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BOBS BURGERS The Immaculate Conniption written by Will Ayre

! ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - DAY Bob cleans the counter with a rag and spray bottle. Gene excitedly paces around him, while Teddy and Mort talk in the background. GENE Please please please please pleaseeee. BOB Gene! GENE Please! BOB No. GENE Please! Bob squirts Gene with water from the spray bottle. BOB I said no. GENE But I'll take care of it. BOB Why do you suddenly want a dog?


! GENE Because I've reached a stage where I think I've become a responsible adult, and what better way to prove it to the world than with a canine companion? BOB Gene, I saw you finger painting with ketchup yesterday. GENE I wasn't finger painting, I was making a condiment collage! BOB (SIGHS) I don't even know what that is. GENE Well, Jimmy Pesto Jr has a dog... BOB Really? Bob glares across the street and sees Jimmy Pesto walking an awkwardly long Weiner dog. GENE He brought it in for show and tell last week. that? How am I suppose to top


My fart tromboning, while

hilarious, isn't at dog level yet.

! BOB Gene, we have to buy day old buns. We cant afford a dog. Teddy takes a bit of his burger, coughs up dust. Teddy (MOUTH FULL) Still good Bobby. Teddy takes the buns off his burger and eats it with his bare hands. MORT Bob, I think I might have a solution. BOB To day old buns? MORT No, your pet problem. BOB I dont have a pet problem. MORT (IGNORING) When I was his age, I had a pet that cost almost nothing to keep.


FLASHBACK TO: INT. MORTS CHILDHOOD BEDROOM YEARS AGO A young ten year old Mort is seen from behind petting something. The camera reveals a disgusting rat wearing a red ribbon around it's neck.

! MORT (O.S.) Her name was Glinda. I could talk


to her about anything, she was a great listener... she went missing... CUT TO: INT. MORTS CHILDHOOD KITCHEN DAY IN THE PAST Morts mom, with her back to the camera, rolls flour on the counter. POV SHOT: Low to the ground, the mouse scampers towards her feet. She screams and stomps on the mouse. MORT I never found out what killed her. CUT TO: EXT. MORTS BACKYARD DAY IN THE PAST Young Mort, next to his mother, stands crying in a black suit. A shoebox coffin is lowered. Mort sprinkles some topsoil. Hes fighting back tears. MORT (O.S.) Glindas was my first funeral. cold lifeless little beady eyes still haunt me to this day... INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM BACK TO SCENE Bob stands frazzled. Gene stares at Mort for a second and then begins to anxiously hop from foot to foot. Those Until one day

! GENE Sooooo? BOB You had a rat? GENE I believe the preferred term is rodent. MORT They're just like people, better even. It's a shame they're so What they cost to



feed is nothing compared to what they give back in love. Mort tears up. MORT Im sorry Glinda... GENE Dad, can I have a rat? MORT It was a lovely service. . . GENE Pleaseeee. BOB Gene, you know we can't do that. Your Mom's allergic, and...


GENE Please please please please please. BOB (INFURIATED) Gene! BOB (RAPIDLY) Please! BOB We work in a restaurant! What would people say if there was a rat? Linda walks in. LINDA Did somebody say rat? Linda sneezes emphatically. BOB No, don't worry about it sweetheart. LINDA Yah know Bobby, I'm allergic to rats, well that and Chiquitas. Yah know the little itty bitty bananas. TEDDY Oh Linda I love those, and that

! TEDDY (CONTD.) catchy song!


Teddy makes his fork and knife dance like in a chorus line. LINDA (SINGING) Oh Im a Chiquita banana, and Ive come to say... Teddy is about to join in when Linda sneezes three times in rhythm to the song. BOB Lin! There are no tiny bananas or rats. I swear. LINDA (SNIFFLING) I don't know, I've been sneezing and sniffling an awful lot lately, somethings fishy. BOB Besides our new "Two tuna walk into a bar burger." TEDDY Bob you really ought to think about these names. . . LINDA Teddys got a point but deal with the rat problem first.

! BOB Theres no rat! GENE Dad, I don't need some fancy rat when a good ole dog will do. BOB Theres no rat! BOB Gene, go clean up the mess in your room. GENE Its a condiment collage! BOB Its a waste, and a mess. Go clean. GENE Ratatouille II. think about it! Gene moonwalks out of the room, spins and walks to the stairway. INT. BOBS BURGERS - STAIRWAY MOMENTS LATER Gene walks up the stairs. A rat is on the last step chewing on a half eaten French fry. GENE Lady luck, I owe you a buck. (JAZZHANDS) Just



! INT. BOBS BURGERS GENES ROOM LATER THAT NIGHT Tina, Gene, and Louise stand encircling the rat. TINA Why isn't it moving? LOUISE Maybe it's dead. GENE Its just fat. I know it's alive, our spirits have connected. Plus, it just peed in that corner a minute ago. Gene nods to his left and Tina reaches to pet the rat, but hesitates. TINA What's it's name? GENE Roberto. LOUISE That's a dumb name. Tina extends the back of her hand to the rat. It takes a sniff and rubs its back against her knuckles. TINA I don't know. She looks more like an Anne to me.


! GENE Robertos all man. TINA What do we do with her? LOUISE Ritualistic sacrifice. The rat tenses up. GENE No! I need him for show and tell tomorrow. TINA Its okay Annie. GENE You can sacrifice him after. TINA We can't kill her! She's from the diner like us, we're related by building. Annie moves closer to Tina. LOUISE Building schmilding, a sacrificial rat is a sacrificial rat. Let me


at it, we'll do a sance tonight. This rat may have been a communist

! LOUISE (CONTD.) revolutionary in a past life. We need to know! Louise pounds the ground and scares Annie. BEGIN MONTAGE: - The rat stands behind a podium on a stage dressed like Castro, with an oversized cigar. Chanting in the background is heard as the rat waves to his audience. GENE (O.S.) Or maybe he was the dynamic leader of an 80s hair band! - The rat in a leotard with long blond human hair. Hes head banging in front of a gigantic audience. He dives into the crowd and is carried away. TINA Maybe she helped people with disabilities. - The rat stands in an apron giving out food in a soup kitchen to other rats, in human clothing, that look like bums. End Montage. INT. BOBS BURGERS GENES ROOM BACK TO SCENE LOUISE He could have so much to teach us! TINA Like cooking?


! LOUISE Cooking of the capitalist system. Viva la Revolution! TINA What if Mom and Dad find him? guys are still on thin ice from the catastrophe of Cirque de Flea. Louise and Gene grimace. GENE (TO SELF) The itching... LOUISE Fine. Tina you take him for the night. TINA Id be happy to have a sleepover with Annie. You


CUT TO: INT. BOBS BURGERS - BOB AND LINDA'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT The room is almost pitch dark. Linda and Bobs outlines move against one another. LINDA (GIGGLING) Ohh Bobbyyy. BOB (GROWLING) Rawrrrrr.

! LINDA (PLAYFULLY) Oh who will save this poor defenseless paleontologist from this savage jungle beast? Linda starts sneezing uncontrollably. BOB Linda, are you alright? Bob turns on the light. LINDA (SNEEZING) Something's wrong. can smell it. I


I'm sneezing like

Pinocchio in a pepper factory. BOB Have you had any small bananas? LINDA None Bobby... BOB Oohhh Lin... Bob tries to kiss her. Linda sneezes loudly. LINDA It must be a rat. BOB A rat? except the one here.

! LINDA I don't know what else it could be. BOB Hugo will have a field day. LINDA Well deal with it Bobby. BOB I'll deal with it first thing in the morning. LINDA My hero. Linda leans over to kiss Bobby, but sneezes in his face. BOB Ugh, Lin. Bob wipes his face with the sheets. BOB Now where were we? LINDA Im goanna try and get some rest. BOB Yah know what would help you sleep... Bob tries to tickle Linda but she swats his hand away.


! LINDA Ill see you in the morning jungle beast. Linda turns off the light, and sneezes. Linda instantly starts snoring. Bob tries to get comfortable. Linda starts sneezing in her sleep. Bobs eyes are wide open in the dark. INT. BOBS BURGERS KITCHEN THE NEXT MORNING Bob stands next to the stove holding a spatula, hes sleep-grilling. BOB Take solace Misses Brown Cow your son gave his life for a good cause... Gene, Louise, and Tina walk by on their way to school. INT. BOBS BURGERS DINER CONTINUOUS


Bob stands in kitchen window separating the diner from the kitchen. His hair is a mess, and drool dangles from his mouth. LOUISE Boo! Bob wakes up startled. BOB Huhh. The spit drops and a loud sizzle is heard.

! GENE You look terrible dad! Bob fully opens his eyes. LOUISE Are you trying to go for the whole grunge thing? BOB I couldnt really sleep... GENE Cause of the rats. BOB (YAWNING) No no. Its because Cause I like it.


your mother kept me up with her sneezing. GENE Because of the rats! BOB No Hey, don't you kids have

school? LOUISE No, this is only a dream. Louise waves her hands eerily and moves towards the door. LOUISE Today is give your daughter...

! LOUISE (CONTD.) cream day. You don't want


to be the only one not celebrating. BOB Nice try Louise. Get to school kids. GENE Good luck with the hunt. BOB Oh I dont need luck. After what I have planned, this rats goanna need a rabbits foot to survive. GENE So it can run faster? BOB No Gene, its called a ... Just go to school. The three walk past and the camera lingers on a close up of Gene's bag moving. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM LATER THAT DAY CLOSE UP: backpack still moving ANDY/OLLIE (O.S.) ...and that's how we ended up with a whole jar of boogers.


MEDIUM SHOT: teacher looks disgusted as Andy and Ollie walk back to their seats TEACHER Andy, Ollie that was... the same as your last presentation. Would anyone Well,

else like to present to the class? Gene eagerly waves his hand. The teacher rolls her eyes and Gene does a triumphant arm pump before walking to the front of the class. He dumps the rat out on the floor. KIDS Ooooh. The teacher looks shocked. GENE This is Roberto, he's a two time silver medalist show rat. First

in his class at Westmuenster rat show. His lineage goes back

to the rats that lived and fought in the coliseum. ANDY/OLLIE Can he do any tricks? GENE Of course he can! He's doing one...

! GENE (CONTD.) ...right now, or uhh... I think that's a trick. The rat starts to give birth. TEACHER Im not qualified for this.



! ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND JUNGLE GYM CONTINUOUS Louise hangs upside down from the monkey bars. Shes talking to Ollie and Andy. Tina stands nearby half listening. OLLIE Of course weve thought about it. Ollie and Andy stare at each other. ANDY Who hasnt? TINA Louise doesnt even know how to sew. They break eye contact. OLLIE What if something goes wrong? Louise flips onto the ground. LOUISE But think of how powerful you would be as Siamese twins! In the distance, Gene runs towards Tina and Louise. Hes clutching his backpack. A mob of his classmates chase after. GENE Tina! Louise! Robertos multiplied!


! LOUISE What are you talking about Gene? GENE Just Look! Gene opens his backpack to reveal Roberto and several newborn rats. TINA Shes given birth! GENE But Roberto cant give birth, hes a boy. OLLIE/ANDIE Its a miracle! A crowd begins to form around Gene. TINA The miracle of life. LOUISE The miracle of opportunity. GENE I knew it was some kind of fate that Roberto and I should meet. Louise climbs the monkey gym and faces the crowd. LOUISE Gather round to witness the coming of a new age! Only five dollars to


! LOUISE (CONTD.) see the immaculate, mystifying, spellbinding once in a life time only, male conception! Kids from every corner of the playground join the crowd. Its size grows exponentially. LOUISE Open your ears, your eyes, your hearts!


The crowd moves increasingly forward. Zeke pushes his way to the front. Gene struggles to contain the crowd and stop them from trampling the rat. TINA This isnt the right environment for a new mother! LOUISE Be the first of your friends to say they saw the chosen one! GENE I didnt see it coming until it was too late! TINA Youre going to hurt Anne! Tina grabs the backpack from Gene and breaks free from the crowd.

! LOUISE Tina! Come back! The crowd lets out a loud groan of disappointment. LOUISE Fear not! The messiah requires rest, but he will be back shortly. CROWD We want the magic rat! LOUISE Soon! But first we must hear tell of how the mighty Roberto will guide us to a land free from pain, misery, and worst of all homework! CROWD Yay! GENE In the meantime enjoy, for a minimal contribution, the sage-like wisdom of Gene, the one chosen to guide the prophet. He is the The


shepherd to Robertos flock. Mary to our John.

Louise climbs down to collect donations in her pointed hat, while Gene takes her place.

! GENE Uhh. So whats up with regular straws? Why cant they all be bendy all the time? ZEKE Boooo! Louise elbows Gene in the side. LOUISE (TO GENE) Dont mess this up! GENE Uhhh. Umm... Whys it called a hamburger, when its made out of beef? A few people begin to leave the crowd. LOUISE (TO SELF) I have to do everything in this family. Louise climbs above Gene, to the top of the jungle gym. GENE Wait! Guys! Thats not even my best material. CROWD (IN UNISON) We want Roberto! LOUISE Prophets require rest!


! CROWD BOO! LOUISE Please! Cast me your ears! Let us not bicker against one another. We should unite in song in preparation for the extraordinary Robertos return! The crowd to listen. LOUISE Kumbaya my Roberto. Kumbaya...


The crowd starts to sing along. They join hands and sway in rhythm. CROWD ROBERTO... Kumbaya... Gene begins fart-tromboning Kumbaya. CUT TO: INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM MOMENTS LATER Bob is hunched over on his knees. Hes setting traps up underneath the counter. BOB One more trap and this little conniving, dirty, stealing, allergy covered rat will be done for. The bell rings. the counter. Bob stands up quickly, hitting his head on


BOB AGHH can I help you? Bob rubs the back of his head and looks up to see Hugo standing smugly next to the door, clipboard and pen in hand with Ron behind him. HUGO Not talking about me, are you Bob? BOB Ha! No actually. HUGO Well good... Ill have you know Im completely disinfected. Germless. BOB (UNDER HIS BREATH) More like one giant germ. Hugos eyes narrow as he stares at Bob. BOB Hugo, what are you doing here? HUGO Its a pleasure to see you too, Bob. Im here in my official

capacity as health inspector to conduct a pre-examination.

! BOB What examination? The inspection isnt until the end of the month. HUGO Correction Bob. It was at the end of the month. RON Hugo requested that it be moved to this Friday, and were obligated to notify you of the change. BOB Why was it moved? HUGO (SMIRKING) Because I can and I found a great deal on a seven day couples cruise to Alaska, only sixteen hundred for a week of bald eagle watching, polar bear petting and all the food and drink you can possibly stomach. BOB Hmm open bar. HUGO Thats right Bob. Free booze.


! BOB Well I hope you and Ron have a wonderful trip. HUGO Very funny Bob. RON Good one. Hugo scowls at Ron. BOB You two make a lovely couple. HUGO Speaking of lovely, I was wondering what Linda might be doing during the week of... Bob interrupts Hugo. BOB Shes not going with you Hugo. HUGO Let the lady speak for herself Bob. Where is Linda? BOB In our bed. Sick.


Hugo cranes his head around Bob, looking into the kitchen.

! HUGO I hope she hasnt been working. One little slip up like a sick employee... dirty utensils... Hugo picks up a fork and grimaces. HUGO (CONTD.) or dare I dream, a health inspectors wet dream... a pest problem? Tina enters with the backpack and moves quickly to the staircase. BOB Tina, what are you doing home? TINA Er, umm. Im not feeling well.


Tina bolts up the stairs before Bob question her. He turns back to Hugo. HUGO Hmm two contagious employees... Hugo jots something down on his notepad. HUGO She better not be working today. I dont like it Bob, I dont like it one bit. Hugo swipes his finger along the counter, examines the dirt and then rapidly scribbles something on his notepad.

! RON Ehh Hugo. HUGO Not now Ron, Im busy. Ron checks his watch. RON Hugo we only... Hugo What? What could be so important that youd interrupt my pre-inspection? RON We only have five minutes to make it to Shirleys Deli in time for lunch. HUGO Complementary Hoagies, just another perk of being the big man. Hugo winks at Bob. BOB Sure. Big man.


Bob stands up straight making Hugo look even smaller. HUGO Well, yes Bob. Make sure

! HUGO (CONTD.) everything is ship shape on Friday. BOB Bon voyage. HUGO Until Friday, Bob. Enjoy these last few days. Ron holds the door open. Hugo walks backward maintaining eye contact with Bob until hes left the restaurant. BOB (TO SELF) Now wheres that rat?


CUT TO: INT. BOBS BURGERS TINAS ROOM MOMENTS LATER Tina sits cross legged next to her bookcase with Genes backpack open on her lap and a shoebox next to her. TINA Its okay now Anne, youre safe. Tina gently puts the rat family into the shoe box. TINA I have the perfect hiding spot for you. Tina pushes back her bookcase to reveal a small hole in the wall that is empty except for her diary. TINA Youll be safe here next to my

! TINA (CONTD.) diary. Tina lovingly places the shoe box in the crawlspace. ANGLE ON: Tinas pink diary. begin to turn rapidly.


The lock opens and the pages CUT TO:

INT. WWII ERA WAR-TORN GERMANY NIGHT (DREAM SEQUENCE) Tina stands dressed in an attic as Mr. van Daan, with Jimmy Jr. next to her wearing a dress. Air raid sirens and artillery echo in the background in contrast to sad Itzhak Perlman like violin music. JIMMY JR. Oh Mr. van Daan, I mean Tina, we cant afford to keep giving them food. TINA My beloved, they need this food to live! JIMMY JR. At what cost! The sound of marching growing louder in the background. Jimmy Junior looks scared. TINA Jimmy, do we really want our children to be raised in a household that doesnt care for those in need.

! JIMMY JR. I... I... Im just so afraid. Jimmy junior erupts into tears. TINA Think of Tina Jr. Be strong for children. Tina puts her arms around Jimmy Jr. Jimmy Jr. Oh youre right dearest. You always know whats best. Jimmy looks up into Tinas eyes lovingly. JIMMY JR. I wish I could stay in your arms forever. Tina bends down and kisses Jimmy Jr. TINA Come now. They must be starving.


Tina walks over to a tall bookcase and slides it out of the way. After a beat, an anthropomorphized version of Anne and her family appears in the doorway. Anne holds Tinas pink notebook in her hand. Suddenly, the door is knocked down revealing Bob dressed as an SS officer. He grins wildly as he points a Luger at the family.




! ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. BOBS BURGERS TINAS ROOM CONTINUOUS BOB (YELLING) Tina! Open the door! Tina quickly slides the bookcase back in place before opening the door. Bob stands in the doorway, his eyes bloodshot. Linda stands next to him sniffling. BOB So? TINA Umm... huh? BOB Isnt it obvious? Bobs eyes bulge. TINA (CONCERNED) Dad, are you okay? BOB Im better than okay. Im using


your mothers allergy to find the rats. LINDA Hi honey, (SNEEZES) dont be scared your fathers just really tired, and... (SNEEZES)

! BOB The unending, unceasing, continuous sneezing... LINDA Oh Bobby, Im s... Linda sneezes loudly and Bob winces. TINA Dad, are you going to... BOB That which has driven me to the brink of madness, turned out to be the key! With your mothers nose we can track every damn dirty rat in the place!


CUT TO: EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND JUNGLE GYM MOMENTS LATER Andy and Ollie stand as disciples in front of Gene, as he continues to fart trombone. Louise walks around the crowd collecting gum, quarters, anything she can get. Factions of the crowd begin to walk away, yet a core group of about twenty followers sit cross-legged humming in unison. GENE Louise, I cant keep this up much longer. LOUISE Then find Roberto and Ill take

! LOUISE (CONTD.) over. Gene jumps off the jungle gym and runs home to search. Louise addresses the crowd from the ground. LOUISE It wont be long now until we are reunited with the blessed Roberto. CROWD Amen. LOUISE Let us turn our gaze to the tapestry that Andy and Ollie have constructed in honor of the miracle that took place earlier today. Andy/Ollie What tapestry? LOUISE Youve got crayons, draw something!


Mr. Frond walks onto the playground with the vice principal and Genes teacher. MR. FROND Thats enough Louise. LOUISE The non-believers wish to silence us!

! TEACHER Stop this immediately! LOUISE Drown out their threats with prayer! CROWD Kumbaya Ronnie, Kumbaya... The crowd circles the teachers and continues to chant. LOUISE I will return with the prophet! Roberto shall protect us!


Louise examines the loot in her hat while she runs back to the Diner. The crowd grows louder and more boisterous as the teachers try to break free. CUT TO: INT. BOBS BURGERS DINING ROOM LATER THAT DAY Bob follows Linda as she walks through the house, sniffing the air. Tina is bored and growing agitated. LINDA Bobby, weve searched the whole house from top to bottom. BOB Maybe this was a bad idea. LINDA All weve found out is that Im

! LINDA (CONTD.) allergic to dust and we have a mold problem in the basement. TINA Dad, can I go back to my room now? BOB Okay Tina, but keep an eye out. Lin you take five, but keep that nose sharp. Bob begins to manically search the cupboards. Linda, exhausted, slumps into a chair. Tina walks towards her room. INT. BOBS BURGERS HALLWAY CONTINUOUS Tina reaches for the handle of her door, only to realize its unlocked. She pushes the door open to reveal. INT. BOBS BURGERS TINAS ROOM CONTINUOUS Tina rushes inside to find the bookcase ajar and the shoebox missing. She darts back into the hallway. INT. BOBS BURGERS HALLWAY CONTINUOUS She dashes towards Genes room coming to a sliding halt. Flickering light can be seen coming from underneath the door. Tina opens the door. INT. BOBS BURGERS GENES ROOM CONTINUOUS


The room is lit entirely by candle light. The rat and its children rest in a shoebox on a pillow on top of a homemade shrine. Gene kneels in front of them wearing one of Bobs black bathrobes, its clearly far too large for him.

! TINA Gene! Gene turns around and extends his arms to Tina. GENE Ah sister come and bathe in the glow of the miracle. Tina rushes towards Gene and he stands up defensively. GENE No! You cant take them from me! TINA Gene this isnt healthy. GENE Bahh! Thats what you said about Cirque de Flea! TINA And I was right!


Gene pauses for a second, allowing Tina to run around him. GENE Robertos my prophet! Gene tries to get past Tina as she grabs the shoebox with the rats. TINA She isnt a prophet!

! GENE Hes only the leader of our generation! Gene manages to grab one end of the shoebox. TINA Shes a mother! GENE The mother of a new religion! The two circle, stuck in a tug of war. TINA Gene youve gone mad. Louise runs past the doorway, before charging into the room. GENE Youre just jealous! LOUISE Thats right Gene, she just wants this cash cow all to herself.


Louise grabs a corner of the box and the three continue to circle struggling for possession. GENE Roberto is not a cash cow! LOUISE Thats right! Shes just like us.

! GENE No shes even better!


Bob towers in the doorway, his eyes are even more bloodshot than before. He breathes heavily and his nostrils flare. BOB Finally! Linda appears in the doorway and sneezes. LINDA Bobby, look its... Before Linda can finish her sentence Bob rushes into the room and pries the shoebox from their hands. LOUISE Dad! GENE Roberto! TINA Dont hurt Anne! LINDA Bob, calm down youre scaring the kids. BOB This is for the kids! Bob holds the box above his and goes out the door. Tina, Gene, and Louise follow. LINDA Ugh. Im going back to bed.



Bob rushes to the stairway. Gene pushes back his siblings and koala bears Bobs right leg. BOB Stop it Gene. GENE Not until you give Roberto back. TINA Dont hurt them! BOB Im not going to hurt them. Im going to kill them. LOUISE Well, dads finally snapped. INT. BOBS BURGERS STAIRWAY CONTINUOUS Gene tightens his grasp on one of Bobs legs. Tina and Louise look on from the top of the stairs. Bob drags him down each step with a loud thud. GENE Dad think of what we can learn! BOB Like how fast a rat deep fries? GENE Ahhh! Gene begins to bite Bobs leg.

! BOB Gene! Let go now or youre grounded for the rest of your natural born life! Gene lets go and Bob darts into the kitchen. INT. BOBS BURGERS KITCHEN MOMENTS LATER Bob enters with the shoebox underneath his right arm. The children walk in. Bob turns on the deep fryer and the sizzle of molten hot grease fills the room. TINA Ah its worse than I imagined. LOUISE I bet they did this in the inquisition! Gene starts to kneel and pray.


Bob moves the box towards the fryer when the top falls off. Annie stands on her hindquarters staring into Bobs eyes. Bob pauses, looks at his kids, and then back to the rat. He turns the fryer off and puts the top back on the shoebox. Then he hands the box to Tina. GENE Its a miracle! BOB No Gene, your father just wasnt thinking clearly. rubs his temple. GENE But what about the immaculate male conception? Bob


BOB What? Only women can have kids... GENE So it is a miracle? BOB No, Gene. Childbirth, the creation

of new life, no matter how small or insignificant is a miracle that happens every moment of every day. TINA So can we keep them? BOB No Tina, but we dont have to kill them. We can bring them to the pet

store around the corner. The three children join together to hug Bob. LOUISE Just ignore any calls you get from school dad. BOB What? LOUISE Oh nothing. Youre the best dad ever!


The children leave the kitchen. The phone rings. Bob listens for a second before putting the receiver down. BOB Louise! Gene! FADE OUT: END OF ACT THREE FADE IN: TAG EXT. PET STORE THE NEXT DAY

Bob walks out of the pet store, and walks off screen. A few seconds later, we see Ollie and Andy looking through the window before they enter the store. Immediately after they enter a hoard of worshiping schoolchildren follow. ! END OF SHOW FADE TO BLACK: