Microsoft 393 up, 107 down A large terrorist organisation, hell bent on producing software that crashes and works

slowly. Some of their more evil tactics over the years include waiting until just before you click the save button to make the screen go all blue for no reason, but more subtle tactics include waiting until you start to work, then annoying you with a sodding paper clip. Josh: "I'll just get on with some work..." Microsoft Paperclip: "Hello!" Josh: *I'll just ignore him, and he'll go away*.... *starts to type* Microsoft Paperclip: "Do you want to write a letter?" Josh: "No." Microsoft Paperclip: "Okay, do you need some help with that?" Josh: "NO! NO! NO I DONT FUCKING WANT SOME HELP! PISS OFF!!" *clicks on hide, paperclip dissapears*...*begins to work...* ... 2 minutes pass ... Microsoft Paperclip: "Hello!" -----The day microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they make vacume cleaners. ------

----Quick Guide to Programming Languages

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma. TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot. C: You shoot yourself in the foot. C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there." FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability. Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type. COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot. Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you. BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result. Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot. Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o no such file or directory % ls % Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot. 370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried. Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too. Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead. Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for. Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot. Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head. ---Murphey's Laws Of Computing 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. --Murphy’s Laws • • • • • • Any given program, when running, is/becomes obsolete. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. Every non- trivial program has at least one bug Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs. Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization. Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user. Profanity is one language all computer users know. 1) Every non-trivial program contains at least one bug. 2) Every non-trivial program can be simplified by at least one line of code. The conclusion of the last two laws: Every non trivial program can be simplified to one line of code, and it will contain a bug. A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs. The longer it takes to download a program the more likely it won't run. Failure is not an option, it's included with the software. My software doesn’t have bugs, it just develops random features

• • •

• • • •

• • • • • • • • • • ---

Or It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, "Watch this!" corollary: If you call another programmer over to see if he knows what's wrong the bug disappears. The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. When the Downloading Window says "99%complete", there will be a fluctuation in the voltage and you'll have to start all over again. The troubleshooting guide contains the answer to every problem except yours. The smaller the size of your email account, the more junk mail you will get The boss will always come to your workspace when you accidentally open an adult link The more pop-up screens you have, the more likely the boss will come by When designing a program to handle all possible dumb errors, nature creates a dumber user

Master your semester with Scribd & The New York Times

Special offer for students: Only $4.99/month.

Master your semester with Scribd & The New York Times

Cancel anytime.