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Up All Night "To Do List" by Peter Harmon

@PeterLHarmon

FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK CHRIS and REAGAN sit amidst a sea of stationery samples. REAGAN Planning a wedding is hard. Right?! CHRIS

REAGAN I need a break. CHRIS I know how we can take a break and be productive. Chris runs out of the room leaving Reagan sitting on the couch, stunned. He returns mere moments later, hugging several bottles of wine. CHRIS (CONT’D) We have to be experts on the wine we’re serving at the reception. REAGAN This is why I’m marrying you. INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER - FLASHBACK Empty wine bottles sit on the floor next to stacks of invitations. The lights are dimmed. wine, visibly buzzed. Chris and Reagan are still drinking

CHRIS You can cross wine tasting off your to do list. Reagan, mid-sip, nods. REAGAN That’s something else we need to figure out before the wedding.

2. CHRIS Oh God, now? Can’t we hire a gay guy to do everything else? REAGAN No, Chris, our “To Do Lists.” The celebrity that we’re allowed to have sex with, no strings attached. Ohh. CHRIS

REAGAN So who is yours? CHRIS The girl from the insurance commercials. Flo? REAGAN

CHRIS (a little creepy) She’s so peppy. REAGAN I don’t think she counts as a celebrity, plus I feel like you could pull her. CHRIS Aw, thanks babe. Um, fine, then Natalie Portman. She’s smart, she picks good roles, she’s sexy... REAGAN OK, OK, don’t get too excited. CHRIS Who’s yours? REAGAN I don’t know. Reagan scans the room, her eyes land on a DVD copy of 300. REAGAN (CONT’D) Those Spartans had it going on. She picks up the DVD.

3. REAGAN (CONT’D) Not Gerard Butler, he looks like a scary Uncle. Hmm, how about... Michael Fassbender? Chris shrugs. CHRIS Never heard of him. INT. AVA’S OFFICE - DAY MISSY briefs AVA and Reagan on the upcoming week’s guests. Reagan is taking notes on her iPad. MISSY On Wednesday we have the chimp that tore that woman’s face off, we’re finally going to hear his side of the story. Ava nods approvingly. MISSY (CONT’D) Then on Thursday we have Michael Fassbender raising awareness for his hunger charity: Rumblin’ Tummies. Reagan looks up from her iPad but Ava begins to speak. AVA For or against? Hunger? MISSY Against.

AVA Just making sure. MISSY Then on Friday... REAGAN Wait, did you say Michael Fassbender is going to be on the show? Missy nods. AVA Is there a problem?

4. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK Reagan and Chris laugh, clink their glasses together. REAGAN To our “To Do Lists.” INT. AVA’S OFFICE Reagan shakes her head. REAGAN No, no problem at all. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Reagan enters the house. Chris shoves a spoon in AMY’s direction with one hand while devoting most of his attention to a laptop on the dining room table. REAGAN We’re having Michael Fassbender on the show this week. CHRIS Have you ever heard of the microblogging platform/ social networking community Tumblr.? REAGAN I don’t know what most of those words mean. CHRIS It’s kind of like blogging on steroids... no, ecstacy. There are blogs about everything: fitness, tattoos, fit people with tattoos. REAGAN Great. Anyway, Michael Fassbender is going to be on our show. Chris looks up. CHRIS That’s Mag-Neato! Get it? He was Magneto in X-Men: First Class.

5. He’s right back to typing on the laptop. Chris. REAGAN

CHRIS There’s a Tumblr. called ‘Michael Fassbender with Pugs’ where people photoshop pictures of pugs into pictures of Michael Fassbender... And I guess vice versa as well. REAGAN You don’t care? CHRIS No, I care, I care, congratulations, I’m so proud of you. Good job. (to Amy) Say good job Mommy! Amy smiles, she’s a mess due to Chris’ preoccupation with the computer. REAGAN I just thought I’d let you know. CHRIS Thanks babe. Reagan begins to walk away. Chris calls after her.

CHRIS (CONT’D) This blog is JUST pictures of “Doctor Who’s” TARDIS. Automatic reblog. INT. BEDROOM - DAY Chris sits on the bed, his ever present laptop on his lap. Reagan exits the bathroom. for work. Chris looks up. Whoa baby. CHRIS She’s dressed a little too sexy

Reagan blushes a little, shrugs.

6. CHRIS (CONT’D) Is Fass-boner on the show today? REAGAN What? No! Well, yes. I don’t know why I just said no. Chris takes a quick picture with his phone’s camera. CHRIS I’m starting a new feature on my blog: MILF Of The Week. Chris. REAGAN

CHRIS Don’t worry I’ll crop out your face, I’m trying to keep this blog totally “anon.” REAGAN Crop out my face? CHRIS I need good content. Awesome features like “MILF Of The Week.” Once I start getting serious hits on this baby I’ll be getting free products to plug, probably rake in the dough through ad sales. REAGAN Yeah, good luck with that. She looks at herself again in the mirror. REAGAN (CONT’D) Bye honey, I love you. CHRIS I love you too. (sing songy) Tell Michael I said “Hi.” INT. BACKSTAGE/ AVA SHOW STAGE - DAY Reagan watches the show on a monitor. ON SCREEN: Ava interviews Michael Fassbender.

7. MICHAEL FASSBENDER I lead the inmates of a Northern Irish prison in a hunger strike. AVA Your character did. MICHAEL FASSBENDER I did, yes. AVA In the movie Hunger. Fassbender just smiles at the audience, women swoon. CALVIN chimes in. CALVIN Why do white people lose weight to be in movies? If I was in a movie I’d be like Will Smith in I Am Legend, so muscular it doesn’t even make sense. Everyone’s dead so I guess I have more time to spend in the gym? I don’t know ya’ll. MICHAEL FASSBENDER I lost thirty pounds, I was starving constantly, getting only a fraction of the calories per day that a man needs. AVA For the movie. Fassbender shrugs. AVA (CONT’D) Tell me about Rumblin’ Tummies. MICHAEL FASSBENDER I became involved with Rumblin’ Tummies because I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I went through. AVA Lose weight to be in a movie? Go hungry. MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Ava addresses the camera.

8. AVA When we return we’ll see if Michael can move that pile of scrap metal... She gestures to pile of scrap metal set up on the stage. AVA (CONT’D) With his mind. Fassbender reaches a hand towards the metal, pretends to concentrate on moving it, then smiles at the crowd. The audience applauds. Fassbender walks off screen. Reagan nods in approval. She turns around and Fassbender is already standing right there, eating a sandwich wrapped in a napkin. She’s caught off guard. MICHAEL FASSBENDER And you must be Reagan. REAGAN Hello, great segment. doing is so heroic. What you’re

MICHAEL FASSBENDER No, what you’re doing is heroic because you’re letting the world know about the heroic things I’m doing. He gives her a little wink. REAGAN (so nervous) We’re both heroes. She chuckles. MICHAEL FASSBENDER Definitely, definitely... Um, where’s the craft services table? Oh nevermind, I see it. Thanks Ray. He walks away. REAGAN Cool, good talk fellow hero. She realizes that was a dumb thing to say.

9. INT. AVA’S OFFICE - DAY Ava reclines behind her desk, Missy stands at attention. Reagan paces. REAGAN When I pseudo-randomly picked him as the celebrity for my To Do List I didn’t know that I would actually ever meet him. AVA I am a celebrity, I don’t have a To Do List, I’m on men’s To Do Lists. REAGAN He was just one of the hot guys in 300, I didn’t know he was going to turn out to be a BAFTA nominee with a huge dong. AVA I have a “Have Done List.” Will, Will.I.Am. (in the voice from the “Martin” theme) Martin. LL,

REAGAN Thanks Ava, you’re being a huge help. MISSY Anderson Cooper is on my list, he’s so dreamy. I love his little haircut. REAGAN I think Anderson Cooper is... Missy looks worried. REAGAN (CONT’D) Super cute. Yeah, good choice. Calvin walks by and peeks in. CALVIN Mariah Carey is on my To Do List. She is fine! Mmm, I want her to have my babies.

10. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Chris and Reagan eat dinner. REAGAN How was Amy today? get a good nap? CHRIS (distracted) She was great. REAGAN Did you do anything fun? park? Go to the Did she finally

CHRIS (excited) I totally planned out my blog’s social networking strategy. REAGAN Here we go. CHRIS I connected my blog to it’s own Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, Vimeo, Foursquare, Instagram, and Yelp. So whenever I upload a photo on Instagram or put a video on Youtube and Vimeo my Twitter will tweet to my Facebook. REAGAN You must be very proud. He is, he takes a big ole’ bite and smiles as he chews. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Reagan watches the movie Shame. She is fully engrossed, a bowl of popcorn ignored on her lap. Chris enters the living room. Reagan fumbles with the remote and changes the channel. CHRIS What are you watching babe? Australian rules football is on the TV.

11. REAGAN

Sports?

CHRIS I didn’t know you liked Australian rules football. Chris affects a terrible Australian accent. CHRIS (CONT’D) Fancy a bit of the footy, Sheila? REAGAN (also a bad accent) Throw another shrimp on the barbie... She drops it almost immediately. OK... REAGAN (CONT’D) No, I’m watching Shame.

She flips it back to the movie. Again? CHRIS

REAGAN It’s a great story, great drama. Fascinating character study. Chris points to the screen. CHRIS I see you’re studying a lot more than his character. Reagan groans. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Chris trains his video camera on Amy. She sits and plays quietly. CHRIS Alright Amy, do something awesome. She looks into the camera and smiles wide.

12. CHRIS (CONT’D) That’s very cute but maybe can you rap some Nicki Minaj or something, at least the chorus of “Superbass”? She continues just playing. CHRIS (CONT’D) Remember that time you hiccupped and farted at the same time? Can we get back into that headspace? Amy just laughs. CHRIS (CONT’D) You’re not thinking virally baby, if this thing doesn’t get a million hits we’ll be failures. No response from Amy. Alright. CHRIS (CONT’D)

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Amy is dressed up like Princess Leia in a white robe with fake hair buns on the side of her head. Chris hands her a toy lightsaber. CHRIS Go crazy Amy, you’re going to be the next internet phenomenon: Star Wars Baby. Amy stands. CHRIS (CONT’D) Come to daddy. She smiles and begins walking towards Chris, lightsaber in hand. CHRIS (CONT’D) Swing the lightsaber around. Amy drops the lightsaber and outstretches both her arms to hug Chris. He puts down the camera, puts the lightsaber back into her hand, and moves her back several steps.

13. CHRIS (CONT’D) Come on baby.

Take two. Amy is confused.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Walk to daddy. Amy again walks towards Chris but drops the lightsaber to reach towards Chris. CHRIS (CONT’D) (too loud) Amy! You messed up the take. Amy looks into Chris’ eyes, her lower lip pouts, she begins crying. Chris rolls his eyes. CHRIS (CONT’D) That’s not very professional. She continues crying. Chris pauses and actually notices that Amy is crying. sets down the camera and looks around. Oh. CHRIS (CONT’D) He

He kneels next her and hugs her up. INT. REAGAN’S OFFICE - DAY Reagan sits at her desk. Missy enters. MISSY Here’s the check for Mr. Fassbender’s charity. REAGAN Ava didn’t give it to him? MISSY She said you were supposed to. REAGAN I... Yeah, I was. OK, mail it out.

14. MISSY He’s still in town, Ava would like you to hand deliver it to him at his hotel. And to apologize in person for the wait. His hotel? Missy laughs. MISSY Yeah, and maybe while you’re at it you can bone him, get it, because he’s on your To Do List. REAGAN That’s not funny. MISSY You’re not going to have sex with him? REAGAN (unsure) REAGAN

No.

MISSY You’re not going to make him say “This is Sparta!” No. REAGAN

MISSY You’re not going to... No! REAGAN

MISSY OK, I won’t pry. Missy mimes zipping her lip, locking up the lip zipper with a key, dropping the key in her breast pocket, and zipping the breast pocket. Reagan heads out the door. MISSY (CONT’D) He’s under the name Erik Lehnsherr. Reagan looks at Missy quizzically.

15. MISSY (CONT’D) Magneto’s real name. Of course. INT. HOTEL HALLWAY Reagan takes a deep breath then knocks. The door just swings open. INT. HOTEL ROOM Michael Fassender is shirtless, working out hardcore on a Stairmaster, watching 300, eating a slice of pizza. He notices Reagan, smiles and waves. INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER Michael Fassbender picks food off of a room service cart. Reagan folds and creases the check in her hands. MICHAEL FASSBENDER I appreciate you stopping by. I offer you some wine? Can REAGAN

He holds up a dripping bottle from a bucket of ice. REAGAN No, no thank you. He shrugs, takes a swig. MICHAEL FASSBENDER I was chatting with the AfricanAmerican gentleman on your show... REAGAN Calvin, he’s great isn’t he? a funny, charming... Such

MICHAEL FASSBENDER He said I was on your Free Sex list. REAGAN ...crazy liar. What?

16. Fassbender takes a bite from a piece of cake and smiles. REAGAN (CONT’D) No, my husband and I have a joke where we have a To Do List, one celebrity that we can have sex with, no strings attached. MICHAEL FASSBENDER What a coincidence, you’re on my civilian To Do List. REAGAN Oh wow, um, but my husband and I were drunk, just joking around. MICHAEL FASSBENDER Are you sure you don’t want any wine? Reagan waves it away. MICHAEL FASSBENDER (CONT’D) I’m going to go take a shower, I work up a pretty good testicle lather on the automated stair machine. If you’re still here when I’m done I’ll take it as a sign that you want to check me off your list. He enters the bathroom but leaves the door open a crack. Reagan stares at the small opening. She pours herself a glass of wine and chugs it. Her eyes fix on the door again. REAGAN It would be a Shame not to at least look. She smiles but then pauses. REAGAN (CONT’D) I’m making jokes out loud to myself. Reagan pours another glass of wine. She takes out her phone and calls Chris.

17. CHRIS (V.O.)

Hello?

REAGAN Hey, what are you doing? CHRIS (V.O.) Amy and I were just having a dance party. In an unrelated note, I think you would look good in Daisy Dukes with a bikini on top, total non-sequitur though. Reagan smiles. Mhm. REAGAN

CHRIS Have I ever told you that your sun kissed skin is so hot that it melts my popsicle? REAGAN I feel like I would have remembered that. CHRIS (V.O.) Hmm, OK. I sent you a link to my blog by the way, did you get it? The water turns off in the hotel bathroom. REAGAN Uh yeah, looks great, gotta go, bye. She hangs up. MICHAEL FASSBENDER (O.S.) Have you ever seen American Psycho? Yeah... REAGAN

MICHAEL FASSBENDER (O.S.) I have to do his skin care regiment but then I’ll be right out. I’m glad you’re still here. Yep. REAGAN

18. She walks towards the door to the hallway, opens it, closes it. She just stands by the door. She takes out her phone and checks Chris’ email. the link to his blog. She follows

Chris’ Daddy Blog is amateurishly made. Towards the top there is a hit counter that has barely broken the double digits. She continues to look and she sees the picture of her dressed sexy for work. The title reads “MILF Of The Week” and the subtitle reads “And every week!!” She sees the Youtube video of Amy wearing the Princess Leia costume with the caption “My (unsuccessful) attempt at a viral video and why I’ll never do it again.” Reagan nods, puts down the check, and exits the room. Fassbender walks out of the bathroom. MICHAEL FASSBENDER You know, I read for American Psycho but they said I was too in shape... He sees that the room is empty. He shrugs and continues his story. MICHAEL FASSBENDER (CONT’D) So I said, what?! Do you want me to lose thirty pounds? Gain fifty? Name your weight... He takes another slice of pizza off of the room service cart and continues talking to himself. INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Chris brushes his teeth. Reagan enters, smiles, and gives him a big hug around his torso. CHRIS How’d it go? We boned. REAGAN

19. CHRIS

Oh yeah?

He continues brushing his teeth. REAGAN You would really just be all cool with it if we did? CHRIS Of course not, but I knew you weren’t going to go through with it. What we’ve got here is solid, babe. Reagan pulls him in for a kiss. She wipes away the transferred toothpaste. He spits. CHRIS (CONT’D) I know you don’t want to mess it up and lose access to all of this: He gestures to his body, extra emphasis on the crotch region. Yeah, OK. REAGAN

Chris exits the bathroom. Reagan washes her face. REAGAN (CONT’D) You know, it’s sort of weird, next week is Celebrity Mommies week on the show and Natalie Portman is... Chris bursts into the bathroom. CHRIS Is Fassbender still in town? You go have sex with him right this instant. BLACKOUT. INT. DINING ROOM - DAY Chris sits at the dining room table, scrapbooking materials spread before him.

20. Reagan enters and puts her hand on his shoulder. REAGAN Whatcha doin’? CHRIS The blog didn’t have the social and cultural impact I expected. REAGAN Didn’t get enough Twitter followers? Chris shakes his head sadly. CHRIS But, I decided to keep a scrapbook about Amy for when she grows up. It’ll only have one “follower” and probably just a handful of “views” but they’ll be from the only person I actually care about seeing it. REAGAN Aw, that’s so sweet. CHRIS That was pretty good right? Reagan nods. Chris pulls out his phone. CHRIS (CONT’D) I gotta tweet that. FADE OUT.

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