You are on page 1of 30

THE DICKLESS WONDER

“THE PILOT”

Created

by

Josh Mitchell

Written

by

Josh Mitchell

JOSH MITCHELL
WICKID PISSA FILMS
mitchmitchell24@hotmail.com

http://www.youtube.com/wickidpissafilms
2

MAIN CHARACTERS

RICHARD RINKLES is a club promoter and consummate


bachelor who treats women like decorations at a junior
high dance: he tramples on them the next day. His good
looks are as undeniable as his indecent tendencies.

RONNIE RINKLES is Richard’s dweebish younger brother


who never could close the deal with chicks until
Richard loses his most prized possession. He takes
full advantage of his brother’s predicament by
scooping up every lady that Richard has to deny.

DARLENE RINKLES is Richard and Ronnie’s straight-laced


older sister and their surrogate mom, which includes
but isn’t limited to, daily pious and judgmental
finger-pointing and constant scolding. She vigorously
shakes her head every time she wants to emphasize an
acid-etched point. She is the Dean of Science and
Environmental Studies at an all-female university.

LESTER JESTER, “The Sex Toy Tester”, is an albino


witch doctor who pays his bills by testing new
cutting-edge sex toys. His days of wrestling have
given him a great appreciation of delivering justice.

LATEESHA JESTER is Lester’s younger sister. She’s


tall, pretty and proud. She never hides her propensity
for overconfident white men. If ever convicted of
murder, she would stride off to the gas chamber
wearing high heels and earrings.

MARIBEL BARRIO is a bleeding heart liberal and the


director of a non-profit company that provides shelter
and food for homeless people. Her main hobby is
photography, but neither an extreme wide-angle lens
nor an x-ray machine could capture her inner beauty.

FRANK RINKLES is the cropped-haired, soft-spoken


patriarch of the Rinkles clan who once demonstrated
advanced dementia to get out of jury duty. He is a
mailman and has the sculpted calves to prove it.
3

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM – NIGHT

RICHARD stands over a BENT-OVER BEAUTY, studying his


facial expressions in the mirror as he screws the girl
from behind like an epileptic Elvis.

She WAILS like Pavarotti stubbing his toe.

For him, this sex act is strictly textbook and as


yawn-inducing as listening to NPR during a marathon
bubble bath.

RICHARD
(rolling his eyes)
Oh, yeah, baby, I’m giving you
the Grade-A, VIP, all-you-can-eat
buffet treatment.

More MOANING.

INT. DIFFERENT BEDROOM – NIGHT

Richard has athletic sex with a petite GORGEOUS GIRL


in a different bedroom.

This time the girl is on top, looking down at him.

RICHARD
How’s it feel to have the best
view in the city?

PETITE GIRL
(not getting it)
What view? My apartment is below
street level so all I see are
wobbly women in discounted shoes.

RICHARD
No, I mean – forget it.
4

And then, MOANING from the pleasured pixie.

INT. DANCE CLUB – COAT ROOM – NIGHT

Richard has wild sex with a FEMALE MODEL-TYPE in the


back of the coat room of a high-profile dance club.

He holds her up and they pinball off the walls.

RICHARD
You like it rough, huh?

GIRL
Don’t stop.

RICHARD
Don’t worry about that. You’re
getting the Michael Jackson
special: “Don’t Stop Till You
Get Enough”.

She GROANS with pleasure.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Welcome to The Jungle.

They both finish and he instantly lets go of his grip,


letting the half-naked starlet slink awkwardly to the
floor like a corpse falling out of a coffin.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Can you hand me my car keys while
you’re down there, sweetheart?

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM – NIGHT

Richard stands in his bathroom, primping. He inspects


his nostrils for visible nose hair.

Satisfied, he then employs an assortment of gels and


sprays to style his hair for work.

After much tweaking and combing, he stops and stares


in the mirror to appreciate his work.

RICHARD
5

Damn. You are one sexy beast.

He leans in closer to fully scrutinize his manly mug.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
(BEAT) How did you get so good
at fucking?

His own words puzzle him.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
How did I get so good at
fucking?

FLASHBACK:

INT. POST OFFICE – DAY

Richard stands in the back of the post office, talking


to his mail-man dad, FRANK RINKLES.

TITLE CARD reads: “Earlier that day.”

RICHARD
Dad, are you a good fucker?

Frank nervously scans a nearby MOTHER and her CHILD


buying stamps, but both are distracted at the moment
and pay no attention.

FRANK
(under his breath)
Excuse me?

RICHARD
Did you wax a lot of broads
before Mom?

FRANK
(considers, then:)
Actually, son, your mother is
my one and only.

RICHARD
What? You’ve only been with one
chick in your entire life? The
6

only thing worse would be to


admit that you suck at oral.

FRANK
Well, I’ll be honest: I once
grazed Paula Ryan’s boob at
Boy Scout camp.

RICHARD
That’s pathetic, Dad. I gotta go.

FRANK
OK. Don’t tell your sister about
the whole second base incident.
She wouldn’t understand.

RICHARD.
No problem. I’ll see you later.

BACK TO PRESENT:

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – NIGHT

Richard is in the same position as before, admiring


himself in the mirror. Then, it dawns on him.

His mouth forms such a lop-sided grin that his lips


actually look like a squiggly line.

RICHARD
I must be a mama’s boy. Way
to go, Mommy Dearest!

He kills the lights and darts out of the room.

EXT. DINGY APARTMENT – NIGHT

Richard pulls up in his shiny car and HONKS the horn.

RONNIE RINKLES, his younger brother, comes jogging out


sporting club-kid attire and climbs into the car.

INT. CAR (MOVING) – NIGHT

RICHARD
Did you know that Dad has never
been with any other chick besides
7

Mom?

RONNIE
You didn’t? Richie, the guy
is as sexual as a neutered nun.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he
has only hit it three times in his
life. Hence, me, you and Darlene.

RICHARD
Come on, what about the poster
of Angelina Jolie he has hanging
in his cubicle?

RONNIE
I asked him about that and instead
of commenting on her bee-stung
lips and killer tits, he said
he respected her philanthropy
in third-world nations.

RICHARD
He said that?

RONNIE
Yeah, if you ask me, I think
he’s more into Jon Voight.

RICHARD
“Midnight Cowboy” is one of his
favorite movies.

RONNIE
I’m talking about him being a
midnight cowboy that frequents
“Brokeback Mountain”--

Richard’s cell phone RINGS, interrupting. He checks


the caller ID: Coat Check Chick.

RONNIE
Who is it?

RICHARD
It’s the coat check girl from
The Galaxy. I threw a good
8

fuck at her the other night


and she won’t stop calling me.

RONNIE
You banged that coat check girl?
Whoa! She’s smokin’.

RICHARD
Yeah, well, her breath smells like
a bucket of raw hamster farts.

INT. CLUB – NIGHT

A trendy and spacious club with a large dance floor.

Everyone prepares the space for a busy Saturday night.

Richard and Ronnie walk in and all the SHOT GIRLS and
BARTENDERS stare at them.

The two brothers exchange fist handshakes with a few


BOUNCERS and then set up shop by the stage.

RICHARD
(To Ronnie)
Here’s the guest list. Tonight
is DJ Jenga so the place is
gonna be packed. Do not let
in any meatballs or any of
your stump-ugly hoes. Text
me if you have any problems.
I’ll be catering to the talent.

They both look over and take note of the handful of


scantily-dressed shot girls.

RONNIE
Can I come over with you?

Richard just stares at him.

RONNIE (CONT’D)
I promise I won’t say anything.

RICHARD
(BEAT) OK. But you better keep
your mouth shut this time.
9

They walk over to the cluster of sexy shot girls.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Hello, ladies, are we ready to
make some money tonight? You’re
all looking really slutty and
loose so it should be a good
night. I will be bouncing
around the room making sure
all runs smoothly so grab me
if you have any problems.

RONNIE
I’ll be out front if--

Richard gives him a stern look as he interrupts:

RICHARD
Have some fun tonight, girls.

EXT. STREET - OUTSIDE CLUB – NIGHT

LESTER JESTER and his sister, LATEESHA, dash out of a


cab and walk in the direction of the club.

Lester is draped entirely in black attire and his


white hair is sprouted up like a field of wheat.

With animal bones dangling from his earlobes and a


bone amulet around his neck, he looks like a welfare
version of a witch doctor – which he is.

LATEESHA
Lester, I can’t believe you
agreed to go clubbing with me.
You’re the best brother.

LESTER
It’s your birthday and I know
how you love DJ Jenga.

LATEESHA
How do I look?

LESTER
Like a food-deprived Spice Girl.
10

She smiles and struts ahead, with Lester in tow.

EXT. CLUB – NIGHT

There’s a long line of CLUB HOPEFULS snaked around the


corner and in front of the club.

Ronnie stands by the velvet rope and slowly lets in


the sexiest people first.

Three HOT CHICKS push their way to the front. They


look more ready for a pep-rally than for a nightclub.

HOT CHICK #1
Hey, Ronnie!

RONNIE
Hey, ladies.

HOT CHICK #1
Is Richie here tonight?

RONNIE
Yeah, he’s here.

HOT CHICK #1
Can you tell him that Monica,
Lauren and Amber are out front?

RONNIE
He’s busy right now.

INT. CLUB – MOP CLOSET – SAME

Richard is going to town on a BUSTY SHOT GIRL in the


mop closet. Their passion burns with lust like two
tiki torches atop an active volcano.

He is breathing hard, using gentlemanly brute-force on


his female conquest while also text messaging a friend
from his cell phone.

He grows frustrated. He outstretches his arm, holding


his cell phone above his head. No luck.

RICHARD
11

Damn. No reception.

EXT. CLUB – NIGHT

Ronnie educates the trio of hotties.

HOT CHICK #2
How do you know he’s busy?

RONNIE
I know Richie.

HOT CHICK #3
Well, can you just let us in
then?

RONNIE
He’ll be out in a few minutes.

As if on cue, Richard pops out the club door.

RICHARD
Ronnie, no more. We’re at capacity.

HOT CHICK #1
Hey, Richie, can you let us in?

He pauses and gives them a good once-over.

HOT CHICK #2
We’ll discreetly rub your naughty
bits on the dance floor.

He gives an “Alright, let those hos in” wave to Ronnie.

As the ladies shuffle in, Lester muscles his way to


the front of the line and gets Richard’s attention.

LESTER
Yo, my man. Can I talk to you?

RICHARD
What’s good?

LESTER
This is good.
12

He awkwardly places a $20 bill in Richard’s hand.

Richard looks at the money, puts it in his pocket, and


as he walks away...

RICHARD
Thanks, my man.

Lester boils with anger and slinks back in line with


Lateesha.

LATEESHA
We all set?

Lester, clearly upset, shakes his head.

LATEESHA (CONT’D)
Well, I ain’t missing Jenga’s
set. Follow me.

She bolts out of line, beelines it for Ronnie.

LATEESHA (CONT’D)
Hi, honey. Listen, it’s my birthday
and me and my brother were hoping
you’d let us in.

RONNIE
Why do my hands feel empty?
Oh, because they are.

Lateesha gives a pouty look to Lester.

He gets it.

He digs into his wallet and dukes Ronnie a few bills.

As they head into the club, DARLENE, Richard and


Ronnie’s older sister, approaches the front line.

DARLENE
Hi, Ronnie.

RONNIE
Hi, Darlene.
13

DARLENE
Listen, I need you to remind our
promiscuous brother about the
commitment he made in regard to
my upcoming sperm drive.

RONNIE
No problem. I could come too.

He laughs at his own juvenile humor.

Darlene, cool and steely, stands ramrod straight.

DARLENE
Sorry, there are strict candidate
qualifications and, unfortunately,
someone who masturbates more than
they eat is not a priority.

RONNIE
Oh, well, maybe next year.

DARLENE
I doubt it.

She hands him a brown paper bag that she has been
hiding behind her back. Ronnie gets giddy.

RONNIE
If this is your minestrone soup,
I might just hump the nearest
parking meter.

DARLENE
I could give you a fried shit
sandwich and you’d still think
of violating a public fixture.

Ronnie thinks about it and then digs into the soup.

DARLENE (CONT’D)
Enjoy. And don’t forget to remind
Don Juan DeDildo about my event.

RONNIE
14

I will. No problem.

INT. CLUB – DANCE FLOOR - LATER

Lateesha stands near the strobe lights, sipping two


Raspberry Stoli drinks like they’re lemonade.

She shakes her ass to the thumping MUSIC, but she’s


clearly more into pounding cocktails than she is into
bumping and grinding.

Lester rushes up to her, concerned.

They scurry off to a quieter place - away from the


pulsating dance floor.

LESTER
(shouting)
This place is weird, man. I need
nightvision goggles and latex gloves
just to move around. Why do dudes
get bar code tattoos on their neck,
then look at me as if I’m goth?

LATEESHA
Lester, do you love me?

LESTER
Yes.

LATEESHA
Then shut up and hold one of
my drinks so I don’t look like
an inebriated skank.

He gives a conspiratorial nod, then takes her drink.

LATEESHA (CONT’D)
I think he’s coming back.

LESTER
Who?

LATEESHA
The man I’m gonna fall madly
in bed with.
15

Lester searches the crowd for this so-called stud.

LESTER
Really? I’ve only seen three normal
dudes in the whole damn place. They
let in more homeless people than
regular guys just trying to get laid.

LATEESHA
Shoo! He’s walking towards us.
(quietly, to Lester)
Go mingle or something.

Lester gets the hint and darts off into the darkness.

Lateesha strikes a pose.

Richard struts over to Lateesha in his trademark


I-own-this-freakin’-city way.

RICHARD
Sorry about that, sexy. I had
to toss out some loser wearing
a mock-turtleneck.

LATEESHA
It’s all good.

RICHARD
Where were we? Oh, right, my
brother. I am the closest thing
he has to an actual friend and
he continues to wallow in the
intimate details of my ex-girlfriends.

LATEESHA
How many exes do you have?

RICHARD
(lying)
Not many.

Richard notices something in the distance, stares


off towards the bar, sees a slight scuffle between
a HEAVY-SET BOUNCER and a WELL-DRESSED GUY.

He watches as both men simmer down, no real sign of


16

disorder. He returns his focus to Lateesha.

LATEESHA
You have nice hands. I own a
nail salon. I recognize the
results of a good paraffin wrap.

RICHARD
Flattery travels fast, Lateesha.

LATESSHA
I wanna go fast, Richard.

Richard smiles, liking her bluntness and, perhaps,


her drunkenness even more.

He begins to erotically rub her lower back.

She licks her lips catlike. She’s ready to make her


move. She whips around and by cradling the back of his
head, she pushes in for a feisty make-out session.

Richard breaks, coming up for air.

RICHARD
I can’t do this. I have a deeply
religious, moralistic streak.

LATEESHA
Don’t bullshit a bullshitter.

They return to their wet and wild kissing.

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – LATER THAT NIGHT

Richard and Lateesha cook in the kitchen, so to speak.

They have such sweaty and loud sex that their animated
MOANING drowns out the humming refrigerator.

Lateesha sprawls out on the countertop while Richard,


shirtless and exposed, with his pants and boxers
around his ankles, stands in front of her.

Lateesha reaches that strangely poetic, climatic


point. Her glistening legs entangled around his
waist, squeezing tightly, tightly, tighter--
17

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NEXT MORNING

Richard sits upright in bed, talking nonstop on his


cell phone to Ronnie.

RICHARD
(on phone)
Are you confirming the details
for The White Party tonight?

INT. DINER – MORNING

Ronnie sits by himself in a booth, wolfing down a


skyscraper-high stack of pancakes.

RONNIE
(on phone; in between bites)
Of course I am. What do you
think I’m doing?

He pours a few drops of maple syrup in a take-out cup,


secures the top, and sneaks it in his pocket.

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM

RICHARD
I think you’re saving remnants
of maple syrup to use as a
lubricant later tonight.

INT. DINER - MORNING

Ronnie is busted. He looks around, paranoid.

RONNIE
Did you hook up last night?
(takes a sip of juice)
You were your usual blend
of drunk and a dickhead.

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM

RICHARD
Yup. Chalk up another meaningless
one-night-stand.
18

He rubs his eyes, a bit agitated.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
It was different this time though.
I had some reservations.

RONNIE
Because you realize these random
hook-ups have prevented you from
building character and common
sense?

RICHARD
No, I mean, I actually had
reservations. Dinner reservations.
With a much hotter chick.

RONNIE
You are my idol.

Richard laughs and the CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL...

LATEESHA

lying in bed, under the covers, with her back to


Richard. She’s wide awake.

Richard, who doesn’t notice or doesn’t care that


Lateesha is alert, continues his bragging until...

INT. LESTER’S LOFT – DAY

Lester is in shamanic witchcraft mode: he boils some


liquid concoction in a small earthen pot while
mumbling monotonous chants.

LESTER
Sree Gurudev Datta…
(very serious)
Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang,
walla walla bing bang…
(still serious)
Boogedy, boogedy boo.
19

The doorbell RINGS, interrupting his “traditional”


chanting.

Lester jumps into action – he goes over to...

A BIRTHDAY CAKE

aglow with lighted candles and crayon-colored


frosting. He affixes a paper, cone-shaped “Happy
Birthday” hat atop his head, pulling the elastic
down under his chin.

He scoops up a piece of cake on a plate.

The doorbell RINGS again. Then RINGS again.

Lester swings open the door to reveal...

LATEESHA

in the doorframe, pissed-off and tear-stained.

She is wearing the same wrinkled dress from the night


before and her stockings, shoes and hair have all seen
better days.

LESTER
(starting to sing)
“HAPPY BIR—“

LATESSHA
(interrupting)
--Fuck that shit.

She barrels into the apartment.

LESTER
Calm down, Lateesha.
(closing the door)
Twenty-eight is the new twenty-five.

Lateesha grabs hold of one of her broken-heeled shoes,


removing it. She walks off-balance to the couch.

LATEESHA
I’m not upset about my age,
Lester. In fact, I’m wildly
20

grateful that I’m of legal


age to bear arms!

She plunks herself on the cushions.

LESTER
What happened last night?

Lateesha begins to sob uncontrollably.

EXT. OUTDOOR PRODUCE MARKET – CHINATOWN - DAY

Lester stops at every street vendor and buys a variety


of fruits, vegetables and herbs.

No ginger root is too big or too oddly-shaped for our


ghetto genie.

INT. LESTER’S LOFT – DAY

Lester talks with a DELIVERY MAN at his front door.

Brown and orange bird feathers are strung loosely


around his neck, along with a leather-bound canteen.

DELIVERY MAN
Lester, man, thanks for the
“Domestic Love” Kama Sutra
book. My wife loved the chapter
on anal sex and housework.

Lester signs the clipboard and hands it back to him.

LESTER
Intimacy is not just for the
bedroom, Martin. Foreplay
can begin with a dish towel.

Delivery Man slaps him on the back, then leaves.

Lester walks over to his small kitchen where he has a


big gumbo stirring.

He consults a beat-up cookbook and then grabs an array


of exotic spices off the table and throws everything
but the kitchen sink into his curious brew.
21

He grabs a strangely-shaped wooden oar and stirs his


creation.

EXT. CHIC RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Richard stands at the front door of a chic restaurant


and reviews the guest list for an upscale private
party happening inside.

Two EXOTIC WOMEN plea with him to get in.

RICHARD
Now, ladies, if I let you in,
what kind of message will that
send to the guests waiting
patiently in line?

EXOTIC WOMAN #1
Yeah, but we know people.

RICHARD
Who do you know?

EXOTIC WOMAN #2
(searching)
We know...you.

Richard gives them a good once-over.

RICHARD
Alright. Maybe we will actually
know each other later on.

The ladies kiss him on the cheek and hustle in.

As Richard wipes the hot pink lipstick from his face,


TWO NERDS walk over and try to mimic the antics.

NERD #1
Hey, we know people.

RICHARD
(point blank)
No, you don’t.

NERD #2
Yeah, you’re right.
22

They walk away, literally bumping into Lester, who is


dressed down, but still sporting his voodoo attire.

LESTER
Boo.

The nerds SCREAM and then trot away like school girls.

Lester lurks behind a cuddling COUPLE and spies on


both Richard and the front door, unnoticed.

A brutish BOUNCER walks out and yells over to Richard:

BOUNCER
Richie, they need you in
the kitchen.

Richard heads inside.

Lester, sensing an opportunity, makes his move for the


front door.

The coast is clear until the bouncer sticks out his


hulking forearm, which looks like a bat you would use
to club a baby seal.

BOUNCER
Can I help you?

LESTER
I’m with Richie.

BOUNCER
(doubting)
You’re with Richie?

LESTER
Yeah, I’m his, uh, uh, kitchen
coordinator.

The big bouncer stares at him, skeptical.

LESTER (CONT’D)
Come on, my man. I don’t want
23

to be responsible for burnt


crab cakes.

He pulls his muscled forearm away.

BOUNCER
(excited)
We got crab cakes tonight?
Hurry up, homey!

Lester rushes inside and he immediately does his best


to fit in with the well-dressed PARTY PEOPLE.

He gallantly grabs a glass of champagne off a passing


server’s tray. Sips. Then, scans the room for Richard.

A group of old white BUSINESS MEN walk over, laughing


hysterically. Lester musters up a loud guffaw in an
effort to meld with the A-listers.

LESTER
(cracking up)
It’s so funny. The same thing
happened to my yacht last week.

They abruptly stop their laughing and give him a


strange look.

Lester hoists his glass and hustles away.

INT. CHIC RESTAURANT – BAR SECTION – LATER

Richard stands close to a bosomy, big-haired STARLET


in a crowded section by the bar.

They both sip on neon martinis.

RICHARD
Personally, I think the group
thing is unnatural. I mean,
if it was right, God would
have given us two dicks.

STARLET
Two dicks? That might not
be a terrible thing.
24

RICHARD
Would you like another drink?

STARLET
Yes.

RICHARD
(dead serious)
Great. Could you get me one
while you’re at it?

The girl pauses with indecision.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
I’m just fucking with ya.
I’ll be right back.

As Richard muscles his way over to the bar, Lester


sneaks over and hides behind him.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
(to the bartender)
Two more martinis, dude.

Richard looks over and winks at his one-night-stand in


the making. She returns the favor.

The bartender carefully places two martinis on the bar


and as Richard digs into his pocket for a tip...

Lester pulls out a small test-tube from his shirt


pocket and quickly dumps the powdered contents into
Richard’s cocktail.

The anti-love potion immediately dissolves.

Richard throws down two dollar bills, then takes a


generous sip of “the right” martini.

Lester’s smile widens – the kind of sly smile that


makes you check your pants for your wallet.

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NEXT MORNING

Richard wakes up and notices that the starlet from


last night is lying in bed with him.
25

He shakes his hung-over head.

The girl stirs, waking up.

STARLET
(groggy)
Heeeey, stud.

RICHARD
Hey.

STARLET
You were amazing last night.
How about some morning sex?

He thinks about it – longer than you should have to.

RICHARD
Yeah, alright. Then you gotta
get the hell outta here. I
have to watch SportsCenter.

He pulls the sheets back and gets out of bed.

STARLET
Where you going?

RICHARD
I have to drain Action Jackson.

STARLET
I’ll be here - glowing with that
morning-after seductive shimmer.

He rolls his eyes and walks out of the room.

WE STAY on the girl as she works to sexy herself up


for his return.

But before she can prop up her breasts or fluff up her


hairdo, we hear OFF-SCREEN:

RICHARD (O.S.)
WHAT THE FUCK?! NOOOOOO!!!
26

He comes rushing back into the bedroom like a man who


just turned into a werewolf. The girl reacts.

STARLET
What is it? Is it a mouse?

RICHARD
(thinking fast)
Yes! Yeah, it’s a big mouse.
You gotta get outta here.

He sloppily collects her belongings that are strewn


around the room.

STARLET
No morning sex?

RICHARD
Uh, no, why relive the past?
Besides, I’m a realist. Last
night can’t be improved upon.

He holds her clothes, physically guiding her out of


the bedroom and over to the front door.

STARLET
Maybe it’s a friendly baby mouse--

He opens the door, pushes her out, and throws her


clothes squarely in her face.

RICHARD
It’s for your own safety!

After the door SLAMS:

STARLET (O.S)
(weakly)
Call me.

Richard leans up against the door and fights to catch


his breath.

He pulls on the waistband of his boxer shorts, lifting


it away from his flesh, and peers down at his manhood,
which is now a vacant spot akin to a Ken Doll.
27

RICHARD
My dick is gone.

He scurries back to his bedroom, frantically looking


around. He spots his cell phone. Bingo.

He begins to dial, while muttering under his breath.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
I’m sure this happens all the
time. Yeah, some dudes just
overuse their bat and balls
and they fall off. Anatomy
can be funny sometimes.

INT. UNIVERSITY – DARLENE’S OFFICE – MORNING

Darlene, in an expensive suit, is in the doorframe,


talking with a BESPECTACLED FELLOW in a long, white
lab coat. We can’t make out what they are saying.

On her nice mahogany desk lies her cell phone, which


has obviously been turned to “silent” mode.

It lights up with every silent ring.

We notice that it reads “RICHIE” on the caller ID.

INT. RICHARD’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – SAME

Richard hangs up his cell phone, frustrated.

He lunges towards a dresser and furiously pulls open a


drawer and takes out a pair of jeans.

He slides the jeans on and then grabs his billfold off


the dresser and shoves it into his back pocket.

He books it out of the room.

Three seconds go by and a shirtless Richard is back


and now searching for an appropriate top.

CLOSE ON A BLACK SHIRT

which is balled-up on the ruffled bed.


28

He snatches it up and pokes his head through the


collar – storming out of the room, half-clad.

EXT. STREET - OUTSIDE RICHARD’S APARTMENT – LATER

Richard whips open the apartment building front door


and sprints across the parking lot.

Unfortunately for our hero, he is not only dickless,


but he’s also shoeless and wearing a too-tight, sexy,
v-neck shirt, courtesy of last night’s starlet.

He jogs up to his car...

RICHARD (CONT’D)
You gotta be shitting me!

CLOSE ON CAR

a very expensive car with a very yellow tire boot.

The parking immobilizer hugs the front tire like it is


teeth on a pit bull.

Richard scans up and down the street. He sees...

A PUBLIC BUS

crawling up the street to make its routine stop.

He walks hurriedly up the road, digging into his


pocket along the way.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Of course no change. Why would
I have exact bus fare? Dammit!

He pleads with an OLD LADY who is pushing a grocery


store cart filled with leafy vegetables.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Hey, granny, can you break this?

The white-haired fossil looks at his outstretched hand


and sees that Richard is offering his cell phone and a
crisp $50 bill.
29

OLD LADY
No problem, sonny.

RICHARD
Thank you.

Richard watches the moving bus as it pulls away and


doesn’t notice that the old lady takes his cell phone
and throws it to the ground.

She quickly steamrolls her grocery cart over it.

CRACK!

The flip-phone snaps like a Slim Jim - catching


Richard’s attention.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
What are you doing? NOOOO!

OLD LADY
(walking away)
Fucking technology.

He bends down to pick up the shards of Motorola.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Awesome.

He straightens up and peers down the street...

The bus is gone. He whips his head this way and that.
The streets are barren. Nothing.

He hangs his head, defeated.

As he mopes back to his place, tugging on his feminine


shirt which shows his unmistakably male midriff...

A CAB

pulls up quietly beside him.

The MALE CABBIE, all smiles, shouts at Richard through


the open window.

CABBIE
30

Need a lift?

Richard doesn’t even contemplate the question.

Robotically, he goes to the door, opens it and ducks


inside the back seat.

INT. CAB (MOVING) - DAY

Richard sits in the back seat, shell-shocked.

The cabbie props his arm up on the back rest - waiting


for directives from his passenger.

RICHARD
The hospital.

The guy stares at Richard’s fashionable top.

CABBIE
Hey, my daughter has the
same shirt!

Richard looks down at his chest and realizes he is


wearing a women’s blouse.

He shakes his head – another thing to add to the list.

RICHARD
Hey, can we step on it? It’s
kind of an emergency.

CABBIE
What is there a sale at
Victoria’s Secret?

Richard doesn’t laugh.

CABBIE (CONT’D)
I’m fucking with ya. Let’s go.

He puts the car into drive and speeds away.

FADE OUT.

THE END

Related Interests