s bringing them back to that place. FRANK We bang plenty of girls.
21. MAC When was the last time you banged a girl? FRANK Artemis comes over sometimes. CHARLIE Really? Really Frank? You said you guys were rehearsing for a play. FRANK I was lying. We were screwing each other. Dennis coughs. DENNIS It’s yes or no. Hurry up. CHARLIE Let’s do this. We’re in! MAC
DENNIS Excellent. We’ll have a day at the races. FADE OUT.
22. ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. TRACK - DAY Dee is sitting at the kissing booth. The sign reads “Kisses: $5” Two GUYS walk past. GUY #1 Five dollars? Who does she think she is? GUY #2 I wouldn’t kiss her if she paid me five dollars. Dee is embarrassed. DEE Kisses! Only five dollars! Kisses for a cause! People pass by ignoring her. DEE (CONT’D) Oh, come on! None of you guys have even been laid I bet. A mother pulls her child away in disgust. DEE (CONT’D) What? Why don’t you let him make his own decisions. Hey kid! Five dollars and you get a big ole kiss. The mother increases her pace. DEE (CONT’D) I’ll do three dollars for him. Frank, Charlie, and Mac walk up to the track. They run into Dee. MAC You actually went through with this? DEE Yes I did. Someone has to take a stand.
23. Charlie picks up the money box. DENNIS It looks like people are taking a stand against you. Dee grabs it back. DEE Just wait, I’ll have more money than all you bastards. FRANK Why don’t you stop this crap and come with us? DEE I’d rather sleep with one of the dogs. MAC Suit yourself. Let’s go do some scouting boys. They head off. INT. DOG TRACK - LATER Mac, Dennis, and Frank are sneaking around the track looking for the dogs. FRANK There they are. Charlie I need you to find some winners. CHARLIE I won’t let you down. He climbs a fence and approaches the dogs. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Don’t be scared, uncle Charlie’s here. He puts his hand on one of the dogs and begins talking to it. CHARLIE (CONT’D) You look like you’ve had a rough life. Roscoe is it? You divorced? Do dogs get divorced? I bet that was rough for you. (MORE)
24. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Turn to drugs, rebel against your parents, started racing around with your friends, up to no good. I’ve been there, I know what you’re going through. MAC Is he having a conversation with that dog? FRANK If he needs to bang that dog to find out, so be it. MAC What is wrong with you? FRANK He doesn’t have to wine and dine it, just in and out. MAC No, I don’t. Charlie let’s go before they toss us out. They scurry off. INT. TRACK - LATER The guys run into Dennis and Olivia. DENNIS Look who it is. Ready to lose? MAC Don’t worry about us Dennis, we’ve got Charlie. DENNIS I’d like you to meet Olivia. Hello. OLIVIA
CHARLIE Good luck banging him at our place. What? OLIVIA
DENNIS Nevermind him. Let’s place our bets.
25. They head to the furthest betting booths away from each other. CHARLIE I’ll put $50 on Roscoe in the first, $100 on Paco in the third, and another $50 on King Charles in the third. BETTING AGENT The dogs don’t have names mister. CHARLIE You sure? Because last time the guy just gave me some tickets after I said some names. BETTING AGENT Yes, I’m sure. Charlie’s flustered. He looks around. MAC What’s the hold up Charlie? CHARLIE The dogs don’t have names. I’m all thrown off. MAC Who gives a shit. CHARLIE That’s how I know who’s going to win! MAC Where the hell did you find the dogs’ names? CHARLIE I don’t know, maybe I made them up. MAC So you’re telling me, you based your picks on the dog’s names when they don’t freaking have names? CHARLIE Don’t worry dude, I got this.
26. FRANK Charlie, I need to pay back the bridge people or else they’re going to kick me out! CHARLIE No one’s kicking you out Frank. Dennis approaches from his booth holding a bunch of tickets. DENNIS Take a look at the winning tickets boys. I hope you guys don’t mind jarring each other with your dicks while you sleep in the same twin bed. He looks at Olivia all macho. MAC (passionate) You’re the one who’s going to have dicks jarring into them! They pause and think about what he said. CHARLIE Dude, you really need to think before you speak. MAC I’m working on it. I’m fired up! I’ve got a lot of riot punch flowing through me. FRANK Save it for the races. Let’s go. DENNIS
They head to their seats. EXT. TRACK Dee is slumped over her kissing booth. DEE (mumbled) Free kisses. Free kisses. Cricket approaches.
27. CRICKET Free kisses? Dee jolts up. DEE No. I said fifty kisses. He slams fifty dollars on the table. CRICKET That’s two months worth of sperm donations. DEE That’s gross. Anyone who gets your sperm should be immediately shipped out of the country. CRICKET Where’s my kiss? DEE I’m not kissing you. I’d rather kiss Charlie. CRICKET So you’re turning down money for charity? DEE Screw charity. I’m going to watch the dogs. She shoves past him. INT. TRACK - LATER Mac, Charlie, and Frank are slumped in their seats. Dennis is glowing, while Olivia holds him. DENNIS You losers couldn’t even pick one winner. That’s what happens when you rely on Charlie. FRANK I’m down even more money. Can we go back to the bar? I need to get blasted and bang something.
28. MAC Enough with you banging chicks. Artemis is not allowed over while I’m staying. DENNIS We’ve got one race left. Olivia is drunk and all over Dennis. OLIVIA Can we go home Dennis? DENNIS One more race, and then you check out my recently roommate vacated apartment. CHARLIE Guys we’re still in this! MAC Shut up Charlie. What happened to your dog whispering? CHARLIE These dogs don’t have names dude. I need the dogs with names. MAC (angered) None of the dogs have names! CHARLIE What kind of dog doesn’t have a name? All dogs have names. DENNIS You guys are freaking morons. I can’t wait to see you three sleeping in that shit hole. The starting gun goes off. MAC Who do we have in this one? FRANK Who gives a shit. Maybe one of those dogs will eat another one. That I’d pay to see.
29. CHARLIE We’ve got Raphael. I feel good about this one. MAC What number Charlie? Seven. CHARLIE
MAC Dude, he’s winning. How much did we put on this one? $500. What? CHARLIE MAC
CHARLIE I miscalculated our bets, so when the last race came around I had all this money left. MAC Why didn’t you just keep it? Well... CHARLIE
He starts to speak, but stops to think about it. FRANK Charlie! You’re a moron, but we can beat Dennis now. DENNIS That dog isn’t winning. Look at that thing. He’s got no stamina. I bet he’s never even been laid. MAC We could’ve bought those binoculars! CHARLIE Look, he’s winning. Go! Go! FRANK Go! Run you bastard! Run! Run! CHARLIE
30. Charlie’s dog is slightly ahead of Dennis’ dog. DENNIS Run faster you piece of shit! You’re losing to a bunch of lowlifes. We won! They start dancing. MAC In your face bitch! FRANK I can pay back the bridge guys! CHARLIE The waitress is mine! The P.A. Announcer starts speaking. They are still dancing. DENNIS Shut up guys! Shut up! I can’t hear what he’s saying. They quiet down. P.A. ANNOUNCER Infraction. Dog number seven interfered with another racer. The race winner is dog number five. Dee, who is in the section over, starts jumping up and screaming. She approaches the guys gloating. MAC What are you doing here? DEE The kissing booth blew away, so I decided to try my luck. I just won $1,000 bitches! What! MAC CHARLIE
FRANK That’s horse shit. That dog didn’t do anything.
31. DEE Doesn’t seem that way. Looks like me and Dennis are going to do a little shopping. DENNIS I will not be shopping or going anywhere with you Dee. In fact, I’m leaving now with Olivia and we’re going to bang on this large stack of money I’m about to claim. Looks like you guys will be having a nice little sleep-over. Mac, Charlie, and Frank questionably look at each other. CUT TO: INT. FRANK AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT The three guys are cramped in the small bed. Frank is belly up. MAC Get that out of my back! How hard is it for you to not touch me? CHARLIE Dude, I’m trying. You think I want to touch your gross body. I’m between you two fat asses. Mac is eating in bed. MAC It’s mass! Try and roll me out of bed. I’m like a boulder. Charlie shoves him off the bed. FADE OUT. END OF SHOW
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